Archive of Our Own ^beta

He closes the door, but there's a very long silence of just standing and staring at each other, the air as thick as a dictionary, but neither able to put the words together.

"I- uh- heard Lizzie was in town," Etho manages to say.

"Oh-" Joel chewed on his lip, like he wished Etho didn't.

"Food's ready when you are!" Mumbo calls down the hall, and Etho just gestures, and they both start moving.

Etho's table is nice, dark, hard wood, and there's a cherry aroma to it. The chairs are the same wood with hand-sewn cushioning of various deep red and purple shades. Etho sits across from Joel, Mumbo delivers bowls of slightly curled noodles in brown broth that tastes faintly of shrimp, and colourful vegetables strewn throughout.

Joel looks across the table at Etho, and then to his plate, Joel's stomach twists in in a bitter tornado of nerves.

"You gonna eat?" He asks.

"You gonna look?" Etho shoots back.

Joel's mouth feels dry, "I've seen it before," he reminds him.

"Doesn't mean you get to see it whenever you want," Etho shakes his head lightly.

"Guys, this is ridiculous-" Mumbo starts, but shrinks where he stands when Joel looks to him.

Joel grits his teeth, lips pressed together in a thin line. His heart is pounding and he's two steps from dying there on the spot from the sheer awkwardness.

"Ok, fine." He finally says, "Etho, I..."

The determination falters, just barely, long enough to make room for tears.

"I miss you." he manages to sputter.

"Joel..."

"I treated you poorly. Like, really fuckin' poorly. I-I don't know fuckin' why, I just..."

He turns away, lip quaking as the words find their way into his mouth, "I'm scared of how much I like you... because I don't feel like I deserve it."

Etho's eyes soften, but his jaw is hard and clenched when Joel looks back.

"Before we talk about... that. Any of that. I-I... I have to know... how many people did you... I-I mean... 'Cause I can... you know, feel it. I just... I have to know, Joel, I have to-"

"Just one." Joel shrugged, "Iskall, one time, maybe a day or two after you left."

"I..." Etho slammed a hand on the table and pulled himself to stand, "I don't believe you."

"I know." Joel sighs, "I knew you wouldn't. There's no way to make you."

"Wh-what about Lizzie, huh?"

"Nope." Joel says, "She just... wanted me to talk to you."

Etho stumbles back for a brief moment, "Then why did I keep feeling... th-that?"

"Sex toys," Joel shrugged again, not making eye contact, "I thought I could... I don't know. Drain myself? Fuck it all out of me? Convince myself all my feelings for you were sexual, and if I was sexually satisfied with a piece of rubber, maybe stop feeling so... needy."

"S-so... so what now?" Etho tries to attack, "I'm just supposed to- to forgive you? To move on? To treat you like you never did any of that?"

"No." Joel says immediately, "I don't expect you to. I don't want you to."

There's a long silence as Joel glances around at the finely decorated room, and then his eyes land on Etho's bookshelf, he stands, and he grabs a book from it, setting it on the table and turning it so Etho can read the cursive text; Landscaping Your Mind: Couples Edition.

"I just want you to know I've been resource-gathering. And I'm gonna finish texturing and adding gradients no matter what, but... it'd be a lot faster if you were there to help."

Etho ran a thumb along his own sweaty palm, squeezing his eyes tight as he tried to stay mad because he just should be. That's how it feels, it feels like he should be mad.

But Joel is right there. Joel came to him. And that has to mean something.

"Joel I-" he opens his eyes, and finds his dining room is no where to be seen. The void is dark, and the purple mist surrounds him, but it feels calmer. He feels like it moves with him, rather than surrounds him like a viper.

He looks down to his wrist, the red string remains there as always, and he feels his brows furrow before he grips both ends and pulls it taut and then bites and pulls at it.

The smoke is swirling, the darkness is looming, but he just keeps chewing and biting at it and he can see it fraying and it feels like the ground beneath him is shaking, though it's hard to say for sure that there is a ground at all.

He feels pains in his chest and his legs ache and his heart is racing.

He feels hands around his throat and overwhelming phalluses pressing against his prostate.

And he feels the string break.

He gasps sharply as he returns to his body in his dining hall, and he stares at Joel.

He just stares.

And he doesn't even realize he's talking until the sentence is looming in the air.

"What did you mean when you said the Life games were different?"

Joels seems taken aback by the question, and Etho lets him sit in the silence to consider the question.

"It's hard to love someone in the Life games when you know they're going to be gone... either they'll die or they'll leave." He says slowly, "But here... you have to choose it, and I..."

His voice cracks, and he sobs suddenly, "I didn't think you'd choose me."

The first thing Etho thinks is just how much he hates seeing Joel cry. It just seemed out of character, in a way.

"And... you didn't get to choose to be tied to me with Demise either." Etho clarifies, and Joel just shrugs.

Etho slowly extends a hand across the table, talking slow and soft, "So, let's start over, and choose each other."

Joel glances up, seeing Etho's handkerchief in his palm, and he can't help but laugh as he takes it and wipes his tears away.

"If, that is, you want to?"

"Ok." Joel says, slowly setting his left hand in Etho's, "Let's start over."

"Joel, I love you. I want to love you."

"I..." He smiles, "I want love you too."