Chapter Text
With every step the boy took in the alley where the police sirens were echoing, he could feel his heart beating frantically against his chest, and he was running non-stop with the adrenaline rushing through his body.
The air was smoggy, it was raining and he was feeling sick with every step further in the alley because of the rotten smell of garbages. It was raining so heavily that he couldn’t hear not only the steps he’s taking but also the noise of guns firing.
He didn’t seem to care about the gooey garbage pieces sticking onto his shoes which the stray dogs had ripped apart. It was filthy, disgusting and he didn’t seem to care.
The ripped sleeves of the loose fit sweater the boy had on was hiding the packs he was holding in his hands. He didn’t know is there was someone after him but he continued to run anyway.
He looked at the graffiti when he took the second left turn and quickly stepped towards the garbage bags, opened the blue one, which he was informed about before coming here. After scanning the area he quickly put the packs he was carrying in his sleeves into the garbage bag and shut it tightly, and continued to run in the alley where the street lights were never lit, even though his legs was burning severely from all the running he did.
He loved being invisible. He thought of the street lights while running, thinking that how the street lights never cared about who was in the alley or what they were doing. They were only guiding and hiding people.
And this was the most important thing for the people like him, who never belonged and couldn’t belong anywhere in this world.
To be invisible.
If he was invisible, that meant no one could hurt him. That he wouldn’t have to cry. From the moment he came into this world he suffered, and the only reason he suffered was because he existed in this world as someone. To him, existing was like an ache, a scar that never heals, a scab which you can never get rid of, a big fucking stain.
And he wanted to stop existing for people, for the ones he never knew or even knew. He just wanted to be invisible because if no one sees him, no one knows him, no one believes him,
He wouldn’t exist anyway.
He hated being alive but he didn’t want to die either.
He hated love but he wanted and needed to be loved.
He hated people but he was yearning for a single touch.
And he hated this yearning. Because he knew that a single touch would make him feel lucky and no, he didn’t believe in luck. He didn’t believe in anything. He never knew what he wanted, his emotions never made sense to him, he didn’t even know how to live.
He only knew how to survive.
In the dark of the night, as he walked the path that he had memorized from the number of steps he took, and he kicked down the rusty ladder, looking around again to make sure no one was following him.
Police sirens were no longer audible, and the sounds of the gunfire had stopped. The rain started to pour down even more, and every time it touched his body, it was hitting hard as if someone were throwing needles at him.
He descended the stairs, walked for several minutes through the deserted subway tunnel that was soaking wet from the rain. After a few minutes, he reached the three people waiting for him at the other exit of the tunnel, and they started to follow their usual path to go home.
“You left it in the right place, didn't you?” Asked the man walking next to him. He had no idea who the man was, and he couldn't see his face, so he thought maybe the man was a new face.
When he didn't speak, the man talked again. “It was supposed to be under the huge dick graffiti on second street.”
“I can't believe you're mocking my art,” said the other one.
“I put it in the right place, I'm not an idiot. I have eyes. I know what a dick looks like." The boy put his hands in his pockets, tucked his hair which was swinging in front of him and kept walking with keeping his head down, he couldn't see clearly because of the rain.
When they reached the bottom of the ruined bridge, he looked around. It was a large area, stolen, scrapped cars, caravans, scraped huts, lots of homeless people. That was their hangout area.
He looked at the people accompanying him as they took off their masks and hoodies, he did not recognize the other two except for Zero in the middle—that was what everyone called him.
“You have eyes, but,” said Zero. “How would you know what a dick looks like? Not like you have it." He pointed with his eyes between the boy’s legs and laughed.
Only a few people knew that. The day Zero found out the boy was transgender was when he got his ass beaten to death and they had to put him under the cold water to bring him back to life. His friends didn't think of throwing Zero out of the room with panic at that moment, and when they took his underwear off, Zero was shocked and decided that the boy was a disgusting person. Which his friends told him about.
He was obviously uncomfortable by Zero’s words so he chuckled at what Zero said, punching him hard in the face, and before he could recover, he grabbed his dick and squeezed it harshly, watching Zero squeak like a dying mouse as he neared his face.
“You have a dick for what? It isn’t even useful, is it? All you can do is embarrass yourself.”
“Fuck, let me go, take off your hand!” When the boy realized Zero was going to headbutt him, he backed up and continued to laugh.
"I'm not touching you just because I promised Black Dog." Zero threatened him. "If you touch me again, no one can take you away from me."
"I won't touch you unless you talk too much." Ignoring what Zero said, the boy showed him the middle finger and watched him turn away and go, then turned to the unknown couple who were watching them in shock.
They were about the same height as him, their faces were unfamiliar. He knew everyone here.
“Hi,” He said blankly. “You can call me Lix. Are you new here?”
"We came a few weeks ago." The man on the right said. his face was cuter than the other. “We haven't been around much."
"Hmm." Felix nodded. “Who let you in?”
“Black Dog.”
Nodding his head, he studied them, there was definitely a reason for Black Dog taking them in, so he didn't ask any more questions. He didn't ask for their names either, he would find out if necessary.
"Okay. Maybe we'll meet again sometime, bye for now."
Bouncing back and turning on his heels, Felix started walking back to his house to take a shower.
This place was full of disgusting people, no one could ever easily trust anyone. In every step Felix had taken there, he met with people whose life stories are more terrible than anyone else’s.
Some had gone into debt and escaped from prison because of the bankruptcy of a big company, some were here to get rid of their abusive and drug addict husbands, some were addicts, some escaped from the orphanage, some left their families because of the heavy abuse and death threats they had or they were simply thrown out of the house.
This was the neat part.
After a while, Felix had realized that the people who lived there were worse. Way worse. Felix was living together, at least sharing a big space of his life there with a bunch of different and scary people. Starting from a murderer to the one who spent years in prison because of arson, to the pimps, rapists, smugglers.
Even though Felix was scared shitless at first, he got used to it after a while. Because he had no other choice. To keep his head under a warm roof, he had to turn a blind eye to them. Because no one else gave him a chance.
Still, they were all types that he wouldn’t even look at their direction, he would simply turn his away from them. That group of people didn't talk much with them either, other than those who could be considered high-ranking people here. They were grouped up among themselves and sometimes would taunt Felix and his social circle to intimidate them.
His record wasn't very clean either, but definitely not as bad as theirs. He would shine brighter near them.
As he pushed the wire door and entered the garden, he looked through the windows of the house. Felix was living with Black Dog, one of the heads of this place, and he hadn't left his side since he rescued Felix.
He kept telling Felix that he looked like his little brother, so he was very protective of Felix. He didn't know much about Black Dog’s brother, but he guessed that he was dead, the pained expression on Black Dog’s face every time he spoke of his brother was making it obvious.
There were a few other people living with Felix other than Black Dog, although Felix got along with almost all of them, there was a one person he definitely hated his guts.
The worst part was, Felix was sharing a room with him.
When he opened the door with his foot and walked in, he saw that the floorboards were shining, obviously Minho did some cleaning. He looked at his dirty outfits and hummed in thought.
He knew that if he entered the house in this state Minho would hang him by his ears, so he took off his boots and left them in front of the door and started to take off his clothes directly at the entrance, then he ran up the stairs, hugging his clothes tightly. Sounds were coming from the bathroom.
“Lix, is that you?” As Minho's voice caught his ears, Felix poked his head through the bathroom door, "Yep," he said. "What are you doing here?"
He was sitting cross-legged on the toilet seat, looking at him with the weed in his hand. “We were smoking.”
Which was obvious from the environment, it was really smoky as if something was burning.
Felix turned his eyes to the others; Yeonjun was sleepily sitting on the washing machine, while Changbin was sitting on the floor right at his feet.
On the other side, Hyunjin was settled down in front of the bathtub and leaning his back to it, glaring at Felix while his two black braids were dangling on the sides.
“You look fucked up,” Changbin said.
Felix nodded his head slowly, "I almost got caught and fell a few times. I’m glad I didn’t fall into shit."
Yeonjun and Changbin laughed out loud at what he said, so Felix rolled his eyes and threw his dirty clothes into the basket and got rid of his underwear as well.
To sum up Felix’s relationship with them, except for Hyunjin, they were his family. All five of them were rescued and personally protected by the Black Dog, they had been living together for years.
Even though there was always an invisible distance between them, they always ran to each other's help. Only they knew the side of Felix that he has been hiding from everyone, except Zero.
And the Black Dog knew, since he helped Felix with his surgeries and hormones.
“Are you sure you didn’t fall into shit?” Said Minho with a judgmental look. “You smell disgusting.”
After turning to him and sticking out the middle finger, Felix sat on the edge of the tub and turned on the water, just staring at Hyunjin, who kept watching Felix without taking his eyes off while Felix waited for water to warm up.
Neither of them said anything, Hyunjin looked Felix up and down knowing that Felix was also looking at him as he put the joint between his plump lips.
Felix didn't know what to think about him. What to think about the things that happened between them. They didn't really like each other. At least Felix knew Hyunjin hated him, he could say he was sure of that.
When the tub finally got filled with warm water, Felix slipped in and immersed his head fully in the water and came back out. Then leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling. After all those hours spent in the rain, the hot water felt so good, he took a sigh of relief and repeated this a few times.
"What happened to your hand?" With Yeonjun's question, Felix looked down at his hand, which he had put to the side of the tub, his knuckles had turned red after he punched Zero.
He shook his head as if telling them it’s not important and looked at them, Minho and Changbin raising one eyebrow, looking at him to hear his explanation.
“I punched Zero,” Felix said simply.
Minho rolled his eyes, sprawling on the spot and smoking. Like Felix, he hated Zero, it was nearly impossible to find anyone who didn't hate him. "Why though?"
“He made those stupid phobic jokes again. About me not having a dick. You know.” Felix turned his eyes down and looked at between his legs as he played with the water.
He didn't hate his body as much as before, this was a sight he could stand. He didn't care what people said about him and his body but he had to hide it in the area he lived in. This was not a place where he could be free as he wished.
So every time Zero made fun of him, the possibility of Zero exposing him was scaring him, making him nauseous. He just felt like he was back in the old days when he was disgusted with himself.
When Felix felt eyes on him again, he lifted his head and made eye contact with Hyunjin, who was sitting with his arm leaning against the marble of the tub, facing him a little more now. When their eyes met, Hyunjin turned his head without saying anything, so Felix didn't say anything and looked at the others.
“Did that make you feel bad?” Yeonjun asked.
Felix shrugged. "Sort of. It just reminded me that one day he was going to expose me, so I was annoyed.”
Changbin got off the machine and sat in the middle of the bathroom cross-legged and looked at Felix with a serious expression. “He can’t do that. He doesn't have that much courage. He is just a stupid coward."
Minho nodded at him. "Yeah, he can't."
But Felix was almost sure. “He will, you will see.”
“Tell us if that little shit bothers you again.” Yeonjun snapped his fingers and laughed sarcastically. “My hands have been itchy for a while already.”
“I will.”
"Hey, don't make that face." Minho came stumbling over to Felix and wet his blonde hair again with the shower cap, then poured half of the shampoo on Felix’s head as if he was bathing a big horse and started rubbing his hair vigorously. “Let him make his stupid little jokes. He’s a loser. What exactly did he say?"
Felix closed his eyes and struggled for a while so that the shampoo wouldn't get in his eyes. “I don't know. I mean… He said things about… How would I know what a dick looks like because I don't have a dick... I mean, it's such a ridiculous way of making fun. It was so stupid that I couldn’t even find an answer, so I punched him. On the face. And I almost ripped his dick off.”
"You did well." Yeonjun chuckled. "What I wouldn't do to see that face of yours."
"Oh, he has a dick and so what? Useless crap." Minho started to rinse Felix’s head off shampoo, Felix felt another hand on his head. “Exactly,” Changbin said. “The guy is a total crap.”
"You want a massage, love?" Minho started squeezing his shoulders while Changbin was rinsing his hair, Felix shouted in pain and smacked Minho’s hands, “It hurts!” He squeaked. “You fuck!”
Hyunjin was watching it all silently, studying Felix’s face and checking out his body with quick glances.
Minho pulled back with a demonic laugh, as Felix tossed his rinsed hair back, opened his eyes and glared at the two who were drying their hands. "I'm so hungry, please give me some food.”
“Make your own food.” Yeonjun stood up grumbling and left the bathroom with a tongue peeking at Felix.
He couldn’t help but sulk and look at Minho with expecting eyes. But Minho raised both of his hands. “We’re gonna go to the market with Changbin, if you can wait two hours, I will cook when I come.”
“Why two hours?” Felix was distressed.
“We'll meet with a seller in the meantime,” Changbin said, “We have a deal with someone new. We'll look at his goods."
“I want to get out of this business as soon as possible, get the money and get the hell out of here.” Felix rubbed his forehead. "We won't be able to get away this time if we get caught by the cops."
"We won't get caught." Minho grinned. “Come on, get some rest.”
“Okay.”
When they left, Hyunjin also got up slowly and without saying a word he went to the door. Felix hastily got up too when he saw Hyunjin was going, leaning to the towel next to the bathtub.
Before he could reach it, Hyunjin took the towel and placed it on Felix’s shoulders. “There's leftover pizza in the fridge. “ He said. “If you’re not gonna eat it, I will.”
“I don't like pizza. Eat it." Felix grabbed the towel and stepped out of the tub.
“Stay hungry then.” Hyunjin shrugged and went outside, and soon Felix heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He rolled his eyes in annoyance and walked out of the bathroom to his room.
Having been running around for a few days, he didn’t get the chance to get a good sleep. After he got dressed and dried his hair, he threw the clothes on his bed to the floor, then he took the trash from his side of the table and placed it on Hyunjin's bed and went downstairs with a screech.
He looked at Hyunjin, who was eating pizza on the sofa, as he entered the living room. "I told you not to throw your clothes on my bed and not to make a mess on the table!" He snapped.
"I didn't say I wouldn’t do it though.”
"What is your problem?"
"You're still smoking even though I told you not to smoke in the room." He continued to eat the pizza, no expression on his face.
“I am not the only smoker in this house. You smoke too!”
"I don’t care, they don't come and smoke in my room. I also don’t. I don’t like the scent."
"That's my room too!"
“If you don't smoke in the room, I'll do as you say.” He looked at Felix and cocked an eyebrow. “It's not hard to get your ass out of bed for two minutes and smoke it on the balcony.”
Felix took a deep breath, he was growing more annoyed every second. "Okay fine.” Felix said. He walked over to Hyunjin and took the pizza from his hand and ate it all. “I'm going to sleep.”
“Hey I was eating it!” Felix heard him throwing the plate on the floor and getting up as he left the living room, but Felix went back up the stairs quickly and didn’t give him a chance to ask for trouble.
And, well, the pizza was really tasteless. Swallowing in disgust, Felix went back to the room and lay on his bed, crawling under the covers.
Hyunjin and Felix’s relationship was star-crossed. But what really broke the ties between them was that Felix, supposedly, causing the death of his lover.
Felix had never been able to explain to Hyunjin the truth of what exactly happened because they never spoke of the matter again.
Felix also, never had the courage to look at his face and talk about it after the day Hyunjin looked into his eyes with hatred and said, "I wish you were dead" while Felix was choking on his own blood.
He left Felix alone to die right there.
Felix really didn't care anymore. Whatever he did, he did it to survive and help others to survive. Anyone would have done the same.
As he lingered between sleep and wakefulness, lost in his thoughts, the silence in his room was broken when he heard Changbin shouting from downstairs.
“Shit! Come with me quickly! Hyunjin is beating Zero up!"
Felix is 14 years old. His fourth year in this dump; Changbin, Yeonjun and Minho are with him. Black Dog told them they are going to save someone, so they are in front of a house where horrifying shouts are coming from.
Felix doesn't really know what to do, he’s so scared because loud noises reminds him of things he doesn’t want to remember.
They hold him back, while Black Dog and a few others enter the house while Felix hides behind Changbin and watches what's going on.
There is a little boy yelling at a woman lying motionless on the floor. He tells her to wake up, he cries, he screams as much as he can.
Felix remembers wanting to hug him to calm him down. He wants to say that he shares his pain, that he understands him. Felix continues to hide behind Changbin without doing anything.
Not long after, someone takes the child in their arms and starts walking towards them. The child looks like he's a little bigger than Felix, but still obviously small.
Felix guesses the man covered in blood is the boy’s father, the others drag him by the collar and throw him to the ground. They're shouting something about drugs, talking about killing someone, Felix doesn’t understand what's going on.
Black Dog brings the boy and leaves him with them, Minho immediately hugs him and starts saying things to calm poor thing down.
“You're safe.” He says. “It's all over. You are safe now, love. No one will be able to harm you from now on. Don't look.” He says again and the boy obediently closes his eyes. "Come, let's go. Are you hungry? Let's wash you up. Do you want to eat something?”
The others start to beat up his father at the back, Felix understands why Minho said, don't look, at that moment. Changbin turns Felix around as they start walking.
As Changbin holds Yeonjun in his arms, Minho takes the new boy in his arms, and Felix starts walking in the direction they are going, holding tightly by the hem of Changbin's shirt.
He looks back, again.
When they get home, they're all taking care of the new boy, Yeonjun and Felix sit on the side and watch with curiosity. Sometimes Minho asks for towels, Felix takes them to him.
They give clothes to the boy from Felix’s closet and treat this wounds. The boy says he wants his mother, crying, he says he is afraid. They calm him down.
Felix learns that the boy's name is Hyunjin. At the age of 13, Hyunjin’s whole life has been as unlucky as his age. Like all of them.
When they leave him alone to sleep, Felix stays in the room, Changbin said he will stay with Felix from now on. Felix watches him sleep for a while, then goes to him and sits on the edge of his bed because he realizes that he is not sleeping.
Hyunjin is crying silently, hugging his pillow tightly. Hyunjin feels like he's about to hiccup, but he squeezes his eyes shut as he tries not to make any noise.
“You can cry.” Felix says. “You can cry all you want.”
In response Felix just gets pushed off the bed and gets yelled at. "I don’t need your pity!"
"I didn't… I...." Felix stands up holding the bed and looks confusedly at him. He doesn’t take it personal.
“Stay away from me.” Hyunjin says. “Don't talk to me.”
Felix does as he says and they don't talk for the next five months.
It was already too late when they got to the place where Hyunjin literally fucked Zero up. When Felix heard the conversations coming from downstairs, he literally bolted without changing his clothes.
Hyunjin was standing on the blood-soaked Zero, preventing him from moving, throwing punches one after another, smashing his face. Since it was usual that people beat each other up in that place, no one was trying to separate them, everyone was watching and talking among themselves, forming a circle around the two men.
Felix slid in from the gap where Changbin was pushing people, when he reached Hyunjin's side, Felix approached him with slow steps to not to alert him. He could turn and kick him on the face too with that much anger. Changbin and the others were standing behind, when Hyunjin got lost like this and screwed someone up, only Felix could calm him down.
As Hyunjin continued to punch Zero's blood-soaked face, Felix quickly crouched next to him, putting his hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder and pushing him back with force. "Hyunjin!” Felix said. "Hyunjin, enough. You’re going to kill him.”
Hyunjin watched Zero with wide eyes for a while, his bloody fist up in the air, ready to punch, trembling.
The expression in his eyes made Felix swallow hard, even though he was used to these kind of things, the look Hyunjin had at moments like this scared him, Hyunjin seemed completely insane, it felt like Felix was face to face with a serial killer.
But Felix knew that even though he was annoyed with him, Hwang Hyunjin’s touches was as soft as a cotton and he had the heart of a kitten.
Felix took a deep breath when he saw Hyunjin lower his hand, and Felix pulled his arm a little further but Hyunjin unexpectedly turned to him, pushing him hard on his chest, suddenly slapping the blonde with the back of his hand.
Felix could’ve sworn that he saw the stars when he opened his closed eyes afterwards.
"Don't touch me." Hyunjin hissed, pointing his index finger at Felix, spat on Zero lying on the ground, and gave Felix an angry look again.
He glanced at Felix for a while, then sighed loudly while shrugging his shoulders, and walked past him.
As he walked away, Felix brought his hand to his aching cheek and took deep breaths to calm himself down, while Minho screamed like a madman to the people around, “What are you looking at? Fuck off! The fun is over! Fuck off! Imma beat your asses up if you don’t move I swear!”
Felix lowered his hand on his cheek and looked at the people who were scattering away now, trying to make sense of why this was happening. He was going to sleep peacefully, before this shit blew upon his face.
Literally upon his face.
Jeez.
He walked over to Changbin and stood over them, looking at the unconscious Zero. “Is he alive?” He asked.
I hope he isn't.
"Yes." Changbin started wiping Zero's face with the wet cloth one of the boys had brought. "Face’s ruined, though."
“Iron fists at it again.” Minho grumbled as he stood on top of them like Felix and put his hands on his hips, then looked at Felix with a side glance.
“Did he fucking slap you?”
Felix frowned as if it didn't matter, it wasn't the first time it had happened after all. "Mm, ‘ts okay. He doesn't even realize when he’s this lost. It’s not intentional."
“Tsk…” Rolling his eyes, Minho sighed heavily. “This is not an excuse. You gotta slap him back.” He turned around, calling out to Changbin. “Let's take this piece of crap to the hospital, I don’t want him to die on us.”
Felix took a few steps back with his arms crossed across his chest as Changbin picked Zero up off the ground. Felix then started walking towards the direction Hyunjin went, he knew where the latter was going, their chasing game had only one breathing stop.
When Felix got there, Hyunjin was sitting on the bricks at the far end of the abandoned pharmacy's roof, smoking a cigarette with his feet hanging down.
Felix didn't really know what to feel and think, he was a little confused. His cheek was still aching, probably all red from the heavy slap. The way Hyunjin screwed up Zero made Felix worry more, he was afraid that Zero would expose him in response to this beating, on the other hand…
He was a little angry. Yes, he was angry.
Felix staggered towards Hyunjin, banging his feet on empty bottles on the floor. As Hyunjin heard the sounds Felix made, he looked over his shoulder knowing that Felix was there. And quickly turned back. With his hands in his pockets, Felix stood right behind Hyunjin and just watched his messy hair.
“What was the reason?”
He didn't answer for a while, then threw his cigarette and turned towards Felix. He spread his hands on both sides of his seat, tilting his head to the side, studying the expression Felix has. “What?”
Felix instinctively glanced at his bony hand which Hyunjin had put on the brick, it was covered with dried blood. “Was it up to you, to beat him?”
“Why do you even care?”
When Felix looked at him in the eye, he saw that Hyunjin was looking at him with one eyebrow raised with a mocking expression.
"They're not going to let this go," Felix muttered as he slowly shook his head, looking away.
"Do I look like I care?"
"You beat him for what he said to me, didn't you?" When Felix looked back at him, this time it was Hyunjin who averted his eyes.
“Why would I care?”
“I got my answer. Okay.”
It was always this way. Someone who had harmed Felix in some way, would start limping around or would have a bruised eye or lip, in a day or two, the culprit of course always being Hyunjin.
Felix wasn't stupid, he knew. Hyunjin never said why, and Felix didn't bother asking. It was like an agreement within them, Felix would fall, Hyunjin would fuck whoever caused Felix to fall.
But when it came to fuck Felix up himself, he would gladly do it.
They ignored everything they needed to talk about. If they would just sit and talk, pour all the misunderstandings on the table and play their cards open, Felix knew that this game of chasing would end. However, neither of them seemed to want that. They were circling around the same spot and pushing each other away whenever they came close to the crumbling spot.
“Say.” Hyunjin said after a long silence.
"What?"
"What's on your mind?"
“I’m not thinking about anything particular.” Felix hit the empty coke can on the floor and put his weight onto his other leg.
Hyunjin insisted. "You do."
Taking a deep breath, Felix side-eyed him, Hyunjin’s eyes never leaving his face even for a second. “I was wondering why you always do this. Having my back. In a way.”
“Don’t take it personal. It’s not like I want to protect you or anything. I sometimes just want to beat someone up and you give me the excuse to do it. I take the opportunity.”
Felix didn't know if it was because he wanted Hyunjin to protect him in some way, but he didn't like his answer.
Felix watched him without a reaction. "Okay," He said. "I'm going back."
“Go.”
This annoyed Felix. Since he was still angry, he snapped. Turning around and hitting Hyunjin hard on the chest, he didn’t stop and proceeded to slap his face while Hyunjin looked at him in shock.
When Felix held his hand up again to strike his face, Hyunjin quickly got up, catching Felix’s small hand and squeezing it. "What the fuck are you doing!?"
“Fuck! You are the worst! I am so, so sick of you!” Felix forcefully pulled his hand back and again, slammed it against Hyunjin’s chest, pushing him.
Hyunjin repeated his actions too, pushed him back with an anger coloring his face, but their strength wasn’t equal so Felix found himself stumbling and almost fell to the ground.
Hyunjin yelled at him. “What's wrong with you now!? Didn’t we end the discussion!?”
“No! I am so sick of you and your actions!”
“What did I do this time!”
They were both looking at each other with wide eyes and Felix laughed sarcastically at his question, popping a 'hah' and rubbing his forehead.
“Hyunjin.” He said, clenching his teeth to stay calm. “Make it make sense. You say something, you do otherwise. I fucking can’t stand it.”
Hyunjin raised one eyebrow. "Is this it? I am already making sense. You’re just not capable to see it.”
“What do you mean?” Felix laughed and bit the inside of his cheek, rubbing his neck, trying hard not to hit him again. He walked over to him, grabbed his collar tightly and looked into his dark eyes.
“You can’t help but get close to me, Hyunjin. Are you really unaware or are you pretending to be an idiot? Should I remind you of the days when you pinned me down on street corners and kissed me, huh?"
"Shut your mouth."
“I know how hard it is for you to pull yourself back when you kiss me. You run away, every time. And then you come down on me, taking your frustration out of me. That’s a lame move.”
“This is not what I am doing, you are the one doing this.” He grabbed Felix’s hand which was holding his collar tightly and pushed it hard, backing away. “I’ve never denied that I’m drawn to your body. The difference is, that, Felix…” He pointed his index finger to Felix, then to himself. “You are getting attached. You want to be loved. You need it. And I always tell you that I don't have the love to give you."
While Felix thought he was going to be the one to confront him, now he didn’t know what to say and just stood there as if he felt where this conversation was going. He wanted to run away.
He didn’t.
“You know very well that you mean nothing to me. So don’t come at me and talk nonsense. Don’t screw things up even more.”
When Hyunjin shrugged and walked past Felix, he turned quickly and looked over his shoulder to call out to him but he couldn’t, he only watched Hyunjin slam the rotten door of the roof and get out of his sight.
Felix sat on that roof for hours in confusion, not knowing what to think and what to do. Hyunjin’s words were harsh, and when he thought he couldn’t care less, in the corners of his mind he knew that it hurt like hell.
When he got back home, everything was going on as usual. He was the only one hurting. While helping Minho and Changbin to calculate their monthly budget, he never took his eyes off of the money and while preparing for dinner, he just sat in a corner, watching the stove.
While they were eating, he only focused on his plate which he couldn’t even empty, it was almost impossible for him to swallow the food. And Hyunjin’s words.
He didn’t even lift his eyes once to look at Hyunjin. Which didn’t go unnoticed by the latter.
When they were done with all the work and Felix was about to go to bed, Black Dog gathered them all in his office room. He was really angry, it was showing on his face.
He leaned his hips on his desk which was in the middle of the room, watching them with his arms folded across his muscled chest. They were in front of him like soldiers lining up, waiting nervously to get scolded.
“Tell me what happened.” He said, looking directly at Hyunjin.
“I beat Zero.”
"Why?"
“I wanted to take my anger out on someone.”
Black Dog took a deep breath and rubbed his chin, then looked at Felix. "Do you have anything to do with it?"
“I have nothing to do with Hyunjin and anything related to him.”
"Did you two fight again?" Black Dog squinted his eyes.
“No.” Felix and Hyunjin said at the same time.
“They did.” Said Minho. “Very obvious.”
Black Dog took a deep breath, pinched the bridge of his nose and looked at Hyunjin, pointing at them all.
“Everyone here.” He said. “Is your responsibility, ‘kay? Because none of the shit went according to our plan and we all have to get the hell out of here in an hour, and you're going to take the packages. It's all your responsibility, Hyunjin."
This wasn’t unusual for Hyunjin, to take responsibility. But this situation was.
"I don't get it, where are we going?" Yeonjun asked, everyone was dumbfounded. "What?"
“The cops will come here in an hour. Everyone else is packing up, we have to go too. We cannot hide in here any longer.”
"So we're going to abandon this house?" Felix asked in terror. This was where he grew up, this was his home. Now he had to leave his house again, just like he did when he was a child. He was going to be homeless, again. This was so sudden.
“We were going to abandon this house one way or another,” Minho muttered, quickly catching up with the situation. “Hurry up, let's pack things. Changbin, get the gasoline ready. Felix and Hyunjin, pack the bags in the stash in your room and wait for us at the door. Yeonjun, you go with Ch-"
He cleared his throat, almost slipping up. Minho was the only one who knew his name, none of them knew. “Go with the Black Dog and do whatever he says.
"You're going to the bunker, you all know the place, right?"
"Yes."
Afterwards, they all went to do the things they were told so without saying another word, Felix rushed forward into the room and just looked around, not knowing what to do.
Hyunjin immediately took his big black bag and started to put the drugs under their beds in his bag, so Felix needed to get essential stuff. He wasn't good at leaving things behind. He could feel the pain boiling up inside his chest, stinging his eyes. But he couldn’t cry, not beside Hyunjin.
He had to swallow it all up, like he always did.
He took the other black bag, opened their closet and stuffed anything he could get his hands on to, stuffing most of the things that could manage them for a while.
He couldn't make sense of this emptiness he felt. He couldn't make sense of anything. It wasn't supposed to be like this. They should have been able to do business here for another month or two, but now they had to escape from this city and make police lose track of them. What was going to happen now?
“Hurry up." Hyunjin pulled his hood up and put on his mask, standing at the door looking at Felix.
Shaking his head as he put the bag on his back, Felix also pulled his hood up and put on the mask Hyunjin handed him and looked around the room, to the stuff he had to leave behind.
“Hyunjin.” Felix said weakly, a slight panic visible in his voice. “I can’t find my hormone injections. I don’t know where they are.”
Hyunjin’s features softened upon hearing him. He spoke with a calm voice, assuring Felix. “Don’t worry. We can buy them later. First we need to get to the bunker first.”
“Can we? Wouldn’t it be dangerous?” Felix was still panicking, Hyunjin could tell. He shook his head and almost smiled.
He knew how anxious Felix was when it was about his hormones, it was not hard to get them but Felix couldn’t help himself, he would get easily distressed about it.
“No, we will figure it out. We always do.”
Felix took a deep breath upon Hyunjin’s words and held his and on his chest, breathing heavily while he looked at his stuff. He wouldn't be able to take any of them.
This room, this house, full of memories, had slipped out of his hands in mere seconds. He didn't get a chance to say goodbye. He wanted to kill everyone who took this chance from him.
They quickly went down and exited the house. “Don't look.” Yeonjun shouted as he rushed ahead, Changbin, Hyunjin and Felix both following his fast steps. “Don't look back, just run!”
Both Hyunjin and Changbin did as he said but Felix looked behind him. While he was running on the dusty dirt road, he took one last look and saw the fire on the walnut tree that he had once climbed and had fallen off many times when he was little.
He stumbled and fell to the ground.
Blood oozed from the torn knees of his trousers and spilled onto the ground, yet he couldn't take his eyes off of the spreading flames.
Minho was coming, running. “Quick!” He screamed. “Get up Felix! They are coming!”
He could hear the sounds of police sirens. He despised it.
He had to stand up when he was pulled hard by his arm and kept running, they weren't the only ones running. Besides those who acted faster than them and had already disappeared, there were also those who were just running away like them and there were ones late in escaping.
They turned left and jumped through the backyard of a house that was engulfed in flames, passed behind many houses to an alley, and continued on their way, tripping over the garbage bags on the floor, again and again.
He didn't quite know where they were going either, as they all ran ahead, he was trying to catch up with them from behind.
“Fuck!” Hyunjin sneaked his head out from the side of the building, looking towards the road as he extended his arm and stopped them all. "We can't get out of here, they've blocked the way."
“This way.” Minho jumped onto the dumpster, reached for the building's fire escape and pulled himself up. After everyone went upstairs one by one, Felix finally grabbed Changbin's hand, pulling himself up and started climbing the stairs after them.
As he heard the sirens, something inside him was crushing, he was thinking how easy it was for everything to go shit in a second. He wished his only concern was Hyunjin's stupidity.
They ran on the roof of the abandoned building to the roof of the other building, it was easy because the buildings were close to each other.
When they managed to get away from the sirens for a bit, they walked through the roof of a building they were on top of and started to descend from the stairs of the apartment.
“Fuck.” Changbin said this time. “We have to catch the subway.”
“The stop is right on the next street. Hurry up."
Before they left the apartment, Hyunjin checked around and turned to look at them, instead their eyes met. “You have to be very fast, they're chasing someone towards this way. We need to catch the subway, if we can't catch up, we're done.”
“Okay, on my count. One two three." As Yeonjun finished counting, they quickly rushed towards the glowing subway stop, it was obviously impossible for them to escape without being seen.
Felix heard the voices of the police, even though they shouted for them to stop, they did not.
“Don't stop at safety, just run!” Changbin screamed and started to slide down from the subway stairs quickly, Felix was still behind because he was running slower than all of them.
While he was trying to catch up with them breathless, Hyunjin suddenly grabbed his arm, then pulled him with all his strength, forcing Felix to catch up with his steps. Felix was aching all over because he kept on getting hit by the stuff in the places they passed, he felt like he was going to fall out of breath and faint. When they came down the stairs, the cops on the left quickly turned towards them, so they all turned right and started running straight.
“Stop or I will shoot!” Felix heard them shout, they still didn't stop, and just as Felix was turning the corner, he heard a gunshot.
Yet they did not stop.
Hyunjin's hand that held his wrist tightly didn't even slip once and forced Felix to catch up with them.
He didn’t left Felix behind.
They managed to get in at the last moment just as the subway was about to leave, it was almost empty since it was the last ride of the day. Apart from a few homeless people napping on couches and a few people trying to get home at this time of the day, there were also the boys trying to save their lives.
Minho panted, leaning his back against the iron bar and sliding down as Changbin gave the middle finger to the cops who couldn't catch them, they laughed when Yeonjun hit Changbin and told him not to attract attention.
While trying to breathe, Felix brought his hand to the right side of his stomach, it was painful because he pushed his limits too much.
Or so he thought.
When a warm, wet liquid got on his hand, he lowered his head and looked at the rapidly oozing blood, he must not had felt it at that moment with the effect of adrenaline.
He was shot.
When he became aware of the wound, he felt the pain fully, it was not nice at all. It hurt more when he tried to press his hand on it, so he pulled his hand away a little and took a look at the blood on his hand.
Oh boy, he was bleeding so much.
"Guys…" He said weakly. “I… I’m…”
Unable to continue, he lost his balance and found himself collapsing into the empty seat, all eyes on him, unable to understand what was going on. He just showed his hand without saying anything.
The fear he saw in their eyes when they realized Felix was shot, was heart breaking.
“Shit.”
"Fuck." Changbin slid down beside Felix quickly, pulling him up into a half sitting position as he pulled Felix’s shirt up. “Fuck. Fuck this looks bad. Pour water here, quick!”
“Is it… Is it normal that he is bleeding this much?” Yeonjun asked a stupid question, his mind blank. He was terrified.
“It hurts, please don't touch it… Please don’t…” Trying not to touch any of them with his bloody hand, Felix was only thinking of one thing, that he didn't want to die. Not yet.
He partly lost his consciousness after that. He just remembered how empty he felt when they were looking at the area where he was shot, the pain of the wound felt as if someone was tearing him apart.
He was writhing in pain, wincing at every movement and whimpering. His friends kept saying that they were very close to the bunker.
“Don’t give up yet.” Yeonjun was saying. “You don't get to give up that easily. We’re almost there. Hold tight.”
They were pressing on his wound, saying that the bullet remained inside because there was no exit from the back.
No one had any idea how seriously injured Felix was, Minho was standing extremely calm and never taking his hand off of his wound even for a second. Changbin was supporting his body, preventing him from slipping and falling on the ground, checking if he was still breathing. Yeonjun was scared, he could see that.
Felix was afraid too, he was looking at them with doe eyes full of fear.
“It hurts.” He cried. “It hurts so bad. It… It hurts so… So bad… Please…do something. It hurts so much! I can't! I can’t stand it…"
“It’s going to be okay. We are here. Breathe and stay with us.” Hyunjin said.
Breathe.