Chapter Text
"... so it turned out Ann had booked us a table at this super fancy restaurant, and the food was amazing but it was the setting that made it so special. We were sat right by the window overlooking this lake and it was so romantic with the candles and the view..."
Chishiya nodded absent-mindedly from the other end of Kuina's tiny sofa as she rambled endlessly about her magical date with Ann. Of course, according to Kuina, every date she went on with Ann was magical, but this one was extra special on account of being their six month anniversary. He managed to stop himself from pointing out that their date a week earlier for Ann's birthday and the one three weeks before that for their five month anniversary had also been 'extra special'.
"Shiya!" Kuina's sudden change in tone jerked him out of his thoughts and he blinked, trying to look as if he had been paying attention the entire time. "Are you even listening to me?"
"Of course. Extra special date. Magical setting. Ann is an angel descended from heaven to walk among us mere mortals, etcetera."
He ducked as she flung the cushion she had been leaning on at his head. "You have no sense of romance."
"Correct." She looked like she wanted to say something and he sighed. "Stop with the face and just ask me whatever it is."
"Do you not date like, at all?" she asked, before her eyes widened and she hastily continued. "Not that you have to, if you're ace or aromantic or... that's obviously fine! You don't have-"
"It's fine," he cut her off, sparing her further panic as she desperately back-peddled. "I've just never dated. My social circle wasn't exactly extensive before the Borderlands and most people who met me didn't tend to see me as boyfriend material."
"And now?"
He shrugged. "I'm still not what you would describe as a social butterfly. I'm not as bad as before the Borderlands, obviously, but I still find most people..." He paused, searching for the right word.
"Difficult?" Kuina suggested.
He snorted. "I was going to say insufferable, but I suppose difficult works too."
"Okay so, what I'm hearing is that you would date but it would have to be a very particular kind of person? Like, you'd need someone smart, obviously, and they'd definitely have to be pretty understanding to put up with you."
"Rude," he muttered. She ignored him.
"Oh, and they'd have to be kind. You need someone who can remind you that people don't all suck."
"I guess."
Kuina suddenly gasped. "Shiya, I've just-"
"No."
Her face fell. "You don't even know what I was going to say."
"I don't need to," he said firmly. "I know that face. Besides, it's not exactly a stretch to work it out."
"But they'd be perfect for you! Come on, Shiya, just one date. Pleeease," she whined, puppy dog eyes directed his way.
"No." He folded his arms. "I told you. I don't date."
"Not even one time? You never know, you might-"
"I. Don't. Date." He spoke slowly, carefully emphasising each word. Kuina considered for a moment before her eyes widened in understanding.
"Oh! Of course. You've never been on a date."
"Yes?" He frowned lightly. "Was that not the entire point of this stupid conversation?"
"Yes but I mean, of course you don't want to go on a date if you've never done that before! I should have realised." That wasn't it at all; Chishiya didn't want to go on a date with a stranger because it was a stupid idea that would lead to an incredibly awkward evening and absolutely nothing else. However, Kuina seemed to accept her invented excuse and if it would mean she dropped the subject he wasn't going to correct her.
As he watched, a slow smile spread across her face. "Hey, Shiya..."
He sighed. "What now?"
"So you don't want to go on an actual blind date, that's fine. But what about a practice date?"
Just when he thought the peak of stupid ideas for the evening had been reached. "What?"
"A practice date. So like, you go and do date things but it's not a date, you're not there to be romantic with the other person, you're just practicing date activities."
Chishiya snorted. "Please tell me you're joking. Who would even agree to go through this nonsense with me anyway?"
"No, it's a great idea! And I know just the person. They also suck at dating so they need practice too."
"Kuina..."
"Come on Shiya. It'll be fun!"
He knew that look in her eye. Kuina's strong will was one of the things that had drawn him to her in the first place, but when she put her mind to it she could be even more stubborn than him.
"Fine," he huffed, resigned.
Kuina threw herself across the couch to wrap him in a hug. He grunted at the force of the impact but allowed her to cuddle him, bringing his own arms up to return the gesture, if slightly less enthusiastically. "Thanks Shiya. You're the best." She sat back, grinning. "This is going to be so much fun."
Chishiya suppressed a groan. Somehow, he doubted that.
***
Chishiya sighed to himself as he walked slowly towards the coffee shop, earbuds pumping music into his ears as he did his best to ignore the rest of the human race. He may have resolved to be a better person after the Borderlands, but that didn't stop the vast majority of people from being largely insufferable. Besides, today was already stretching his patience about as far as it would go; he really didn't have any to spare for the standard level of irritating he had come to expect from the general population. Quite why he had let Kuina talk him into this, he had no idea. She was just annoyingly hard to say no to.
He reached his destination, a little independent cafe that he hoped at least served decent coffee; he'd take whatever he could get to make the next hour or so more tolerable. He sighed once more and pushed the door open, stepping inside. The interior was nice enough, he supposed, cosy without crossing the line into overly cutesy and saccharine. On a different day, Chishiya could imagine himself spending a free afternoon here with a book and a cup of coffee and quite enjoying himself. If only he wasn't here for this instead.
He scanned the array of armchairs and low tables, searching for someone sat alone who looked as though they might be waiting for him. He had absolutely no idea who Kuina had arranged for him to meet, just that they were, in her words, "as completely hopeless at dating as you and need all the help they can get". The more he thought about it, the stupider this whole plan seemed. Sure, he understood the principle Kuina had come up with of sending them on 'practice dates' so they were ready for the real thing, but how were they supposed to improve if neither of them knew what they were doing? Really, this whole thing was an utter waste of time and he should just leave now before he had to-
"Shiya! Hey, Shiya! Over here!"
Chishiya blinked as he jolted out of his thoughts, turning to find someone waving at him from a table across the room, a wide grin on their face. He frowned slightly, crossing over to address them.
"Arisu?"
"Hey." Arisu smiled up at him, brushing his shaggy hair out of his eyes. "Sorry to drag you over here. I just saw you come in so I thought I'd say hi. I'm waiting for someone and it feels kind of awkward to be sat here on my own."
"I see." Chishiya did not, in fact, see. He had done most things on his own for most of his life and, whilst he did actually have friends now for the first time in over a decade, he still preferred his own company over most people's. "Who are you waiting for? Usagi?" That seemed the most likely option. He knew they were close.
Arisu shook his head. "No. I, um..." He flushed slightly. "It's kind of embarrassing."
"Oh?"
His blush deepened. "I- Kuina thinks I need help with dating. So, um, she decided to set me up on... she called them practice dates with someone else she thinks needs help too. This is meant to be the first one but they're not here yet."
Chishiya took a breath, trying to decide if this was better or worse than doing this with a stranger. Better, he decided; it was still stupid, but at least he'd be stuck with someone whose presence he could tolerate. "Actually, they are."
Arisu's eyes widened. "You?"
"Me." Chishiya slid onto the seat opposite Arisu.
Arisu took a moment, seemingly thinking it through. "I... Right. Okay. Sorry. I just, didn't expect that."
Chishiya raised his eyebrows. "You're surprised that I'm here? Aren't you the one with a girlfriend?"
"Oh." Arisu shifted awkwardly in his seat. "No. Usagi and I are just friends."
"Really?" Chishiya gave him a skeptical look. "It didn't seem that way to me."
"No. We, um- we thought that maybe we might be more than that for a while but we realised pretty quickly that we weren't... So yeah, I've never actually been on a real date before."
Chishiya shrugged. "Me neither. I was hoping you might have some idea of what exactly we're supposed to be doing because I do not."
"Well, Kuina gave me this." Arisu reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out a slightly crumpled envelope. "She said that for each date she'd give us some instructions or tips because she thinks we're too clueless to work it out for ourselves."
"I beat the King of Diamonds," Chishiya muttered mutinously. "I'd hardly say that was clueless."
Arisu laughed. "I don't think she was talking about your intelligence, Shiya. We all know you're like a scary-smart genius." He glanced down at the piece of paper he'd pulled out before holding it out to Chishiya. He took it and quickly scanned the words.
Date 1: Coffee Shop
Have a drink and get to know each other. Don't overthink it and keep it light- it's only a first date! Should last at least one hour.
Chishiya nodded before glancing at the counter, meeting the slightly impatient gaze of the waiting barista. "I suppose we ought to get a drink. What do you want?"
"You don't have to get it for me," Arisu said awkwardly but Chishiya shook his head.
"It's supposed to be a date. Aren't you meant to pay when you're taking someone out? I'm sure I heard that somewhere. Then if you report back to Kuina she might think I'm capable enough for us to drop this nonsense. Besides, aren't you trying to save money at the moment to get your own place?"
"Yeah, but-"
"But nothing. My parents viewed me the same way they've approached every other problem they've ever encountered- throw money at it and hope it goes away. I can afford to buy you a coffee."
"If you're sure. Can I get a mocha then, please."
Chishiya nodded. "Be right back."
He made his way up to the counter, hands stuffed in his pockets. "Two mochas, please."
The barista nodded as she tapped his order into the till, face utterly bored. "Do you want cream on those?"
He glanced back at Arisu, now fiddling with his phone. "Yes," he decided. "Please. That's all, thank you."
He paid and she turned away make the coffees. He let his gaze drift back to Arisu, still engrossed in whatever he was doing on his phone. Even if he wasn't with Usagi, Chishiya was still surprised to see him here. He was everything Chishiya wasn't- patient, selfless, likeable and good with people. Surely, someone must have been interested in him, with his thick mop of hair and expressive doe eyes. It didn't make sense, not like it did for Chishiya.
"Here."
He turned back to the counter, picking up the steaming mugs with their little mountains of whipped cream and nodding his thanks before carefully carrying them back over to the table. Arisu looked back up as he drew close, smiling widely at him.
"Are you copying me?" He nodded at the identical drinks.
"Maybe." He slid one in front of Arisu, before taking a spoonful of cream off his own.
"I'd have thought you were more of a simple black coffee kind of person."
Chishiya smirked, already diving back for another helping of cream. "I like sweet things."
Arisu lifted his mug, taking a careful sip of the coffee. "So, you've really never been on a date?"
Chishiya arched an eyebrow. "I'm not sure why you sound so surprised. No, I have not."
He watched, amused, as a light blush spread across Arisu's cheeks. He really was too easy to wind up.
"I didn't mean- it's not a bad thing! I just would have thought, you know..." He trailed off, clearly hoping that Chishiya would let him off the hook, something that he absolutely was not going to do.
"No, I don't know. Please do tell me." A smile played on his lips as he watched Arisu's blush darken.
"Well, you're obviously... I'm just surprised no one has been interested before, given that you look... like that," Arisu mumbled.
Chishiya snorted. "I never said that no one was interested in me, just that I never dated any of them."
"Oh." Arisu's face flamed bright red. "Sorry. I didn't mean to-"
Chishiya waved a hand dismissively. "It's fine. You realise I'm just messing with you, right?"
"Oh," Arisu said again. "I, um... sorry."
"Seriously, you can stop apologising. I could have said the same thing about you anyway. I would have thought that girls would be all over the lost puppy thing you have going on." He paused. "Or guys, if that's more your thing. Although given that you and Usagi almost dated..." He shrugged. "Not that it matters. Doesn't make any difference to me who you date."
"Karube always used to say that I wouldn't notice if someone liked me if they tattooed it on their foreheads. Terminally oblivious was the phrase he used I think," Arisu commented with a small, slightly sad smile.
"I can believe that," Chishiya replied. "I noticed when people were interested. I just thought they were idiots."
He was pleased to see the sadness drain out of Arisu's smile as he laughed.
"That makes sense. Whoever you date would definitely need to be able to keep up with you. Or come close anyway. I'm not sure you'd ever find someone if they had to match you."
"It hardly matters anyway. It's not like I'm actually planning on dating any time soon."
"Really?" Arisu frowned. "Why are you here then?"
"Kuina. It was this or she set me up on an actual blind date. Hopefully after a couple of weeks she'll be satisfied and set us free." Arisu laughed again and the corners of Chishiya's mouth lifted slightly. "I must say I'm glad it was you and not a total stranger like I was expecting. As I'm sure you've noticed, I'm not exactly a people person. This wasn't so bad though."
"Yeah," Arisu replied with a wide smile. "I was kind of nervous while I was waiting thinking it was a stranger coming."
"Really? I'd never have known," Chishiya teased, and was gratified to see another blush. Really, it was remarkably easy to embarrass Arisu; for someone who survived death games, it did not take much to get him flustered.
"Shut up," he mumbled, drinking the last of his mocha before glancing at his phone. "I probably ought to go soon. University is kicking my arse at the moment. I have so much work to get done and I want to do as much as I can before the weekend so I can make it to Usagi's movie night on Saturday." He paused. "You're coming to that, right?"
"Should be. I have work until 7 but I can come after that."
"We could order takeout," Arisu suggested. "Then you can come straight over without having to worry about food."
"Sounds good." Chishiya gave him a small smile. "I'll see you on Saturday then, or whenever Kuina organises the next one of these."
"Sure." Arisu stood, shrugging into his jacket and moving out from the table. "Thanks for the coffee."
"Don't mention it. Good luck with your work."
Arisu nodded, giving him one last smile as he headed out of the cafe. Chishiya waved as he walked away before settling back in his chair and sipping the last of his coffee. Honestly, that hadn't been half as bad as he was expecting. Quite what Kuina thought he was going to get out of it he wasn't sure, given that all they'd done was talk like they normally would but without the others, but he wasn't going to complain. If he had to go through with this stupid plan, this was far preferable to the inane chatter of some random idiot.
It was simple. All he had to do was go on fake dates with Arisu for a couple of weeks, pretend he'd learned something and Kuina would leave him and his nonexistant love life alone.
This was going to be easy. He would be fine.