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Leo lay in his bed scanning the pages of another medical textbook out of the dozens that lay on his bed. He has been having stomach pains for years now and he wanted to know why . He had come to terms that it would probably be like this forever but that was before it got worse.
3 years ago Leo was complaining that his stomach hurt. His brothers rolled their eyes as he dramatically fell on top of them to complain. But then it continued for a week and then another, soon it had been a month. At first they all brushed it off to Leo’s incredibly low daily intake of water, but the pain in his eyes as 12 year old him stared at his food convinced them that it was more serious than that.
At that point Leo couldn’t really describe what he was feeling, not that he had much better luck now. “It hurts ” he would say as Splinter made him some ginger tea, sure that this would calm little Blue’s stomach. “I’m going to throw up” he had said after eating half of what his youngest brother would eat. He would sit in the washroom for thirty minutes before deciding that whatever he felt bubbling up his throat wasn’t going to come out. Now Leo was much more accustomed to the feeling and knew that going to the bathroom wouldn’t do anything. Whatever he felt lodged in his throat, making him dry heave over the toilet, was not going away and there was nothing he could do but deal with it.
Except for sometimes when something did come out. Back in the first year and a half, Leo would throw up chunks from the milk or yogurt he had before into the sink as he was brushing his teeth. It was smaller than the palm of his hand and easily washed down the drain so Leo paid it no mind, brushing it off as a gag reflex from brushing his teeth and his stomach not being able to digest things early in the morning and just stopped drinking milk in the morning. Though now he really wished he thought to connect it to his pain while eating, maybe things could have been solved at the beginning.
Meals were the main problem. Every dinner without fail Leo would eat much less than he had planned to before his stomach would randomly act up, he would feel extremely full even though he had plenty of room for more not even a minute ago. Something would build at the back of his throat and the dry heaving would start again. But the stomach pains never feel to be actually gone, just more subdued. Maybe what he actually is feeling is that he is feeling bloated all of the time and the extra food is just popping the bubble. That sounds about right but Leo isn’t sure about it, or anyway he describes it honestly. The hardest part of trying to find out what was wrong with him is that he can’t even properly put it into words. Curse you autism.
Donnie suggested making a log of what he had eaten in each meal and what reaction he had to it. Splinter mentioned that some of his family had gluten allergies, so finding out if certain foods were the problem was important. Too bad everyone in this family has ADHD, the log never keeps going for longer than a couple days since they would all forget about it. But from what Leo can remember, there doesn’t seem to be any pattern. At first he thought it was dairy but he had cheese and ice cream easily. It could be gluten but when he was having rice it happened too. None of it made sense.
But Leo didn’t bother figuring it out before. It sucked but eventually he got used to it. He ate less than his brothers and they never pushed him when he had half a slice of pizza left over. He took more time with his meals, still eating half an hour after everyone else finished. He realized snacks like fruits, thin chips and nuts never hurt so he would have a bunch while watching Jupiter Jim. Sometimes it hurt more than usual but it was manageable. Until it wasn’t.
Out of nowhere eating became so much more difficult. Instead of the uncomfortable bloatedness, it was twice as painful and he was lightheaded too. Leo ended up curled up in his bed with the lights off. He hated crying but tears still soaked the pillow he was clutching like a lifeline because it fucking hurt and everything was too much, too bright, too loud, too much pain god fuck make it stop it hurts please stop.
He didn’t tell his brothers because it was dumb anyways, he should be used to this by now. So when Mikey came in to get him to go roof jumping with them, he lashed out. He yelled at Mikey and his little brother saw him sobbing when he should be fine. His body should be able to eat a normal amount of food without fake throwing up, why couldn’t he just be normal?
Maybe everything worsening didn’t come out of nowhere. Leo ignored his stomach when it grumbles because he didn’t want to disturb anyone, plus its better if he actually has room for the food at dinner. With all of the chaos with Shredder he hasn’t been able to snack as much leaving his stomach empty of its one comfort. His small dinners mean he is so hungry in the morning he quickly makes himself breakfast before his stomach eats itself and the dots at the edges of his vision take over. At times like that Leo can’t differentiate between his pain from the lack of food to the one from too much. He has to force himself to take small bites because his stomach hurts so he can’t.
Leo hates the pains. He hates that he takes an hour to eat a bowl of cereal. He hates that his favourite foods make him feel sick. He hates it that he started to try so many new foods after being a picky eater as a child but can’t. He hates that everyone else can eat dessert even after they’re full because ‘it’s something your stomach always makes room for’ but his doesn’t. He hates that he always wastes so much food that Mikey and Splinter put their time and effort into making. He hates that he hates food now because of how it reminds him of the pain. He hates how skinny he his compared to all of his siblings. He hates that he barely weighs anything that even Mikey can carry him.
He hates it and even now as he scours over articles and textbooks, he finds himself brushing off anything that resonates too well. He wants to be fine. He wants to know what is wrong. He may find out what it is and some ways to make everything hurt less but a loud voice in his head tells him otherwise. He’s fine. He’s being dramatic. He has this under control. He doesn’t want any proof that his body is broken.
But he also doesn’t want everything to be fake, that it’s all in his head. He wants to find out that he is irreparably broken and that nothing can fix him. That he has a terminal illness that is slowly killing him. That there is a surgery that will fix him. Or that he might just pass out one day and not wake up, at least everything before it was real. That might be the depression talking though, Leo should probably just ignore it.
None of this made sense. None of him made sense. If Leo was going to be in pain for the rest of his life, then he should at least be allowed to understand it. Leo sighed, putting all the books away in a stack against the wall. He would have to deal with this forever, never knowing why it happened or what is sparking the sudden changes. Maybe someday he will find some sense in it, until then he will just have to survive.