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His elbow rested against the railing. Kazuhira Miller was never one for early mornings, finding it tedious to get out of bed and dress himself more than ever with the lack of limbs. However, it seemed the motivation had stirred within him, for he now stood outside in the breeze of dawn, watching the sun rise slowly over the roaring ocean he called home.
Diamond dogs was something he created, a world built on the ideals of a free man in war. It wasn't his alone, for he had Big Boss, a legendary soldier of the political world, at his side. Big Boss motivated him, instructed him, loved him...or so, Kazuhira believed in the past. He knew now, that Big Boss was gone. The man had left, had sold himself short--not in death but in public assertion. The Big Boss with Kaz was not the Big Boss in his memories. This didn't change how he felt about Venom Snake, the shadow of that legend, but it greatly transformed how he felt about his former friend. Something about it only kept a lingering throb deep within his heart. It hurt.
So, here he was, sitting in the bright morning of fog as motherbase trembled with the powerful waves thrashing at its sides. Kaz's fingers were gripping the handle of his coffee mug, steaming with a fresh brew from the pot. Some soldiers were awake, murmuring about and yawning from their nightshift duties. They greeted him as he limped past, saluted him--offered him help with his leg. Kazuhira would smile, but simply say no thanks, I don't need it. He didn't want to be weak. There was no room in Diamond Dogs for him to be weak--not like this. He took a sip of his warm brew, gently pressing his lips to the mug in order not to burn his skin. The steam rolled up, fogging his glasses a bit.
"You never take those off, do you?"
Kaz sighed. He knew that voice, and as unfortunate as his silence was ruined, he was quite grateful for the presence of the other man. Kaz appreciated Ocelot, more than he would ever let on to confess.
"Well, they belonged to my father. I'm also light sensitive, you know; I technically need them."
"Ah, yes. A memento and a necessity. If I didn't know better, I would say you sleep with them on," Ocelot chuckled, getting shoulder to shoulder with Kaz, "but I am not that enthusiastic to watch you sleep."
Kaz huffed at that answer, turning his head to look at Ocelot, "Do you like my sunglasses?"
"I couldn't picture them on anyone else."
"You don't need to. Eli steals them constantly."
"And he steals my chair from the medical platform, I know. He's gotten rather good at getting under your skin."
"Yeah? I might need to call a doctor to get him removed from there. He may be a kid but kids begin to form habits that age. Stealing my sunglasses isn't going to become one."
Ocelot let a chuckle escape his lips, turning his attention out towards the sea. The foam which was produced kept the man's senses alive in this early morning; Ocelot found himself getting unbearably tired due to his nocturnal habits as of recent events.
"It's rather nice of you to wake up just to visit me before I call it a day, you know."
"Oh, hush. You know I didn't wake up for you."
"Sure, Miller."
Alright, maybe Ocelot was half correct. With Venom Snake gone on missions more than ever now, probably to escape the looming ideas of his identity, Motherbase had become...lonely. Kaz was left to his thoughts, his actions; his ideas and dreams. Dreams he did not wish to have anymore, about his past, his present, and the eventual future, where he will kill Big Boss himself. That was more of a fantasy. One that Ocelot did not believe in, and one that Ocelot was well aware of.
On the other hand, Kazhuira felt himself reaching out towards Ocelot. They had worked with each other for a decade, marking yesterday, and even if the man was well known for getting under his skin, it wasn't always a bad thing. He needed a friend in these times of turmoil; these times of emotional depletion. Kaz was tired. He wished it was back the way it was in Costa Rica almost every night...knowing it won't be with only wishing.
"Are you staring at me again?"
Oh, he was. Kaz looked away, finding his face rather red. Ocelot turned to see Kaz's red face and cracked a grin, "you're such a nerd, Kaz." Kaz. Ocelot rarely used his nickname, but it somehow felt...nice. It made Kaz feel better about himself, even for a moment.
"You speak like you aren't one...Adam."
Now it was Ocelot's time to raise an eyebrow, but it wasn't out of surprise. More of a jest, a tease, towards someone he trusted.
"I never denied it. You're just being less sea salt and more fresh water today."
Kaz let out a chuckle, almost a laugh, "that's an interesting metaphor for you to use, but you're not wrong."
If only this bliss could really last. Just the two of them, talking, being friendly. This felt like a dream to Kaz. In the moment he still felt like he was in bed, eyes closed and head filled with sleepy thoughts of a perfect life; wishing for something that could never be true. Fortunately, this was one of those few instances where his dreams came true, even for a fraction of a day. He could enjoy his life as it was, smiling with a friend at his side.
He knew it would never last. Kazuhira's smile faded with the feelings he harbored a moment ago. Turning back towards the ocean, he took in a large breath. Ocelot's elbows leaned forward, arching the man's back like a cat's ready to pounce. Both stood in silence, in the warmth of their company, until Kaz's mug was drained of its beverage and Ocelot's wristwatch told him it was six in the morning.
"My shift is ending, it's high time I called it a night. Your turn to play commander, Miller."
"I hate it."
"What?"
"I hate being the commander. I hate this responsibility. I hate being here. I hate what we are doing and have to do and what's left to do--I hate this! I hate it all!" Kaz's voice was rising, and Ocelot knitted his eyebrows in pure concern.
"...You didn't sleep well again?"
"Of course not. It's been months since I've known John is not here. He's gone, he's probably doing something entirely different with his time and he doesn't have a single damn for us. Filling our heads with crap that he needs us someday--he just has Ahab doing all his heavy work and hell, I don't even truly know about you. For all I know, you're just John's little triple agent. You even self manipulated yourself for his sake. Can't you see that's...!" Absurd! Abusive! Wrong! Kaz wanted to shout everything at Ocelot, grab him by his collar and demand to know where Big Boss was. His breathing was heavy and he finally calmed himself down; Ocelot stared directly into his worn eyes until then.
"Miller, I...I know you're upset. Frankly, I'm...upset, too."
"What...?"
"I wish I could have been taken along with John," Ocelot turned back towards the ocean, "I still wonder if John even wants me anymore. What use he has for me anymore; if my love for him was just... invalid. That I'm invalid."
"No, Ocelot, you're not--"
"Of course. I know that. It's who you doesn't know that. You're valid. John cares for you, too. I only see it as a shame you get so angry about this still,"
Kaz hated that. It's a shame. To hell with that.
"but I can't change how you feel, only be there for you when it hurts the most."
Now Kaz's expression softened. Ocelot was reaching out first, not him.
"You're my friend. I hate seeing my friends suffer, especially over others."
Ocelot rested his hand gently on Kaz's shoulder, steering the man to lean against him. Kaz only did it to an extent, his shoulder rubbing into the crook of Ocelot's arm.
"Even if we end up fighting on opposite sides of this war, it's...okay."
It's okay, Kaz.
"Thank you."