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It all starts after Buck and Natalia break up. They’re between calls and Hen and Chim decide to quiz Buck about the break-up. It’s been a couple of weeks so they both apparently feel like they can be nosy.
Eddie’s trying not to listen to them, even though he’s just as nosy, but he never liked Natalia and he’s not sad they’ve broken up. He doesn’t want anyone to know that though, especially Buck, because Buck liked her. A lot. He thought she saw him. He bought a fucking couch with her and broke Eddie’s heart. There had been a moment there when he’d thought, maybe, maybe he could say something and Buck would see him. Maybe Buck would see him and realize Eddie saw him too, that he’d always seen him, in all of his wild chaos and kindness and boundless love. Not Natalia. Not someone who was only interested in one aspect of his life, or rather his death. Eddie had tried to like her, he’d really tried, but he could never warm up to someone who was so grossly fascinated by the worst three minutes and seventeen seconds of his life. Eddie had held Buck’s life in his hands and he knew, he knew, how precious that life was and he hated her for thinking Buck’s death was worth more than his beautiful beating heart.
So yeah, Eddie doesn’t want to hear it, doesn’t want to be involved in the conversation, but he also wants to know how Buck’s doing. They haven’t talked much lately and definitely not about Natalia because Eddie knows that Buck has picked up on his dislike for her.
Eddie pretends to read his book as he listens to Buck say, yeah, he’s sad, but he’s fine now - really, he’s okay. Eddie looks over at him from the corner of his eye and he sees Buck looking back at him as he repeats again that he’s okay with the break-up, that he realized she wasn’t the one, that they weren’t suited afterall.
Not suited like us.
“I don’t miss her,” Buck says. “Just the idea of her.”
“The being in a relationship bit?” Hen asks.
“Yeah, I miss the everyday, ordinary bits - sleeping beside someone, holding them, kissing them. God, I’ll miss the kissing, I always miss the kissing. I love kissing.”
Eddie listens as Hen, Chim, and Ravi all agree and talk about their own ordinary bits of relationships while he thinks about how all of Buck’s ordinary bits are his too. He’s always loved the simple closeness of another person, and the kissing, Eddie could kiss for hours. He wants to kiss Buck for hours and he knows he’s petty enough to hate anyone who got to have that with Buck and gave it up, gave him up. Because that’s yet another thing he can’t forgive Natalia for - giving up on Buck. He knows the giving up must’ve been on her side because Buck never gives up, he’s loyal and stubborn as hell, and also so horribly full of fear of abandonment that he holds on where he shouldn’t. Eddie wants to take that fear away from him because if he ever had Buck he’d never walk away, Buck would never be alone again. Eddie could never leave him, he can’t breathe without him.
He notices, amongst all of the voices, that Buck’s has gone silent. Eddie looks up from his book and finds him still looking over at him so he holds Buck’s gaze, raises an eyebrow in question and Buck’s face smoothes out, relaxes, and he smiles and Eddie knows he really is okay.
The anxiety and worry that’s been churning in Eddie’s stomach settles. Maybe now the two of them can go back to normal.
~*~
They do go back to normal, well as normal as the two of them ever are.
A few months pass and Buck’s back to spending most of his time at Eddie’s place instead of the loft. Both he and Christopher are happier and Eddie wants to say, see, see what you mean to us? See where you belong?
“Do you think I should go back on the apps?” Buck asks out of nowhere one morning as they’re finishing up breakfast after coming back to Eddie’s house after a shift.
“What?” Eddie almost chokes on his eggs.
“It’s been three months, I think I should get out there again. I don’t want to be alone for as long as I was after Taylor.”
“No, I don’t think you should be on the apps.” Eddie’s trying to keep his voice from sounding bitter. “Apps are ridiculous.”
“But I miss being with someone.”
“You’re with us.”
Buck smiles at him. “I know, but I still miss the other stuff.” Eddie remembers the conversation at the station, about the things the team all missed when they weren’t in relationships. “I mean don’t you too, Eds? It’s been even longer for you since you broke up with Marisol.”
Marisol. Eddie regrets that entire relationship, well, it wasn’t even a relationship. You can hardly count a handful of mediocre dates a relationship. He knows he was terrible to her, he only asked her out because Natalia came back for a second chance with Buck and he was feeling a bit lost and adrift. He used Marisol in the worst way, he was so selfish, and while he’d told her the truth in the end, and apologized profusely, it doesn’t take back what he did. Marisol had been far too kind to him and he still feels fucking awful about it.
So yeah he does miss it, he really fucking misses it, because to be honest he hasn’t had it since Shannon - that feeling of closeness, being happy in the ordinary. He’d always been awkward and uncomfortable with Ana and he and Marisol had never gotten to the point where they’d shared those ordinary things. Shannon was the last person he’d spent afternoons in bed with, or spent hours kissing.
“You just wanna make out with someone.”
Buck laughs, “Yeah, actually I do.”
Eddie smiles at him, but he doesn’t answer his question right away. He plays with his fork and tries to figure out what he’s going to say next because he has an idea, a really fucking stupid idea, and maybe if he doesn’t talk for a while longer he won’t actually say it out loud. Buck goes back to his breakfast but Eddie can feel him glancing over at him every once in a while.
“Yeah, I do miss it. Of course I do,” Eddie finally says. “Because I never really had it with anyone other than Shannon and it’s been a really fucking long time.”
“Really? Not since Shannon?” Buck sounds incredibly sad, and Eddie wants to tell him not to be because he’s had him, he’s had Buck in his life and he makes everything bearable. “I mean I know you and Ana were never good together but I thought maybe with Marisol?”
“Buck, we weren’t together long enough to get there.” Eddie takes a deep breath and dives in. “Besides, I have some of that already. With you.”
“What?” Buck leans back in his chair and holds Eddie’s gaze. “With me?”
“Of course with you, Buck. What we have here? You, me, Chris? That’s the ordinary bits, isn’t it?”
Buck looks at him like he can’t believe Eddie said what he said. “Yeah, it is,” he says quietly. “I just never thought you thought of it that way.”
“I’ve always thought of it that way. We’re really just missing the sleeping and the kissing.” He’s trying for a light tone but he’s not sure he’s succeeding.
“Yeah, if only we had those parts it’d be perfect. I could toss out the apps forever.” Buck’s grinning at him but it’s not reaching his eyes. Eddie knows Buck’s smiles and this is the one he uses when he’s trying to hide what he’s really feeling.
Eddie sighs and closes his eyes. He’s going to do it. He’s going to say his stupid idea, and it’s probably going to be terrible, but maybe a little wonderful too, and it’s definitely going to break him.
“We could,” Eddie says. “Have those other parts, I mean.”
“We could?” Buck is looking at him like he’s suggested they run naked through the streets.
“Why not? We’ve already got the dinners and dishes and laundry, why not the sleeping and kissing too?”
“So we just start sleeping together and kissing each other? Like totally normal besties do?”
“Don’t call us besties ever again.”
Eddie’s grumpy face breaks the tension and Buck laughs. “Oh, we’re besties forever. Get used to it,” and Eddie rolls his eyes at him.
“Seriously though, think about it. Why not? We slept in the same bed when we lived at your place, we’re used to that already. So really it’d just be the kissing. It doesn’t have to be weird, we’re comfortable with each other. I’m more comfortable with you than anyone else, so why not? We can be there for each other for the in between times.”
Buck looks like he’s actually considering it and Eddie is holding his breath, at least he’s not flat out saying it’s the dumbest idea that’s ever been spoken. “I do like napping with you,” Buck says as he stretches out his left leg to tap his foot against Eddie’s chair.
Eddie can feel his face heating up and his stomach swooping. They’ve never mentioned it out loud, the fact that every once in a while, when they come back to Eddie’s together after a shift and Chris is already at school, they nap together. They started doing it after Eddie moved back home and out of Buck’s loft when they thought it had been safe for him to be with Christopher. Eddie had missed sleeping beside Buck so badly he’d ached with it. He’d never slept so well, so free of the nightmares that have always plagued him, so one day when Buck went to fall onto the couch he’d said, ‘you can sleep in my room, you know.’ Buck had looked at him for an uncomfortably long time before softly saying, ‘okay.’ They never talk about it, and never plan it, but Eddie knows that he suggests Buck come over to the house on those after shift mornings more often than he should, but Buck always comes, and they keep doing it.
So, like he said, it really is just the kissing.
The totally normal kissing between friends.
As a comfort, a solace, for what they’re missing.
For what Buck is missing, and for what Eddie so desperately wants with Buck.
“Yeah, see,” Eddie says. “We’re already great nappers.” Buck smiles at him and Eddie reaches out and takes his hand. “So why don’t we do that first and you can think about the other thing.”
“Okay, sure.”
Eddie gets up and pulls Buck to his feet. He doesn’t let go of his hand as they walk down the hallway to his bedroom. They change out of the clothes they wore home from work and into more comfortable sweats. Buck ends up wearing a pair of Eddie’s because he finds that all of the ones he’s left there are in the laundry basket. He gives Eddie the side-eye when he looks in his drawer and finds it sweats-free. Eddie feigns ignorance but knows he’s blushing because there’s no way he’ll admit to Buck he wears them when he’s not there, that he loves that they’re slightly too long and so much softer than his own, and he definitely won’t admit out loud he does it because he misses Buck every minute he’s not there with him and Chris.
“It’s crazy how fast my sweats get dirty, isn’t it?” Buck grins at him over his shoulder as he digs through Eddie’s drawer for a pair of his. “It’s like they leap right out of my drawer and into the laundry basket.”
“Really crazy,” Eddie says seriously.
Buck pulls on a pair of Eddie’s sweats and stands there with his hands on his hips. “Admit it, you put them in the laundry basket just so I’ll think they’re dirty and I have to look like an ass in yours.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Buck waves his hands at his feet and ankles that are sticking out of Eddie’s sweats. They’re just short enough to look adorably dorky. Eddie’s not going to focus on how they pull just a bit too tightly across Buck’s ridiculous thighs though.
“You know you can solve that problem by wearing a pair of shorts instead, right?”
“I’m cold!”
“My bed does have blankets, in case you were wondering.”
“Fuck you,” Buck huffs as he crawls into bed. Eddie laughs and crawls in after him. He scoots to the center of the bed until he’s as close to Buck as he can be without touching him. Buck has turned his back to Eddie in a pout so Eddie reaches out and scratches at the center of his back until Buck loudly sighs and reaches back to grab Eddie’s hand and pull it around his waist. Eddie quietly laughs again and scoots even closer so he’s the big spoon to Buck’s little spoon. He tangles his fingers with Buck’s where they rest against his flat stomach and closes his eyes.
He can do this. He can have this with Buck even though it means so so much more to him than it does to Buck.
~*~
Eddie wakes up to a brush of lips against his mouth. It’s barely there and he’s not quite sure if he’s still half asleep and lost in the tail-end of a dream, but he feels it again and he opens his eyes. Buck’s face is inches from his and he’s staring at him, tentative and a bit wide-eyed.
“Did you just kiss me?”
“I did.”
“So you’ve thought about it and decided on the side of kissing?”
“I did.”
Buck’s softly smiling at him and Eddie wants to kiss him back.
“So how was the first kiss? Was it awkward?”
“No, it was nice.”
“Nice, huh?”
“Really nice?”
Eddie laughs quietly and gives a gentle shove to Buck’s shoulder.
“Should we try another? I mean I know I’d appreciate being fully awake for one.”
“Ha ha,” Buck says but he leans in close, his lips hovering over Eddie’s. He looks up into Eddie’s eyes like he’s asking for permission. Instead of saying anything Eddie closes the distance and presses his lips to Buck’s. It’s soft, barely there, and over too soon, but it’s perfect. Just like Buck. “Was that okay?” he asks and when Eddie nods because he really can’t say anything right now, Buck leans in for another, lays his hand on the curve of Eddie’s jaw and draws him in for a kiss.
This one lingers. It lingers and lingers and lingers. It lingers right into another one and another one after that. Soft, sweet warmth is rushing through Eddie’s body and he feels—
He feels.
All the love he has for Buck, for this life they’ve built, it fills him up. The kisses are slow and unhurried and Eddie settles down into them, the love sinking into him to his core as he thinks, if only, if only, if only.
He’s not sure how long they kiss, they’re lazy and gentle and Buck’s skin is sleep warm where Eddie holds him, his hand slipped up underneath the back of Buck’s t-shirt. The kisses are perfect, the kind that aren’t going anywhere, just kissing for the pleasure of it, of the feeling of safety and a beautiful sort of calm.
And god, Eddie loves. He loves and he loves.
Buck laughs against Eddie’s lips when his stomach growls loudly. Eddie opens his eyes and chases Buck’s lips for one last brush of a kiss before he pulls away and quietly laughs too.
“I guess it’s time for lunch?”
“Sorry.” Buck laughs again.
Eddie runs his hand through Buck’s hair. “No worries. Let’s go make something to eat.”
“Yeah, okay,” Buck says as he slowly rolls away from Eddie and out of the bed. “I can make us some sandwiches.”
“Sounds great.”
Eddie watches Buck walk away and wishes it could always be just like this.
When he joins Buck out in the kitchen he can’t stop himself from running his hand along the small of Buck’s back as he passes behind him. Buck’s making their sandwiches and he looks over his shoulder at the touch and smiles softly at Eddie.
“It wasn’t weird for you?” Eddie asks.
Buck turns back to the sandwiches, he’s not looking at Eddie anymore but he shakes his head and says, “No, not weird.”
“We’re good?”
“Of course we are, Eds.”
Eddie pulls some plates out of the cupboard. “You wanna keep doing it?”
Buck stops making the sandwiches but his gaze stays fixed on them when he quietly answers, “Yeah, I do.”
Eddie’s stomach flutters and he smiles to himself, he’s fucking ecstatic at the answer but he doesn’t want to sound like he is so he tries to make his voice sound as normal as possible when he says, “Me too.”
“Good. Good.” Buck nods and goes back to the sandwiches. “Good.”
They eat and spend the rest of the afternoon doing laundry and playing cards until they can go pick Chris up at school.
Everyday. Eddie wants this every single day.
~*~
The thing is, nothing really changes much in the grand scheme of things. They go to work, they hang out with Chris, some days Buck goes home to his loft, some days he doesn’t, and it’s all just— normal.
Except they kiss.
Almost constantly when they have some time alone. After Chris goes to bed Eddie will find himself pressed between the back of the couch and Buck, their legs tangled. There’s barely room for both of them, but he loves it. Buck so big and wrapped around him and he’s safe. He’s never been made to feel safe like that before and his heart is beating steady and sure and it belongs to Buck so completely. After work, if they have the house to themselves it’s long stretches of time lost to each other’s mouths; Eddie settled on Buck’s lap, Buck’s arms holding him tight. Late at night on an overnight shift when everyone is asleep and Eddie finds Buck in the kitchen baking muffins because he can’t sleep there are blueberry flavored kisses, one after another after another until they’re flushed and stupidly giddy. At the grocery store after an argument about cereal when Eddie gives in and Buck leans in to press kisses to his cheek, his jaw, the corner of his mouth as he whispers, ‘I know you let me win,’ and it sort of sounds like, ‘I know how much you love me.’
And Eddie does.
He’s so hopelessly in love.
He wants what they have forever. But he knows it’ll end sometime, either Buck will find someone to love, or Eddie’s heart will break when Buck takes his face in his hands so gently, like Eddie is fragile, and kisses him like he sometimes does when they’ve had a bad day at work or Eddie’s had an overwhelming therapy session. Buck will kiss him and absolutely shatter him to pieces and it’ll have to end.
But for now he loves, with every beat of his heart, and he takes everything he can no matter how selfish it makes him.
And then one day, a few months into whatever it is he and Buck are doing, Christopher casually throws out in the middle of dinner, “Buck, why don’t you just move in with us?”
Eddie nearly chokes on his potatoes and Buck splutters and they both look at each other with wide-eyes.
“Why would you ask that, bud?” Eddie asks at the same time Buck says, “There’s not enough room.” Like he would if there were a third bedroom and that was the only obstacle.
“There’s enough room,” Chris says to Buck instead of answering Eddie’s question.
“I love your couch but I don’t really want to sleep on it every night,” Buck tells him.
Chris looks at him like he’s an idiot. “Why would you be sleeping on the couch? Unless you and Dad got in a fight or something.”
“Well where else would I sleep? Or do you wanna get bunk beds for your room?” Buck teases.
“Buck,” Chris draws out, clearly annoyed now. “You’d be in Dad’s room. He can listen to you snore, not me.”
“Your dad’s— I.” Buck’s faltering and Eddie can’t make himself say anything at all. “Why would I be sleeping there?” Buck asks.
Chris’ face changes then, from annoyed to confused and worried, like maybe he’s said something wrong. “Why wouldn’t you? Aren’t you together now? You’re always kissing and you’re over here a lot more than you used to be. Dad’s way happier than he was when you weren’t here. I thought you were together.” Chris sounds disappointed, more than disappointed - heartbroken, actually - and Eddie wants to hug him even though he knows Chris is firmly in the, ‘no hugs, Dad,’ stage. “I thought it finally happened.”
I thought it finally happened. Like he’s been waiting, wanting it, just like Eddie has and Eddie wants to say, ‘me too, buddy, me too. I’m so sorry I couldn't make it happen.’
“You saw us kissing?” Buck asks and Chris nods.
Eddie finally opens his mouth. “I’m sorry, Chris. We’re not together. We’re just friends.”
“Yeah, just friends.” Buck looks pained, his voice sort of far-away and Eddie knows how much he hates disappointing Chris.
“But you were kissing the other day, when you were making lunch,” Chris insists.
Eddie sighs and rubs his hands over his face. How does he fucking explain that to Chris? Before he can stumble his way through a mess of an answer Buck comes in and tells him the truth, like he always does, he never talks down to Chris, and Eddie loves him so much.
“You know I broke up with Natalia a few months ago?” Buck asks, and Chris nods. “Well I told your dad how much I miss having someone to hang out with and to kiss because I get lonely sometimes and because your dad’s the best person in the whole world he said he’d hang out with me.”
“And kiss you?” Chris is clearly skeptical, he’s not stupid.
“Yeah, that too.”
“But friends don’t kiss.”
“Sure they do, I kiss my friends all the time. Just ask Chim, he says I slobber.”
“Yeah, like on the cheek or something, not like how I saw you kissing Dad. That was the gross kissing.”
Buck snorts at that and Eddie laughs too because thank god Chris is still at the ‘gross kissing’ age, Eddie knows those days are numbered and he wants to enjoy them. It also cuts the tension of the moment.
“You can gross kiss your friends,” Buck grins at Chris who still gives him a side-eye. Buck sighs and tries again. “You kiss people who you love,” he says. “And I love—” Eddie’s breath gets caught in his throat and he looks at Buck who is looking right back at him. “I love your dad. He’s my best friend.” Buck breaks eye contact with Eddie to look back at Chris. “You love your friends, right?”
“Yeah,” Chris says quietly. “So you’re just friends.”
“We’re just friends,” Buck confirms. “Just like your dad said.”
Eddie swallows, yeah, he did say that, and that’s what they are, what they’ll always be.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie tells Chris, and he’s not sure if he isn’t saying it to himself also. Chris is looking at him like he wishes Eddie had said something different and all Eddie can do is reach out and give his shoulder a squeeze and meet his sad eyes. “How about some dessert?”
“I made those caramel brownies you like,” Buck says.
“Sure.” Chris tries for a smile. “Sounds good, Buck.”
Buck gets up and cuts them all giant brownies and Eddie doesn’t comment about their size because he figures they could all use a sugar infusion.
The rest of the evening is subdued. Eddie makes Chris’ lunch and halfway preps a meal for the next night while Buck helps him with his homework. Chris passes on a movie and asks to go play video games in his room. Eddie lets him, he’s not going to say no to him tonight. Once he’s in his room Eddie heads back into the kitchen to help Buck with the dishes.
Eddie pushes Buck away from the sink and hands him a dishcloth for drying. He takes over the washing. He has no idea why they ever started washing dishes themselves, Eddie has a perfectly good dishwasher, but he’s always found washing dishes calming. Maybe he told Buck that once and Buck suggested they start washing dishes, it’s something he’d do even though he hates it himself. He stands quietly next to Eddie and dries each dish he hands over to him.
Buck doesn’t say anything, just puts the dishes and glasses and silverware away when he finishes drying them. Eddie focuses on the warm sudsy water. The window above the sink is cracked open and he can hear a lawn mower running somewhere down the street. The evening’s conversation hovers over them. Looming. He wants to say something because he has a horrible suspicion about what Buck’s going to say. He can tell he’s deep in thought, he always chews his bottom lip when he’s thinking and Eddie wants him to stop it, please stop, because he knows this is all going to end tonight. Buck’s going to tell them they need to stop and Eddie will let him. What else can he do?
But as he stands in his quiet kitchen with Buck, the early evening light so luminous and warm, he feels Buck’s hand settle gently at the center of his back as Buck reaches around Eddie to put a dish in the cupboard to his right he decides he can't let this go. He’s not going to. He’s going to be brave, more brave than he thinks he’s ever been because he has so much to lose; this precious, beautiful life with Buck. His love.
“Buck—”
He hears Buck draw in a shaky breath beside him before he rushes in to speak over him. “Eddie, I know,” he says. “I know. Please don’t say it. I can’t— I can’t stand to hear you say it.”
It’s like Buck punches him in the center of his chest. The pain is unbearable. He knows. He knows what Eddie was going to say and he doesn’t want to hear it.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I won’t say it. I won’t—”
“Because I lied,” Buck interrupts. “I lied to Christopher and I swore I’d never lie to him, but I did, and I can’t lie to you too. I can’t. Please don’t make me.”
“You lied?”
“Eddie—”
Buck sounds broken, his voice is choked, and Eddie can’t take it. He reaches out and grabs onto his hand. Buck tries to pull away but Eddie won’t let him.
“Eddie, don’t.”
Eddie pulls him closer, runs his free hand through Buck’s hair then holds the curve of his jaw. He knows now, the way Buck looks, the aching sadness in his voice, and how he’s told him he lied. He knows he’s gotten it wrong, what Buck said at first, he didn’t tell him not to say anything because he didn’t want to hear Eddie tell him he loves him, he told him not to say anything because he doesn’t want to hear Eddie tell him they have to stop. Eddie’s going to say what he was planning to, and he needs Buck to hear it.
“I lied too,” Eddie says. “I’ve been lying to you this whole time and I’m sorry, Buck. I’m so fucking sorry and I hope you’ll forgive me. I was scared, and I think you were too.” Buck closes his eyes and turns his face into Eddie’s hand, kisses the inside of his wrist, and Eddie’s heart sings because he’s certain now. He’s so fucking certain. “I love you, Buck. I’m in love with you, and I’ve been in love with you for years. I did all of this because I wanted you so badly, anyway I could have you. But now I think maybe? Maybe I can?”
Buck grabs Eddie’s wrist and steps closer until he can rest his forehead against Eddie’s. “You’ve always had me, Eds.”
Eddie presses a kiss to Buck’s cheek and then his lips. He wants to be absolutely sure, wants to hear Buck say it too. “What didn’t you want me to say?” he asks as he runs his thumb along Buck’s bottom lip.
“I didn’t want you to say we had to stop.” Buck wraps his arms around Eddie and pulls him into a tight hug. “Because I never want to stop kissing you,” he whispers.
“Good,” Eddie says against Buck’s lips. “Because I never want you to stop.”
Buck kisses him then and all Eddie can think is that they never will stop. He has Buck forever and he’ll be kissing him for the rest of their lives. He loves him so fucking much.
“I love you too, by the way,” Buck says between kisses. “Just thought I should add that.”
“I think I picked up on that.” Buck smiles and laughs and Eddie takes his face in his hands and kisses him with all of the love he has inside him.
“Oh come on,” Chris’ voice breaks up their kiss. He’s standing in the doorway and giving them both an exasperated look. “That was not a friend gross kiss, that was a boyfriend gross kiss. You two are being really dumb.”
Buck and Eddie watch him huff and stomp off then they turn to each other and burst out laughing.
“Well,” Buck says. “He’s not wrong.”
“He is not.” Eddie smiles.
Buck takes Eddie’s hand in his and holds it between their chests. “Promise you’ll gross kiss me for the rest of our lives.”
“I promise.” Eddie laughs.
And he thinks he might just have that engraved on their wedding rings.