Chapter Text
Felix was fourteen when he first started using self-inflicted pain as a coping method.
He hadn’t ever really thought about hurting himself before. Bruises, cuts, and other injuries were always on his body, so in some shape or form, he was always in a state of pain. He had no control over these injuries, and he simply accepted them as normal.
It all changed at a single party Haiga had that one night.
“He’s perfect,” Haiga crowed. He clapped a hand over Felix’s shoulder and gave the mass of people a large grin.
They were at a gathering of sorts with other organizations, but really the main purpose was for Haiga to flaunt his power. Haiga may have missed the well-controlled glares the others were giving him, but Felix didn’t.
“Now, now,” one clicked his tongue, sipping a glass of whiskey. “He’s just a small little thing.”
Haiga’s grin only widened. “Ah, I forgot he hadn’t officially been… introduced.” He turned to Felix with an amused look. “You haven’t properly debuted, have you?”
“No Sir,” he answered.
“Well, then,” Haiga turned back to face the crowd. “Everyone, may I have your attention?”
The crowd murmured, some giving Felix curious looks, while others focused on Haiga.
“Surely, everyone knows of a mysterious… person giving hell in several organizations as of late,” Haiga paused dramatically. Felix knew he must have been a bit tipsy; Haiga usually wasn’t one for theatrics. But he tensed nonetheless, realizing what Haiga was planning to do.
“See this boy?” Haiga suddenly pulled Felix in front of him. Felix allowed himself to get dragged, ignoring the voice in the back of his mind that screamed at him to get away. Because he couldn’t get away; this was Haiga.
A thick and heavy silence filled the room.
“This boy,” Haiga drawled. “Is the single assassin that has been wreaking havoc. And he has decided to be a part of the Lurking Shadows.”
A lie. Haiga knew that if he let it slip that he was the one purposefully stirring up trouble, he’d turn everyone here into his enemy. Declaring Felix, practically a stranger in their eyes, as the one who had done it on his own not only placed all the blame on him but also showed how much power Haiga had by “taming” him.
Felix was perfect, all right. The perfect scapegoat.
An older man glared at Felix. “I’m afraid I can’t sit still knowing that he was the reason why my forces down south lost a part of my trade. He may be a part of your organization now, but I must settle the score first.”
Others murmured in agreement.
Haiga shrugged. “Well, he needs to prove his worth. If this is the way, then so be it.” He turned to face Felix. “You will not do anything to harm them.”
Felix mutely nodded, accepting his fate. He stepped in front of the other man and waited.
“He’s quite pretty,” another said. “Say, will you be offering him up for other services?”
“No,” Haiga said. “And don’t let his face fool you. The more beautiful, the more deadly.”
“Enough,” the other man snapped. He brought out a silver knife. “If he can withstand what I’m about to do to him without crying out, then I’ll let it go.”
“I see your tastes still remain the same, Jin,” Haiga chuckled. “Well, even though he’s still rough around the edges, he’s good. This will be fun to watch.”
“Sorry boy,” Jiun didn’t sound sorry at all. “Of all the people here, why’d ya have to come after my things?” He raised the knife right at Felix’s chest. “Best believe this is going to hurt.”
Even though Felix was used to these things by now, it didn’t make it much easier. As Jin’s knife sank into his flesh, Felix forced his other senses to go into overdrive so that his attention wasn’t focused on the unpleasant feeling of the metal scraping into his flesh.
The whispers in the room caught his attention.
“Is he even human?”
“Look at how Jin’s tearing him up; even I would have screamed by now.”
“Wish I got my hands on him. Haiga’s only going to get more powerful with him.”
“Of course. Who knew that the killer who had been moving solo for so long would suddenly be under Haiga’s control? Perhaps Haiga has something that the boy wanted.”
“I want him for our use. Think he’ll agree to come to work for us?”
“I don’t know about that.”
“Well, he’d be a good thing to have by your side, regardless of what he does. Hell, he could sit still and people would slobber all over him.”
To everyone here, Felix was merely an object. If Haiga put him out on the market like this, he’d be able to flaunt himself as a higher, more powerful being in front of this crowd. And Felix would simply go along with it because he was trained to follow everything Haiga ordered.
“Well, I guess we’re even,” Jin sighed. He looked extremely disappointed as he turned to face Haiga. “You got yourself a fine one this time around, Haiga.”
Haiga chuckled. “Don’t I know it. And he only follows me.”
Everyone in the room caught on to the subtle message.
Haiga turned to face Felix. “You’re dismissed.”
Felix stiffly bowed before exiting the grand room. He was only halfway down the hall when he tensed, instantly throwing himself to the side as a fist materialized out of nowhere.
“Fuck,” a voice growled. “So I guess you’re the real deal.”
Felix blinked up to see a man with a scar on his eye glaring at him with murderous intent. “Who are you?”
“You even sound like a demon,” the man sneered. “Bastard.”
Felix wasn’t sure of what to make of this person. He was used to the harsh sneers of his colleagues, but none of them had actually stepped up to do anything to him due to their fear.
“Fuck,” the man cursed. “Don’t even want to beat you up because you’re cut up. That’d make me a coward. That’d be a stain on my honor and pride.”
Honor and pride? What use was that to a person in this field?
“You’re looking at me like you don’t understand a speck of what I’m saying. Well, that’s to be expected,” the man grabbed Felix’s bloodied shirt. “You’re just a puppet with no real feelings. Bastards like you don’t have a say in their miserable lives.”
“How does it feel being a fucking dog?” the man spat. “You’re disgusting. I’d rather kill myself than allow myself to follow orders like I’m some lackey. Where’s your honor as a person, huh? Was it fucking worth it to… to…”
Much to Felix’s confusion, the man started crying. He watched in silence as the man’s tears hit his face, unable to comprehend what was happening.
“You gettin’ a kick out of me blubbering?” The man choked out. “Bastard. You fucking bastard…”
Felix was too stunned to speak. Why was this man crying in front of him? It had been a long time since he saw tears.
“I’ll tell you why,” the man said. “It’s ‘cause I’m not a defective, unfeeling bastard like you. Tears are normal. Anger and all those emotions you repress are fucking normal to feel. You know what isn’t? Following orders and giving up your humanity.”
He shoved Felix into the wall before letting go of his shirt. “I wanted to kill you to avenge my brother, but I changed my mind. I pity you, you poor bastard.” The man gave him one final disgusted look before turning away.
He wasn’t sure how he got back to his room.
He fumbled with the bottle of antiseptic and poured it all over his wounds.
“Bastard.”
The antiseptic almost slipped out of his shaky hands when he suddenly recalled the other man’s words.
“Bastards like you don’t have a say in their miserable lives.”
Why did that matter? He was just here to fulfill his duties.
“I’d rather kill myself than allow myself to follow orders like I’m some lackey.”
That just showed you don’t have any patience.
“Tears are normal.”
He was just surprised at seeing the other man cry, that’s all.
“You’re just a puppet with no real feelings.”
But he did have real feelings. Felix could feel pain–
He froze.
Because he couldn’t feel it.
He couldn’t feel the burn from the antiseptic, he couldn’t feel the pulsing pain from the gaping wounds on his chest.
Since when? Since when could he not feel something as trivial as pain?
Felix jerked towards the small table beside his bed and palmed the small dagger into his hand.
“Look at how Jin’s tearing him up; even I would have screamed by now.”
He raised the shaped metal with precision.
“Is he even human?”
Without any hesitation, he slashed his wrist.
A sigh of relief escaped his mouth when he felt pain explode from the self-inflicted wound and he slumped to the floor.
He was human. See? He was human.
He chose to hurt himself. From that choice, he felt pain.
So what if he was just a puppet? So what if he was just an ornament that would only bend to Haiga’s will?
He could still make choices. He could still feel things. This was the reality.
He was still human.
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
How incredible that Hyunjin always managed to show himself when Felix was the most vulnerable.
But at least with him, he felt grounded. Human.
He closed his eyes.
Perhaps he’d been afraid of Hyunjin all along.
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
“Felix,” Hyunjin whispered. “What the fuck did you do?”
Instead of answering, Felix sank his nails into his arm. Hyunjin immediately swatted it away.
“Stop that,” Hyunjin hissed. “You’re hurting yourself.”
Felix looked up at him with a blank expression. “Don’t tell me what to do and get out.”
“Are you insane? How do you expect me to just leave after seeing you hurt yourself?”
“It’s necessary.”
“There is nothing necessary about this,” Hyunjin snapped. “I don’t know what they do over there, but it’s wrong.”
“Who said that anyone over there does this?”
Hyunjin felt his heart constrict. “You mean–”
“I do this out of my own free will.” The words were sharp and venomous to his ears.
There was no reason for Felix to lie about it which just made it worse. What did he mean that hurting himself was necessary?
“I don’t know what’s bothering you, but doing this won’t solve anything,” Hyunjin muttered.
“What do you know?” Felix said, surprisingly bitterly. “Don’t waltz in here acting like a know-it-all.”
“This room is a part of NoEasy,” Hyunjin walked over to the cabinets to see if anything could help his wounds. “And being a know-it-all is a part of my job description.”
For the first time since he woke up, Felix didn’t respond with a snarky remark.
Which just made Hyunjin even more uneasy.
He didn’t know how to deal with this Felix.
This Felix was more raw, rough, different from the Felix of the rumors and the Felix he’d grown to tease at any given moment. This Felix was vulnerable, angry, and most of all, dangerous.
To himself.
“Let me see it.”
To his surprise, Felix complied. Hyunjin gently grasped his hand and lifted the tweezers full of cotton.
“This is going to hurt.”
“Good,” Felix replied.
Hyunjin looked up in disbelief. “Are you a masochist?”
“No.”
“Can you at least tell me why you did this? Because I do have to report this.”
Felix’s mouth flattened into a straight line. “It’s none of your business. I’m not one of you.”
“I’m hurt,” Hyunjin said. “Did our time together mean nothing?”
Felix tensed and Hyunjin looked up in surprise. He had only said the question as a joke, but Felix had taken it seriously.
Tentatively, he added, “It wouldn’t kill you to rely on someone. You can talk to me if you want to.”
Felix’s face tightened at his words, but he stayed silent. Hyunjin figured that he overstepped and went back to cleaning his wounds. Just as he was finishing up, Felix broke the silence.
“I do this because this is the only way I can make myself feel sane.”
Hyunjin jerked up at the sudden confession and met Felix’s unwavering gaze. “What?”
“Sometimes, I need a reminder that I’m not in some nightmare and that I’m human. Pain tethers me back.” Felix broke eye contact. “Does that answer your question?”
It did and Hyunjin felt sick.
“And as to why I did this…” Felix raised his now bandaged hands to cover his eyes. “I found out something. From the files.”
“What do you mean?”
“Haiga,” Felix replied. “His handwriting’s on the tip-off. He purposely led you all to me and trusted that you would save me. I don’t know what he’s planning, but one thing is clear: you have fallen into some sort of trap by rescuing me.”
The sudden influx of information swirled in Hyunjin’s mind, but out of all the words Felix uttered, he was only focused on one thing.
“Are you okay?”
Felix lifted the hands off his eyes and looked at him in disbelief. “Is that seriously the first question you’re asking? I just told you you’ve been played.”
“We all know Haiga’s a crafty old coot–” Hyunjin grinned when Felix made a surprised noise at the insult. “–and he’d been suspicious in our books for quite a while. Sure, it’s new information that he was the one who set it all up, but that’s not important right now.”
“How is that information not important?” Felix sounded so dumbfounded at his words that Hyunjin almost laughed. “What else is more important than what I just said?”
Hyunjin immediately sobered up. “You.”
Felix scowled at him. “I’m serious.”
“I am too,” Hyunjin took a step closer to him. “I can’t imagine how you must have felt when you found out.”
“Does it matter? What’s done is done.”
“Just because it happened doesn’t mean you can’t be hurt.”
“It’s useless to dwell on these things.”
Hyunjin plopped down next to Felix. “Well, it’ll be a lot easier than repressing it. It’ll just bite you in the ass later.”
Felix tensed at his words. “Then what should I do?”
“Cry it out.”
“That’s your solution?”
“Trust me. It feels like a huge weight gets off your chest.”
Felix seemed to deflate at his words. “...I haven’t cried in years.”
Hyunjin hummed. “Then just get rid of all the thoughts in your mind. I’m sure you have plenty. I’ll give you my ear.”
“I don’t want your bloody ear.”
“Not literally,” Hyunjin laughed. “What I mean is that I’ll listen to you, free of charge.”
“How gracious,” Felix muttered.
“Indeed. So many people have sought my services! Can’t blame them really, not only do I listen well, I have a great face,” Hyunjin pointed at himself for emphasis.
Felix squinted at him. “You would be a lot better if you had your mouth sewn shut.”
“Still obsessed with my mouth, I see.”
“I never was,” Felix grumbled. “Now shut up if you want me to talk.”
Felix fell back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Hyunjin followed suit and watched the blonde out of the corner of his eye. Felix’s hands were clenched, a clear sign that he was anxious.
Well, that’s expected, Hyunin thought to himself. It would have been even weirder if he wasn’t. After a moment’s silence, Felix let out a sigh.
“I think I’m scared.”
Hyunjin closed his eyes to urge him to continue. Just pretend I’m not here.
“This is the first time I’ve felt so lost. These past few days have made me realize that I relied on Haiga for everything and deluded myself into thinking I meant something.”
“I deemed myself valuable because I never expected to be thrown away. My skills that were honed for Haiga are now useless. What good is a butcher in an office?”
Felix’s voice became quieter. “And what do I do about Jeongin? He’s alone there and even I cannot breach the organization’s security. I have told him of a place where we could meet outside in case of an emergency, but that was only reserved in case Jeongin needed it, not me, since I am free to come and go whereas he cannot. I have left him prisoner within those walls.”
“Haiga knows I cannot function in normal society. I was trained to live and die as an assassin. So I just find myself questioning what I had done for Haiga to choose this method. Was I too weak? And what do I do now?”
Hyunjin pondered what to say next. He wanted to reassure him, to tell him that it was possible to erase his past and restart, but that was too simple and easy.
Everyone knew that simple and easy were just daydreams. Especially for people like Felix.
“Well, I can answer that last question,” Hyunjin said tentatively. “You can stay with us.”
Felix looked at him like he had grown three heads. “You guys don’t need assassins.”
“Just because we don’t need them doesn’t mean you can’t join.”
“And why would you want that? News flash, I am the
enemy.
Just because I wasn’t a part of the plans to help take down NoEasy doesn’t change the fact that I
was
a part of the Lurking Shadows.”
“The enemy of my enemy is my friend,” Hyunjin mused.
“And what if I go back? For all you know, I could just be playing around to get you to trust me.”
“I may not know you that well, but I know one thing,” Hyunjin pointed at him. “You have pride. Your pride’s been trampled by the one person you thought wouldn’t betray you. You probably aren’t feeling it right now because you’re still in shock, but deep down you’re angry. Even if you go back, your relationship with Haiga is bound to fall apart sooner or later. You’ll feel the need to get revenge and we’ll gladly assist you.”
Felix went quiet. He could tell that he was trying to come up with something, anything, to deny his words, but was coming up with nothing.
“Don’t overthink it,” Hyunjin pushed himself up. “Plus, I have my own reasons for wanting you to stay.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Hyunjin shrugged. “I like teasing you.”
He decided it’d be too much to say he was interested. Nevertheless, it did the trick of easing the tension.
“Asshole,” Felix muttered. “You better pray that I don’t get my hands on a gun anytime soon.”
He reached his hand out toward him. “So I assume that you will join us?”
Felix looked at his hand like it was a foreign alien. “I can’t believe we went from bandaging my hands to you recruiting me.”
Hyunjin grinned. “Told you my services were great.”
“This doesn’t mean I trust anyone here,” Felix warned.
“We’ll work on the trust building later,” Hyunjin said. “Though I think we’re already getting there in my opinion. Now, will you just take my hand already?”
Hyunjin relaxed when Felix stretched his arm out to reach him, but that was a mistake. Instead of grabbing his hand, Felix grabbed his wrist, and suddenly Hyunjin was underneath the blonde.
“Really, I cannot understand how you all have your guard down around me,” Felix muttered. Hyunjin tried to calm his racing heart as Felix leaned closer to his ear. “But evidently, you are correct. I have much more to gain standing by your side than figuring out how to get back to Haiga. So I’ll take up your offer.”
“Oh,” Hyunjin said in a daze. “Okay. Great.”
Felix had a ghost of a smile on his face. “You better try and keep up with me. Because if I am to hit Haiga where it hurts, I need everyone else to be on par.”