Chapter Text
So Batman had children. At least, definitely Robin, who apparently came to the Watchtower and then threatened them all with a sword before Batman made him stop. Which did feel in character for a child of Batman.
And there was, hypothetically, a giant second child in a full-face red helmet who was some sort of gun-toting antihero. But Aquaman was the only one to actually see him aside from an incredibly sleep-deprived Nightwing, who was answering exactly zero questions (“No way am I going against Batman’s whole secrets thing, I like actually living my life”). Not to say that the guy didn’t exist, but two children, with one clearly a decade older at least, that was weird. Especially since a month ago they were under the impression that Batman had zero children.
And apparently there were three more, all teenagers (or young adults? There hadn’t been a great consensus on how old they were) who had been seen by Green Arrow and Wonder Woman. And Diana in particular wasn’t usually the sort to play pranks.
And Flash didn’t want to say that he thought his colleagues were making things up, but it did seem a bit unlikely that Batman had successfully hidden five children for all of the years they’ve known him. And yes, he was a secretive man, and no, they knew nothing about him outside of his persona as Batman, but these kids were associated with Batman and not his civilian life. Again, provided they actually existed and this wasn’t a giant prank and/or mass hallucination.
Barry himself, thanks to being offworld for a while, had missed most of the introductions. Again again, if these introductions actually happened and it wasn’t a mass hallucination.
But then he met another one of the kids. Weirdly, with Batman’s permission this time.
Look. Barry isn’t going to say that he remembers exactly what the kid looked like that first day, but he’s pretty sure that Robin had looked at least somewhat like Batman, in the shape of the face if not the color of the mask. Which could not be said of the guy standing in front of them. “He… looks different from the other one,” he said awkwardly. The guy was in bright yellow and was smiling broadly (and clearly trying not to laugh at him).
“Yes. Signal is my newest.”
Flash blinked, confused. “You mean your youngest?”
“No.” God, trying to talk to Batman was like talking to a brick wall. Except sometimes brick walls were helpful.
“Nice to meet you, Flash,” the kid said politely, offering his hand.
“Same to you, Signal.” Barry shook the kid’s hand, because he is also polite. Also Batman was glaring and clearly unhappy about the whole thing, so being as polite as possible seemed like a good way to not get punched. “So, what’s the whole deal here?”
“Signal has discovered…” Batman trailed off with an annoyed grunt. “There may be complications to his powers.”
Flash grinned widely. “Whoa. Powers? Did you break your rule of no metahumans in Gotham, Spooky?”
Batman glared. Right. Not the time for jokes, then.
Signal shrugged. “Well, I was there already, it would've been mean to kick me out. But the issue is that I’m supposed to have these light-based powers, but recently I’ve noticed… I don’t know? Like changes?”
“Power puberty?” Bartholomew Henry Allen what did we say about jokes.
“I dunno. Maybe. I’ve noticed people’s powers get stronger or something?” he said, but it was more of a question than anything. Barry nodded sympathetically; he knew firsthand how developing powers could be all kinds of stressful and confusing.
“Which is why we’re testing it here with you,” Batman cut in, “in a controlled environment with a known friendly metahuman as opposed to on the field. The sooner we figure this out the better.”
“Yep! Heard and understood, Batman! What do you need me to do?” Barry was a friendly metahuman. His day had been made, and he was ready to start running.
Clearly Batman could tell, because his first instruction was, “Wait here.”
They were in one of the specialty gyms, this with long corridors on either side so that Barry and the other speedsters could run around the entire station. It had speakers all throughout, and a series of cameras connected to a surveillance room for when they had their sparring sessions.
Batman went up to the surveillance room, where he gave his next incredibly infuriating instructions. “Sit with Signal for a moment, Flash. We believe there may be a time exposure component.”
“Right-o. Yep.” Telling a speedster with ADHD to just sit still is like asking the sun to stop being warm but he would try his best.
So Flash and Signal sat down on one of the steps.
He can talk to kids. This is fine. Just make smalltalk. “So. Signal. How’s it going with being a metahuman in Gotham?”
“Weird,” Signal replied, leaning back on his hands. “People are getting used to it. It got better when it was clear that Batman was okay with it.”
“Yeah, his no-metahumans rule is legendary in the League. Guess he made an exception for his kid?”
“Well he probably went through the five stages of grief and invented three new ones before he adopted me, but yeah.”
Adopted. Okay, that makes sense.“So what’s it like to have Batman as a dad?”
“Honestly it’s so insane. My life is a meme now.”
“What?”
“It’s like a joke.”
“I know what a meme is.” Wally kept sending them to his phone so he had to know whether he wanted to or not.
“Right. Sure.” The little shit. Can’t believe he ever thought he was polite. “Anyway, it’s like a thing. The whole city, or well, the costumed fighters in the city, we all knew about Batman’s adoption problem.”
“Adoption… problem?” Were all those kids adopted? That makes so much sense! Barry’s fingers were itching to text the betting group chat to reveal the news, but no. Not while Batman could see.
“Yeah. He’s like addicted or something. It started with Nightwing and it just went downhill from there.”
“I can still hear you both.” Batman’s voice rang out through the speakers.
“I know, old man!” Signal yelled back with a grin. “The first step is admitting you have an issue.”
No. Hold on. What had he said? “Wait wait wait, back up. Nightwing?”
“Oops.” Signal winced. “Wasn’t actually supposed to say that.”
“ Nightwing is Batman’s kid?”
Signal looked at him quizzically. “Wait. Did you guys really not know about that? Not even suspect?”
“Of course we didn't! They never even talk to each other! What sort of child doesn’t talk to his dad!”
“Well, not while they’re working. N’s a professional, he’s been doing this longer than I’ve been alive.“
“What?! Longer than—How fucking old is Nightwing?! ”
Batman’s voice rang through the speakers, tense as he had ever heard it. But when he spoke it was not what Barry was expecting. “Flash, watch your language. I will remind you there are children present.”
“I’m not a kid, B, I know about swear words.” Signal rolled his eyes. If he wasn’t currently freaking the fuck out over the Nightwing is Batman’s son thing, Flash would be impressed with his ability to do that with his mask. But he was currently freaking the fuck out so it was more of a background observation.
“No, no seriously, because what the fuck—”
“Nightwing’s like, a decade older than me I think?” Signal answered. “We’ve never done the math.”
Barry did some mental math of his own then. “WHAT?!”
“We're ready to begin.” Batman’s voice came over the speaker.
“No the fuck we are not!” Flash yelled back to the ceiling. “Batman, what the actual goddamn—Did you send a kid out to fight? A child? An actual—”
“Nightwing was incredibly accomplished before his adoption. His presence in the field with me was to ensure he would not go out alone before he was ready.”
“Why didn’t you stop him?!”
“If you think you could stop Nightwing from doing something he wants to do, please be my guest,” Batman said grimly. “The same applies to all of my children. I ensure their safety. Beyond that, our relationships are none of your business, but I thank you for your concern for my children’s welfare. Can we begin now?”
“No we canNOT, oh my God.” Thank fuck he was already sitting. His world was shifting too quickly.
“Signal—” Batman sighed.
“Don’t look at me! Why on earth didn't they know?! Did you and N just never talk?!” Signal yelled to the ceiling.
“No, they didn’t talk!” Barry was approaching what he believes is the dictionary definition of hysterical . “I thought they never even met before the League! Oh my god, no wonder he knew all about Batman’s kids!“
“B, that’s so weird.” Signal gave a look to the closest camera. “Why don’t you talk to your kids?”
No. No. This couldn't be real. Nightwing, the fun-loving jokester, Batman’s son? The guy who drinks hot chocolate with rainbow sprinkles in a Superman mug was the child of the Dark Knight? Surely this is a weird joke, right?
Well, that , at least, he can check. Nightwing was here, Barry knew, monitoring the computers with Green Lantern.
Flash took off, ignoring Batman’s voice and Signal’s laugh behind him. (Barry thinks distantly he might have been faster than normal, but he was too distracted to take any notice). (Batman did notice, of course. He notices everything). (Flash had shaved 0.2 seconds off his time).
“So when were you going to tell us you were Batman’s kid?!” Flash said, bursting into the room without preamble.
Nightwing didn’t even give him the courtesy to even feign surprise, just spun around in his chair to face him. “Whenever you guys asked.” He quirked a smile. “We had a bet to see how long it would take.”
“What?!” Green Lantern spun around from his seat to stare at Nightwing. “You’re Batman’s son?!”
“Yeah.”
“You had a bet?!”
“Yeah? I mean, the rest of my siblings did. I wasn’t allowed to participate.” Nightwing sighed dramatically. “Spoiler decided it would be ‘unfair’ since I might try to make it so that you guys figured it out only when I wanted you to.”
“Oh my god.” Barry felt lightheaded. There had been a small piece of him that hoped this was some weird prank from Batman’s weird kids. But no. He heard it here, straight from the horse’s mouth. Bird’s mouth. Bat’s mouth?
“Yeah, sorry. Honestly, I’m glad I didn't bet; I would've lost big time. I thought someone would've noticed months ago. This was way funnier.”
“Oh my god.”
“I’m going to blame Robin,” Nightwing continued with a smile. “None of the rest of them would’ve come to visit without him breaking the ice. Red Hood’s going to be absolutely pissed, though. He was betting at least another full year.”
“How do… How?” Green Lantern asked, sounding dazed.
Barry felt a small amount of joy knowing that he wasn’t alone in feeling like his entire world had turned upside down.
“Green Lantern. Do you not know how babies get made?” Nightwing shook his head playfully. “Goodness, they need to update those Lantern trainings!”
Green Lantern turned into Christmas colors, his face flushing bright red. “No, but—”
“Sorry, that was your one personal question of the day. Any other questions regarding my personal life or those of the vigilantes of Gotham are not welcome.” Nightwing gave what could only be described as a shit-eating grin. “And you better not push. Or I’ll tell dear old Dad.”
“This does not count!” Steph yelled, pushing back her chair with the force of her fury.
Duke scoffed, “Shut up, Steph, of course it counts!”
“You threw the whole competition!”
“That’s not my fault!”
“It kinda is, dude,” Jason said from where he lounged in his seat by the head of the dining table.
“Well, Damian started it!” Duke protested, pointing an accusing finger at Damian.
Damian rolled his eyes. “I told them nothing. I merely made an appearance.”
“Come on, little D, you were sowing seeds and you knew it.” Dick said with a smile.
“Look, we all agreed. No lying, and answer questions when they ask!” No way in hell was Duke losing this without a fight.
“You didn’t need to bring Dick into it.”
“Well it’s not like we can restart it! Sorry I don’t control time!” Duke threw up his hands.
“Unless…”
The chaos stopped for a moment as they all turned to look at Tim. Duke frowned. “Tim. I can’t control time.”
“Not that. I was going to say we could just do another bet.”
“Bet on what?”
“I have an idea,” Dick said regally from the head of the table. “You know the League has their own bet right now? On whether or not Batman’s human?”
It took only one second for the brilliance and potential hilarity of this plan to take shape in their heads.
“Oh my god,” Steph whispered, slightly awestruck.
Jason smiled wickedly. “Dick. Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?”
“That we go and throw them all off the trail? Yep. Hell, I think B would even support us.”
Steph stood up, readying the bright purple journal that was the keeper of all sibling bets. “First one to convince the League we’re immortal cryptids gets first dibs on Alfred’s cookies for a month.”
“Two months,” Cass piped up.
Steph shrugged. “Fair enough. Two months. All in favor?”
A chorus of aye s went around the table.
Stephanie put down the journal with a flourish. “The bet has been placed.”
All of Batman’s children smiled. This was going to be so much fun.