Chapter Text
The ride back was long but Erik barely noticed, it was made in a daze with his headphones in and music on high. He made the exchanges on pure muscle memory. He didn’t even notice he’d gotten back to the castle until he walked through the backgates and was walking through the garden. His head hurt and the hallway lights were too bright. He was exhausted, once he got to his room he sat down on the window sill leaning his head against the cool glass. In that moment Rapunzle crossed his mind, he couldn’t help but relate to her. She’d left her tower and gotten a taste of freedom, of what she could have had only to be dragged back pretty much against her own will. Erik hadn’t been dragged back physically but his duties to his people had dragged him back. They had a chain around his neck controlling his every move. It was a bit ironic that Erik's room was placed in one of the towers.
The first time he’d left the castle and snuck into the city he’d been 16, his mother had been furious with him when he got back but he didn’t care. There were many things that had amazed him with that first outing but the one thing that had stuck with him was the fact that no one ever recognized him. He’d spent weeks wondering why no one did and in the end he did extensive research as to why. What he thought would make no sense at all did in fact make a good amount of sense. What he found was that when things didn’t look the way people expected them to, they didn’t notice them or didn’t pay attention to them. For example if one were to look for a celebrity who was known for their over the top outfits they were less likely to be recognized when they were out and about in ‘normal’ clothes. It was simple if he went out with a bunch of bodyguards and in fancy clothes then that was what people expected of him and therefore he would be recognized a lot more than if he went out alone wearing day to day clothes. When Erik had realised that he had stopped wearing all black outfits and hoods as well as sunglasses and all of that jazz and began opting for just a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and/or hoodie depending on the weather. It was the best way to avoid unwanted attention.
The glass was cold against his forehead and he felt a bit nauseous. His hands were shaking and his breathing was staring at the quicken. He recognized the signs and closed his eyes focusing on the music blasting in his ears and on evening his breath. He knew what was causing this. It was the fact that Archie had given his number. He didn’t know what to do with it or how to proceed and Malin wasn’t there so he couldn’t ask her. Her shift had ended hours ago. She was HIS best friend but he couldn’t help but feel like he wasn’t hers. She was paid to put up with him and sometimes when his mind was strong enough he couldn’t help but feel like she didn’t actually like him. He knew that was bullshit, he knew she loved him like the brother she never had. They had grown up together after all but that didn’t change the fact that the voices in his head could be awfully loud at times. That was the reason it felt wrong to call her when she was off duty; he didn't want her to have to put up with him off the clock too. She deserved some free time, time away from him. He knew deep down that reasoning was stupid and that the woman would gladly talk to him but even so that logic rarely came in his moment of need. It was often he didn’t reach out to her after she had gone home because of it. He knew that if she knew about it she would knock the sense into him yet he couldn’t bring himself to call. The voices, that sounded an awful lot like his mother, were too loud. Instead he typed in the number on the note in his hand. Archie had actually liked him for being him. He didn’t know about the crown or his money or because he had to, he simply enjoyed his company so he dialled the number. Three tones could be heard before someone picked up just as Erik's anxiety was about to get the best of him and he hung up. He was glad he didn’t because the voice on the other side belonged to and exited Archie who had been hoping he’d text. Though he was quick to reassure him that calling was also fine. Erik felt the stone walls around his heart crack slightly as Archie spoke excitedly telling him about his day and a bunch of other stuff. Erik barely got a word in and that was fine. He didn’t really feel like talking but at the same time he didn’t wanna be alone so this was perfect. Archie spoke and Erik listened while walking through the garden. It was cold and the sun had gone down but Erik didn’t care. He had too much nervous energy to sit still and he was wearing a thick jacket and warm shoes so it didn’t bother him that much. The cold still bit at his cheeks and nose but his hands and feet were warm even though the chilled wind went right through his jeans making his thighs feel numb. He shuttered at a particularly strong wind and reached for his phone where it was safely tucked away in his pocket to check the time.
They’d been talking for two hours. How? Erik didn’t know but he had to go back inside. He had a meeting with Percy over teams in about 30 minutes and he had to get ready for that. He told Archie as much when he got the chance to get a word in. He sounded disappointed and made Erik promise to call him the next day and Erik agreed. They continued to talk as Erik got ready and only hung up when there was less than five minutes left until the meeting began. After they hung up the silence was ringing in his ears, it was too quiet. Erik hated it. He longed for Archie to have stayed but he knew that wasn’t possible. Erik hated silence. It gave his mind the chance to conjure up realities he feared would become true as well as voices which only ever told him the truth about his existence he didn’t like it. He wanted nothing to do with it and the only way to keep his mind under wraps was to distract it. Making it too busy to have time to do anything else.
When he joined the meeting Percy was already there. He grinned when he heard Erik join and put his phone down.
“Well hello crown prince” He was still grinning and had a mischievous glint in his eyes. His fluffy bright pink sweater matched his bright pink hair. He wondered briefly how he had managed to find a shirt that matched the shade of his hair almost perfectly. Smiling slightly he answered;
“Hey Percy, you good? Love the new hair looks great” If possible the others grin widened even more.
“Why thank you, your majesty!” That actually managed to get Erik to laugh as Percy made a theatrical bow almost hitting his head on the table. Percy had always been theatric, making over exaggerated gestures and playing around. Erik loved him for it because he almost always managed to get him to smile but it also made the fact that he was respected by a bunch of boring old men all the more impressive. He didn’t know how he managed to keep from being his usual self with them. “I’m very well, how are you yourself?” Erik sighed letting his laughter die.
“I’m fine, I’ve made a friend so I have that going for me I guess. Before you ask, his name is Archie and he already has a boyfriend. Also no you don’t know him, he's just a normal person who works at a store I was visiting and we talked and hit it off, he gave me his number and we talked just before this.” Percy looked surprised at that but was still grinning. Erik didn’t know why but he was nervous to admit that, maybe it was that he was scared that the other would disapprove of his choice in friends but Percy just continued smiling.
“That's great Erik!” He exclaimed clapping his hands excitedly even if it was rapid, it was a short enough distance to make sure it made no noise, squealing ever so slightly but when Erik later teased him about it he would deny it. The meeting continued and went well. Everything was going suspiciously well. It made Erik feel uneasy even so He decided to extend the invite for Percy to spend Christmas and New Years with them at Drottningholm. Percy said he would see what he could do about it.
When the meeting was over Erik felt almost empty. He just lay in bed staring at the ceiling, his mind wandering, he couldn’t think straight nor could one thought hold his attention for more than a second. His mind was running a mile a minute and he couldn’t keep up. His eyes strayed from the ceiling to the small little heart shaped box laying on one of his shelves. It looked so innocent laying there, it was small and baby pink. If you were to open it you’d find a ball of cotton covering the bottom and otherwise it would look empty. Erik knew that if you were to take the piece of marker dyed cotton out you’d find two small blades, knives he didn’t really know what to call them. He’d unscrewed them from a pencil sharpener, they were the reason he no longer kept any pencil sharpeners in his room, he didn’t trust himself with them. He knew he should get rid of the contents of the little box especially before anyone found them or he relapsed again but he didn’t have the heart to. In some sick and twisted way he was attached to them, they had hurt him yes but they had also been there to help him when his thoughts were too loud. He couldn’t just get rid of them. It would be like getting rid of, he didn’t know he just couldn’t. Even the thought of it made his heart race. Maybe it was because then he’d feel out of control or better put like he had no way of keeping control. It was almost like keeping them were a way to say “if you fuck up they’ll be there to punish you” It was a fucked up way to think and he knew that but even so he didn’t know how to change it.
He wanted to change it but he couldn’t really tell his parents about it. They wouldn’t believe him or (what Erik feared the most) they wouldn’t care. He didn’t have friends well aside from Malin and Archie but he didn’t wanna burden Malin he was already bad as it was and Archie didn’t know WHO he was so that was also out of the question. He could in theory tell Philip but their relationship was just starting to bloom again and he didn’t want to ruin that. So he kept silent and dealt with it on his own. He’d managed so far.