Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Today is August 12. His 15th birthday.

He is vaguely aware of it, sure, but he can't bring himself to care. It was never really something special. He can somehow remember that Griffin used to celebrate it, but those memories are unclear. And it's not like anything good ever happens...

But today, something does happen, in a way that isn’t related to him at all.

"Where have you been?" asks Ana. The blonde only looks at her without saying a word. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Here’s the money," he says, handing her an envelope with a bit less than the usual amount.

"This isn’t enough. What did you do with the rest?"

"I need it." And he was going to put it to good use, but she didn’t need to know that.

"As if. What are you going to do with it? You’re just a parasite. I don’t even know why I bother asking you anymore..." she says, sighing before turning away. "Make sure to get the rest. Brenton needs it because, unlike you, Aslan, he’s going to school."

Aslan? Why does she keep calling me that?

He watches her disappear, but if he’s honest, he doesn’t want to go back to the room he shares with Brenton. The asshole thinks he’s superior just because he goes to that cheap imitation of a prison called school. He’s not going back to learn what he already knows with idiots who expect him to do their work for them. So Ana can complain all she wants, but he needs the money because...

Because Eiji is going to be one town over tomorrow, and he wants to see him. Ever since Eiji left, he’s been watching every time he comes back once a year during vacations. He doesn’t need gifts, hugs, or any of the stupid bullshit other teens his age get. Seeing him from a distance is enough.

And he knows how to get what he wants, even if he hates it. He’s used to it; he’s good at it. So he doesn’t bother going back inside the house and instead heads out again. It’s cold, and he’s wearing a cheap jacket, just enough to shield him from the chilly night.

He doesn’t want to get distracted again, so he has to hurry. Sometimes he ends up in places and doesn’t remember how he got there, and often it feels like he’s done things he can’t recall. Like that one time he appeared on the sidewalk out of nowhere and started hyperventilating for no reason he could remember. He hates being so out of it.

"Back again?" asks the bartender as the blonde enters the bar.

"I can pick up another client," he answers, sitting down. "I’m short on money."

"Bad timing, blondie," says the man, gesturing toward the empty spots. "Emma’s already on it."

"No shit?"

"No shit."

He turns to look at the girl. She’s talking to someone, though there aren’t many people there that night. Ash knows the tricks she uses because he does the same. He pretends to be older or younger by styling his hair a certain way, wearing certain clothes, but he knows the truth. Emma isn’t older than him; if anything, she might even be younger.

That doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter in their world. And yet...

She doesn’t look like she’s working.

She glances at him from her spot, as if asking for help. The blonde makes a subtle gesture with his hand, and she nods in response. He steps in and sits beside her, next to the man she was talking to. The man looks about 35 or so.

"Emma, someone needs your help in the restroom. Don’t worry, I’ll stay here and keep our guest company," he says. She practically bolts, and he would laugh to himself if he didn’t have a new problem to focus on. He can’t blame her; she’s still new at this.

"I hope you don’t mind that it’s me," says the blonde once he’s alone with the client.

The thing is, he knows everyone like this man is the same. It just depends on whether they prefer to sleep with a woman or a man.

"Not at all. I think you’re..." The man gives him a look that the green-eyed boy knows all too well. It’s something dirty, something he’d rather not think about in moments like these. "Way better than her, actually. But you seem pretty confident about what you do."

"Tell me, what brings someone like you to a place like this?" he asks, leaning slightly toward the man, who seems pleased by the closeness. He feels a hand on his waist, and it’s gross. It makes him want to puke, but he chokes it down.

"My wife is boring. She doesn’t please me like she used to, and I’m here on vacation to have some fun. That’s why I’m trying new things, if you know what I mean. Say, don’t you want to go somewhere we can be alone?" The man smirks, and he knows what’s coming next.

"You haven’t even told me your name or bought me a drink," he says, though he’s so tired. He didn’t want to do this anymore, at least not today... Not when he’s seeing Eiji tomorrow.

"Oh, right. Excuse my manners. My name’s Evanstine. What do you want to drink?"

"Anything’s fine," he replies. Not like he cares. At least he knows the bartender well enough to be sure the drink won’t be spiked. He ended up drugged and in a place he didn’t recognize the first time, and it wasn’t exactly a pleasant experience.

So he drinks what Evanstine gets him. It tastes bittersweet, leaving a gross flavor in his mouth. He doesn’t finish it; he doesn’t want to be drunk for tomorrow. Even if it means...

That he has to be completely conscious through all of it.

In the end, they do what they’re supposed to after the man takes him somewhere not too far away, probably the place he’s staying. It isn’t all that bad, even if he hates every single second of it. Evanstine falls asleep afterward, but he can’t do the same. It’s been a rough day. He wants to take a long shower, but he doesn’t want to go back to Ana’s place either to explain why he looks or feels like this. Everyone knows what he does anyway, so maybe there’s no use trying to hide anything, but he’s feeling dirtier than usual today.

It’s foolish. He shouldn’t feel anything about it anymore, but somehow, tonight, he feels worse than other days. His body is cold, and being naked isn’t helping. He stays like that for hours until the sun comes up, trembling in the bed.

When he’s about to leave, he makes noise—or so he believes—because the man stirs and sits up to watch him as he puts his clothes back on.

"You’re leaving?" the man asks, his voice sweet in a way that makes the boy feel gross.

"Yes, I have some things to do," he replies. There’s nothing else to say. Evanstine has already paid, and he doesn’t really want more money right now if having sex with him again is the price.

He’s ready to leave, but the man keeps insisting on making conversation. He tries not to flinch at his touch, even though he’s dressed again. "Will I see you again?"

"I’m usually at the bar if you want to."

"No, I mean something else. I can invite you somewhere if you’d like. I make good money, and I’m a respected lecturer. You won’t regret it." The blonde looks at him. He really wants to say this is the first time something like this has happened, but it would be a lie. That’s the worst part about all of them—a quick fuck, and they confuse it with some stupid romance.

"Sure. See you later, Evanstine," he says, trying to forget the disturbing experience for a while. Hopefully, it means the man will become a regular, and he’ll have more money. He hurries to catch the bus. It’ll be there in about an hour, but that’s okay. As far as he knows, Eiji always stays for about two weeks to a month before returning to wherever he lives. He’s been doing this for years now. During all that time, it’s helped him endure everything because... because seeing Eiji stay the same through the years means there are still good things, good people out there.

And if he can cling to those moments of happiness, even if it’s from a distance, a little longer, he’ll be fine. He can make it to the next year.

He gets off the bus and waits somewhere near the cabin where the Okumura family is staying, waiting for the black-haired boy to come out. Eiji almost always goes outside every day when he visits, but he’s taking a little longer today, so Ash starts to worry.

What if they finally got tired of visiting? What if something happened to him?

He doesn’t have to wonder for much longer, as Eiji steps out of the cabin with a dog, wearing sports clothes and smiling. That smile makes it worth waiting for a whole year full of shit. His attention then shifts to the pet—it’s new, and he’s never seen it before.

"Mom! I’m taking Buddy for a walk!" Eiji calls out, walking around the area.

"Okay! Be careful!" his mom shouts back, and the blonde watches it all from a distance.

"Whoa, slow down!" As the black-haired boy runs with the dog, Ash pretends to be just another person in the crowd, but he has a hunch where Eiji might be heading.

The black-haired boy stops in a grassy field, one of those rare spots in this town. Ash looks up at the sky as the Japanese boy sits in the grass, playing with the dog for a while.

The sun is beautiful... I knew he’d come to a place like this today. He wouldn’t want to miss a chance to see this beautiful view.

"Buddy?" Eiji asks, and the blonde hides somewhere the dog can’t notice him. "Where did you find that?" The animal gets closer to him with a frisbee, making the Japanese boy laugh. "No, you can’t play with this! It’s not ours! Let’s put it in the lost-and-found later."

I got anxious when he cut his hair last year, but I guess he’s still the same person. I hope he stays that way forever. I’ve been observing him for a really long time, and seeing him do his daily activities puts me at ease.

"Okay, time to go," Eiji finally says, but Ash doesn’t really want to stop watching him from afar yet. He’s going to come back tomorrow, yes, but... if he goes back to Ana’s place, he’s going to feel alone again.

I’ve tried to greet him a few times so I could get close to him, but my anxiety won’t let me. It’s okay... Even watching him from afar is okay.

As the black-haired boy walks back to the cabin, the dog notices something and starts barking. Ash wonders what it is because it can’t be him—he’s not that close to them.

Another thing I’ve noticed about Eiji is that he’s kind to everyone, but not everyone is kind to him. Like that time everyone ignored him because he couldn’t speak without an accent, or when that girl confessed to him and he rejected her, then she spread a rumor around town. Luckily, he wasn’t here to know about it. Why!? He didn’t even bother anyone! Why are these people obsessed with making his life miserable!? Why can’t they let us live in peace!?

"Buddy? What’s up?" Eiji kneels and pats the dog’s head. "What’s wrong? You don’t usually act up..." It seems to calm the dog down, and they keep walking without noticing anything unusual. "There’s no one there. Let’s go!"

However, Ash does notice why the animal acted that way. He sees a person hiding from Eiji as he walks, and he recognizes them—it’s the same man who tried to harass Eiji’s mother last year before the black-haired boy was able to defend her and get her home safely.

Isn’t he called Roger or something? It happened in public, so many people were really mad at him. I remember him walking away, dissatisfied. Is he here for revenge? I won’t allow that...

While the Japanese boy walks away, unaware of everything happening without his knowledge, Ash gets closer to the man, who’s about to throw a stone in the dog’s direction. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do, but when he’s there, it’s easier than he thought to subdue the man to the ground and immobilize him.

"Ow, ow, ow! It hurts! Who the hell are you!? Let go of me! I can’t move!" The man struggles, his face pressed against the hard surface as Ash keeps him pinned with one leg pressing hard on his back.

Now I understand why Carter used to hold me in this position. It was so I couldn’t move. Using my weight as a base, even if I’m up against someone bigger than me... I can immobilize him like this!

"You fucker!" The man’s free hand reaches for a rock, which he throws at Ash’s face, forcing him to let go of the hold. "Huh!? So you’re a kid!? I’ll—" He’s cut off as Ash kicks him in the face before running away. "You damn bitch! Come back!"

I almost got caught! I hope he didn’t see my face!

He breathes in unsteady, heavy intervals once he reaches a secluded place where he can calm down. His hands are trembling, and so is his body, but he doesn’t regret it. However, he realizes he has to go back already if he doesn’t want more questions asked of him.

I didn’t think this through. Without a weapon, there’s no way I’d be able to take out someone bigger than me.

He begins to analyze it all as he’s on the bus back to Ana’s place.

That’s right... Why didn’t I think of this earlier?

A flashback of the day he killed Carter appears in his mind. Right, there’s no use denying what he is, after all. And Ana has a kitchen knife.

Something sharp should suffice, right? I’ll teach him a lesson...

But that was the worst part of his fifteenth birthday. Eiji stopped visiting that year.

During the last few years, Aslan has been feeling empty. It’s as if there’s a big hole in his heart that can’t be filled with anything. And ever since he left Ana’s place once he turned eighteen to live on his own, the sensation has become worse.

Sure, the woman didn’t exactly love him, and Brenton barely talked to him because he despised having to share a room with him, but the sound of Ana cooking or Brenton talking with his friends as background noise still used to calm his mind.

They didn’t want him living there anymore—that’s for sure. Brenton got his girlfriend pregnant, and "they’re going to need privacy now" was what Ana said before telling him they had already made a contract to rent a place far away in the city for him to live in.

He didn’t really have much to worry about during the first month. Still, he was nervous because getting a job without a school degree was hard, but at least now he had a phone that they gifted him before leaving him all by himself. Only one month before he had to pay rent again, with a job or not.

And he had never done this before. His hands were sweating from nervousness as he entered a restaurant that was supposed to be hiring people.

"Welcome!" said the cashier.

He’s talking to me!

When the blonde got closer to the cashier, he had a really weird sensation of déjà vu, as if he already knew this person. It felt familiar in an odd but nice way at the same time. He looked at the name badge with the employee’s name—it said 'Eiji Okumura.'

"May I take your order?" Eiji asked. The blonde wasn’t actually going to buy anything; he was going to ask if they were hiring. But...

"Ah... yes!" This man was convincing him otherwise.

Hold on a sec, he doesn’t know who I am, right? It’s been years since he stopped visiting, and from the last time I saw him in Cape Cod... If he recognizes me, I don’t know what I should do.

Wait, why would I know him? Why would he know me? That doesn’t make any sense...

"Are you okay? You’re sweating a lot," the cashier asked. The blonde looked at him, and the familiar warm feeling remained as Eiji smiled at him.

"Ah—it’s because it’s quite hot today..."

What am I saying!? I didn’t come here for this!

"Then would you like something cold to freshen up?"

"I... guess? Let me see the menu first," he said, but he knew he shouldn’t be feeling like this.

Latte? Café au lait? Cappuccino? What’s all this foreign language?

"I’m sorry for asking this, but... are you having trouble placing your order?" Eiji asked, leaning closer. The blonde flinched at the sudden closeness, his heart beating fast.

He’s too close!

"Y—yes, it’s my first time entering a place like this, so..."

"Is that so? Don’t worry, I understand! I had trouble too when I first learned the names," Eiji said, placing a hand on the list of drinks.

He’s... smiling for me.

This is comforting for some reason.

"I’ll just explain it briefly. Latte is a type of coffee made with espresso and milk, and espresso is—" Eiji kept talking, but the blonde wasn’t really hearing it anymore. He couldn’t concentrate at all, as his mind was filled with weird thoughts and broken pieces of whispers.

This is the first time we’ve ever talked this close. His breath has a hint of fresh mint. I can smell his cologne too.

Why am I thinking like this right now? Maybe I know him from before? But I don’t think so...

"Oh, and if you want, I can customize a drink for you," Eiji finished, looking at him with curiosity.

"Customize?"

"Just tell me your preferences, and I’ll make a drink for you."

He couldn’t really remember what he said next because he wasn’t paying attention. His heart was beating fast the whole time, his hands were sweating, and his face was red. When he was conscious again, he was out of the place, holding a coffee with 'Aslan' written on it.

Hearing his voice this close was really nice. Ah... How I wish he could be mine. Maybe we’re really meant to be together if I found him here after all that time.

I’ll make sure to come back and ask for the job next time...

It didn’t matter if his head was a mess in those moments. He wanted to see that cute guy again.

This was all weird. Ash barely recalls getting this job. The memory is blurry in his head, and it feels like something he should have known but didn’t. He appeared in the place without knowing how. It has happened before in different ways, and it still makes him scared and worried since there’s no way he can be that distracted. And yet, it keeps happening over and over.

"Hey, are you okay?" Ah, that’s the best part of it. Eiji, who he always wanted to talk to deep down for years and then disappeared, happens to be just in front of him when he’s about to panic again. "Are you nervous?"

"What?"

"I get it. I felt just like you when I started working. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it."

"I—" But it was too much. He liked him way too much, and having him talk like that so casually made his brain go somewhere else. "I don’t know what I’m doing," he said. It felt so true that he couldn’t even pinpoint where that sensation of discomfort came from. Yes, he was working here. He had the sensation he had interacted with Eiji to get hired for this job, but when did it happen?

"Do you need help? I used to attend to clients before too."

"I’m not talking about the job. I feel—" He paused, wondering what he was even saying. "I don’t know why I’m here..." He couldn’t understand why he was opening up right now. He had decided that he would never talk to Eiji before, for the sake of keeping clean the nonexistent and one-sided bond they had.

"Oh, Aslan—"

"Don’t call me that! My name is Ash!" Eiji stared at him, surprised at the reaction. "I hate that name..." Carter used to call him that way while they were "playing," and Ana called him that too. He hated it.

"It’s okay. I’m sorry. I never asked you how you wanted me to call you."

Shit, no, I didn’t mean to make him sad!

"No, I— I’m sorry. I should have said it before..."

"No problem! Really, I think Ash is a cool name," Eiji said, blushing slightly. "And I want to get along well with you. So if anything bothers you, please tell me."

"Eiji..." He was embarrassed about asking this because how could he not remember something so basic? He had a while working here already.

"Yes?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

"Why do you call me Ash?"

Eiji gave him a look, confused again. "Because you said you wanted me to call you that way."

"I did?"

"Yes, I believed it was important to you or that you were angry about it..." He didn’t want to make things even more complicated than they already were. "Why are you asking, though?"

"Nothing, I just... Forget it. You can keep calling me that way; it doesn’t bother me." Eiji sighed, as if relieved, but then smiled mischievously.

"Ash, Ash, Ash—"

"Shut up!" He blushed, placing a hand over Eiji’s mouth. "We have clients; be quiet!" he told him, trying to keep his own voice low, but the black-haired boy only laughed at him once he pulled his hand away.

"Fine, but now you should go back to attending to them, don’t you think?" The black-haired boy pointed toward the new customers. The blonde looked at him again, surprised he hadn’t even noticed them enter the restaurant.

"Stop distracting me..." he murmured, but Eiji smiled in response.

"Oh, I’m distracting you?" asked the Japanese boy, and the flirty intentions didn’t go unnoticed by the green-eyed one.

"Yes, you are. So I’m leaving." He finally pulled away; he had a job to do.

And for the first time in years, it felt as if the hole in his heart was filling with something. He still didn’t know what it was.

Ash was starting to realize that he was beginning to like his current life. And that was really strange because, ever since Griffin left, he hadn’t been able to tell whether he was actually enjoying things or just doing what he needed to do to keep himself alive or to avoid being kicked out of whatever place he was staying in.

He didn’t like killing, no matter what all the neighbors said about him. He hadn’t enjoyed killing Carter, even if he couldn’t feel anything about it. That was one thing. Now, if he regretted hurting or making assholes pay—people who ruined other people’s lives and never got what they deserved when it came to paying for their crimes—that was something completely different.

And Dino Golzine was one of those people he wouldn’t regret killing or hurting if it came to it.

“What are you doing here?” Ash asked.

“Did you forget about me, sweetheart?” Dino replied.

“I don’t owe you anything. You shouldn’t be here.”

“You disappeared one day without telling anyone, darling. I just wanted to check if you were okay. I’ve been taking care of you for years, after all.”

“Fuck off. I never had a contract. It was just work, a job I don’t want to do anymore,” Ash said, and he hadn’t noticed how painfully true it felt. This—whatever it was—was starting to feel good. He was finally talking with Eiji and earning money of his own without having to sleep with anybody.

“Are you sure you have no reasons to come back?” Dino smiled, giving Ash a feeling that something was off. “There was someone asking for you desperately, someone you might know really well…”

“What?”

“He’s looking for you because of all the rumors about you around town.” Was it possible? Ana probably knew what he was doing all along to get money, but she never cared enough to say anything or complain about it. He didn’t believe she would be looking for him unless she needed something, and if she wanted, she could easily contact him herself—the same went for Brenton or Ana’s husband. “He said you’re his brother.”

“My brother?”

No fucking way! He must be joking!

“That can’t be true. My brother disappeared.”

“Well, when he asked about you, he seemed pretty much alive,” Dino said, grabbing Ash’s face slightly and without much strength, almost as if he were caressing him. It made Ash feel repulsed, gross. “Won’t you go see him? You’re such a bad brother…”

“Shut up!” Ash slapped away Dino’s hand, way too hard.

It can’t be true!

“God damn whore, do you think you can hit me!?” Dino shouted.

And everything went from bad to worse after that. The next thing Ash knew, they were fighting, and Eiji was screaming something as he tried to stop him.

“Ash! Ash, stop! You’re going to kill him!” Eiji screamed, and it made Ash react. He was breathing fast, his heart racing. Right, Eiji should have never seen him like that. But now he had, and Griffin—

Ash ran to the bathroom, unable to resist the urge to vomit until he could taste the bile bitter in his mouth. He felt gross. He already knew he was, but he had never wanted Eiji to see him like that. Even if it was a lie, it was one he wanted to keep as long as he could.

He had expected Eiji to be angry at him, to accuse him of causing problems or failing to attend to a client. It wouldn’t be the first time someone got angry at him because he didn’t attend to a client “the right way,” but he didn’t want to face it coming from Eiji.

Instead, that reaction never came. Why? He didn’t want pity either. He wanted to scream, or for Eiji to say something to him. To throw things or punish him. Anything.

But nothing happened. The Japanese boy looked at him with a compassion he was never used to receiving, and that only made him cry more.

Neither of them said a word. Eiji gave him a bottle of water after guiding him to a table and making him sit, but Ash didn’t even open it. He felt Eiji tangling their hands together, and his mind started spiraling again.

I can’t do this… He shouldn’t be here with me. I shouldn’t be here.

But he couldn’t continue with his intrusive thoughts. Everything faded after that.

So this isn’t exactly an uncomfortable situation for Aslan, but it’s weird. He doesn’t even know how he got here, but Eiji is holding his hand and is close to him, and well… he feels strange things when the other is around.

“Why are we here? Why are we holding hands?” he asks, not because he dislikes it but rather because he doesn’t remember getting here at all, and it’s confusing.

“I—I don’t know. I thought it would make you feel better.” It’s not that he’s complaining; he didn’t really want to let go of the hand.

“Made me feel better?”

“You looked bad back there, you know? I thought you needed help with whatever was happening to you, so I wanted you to know that I’m here if you want to talk or if something is going on.” And with those words, he begins to understand. Maybe he panicked again. It makes sense—it isn’t the first time it’s happened, and he’s usually confused afterward.

“Ah… yeah, probably. I just remembered someone from my past hurting me as a kid. That’s probably it.”

“Hurting you?”

“I don’t remember much of anything about it, that’s why I’m confused. I’m sorry about it.”

“It’s okay. I know when someone is hurting. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” He couldn’t understand why Eiji was looking at him like this. It made him feel good, though—no one had ever looked at him like that before. “Hey, I have Uno cards with me if you want to play. But don’t ask me why I have them.”

“You’re really asking me to play that with you at your age?” And he liked it. He liked knowing that someone cared about him like this.

“I’m not that old! I’m only older than you by two years!” He liked seeing Eiji pout when he was angry.

“What if the supervisor comes and says something about it? You don’t seem the type to break the rules.”

“I don’t think he will; he never comes anyway.”

He liked Eiji. There was no use trying to deny it anymore.

“You’ll get wet, come in, you fool,” Ash said, pulling Eiji inside by grabbing his hand.

“Ah—okay,” answered the black-haired boy, his cheeks blushing in the cutest way Ash had ever seen.

They had been dating for three months already. It seemed like a lie when Eiji confessed first, but how could Ash ever say no? He would never have been able to confess his love by himself. Eiji didn’t know how much it meant, how many years Ash had wished for this, back when he believed he would never see Eiji again once he stopped going to Cape Cod. He had tried to find out where Eiji went but never could, and he didn’t have the courage to get close to him even if he had.

Back to reality, it had been a few hours of just observing each other from afar while doing their chores. It was difficult to concentrate sometimes when they were around each other. Ash wondered if Eiji felt the same, since he always looked so calm on the outside.

“What are you doing?” Ash asked once he finally had a moment to rest.

“Nothing, I was just thinking that I’m already going home.”

“But it’s still early…” Ash said, because he wanted to see Eiji a little longer.

“I need to finish my part of an assignment for tomorrow; I didn’t know I had to do it because they just called me a while ago.” Sometimes Ash forgot that Eiji didn’t only exist when they were together. Eiji had a life outside of this—he was normal… and he was all the things Ash couldn’t be.

“Do you want me to help you?” Ash offered instead, because even if it was just a little, he wanted to be there for Eiji.

“No, I’ll be fine.” And maybe Eiji would never understand how important this was for Ash, or the reasons why.

“Okay then, call me if you need help with your homework.” The truth was, Ash didn’t know how to live by himself. He didn’t know how to feel about this dependency toward Eiji, because he hated it as much as he loved it.

He watched as the black-haired boy changed into his normal clothes and prepared to leave. But it was raining, and Eiji was going to catch a cold being this careless.

“Do you have an umbrella?” Ash asked, physically stopping Eiji from walking further. “I’m not letting you walk by yourself in the rain at night; I’m going with you.”

“It’s okay, I’ll be fine.”

“No way, wait for me.”

When Ash changed his clothes and came back, Eiji stared at him. Ash wondered why, but then he remembered that even though he was used to seeing Eiji in normal clothes, Eiji wasn’t used to seeing him that way. They still hadn’t been in this situation without it being one-sided or only from Ash’s perspective before.

As they walked, they somehow ended up holding hands and looking at each other. It felt like a dream, one too good to be true. Eiji touched Ash’s hair, and Ash couldn’t stop looking at Eiji’s lips. He wanted to kiss him, but he wouldn’t, so he turned his face to the side.

“What are you doing?” Ash asked.

“I like your hair; it’s so soft. And it’s beautiful, like a field of golden wheat.” Ash tried to speak, but couldn’t find the words. And Eiji, the bastard, laughed at him. He knew what he was doing.

“I think I can walk by myself from here now that it isn’t raining. Thanks for coming with me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, see you later.”

But something felt off. Ash tried to fool himself into believing it was nothing and started to walk away. It didn’t work. He loved Eiji too much to let it go.

But what was it?

Delicacy be damned—Eiji could ask him why he was following later. Ash hurried his steps until he reached Eiji, and his instincts had been right. Someone was attacking him. But before Ash could step in to do anything about it, Eiji managed to get away.

Now, who was this person? What were they looking for? If this was just a random attacker, it was unfortunate, but they would probably try again. It didn’t take much for Ash to immobilize the person and pin them to the floor. This always worked with cowards—too much pride and bravado to attack someone but not enough to handle being attacked back.

“Please stop! Is it money?! I’ll give it to you, just spare me!”

“This is a warning,” Ash said, adjusting his mask, which came with his hoodie. “If you dare touch Eiji again… I will kill you.”

“You look tired,” Ash said, because he was aware Eiji wasn’t telling him about being attacked last night. He tried to ask but didn’t really know how to bring it up.

“Sorry, I have to finish this report for tomorrow. I’m probably staying here for a while longer, so I can’t talk too much with you.”

“Eiji, look at me,” Ash said, tapping his shoulder, and their knees bumped together. Then, he held Eiji’s face with his palm. He wanted him to speak up about it. “Are you okay?”

“What?”

“Since you entered the restaurant, you’ve looked like you’re sick. Tell me if something happened. You can trust me.” This was the best he could do. He was trying his best, even if Eiji might not realize it.

“Well, there was this professor… He was just weird with me, you know? He became aggressive out of nowhere, and I didn’t know what to do. That’s why I have to do the report for tomorrow; he got angry at me, and now I have to redo it.” Ash wasn’t exactly expecting that confession, but it was just as bad—or even worse—than what had happened yesterday.

“Didn’t you report him?” Ash wondered if you could report someone in college. He guessed you could, but he had never been there himself, so how could he genuinely know?

“There’s no use since he’s a respected professor. Honestly, I’m so tired that I don’t care anymore. I just want to finish my work, and luckily, I won’t see him next semester.” Okay, so when Eiji started crying out of frustration, Ash hated that asshole too.

“It’s okay, you can cry.”

Is this how you’re supposed to comfort someone?

He didn’t want to think about the possibility of Griffin being alive yet, but this was probably how Griffin would have consoled him if he were a kid again. Kind of childish, but it was the best he knew.

“No, it’s not. I don’t like showing you this side of me, the weak one.”

“You’re not being weak; it just means you trust me. I’m happy that you trust me. I’ll help you with the report. What do you have to do?”

“No way, I’m not letting you help me. Would you stay that late for me?”

“If it means I can spend the whole night with you, then I don’t mind.” Ash smiled, and Eiji blushed. It was cute, like almost everything Eiji did.

“O—Okay.”

They bought coffee at a shop nearby a few times, and Ash couldn’t help but write notes to make Eiji blush. It was funny how Eiji replied from time to time with doodles or sappy phrases back.

That said, working on Eiji’s homework was new. Ash had never had a laptop for himself until recently. Sure, he’d shared one with Brenton, but only because he needed it for homework sometimes before he dropped out of school years ago. Back then, it had felt like he couldn’t breathe. He’d rather spend his whole day on the streets than another day in that place.

“It still might need corrections; can you check?”

“It’s perfect; it might be done sooner than I expected.”

“Great. While I keep working on this, can you tell me more about this professor of yours?” Eiji rested his head against Ash’s shoulder. Ash tried not to think too much about it, but he was getting nervous because his heart was beating fast.

“Well, now that I remember, there were some rumors about him harassing some students. He kind of treated me differently and gave me more attention, but I noticed it too late.”

“If he did that to you just for knowing you this semester, he’s probably done worse to other students using his authority… That kind of rotten person is better off out of this world.” They stayed silent. Ash wondered what Eiji was thinking but didn’t ask, especially since the other seemed sleepy already. “Hey, Eiji, I have a question.”

“What is it?”

“Who is your professor?”

“Well, his name is Evanstine, and if you ask me, he seems like the villain of a movie.”

“Evanstine?”

“Yeah, Willard Evanstine. Ugly name, right?”

“Sucks-ass name,” Ash answered, and Eiji laughed a bit with him. They tangled their hands together, almost shyly. It was a feather-light contact that meant the world.

“Ash…”

“What?”

“I love you. Thank you for helping me today and for listening to me.” It made Ash feel like it was the first time someone had said it and actually meant it. He’d been told this before by many clients, Dino… or, ironically, Evanstine himself. Eiji didn’t understand the things Ash felt for him. The things he would do for him.

“Eiji, I—” It wasn’t that he was hesitating, but the feelings were too overwhelming. He wasn’t used to this; he’d never expected this. The black-haired boy looked at him again and blinked, a lazy smile forming before he laid his head on the table and fell asleep. “I love you too…” Ash murmured to himself in the end.

“Who is it?” When Evanstine saw the blonde, he couldn’t hide the surprise on his face once the door was open. “W—What are you doing here?”

“I’m hurt, you know, Evanstine? You used to say that you loved me.”

“Be quiet, my wife is here…”

“Let me in.”

“You can’t—”

“I said let me in, or I’ll scream.”

The man looked at him, and the blonde almost laughed to himself. These were Evanstine’s true colors—the ones of his kind always ended up like this. When they walked to Evanstine’s room, there was an uncomfortable silence.

“Nice room you have here,” Ash said, sitting on the bed, knowing exactly how Evanstine was looking at him. The man was clearly nervous, hiding something in the closet. During the time Ash had known him, Evanstine had confessed that he liked men more than women but forced himself to like both for the sake of his facade with society—or some bullshit like that. He practically hated his wife. That would have been fine, if you ignored the fact that Evanstine had sex with minors and people way younger than himself. “You never told me about it before…”

“What are you doing here, Ash?”

“Oh, now I can’t visit a friend?”

“Friends usually call before they visit.”

“I didn’t really have a way to call you…”

“But you left, and you didn’t tell anyone.”

“What if I said I’m here because I wanted to see you?” Ash noticed the way Evanstine was looking at him—he always did. It was lust, that dirty, gross look people usually gave him. “I’m telling you right now where I am, aren’t I? Can you invite me for a coffee?”

Ash had to act before Evanstine made a move. He knew the man would try to have sex with him at some point. So, when Evanstine was distracted, Ash slipped sleeping pills into the coffee.

Ash wasn’t planning on killing him—not really. He actually just wanted some evidence to get Evanstine suspended from his job for a week, or with good luck, a month or so—maybe even fired. But when he checked Evanstine’s phone and saw what was on it… he wanted to puke.

There were pictures—lots of them—of what Ash assumed were students in provocative positions. As he scrolled, he found not only that but also photos of teens who couldn’t have been older than sixteen, like Ash had been once. It was disgusting.

The last straw was seeing a picture of Eiji. Although it was just him sleeping in class, Ash didn’t want to think about what Evanstine had done with it. There was another one of Eiji’s legs. Why the hell would Evanstine take a picture of his legs, even if it was to report him for sleeping in class? It was similar to some pictures of girls where Evanstine had focused on their chests—there was lust in them.

Then the idea revisited his mind. Wouldn’t the world be better off if someone like Evanstine was gone? Wasn’t the way to stop what Carter was doing to kill him first? Eliminating the root of the problem usually solved it all. But—

But Ash didn’t want his hands to have more blood on them. Eiji wouldn’t be proud of it, and despite everything, Ash still wanted to deserve him.

Still, did it matter if Evanstine eventually did something to Eiji? Who would make sure the bastard didn’t get away with it? No one would do anything. There was no use waiting for God or a hero to step in. Someone had to do it. A human had to do it.

‘I love you, Ash.’ The words echoed in his head, and he wondered if Eiji would still feel the same even after this. It didn’t matter what happened in the future—things would never change for Ash. But Evanstine would never lay a finger on Eiji.

“Eiji…”

“Huh? Ash?”

“Yeah, it’s me. I think you need to go change your clothes so you can go to college.”

“Oh, right! It’s getting late!” said the black-haired boy, and Ash watched him go to change into his normal clothes. It felt wrong… to look at him with such normalcy after what Ash had done. After getting his hands dirty with another human’s blood. “Thank you so much, Ash!”

“It’s nothing; go there and submit your report. It’ll be fine.”

“Wait, would it be okay if—we go on a date after this?”

“A date?”

“Only if you want to, of course!”

“Sure, it’s something I should do as your boyfriend, right?” Because that was how normal couples were supposed to act, right? If Eiji wanted that, Ash would give it to him.

“But it’s okay if you don’t want to…”

“I want to.”

“Really?” It was even funny how someone like Eiji could believe that it was even an option to reject the opportunity to have a date with him.

“Really.”

“Then wait for me, and we’ll talk about our date then.”

“I hope so…” Ash said, touching the other’s cheek. It felt as natural as breathing in that moment, but he pulled away. It made sense that Eiji might not want to be touched by someone like him, though Ash couldn’t care in those moments, too concentrated on the sweet feeling of Eiji’s soft look to feel rejected.

“Oh, you’re already here. I thought I was early. Sorry for making you wait,” Aslan said, though he had been confused when Eiji asked about the details of a date he didn’t know about. Still, he was happy.

“No, I came earlier than what we had planned,” Eiji replied. It felt nice, but it still felt strange, like most things in his relationship with Eiji. He had tried to keep a diary, but somehow it was impossible—there was always something missing.

“You look pretty…” In the end, Aslan blamed it on his inexperience. Eiji made him really nervous just by being there.

“You too!” Eiji said it out loud, and it was unexpected because Aslan wasn’t used to being complimented so sincerely. “I mean—your clothes and that hairstyle look good on you too!” Aslan laughed and made a cheeky grin that made Eiji puff his cheeks. “You’re just making fun of me!”

“Come on, you know I’m joking,” Aslan said, then took Eiji’s hand as they started to walk through the park.

I’m so pathetic for clinging to someone who didn’t even know I existed for years, but I love him so much…

What?

“Ash, are you okay?!” Eiji asked. Aslan barely noticed that he had tripped and fallen to the floor. For a moment, he had thought it was someone talking to him, but it was a worrying feeling that he didn’t want to think about. He was on a date after work, and he wanted to feel good for a moment because… he usually didn’t. In the end, he deemed it as an intrusive thought again.

“It’s fine. I don’t know what that was. Maybe it was just déjà vu…” he said, but deep down, he didn’t really know. “No, it was nothing. Forget it. Let’s keep walking.”

Aslan had never really had so much fun before. While he lived with his aunt, they never really invited him to things like watching movies or eating things they liked together. Well… they never really got along well. So doing all those things with Eiji felt like a first time because the other actually wanted to be with him and wasn’t obligated at all.

“It’s still early. Do you want to go somewhere else?”

“I think I have an idea…” Eiji said before taking Aslan’s hand and guiding him somewhere else.

It was a long trip, so they decided to take a bus. Eiji taking the initiative in their relationship was nice—it always was. They could see the sea from there, and the memory that he could see it in Cape Cod too came to his mind, but… there was something missing.

“Where are we?” The question felt wrong. He couldn’t understand that feeling of emptiness. There was nothing to miss from Cape Cod at all. Sure, he remembered his brother vaguely somewhere in his head, but after that, he didn’t have a lot of memories from his childhood. It was as if there was a lock on them. And yet, this made him feel sad somehow.

“You’ve never been here? I heard that it was a tourist spot, but I had never come before myself.”

“I don’t remember a lot of my hometown or childhood at all, but I do have that memory that there was sea when I was a kid. It makes me… I don’t know.”

“You feel nostalgic?”

“Nostalgic? Maybe, but I don’t know why.” Was it because he spent all his life alone there? Because he never had any friends? “Since I met you for the first time, I’ve had the feeling that I knew you from a really long time before.” He leaned towards the fence, wanting to see more of the water, as if it would fix the way he was feeling.

“Yeah, me too.”

Something unusual had been happening lately. Aslan had been receiving calls from a strange number, and he ignored them, believing it was spam. But it was the same number, and it kept insisting over and over, several times.

He had a bad feeling about it, but for some reason, he hadn’t blocked the number yet. He’d been thinking about the past too much lately, and the sensation that if this person was insisting so much, they must be really interested in contacting him. He just heard the ringtone, but he silenced it before Eiji could notice and ask about it.

“Eiji, I’m going to the bathroom. Can you wait for me?”

“Oh, sure. I’ll wait right here.”

And so he walked away, not really to the bathroom, but rather to wait for the call that he knew would come sooner or later. After a couple of minutes, he received what he was waiting for, and he picked it up for the first time. It was a strange feeling.

“Aslan?” The voice on the phone was familiar somehow, comforting even if he didn’t concentrate on the sensation that this wasn’t supposed to happen. “Is it you?”

“Who is it?”

“Oh, right. You don’t remember me…” The person cleared their throat, as if they were doubting whether to continue or not. “You were so young when I left, so I guess I understand that you don’t want to see me anymore. But please just— I’m Griffin, your brother.”

“What?” He began feeling nervous, and it was getting hard to breathe. But this was something good, right? His brother was alive.

“I’ve been trying to contact you, but you wouldn’t answer. I heard horrible things about you all around town, but I just wanted to see you. I don’t believe them.”

Horrible things around town? But he barely even interacted with anyone ever since he dropped out of school. He still remembered the horrible sensation of fear every time he would try to enter the halls or even step inside. He didn’t have friends. He barely even remembered his dad or Griffin, for that matter.

“What are you talking about? Everyone living there barely even remembers me. This isn’t funny…”

“I’m not joking! Please, I know that if we see each other, you’d remember me. I— You were the reason I had the strength to come back alive. I’m sorry about what happened to you. I wasn’t there to protect you, and—”

“What do you even mean?”

“I’m sorry. I know this must be hard for you. Ugh… It’s hard for me too. But I talked with Dad, and he— he told me about the accident, what happened with the coach, and that he sent you to live with our aunt. But when I went to look for you, you weren’t there. I heard terrible things about you, but I’m sure it isn’t true because— because there’s no way what happened can be your fault.”

He wasn’t hearing anymore. His head felt dizzy, and the phone slipped through his hands to the floor. He could hear that there was still noise. The world was blurry, his heart was beating so fast that it felt like it would explode, and he couldn’t breathe.

"Ash, you were taking too much time in the bathroom, so I came to look for you. Are you okay?"

"Yes, there were just a lot of people in the bathroom." He said that, but deep down, he was confused about being here. He wanted to ask, but it felt wrong to do so. Eiji seemed worried, and he would be even more confused—just like himself—if his boyfriend kept asking where they were or what they were doing all of a sudden. But he couldn't control it. He still didn't know how he forgot about things that were so important.

"Well then, let's go back. It's our first date, after all. I want you to enjoy it."

Oh, so today is our first date. I wonder if I'm dreaming. Because how could someone like him date me? But I—I really want him.

They walked for a while until he noticed a rowboat. It was similar to a canoe. He remembered that Griffin would take him to use them a couple of times on the days he had money, even if the ones they used were always the cheap ones.

"Eiji, can we rent a rowboat?" he asked. For some reason, he had this impulse to do it.

"Uhm... Well..." Ash understood in that moment—Eiji was afraid of the water. It was even adorable, but that wasn't the real reason he wanted to do it.

He had been thinking too much about Griffin lately, still wondering about the things Dino had said about him. Was he really alive and well in Cape Cod? Or was it just a trick to make him go back? Deep down, he knew that the fear of going back and seeing Griffin disappointed in the person he had become was stronger than his desire to see him again.

When he was thinking clearly again, Eiji was trembling while they sat looking at each other in the rowboat.

"Is it your first time in a rowboat?"

"Uhm... Yes."

"Don't worry, it's safe. Close your eyes. I'll tell you when to open them."

"Okay." He wanted to ask Eiji so many things. What would be enough for him to let him? To notice how rotten he was inside?

When they reached the middle of the lake, he told Eiji to open his eyes. His heart was pounding. He wanted to know how much it would take for Eiji to decide to leave him for someone else or simply realize that this wasn't worth it.

"We're in the middle of the lake now. A perfect place for confessions."

"Why?"

"Because neither of us can go away."

"Idiot, I thought you would say it was because it's romantic."

"Eiji, how much do you truly love me?" He had meant to ask if he could be forgiven, but instead, he said that. Because his feelings for the other were still so strong that he couldn't bring himself to say the truth and deal with the rejection he knew would come with it.

"Well, I love you so much that I think about you when I go to sleep and when I wake up. When I watch a good movie or read a book, I wonder if you'd like it, and I want to call you more often, but I don't because I don't want to bother you. When I'm off class, I'm happy because it means I'm going to see you, even if I don't like my job. And when you accepted being my boyfriend, I was really happy because you are one of the best people I've ever known."

And Eiji said it so easily that it made him feel guilty. It almost... He couldn't cry there. Couldn't even breathe for a moment.

"Actually, I would like to know the same: how much do you love me?"

He was mute. His brain couldn't formulate an answer at all, but the next thing he said came from the bottom of his heart. It was instinct—raw and violent.

"I love you enough to kill anyone that dares to hurt you," he finally said. It was the truth. Funny how it seemed so insignificant compared to what Eiji had just told him. A sick version of love and a confession about his crimes at the same time.

"That means you love me a lot, right?" But of course, Eiji, as innocent as he was, wouldn't notice the ugly truth behind it. Ash didn't know—couldn't read his expression.

"Of course it does." It did. It did, and he loved Eiji so much it hurt.

"Okay, but don't kill anyone. Fine?" But there were secrets. Secrets he didn't know and things Ash wasn't sure if he was ever going to say.

"Deal." That's what he said instead.

He wished he could be a different person. Someone...

Someone who could love Eiji like a normal person. But it was just a wish in the end.