Archive of Our Own ^beta

June 

When Buck broke up with Taylor, he spent some time on his own. He didn’t need to jump right into another relationship. Taking time to figure out himself was great. Except it wasn’t long before he found himself wanting again. Sure, at the root of everything, he wanted companionship. Who didn’t? But he wanted something else too, something he hadn’t dared to let himself want for a long time. 

He reactivated his long-dormant Fetlife profile and updated his information. He looked through his pictures, though there were not many. Mostly memes or things that made him smile. There was one picture of him. He was in a lion onesie with the hood pulled down over most of his face. He had a lollipop in his mouth. It was cute, spoke to how he identified and what he was looking for, and, most importantly, had no identifying features. No tattoos, nothing but a sliver of his face. 

He spent some time looking through the groups he was part of. He looked at posts from other people who were looking and when no one stuck out to him, he opened up a new post in a new tab. 

LA area little boy looking for a Daddy 

Little boy looking for a Daddy in the LA area. Willing to travel within reason. I'm in my early 30s, employed, and can host. 5-7 year old head space. I can be a little excitable, but I've been told I am sweet and very loving in my head space. I'm looking for someone who can be firm with boundaries, but also patient and caring with me. Not willing to exchange pictures without talking for a bit first. Send me a DM if you're interested. 

And he posted it. 

He sighed and closed out of Fetlife before stowing his computer away and grabbing for his phone. He had a message from Eddie inviting him to pizza and video games. He texted an "on my way" and headed out the door. 

Over the next few weeks, he got many messages. Some didn't get replies. Some only got two or three messages back and forth. It was always like this. But one got his attention. 

HotPapi92: I've got a kid and a job that will take priority, but I do want this too. I had a short-term partner before I moved to LA who was a little, but we didn't have much time for each other. Between work and my kid, I couldn't be what they needed.

LittleBuckaroo: I have a job that takes a lot of my time. Sometimes it means I'm not available for days at a time. This has been hard for D-types in the past, but it kind of sounds like we are on the same page with this. Not expecting too much. 

HotPapi92: Yes, and I'd like to spend some time feeling this all out before we move on to the next step. Coming into my life in any serious way means also coming into my kid's life, so I need to be sure. 

LittleBuckaroo: Understandable! I'm glad you're not wanting to rush this. It happens more than I'd like to admit. But a Daddy is someone I've got to put a lot of my trust in, so I need to take my time and make sure it's the right fit. 

HotPapi92: Couldn't agree more. Tell me about yourself. What do you like to do when you're in your little space?

LittleBuckaroo: Legos! And coloring. And I really like to watch cartoons. 

HotPapi92: Have you got any cool Lego sets? 

LittleBuckaroo: No, but I don't really have the patience to do one like that. I've got just a set that comes with lots of different blocks and I can build whatever I want. And then something new the next time. 

HotPapi92: That's smart. I get you'd probably want to keep something put together that took you hours and hours to assemble, but then what would you build with?" 

LittleBuckaroo: Exactly!!! You get it. 

HotPapi92: Do you have a stuffie friend? 

LittleBuckaroo: Yeah! A puppy! His name is Peter. He's been my friend for a long time. Since before I moved to LA. 

HotPapi92: that's so good. I'm glad you have a good friend to snuggle with. 

Buck left every conversation with HotPapi92 feeling almost elated. He wanted to talk to him all the time, but it made him nervous to pull up Fetlife while in the firehouse. He forced himself to wait until he was in his car, usually. Still, almost every time he logged on, he had the little mail notification, and it brought butterflies to his stomach. HotPapi92 seemed like the perfect Daddy. He was everything Buck had been looking for. 

—

Eddie frowned at his phone. Two full weeks of talking almost every day to LittleBuckaroo on Fetlife had been an absolute dream. He hadn't even been actively looking for that when he'd decided to look through the posts in a SoCal DDL group. He'd been into it for a long time. First with Shannon. They'd both been new to it together and done a lot of exploring and mistake-making along the way, but it'd gotten harder when Eddie enlisted, even harder when Christopher was born, and they'd let those parts of themselves fall to the wayside. He'd had one partner back in El Paso, a year or so after Shannon left, but he'd been working three jobs then, and with Christopher he didn't have the time to be what Olivia needed. 

Some hookups here and there had elements. He liked being called Papi or Daddy in bed, but he craved more than that. And LittleBuckaroo, Roo as he'd started to call him in his head, seemed like the real deal. Respectful of the fact that Eddie had other responsibilities that took up a lot of his time, but still interested. 

"Eddie, you're looking like the phone just insulted your mother," Chimney called from across the room. 

Eddie's head snapped up. He frowned a little and tucked his phone away. "Saw an Instagram post of you flexing, Chim. Like a trainwreck, I just couldn't look away." 

"Ah, fuck off, Diaz," Chimney replied, laughing. 

In reality, Roo had asked if they could move over to Discord to talk. And Eddie, not wanting to seem as out of the loop as he was, agreed. Now he had to figure out Discord. Normally this was the kind of thing he'd ask Buck about, but he didn't want to have to explain why he suddenly needed to know how to use the messaging system.

He'd figure it out later. 

He smiled when he saw Buck come up the stairs and head his way. He stood and bumped his shoulder into Buck's when he got close. "You still coming over after shift?" 

"I offered to make dinner, so of course. I wouldn't leave my two favorite guys to starve," Buck replied with a grin. 

Eddie gently shoved him before heading to the fridge.  "We wouldn't starve. You know I managed to keep Christopher alive all by myself just fine for years." He grabbed two bottles of water and walked back, pressing one into Buck's hands before he opened his own. 

"But at what cost, Eddie, at what cost?" Buck asked before he opened his water. He took a big drink and then the alarm went off overhead. 

Eddie quickly drained his and tossed the bottle in the recycling on the way down. 

Later, Buck made spaghetti, garlic bread, and roasted green beans. Christopher had seconds of everything--even green beans! 

"Okay, okay," Eddie said as he started the dishes. "You're a godsend, and I don't know how we survived for so long without you." Buck sat back at the table. He had a smirk on his face when Eddie glanced back at him. "Don't let it go to your head, Buckley." 

Buck laughed. "Me? I'd never." 

"Buuuuck!" Christopher called from the living room. "Come build Legos with me." 

"I'd love to keep you company here, Eds, but Chris has that whole cute face going on. Can't say no," Buck said. He stood up from the table and headed into the living room. 

Eddie watched him go, laughing to himself. He really was grateful for Evan Buckley. 

July 

LittleBuckaroo: Good morning! I have a long shift today at work, but I hope you have a really good day! 

HotPapi92: You too, Roo. Be safe. 

"I've been talking to someone online," Buck told Eddie. They were restocking after a call. Eddie paused where he was rolling up a hose. 

"Yeah," he asked. "Like a long-distance thing?" 

"No, they are here in LA, we just haven't met yet. Haven't even talked on the phone or anything. It's okay, though. I'm enjoying myself," Buck replied. He closed and locked the hatch, stepping back. 

Eddie finished with his hose and tucked it away. He turned to Buck, brushing his hands off on his pants "That's good, right?" 

"It is. All of it's good, really. We haven't been talking that long, but this person just knows me, knows what I need before I can even express it," Buck replied. He gathered his gear, carrying it over to hang back up for the next call. 

"It's nice to find someone you can click like that with," Eddie said, following with his gear. He clapped Buck on the shoulder when they'd finished, and gently squeezed. "I'm happy for you, Buck, really. I hope she's everything she seems to be." 

Buck watched Eddie go up the stairs, then turned and sighed. "I really think he is," he said to himself. 

He took a few more minutes, checking his discord. He'd just gotten a message. 

HotPapi92: Thinking about you. Hope work is going well. 

Buck smiled so wide it made his face hurt. 

LittleBuckaroo: My coworkers are gonna ask what's got me grinning like a fool. Can't exactly tell them the truth. 

HotPapi92: 😉 you're a smart boy. You'll think of something. 

Buck laughed. He tucked his phone in his pocket and hurried up the stairs. Everyone was just sitting down the eat the lasagna Bobby had just pulled from the oven so, thankfully, no one asked him why he was smiling so much. Though Eddie did bump him with his shoulder as he sat down and winked at him. 

Buck snorted. "You use that move on the ladies, Diaz?" He asked. 

"Works like a charm every time, Buckley," Eddie replied. 

Buck laughed. "So, that's why you've got so many dates these days, huh?"

Eddie narrowed his eyes a little at Buck. "I'll have you know I'm in my choosy era. I'm taking my time. Eddie 2.0, one might say." 

Buck laughed again and then squirmed away when Eddie started nudging him in the ribs with his elbow. He almost dropped the salad when Eddie hit a particularly ticklish spot, but he managed to keep hold. 

"Gentlemen," Bobby said from the head of the table. He leveled them both a look. "We are eating. Leave the horseplay for another time." 

"Yes, Cap," Eddie said at the same time Buck said "Sorry, Cap," and they both laughed again before tucking into their meal. 

—

HotPapi92: I have a proposition. 

LittleBuckaroo: Hit me with it. 

HotPapi92: We've been talking since mid-June and there are now mere hours left of July. So, six weeks, give or take. I've got a few days off in a row coming up and some kid-free time. Maybe it's time we meet.

LittleBuckaroo: I'd really like that. I'm dying to know what it feels like to be hugged by you.

HotPapi92: I want that too. And to know what Daddy sounds like when you say it. Maybe we can meet in town somewhere? Somewhere neutral. 

LittleBuckaroo: That makes sense to me! 

HotPapi92: I would have no expectations of you, either. I just want to meet. And maybe we can do something fun for your little side. Build-a-bear? 

LittleBuckaroo: I've always wanted to go! Just scared to go on my own. So I'd love that. I think I'd feel comfortable going if I was with you. There are a few places like that… Like Disney. I know I’m an adult, and I have a job, but I have always pictured my first Disney park experience with a Daddy. 

HotPapi92: I want that experience for you. You deserve to be spoiled. I'd be honored to take you for the first time! Build-a-Bear first though. How does Wednesday sound? 

LittleBuckaroo: I’m free! And excited! 🙂 We should probably exchange pictures so we know who we are looking for. 

HotPapi92: Only if you want. We could go rom-com classic and show up with something distinctive, like a single red rose or a blue scarf. 

LittleBuckaroo: August in LA is a little hot for a scarf. 

HotPapi92: You're right. I'll think of something. 

LittleBuckaroo: I trust you. 

"Dad, can you read to me?" Christopher called from down the hall. Eddie set his phone on his nightstand and hurried down the hall. Getting to read to Christopher wasn't an everyday occasion anymore, so he jumped at the chance. He read a chapter out of The Magician's Nephew, though Christopher was asleep long before he'd gotten to the end. He carefully tucked him in and turned off the light before heading down the hall back to his room.

Eddie brushed his teeth and got ready for bed before he laid down again and grabbed his phone. He immediately saw that he had an image waiting from Roo. It made his heart pound. This was it. He was going to see this boy who had absolutely delighted him for the last six weeks. 

But when he opened the message thread, his heart dropped. The picture was cute, the person all snuggled up in a soft-looking blanket with a well-loved stuffed dog that Eddie knew was Peter, but Roo, this stranger on the internet who he'd been talking to for so long was not a stranger at all. It was Buck. 

Eddie sat, frozen, for a long time, and then he swallowed and he opened up his contacts. His thumb hovered over Buck's name for a solid minute before he hit call. 

"Eddie!" Buck's answer was almost immediate. He sounded happy. He'd been happy so often recently. And now it was all going to come crashing down. "It's late. Everything okay with Christopher?" 

"He's fine. Asked me to read to him tonight and it put him out like a light," Eddie replied. "Buck, I have to tell you something." 

"Sure, Eddie. I'm always here to listen." 

"I'm HotPapi92," Eddie said. The words came out in a rush. 

Buck was dead silent for too long before, "What?" 

Eddie rubbed a hand over his face. "We've been talking to each other on the internet for a month and a half Buck. I didn't know until I saw the picture."  

There was another long silence before Eddie heard Buck let out a long breath. "I can't process this right now. I have to go." 

"Buck, wait!" Eddie said, but the line disconnected. Eddie fell back onto his bed and groaned. Fuck. 

August

Buck didn't sleep. He went back through their whole conversation. He looked through Eddie's sparse profile on Fetlife. There was nothing that told Buck that this was Eddie Diaz he'd been talking to. He couldn't have known. 

But now Eddie knew everything. All of Buck's deep dark secrets were spilled, all the stuff Buck had been intentionally keeping inside from even his closest friends. He'd thought it would be safe to share all of him with the person he wanted to be his Daddy. 

He cried a little in the early hours of the morning. Everything had felt so good. Now it all felt like ash in his mouth. 

Eddie called a few times in the hour after Buck had hung up. He texted. He sent messages on Discord, but Buck had ignored it all. He couldn't. He'd so intentionally kept certain things separate in his life, but now it was all messy, strings all knotted together with no hope of ever being untangled. 

He considered calling out of work. Bobby wouldn't want him to come in if he thought Buck was puking his guts out, right? But he couldn't avoid Eddie forever. Eddie was his best friend. Eddie and Christopher meant the world to him. He couldn't bear to lose them over something like this. 

So he went to work. 

Eddie spent the whole time trying to get Buck alone, but the fates seemed to be working in Buck's favor, because either another member of the team would call for him or the alarm would go off. 

In the engine, Eddie kept trying to catch his eye, but Buck spent a lot of time looking out the window. He could fake it easily enough for Hen and Chim, but Bobby had caught on that something was up, though he didn't pry. He just kept giving Buck these looks. 

Buck's luck ran out near the end of the shift when a call only needed Hen and Chim. Bobby was in his office leaving Buck and Eddie to themselves. It's hard to avoid someone when they are the only other person around.

"Buck, come on. Please talk to me about this. I promise I didn't know," Eddie said, keeping his voice low. 

"I didn't think you did," Buck replied, turning away. He started to unload the dishwasher. 

"So nobody did anything wrong here. Everything is okay," Eddie said. 

Buck shook his head but didn't turn to look at Eddie. "No. Now you know everything. All my secrets."

Eddie moved around to the other side so he was in front of Buck. "So? Doesn't change our friendship. Doesn't change what I think of you. You could have told me all of this to my face and it wouldn't matter to me. How many times have we gotten into serious relationship talks and this has never come up?" 

Buck slammed his fist on the counter, wincing when it made the dishes rattle. "I didn't know you'd be okay with it. What if I'd told you and you thought I was a freak? What if you didn't want to be my friend anymore? What if you didn't let me see Chris? Besides, you never told me you were into guys and that's, arguably, more important." 

"You also kept that info to yourself, so we are even there," Eddie said, then sighed. "There's not a lot you can say that's gonna run me off, Evan. You matter to me and Chris." 

Buck turned away slightly and started to stack plates to go into the cupboard. "I don't share that because I've never actually..." 

He hunched his shoulders, pulling out the utensils before he pushed the dishwasher closed with his food. He turned to Eddie. "I've known since high school that I liked everybody, but I haven't been with a guy further than like..." he trailed off again, his face growing hot. He practically threw the utensils into their designated spots in the drawer. "Dry humping in the back of a car." 

"I won't judge you for that either," Eddie said. He sighed and leaned against the counter while Buck finished putting the dishes away. He reopened the dishwasher and loaded everything from the sink in before closing it and rinsing off his hands. 

Buck stood there for a solid minute. He needed to ask a question, and he wasn’t sure he was going to like the answer, but he needed to know. He looked at Eddie. "If you'd known it was me, from the very beginning, would you still have talked to me?" he asked. 

Eddie's face spoke before his mouth did, and it wasn't the answer Buck wanted. In fact, it crushed him. 

"We work together, Buck " Eddie said. 

"It's fine," Buck replied. He dried his hand on the towel hanging from a hook next to the sink. The sound of the bay door opening felt like relief washing over him. 

"Hen and Chim are back. I'm going to go help them restock so we can all clear out at the end of shift." 

"Buck," Eddie called after him, but Buck just kept walking.

The next day, Eddie cornered Buck in the locker room. Another shift of Buck trying to avoid all possible conversations and faking it with the rest of the team. 

"Are we okay?" Eddie asked. 

Buck leaned back against the locker. He scrubbed his hand over his face. 

"We will be," he said. "I just need some space. I got my feelings a little hurt. I'll handle it. It'll be fine." 

Eddie frowned. He looked like he wanted to say more but he didn't, so Buck pushed away from the locker. 

"Tell Christopher we have to reschedule our OG Ghostbusters watch. We should probably save that for October anyway," Buck said. 

"So, what? Are you not going to come around until October, then?" Eddie asked, the words almost tumbling from his mouth, he spoke so quickly. 

"I don't think I'll need that much time," Buck replied. He squeezed Eddie's shoulder and brushed past him. 

—

Eddie was miserable. Buck wasn't not talking to him, but he also wasn't talking to him. This just meant that he replied when Eddie spoke to him, but he hadn't initiated a conversation since everything happened. He hadn't been over in a week. Eddie and Christopher had been surviving off of take-out and freezer food. Because, for the most part, Eddie could successfully cook anything from frozen.

And sure, maybe he shouldn't have relied so much on Buck for things like basic sustenance, but Buck offered. Buck enjoyed cooking and Eddie and Christopher enjoyed eating and spending time with Buck. And they missed him. 

Eddie missed him. 

"What's going on between you and Buck?" Hen asked. "Did you two have a fight or something? He barely looks at you." 

Eddie gritted his teeth. He didn't have an answer, so he shrugged a little. "Yeah, sorta," he said. "We're working it out." Which was a lie and Eddie was sure Hen could tell, but she didn't push further. 

"Fix it sooner rather than later," she said, then walked away. 

Chim mentioned it in passing a few days later and even Bobby pulled him aside to talk, but Eddie didn't have a good explanation. 

Seventeen days after what Eddie was calling "The Incident," Buck didn't show up to work. Which was so wildly out of character for him that it had Eddie standing with his phone in his hand, thumb hovering over “call” on Buck's contact page. But he had more than two weeks of unreturned messages and calls. He had no reason to believe that this would be different. 

A woman showed up, a firefighter Eddie recognized, but couldn't place, and Bobby gathered them all. 

"Team, this is Emma Platt, she's a firefighter with the 106. They have been gracious enough to loan her to us for two weeks while Buck is on vacation," he said. "We appreciate you joining us, Firefighter Platt." 

Buck. On vacation? Buck, who they had to fight tooth and nail to stay home when he was sick or injured, had willingly taken a vacation. Eddie frowned. 

Hen gave him a look like, why haven't you fixed this yet, and he hunched his shoulders. It wasn't his fault. He shouldn't have to fix it. 

Except it was a little his fault. Because when Buck was just Roo, he'd been so close to all in. But learning it was Buck had changed it all. They worked together. And Buck was already a huge part of Christopher's life. What if something went sideways? Whole lives would be affected.

But it was obvious that Buck had been hopeful and that learning HotPapi92 was Eddie hadn't changed his mind. And that meant that Eddie had hurt him, even with the best intentions. 

All in all, it was a shitty situation with no possible winners. 

Eddie found himself irritable without Buck around. The Golden Retriever of a firefighter had a way of lifting the spirits of everybody he encountered. Even on a bad day, he seemed to manage to make Eddie laugh. Going days on end without seeing him was dampening Eddie's mood. 

A few days in, he called Maddie. He was standing outside his house, not keen to have Christopher overhear.

"Hi, Eddie," she said, and he could hear the surprise in her voice. He wasn't sure if he'd ever called her before. 

"Hey Maddie, I was just calling to check in. How are you?"

"Cut the crap. You want to know about Buck, don't you?" And he could almost see her giving him the same look that all the women in his life seemed to be making at him these days. 

"Yeah," he admitted. "I just wanted to make sure he's okay." 

"I'm gonna need you to tell me what's going on, Firefighter Diaz, immediately," Maddie said. 

"I'm not-" 

"No, because one minute you're inseparable. I'm having to book time with my brother weeks in advance because he's got plans on all his days off with you and Chris, and the next minute, what? Chim says he's not only quiet, which we both know is not like him, and he avoids you at all costs. Now he's on vacation? Evan Buckley doesn't do vacation. What's going on?" Maddie pressed on, then gasped. "Holy shit, did you two sleep together?"

"What? No! Why would you think that?" Eddie sputtered. He sat down on the stairs up to the porch. 

"Oh come on, you two have been very will-they, won't-they for a while now. Hen and Chim are betting on when it will finally happen," Maddie replied. 

Eddie swore under his breath. "That's ridiculous. There's nothing like that between us." 

Maddie snorted. "You've obviously never seen the way he looks at you. Whatever is currently going on between you needs to get sorted. It's messing up the flow of the 118." 

Eddie sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. "I know that. I do. He asked for space. I'm giving him space." 

Maddie was quiet for a second, then she let out a sigh of her own. "If that's what he said he needs, I guess we have to respect that. I don't need to know what happened between you two, but I am going to warn you that while he likes to act tough, he's let you in, and with that, he's given you the capacity to hurt him. Please be careful." 

Eddie closed his eyes and dropped his head into his palm. He knew that too. "I'm trying, Maddie," he managed to say finally. 

"Good. Have a good night, Eddie," she replied and she hung up, leaving Eddie alone. 

Almost exactly two weeks into Buck being gone, Eddie's phone finally lit up with a text from him. 

Buck: I get in super late tonight, but I've got gifts and a new recipe for a chicken pasta dish that looks amazing. You free tomorrow? 

Eddie read it a few times. He'd spent the better part of the month missing Evan Buckley and the text felt like nothing had changed from before. And maybe that was a good thing. They could get back to who they'd been before. Maybe. Maddie's comment about how Buck looked at him had been knocking around in his head for days. He was a little scared that he'd been changed for good by it. 

Eddie: Carla is picking Chris up at 4:30 from after-school club, and I get off at 6. Let yourself in

And it felt normal enough. Everything was going to be fine. 

September

Buck stood on the steps to Eddie's house. Carla's car was in the driveway, so he knew she and Christopher were inside, but he was nervous. He hadn't seen Christopher in over a month, Eddie for two weeks, and the weeks leading up to his leaving hadn't exactly been good. But he was determined that everything was going to be fine. Back to normal. 

He had a bag of gifts in one hand and the supplies for a lemon chicken pasta in the other and he nervously bounced on the balls of his feet for way too long before he finally knocked. 

"Buck!" Was all he needed to be okay, he learned. He set his bags down carefully and lifted Christopher into his arms, hugging him tightly. 

"Hey buddy, I missed you," Buck said, and he was trying not to get teary-eyed. 

He put Christopher back on his feet and grabbed his bags. Carla let him get into the kitchen and put everything down before she demanded her own hug. 

"We've missed you around here," she said, pulling back and looking at his face. "I see you didn't remember to wear sunscreen wherever it was that you went." 

"Florida," Buck laughed. "And I did. But the sun means business over there, and I'm not great at remembering to reapply." 

He put the food away in the fridge and started to sort through his gifts. He had a shirt and a mug for Carla, both of which delighted her. 

Christopher had the most, partially because he was the most delightful to give gifts to, but partially because Buck had very poor impulse control and would buy something he even thought Christopher would like. 

Two Star Wars Lego sets, a t-shirt, a couple of books, and a stuffed toy from a cartoon Buck didn't know, but recognized as something they'd watched together. 

Buck sat for a while on the floor with Christopher, helping him to put together his TIE fighter, but he had to go to the kitchen to start dinner. He'd already prepped everything at his apartment, beating the chicken cutlets flat. He heavily salted a pot of water and set it on to boil while he covered the cutlets with panko bread crumbs and started to shallow fry them. 

Cooking felt normal. Cooking for Eddie, Chris, and Carla even more so. It all came together pretty quickly and he was melting butter for the sauce when he heard the front door open and Christopher's yell that followed seconds later. 

"Dad! Come look what Buck brought me from Disney World!" 

Buck felt himself tense. He was fine. He'd been gone two weeks. He'd taken the time he needed. He'd gotten his space. It was time to move on. To be normal again. So what Eddie didn't want him like that? He was still his best friend. Buck still got to be in Christopher's life and that's what mattered, right?

He added cream, parmesan, and lemon to the sauce and then tossed in the pasta. The chicken went on top next, four perfectly golden brown cutlets, and Buck was just adding on extra shredded parmesan and lemon zest when he heard Eddie's boots coming toward the kitchen. 

"Hey Buck," Eddie said and Buck turned. He smiled. 

"Eddie!" He went in for a hug, just like normal, careful not to linger too long though it didn't feel like Eddie was quite ready to pull away yet when he did. Eddie leaned back against the counter.

Buck walked to the fridge. "That brewery over on Broadway put out a new beer for fall. Small batch. I grabbed a six-pack because I remembered you liked last year's fall brew." He pulled out two of the bottles, grabbing for the bottle opener. Buck handed over one of the beers once he'd gotten the cap off and gently tapped his own against Eddie's. 

"Cheers," Eddie replied, and he was so quiet as he sipped his beer. 

"I brought you back some things," Buck said, grabbing for the small pile of things for Eddie. A shirt that said "My best friend went to Orlando and all I got was this lousy t-shirt," a Star Wars mug, and inside the mug wrapped up in a paper towel was a rock. 

Eddie looked at everything, still quiet, until he got to the rock. He unwrapped it and held it up for a second before looking at Buck. 

"I'm gonna need you to explain this one to me, Buck," he said. 

"I thought it was cool," Buck replied. "And it's flat. I found it on a beach and thought it might be a good skipping rock, which you promised you'd show me how to do."

"So you brought it back for me," Eddie snorted. He set the mug and shirt down on the counter and turned the rock over in his hand. "It is the perfect skipping rock." 

Buck nodded. He smiled and shrugged a little before he took a big swig of his beer. He moved the skillet with dinner to the table. 

"You went to Disney by yourself," Eddie said. 

Buck closed his eyes. And he'd thought about Eddie the whole damn time. About how much better it would have been to go with him. He took a breath and opened his eyes again before turning to look at Eddie. "I decided that I needed to stop waiting to do the things I want to do."

Eddie nodded. He pushed away from the counter and took a drink from his beer. He held it up after a second. "Not as good as last year, but still good. I'll get Chris and Carla for dinner."

Buck watched him leave, then puffed out a sigh. Progress, he hoped.

Dinner went well. Then Carla had to go, and Christopher was anxious to get back to building. Buck was pushed away from the dishes and out of the kitchen.

"You're such a great builder, Chris," he said. He really was in awe. He'd have given up a long time ago. But the TIE fighter was already a good third of the way built. 

They worked, Buck trying to make heads or tails of the directions and finding pieces as Christopher needed them, and they watched TV. Eddie joined them after a while. 

"Bedtime, Chris," he said as an episode of the show they'd been half-watching ended. He picked up the remote to stop the next from autoplaying. 

"We can build tomorrow, right Buck?" Christopher asked, looking hopeful and of course, Buck wouldn't say no to that face. 

"Sure thing, buddy. Think we can convince your dad to buy us pizza?" 

Christopher immediately turned his head to look at Eddie. "Pizza, Dad! Please?!" 

Buck couldn't help but grin, pulling his knees to his chest and watching Eddie pretend to hem and haw a little bit about it before he finally agreed. Christopher shouted his excitement. 

"Say night to Buck and go get ready for bed. I'll come tuck you in," Eddie said. 

Christopher turned and threw himself at Buck, hugging him tightly and whispering his goodnight before getting up and heading off.

Eddie laughed softly shaking his head. "You want another beer?" 

"Nah, I gotta drive home soon. Tomorrow's shift is gonna kick my ass after two weeks off," Buck replied. He stretched out his legs. 

"Don't envy you there," Eddie said. 

"Dad, I'm ready," Christopher called. Eddie was up and off immediately, leaving Buck alone in the living room. He cleaned up the Legos, putting them into little piles on the coffee table before he moved to sit on the couch. 

Eddie came back after a few minutes and sank down next to him. He held out a tube of what looked like lotion. 

Buck squinted at it. "What's that for?" 

"Your face. You're too white to just apply sunscreen once and hope for the best." 

Buck took the lotion. After sun. He opened it up and smelled it. It was lightly scented. Not bad. 

"It's hard to remember," he said, squirting a little into his hand and starting to rub it on his face. 

"Don't forget the bridge of your nose. The sun got you good, Buck. You have to be careful."

Buck frowned as he started to rub the lotion into his nose. It was sore, but that faded a little with the lotion. He sighed and offered the tube back to Eddie. 

Eddie shook his head. "Take it with you." 

Buck tucked it into his pocket. 

It was quiet then and Buck wasn't sure what to say, but after a minute or so, he leaned over and bumped Eddie with his shoulder. "I missed you. Nobody else ever just hands me bottles of water and expects me to drink them. I was chronically dehydrated the whole time I was in Florida." 

Eddie laughed, really laughed, for the first time and Buck couldn't help but grin. "What would you do without me, Buck?" 

"Not sure, but I bet my kidneys are happier this way," Buck replied, shaking his head. 

Eddie shook his head, still chuckling a little. He glanced over at the other man. "I missed you too, Buck." 

Buck smiled back at him but then was caught by surprise when he yawned. "Shit. I oughta go." He stood and starched his arms up toward the ceiling, yawning again. 

Eddie walked Buck to the door. 

Once Buck was in the jeep, he let his head thunk forward against the steering wheel. He pulled the aftersun out of his pocket. Did Eddie even realize all the little shit he did for Buck all the time? The water, the lotion, and a million other little things just showed how kind and caring the man was. Buck groaned and started up the jeep. Eddie didn't want him as anything more than a friend. That was fine. Buck could live with that. He could move on and find someone else. He had to. 

When he got back to his apartment, he flopped over onto his bed and shoved his hand under the pillow to pull out his little stuffed dog. He pressed his face against it. He could find someone else. Try again. There had to be a Daddy out there who wanted him. 

—

Having Buck back made Eddie's chest ache in a way he hadn't expected. And finding out he'd gone to Disney World had stung. Eddie had no right to be hurt like that. Yes, he'd offered to take Buck for the first time, but that had been before. Eddie was the one who had shut it all down. So why did he feel like something had been taken from him? 

And Buck was right not to wait to do what he wanted. He should get to go to Disney. He should get to do whatever he wanted to do. 

Eddie just couldn't figure out why this was such a sore spot for him. 

"Eddie, Eddie, Eddie," Buck called, running across the bay toward him. He had his phone in his hand and managed to almost trip over his own feet, but he caught himself and bumped right into Eddie. "Look. This list was just published, 20 fall things to do in and around LA." 

"Be careful," Eddie sighed. reaching out to steady Buck who was practically shaking with his excitement. 

"Eddie, I'm fine. Look. Pumpkin patches, hay rides, apple picking. There's a corn maze maybe twenty minutes down I-5. Chris would love all of these things," Buck said. 

And Eddie found the excitement endearing, really, especially when Buck was excited about doing all this with Christopher. He leaned in so he could look at the phone screen. "We can do one thing a week. We still have work. Chris still has school. We need a little downtime. Deal?" 

Buck grinned. "Deal. I bet Chim and Maddie would love to take Jee to the pumpkin patch too." And he was gone. 

Eddie laughed to himself. It'd been almost a week and a half with Buck back and it did feel like everything was okay again.

Except Maddie's words stuck. And he'd caught Buck looking a few times. But he also caught himself looking at Buck. It was almost as if he hadn't even realized what he had until it was gone. And now that Buck was back, everything felt a little different. Buck was back to being Buck, but Eddie had changed somehow. 

He wondered often if he'd made a mistake. Sometimes at night, he looked through personal ads in the SoCal Daddy Dom Little group. But he found himself comparing everyone to Buck. What even had drawn him in in the first place? The honesty maybe. The collection of memes that fit his own sense of humor so well, perhaps. But LittleBuckaroo had seemed so real between his post and his profile. Eddie wanted real. 

Buck was real but complicated. And Christopher losing him for a month had been hard enough. What if they tried something, broke up, and that was it? Would one of them have to leave the 118? Eddie would be the one to go. He wouldn't ask Buck to do that. But how would he explain it to Christopher?

Eddie hated the idea of losing Buck. Wasn't it better to stay right as they were than take the chance that they could get hurt and lose each other completely?

It was nearly the end of September when they responded to a car accident out on a two-lane highway some ways out of town. It had been raining for the last day and so everything was wet, everything was muddy. Everyone was okay. Minor bumps and bruises, one totaled car, and one that probably would be okay. 

Buck noticed the missing hubcap while Hen and Chim finished evaluating the driver of that car and started to look around. 

"You see a hubcap?" Buck asked Eddie who shook his head. He wasn't paying attention to what Buck was doing, but did look over when he heard, "There it is!" 

And Buck started across the road to get it. Not looking. Not noticing the car going too fast down the slick road. 

Everything felt like slow motion as Eddie lunged after Buck. He managed to grab him by the back of his jacket and yank him back, right as the car sped by. 

"Jesus Christ, Buck!" Eddie shouted, pushing Buck back toward the engine. He was so angry. That had been so stupid! "You can't do that! You know better than to cross a road without looking on a good day but look at the road. That car couldn't have stopped in time if it wanted to. Everything is wet! Why would you do something so stupid?" 

Eddie expected Buck to yell back, to defend his stupid action, which would just serve to fuel Eddie's anger, but that didn't happen. Instead, Buck looked at him with wide eyes. He looked like he was about to cry, those big blues glassy and wet. 

"I'm sorry, Eddie. I just saw the hubcap and didn't think," Buck whispered. 

Eddie's anger fizzled. He sighed and gripped Buck's shoulder, squeezing gently. "Be more careful, Buck. Go get the hubcap. But please, for the love of God, look before you try to cross the road." 

Buck nodded and pulled away. 

He got the hubcap, indeed looking before he tried to cross, and they got everything packed up and headed back to the station. 

Buck was reserved on the way back. Maybe it was that everything was wet and they were all a little miserable, but Eddie felt like a jerk all the same. 

He sat in the locker room after he'd finished changing and waited until Chimney finished changing and left.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you, Buck," Eddie said. "You scared me." 

Buck looked over from where he was buttoning his uniform shirt. He shrugged and looked away pretty quickly. Eddie stood and walked over. He leaned against the locker next to Buck's. 

"Buck," he said. 

Buck's fingers paused on the button closest to his throat. "It's fine, Eddie," he said. 

"You seem to say that a lot when it's actually not fine at all." 

Buck wrinkled his nose but didn't reply. 

Eddie leaned in and bumped Buck in the ribs with his elbow. Buck squirmed away. Eddie followed. He used his elbow again but then started with his hands to tickle Buck. 

Buck put up a hell of a fight, but he ended up panting with his back pressed against the lockers. "I give!" 

Eddie smiled, dropping his hands. He raised an eyebrow, watching as Buck let his head thump back against the locker. 

"You're not still mad at me, right Eddie?" he asked after a second. And he sounded so small, so worried. 

Eddie immediately pulled him into a hug, wrapping his arms tight around Buck. 

"No bud," he murmured. "I'm not mad anymore." He felt Buck's relief as the tension drained from his body and then Buck's arms tightened around him. 

Eddie knew enough about Buck's parents to dislike them. He knew that Buck spent his childhood doing stupid shit, getting hurt, to get their attention, as if the only time he mattered was when he was hurt. But as he pulled away from Buck, he couldn't help but wonder how often that hurt was met with anger because Buck had done yet another stupid, reckless thing. Did it ever get resolved? Or did it just fester in a child who couldn't understand why he had to work so hard to get his parents to love him in the first place?

Eddie couldn't imagine doing that to Christopher. And sure, he hadn't lost a child, but when they lost theirs, they still had two that needed them, two children that had to learn to depend on only each other. Not even grief could excuse that.  

When Eddie lay in bed that night, he thought about his rejection of Buck, because that's what it had been, right? He had his reasons. And he knew they were good, solid reasons, but to Buck, was Eddie just another person in a long line of people who didn't love him? 

Eddie found the idea made his heart ache, and he didn't like that. 

October 

"I have a whole day off to myself tomorrow," Buck said from where he was sprawled out on Eddie's living room floor. He'd been helping Christopher with his history project, but they'd finished. Christopher had joined his dad on the couch to play a game together. Buck had gotten comfortable. "Chris at school. Eddie at work. Can't do anything on the Fall Fun list. What am I supposed to do?" 

"Sleep in and watch cartoons in bed all day," Christopher offered. 

"You could, I don't know, catch up on chores. You're the one who says he never has time to do laundry," Eddie said. 

Buck huffed, turning his head to glare at Eddie. "I'm not going to waste my day off doing chores, Eddie." 

Christopher laughed as he beat his dad and put down the controller. "You could spend the day here until I get home from school." 

"Like a sad puppy," Buck sighed. He rolled to his side. His phone buzzed and he looked at it long enough to see that it was a Discord notification. He'd been talking to a guy for a few weeks now. Tyler. He'd been quick to exchange names and pictures this time. Tyler had mentioned wanting to meet. Maybe that was what his Wednesday held for him. 

He hadn't mentioned Tyler to Eddie. It felt like both the right and wrong choice to make. Eddie didn't need to know, right? But Buck would feel safer if he was meeting someone and Eddie did know. He just didn't know if he even wanted to talk about all of this with Eddie. They were good, back to normal. He didn't want to ruin it all again. 

Buck sat up. "I want ice cream," he said, then grinned at Eddie. "I'll drive?" 

Eddie groaned. "We're going to Dairy Queen again, aren't we?" 

"Pumpkin Pie Blizzard!" Christopher shouted. 

Buck grinned. 

Tyler lived in an apartment in Santa Monica. Buck liked the drive; he liked the beach. He'd thought about texting Eddie and letting him know what he was doing a dozen times, but it was better not to. 

Tyler was nice. They'd spoken over voice chat a few times. He promised Buck lunch and an afternoon to just play. To be small. Which Buck wanted badly. He'd never gotten to be small with someone else before in person. Over voice chats and video calls a few times, but otherwise, it had always been him alone in his apartment with his one stuffed toy, his box of Legos, and his coloring books. 

He'd brought Peter with him. Had resisted the urge to buckle his stuffed puppy into the passenger seat because he didn't know how he'd explain that to a cop if he got pulled over. 

It was hard to sink into his little headspace in Tyler's strange apartment. 

Tyler put on Clifford , which was Buck's favorite show in his headspace, and Buck sat cross-legged on his couch, holding Peter in his lap. He held tight to his friend and eventually relaxed enough to sit back and lean against Tyler. 

Tyler was taller than Buck. He had shaggy blonde hair, a short beard, and light brown eyes. Buck caught himself thinking that they weren't as nice of a brown as Eddie's. Tyler was lithe, lean; he looked like a runner. But he wasn't as comfortable to lean against as Eddie was. And he didn't radiate heat in the same way, either. 

He wasn't Eddie. He wasn't supposed to be Eddie. Buck needed to get ahold of himself. 

Tyler bought him a Paw Patrol coloring book and a brand new box of crayons and let him color at the table while he cooked lunch for them. 

Buck flipped right to a picture of Marshall and started to color him in. "This is Marshall," he told Tyler, trying to stay inside the lines. "He's the best one because he's a firefighter. See his helmet. I got one of those, though mine isn't red. Marshall's is red. Mine is black and yellow." 

"Is that so?" Tyler asked. 

Buck talked as he worked. "Yeah, and he's a Dalmatian. We don't have a dog, but there used to be lots of them around fire stations. Did you know that Dalmatians started being known as fire dogs in the 1800s? They were already carriage guards before that because they worked well with horses, but the New York Fire Department started using them to run ahead of their horse-drawn carriages. Did you know that fire engines used to be horse-drawn? Isn't that so cool? When they didn't need horses anymore, they still kept the dogs." 

"That is interesting," Tyler said. He set down a plate with a grilled cheese sandwich, Doritos, and apple slices in front of Buck. 

"Yeah, I know! After 9/11, one of the firehouses that responded was gifted a Dalmatian puppy that helped comfort them. So, even though they didn't need to guard a carriage or clear the way anymore, they are still pretty great to have around for other reasons," Buck said. 

"That is very cool," Tyler said, but Buck wasn't so sure he actually thought it was cool. "Can you close your coloring book and eat your lunch?" 

Buck nodded. He put his red crayon in the book and closed it before pushing it aside. 

He took an apple slice first, crunching into it. It was a little tart, a little sweet, and perfectly crunchy, just how he liked his apples and he swayed happily in his seat. 

His excitement only grew as he explored each component of his lunch. He didn't buy chips all that often, so Doritos were a huge treat. Grilled cheese was his favorite sandwich. It was all good. And he moved and tapped his feet. He stood. He sat back down. He talked more about Dalmatians. 

And Tyler seemed to take it in stride, but eventually, he said, "Buck, I need you to sit still in your chair and finish your lunch." 

And Buck tried. 

"Sit still, Buck," Tyler said again, and his voice was firm this time. It made Buck feel squirmy inside because he didn't know what the consequences were. What would happen if he couldn't sit still? 

He tried harder to keep his feet planted on the ground, to focus only on eating his lunch, but now he was anxious too. And now his food wasn't making him happy like it had been before. 

The pain didn't register at first, but then it blossomed across his cheek and his eyes watered. It also immediately yanked him out of his headspace. He immediately shoved back from the table. Peter, shoes, home. 

Tyler got in his way. "Sit back down and finish your lunch." 

"I'm leaving," Buck said. 

"No, you're not. You didn't do as you were told, and there was a consequence. Sit back down," Tyler said grabbing his wrist. Buck looked down at the hand circled around his wrist and then back up at Tyler. 

"You want to keep that hand? I suggest that you remove it from my body," he all but snarled. Flight is what his brain wanted to do first, but fight could also be arranged. 

Tyler stepped back. Buck got Peter but didn't put his shoes on before he was out in the hall, Tyler yelling behind him. He didn't even hear it. 

He threw his shoes in the passenger seat of his jeep and climbed in, starting the engine and gunning it out of the parking lot without putting on his seat belt. 

Buck pulled into a McDonald's parking lot a few miles down the road and turned off the jeep. His hand shook as he lifted it to press against his cheek. It hurt. The skin was hot and it felt swollen already. After a second, he leaned his forehead against his steering wheel and started to cry. 

In the morning, when he looked at himself in the mirror, the bruise was already so dark and in the tell-tale fan shape. There was no mistaking that someone's hand had left that on his face. 

—

Eddie was in a good mood when he got to the station. He'd had a good evening with his kid, dinner at their favorite restaurant and a movie, a great night's sleep, and he'd even had time to get coffee on the way in. Exactly what he'd wanted. Everything was going so well, in fact, that Eddie should have known something was going to ruin his day.

Buck was already there when he got in, turned facing away and Eddie was about to call to him when Chimney caught his attention with the look on his face. He followed Chimney's gaze to Hen who had a similar expression, and they seemed to be having some sort of conversation with their faces, each looking back at Buck every few seconds. 

Eddie stopped. What was going on? He stood there for a few seconds, trying to interpret what exactly was going on when he heard Bobby call from upstairs. 

"Morning all. Buck, you mind helping me out with inventory first thing?" 

Eddie glanced at him leaning over the railing, then back at Buck because Buck was definitely at the heart of whatever was going on. 

"Sure thing, Cap!" Buck called back and then he turned. 

"What the fuck happened to your face?" Eddie said before he could stop himself. Buck had been hit and hit hard. Dark purple bruises fanned out across his cheek. 

Buck laughed in a way that sounded forced and held his hands up. "Hey, hey, you all don't need to look so worried. I just got into a little disagreement with someone on my day off," he said. "You should see the other guy." 

But Buck was lying. Eddie knew Buck was lying. And when he looked between the other members of their team, he could tell that they knew too, but nobody pushed it. 

Eddie wanted to kill somebody. He wanted to murder whoever left that big-ass handprint on Buck's face. But Buck brushed past him to go help Bobby with inventory, and then they got call after call their whole shift. 12 hours of no downtime. And Buck was just Buck the whole time like nothing had happened. 

Eddie's anger simmered under the surface of his skin. He managed to keep it under control, but he was tired and so very done by the time their shift ended and he cornered Buck in the locker room. 

"Did you get into a slapfight?" he asked. 

"What?" Buck blinked at him, clearly confused.

"I've seen you fight. You use your fists. But the mark on your face wasn't left by a fist," Eddie said. 

Buck pushed his locker shut. "Eddie, drop it. Please." 

"No, you lied to me," Eddie paused, "us. Our team. What happened for real?" 

"Some guy slapped me. It's not a big deal," Buck replied. He slung his bag over his shoulder, trying to sidestep, but Eddie sidestepped too. He remained in Buck's way.

"Someone hit you hard, Buck. That's a nasty bruise. What. Happened?" 

Buck groaned. "I told you. Some guy slapped me." 

"Who?"

"Some guy." 

"Buck!" 

Buck threw his hands up and let out a frustrated sound. "Just some guy I met on the internet, okay? It doesn't matter." 

Eddie froze for a few seconds, just letting those words wash over him before he gripped Buck's shoulders and held him there, studying his face. He dropped his volume way down. "Were you small when he hit you?" 

When Buck looked away instead of answering, Eddie could have destroyed the whole world. He loosened his grip and stepped back. 

"Who is he, Buck?" he asked. 

Buck shook his head. "It doesn't matter." He finally shoved past, heading for the exit. Eddie grabbed his bag and followed. 

"It does matter. You got hurt. There's a big bruise on your face. All of that matters." 

Buck walked right to his jeep but didn't unlock it. He turned to face Eddie. 

"Okay, it matters, but you knowing his name doesn't solve any problems. If anything, it just creates new ones. It doesn't change the fact that I met a guy I thought was nice, and I was wrong again. It doesn't change the fact that I got slapped in the face because I couldn't sit still. It doesn't change anything. It happened. It's over. I won't be seeing him again," he said and he sounded like he was just on the edge of tears. 

Eddie knew he should pull back, but everything in him was screaming that Buck needed to be protected, then he worked through everything that Buck had said and he paused. 

"Why did he hit you?" he asked, his voice soft. 

"Eddie," Buck said, almost pleading. 

Eddie shook his head. "No, I need to make sure I heard you correctly. Why did he hit you?" 

Buck leaned back against the door of his jeep. "He told me to sit still and eat my lunch, and I couldn't do it," he whispered. 

Adult Buck was always moving. He seemed unable to be in one space for too long. There were too many things to do and too much to see. He was always ready to go. A golden retriever. Hen had coined that. Eddie loved it even if he sometimes desperately wanted Buck to just sit still while they watched a movie. Eddie could only imagine what he'd been like as a child, what he was like when he let himself regress into that headspace. He couldn't imagine, however, punishing, much less hitting him across the face for it. 

"It's ... whatever," Buck said, digging in his pocket. The jeep beeped once and unlocked. "I'm a lot to handle." 

"Who told you that?" Eddie asked. 

The laugh that followed was a bitter sound. "Have you met me? Everybody. Anyway, I'm done with all that. I keep trying, but it keeps not working out. I'm over it." 

Eddie didn't want that for Buck. He reached out and pulled Buck into a hug, holding him tight. 

Buck's body was so tense at first, but then he sagged against Eddie and let out a sad, half-whimpered, "Eddie." 

"I don't think you're too much," Eddie said. "Come over. I'm making mac and cheese from a box, boneless wings from the freezer, and I'm pretty sure I've got some peas floating around in there somewhere." 

Buck let out a soft laugh and pulled back. "Gourmet." He rubbed a hand over his eyes. "I shouldn't let Chris see my face like this." 

Eddie squeezed his shoulder. "Tell him you got in that fight. He'll actually believe you. But impress upon him that it was a bad idea, will ya? I don't need him trying to be like his Buck and coming home with a shiner." 

"His Buck," Buck repeated. 

"Yep. And Chris doesn't think you're too much either. He could be happy with even more Buck," Eddie laughed. 

Buck laughed then too. "I'm almost more than I can handle some days." 

"That's why you've got all of us," Eddie said. "To help on the days it's hard." 

Eleven days. That's how long it took until all the bruising had faded from Buck's cheek. Eddie asked every day for a name, but Buck wouldn't give it up. When the marks were finally gone, he stopped asking, but the whole thing had opened up a new avenue of worry for him. That something similar could happen again. Buck hadn't told him about the guy. He probably wouldn't in the future either. And that scared Eddie a little, the idea of Buck meeting strange men from the internet, giving them that vulnerable part of him. 

And then he realized he was jealous. Which, well, fuck.

November 

"Okay, okay, we have to talk about Thanksgiving," Buck said. He perched on the edge of the coffee table closest to the couch Eddie was currently lying on with his eyes closed. He had a clipboard, but he set it aside when he sat down. It had been an extremely slow shift, so he'd been making lists. 

"We just had Halloween," Eddie replied, throwing his arm over his eyes. 

"It's been over a week and a half. If I want to brine a turkey, I'm going to have to get it and defrost it pretty soon. And I should let people know," Buck said. 

Eddie turned his head. "Who people? You're brining a turkey? Like a big turkey? How many people are you planning for? Where are you hosting this Thanksgiving with your brined turkey? You don't even have a couch." 

"Exactly! I should know all that stuff by now, and I haven't even started planning yet," Buck said, grabbing for his clipboard. "I made a list of all the standard Thanksgiving foods, plus Food52 said the most popular Thanksgiving dish in Texas is pecan pie, so I added that." 

Eddie reached out and snatched the clipboard from Buck's hands. "You're not allowed to have these," he said. "What if instead of all this," he gestured to the clipboard, "You, me, Chris. You brine just a turkey breast. We eat cranberry sauce out of a can and you come up with one starch and one vegetable. We keep the pecan pie because I do want that, and pick up a pumpkin pie to keep it festive. Plus Chris was crushed to learn that November meant the end of the pumpkin pie Blizzard, so that might cheer him up." 

"You don't want the whole team?" Buck asked, frowning a little. He folded his hands together. "I thought it'd be nice to have a meal all of us." 

Eddie pushed himself up and turned to face Buck. "I don't want that. I want a quiet holiday. We probably will work most of the day anyway. But Chris and I are going to El Paso for Christmas. It's gonna be big and loud," he said. He reached out and rested his hand on Buck's shoulder. "Slow, quiet, you and Chris is my ideal Thanksgiving, but if you want to do this big deal meal, you know we'll be there. With pie and canned cranberry sauce." 

Buck picked at a thread on his uniform pants, then stood and moved, plopping down next to Eddie on the couch. "You know fresh cranberry sauce is better right?" 

"Nope. Jellied in a can or nothing," Eddie replied. He bumped shoulders with Buck and offered him the clipboard. "If Hen or Chim ask, you took that back by force." 

Buck grinned, taking the clipboard again. He looked over the list, mentally crossing things off. "One starch and one vegetable?" 

Eddie nodded. 

"But what about sweet potato casserole, yeast rolls, mashed potatoes, and where does green bean casserole fall? Is it a vegetable?" Buck asked. He kicked his feet up onto the coffee table and sat back. "Did you know that the green bean casserole is not even a hundred years old? It was created in the 50s. And has been a Thanksgiving staple since the 60s. It was created by a Campbell's employee. And the original only had six ingredients."

"Yeah? Who created it?" Eddie asked. 

"Dorcas Reilly. And originally, it only had the fried onions around the outside, but now it's usually got them all over," Buck said, and then he realized what he was doing. Eddie hadn't asked about green bean casserole. Buck had once again gotten lost on a tangent. "Sorry." 

"What are you apologizing for?" Eddie asked. 

Buck held up the clipboard. "And the word vomit." 

Eddie shook his head. "Don't apologize for being you. I appreciate you telling me about green bean casserole. But I do think it counts as a veggie, though one Chris will absolutely not eat, and neither Chris nor I enjoy sweet potato casserole. Mashed potatoes and yeast rolls sound fine." 

Buck considered that for a second. He patted down his pockets, unable to locate the pen he'd been using before coming upstairs, then looked at his list. "I don't think I like green bean casserole." 

Eddie started to laugh. He bumped into Buck and then pushed himself up to his feet. "You don't have to make something because it's a Thanksgiving staple, Buck. Pick something you like, something that makes you happy." 

Buck watched as Eddie walked away. He looked down at his list again. 

The alarm sounded overhead. Clipboard still in hand, he was up and on his way down the stairs. 

"Who gave him a clipboard?" Hen asked groaning as she started to suit up. 

"Definitely not Eddie," Buck replied. 

"Well that implicates me somehow," Eddie called from the other side of the engine. "Way to throw me under the bus, Buck." 

Buck flushed. He set the clipboard aside and started to throw on his gear. 

"Sorry, Eds," he said a little sheepishly when they were both in the cab of the engine. 

"You're forgiven." Eddie pulled on his headset and adjusted the mic, then leaned in to add. "This time." 

And there was something about that that just made Buck laugh. He pulled on his headset and leaned back in his seat. 

—

They did work on Thanksgiving, but Buck had a plan. Or he seemed to anyway. Eddie knew better than to put all his faith in a single Buck plan. They weren't often as well-thought-out as they should be and half-built on impulse. 

But the day before Thanksgiving, Buck showed up at Eddie's door with a brand new crockpot still in the box. 

"Didn't I give you a key so I wouldn't have to let you in all the time," Eddie complained, but he quickly took the grocery bags dangling dangerously from Buck's fingers and followed him to the kitchen. 

Eddie set the bags on the counter and leaned against it to watch as Buck started to unpack the crockpot. 

"You know I have one of those already, right?" Eddie asked. He had been gifted it by his Tia Pepa when he first moved in. It'd been used by her. By his abuela. Carla had used it. Even Buck. But not once by Eddie. 

"Yeah, but yours just has a knob. This one connects to the wifi, and I can control it with my phone," Buck replied. 

Eddie hummed. "And it will go home with you and live at your apartment after Thanksgiving?" 

Buck shook his head as he pulled out the instruction booklet. "I have no room for this in my kitchen. And my place has like no storage." 

Eddie tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling and begging the universe to slip him a little extra patience. 

"Okay, so this is going to get turned on tomorrow before work, then it'll slow cook through our shift, and I can check on it throughout the day," Buck said. He started shoving all the packing materials back into the now-empty box. 

"And you'll be sleeping on the couch to make sure all that happens before shift tomorrow?" Eddie asked. 

Buck paused, holding the box in his hands. "I was just gonna come over really early." 

"It'll be easier if you stay. Plus Chris doesn't have school tomorrow. He'll be excited to get to stay up a little later with his Buck," Eddie said. 

Buck grinned, nodding. "Oh yeah, that sounds great." Eddie watched him carry the box out to the bins and listened to him breaking it down to fit into recycling before he started to go through the grocery bags. He put every cold into the fridge, but left everything shelf stable on the counter, pushed out of the way. 

"I was thinking," Buck said as he came back inside. "Christmas starts the day after tomorrow, right? Black Friday? Santa is gonna be in the mall. How soon is too soon to go see Santa?" 

Eddie turned to face Buck, and he looked so earnest. Every holiday had felt like such a big deal when it came to Buck, so this shouldn't have surprised Eddie. He leaned back against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. 

"You know, Buck, Chris doesn't really believe in Santa anymore, so I'm not sure he's going to want to go," he said. He caught the deflate, the half-a-second of disappointment Buck showed before he managed to mask it. 

"Oh right. That makes sense. Of course." He gave Eddie a tight smile and then looked away. 

Eddie shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. "Let me talk to Chris about it. He might still be up for a Santa visit. It's really about the spirit of Christmas anyway, right?" 

Buck's eyes were bright when they snapped back to Eddie. Hope. He looked hopeful. And Eddie wanted more than anything to take Buck to see Santa. His biggest concern was that taking Buck to see Santa without Christopher was going to be crossing over a line he had placed himself. That crossed over into the things he couldn't do because he and Buck were just friends. Two grown friends. No dynamics. No headspaces. Just friends. 

When Buck left to go get the turkey breast he'd been brining and his stuff for overnight, Eddie went to pick up Christopher from his after-school club. 

"Hey Chris, how was your day?" he asked as his son got in the truck. 

"Great! We had a mini Thanksgiving in after school club, though it was just pie. I'm excited for tomorrow," Christopher replied. "Is Buck at home?" 

Eddie pulled out onto the road. "He will be soon. He's going to spend the night. I had something I wanted to run by you." He pulled to a stop at a red light, tapping his fingers against his steering wheel. 

"Yeah?" Christopher asked. 

Eddie glanced at his son, then back at the road in time to see the light turn green. "I thought maybe we could go see Santa this year. Maybe at the mall or the tree lighting?" He glanced again to see Christopher's eyebrows knit together. 

"Dad, I'm twelve. I don't believe in Santa anymore. 

"I know, mijo, I do know that, but I think Buck really wants to go. It seems important to Buck." Eddie had no idea how to better explain why they should go to see Santa. 

"Does Buck believe in Santa?" Christopher asked. He sounded a little suspicious.

"No, no, but he's feeling the holidays this year, and I think seeing Santa is just part of that. And I think it will make him happy," Eddie replied.  

"Oh," Christopher said, voice suddenly very soft. "I want Buck to be happy. We can go see Santa." 

Eddie reached out and gently ruffled Christopher's hair. "Thanks, kid. I think it'll make him very happy." 

And that was it, the only reason. 

The next twenty-four hours couldn't have gone better. Christopher managed to convince Eddie that he needed to camp out in the living room with Buck. It had almost been all of them in the living room, but Eddie asserted that Dad was too old and needed to sleep in a bed; he was willing to let Buck be the fun one. The only other option was to sleep with Buck on the pullout couch, and that definitely couldn't happen. 

He fell asleep to the sounds of Christopher's giggles and Buck's muffled storytelling. 

His alarm went off and by the time he was out of the shower and shuffling out to the kitchen in his jeans and an undershirt, Buck was already up, fully dressed, and getting the crockpot set up. Buck grinned when he saw Eddie and opened his mouth to launch into some explanation of something, but Eddie put his hand up. 

"Not yet," he said. "You can tell me everything your heart desires on the way to work. After I've had my coffee." 

Buck's grin turned a little sheepish, and he pointed to the coffee pot. "Just finished brewing." 

"Gracias a Dios," Eddie said, then pulled two mugs down from the cupboard and filled them. He slid one toward Buck and took his to the kitchen table. 

Eddie sat down and took his first sip of coffee; it was perfect. Everything he needed it to be and he leaned his head back, eyes falling closed as he savored it. 

He let himself take a few more sips of coffee before he opened his eyes. 

"Alright, tell me what you're doing, Buck," he said. 

Buck glanced at him. "You said on the way to work." 

"I know, but you made coffee." He waved his hand at Buck in a "get on with it" gesture. 

"Well, I cut up some onions and peeled whole cloves of garlic, and all that is at the bottom, and it keeps the turkey breast off the bottom of the crockpot and up out of the liquid that will come off while it cooks. Plus all that liquid is gonna become gravy later," Buck said. He put the lid on the crockpot and carried his coffee to the table. 

Eddie took another drink from his mug and nodded. "Right, so it'll cook in the crockpot all day while we are at work, and then be ready when we get back." 

"I'm going to cut it to keep warm probably two hours before we get off. But before it gets served, I'm going to put it under the broiler so the skin can get crisp. And everything else will come together in that time too," Buck said. 

"Now there are two crockpots in my house I don't use," Eddie said, downing his coffee and standing to rinse his mug. 

Buck gestured toward the crockpot. "This one has presets and stuff. And I can show you how to use it on your phone. You could just do a dump and go. Prep chopped meat and veg with some seasoning ahead of time, throw it in to cook in the morning, and you'll come home to dinner sorted. Can't be much harder than your current frozen food routine" 

"And take away your incredible privilege of feeding the Diaz men a few times a week? I'll throw that thing in the yard right now. And the other one for good measure," Eddie replied, leaning back against the counter, trying not to grin.

Buck smiled down into his mug and then looked up at Eddie. "I'd prefer you didn't when I've got almost 48 hours into this turkey breast already. Besides, I meant it could replace the frozen meals. I'm pretty sure you're single-handedly keeping the foster farms prepared frozen foods department afloat these days." 

"Ha ha, Evan," Eddie said, turning to open the fridge. He pulled out two yogurts. "Peach or black cherry?" 

"Peach," Buck replied. 

Eddie grabbed spoons and handed one and the yogurt to Buck. "Have a banana too." 

"Yes, sir." Buck gave a salute with two fingers and grabbed two bananas from the bowl in the center of the table. He slid one over. But Eddie was stuck. Because Buck so flippantly calling him sir did things to him. He wanted to hear it sincerely. He wanted to hear it just dripping with attitude. He wanted to hear it forced through Buck's teeth. 

"Eds? Eddie." Buck snapped his fingers and Eddie jumped a little. He shook his head and cursed under his breath. 

"Sorry," he said. He sat down and opened his yogurt. "Early." 

It seemed to mollify Buck and they ate their yogurt quietly. 

They left once Carla got there. Buck drove. 

"I was wrong," Eddie said. "Chris is actually up for Santa. Maybe we wait and go next weekend. Miss the Black Friday mayhem."

"That's amazing. I'm so hyped for this. We are going to have such a great Christmas," Buck said with a grin. "I figured I could try my hand at Christmas cookies and let all the 118 kids decorate. With hot cocoa." 

"That sounds great. And hey, I was thinking. Why don’t you come to El Paso with Chris and me?" Eddie wasn't sure about asking, but he also sort of really wanted to spend Christmas with Buck. 

But Buck didn't reply right away and when Eddie glanced at him, he had his lower lip pulled between his teeth. 

"No pressure," Eddie added, but he felt like he'd put all the pressure. 

"That's not... no... I would love to go with you, but I don't have any vacation left and I already told Bobby I'd work a 24. I figured if I worked the full day, others could take off to be with their families." 

Eddie could have smacked himself. "Oh, right. Florida was your vacation time for the year. I forgot about that." 

"I appreciate the offer," Buck said. "The answer would be yes if I could."

Eddie nodded, glancing out the window. It was still dark out, but he could just see light starting to peek over the horizon to the east. He liked the quiet mornings. He liked even more spending them with Buck. 

Inviting Buck to El Paso had been impulsive. He hadn't asked Christopher. He hadn't talked to his parents. He was even sure if it would have been okay but he found that he didn't care. He would have fought with anybody who tried to tell him no. That worried him. He didn't think that was a friend feeling. 

Their shift was busy. They barely had any downtime at the house all day. Two deep-fried turkey grease fires, a couple of small kitchen fires, three car accidents, and a few other small calls. No major injuries. Only two people ended up needing to go to the hospital. 

Buck basically vibrated the whole day. He told anybody who stood still long enough for him to get started about his turkey. He showed off the app and how it had the temperature of the machine currently and he could adjust it. 

And Eddie just watched him with this fond feeling settled in his chest. The others tolerated Buck, for the most part until the end of their shift when Chimney groaned. 

"Buckley, for the love of god, I can't hear about your turkey again." 

Buck backed off, but pretty quickly beelined for Eddie and bumped into him. He had that kicked-dog look that always went right to Eddie's heart.

Eddie wrapped his arm around Buck's shoulder. "He's just jealous he's not invited," he murmured. "Remind me what needs to happen when we get back to the house." 

Buck leaned into Eddie's touch. "Potatoes to boil, rolls and green beans in the oven. Broil the turkey and make the gravy." 

"And open the cranberry sauce," Eddie added. 

Buck snorted. "Right, of course. How'd I forget that one?" 

Eddie squeezed with his arm and pulled away. "Because you're a hater. Let's get the engine sorted so we can go home." 

Dinner was spectacular. Carla's husband joined them. They went around the table before they started serving and each said what they were thankful for. Eddie was thankful for Buck. He was thankful for the love and the kindness that this man brought into his life. He was thankful that Buck loved his son. That Buck would do anything for Christopher. But he didn't say that. Instead, he bumped Buck with his shoulder and said, "Friends." 

"Family," Buck said. "This family here around the table. And the rest of the 118." 

After dinner, Carla and her husband took their dessert to go and Eddie bullied Buck out of the kitchen so he could clean up. 

When he finished, he went out to the living room and stopped short when he saw Christopher and Buck. 

They each had a controller in their hands, but they hadn't gotten as far as actually playing because the screen was still on the start-up menu. Christopher had his head against Buck's shoulder and Buck's head was resting against the top of Christopher's. Both were fast asleep. 

Eddie's heart felt like it would burst. He pulled out his phone and snapped a picture. He sent it to the 118 group chat. 

Eddie: Thanksgiving has claimed its first two victims 

Chimney: Evan Buckley quiet. What a rare sight. 

A picture of Denny asleep on the couch came through.

Hen: victim #3  

Chimney: I'm not sure a Jee understands the spirit of Thanksgiving yet. She's wide awake. Maybe that's just not enough turkey. A lot ended up on the floor. 

Eddie laughed. He texted a Happy Thanksgiving and tucked his phone away. He stole Buck's controller and sat on the floor in front of the coffee table starting up a game on his own. 

He was right in the middle of a game when a warm body sat down next to him a while later. 

"Good nap?" he asked. 

Buck leaned his head against Eddie's shoulder. He yawned. "Yeah. Dinner was good?" 

"Amazing, Buck. You did a great job," Eddie said. 

"Good, I'm glad," Buck murmured and in seconds, he was dozing again. 

Eddie took stock of the moment, of the meal they shared, the laughs, of Christopher asleep on the couch, Buck asleep on his shoulder. This might be happiness, he thought.

December 

Buck settled down a little after Thanksgiving, but only because he was sure everyone was tired of his holiday spirit. Internally, he was still very excited for Christmas, and he had planned everything he wanted to do. See Santa with Christopher and Eddie, decorate cookies with the 118 kids, and Christmas lights with cocoa with anybody who will go with him (Eddie and Christopher). He was bummed about El Paso, but he made Christmas Eve plans with the Buckley-Han household and he was working 9 am to 9 am the next day, so it was fine. He'd be busy. And Eddie promised they'd be back for New Year's. It was the end of the second week of December when they got called out for an office Christmas party gone wrong. 

Somebody was dating somebody else's ex and she'd come to the Christmas party. A fight ensued and it got rough. Some bystanders had been roughed up and one of the fighters had gone through the glass wall of an office. 

The guy who went through the wall had to go to the hospital as well as a woman who'd been shoved and hit her head on a desk. Other than that, everyone was okay. Buck was just checking in with the last few people before they could be released to go home while Hen and Chimney patched up a few small injuries.  

"Firefighter Buckley," said a voice behind him. Buck frowned because he recognized it, but he couldn't place it, so he turned around and looked up right into Tyler's face. Fuck. 

"Are you injured, sir?" he asked, forcing a polite tone. 

"Yeah, I probably should be checked out," Tyler replied. He had this expression on his face that made Buck uneasy. Not quite a smile, not quite a smirk. 

Tyler sat down on a desk while Buck started to run through the usual questions. 

"I was disappointed our playdate was cut short," Tyler said, his voice low in volume and casual. 

Buck didn't reply. He wasn't sure what reply was even appropriate. What did Tyler want from him? 

"I was hoping we could try again, but it seems like you blocked me," Tyler said. 

"That's usually what you do when you don't want to talk to somebody," Buck said as he checked the man's pupils. 

Tyler hummed. "Pity. I could have been very good for you." 

"Slapping does tend to put a damper on those sorts of things," Buck replied. "You're fine, sir. You're free to go." 

He started to turn away, but Tyler's hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. 

Buck didn't want to make a scene here, not in front of these people. Not in front of his team. He turned his body so nobody could see Tyler's hold on him and glared. "Remove your hand." 

"Or what?" Tyler asked, tightening his grip to the point that it was painful. "Do they know about you? Your team? Do they know what you like to do in your spare time? I bet they'd be interested to know, huh?" 

Buck tugged his arm as discretely as he could, but he wasn't sure he could break the hold without it being noticed. 

He glanced back over his shoulder. Eddie was talking to Bobby in the corner. Hen and Chimney were cleaning up their supplies. They'd be on their way back to the firehouse soon. But would that ride back be awkward? Would his team know his deepest secret? That wasn't what he wanted at all. 

Buck swallowed and looked back at Tyler. "That's my team," he said his voice quiet, but steely. "My family. And they love me. They would love me regardless of what you tell them. But go ahead. Tell them whatever you want. Just keep in mind that every one of them looked at the dark purple handprint on my face when I showed up to work the next morning. I bet they'd be interested to know you're the one who put it there." 

Tyler frowned looking behind Buck, then back at him.

Buck waited to continue until Tyler's eyes were back on him. He kept his voice low. "And Eddie. See the angry-looking guy leaning against the wall? He's ex-military. He already knows everything. He knows that you slapped me when I was little for not sitting still. I don't think I've ever seen him so mad. You know he asked me every day for almost two weeks to give up your name? The only reason I didn't was because I was worried he'd end up in jail. And frankly, you're not worth the ride to the station. So, let go of me now, or I'll make a fucking scene." 

Tyler's grip dropped immediately as if he'd been burned. 

"Fuck, okay. You're not worth my time anyway. Can't even follow basic directions," he spat. Buck turned and walked away. He felt shaken, and he wanted to go. He wanted to never have to lay eyes on Tyler again. 

He helped pack everything up and take it back to the engine. It wasn't until he was buckled into his seat that he felt he could relax again. He leaned his head against the window, exhausted and ready for the day to be over. 

Eddie bumped him with his knee. 

"You okay?" he asked. 

Buck offered a quick smile. "Tired." 

"That last guy you looked at looked a little friendly. You two know each other?" Chimney asked and Buck silently cursed. Of course, they'd noticed. 

"Acquaintances," Buck replied. He shrugged. "Just some guy." 

Buck could feel Eddie's body stiffen from where their knees still touched.  

Don't look, don't look, don't look, he told himself, but he couldn't help it. He wasn't surprised by the stormy expression on Eddie's face. 

"Some guy," Eddie repeated. 

Buck shifted a little in his seat. He looked out the window for the rest of the drive back to the firehouse. 

Eddie followed him to his locker. 

"We have plans tomorrow," Buck said, not looking back as he started to unbutton his shirt. "Santa. Transformers. I already bought the tickets. Having to bail you out of jail is not on the schedule." 

"Did he touch you?" Eddie asked. "You blocked us from seeing whatever was going on." 

Buck glanced down at his wrist. There was a red mark from where Tyler had grabbed him. He rubbed at it. 

"I'm fine," Buck said. He groaned when Eddie's hand gripped his forearm and extended out his arm. 

"He was right there hurting you while we were what, fifteen feet away? The whole team." Eddie gently rubbed his thumb across the marks. 

Buck leaned his head against the locker, watching Eddie. "He threatened to tell everybody." 

Eddie stroked his thumb over the redness one more time and pulled back. He sighed. "I hate this." 

Buck wanted to reach out and touch Eddie. He wanted so badly to comfort him, to assure him that he was okay. He could feel Eddie's body heat, he was so close, and Buck was sure nothing would feel better than letting that warmth envelop him. 

He gripped the bottom of his shirt instead and tugged it up from where it was tucked into his pants. He was so ready for his bed. "Threatened him with you," he said softly.  

Eddie laughed after a second. "Did you?" 

"Told him the only reason I never told you his name was because I was worried you'd go to jail. He's not worth the ride to the station," Buck said. 

Eddie didn't reply at first, but then he lifted his hand and gently bumped his fist against Buck's shoulder. "No," he said. "But you are." 

Buck could feel his face grow suddenly hot and he looked away. It felt sometimes like the lines were blurry between them. As if they were friends and more than friends and everything and nothing all at once.  

It felt like if only Eddie could love him, everything would be okay. 

"I need to go pick up Chris," Eddie said. "I'll see you in the morning. Remember you're driving." 

Buck looked up again. "Absolutely. I'll see you bright and early."

Eddie pointed at him, raising an eyebrow. "Not too early. Some of us like to sleep on our days off." 

Buck smiled and put his hands up in front of him. "Okay, okay, not too early." 

Eddie smiled. "Good. Have a good night, Buck." He turned and walked away.

"You too," Buck called after him, then slumped forward against his locker. Why did all of this have to be so complicated? 

—

The first thing Eddie heard as he woke up was the sound of Christopher's laugh. It was a sound he loved, a sound he would die for, but when he looked at the clock, it was only 7:07 am.

He groaned and grabbed his phone. 

Eddie: This counts as too early. 

He dropped the phone on the bed and threw his arm over his eyes. He got a mere seconds of quiet before it buzzed a few times in succession.

There was a picture of a coffee from Amour, the best, in Eddie’s opinion, coffee shop between home and the firehouse.

Buck: so... should I take this and go? 

Buck: Chris says he's going too. 

Buck: he suggested donuts. He might be on to something. 

Eddie: bring me the coffee and you can have the kid 

Buck: wow. I won't be telling him his father is trading him for a cup of coffee. 

Eddie: EVAN 

The door opened. "Yikes, you don't have to yell," Buck said as he walked in holding the coffee.

Eddie sat up, holding out his hand. "Santa won't even be there until 10." 

Buck handed him the cup of coffee and crossed his arms. "What if we can't find parking? What if there is a line? We have to be prepared." 

Eddie squinted up at him. "Go get donuts. Do you need cash?" 

"I..." Buck paused. "No? I have my card. We just got paid." 

Eddie took a big drink of his coffee before he set it aside and tossed the covers back to climb out of bed. "If Chris wants donuts, he wants to go to La Estrella, the panaderia on Swan," he said. He grabbed his uniform pants and fished his wallet out of the pocket. He had a twenty and a five and offered both to Buck. "La Estrella only takes cash. I want a concha and a pumpkin empanada. Chris will know what to get." 

Buck stood there holding the cash. "Okay," he said after a second. 

Eddie yawned and dropped back down onto his bed, grabbing his coffee again. 

"We'll be back," Buck said after a second, then turned and left the room. 

The house was blissfully quiet when the front door shut and Eddie debated going back to sleep, but he was up. He might as well be up for real. He headed for the shower and took his time before he dried off and got dressed in jeans and a sweater. 

He was sitting at the kitchen table drinking his coffee when Buck and Christopher returned. 

"Dad, Buck has never been to a panaderia before," Christopher called. Eddie could hear the shuffle of boots and coats coming off in the entryway. 

"He's a white boy, Chris, I don't know what to tell you," Eddie replied. He smiled as Christopher walked into the kitchen, followed by Buck who carried the box. 

"He got like everything, Dad." 

"Not everything," Buck said, setting the box down and opening it. "But how could I walk away from this pig?" 

He held up the familiar brown pastry. 

"My abuela makes the best cochinitos," Eddie replied, reaching forward to take a concha. "You've lived in LA for what, five years? And you've never been to a panaderia? What have you been doing?" 

Buck frowned and dropped into a chair. "I don't eat a lot of pastries," he said and then he took a bite of the cochinito. He groaned. "I've been missing out." 

Eddie couldn't help but laugh as he watched Buck devour his pastry and go in for more. 

He sat back, biting into his own. There was something so perfect about this moment. Christopher was teasing Buck, which the man was taking and laughing along. Buck seemed determined to try everything. Eddie barely managed to save his empanada, though all Buck had to do was give him that kicked puppy look and Eddie broke the empanada in half. 

This could be forever, and Eddie wouldn't mind at all. 

They ended up at the mall an hour early. They got great parking and there was absolutely no line to see Santa as he wouldn't be there for an hour. Plus the mall was open, but most of the stores either were not yet or in the process of opening, so they couldn't do some shopping to pass the time.  

"Okay, okay," Buck said. "You were right." 

"I could have slept at least another hour," Eddie replied, leaning back against the bench. 

"I was already awake when Buck came," Christopher said, grinning. "Saturday morning cartoons are the best." 

Buck laughed. "Chris knows what's up. I used to always watch Saturday morning cartoons. Lucky Charms and Recess , Pokémon , and Doug . What a time." 

"It's different now. Chris just watches cartoons on streaming. They don't show like they did when we were kids. I think it takes some of the magic out of it all," Eddie said. 

Buck waved a hand. "Spirit's the same, right Chris?" 

"Yeah!" Christopher replied. "Plus it's more fun than sleeping all morning, Dad." 

"Uh-huh," Eddie said, leaning forward to tickle his son's ribs. "Says the kid who regularly slept through breakfast time last summer." 

Christopher wriggled, laughing and batting at Eddie's hands. "I was younger then!" he said. "Buck! Help!" 

Buck was up on his feet and he looked ready to extract Christopher from the situation, but Eddie used the opportunity to just switch victims. He'd learned early on that Buck was very ticklish, and he used that knowledge to his advantage as often as possible. 

"Wait, wait!" Buck cried out as Eddie's fingers dug into his sides. "Chris!" 

Christopher leaned back panting. "What am I supposed to do? You're both bigger than me!" 

Buck laughed, pushing at Eddie's hands and trying to move back away from the bench, but Eddie followed. 

Eventually, Buck managed to get his hands around both of Eddie's wrists, pushing him back against the wall and pinning him there. 

Eddie leaned his head back, smiling. "What's your plan now, Buck? I'm not ticklish." But Buck was so close. He bit at his lower lip as he considered his options. Eddie wanted desperately to bite his lip too. He would bet money it would make Buck moan. Eddie wanted to hear that almost as much as he still wanted to know what Daddy sounded like out of his mouth. 

"A truce," Buck offered. "I let you go. You don't tickle me or Chris." 

"I'm not sure that's a fair deal," Eddie said. "Two for one?" 

"I cook dinner," Buck said, eyes flicking up to meet Eddie's. 

"Shake on it?" Eddie asked. 

Buck looked like he wasn't sure he trusted Eddie, but he released his wrists and stepped back before he held out his hand. 

Eddie took his hand and shook it firmly before going back to sit with Christopher. He bumped his son with his shoulder. "You good?" 

Christopher leaned against him. "I'm good. You're silly, Dad." 

Eddie brushed Christopher's hair back and kissed his forehead. "I like being silly with you, mijo," he said. 

"And Buck!" Christopher said.

Eddie looked up, right into those bright blues, and smiled. "Yeah, and Buck." 

Buck's cheeks turned red and he ducked his head. 

"Let's go walk a little," Eddie said. 

They got down to the other end of the mall and walked back in time to see people starting to line up and the workers dressed as elves getting everything ready. 

As soon as they were in line, Buck started to vibrate. Eddie pressed their shoulders together, just hoping to keep him grounded. 

Soon enough Santa arrived. They were only fifth or so in line, so the wait wasn't very long at all. Christopher seemed really into it, which made Eddie happy, and then as he finished and they got his picture, Eddie bumped Buck with his shoulder. 

"Go sit with Santa, Buck," he said. 

"What? No... I'm too old for that," Buck replied, his face turning red again. 

"You're never too old for Santa!" Christopher called. 

"See. Go on. We'll get a picture and put it up in a frame with Christopher's." 

Buck looked at him, his eyes scanning his face like he was trying to read him. "Do you really think it's okay?" he asked, his voice quiet. 

Eddie gripped his arm, gently squeezing. "I do. Go sit with Santa, Buck. Chris and I will be right here." He gave Buck a soft push, just really pressure, but it was enough. Eddie moved to stand by Christopher. 

The smile on Buck's face when he got to Santa was everything. Buck hugged him, then sat on his lap, talking quietly for a moment before he posed for a picture. 

Christopher slid his hand into Eddie's. "He does look really happy, Dad," he whispered. 

Eddie smiled. He squeezed Christopher's hand. "Yeah, he does." 

Buck was a little pink in the face but smiling when he came over to them. "That was pretty fun," he said. 

Eddie ushered them both out of the way. "Good. Why don't you two go get snacks for the movie while I get the pictures sorted? I'll meet you at the theater." 

Buck didn't even have time to respond before Christopher slipped his hand from Eddie's and grabbed Buck's, leading him away. "We're getting popcorn for sure." 

Buck laughed, and it sounded like he agreed as they got further away. 

Eddie filled out the form. The pictures were all digital, so as soon as they were done for the day, they would touch them up and send the link to Eddie's email. He tucked the receipt into his wallet and started toward the theater. 

The pictures of Buck and Christopher went into a double frame two days later when Eddie could get to Walgreens to print them. He put it on the mantle, a place of pride among all the other Christmas decorations. It made him smile every time he walked by. 

Eddie awoke to someone poking him in the cheek. He groaned, turning his face away, but the poking followed. 

"Chiquito, please," he groaned. 

"It's Christmas." 

Shit. Right. Eddie rolled over. In the early morning light, he could just make out the shape of Buck's face, but he reached out and gently cupped his cheek. 

"Do you think Santa came?" Buck whispered. 

Eddie stroked his thumb across Buck's cheek. "Of course he did. You've been such a good boy."  Buck squirmed a little. He seemed caught between wanting Eddie's touch and wanting to go see what Santa brought. 

"You can go," Eddie said. "I'll be right out. You can open your stocking, but we wait for Chris for presents, okay?" 

Buck nodded quickly. He squirmed but waited until Eddie had kissed his forehead to roll off the bed and practically run for the door. 

Eddie rubbed a hand over his face and stifled a yawn as he glanced at his clock. 6:13. Honestly later than he thought Buck would make it. 

After a second, Eddie let his eyes fall shut again. Buck would be occupied with his stocking long enough for Eddie to sleep just a few more minutes. 

When Eddie opened his eyes again. The room was full of light, but he didn't remember where he was at first. Just a few seconds ago, he'd been in his bedroom with Buck. 

Fuck, he thought as he looked around his abuela's guest room. He wasn't home. He was in El Paso. And Buck wasn't there. That had been a dream. A really good dream, but at the same time a fucking nightmare. He sat up, scrubbing a hand over his face. 

His phone started to ring on the nightstand and he grabbed it without looking. 

"Hello?" 

"Feliz Navidad!" Buck shouted from the other end. Eddie pulled the phone away. He forced a laugh, but it felt like there was an anvil in the pit of his stomach. 

"Merry Christmas to you too, Buck," he said. His voice was still rough from sleep. 

"Did I wake you?" Buck asked. 

"No, no," Eddie said. He glanced at the clock. Just after 7:30. "But I know it's not even six there. Why are you up?" 

"I get excited for Christmas is all," Buck said, sounding a little sheepish. "I've been up since four." 

"Please try to get some sleep before you have your twenty-four-hour shift," Eddie said. "I appreciate that you didn't call me at four your time." 

Buck snorted, "I don't have a death wish, Edmundo.” 

That made Eddie laugh. "Coulda fooled me, Buckaroo," he said shaking his head. "I should get up and go see if my abuela needs help, but I'll video call with Chris later, alright?" 

"Alright! I'll try to get a little more sleep. Hug Chris for me."

"Will do," Eddie said. He hung up and dropped his phone on the bed beside him. He was so fucked. 

January 

Something changed when Eddie got back from El Paso, something Buck couldn’t figure out. They talked still, joked still, and continued to do all the things they’d been doing before he left, but it felt like there was distance between them that had never been there before. Or at least not since August. 

It worried Buck. They’d been fine when he dropped them off at the airport three days before Christmas. Eddie had even volunteered to drive the night before when they went out to look at Christmas lights. “So you can focus on the lights, Buck,” he’d said. Buck almost always drove when they were together. 

But they were fine. Texted the whole time they were gone. 

Had he done something? Maybe he had. Maybe the distance just gave Eddie the room to think about it. 

Buck hated it. He hated this feeling. And he needed desperately for them to get over it. So he showed up at Eddie’s house with a bottle of tequila. They hadn’t made plans and because of that, Buck worried about using his key, so he knocked. 

It took a few minutes. He stood there and felt awkward. Maybe Eddie wasn’t even home. The truck was in the driveway, but he still might have gone out. He was just about to leave when the door flew open. Eddie looked… well Eddie looked perfect. And he’d definitely been asleep. His hair was sticking up on one side and there were blanket lines on his face. 

Eddie groaned. “You have a key!” he turned and walked back toward the living room. 

“We didn’t have plans. I didn’t want to just walk in,” Buck said, following. He closed the door and locked it behind him. 

“You have a key, Buck,” Eddie repeated. He dropped down onto the couch, rubbing at his face. 

“No Chris?” 

“Sleepover,” Eddie replied. 

“You eat?” Buck asked. He toed off his shoes and sat down opposite Eddie on the couch. 

“Had the rest of the risotto when I got home this afternoon, but I was thinking about ordering pizza," Eddie said pulling out his phone.

Buck held up the bottle of tequila. "This goes well with pizza."

Eddie paused, looking at Buck for a second before he leaned forward and took the bottle. He held it in his hands and then laughed, shaking his head. "El Jimador. This is what I drink. You don't like tequila." 

"I can drink tequila," Buck replied quickly. 

Eddie set the bottle on the coffee table before he stood and headed into the kitchen. "Not what I said, Buck. Did you get limes?" 

"You don't drink it with lime," Buck called after him. Part of him wanted to follow Eddie, but he heard the cupboard open and the glasses clinking together. He was just getting glasses. He'd be right back. Buck couldn't follow him around like a lost puppy. 

"Yeah, but you don't like tequila," Eddie replied as he walked back into the living room with the glasses. 

"I don't dislike tequila," Buck said. He sat back on the couch, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Eddie opened the bottle and poured into both glasses before capping it and setting it aside. "Don't give me that look. You always make a face."

Buck held his hand out for his glass. "What look? What face?"

"The kicked puppy look that you've got right now because I'm telling you the truth. You don't like tequila. And the face everyone makes when they drink an alcohol they don't like. Or is shitty. And this isn't shitty tequila." Eddie handed over the glass. 

Buck took a drink. He could drink tequila. He could enjoy it. He tried hard to keep his face neutral, but he could tell by the way Eddie had to look away from him to keep from laughing that he hadn't succeeded. So he took another big drink. Yep. It was bad. But it was Eddie's drink. He bought a bottle of Eddie's favorite liquor on purpose. Some sort of peace offering to bridge the gap between them that Buck had no idea how to fix, but was desperate to. 

Eddie looked over at him and took a drink. "Mm, how delicious. My favorite," he said and he didn't even try to hide his smirk. 

"Fuck off, Diaz. Order pizza and put on a movie, will you?" 

"Oh yes sir," Eddie replied, taking another sip before moving to his phone. "Inferno or Ma's?" 

"Inferno has that two for one right now," Buck replied. 

Over the next few hours, they drank, ate pizza, and played a few rounds of video games, but somewhere between drinks four and five, Buck hit a second wind of hunger and ate another few slices of the now cold pizza before collapsing back on the carpet. 

"Why two pizzas?" he groaned. He rested one hand on his stomach, the other keeping his mostly empty glass on his chest. 

“You’re the one who suggested it,” Eddie laughed. He’d sunk into the couch. He looked relaxed and pliable. Buck was sure nothing would feel as good as crawling onto the couch and snuggling up with him, but he couldn’t do that. So he stayed on the floor. He did try to sit up, though, and he learned he was too close to the coffee table and smacked his head into the edge. 

“Fuck,” he groaned. He rubbed at his head. 

“You’re a walking accident, Buckley. Don’t hurt yourself,” Eddie laughed. He drained his glass and pushed himself forward to pour another. 

Buck slid his glass forward across the table. “I can handle a little pain.” 

“Maybe just don’t go looking for it so often,” Eddie replied as he poured more tequila into Buck’s glass. 

Buck snorted, pulling his hand back and taking a drink. The tequila wasn’t so bad now, actually. But his mouth had gone a little numb at some point between drink two and half a meat feast pizza. “Maybe I like a little pain,” he said. 

Eddie raised an eyebrow. “Watch out, Buck, your masochism is showing.”

Buck took another long drink from his glass and set it down on the table before flopping back on the carpet. “I’m a kinky guy. I’m not ashamed of it.” 

Eddie didn’t reply immediately, but he leaned forward to look at Buck. “Don't be ashamed. Just be careful," he said, and he sounded so serious that Buck couldn't help but laugh. He threw his arm over his eyes. 

"So serious. Serious Dom Eddie," he laughed to himself, but his mood shifted so quickly and he sighed. "I am careful anyway. Usually. Tyler was a fluke. And it's not like a couple of smacks in my little headspace is gonna be a deal breaker anyway. I just didn't know." He waved a hand. 

"What do you mean you didn't know?" Eddie asked. And his voice was quieter now, a little softer. It made Buck push himself up a little on his elbows to look at him. 

"I need the rules and the consequences so I can know what to do and what happens if I misbehave. Do this and you get spanked. It makes sense. I know the rules. But I didn't know the rules. He told me what to do in a voice that meant I was in trouble, but I didn't know what would happen, and it made everything feel bad." 

"And then he hit you," Eddie said. 

Buck sat up. He pulled his knees to his chest wrapping his arms around them. "Yeah. And I left. If I don't know the rules, I have to figure it all out on my own. And I always do it wrong. Everybody gets angry." 

Eddie fell back against the couch, tequila in hand. "Buck…" 

Buck frowned. "If I know the rules, I can be good. I want to be good. If I'm good, someone will want me, right? That's how it works." 

Eddie shook his head. "Chris doesn't always follow the rules. He misbehaves. But it doesn't mean I don't love him. I love him always. Unconditionally." 

Buck unfolded from himself. He didn't want to think about the way Eddie loved. He didn't want to think about what unconditional would feel like from him. He leaned forward and grabbed his drink, draining it. 

"Maddie is the only one whose love has ever come without conditions," he said. He grabbed the bottle and poured more into his glass, aware that Eddie's eyes were on him. 

He grabbed his phone. "Why is it so quiet?" He pulled open Spotify and clicked on one of his playlists. The volume wasn't very loud, but it was good. He set it on the table. "This music from when we were in middle school is dad rock now. Did you know that? Dad rock. When did I get so old?" 

He looked up and noticed Eddie just watching him. "You're even older," he said, smiling. "At least I'm younger than you, huh?" He laughed and took another drink before letting himself fall back on the carpet again. 

"If you're to the point of calling me old. I think I'm cutting you off," Eddie said. He stood and picked up the bottle, heading to the kitchen. He came back a minute or so later with two bottles of water. He unscrewed the lid on one and set it on the table. 

"You're such a dad," Buck groaned. "I'm finishing this." He held up his glass. 

"By all means. Drink the water too, though," Eddie replied. 

Buck lifted his head enough to sip his tequila. It didn't taste like anything anymore. He drained it and set the empty glass next to his head before he relaxed back again. He looked up at the ceiling. 

"Are you even drunk right now?" he asked. "You seem totally fine." 

"I wouldn't operate heavy machinery or make any important life decisions, that's for sure," Eddie said. He finished his drink and swapped it for the still-capped bottle of water. He took a few drinks before he stood again.

Buck watched as Eddie, wobbling a little on his feet, stepped around the coffee table and stopped, looming over Buck. He was standing between Buck and the overhead light, leaving his face shadowed. It was hard for Buck to make out the expression on his face. "You're blocking my light," Buck said.  

"Yeah, what do you need light for?" Eddie asked. 

"To see your pretty face," Buck said, and then he giggled. 

Eddie held out his hands. "Come on, up. It's time for sleep." 

Buck immediately scrunched up his face. He whined and buried his fingers into the short strands of the carpet. "The carpet is so nice. The carpet is my friend." 

"Evan." His name out of Eddie's mouth sounded like an accusation. 

"Don't say it like that," Buck grumbled

Eddie's hands dropped a little. "What do you mean?" 

"Like I fucked up again. Everyone does it." 

Eddie bent over, offering his hands again. "I'm sorry. I use it when I want to make sure you’re hearing me." 

Buck glanced up at him again. "I always hear you, Eddie." After a second, he took Eddie's hands and let himself be pulled up off the floor. He took and drank half the bottle of water Eddie gave him and then stripped off his hoodie before collapsing onto the couch. 

Eddie left and came back with another bottle of water and a blanket. The water went on the coffee table, and he shook out the blanket before laying it over Buck. 

"Goodnight, Buck," Eddie said softly. 

Buck was quiet. He watched Eddie walk across the room and hit the switch, turning off the light. The light from the kitchen illuminated him just enough that Buck could see him head toward the hall. 

"Eddie," Buck called out. His voice sounded so small to even him and it shook a little. 

Eddie paused, hand against the hallway wall. "Yeah, Buck?" 

"We're okay, right? You and me? You're not gonna leave?" 

There was a beat of silence before Eddie turned and walked a few steps back toward the couch, but he stopped short. "I'm not going anywhere, Evan. I'm always going to be right here. Don't worry. We're okay." 

A knot loosened in Buck's ribcage, and he could breathe a little easier. "Goodnight, Eddie," he said softly. 

Eddie stood there for another half a minute before he murmured another goodnight and disappeared down the hall. 

Buck fell asleep before he even heard the bedroom door close. 

—

Eddie was a lot drunker than he let on, but that wasn’t unusual. Eddie had known from the beginning that Buck was going to end up on the floor eventually. He just didn’t handle tequila well, unlike Eddie could could remember stealing sips from his abuelo’s glass as a child. Which he realized was Very Bad when he’d become a father, but the past was the past. 

What Eddie lacked when drunk was mostly impulse control, something he spent about 90% of his time around Buck period struggling with these days. 

And so he’d sat on the couch, wishing more than anything it would swallow him up whole so he wouldn’t do something he would regret. Because he was pretty sure he’d regret everything he wanted to do. Especially after Buck opened his mouth and started to talk. 

“I like a little pain,” Buck said. 

“I’m a kinky guy,” Buck said. 

Eddie wanted to make him cry. Among a lot of other things. Sure, he’d originally looked at Buck’s FetLife profile and there was a pretty comprehensive list of things he was into, but Eddie hadn’t looked since he’d known it was Buck. He couldn’t connect the things on the list to his best friend. He needed so desperately for them to remain separate. 

That was all a little fucked now. 

Eddie sank onto his bed and dropped his head into his hands. In all honesty, fuck the Buckleys. He was half-desperate to have a word with them about how you’re supposed to love your child. If Eddie ever learned that Christopher equated good behavior to being loved, he was sure it would do him in. He’d have failed as a father. 

He’d wanted Buck since Christmas. Since that fucking dream. It’d hadn’t been real but it was a taste of what could be. He thought he was being normal. He thought everything was the same as it had always been. They were friends. They loved Christopher. They worked together. But Buck’s question, his voice so small, scared there in the dark of the living room told him he was wrong. 

He grabbed his phone. He’d taken a picture of Buck not long after he’d moved to the floor. Proof that Buck couldn’t hold his tequila, he told himself. Buck had his drink resting on his chest as he dangled a piece of pizza over his mouth. “How the ninja turtles eat,” Buck had told him. 

He sent the picture to Maddie before he thought too much about it. 

Eddie: Fuck your parents. 

Eddie: Thank you for making sure someone has always loved him unconditionally. 

He fell back on his bed and glared at his ceiling. It took him a long time to fall asleep. 

February 

"We are just friends," Buck told Maddie. She was sitting at his table while he was writing out a grocery list. 

"Yeah, that's why you're planning a four-course meal for Valentine's Day," Maddie replied. "Of prime rib with two sides. An appetizer, a salad, and a dessert. For Eddie."

"And Chris," Buck added. "Chris is the one I actually asked to be my Valentine. I just can't leave Eddie alone." 

"Mhm," Maddie hummed. 

Buck could tell she didn't believe him. But he couldn't get into all the details. He wasn't even really sure he could tell her that Eddie just didn't want him that way. It was okay. Buck was grateful to have what he did. He just didn't think he could make it sound convincing to his sister.

"Also, Eddie didn't even really get a say in all this," Buck added. "He was told after the fact."

"Right," Maddie said. "Did you get him something?" 

"No, I did not. Because he's not my Valentine. Chris is my valentine, and so I got him chocolate and a video game," Buck said, but he did not tell her that the game he'd gotten was one Eddie had pointed out that he and Christoper wanted to play together. Maddie didn't need that information.

"Also." Buck stood from the table and walked over to the counter. He grabbed a heart bag and carried it back over. "This is for my most favorite niece. I won't see her before because I have shifts all week. 

Maddie looked at the bag a second then smiled at Buck. "You're so sweet to her. Though if you keep buying her stuffed toys, there won't be room for her in her bedroom." She moved the bag over next to her purse. "I shouldn't be surprised you still gravitate toward stuffed toys." 

Buck could feel his brows furrow. "What do you mean?" 

"You loved them when you were little. I'd bring you back one whenever I went somewhere. You'd save up pocket change to buy them yourself," she replied, getting that sort of faraway look she sometimes did when she reminisced on their childhood. She shook her head slightly, eyes crinkling when she looked back at Buck. "That's why you got good at claw machines, don't you remember?" 

Buck frowned a little, looking down at the list. "I remember the claw machine part," he said after a second. He thought of his stuffed dog tucked safely under the pillow upstairs. He'd spent weeks looking at him in the grocery store before he bought him. Back before he left home for good. Every time he went, he'd find himself there in front of the little display until the day there was only one dog left, and he knew he had to buy him. 

"That's okay," Maddie said, reaching out. She gently squeezed his arm. "I love that you're passing it on to Jee." 

When Maddie left, Buck forced himself to sit and finish his list, but as soon as it was done, he took the stairs two at a time and sprawled out on the bed, his hand automatically going under the pillow to pull Peter out and hold him close to his chest. 

He lay there for a long time before he made himself get up and go to the store. 

When he first walked in, he walked by the floral section. There was a display of bears that looked so soft. He paused, reaching out to touch one that had dark brown fur, almost exactly the color of Eddie's hair. It was as soft as he'd hoped. He wanted to rub it against his cheek, something that always helped to soothe him, but he couldn't. He withdrew his hand and forced himself to walk away. 

Buck thought about the bear as he gathered all the ingredients for his Valentine's dinner. But he couldn't. He wouldn't. Maddie's words came back to him. If this was just how he'd always been, was it worth fighting? 

Of course, it was. 

He didn't need to go back to that side of the store anyway. 

But then he realized that he'd forgotten the green onions for the twice-baked potatoes, so he did need to go back across the store to the produce section. And he'd walk right by Floral. 

In his head, Buck thought of his new friend as Eddie Bear. He wouldn't say it out loud and chastised himself for even thinking it. Yeah, the fur matched Eddie's hair almost perfectly. Maybe this is what Eddie would even look like as a bear. The idea of that made him smile. He could imagine Eddie as a big daddy bear so easily. Grumpy and grumbly, protective. Buck had seen that side of him many times with Christopher and even on a few occasions with him. Like when he'd shown up to work after meeting Tyler. It just wasn't a stretch to picture Eddie as a bear. 

Buck worked between two shifts on Valentine's Day so he could get home early enough to do dinner. He was hosting, which he didn't usually do. He felt much more comfortable in Eddie's kitchen than his own these days, but he'd wanted to make it all a little extra special. 

He hadn't been joking when he offered to be Christopher's Valentine, but he hadn't expected him to take it as seriously as he had. The kid had been bummed about a Valentine's dance, a girl he liked, and how he couldn't go by himself to that sort of thing, and the thing was that Buck was looking down the barrel of a Valentine's Day alone too. With even an unrequited love to boot. But he was kind of sick of it. He was sick of all the commercials and the kissy advertising. 

"Romantic love isn't the only love that matters, Chris," he said. "There are so many types of love that exist and deserve to be celebrated. Family. Friends. Pets. All love is good." 

Christopher had looked at him as if not entirely convinced. 

"I love you, Chris," Buck said. "Be my Valentine?" 

And Christopher had laughed a little at first, but then he leaned into Buck and hugged him. "I love you too. I'll be your Valentine, Buck." 

And then it'd been the first thing out of his mouth when Eddie returned from picking up dinner. Eddie had looked a little confused, glancing toward Buck who offered a smile and a shrug. 

"It'll be great," he said. "I'll make a fancy dinner. And it'll be a great way to see that romantic love isn't the only one that matters." 

And yeah, he was bullshitting. He'd been sad and trying to cheer both of them up, but now he was all in, and he was going to show Christopher the best Valentine's Day of his life. 

And he was very excited about it, actually, and he kind of wanted to make it a tradition, but he figured it actually had to go well before that could happen. 

So he made pigs in a blanket (Christopher's favorite), a Caesar salad, twice-baked potatoes, bacon-wrapped asparagus, prime rib, and a rather decadent two-layered chocolate cake for dessert. 

Buck was just plating up the pigs in a blanket when there was a knock. He quickly wiped his hands on his apron and took it off before hurrying to answer the door. 

It was hard not to notice Eddie first in a nice sweater and dark jeans, but Buck forced himself to focus solely on Christopher, his valentine. 

"Happy Valentine's Day, Buck!" Christopher said holding out a bunch of flowers. 

Buck smiled and took the bouquet, careful not to crush them as he hugged Christopher. 

"Happy Valentine's Day, Chris, these are so gorgeous. Thank you so much," he said, and then he took a second to look. Sunflowers and lilies. Not a rose in sight. He glanced at Eddie and was surprised to find him watching. Not two weeks before, they'd been called to the scene of an accident where a flower truck had been t-boned by a minivan. There were roses everywhere. 

Buck had complained that roses were overrated. Why buy expensive, mostly unscented roses when you could instead have lilies or sunflowers? Sunflowers had been Buck's favorite for as long as he could remember, but he loved the smell of lilies the most. He hadn't even known Eddie was listening to him.

"I think I have a vase," he said, trying not to sound as emotional as he felt. "The appetizers just finished. Come in, make yourself comfortable." 

He found a vase under the sink, left over from when Taylor had lived there, and quickly started to trim the ends before getting the flowers into the water. They just looked so stunning. He put them in the middle of the table. "Perfect," he said. "Thank you, Chris, I love them." 

He grabbed two gift bags from the counter. Because he'd fibbed just a little to Maddie. He wouldn’t get Eddie nothing. And it's not like picking up his favorite candy was even a big deal. 

Chris was already at the table with a small plate of pigs in a blanket. Eddie was standing still, watching both of them. 

"Happy Valentine's Day, Chris," he said setting the bag down in front of him. He glanced at Eddie and held up the bag, setting it down on the table too. 

Eddie stepped forward and leaned against the table so he could watch Christopher open his gift. 

"Dad. Look!" Christopher held up the game. "We were just talking about this! Thanks, Buck!" 

"That's pretty cool," Eddie agreed. "We'll have to have Buck over to play with us." 

He glanced back at Buck and peeked into his bag. After a second, he chuckled. "Reeses." 

"The flat ones, even though the gold-wrapped ones are better," Buck said. 

"Difference of opinion," Eddie replied, then winked at Buck. "Even if your opinion is wrong."

Buck snorted and pulled back from the table. "I am rarely wrong about anything." 

Eddie snorted but didn't say anything further. He leaned over to help Christopher pull the plastic from his new game. 

Buck turned and checked on dinner. The prime rib was resting, the asparagus and potatoes were almost done. He turned to toss together the salad. He listened as Christopher started to read through the booklet that came with the game, Eddie chiming in periodically. It was kind of perfect actually. If this was Buck's life, he would be okay with it. Happy, even. 

—

Eddie was already over the moon enough for Evan Buckley and then the bastard had to go and respond to Christopher's first romantic hiccup by recontextualizing Valentine's Day? It was unfair. The universe was basically spitting in Eddie's face at this point. The only thing Eddie could think to do when Christopher told him about the dance and his crush was to commiserate. Love sucks, kid, sorry you had to find out this way. 

But Buck took it, said screw your whole idea of what Valentine's Day is, and did… Buck stuff. Showing once again that he didn't care about the rules. He was going to do things his way. 

Eddie felt grateful he got to witness it. He felt grateful that his son had this man to look up to and to be loved by. Buck loved so fiercely. 

Eddie wanted it. But Christopher had it and that meant the world. 

And to top it all off, Buck made a damn fine prime rib. 

After dinner, when Buck refused to let him help clean up, he and Christopher were set up with a movie. 

When Buck finally joined them, Christopher was asleep. 

"You got a blanket?" Eddie asked. 

"Yeah, up in the closet. I can go grab it," Buck said, but Eddie pushed him back down. 

"You have been on your feet basically since we got here. I can get it." 

Buck rolled his eyes but didn't argue. 

Eddie headed upstairs. He opened the closet, grabbed a blanket from the shelf, and was closing the door when he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. He turned toward the bed. It was unmade and half tucked under the comforter was a dark brown bear. 

Eddie knew he shouldn't. But he found himself sitting on the side of Buck's bed with the little bear in his hands. It was soft. And new. 

They hadn't spoken about any of the little stuff in months. Not since the bruise when Buck said he wasn't going to do it anymore. October? November? But a new friend meant he hadn't given it up, right? That in some small way, Buck still indulged his little side. 

"Eddie, it's literally impossible to get lost in my apartment," Buck said, coming up the stairs. He stopped short at the top though. 

Eddie could see his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed, and it looked like he was searching for something to say. 

Eddie turned and set the bear so it could sit up against the pillows. "What's his name?" he asked. 

"Bear," Buck said. It came out rushed, too quick, and Eddie could tell it was a lie, but he just nodded. He stood, tucking the blanket under his arm. He squeezed Buck's shoulder as he passed. "I'm glad you didn't give it up after all," he said, and he went back to cover Christopher up and to watch the rest of the movie. 

Eddie felt like he was suffocating. No matter how much air he tried to take in, he couldn't get enough.

And every time he closed his eyes, he could see Buck there dangling from the ladder. Lifeless. 

He'd been thrown, hadn't even really known what had happened, but got up, ready to go again when he saw Buck. 

His name came raw from Eddie's throat. 

Everything next happened too fast and too slow all at the same time, like he couldn't get to him fast enough, they weren't moving fast enough, he couldn't drive fast enough. But the moment when he couldn't feel Buck's pulse? The moment he realized his heart wasn't beating? An eternity. It stretched and stretched and seemed never-ending. 

And then he stood in a hospital lobby, soaked to the bone from the rain, and there was nothing he could do. He wasn't supposed to go beyond the doors. His job was to get them there, but this wasn't a stranger. This was Buck. 

He didn't remember driving home. 

He didn't remember unlocking the front door or getting in the shower, but the water was icy when he became aware of it. 

He didn't sleep. He turned the volume all the way up on his ringer. 

He thought about how he'd have to tell Chris. 

Eddie didn't want to live in a world without Buck in it. 

At the hospital, he listened to Christopher talk to Buck. 

"You have to come back," Christopher said. 

Eddie was surprised to find that he was crying. 

"You go on with Carla, okay?" he said. "I'll be right out." 

Eddie didn't move until he was alone and then he stood. He stopped at the edge of the bed looking down at Buck. He was quiet and still in a way that was unnerving and so utterly not like him. He'd slept enough in the bunk next to Buck's to know he was neither quiet nor still in his sleep. 

Eddie gently combed his fingers back through Buck's hair. "I don't know how to move forward without you," he whispered. "You're so intertwined with my whole world that I don't know if I can even take a step without falling right now. Chris is right. You have to come back." 

He stayed for a few more minutes, just gently carding his fingers through the curls before he pulled away. 

I love you , Eddie thought. He was such a coward when it came to Buck. 

He paused in the doorway, just watching for a few more seconds before he went to find Christopher. As he walked away, he prayed to anything and everything that could be listening in the universe that the last words he said to Buck weren't "Go get 'em, cowboy." 

March 

Eddie was missing. That was the biggest problem, wasn't it? 

Buck had a big brother. He had parents who loved him. He hadn't failed at the one thing he'd been born to do. But it came at a cost. 

Two. Three. 

More, the more Buck thought about it. 

Maddie with Doug. Bad enough. 

Maddie with Doug meant no Chimney meant no Jee-Yun. 

Maddie. Jee. 

Eddie. 

He couldn't stay. 

Maddie's happiness was worth giving up on the things he'd never had to begin with. 

And his happiness… well Buck's happiness was always going to include Eddie and Christopher. 

So he broke out. 

The first thing Buck was aware of was the stink of antiseptic. And just the barest hint of Maddie's perfume. He remembered how it clung to the pillow he'd stolen the day she moved out. 

She was the first thing that came into focus when he opened his eyes. 

She cried as she touched his face. His parents were there too. They all crowded around him, touching his face, and his hair. His eyes scanned the room, but when they didn't find who he was looking for, they settled on Maddie. 

Maddie, Maddie, Maddie. 

Buck would never have the parents he'd gotten a taste of. He'd never be able to go back and get a new childhood where they loved him, but he'd always have Maddie.

Sleep pulled him back under. 

Miracle. The doctors used the word miracle. He'd been dead. Buck felt like he'd been hit by a truck. No, he'd been hit by a truck before, or at least crushed by one. This felt worse. But he was grateful to be alive. And he was grateful to see his 118 family as they made their way to see him. 

He hugged Christopher like he never wanted to let go, and then when Eddie hugged him, Eddie was the one who seemed reluctant to let go.

Buck wanted to beg. Choose me , he wanted to say. I chose you . Choose me . But he stayed silent. Because all that mattered to him was that he had them. He got to love them and he'd take that in whatever capacity granted to him. 

Recovery felt different this time. He'd been anxious to go back the last time. Ready while still in a cast to get back to work. But this time, while he physically felt okay, there was something else that made him hesitant. Something a little scared that he couldn't quite place. 

"You died, Buck," Eddie told him late one night in the Diaz kitchen. 

Buck knew that. He did. He'd died. And he'd almost been dead for good. But his team saved him. 

"When does it get easier?" he asked. 

"Every day you wake up a little less surprised to see the world is still there," Eddie replied. 

Too soon, it seemed, Buck was cleared to go back to work. Everything felt so different this time. He was back to normal, fully healthy again, in just a matter of weeks, but something still felt off for him. His body had recovered, but the rest of him? He didn't even know how to begin to heal those parts. 

—

Eddie wanted to confess everything the moment Buck was awake, but it was selfish. He needed time. So Eddie forced himself to wait. And he let Buck recover. Or he tried, but Buck hadn't come out of it all unscathed, even as his body healed, as he went back to work. Something had changed. Buck needed more time. So Eddie held it all back. He didn't need Buck to have one more thing to navigate when he was already struggling. 

They didn't fall back into any sort of routine. Buck came over less. It felt like he was slipping through Eddie's fingers and there was nothing Eddie could do to stop it. 

And Eddie wasn't okay either. How many nights had he woken in a sweat, the image of Buck hanging there fresh in his mind? He'd been dead for over three minutes. What if they couldn't get his heart restarted? What if they'd taken him off the ventilator and his body hadn't remembered how to breathe? It made him want to hold on desperately, but he couldn't do that. He couldn't make this about him. 

Near the end of the month, Buck came over to watch movies. They ordered Chinese food and watched the first two Rocky films with Christopher before it was time for him to go to bed. 

Buck didn't get up to leave after Christopher went to bed, and Eddie started a new movie, a psychological thriller he'd been meaning to watch

The movie was almost over when Eddie heard something. He frowned and muted the TV. After a second, he realized it was rain pounding down on the roof. Not half a minute later his phone buzzed with an alert. 

Buck's buzzed too a few seconds later. 

"Storm," Buck said, looking at the screen. "Next hour or so." 

"You should stay the night," Eddie said. "I don't want you driving in this." 

Buck glanced at Eddie for a second, then nodded. 

When the movie came to its wholly unsatisfying end, Eddie got up and left the room. He returned with a blanket and tossed it over Buck. "See you in the morning," he said. 

And he went to bed. 

The sound of the rain was soothing and helped lull him to sleep. 

Eddie woke up panting, his heart pounding. The same dream. Always the same damned dream. He rubbed his face, trying to calm himself when his whole room lit up. Seconds later thunder rolled through loud enough to make him jump. 

There hadn't been a thunderstorm in LA since that night. A month of beautiful weather. So much for March's in like a lion, out like a lamb.

Another flash of lightning and barely even a second between the peal of thunder, but this time it was followed by a cry in the house. 

Eddie went for Christopher's room immediately, but his son was asleep, unphased by the storm raging outside. 

Buck. 

He ran to the living room. The dim light from the kitchen allowed him to barely make out the blanket-covered lump on the couch. It shook. Eddie could make out the sound of soft, gasping sobs. 

"Buck," he said softly. He put his hand on what he hoped was Buck's back and felt the body underneath the blanket tense. 

The living room lit up for a second before another loud crash rocked the room. 

Buck's body jolted. He let out another cry. 

"Come here," Eddie said, he pulled at the blanket until he could get to the body underneath it. 

Buck seemed reluctant to uncurl from himself until there was another strike of lightning and then he dove for Eddie, clinging to him as he cried. 

"It's okay," Eddie said, voice soft. "It's just a storm." 

But it'd been just a storm the night Buck died too. He wrapped his arms tight around Buck, gently rubbing his back. 

The next was so close. The room lit up and immediately the thunder roared. 

Buck sobbed. "Daddy, please." 

Eddie froze for just a second, not quite believing what he'd heard. 

More lightning; more thunder. Buck said it again. He sounded so small and so scared, and Eddie wanted, more than anything, to fix it all. 

"Come on, chiquito," he murmured. He pulled Buck to his feet and started to guide him to his bedroom. He saw the room start to light up out of the corner of his eye and immediately pressed both hands over Buck's ears. It was still loud and Buck still whimpered. 

Eddie pushed him forward gently and kept at it until they were in his bedroom. He closed the door. He pulled the curtains a little tighter. 

The next time lightning struck, they were under the covers. Buck had plastered himself to Eddie, his face hidden against his chest. Eddie wrapped an arm around Buck's body and threw a leg over his legs. 

It took much longer this time for the thunder to come. 

"It's moving away," he said, though Buck's body still shook with his sobs. "You're safe here. Daddy's got you. Everything is going to be okay." 

And he shouldn't have said it. He knew that. Buck was scared and the mix of trauma and a very intense storm had probably forced him into his little headspace. But now that he'd heard it, Eddie wanted it. It felt like Buck had always been meant to call him daddy. 

The storm continued to move further and further away until there was just the sound of rain against the roof and the windows. 

An hour my ass, Eddie thought. He was glad he'd suggested Buck stay the night. It'd been for safety in the moment. After a month of no rain, the roads would have been slick and dangerous, but imagining Buck in the storm alone? The thunder probably would have echoed through all the open space in that loft apartment. 

It took Buck time to calm down. Eddie held him. He whispered to him. He rubbed his back. Eddie sang quietly the lullabies his abuela used to sing to him, that he used to sing to Christopher. 

Eventually, Buck drifted to sleep. 

Eddie reveled instead. He'd spent too long wondering what it would feel like to have Buck in his arms. Now that he did, he never wanted to let go. 

He did, almost reluctantly, eventually fall asleep, but when he woke up, Buck was gone. 

April 

Buck woke up the morning after the storm, and he knew three things. One was that waking up surrounded by the warmth of Eddie Diaz was heaven on earth. Two was that he had crossed the line and called Eddie Daddy. And three? Well, three was that he needed to get out of there and fast. 

He'd forced Eddie to do something he didn't want to do. And Eddie was good. He was good and kind and wonderful, and so of course he was going to take care of Buck, but he shouldn't have had to. Buck shouldn't have put him in that position. 

Buck needed to move on. 

He could move on. He could be just Eddie's friend. That was enough, right? He tried hard not to think of Eddie holding him and singing so softly in Spanish. He tried not to think of how perfect and right it felt to be in his arms. To be his . Because Buck wasn't his. 

Eddie tried to talk to him, but Buck shut him down every time. He usually would let Eddie push him a little, but Buck had been the one to blur the lines. He was the one who needed to be firm about them now, respect that Eddie didn't want that with him. That was okay. Eddie had never owed him anything. Eventually, Eddie stopped pushing to talk about it. 

They fell into some semblance of normal, though Buck usually only went over once a week or so. There was a distance between them now and unlike January where Buck just didn't know what had changed, he knew this time. And it was his fault. 

Even worse was that he knew Christopher had to suffer too. He knew he was pulling away from the kid as much as he was pulling away from his father, and that sucked. It was just another source of guilt that churned around his insides. His constant companion. 

Natalia. 

She was nice. And beautiful. And Buck felt something for her, something he hadn't felt in a while. Not with anybody but Eddie anyway. And he needed to move forward. 

Natalia meant closing off that small part of him again, at least for a while. There might come a time when he wanted to share, but it wasn't now at the beginning. 

That's what had been so nice about talking to Eddie at the beginning when they hadn't known they were talking to each other. There hadn't been this secret. All Buck's cards were on the table. 

The more time he spends with her, the more Buck feels like Natalia might be worth telling. She might understand. She might be able to be everything he needs. 

"I feel like she sees me," he tells Eddie, and he believes it fully. Maybe Natalia was the one he’d spent all that time waiting for. 

No, he didn’t believe that at all. Abby, Ali, Taylor, and everyone who’d come before had all been important. They had all been part of his journey just as much as he’d been part of theirs. 

“I think I’m ready for Natalia to know all of me, you know?” Buck said over dinner one night. He’d made grilled chicken with roasted red potatoes and asparagus. It had been a couple of weeks since he’d cooked at all for Eddie and Christopher, so it felt nice to be doing it again. Their schedules hadn’t been aligning very well lately. And part of that was this new thing with Natalia. And he’d been gushing about her through most of dinner.

“You said she sees you,” Eddie replied. “So it makes sense to let her see all of you.” 

Buck nodded, considering that. He hoped that Eddie understood what he meant by all of him. He was ready to tell her about some of his kinks, which wasn’t all that scary, but the big concern was his little space. 

After a second, he turned to look at Christopher who had been strangely quiet during dinner. 

“LA County Fair starts in a few weeks. I was thinking we’d get the biggest cotton candy and then see how many times we can ride the tilt-a-whirl before we throw up,” he said, bumping him gently with his shoulder. “We got what, four rides the last time?” 

Bingo. Christopher grinned. “Bet we could go at least five this time!” 

Eddie groaned, pushing his plate away from him. “Why is this fun to you? I ended up with puke all down my shirt, and I wasn’t even on the ride!”

“Puking’s not the fun part, Dad,” Christopher replied. “It’s how many times we can go. I beat Buck last time.” 

“I remember,” Eddie said, pushing back from the table. He started to gather plates. “Because Buck got to a trash can. You did not.” 

They’d come off the fourth ride in bad shape and Eddie had declared it was time to go home, so he’d scooped up Christopher, who had been too dizzy to walk, and started for the exit. And Buck ran for the nearest trash can. Christopher had been in a mid-victory celebration when he got sick. Mostly on Eddie. 

“You had a great time right up to that point,” Buck pointed out, standing. 

“I did,” Eddie agreed as he turned on the faucet at the sink to rinse the dishes. “But I’d love to come home from the fair not covered in vomit this year, okay?” 

“That seems fair,” Buck replied. “I have to head out soon. Can I help with dishes?” 

Eddie paused what he was doing and flicked Buck with water. “My answer is never yes and yet you ask every time.” 

“Okay, okay,” Buck said, wiping the water from his face. He bumped Eddie with his shoulder and gave Christopher a quick hug. “Eddie, see you in the morning. I’ll see you soon, Chris.” And he headed out the door. 

He sat in his jeep for a minute, trying to amp himself up a little before he texted Natalia. 

Buck: Are you free tomorrow? I’d love to cook you dinner. I get off at 6. 

Natalia: Yes, please! I’ll bring wine. 

Buck grinned. He’d tell her everything. He was ready. 

—

Christopher was still sitting at the table when Eddie finished loading the dishwasher. He had his hands folded on the table and he was looking at Eddie. 

Eddie dried his hands on a towel. 

“Everything okay, mijo?” he asked. 

“Have a seat, Dad,” Christopher said. 

Eddie frowned but did. Christopher being serious like this wasn’t his normal. 

“Do you love Buck?” 

The answer was automatic. Eddie didn’t even have to think about it. “Of course I do. It’s Buck. So do you.” 

Christopher frowned and shook his head. “Do you love Buck like you loved Mom?” 

Eddie paused. He looked at his son, taking in his serious expression. Why was Eddie so surprised that Christopher could tell? Of course, he knew. Of course, Eddie was obvious in this. 

“That’s a hard question to answer,” he said honestly. “I don’t know that I can ever love anybody like I loved your mom. She was the first. Your first love changes you a little anyway, but she gave me you, mijo.” He pressed his hand across his mouth, just thinking, trying to figure out what he needed to say. 

The truth. There was no need to lie to Christopher about this. He’d be thirteen soon, a teenager. He didn’t need to be protected from things like this. 

“But, yeah, I do love Buck in that way,” he said eventually. 

“Then why are you letting him go with Natalia?” Christopher asked. 

That question seemed to catch him off-guard more than any other so far. He frowned. “I’m not letting him do anything, Chris. He’s an adult making his own choices.” 

“But does he know that you love him?”

Eddie leaned back in his chair, letting out a sigh. “No, he doesn’t.” 

“Why not?” Christopher demanded. 

“Hey, Chris,” Eddie said, frowning, “Please don’t use that tone with me.” 

Christopher frowned down at the table, then looked back up at Eddie, his expression fiercer than Eddie could ever remember seeing it. “He’s slipping away, Dad. He’s hardly here anymore. What if he stops coming over at all? What if we don’t get to see him? He doesn’t know you love him. You have to tell him so he’ll stay.” 

And that hit Eddie hard right in his chest. He frowned. “Chris,” he said after a second but paused. He wasn’t sure how to convey what he was feeling. All of everything he’d been feeling for the last ten months of his life felt insurmountable. He rubbed his hand over his face. 

“What if it doesn’t work out, and then we lose him for good?” he asked finally. 

“Dad, you told me that it was always worth taking a chance on something that matters,” Christopher said. “Buck matters.” 

Eddie sat there for a second, and his eyes started to sting. He quickly wiped the back of his hand across them, but he was already crying. Why was he crying? “Buck’s worth a thousand chances,” 

Christopher gave him a look then, communicating that yeah, Buck was, and if Eddie was just figuring it out, he was a fool. Eddie let out a watery laugh and got up. He wrapped his arms around Christopher and pressed a kiss to his temple. 

“How’d you get so smart, kid?” he asked, just holding him there for as many moments as he could. 

“Mom,” Christopher replied easily. 

Eddie laughed again. “Of course. Shoulda known.” 

They spent the rest of their evening playing video games together. And then Eddie was alone on the couch, just listening to the ambient noise of an otherwise quiet house. What if he’d waited too long? What if Natalia was everything that Buck had been looking for and now Eddie had lost his chance? 

The thing was that he’d been ready after that night with Buck. After getting to hold him, to comfort him like that? Eddie was all in. Buck just hadn’t given him a chance to be all in. He’d shut down any attempt at discussing that night and hard pulled away. There was space between them that felt inaccessible. 

Part of him felt like all those terrible guys in romantic films who didn’t want the girl until someone else started showing interest, or at least that’s how he felt he would look to Buck. Buck spent months thinking Eddie didn’t want him, but just as he’d finally found someone, Eddie was interested. It seemed unfair. Shitty. Not how he wanted Buck to feel. No, because he’d been wanting Buck pretty much the whole time. 

He begged the universe that it wouldn’t be too late. 

“I’m going to tell Natalia today,” Buck said as soon as Eddie walked into the locker room. 

“Hello to you too, Evan,” Eddie replied, setting his bag down.

Buck laughed and bumped shoulders. “Sorry, I’m just excited. I was up half the night researching. I’ve got a bunch of resources for her if she wants to read more. I’ve never told anybody like this before. I’ve always kept my normal dating separate and pretty vanilla, but I just feel like I’ve got the best chance if I’m honest.” 

Eddie wanted to curl up and die. He half wished he could fit inside one of the lockers and disappear. But he faked a smile and he clapped Buck on the back. 

“You’re right. Be honest. Be authentic. You’re perfect just the way you are Buck, and you should share more of that with the world,” he said. 

Buck’s cheeks went red and he leaned into Eddie a little. 

“Thanks, man,” he said. “I’m going to go scrounge around for some breakfast.” 

Eddie watched him go. He flipped the bird at nobody and everybody and maybe just the whole universe, and then finished getting ready for their shift. 

Buck: Natalia took it really well. No experience, but she’s willing to learn. 

Eddie: I’m happy for you. 

May 

Talking to Natalia about his kinks and his little side has been so terrifying, but the moment it was over, Buck felt better. 

“This isn’t sexual. It just makes me feel better to sometimes get to be out of my head. To let someone else be in charge for a while I build with legos or color, just your average little kid stuff,” he told her. 

And he’d shared websites, blogs, anything he could get his that could help to explain. 

“It’s okay if you’re not into this. It’s not a deal breaker for me. I am happy to continue without it. I like you. I enjoy spending time with you,” Buck said. 

She took his hand and smiled. “I don’t know anything about this. But I’d like to learn, to give it a try.” 

And in the weeks that followed, she read the things that Buck sent her. She asked questions, and he gave answers endlessly. It felt like this one might work. 

“You’ve only ever attempted this with men before, right? Why?” she asked over his dining table. 

“I wanted to feel small physically, but I’ve realized that doesn’t matter so much,” he said. “And in general I’ve always felt a little more submissive with men over women, but that’s never been a hard and fast rule.” 

Natalia nodded. She took his hand across the table. “On our next shared day off, how about we give it a try?” she said and warmth bloomed throughout Buck’s body. 

He nodded quickly. “I’d like that a lot.” 

Their shared day off was a week out, which gave Buck time to plan. He was nervous. His only other try had gone so badly. But he’d talked about that with Natalia. They’d discussed rules and consequences. Buck had them written down. He had the rules. He understood what good behavior looked like. He wanted to be good for her. 

He bought snacks and foods he knew he liked, things that would be easy for her to make or serve him. He filled his streaming lists with shows he liked. He bought a new coloring book with new crayons, a game they could play together, and a pajama set. Buck spent hours finding a cute pajama set that would fit him and he settled on a short set that was white with light green dinosaurs all over it. When it arrived, he’d been so pleased with how soft the fabric was. 

He couldn’t sleep the morning of, so he woke up early and showered before starting to prep anything he thought he could need. He had the rules he’d written down on the counter while he peeled and chopped fruits and vegetables. He’d bought three glass containers each section into four that he filled with cheese, crackers, carrots, and strawberries. Everything was easy. He wanted it to be easy for her. He knew that he was asking a lot, and he needed to rest to be easy. 

He finished earlier than he needed to and just had to wait, which was always the worst part. 

Except it wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was when Natalia walked into the loft right on time, and she had a look on her face that told Buck everything he needed to know. 

“This is not for me,” she said, reaching out and taking his hand. “We’ve talked and talked. And I’ve read everything you’ve sent me. I understand why you want this. I even understand why you need it, and I don’t think anything of you for it. It’s just not for me.” 

He looked down at where their hands sat, her thumb gently rubbing across the back of his. 

“It’s okay. I told you this wasn’t a deal breaker. I don’t need this. We don’t have to do this. We can just be together,” Buck said, looking up at her again. 

Natalia lifted her hand to cup his cheek, and she smiled at him. “Evan Buckley, you need to eventually figure out how to put yourself first,” she said. “But I’m not going to do that to you. This is important to you. This is part of you. And you deserve to be loved by somebody who sees all of you. I refuse to make you keep part of yourself locked away to be with me.” 

Natalia hugged him. She kissed his forehead, and then she left. 

Buck sat for a long time at the table by himself. 

Even when he did everything he was supposed to do, it still didn’t go the way he hoped. And it wasn’t Natalia’s fault. She couldn’t be into something she just wasn’t into. That wasn’t how it worked. He was just grateful that she’d taken the time to learn. That’s all he could ask for. 

After a while, Buck dragged himself up the stairs. He took in the new pajamas, freshly washed and laid out on the bed with Peter and Eddie Bear. 

“Fuck,” he said out loud. He wanted this. He’d prepared for this, and damnit he was going to do it, even if it meant he was all by himself. It wasn’t the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last. 

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out. It was the 118 group thread. He watched as Chim and Eddie went back and forth about something dumb, then sat down on his bed. 

He wanted Eddie. Part of him wanted to get in his jeep and go to Eddie’s house immediately and curl up on the couch that smelled like home, but he couldn’t do that anymore. He couldn’t put this on Eddie. But he did text him.

Buck: Didn’t work out with Natalia 

He turned off his phone, and he let himself sink into his headspace. 

—

Every time Buck’s name came up in any conversation, Christopher would look at Eddie with this expression of expectation and judgment. It was a whole thing to be judged by your 12-year-old son on a near-daily basis, but Buck was happy . How was Eddie supposed to do anything to jeopardize that? 

He was at the grocery store when Chim sent a meme to the group chat. He sent something back and it went back and forth a few times before Eddie tucked his phone away to finish shopping. It buzzed again in his pocket, but he figured Chim could wait.

He was in the check-out line when he fished his phone out again, but there wasn't another message in the group chat. It was a text from Buck. 

Buck: Didn’t work out with Natalia 

Eddie had to read the text a few times before it sank in. 

Eddie: Are you okay?

And he waited for the message to go to Read. Buck was usually so quick with his phone, but it remained Delivered. 

His message was still Delivered when he'd gotten through the line, paid, and gotten his groceries into the truck. 

He leaned his head back against his seat. This was an opening. His opening, right? To finally let Buck know how he felt. But was he taking advantage of Buck's wounded heart if he did that? 

His thumb hovered over the call button. How many times had he been here, agonizing over whether or not to call? 

He put the phone up to his ear. 

It went to voicemail. 

When he got home and had put all the groceries away, he got Buck's voicemail a second time. 

"Shit, Buck!" He dropped his phone on the counter. He ran a hand over his face and glanced at the coffee pot to check the time. 

He needed to go get Christopher. 

On his way to the school, Eddie called his Tia Pepa who was happy to have Christopher. 

He picked Christopher up and drove to Pepa's. 

"Edmundo, you work tomorrow?" she asked as he walked Christopher to the door. 

"Si, Tia, in the morning," he said. 

"Chris can stay the night. I'll drop him at school on my way to work," Pepa said, squeezing his arm. 

Eddie hugged her, murmuring his thanks. He kissed her cheek and then pulled back so he could talk to his son. 

"Is everything okay?" Christopher asked, reaching out and taking Eddie's hand in a firm grip. 

Eddie didn't know what to say. The longer it went without hearing from Buck, the more worried he got, but he was probably fine. Asleep. Maybe drinking away his breakup. But Eddie had to know. 

"I think Buck and Natalia broke up," he said his voice soft. "And he's not answering his phone. I need to know he's okay." 

Christopher nodded. "Tell him you love him, Dad."

Eddie hugged Christopher tight. "I'm gonna try," he said, and then he pulled away. 

He drove to Buck's apartment, calling him on the way, but it again went right to voicemail. The jeep was in the lot. Eddie parked and took the stairs two at a time up to Buck's loft. 

He knocked. No answer. He knocked again, harder and waited a little longer, but still no answer. 

He pulled out his keys, looking through until he found his copy of the key. He unlocked the door.

Inside, it was quiet. Which usually meant no Buck, but his Jeep was parked outside. Eddie scanned the bottom floor, then headed for the stairs. 

At the top, he stopped and was flooded with relief. Buck was sprawled across his bed with big headphones on, watching what looked like a cartoon on his tablet. He was safe. He was okay. 

Then Eddie took everything in. On the small area rug next to the bed sat a half-built Lego creation. There was a discarded coloring book, crayons still loose, at the foot of the bed. Peter and Bear were both out, half tucked under Buck's arm. And then there was Buck in a white shorts set with dinosaurs printed all over. 

Buck was little. And he'd probably turned off his phone. 

Eddie didn't know how to proceed. He didn't want to startle Buck. But he also didn't want to go. Why should he go back to an empty house when he was already exactly where he wanted to be? 

"Eddie?" 

Eddie managed not to outwardly show how startled he was, but while he'd been trying to sort through his feelings, Buck had noticed him. He'd paused his show, pulled his headphones down, and was just looking at Eddie. 

"Hey, Buck," Eddie said after a second. "Are you okay?" 

Buck nodded. He pointed to his stuffies. "Peter and Eddie Bear protect me." 

"Eddie Bear?" Eddie asked, walking closer to the bed. He was careful to step around the Legos before he crouched at the edge of the bed. "Is that your new friend's name?" 

Buck nodded. He held out the bear. "He's a big and strong daddy bear, and he protects me." 

Eddie couldn't help the wave of emotion that washed over him as he reached out and gently rubbed the bear's ear. Had Buck just been here loving him quietly all this time while Eddie spent his months rationalizing why they couldn't just go for it? "Is that right?" 

Buck nodded again. He pulled the bear back and held him against his chest. He laid his head down on the bed, just watching Eddie who couldn't help but think about how sad Buck had to be this quiet. 

"Do you mind if I stay here and hang out with you for a while?" Eddie asked. 

Buck narrowed his eyes. "You want to?" 

"I do. Maybe I can help get you dinner," Eddie replied. 

"You can't cook, but that's okay because I prepared for that," Buck said sitting up.

"You prepared… because I can't cook?" Eddie asked. 

Buck shook his head "Not you." He tucked both his stuffies under his arm and slid off the bed. Eddie watched as he carefully stepped around the Legos and started down the stairs. 

Eddie turned but paused. One of them was going to step on the Legos eventually. He picked up Buck's creation and put it whole in the clear plastic bin with the rest of the loose pieces. Once all the pieces were picked up, he headed downstairs. 

Buck stood in the kitchen. He had a glass food container in front of him, but he wasn't eating anything. He was watching Eddie. 

"What were you doing?" 

"I picked up the Legos so we didn't step on them," Eddie replied. 

"It wasn't finished yet." 

Eddie nodded. "I didn't break it. You can still finish. I promise." He leaned over to look in the container. Crackers, cheese, strawberries, and carrots. "This looks good. Do you just want a snack right now, or do you want dinner?" 

Buck tapped the container. "Dinner." 

Eddie shook his head. "That won't be enough, bud." He opened the fridge, looking through what was there. Two more identical glass containers. Then he opened the freezer, his domain. He was surprised because there was a bag of frozen chicken nuggets and waffle fries, not something Buck usually kept around. 

"It's like you knew I'd need help or something," he teased, pulling them out of the freezer. 

Buck shook his head. "Not you." 

Eddie paused. Not you. It was the second time Buck was saying that and he'd mentioned that he had prepared. He'd prepped the snack boxes. He'd bought frozen foods that were kid-friendly and easy to cook. He'd prepared everything so he could be small with Natalia, so it would be easy for her, and she'd what… broken up with him instead? 

Eddie dropped the bags on the counter and turned, immediately enveloping Buck in a hug. Buck stood there for a moment, not moving, but then he sagged a little in Eddie's arms and hugged him back. 

"I know you're a little sad," Eddie murmured. "It's okay to be sad." 

"Didn't want me," Buck whispered. Eddie's arms tightened a little around him. 

"Well, she's missing out," he said. He pulled back enough that he could look at him. His eyes were wet. "Oh, chiquito. It's okay." 

Buck shook his head. "Nobody wants me." His voice cracked and tears started to spill down his cheeks. 

"That's not true. I want you," Eddie said. 

Buck shook his head. "No."

Eddie reached and took Buck’s face between his hands. “I do, Buck,” he said softly. “I know how I reacted before, but I’m serious. We have to talk when you’re big, but for now, can I just be here with you? Can I take care of you, sweetheart? I want to.” 

Eddie would have given anything to be able to know the thoughts running through Buck’s head as his eyes flitted back and forth. He hoped he looked as genuine as he felt. He hoped whatever Buck was looking for was spelled out on his face. 

Eventually, Buck nodded. Eddie swiped a thumb across each of Buck’s cheeks, wiping away the tears before he stepped back. “Go sit while I get dinner in the oven.” 

Buck nodded. He grabbed his stuffed friends off the counter and shuffled over toward the living room area. 

“You got a couch,” Eddie said. 

Buck paused and glanced at it, then looked back at Eddie. “I hate it,” he said before he sat cross-legged on the floor between the couch and the TV. 

Eddie watched him for a second, then started looking through the cupboards. He found a baking sheet easily enough and laid out enough nuggets and waffle fries for both of them. He slid the tray into the oven. He checked the temperature needed for both, luckily it was the same, though the time was different, and turned on the oven. 

Eddie was aware of Buck’s eyes on him as he was doing all this, and as he walked over to join him. He stopped. 

“You’re judging me,” he said. 

Buck quickly shook his head. “You do it out of order. Oven on. Wait ‘til it beeps. Food in.” 

Eddie sat down next to Buck and stretched his legs out in front of him. “Do you trust me?” 

Buck nodded. 

“I never preheat the oven, and it’s always okay. I promise,” Eddie said. He offered Buck his pinky. Buck looked at his hand for a long moment, then hooked his pinky around Eddie’s. 

Eddie set a timer on his phone. “What are we gonna watch?” 

Buck shrugged. 

Eddie considered for a second, then grabbed for the remote. He turned on the TV and went through the streaming services until he found the one he wanted. 

Eddie Diaz was no stranger to Paw Patrol . Chris had gone through a huge Paw Patrol phase when Eddie first became a firefighter. He’d been on the older end of the age range, so it’d only lasted about a year, but in that year, Eddie ended up watching it a lot. 

Buck gasped when he saw Eddie choose the show and leaned against him. “Marshall is the best,” he said. “He’s a firefighter. AND a Dalmatian. Isn’t that so cool?” 

Eddie smiled. He put his arm around Buck’s shoulders, pulling him a little closer. “I kinda wish we had a Dalmatian at our firehouse,” he said. 

“That would be so cool,” Buck said. “We could take him for walks, and he could sleep in the bunk room with us. He’d be so loved.” 

Eddie glanced at him. "There sure is a lot of love in our firehouse, huh?"  

Buck nodded. 

Eddie lifted his hand so he could comb his fingers through Buck's hair. He wanted Buck. He wanted every part of him. He wanted to be skin-to-skin. To kiss every inch of his beautiful face. He wanted to hold him. He wanted to wipe away his tears and rub his back as he fell asleep. He wanted Buck. And he hated that Buck had spent so long feeling unwanted. Loving him, actually letting go of all of the hangups and just allowing himself to love Evan Buckley was the easiest thing in the world. 

Eddie turned his head so he could press a kiss to Buck's temple. It would do for the moment. Until they could talk. 

Buck turned, just looking at Eddie for a long second before he pressed a kiss to his cheek. 

Eddie gasped. "A kiss? For me?" 

"You kiss me first!" Buck giggled. 

"And I'll do it again." Eddie gently gripped Buck's chin and kissed his cheek three times in a row, making exaggerated kissing noises each time. 

Buck squirmed a little in his grasp and laughed. "Daddy! Watchin' Paw Patrol ," he said, pushing at Eddie's hand. 

Daddy. Buck called him Daddy. Not in distress. Not upset in any way. Smiling and laughing. It was everything Eddie could have wanted. He kissed him one more time on the cheek and released his grip.

Buck rested his head against Eddie's shoulder just watching his show until Eddie's timer went off and he pulled away. 

Eddie stole the carrots and strawberries from two of the snack containers to go with dinner and plated everything up. "You want dip?" He asked, pulling ketchup from the fridge.

"Ketchup, please," Buck said, pushing himself up off the floor. 

"Did I tell you I like your jammies?" Eddie asked as he squirted ketchup on each of their plates. 

Buck paused between the couch and table and looked down at his shirt like he didn't remember what he was wearing, then he grinned. "Dinosaurs," he said. He sat down at the table. 

"They're pretty cute," Eddie said, sliding his plate over. He started to pull the chair across from Buck out so he could sit. 

"No, here," Buck said, pushing the chair next to him out with his foot. 

"You want me to sit by you, huh?" 

Buck reached across the table to take Eddie's plate and set it next to him. "Here, please," he said.  

Eddie just smiled and walked around. He ruffled Buck's hair and pressed a kiss to the top of his head before dropping down next to him.

After they finished eating, Eddie cleaned up and moved back to sit by the TV. Except he could not continue to sit on the floor, so he sat on the couch. 

Buck tilted his head back to look at him, frowning a little. 

"You could join me," Eddie said, patting the cushion next to him. 

Buck shook his head. "Your couch is better." 

"You want to go to the house?" Eddie asked. "I have to go home eventually. But you can come with me." 

Buck looked away for a second, then back. He held up his stuffed toys. "They come too?" 

"I really think they should. It might get lonely here by themselves," Eddie replied. "Think you can go pack your bag for work tomorrow or do you want help?" 

Buck stood. He held out his hand. "Help."

Eddie took it, getting to his feet. He guided Buck up the stairs and grabbed his bag, setting it on the bed. "Pants, shirt, underwear, socks." 

Buck nodded and carefully gathered those things. Eddie had to intercept a sweater with, Buck, it's May and you'll be too hot , but the bag got packed. 

"You want to wear your pajamas over or do you want to change?" Eddie asked. 

Buck considered, looking down at himself. "Just wanna go." 

Eddie tucked Peter and Eddie Bear into the bag, grabbed Buck's phone, and the bag, then started to usher Buck toward the door. 

Eddie closed and locked the door, and without even being asked, Buck took his hand. Eddie pulled him close and walked to the elevator to take it down. “Thank you for holding my hand,” he said softly as they stepped in.

Buck looked down at their hands and back up at Eddie. "Wanna hold your hand." 

Eddie smiled, reveling in the warmth that spread through him. "I want to hold yours. But I'd like to hold your hand especially when we are out. So I can keep you close and safe." 

Buck nodded. "Safe." 

The drive was quiet.

Once at the house, Buck insisted Eddie sit down first before he would sit, and that ended up being so Buck lay down with his head in Eddie's lap. 

They watched Up . It felt right. Just watching a movie, snuggled up together like this. Eddie kept his hand in Buck's hair, gently scratching his scalp or combing his fingers through the curls that meant he'd taken a shower and just let it be. 

Bed took a little prodding. Buck seemed to expect that he'd sleep on the couch, but Eddie led him to the bedroom. 

"I gotta shower," he said. "Get comfy." 

He didn't expect “get comfy” to mean that he would come out to find a Buck burrito, but there he was all wrapped up in the comforter as he watched Eddie through his half-closed eyes. Buck looked so sweet and Eddie felt a little overwhelmed by it all. But he climbed onto the bed and cupped his face.

"Ay mi gusanito," he said. "Look at you. You comfy? Ready to sleep?" 

Buck gave a little nod and then yawned. "Kiss."

And, well, Eddie couldn't refuse that, could he? He kissed Buck's forehead. 

"Thank you for letting me take care of you," he said. 

Buck hummed softly, his eyes shutting. "Good at being a daddy." 

Eddie held his face for just a few more seconds then pulled away so he could settle next to Buck. He wanted to be good at this. He wanted to be everything Buck deserved. He deserved the world.

Buck frowned a little, opening his eyes and starting to squirm. He got loose from the blanket and sat up. 

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Eddie asked. 

Buck didn't respond. He started to spread out the blanket, putting some over top of Eddie, then flopped back down. He squirmed closer to Eddie, leaned his head against his shoulder, and threw an arm over his torso. Only then did he let out a little sigh and finally relax. 

Eddie chuckled. "All good?" 

"Mhm," Bucky replied. 

Eddie reached over and shut off the lamp. He lay there in the dark for a while, just listening to Buck breathing slowly even out as he fell asleep. Soon that lulled Eddie into a peaceful sleep of his own. 

When Eddie's alarm sounded, he was quick to shut it off. He turned and reached out for Buck, but froze. The bed was empty. Dread shoved out any remaining sleepiness. Had he fucked up? Had spending the day with Buck, being with him, holding him, kissing him… had all that been a mistake? Should he have waited until Buck was big, so they could talk? What if he'd scared Buck off? 

His hand brushed something soft, and he grabbed it. Eddie Bear. Peter was there too. And that gave Eddie just a little hope that Buck hadn't left. He threw the blankets off and ran for the hall. The kitchen light was on and there was the smell of coffee, but he stopped short at the sight of Buck sitting alone at the table. He was dressed, and he had his hands wrapped around a mug of coffee, but he looked lost. When he looked up at Eddie, he looked scared. 

"Is this real?" Buck's voice was small, unsure. His beautiful blue eyes shone with unshed tears. 

Eddie grabbed the seat of the chair and pulled Buck out from the table. He straddled his lap and cupped his face. He kissed him. 

He could feel Buck melt a little against him for just a second before he started to kiss back. 

Eddie felt lightheaded when he broke the kiss, but he didn't pull away. He didn't let go of Buck's face. 

"I love you," Eddie said. "I love you, and I want to love you for the rest of my life." 

Buck's hands wrapped around Eddie's wrists and his eyes flitted back and forth across his face like he was looking for something. 

"I love you," he said softly. "I've loved you. But you didn't want… this." 

Eddie aches at the pause, at the unspoken "me" on the tip of Buck's tongue. 

"My reservations have never been about not wanting you. I have been scared by the idea of losing you. Of us giving this a try and it not working out. I thought at least if we remained friends, I'd always have you. But I've been losing you anyway," Eddie said. He swiped at the tears that fell down Buck's cheeks with his thumbs. "Chris reminded me that it is always worth taking a chance when it's something that matters. You matter. And I love you. I love every little piece of you, Evan." 

"You won't lose me," Buck whispered. "You're home, Eddie. This house. You, Chris. You're my home. But… after the storm, I woke up… I woke up and I'd forced you…" 

"No, you didn't force me to do anything I didn't want to do," Eddie said. "Getting to hold you. Getting to be the one you wanted, your daddy, for even just that short time was what I needed. If we could have talked about it, maybe we could have been here sooner." 

Buck closed his eyes, letting his forehead bump against Eddie's. "I felt so guilty. I forced myself to try to move on." 

Eddie released his hold on Buck's face and took his hands, pulling them both against his chest. "We are really fucking bad at communicating, huh?" 

Buck's eyes opened and even wet with tears, they still looked so stunning when he let out a soft laugh. "Better from now on." 

"Yeah, better from now on," Eddie agreed. He leaned in and kissed Buck again before he stood. "You up for a first date?" he asked. 

Buck's face morphed into that confused little smile. He reached out and grabbed Eddie's hand. "Eddie, it's 3:30 in the morning, and we work at five." 

"Yeah, if you let me go get dressed, that's just enough time for a breakfast date at that 24-hour diner on Klein," Eddie replied. 

"They've got shitty coffee," Buck said, smiling.

Eddie chuckled. "Sure, but the best pancakes this side of town. And I think pancakes with you sounds like my kind of first date." 

Buck pulled Eddie's hand to his mouth and kissed his knuckles before he let him go. "Mine too."