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Buck stood on the roof of his apartment building looking over the incredible LA scenery in front of him. The hustle and bustle of the busy LA streets was something he was going to miss hearing. Was going to miss watching. He didn’t think his new apartment block was going to have such an incredible view on that side of town. He didn’t think the noises were going to be quite as peaceful and comforting as they were today. Buck took in a deep breath before moving away from the view of the world around him, he hadn’t come onto the roof to stare at the view.
He had always loved this roof because it was the perfect private place to dance through his emotions and feelings after a harrowing dream. He had wished he could have used it more before the truck left him grounded, but it had been the first place he had gone when the cast had come off. It had been the best stage he had performed on even during his travels. He had come up here because more than any day since he had moved into his apartment, since he had moved to LA, he needed to get the emotions out. Before they destroyed him. He took a couple of steps away from the edge he had used as his view point and took out his phone and headphones that were buried deep in his pockets. He placed the headphones in his ears before clicking shuffle on the mood playlist he had found on Spotify. How Spotify always knew the song he needed to dance to he would never know, but it hadn’t failed him so far. He placed his phone down on the dirty roof floor by the stairwell door and clicked shuffle. Then he started to listen to the first keys to the song before letting out a large sigh. Spotify was right again. This song was exactly how he felt. This is what he needed.
I guess it's funnier from where you're standing
'Cause from over here I missed the joke
Clear the way for my crash landing
I've done it again
Another number for your notes
Buck had finally crashed and burned last night. The pressure had been building for months and Buck hadn’t been strong enough to push the pressure back any longer. He had bent like a car in a compactor. Held on for a while but eventually crushed into itself and gave in. Buck has given in. The drips of blood surrounding the razor on his bathroom sink showed that. He hadn’t added new lines to his arms in years. He was just glad he remembered to not go so deep so they didn’t scar. Not on his arms. His legs were where the lines were still visible after all these years. He was lucky. They could be hidden. He had just wanted the pain in his chest to stop. The pain that shouted that he was stupid, a failure. The pain that shouted he was alone again. He was another phone number in someone's contacts that was there as an afterthought in case something went wrong. Not a number that was used when something was good and happy.
Buck had pulled himself together after watching the blood slowly drip down his arms for 10 minutes. The tears had flowed faster down his cheeks than the blood did down his forearm as he added line after line down his arms until the blood pooled around his hand like a glistening glove. He wasn’t sure if he was sad or glad that he had been off the blood thinners for a week. Maybe it would have been less painful if he was still on them. At Least then he wouldn’t be the butt of the joke for anyone anymore. At least anywhere he could hear them. But the kids of the 118 hadn’t deserved that. He had crawled off the floor and bandaged his arms for them.
I'd be smiling if I wasn't so desperate
I'd be patient if I had the time
I could stop and answer all of your questions
As soon as I find out how I can move from
The back of the line
He had tried to wait until Bobby was ready. But he had gotten desperate. He had spent months alone in his apartment with not a single person to talk to or share his crazy research binges with. Yes, Maddie had picked him up to take him to Eddie’s probie ceremony, and Eddie had dropped off Christopher once or twice when he had been in a bind, but that had been the level of contact he had with his sister and the 118 in months. Buck’s life had imploded when that fire truck had crushed his leg, but everyone's else had kept moving. He had tried to reach out but he wasn’t anyone's first priority to check in with. He wasn’t even in the top 10 for most of the 118. Maybe he should have pushed more before deciding to go ahead with the lawsuit, but he had felt trapped. He had felt like he was at the bottom of a pit in the dark screaming for someone to get him out. Mackey had been the only one to throw him a rope to climb out. No matter how flimsy the rope had been. But the rope had snapped when he was so close to the top, and he was right back at the bottom again. He actually thought he had fallen even further.
I'll be your clown
Behind the glass
Go 'head and laugh
'Cause it's funny
I would too
If I saw me
I'll be your clown
On your favourite channel
My life's a circus, circus
Round in circles
I'm selling out tonight
Buck twirled and leaped across the roof as the bandages wrapped around his forearms tightly squeezed him. He twisted and turned with a soft gentle elegance he didn’t allow many people to see. His body swayed to the soft tune of the music that twinkled in his ears. His heartbeat grew steadily as he grabbed at the air around him performing for no one, yet he performed like the world was watching him. As the tears streamed down his face he smiled. At least he could finally breathe just a little.
I'd be less angry if it was my decision
And the money was just rolling in
If I had more than my ambition
I'll have time for, "Please"
I'll have time for, "Thank you's"
As soon as I win
He wasn’t like the others at the station, he wished they understood that more. Bobby had Athena and the kids. He had been lucky. Blessed with a new family that adored him. Hen had Karen and Denny. She had her brains, her wit, she was going to be a doctor or captain one day. She was going to be something incredible, he just knew. Incredible things weren’t destined for him. Chimney for a while seemed on the same wave link as Buck. Single and going home alone with the fire fam being his family. It was comforting for a while. But then, Maddie had arrived. Buck loved his sister and was so happy she found her happily ever after, but she had found it by leaving him behind. By taking the only person that made him not feel so alone with her. And Eddie. Eddie had Chris. Eddie got to have the most amazing kid by his side every day. He had medals and honours. He had Carla and Abuela and Aunt Pepa. They all had something, someone that made their lives special. Buck only had his job. Well, he did.
The bills had been stacking up for months and spoke differently. That he didn’t have his job. Not for a while. Since he was cleared, his disability pay had stopped. He hadn’t made even close to the same pay as a fire marshal, and the tsunami held him back longer, but the department had argued he hadn't been hurt on the job during that time. So he didn’t qualify for the same pay when he had to extend his leave because of it. He had already been struggling because Ali had left him with an overpriced apartment and only one pay check coming in. With the added hospital bills that were stamped overdue on his kitchen counter and the lawyer bills he was now liable for because he dropped the lawsuit. He had more money inside his couch than he did in his bank. Or not. He had scrounged the couch last week to try and find money to help pay the electric bill. His electricity had been shut off two days ago. The bills were piling higher and higher. The red overdue notices were becoming bigger and bigger. And Buck had no one to turn to to help.
I'll be your clown
Behind the glass
Go 'head and laugh
'Cause it's funny
I would too
If I saw me
I'll be your clown
On your favourite channel
My life's a circus, circus
Round in circles
I'm selling out tonight
Buck had sold out, he knew that. He did what he thought would help him survive, but it had only caused him to drown faster. He just hoped he could figure out a way to swim soon.
From a distance my choice is simple
From a distance I can entertain
So you can see me
I put make-up on my face
But there's no way you can feel it
From so far away
He had been putting up a front for years that he was ok. That being alone was a good thing. That it was freeing. He had bounced from one job, one family to another across the country for a long time before finally settling in LA. He had been debating again whether it was time to move on to another state when he had met Abby. When he thought he had finally found someone who didn’t see him as some dumb kid that was only there to laugh at and provide comedic value to someone's day. But she had left without even glancing back several months later. And Buck was the clown again for waiting, and thinking Abby, someone, was finally going to come back.
The Fire fam had and would always see him as some dumb kid. It was Buck’s fault and he knew that. He had slept with everything that walked when he moved to LA. Thinking one night stands were better than the real connection he had been searching for for years. But the desperation to shove that search down had caused him to make bigger mistakes. Bigger mistakes that had almost cost him the one thing he had actually had in life that made him feel normal. But he had wanted desperately for them to like him, to make it up to them after stealing the truck. So he became an entertainer. The one to make them laugh with and laugh at. Because when they were laughing at least they were happy with him. And happy people didn't leave what was making them happy behind. Or so he had thought. Maybe he should have shown his brains like Hen and talked about the PHD he had finished off during his probie year. Maybe he should have shown his leadership and logical thinking skills he had built during his time running the ranch in Montana after the owner had had a heart attack and Buck took over the team while he healed. He could have talked about his time in the Seals like Eddie, been a war hero. But none of those things had found him a true family before LA. And the Fire fam already had those places covered. They hadn’t needed a leader, a scholar, or a war hero. They needed a clown.
I'll be your clown
Behind the glass
Go 'head and laugh
'Cause it's funny
I would too
If I saw me
I'll be your clown
On your favourite channel
My life's a circus, circus
Round in circles
I'm selling out tonight
Buck took a quick glance around the roof as the tears streamed onto the floor below and his hair clung to his sweaty forehead. He could do this. He could be the entertainer, the clown everyone needed until in the end they wanted him again. Until he finally didn’t feel so alone. Buck would do whatever it took because right now he was desperate. Desperate to be anything to someone.