Chapter Text
Nick checked his phone for the 20th time that day. He usually only stared at it during lunch breaks and the walk between his classroom to his car at the end of the day, but lately it’s all he ever does. Checking Instagram, checking Facebook, checking any social media app he can to see how he’s doing. Nick isn’t sure how long he can take of only getting to see him through his pictures or from their friends’ posts. How much longer does he have until he breaks?
It’s been just over a month since that night and Nick hasn’t heard Charlie’s voice since then, unless he counts that one Instagram story Tao posted in his and Elle’s apartment where Charlie was laughing with a piece of pizza in his mouth, shouting at Tao to not film him. Nick was surprised to see that on Tao’s public story given Tao and Elle had taken Charlie’s side. Surely, he’d either be blocked by them or they would only save Charlie posts for their private stories, private groups that Nick was no longer apart of. But at least from that moment, that small glimpse he got to see of Charlie again, Charlie looked to be doing okay. Given it was only a few seconds, he could at least see that he was smiling, that he was eating properly. Nick could at that moment know that Charlie wasn’t getting bad again.
The uber ride over to the bar was taking longer than usual. Nick was meeting up with Tara and Darcy for drinks after completing his final exam week with his students. Summer break was beginning the next week and tonight was the first night Nick was not staying late at school preparing for the next day’s lesson plan. That’s all he had been doing since the Spring semester started and it only got worse in the last two months. The school that Nick taught at decided that the semester after Christmas break, they would begin a new form of curriculum that would finally put their school on the map. Now the school board forgot to tell their teachers they were planning on doing this of course. Nick had to change all his Spring lesson plans he had already completed during the summer before. That meant staying late in his classroom most nights. He would usually get home just after Charlie had finished putting the dishes away of the dinner he had cooked…by himself…for himself. Earlier in the semester when Nick would stay late, Charlie would save him a plate or put it in some Tupperware for Nick to take to work the next day, but after a while Nick typically would make his own meal when he got home. Nick just continued to tell himself that it’ll all be over in a few weeks, finals would come, and he’d finally have the summer to spend with Charlie. He’d also have that summer to spend planning with the new curriculum for the next two semesters, leaving his nights after work free when it came Fall.
When the uber finally pulled up outside of the bar, Nick noticed how insanely packed it was. His heart started to quicken as he wasn’t great with crowded spaces. Nick hated brushing past people, feeling claustrophobic just from the breaths of strangers around him. He wasn’t shocked though as it was a Friday night and that was typically the case for small town pubs. Nick nodded to his uber drive then set out to find Tara or perhaps Darcy as her colored hair would make for an easy target for his search. He had known Tara since they were kids and Darcy since his third year at Truham, the boys’ school he and Charlie had attended. They were already a couple in school and had helped him come to terms with being bisexual. Quickly, Tara, Darcy, Tao, Elle, and Isaac all became a solid group of friends with Nick and Charlie.
After scanning the outside area of the pub, Nick realized his friends weren’t outside with the rest of the 20 somethings who all looked like they definitely had their lives together. Did anyone else completely and utterly just upend their life? Anyone else going through the worst break up of their life? Did anyone know how to get through it? In Nick’s case, it was the only break up in his life. Charlie and he would have been celebrating their eight-year anniversary at the end of this week, instead he was probably going to be ordering in from of the few places that delivered where they lived.
Nick made his way past the front door, squeezing through the crowd. Luckily the bar inside wasn’t completely full. He didn’t feel as anxious as he was when he first got there and saw the packed space. Most people spend their time outside during the early summer months anyways. After what felt like ten minutes of scanning every single head in the place, Nick spotted the purplish pink dyed hair in the corner of the bar at one of the better tables in the place. When he got closer, he saw that Tara had her arm wrapped around Darcy’s waist and a drink in her other hand. They were both facing away talking to the group of people at their table. Nick wasn’t surprised by this as they typically did always find a group of people to entertain or become friends with. If you ever needed something or someone who had a specific set of skills, Darcy probably would have their contact information by the number of people she had become friends with in random pubs, bars, and clubs through the years. Last year when Nick and Charlie had a rodent problem in their house, Darcy gave them the number of some guy she met from London Pride two years prior who was most likely not advertising his pest business in the underground club that they met in. But surely enough, the man was able to catch the mouse that was living underneath their kitchen sink cabinet whom at that point Charlie had named Benny. Whenever there was pitter-pattering going on in the kitchen whilst they sat in the living room, Charlie would go “Oh shit Benny must be out. Nick go! Go catch him!” and without fail, Nick would always find the kitchen empty.
Once Nick made it to his friend’s table, he was able to see who they were talking with. This time he knew he wasn’t about to get a mechanics number from Darcy in a year because he knew the people they were talking with. Sat at the table across from his friends were Tao, Elle, and…..Charlie. Nick’s heart stopped the moment they locked eyes and then it plummeted to the deepest depth of his stomach when he saw Charlie’s smile disappear.
“I thought you said he wasn’t coming…?” Nick heard Charlie whisper to Tara.
Nick placed his hands in his jean jacket pockets and stood there looking like an idiot while his friends whispered about him. Darcy shook her head at Charlie and stood up to put her arm around Nick’s shoulder. Darcy knew how to make an awkward moment just that more awkward.
“I invited Nick! Did I forget to mention that? Oops…sorry!” Darcy smiled brightly at the group who obviously knew she was not going to mention she invited Nick. “But Nick’s here now and it would be silly to send him off…. I mean the poor man drove all the way out here!”
“I actually just took an uber…” Nick’s voice was hardly a whisper. The situation had drained any self-confidence that he barely had left. The group before him would have to have had superpower hearing to hear him over the music and crowd.
“Even better! Means you can sit here and have as many drinks as you’d like with us…all of us.” Darcy patted his shoulder and looked at their group. All their friends knew what happened so this must have been their way, or at least Darcy’s way, of trying to get Charlie to talk to Nick.
Nick looked at Charlie again as Darcy walked over to one of the occupied tables and stole an empty chair for Nick. Charlie was looking anywhere but Nick as he tapped his fingers on the bottom of his pint of beer. Nick could feel the warmth of red spreading to his cheeks. He really was not expecting to see Charlie tonight. He looked so…good. Healthy. Bright. The last Nick checked himself in the mirror he was anything of the sort. He hadn’t slept a full night since Charlie left and was eating out most nights unless his mom, Sarah, brought over a dish. She assured him that this thing with Charlie would be over soon, and they’d be invited for Sunday roast by the end of the month. Nick wasn’t too sure she would feel the same way if she knew all the details of that night. But no one did, not even Charlie.
Darcy scooted the chair over, making all the noise a chair could make dragged across a wooden floor. A few people surrounding them looked over. Nick really did not need anymore embarrassment.
“Here you go, babe. Take a seat! We were just talking about what pride festivities we were going to get up this month.” Darcy said as she took her seat next to Tara again.
Nick looked at the group sitting before him after having had his eyes glued to the floor or ceiling or anywhere but Charlie for the last few moments. He made eye contact with Elle who gave him a warm but apprehensive smile. Nick hoped she understood. He didn’t know what Charlie has said to her since he moved in with Elle and Tao a month ago, and since he hasn’t spoken to either of them, he probably won’t ever know. But her smile gives him hope. Nick’s eyes then glance over to Tao who is most certainly not smiling at him, in fact, he’s most definitely grimacing at him. Nick had noticed since he came up to their table that Tao had inched closer to Charlie as if Nick was going to do something to Charlie and Tao would need to protect him. Tao tolerated Nick, and Nick had thought he’d finally gotten through to Tao since their Truham days, but Nick finally gave him a reason to hate him, and Tao wasn’t going to hold back.
Nick probably should have just left and not dealt with the awkward night he knew was about to live through, but he hadn’t had a night out in months and wanted at least one drink, and who knew maybe Charlie would look his way, so he pulled the chair out and took a seat. As soon as Nick sat though, Charlie immediately got up.
“I’m going to go actually.” Charlie declared, grabbing his jacket from behind him and pulling it on.
“What?! No! You just got here like 10 minutes ago…you haven’t even finished your drink.” Elle had let out.
“I’m just tired and I have an early appointment tomorrow that I just remembered I had so I really shouldn’t be out drinking tonight. I’ll see you guys when you get home okay?” Charlie pushed his chair in and looked at his two roommates. Elle could only nod at that point with Tao doing the same.
Charlie nodded and waved to Tara and Darcy as they whined their goodbyes. Charlie didn’t even give Nick a glance as Nick stared at him from his seated position. He watched him weave through the crowd and heard the bell above the door ring as Charlie left the building.
“Sorry about that Nick…I just thought if you two saw each other…maybe Charlie…I don’t know.” Darcy looked to Nick with apologetic eyes.
“I’m happy you came out tonight, Nick.” Tara smiled at him. If there’s one person in the world that Nick could count on having by his side, it would be Tara.
“Are we really going to pretend that Nick didn’t absolutely break Charlie’s heart merely 3 weeks ago or?” Tao looked at the table. “I mean you guys didn’t see Charlie that night so I can’t understand how we are sitting here with him acting like that didn’t happen.” Tao made it a point to stare directly at Nick as he said those words. Needing him to know that Charlie was wrecked that night, as if he hadn’t already played that entire night in his head every time he shut his eyes.
“Tao…” Elle started.
“What? I’m just saying what we’re all thinking. I’m sorry… actually I’m not, but I’m not going to act like Nick is our friend right now, because he is not my friend. Not after what he did.” Tao took a drink and Elle looked at Nick again, apologetically.
Nick stood at that moment, unable to take it anymore. The awkwardness he could get through but being berated for the night just wasn’t something he wanted to be a part of. He didn’t need to be reminded of how he made Charlie feel or what he did. He was already thinking about it constantly as it were, there was no point in sitting there if that was going to be what the night was.
“I’m just going to go too.” Nick pushed the chair in.
“Oh, c’mon don’t go! Tao’s just being an ass.” Darcy pleaded.
“I’m actually being so truthful right n-“ Tao started before Tara cut him with a pointed look.
“No, I just…I’m not really in the mood anymore. Sorry to bother you guys, and sorry for making Charlie leave. I’ll just stay out of your guy’s way for a while, okay?” Nick’s mouth smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes and he nodded to the group.
“Fine by me.” Tao snickered before grunting as Elle elbowed him in the side and gave him a look that shut him up for good.
“Have a goodnight, really.” Nick put down a few bills for the drinks he didn’t even have and walked away. The fresh air whipped him when he made it out the door. Although it was the beginning of summer, it was still early enough in the season that cool temperatures crept on in the night. He made his way down the sidewalk until he found an area with fewer people and pulled out his phone to order an uber home.
A few moments passed and he heard the shuffling of the gravel in the open parking area that was behind the bar he was just in. He didn’t want to check but also curiosity got the best of him, and Nick peered over the corner of the brick building to see Charlie kicking some pebbles around the garbage bins. Nick pulled back and checked his phone to see his uber was still 15 minutes away. Maybe this was the moment he could finally talk to Charlie. After that night, they hadn’t spoken, and Nick hadn’t gotten the chance to fully explain himself. Maybe, just maybe, Charlie will at least let him speak to him.
With a few deep breaths Nick turned the corner and made his presence known to the one man in the area.
“Hey…” Nick started, and Charlie’s head shot up from the sound. He quickly turned around to wipe his eyes.
“Shit…” Charlie muttered to himself. Nick watched his back as Charlie gathered himself and pulled his phone out of his back pocket to check something. Nick wondered for a moment if he was also waiting for a ride.
“I’m sorry to ruin your night, I didn’t know. Darcy didn’t tell me.” Nick walked a few steps forward so he could see Charlie better. The parking area was dark but there was a streetlight a few meters over that lit it up decently enough that Nick could make out the features on Charlie’s face. A face he missed more than anything.
“It’s fine, Nick. Really. I’m just tired.” Charlie was short with him as he avoided eye contact.
Nick nodded as he slightly swayed where he stood. He contemplated even getting into it with Charlie but knew that there might not be an opportunity like this any time soon. Charlie had ignored Nick’s calls and attempts to talk for a month already, what’s stopping him from ignoring him even longer.
“Listen, Charlie…can we just, can we talk maybe? About that night?” Nick put his hands back in his pockets and looked at Charlie.
Charlie started to shake his head before he spoke, “Nick, I really don’t want to talk to you right now. I can’t.”
“Charlie, we haven’t spoken in a month. I feel like in order to get past this we need to actually have a conversation.” Nick pleaded. He moved closer as Charlie took a step back.
“We don’t need to talk.” Charlie finally looked at him. “There’s nothing to discuss. I saw you. I saw it.”
“But you never actually let me explain myself Charlie. You just left. You literally packed your bags and left while I stood there begging you to stay. I never got to explain to you what happened.” Nick felt the heat in his chest. He had been practicing what he’d say for the last few weeks but this was not the way it was supposed to go. He could feel the anger taking over rather than the maturity he would need to get through this. But he was angry. He was so, so angry. Charlie left after eight years. He just left.
“Nick, what else is there to explain? You know what you did. I know what you did.”
“But I didn’t do what you think I did actually! I didn’t do what you’re accusing me of.” Nick shouted. Frustration was winning. The area was clear of a crowd, but he was sure there would be a few people standing around the bar that could hear him. “You broke up with me over a misunderstanding that you refuse to let me explain. Eight years, Charlie…eight fucking years over nothing.” Nick leaned against the brick wall as he stood across from Charlie. Charlie was leaning against the brick wall of the building next door, a few meters stood between them. Charlie shook his head to himself, his own hands shoved into his pockets.
“Nothing?! Nothing? Wow, you’re really saying that was just nothing. If it was nothing, why the fuck would I uproot my life? Why the fuck would I pack my bags and leave you over nothing? Am I dumb? I’m just so fucking stupid that I obviously could not understand that what I saw, what I saw you did was just nothing? Real nice, Nelson.” Charlie spat.
“I never said you were stupid, Charlie! But what kind of relationship did you think we had that something like that would just, tear us apart, that we’d be over without so much as a conversation.” Nick looked to him and pulled off the wall to step closer to him. Charlie stayed in his spot.
“Fine, Nick, fine. Please explain yourself…explain cheating on me. Please I would love to fucking hear it.” Charlie’s voice got bolder as well.
“I didn’t cheat on you Charlie.” Nick looked at him, eyes wet. Charlie stared right back at him, fury in his eyes.
“Yes, okay. Yes. I had a moment.”
Charlie scoffed at that. “A moment…” he muttered.
“Work has been hard lately, and you know that. You know the shit that got thrown at me since the beginning of this year. Okay, I admit I should have been home more but it’s not like what I was coming home to was all that welcoming.” Nick took a breath after that. He knew there was no going back now.
“Excuse me?” Charlie’s brow pinched.
“You barely touched me Charlie…” Nick could feel the lump in his throat now. “And yes, I know, you were going through something. But you barely touched me. I would come home after working 12 hours and you would barely glance my way. When we ate dinner, you would be silent. When we sat on the couch together, you’d be on the other end.”
Charlie cut him off. “You knew I was at a low point though Nick. I wasn’t up for all of that…we’ve been through this. We’ve been together eight years as you so love to bring up.” Charlie sniffled at that point as Nick caught the tears in his eyes shining from the streetlight.
“I know. I know. But I’m in this relationship too. I want to feel loved too. I spend so much time taking care of you and making sure you’re okay and then I’m sitting there with nothing.”
“So, it’s only my fault now?”
“No! No…not entirely. I just….at some point during the year I didn’t feel like rushing home anymore. So, I stayed at work longer than I had to. Sometimes it felt better to come home with you already in bed, so I didn’t have to feel like shit when I stepped through the door. And yeah, I should have said something. I was wrong to not say something.” Nick looked at Charlie. He knows he’s in the wrong. He knows he should have said something instead of staying at work all the time. This probably never would have gotten to where it was if he just said something instead of thinking his problems weren’t nearly as bad as Charlie’s. There was no point in making Charlie feel worse when he was at his low points.
“So, I didn’t have sex with you for a few months, so you went and found it somewhere else? That’s what I’m hearing right?” Charlie crossed his arms against his chest. The air was cool around them.
“I never had sex with her Charlie. We never, it never…there was never anything between us. What you saw that night was the only time, and even then, it’s not what you think.” Nick pleaded his case. This is the first time they have said all of this out loud.
“Nick, all I am hearing right now is you didn’t want to be with me. That when I’m going through something, instead of just talking to me like a real fucking human because, which you may find shocking, I am capable of understanding your feelings. I am not some fucking baby who cannot take criticism. If you were feeling like that you should have said something, instead you kissed someone else. Someone you told me time and time again that nothing was going on. And I believed you!” Charlie laughed at that point, but it was a bitter laugh. “I trusted you to work with her after I saw how much she liked you. I would tell myself every night when you were working late that you would not throw away our entire life together for some girl you worked with.” Nick’s eyes were stinging at that point. “But I guess I was wrong.” Charlie’s eyes seared into Nick. For as much eye contact they avoided earlier in the night, they’ve been locked on each other since Nick found him.
“You weren’t wrong Charlie. I love you. You are the person I want to be with. There was nothing between her and I, there’s never going to be anything between her and I. I fucked up. I am not going to act like I didn’t, but to throw away everything we have? For a kiss? I just cannot let that happen.” Nick took another step closer until he was only an arm’s length from Charlie. Charlie stayed against the brick wall.
“But you did Nick. And I’m sorry I got bad. I’m sorry that I didn’t kiss you every night or talk to you or hug you. I’m sorry I drove you away, I get it. I can’t take it back, but what you did…I just can’t. I’m sorry…” Charlie looked away from Nick, checking his phone again after it buzzed in his pocket.
Nick stared at him; auburn brows furrowed. “No saying sor-“ Nick started before Charlie cut him off.
“Don’t, Nick, please…just…don’t.” Charlie pulled his hand from his pocket and raised it slightly as a defense against Nick’s words. Nick watched as a tear fell from Charlie’s eyes before he looked over to the street beside them. “My ride is here…please just…leave me alone.” Charlie pushed himself off the wall and walked past Nick. Nick took the mere second of closeness to bring in Charlie’s scent. The shampoo he used changed and he stopped wearing the expensive body spray Nick got him for Christmas. Perhaps because it still sat in their…in Nick’s bedroom. Nick watched Charlie hop into the black vehicle without even a glance back and continued watching as they drove off. Moments later Nick’s own uber had pulled up.
By the time Nick had got home he felt as if he had been out all-night drinking. Not in the sense of being inebriated but just completely exhausted. He kicked off his shoes and made his way upstairs to take a shower. Nick stood under the hot water playing their fight over and over. He was so, so, so fucking stupid. He didn’t say anything he had wanted to say. He wanted to say he was sorry, like utterly and completely sorry, he wanted to explain everything in detail that happened that night, he needed Charlie to know the truth. Instead, he let all the anger that had been building up for the last few months out. Nick did feel all those things, but he also knew they were selfish feelings. He understood that Charlie wasn’t going to be as attentive as he usually was most of the year. They had already been through this multiple times during their relationship. Charlie would get depressed, and Nick would be there for him. He would always be there for him. They were used to this. Nick didn’t blame Charlie for being depressed, but this happened while his work was hell, it broke him down a bit. He messed up. Did his whole life have to be ruined for something that meant nothing? It truly meant nothing to him. Why couldn’t Charlie just see that?
Once his entire body was raw due to the heat from the water, Nick stepped out and put on a pair of boxers and brushed his teeth with his back to the sink. Since Charlie left, he barely looked at himself in the mirror. He didn’t like himself at that moment. Nick made his way back to the living room and crashed on the couch. He already had a blanket and pillow settled onto the cushions since he began sleeping in the living room a few weeks ago. Too many things in his bedroom reminded him of Charlie. The photobooth pictures they took whenever they saw one in public, the records they would listen to on Sundays, and the clothes that Charlie still hadn’t come to pick up. Too many memories lay in that bed as well. The couch was gentler to his heart.
Before Nick would let sleep take him away, if sleep would even take him away, he pulled out his phone and checked the time. It was two minutes past midnight. Without thinking, he opened Charlie’s messages and stared at the unanswered texts he had sent to Charlie the days after he left. Some long paragraphs, others just pleas to talk to him. Nick drafted a short text to send to Charlie, taking a quick breath before hitting send.
Nick: Happy Anniversary, Charlie. I love you.
A quick notification came up to say the message failed to send so Nick tried again.
This time a new message popped up from Charlie. Nick’s heart jumped to his throat, and he quickly sat up before reading the message. And then his heart stopped.
Charlie: ERROR: Unable to send message. This user has blocked your number.
It’s really over.