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Chapter Text

Draco Malfoy

Draco proudly stuck a name badge to his chest.

“Who the fuck is Clint Monroe?” Potter demanded with a frown.

Potions Master in training!

“Clint Monroe is the name I came up with when I thought I might have to start a new life on account of the Dark Lord wanting me dead. Tonight, though, it is my Muggle name.” Draco patted the badge to make sure it was secure.

“Would Clint like Dobby to serve champagne or Cosmopolitans as the guests arrive?” Dobby asked, popping up beside them.

“You even have Dobby calling you Clint?!” Potter exclaimed with a shake of his head.

“We have been over this, Dobby. You can’t be seen by the Muggle woman. You must stay in the kitchen; the Twin Weasleys are on drink serving duty. Let’s start with champagne and then move on to the good stuff.”

“If you is insisting, Sir.” Dobby disappeared with a sad crack.

“You do realise the name ‘Draco Malfoy’ is fine; she thinks you’re Bulgarian anyway…” Potter scoffed.

“It’s Muggle night, Potter! We all need Muggle names! Honestly.” Draco picked up a sticky name badge and scribbled a name for Potter… “Here you go.”

“Randy Horntail?”

“Little nod to when you fought a dragon; you’re welcome.” Draco felt very pleased with himself.

Potter responded by banishing the ‘n’ in Clint “Clit Monroe suits you better.”

Fucking Potter.

“I’m just going to keep my own name,” Weasley informed them incorrectly.

“Hold on.” Draco wrote out a name tag for Weasley and proudly placed it on his chest. “You are now Pubert Peggs.”

Potter burst out laughing at the look on Weasley’s face.

“Oh, are we creating Muggle names?” his mother asked excitedly. She peered closely to see what they had come up with. “I see where we are going with this.” She took a name badge and wrote her own name.

“Frances Flicker,” Draco read as he and Potter burst out laughing.

“I don’t get it,” Weasley said, looking confused.

There’s a surprise.

“The alternative name for Frances is…” Potter said, willing Weasley to catch up. “Fanny. Frances is also known as Fanny. Narcissa’s Muggle name is Fanny Flicker. Jesus, Ron…” Potter rolled his eyes.

“Oh.” Weasley started turning magenta.

Weasley is going to struggle at this party.

~~~~~~~~

Hermione Granger

Hermione left St. Mungo’s positive that her parents' recovery was going well. After she had used the Elder Wand to reverse the Memory Spell, they had been admitted to St. Mungo’s so that professionals could monitor their recovery in a controlled environment. Having large chunks of memory suddenly come back could be quite disconcerting, it turns out.

Had her parents been angry? Yes. There was no getting around that, and Hermione had been on the receiving end of some very hard conversations. The hardest part was walking into their hospital room each day and not knowing what emotion would greet her, as it was very dependent on what memories had come back. But they seemed to have arrived at acceptance. They didn’t like or agree with what she had done, but they begrudgingly accepted her reasons for doing it.

Hermione felt good as she apparated to her cottage on the outskirts of Bath. Tonight she was going to have a relaxing night in front of the fire with a good book. Hopefully with a certain blond wizard, if his mother didn’t need him at the Manor. Harry would be around too; the renovations at Grimmauld Place were ongoing. Turns out it takes a long time for Curse-Breakers to work through ancient blood wards.

She made her way up the gravel path, pausing here and there to smell some of the roses. Everything was quiet and peaceful. “God, I love this place,” she muttered to herself as she approached the door.

“You’re home! I felt you come through the gates.” Draco had pulled the door open and wrapped his arms around her before she had time to respond. She frowned as his crotch neighed.

Not that bloody thong again…

“Why are you wearing…” she cut off. Looking through the front door, she was greeted with a sight that she was definitely not prepared for. Her living room was full of people, some of whom were very enthusiastically cheering on a blindfolded Neville, who was trying to hit a piñata with a Beater’s bat. “Draco, what the hell is this?”

“Use my Muggle name!” He pointed to a name badge that said Clit Monroe on it.

Clit…

“And it’s a party, of course!” he exclaimed, dragging her inside.

The moment she walked in, her ears were assaulted with noise. Dean Thomas was hyping people up from a DJ booth that was set up beside the stairs. She had to shield her eyes from the multicoloured flashing lights and disco ball. Many people from Hogwarts were in attendance, along with members of the Order and some of her old professors. She noticed Slughorn hiding in a corner, stuffing his face with cocktail sausages.

“Darling! You finally made it!” Hermione’s eyes widened as she took in Narcissa Malfoy wearing a Spice Girls T-shirt, a black velvet skirt, and platform shoes.

Oh, bloody hell, this is the Muggle party he kept threatening to host…

“Hi Narcissa, you look very Muggle,” she said, forcing a smile onto her face.

“Oh no! My Muggle name is Frances Flicker this evening!” Hermione stared blankly as Narcissa twirled in her new outfit, stumbling slightly in the platform shoes. “I sent my house-elf to get me something popular from the Muggle shops.”

As Hermione looked around, she noticed quite a few interesting outfit choices, mainly from Draco’s pureblood friends. An involuntary laugh escaped her as she spotted Minerva McGonagall wearing a kilt and carrying bagpipes under her arm.

“Alright, Granger.” Pansy Parkinson handed her a cocktail. “Have to say, this Muggle gown my house-elf came back with is a bit risqué, even for me. But Clit told me they are all sex-obsessed, so I suppose it makes sense.”

Gown…

Oh no…

“Pansy, I think your house-elf got confused. That’s a dressing gown!” She chuckled at the black silk dressing gown Pansy was currently wearing.

“I wouldn’t go that far, Granger; it’s not that dressy.” Pansy informed her, then waved at Blaise Zabini and wandered off to join him.

Hermione closed her eyes for a second, trying to comprehend the madness she had just walked in on. “I can’t believe you made everyone dress as Muggles,” she hissed at Draco.

“I had to! The Ann Summers lady is a Muggle, and in case you have forgotten, there is a little thing called the Statute of Secrecy.”

Ann Summers lady…

“Is this an Ann Summers party?!”

“It was Clit’s idea,” Harry said sheepishly, coming to join them with Ginny in tow. “Don’t get mad at Theo Nott; he tried, in his own way…”

Draco’s choked laughter made her sigh.

“Hey!” The woman from the Ann Summers shop shoved a catalogue in her hand. “Have a catalogue. There are plenty of toys to look at, outfits to try on, and a variety of different lubes to sniff. I wonder what scent might take your fancy!”

“Oh there you are, Sarah! I need your help with one of the vibration devices.” Narcissa took hold of Muggle Sarah’s hand and escorted her away.

“I don’t think I should be in the general vicinity of my mother for a while; find you later.” Draco kissed her cheek and hurried off, his crotch neighing happily as he went. It was hard to be angry with him, especially since he had gone out of his way to help her with her parents and given her a cottage.

“Narcissa, I mean, Frances, is essentially going to be single for the next ten years; can’t blame her for finding something to entertain herself with,” Ginny sniggered.

Not the mental images I needed.

Hermione took a deep breath. “Ok, I am going to go upstairs and get changed. Then I might feel a bit more equipped to deal with… this.”

“Don’t go in Clit’s old room; we’ve turned it into a changing area for people trying things on…” Harry informed her.

Bloody hell…

On her way to the stairs, she spotted Theo Nott sporting a white T-shirt with ‘I’M A MUGGLE’ written in big black letters on the front. He beamed at her, pointing proudly at the words when he saw her looking.

We are definitely going to have to Obliviate Sarah before the end of the night.

~~~~~~~~

Draco Malfoy

Draco stacked the bags into Potter’s held out arms.

“I can’t believe you are making me hand out party bags,” Potter grumbled.

“You shouldn’t have told me about this Muggle tradition if you didn’t want me to act upon it, Randy,” Draco told him happily.

They started making their way around the room, handing out party bags to all the guests. He had made different ones, and handed them out strategically based on who he wanted to initiate into the 3am Club.

“Longbottom!” Draco called, shoving a bag towards him.

Longbottom opened the bag cautiously and peered inside. “Why is there body wash in here?”

Draco’s crotch neighed enthusiastically as he threw an arm around Longbottom’s shoulder. “Let me tell you about the 3am Club; now most can’t handle the mint body wash, but I have a feeling you will do just fine. You did wear a cardigan to the Battle of Hogwarts, after all…”

“Do not wank with the mint body wash, Neville!” Weasley called unhelpfully.

Fucking Pubert.

“It’s almost like you don’t want our club to grow,” Draco accused as Potter laughed. “Have a wank with the mint body wash, Longbottom; I know you can handle it.”

“A TAMAGOTCHI,” Dean Thomas announced loudly, holding it up in the air like he had won the Quidditch world cup.

“Don’t show it to Pubert; he murdered mine,” Potter warned Dean, clearly still very bitter about Featherby the First.

“I said I was sorry! Anyway, you have another one now,” Weasley replied angrily.

Also called Featherby; Potter is so unoriginal.

“It’s not the same. Featherby the Second doesn’t like me as much,” Potter complained.

“Darling.” Draco’s mother approached with Muggle-sex-shop-legend Sarah in tow. “Cousin Dobby needs you in the kitchen,” she gave him an exaggerated wink behind Muggle-sex-shop-legend Sarah’s back. “Oh, Trashagotmis!” she exclaimed excitedly towards Dean.

Potter gave him an amused smile. “At least she tries… That’s more than can be said for Sev.”

They both looked over at Snape, who was standing on his own in the corner of the living room, angrily sipping a Cosmopolitan. Draco wondered if Snape had mistaken this party for a funeral; his ensemble consisted of black jeans, a black T-shirt, and a black jacket, although, compared to most, he definitely looked very Muggle. Theo approached, whispered something in Snape’s ear, and then pointed enthusiastically at his own T-shirt. Snape didn’t so much as blink or acknowledge Theo’s existence at all.

At least Theo tried…

Blaise approached Draco as he made his way to the kitchen. “Phineas is telling people not to use the mint body wash, says it’s been cursed. Tell me, how cursed are we talking? I’m a Slytherin, so I expect a bit of risk when I come to parties, but I would prefer my cock stay attached to my body.”

“Mild curse, bit of burning, nothing a Slytherin can’t handle,” Draco told him with a grin. “Don’t do a Weasley on me and cry.”

“We find that insulting; we didn’t cry!” The Twin Weasleys called after him.

Excellent, new members!

“Of course you didn’t; I had every faith that you two would pass the initiation… I hope it was in Randy’s room, like we agreed,” he winked at them.

The kitchen had a Muggle-Repelling Charm to keep Muggle-sex-shop-legend Sarah out; Draco wasn’t sure how he would explain the existence of house-elves to her. That would definitely require a Memory Charm, and those were only to be used as a last resort. Upon entering the kitchen, he found Dobby standing on the kitchen island in his new Air Jordans that Hermione had bought for him to help alleviate her guilt for the blowjob incident.

“Mr. Draco, I mean, Clit, Sir! Should we send out the garlic bread?” Dobby asked him enthusiastically. House-elves just loved a party; it was their time to shine. When Draco had approached the house-elves at the Manor and asked if they would mind helping, they had practically begged him to allow them all to go.

“Absolutely!” he confirmed, taking a piece to sample.

Fucking delicious.

Upon noticing Kreacher scowling from a corner, Draco tapped Dobby on the arm. “Maybe give Kreacher a Cosmopolitan; looks like he needs it.”

“Kreacher is a bad elf; he tried to spike the Cosmopolitans with Veritaserum!”

Fucking hell.

“Kreacher, which one of the Slytherins asked you to spike the cocktails?”

“The stupid one.”

Bloody Theo.

Once he had dealt with Cousin Dobby, Draco decided to see how Snape was holding up. “Having fun?” he asked tentatively.

“I am only here because Potter promised to visit me every day for the next three months if I didn’t attend…”

Draco was about to respond, but Muggle-sex-shop-legend Sarah suddenly appeared, announcing, “Fluffy handcuffs, lots of fun!” and attached a pink pair to Snape’s wrist with a wink before dancing away.

Muggle-sex-shop-legend Sarah is just a gift that keeps on giving…

“Suits you.” Draco was failing miserably at his attempt not to laugh.

Potter, who had been watching at a distance, couldn’t fight his curiosity and came over to see what Muggle-sex-shop-legend Sarah had done to Snape. “Oh God, not a mental image I need, Sev,” he muttered, shielding his eyes to avoid looking at the handcuffs.

“If you call me Sev one more time, I am going to knock you out and send you to Indonesia to live with Nagini.”

“I thought we agreed it was your Muggle name!”

Lavender Brown stumbled into Draco, and he quickly steadied her as she slurred, “Ohh, Professor, didn’t know you were into such things,” pointing at the handcuffs.

She stumbled again, this time into Potter. “You’re strong; has anyone ever told you that?” she giggled as he held her up.

No more Cosmopolitans for Brown…

Female Weasley rushed over and, with an apologetic look at them all, said, “Come on, Lavender; let’s go and find you a Sober-Up Potion.” She pulled Lavender’s arm around her neck and dragged her towards the kitchen.

“Best party I’ve ever been to!” Seamus Finnegan came over to declare loudly, as though he wasn’t standing next to them. Unsurprisingly, the idiot had a Slytherin school tie around his head.

“Lose the tie, Finnegan. Statute of Secrecy, remember?”

“We’re Muggles,” Theo called from across the room, pointing at his T-shirt again.

“We are all Muggles!” Muggle-sex-shop-legend Sarah yelled, pointing at Theo.

“We told her that ‘Muggle’ is Bulgarian for really cool person…” Potter told him.

That was apparently all Snape could handle. “This party is ridiculous; where is Minerva?” he huffed, downing the rest of his Cosmopolitan.

“With Druella and Narcissa in the dining room,” Potter told him. Snape left without a word.

Hermione joined them, looking absolutely delightful in a knee-length black velvet dress. His crotch neighed happily as he pulled her in for a hug.

“Ginny is trying to persuade me to buy one of those,” Potter nodded at his crotch.

“They’re oddly comfortable; you wouldn’t know from looking at them,” Draco told him.

“I walked past Remus and Tonks on the stairs carrying some outfits,” Hermione said with a pained expression. “I’m not sure I needed these insights into everyone’s private lives.”

I wonder which outfits…

“CLIT!”

For fuck’s sake.

He looked over at Theo. “Are we playing truth or dare this evening?!” Theo yelled with his arm draped around Muggle-sex-shop-legend Sarah.

That little shit is going to fuck Muggle-sex-shop-legend Sarah!

“Maybe!” he called back.

“Hmm.” Hermione shot him a grin. “Maybe I can ask Narcissa to tell the room who Wendy, The Wicked Witch of Wendelsfield is…”

Draco returned her smirk and, without breaking eye contact, tapped her glass with his wand, muttering, “Aguamenti.” Her smile faltered as the glass slowly filled with water.

Potter snorted. “Fuck! Cosmo just came out my nose; don’t make me laugh when I’m drinking!”

“Better than cum,” Pansy said casually as she joined them.

“What?!” Potter exclaimed.

“I once made a guy cum so hard that it came out my nose,” she said with a shrug.

Oh, Pansy…

Draco caught Hermione giving him a suspicious look. “It wasn’t me!” he assured her quickly.

“I’m going to check on Frances. She was being a bad influence on McGonagall last time I saw her,” Hermione told him.

~~~~~~~~

Hermione Granger

Hermione dodged around the bodies in various states of inebriation dotted throughout the living room. She had asked Dobby to make sure there were Sober-Up Potions readily available to those who needed them; it was likely that the supplies would be significantly depleted by the time the party was over.

Theo pointed to his T-shirt as she went by, followed by Sarah yelling, “Muggle is my new favourite word!”

Definitely going to need her memory wiped.

… “on my dining room table!” Druella was saying. Hermione froze as Narcissa, McGonagall, and Snape stared at her.

Please no…

“Oh hello, Hermione, dear. Druella was telling us about how she helped you discover the Diadem Horcrux here on this very table…”

Oh, thank God.

“Oh yes, that’s right,” she confirmed to Narcissa.

“Wasn’t the only thing that happened on the dining room table, was it?” Druella smirked as Hermione felt her cheeks heat.

I hate Portraits.

“I should urm…” She spotted Dean and Seamus talking with Phineas’s Portrait in the corner… “check on what is happening over there.” Hermione gave them a pained smile and hurried away.

… “twenty thousand Muggle pounds, and they took him to a shipping centre…” Phineas was saying… “Can you believe it?”

“What’s a shipping centre?” Seamus asked, taking a gulp of Firewhisky.

“Ah, here she is,” Phineas declared, smiling at her. “Muggle-born… I mean, Granger, tell these fine gentlemen what a shipping centre is!”

What bloody rumours is he spreading now?

“A shipping centre? No idea, maybe a place where Muggles store ships?”

“What do you mean you have no idea? You took the Clit boy to one!”

Christ…

“Do you mean a shopping centre?!”

Phineas looked thoughtful. “You know, that does make a lot more sense.” A muffled neighing noise came from the living room. “DID YOU HEAR THAT?! I KNEW YOU HAD A HORSE, BUT THE RANDY BOY KEPT DENYING IT! Druella, I’m coming over to get a better look.”

“Phineas! I didn’t invite you; it’s very rude to impose on me like this,” Druella told him as he appeared in her frame, nudging her over whilst trying to peer into the living room.

Thank God there is a Muggle-Repelling Charm on this room; who knows what Sarah would make of the talking Portraits…

“I’m going to find Clit,” Hermione muttered, turning to leave.

“Granger!” She turned back to Phineas, who was squashed in next to Druella. “What is pegging then? I thought it was a shipping term…”

I want to die.

The room was silent until Seamus took pity on her. “Don’t you worry, Hermione; Dean and I can handle this one. Phineas, come back over here.”

“I didn’t think Draco would enjoy that kind of thing; Salazar knows his father didn’t,” Narcissa told them with a pleasant smile.

“Frances! Those are mental images of Lucius I most certainly did not need!” Minerva scolded.

“I also did not need them,” Snape drawled. “Although luckily, I occluded just in time.”

Luna dreamily wandered towards them. “Dobby said that you were discussing pegging in here. I love camping; what kind of tent pegs are you favourite?”

~~~~~~~~

Severus Snape

Azkaban would be better than this.

I’m going to have to scourgify my eyes later.

I wonder when I can leave.

These Cosmopolitans are nice.

MENTAL NOTE: Ask the Hogwarts house-elves to include Cosmopolitans during dinners.

“Professor…”

“No.”

I hate teenagers.

MENTAL NOTE: Find a new job.

Oh no, Potter’s coming…

“Enjoying yourself, Sev?”

Fucking Potter.

“Don’t call me Sev.”

I actually don’t mind it.

Why is he grinning?

“I bought you these; you seemed rather attached to them earlier.”

Not the fucking handcuffs again.

They were soft, though.

Fucking Potter.

“We don’t buy each other gifts.”

MENTAL NOTE: Buy Potter a Venomous Tentacula for Christmas.

~~~~~~~~

Draco Malfoy

“Do it again,” Draco giggled. Theo smacked his crotch, making it neigh, and everyone cheered, including Muggle-sex-shop-legend Sarah.

“Am I interrupting?” Hermione asked with raised eyebrows.

“No, we were just…” Draco cut off, spotting Weasley talking to Hannah Abbott. “RANDY! We need to wingman our fellow 3am Club member!”

Draco quickly kissed Hermione on the cheek and departed with Potter following close behind. He draped an arm over Weasley’s shoulders and, with a drunken smile on his face, said to Hannah, “Did you know Pubert slayed the worst and most powerful Horcrux?”

Fuck, Horcrux is a hard word to say after 12 Cosmopolitans.

“Yeah!” Potter chimed in. “Never seen anything like it; it was very impressive. The Locket of Salazar Slytherin himself!”

“Oh really?” Hannah’s eyes twinkled at Weasley.

“Urm, yeah… If Phineas says anything about a threesome, it’s not true,” Ron decided to inform her.

Hannah quickly made an excuse to leave.

“Fuck me, Pubert, we need to work on your flirting,” Draco told him.

~~~~~~~~

Hermione Granger

The last partygoer, who was physically able to leave, had left. She spent a while going around and checking on those who had passed out in various places, being sure to leave Hangover Potions and water next to them. Harry had to cast a Silencing Charm on the spare room; Theo was currently in there with Sarah, having a very nice time, it seemed.

“Dobby will clean, miss.” Dobby was dragging his feet along the floor, looking one second away from collapse.

“Go to sleep, Dobby; we can tidy this up tomorrow,” she told him softly.

“Thank you for the shoes, Miss; they came in very handy.” He attempted to lift his foot to point at his Air Jordans and nearly fell over.

“Sorry, once again, for anything you may have… witnessed,” she told him as he disappeared to his room.

Draco stumbled up behind her, his crotch neighing pathetically. “Are you mad at me?”

“No,” she laughed. “Why would I be mad at you?”

“I may have given Blaise a little blue pill that Muggle-sex-shop-legend Sarah recommended for erectile dysfunction, and he has been locked in your bathroom ever since…” He dropped his head against her shoulder.

Fuck my life.

She huffed a sigh. “Right, let’s make sure he is ok.”

“You’re the best, you know that?”

She patted his shoulder. “I am very aware.”

“Randy threw up in my favourite rose bush.”

Christ.

“It’s ok, we will take care of it tomorrow,” Hermione said, wondering which rose bush Draco considered his ‘favourite.’

“He also told me that Timothy was a pathetic name for a Tamagotchi.”

“Well that’s very mean,” she grunted, trying to support Draco’s weight as she helped him up the stairs.

“We should hex his taps.”

“What a brilliant idea; we will do it tomorrow,” Hermione assured him.

~~~~~~~~

Rodolphus Lestrange

I cannot believe they threw this banger of a party after I died.

What an absolute piss take.