Chapter Text
I’m not alone.
But I’m missing someone.
Four years have passed since I last talked to Jessica, and if I think about our relationship, it was never easy.
At first of course it was easy, we became friends immediately. The problem was that I didn’t just see her as a friend, and it was inevitable. Jessica was everything she admired in someone; She was hardworking and confident in herself, while also being kind to others despite how competitive the training was. She was of course pretty, but I think she truly shined while she was singing, it was magnetic, I couldn’t help but stop everything to watch her sing. I didn’t even need to watch her, an instructor once told me when I got caught taking a break from my training schedule, but I didn’t listen. The instructor didn’t understand what I felt from just watching her.
I think about my first meeting with Jessica, and I don’t remember when it was the moment we first talked, but I remember it started when the group of a hundred trainees got reduced to twenty. So in the effort of trying to survive that, at some point we started helping each other.
Dancing was not my forte, but Jessica almost plainly hated it, so I made sure to learn every choreography to make sure Jessica learns it despite her complaining the entire time. Then Jessica helped me with my vocals, regardless being praised when I got scouted, once I heard Jessica singing I realized how much I was lacking.
We had a bond like no other trainees. It was uncommon, the training rooms were almost battlefields of trainees fighting over a spot in a group that still didn’t exist.
It was only after a year and a half they told were part of a future girl group they were going to debut.
Six months pass and from the group of twenty only 12 were left.
Three months pass and we got reduced to nine. They told us it was the final lineup, no more and no less.
The next months until our debut were a blur, every day was intense training, evaluations, weight checks, singing practices, etc. I remember sleeping in the training room to not waste time going back home.
Jessica worried over me, I let her worry. I helped Jessica to continue despite the harsh training, she let me help her.
It was the day of our debut, when I saw Jessica’s smiles after our performance, that I realized how much I love her. It should have been obvious, through the whole song all I could think was about her, and I worried because I saw her so nervous before the first stage.
The realization was bittersweet because I knew it wasn’t mutual, but even if by a miracle Jessica liked me back, it was too risky for the group. Idols dating is considered taboo, a same sex couple in unthinkable of. She doesn’t even want to imagine the reaction they would get.
So I decided to keep those feelings to myself, try to act on them as little as possible because that was the best option for everyone. For me, for the group and for Jessica.
The issue was that some fans could tell my softness around Jessica. Most people called the fans delusional for thinking that in a girl group a love scandal could happen, but they were right. The little group of fans slowly grew, to the point they were bigger than Taeny shippers. I became afraid.
My first reaction was to avoid Jessica. The worst reaction, but I was still young and insecure about everything, and the fact that I’m bad at sharing my feelings didn’t help at all. Therefore, I decided to hide, and elude my problems, which was Jessica. I took the opportunity that she changed dorms, and I was so subtle about it that she didn’t notice until it was too late.
I remember she tried sometimes to talk to me, it made me angry she didn’t understand, and it made me hate myself even more for hurting her. But I could not function around her, so it was the best option.
In conclusion, our relationship got ruined because of me.
I avoided her for four years, until the Mr Mr era.
Why? Because after giving it so much thought and torturing myself over how much of a coward I was, I realized couldn’t continue being so childish. I realized that I shouldn’t ruin our friendship just because I felt more for her.
It helped a lot that I felt calmer around her, it wasn’t as consuming as our trainee years, but it was still there. I was no longer afraid of my feelings towards Jessica, that’s what truly made change my mind.
However, it took me some months to talk to her again. I didn’t know how to approach to someone that I have ignored for years without even giving them an explanation.
One day I just forced myself to do it.
I spoke to her about something so stupid. It was about my blue pillow, I told her lost it and I wondered if she has seen it. She obviously didn’t, because I never lost it, I just didn’t know what to talk about. Nevertheless, it worked, no thanks to me. Because I knew Jessica had such a big heart she wouldn’t demand an explanation from me, she just took my sudden change in attitude.
Despite knowing Jessica, I couldn’t understand her. I ignored her in front of people, even in front of our members, but she never once asked me why, she never confronted me, and when I decided I was going to acknowledge her presence, she just accepted it. Jessica was too understanding, even when she didn’t understand a single thing about me. She knew I had a reason of why I did everything I did, and she respected it. I find my reasons stupid, yet Jessica knowing there is no valid reason for ignoring your friend for years, she comprehends me and still considered me her friend through all that time.
All this makes me angry at myself. However the happiness of talking again to Jessica was far superior to any other feeling she had at the moment.
It is no surprise that the day the company told us Jessica was planning on leaving the group, the happiness was gone, and it appeared anger than transformed into outrage at the whole situation.
I couldn’t process anything besides the fact that she left me us. I didn’t think about the fact that I did the same to her and worse, I didn’t think of her reasons, I just didn’t think. It wounded so much the fact that she left, that I lost myself in my emotions, much like I did in the past.
The worst of all, is that I fell back into bad habits, and threw all that fury at Jessica.
She tried to explain me what happened, thinking about it now I understand her and don’t blame her, but at that moment I just couldn’t. It didn’t make sense to me that she decided to leave when we were fine, when I was so in love with her. I didn’t want to lose her again, and it angered me that it was her running away from me.
I said all those horrible things to her. She for the first time got angry at me and told me what she truly felt.
I shout at her through the phone that she is ungrateful for just leaving us like that. I hear silence from the other line, I almost continue, but she starts shouting back at me.
“You say that?!” she starts, and it feels like a stab in my heart “Taeyeon, you ignored your friend and member of the group for five years, you didn’t give a crap about me, but one day, you decide that I can come back again to your life. I didn’t ask you why, afraid you might suddenly ignore me for our whole life, but I’m so exhausted, you exhaust me Taeyeon. Maybe, you are also a reason of why I’m leaving,” she says, and I could feel the tears forming in my eyes, but another wave of anger hit me, and I shout back other horrible things.
I end the call.
When I end it, I realize what just happened. Now I cry, I cry my whole heart out because I lost her again. Once again, it was all my fault.
After that phone call, I fell into a hole of dark thoughts. I blamed myself for it, I still do, but I did in a way it was unhealthy. I didn’t eat, I refused to go out of my room, I didn’t let any member inside. I was rotting myself in my own room, and it felt right.
I should thank Hyoyeon who forced me out of that dark place.
“Taeyeon open that damn door or I’m going to open it!” I hear her shout as I lay on my bed. I continue staring at nothing as I hear the loud thumbs.
Suddenly the door opens. I look where the noise came, she didn’t break it, instead she used a clip or something like that.
“Taeyeon what the-, you lost so much weight,” she says as she opens the curtains, I close my eyes as the sunlight hits my eyes. I honestly don’t know what day or time it is; my phone died a week ago (or more) and I haven’t charged it.
“You need-,” and she stops as she stares at me, I could see the worry in her eyes, I don’t like it, so I avert my eyes. “First, to drink some water, then eat, and finally, we must talk,” when she finishes talking she walks to the bathroom to get me a glass of water. She sits on the edge of the bed and gives me the glass, I drink almost all of it in one gulp, I just realized I’m dehydrated.
She stands up to probably get me food, but I hold her wrist to make her stay.
“I-,“ I try to speak but tears make me stop, I breath and continue “thank you for coming for me,” I say now trembling and realizing in the state I was.
“No need to thank me, it is the least I could do for you,” and she hugs me. The moment she does, I explode and cry. I start crying so hard, and I know there is no way to stop.
From that day on, I truly became another person.
Now I can think more clearly, and if I feel like I don’t know what do, I know I can rely with my members. I had a talk with all of them, they asked, and I answered Some questions were difficult to answer, but I don’t regret it. Thanks to that I learned it’s easier to solve my problems by talking, people can always give you a second opinion that maybe you never considered.
Of course, I still take my time to tell my inner troubles, but I can manage to tell them to at least one person.
After crying and clearing all my thoughts, I decided that the best for Jessica is to not get involved in her life again. Two times I broke her, I threw away our friendship, and I don’t want to ruin it for a third time.
Right now she is a successful CEO, she has opened different companies around Asia and even in the US. She is okay without me. It hurts to say that, but it’s true, why in the world would she miss me?
I stare through the window of my car as they drive me to my department. We are in the middle of winter and it’s currently snowing, the city looked a lot prettier covered in snow.
I’m currently in the middle of my tour, but right now my manager gave me a whole week to rest. I have worked so hard that he told me it wouldn’t hurt if I take a week off. I like it, but I don’t know what to do with so much free time.
So I’m overthinking, that is how I ended up thinking about Jessica. When I think I about her I get a bittersweet feeling. I still love her, the same way I did when we just debuted, but it hurts how she is no longer part of my life. All because I didn’t know how to express myself.
I get to my house, and I sit in my desk. All these feelings where almost consuming me, so I decide to write. Writing helps me to then write the lyrics of my songs, so why not make useful my thoughts.
I was so into it that I didn’t notice it started to get dark. When I could no longer see what I was writing, I stand up to turn the light on. I do it, and when I was about to sit, I hear my phone ringing. It was on my bed so as I sit I check who is the caller.
ID: Unknown
I stare at the caller thinking how it might be a saesang, but could also be work related, or one of the girls who just changed her number. So I decide to answer.
“Hello?” I say, the other person stayed silent, but I could hear their breathing “Um, if you don’t answer I’m going to end the call.”
“Taeyeon,” says the voice, and my heart starts racing. Are my ears failing me? Could it be her?
“Jessica?” I ask. It has been a long time since I last said that name out loud, even though it’s always in my mind, it feels strange.
“I-,“ she stops, and my heart is beating so hard that I could no longer hear her breathing, I was almost afraid she could hear it. “Sorry, I just never thought you would answer me”.
“I never thought you would call,” I reply not believing I’m really talking to her. My heart is a complete mess, but somehow, I also feel at ease while hearing her voice, how did I even manage to not contact her for so long? I missed this warm feeling.
“You are not angry?” she asks.
“Wha- Why would I be mad at you?”
“Because last time we talked you were really angry,” she says as I feel hurt just by remembering our last talk.
“I was, but it was stupid, and… aren’t you hurt by what I said?”
“Of course it hurt what you said,” I feel guilty by hearing that. “But I’m more worried about how much I must have hurt you to make you so furious,” she explains. Even now she is the understanding Jessica. How can she think of my wellbeing when I’m the one who totally ruined it?
“The reason I got angry is stupid. I’m the one you should blame for everything, for how I ruined our friendship two times, you deserve to be angry at me, you have every right to ignore me,” I confess calmly.
“But I can’t Taeyeon,” she replies, and I swear I could imagine her face giving me a sad smile while saying that.
“Why not?” I ask.
“Isn’t it obvious?” she asks back, and I don’t reply, so she keeps on. “Because I love you, I love you so much that I forgave you the first time you ignored me, I love you so much that the second time I couldn’t find a reason to blame you, so I blamed myself. I love you so much that I decided to call you without caring that we might end up worse than before, or the fact that you don’t lov-,“ I interrupt her.
“Stop, don’t finish that Jessica. Don’t think that, because the reason of why all of this started, is because I fell in love with you the day we debuted,” I take a pause, my heart beating erratically. “Afraid of my emotions I decided to ignore you, through those four years I learned to fully accept them, and the fifth year was the one we started talking again. I was happy, I could live as your friend, it was better than as a stranger. However, when I heard the news I felt like my world crashed. I was afraid of losing you, and I got angry at the world, but I made the wrong decision of calling you, and got angry at you. I hurt you all those times because I love you, and I decided that if my love was the one who made you suffer, then it is not a love I should share. You deserve something better.” I finish explaining what has been in my head all this time, every detail and feeling I have for her. She didn’t answer, and I just noticed my hands were shaking like crazy.
“Tae,” she says in such a soft tone that it makes me melt and forget my worries “You know that phrase ‘third time lucky?’” she asks, and I know. I’m sure I know, but I can’t believe what she is implying. “Just open your damn door, I’m freezing outside,” she demands interrupting my train of thoughts. I open my eyes out of astonishment and immediately hung up.
I run to the door.
I don’t think about the fact that my house is a mess or wonder how she got here.
I just open the door.
There she is, wearing a perfect brown long jacket for this freezing winter, with a grey sweater under it, black jeans, and black boots. You can clearly tell she is the CEO of a clothing company.
Because of the boots she looks quite taller than me. Her hair is of the same caramel color, maybe it’s a little shorter Her face, I missed so much staring at those brown eyes, she just looked as pretty as always. I stare at her face, and even if she hasn’t changed one bit in four years, she gives me this mature vibe.
“Are you going to let me in or just stare my face the whole day?” she asks teasing me. I feel my face burning and I move from the door to let her in. I close it and guide her to my living room for us to sit.
“Jessica, I-“, I try to say something coherent, but a pair of soft and sweet lips interrupt me. My arms immediately wrap around her neck as her hands stay on my waist. We move in sync; the soft kiss quickly turns aggressive, even desperate, almost compensating all the years we wasted. Her lips were so addictive, I felt like my whole body was burning, but it felt so right to be kissing her. I open my mouth to let her enter, I feel her tongue, and I can’t help letting out a little moan.
We continue until we are both out of air. Jessica guides me to my sofa, she sits while still holding onto my waist, and my reaction was to straddle her lap to not fall. My hands were still around her neck, so I start playing with her hair in an effort of calming myself down. This whole moment still feels surreal.
Jessica interrupts the silence.
“So, are you ready to try for a third time?” Jessica asks looking straight into my eyes, I could tell she was nervous, her hands were a little too stiff on my waist and squeezing a bit too hard. But I couldn’t care less, she was here with me.
“You said it, third time lucky,” I reply also staring her brown eyes. I unconsciously grin, and she smiles back.
She hugs me and buries her head in my neck, and I wrap my arms around her naturally. I missed her hugs. I missed Jessica.
We stay like that for who knows how long.
We held into each other still not believing that all of this is real.