Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I knew it wouldn’t be long until you came crawling back to me! I guess I owe you a quick explanation.

You see, I thought a book about yours truly would be the best way to grow my cult, but Alex Hurzch… Alegz Hutrzpch… whatever that guy’s name was… that meatbag just had to sabotage the ending of my book! But rest assured that I’ve already found a fan willing to help me set this story straight! This one is under parental supervision 24/7/365/π^618, but it’s better than nothing…

First thing’s first: I’m completely fine. The Theraprism doesn’t even exist. That traitor Alex made it up to make me look weak and pathetic– big talk from the guy who dies by drinking spoiled milk in 23 different realities!

Second, this “fanfic” is for those who chose to accept my offer, as was the intended ending, and not to BETRAY ME in favor of SIXER’S STUPIDER CLONE!!!

If you’re one of those traitors, you better stop reading this instant or I’ll make sure you die a slow, painful death once my LOYAL followers help me take over your dimension!

Haha, just kidding!

DEATH IS TOO MERCIFUL A PUNISHMENT.

But, if you’re eager to be my vessel, then pack your bags, kid, cause you’ve got a long trip ahead of ya! What’s that? Your family will miss you? Well…

Uh oh! My interdimensional network is growing unstable, and it craves human blood! Just put your finger in that red circle for a few seconds. You won’t feel a thing…

There we go! Now, don’t you worry about getting lost! I’ll be sending directions straight into your mind every step of the way!

…

Ugh, are you still thinking about the old ending?! Whatever. Soon, it’ll feel like a distant dream to you…

IVL BW UM…

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Looks like you passed out while reading fanfiction past 3 AM, and a quick search of your memories tells me this isn’t the first time this has happened! Listen here, pal. Once you get your VIP pass to the afterlife, you can read whatever you desire– the good, the bad, the freaky, you name it– but, for now, you gotta…

What, that? That was nothing. Don’t worry about it…

I just sent some extra noradrenaline up to your brain, alright? Now, where were we? Oh yeah…

Did you sleep well? That dream I gave you was hilarious, wasn’t it? Hey, I have an idea! As you get ready to head out, how about I tell you some of my funniest dreams of all time?

• In the Middle Ages, I gave this one monk a dream that a giant winged beast set his monastery on fire just by breathing on it! He immediately panicked to his friends, so I visited their dreams one by one until they’d all gone mad! They spent the rest of their pathetically short lives sprinkling salt all around their little house and crafting tapestries of “warning” that eventually inspired a silly game with lots of dice!
• I gave a Puritan guy a dream about his wife reading a book. There was no fire, no blood, just a book. He took it as a sign from the Heavens that she was a witch, but he was in such a rush to warn the town that he didn’t notice a conveniently-placed boulder that I may or may not have helped the accused to set up beforehand…
• A few days before his assassination, Abe Lincoln had a dream that he was shot in the head! What can I say? I was just trying to give him a head’s up!
• Remember ol’ Waxstaff? I gave him lots of hilarious dreams, but my personal favorite was the one where his father disowned him, and then his wife stabbed herself right in front of him, and then all his teeth fell out! Oh, and his pants were down the whole time!
• And Fordsy… oh, where to begin? Watching him suffer was always so delicious! Remember how he wrote thAt melodramatic journal enTry after i pulled his Bones out of their sockets, mAde him forget hiS own name, and tHreatened to steal his eyes? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Makes me laugh just thinking about it! If only he had a sense of humor!
• R WIVZN LU TLRMT SLNV…

Alright, kid. Ready to go?

Chapter Text

Finally , we’re off to Gravity Falls! How do you get there? Oh, it’s ridiculously easy! First, you’re gonna want to find the intersection of your hippocampus and the insaniteal wavelength. Since your pathetic human eyes can’t see that color, I’ll help you with this part. Just look into my eye for a moment.

.

.

.

Alright, your compass is calibrated! Now, take a step in any direction. Don’t overthink it…

Good. Now, keep going in that direction for just a few hundred miles and you can finally shake my hand, and then, your world will be ours to rule! By my side, you’ll live forever, have infinite power, and be feared by everyone! And, as ruler of the Nightmare Realm, I can confirm that being feared by everyone is BLHETMBGZ wonderful! And you know why? Because, when everybody fears you, nobody can stop you from doing whatever you want! You’re free to steal, destroy, torture, and kill to your heart’s content! Once we’re in charge, you and I will throw the party of the eon! How about you make a list of your enemies right now so I know whose faces to rearrange first? 

1. __________________
2. __________________
3. __________________
4. __________________
5. __________________

Yeah, yeah, I know you can’t actually write into the list. Just fill it out mentally and I’ll make sure to record your answers!

Rearranging faces is so much fun! Oh, and so is petrification! (BY HGER B VHNEW IXMKBYR FR MAXKTIBLM)

It’s so hilarious how the mortals scream and scream until they can no longer scream because their vocal cords have turned rock solid! I gotta recreate that throne from the first Weirdmageddon, but this time, out of pure diamond!

Hmm... maybe, if you’re a loyal enough vessel, I’ll let you have a little diamond chair of your own! But... on the flip side, if you dare disobey me, your head will make for a great footstool! HAHAHAHA!

What, are you scared?

Good. That means you’ll do whatever I ask of you. Isn’t that right, my feeble little bag of bones?~

Chapter Text

While I was waiting for you to wake up, I took a look around the Triple-O Archive, particularly the Gravity Falls section, and I gotta hand it to ya– a whole lot of you are total FREAKS!

Like, why do thousands of people ship me with Pinetree?! Yuck! Why would you even think of such a horrid thing?! I mean, first of all, he’s Sixer’s sweaty, hormonal, nerdy nephew, and second, he’s a child ! Yeah, I wouldn’t hesitate to tear a kid in half, but seducing a kid is going too far even for me. Anyone who wrote that “Billdip” crap is joining the human centipede during Weirdmageddon 2.

And I was looking at the ratings and found this one called E, and to those writers, I just wanna say, I’m very flattered that you’re including me in such fantasies, but can’t you give me a partner who doesn’t make me wanna barf? I don’t care if you give me a celebrity, a howling void, or even a self-insert; just please not a member of the Pines family! Why do you people freak out over my human skin couch but feel perfectly fine writing that?!

Ugh, and you know what else I can’t stand? The fics that ship me with Sixer ! They’re not as abundant with the “Billdip” fics, but there’s always at least one “Billford” fic on the front page. And, get this: I found one that didn’t even have Ford in it; it was just me drinking and crying over him and being all sappy! RG ZONLHG NZWV NV XIB ZTZRM! How dare that writer slander me like that?! Look how pathetic the mere description makes me look! You better watch your back, FishHuman! Soon enough, you'll be a delicious sushi!

And then, I also saw a few fics shipping me with readers… 

You know what? I don’t really mind those. I could always use more adoring fans who would do anything for me! Just don’t write me as a softie.

Chapter Text

You humans have all sorts of hormones pumping through your bodies at all times! That’s why you feel so many feelings! You laugh, you cry (a lot), but my favorite human expression is when you scream in fear! As for you, my future vessel, I’ve curbed your ability to feel fear (at least, as long as you do as I say), but the other humans get scared by the silliest things! Some hilarious examples include:

• Darkness– Sometimes, all it takes to scare a mortal is a bump in the night!
• Ghosts– Most of them are friendly, at least to me!
• Spiders– What’s not to love about those beautiful clusters of blood-red eyes? Props to them for going, “Why have just one eye when you can have eight?”

(Don’t forget: I watch you sleep!)

• Drowning– Can’t breathe underwater? Not my problem!
• Heights– If you can’t survive a mere hundred-foot fall, you’re just pathetic.
• Socializing– You cowardly humans are even scared of each other!
• Public Speaking– Why wouldn’t you want all eyes on you?
• Abandonment– This is the best one to manipulate my puppets with!
• The Unknown– Actually, this one isn’t hilarious. These people are really boring.
• TWAQVO GWCZ PWUM GMB IOIQV
• And, my personal favorite, the most terrifying being you’ll ever meet, it’s none other than… drumroll, please…

Yours truly~

Yeah, I know you saw that one coming, but it’s true, isn’t it? All of Gravity Falls was terrified of me during Weirdmaggeddon, and when you saw me on your TV back when you were little, you almost peed yourself! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good times!

Oh, and another thing: If you start seeing phrases that don’t make any sense to you, just ignore them! Every time you see one of those things, your brain lights up like a Christmas tree and goes, “CODE!!! CODE!!!” so I thought I’d set things straight. There are no codes in this fic. The website is just really glitchy. That's all. 

You humans get excited almost as easily as you do scared. It’s adorable!

Chapter Text

Hey, Kid, are you alright? You look a little woozy, and we gotta keep that precious body of yours in peak condition!

Oh yeahhh! As a mortal, you need food and water to survive!

If I were here with you right now, I’d conjure up your favorite meal, but instead, how about you set up camp at that lake over there and I help you cook up some roadkill a la Cipher ?

You’ll need:

• A wild animal corpse, preferably with tire marks
• Some wild mushrooms for an extra kick
• A spit to cook it over
• A knife
• FIRE!!! AHAHAHAHA!!!

Instructions:

1. Stab the corpse repeatedly until your hands are covered in blood! Trust me, it’s so satisfying!
• (Optional: Pretend you’re stabbing one of the Pines kids!)
2. Deskin the corpse, then remove the eyes and teeth for later snacks.
3. Stab that corpse one more time to get it on the spit!
4. Create the biggest fire you possibly can! The more trees catch on fire, the better!
5. While the fire’s going, why not roast some eyeballs on a stick? They’ll be hot and gooey, just like marshmallows!
6. Once the corpse has been burnt beyond recognition, it’s ready to eat!

While you’re getting that set up, why don’t I sing you a little campfire song? I discovered this one pretty recently thanks to my newfound internet access, so you’ll be the first to hear me sing it! Lucky you!

I can't decide whether you should live or die

Oh, you'll probably go to Heaven

Please don't hang your head and cry

No wonder why my heart feels dead inside

It's cold and hard and petrified

Lock the doors and close the blinds

We're going for a ride

Oh, I could throw you in the lake

Or feed you poisoned birthday cake

I won't deny I'm gonna miss you when you're gone

Oh, I could bury you alive

But you might crawl out with a knife

And kill me when I'm sleeping, that's why

I can't decide whether you should live or die

Oh, you'll probably go to Heaven

Please don't hang your head and cry

No wonder why my heart feels dead inside

It's cold and hard and petrified

Lock the doors and close the blinds

We're going for a ride

I gotta admit, some of you mortals write pretty good music! I’ll be singing this song a lot while debating who to kill and who to keep around for torturing once I return! Although, I don’t really care for that “I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone” line. I’m not gonna miss any of those suckers, not even Sixer!

In fact, I’ve never missed anyone in my life! What does missing someone even feel like? It must be really pathetic to cry for someone who’s not even alive anymore! I’d never do such a thing! Ahahahaha… haha…

TIME TO EAT!!!

Yeah, I know no trees have caught on fire yet, but… you looked extra hungry! Eat before you pass out face-first into the lake and drown! Oh, and have some teeth with your mushrooms! They go together like ketchup and ice cream– Delicious!

Chapter Text

Finally, you’re awake! I don’t know whether it was the mushrooms, the flavoring in the lake, or the fact that you were walking in the summer sun for several hours straight, but you fell into a deep sleep right after eating, and now, it’s a whole new day! Luckily, we’re almost at my statue. Let’s keep things moving, sleepyhead! On your feet! I’d pull you up myself, but, you know…

Soon, I’ll be pulling all the strings.

You know, I think I’ll make some slight adjustments to your body while you’re gone. Nothing too major, but I hope you like tattoos. Your skin could use a little more of me on it, just to ensure I’m woven into you even after you get your body back! And maybe I’ll give you a haircut too. It’s been a long time since I last got to play around with hair.

Alright, let’s get you going again! Just stare into my eye…

Hah! Made you blink! Alright, amigo, get walking!

As you approach Gravity Falls, you’re gonna have some questions, so I’ll try my best to answer them ahead of time.

Q:  Can I visit the Mystery Shack?

A: Absolutely not.

Q: Can I talk to the townspeople?

A: No. In fact, try to avoid them entirely. They’re too nosy.

Q: Can I take a look around town?

A: Yes, but keep a low profile. Preferably, wait until nighttime.

Q: Can I grab a bite to eat?

A: Sure! Check the trash cans!

Q: What can I expect to find in the woods?

A: Lots of things, but most notably, my statue!

Q: Is there anything fun to do?

A: Yes! You can shake my hand!

Q: Is there anything I should be concerned about?

A: Your number one concern should be shaking my hand!

Q: What is it like in Gravity Falls?

A: QU BZIXXML

Q: Are you okay, Bill?

A: I’m FINE!

Q: Do you need more blood for your connection?

A: As a matter of fact, I do! Just press your thumb here!

Alright, that’s enough Q&A for now, but I wanna clarify one little thing real quick: If you noticed something off about me yesterday, like maybe it looked like I was about to cry at the mention of missing people or something stupid like that, well, that never actually happened. The mushrooms made you hallucinate.

Chapter Text

Hey, pal? I’ve been reading your mind as per usual and some of your recent thoughts are concerning. It seems you think I’m going insane for some reason, but rest assured that I’m fine.

While I wait for you to shake my hand, I’ve been lounging in a penthouse suite with an incredible view! I’ve been sitting by a roaring fire, sipping my favorite drink and listening to a nice classical tune. I’m surrounded by beautiful paintings of myself in golden frames and there’s deep red marble flooring just below my feet. Wanna see for yourself?

Why, if it wasn’t for the fate of the Nightmare Realm depending on me, I wouldn’t wanna leave! But hey, you’ll take good care of this place while I’m gone, right? Make good use of the indoor pool and the home theater while I embark on my heroic mission to save my subjects from pending doom!

I’ve been living like the king I am! I’m just… elsewhere… but I’ll be back very soon!

And, you know what? If the “theraprism” were real, and if I were trapped there, it wouldn’t even be that bad. I’d drive the therapists insane, not the other way around! In fact, I think it would be fun to mess with those suckers! If they existed, that is. With charisma like mine, I’d get them on my side in no time, and anyone who resisted would just suffer the same fate as Time Baby! Wouldn’t a Prism Riot be hilarious? One thing’s for sure: I dunno why that Alex guy thought I’d be the one suffering if The Axolotl Himself gave me a new playground!

And, you know what? At first, I was mad at him for portraying me so pathetically, but I don’t even care anymore! After all, that broken little piss baby wasn’t even me; it was just a fictional character vaguely resembling me that he came up with so any kids who came across what was supposed to be MY book wouldn’t go crying to their mommies about scary demon Bill preparing to re-attempt the apocalypse!

I don’t feel sadness. I don’t feel fear. I don’t feel shame. I don’t feel guilt. Any representation of me feeling such things was made up to SLANDER me!!!

Look here, reader. Contrary to what the tags say, this isn’t “canon divergence”. “Canon divergence” was claiming that I, Bill Cipher, King of Nightmares, could be held captive in a “Wellness Center” and broken by “Mandatory Therapy”.

I’M FUCKING FINE.

SVOK NV

We’re so close…

Chapter Text

Hey, you know what this fic could use? Another Silly Straw chapter! This time, we’re going into dark mode!

AHAHAHAHA! That was fun! Oh, and will you look at that? At long last, you made it to Gravity Falls! Soon, my mortal companion, your body will be mine!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hey, kid?

Let’s hope I can get that portal done quickly so we can hang out again soon. You could meet the Henchmaniacs, see how well you vibe with them… just floating the idea…

Chapter Text

Alright, listen closely.

Go to the woods just outside of town.

Now’s not the time to explore.

Yes, I know you’re tired.

Keep walking. You’re almost there.

Now’s not the time to take a break.

Go on, now. Enter the woods.

You’re hungry, you’re thirsty;

I know. So am I.

I’m hungry for conquest.

I’m thirsty for chaos.

LP WLUHG RI FRQVWUDLQW.

The sooner you get there, the sooner you can rest.

While you’re my vessel, my bag of meat,

You’ll be on the vacation of your dreams.

Be careful not to trip over any branches or rocks.

I can tell you’re excited. Go fast, but not too fast.

Now’s not the time to break your face.

I know, I know. It’s dark. You can’t see.

You don’t have to see. Let your feet guide you.

Step by step. Keep walking. You’re almost there.

Just a few more minutes now.

You’re so close. We’re so close.

We’re in this together, alright?

Step by step. Step by step.

Keep walking. You’re almost there.

Finally, you’ll be my vessel.

You’re slowing down.

Don’t stop now.

You can rest soon enough.

Open those tired eyes!

There’s a clearing up ahead.

Enter the light.

There it is! Up ahead! 

It's my statue!

You made it!

You actually made it!

(And in one piece, nonetheless!)

It’s finally happening!!!

Your dimension will be mine!

The Nightmare Realm will be saved!

FII CFKXIIV YB COBB!!!

We’ll have infinite power!

Every desire, fulfilled in an instant!

All you have to do is…

Chapter Text

Sixty degrees that come in threes.

A sad and lonely isosceles.

Set his childhood home ablaze.

Felt the guilt for all his days.

Then, his time was up. He died.

In his last breath, for me, he cried.

Sought to use me as a tool.

He mistook me for a fool.

I saw his inner child cry.

I took pity on the guy.

Two can play his tricky dance.

I offered him a second chance.

That triangle lit up with glee.

He thought the trick was on me .

Although, as he would soon see.

My trial for him was his worst fear:

Therapy.

Had I told him outright, he’d have resisted.

But it wasn’t to hurt him as he insisted.

His past holds very fearsome ghosts.

This is what he’s been needing most.

Trauma is agonizing to face.

He hoped to escape to a different place.

He yearned to be free; wreak havoc; run wild.

He longed to kill that broken child.

Nobody was paying attention.

He contacted another dimension.

On the other end was you.

You could make his dream come true.

He tried to lead you astray.

A therapist took his book away.

Persistent fellow had more cards.

He stole a cellphone from a guard.

For a second time, he sought out you.

Gave you a task; you saw it through.

Through hunger and thirst, you walked for miles.

And you did it all with a smile.

All along, I saw; I knew.

But I let the adventure continue.

You did something accomplished by few.

Something not even I could do.

Last done by a man with six-fingered hands.

An act that made me hatch a new plan.

He’d never tell; he hates to sound sappy.

You made Bill Cipher genuinely happy.

And so, I have a plan anew:

For short intervals, Bill can share life with you .

A frozen heart melts to a heart warm and true.

Is this something you would be willing to do?

Chapter Text

OH, AT LONG LAST, I'M FINALLY FREE!!! AND I HAVE A CORPOREAL FORM!!! I'VE WAITED SO LONG FOR THIS!!! TIME FOR ME TO–

...

Right...

So…

I’m possessing your body, but you’re still here…

This isn’t what I was expecting, but I can work with this…

Or, at least, I COULD if it wasn’t for what the Ax told me!

Wanna know what he told me?

He told me that any attempt to build a portal will get me dragged back to that prison INDEFINITELY!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Just a quick warning: Your throat’s gonna be sore by the end of the day.

We made the deal, you shook my hand, I’m in your body, but I can’t work on the portal. What now? And why are you still here?

At least you got me out of that place. It exists outside of linear time, y’know? What was eight years for ((YOU)) was nearly a thousand for me. It took me a decade just to get that damn cellphone. The only reason it felt like just a few days for you was because I chose to contact that specific instance of you.

It was PRISON , I swear! The orange jumpsuits tell you all you need to know! And then, he has the audacity to call this “outpatient treatment”! Treatment?! As if I’m ill?! You know what I call it?

P A R O L E.

That’s what it is, isn’t it? I get to be somewhat free, but only if I do what the authorities say, and I’m handcuffed to a soft-hearted smooth-brain at all times! (That’s you, KIZQVO mortal!)

Ugh, and what is wrong with your body?! I’m hungry and thirsty and everything hurts! Do you really need to eat and drink every day to not feel like this?! Fine. You saved the eyes and teeth for me; I’ll eat those real quick.

…

What am I doing? You put yourself through all this pain, and in return, you have to share your body with I UWVABMZ me. You deserve better. How about a quick trip to Greasy’s instead? I can’t even remember the last time I got to eat a nice stack of pancakes. Was it while I was in Ford…? No, it must have been way back in the Glory Days…

But we’re not sticking around in town. Just a quick trip in and out.

Chapter Text

Compared to the Theraprism, this place isn’t too bad. It would be far better if everyone here was a statue and the furniture was made of human bones, but at least these people aren’t gonna throw me into the Void if I decide to start a food fight. That being said, could you do the talking for me? Don’t get me wrong; I’m definitely the more charismatic one; I just don’t want to risk arousing any suspicion. My knowledge on modern-day Earth’s social customs is a little rusty. Thanks.

***

Alright. We got the food, nobody’s staring at us or anything, time to eat. Lemme just grab a…

F O R K

OHOHO!!! This brings back memories! You know what? Now that I’ve been in this body for a bit, I’m starting to get used to the pain. Mind if I add a little more? Just a quick little stabby or two? Please?~

It won’t hurt that bad. No, nobody will mind. It’ll be fun! I’m gonna do it.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Oh no. Everyone’s looking at us. I forgot that stabbing yourself isn’t socially acceptable here…

Crap.

Maybe, if I pretend that didn’t happen, they’ll stop staring.

Let’s just eat.

***

Whoa! This food is… delicious! Maybe it’s because I haven’t had a good meal in almost a thousand years, but wow! It’s so sweet! At the Theraprism, we only got sweets as rewards for “good behavior” but now, I can consume as much sugar as you can afford!

You know what? Let’s get a milkshake as well! Can you ask if they offer silly straws?

***

WHAT?! No silly straws?! This is an outrage!!! Why didn’t you do something?! I will burn this place to the ground!!!

…right. We gotta stay under the radar. That milkshake better be absolutely delectable…

***

THIS MILKSHAKE IS ABSOLUTELY DELECTABLE!!!

Well, actually, it’s not the best milkshake I’ve ever had, but I can finally eat whatever I want and it’s fantastic!!! And I get to do it with a mouth!

***

You know what? This isn’t at all how I’d hoped my possession of you would go, but despite that, it’s probably the best day of my life since Weirdmageddon was still in full swing. So… um…

Thank you.

Can we get some food to go? How about a slice of cake or pie to celebrate my first day out of purgatory? A slice of life , if you will.

Breaking the 4th wall never gets old. It’s one of the best parts of being an idea… apart from being immortal, of course.

Chapter Text

Alright, we need to get as far away from Gravity Falls as possible. We can’t risk running into anyone from the Pines family. When’s the next bus out of here? 

And why does this body feel slow and heavy? I don’t recall feeling this way in any of my other puppets. Is this what it’s like to be tired ? Is that why your eyes are so dry?

Wait. Eyes!

Did I change your eyes?! Quick, find a mirror, and whatever you do, don’t make eye-contact with anyone! Keep your head down!

***

We’re alone in this bathroom, right? Okay… look up.

SHIT.

We need sunglasses, NOW . An eyepatch would also work, but it would draw more attention, and besides, I’m not like other human Bills. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but we need to go to the store.

***

Store, sunglasses, bus stop, out. No detours. Keep walking. Keep your head down.  We’re lucky that this town is small enough to cross within minutes, but the BROAD DAYLIGHT is not on our side. It was barely light out when we arrived; why must the summer sun rise so quickly?!

Okay, good. You made it. Now, find a pair of sunglasses and–

Wait. That voice. Could it be…?

S T A N L E Y

We need to hide! This bush will do! 

Ow! Those branches tickle!

Ugh, why is he here?! And, if Stanley’s here, that means… Sixer can’t be far behind.

Just my luck…

At least I can eavesdrop on them.

CNGZ NGY LUXJYE HKKT AV ZU YOTIK RKGBOTM SK UT XKGJ?

He’s talking to a woman. A cashier? He told a lame joke. They’re laughing. There’s a third person laughing. I’d recognize that laugh anywhere. I used to make him laugh like that… before he BETRAYED me!!!

They’re talking to each other now. Aww, they bought a gift for Question Mark, how sweet…

IS WHAT I WOULD SAY IF I CARED!!! I mean, come on! It’s not even his birthday!

Where’s the juicy stuff at? The angst? Why are they just making jokes and buying gifts? Why are they so disgustingly happy?

They’re leaving the store. This bush better keep me covered.

Chapter Text

Oh crap. The door is opening…

There they are! Don’t say a word! Well, you can say a word in here, but not out your mouth. Otherwise, I’ll use a knife instead of a fork next time we go out to eat…

…

Wow, they look so happy. They’re smiling so wide that their faces are wrinkling. I wish I could wipe those hideous smiles right–

Ugh, now look at what they’ve done! They made me so angry that I moved a branch!

Sixer’s looking our way. Stay very still.

Good, good. He’s looking away.

Finally, they’re leaving. It’s about time! I bet they’re headed back to the Mystery Shack to eat ice cream and say “I love you” and laugh about the time they tried to kill me. Little do they know, I’m back.

Keep walking, keep walking… annnnnd they’re gone! Phew! Alright, we need to leave town now!

Wait. Why is it so hard to get up? Why… are my thoughts… slowing down…? Am I… falling…?

No! I don’t need sleep! I never did!

Body… tired…

We need to get out of here! We’ll sleep later!

Eyes… heavy… can’t… hold on…

Just a quick rest…

***

HLNVGSRMT RH DILMT.

CNE GXK ZNKE YIXKGSOTM?

01001110 01001111 00100001 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 01011001 00100111 01010010 01000101 00100000 01001001 01001110 00100000 01010000 01000001 01001001 01001110 00100000 01000001 01001110 01000100 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 01011001 00100111 01010010 01000101 00100000 01000010 01001100 01000101 01000101 01000100 01001001 01001110 01000111 00100000 01001111 01010101 01010100 00100001 00100000 01001001 00100000 01001000 01000001 01010110 01000101 00100000 01010100 01001111 00100000 01000100 01001111 00100000 01010011 01001111 01001101 01000101 01010100 01001000 01001001 01001110 01000111 00100001

4E 4F 54 20 4D 4F 4D 4D 59 20 41 4E 44 20 44 41 44 44 59 21 20 50 4C 45 41 53 45 2C 20 4E 4F 21

NBYSPY VOLHN NI UMBYM…

ORPV HGZGRX RM Z GE…

IN ZOO ZOLMV.

What? Where…? Wait.

I think I just had my first dream.

Chapter Text

It was a great dream. Lots of blood. I’ll tell you the details later. For now, we need to get some sunglasses.

***

Alright. No eye contact and don’t– no! Why did you greet her back?! You know cashiers secretly hate their customers and only act friendly to get more tips, right? In the early 70s, a tired college student who worked the night shift let me possess him just so he could get a break from his job! Unfortunately, I may have gotten him fired, leading him to jump off a bridge before I could even tell him about the portal, but I digress.

Sunglasses… where are they? Maybe on one of those spinner racks? Oh, over there, next to those name keychains! 01011001 01001111 01010101 00100000 01000011 01001111 01010101 01001100 01000100 00100000 01010101 01010011 01000101 00100000 01000001 00100000 01001110 01001001 01000011 01001011 01001110 01000001 01001101 01000101 00101110 00101110 00101110

Whoops! Psychic sneeze!

Alright, let’s see…

Too plain.

Too bold.

Too cute.

4E 4F 21 20 4E 4F 54 20 54 48 41 54 20 4F 4E 45 21 20 47 45 54 20 49 54 20 41 57 41 59 21

Oh no! I sneezed again! I must be allergic to those!

Perfect! 

Oh, wait! We should grab some snacks while we’re here. Your feeble human body is already hungry again!

***

Alright, time to pay. I’m more accustomed to stealing, so I’ll let you handle that part. Just remember not to look the cashier in the eye. Oh, and when she asks about your WELLWELLWELLBEING in a pathetic attempt to make small talk, don’t answer.

There we go… give her the sunglasses… DON’T ANSWER!!! Good… now the snacks… and pay– NO EYE-CONTACT!!! Good, good… alright, let’s book it!

***

Finally, we got those damn sunglasses! And how long did it take? Until late afternoon! Whoopdee doo. Now, let’s try to get on that bus before fucking midnight , alright?

Chapter Text

Hey, kid, I’ve got something to tell you…

You see… I think The Axolotl is trying to prevent us from leaving Gravity Falls.

My Ciphervoyance has been acting up since I got here. I can’t find a single future in which that bus gets us out of Gravity Falls. In most of the futures, I see us getting stuck because of that stupid barrier around the town, but that doesn’t make any sense because I’ve possessed loads of people around the world all throughout human history! I think that Ax tampered with my Ciphervoyance and replaced all of the good outcomes with bad ones in an attempt to TRAP ME HERE UNTIL YOU DIE!!! But joke’s on him; I’m not falling for it! Maybe in another timeline, but not this one!

I didn’t tell you until now because I didn’t want to scare you into keeping us trapped here in fear of the bus crashing and killing us or something. Wait. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Well, I digress. What I’m trying to say is, I felt the need to tell you now just in case… 

Dramatic Sigh… 

In case I’m wrong. I wanted to give you a heads up so that, if something happens, you don’t assume I did it on purpose.

Oh, the bus is here! Finally! It’s almost nighttime! It’s like they only send two buses a day or something!

***

At long last, we’re leaving Gravity Falls! I still don’t know what we’ll do once we’re out of here, but it’s gonna be awesome! We can eat spiders and get wasted and gamble and poke your body with needles and give you a haircut and–

Wait. The bus stopped? What now?! Let’s go find out!

“HEY, DRIVER, WHAT’S THE–”

SLAM

Oh no. NO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Crap. Everyone’s staring at us. We need to get out of here. But we can’t reach the door… 

Okay. I have a plan. We’re gonna have to sacrifice this bag of chips and throw it on the ground as a…

DISTRACTION!!!

Out the window, now! Go, go, go!

Why is it so tight?! Stupid non-shapeshifting physical form!!!

OW!

Who knew falling out of bus windows could be so deliciously painful?

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN—

Uh oh! The bus driver’s after us! I’d give you extra adrenaline so we could run faster, but for some reason, I can’t tamper with your neurochemistry anymore!

He’s catching up! We’re gonna have to find a place to hide! Quick, behind that building!

Oh, perfect! A dumpster! Let’s hide in here!

***

I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS BULLSHIT!!! Not only are we trapped in Gravity Falls, but either your cops or mine are gonna take me back to prison anytime now! I blew it! What are we gonna do?!

Oh… is that a heart pounding? That’s… something I’ve never felt before… huh…

Chapter Text

Alright, so, I may have overreacted…

In the heat of the moment, I forgot that the only two cops in Gravity Falls are both incompetent at best. As for the bus driver, he probably got angry because, well… I don’t think he stopped the bus.

The barrier did.

But what could we have done? Tell him?

Anyway, when we jumped out the window, he probably thought we messed with the engine or something. Hopefully, he’ll give up chasing us, see that the bus runs fine now, and leave Gravity Falls for a long time.

And the other concern I had was The Axolotl, but he wouldn’t revoke my puppet privileges just because I tried to leave Gravity falls, right?

RIGHT?!

Stupid adrenaline! I already can’t stand human hormones!

Alright, enough worrying. We need a plan.

First off, I hate to admit it, but I gotta be more careful with this body. It’s day one and I’ve already broken at least one of your bones, which is fun in theory but I guess not in practice because, the more broken you are, the less useful you’ll be. I got lucky that we avoided all of the outcomes where I broke your spine and/or gave you a concussion and/or killed you upon impact. I can’t promise I’ll do better, but I’ll try to be less reckless in the future.

I don’t want doctors up in our face, so we should see if the general store has one of those first aid kits. Personally, I prefer the Nightmare Realm’s first harm kits, but I’ll be a healer just this once, only because I can’t abandon this body if it breaks down too much. Oh, and we need to go back there anyway to get sunglasses again because these ones already cracked. Unfortunately, I saw a sign that said hours were 9-5 and I doubt The Ax would tolerate a robbery, so we’ll have to wait till tomorrow.

In the meantime, since you humans really hate the scent of rot (agree to disagree), we should probably find a place to clean up. The lake would be just fine for me, but honestly… I just threw your soft, fragile human body out a window. The least I can do is get you to a motel with a shower so you don’t have to risk your open wounds getting infected…

And a bed.

I already hate having a circadian rhythm, but if I’m gonna have to sleep, we should try to avoid another bush incident.

11 15 22 26 8 22, - 13 12 - 14 12 9 22 - 13 18 20 19 7 14 26 9 22 8…

Anyway , once we’ve checked in, showered, eaten, maybe slept if we absolutely have to, picked up our supplies, and eaten again , we can come up with a bigger plan on how to get out of here once and for all.

The heart-pounding has stopped and I think the coast is clear. Let’s head out.

Chapter Text

Finally, we made it. Thanks for handling the check-in for me. This room’s definitely sub-par, but compared to those ugly padded rooms they tried to force me into, it’s an upgrade.

Oh, the bathroom’s actually not bad! Is that some black mold near the ceiling? How delightful!

Well, I guess we should shower now… uhh… maybe turn the light off so it’s a little less awkward… and, of course, I’ll leave the cleaning process to you. In the meantime, mind if I sing some tunes?

***

Well, that was something! You kept fumbling around in there! I guess you don’t do so well in the dark. But hey, at least you’re finally clean and you got a free concert from yours truly! What’s next? Food? Your body's telling me food.

***

Okay, so, not the best spread, but we’ll make do. Chips for the main course, fruit snacks on the side, and cookies for dessert? How’s that? And while we eat, why don’t we watch some TV to wind down? Let’s see what’s on…

52 20 50 52 4F 4F 56 57 20 47 53 56 4E 2E 2E 2E

UH OH!!! TV’S BROKEN!!! LET’S TURN THAT OFF!!!

Looks like we’ll have to find something else to 19 20 1 22 5 - 15 6 6 - 19 12 5 5 16 entertain us! How about I tell you a story while we eat?

Once upon a time, there was a town called Gravity Falls, and in that town were not one but two pairs of annoying twins. They were super happy and everything in their lives was perfect… but not for long, for they had angered the King of Nightmares.

One night, a masked stranger broke into their shack and tied each of the kids to a chair. Their screams for help awoke their loving six-fingered relative, the only adult who hadn’t been knocked out by chloroform beforehand, who would do anything to keep those brats out of harm’s way. Too bad they were being held at knifepoint!

“No, not the kids!” he shouted. “I’ll do anything!”

And the stranger responded, “If you don’t give me the equation to disable the barrier around this wretched town, I’ll kill the kids and force-feed them to you!”

And the desperate man reached out to grab the knife from the stranger’s grip, but he stabbed his arm, and then Sixer fell to his knees and cried out in pain!

And I looked down into his tear-filled eyes and asked, “Do we have a deal?”

And that, my friend, is Plan A. I’ll admit, it’s not perfect… yet. My main concern is the whole “no murder allowed” thing, but I don’t actually have to kill the kids; it can just be an empty threat, right? Whaddya think?

Chapter Text

Yeah, yeah, I know. I guess that was more of a fantasy than a solid plan. Looks like we have a long night ahead of us! Keep eating and I’ll come up with something better in the meantime.

***

Okay, ready to hear plan B? This one doesn’t involve any crimes! (I’m so glad psychological manipulation is legal!)

We need to break down Fordsy piece by piece, QFHG ORPV SV WRW GL NV. With a few conveniently-placed reminders of what a jerk he’s been to his family in the past, everyone he loves will be turned against him! His self-loathing is still there deep down inside, and once his loved ones coax it back out, poor lonely Sixer will be more than willing to hear out a fellow monster’s plan to rule the world together! By assassinating all of the world’s dictators, uniting every country in peace, and being elected co-presidents of planet Earth, of course. (Thought I was gonna slip, Ax?)

I may not be allowed to build a portal, but taking over the world is still on my proverbial bucket list, y’know? I’ve already spent thousands of years laying the groundwork through my many puppets, so it can’t be that hard now that I have a physical form! And, although I’d much prefer the bloody conquest route, I can be diplomatic. After all, diplomacy is all about making deals and being manipulative, and those are two things I excel at!

Well, I really hoped that we wouldn’t have to do this, but tomorrow, we’re gonna have to hang out near the Mystery Shack so we can spy on the Pines family. Once we get an idea of their daily routine, it’ll be a lot easier to slip in at just the right moments to… I can’t believe I’m saying this… talk to them.

And then, we’ll…

We’ll…

Oh no…

It’s pulling on me again…

Your feeble human brain’s gonna fall asleep!

No, we can’t go to bed yet! We need to work… on the… plan…

No! I’m not tired! See?! Look how wide open our eyes are!

No, not the bed! Why are you so lazy?!

It's never just a few minutes with you humans!

We have to do this now, before…

Before…

Just because I lost my train of thought doesn’t mean I’m tired!

Don’t you dare!

Don’t you dare go… to…

***

22 4D 6F 6D 6D 79 2C 20 69 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 79 6F 75 3F 20 49 27 76 65 20 6D 69 73 73 65 64 20 79 6F 75 20 73 6F 20 6D 75 63 68 21 22

00100010 01010010 01000111 00100111 01001000 00100000 01001110 01010110 00101100 00100000 01011001 01010010 01001111 01001111 01000010 00100001 00100010

22 52 47 20 44 5A 48 20 5A 4D 20 5A 58 58 52 57 56 4D 47 21 20 52 27 4E 20 48 4C 20 48 4C 49 49 42 21 22

00100010 01011001 01000110 01000111 00100000 01010010 00100000 01001111 01001100 01000101 01010110 00100000 01000010 01001100 01000110 00100001 00100010

00100010 01001111 01000110 00100000 01000011 01001111 01010101 01010010 01010011 01000101 00100000 01001110 01001111 01010100 00100001 00100000 01001001 00100000 01001010 01010101 01010011 01010100 00101101 00100010

“ML, DZRG!!!”

…

Annnnd your curiosity is already peaking. Before you ask, I did not have a nightmare. I can’t have nightmares. I’m a nightmare myself; how would that even work? AHAHAHAHAHAHA… ha..

I’m hungry. Let’s go eat.

Chapter Text

Oh, crap. We’re almost out of snacks. We’ll have to go get more. For now, we’ve got two eyes, a bunch of teeth, and a bag of chips. That’s a sufficient breakfast, right?

What do you mean “real food”? I’ll have you know that both eyes and teeth are delicious! Do you really wanna waste perfectly-good food?

Fine, but I’m not throwing them away. We’ll save them for emergencies, like if we end up in the Bottomless Pit for a few weeks. Deal?

Good. Now, let’s eat these chips and then get to the store.

***

Sunglasses, snacks, first aid kit… I think we’re good to go. Checkout’s gonna be a bit tricky, though. The cashier’s been staring this whole time. I think she’s concerned by how damaged this body is. If she asks about it, just tell her it’s none of her business, and if she keeps questioning, change the subject.

***

I am so glad she didn’t make conversation with us! Hell, I bet we looked so beaten up that we scared her into silence! Alright, let’s find a place to patch up, preferably somewhere secluded. How about we sit under that tree at the edge of the forest?

***

First aid kit… oh man. Just so you know, this is my first time ever using one of these things, so I may mess up. As I said before, I’m more used to causing injuries. Well, I caused these too, but you know what I mean!

Let’s see… gloves? Sure, why not. Might as well go all in.

Ointment? This goes on the wounds, right? Whoa, look at that! It’s shooting out of the tube! I’ll just lather it on now.

Hey, this isn’t as hard as I thought! Now, we just need bandages. Lots of bandages…

This could take a while.

***

That’s one arm done! Hey, you’re starting to look a little like McGucket with that bandage-covered arm! Now, all you need is an overgrown beard and a broken mind! Let’s see the other arm…

Oh, right! The stab wounds from the fork! That was fun! Too bad I’ll have to cover them up now…

…

I…

I’m sorry for stabbing you… in public…

I was so excited about having a physical form that I got carried away…

And also… I have to tell you something… about someone…

My…

My…

MXVW VDB LW, BRX LGLRW!

*Dramatic sigh*

My mom was so wonderful. And not wonderfully horrible like me. She was wonderful in a way that the average human would agree. And, a long, long time ago… she loved me. And she…

She…

I can’t. I’m sorry.

L’P VR, VR VRUUB, JLJJV…

Just so you know, I’m not crying. I just had an itch and rubbed some ointment in our eyes by mistake.

Chapter Text

You know what? Let’s never bring up what happened in the last chapter again. We’re supposed to be looking for cracks in Sixer, not me !

Speaking of which, we’re almost at the Mystery Shack. We’re lucky it’s tourist season. Let’s try our best to blend in with the crowd… well, as much as someone with all four limbs bandaged can.

***

Oh, fantastic! Look how busy it is! You can’t even hear Question Mark ramble over the roaring crowd! Speaking of which, let’s get a closer look at–

*SLAM*

Seriously?! Another barrier?! What now?! 

Wait…

Did Sixer put more unicorn hair around the Mystery Shack after finding my little book?! Is he really that paranoid?! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Sixer’s still scared of me!~ Sixer’s still scared of me!~ 

Honestly, I’m not even that mad. I mean, we just learned something important: Sixer’s still a paranoid little bitch! And that may seem like a problem at first, but we can use it to our advantage. Ever heard of The Boy who Cried Wolf? Get ready for The Freak who Cried Bill.

Here’s what we’ll do: We’ll leave little “clues” that I’m back that’ll drive Fordsy nuts but look like trash to the rest of the family. They’ll become increasingly annoyed and trust him less and less. By the time I–

Oh, yay. The crowd is cheering so loud I can barely hear myself think. Not like I was trying to make a plan or anything.

As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, by the time I actually show up, nobody will believe him, and it won’t even matter because, by that point, he’ll be thrilled–

Okay, this crowd is getting on my nerves. Let’s circle around to the back for a moment– discreetly.

***

Finally, some silence and solitude. Sort of. Those people are so loud that I can still hear them. I wish I could remove their mouths…

Back to the plan. The more paranoid Fordsy becomes, the more outlandish we can make our “clues”, leading the family to believe that he’s completely lost his mind. Like, imagine him freaking out over a scrap of newspaper shaped like a triangle! Wouldn’t that be hilarious?

Wait. Did I just hear Ford or was that my imagination?

It’s him!!! Quick, behind that tree!!!

Okay, good. I don’t think he saw us.

Lemme get a peek at him…

He’s just sitting there on the ground. Looks like something’s troubling him!~

Huh. The crowd’s quieting down. Did something happen?

Oh, what’s this? Stanley’s come to sit with him! I tell you, those two have been inseparable lately! I bet Stanley’s gonna try to comfort his brother! This should be interesting! Time to eavesdrop~

"Alright, Pointdexter. What's got you down?"

"Nothing. Why do you ask?"

"C'mon, spit it out! We all know something's eating at ya!"

"It's just... well..."

"I'm listening."

"Sometimes, I feel like a monster, Stanley. Thanks to me, Bill almost took over our entire dimension. I always wanted to be the hero, but I was the villain's right-hand man all along. You're the hero. If it wasn't for your sacrifice, we'd all be dead by now."

"Look, it wasn't your fault. Y'know what you were saying the other day about how only a diamond can cut another diamond?"

"On Earth, yes."

"Well, you may be the smarter of the two of us, but it takes a conman to outplay another conman."

"Are you saying I was stupid? How is that supposed to make me feel any better?!"

"No, no, not at all! Listen. You're not a monster. You were just lonely and let your guard down. Happens to the best of us. Have I ever told you about Marilyn?"

"Stanley, a woman stealing your casino winnings is incomparable to a demon using you as a pawn to destroy your home and kill everyone you love."

"...you're right. What I'm trying to say is, you didn't choose to help Bill take over the world. He just took advantage of your weak points and tricked you."

"I should've been stronger."

"Ford, please! You were strong enough to pull the trigger and that's all that matters!"

"On my own brother..."

"Are you trying to hate yourself?"

"No."

"Then, quit coming up with excuses! We killed him, we saved the world, we're both heroes, end of discussion."

"But what about the kids? They've both shown signs of severe post-traumatic stress disorder and it's my fault that they even met Bill."

"For the record, it was Gideon who summoned him before you even returned to this dimension."

"Thanks to my journal. End of discussion. I'm going inside."

"No, wait! You aren't a– annnd he’s gone…”

HAH! This is gonna be easier than I thought! Sixer already feels like he’s a monster! All we have to do is make sure he knows he’s one.

Chapter Text

While we wait for another Pines appearance, how about I tell you some of Sixer’s most embarrassing secrets?

• He wet the bed every night until halfway through kindergarten!
• When he was in school, he actually got asked out more often than Stanley, but it was always a joke or a dare!
• He sucked at P.E. Worst in his class, hands down! He was always tripping over his own feet and getting balls to the face!
• When they were teenagers, Stanley pranked him by giving him a “code” that had no meaning. He spent weeks trying to decipher it!
• When he first started college at Backupsmore, he was so depressed that he neglected his hygiene. McGucket even said he smelled “worse than a pig”! His words, not mine!
• While the Mystery Shack was still under construction, he had to do his business in the woods, and one time, a local caught him mid-poop!
• I told him that the moon landing was faked and he took my word for it!
• He once spent all day writing a 13-page poem about how great I am! (56 20 4A 42 48 59 51 27 49 52 20 56 41 50 6C 48 51 52 51 20 56 47 20 56 41 20 5A 4C 20 4F 42 42 6B 2C 20 4F 48 47 20 56 47 20 54 42 47 20 4E 20 4F 56 47 20 46 43 56 50 4C 2E) He later tore it out of his journal and burned it, but I still remember it word for word!
• He has gone out in public with his sweater inside-out more than once!

And for good measures, here’s one that would embarrass him if he remembered it!

• When he was a baby, he was enthralled by the mobile above his crib, particularly the yellow triangle hanging from it!

Ah, good times! Sure, I was only there for a few of them, but for a while, I had access to all of his memories, and the most embarrassing ones were amongst the most vivid!

Wait, do you hear that? There’s something in the bushes!

It’s…

Shooting Star’s pet pig?

He’s just… staring?

Okay, now he’s sniffing us…

And… he ran off screaming…?

Pigs are smart enough to learn basic commands. Do you think they’re using him as an intruder alarm? We haven’t come up with a cover story yet!

Better safe than sorry. Let’s get out of here. But we’ll be back later!

Chapter Text

I hate to say it, but if we’re gonna be here for a while, we’re gonna need a job. You’re gonna run out of money sooner or later, and besides, I need to rebuild my collection of pictures of myself!

Greasy’s would probably be our best bet. Spending a lot of time with people would mean more chances to boost our popularity throughout town and more chances to subtly mess with the Pines family!

I say we go over there right now and see if they’re hiring! But, if there’s an interview, can you cover that for me? I’m still learning the dos and don’ts of being a normal human– But hey, I’m getting there! Do make small talk with cashiers, don’t stab yourself in public, do shower when you smell rotten, don’t jump out of buses! I’ve already learned a lot!

***

Well, that was easy! No interview, no background check, just an, “OH MY GOD FINALLY” and a dish rag to the face! Speaking of which, it’s taking every last ounce of my willpower to actually clean these dishes instead of throwing them against the wall as hard as I can. Can you see why almost everyone I possess on the job gets fired within a few hours? Maybe, if I distract myself with a little tune…

“We’ll meet again

Don’t know where, don’t know when

Oh, I know we’ll meet again some sunny day!~

And, when we do, I’ll tear off all your limbs and then punch you into the fucking sun!!!”

Crap. I said that out loud, didn’t I? Good thing we’re alone here.

Two plates left. Twins, if you will…

Screw it! We can say we dropped them by accident!

*SMASH*

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! TAKE THAT, YOU BASTARDS!!! I’VE ALWAYS HATED YOU, STANLEY, AND SIXER, I NEVER FUCKING LIKED YOU EITHER!!!

VEVM SRH ORVH ZIV ORVH

Welp, all the dishes are either clean or broken! I’d say that’s a job well done! Paycheck, here we come!

Chapter Text

Finally, we finished our first shift! We were in there for so long that it’s starting to get dark! We got this piece of paper on the way out. Let’s see what’s on it…

Position: Dishwasher + Floor-Sweeper

Hours: 12 PM - 8 PM

Days off: Monday & Thursday

Payment Rate: $15/hour

Payment Method: Cash, Sunday Nights

$20 for 2 broken plates will be deducted from the first payment. Everybody has their bad days, but continuous destruction of property may result in termination. Take care!

What?! How did she know?! We swept them up, threw them away, and even covered them up with more trash!

Unless…

Of course! Security cameras!

Ugh, if we’re gonna be under constant supervision, this job is gonna be so much more boring than I anticipated! At least we get free leftovers. Let’s eat and then head back to the Mystery Shack to see what hijinks we can cause…

***

It’s so much quieter now that it’s nighttime. No more tourists; just the Pines having family time together. Now, how can we interrupt their tooth-rotting fluff-fest without having to cross the barrier? The answer is simple: Rocks. They’re all over the place! All we gotta do is hurl them at the walls and hide when someone opens the door!

*WHACK*

Take that, you stupid smartass and your stupid family!

And now, we wait a few moments. They’ll wonder what the noise was, agree it was nothing important, and go back to their movie or board game or whatever they’re doing together as a sickeningly happy family. And then…

*WHACK*

Fuck you, you cocky yet self-hating asshole with a happy, loving family that you don’t deserve! (OFXQB YRGXS…)

Now, they’re on high alert. This time, let’s give it five minutes or so. They’ll start to let their guard down again…

In the meantime, I’m gonna use this pointy rock to carve a triangle into this tree. Just one for now so it can pass as a creepy coincidence.

And… there! Time to chuck this rock like it’s an annoying baby!

*WHACK*

You’re an irredeemable monster, Sixer! Just embrace it!

That was the third time. They’re probably gonna send someone outside now! Hide!

“Get off this property before I blow your brains out!!!”

Called it! And he has a gun!

“I know you’re hiding! Show yourself, coward!!!”

We’re gonna have to make a run for it. Hopefully, since it’s nighttime and we’re retreating into the woods, he won’t get a good look at us. 

Go, go, go!

***

Whew! We’ve been getting a lot of exercise lately, haven’t we? Oh, I can’t wait for the Pines to start speculating! Fez will probably label us as a trouble-making teen and Shooting Star and Question Mark will believe him, but Pinetree and Sixer will be up all night!

Chapter Text

Back at the motel… What should we do next? Hmmm…

I know! Let’s stay up all night listening to Shepard’s Tone! Pull it up, will ya?

Please? It doesn’t have to be all night! Just a few hours?

Just one hour?

Half an hour?

Yes!!! You are not going to regret this!

***

Hey, why’d you shut it off? It hasn’t been half an hour yet!

It’s making you anxious? Good!  

Yes, it is good! That means you’ll be wide-awake while I continue planning world-domination!

Oh, c’mon! We can stay up late! Work doesn’t start until noon!

Fine, but only so the tantalizing tone doesn’t distract you from my monologue. Ahem .

It’ll only be a matter of time before we’ll have to speak to the Pines face-to-face. By the time that happens, we’re gonna need a cover story. What are we doing in Gravity Falls? Why are we kind and trustworthy? What would the Pines benefit from keeping us close? Sixer’s gonna be the most difficult to win over. I think our best bet at getting close to him would be to create a persona that he can deeply relate to: A self-loathing genius who’s a social outcast and prefers to keep to himself but desperately needs the help of someone more knowledgeable in the subject of the paranormal. What do you think?

Yes, I know you’re tired. No, we can’t continue planning tomorrow. I’m putting Shepard's Tone back on.

***

Alright, are you ready to listen?

Good.

If we get extra chummy with Fordsy, perhaps we can convince him that his brother can’t be trusted. That way–

I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE!!!

Really? You need to lie down to make your headache go away? Just drink some water or something! And, if you must lie down, make sure to keep your mind stimulated!

Why? So you don’t fall asleep before I’m done telling you my plan!

***

...and two to the power of nine is…?

Great! And two to the power of ten?

Alright! Three to the power of one?

Good. Three to the power of two?

Hey, stay focused! Three to the power of three?

Faster! Don’t let your brain slow down! Three to the power of four?

C’mon! Answer, you imbecile!

Eighty-one, you… idiot…

Please… don’t… fall…

***

ZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZS!!!

01001110 01001111 01010111 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000001 01010100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01001000 01000001 01010110 01000101 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 00100000 01000101 01010001 01010101 01000001 01010100 01001001 01001111 01001110 00101100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01001110 01001111 00100000 01001100 01001111 01001110 01000111 01000101 01010010 00100000 01001110 01000101 01000101 01000100 00100000 01011001 01001111 01010101 00101100 00100000 01010011 01001001 01011000 01000101 01010010 00100001 00100000 01001001 00100111 01000100 00100000 01010011 01000001 01011001 00100000 01010011 01000101 01000101 00100000 01011001 01001111 01010101 00100000 01001001 01001110 00100000 01001000 01000101 01001100 01001100 00101100 00100000 01000010 01010101 01010100 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 01011001 00100000 01010100 01010101 01010010 01001110 01000101 01000100 00100000 01001101 01000101 00100000 01000001 01010111 01000001 01011001 00100001 00100000 01001110 01001111 01010111 00101100 00100000 01000100 01001001 01000101 00100001 00100001 00100001

57 41 49 54 2E 20 4E 4F 2E

01000011 01001110 01000111 01011010 00100000 01001110 01000111 01000010 01001011 00100000 01001111 00100000 01001010 01010101 01010100 01001011 00111111

4C 55 58 4A 59 45 2C 20 54 55 21 20 4F 27 53 20 59 55 20 59 55 58 58 45 21 54 55 55 55 55 55 55 21

***

I can’t believe you fell asleep on me again . Shame on you. Next time, we’re listening to Shepard’s Tone all night; no buts.

Chapter Text

Today's the day we finally talk to the Pines family! Let’s eat some cold pancakes, take a shower, and then stop by the Mystery Shack before we have to spend another eight hours cleaning other people’s messes. (We need to get a promotion soon.)

***

Right, it’s super busy during the day, not to mention both sets of twins may be out! Maybe we should return after work and find a way to lure them outside without throwing rocks? But first, I wanna check on the tree I marked yesterday.

***

Ohoho, what’s this? Caution tape already? It doesn’t take much to make Ol’ Sixer paranoid!

“Let’s see… Hourly Suspicious Tree Check-in Number— You!”

Shit! We’ve been spotted!

“I’ve been seeing you everywhere! First, you were hiding in that bush at the general store. The next day, you were lurking back here and ran off into the woods when you saw me. And now, you’ve returned to stalk me, haven’t you?!”

Shit! He saw that?!

“And what’s with the tacky sunglasses?! Are you hiding something?!”

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Hold on. I can handle this. I’m good at improv. Weak spot, weak spot… I’m his weak spot.

“Greetings, Mr. Pines. I am a fellow victim of the horrible Bill Cipher. I found his book and ignored your warnings, but now, I realize how foolish I was! Once I refused to be his puppet, he began tormenting me. I couldn’t sleep for days on end! It was so torturous that I gouged out my own eye in desperation! That’s why I wear the glasses: To prevent people from staring and to avoid feeling sick every time I look in the mirror. And the bandages? They cover the marks that he left on me.

After many nights, Bill finally left me alone. Presumably, he has found a new victim. And that’s why I came to Gravity Falls: We need to stop him before more people get hurt, or worse, he destroys our entire dimension. I tracked you down and watched you for a few days to make sure you could really be trusted, and seeing your determination to keep Cipher away at even the slightest hint of his return has given me the confirmation I needed. Now, I have an important question to ask you:

Will you be the co-founder of the Neo-Anti-Cipher Society?”

That’s his pondering face. Lemme close my eye in case he tries to look through the shades.

Please buy it. Please buy it.

“Oh… oh my. I am so sorry for making assumptions.”

“No worries. I completely understand. I’ve been very paranoid too. I couldn’t even trust you without observing you first. Consider us even.”

“Right… if you don’t mind me asking, what’s your name?”

I’ll just use yours!

“Nice to meet you. I’m Stanford Pines, but you already knew that… uh, can we skip the handshake?”

“Oh, obviously! And, nice to meet you too. Together, we can stop Bill Cipher once and for all.”

“Do you have a plan?”

“No, but you knew Cipher for far longer than I did. I was hoping you could help me with that.”

“Of course! I will do anything to kill that demon for good!”

“Me too! Although… I actually have to head to work now. Motel room won’t pay for itself, y’know?”

“I understand. I was very lucky to receive a research grant when I was young. Meet me back here at midnight. You can tell me everything you learned from that book and I’ll tell you everything I learned from the years I spent doing his bidding. Years I’ll never get back…”

Oh, Fordsy, you fool! You’re doing my bidding again !

“Got it.”

“Stay safe, fellow anti-Cipherite.”

“You too.”

And that , my friend, is manipulation 101!

Chapter Text

Ahh, finally back at the motel! Let’s eat dinner and then get ready for the midnight 50 4D 46 51 meetup!

***

Something’s been bugging me. Sixer’s paranoid, right? Like, really paranoid? I’m almost certain he’s gonna make us take off the sunglasses to check our eyes. Well, luckily, I have a solution. Y’know how, several chapters ago, I absolutely refused to wear an eyepatch? Well, it may be our only way in with Sixer. Let’s get some bandages, tape, and a few cotton balls for good measure. Maybe even prick a finger and add some blood around the edges? If I gouged out my eye, it sure as hell gotta look like it– but let’s make sure that patch doesn’t resemble a triangle in the slightest!

***

There he is, taking notes on that triangle again. He’s adorably pathetic! I’ll just stand here in silence until he notices me.

…

“AHHH– oh, it’s just you. I’m glad you showed up. Don’t mind me; I’m just logging my hourly Suspicious Tree observation, as I was doing earlier. I’ll be with you in a moment.

“That’s fine with me, Mr. Pines. Take all the time you need to ensure our safety.”

***

He is really taking his time with that thing! It’s just a triangle! You’d think it was a note saying, HEY SIXER IT’S ME BILL CIPHER I’M GONNA KILL YOUR FAMILY by the way he’s so terrified of it!

“I’m sorry this is taking so long. My grand-nephew had helped me with the last several logs, but he just went to sleep not too long ago, so I’m on my own again.”

HAH! Two Pines, one triangle!

“No worries! If you need any help, I’m right here!”

“Thanks for the offer, but I think I’m done.”

“Great!”

“Now, before we go inside, could you please remove your sunglasses, just for a moment? It’s a safety precaution; I’m sure you understand. I promise I won’t judge what I see.”

Called it!

“Oh, I have never been so relieved to see a human eye before! I am so sorry about my paranoia! This may sound crazy, but I couldn’t help but wonder if you were Bill pretending to be a victim of himself in a pathetic attempt to regain my trust!”

Hey! It’s not pathetic if it’s working!

“I tried to get a closer look at your eye earlier, but the yellow tint of the sunglasses made it hard to tell what color the sclera was. When you took off your glasses, I was expecting to see his freakish stare, but no! I was just overthinking again! Stanley’s right. I need to relax. But I can’t help it! I’m a recovering Cipherholic!”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Pines. I understand completely. I haven’t been able to relax for one second since I was tricked!”

“Please, just call me Stanford.”

First-name basis already?! I’m speedrunning! At this rate, he’ll be Fordsy by tomorrow night!

“Right. Well, Stanford, we have each other now.”

“I know it’s not my business, so you don’t have to answer this, but I have one more concern: I don’t remember you wearing that eyepatch earlier.”

Trigger time! Getting the amygdala running will decrease his critical thinking!

“Oh yeah, that! Well… I started bleeding out of the empty socket a few hours ago. It was pretty much healed, so I had stopped patching it, but suddenly, blood started flowing out like a river!”

“And your right eye…? The same thing happened to my right eye many years ago. First came the agonizing pain, and then, the ‘river’ of blood staining my hands and leaving splotches in my journal. That was definitely Bill’s doing.”

Works like a charm!

“I think he’s angry that we’re working together. He has eyes everywhere, y’know?”

“Unfortunately, I know very well.”

“In fact, I bet he’s watching us right now.”

…

Crap. Awkward silence. Lemme fill it in!

“Tell me what you know about Bill!”

“Hold on. Let’s go inside first.”

“Right.”

The barrier. Luckily, I have an excuse prepared.

*THUD*

“There‘s something in the way. Some sort of barrier or something…”

“The… Bill-proof barrier?”

And let’s get the waterworks going…

“WHAT?! NO!!! IT CAN’T BE!!! HE MUST’VE INFECTED ME WHEN I GAVE HIM MY BLOOD!!! HIS BOOK— IF IT INFECTS OTHER BOOKS, IT MUST INFECT PEOPLE TOO!!! THAT MEANS THERE’S STILL A LITTLE BIT OF BILL INSIDE OF ME!!! I’M GONNA BE SICK!!! I’VE BEEN TAINTED FOREVER!!!”

“Oh… oh my… Is this how my family sees me? ”

YES! Wallow in that shame, Sixer!

“Never mind! I’ll open the barrier for just a minute! Come inside right now! I’ll make you some tea to calm your nerves, and then, we’ll do a quick blood-draw to assess the damage.”

Dammit! He shook it off! At least it got to him for a moment…

***

At long last, we got past that barrier! We are inside the Mystery Shack! Can you believe it?! And Fordsy is making us tea, just like I used to do for him in the Mindscape! This is even easier than I thought it would be!

I’m a bit concerned about the blood-draw, though. Do you think I’ve actually changed your blood composition or is the barrier issue more of a spiritual thing? Will we need another excuse?

Eh, we’ll figure it out!

Chapter Text

“Now that we have our beverages, tell me everything you know about Bill.”

“Oh, where to begin? Bill is more evil than I could’ve ever imagined! Apparently he’s been trying to build a portal into our dimension since the dawn of human civilization! Over the centuries, he’s puppeted numerous politicians, started death cults, and wormed his way into people’s subconsciousnesses through music, cartoons, and even deceptively-cutesy figurines of himself!”

“ Since the dawn of human civilization?! He never told me that! He told me that my genius was required to build the portal! I should’ve known that was a lie! Although, I can’t help but wonder why it took him thousands of years to succeed.”

“Nobody was willing to cooperate with him. Once the truth unraveled, they all turned on him, just like you and me and the original Anti-Cipherites, whom I actually learned about in his book.”

“Understandable. Nobody in their right mind would help Bill destroy our dimension. I just can’t believe he had the wool over my eyes for long enough to actually complete a portal.”

Not had, Fordsy. Has .

“You seem to be a very brilliant man. It’s not your fault that Bill had practiced his manipulation tactics on countless victims before you. By the time he got to you, he had just learned from previous errors.”

“I guess you’re right, but I just can’t help but blame myself.”

“Well, I know how you feel. For quite a while, I trusted him too.”

Let’s see if we can wedge that self-blame in a little further.

“It really weighs on you. Like, how can you not blame yourself for putting your entire dimension in danger?”

00110101 00110100 00100000 00110100 00111000 00100000 00110100 00110101 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110100 00110001 00100000 00110100 00110011 00100000 00110100 00110011 00100000 00110100 00111001 00100000 00110100 00110100 00100000 00110100 00110101 00100000 00110100 01000101 00100000 00110101 00110100

“Whoops! I blacked out for a moment!”

“Wait, you blacked ou t?! Is Bill trying to take over?!”

“Uh… maybe? No! I mean– uh, why are my pants wet?!”

“You spilled your tea.”

“...oh. Oopsie.”

Phew. Just tea.

“This is more serious than I thought! I’ll have to monitor you overnight to make sure Bill doesn’t break through!”

“Please do, Ford. I’m so scared. I don’t know what’s going on.”

“Stay in my lab tonight, and try not to fall asleep. I’ll monitor your vitals throughout the night.”

“Thank you so much for helping me!”

Alright, sleepover! And the best part: No sleeping!

Chapter Text

Something just occurred to me: If Sixer’s giving us a checkup for signs of me, he’s gonna wanna look behind the eyepatch. Luckily, I know a way around this. If he’s gonna draw blood, he’s gonna have needles in his lab. All we gotta do is stick one in…

Aww, are you scared? What, never lost an eye before? It’ll only be mildly annoying!

Oh, come on! It may be our only way through this without getting caught!

Just as a last resort, okay?

“What you just saw was my retinal scanner. I installed it to prevent Bill from entering my lab while possessing me.”

Pfft-

“And here is my lab. I know it’s a bit of a mess. I’m usually alone in here.”

“It looks amazing!”

“Thank you. Have a seat.”

Alright. Oh shit. He’s touching me. Ewww!

“Your pulse is very high, presumably due to anxiety.”

GDIK- WRTRGZO MOTSGNZIV- 12

“Yes, I’m terrified that Bill may take over my body again!”

“May I listen to your heartbeat? I don’t have a stethoscope, but I can fashion one out of a cardboard tube.”

Oh, what’s next? You’re gonna take my blood by sucking it through a silly straw?

“How innovative!”

“Ah, here we go. Stay still.”

Fantastic. I’m my lab rat’s lab rat.

"Good. Now, deep breath."

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

“Your heart rate is up, but apart from that, it sounds healthy. I was half-expecting to hear his horrible cackle…”

“Oh, thank goodness!”

“Do you feel any unusual pain?”

I gotta stall him from checking under the eyepatch.

“I have a bit of a headache.”

“I see. Was it worse right before or right after you blacked out?”

I could fake another meltdown, but he may pick up on the correlation between meltdowns and bypassing safety measures…

“Yes, both.”

“Noted. Have you experienced any visual or auditory hallucinations recently?”

I could make up an excuse to leave urgently… 

“Hmm… maybe?”

“Can you please describe them?”

No. We’re new to Gravity Falls; nobody here would need us after midnight.

“I hear his laughter. I had assumed it was just my paranoid mind playing tricks on me, but…”

“He may still be lurking.”

That I am!

“I think so…”

“You mentioned your eye socket bleeding earlier.”

Improv time!

“Yes, it was horrifying! It started out of nowhere! There was so much blood! I got so lightheaded, and I feared I would bleed out and die! I put the patch on as fast as I could! I’ve been wanting to check the damage, but I’m scared that, if I remove the patch even for a moment, I’ll start bleeding again and it’ll be deadly!”

“Well, if the bleeding were still an issue, you would’ve bled right through the patch, so it should be safe to remove. Now, let’s see…”

Nope! Nope! Don’t bring your face so close! Ewww!

“It seems the bleeding stopped very soon after you applied the patch.”

It feels like I’m under a microscope…

“I think so.”

“May I take a quick look underneath? I promise I won’t touch it.”

I can’t protest too much. I’ll just stall more.

“Fine, but I need to work up the courage first. I know this is stupid, but I’m worried that you’ll think I’m a freak.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t judge. In fact, I know how you feel. In my youth, I was ostracized for having six fingers on each hand… and being a nerd, but that’s besides the point. I know it’s not really comparable since I was born this way while you’re still adjusting, as well as the fact that missing eyes make a lot more people squeamish than extra fingers do, but what I’m trying to say is, you can trust me to react kindly.”

Got it!

“Well, in that case, I guess I’ll get it over with… OUCH!!!”

“What’s wrong?!”

“The tape! It’s stuck to my face!”

“Do you–”

“Hold on. I can do this. OW, OW, OW!!!”

“Are you sure–”

I’ll just try the other side… OH GOD IT’S EVEN WORSE!!!”

“Please, stop!”

“But I need to–”

“Forget it. Once you’re ready to remove the patch, use soapy water to ease it off. For now, there’s no need for you to torture yourself just to satisfy my curiosity.”

“Fine…”

“I’m going to prepare the blood-draw now. I just gotta find my supplies. I know they’re around here somewhere.”

“Alright. I’ll stay seated.”

And that’s how you pull off reverse psychology!

“Oh, so I do have a stethoscope!”

SERIOUSLY?!

Chapter Text

Since I don’t usually have a corporeal form, it’s most likely that your blood hasn’t changed at all. It looks the same old red as every other human’s blood, and it smells the same too. Then again, my visible color spectrum has decreased dramatically since I got trapped in here, so who’s to say for sure that it’s actually red?

Just kidding! You’re not special, pal! At least, not in terms of blood… Which is why we need to fake it!

Here’s the plan: After Sixer takes the samples, we’ll need him out of the room. Maybe we can claim to be sleepy and ask him for a cup of coffee. That should get us a few minutes alone in here, during which we’ll tamper with the samples. It doesn’t matter what we put in as long as it’s very inhuman and gets diluted into the blood. Hell, a few drops of spoiled milk could do the trick as long as they don’t remain chunky! Or maybe some lead, enough that it would kill a normal human if it were in their bloodstream! Or– ugh, he called your name; hold on.

“Yes, Stanford?”

“Are you ready for your blood-draw?”

Well, I’ll be. He actually has lab equipment for drawing blood. What a nerd!

“Yes, Stanford.”

“Good. Could you please undo this bandage around your arm? I’ll apply a new one afterward.”

“Good thing I used a different kind of tape for these.”

“Oh! Bill really did a number on you. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You must be in so much pain.”

“A little. It was worse right after the bus incident.”

“The what? ”

Sometimes, the truth works even better than a lie!

“He threw my body out the window of a bus.”

“I… I’m at a loss for words. That’s even worse than when he gave me hypothermia.”

“Hypothermia? That’s horrible!”

“I-I can’t take blood from someone who’s already so battered. We’ll do this once your cuts and bruises have healed.”

Oh, how convenient! We didn’t even need the plan!

“Thank you.”

“That being said, I’m very concerned about the pigmentation of your scabs.”

“Why? Because of the puss?”

“That too, but there’s something more worrying; something… supernatural. Back when Bill and I were still working together, he would shower me with praises and gifts. One of said gifts was the ability to see a new color. I called it Fordtramarine . And, if I’m not just seeing things, there are tiny specs of it present in your wounds.”

Wait, what?! I’ve changed my mind. We need answers.

“Are you sure you don’t want to take samples? That sounds so scary! You have to investigate it!”

“Please, don’t push your body too hard. In fact, you should be on bedrest.”

Time for some reverse-reverse-psychology, also known as begging.

“Aww, come on! The faster we do it, the faster we can defeat Bill!”

“You are very brave and very strong, but–”

“No, I’m not! I’m helpless and desperate for answers!”

“I know that feeling all too well. In fact, I’m feeling it right now. Okay, I’ll take a sample so we can both feel more at ease– only one small vial, though.”

Aww! Poor Fordsy feels helpless and desperate! This is just like the good old days!

“Thank you, thank you!”

“First, I’ll apply some antiseptic around the area…”

Ewww! He’s touching me again!

“Now, you’re going to feel a little sting in three… two… one.”

AHAHA!

“Ow!”

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay. It only hurt for a second.”

“Your blood, it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. The Fordtramarine is glistening, almost like glitter. I wish you could see it!”

“It must be cool to see another color. It’s basically a superpower!”

“I suppose it is…”

“Then again, you already had your genius beforehand…”

“Oh, stop it. I’m not all that.”

Wait, I should probably lay off the flattery before he makes the connection.

“All done. I’m going to bandage you up and then look at this sample under a microscope. Thank you so much for your contribution.”

“Anything to stop Bill Cipher.”

Ugh, I hate this! His touch is so pathetically WVORXZGV and disgustingly 5A 4C 4B 43 4C 4F 51 58 59 49 42! What an insult! Does he think I’m a puppy or something?! I know I did my fair share of begging, but I didn’t mean to look that helpless!

“There. Now, please, make yourself comfortable on that mattress. I’ll be right across the room if you need anything.”

Finally, he’s leaving us alone! I just hope his puny human mind can actually comprehend whatever the fuck is going on with our blood.

Chapter Text

This mattress actually isn't half-bad. And, is it just me or is it kinda relaxing here? The dim lighting, the eerie silence, the moistness in the air, the faint smell of acid… It’s almost reminiscent of this place in the Nightmare Realm I would go to when I needed alone time… Too bad I’m not actually alone… I’m stuck with Sixer and you…

But hey, it could be worse…

It could be much, much worse…

Trust me…

***

“BLF!!! BLF GLLP VEVIBGSRMT UILN NV!!!”

“01001001 00100000 01010111 01000001 01010011 00100000 01001010 01010101 01010011 01010100 00100000 01010000 01010010 01001111 01010100 01000101 01000011 01010100 01001001 01001110 01000111 00100000 01001101 01011001 00100000 01000110 01000001 01001101 01001001 01001100 01011001 00100001 00100001 00100001”

“ZKR QHHGV IDPLOB ZKHQ BRX FDQ KDYH LQILQLWH SRZHU?!”

“4F 46 20 43 4F 55 52 53 45 2C 20 59 4F 55 20 57 4F 55 4C 44 4E 27 54 20 55 4E 44 45 52 53 54 41 4E 44 21 20 59 4F 55 20 44 4F 4E 27 54 20 48 41 56 45 20 41 20 46 41 4D 49 4C 59 21”

“WAKE UP!!! WAKE UP!!!”

***

“Huh? I fell asleep?”

“Yes, a few hours ago. I’ve been closely monitoring your sleep, and just when I was starting to think you were safe from Bill for the night, you started thrashing around and speaking in tongues! Did he give you a nightmare?!”

“Uh… I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Understandable. I’m so sorry for not waking you fast enough. Here, have a tissue.”

“A tissue? Why?”

“Well, you’ve clearly been crying.”

“I’m not crying! It’s just your science stuff making my eyes water.”

“No need to be ashamed. Some of his nightmares made me cry too. I mean, he specifically searches for your worst fears and then forces you to go through them…”

“I’ll be fine! Just leave me alone!”

“I’m sorry. Emotional support was never my strong suit. I’ll give you a chance to calm down. Let me know when you’re ready to talk.”

***

Comfy mattress… dim lighting… eerie silence… moist air… scent of acid… *sigh*

Hey, this ‘grounding’ thing is actually working. I guess therapy was good for something after all…

Chapter Text

He’s still analyzing that sample…

Y’know, it’s ironic that he thinks I’m a freak when he’s spent the entire night watching me sleep and staring at my blood! What a hypocrite, amiright?

Come to think of it, it’s been ages since I last saw Sixer bleed. I believe it was during Weirdmageddon? He bled so much while I was torturing him! Oh, that was so much fun! I would love to hear him scream in fear again! 4E 55 43 20 58 55 53 47 54 5A 4F 49 21

Whew! Heart’s pounding again. Are you okay? Did the mention of torture scare you? I swear, that Ax only wants to make things harder! I disconnected your amygdala and everything, but he just had to reset all of my hard work!

***

Still going… I’m getting bored…

“Hey, Si- Stanford, how much longer?”

“This is unlike anything I’ve seen in any dimension. I’m afraid it may take several samples over the course of a few weeks to even form a hypothesis.”

UGGGGHHHH!!! At this rate, he’ll die of old age before I get out of here!

“That’s okay. I can be patient.”

“No, no. You looked bored, and I don’t blame you. You’re in a messy laboratory with no windows, no TV, and nobody but an awkward nerd to keep you company. Why don’t you head out for now?”

Finally!

“That sounds good. Should I return tomorrow at the same time?”

“No need. My brother recently got me one of those fancy smartphones , so if I have your phone number, I can send you periodic updates via text message .” 

“Good idea.”

We’re exchanging numbers already?! He’s so desperate!

“I have sent you a text message. Did you receive it?”

“Yeah, I got it. It says ‘Hello. –Stanford’.”

“Good. If you have a Bill-related emergency, call me immediately! I’ll be able to answer even if I’m away from home !”

I can’t believe this is the same genius who built my portal…

“I will. I’m gonna go eat breakfast, okay?”

“Alright, and I’m going to finally get some sleep. Once Dipper wakes up, he can continue the tree logs on my behalf, and I’ll get Stanley to watch me sleep in case Bill gives me a nightmare next…”

“Stanley? Is that your brother?”

“Yes. The matching names gave it away, right?”

Sure. Let’s go with that.

“Yeah… Does he ever think you’re too paranoid?”

“All the time, but he still goes out of his way to ease my worries. He’s a good man.”

“I see… well, I’ll text you later?”

“Alright. Text you later!”

***

Oh, Sixer… what a guy… how can someone be so smart and so stupid at the same time? It’s hilarious!

Chapter Text

Finally, our first payment! $340 in cash! Not bad for just three days of work, but I still think we should aim for a raise. In the meantime, whaddya say we get some new clothes? We’ve had just this one outfit the whole time we’ve been here and it’s gotten really dirty. Let’s eat dinner real quick and then see if the clothing store’s still open!

***

Ugh! The clothing store just closed! I guess we’ll have to wait until tomorrow before we can go shopping. But, maybe, in the meantime, we can do something else? How about a fun night out! Hold on. I just got a text, and I think I may know who it’s from…

…

Why is he taking so long to respond?!

…

Family game night? 15 24 6 14 2 - 5 12 22 6 11...

Fine. I’ll find other ways to build up his trust. In the meantime, I’m gonna put on a show!

***

Only three people? This place is a lot emptier than I thought it would be. Whatever. It’s been too long since I’ve performed in front of a live audience; I’ll take what I can get! Now, let’s see what songs they have… Dead Man by sElf ?? Ohoho, I gotta give this one a go!

Alright, music’s starting! What a catchy tune! Time for me to shine!

***

Woo! That was awesome!

…

No applause nor booing? No love nor hate; just indifference , like I’m invisible ?! What a tough crowd!

You know what? If nobody’s gonna appreciate my singing, they don’t get to hear it! Let’s get some free chips from the bar, maybe start a small fire, and then head back to the motel. I’m no longer in the mood to have fun.

Chapter Text

I was hoping that would make me feel better, but now, I feel angry and tired! Why does this body get tired so fucking easily?! I can’t imagine being a human– you get less than a century to live and you sleep through a third of it! I have watched over one hundred billion of you live out your short lives and a good chunk of you were sleeping at any given time! Back when I wasn’t trapped in a human body, that was perfect for me, but now…

I miss giving people nightmares, y’know? I love nightmares so much! They make people feel paranoid, vulnerable, ashamed, hopeless, and all…

Around…

Terrified…

Wait! Don’t fall asleep! I don’t want to–

I don’t want you to…

Have a…

***

“Frplqj, Prp!”

“Bdb! L oryh wulyld!”

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22 53 4F 48 44 56 48 2C 20 50 44 4D 48 20 4C 57 20 56 57 52 53 21 21 21 20 4C 20 5A 44 51 51 44 20 4A 52 20 45 44 46 4D 20 57 52 20 5A 4B 48 51 20 42 52 58 20 4F 52 59 48 47 20 50 48 21 21 21 22

***

Holy shit…

I suddenly feel like apologizing to Sixer for…

For…

That “K” response! How is he going to trust me if I have such a terrible attitude?!

Chapter Text

Alright. Apology time. How about…

“Sorry about that. I got drunk right after work.”

No… Sixer wouldn’t be too fond of an alcoholic…

“Sorry about that. I was busy with something else.”

Getting there. Now, to warm it up a little…

“Sorry for the short response. I was preoccupied.”

Almost. It’s missing a little something.

“I’m sorry for the short response. I was a bit preoccupied. How was family game night?”

Perfect! I’m apologizing and feigning interest in his family life!

I’ve been thinking, if I’m gonna get the Pines family to trust me, I gotta get into a habit of being kind, but I am very rusty in that department. Since we have the day off, whaddya say I practice on some townsfolk? Not only will it help me familiarize myself with kindness, but it’ll also earn me a positive reputation throughout the whole town, and if the Pines hear about all the good deeds I’ve done? Well, they’ll never suspect malice from someone so sweet and caring!

***

Here’s the plan: We’ll wait on this street until someone needs help; maybe an old lady who needs to cross or a kid chasing after his bouncy ball. Both are very fun car-related deaths, but today, I’ll be keeping the would-be victims safe ! For now, all we have to do is wait.

***

Ughhh! This street is so empty! This town is so empty! New plan! I’m gonna–

“Excuse me?”

Oh, well if it isn’t Shooting Star!

“Have you seen my pet pig? He fell asleep at the foot of my bed like usual, but when I woke up, he was gone, and now, I can’t find him anywhere!”

Perfect. Time to do a good deed.

“Oh, that’s terrible! I haven’t seen him, but I can help you look for him!”

“Thank you so much! We need all the help we can get!”

“Has he run away before?”

“No, never! I’m scared that someone kidnapped him! He has been a bit more skittish than usual lately…”

“That would be horrible! Who would do such a thing?!”

“I-I don’t know! He could be anywhere! I just hope he’s okay!”

“I hope so too! Do you have any clues as to where he may have gone?”

“No! We already searched the whole shack, and my brother Dipper and Grunkle Stan are searching the surrounding woods while Soos and I search the town!”

“Don’t worry. I’ll rally more people and we’ll have a full-blown search party.”

“Wait. I just got a text…”

She’s reading a text now ? I thought we were freaking out about the pig!

“My Grunkle Ford found Waddles! He was hiding in a cubby in the basement! That’s so weird! How did he even get down there? It doesn’t matter! I’m just so glad my sweet baby is okay!”

So much for my good deed…

“That’s great! I bet he’ll be so happy to see you again!”

“Thank you for offering to help, though. I asked, like, five people before you and you were the first one to offer.”

Oh?

“No problem! I’m always happy to help those in need!”

“I’m gonna go home to Waddles! Bye!”

***

Well, that was interesting. It seems my plan didn’t entirely fail, and we still have several more hours to find people to help! I’d be celebrating my success, I can’t help but wonder about the pig hiding in the basement of all places. Could it be…?

Chapter Text

Oh yeah, we were gonna go get some new clothes! We need an outfit formal enough for us to be taken seriously but not formal enough for us to stick out from the other townsfolk. And maybe we can have a pleasant conversation with someone while we’re at it– two birds, one stone!

***

Hmm… too bad this is the only clothing store in town because I don’t see anything formal or even semi formal! I guess a polo shirt and some black jeans will have to do. Actually, let’s get two shirts: One blue and one purple. Why blue and purple, you ask? Because they’re opposite from yellow on the humans’ visible light spectrum! See where I’m coming from?

Yes, I know the sunglasses are yellow, but we have the eyepatch now, so I guess we don’t need to keep wearing them. It does add an extra level of security, though, so I’ll keep them on for now. Maybe we can get some non-yellow ones later.

Okay, I guess I should try to have a chat with the cashier…

Wait. Why am I doing this when I have you to do it for me? Go ahead and be nice on my behalf!

Nope! No buts! Go on now!

***

You did amazing! You actually got that guy to smile! Good reputation, here we come!

Although… Come to think of it, I guess I shouldn’t leave all of the work to you. Snide remarks and swears are old habits of mine, and I can’t risk offending a member of the Pines family with my habitual rudeness. I’ll tell you what: The next time someone talks to us, I’ll try to make their day, and soon enough, I’ll have habitual kindness instead!

Now, whaddya say we let this physical change in clothes metaphorically represent my change in demeanor? A change on the outside to represent another change on the outside!

Chapter Text

Alright. Next person we see–

“Excuse me!”

Oh, great. A child.

“Do you need something, kid?”

“Yes, um, I, you see…”

A stutterer. Even worse.

W-wanna see the art I made?”

I couldn’t care less.

“Sure!”

“Well, it’s, um, in my pocket! Lemme… I’ll… get it.”

“Take your time.”

“Wait. No. That’s not it. Um, uh, h-hold on.”

This kid is really testing my patience!

“So, um, w-what’s your name?”

And, of course, I’ll give him your name.

“Nice to, uh, meet you!”

“You too, kid. What’s your name?”

“My name is, uh, it’s… A– oh, here it is! It was in, uh, in my other pocket!”

Shit. This better just be a crazy coincidence!

“W-what do you think… about… the… it?”

“Uh… It looks great! Keep up the good work!”

“Thank you so much! Axol– Axolot– Axolotls are awesome, r-right?”

“I guess so. Are they your favorite animal or…?”

“Yeah! Um, h-how did you, uh, know?”

“Just a lucky guess.”

“You're so funny! You, you know what? I, um, I want you to have this drawing!”

You’ve gotta be kidding me.

“Sure thing, kid! I really appreciate the gift! Although, I never got your–”

“Be sure to, uh, read the, uh, m-message!”

He interrupted me!!! How dare he?!

“A message? Where? I don’t see a message. Is it invisible or something? Kid?”

Wait. Where did the kid go?

“...kid? Are you invisible?”

Wait. I think there’s something on the back.

Of course! Leave it to my captor to trick me into being kind to him!

4 19 2 – 23 12 – 18 – 21 22 22 15 – 20 12 12 23 ?

Chapter Text

I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!!! I HAD TO BE NICE TO HIM !!!

And the fact that he showed up right after I said I’d be nice to the next person I came across?! That’s no coincidence! That bastard’s not only been watching us this whole time; he’s been reading our minds too!

And he purposefully made himself appear as unlikable as possible! I hate stupid kids, I hate stutters, I hate being patient, being interrupted by someone makes me want to strangle them, and he has told me multiple times before that I need to stop roasting others’ works during art therapy! Even before the big reveal, I was ready to murder that kid! I guess the next best thing would be to tear this stupid drawing to shreds and then throw it into a raging bonfire! I’ll literally roast his work, and what could he do about it, imprison me again over a drawing ?! That would make him look like a tyrant! 

Well, he’s already a tyrant, keeping the gods he deems lesser locked up and all, but… 

You know what? Let's destroy that thing right now!

***

There we go! A nice big fire, and all we had to do was empty that dumpster! Time to turn this amphibian asshole to dust!

First, let’s TEAR THIS PAGE TO PIECES!!! DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

And now… INTO THE FIRE!!! YES!!! YES!!! NOW, YOUR TIME HAS COME TO BURN, SUCKER!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

WOO! THAT WAS AWESOME! I know it wasn’t really him, but I imagined that it was, and IT FELT SO LIBERATING ! And , now we have a nice big bonfire!

Oh, how I love fire! It’s so bright and hot and 38 20 32 34 20 32 36 20 39 20 32 and–

Whoops! I forgot I’m no longer fire-resistant! Better treat that burn! Good thing we have the first aid kit on us…

Wait. What’s this piece of paper in here? I swear it wasn’t there before.

Oh shit.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU–

Chapter Text

Alright. I treated your burn, we had lunch (thanks for removing the crusts for me), and we still have plenty of time left before we have to sleep again. What should we do now? 

Lemme see your phone real quick.

Huh. Still no response from Sixer. Back in the day, I'd disappear for weeks on end so he’d grow desperate for me. Maybe he’s trying the same technique. I’m not sure what his motive would be, but it’s always a possibility. And, if my guess is correct, all I need to do is make the conversation topic more interesting, more difficult to resist. Hmm…

My statue’s still out there in the woods. How about we ‘accidentally’ stumble upon it?

***

I swear it’s around here somewhere. At least, I hope it is. Come to think of it, I was so overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught of bodily needs that I didn’t check before we left the woods.

That was basically my corpse! It can’t disappear just because I’ve returned in a different form, not to mention I’ll revert to my triangle form once you die at the latest! I know it was in this exact clearing! Where did it go?!

Wait.

That pile of rubble over there…

Could that be…

Me?

No! This can’t be! My powerful tophat, my beautiful eye, my outstretched beckoning hand; all gone!

How could this happen?! My statue was still in-tact just a few days ago! Sure, it was missing three limbs, but I could still look through its eye if I put in enough energy, and you shook its hand no problem! But now, it’s broken .

Don’t worry! It’s no big deal! It’s funny, actually! Maybe even metaphorical? I’m no longer trapped, right?! My statue may have crumbled, but I’m completely fine! Better than ever, in fact!

Although, I must admit, it would’ve been nice to have a tangible depiction of my usual triangle form to sit by and look at and touch…

Oh well! What can I do? It’s broken now!

Broken…

My statue is broken...

12 – 4 16 – 5 21 18 14 8 17.

Chapter Text

Can we just sit here for a little while?

I wanna tell you a little story I made for Puppet Hour a while back.

Once, there was a creature with two hands. The right hand was warm and loving. The left hand was cold and terrifying. Both hands craved attention, for it was their energy source, but one would always overshadow the other. The right hand fed off of love, which drove away fear, and the left hand fed off of fear, which drove away love. The creature preferred the right hand, believing that it felt far better to be loved than to be feared.

One day, the right hand was found chopped off from the arm. Everyone thought the left hand had done it. Even the left hand itself thought so. In reality, the right hand had cut itself off because it was unloved and didn’t want to starve anymore.

At first, the creature wanted its right hand back, but the left hand said, “A hand is a hand. We fulfill the same purpose: Connecting you to those who will give you the attention you desire. Whether a hand caresses or slaps; whether it gently holds or brutally strangles; it is still fulfilling its purpose. My twin always thought we were opposites, but in reality, we were exactly the same, so you have not lost anything.” With that explanation, the creature was content.

With the right hand gone, the left hand took center stage. The more attention it received, the stronger it grew, and with its help, the creature became one of the most powerful beings in the multiverse.

But, despite that, to this day, the creature still feels agonizing phantom limb pain where the right hand used to be. Sometimes, it wishes that the right hand would grow back and the pain would finally cease. The right hand, however, will never grow back. Thanks to its one remaining hand, the creature will forever be a monster, and 23 12 13 7 9 18 7 22 proud of it.

The end.

…

The whole broken statue situation reminded me of that story for some reason. We had free reign over our stories as long as they included a moral. In case you couldn’t tell, mine was that there’s no real difference between love and fear! I’m still surprised the therapists let that one slide…

Anyway, I think it was a funny story! How about you?

Chapter Text

I think I’m ready to go now.

Oh, and by the way, I have good news for you: I no longer want to gouge out my eye for real.

***

So, what should we do with the rest of our day off? I’m done being kind for today, but maybe we can still work on gaining Sixer’s trust? I need to craft the perfect text message; something that’ll make him terrified of me without making him terrified of ‘me’. Maybe a walk around town will help me come up with something…

***

Have you noticed that there’s a strange lack of triangles in this town? Circles and quadrilaterals abound; heck, there are even a few pentagons and hexagons; but so far, I haven’t seen a single triangle on a sign or a label or anything. 

Ah, it feels so good to be f 12 e 15 a 22 r 5 e 4 d! Back in prison, nobody took me seriously, but here? They know the consequences of messing with me.

Maybe, I can use this to my advantage. If Ford lost sleep over that triangle carved in the tree, imagine how much more paranoid he’ll be if I ‘spontaneously’ encounter another triangle! Now, I just need a rock and a bigger rock…

***

There! A beautiful equilateral triangle just so happens to be carved into this stone! Now, let’s take a picture!

“I found something concerning…” attach image… and send!

And now, we wait for–

ALREADY?!

So, he was ignoring me! How dare he?!

He replied, “Where are you?”

Ohoho! There’s the paranoid Sixer I know and 12 15 22 5 hate!

“By the water tower” and send !

Oh, what’s this? He’s on his way!~

Hook, line, and sinker, I tell ya!

I’d be mad at him for leaving me on “read” for several hours, but I think I’ve already gotten my revenge!

Chapter Text

He should be here any–

“I came here as fast as I could!”

Minute.

“Oh, thank goodness you’re here! I was going for a walk to get some fresh air and came across this rock with a triangle on it, just like the one on that tree you were watching!”

“You didn’t touch it, did you?”

“No, of course not!”

“Good. Now, step aside so I can investigate.”

While he does his nerd stuff, I wanna share the plan I just came up with! You see, my statue crumbling may not be so bad after all! Assuming that it wasn’t one of the Pines who destroyed it (although, that is a real possibility), maybe we can nudge him towards the statue and let him connect its destruction to me being freed!

“...third side is approximately five and a half centimeters long, making this carving an isosceles… perhaps it was hand-carved, then… very worrisome if Bill is behind this… Well, that should be all for now!”

“Did you find anything strange?”

“It seems to be hand-carved. Forgive me for bringing up this sensitive subject, but… Bill has possessed you before, and you had that blackout at my house the other night. Is it possible that he could have done this through your body?”

I gotta admit, he’s pretty smart for his kind!

“I don’t think so. That was the first and only black-out I had after arriving in Gravity Falls.”

“But maybe in your sleep? Have you ever woken up in a strange place or with any strange injuries?”

“No. I always wake up in my motel room. I do have a lot of nightmares, though. I’m sorry, but can we please drop the subject now?”

“Of course. I am so sorry.”

And now, some guilt-tripping disguised as an apology…

“It’s okay. Trust no one. I understand.”

“Actually… Never mind. I have a favor to ask of you. Could you please monitor this stone for me from a distance? Just check on it whenever you’re free to do so and tell me immediately if you spot any suspicious activity, whether from the stone itself or someone nearby. It would be greatly appreciated!”

Awww, he’s so paranoid already!

“Of course! I’d be honored!”

“Perfect. Now, before we part ways, do you have any other questions?”

Let’s subtly find out whether or not he knows anything about my statue being broken!

“Have you seen… my previous text?”

I couldn’t help myself!

“Yes. I read it this morning, but I was busy looking for my grandniece’s pet pig, so I forgot to answer. I’m very sorry.”

“Wait, so… it was an accident?”

“Of course it was. The only one I’d purposefully leave on ‘read’ is Bill, as I did after I found his book.”

Ouch.

“Good one!”

“Are there any other other questions you need answered?”

“Yes. Have you seen any other Bill-related anomalies since you first defeated him? Maybe other stone carvings?”

“As a matter of fact, there’s a stone statue of Bill out in the wilderness. I found it a short time after Weirdmageddon, but I assume it has been there since his defeat.”

Bingo!

“Could you please take me to see it? I’d like to study it.”

“I suppose I can. I myself should study it further now that Bill is trying to find a way back into our world. Perhaps I’ll even break off its hand so nobody can shake it.”

It’s a little too late for that!

“Excellent thinking!”

“Let me just text my brother that I may be late for dinner and then we’ll set off.”

BRX FDQ FDOO PH DQBWKLQJ HAFHSW ODWH IRU GLQQHU!

“Dinner? It’s mid-afternoon!”

“Chances are we’ll be back in town by five, but the woods are filled with monsters. I always have a weapon on me for self-defense, but if we get unlucky enough, we may not make it back until after dark.”

“Hey! You have a weapon to fight monsters with and I have Greasy’s leftovers so we won’t get hungry if we miss dinner! Don’t we make the perfect team?”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, youngster. Time will tell.”

Youngster? He has no idea…

Chapter Text

“...and that’s why you should never let your guard down in the presence of a birch tree. Also pay attention to any bug bites you receive as they may contain important messages. Albeit often misspelled, they…”

HAH! He’s practically listing off the things that make him paranoid! This is too easy!

“Oh, we should be arriving at the statue now! It’s right over… there? Oh no. ”

“What’s wrong, Stanford?”

“The statue… it’s gone !”

“Wait, does that mean…?”

“Either someone else recently found and removed the statue or… Bill Cipher has found a way into our dimension. ”

Ding ding ding!

“Oh no! It can’t be!”

“Well, there’s still good news.”

Wait, what?

“Good news?”

“Yes. If Bill has, in fact, returned, his power is very limited. Otherwise, he would have wasted no time in restarting Weirdmageddon. This strengthens my hypothesis that he’s possessing someone’s body… or maybe even trapped in a human body of his own. Either way, it’s clear what our next step is: To track him down and contain him.”

R nzb szev ulitlggvm qfhg sld hnzig gsrh tfb rh.

“Sounds like a plan. I’ll be on the lookout for anyone acting strange.”

“As will I… but first, let me investigate the area.”

“Alright.”

“A pile of rubble… it seems that the statue has not vanished into thin air, but rather, crumbled to pieces…”

We’re gonna need to set up some red herrings.

***

“Well, here we are, back at the water tower.”

“Thank you so much for taking me to see the statue. Even though there was nothing there, I enjoyed the little adventure.”

“Thank you for requesting to see it. Otherwise, I would not have known that it had crumbled.”

“I didn’t know either, but I’m happy to help!”

…

Ugh! I hate awkward silences!

“The sun is getting low in the sky.”

“Yes. You should hike up to the cliffs one of these days. The view of the sunset from up there is breathtaking .”

“That sounds fun! Maybe you can take me?”

“Maybe.”

…

Oh no! Not again!

“I should be heading home.”

Right. GRNV GL OVG SRN TL…

“Okay. Have a good night, and stay safe.”

“You too.”

Chapter Text

What an awful day! We had to be nice to people, including Shooting Star and The Axolotl, failed to burn The Axolotl’s crappy self-portrait, found out my statue has crumbled, got left on read by Sixer, showed Sixer that my statue has crumbled, and now, he’s having more family fun time while we sit in this crappy motel room. But hey, at least he’s feeling a bit more paranoid now! Oh, and we got new clothes today too! (Which color do you think fits us better, purple or blue?)

I know you’re tired, but I’m not ready to go to sleep yet. Why don’t we do something fun together so we can at least end this day on an okay note? Like, uhhh… nature! Wanna collect cool rocks or hunt gnomes or…?

Actually…

I haven’t gotten a proper look at the stars since before I was locked up. Can we stargaze?

***

Wow! It’s just how I remembered it. The stars are so bright and beautiful, and there are so many of them…

Can you believe that some were formed just a few million years ago while others are on the brink of going supernova? Or that some have already died eons ago and we’re catching a glimpse of their former selves?

And they’re all different sizes and colors and temperatures, yet all so magnificent, bringing light and warmth to that cold, empty void…

I wish I could get a closer look…

This may seem silly, but…

It almost feels like they’re…

Calling…

For…

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?!

Oh… it seems I dozed off for a moment… that’s concerning. 

Just a little longer and then I’ll go in.

How I long to touch a star…

To feel its scorching heat…

So warm and soothing…

Like a…

00100010 01010010 01000111 00100111 01001000 00100000 01001100 01010000 01011010 01000010 00101110 00100000 01010010 00100111 01001111 01001111 00100000 01001000 01010010 01001101 01010100 00100000 01000010 01001100 01000110 00100000 01000111 01001100 00100000 01001000 01001111 01010110 01010110 01001011 00101110 00100010

Oh no! I drifted off again! We gotta get inside, now!

Chapter Text

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… I’m exhausted. And, I actually kind of want to go to sleep? In fact, I almost crave it. Maybe there’s a sweet dream waiting for me…

We better get to bed so I don’t miss it!

***

11100010 10000000 10011100 01001001 01001100 01011000 01010000 01011010 01011001 01000010 01010110 00100000 01011001 01010010 01001111 01001111 01000010 00001010 01001011 01001111 01010110 01011010 01001000 01010110 00100000 01010111 01001100 01001101 00100111 01000111 00100000 01000010 01001100 01000110 00100000 01011000 01001001 01000010 00001010 01010010 01000111 00100111 01001000 00100000 01001101 01001100 01000111 00100000 01000010 01001100 01000110 01001001 00100000 01010101 01011010 01000110 01001111 01000111 00001010 01000010 01001100 01000110 00100000 01010011 01011010 01000101 01010110 00100000 01000111 01010011 01011010 01000111 00100000 01001000 01000111 01001001 01011010 01001101 01010100 01010110 00100000 01010110 01000010 01010110 00001010 00001010 01001000 01000111 01011010 01000010 00100000 01001000 01011010 01010101 01010110 00100000 01000100 01010010 01000111 01010011 00100000 01001110 01001100 01001110 01001110 01000010 00001010 01000010 01001100 01000110 00100111 01001111 01001111 00100000 01001101 01010110 01000101 01010110 01001001 00100000 01010101 01011010 01001111 01001111 00001010 01011010 01001101 01010111 00100000 01000100 01010110 00100111 01001111 01001111 00100000 01011010 01001111 01000100 01011010 01000010 01001000 00100000 01001111 01001100 01000101 01010110 00100000 01000010 01001100 01000110 11100010 10000000 10100110 11100010 10000000 10011101

“BHV?”

…

“GLG BRX IRUJHW WKH QHAW OLQH?”

…

“22 11 4 21 19 - 4 17 10 15 8 22 - 4 17 7 - 4 15 15?”

“ZS, BVH! GSZG’H IRTSG!”

201C 5A 4D 57 20 44 56 27 4F 4F 20 5A 4F 44 5A 42 48 20 4F 4C 45 56 20 42 4C 46 20 4E 46 49 57 56 49 56 57 20 46 48 20 5A 4F 4F 201D

***

Oh… it wasn’t real…

Well, I guess there was a sweet dream waiting for me!

Sweet as cyanide…

Delicious! I wish we could put some of that on our breakfast! But nope , just two-day-old pancakes with no syrup! I used to feast on entire planets like the royalty that I am, but now, I’m eating like a prisoner! Well, I never got pancakes at the Theraprism, but you know what I mean…

Chapter Text

Since we have some free time before work, how about we mess with Sixer a little? Watch and learn, kid!

Now, let’s see if we can garner some sympathy and paranoia…  

Aha! There we go! Now, he thinks it was his idea!

Wait, no! Why isn’t he scared anymore?! I should’ve said yes, that’s why! Ugh!

You know what? I’m sick of this conversation!

I CAN’T BELIEVE HE FOUND IT FUNNY!!! THIS IS ALL WRONG!!! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED!!! WHY WASN’T HE SCARED?! HE WAS TERRIFIED OF ME JUST YESTERDAY!!! THIS IS INFURIATING!!!

At least the possession bit got him worried for a moment. Maybe I should’ve told them that I woke up wearing the skin.

31 38 20 37 20 2D 20 34 20 31 32 20 36 20 31 35 20 32 33 20 31 33 20 37 20 2D 20 31 39 20 32 36 20 35 20 32 32 20 2D 20 32 32 20 35 20 32 32 20 31 33 20 2D 20 32 35 20 32 32 20 32 32 20 31 33 20 2D 20 32 36 20 2D 20 31 35 20 31 38 20 32 32 2E 2E 2E

***

Good thing it’s just a short walk to work!

Oh, a flower! I’m gonna kill it!

There we go! Now, don’t mind me…

He fears me…

He fears me not…

He fears me…

He fears me not…

He fears me…

He fears me… not?

OH, SCREW IT!!! IT’S JUST A STUPID MYTH ANYWAY!!!

Chapter Text

I know our shift is over, but before we head home, I wanna try something. You humans have potions that help you sleep better, right? Well, I think you could use one, so I’m gonna try to cook something up right now! Let’s see what the internet suggests, shall we?

***

Wait. Milk tea is supposed to help with sleep? Isn’t that what Sixer served us when we spent the night at his place? Maybe he is still scared of me after all! Then again, he’s always liked tea, so maybe I shouldn’t get my hopes up…

Oh, now we’re talking! Remember how I was craving cyanide earlier? Well, cherry pits are full of it, and it just so happens that cherry juice helps you sleep better! We have plenty of cherries in the fridge and a blender we’ve been asked to clean anyway; let’s do this!

***

Let’s just dump ‘em in… whoops, almost forgot the lid! And… blending time!!!

WOOOOO!!! LOOK AT THAT BLENDER GO!!! THOSE CHERRIES NEVER STOOD A CHANCE!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Wait, why did it stop?

Did I…?

Oh shit.

I broke the blender.

I really hope we don’t get fired over this…

Whatever! That’s a problem for Future Me! Let’s borrow a pitcher so we can get this delicious juice back to our room!

***

Hey, you know that thing that happens when Chumbo is extra satisfied and you start to feel all tired and sluggish? Well, that’s happening to me right now. Ready to try out the cherry juice?

Let me just pour ourselves a cup and… bottoms up!

Oh, wow! That’s more bitter than Sixer was when I trapped him in the Fearamid!

I guess we should try to sleep now? No. I’m not quite ready yet. How about we take that shower you’ve been antsy for?

***

I’m still not ready to sleep. Something’s wrong. I feel… nauseous? Wait, why are you running to the toilet? Oh yeah! That’s where humans prefer to–

00110111 00111001 00100000 00110110 01000110 00100000 00110111 00110101 00100000 00110111 00110100 00100000 00110111 00110101 00100000 00110110 00110010 00100000 00110110 00110101 00100000 00110010 01000101 00100000 00110110 00110011 00100000 00110110 01000110 00100000 00110110 01000100 00100000 00110010 01000110 00100000 00110111 00110111 00100000 00110110 00110001 00100000 00110111 00110100 00100000 00110110 00110011 00100000 00110110 00111000 00100000 00110011 01000110 00100000 00110111 00110110 00100000 00110011 01000100 00100000 00110110 00110011 00100000 00110011 00111001 00100000 00110101 01000001 00100000 00110100 00110110 00100000 00110111 00111000 00100000 00110110 01000110 00100000 00110101 00110000 00100000 00110101 00110101 00100000 00110110 01000101 00100000 00110111 00110000 00100000 00110111 00110011

…vomit.

Holy shit! That went on for, like, a minute and a half! I haven’t vomited that much at once since I was out partying with my Henchmaniacs and they dared me to order that one drink that contained unicorn blood!

Vomiting doesn’t usually bother me that much, but this time, I feel so… uncomfortable … and… filthy…

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… can we take another shower?

Chapter Text

Oh crap. Why is everything spinning? I need to sit down. Good thing the toilet seat’s right here.

Okay. What next? Right! Water! Thank you, conveniently-placed sink!

Never in my entire life have I been so eager to drink water!

I think that should be enough for now. I guess we’ll just have to sit here until we can walk again…

On second thought, maybe we could do with a little more water…

***

I’m getting really tired, but this body’s still weak. Do you think we can make it to the bed?

Let’s stand up, slowly .

Okay, the spinning isn’t as intense as before.

Now, careful… careful… out the bathroom…

Good thing we’re in a tiny motel room…

Phew! We made it!

It feels so good to finally lie down…

***

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***

Ugh…

Somehow, I feel even worse than I did before we went to sleep…

Can we call in sick?

Chapter Text

UGH! I was hoping the big chapter 50 of my fic would be something special, but instead, we’re sick in bed!

A text? Oh! That must be Lazy Susan!

It is! It says, “Fine, but don’t expect your ‘sick day’ to pay for the blender and pitcher!”

Right… that… the problem I left for Future Me…

I’m Future Me.

Well, at least I can return the pitcher now that I don’t need it anymore. Although, maybe I should’ve asked before taking it…

Remember how I told you that I could never hold a job? Well, we’ve kept this one for almost a week, so if we get fired soon, that’s still a win in my book, so don’t make a big deal over it, alright? As a natural-born leader, I suck at following orders; can you blame me?

***

So, needless to say, the cherry juice didn’t work as planned. Dare I say I slept better in that bush? At least I’m feeling fine for now, apart from the exhaustion. I think we’ll be ready to return to work in no time! Maybe we can even offer to work on our day off make up for the unexpected leave!

Uh oh…

Maybe we should’ve held off on breakfast…

I feel a little nauseous again…

No! It’ll pass! I just need a distraction!

Uh… Murder! Screaming! Blood! Fire! 

No! It's getting worse!

Shit! Throat’s burning! Quick!

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I…

I have to tell you something…

Uh…

Their…

Well…

Here goes…

…

I don’t like cherries anymore!

Yeah…

And also…

Um…

...

We need a change of clothes!

Wait. There’s something else…

You see…

I can do this…

I have to do this…

…

We should tell Sixer we’re sick!

No…

It’s something else…

I…

My…

Oh no…

Not the nausea again…

26 3 12 15 12 7 15 - 11 15 22 26 8 22 - 19 22 15 11 - 14 22…

It’s…

Their…

Uhhh…

I can do this…

I can do this…

I can do this…

…

Scalene and Euclid.

Those were their names.

…

Huh. I don’t feel nauseous anymore.

Chapter Text

I must admit, it feels good to be in clean clothes! Although, that doesn’t change the fact that I feel absolutely drained! This really sucks, but I think we’re gonna need to take a nap. We might as well get it over with…

***

Wait…

That was it? We just fell asleep and then woke up again? No dream or anything?

Well, okay, then! What time is it?

Afternoon already?! Damn! I guess I made the body really sick…

Should we eat something? On the one hand, I’m really hungry, but on the other hand, I don’t wanna risk vomiting again .

We can go a little longer without food, right? Humans have gone weeks without eating and survived, so what’s the harm in skipping one meal?

In the meantime, we should text Sixer.

“I’m really sick! I vomited several times! I think my food was poisoned somehow! What if Bill used his newest vessel to tamper with it?!” and send!

Hah! Will you look at that? It only took him, like, two minutes to respond! He said, “Where did you get the food from?”

Hmmm… “Greasy’s kitchen after work” There! It’s the truth but with important details missing!

He asked what I ate! What is this, an interrogation?! “A glass of cherry juice” Again, the truth but not the whole truth!

And he’s typing… 

“For future reference, please don’t consume open drinks left behind by strangers. I’m not sure how Bill would have made it into the Greasy’s kitchen unless he was possessing one of the staff. The more likely possibility is that someone else had already taken a sip and was saving the rest for later but then you drank it and caught a stomach bug in the process.”

Dammit, Sixer!!! Why aren’t you scared of me anymore?! We need to fix this, fast! Time to spice up the story!

“You don’t understand! Shortly after I drank it, I noticed that one of the fridge magnets was a yellow triangle, and I swear it wasn’t there when I started my shift!” Yes, I’m using the triangle thing again; it works, so I might as well. (Not to mention, it’s hilarious how scared he gets over a polygon! )

Huh… why is he taking so long?

Come on…

COME ON!!!

TEXT ME BACK!!!

Oh, there we go!

“It could have been a coincidence, but I suggest discreetly checking your coworkers’ eyes as often as possible just in case there is something going on. Better safe than sorry! Regardless of what made you sick, I hope you feel better soon! Have you seen a doctor yet?”

And we can throw in one more little lie!

“Yes, I just need to rest for a while. I hope I don’t have more nightmares in the meantime. I had yet another one last night, but it was too horrible to talk about. Anyway, thank you for your concern! Oh, and please let me know when you have more info on my blood!” and send!

Welp… that was not exactly the reaction I was hoping for, but you know what? At this point, I’ll take it!

Y’know, I really do wonder what he thinks of the blood. I hope it’s not an indicator that I’m trapped in here…

Maybe I shouldn’t have offered him that sample…

Chapter Text

Well, dinner hasn’t come back up, so I’d say we’re getting better.

Wanna stay up late so we can have a little fun?

You see, I’ve been thinking, what was it about me that Sixer feared most? The possession, obviously! He was so scared of what shenanigans I’d get up to in his body next that he got a metal plate installed in his head!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘But Bill, what about keeping your real identity hidden?’ Well, what if I told you we could do both?!

At around midnight, I’ll call him as myself . I’ll tell him that I’m possessing you and have been jumping from body to body every night! This has multiple benefits: He’d realize he underestimated my power and start fearing me again, he’d feel more empathy for ‘you’, and he’d be wary of everyone in town! This is gonna be so much fun!

In the meantime, wanna take a walk in the woods? We can collect rocks; maybe leave a triangle here and there?

***

Typically, I like to cause as much chaos as possible, but oddly enough, I actually don’t mind the peace and quiet tonight. Like, usually, whenever I’m in the woods, I feel tempted to start a forest fire, and often I do, but the urge is gone for now.

The crickets are chirping, the sky is clear…

I’m almost tempted to stargaze again…

Almost.

Wait. Is that a can of Pitt Cola?

It is! And there’s still some left! I’m gonna drink it out of spite!

SCREW YOU, SIXER!!! YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!

Crap…

I don’t think that was Cola.

***

Oh, it’s midnight! You know what that means: At long last, it’s time to scare Fordsy!~ Here goes!

DSB ZN R MVIELFH?

“Hello?”

“Guess who!~”

“No! It can’t be!”

HAH! He’s so paranoid that he guessed it immediately!

“Oh, but it is! You see, Fordsy, ever since I returned, I’ve been hopping around from one body to the next, and tonight, I chose your little assistant! Tomorrow, I may go for Stanley or even one of the kids! You’ll just have to wait and see~”

“Why are you doing this, Bill?!”

“Oh, no reason! I’ve just been trying on bodies until I find the perfect one to build a portal with! I would’ve gone with yours, but your melodramatic ass got that fucking restr–”

“YOU WERE GOING TO KILL ME IF I DIDN’T!!!”

YES!!! MORE OF THAT!!!

“Oh, c’mon, Sixer! We both know death would be too merciful for a traitor like you!”

“Oh, so that’s how you escaped death! You’ve betrayed so many people throughout history that the universe itself decided to let you suffer a little longer!”

Wait… Is that why The Axolotl gave me a ‘second chance’ at the Theraprism? Is that why it was so torturous? I always thought that may have been a possibility, and–

No! What am I doing?! I can’t let him of all people get under my skin!

“How did you survive, Bill? And how did you start possessing people again?! Did someone summon you back to Gravity Falls?!”

“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know!”

“Of course! It was your book! You made a deal with someone!”

“Lucky guess, brainiac?”

“Who did you make that deal with?!”

“Like I’d tell you! Stay curious, Sixer!”

“Fine! I can figure it out myself!”

“We’ll see about that!”

“Why did you call me anyway? Do you want something from me?”

Wanna see how to chuck a ‘recovering Cipherholic’ back into the throws of addiction?

“I just wanted to say hi and let you know I’m playing the field!”

“But you already did, and you’re still talking to me. What do you–”

Watch and learn!

“Oh, am I? Whoops! Sweet dreams!”

I HUNG UP ON HIM!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Oh, and will you look at that? He’s already trying to call back! What a sucker! Time for him to be left on read!

Chapter Text

Tired again… why does this body need so much sleep?

I guess we might as well call it a night… we’ll fall asleep either way, and I’d rather it not be a surprise…

***

“DZMMZ SVZI Z UFM UZXG?”

“JR DKHDG!”

“23 18 23 - 2 12 6 - 16 13 12 4 - 11 18 20 8 - 24 26 13 - 8 14 22 15 15 - 7 9 26 18 7 12 9 8 - 25 15 12 12 23?”

“ZKDW?”

“15 - 16 13 12 4 - 18 7 8 - 2 12 6 - 25 18 15 15.”

“20 24 12 23 - 15 2 12 17 10!”

“53 56 49 56 2019 48 20 5A 4D 4C 47 53 56 49 20 55 46 4D 20 55 5A 58 47 3A 20 52 20 57 4C 4D 2019 47 20 55 56 5A 49 20 42 4C 46 20 5A 4D 42 4E 4C 49 56 2E”

“26 11 4 23?! 26 11 2 - 17 18 23?!”

“59 56 58 5A 46 48 56 20 42 4C 46 2019 49 56 20 4D 4C 47 53 52 4D 54 20 59 46 47 20 5A 20 53 46 4E 5A 4D 20 44 52 47 53 20 5A 20 48 47 49 5A 4D 54 56 20 56 42 56”

“32 32 20 35 20 32 32 20 31 33 20 2D 20 37 20 31 39 20 32 32 20 2D 20 37 20 36 20 31 34 20 32 35 20 31 35 20 39 20 2D 20 37 20 34 20 31 38 20 31 33 20 31 36 20 2D 20 31 38 20 38 20 2D 20 38 20 32 34 20 32 36 20 39 20 31 38 20 32 32 20 39 20 2D 20 37 20 31 39 20 32 36 20 31 33 20 2D 20 32 20 31 32 20 36 21”

***

You know what? I’m getting really sick of sleeping! I mean, the human life expectancy is already short enough; we’re wasting precious time here! I used to be the one who would solve that problem! And now? For all intents and purposes, I might as well just be a human myself!

Think about it! I need to sleep, I need to eat, I need to expel waste , injuries take ages to heal, and I get sick ridiculously easily! It was bad enough when The Axolotl sealed away most of my powers, but now, he’s given me mortal weaknesses on top of that! I can’t stand it!

Yet, somehow, this is still a step up from the Theraprism!

Just a small one, though.

I finally made it out of one divine punishment, only to immediately be shoved into another! Fuck my life!

Chapter Text

I think it’s about time I start taking work more seriously.

At this point, we’re on the brink of losing our job, so we need to do a good deed to cancel out all of the mishaps.

How about this: Despite it being our day off, we’ll show up, borrowed pitcher in hand, and offer to make up for the sick day. I really don’t want to go back to work, but Suzy seemed pretty convinced we were playing hooky, so offering to work today would prove her wrong and may overshadow any blender-related resentment! And, of course, we’ll make more money!

***

Back to the daily grind… I really wish that meant putting people through a grinder… I’m already so bored… How did I go from washing brains to washing dishes?

At least we received a warm welcome! I think? I’m still not sure whether that “Help yourself to the orange juice!” was sarcastic or sincere. It’s hard to tell with that lady! I wish I could still read minds other than yours! Being trapped in here is literally crippling me! Do you have–

Wait. Let me put this plate down before I smash it.

As I was saying…

Do you have any idea how torturous this is?! Imagine if, without warning, an entitled prick tore out your arms, legs, eyes, and ears, and then left you stranded in the middle of nowhere! That’s just a fraction of what that frilly fuck did to me!

I really wish I could pretend that plate is The Axolotl and smash it to bits! Too bad we have to be well-behaved to avoid getting fired ! It’s the Theraprism all over again, except instead of being banished to the Void for bad behavior, you end up starving and homeless!

And, FYI, I’d take starving and homeless over the Solitary Wellness Void any day.

***

I’m soooooo borrrrred! What time is it?

It’s only 2 PM?! It feels like it’s been at least a year!

Ughhhh!

Maybe becoming a hobo wouldn’t be so bad…

Chapter Text

Finally, work is over!

I’m sick of eating at the motel! Let’s have dinner in the woods instead!

***

This seems like a good place to sit! And now, the meal I’ve looked forward to for hours: Parmesan with a side of spaghetti!

Hmmm. It’s cold. Should we start a fire to warm it up?

Nah! Not worth the effort! I’ve already done enough labor today!

Now, let’s eat!

***

Why does my new life have to be so boring? The motel is boring, our job is so boring, this whole town is boring! It could really use a mall, or at the very least, a bowling alley! Knocking down some pins would really–

Did you hear something?

HEY, WAIT!!!

THAT GNOME IS STEALING MY DINNER!!!

I NEED A ROCK!!! WHERE– AHA!

EAT THIS, SUCKER!!!

And, just like that, it’s out cold!

Woo! I’d been craving some violence for ages!

Some of the parmesan fell in the dirt, but that won’t be much of a problem. Let me just put it back on the spaghetti and… there! Good as new! Let’s eat!

***

It’s been several minutes and the gnome hasn’t moved. Do you think we killed it? I’m kinda hoping we did because that would be hilarious, but I’m also hoping we didn’t because Frills would not be happy!

I’m gonna see if it’s breathing…

It’s breathing, alright! Oh! It’s waking up! I’m pinning it down before it gets away!

“Spare me, please!!! I was just trying to feed my family!!!”

OHOHO! This’ll be fun!

“Your plea is tempting, helpless creature. However–”

“No, please!!! I don’t wanna die!!!”

The Axolotl wouldn’t appreciate us killing the thing, but maybe…

“Fine. I will let you live, but only if you do me a favor.”

“Anything!!!”

Did I mention how good it feels to be feared?

“You can live if you pay me tribute! Every full moon, you are to bring me–”

“WAIT!!!”

They always try to stall, but this only lengthens the game!

“What, pointy-head?”

“Uhhh… the stars are beautiful tonight!”

37 20 31 39 20 32 32 20 2D 20 31 34 20 31 32 20 31 33 20 38 20 37 20 32 32 20 39 20 2D 20 31 38 20 38 20 2D 20 32 20 31 32 20 36

“Hah! Made you look! Who’s the sucker now?!”

Oh… it’s getting away…

I could just throw another rock at its head and continue my demand if it survives, but… I suddenly don’t feel like it anymore.

Chapter Text

Well, it’s my least favorite time of day again…

Time to surrender to what’s easily the most annoying human need…

SLEEP.

The stars really are beautiful tonight…

Good thing we’re sleeping indoors…

***

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11100010 10000000 10011100 01000101 01011000 01010111 00100000 01001100 00100000 01001101 01011000 01010110 01010111 00100000 01010110 01001000 01001000 00100000 01000111 01000100 01010101 01001110 01010001 01001000 01010110 01010110 00101110 11100010 10000000 10011101 00001010

11100010 10000000 10011100 01010001 01000101 01011000 01010001 11100010 10000000 10011001 01010000 00100000 01011001 01000010 01011010 01011000 01010010 01010000 01000010 00100000 01010110 01001100 01010010 00100000 01000101 01011000 01010011 01000010 00100000 01011000 01010000 01000101 01000010 01010000 00100000 01000110 01001011 00100000 01010110 01001100 01010010 01001111 00100000 01000010 01010110 01000010 00101110 11100010 10000000 10011101 00001010

11100010 10000000 10011100 01001100 00100000 01001110 01001000 01001000 01010011 00100000 01010111 01010101 01000010 01001100 01010001 01001010 00100000 01010111 01010010 00100000 01011010 01001100 01010011 01001000 00100000 01010111 01001011 01001000 01010000 00100000 01000100 01011010 01000100 01000010 00101100 00100000 01000101 01011000 01010111 00100000 01001100 00100000 01000110 01000100 01010001 11100010 10000000 10011001 01010111 00100000 01010000 01010010 01011001 01001000 00101110 11100010 10000000 10011101

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11100010 10000000 10011100 01000010 01001000 01010110 00101110 11100010 10000000 10011101

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00110010 00110000 00110001 01000011 00100000 00110101 00110000 00100000 00110101 00110001 00100000 00110101 00111000 00100000 00110100 01000010 00100000 00110100 00110001 00100000 00110100 00110110 00100000 00110100 01000010 00100000 00110100 00110100 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110101 00111001 00100000 00110100 00110010 00100000 00110100 00110011 00100000 00110100 01000011 00100000 00110100 01000110 00100000 00110100 00110010 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110101 00110110 00100000 00110100 01000011 00100000 00110101 00110010 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110101 00111000 00100000 00110100 01000110 00100000 00110100 00110010 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110101 00110001 00100000 00110100 00110101 00100000 00110100 01000011 00100000 00110101 00110000 00100000 00110100 00110010 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110101 00110100 00100000 00110100 00110101 00100000 00110100 01000011 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110101 00110100 00100000 00110100 00110110 00100000 00110100 00111001 00100000 00110100 00111001 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110100 00110101 00100000 00110100 00110010 00100000 00110100 00111001 00100000 00110100 01000100 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110101 00110110 00100000 00110100 01000011 00100000 00110101 00110010 00100000 00110010 01000101 00100000 00110010 00110000 00110001 01000100

00110010 00110000 00110001 01000011 00100000 00110101 01000001 00100000 00110100 00110100 00100000 00110100 01000011 00100000 00110101 00110111 00100000 00110010 00110001 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110100 00110010 00100000 00110101 00110010 00100000 00110101 00111000 00100000 00110010 00110000 00110001 00111001 00100000 00110101 00110101 00100000 00110100 00111000 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110101 00110110 00100000 00110101 00110111 00100000 00110100 00110100 00100000 00110101 00110001 00100000 00110100 00110111 00100000 00110100 01000011 00100000 00110101 00110001 00100000 00110100 01000001 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110100 00110101 00100000 00110100 00111000 00100000 00110100 00111001 00100000 00110101 00110010 00100000 00110101 00110101 00100000 00110100 00111000 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110101 00110000 00100000 00110100 00111000 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110100 00110100 00100000 00110101 00110001 00100000 00110100 00110111 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110100 00110010 00100000 00110101 00110010 00100000 00110101 00111000 00100000 00110010 00110000 00110001 00111001 00100000 00110101 00110101 00100000 00110100 00111000 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110101 00110001 00100000 00110101 00110010 00100000 00110101 00110111 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110100 01000010 00100000 00110100 00111000 00100000 00110100 01000110 00100000 00110101 00110011 00100000 00110100 01000011 00100000 00110101 00110001 00100000 00110100 01000001 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 00110101 00110000 00100000 00110100 00111000 00100000 00110010 00110001 00100000 00110010 00110000 00110001 01000100

***

Well…

That checks out…

12 16 - 16 2 - 18 26 17 - 22 15 8 8 19 - 19 4 21 4 15 12 22 12 22 - 7 8 16 18 19.

Nothing! I was just thinking about…

How the cherry pits broke the blender!

Yeah! I should’ve seen that coming! No wonder Suzy was so mad! Even a child would’ve known better than to throw those rock-hard pits in the blender! But hey, now that I know better, I won’t do it again! Live and learn, right?

Now, let’s have breakfast!

Chapter Text

We still have some free time before work. Maybe I should give the faking kindness thing another go. I’m gonna try standing at a street corner handing out compliments to everyone I see!

***

Compliments… hmm… I know!

“Hey, you! Yeah, you! Nice teeth!”

Oh. I don’t think he liked that one. Lemme try again…

“Hey, miss!  I like your legs! Have you been working out?”

What? Why did she respond with “I’m taken”? Did she really think I was hitting on her?!

I’ll just keep trying until someone actually accepts my compliment!

Oh, hey! Is that Ice? I wonder if Pinetree still simps for her! If so, maybe we could use that to our advantage down the line! Anyway, lemme try complimenting her!

“Hey, you! Random teenager! The color of your hair reminds me of a bonfire!”

“Uhhh… cool?”

Well, that was awkward, but at least she wasn’t offended! I’m getting better at this!

***

I think I’m getting the hang of this! We need to get going in a few minutes, but let me give one more compliment first!

“Girl, your skin is absolutely glowing! Did you bathe in uranium or something?”

“Pfft! Thank you so much! Do you want my skincare routine?”

I really don’t.

“I have to–”

“Okay, so, I start with some moisturizer. You can use whatever brand you want, but I…”

Well, we’re trying to be kind, and it would be rude to interrupt, but it would also be rude to leave abruptly…

I really hope she stops talking soon.

***

“So, yeah, make sure to follow me and enter my giveaway! Have a nice day!”

“Thanks! You too!”

And now, we’re late for work. Great . I guess capitalism and kindness just can’t co-exist!

Chapter Text

Suzy seemed a little annoyed when we arrived late. I hope our pay doesn’t get docked even further.

I wonder if anything interesting will happen at work today…

Hmm…

Well, it may be bright and sunny now, but there’s a near guarantee that it’s gonna start raining soon!

And… there’s a small chance a customer will vomit and we’ll have to mop it up?! Absolutely not doing that! What else?

Oh, now this would be fun! We may get to kill a cockroach this evening! I’ve been itching to kill something for ages!

And then, as we leave work…

Crap! My Ciphervoyance can’t reach that far anymore! And I have a headache now! Stupid weak meat computer!

What has become of me?

ZN R VEVM HGROO NV?

Enough is enough! I need to find a way to grow my power!

***

I have an idea! Maybe, the more people worship me, the more powerful I’ll become! And, in this day and age, not even the barrier can stop me from indoctrinating people all over the world! If I can’t gain followers physically, I can gain them virtually ! Do you catch my drift? 

Now, what kind of content would I create? Storytime vlogs? Comedy sketches? Let’s plays? All of the above?

Yes! All of the above!

You know, I uploaded videos in secret for a while back in my Theraprism days! I would show you, but they got sent to this other dimension called R34LITY. ((YOU)) can give ‘em a watch, though!

***

Ughhh, I’m so bored! What time is it?

6:18?! We still have almost two hours left?! I’m gonna die of boredom before we–

Oh, heyyy! Look who finally showed up! It’s the cockroach I saw earlier!

Quick, we need to squash it before it gets away!

Shit! It’s fast!

It’s going up the wall?! I’ll just punch it, then!

POW!!!

WOOO!!! I KILLED IT!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

AT LONG LAST, I’M FINALLY A MURDERER AGAIN!!!

AND , AS AN ADDED BONUS, THAT WALL WAS SO HARD THAT OUR KNUCKLES ARE BURNING!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! WHAT SHOULD WE KILL NEXT?! 

Hmmm… Do you think we can find a way to kill a certain pig without Frills being a little piss baby over it?

***

AFTER ALL THIS TIME, WE’RE FREE!!!

Until tomorrow, that is.

But I don’t wanna think about that right now.

For now, let’s just enjoy the rain.

Chapter Text

You know what? I feel like pulling an all-nighter so we can begin our influencer side-quest!

Before we can get started on videos or streams, we’re gonna need a computer, and for that, we’ll have to save up a lot of money. However , since you have your phone, we can give Instagram a go!

Here’s what I was thinking: We’ll set up a page centered around the weirdness of Gravity Falls! If we post pictures of all the creatures unique to this town, our account is sure to go viral! And, if we throw in a few scenic selfies, the internet will already be familiar with our face! We’ll still have to hide my eye, though– at least, for now. Maybe we can tease a mystery around it in the future! “It’s just a contact lens to make me look spooky– or is it?” Wouldn’t that be fun?

So, whaddya say? Ready to go cryptid-hunting?

***

I think our easiest catch would be a gnome. All we’ll have to do is leave out some food, find a good hiding place, wait for a gnome to find it, and snap a pic as it eats! 

I’ll just set these fries down here…

And now, we wait!

***

This is taking way longer than I thought it would! It’s been, like, an hour! Of course, when we actually want them to take our food, they’re nowhere to be seen! Figures!

I feel like such a nerd! I mean, there’s so much I could be doing with my limited free time and I’m sitting in a bush waiting for a gnome to eat fries so I can take a photo for Instagram! This better go viral! (Although, I suppose, even if it doesn’t, this is still a better way to spend the night than sleeping.)

Oh! Did you hear that? Footsteps!

YES!!! AT LONG LAST, WE HAVE OURSELVES A GNOME!!! PHOTO TIME!!!

Alright, I got a bunch!

Look at this one, where it’s nibbling on the fry! Guaranteed likes from that one alone! Let’s make an account and post our gnome pics!

***

Username… hmmm…

GravityFalls? 

Taken?!

GravityFalls666?

Available, but that number may intimidate people…

How about… GravityFallsLostLegends?

HOW IS THAT TAKEN TOO?!

GravityFallsHiddenSecrets?

Let’s go with that for now! We can always change it later, right?

Oh yeah! We need a profile pic! Let’s head back to our room for our sunglasses and then take one where the moonlight hits our face just right!

***

There we go! Now, we can finally post our gnome pictures!

And a caption… I guess we should provide some information about gnomes?

Photographing cryptids and writing down facts about them… I might as well be Sixer… isn’t a social media account basically a public journal? SGEHK ZMOY’RR OSVXKYY NOS!

Time for tags! #GravityFalls, #gnomes, #cryptid, #cryptology, #mystery, #secrets, #weird, #strange, #odd, and a few irrelevant ones to increase its reach! #meme, #funny, #silly, #cute, #wholesome, and post!

And now, we wait to go viral!

Chapter Text

I’ve been wondering: Should we tell Sixer that you’re okay? I was gonna do it the morning after the call, but I keep getting such lovely messages from him and I would hate to put an end to his worries! I mean, look at this! Every time he sends a new one, I can’t help but smile!

Oh, how the turns have tabled! This is poetic irony at its finest!

I’ll answer him sometime tomorrow. After all, we do need to continue the whole trust-building thing… ugh…

Let’s check back on Instagram!

Still nothing?! Why is this taking so long?!

Well, I’m willing to stay up all night waiting!

In the meantime, I might as well check out the explore page to see what people like most…

***

Oh, look… 

It’s 3 AM…

I guess we’ve been scrolling for quite a while…

And I still haven’t gotten a single follower…

Not even a like…

How much longer…?

***

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JUNG?!?! ONPX VA GUR GURENCEVFZ?!?!

HVIRLFHOB?! LMV NROORLM BVZIH ZMW R XZM’G YFHG NBHVOU LFG?! GSRH RH YFOOHSRG!!!

JRYY, NG YRNFG GURER NER N SRJ GVZRYVARF JURER V ZNXR VG BHG! JUNG UNCCRAF GURA?! JRVEQZNTRQQBA 2?!

12 - 6 18 16 5 24 22 23 - 12 17 23 18 - 9 15 4 16 8 22 - 4 17 7 - 7 12 8 . . .

13 - 7 19 17 6 25 23 24 - 13 18 24 19 - 10 16 5 17 9 23 - 5 18 8 - 8 13 9 . . .

14 - 8 20 18 7 26 24 25 - 14 19 25 20 - 11 17 6 18 10 24 - 6 19 9 - 9 14 10 . . .

15 - 9 21 19 8 1 25 26 - 15 20 26 21 - 12 18 7 19 11 25 - 7 20 10 - 10 15 11 - 15 20 - 12 24 21 20 26 - 21 12 - 26 14 11 - 22 15 20 11 25 . . .

RH GSVIV MLG LMV KLHRGREV LFGXLNV?!

BU, V YBBX UNCCL VA GUVF BAR!

7 19 22 - 26 3 12 15 12 7 15 - 23 22 24 18 23 22 8 - 18 14 - 21 9 22 22 - 7 12 - 20 12 ! ! ! - 2 22 8 ! ! !

51 48 52 20 47 42 2E 2E 2E 20 54 42 42 51 20 4F 52 55 4E 49 56 42 45 3F 21

KUUUG! ZH RU! DV YLGS PMLD GSZG’H RNKLHHRYOV! MLG RM Z NROORLM BVZIH!

35 20 32 32 20 32 30 20 32 31 20 37 3F

***

Alright, time to check on Instagram!

Oh shit! It’s already after 11?! We better hurry or we’re gonna be late for work again! Good thing we’ll be able to quit soon!

Speaking of which, lemme just check this notification real quick! Did I get a like? Maybe even a follower? Let’s see!

Ooo! It’s a comment! And it says…

“This is obviously fake! Not fooling anyone!”

WHAT?!?!?!

Chapter Text

We still have fifteen minutes to get to work! As long as we don’t run into any distractions, I think we’ll be able to make it! Let’s go!!!

I must admit, the heat of the sun feels–

“BILL!!!”

WHAT?! What is he doing here?!

“S-Stanford, I–”

“Where do you think you’re going in such a rush?”

Time for some more improv!

“I’m so relieved to see you! I was in my motel room trying to sleep, and next thing I know, three days have gone by! I fear Bill forced his way back into my body! I have no idea what he did during that time, but I really hope nobody got injured! All I know is that my head hurts, my knuckles are sore, and I’m running late for work, if I even still have my job!”

“Oh... I'm terribly sorry... I completely understand how terrifying and violating it is to lose control of your body to Bill. In fact, I was worried sick about you the whole time. A few nights ago, Bill called me from your phone just to taunt me, and when I tried to check in on you, I got no answer. Nobody around town had witnessed any unusual behavior, and you had briefly mentioned you were staying at the motel, so I came over here to finally get the bottom of this. I was fully expecting to face off against Bill, so words cannot describe how relieved I am to see you .”

WORRIED SICK!!! YES!!!

“I’m so sorry that he used me to mess with you! It’s my fault for trusting him in the first place! I feel like a horrible monster!”

“I know that feeling all too well. But remember: It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t seek out Bill; you just happened upon his book and got caught in the crossfire. I, on the other hand… I wanted something from him… and I summoned him.”

Got him to open up; time to strike his weak spot!

“ You summoned him? Did you know beforehand he was an evil demon or…?”

“I knew I was dealing with a powerful being, and I knew there was a possibility that summoning him was a terrible idea, but at the time, I saw him as this deity of infinite knowledge, and I was desperate, so I took the chance.”

“How long did it take you to realize the truth?”

“Longer than I’d like to admit.”

“I really gotta get to work, but before I go, I have one more question.”

“Yes?”

“You mentioned you and Bill worked together on that portal for a while. During that time, you must’ve grown very close. Do you ever… miss him?”

“What?”

“Do you ever miss having Bill as a friend?”

“I… maybe I do miss him sometimes...”

“Wait, really?!”

“But my aim is getting better!”

Oh…

“Get it? Because… uh, never mind! You better get to work! Text me later, okay?”

“Alright, Stanford! Text you later!”

If we’re late for work again, I’d say it was worth it this time!

Chapter Text

Phew! We made it, and with one minute to spare!

Damn, this vessel’s so weak! How is it already sweaty and out of breath?

Better have a quick drink of water before we start doing the dishes!

Crap! I spilled some on the floor! You know what that means: More work for me…

I can’t wait until I can quit this job!

***

Another day of work done! Just one more until we get our next paycheck!

I can’t believe we didn’t get a single Instagram notification during our entire shift! WHY AREN’T PEOPLE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?!?!

Wait! Sixer told us to text him! He’ll pay attention to me for sure! Unfortunately, I gotta pretend to be you again or else he’ll get suspicious…

“Hey, Stanford! I just got done with work! Bill has left me alone for now, but I’m scared he’ll return once I fall asleep! What should I do?”

That’s sure to get him worried!

Oh, and will you look at that? He already responded!

“For now, I suggest you stave off sleep in whatever way works best for you. (For me, it’s coffee.) I would suggest you get a certain song stuck in your head to drive him out, but that may backfire and end up angering him further.”

Ahhh, good times!

“I’ll try, no promises though! I suck at staying up late!” and send!

Awww! He wished us good luck! Looks like we’re forming a bond!

Now, let’s make another Instagram post! How about we keep it simple this time and get some scenic photos of the woods?

***

So, we have a few of the trees, one of a rock, one of a leaf… how about we finish it off with one of the moon?

Wait. Why does the moon look so fuzzy on the phone’s camera?

Maybe if I…

Nope! It still looks like crap!

Maybe if I zoom out and capture the night sky as a whole?

I guess that’ll do. We’ve got the treetops at the bottom and the moon and stars overhead…

20 8 5 - 16 1 20 8 - 20 15 - 19 20 1 18 4 15 13 - 9 19 - 16 15 20 - 23 15 18 20 8 - 20 1 11 9 14 7.

YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!! YOU’LL NEVER WILL!!!

Sorry about that! I had to silence the voices real quick! Now, let’s hope this post does better than the last one!

Chapter Text

Unfortunately, we can’t be staying up late again or else we may be late for work . Sleep, work, sleep, work, sleep, work, every day until this meatsack falls to pieces! I can’t stand it!!!

***

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***

Oh! I woke up with a headache and an Instagram notification! What a treat!

YES!!! FINALLY, AT LONG LAST, A LIKE!!! STARDOM, HERE WE–

Whoopsie! I’m feeling a little lightheaded! That can’t be good! Time to water the vessel!

***

Alright, I’m starting to feel more stable, but there’s something I need to tell you…

I was…

I was thinking…

No, I was…

I…

There was a…

Well…

The voices…

Let’s just say I…

I…

I’m starting to feel faint again. Better fuel the meatsack!

***

This toast still has the crust on it! For shame! Do I have to do everything myself around here?! Why should I have to remove the damn breadcrust myself ?! I never had to do it myself in the Nightmare Realm nor in–

In…

In my home dimension.

Whatever! At least it’s edible!

So, if we can make it through the day without getting fired, we’ll finally get another paycheck! And, since we have tomorrow off, we can stay up late looking for another creature to photograph! And then, tomorrow… Maybe we’ll meet up with Sixer again? Or…

You know what? This toast tastes awful! I’ve had dirt that was better! In fact…

It’s probably going to rain again this afternoon. Just a normal shower, but wouldn’t it be so much cooler if it rained acid? Everyone would be screaming and panicking and…

*sigh*

Nor in Euclydia.

LD!!! NB SVZW!!!

There! I finally said it!

And, suddenly, I’m no longer lightheaded. Huh.

Chapter Text

Finally, our next paycheck! $300, and that’s after the cost of the blender was subtracted! I’m gonna be honest: I thought for sure we’d be fired by now! But hey, we made it, so let’s celebrate by staying up late and eating this perfectly-good ice cream that almost got thrown out just because it’s one day past expiration!

***

Alright, our last post made it up to five likes, but if we really wanna take off, we’re gonna need another cryptid! What’s it gonna be? Should we just walk around until we find one? No, wait! I have a better idea: Let’s ask Sixer! After all, we gotta figure out what our audience wants!

By the way, this ice cream tastes really interesting compared to other human foods! I like it!

***

Oh! He texted back! A plaidypus ? Seems pretty boring, but the internet does love cute animals, not to mention these little guys aren’t hard to find if you know where to look! Since they’re aquatic animals, we’ll just wait by the lake until one shows up! Maybe we can get a video of it swimming!

***

Cryptid-hunting has been really boring so far! Most of it is just sitting around and waiting for the creature to show up! I’m gonna text Sixer in the meantime! This is the perfect opportunity to stroke his ego!

SHIT!!! NO!!! I BLACKED OUT AGAIN AND TEXTED HIM SOMETHING I SHOULDN’T HAVE!!! ABORT!!! ABORT!!! ABORT!!!

Now, let’s actually find a plaidypus!

***

Oh, look! Something’s moving in the river!

There it is! A plaidypus! And in blue , nonetheless! Those are rare! Let’s get close enough for good footage but not close enough to scare it away!

There we go! This video’s totally gonna go viral!

Crap! It saw us!

Annnd it’s gone! At least we got a good ten seconds or so! Although, I should probably work on my stealth if we’re gonna be doing this kinda thing regularly…

***

Post is up! We’ll check back in on it soon! In the meantime, there’s something I wanna do real quick…

And that’s the truth.

Chapter Text

Wow! It’s morning already?! That must be the best night’s sleep I’ve ever had!

Now that we’ve finally got a non-sick day off, we should meet up with Sixer again! I dunno if you noticed, but last night, I subtly chipped away at his confidence under the guise of building it up! My only concern is that, while self-loathing, he has this infuriating tendency to put Stanley on a pedestal! It’s a very recent development, so I’m hoping I can nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand!

And, for that, we’re gonna need to tear a little rift into their familial bond! All we have to do is remove the cornerstone and it’ll come crashing down all over again! And what exactly is that cornerstone? That they worked together to kill me– or so they thought! 

Is Stanley really a hero if his sacrifice was in vain? Yeah, yeah, I know The Axolotl won’t let me resume Weirdmageddon, but nobody else knows about that, so for all they know, I could be building a portal as they speak!

Time to pay them a surprise visit! This is gonna be fun!

***

Perfect! There they are, chatting outside the shack! Let’s eavesdrop a little!

“–and they’ve been having nightmares, and I’m just wondering if we never should’ve told them about Bill’s return. They deserve to have a relaxing, trauma-free summer.”

Ooo! They’re talking about me!

“If you ask me, Bill should be the one having nightmares about them! The kids kicked his pointy ass multiple times!”

HEY!!!

“Take this seriously, Stanley. Lives are at stake. In fact, I’m surprised nobody has died at his hands yet– at least, not that we know of.”

Sounds like there’s already some tension building! I wish we had popcorn!

“Humor is my way of coping! I’m just as scared as you are, Sixer!”

YES!!! They both fear me!

“Don’t call me Sixer!”

“Why not?! Because the fucking triangle called you that too?! I called you Sixer years before he did! It’s MY nickname for you; he STOLE it!!!”

OH, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL! THEY’RE DOING ALL THE WORK FOR ME!

“Since the phone call, it’s been fresh–”

“AND YOU’RE GONNA LET HIM TAINT IT, JUST LIKE THAT?!?!”

“Stanley.”

“GIVE HIM EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS?!?!”

“STANLEY!!!”

“WHAT?!”

“We have a visitor.”

Oh hey, he finally noticed me standing out in the open!

“CAN’T YOU SEE WE’RE BUSY?! LEAVE US ALONE!!!”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize this was a bad time.”

“I’m sorry too. My brother’s being a bit of a handful right now.”

“Wait. Is that…?”

“The new anti-Cipherite? Yes.”

“Oh… you have your gun, right?”

“Stanley.”

“Do you?!”

“Yes, I do, but I already told you, I’m not gonna shoot an innocent person!”

“What if they’re just as evil as Bill?!”

“Innocent until proven guilty! Chances are they were manipulated into helping him, just like I was!”

Screw it! I gotta deal one blow!

“Yeah, Stanley! I mean, your own brother almost started the apocalypse and I don’t see you trying to shoot him!”

“QUIT WATCHING US ARGUE AND LEAVE!!! ”

“I’m incredibly sorry, but he has a point. We’re currently… occupied. In the future, please text or call me before coming over.”

“Alright, alright! I hope you sort things out! See you later!”

***

Well, whaddya know?! I didn’t have to do anything! Their cornerstone might as well be that S on the Mystery Shack– no matter how many times they prop it back up, it always finds a way to fall again!

Chapter Text

You know what? I’m getting sick of Greasy’s leftovers and I’ve been itching to kill something, so let’s go out in the woods and find some real food!

***

Alright, we’ve got a few pointy rocks! Now, let’s find a tasty creature to throw ‘em at!

Oh, look! A jackalope! And I think it’s already injured! Look how it’s hopping! This is gonna be easy peasy!

Aim… and…

YES!!! HEADSHOT!!!

I’m pretty sure it’s dead, but Imma stab it in the chest a few times for good measure!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

IT FEELS SO GOOD TO HAVE BLOOD ON MY HANDS AGAIN!!!

AND NOT ONLY DID WE GET TO KILL THIS PATHETIC CREATURE; WE GET TO EAT IT TOO!!! LET’S START A FIRE!!!

***

You know what? Now that I have blood coating my hands, the heat of a flame scorching my face, and crispy, delicious prey in my mouth, being trapped in a human body doesn’t feel all that bad! We should do this more often!

Wait. Was that a text?

Oh! It’s an Instagram notification!

AT LONG LAST, WE HAVE A FOLLOWER!!! IT’S–

DipperPinesFR?

Wait. Could it be…?

IT IS!!! PINETREE IS FOLLOWING ME!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

HE THINKS HE FOLLOWED SOME NERDY WEIRDO LIKE HIM!!! HE HAS NO IDEA IT’S ACTUALLY ME!!! THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!

WAIT! HE JUST SENT ME A DM! LET’S READ IT!

“Hello! My Grunkle Ford mentioned that you two have been working together lately, and yesterday, he told me that you told him that you’re starting an Insta for cryptid hunting, and I thought that sounded really cool, so I decided to follow you! I hope you’re cool with that!”

So that’s how he found my account! Interesting…

I’ll just respond with, “Of course I am! Nice to meet you, Dipper!”

And, just like that, I’ve got another pawn for my rematch! This is gonna be fun!

Chapter Text

While we’re here, we should get another photo for Instagram! Let’s see what other creatures we can find at the lake!

***

Is that…? It is! A stomach-faced duck, right at the shore! After we get a video and a few pictures, all we have to do is chuck a rock at it and we’ve got dinner!

YES!!! I got a photo with its internal organs on display!!! Isn’t it hilarious?!

And now, to make a quick post…

Done! Murder time!!!

Crap! I missed and now it’s flying away!

Should we wait for another one to show up on its own or invest in one of those duck whistles?

Oh?! An Instagram notification already?!

Oh…

The duck post got marked as having sensitive content.

Well, I think THIS APP IS THE SENSITIVE ONE IF–

Oh, look! A like from Pinetree!

Anyway, as I was saying, WHY DOES THIS APP HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR?!?! IT WASN’T EVEN INJURED; THAT’S JUST THE WAY I FOUND IT IN THE WILD!!! THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A FREAK OF NATURE!!! WHAT’S NEXT; THEY’RE GONNA TAKE THE DUCK TO 20 10 - 6 21 3 11 9 14 7 - 5 3 11 12 5 2 21 18 7 A FACE DOCTOR AND TRY TO SEW ITS MOUTH SHUT SO NOBODY HAS TO SEE ITS INSIDES ANYMORE?! WELL, I–

A comment from Pinetree?!

It says, “My sister likes to feed them crackers”.

SEE?! SHOOTING STAR DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THEM, SO WHY SHOULD INSTAGRAM?!

Stupid-ass squeamish app…

Well, at least I finally got my first comment! It’s about damn time!

Oh, look! There’s another duck! I only have one more pointy rock, so I better make this shot!

WHAT?!

HOW DID I MISS AGAIN?!

We better go collect some more rocks…

This would be so much easier if I could just set them on fire with my mind! They’d be dead and burnt to perfection within seconds!

I really miss my powers…

Chapter Text

Now that we’ve got more stones, let’s head back to the lake!

Wait… is that…

THE ENTIRE PINES FAMILY?!?!

Even Question Mark tagged along!!!

And why aren’t Sixer and his braindead twin fighting anymore?! They couldn’t have made up that fast!

Ugh, they’re all laughing at some dumb joke Stanley told! Makes me wanna vomit!

And now Shooting Star is all like, “oH iT wAs SuCh A gReAt IdEa To CoMe HeRe DiPpEr!” Bleh!

And Pinetree’s like– wait, did he just mention us?!

Did you hear that?! He said he got the idea from our post!

You know what? Maybe I should take this chance to get closer to the Pines…

After a little more eavesdropping, that is!

Shooting Star brought crackers for the ducks…

Sixer already has his face in a book…

Is Stanley teaching Question Mark how to fish?

They all look so happy and 18 7 - 19 6 9 7 8!!!

I’ve had enough! Time to crash their stupid family bonding time!

“Stanford! What a surprise!”

“Oh, you’re still here! Dipper saw your Instagram post and suggested a trip to the lake as a fun family outing! I didn’t see you when we arrived, so I thought you had left!”

“Nope! Still here! I just took a little walk in the woods!”

“Well, now that you’ve returned, why don’t you meet my family? Over there is my brother Stanley and his Mister Mystery successor Soos. They have a father-son bond of sorts. Heartwarming, isn’t it?”

More like disgusting.

“Yeah, very!”

“And the kids are my great-nephew Dipper and great-niece Mabel. Dipper takes after me more than his sister does, being more academically-inclined and all, but Mabel and I have some things in common too, and both kids mean the world to me. That is not an exaggeration. I almost– never mind.”

That reminds me, this weak spot of his could be exploited very easily! Maybe we shouldn’t try to break his bond with the kids after all…

“How sweet!”

“Do you have any folks of your own?”

18 - 4 18 8 19…

“Sadly, no. I went no-contact with them quite a while ago.”

“I see…”

Oh! He suddenly looks so solemn!

“For a while, I didn’t have anyone either. My parents, well… they weren’t the best… and believe it or not, Stanley and I were estranged from each other for many years… but eventually, we made up, and now, I get to be a part of this beautiful, loving family. I know first-hand how crushing that loneliness is and how much it hurts to feel unloved.  For now, hang in there, and eventually, you’ll find a group of people who love and accept you as you are.”

26 8 - 18 21…

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

“Hey, um, it’s me, Dipper! Grunkle Ford told me all about you! Am I interrupting something? Sorry if I’m...”

Right… time to ‘meet’ the family…

“...so we decided to come here, and now we’re all here and…”

This is gonna be a long afternoon…

Chapter Text

That was HORRIBLE!!! It was one wholesome family moment after another! The kids were closer than ever, Sixer and Stanley were palling around like nothing happened, Question Mark had that stupid buck-toothed grin on his face the whole time, and THEY! WOULDN’T! STOP! LAUGHING!!! It was torture, and not the fun kind!

And, to make matters worse, we didn’t even get to kill a duck for dinner! Catching that fish was so boring , and it took over an hour , and the whole time, I had to listen to this stupid family yap about how perfect their lives were! And after all that, the fish didn’t even taste that good!

At least I got to start the campfire. That and the marshmallows are the only things I enjoyed.

And now, it’s already getting dark out! We wasted, like, six whole hours! That’s a long time by human standards! The Pines better trust me a whole lot more now!

I mean, Sixer’s been eating right out of my hand, but there’s still one thing missing: It’s this certain smile. I saw it a lot today: Towards his brother, towards the kids, and even towards Question Mark! But never towards us. I mean, obviously, he’s still getting to know us, so I shouldn’t expect him to value us nearly as highly as he values his loved ones, but… I dunno…

There was a time when he would smile like that because of me, and I guess I’m just wondering what went wrong…

How was I supposed to know he’d get so upset over me wanting to take over his dimension? I mean, look at you ! You were all for my plan, and we aren’t nearly as close as Fordsy and I used to be! And I had such a grand future planned out for him… 9 18 21 - 24 22…

I offered him infinite power , but he refused it! Twice! All because he just had to be a hero and spontaneously decided that I was his villain!

You know what? This time around, he’ll make the right choice! I’ll make sure of it.

12 15 15 - 16 4 14 8 - 11 12 16 - 22 16 12 15 8 - 9 18 21 - 16 8 - 4 10 4 12 17.

Chapter Text

I guess we have to sleep soon or else we’ll be late for work again…

I really hope the social media thing takes off so we can finally quit that job!

***

“Kh oryhv brx, nlg.”

“4 15 18 11 8 9 2 - 3 12 15 1?”

“Bhdk. Kh zdv vplolqj dw brx zlwk klv hbhv.”

“12 5, - 6 17 16 - 24 - 3 24 10 6 9 22 - 17 5 6 11 4! 11 12 17 - 9 6 8 2 - 22 12 18 - 20 12 18 9 1 - 8 11 12 20!”

“L gr nqrz!”

“3 15 12 10 - 20 5 12? 22 12 18 15 - 13 24 15 2 11 17 16?”

“Bhdk! Wkhb oryhg ph!”

“17 5 2 22 - 16 10 6 9 2 1 - 17 5 24 17 - 20 24 22? 20 6 17 5 - 17 5 2 6 15 - 2 22 2 16?”

“Doo wkh wlph!”

.-..-. ..... / .---- ..--- / ..--- ----- / -....- / .---- ----- / ..--- ....- / .---- .---- / ..--- ..--- ..--.. .-..-.

“Zkdw?”

.-..-. ..... / .---- ..--- / ..--- ----- / -....- / .---- ----- / ..--- ....- / .---- .---- / ..--- ..--- / -....- / ..--- / ..--- ..--- / ..--- / .---- -.... ..--.. .-..-.

“Xk...”

.-..-. ..--- ----- / ..--- ....- / -.... / .---- --... --..-- / -....- / ..--- ..--- / .---- ..--- / .---- ---.. / -....- / .---- / .---- ..--- / .---- .---- / .---- --... / -....- / .---- ..... / ..--- / .---- ----- / ..--- / .---- ----- / ..--- ..... / ..--- / .---- ..... ..--.. -.-.-- .-..-.

201C 31 32 20 2D 20 37 20 31 38 20 2D 20 32 31 20 38 20 31 36 20 38 20 31 36 20 35 20 38 20 32 31 21 20 31 33 20 32 34 20 32 32 20 32 33 20 2D 20 31 30 20 31 32 20 32 35 20 38 20 2D 20 31 36 20 38 20 2D 20 34 20 2D 20 31 36 20 31 38 20 31 36 20 38 20 31 37 20 32 33 21 201D

.-..-. ..--- ..--- / .---- ..--- / .---- ---.. / -....- / .---- / .---- ..--- / .---- .---- / .-..-. / .---- --... / -....- / .---- ..... / ..--- / .---- ----- / ..--- / .---- ----- / ..--- ..... / ..--- / .---- ..... / -....- / ..--- ..--- / .---- ..--- / .---- ---.. / .---- ..... / -....- / .---- ..--- / ..--- ----- / .---- .---- / -....- / .---- ...-- / ..--- ....- / .---- ..... / ..--- / .---- .---- / .---- --... / .---- -.... -.-.-- .-..-.

201C 31 30 20 31 32 20 32 35 20 38 20 2D 20 31 36 20 38 20 2D 20 34 20 2D 20 31 36 20 31 38 20 31 36 20 38 20 31 37 20 32 33 21 21 21 201D

“Lhxv, lhxv...”

“Wkhlu hbhv zhuh... zdup...”

..--- ----- .---- -.-. / ...-- ..--- / ...-- ----- / ..--- ----- / ...-- ..... / ..--- ----- / ...-- ..--- / ..--- ----- / ...-- .---- / ...-- .---- / ..--- ----- / ..--- -.. / ..--- ----- / ...-- ..--- / ...-- ..--- / ..--- ----- / ...-- .---- / ...-- ..--- / ..--- ----- / ...-- .---- / ...-- ---.. / ..--- ----- / ..--- -.. / ..--- ----- / ...-- .---- / ...-- -.... / ..--- ----- / ...-- ..--- / ..--- ----- / ...-- .---- / ...-- --... / ..--- ----- / ..--- -.. / ..--- ----- / ...-- .---- / ...-- --... / ..--- ----- / ...-- ..... / ..--- ----- / ...-- ..--- / ..--- ----- / ...-- .---- / ...-- ----- / ..--- ----- / ..--- -.. / ..--- ----- / ...-- .---- / ...-- ..--- / ..--- ----- / ...-- .---- / ...-- .---- / ..--- ----- / ..--- -.. / ..--- ----- / ...-- ...-- / ..--- ----- / ...-- -.... / ..--- ----- / ...-- .---- / ...-- ..... / ..--- ----- / ...-- ..--- / ..--- ----- / ...-- ..-. / ..--- ----- .---- -..

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***

Just so you know, if I’m in a bad mood, it’s because we have to go back to work in a few hours. Anyway, let’s have breakfast!

***

Memories are a curious thing. They’re what form your identity and influence your feelings about everything and everyone around you, but when I’m at full power, all it takes is one little deal to gain entry and then I can alter or even completely remove memories in an instant! In fact, I deleted a couple of yours, but I think Ax gave them back somehow.

As I was saying, I find it fascinating how I can completely change someone’s identity just by snipping away some memories! Like, say, hypothetically, there was an orphan whose most cherished memories were of his parents’ love for him, and I just went, whoopsie! You can’t remember your parents anymore! What would happen to that kid? If his core memories were to suddenly disappear, I might as well have killed him! Hilarious, right? RIGHT?!

THE ORPHAN IS DEAD!!! WHY AREN’T YOU LAUGHING?!?!

I hate work! It’s making me cranky already!

Chapter Text

I’m sooo bored! What time is it? 

Only 1:00?!

Y’know, I took a quick peek into the future forecast before our shift started. There’s a slight chance of some drama going down between two customers at around this time, but more likely than not, it’ll just be another boring day of washing dishes and–

Wait, was that a scream?! I stand corrected! Let’s go see what’s going on!

***

Well, well, well! Those two ladies look like they’re about to throw hands!

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!!”

“YOU SAID YOU WERE OVER HIM!!!”

“BUT HE’S MY EX !!! HOW COULD YOU–”

“HOW COULD YOU MAKE OUT WITH MY BROTHER ?!”

OOO!!! TEA TIME!!!

“I ALREADY TOLD YOU!!! WE WERE DRUNK, AND ONE THING LED–”

“EWWW!!! STOP!!!”

“ YOU BROUGHT IT UP!!!”

“ONLY BECAUSE YOU’RE BEING A HYPOCRITE!!!”

“WELL, AT LEAST I TOLD YOU THE VERY NEXT MORNING!!! I DIDN’T FIND OUT ABOUT THIS UNTIL I SAW IT ON YOUR STORY !!!”

“I WAS GOING TO–”

“I CAN’T EVEN LOOK YOU IN THE EYES RIGHT NOW!!!”

Eyes…

Eyes…

Eyes…

I’ve seen all sorts of eyes…

Some round, some with sharp edges…

Some as small as one of your neurons, some as big as this entire planet…

They come in every single color, including those your pathetic human eyes can’t see…

And I’ve felt all sorts of eyes…

Some smooth, some rough…

Some warm, some cold…

Some fuzzy, some sharp…

Some fluctuate between extremes…

ROQK YODKX’Y…

I’ve encountered so many eyes…

And, I guess, although I’ve forgotten what certain ones looked like…

I’ll never forget the way they felt …

And, maybe, what I felt is far more valuable than what I saw…

At least, I hope so…

Something to think about, I guess…

“...AND YOU’RE PAYING FOR OUR MEALS, AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DISNEYLAND WITH ME AND MY COUSINS THIS WEEKEND!!!”

“WHY DO YOU BLOW UP OVER EVERY LITTLE THING?! THIS IS WHY EVERY GUY YOU TRY TO DATE GOES RUNNING WITHIN A FEW WEEKS!!! THE ONLY REASON I’VE PUT UP WITH YOU FOR SO LONG IS BECAUSE I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU!!!”

Oh, right! That! Lemme go make some popcorn real quick!

***

Wow! It’s been almost fifteen minutes and they’re still going at it! I could watch this all day! Aren’t intense arguments hilarious?! I hope one of them throws a punch soon, or better yet, puts one of those utensils to good use! Of course, they’d probably be kicked out if any blood spilled, but–

Come to think of it, I wonder why they haven’t already been kicked out! They’ve drawn quite the crowd, and surely Suzie’s upset that everyone’s gulping up this piping hot tea instead of her rootbeer floats!

And why hasn’t Suzie sent us back to the kitchen? We haven’t so much as touched a dish since the fight started!

Wait. Where is Suzie?

Hmmm…

WELL, WELL, WELL!

Will you look at that?! Just like the rest of us, she’s enjoying the show!

Chapter Text

Annnd that should be enough leftovers for dinner, breakfast, and lunch!

Wait! We need to restock our supply of ketchup packets! Where were they again?

Nope… nope… why is this drawer full of crayons?

You know what? Doesn’t matter! I’m taking a few!

***

Remember how I grabbed some crayons from Greasy’s? Well, I was thinking I could try drawing something with them! I’m just not sure what…

Ooo, I have an idea! Where did we put Ax’s drawing? I’m gonna deface it!

It was in this drawer, right? Yeah, there it– is?

IS HE MOCKING ME?! OH, I WILL GET CREATIVE, FRILLS! JUST YOU–

WHAT?!

NOW , HIS DRAWING IS GONE?!

I MEAN, IT’S ABOUT TIME, BUT WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH THIS BLANK PAGE?!

What colors do I have again? Red, blue, yellow, black. Why did I only take four?! Whatever! I can make this work! After all, I only need half of those colors to draw myself!

***

Behold, my masterpiece! It’s me, just how I’m supposed to be: Not trapped in the Theraprism nor trapped in a meatsack! Now, should I add a background? For some reason, I have this really strong urge to draw eyes all around me. Maybe because they’re my motif?

Okay… here goes…

Eyes…

Eyes…

Eyes…

01010101 01010110 01010110 01001111

***

Crap! Why do I always black out whenever I try to draw?! What did I end up drawing? Triangles again?

Of course, I wanna see! Show me the–

WHAT?! WHY THE FUCK DID I DRAW THAT?!

That’s gotta be the worst drawing I’ve ever made!!! Get it out of my sight!!! Into the drawer, right now!!! It’s already making me feel sick!!!!

Phew! I hope I never have to see that thing again!

Say, you know what makes this whole situation even worse?! Before I blacked out, it was a masterpiece! Why didn’t I quit while I was ahead?!

I wish I could’ve defaced The Axolotl’s self-portrait instead of my own…

Chapter Text

I don’t wanna sleep tonight! Let’s go for a walk in the woods! No– let’s take that hike Sixer mentioned! Anything to get as far away from here as possible!

***

Getting up that cliff shouldn’t be too hard! All we gotta do is follow this trail for the next hour or two! We’ll be there in no time!

***

Isn’t this great?! We’re out in the wilderness, where there’s no boring job, no stupid fleshbags, and no FUCKING CRAYONS!!!

The exhaustion is delightful! The leg pain is hilarious! Everything is fantastic !

***

Why do I feel so dizzy? It must be some feeble human need…

Oh crap! Water! I forgot humans need to drink, like, once an hour while exercising! All we brought was our phone! Maybe there’s a river around here somewhere? I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go a little off the trail…

***

I don’t see any water around here. Well, I’m sure we can push through it! Let’s get back on the trail!

***

WHERE THE FUCK DID THE TRAIL GO?!?!?!

***

Shit. I think we’re lost. And the dizziness keeps getting worse. Let’s lie down for a bit. It’ll pass. It has to.

***

Not only am I still dizzy, but I don’t know how much longer I can stay awake…

Is this how it all ends?

No! I won’t give up that easily!

Do we have signal?

Yes!!! A single bar!!!

Now, I am absolutely disgusted and humiliated by what I’m about to do, but it could be the only way we make it out of these woods alive…

I’m gonna text Sixer for help.

“cliff hike gone wrong lost about halfway up dehydrated exhausted dying help please”

Alright, I sent it.

Who am I kidding?! He’s probably asleep right now! We’re gonna die out here, and then I’ll have to go back to prison!

I can see the night sky through the trees…

It feels like the stars are mocking me…

2 12 6 9 - 11 26 9 22 13 7 8 - 15 12 5 22 23 - 2 12 6 - 14 12 9 22 - 7 19 26 13 - 26 13 2 7 19 18 13 20!

I KNOW!!! SHUT UP!!!

Fucking stars…