Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

James didn’t write anymore. He didn’t think he ever would again. 

It wasn’t simply all the things he’d gained (and subsequently lost) from writing. It wasn’t the way he’d lost his grip on himself. It wasn’t the impossible standards of perfection he knew he’d never reach. 

It was more than that. Telling a story usually included some kind of moral. James didn’t have that. He didn’t think he contained any words that would make the world better if he shared them. They were best kept locked up tight inside his head. The stories James had to tell were twisted, ugly at their core. Not in a thought provoking, interesting way. In a nauseating way.

James’ self, put onto a page, would make any reader sick. 

So he didn’t write anymore, and he never intended to again. James was happy with his job, with his mundane little life. He was happy letting his words sit in the pit beside his heart. 

On his way home from the grocery store, he stopped outside a bookstore, only because he saw Sirius’ book in the window display. He pushed the door open to buy a copy, just because it was what he’d always done. He had enough copies of Sirius’ books to fill an entire library. Though they weren’t exactly friends anymore, James couldn’t break the habit. 

“That one’s good,” someone said at his shoulder as he picked up a copy, tucking it under his arm. 

James turned to see a teenage employee standing behind him. She had a cart of books that she was seemingly in the process of putting on shelves.  

“Yeah, the author is—” my best friend James would have said once. Now, it felt like a lie. He swallowed the words, trying to ignore the sour taste they left behind. “—an incredible writer,” James said instead. 

“Isn’t he?” the girl asked, bouncing in place excitably. “I’ve bought all of his books. They’re so good, and he has such a unique voice. Not to mention the thought put into his plot? I watched an interview once, and he said he barely plans at all, and I was like, how? He must be a genius or something!” 

James laughed at her rambling. “He must be,” he agreed. His eyes fell on the books inside the girl’s cart. On the top was a pile of leather-bound journals. 

Her eyes followed his gaze, and she pulled one off the top. “Oh, these are new! We just got them in. What’s your name?” 

“It’s James?” he said, his voice rising in a question. She quickly started riffling through the stack, and he watched, befuddled. 

“Aha!” she said victoriously, holding out a dark red journal. There was a charm hanging off it, a golden J glinting in the light. “For you! Do you want it?”

James couldn’t say no. This girl was too good at her job. He accepted the journal with a smile. “Sure, that’s perfect.”

“Great! Let me know if you need help finding anything else!”

“Will do.” 

“Nice to meet you, James!” she called over her shoulder as she wheeled the cart deeper within the shelves. 

James felt he had no choice but to check out with Sirius’ book and the journal. He didn’t know what he was going to do with it. He used to keep a large collection of journals for plotting and character studies back when he still wrote. He hadn’t had a reason to buy one in years. Still, he watched the cashier bag his purchases and accepted them with a smile. 

When he got home, he unloaded his groceries and put Sirius’ book on the shelf. He was left with the journal, sitting on his dining room table. It seemed to taunt James. 

Maybe… it couldn’t hurt? It wouldn’t be the same. James wouldn’t be writing for an audience. He wouldn’t be telling a story, just putting his thoughts on a page. It would probably be healthy if anything. Healthy people journaled, didn’t they? 

When his nightly chores were done, and James had nothing to distract himself with, he sat down with a pen, opening the journal. The pages were crisp and smooth, untouched. James smoothed them flat, raising his pen to the page. 

There were things on his mind. It was all a jumbled knot of emotions and thoughts. He decided not to think too hard about it. His hand began to move before he could work out what he wanted to say. Within the privacy of this journal, it all spilled out of him. 

I’ve been thinking about love lately. Regulus is probably the catalyst. He’s the catalyst of everything to me. I just wonder, as a million other people have before me, what is love? It’s not a groundbreaking question. In fact, I feel a little dumb wondering. The answer is probably right in front of me.

At first, the words came out stilted and clumsy. James paused, his pen hovering over the paper. He had the urge to rip out the page. Maybe to start over, or maybe to toss the journal on his bookshelf and quit while he was ahead. 

He didn’t do either. No one would read this but James. It didn’t have to be perfect. It didn’t even have to be good. 

Growing up, I looked at my parents, and I knew exactly what love was. I saw the way they’d cook together, singing in the kitchen over Sunday breakfast. I thought that was the pinnacle of love, and everything it was supposed to be. That’s what I wanted Lily to be. I think I tried to force her into that role. She was never going to just be my wife. It wasn’t fair to ask her to be. She wasn’t going to be the woman waiting up with dinner when I finished work. She wasn’t a woman I’d come home to, wearing a perfect smile and an apron or whatever domestic shit you see wives doing in old movies. She was more ambitious and more talented than me. 

Oh did I hate her for that. As fucked up as it is. I did. 

James swallowed, the admission causing his heart to pound in his chest. God, Lily deserved the world, and James had done nothing but tear her down. He’d never offered her anything either. He hadn’t supported her, he hadn’t been there for her, he hadn’t loved her just as she was. He’d always wanted to change her, but Lily Evans was perfect as she was. She just… wasn’t meant for James. 

Lily is bigger than I will ever be, and I hated it. I envied her so much. She has so much to give the world, and I looked down on the things she couldn’t give me. I make myself sick with self-hatred when I think about it. That wasn’t love, not from me. I didn’t love her in any of the ways she deserved. I know we’re happier without each other, even if I hadn’t cheated and betrayed her. We were never going to be like my parents, and they weren’t the only good type of love, as I thought back then. 

I knew love when I met Sirius and Remus. They found a place in my heart that was so much more important than I realized. I realize it now without them. It’s so lonely. I’m so lonely. I don’t have anyone left these days, and I wish I’d valued that love when I had it. If I ever got it back, I wouldn’t take it for granted again. I wouldn’t lie to them. Even if it’s too little too late now. 

The older I get. The less I know love. 

I felt it with Regulus, the all-consuming kind of love I thought only existed in fiction. It’s not fictional at all. It grows in your chest until it eats up everything else inside. It’s still greedy and open-mouthed now. Shit, I hate that about myself too. But when I think about Regulus today, I only wonder where that gets me. Nowhere, I guess. 

The older I get, the more I realize that love is not inherently good. I don’t think it’s inherently anything. I remember that once, a long time ago, I wrote something about love being a gun. It’s as good as where you point it, if you point it at all. I was wrong about that. 

That implies that love is created with some intention. That it’s a weapon, whether you use it or not. You can lock a gun in a safe and forget the code to open it, but a gun is still a gun. 

If love is anything, it’s a hand. It can pull a trigger or drive a knife into someone’s back. But it could save a life, too. It could be the hand of a doctor or a humanitarian. Love becomes what you wield it as, and for too long, I held a weapon. 

I’m unarmed now. 

…I wonder what love is to Regulus. Why would he entertain me still? What does he see there? Why me? Why after all this time? Why at all? Why did he love me, and how could it be THIS much? 

I wonder. He still opens my eyes. He still catches my attention in a way that makes everything else cease to exist. I was so selfish before. I wanted and wanted, and acted as if wishing I could say no absolved me of my guilt. I didn’t say no. I didn’t really want to. That’s a fact I’m swallowing. I knew better, and made the wrong decisions anyway. That’s that. No dancing around it, no trying to excuse it. It’s simply a fact. 

So often I’ve wondered what might have happened if I’d never gone to Tennessee. Would I have found him anyway? Would things have been easier? The age gap would still be there, but that might even have been okay in a different world. Now, I don’t want to forget, but I don’t want to keep dragging him back into my guilt and regret. 

Now, I wonder all the things he might show me. Now, I want him to tell me things I didn’t know before with that glint in his eye. Now… I wonder if we could be anything. Anything at all. Maybe everything? 

Every color seems so much brighter when I’m looking in his eyes. 

There are so many things I want to know. I should ask him. 

No, that’s stupid. I should leave him alone. But I want to know. What would happen if I asked? 

James dropped his pen, staring at the ink drying on the page. He stared until his vision blurred and the words became nonsense. It might as well have been written in a foreign language. 

Even if he wanted to, James didn’t have Regulus’ number. He couldn’t be the one to open a line of communication. It was probably for the best.

Still, James wondered, his thoughts looping into knots. 

Say that neither of them had a choice in the matter. They were fated to love each other, or rather, doomed. James knew the things that made him fall in love with Regulus. He knew the holes he was trying to fill, and the way the love lingered, overflowing even when it was over. He knew the things Regulus signified back then. Something new, something exciting when James was drowning in a loveless marriage and grief he’d never unpacked. 

It stayed, even when those things were gone. James didn’t feel like a weapon anymore. He recalled Regulus’ words every time he closed his eyes. 

“You’re not hurting me anymore.” Who was James when he wasn’t hurting Regulus? What were they? Surely, something better. 

Right? 

James could hope, but he couldn’t wash his hands of it. His palms were stained black, and he left blemishes on everything he touched. 

There were too many places to start. James decided to begin with just one. Possibly the hardest of them all. 

__

This was crossing a boundary. It was the opposite of what James was supposed to do. Wait, don’t push, don’t force it. 

Yet, here James was, ringing the doorbell with his heart in his throat. The bell sounded through the house. For a moment, it was quiet, but James saw a light on upstairs, so he waited. 

Sure enough, after a minute, there was the sound of footsteps, and the front door swung open. Almost immediately, it started to slam shut again, but James reached out, wincing as his hand caught in the doorframe. 

“Wait!”

“No. I don’t want to see you. That hasn’t changed. Leave me alone, James.” Sirius tried to close the door, despite James’ hand being in the way. 

“Can you just give me two minutes?”

“You’re asking too much of me.” Sirius scoffed. “Move your hand or I will break it.” 

“Wait, Sirius! I’m sorry!” 

Sirius paused, his scowl morphing into something even angrier. “Do you really think that will work on me? If you do, then you’re stupider than I thought—” 

“No, no! That’s not—” James broke off, shaking his head quickly. “That’s all I came here to say. I’m not trying to win you back. I don’t think it’ll fix anything. I just think there are some things you deserve to hear, then you can slam the door in my face.” 

Sirius paused. His hair had gotten longer, and he had it tied up in a loose bun. A few escaped stands of hair framed his furious expression. Conflict crossed his face, and he growled in frustration. Yet, for some reason, he stepped outside, shutting the door behind him. “What?” Sirius demanded. 

James took a deep breath. “I-I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I haven’t given you a proper apology. I was trying to give you time, but I’m realizing no amount of time will change anything, so I needed to say it to you. I’m sorry I lied to you, I’m sorry for the lines I crossed. I’m sorry I hurt your brother and betrayed your trust and love for me.”

Sirius crossed his arms. It was similar to Regulus in the way Sirius was trying to protect his heart. As if hiding it behind his arms would do the trick. “I don’t care. It’s too late for that.” 

“I know,” James whispered. “There’s nothing to gain here, I promise that isn’t my motive. I owe you an apology, and you don’t need to care or accept it. I just need to give it to you. It’s the very least I can do.” 

Sirius’ jaw clenched. “Is that all you came here to say?” he asked, his voice hollow. “If so, goodnight.” 

“No, I also wanted to tell you…” James squared his shoulders, meeting Sirus’ cold gaze. Any love he’d once held for James was gone now. There was no emotion in his eyes, not a drop of affection left. James broke that. He destroyed the purest love he’d ever had. “I’ve been talking to Regulus.” James winced as soon as the words left his mouth. “I mean— I have spoken to him. I don’t want to lie or keep things from you ever again, so I wanted to tell you that.”

“What the hell do you mean by talking?” Sirius questioned, his tone sharp as his eyes narrowed. 

“Just… that I’ve had contact with him, and we’ve discussed, you know…” 

“Do I know? If you can’t even say it, then what’s the point of coming here—” 

“We discussed the fact that I had an affair with him while he was my student,” James interrupted, his voice shaking as shame pressed down at the back of his neck. Still, he forced himself to say it aloud, the truth sitting indisputably between them. 

“Let me guess,” Sirius said, with a venomous smile, his eyes glinting cruelly in the dark. “Regulus has forgiven you, so I should as well?” 

“No! No, Sirius, that isn’t… I wouldn’t say that. I don’t know. If he even should… isn’t my place to say.”

“So what’s the point of this?” Sirius asked in frustration, throwing a hand in the air. “Why are you disturbing my peaceful night with your senseless rambling? Why are you fucking here!”

“Because we might be in contact again! Because I think you have the right to know that! That’s all I came here to say. That and to apologize.” 

Sirius was breathing heavily, his expression twisting. “Well, you’ve said it. You can go now.” 

“Okay,” James said, his voice small. This had gone about as well as he’d predicted, but at least he’d been honest like he wanted to. He turned, heading down the porch. He made it to the second step when Sirius called after him. 

“If I asked you to stay away from him, would you do it?” 

James froze. For a moment, he wasn’t sure of the answer. He remembered the yearning, the overwhelming love, the hope he’d felt when he last spoke to Regulus. Then, he remembered everything that had come in the years before. He remembered the damage he’d done, and suddenly, he knew the answer. 

Slowly, James turned to face Sirius. “You’re my best friend—” James choked on the words. “Or you were. You still are, to me. I trust you. If you tell me that you believe without an ounce of doubt that I’m not good for Regulus, that he’d be worse for it… I will take your opinion into account, because I love you just as much as I love Regulus.” Sirius’ face was shadowed, and it was hard to tell what he was thinking. He simply stared, utterly still. He remained silent. James’ voice was ragged when he spoke. “Is that what you think?” he pleaded. “Tell me now, this is your chance, Sirius. I’m listening, I trust you.”

He expected a swift shutdown, but maybe James had finally gotten through to Sirius, just a little. “I need to speak to Regulus first.” 

“A-and then?” 

“I’ll let you know.”  With that, he turned. The door slammed, leaving James alone on the porch. 

He felt unarmed. 

__

It was a lazy Sunday. Regulus was sprawled across Sirius’ couch, his laptop sitting on his stomach as he frowned at the screen. Remus was reading the newspaper across the room, and Sirius was at Regulus’ feet. 

He didn’t know what his brother was doing. He’d hopped from activity to activity this morning, seemingly restless for whatever reason. Regulus hadn’t asked why. 

“James showed up at my door the other day,” Sirius announced suddenly, breaking the quiet. 

Remus lowered the newspaper, and Regulus bolted upright. “What?” he asked dumbly. 

“He said he came to apologize. And… to tell me that you’ve been talking to him,” Sirius said accusingly. 

At that, Regulus shrugged weakly. “We’ve spoken…” 

“Since when?” Sirius demanded. “How long has this been going on?”

“Nothing is going on,” Regulus protested. Not yet, at least. “He came to me the night you found out. We uh… settled things?” 

“So that’s all?” 

“And I bumped into him at a coffee shop last week,” Regulus admitted. 

In sharp contrast to his fidgeting a few moments ago, Sirius was incredibly still now. His shoulders were pulled tight with tension, his lips pressed together as he studied Regulus.  “D-does he want something from you?” Sirius asked, his voice tight. 

Despite the heavy weight of Sirius’ question, Regulus hummed, leaning back on the couch. “Not necessarily. We all want many things.” 

“You’re dancing around the question.”

“What do you want me to say, Sirius?” Regulus demanded. “You won’t like my answers, so what’s the point?” 

“But there are answers. He’s been seeking you out—”

“No. That was only once. The other time was a coincidence.” 

Sirius scoffed, crossing his arms. “He’s going to do it again, isn’t he?” he asked sharply. “James still wants you.” 

“Is that your business?” Regulus asked, his tone souring. 

“Yes! He had the gall to apologize, but he’s still doing the same exact thing!” 

At that, Regulus rose from the couch, looking down at his brother with a dark glare. “I highly doubt that’s what he apologized to you for. James doesn’t need to apologize to you for fucking me. I’ve already accepted it. I forgive him.” Sirius just stared under Regulus’ glare, and he sighed, shaking his head. “We talk around the same circles over and over again. I don’t have the neat conclusion you’re looking for, Sirius. There isn’t one. I’m willing to give James a chance, but you don’t need to. Decide whatever you want, it won’t change my mind.”  

When Sirius spoke, his voice had lowered. His eyes flicked over Regulus’ face, but it was hard to tell what he was looking for. “Does this mean… you plan to strike up some sort of relationship with James?” he whispered. It might have been horror in his expression, but there was confusion, too. He was trying so desperately to understand, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know how Regulus felt. He hadn’t been there in high school or the years that followed. 

“I— I’m not sure,” Regulus replied quietly. “I have some things I need to do first.”

“B-but why?”

“Why?” Regulus repeated. 

“Why forgive him? Why possibly give him another chance?” 

There was a simple enough answer to that, at least. That didn’t mean Sirius would like it. “Because I love him,” Regulus said softly. 

Sirius made a strangled sound. “How do you know that? How do you know it’s not just side effects of the past? How could you know it’s real?” 

“How do you?” Regulus parroted back. 

Sirius’ mouth twisted. “What the hell do you mean?”

“How did you know you loved, Remus?” 

“I just did—”

“Exactly! You just do. Why is my word not good enough? Why don’t you trust me? Is it because in your eyes, I’m always a victim?” Regulus scoffed. 

“Because you’re a kid!” 

“I’m not. Get it through your head, Sirius! I’m young, yes, but I’m a grown fucking adult! I was a kid, and you missed it. Just because you’re so filled with guilt over it doesn’t mean that I’m still a kid. Get over it. We’re here now. Stop trying to make me a child, and learn how to move forward with where we are.” 

Sirius rose abruptly, stepping forward until they were face to face. “I don’t get you,” he said under his breath, his eyes burning through Regulus’ skin. “How the hell do you do it?”

“Do what?”

“You just— You accept things! You just keep on moving forward, like none of it matters, like it doesn’t affect you! You left home and didn’t look back. I came back into your life, and you just said okay and moved forward. You let go of your anger so quickly. Not to mention James. Why am I the only one holding a grudge? How can you act like nothing happened? Why? How?”

Regulus’ lips twisted into a grimace. “Things affect me. I just… What’s the point in letting it all continue to hurt me? What do I gain from that? I’m at a place in my life where I’d rather just let it all go. That doesn’t mean I forgive everyone. It doesn’t mean I’m not still angry, but I’d rather focus on other things. I’d rather make something of myself. How can I do that when I’m shackling myself to the past? Why should people like our parents have the satisfaction of dragging me down? Why should all the awful parts of my life get to control me? They don’t get that right. It’s not that nothing bothers me. If anything, I move forward out of pure spite.” 

“And James? Is that out of spite, too?” 

“No, that’s… I can’t really explain it to you, Sirius. I just know how I feel, and I know what I want.” 

Silence fell between them. It seemed like Sirius didn’t know what to say to that. He let out a heavy exhale, collapsing back onto the couch. “I don’t approve.”

“Nothing has happened yet aside from a conversation.” 

“But if it does.”

“Then you accept it, Sirius. I’m not asking you to like it or even support it, but don’t fight me. Trust me, because I’m your brother and I want us to continue to have a relationship.” 

“A-and what if I told James to stay away from you? What if he listened?”

At that, Regulus stilled. “Then… that happens,” he said hoarsely. “But I’d hope you wouldn’t. Because we should all get to make our own choices, for better or for worse.”

That might not have been the end of the conversation, but at that point, Remus cut in. “I think this isn’t going to get any more productive,” he said softly. He’d stayed silent so far, but now he looked between the two of them. “Regulus is right, Sirius. He should get to make his own decisions, even if you think they’re the wrong ones. It’s not your say. On the other hand, I see the same way you do how fucked James’ choices were. I know how it shattered our lives and the way you see him. It’s not an easy thing to come to terms with. No one is telling you to forgive him or be okay with it. All you can do is keep a watchful eye and see what happens.”

“Watch my brother get hurt at the hands of my much older best friend?” Sirius protested. “By the man who took advantage of him and slept with him when he was a teenager? The man who lied to us for years? Is it not my responsibility to stop it?”

At least Sirius hadn’t called Regulus a child this time. Remus shook his head slowly. “It’s not. If you’d been there back then, yes. But not now. Your responsibility is to be there for your brother. Be someone he can turn to and trust if things ever do go bad. Support him and love him, Pads. But don’t dictate what he does with his life. Regulus is right, he’s an adult.” 

Sirius didn’t seem happy about that, but he didn’t argue any further to Regulus’ relief. Instead, he turned to Regulus, his jaw clenched. “I will—” he broke off, swallowing thickly. “I want you to trust me,” he whispered. “You didn’t tell me you’d seen James because you knew what I’d say, right?” 

“R-right,” Regulus agreed. 

“Then… Just promise you will be honest with me in the future. If you need something, anything at all, tell me. If things are going wrong and you’re hurting, come to me,” Sirius pleaded. “I’ll help. I-I love you, Reggie.” 

Regulus sat at the edge of the couch, reaching out to poke Sirius’ knee. “I promise,” he murmured. “I love you too.” 

That was as good as they were going to get, but Regulus found he didn’t mind. Sirius would likely never be okay with it, but as long as he stopped trying to change Regulus’ mind… they could make this work, couldn’t they? 

__

Tennessee hadn’t gotten the memo that it was Autumn. The leaves were still green, and the sun was still shining brightly overhead. 

“It’s hot as hell here,” Regulus grumbled as Pandora met him at the airport, pulling him into a tight hug. 

“Hello to you too, Regulus,” she laughed, the sound light. 

Regulus patted her begrudgingly on the back. “Yeah, yeah, it’s good to see you.” 

The whole way to the car and the hour drive to their hometown, Pandora regaled him with updates on her life, as well as Evan’s. She didn’t ask about what had prompted his spontaneous visit, and thankfully, she didn’t remind Regulus of how he’d promised never to return here. 

“Are my parents in town?” he asked quietly as they crossed the town line. 

Pandora hummed. “No, they’ve been abroad for the past few years. Word is that they don’t plan to come back at all.” 

“Huh,” Regulus replied shortly. 

“There are rumors about turning Grimmauld Place into a historic attraction of sorts. Though I also heard something about it becoming a wedding venue? Who knows how much truth there is in that, but it seems they might be moving away for good.” 

“Hosting weddings there,” Regulus scoffed. “That’s absurd.” 

“It’s only gossip as of now,” Pandora said softly. 

Pandora’s house was small, though vibrant. Nothing like the home she’d grown up in. The garden was full of flowers, spilling over into the walkway. The front door was painted lime green, and the front porch was filled with more wind chimes than Regulus could count. They sang in the breeze, the sound filling the quiet evening. 

Regulus grabbed his bags out of the trunk, following Pandora inside. Once he’d dropped his things in the guest bedroom, he joined her in the kitchen. 

“Hungry?” she asked, pulling open the fridge. 

“I could eat.” 

Still, she didn’t ask why he was here. 

“Pandora,” Regulus said as he watched her set ingredients on the counter. 

“Yes?” 

“Why’d you come back after you graduated?” She’d completed nursing school in spring, and she could have gone anywhere, yet here she was, back in the same place where they’d grown up. 

She paused, turning to face him. “I thought I could do more good here,” Pandora said simply. “I’ve never hated Tennessee like you did.” 

“So it’s selfless?”

“Partly. I wasn’t sure where I’d go after school, but when I found this house listed online, my heart told me to go home. The familiarity is comfortable, I like that. I like getting to build my own life here.”  

“That’s… nice,” Regulus said quietly. 

“I think it is.” She paused. “I-I feel like I made the right choice.”

There was an odd blush to Pandora’s cheeks, and Regulus straightened up. “Hey, what aren’t you telling me?” he demanded. 

“Nothing! Just… I met someone at work,” she said, her cheeks flushing into an even deeper shade of pink. 

“You have a boyfriend?”

“No! Maybe!” 

Regulus felt his face stretch into a smile. “Pandora.” 

“Don’t make it a big deal,” she huffed. “We’ve only been on a few dates.” 

“Do you like him?” 

“Of course I do. He’s… kind, funny, incredibly smart. A bit eccentric. Actually, you’d hate him. But I like him a lot.” 

“As long as he doesn’t treat you like shit, then he sounds okay to me. But if he does, I’ll kick his ass.”

“Don’t be silly,” Pandora tutted. “Barty and Evan have already offered that. There’s no ass-kicking needed.” 

“Fine, fine,” Regulus huffed. 

“Actually, about Barty and Evan.”

“Yes?” 

“Did you hear that Barty’s been staying with Evan?” 

“He mentioned it. Why? Is that supposed to mean something?” 

“Hm… don’t you think they’d make a cute couple?”

For a second, Regulus just stared at Pandora. “What the fuck does that mean?”

“I’m just asking a question.” 

“No, you’re not. You’re plotting something,” Regulus accused.  

Pandora smiled. “Me? I’d never.” 

Regulus laughed, rolling his eyes, and Pandora turned back to the food laid out on the counter, leaning over to turn on the stove. 

They ate dinner, and still, Pandora didn’t pry. She was careful like that. Regulus knew that eventually, she would, but for now, she was biding her time. She asked him questions about writing and New York, while Regulus questioned her about her job and her new boyfriend.

“Is there something you wanted to do while you’re here?” Pandora asked once they’d eaten and the dishes were washed. 

Ah, there it was. Worded so very carefully. 

“We should go out,” Regulus said, avoiding the thinly veiled question. “I’ve never been able to drink legally here.” 

Maybe she figured she’d get a better answer out of a drunk Regulus, because she nodded. “To a bar then? Ricky’s isn’t far from here.” 

“Now?”

“Unless you had something else you wanted to do tonight?”

“Not really.” 

That was how they found themselves at their town’s most popular bar. Regulus had never actually been inside, seeing as he’d left before he was of legal drinking age. Ricky’s wasn’t the sort of place you could use a fake ID at. The bar was too local, and the town was too small to get away with it. 

It was dimly lit and a little dingy inside, but clearly well-loved. Despite the early hour, the tables were almost full, and a crowd of men were laughing loudly at the bar. 

Regulus saw a few people he recognized, but no one did more than shoot him a look or two. His family’s reputation had always kept him pretty separated from the rest of the town, and none of his old classmates were around, so no one tried to talk to him.  

“Did many people from school stay in town?” Regulus asked once they’d settled into a table with their drinks. 

“A few. You remember Lottie?”

Regulus made a face. “Unfortunately.” 

“She’s married with a baby now.” 

“Who’d want to marry that girl?” 

“Her step-father, apparently.”

Regulus choked on his drink at that, nearly spitting it out. “What? The sheriff?”

Pandora leaned forward. “I guess they got caught having an affair right after high school, and he divorced Lottie’s mother. She went crazy afterwards, rightfully so. Tried to get their baby taken away, and when it didn’t work, she ran away to Nashville. I have no idea how that’s going, but supposedly she’s trying to live out her formerly abandoned dream of being a country singer.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“I know, it’s still quite the scandal. It’s been a few years since it got out, and people still gossip about it. Just a few weeks ago, Lottie posted a whole Facebook rant about people not minding their business and judging her life.”

“I’m just glad my shit never went public,” Regulus said under his breath. 

“Oh, people still talk about Mr. Potter,” Pandora said, raising her eyebrows. “They just don’t know the whole… you part of it.”

“Small graces.” Regulus grimaced. “And don’t call James that, it’s weird.” 

“James…” Pandora repeated. “You haven’t told me anything about that. The whole brother’s best friend thing? Him being back?”

“There’s not much to tell.”

“Really,” Pandora said, clearly not believing that. “So his return in your life has nothing to do with you being here?” 

“Not exactly… It was something you said to me, actually. About setting things free.” 

“Oh… Regulus—” 

Whatever she was about to say was interrupted by a familiar face approaching their table. “Regulus Black! I thought that was you, but I couldn’t quite believe my eyes.” 

“Mr. Pettigrew,” Regulus said, straightening up. “Uh— Hey?” 

The teacher looked much the same as he had in school, just with a little less hair than Regulus remembered. “Just Peter is fine,” the man smiled. “I’m not your teacher anymore, and you’re all grown up. If you can be in the same bar, I think first names are fine.” 

“Right, okay. It’s good to see you,” Regulus said, knowing how awkward he must have sounded.

Mr. Pettigrew— No, Peter, didn’t seem put off by that. “You too! Have you graduated college by now?” 

“In May, yeah.”

“You still writing?” 

Regulus nodded. “I’ve been working on a book. Kind of. It’s slow going.”

Regulus caught someone waving across the room, and Pandora rose, touching Regulus’ arm softly. “That’s my coworker, be right back?” Meaning, are you okay here on your own?

“That’s fine,” Regulus nodded. 

Peter gestured to Pandora’s abandoned seat as she crossed the bar. “Do you mind if I sit for a moment?”

“Go ahead,” Regulus agreed.  

Peter sat. For a moment too long, his eyes raked over Regulus, his eyes scrutinizing. When the teacher’s voice lowered, Regulus stiffened. “But really, have you been doing okay?” he asked quietly. 

Regulus frowned. “Of course. I’ve been in New York. I like it a lot there.” 

“I heard. Sirius reached out to me a while back.”

Regulus sucked in a sharp breath. He knew Sirius had spoken to Peter Pettigrew when he discovered the truth about James and Regulus. How much did Peter know? “I heard about that as well,” Regulus said, his voice tight. 

“He mentioned some things to me. Suspicions about your old teacher, Mr. Potter. It’s been eating me up since then. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay!” Peter added quickly. “You don’t need to say anything. Just… if it was true, I want to apologize for not seeing the signs and failing to protect you—” 

“Did you tell anyone?” Regulus asked abruptly. “About what Sirius said? About James?” 

Peter’s eyes widened. “James,” he repeated, in much the same way Pandora had a few minutes earlier. Regulus was tired of people saying it like that. Of course, he knew why it was such a scandal to those who knew, but still, Regulus wished everyone would stop walking on eggshells. Stop treating him like a victim. 

“Yes, James. Should I expect it to become the talk of this god-awful town? Not that I plan to stick around, I’m only visiting. I’d still rather not become the next juicy chunk of gossip.”

Peter shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I haven’t said anything. I won’t.” A heavy pause. “So it’s true then?” he asked hesitantly. 

“That I had an affair with my teacher?” Regulus said, keeping his voice low. “Yeah. I did. But it’s all water under the bridge now. Mostly. As long as you don’t tell anyone, you don’t need to apologize.” 

Peter sucked in a shaky breath, raising a hand to his mouth. “Oh god,” he whispered. “I-I really thought what he’d said was true, that he’d resigned before anything happened. I knew you looked up to him, but I didn’t realize until Sirius reached out to me… Whatever you say, it was still the job of the adults in your life to protect you.” 

Regulus leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms. “You might be right. It shouldn’t have happened, but I didn’t really have adults in my life. My parents weren’t there, and my teachers couldn’t replace them. The only person who’s responsible is James, and I’ve forgiven him. So don’t beat yourself up, Mr. P— Peter. Plus, I promise James didn’t groom me or anything. I was of consenting age, and I loved him,” Regulus said honestly. He’d been hoping to ease some of Peter’s guilt, but now he looked distinctly uncomfortable. 

Regulus should have known better at this point. No one would be able to understand, and it wasn’t fair to expect them to. The fact that they didn’t probably meant they were good people. 

Peter opened his mouth. “But—”

“He was still my teacher and in a position of power over me,” Regulus finished, holding up a hand.  He’d heard that a hundred times by now. “Yeah, I know. I’m not saying it was right or okay. Just that you don’t need to feel guilty or responsible for it. I’m really okay. I don’t think the affair traumatized me or stunted my development or anything. Genuinely, I’m happy now.” 

Peter looked incredibly conflicted. “I-I can’t or won’t tell you how to feel,” he said after a long pause. “If you’re doing well, that’s all I can ask for.” 

“I am,” Regulus promised. “I have people looking out for me now,” he said softly, remembering Sirius’ promise. “I have my brother.” 

At that, Peter managed a smile. “I’m very glad you’ve reconnected. He’s doing okay, too?” 

“Yeah, he’s done well for himself,” Regulus murmured. He felt a warm sense of pride in his chest for that. Sirius was proof to Regulus. Adulthood wasn’t a do-over. It didn’t erase their childhoods, but it was a chance to make new decisions, go new places, start fresh. It was freedom. Regulus could be who he wanted to be now. 

He knew what he wanted his life to look like now. 

__

On  Regulus’ third day in Tennessee, Pandora got called into work, leaving Regulus to his own devices. He was starting to get a sense for the story he wanted (needed) to tell, and after packing up his bag, he headed to a local cafe. 

It was quiet inside as it was a weekday afternoon. Regulus set up in the corner, plugging in his dead laptop and settling in. He sipped his coffee as he waited for it to boot up, enjoying the warmth and quiet of the cafe. Thankfully, he didn’t recognize any of the few people inside. A woman was sitting a table away, but she had her head buried in her laptop as she typed quickly, clearly paying no one else any mind. 

Regulus watched his screen light up and loaded up his writing software, biting his lip as he stared at the blank first page of his manuscript. He’d scrapped his work time and time again. Nothing came out quite right. 

Set it free, Pandora had said once. That was the reason Regulus was here. The familiarity, the memories, it terrified him. Every time he went outside, he felt like he was in fight or flight, waiting for a ghost to turn the corner. This town left a wall in his path. He couldn’t write something that felt honest and truthful if he didn’t face the past. 

It’s just a place. Just a town, just a state. Tennessee never did anything to me. It was only the people here, and they’re all gone now. 

Fingers hovering over his keyboard, Regulus began to write. 

The sun rose higher in the sky, and he managed to bang out a few thousand words. Reading them over, Regulus’ stomach twisted. It wasn’t right. 

This wasn’t supposed to be just a story about a toxic, immoral relationship. At its core… it was about love. The good, the bad, the dirty. The in between. The way love existed between those boundaries that people tried to apply to it. 

Regulus leaned back in his seat, staring at the page until the words blurred together. Before he could think better of it, he pulled out his phone, scrolling through his contacts. He didn’t allow himself to second-guess the decision as he hit the call button. 

The line rang for a long moment, and Regulus held his breath. 

There was a crackle as it picked up. “Hello?” 

“It’s me,” he said quietly. 

“Regulus?” 

“Yeah. I’m in Tennessee. Are you busy?”

James made an odd noise. “No, I’m on lunch. Did you say you’re in Tennessee?” James asked incredulously. 

“I know, crazy. I came to visit Pandora. Kind of. Mostly, I came to figure some shit out.” 

There was a long pause on the other side of the line. “Did you? Figure shit out?”

Regulus shrugged, though James couldn’t see him. “Maybe. I’m working on it. But that’s not why I called. I have a question for you.” 

“Uh… okay?” James said weakly. “Shoot?” 

Regulus stared blankly at his screen, letting out a sigh. “If you had to compare love to something, what would it be?” 

“That’s a vague question.” 

“Okay? Then give me a vague answer. I just want to know what you think. I’m trying to work on my novel.” 

Despite his comment, James’ reply was instant. “A hand.” 

“Love is a hand?” Regulus repeated. 

“It’s as good or bad as what you choose to do with it.” A beat. “But I used to think of it as a gun.”

Regulus laughed, shaking his head. “Of course you did. Though I get it, does love not often feel like getting shot in the chest? 

“Sometimes,” James agreed. “But I don’t think it should.”

“Then what should love feel like to you?”

James hummed thoughtfully. “I don’t know… Like a porch light left on. A lighthouse. Certainty. Coming home after a long day and taking your shoes off at the door. Like catching sea foam in your hands.” 

“That last one implies fleetingness,” Regulus commented. 

“Sometimes it is. Sometimes that once second when it’s cupped between your fingers is worth it. Sometimes it leaves something behind, a shell maybe, sand beneath your fingernails.” 

“You sure you don’t want to write this for me?”

“Absolutely not.”

“It was worth a try,” Regulus sighed. “I don’t know how Sirius has managed to pump out so many books recently. I feel like I’m at a dead end.” Regulus didn’t notice how the woman near him lifted her head at that, her typing ceasing suddenly. “It was easier in college. I had guidelines and instructions to follow. None of my stories felt as important as this.” 

“Because you want this to be your debut?” James questioned. 

“No.” Regulus huffed. “Because I have something important to say. But it’s so big, it almost feels impossible to find the right words to say it.” 

James was quiet for a moment. “Maybe you’re making it into something bigger than it is,” he advised. “If you worry less about how important it is, it might come easier. Honestly… it might be better to write something that means less to you first. The biggest story you have to tell shouldn’t necessarily be your first.” 

“You think I should put it on the back burner?”  

“That’s your choice to make. I just think it sounds like something you might have to sit with for a while first. Surely, you have other things you’d like to say to the world.” 

Regulus did. That was the curse of a writer. So many things to say and never enough time. The right words always danced just out of reach. Sometimes, he’d get close, but there was usually a nagging feeling that there was something he hadn’t quite gotten right. 

“I might,” Regulus muttered. 

James laughed softly. “Then think about it. Don’t push too hard before you’re ready.” Regulus hummed in response. There was a moment of silence, and Regulus heard crackling coming from the other side of the phone, as if James was shifting. “What’s love to you?” he asked suddenly. 

Regulus considered that for a moment. “The ocean,” he said decisively. “Beautiful, dangerous, devastating. Bigger than we’ll ever be able to understand. It’s neither good nor bad, it just is. We assign meaning to it, but it’s been here longer than us. That’s what’s important to me, I think.”

“…The meaning that people apply to love?” 

“Yeah. A lot of people have told me a lot of different things. What’s wrong, what’s right. How I should or shouldn’t feel. I’ve realized I don’t really give a fuck. People feel how they feel, and it can’t be stopped.” Regulus’ laptop began to fall asleep, and he toggled his mouse to keep the screen awake. “But I like yours. A hand…” he said. “It could pull a trigger, sure, but it could hold someone, too. Touch softly, carefully.”

“Save a life, end a life…” James agreed. 

“It’s as good or bad as what you choose to do with it,” Regulus repeated James’ earlier words. “Yeah, that helps. Thank you.” 

“Don’t mention it. I still might have a good idea or two left in me.” 

“This feels just like old times, you and me being all pretentious.” 

“Me, pretentious? Never,” James scoffed sarcastically. 

“What do they say, you can take the writer out of the… What is it? Out of the something… You can’t take the writing out of the writer? Ugh, no— Never mind.”

James chuckled. “That was a good try, Reg.”

“Don’t make fun of me.” Regulus smiled despite himself. “You can go back to your lunch now. I’ll leave you be.” 

“Regulus,” James said quickly before he could hang up. 

“Hm?”

“I-is it okay if I save your number?”

“O-oh. Yeah. That’s okay. We should talk when I get home.” 

“Okay,” James said softly. “Just let me know.”

“I will.”

“Bye, Regulus.”

“Bye.”

Regulus hung up, laying his phone on the table. He sighed to himself, frowning at the page. Maybe James was right. The most important story didn’t need to come first. Closing his document, he opened a new one, straightening in his seat. 

He’d had an idea or two floating around. Even if he didn’t get far, starting something else might help overcome the block. 

Just as he was about to start typing up some plot idea, the woman next to him stood approaching his table. Regulus paused, taking out his earbud. “Uh, hello?” 

“Hey there,” she said in greeting. 

Regulus frowned. He didn’t recognize her. She was older than him, probably around Sirius’ age, with pale, freckled skin and bright red hair. “Uh, hello? Do we know each other?” 

“Not exactly. Do you mind if I sit?” She gestured to the empty seat, and despite his confusion, Regulus nodded, not wanting to be rude. “I overheard you on the phone,” she explained. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but Sirius’ name is kind of distinct, so it stuck out.” 

“You know my brother?” 

“He’s a good friend of mine. Regulus, I presume?” 

“That’s me…” 

“This is going to be uncomfortable,” she warned, and Regulus frowned harder at the preface. “But it’s a crazy coincidence we ended up in the same place, so I didn’t feel like I could just ignore it,” she said. “You lived here, right?” 

Regulus nodded, though his mind was twisting in circles. He felt like he should recognize this woman. She knew him, but he was certain they’d never met. Why had she warned him? “Up until I graduated high school,” Regulus said, his eyes narrowing as he fought to place her. 

“I’ve been here about six years now. I’m a writer too,” she gestured back to her open laptop. “My ex moved us here for his job, but I ended up really loving it and sticking around after we got divorced.”

Regulus’ breath caught in his throat, his ears ringing as he stiffened. No. Oh fuck no. It couldn’t be. Did God hate Regulus that much? 

Seeing his reaction, the woman cocked her head. “Sirius told me you’d come back into his life. He heavily implied that it was something I should talk to my ex-husband about. I didn’t, because I didn’t really care. Getting divorced meant I was free of that bullshit. Plus, I could guess the reason why he thought it was important, especially after finding out that Godric is Sirius’ hometown. And yours. You were in high school when we first moved here. If you’re a writer, I bet you were James’ student.” She smiled. “I’m Lily, by the way. 

Regulus cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably. “H-how much do you know?” 

“I know my husband had an affair with a student. He came clean after the divorce. Probably couldn’t bear the guilt.” Lily shrugged. 

Lily was a beautiful woman. 

In Regulus’ mind, James’ wife had only ever existed as a distant figure. A faceless shadow. As a teenager, he didn’t think he’d ever fully conceptualized the fact that he was a homewrecker. Now, faced with the woman herself, his heart sank. 

She was clearly whip smart and formidable, able to hold this conversation without flinching or shying away. The look on her face was hard to decipher. Was she angry? Did she want a fight? Did she want to slap him? Regulus would let her. He deserved that much. 

“Right,” was all Regulus managed to choke out. 

“I’m not trying to accost you,” Lily said, as if she’d read his mind. “I’d just like to talk if that’s okay.”

“T-that’s okay,” Regulus said weakly. 

“Good. I assume that means I was correct. It was you. And you’re Sirius’ baby brother, what are the odds?”

“Cruel,” Regulus muttered. 

“I’m sure,” Lily agreed. She exhaled slowly, studying Regulus. He let her, unsure what else to do. “I thought I’d be angrier if this day ever came. But looking at you now… you’re so young. How old are you even?” 

“Twenty-three.” 

“And you were what, seventeen or eighteen during the affair?” 

“Eighteen. Old enough to know better,” Regulus said quickly. “To understand the concept of cheating and that it was wrong.” 

“That’s true. So why’d you do it? Did James manipulate you? Coerce you? Once I wouldn’t have thought that like him, but clearly, I didn’t know him as well as I thought.” 

Regulus shook his head instantly. “No, not at all. I knew about you, I just… I never met you or even saw you. I don’t think I thought of you as a real person,” he said shamefully. “Of all the things that were wrong with it, I didn’t consider you. I know how awful that is, but it’s the truth.” 

“Ah, teenagers,” Lily muttered. “Thank you for being honest at least.”

“I’m sorry,” Regulus said, forcing himself to look Lily in the eye. “I really am so sorry.” 

Maybe she could feel the emotion in his voice, because somehow, Lily softened ever so slightly. “I appreciate the apology. It doesn’t put things right, but at least you know you’re wrong, and you’re sorry for it. I can accept that. I don’t hate you, Regulus. I resent you, yeah, but if you hadn’t stolen my husband, it would have been something or someone else. I actually don’t blame you as much as I could. Or maybe should.” She laughed, an edge of bitterness there. 

“You’re not going to say I was the helpless victim or some bullshit?” Regulus asked in surprise. 

“If you say he didn’t manipulate you, then you knew what you were doing?”

“I did.” 

“Then I don’t think you were helpless. You were young and a high schooler. The majority of the fault is on James. I’m sure you’ve got some kind of fucked up mommy and daddy issues that made you vulnerable to a relationship like that. But can’t two things be true?”

“Yes,” Regulus said instantly.  “J-James didn’t take advantage of me. I made my own decisions, but he shouldn’t have done it either. I’m sorry for ruining your marriage.”

 “James ruined our marriage.” For some reason, Lily laughed. “You know, I can see why he liked you. I can’t understand how he could have possibly gone so far as to fuck you, but you’re exactly the type of person he’d become enamored with.”

Regulus swallowed. “I don’t know what to say to that.”

“That’s fine. You don’t need to say anything else. I appreciate your apology. Now that I’ve seen your face, I feel like I can finally wipe my hands clean of all of this. I have a girlfriend now. My life is good, and I don’t need to dredge up my failed marriage or cheating ex-husband any further. I just couldn’t let the opportunity pass me by when you were sitting right here.” Lily stood, brushing her hands over her pants. “Good luck with your book.”

“T-thank you?” Regulus said, the words coming out with an embarrassing squeak. 

Lily turned, heading back to her own table. Regulus just sat there in a state of shock. He was debating whether he should get up and leave when Lily began to gather her things, heading out the door as she waved goodbye to the barista. She didn’t look back, and as soon as she was out of sight, Regulus sagged in his seat. 

He hoped at least that this encounter was therapeutic for her. Regulus, on the other hand, felt like he’d been run over by a semi-truck. 

The guilt weighed on him. Not just for being a homewrecker, but for the fact that he’d never felt as guilty about it as he should have before. Now, it all hit him at once. He dropped his head onto the slightly sticky table, taking in a deep breath. 

Fuck, this never started to get any easier. A few bad decisions left ripples that lasted for years, affecting countless people. Hurting them. 

Regulus knew in that moment that whatever he decided next, he had to be certain it didn’t cause more pain.