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2023-04-09
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gehrman sparrow and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

Summary:

A convenient Sealed Artifact leaves Gehrman Sparrow temporarily unable to lie. Somehow, Danitz is still the one who suffers.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

It was a peaceful day in Bayam - at least, as peaceful as you could get when Gehrman Sparrow was in town.

Dogshit! Danitz slammed his beer mug onto the counter, then flinched, looking over to his right. The cold and crazy adventurer accompanying him hadn't reacted at all. Danitz instinctually suppressed his sigh of relief, which in turn made him angry again. Damn, I'm so used to tiptoeing around him already?! Even though I'm the one who paid for the drink that he's not even touching...!

It had been several months since "Blazing" Danitz Dubois, fourth boatswain of the Golden Dream (and proud of it), had been forced into servitude by this devil in human skin. In that time, Danitz had suffered indignities that he hadn't even known were possible. Despite this, he stayed by Gehrman Sparrow's side for one very simple reason: he was scared shitless of Gehrman turning him into gold pounds if he tried to escape.

Maybe he plans to gradually raise my bounty, grant me freedom, then hunt me! Like fattening a pig for slaughter! Danitz shuddered. Dosghit! Like I'll accept such a fate... someone, anyone, help me!

In that moment, as if by divine providence, a figure strode into the gap between Danitz and Gehrman's barstools. Danitz squinted. It was almost like the figure had an angelic halo surrounding them - but no, that was just the cheap bar lighting. (His fourth glass of Lanti Proof wasn't doing him any favors, either.) Only now did Danitz realize that the figure hadn't "strode" so much as "stumbled", and that he reeked of sweat and liquor. By way of saviors, divine providence had sent Danitz a drunkard.

The pirate cursed. When I said anybody, I didn't really mean anybody!

"I kno--w you," the drunkard slurred, leaning onto the bar and practically hitting his head on it in the process. "Yer famous."

Gehrman Sparrow responded without looking away from his drink. "And you are Silverback Saul. Despite serving Rear Admiral Dusk Bulatov Ioan, your bounty is only 200 pounds."

Huh? Danitz did a double-take at the drunkard. This guy was seriously a pirate? I never would have recognized him! Does Gehrman Sparrow have the bounty of every single pirate memorized or something?!

The pirate smiled, displaying a mouth of yellowed and missing teeth. "Sure is. And, you know, there's somethin' I've always wanted to ask you."

The commotion was starting to attract the attention of the handful of others in the bar (most of the midday customers had fled the moment Gehrman walked through the door). Alarm bells rang in Danitz's mind. Did this guy have a death wish? A pirate approaching Gehrman Sparrow willingly made about as much sense as the sun setting in the east!

He suddenly received a faint spiritual intuition, causing him to look at Silverback Saul's hand. On it was a simple iron ring that he hadn't noticed before. It was glowing almost imperceptibly. Sealed Artifact...?

Before he could try and warn Gehrman, Saul grinned leerily and asked, "Are you a virgin?"

...What the fuck? Danitz was left speechless. Never in all his years had he met someone stupid enough to say something like that to Gehrman Sparrow. Not even the craziest Hunter - hell, not even Anderson Hood would do that!

He does have a death wish! No, he wishes for something worse than death! Danitz wanted to crawl under the bar and hide. But why do you have to drag us innocent bystanders into the fallout?!

"Yes," Gehrman Sparrow said. His eyes narrowed.

Complete silence fell over the bar.

Silverback Saul blinked. The bartender's jaw dropped. In the back, someone dropped their mug and it shattered, spilling glass and beer all over the floor. Still, nobody dared to move. Danitz felt as if has soul had left his body.

...I'm gonna die...! he thought with absolute certainty. He's gonna kill us... everyone who heard!

Very calmly and with no change in his expression, Gehrman took out his revolver and shot Silverback Saul in the head. The bastard didn't even have a chance to be surprised, dying with the same leery smile on his face. An unbothered Gehrman lifted his still-untouched drink and poured it over the body. Then he got up from the stool and pocketed Saul's strange ring.

He turned to the bartender. "Cash in this bounty for me."

The man squeaked and nodded hurriedly. Satisfied, Gehrman turned and exited the bar without another word, leaving behind a leering corpse, some very confused drunkards, and Danitz.

Huh?! Once Danitz came to his senses a few seconds later, he rushed out after the crazy adventurer. The man was casually walking down the street like nothing had happened, examining the ring.

"W-What was that about?!" the pirate spluttered as he fell into step behind Gehrman. 

"This ring appears to be a Sealed Artifact of the Spectator pathway. Whoever it targets will be unable to lie for some time." Gehrman paused and grit his teeth like he was trying to stop himself from speaking.

"Unable to lie?" Danitz repeated in horror. This was a truly fearsome artifact - not for Gehrman, but for Danitz, who would surely be sent to the grave after hearing something Gehrman didn't want him to hear! I'm doomed! "Is there any way to stop it?"

"No. It's best to get away from public places for now. And to avoid speaking to anyone." The crazy adventurer sent a warning glare over his shoulder. It clearly said: don't talk.

Danitz forced a smile and mimed zipping his lips together. The pair continued down the street.

Just don't talk and you won't hear anything. Don't talk and you won't hear anything! But Danitz's mind was in disarray, and he couldn't stop his thoughts from wandering. Wait, does that mean Gehrman really is a virgin? That's surprising. I thought he'd kill everyone in the bar after he said that... but I suppose a crazy guy like him wouldn't care who overheard.

"U-Um!" The silence had finally become too much for Danitz. "There's nothing wrong with being a virgin, you know. I can introduce you to some girls at the Red Theater-"

He was cut off by the unmistakable sound of a gun cocking. Danitz shut up.

Ugh, even though all I have to do is keep quiet! This is the worst! The pirate cursed himself. While he usually didn't mind not talking to his slaver - he even preferred it - the atmosphere was incredibly oppressive, like he could be devoured by Creeping Hunger any moment. He even let himself entertain thoughts of escape, which he had long given up on, to distract himself from the terrifying silence. Being turned into gold pounds might be better than this...

"Danitz! Is that you?"

A familiar voice echoed through the street, and Danitz paled. It was an old drinking buddy of his named Grant who he hadn't seen in several months, courtesy of Gehrman Sparrow. Dogshit! What kind of timing is this!

"He--y, Danitz! It's been forever!" Grant walked over with a grin and pointed at him. "Where have you been, you bastard?"

Someone get me out of here! Danitz forced a smile, sweat beading on his temples. "Oh, uh, you know. Around." He meaningfully jutted his head towards Gehrman, hoping Grant would take the hint.

"Yeah, I bet. The pirate life is something else." The hint went flying over Grant's head in a glorious arc, hit the ground, and exploded into a million flaming pieces. He turned to Gehrman. "This your friend?"

No, you idiot! Danitz wanted to shake Grant, who apparently hadn't heard any rumors about Gehrman Sparrow's new servant, by the shoulders and yell at him to shut his mouth. After that he wanted the ground to swallow him up, because it would be kinder than whatever fate Gehrman would have in store for him after this.

"I have no friends," Gehrman said emotionlessly.

Grant's smile froze, like he wasn't sure what to say. He forced an uneasy laugh. "Y-You must get lonely, eh?"

"Very often." The crazy adventurer's face was totally flat. "But making friends doesn't suit the persona of Gehrman Sparrow, so I can't talk to anyone even though I want to."

Dead silence.

Grant's eyes widened. "Wait. Did you say Gehrman Spa-"

"Well, gotta go!" Danitz yelled. Without thinking, he grabbed the crazy adventurer's hand and pulled him along in a mad dash. He didn't stop running until he reached a totally empty street. Then he let go of Gehrman's hand like it was on fire and prayed to every god he knew for mercy.

Gehrman stared at him for a moment, making Danitz's heart thump in terror, before apparently deciding the pirate wasn't worth his time and continuing to walk.

I-I've been spared! Danitz, who had become much more religious in the short span of thirty seconds, piously thanked the gods. Maybe I'll survive this day after all! Who cares about what I've already heard!

...what I've already heard...

Danitz's eyes widened as the meaning of what Gehrman had said begun to sink in.

The fact that Gehrman Sparrow was a "persona" wasn't too surprising - he'd appeared from nowhere, after all, and even Captain Edwina couldn't find any information on him. But that he was lonely? Danitz almost thought he had heard it wrong. How could that be possible? The lunatic in front of him, who only smiled when he cashed in a bounty, actually craved human connection? He'd eat his own flames before he believed that!

...But Gehrman really seemed like he couldn't lie right now, and he had no reason to pretend...

Danitz scowled. Why was this his problem, anyway? He couldn't care less about Gehrman Sparrow, let alone whether the bastard had friends or not. And no wonder he doesn't have friends, when he goes around making people into servants! he grumbled. It's called karma, you son of a bitch!

Unfortunately for Danitz, as much as he liked to act tough, he wasn't a truly heartless person - and he certainly wasn't lacking in curiosity. That same outgoing personality was what had led to him being kidnapped by Gehrman in the first place. Still, no matter how insane he is, you'd think he'd know better than to act like that if he wants friends. Does he really have no social skills at all? Did he grow up under a rock? Danitz tried to imagine the thoughts of companionship lurking beneath that cold face, but came up blank. Is he just that bad at expressing himself?

Don't tell me... he made me his servant because he really wanted to befriend me? Danitz had come to a completely wrong conclusion.

Well... if you think of it like that, isn't he kind of pitiful? And he did save my life from Steel Mavetti that time. Those people in Bansy Harbor, too. I guess he's not totally awful, Danitz reasoned to himself. He puffed out his chest in pride, growing smug. Ha! Maybe if he gets on his knees and begs, I'll agree to be his friend!

Now feeling confident, Danitz spoke up with the courage and superiority of a seasoned Provoker. "Hey, if you're gonna be lonely, then why act cold all the time in the first place?" 

Are you dumb? he silently added in his heart.

A wave of bloodlust emanated from the crazy adventurer who was still facing forward, clearly resentful of being forced to answer. "It's best to leave fewer connections behind when I find a way back."

"Back? Back where?" Danitz asked with a tinge of hope. He knew he was toeing the line, but if Gehrman Sparrow left for somewhere, maybe Danitz would be left behind!

There was a long pause. It was as if Gehrman was desperately fighting against the urge to speak.

"Home," he finally ground out.

…Hm? Danitz’s smirk stiffened in place. Of all the answers he could think of, this one he'd expected the least. It was the most shocking thing he'd heard all day - and that was saying something. Home? A guy like that wants to go home? The man himself had once said that he had no friends or family. What home could he possibly want to return to? 

More than that, it just didn't make sense. The concept went so clearly against everything the crazy adventurer was - which was, admittedly, mostly crazy. Then again, Gehrman Sparrow secretly wanting friends made no sense either... And what does "find a way back" even mean? Why can't he just visit his friends by travelling from home? Can he not go back? Why?

The more Danitz learned, the less he understood. It seemed like Gehrman Sparrow's circumstances were a lot more complicated than he'd thought. Hell, Gehrman Sparrow was a lot more complicated than he'd thought. Danitz had only ever seen him as someone crazy but capable, who lived to revel in blood and money. It wasn’t that he held himself back from what he wanted; it was just that he wanted very little. If there was something he truly desired, he could easily obtain it. That was the kind of man Gehrman Sparrow was.

Companionship had never occurred to Danitz as something Gehrman could want. 

So he acts cold and crazy to keep people away from him? Even though he wants people close? To Danitz, this was not only ridiculous, it was a very un-Gehrman-like course of action. Why would he hold himself back? That's so stupid! If you want friends, just make friends, dumbass! So what if you have to leave someday?!

Gehrman's answer had irritated him more than he expected. Danitz scowled again before he furrowed his brows in confusion. Why was he even getting so worked up? He was curious about Gehrman, sure, but they weren't close or anything, definitely not friends - this wasn't his problem, it wasn't his life, Gehrman was plenty capable of handling things on his own - besides, Danitz himself was one wrong word away from the same fate as Silverback Saul-!

But it still felt wrong to leave things like this.

He could almost hear his captain's voice in his ears, just like when she'd first extended a hand to him: Nobody deserves to be alone.

Dogshit! Danitz sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Look, I know I'm just talking out of my ass, and it's none of my business where you're trying to go - but do you really plan on making yourself miserable until you get there?"

This time, Gehrman's reply was without hesitation, voice hollower than usual.

"I can accept that."

Danitz's eyes widened. Taken off guard, he abruptly skidded to a stop, almost bumping into Gehrman's back. The crazy adventurer had frozen in his tracks and was staring at the darkening sky, where the crimson moon had begun to rise. 

"If it means returning home," Gehrman said hoarsely, "I'll endure any amount of this misery."

...

For a moment, there was no sound but the wind, gently blowing. Danitz stared at Gehrman's figure as it swayed slightly, straw in the breeze, like any moment now he'd be blown into the sea and that would be the end.

Then Gehrman began to walk again, leaving Danitz no choice but to wordlessly follow. An inexplicable shame was pooling in his stomach.

The sun continued to set over Bayam.

Several hours later, Gehrman emerged from his hotel room, stone-faced as ever.

"Forget everything that happened today," the madman said flatly. He sat down and began to polish his gun in a very pointed way, not waiting for his servant's response.

"Already forgotten," Danitz mumbled.

But Danitz hadn't forgotten. He didn't think he could ever forget what he'd seen for just an instant in the waning light of the sunset. The infamous bounty hunter of the Five Seas, the scourge of pirates, the incomprehensible lunatic who haunted Danitz's nightmares - that terrifying man had made an expression that he'd never made before, and it left Danitz helpless. It had already been burned into his mind like a brand. He didn't know what to do.

Across the room, Gehrman was still polishing his revolver. Danitz apologized to the crazy adventurer in his heart, and for once he really meant it. Because he knew that no matter how hard he tried, he could never forget that split second in which Gehrman Sparrow had looked so terribly lonely.

Notes:

Hello, my toxic trait is that i am obsessed with cold characters being forced to show vulnerability :D

i feel like there was some tonal whiplash here, probably a few pacing issues too - let me know what you guys think! constructive criticism rules. also comments rule.

5/29 - minor edits for clarity and quality!!