Chapter Text
The sky had darkened, and as I raced away, I found myself nearing the forest. Overwhelmed with emotions, I collapsed to my knees, desperately cupping my mouth as tears streamed down my face. "I don't want you to behave like this with me... I didn't want this confession to turn out like this... Was there no solution other than telling me I shouldn't dare to see you again?" My voice, muffled by my tears, trembled as I spoke. The cold night wind caressed my black hair. I sat there, tears streaming down my face. All I did was be honest about how I felt.. why couldn't you at least acknowledge my feelings? You said you would never want to see me again.. what do I do when all I yearn for is a glance from you..? The wind rustled through the trees, providing a melancholy soundtrack to my despair.
The sun rose slowly, signaling the start of another day. I mentally prepared myself for the new classes ahead. Before leaving my dorm, I hugged Teddy tightly, knowing he was the only comfort I could rely on. I attended Professor McGonagall's Transfiguration class, but my thoughts were elsewhere. I barely paid attention to the lecture, causing McGonagall to call my name three times before scolding me for my lack of focus. The other classes went by in a blur, Whenever thoughts of the next Potions class surfaced, my heart ached deeply, making me feel weak. After my last class with Hagrid, I slowly made my way towards the entrance hall, clutching my bag. There, near the building, stood Malfoy. My blood boiled and my heart filled with anger at the sight of him. He looked at me with an expression that seemed to carry shame.
I hate you. There's no one in the world I despise more. I wish I could release all my anger upon you, but I just can't... I increased my pace, urgently attempting to pass by him, but before I could, he called out to me in a weak voice. "Sue..." My eyes burning with anger, I turned to face him. "Don't suddenly call me by my name now. Weren't you the one who treated me like a 'nobody'? And don't even think for a second that I want to talk to you. I don't want to see or speak with you again!" He tried to maintain a stoic expression, but the depth of his cold grey eyes betrayed a deeper emotion. "Listen-" our conversation was interrupted by the sight of Snape walking towards us. My eyes widened, and as he passed us, his eyes never met mine. I was well aware of Snape's routine of visiting the greenhouses once a week to collect plants.
Yet, the timing of his arrival couldn't be more unfortunate, as it felt like my heart was being torn apart. Draco took notice as I followed Snape's departure with my eyes, which were now brimming with fresh tears. I tried to hold back the tears, but it was becoming increasingly difficult, all the suppressed emotions from yesterday starting to surface again. He's killing me, his indifference is eating me alive and crushing my heart... Tears began to fall uncontrollably, betraying my emotions. Draco spoke my name in a hushed tone, trying to reach out to me, but a mixture of anger and heartache caused me to cut him off. "Can't you just get lost? Just leave me alone!" I snapped at him.
I wiped my eyes with my forearm and hurried past him, the tears blurring my vision as the setting sun cast a veil of darkness around the castle. My face contorted with pain as tears continued to fall, seemingly without end. I was weary of always seeking a place to be alone and allowing my emotions to pour out like a storm. My head pulsated painfully, my heart constricted, and my eyes throbbed. The ache was overwhelming, but the image of his indifference replaying in my mind was what hurt the most. Was I truly so detestable and pathetic in his eyes? Did my feelings disgust him so much that he chose to discard me like rubbish, worthless trash?
The common room was buzzing with activity as several students were immersed in their homework. I quietly ascended to the girls' dormitory, closing the door behind me, finding myself completely alone. Teddy lifted his tail in delight, clearly excited to see me. He meowed loudly, signaling his desire for food. I wiped the lingering tears from my eyes and filled his plate with cat food before sitting down on my bed, watching him eat with a small, bitter smile. Sitting silently on the bed, I ran my fingers through the soft fabric of the covers. How did it come to this?.. Teddy, now full, approached me and jumped on the bed beside me, curling into a cozy ball and resting his head on my thigh. He purred soothingly, trying to comfort me like he always did.
I pulled the blanket over us both, attempting to sleep. After almost an hour, I faintly heard Hermione calling my name. "Sue? Are you alright? Are you sick?" In my half asleep state, I shook my head, signaling 'no' She sat down on my bed, still not fully convinced, and gently placed a hand on my hair. "I was a bit worried about you... You avoided us the whole day... If you want, I can take Teddy and Crookshanks for a short playtime in the yard?" Without opening my eyes, I nodded in agreement. I knew that if I opened my eyes now, she would undoubtedly notice my swollen eyes. I didn't want to explain everything to her at this moment.
Hermione seemed hesitant but after a few seconds she spoke again "well..i will leave now.." My head aches. I feel terribly sick right now. I wasn't sure how much time had passed since Hermione left, as I restlessly opened and closed my eyes, feeling terrible both mentally and physically. A feverish sensation washed over me every time I opened my eyes, causing the ceiling to spin. I could hear whispers, very faint and inaudible, coming from various voices. In my half conscious state, lying in the dark, I wondered where these voices were coming from.
"How much longer do you intend on keeping Sue hidden in this house?" I shifted uncomfortably in my bed, beads of sweat forming on my feverish forehead, as another voice echoed through the room. "We do not wish to expose Sue to that man, even if it is cruel to her..." The whispers continued to weaken, until I could hardly hear them anymore. "I will choose another path for you. Please forgive me, Sue.." A blurry picture of Gentiana showed up in front of me, like we were in a dark room. There was red liquid everywhere. Why does she look so sad? Then, her cold voice echoed in my ears. "Where is she!?"
My eyelids trembled as the imagery in my mind suddenly changed, and Snape's voice echoed loudly in my ears, harsh and cold. "Get out of my sight! Don't ever let me see you again! Hypocrite! You're such a hypocrite girl!" I opened my eyes, letting out a weak sigh as tears slowly welled up in my eyes. I sat on my bed, propping myself up against the back of it, rubbing my aching head as tears brimmed in my eyes. The skin beneath my eyes was blue, a lingering sign of my crying before sleep, and my eyes were swollen. My throat felt dry as my gaze drifted to the window above the table near my bed. It's still nighttime..
A tear streamed down my cheek as I wondered about the dreams that had just played in my head. I used to have countless nightmares even before coming to Hogwarts, and Gentiana always used to be there beside me, gently stroking my hair until I fell asleep. Now it feels like the nightmares are back, and they're more vivid than ever before. I wonder when I stopped being afraid of the night... My eyes welled up with tears as I gazed out the window at the shimmering, tiny stars. It all began after that terrifying night when Snape saved me from the forest... During most nights I checked on him in his office, and that night when he bid me a goodnight...
I placed my hands over my eyes, trying to prevent the tears from falling, but they streamed down my face regardless. I should have never looked at you in the first place. I shouldn't have grown so attached to you.. Now, every time I thought about him, it felt like a stab straight through my heart. The memory of the pain from his rejection, the sound of his cruel voice echoing in my head...
It was a weekend morning, and most of the third years and above were getting ready for their trip to Hogsmeade. I sat on a chair in the common room, working on my homework, feeling exasperated by my own unfocused mind. Shadow fell on the desk as I slowly lifted my head to look at Harry, Hermione, and Ron, who were now standing in front of me. Ron's smile suddenly faded "Why are you wasting such a beautiful day by doing boring homework?" Harry looked at me closely, noticing the dark circles under my eyes. "You look a bit pale and unwell, Sue. You should go check the hospital wing."
Hermione held the strap of her bag tighter, her expression uneasy. "You don't seem like yourself... What's wrong?" I stared down at the parchments and books on the desk in front of me and shook my head. "No, I just couldn't sleep well last night, don't worry about me. Have fun in Hogsmeade." A moment of silence followed, Hermione and Ron looking at each other unsure, and Harry examined my face again. Ron's carefree expression turned serious "Seriously Sue you don't look good at all." I brushed my bangs away and gave them a forced smile, waving my hand. "I said I'm okay. Sometimes, I just have trouble sleeping at night."
Harry tried to lift my spirits "Maybe you should get some potions from Snape..." His words were like a stab to my heart, extinguishing the forced smile on my face. I quickly looked down, pretending to be writing something "Um.." My downcast expression must have given them a hint. Even the mention of Snape's name didn't bring a smile or a blush to my face. They bid farewell and left for their Hogsmeade trip. Quietness enveloped the common room, interrupted only by the sound of the wind blowing in. It wasn't particularly cold, but I felt a chill and had donned a red sweatshirt because of it.
I lost track of time while engrossed in my homework, only realizing at lunch time when my stomach started growling, signaling my hunger. With a weary expression, I made my way slowly to the Great Hall. There were only a handful of first or second years present, and it seemed like most everyone else was enjoying their day at Hogsmeade. I took a seat at the empty Gryffindor table, only to awkwardly notice that some of the professors were now seated at the staff table. I put down the spoon full of soup that was frozen in the air, my already pale face growing several shades paler.
Just what I needed to be alone with these professors and a couple of first years. Brilliant. My appetite completely vanished, and I looked down at the food on the table before sighing and standing up. I could feel the sweat of embarrassment rolling down my face as I quickly made my exit. I made my way out, I felt like I could finally breathe again. I walked further until I reached the window, and just as I placed my hand on the wall, I saw blood. My eyes widened in horror, and I backed away in fear. It's just an illusion... my heartbeat quickening with every second. I blinked a few times, trying to make sense of what was happening.
Everything seemed normal again. Why am I seeing things like this?.. Suddenly, I heard fast footsteps approaching, and my heart skipped a beat. I turned frantically towards the sound, feeling a wave of relief as I recognized Gentiana's figure getting closer. I wanted to run towards her and hold her tight, letting the tears flow freely. However, I couldn't let her see the state I was in. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself, steadying my breathing. She approached me "Sue... I thought you'd gone to Hogsmeade. Weren't you supposed to go?" I pretended to be admiring the view, nodded my head as she reached out and gently lifted my chin, forcing me to meet her gaze.
"Sue..? Why are your eyes swollen?" I avoided eye contact, swallowing the lump in my throat. "It's nothing... really.." She pointed towards the Great Hall. "Why did you run away? Don't tell me you felt shy just because your friends aren't there?" She spoke softly and gently, a hint of playfulness in her tone. My eyes glistened slightly with tears as I smiled faintly "Maybe..I just don't like sitting alone...in front of the professors.." Gentiana placed her hand on my shoulder, "Well, do you want something from me?"
I nodded with a small smile, keeping my gaze fixed over her shoulder. The remaining professors were heading out of the Great Hall, heading in our direction so they could go about their duties. My throat felt dry and constricted as I noticed Snape and Professor McGonagall engaged in conversation, walking towards us. My heart sank as they approached us even closer. McGonagall's face was cheerful as they finally arrived. "Oh, Gentiana, we're about to go to Three Broomsticks. I've managed to convince Severus to come with me. Would you please join us as well?"
I felt incredibly small, awkward, and out of place in this conversation between professors. And then, something broke my heart once more it was Snape, who deliberately ignored my presence entirely, not even granting me a single glance. As they exchanged words, I stood there feeling invisible...as if I didn't even exist. Gentiana grinned at McGonagall "Why not? I'm tired of my office and the voices of students in my head." Moody, with his wooden leg, approached, his walking stick in hand. "Are you all headed for a party?"
The three professors, along with me, turned our attention to him. McGonagall shook her head "Nothing like that, Moody. It's just a pleasant afternoon stroll to Three Broomsticks." Moody chuckled, his eye twitching as it darted over us. "Oh, a pleasant afternoon stroll, I see. Mind if I join, I could use a good butterbeer." McGonagall replied "You're more than welcome to join us for a butterbeer." Gentiana smiled wider "Or even a firewhisky." Snape, the quiet one, simply rolled his eyes at her comment. Moody glanced at me with a strange look in his eye before he moved ahead with the professors. Gentiana bid me farewell and left.