Archive of Our Own ^beta

In another universe, his dad doesn’t leave, he grows up in a loving family. Together, he and his dad fund his mother’s medicine so she’s able to stay stable. He finds a nice college, one he actually wants to go to, and becomes an astro-physics professor teaching at the local Las Vegas University. He’s able to settle down and he finds a nice girl, they get married and he has a set of kids. He’s able to grow old.

He can wish.

Instead, he drew the short straw and his dad left when he was 8. He’s barely able to find enough money to fund his mom’s medicine, pay the bills, tuition, and feed himself. So he ends up going hungry more often than not and the waters cold and his mother’s mood changes with the wind. He forces himself to go to CalTech, the closest college that actually caters to his needs. And on a chilly day he finds himself ducking into a random lecture hall to listen to some man named Jason Gideon talk about the wonders of the Behavioral Analysis Unit. He moves to Virginia and never gets a moment to himself. And when he does, a case always interrupts it and he ends up more broken than before. He sees the horrors of the world and wishes that he could go back to what he didn’t know then was the sheltered life of his childhood.

His name was Spencer Reid and he was born to fly.

Not literally, but in a figurative, restraint-less, way.

Except flying would have to wait.

Because Spencer Reid was 24 years, 7 months, 6 days, 12 hours, 54 minutes, and 2 seconds old and he probably wasn’t making it to the 7th day.

He did not hate Tobias Hankel-he had decided a long time ago-but he did hate Raphael and Mr. Hankel. His hatred for the two did not help his careless choice to trust Tobias when all 3 looked the same. His lack of fear for Tobias most likely had something to do with the dilaudid and the way his fingers shook around him.

However, this trust did not erase the fact that Spencer Reid was currently digging his own grave in the middle of the woods at night with a gun pointing at his head. He couldn’t feel his fingers, or his toes. It may have been the drugs, or the fear.

He hoped to whatever was above that the team was coming. That the clues he sent to Hotch were enough.

(The Narcissism Speech hit Spencer Reid right in the gut and brought him straight back to that dreaded hospital where he had a gun to his head-he seems to have a gun to his head a lot-and Hotch kept going on and on about how useless he was and how annoying and how useless and how annoying and how useless and how)

Flying is a concept in of itself. For years people of the world have dreamed of flying. Just the idea that you could achieve weightlessness and float through the air was a thrill that people couldn’t pass up. For the longest time, people just thought about the idea, the possibility, and until the Wright Brothers nobody actually flew. And then from there it became a Flying Field Day.

Before the BAU, Spencer Reid had never flown before. And suddenly he was flying all the time all over the place. He did wish that maybe once his flight didn’t end in dead bodies and broken families, but that would be a miracle if that were to happen.

This time though, he didn’t expect his flight to end in his own dead body. And at the rate they were going, he’d be flying home in a casket. But he wanted to go, so maybe it was his fault. Maybe he knew from the beginning that one of these flights would drop straight to his grave. A one way ticket to the world beyond.

Distantly, Spencer Reid wonders how his mom will react. Will she even notice? Will she forget and ask the doctors each time what happened to her daily letters? He wishes he could have said goodbye. Or maybe sent one last letter. An apology for leaving perhaps.

If he had this opportunity, it’d probably just say I’m sorry . Sorry for what? That’d take awhile.

The dirt cakes his fingers despite the shovel and he begins to lose grip on the pole. He wonders if the grave will be dug before he collapses, and if it’s not will Tobias finish it for him. Will he get a proper burial at the mercy of his abuser?

The notion comforts Spencer Reid to some extent. Giving up to the comfort of a bed of dirt is starting to consume him to a worrisome extent. However, he can’t find it in himself to care.

When he drops the shovel for the third time and is hit with the barrel of the gun, he distantly thinks that this is his time. Lying in a quarter dug grave, too weak to move anything, Spencer Reid wonders what it’s like to be dead. Maybe it’s like flying.

Theres scientific facts out there about what happens to the body after death, but not the mind. He does know that when he dies he will return to the dust and atoms that formed him and no longer will his body be a physical object that someone can touch, hug, kiss, or love. He will be a nothing.

This thought is entirely too comforting, and his brain is starting to slow. It’s moving too sluggishly for him to process anything.

A lot of things happen at once in that moment, like a rapid succession of photos being taken.

Flash: There’s a glimpse of light through the trees and the harsh sound of yelling.

Flash: The Raphael version of Tobias Hankel whips his head towards the trees and takes his focus off of Spencer Reid.

Flash: Spencer Reid grips the shovel and with the last of his energy he knocks Rafael out and is able to take the gun.

Flash: Spencer Reid comes to the bitter conclusion that only one of them deserves a second chance at life; an opportunity to make amends.

Flash: The sound of a gun going off echoes throughout the forest.

Flash: Tobias Hankel’s eyes go blank.

In another universe, Spencer Reid pointed the gun at Tobias Hankel and collapsed into Hotch’s arms, grateful to be alive, and consumed by the elation dilaudid gave him-the thrill of flying. In that universe, Spencer Reid tore himself apart for a job he should’ve left behind him a long time ago.

But in this universe, Spencer Reid turned the gun towards himself and pulled the trigger.

In this universe, Aaron Hotchner stared down at the blood seeping over his shoes and felt the loss of a son.

In this universe, Jennifer Jareau throws up over the porch of the Hankel cabin and comes to the conclusion that it’s her fault.

In this universe, Penelope Garcia falls into a silent panic and can’t seem to find a way to will her hands to work and type again.

In this universe, Emily Prentiss wonders who the boy in front of her really was and if anybody actually knew him for what he was worth.

In this universe, Derek Morgan kneels at the head of the boy he called a friend and vows to never allow himself to get that close to anyone again.

In this universe, Jason Gideon stands off to the side and shuts his eyes tight, trying to erase the memory of sparkling eyes alive with the thrill of belonging.

And in this universe, Spencer Reid was able to fly.