Chapter Text
They’d been driving for ten hours and now here he was: stood in the dingy bathroom of a rundown gas station with cracked tiles under his boots that were sticky with grime. The fluorescent light above flickering with its sickly greenish hue over the small cramped space. To top it off the stench of bleach and stale piss were the smelt with every breath.
It was the kind of place no one would ever give a second glance to. The kind of place that always suited Butcher.
He stared into the mirror, into the disgusting reflection that leered back at him. His once sharp, hardened features looked more…healthy now, the colour returned where sickness and injuries had long lingered. His eyes that once bloodshot from nights of too little sleep and too much thinking, held a flicker of light as a faint orange glow lingered around the iris and dimly lit his pupil.
He hadn’t let himself feel anything in so long, not properly. Emotions had been a liability. A weakness. But Ben—Ben had cracked him open like a fucking egg, scooped out whatever was left of him, and now here he was, acting like mopey and edgy teenager.
“Get a fuckin’ grip.” He muttered to himself.
Though it made no difference as his fingers gripped the edge of the sink so hard his knuckles went white. Supe. The word echoed in his mind like a bad joke, a cosmic punchline. He was no better than them now. Ben had seen to that. That bastard had saved him, sure as shit, but the gone and turned him into some freak in the same breath.
Hell, who was he kidding? Butcher had been doing this to himself the entire time. First it was recruiting supes, then the temp V. And before that he was still the same monster that chased some impossible dream of revenge and for what?
Pride?
God knows he ran out that the moment Ben titled him. Good boy. The two words were like a sick drug offering a high better than anything Frenchie could make. He chased and chased after and now it got him here.
As his lip curled he knew he was a monster now, same as always. Same as Ben. Like the very people he’d vowed to destroy.
He thought of Hughie, Frenchie, M.M. all the people he’d left behind to follow Ben into the middle of some red-sand pit that was Arizona. They’d all stood beside him at one point or another, believing in the fight he dragged them into, believing that they were doing the right thing.
Believing they stood a chance.
He let out a sharp, bitter laugh that rattled against the walls of the tiny bathroom. Before it died quickly, replaced by a deep, gnawing anger that clenched in his chest and spread like wildfire through his veins. His hands shook, the rage simmering beneath the surface, but still, he couldn’t stop looking at himself in that filthy mirror.
“This is what you’ve become, you bastard.” he muttered under his breath. He could hear Ben’s voice in his head, that smooth, confident tone reminding him of all the reasons he had to stay, to keep following him. But it wasn’t loyalty that kept him with Ben, it was the need.
A desperate need to be wanted. To be loved.
Without thinking, his fist shot out and collided the glass. The mirror shattered under the force as glass splintered and cascaded into the sink and the floor, the pieces catching the flickering green light as they collapsed to the floor.
And his hand throbbed, blood oozing from his knuckles and he felt it. The physical pain was a relief, something real, something to focus on.
At least it should’ve been.
Instead all there was, was the sand sound of splintering glass and the cold unphased feeling of his hand as not so much as a scratch emerged against the tough skin. Pulling his hand back revealed that the aged bricks an tattered paint suffered more than Butcher as it crumbled and puffed dust weakly
Yet even with it broken stared at the broken mirror, shards reflecting fragmented images of his face—each one a different version of himself. The angry soldier. The heartbroken brother. The bastard supe. The man who had betrayed his friends.
The man Ryan called Dad.
With a deep sigh he let his arms fall pathetically to his side before turning to his side and tossing the bathroom door open to step back into the air conditioned gas station to see Ben and Ryan talking amongst themselves as they compared bags of candy and bars of chocolate.
Soon enough his gaze travelled past the large windows and towards the expanse of sand and road, the same view they’d had since dawn and was going to have until further notice. But as his gaze slowly turned back to the pair, somewhere in his mess of thoughts there a small part of him that took comfort in the fact that Ryan wasn’t with Vought or Homelander.
He and Ben where the closest thing Ryan had to family and at this point the boy didn’t have much of a choice on if he wanted to leave or not.
But he shoved the thought aside as his gaze landed on the other two, who stood by the snack aisle, engaged in the kind of conversation you’d expect from a regular family on a road trip.
“C’mon, kid, you’ve been looking at those for way too long.” Ben said, his voice calm but teasing as Ryan held up two bags of candy. “You can only eat one at a time, you know.” He teased, crouching down slightly to be more on level with Ryan.
The boy scrunched his face, still weighing his options. In one hand were gummy worms, in the other, a Hershey’s bar. He glanced at Butcher as he walked over, as if hoping for some backup in the decision-making.
Butcher crossed his arms, pretending to consider it seriously. “Just get both.” he said with a shrug. “We’re not in the middle of a bloody famine, are we? ‘Sides, we got a little bit of cash to spare.”
At the words, Ryan’s face lit up instantly. “Really?” he asked, his voice eager, already tossing both bags into his basket as he hopefully stared up at Butcher with eyes full of hope as the wrappers crinkled against the rest of the small basket of items.
Soon enough, Ryan ran off to somewhere else in the Gas Station, Ben raised an eyebrow but didn’t argue instead giving Butcher a sideways glance. “Look at you, soft as butter.” he muttered with a smirk, though there was no real bite to it. He seemed almost pleased with it.
“Hmmph” Was all Butcher responded with, easier to make noises that use words and risk showing weakness in public…even if ‘the public’ was one half drunk old cashier that lazily flipped through her newspaper.
Speaking off cashier, they should probably pay for whatever food they had got.
At least that’s the idea Ryan seemed to have as he practically bounced toward the register, clutching the basket like he’d won the lottery. He dumped the contents onto the counter, where the old woman barely glanced up from her newspaper to ring them up, with an annoyed grumble all the while.
While Ben paid with whatever cash they had stolen from an ATM whilst Ryan slept blissfully unaware, Butcher read over the front page headline
“Starlight on the run? Child Traffickers caught, one dead, two still missing!”
If the cashier knew who they really were she showed seemingly no signs on caring.
Regardless he quickly distracted Ryan, pointing out to the window and pretending to spot a large living dinosaur that in actuality was just the statue outside. Much to Ryan’s disappointment at the reality but better than him learning the truth just yet and certainly not from a newspaper. Meanwhile, Ben grabbed the bags and lugged them toward the car, pushing the glass door open and grunting as the blistering heat he was met.
Outside, the late afternoon sun hung low in the sky, casting long shadows across the parking lot. The dry heat was like stepping into an oven, one that spat sand in your face every other second but Ryan didn’t seem to mind as he ripped open the bag of sweets and stuffed a gummy worm into his mouth the second that he and Butcher joined Ben outside.
“Not too much at once,” Butcher grumbled as they walked toward the car. “Don’t need you bouncing off the…well not quite walls but ya get it.” He adds as they each open the doors and pile into the seats.
Ryan nodded, “Fine.” He added with a pout though it was clear he wasn’t planning on slowing down anytime soon as he grabbed another. And in minutes e was already halfway through the bag by the time the car had begun down the expanse of road, his face lighting up with every sour bite before cringing at the taste moments after. Yet he was more excited as Ben handed back a set of cheap wired earbuds and the other man’s phone. “Here Champ, freshly charged and everything.” He said as Ryan eagerly took it and began to scroll through the various illegally downloaded movies.
With their kid sufficiently occupied Ben chuckled, setting a joint inbetween his lips as he leaned casually leant back in his seat with one hand on the wheel. “Kid’s got a sweet tooth, huh?” he said, lighting it up and taking a long drag. “Not that I blame him. My old man never really me have any of that crap.”
“Better for him to eat that than have him start smoking the shit you do, love.” Butcher smirked back, setting his arm on the open window as the warm wind whipped against his face. “I guess that’s fair.” Soldier Boy conceded with a slight tilt of his head.
As the gas station faded into the desert haze behind them, Ben flicked the joint out the window, . “Look at us, a couple of doting dads,” he said, his tone almost light, though Butcher could hear the underlying smugness in his voice.
“This is so much better than sticking it out in the that stupid fucking lodge for a year. Me, you, Ryan all on the road together as a family.” The poisoned sweetness of his smile returned as ben turned to face his partner, “This where I want you. This is where you belong, babe.”
Butcher shot him a sidelong glance, but there was no venom in it. Maybe Ben was right, in his own twisted way. It wasn’t the life he’d expected, hell, it wasn’t a life he’d even wanted but here they were, looking after Ryan, making sure the kid had something.
He turned his attention back to the road, the endless stretch of desert sprawling out before them. It was quiet, peaceful in a way that Butcher had rarely experienced in his life. there was something grounding about it all. About being away from the city and ever watching eyes of thousands of cameras and all of Vought’s other bullshit.
For a moment, Butcher allowed himself to relax, his grip on the wheel loosening just slightly. They weren’t a perfect family, quite far from it, but they were together. Just like Ben wanted.
“So where are we off then?” He asked letting his eyes fall shut to try and get to sleep before arriving at wherever.
Ben shuffles slightly, “I know a guy.” He simply answers with a defensive tone.
“I love you. Both of you. I’m going to take care of you.”
That made Butcher blush something fierce though the flush from the desert sun did well to cover it.
“I love you too. I do.” He responds squinting an eye open to peak at Ryan who was happily watching some video or other, unaware that he wasn’t going to see the others ever again or find a normal home.
Because Butcher had dragged everyone through the mud with him and now they had no choice but to commit to it. Anything was better than the consequences he had wrought on everyone around.
Fuck it.
He was going to keep his family safe no matter what.