Chapter Text
Sometimes she would catch herself disassociating mid battle, missing her hits and spells. She had been a bit preoccupied lately, with all the thoughts in the world about her predicament, and no time at all to just sit down and process her feelings with someone. Tav had pushed them on further into their journey at an overwhelming pace, trying to rush to Baldur's Gate, but it was clear that rest was needed for the rest of the party members - their spells spluttered at their fingertips and their strength had waned. With reluctance, Tav ordered for all of them to make camp, to rest for a couple days before setting off.
"Shadowheart."
Steely eyes looked at her, betraying no emotions.
"Yes Lae'zel." A tired murmur back. Shadowheart had no strength left to fight back - her body was exhausted from just carrying the weight of her torso on her legs.
"You seem different lately. There used to be this energy about you, you had the anger of a kaoulgrim and the spite of a spurned lover. But now you are empty and hollow, devoid of spirit. What is the matter?"
"Thank you, Lae'zel." Green eyes met yellow eyes. "I suppose I have been thinking a lot about the people around here and myself. It seems like there's a lot of questions about me that I don't have the answers to because..."
She gestured around.
"Speak your mind."
"I'd rather talk about something else. Something to distract me."
Lae'zel hummed. "Very well. I will show you my favourite spot."
The temperature cooled as they left the camp, the sky cycling from a bright orange to a deep purple. Ducking under some branches, they arrived at a small clearing, where new born saplings have taken root. Thick with tranquillity, a soft breeze carried the scent of pine. The ground beneath was adorned with a lush carpet of grass, and as they looked up, the canopy above framed a canvas of the evening sky, revealing stars slowly coming to life. It was an intimate haven, cradled by nature's embrace, where time slowed and the worries faded away.
"Oh! Oh."
The scene before her was beautiful. Casting its silvery glow, the moon, a radiant orb, shone down upon the landscape, turning the flowers into ethereal blooms that shimmered in the darkness. Fireflies danced in the air, their soft luminescence bustling away, scurrying around the plants. The change in landscape almost took her away from her thoughts, but Lae'zel was here to remind her of this aching feeling behind her heart.
They sat next beside each other, with Shadowheart conscious of just how close they were. Was this distance appropriate for just allies? Were they just allies? Did she want them to just be allies?
"I've never liked this plane. The gravity is burdensome, the season is ever changing. There is nothing still enough to compare to my home plane." She looked up at the sky, through the dappled leaves.
"Next time you're able, when the moon traverses the sky, the tears follow behind it. Rocky bodies tumbling through the sea of night. One of them is my creche. Boundless. Timeless. Like every dream there ever was, stitched together. That is my home. The Tears of Selune."
Shadowheart did not reply. Looking up, she watched the number of stars increase as the night turned darker. A woven tapestry of constellations overhead, telling stories etched in the cosmic expanse.
"Did your creche allow same sex pairings?" Words fell out of her mouth before she could even consider what she had said.
Lae'zel regarded her with curiosity.
"Our creche focussed on winning wars and conquering battlefields. What we did on our own time was up to us. Procreating is a strict process in Githyanki culture, only a few could breed in the Astral Plane, and when the eggs are produced, the varsh must plan for a time to deposit them to the creches where time can move."
She paused.
"Sex is just a physical activity, where we satisfy our hormones in order to concentrate on the greater task ahead. The ghaiks." She hissed. "It matters not whether you sleep with a man or a woman. It matters that you are battle ready and sharp of mind."
“So you have slept with a woman?”
The two regarded each other. There was a strange tension in the air; they were both on a tightrope. If one of them stepped out of line or moved too quickly, the whole thing would become too unbalanced, and the rope would snap.
“Of course. I am no stranger to a woman’s body. Speak your mind.”
Shadowheart swallowed. Yes, she knew what she had alluded to, but she couldn’t physically say it. The wound was too fresh, too raw. They sat in silence for a moment, Lae’zel patiently waiting for an explanation to the rather abrupt question.
“How was it? Compared to a man?” Her voice sounded so timid.
“They were fiercer and could tolerate more pain.” The statement was said simply, like it was a matter of fact. “Why do you wish to know?”
Oh.
Flushed with a rosy hue, Shadowheart felt subtle warmth that crept across her features. Flashes of images spun past her brain, imagining Lae’zel over her, under her, on her. All these positions, and all of them felt good. Feeling like a shy schoolgirl, she looked away, trying to distract herself with trees and plants.
“I don’t know. I just, I suppose I’ve been thinking about things recently.”
A vague non answer that revealed too much for Shadowheart’s liking.
“Speak directly, or don’t ask at all.”
“Have you always known that you enjoy the company of both sexes?”
“I have. Most of my kin do, only a few have strict tastes in bodies.”
“I see.”
It was a comfortable silence. Being with Lae’zel, although quiet, was oddly reassuring. She was direct and to the point, unwilling to hide behind doublespeak and half truths. Each pause felt like a gentle caress, a silent affirmation that in that shared stillness.
“I’m sorry.” She mumbled out, a small eruption of emotions spilled out of her chest, and she could suddenly feel tears pricking at her eyes.
“I think. I knew about what Tav did to you.”
Lae’zel shifted.
“Okay.” The word fell simply.
“He was awful. He was only sorry because he was caught. I genuinely thought for a moment that you were the problem. I didn’t understand why I felt like this, this obsession with you and Tav.”
“It’s so stupid. I defaulted to thinking that I was in love with Tav. I mean, it makes sense right? The way we met each other, the way that everyone else was also in love with him. When that thing happened, I thought surely I’d be happy. There was finally space in his life for me.”
“And yes, I really, really wanted to like him. I thought I liked him. I thought it was my chance - I mean it was a perfect chance, to stick it to you and to have him. But you should’ve been safe, why would I want him if he hurt you first?”
Was she making any sense? The words tumbled out of her, an overdue volcano.
“But it turned out, I was never thinking of Tav - I -'', Her hands shook, the words coated with plea. “I was thinking about you, Lae’zel. This whole time.”
Deafening silence.
“I thought I was thinking about him. But it was your smile I dreamt of, your lips I wanted to kiss. I envied your hair, the way you laughed, the stupid way you wrinkle your nose when something isn’t up to your standards. Fuck, Lae’zel. I thought I wanted to be you for a quick moment. I didn’t think the alternative was even a possibility.”
She sniffed, catching her breath.
“You were right. Tav is not a good man. I slept with him, yes, but I could not have gone through the whole process without thinking about you.”
“You don’t have to react. It’s a lot to take in. I’ve been thinking about this for ages, I mean, Shar has been telling me this whole time to stop pining for you, but,”
She looked at her hand. It pulsated faintly, but it was already a familiar sensation.
“I don’t know. I think I deserve this. And to think we were just about to get along with each other.”
Did Shadowheart even have the stomach for an honest reply? Not really. A blush crept up to her face, the tips of her ears pink. Swinging her legs around, she slid off the rock she was sitting on, ready to squirrel away after that bombshell of a confession.
“No. Stay.”
Barely a whisper of a reply.
“I understand. For a while I was also under his manipulations, and it took me a while to see past his petty circus tricks and illusions. He ran hot and cold, one moment he would be upon you, intense like the fire of a blacksmith. The next, you were not even registered in his vision, ignored and casted aside like a feeble orphan. I was fooled, and you too were fooled.”
Lae’zel pointed her head at the space next to her.
“Come, sit. Back in my home plane, I would have gutted you for your transgressions. But I appreciate the honesty, and I am too tired to squabble over a man that did not treat me correctly.”
Seated side by side, an undeniable tension permeates the air. Both individuals, avoiding eye contact, facing forward with a palpable awkwardness.
“I have noticed that you look at me through lidded eyes. I would be lying if I said I have not considered the possibility.”
Now it was Shadowheart’s turn to react with shocked silence. If it was Tav, her stomach would have dropped. But with Lae’zel - Anticipation bubbled within, an exhilarating energy that danced through the veins. The fluttering in the stomach, the quickened heartbeat; each sensation spoke of excitement.
“But you said you are new to a woman’s body. Let me guide you through it.”
Turning her head, the two made eye contact. Relaxed yellow eyes met tense green-grey ones, and Lae’zel suddenly pulled in closer, breaking that invisible boundary reserved for lovers. The familiar scent washed over Shadowheart. This - This felt so right. Nothing had happened yet, but from the way that her body was humming, she could have kicked herself for not realising what she wanted sooner.
Gentle hands tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ears. In one fluid motion, the hand went from over the ear to under the jaw, and Shadowheart’s face was suddenly in Lae’zel’s palm. Every second that passed felt unbearably slow, yet exceedingly quick. The tension made Shadowheart’s body crackle with electricity, brimming with anticipation.
Suddenly, lips met lips.
The first one was quick and chaste, like two people testing the waters. Soft lips touched each other, and Lae’zel pulled back, immediately scanning for Shadowheart’s reaction. Upon seeing her closed eyes, she closed in again, the kiss a little firmer, a little more passion, and Shadowheart sunk into her, melting in her embrace.
The world stopped. Leaves stopped moving, the wind stopped blowing. Starry lights remained stagnant, and for a brief moment, Shadowheart wanted this to stretch into eternities. She would put the whole tadpole fiasco on hold for five more minutes of this. Two people holding each other until the sun burns out.
“Mm.” Shadowheart moaned involuntarily. She didn’t think that could happen to her. The night with Tav was basically soundless until she had remembered that sex often did not happen in silence. Was everything simply brighter and more captivating with a woman?
The cleric took the Githyanki’s hand, feeling the supple flesh underneath her fingers. It had felt exactly as she had imagined, the soft hands bore the quiet testimony of labour and resilience. Nestled within her palms were the subtle remnants of calluses, tender markers etched on the skin by days of hard work on the battlefield.
“This feels - This feels right.”
She had pulled away, slightly breathless.
“Why didn’t we do this sooner? You are so much better than Tav.”
Although Lae’zel’s expression did not change, Shadowheart could tell that she was pleased with the comment.
“Your scent is captivating, Shadowheart. The salt on your back smells sweet, and the iron in your blood is so fiery that it can only be compared to a red dragon’s breath. One night I will claim you, but not tonight.”
The warmth between them dissipated into the night as Lae’zel stood up, preparing to leave. Shadowheart didn’t even have the brain to register that last comment, her mind was already captivated by what just occurred.
“The camp will wonder where we have gone for some time. We must rest up to regain our energy, but we will meet again, with the same amount of privacy.”
She paused.
“I do not enjoy public displays of affection. Do not let our connection be known. Know that for now I am connected to you, and that you are connected to me. If you dare cross me again for the third time,”
Lae’zel looked coolly at Shadowheart.
“I will have no mercy. You will wake up dead.”
The cleric nodded, feeling slightly intimidated and aroused.
“Have a good night, Lae’zel.”
“I already did.”
A new day, a new secret. Her hand was agony now, and Tav approached her, nice and cool.
“Shadowheart.” He smiled.
She smiled back, eyes wandering to catch Lae’zel's stare.
“We’ve been so busy adventuring that we haven’t had time for each other. I’ve planned for us to go have a swim in the ocean, do you want to come?”
Well, this was stupid. She doesn’t know how to swim. She’s also fairly certain that she has mentioned that several times, over the course of many one to one conversations with him. Does he just strike up conversations for the sake of talking? Why bother trying to get to know someone if it passes through one ear and out of the other?
Taking a deep breath, she gave a last glance at Lae’zel before turning to Tav.
“You’ve changed in my eyes, Tav. I’m not sure what happened, but whatever I had felt, I do not feel now.”
The camp fell silent. She could feel the stares from Astarion and Gale.
“You ask all these questions about me, but you bring me gifts celebrating the moon and flowers I don’t like. I wonder if you actually even like me, or if you just feel the need to have company at all times?”
His face burned red.
“I really fell for you, you know? But I can’t be at such odds with you and be your lover. Not anymore.”
Shocked faces fell across camp. All shocked aside from Lae’zel’s who looked strangely proud.
With her heart beating against her chest, she promptly stood up, and left back to her tent. Was it embarrassing? Yes. Even if she was doing the dumping, the wound still felt raw. Having an audience did not help either - ideally she should have just swallowed back her pride, taken him aside and let him down gently - but would he have given the same grace back if it was flipped the other way round? Unlikely.
The evening passed slowly as she sat with her awkwardness. Her adrenaline was still high, and she stewed by herself, feeling the rush roll down her shoulders.
A shadow appeared in front of her tent.
“Tav, I don’t want to hear your excuses -”
“It’s me.”
“Oh!”
The tent flap opened, revealing a blotchy eyed cleric. Strands of her hair were falling out of her tie, and grey eyes peered from under a jagged fringe.
“Do you need a distraction?” Lae’zel tilted her head, gesturing for Shadowheart to come outside. “I find that physical activity helps with moving on.”
She sniffed, and slowly got up, accepting the offered hand.
Another night time walk. Shadowheart could get used to this.
They reached another clearing, a large expanse of grass under the setting sun.
“Here.” Lae’zel handed her a blade. “Take your anger out on me.”
“What?”
“Don’t worry, I will have a blade too.”
“I… I don’t want to fight you?”
“This is what we did in the Creche. Any negative feeling can be beaten out by slaying your enemy, or by simulating it. We cannot kill Tav, so you can take it out on me instead. You are a phenomenal healer, but a poor warrior. I will be fine.”
Shadowheart took the blade. Unsure, she swung a half hearted arc into Lae’zel's side, only for that to be swiftly deflected away.
Ping!
“Again.” She held her stance, eyes steely. “Close your eyes. Pretend I am Tav.”
Fine. With eyes closed, she swung again, a little more firmly. In her mind’s eye, she could see him, the same floppy hair, the same cheesy grin. A flash of anger burst through her as her sword sliced the air, slamming against steel.
“Again.”
“I don’t want to hurt y- “
“Again.”
Shadowheart hesitated. A deep breath. She steadied her hand in the air, before moving the blade in the air, the full force of her muscles coming into play. It was no longer Tav she thought about, just pure unadulterated rage at the state of the world. She resented the pain in her hand, so she swung. She resented not having her childhood memories, the most fundamental parts of her developing age, so she swung. She hated the fact that she was doing this stupid quest and had a stupid tadpole in her eye, so she swung.
It built up - she hadn’t realised how much she had been oppressing her own feelings. Unseen emotions stirred within her, a tempest of unresolved sentiments demanding recognition. Air crackled with growing intensity as each slash, parry and lunge was met with a firm block. Shadowheart cried out loud everytime the metal rang and reverberated, each vocalisation a cathartic release. Tired, she moved erratically, each action more violent than the previous. Her body was sweating profusely, her hair clinging to her forehead.
Lae’zel watched with patient eyes, taking every blow with a stable hand. It was only a couple moons ago that she had felt the same torment. She understood.
“I -”
It was a weak hit, even by Shadowheart’s standards. The sword was held against Lae’zel’s, their faces inches from each other, their shoulders practically touching. She could feel Lae’zel’s staggered breath on her. The tension held for two seconds, the electricity crackling between their eyes before Shadowheart collapsed, dropping her sword. Falling forwards into warm arms, she sobbed. The first time she allowed herself to properly release. There were a lot of confusing feelings - it all stirred into a strange cauldron of uncomfort for Shadowheart. Ignoring it was easy enough, she could have left the vile mixture to stew and rot for the rest of eternity, but now that she had to face them and process each one, one by one? It overwhelmed her.
The Githyanki held on to her, wrapping her arms around the trembling body. Admittedly, Lae’zel was unused to this display of blatant emotions, but Lae’zel was unused to most things in this realm. She allowed Shadowheart time, waiting patiently for the cleric to speak.
“I’m sorry.” A quiet voice.
“Did that make you feel better?”
A small nod.
“Here. Let’s sit.”
They shuffled quietly to sit on a grassy ledge on a hill, looking outwards at the stars.
“I said that I never liked this plane. That was untrue.” Her yellow eyes softened under the moonlight. “My home plane was mechanical and unforgiving. It was almost lonely sometimes. We were pitted against each other in competition, not allowing any bonds to remain true. We fought in squads, yes, but we fought in silence. We were there to follow commands, not to make friends nor allies. To be frank, any other gith in my place would have gutted you from first sight.”
Shadowheart leaned her head on Lae’zel’s shoulder, intertwining her fingers with the fighter’s.
“I have found people I enjoy the company of here. Even Tav, as insufferable as he is, has his finer moments. I still dream of red dragons and silver swords, but now I also dream of something more profound - I dream of connections that flourish, bonds that endure, and camaraderie that prevails over the solitude of my past. It's an unfamiliar dream, painted in hues of warmth, but,”
She paused, afraid that she had spoken too much.
The evening air rustled, trees swaying in the background.
“Lae’zel?”
“I’ve been let down before, Shadowheart.”
She looked uncertain.
“It is no secret. I am attracted to you. I once thought you like a wet cat, weak and whimpering. I know now that that is not true.”
Shadowheart shifted awkwardly.
“A scheming but powerful Sharrite. Bold and task driven. I could almost commend you, had I not been at the end of your blade. I don’t know if I can trust you.”
“You don’t need to.”
Her eyes were filled with unexpected determination.
“I will demonstrate it to you. You have said it before, if I cross you the third time - I will wake up dead.”
The last line echoed down the fields, a vow sealed.
“I’ll hold you to it, Lae’zel.”
The Githyanki squeezed the half elf’s hand.
“I’ll try to see your dream through.”
Disbelieving, Lae’zel barked a laugh.
“The inhabitants of this plane are often overambitious. Remember, I serve my Queen, and you your Goddess. We are like the stars in the skies, their light drifting in the same direction, but never actually meeting.”
“Stars in the sky still need company before their destination though, right?”
Lae’zel sighed.
“Are you truly going to rebut every line I speak? Already I have grown tired of you.”
They laughed into each other, and for once, Shadowheart’s stomach fluttered at hearing Lae’zel’s midnight laugh. The vile green shroud of envy was no longer there, and she felt like an animal shed of its skin - refreshingly free.
“I don’t think I can ever grow tired of you. Believe me, I've tried.”
The other woman snorted, rolling her eyes as she leaned back, letting Shadowheart rest on her torso more.
"I guess I am stuck with you then."
Looking up at the sky, the two huddled close together, sharing the warmth against the night wind. The cleric's head had meandered down to Lae'zel's chest, and with a soft smile, she closed her grey eyes.
Tomorrow would be a new day, but tonight - this was enough.