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“ I think of you with the most excruciating tenderness. -Vladimir Nabokov ,” Leonard reads the sticky note aloud, cheeks flushing and lips curling into a fond smile. “Found it on my desk this morning. Left me a coffee too with real creamer . Sulu caught him in the botanic lab harvesting the ingredients to make it from scratch. Used dates, vanilla beans, and almonds. Who’d have thought, huh?”
“I'm happy for you, Bones.” Jim rests his chin on his hand. The corners of his eyes crinkle. “How many years have you been together now?”
“Too many,” Leonard huffs with faux annoyance. “Three years today.”
“And he remembered.” Jim uncurls his index finger from his glass of bourbon to point at his best friend and wink.
“Vulcans have excellent memories, if you recall, Captain,” Leonard says, doing his best Spock impression.
“Indeed, I do, Mr.Spock.” Jim sucks his lower lip into his mouth, hesitating before asking, “So why are you here with me instead of him?”
Leonard's smile dims for a moment. He swirls his glass. “You know why.” Inhaling deeply, he leans backward into his bar stool and knocks the rest of his glass back in one swift gulp, barely feeling the burn. “He's as married to his work as he is me.”
“He’ll come.” Jim knocks their knees together under the bar counter.
Leonard nods and checks his watch. “Told ‘em to come get me once he's finished and we'd do something together.”
“Y'all didn't make plans?”
“With all the downtime we've had?” Leonard laughs humorlessly. “We're lucky to have dinner together.”
Biting the inside of his cheek, Jim considers what to say and comes up blank.
“The note was nice,” Leonard says roughly before clearing his voice. “Nicer than anything I've done for him recently.”
“Talk to me, Bones.”
“I love him, Jim.” Leonard closes his eyes, fingers tightening around his empty glass. “So much it hurts sometimes.”
Jim places his hand on Leonard's shoulder, squeezing lightly.
“I'm afraid it might not be enough.” That I'm not enough , he leaves unsaid.
“You'll make it work. Both of you. You're the most stubborn assholes I've ever met.”
The corner of Leonard's mouth twitches.
“This” –Jim taps the slightly crumpled sticky note– “is proof.”
It's worn down from being in Leonard’s pocket all day, but the wrinkles were tenderly smoothed out. Jim’s heart aches as Leonard traces a finger over one of the lines once more.
“I know he loves me. Never doubt it.” Leonard presses his lips together, carefully considering his wording. “But sometimes I worry he loves what we used to have back when things were easier, not so busy.”
“When have things ever not been busy?” Jim snorts before getting serious again. “Listen, I’m not the one with the psychology degree here, but is it possible you might be projecting your feelings on to him?”
“Things with Spock… they’re so different from how things were with Jocelyn. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop, for him to realize things won’t work out in the end.” Leonard leans his elbows on the bar and rubs his face red. “I don’t know. At this point, I might just become a self-fulling prophecy.”
“I thought you all talked through this before you got married.”
Muffled by his hands, Leonard says, “We did.”
“So what changed?”
Nothing. That was the problem. Nothing between them changed. When he married Jocelyn, it was like a switch flipped between them. Everything was more intense, their good times and their bad. With Spock, their love is consistent. His husband would likely call them, ‘content,’ but for how long? Being content isn’t sustainable. They’d gone through rough patches before of course, but a fabric can only be sewn up so many times before it's better to reuse as a rag, right?
‘Even a rag has its purpose,’ Spock would say.
A rag can soothe a man on a hot day. It can clean up messes and patch over holes. They’re an under appreciated tool in every trade and maybe Leonard’s doing the same. So what if their relationship transforms into a rag? Everyone needs a solid, dependable rag and isn’t that what they are for each other? Spock washes away Leonard’s worries after a long day. Leonard takes care of Spock in the aftermath of whatever trouble he and Jim got into during their explorations. They both filled the hole in the other’s heart.
“I’m just a worrywart,” Leonard settles on replying.
Jim ducks his head to catch Leonard’s gaze, saying, “Don’t let fear keep you from your future.”
“Wow! I didn’t know you wrote fortune cookies.” Leonard rolls his eyes and Jim slaps his shoulder.
“You know what? Just for that, I’m going to tell you another one.” Jim crosses his arms over his chest and taps his temple with his index finger in thought, pulling his other fingernails between his teeth. Leonard motions to their bartender for a refill and takes a long sip. He glances down at his watch again and tries to drown his disappointment with another mouthful of bourbon, but the knot in his gut doesn’t loosen. Snapping, Jim straightens with a grin.
“I got it! Time breeds new opportunities. Choose them carefully and foster their growth to enjoy the fruits of your labor.”
Leonard’s nose curls. “I don’t wanna talk about breeding. One kid is more than enough.”
Laughing, Jim clutches his stomach. “That’s not what I meant.”
“What are my lucky numbers? I’ll tell Joanna to buy us a lottery ticket.” Leonard grins back with all his teeth.
“5, 4, 3, 2, 1.”
Leonard’s eyebrows frown together. “That’s not–”
“Evening, gentleman–Captain,” Spock nods to Jim then turns to Leonard, eyes softening just enough for his husband to notice and for his anxiety to melt away. “Leonard, may I steal you away for the night?”
“You can’t steal what’s already yours.” Leonard winks, leaning in to kiss Spock’s cheek and brush their fingers together for a traditional Vulcan kiss.