Chapter Text
-1-
The sulphur in the air burned her lungs, which already threatened to choke on the death and decay permeating around her. But they were so close. To the archdemon, to the gods. They just had to push further.
The sounds of Harding’s arrows and Emmrich’s spells echoed around her, as she flung fire to the last boil blocking their path. Relief turned to pure terror as instead of the boil disappearing, it grew. She threw spell after spell, but it only seemed to absorb the power more.
No, no, no, this wasn’t supposed to happen. This couldn’t happen!
She turned, screamed for them to run, but a tendril caught her round the ankle. She struggled but was helpless as she was pulled closer into the monstrous boil. Listening to Harding’s yell and Emmrich’s cry of his many endearments towards her, nothing short of pain and terror.
She landed in the boil, flailing around as if in deep water, the fear of she’d carried since childhood. Her screams suffocated in her throat as the boil’s pus filled her lungs instead, the darkness and siren call of the Blight flowing through her veins, becoming one with it…
Rook shot awake, breathing coming out in panicked puffs, frantically running her hands over her clammy skin and eyes darting across her room in the Lighthouse, the blue glow of the tank striking her eyes. No blight, but her hands still shook and clenched into themselves, the panic remaining. A familiar song and dance that she had to guide herself through.
But the internal voices of anxiety and self-doubt were loud, reminding her of the failure that still happened under her watch at Weisshaupt.
Not good enough, not fast enough, not enough.
You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time during the civil war, you got lucky stopping the undead leaders, you barely did.
What makes you think you can take down ancient elven gods? Just because Varric said you can?
He just picked you up like a stray puppy, what did he really see in you, did he really see a hero?
“Rook? Darling? Are you alright?”
Her beloved’s voice broke through her racing thoughts. She turned to Emmrich, who had just roused himself and realized the state she was in.
“I…Emm…” Rook tried to reassure him. He was worried enough about her as it was most days. But she saw the alertness and concern grow in his eyes as she failed to even get his name out.
He cradled her cheek in his gloved hand, wiping away the tears that lingered from her nightmare. “Cali…”
The use of that first nickname, before taking on Rook, loosened her fists, but her breathing remained ragged. Her eyes darted away in shame at seeing the growing worry on his face.
“You’re safe, my love.” His other hand cupped her other cheek. “Here, with me.”
Then her head was being guided so that she rested against his chest. The many buttons of his shirt and the chain of his collar pin dug into her, but Rook didn’t move. She gripped his forearm, desperate for the anchor.
“Slow, deep breaths, dearest,” he instructed calmly, assuming the role of professor guiding a student through a lesson. “Slow.” His fingers carded through her hair, keeping her head in place. “Listen to my heartbeat, breathe in and out to its rhythm.”
Rook did as he said, the beat of his heart another anchor. She’d have thought it cliché in a serial, but as her breathing did finally slow and a sense of calm washed over her, she couldn’t deny the truth in it.
“That’s it, very good,” he murmured above her, pressing a quick kiss to her head. “Just keeping breathing through.”
Her eyes slipped close as her breathing returned to normal, sinking further into his chest, her body pressing awkwardly into his knee. Emmrich held her close with no complaint.
Rook lost track of the time sitting like this, basking in Emmrich’s presence and embrace. It came back to her, the nap she’d wanted before dinner, one she’d cajoled Emmrich into taking with her, just wanting to be held and drift off in blissful peace for awhile.
Got the opposite of it for her trouble.
“Thank you,” she mumbled.
“You need never thank me for caring for you, my darling.”
Rook exhaled, finally pulling her head away. The attacks hadn’t been that bad in awhile; her coping methods had been helping during her waking hours. But the stress of what they were facing, the wellbeing of her team and taking care of their personal business, keeping each region of Northern Thedas from falling apart…Rook would be lying if she said it wasn’t taking a toll.
Emmrich loosened his grip but his hands slid down to hers, the jingle of his many bracelets making her weakly smile at the absurdity of it in such a serious moment. He held her hands reverently on top of the discarded blanket between them. “Do you wish to discuss it?”
It took every ounce of will for her to hold his searching gaze. Rook could practically see the gears turning in his mind. She would have found it attractive any other time, not when it was trying to discover what had caused so bad an attack. He’d seen her reactions around crossing water, even soothed her after bad dreams before, but this was not the same.
“I’m fine, it was just a nightmare.”
Emmrich frowned, the one line of his forehead creasing whenever he grew serious or somber. “Darling…we both know that’s not true.”
She sighed in defeat. Her usual wittiness and deflecting sarcasm seemed to have left her, with only the truth of her nightmare and those damn invasive thoughts remaining.
What Rook remembered of the dream poured out of her, along with her doubts. She hadn’t been so open with expressing that, other than to Varric. Emmrich didn’t say anything, just occasionally pressing a kiss or two on the back of her hand when she trailed off or paused.
Her body sagged as she finished, ready to collapse again, their joined hands giving her the strength to remain upright.
“For what it’s worth, you’re not the only one to feel doubt.”
“I know. But I’m supposed to be the one to lift you all up.”
“Which can only be done if you take care of yourself, body and mind,” he replied kindly but firmly, with the hint of the stern edge he got when reminding her to eat or rest.
She began to turn her head away, but Emmrich guided it back to him, her hazel eyes meeting his.
“I didn’t say that to shame you, darling,” he said with an apologetic note in his voice. “Only that I know you carry the burdens of us all, mine included. But you need not carry yours alone.”
It’d felt like it for so long, hadn’t it? Before all this, there’d been no shortage being surrounded by people, or undead in the case of her time with the Mourn Watch. She was far from emotional stoic or unavailable with them, even had people she trusted and considered friends among the ranks, but true connection had been rarer to find. The circumstances of her birth were not unknown among the Mourn Watchers, after all. Creators, she was found in a crypt at birth and raised by them, how could it not be known? Many saw her as a curiosity, something to puzzle over, be in awe or fear of.
Being with her team, a group of people thrown together by apocalyptic circumstances, grown into family she could count on and trust…the weight didn’t have to be so isolating.
She brushed her thumb over his cheek bone. “Did I ever tell how sweet you are?”
Emmrich smiled, leaning into her touch, caressing her knuckles. “I believe you’ve mentioned it here and there.”
“Then I need to tell you more often.” She kissed him softly, hoping it conveyed how much his words and support meant. “Thank you, love.”
“Of course, darling.” He left a gentle kiss of his own. “Now, if you’ll permit me, I shall go and fetch Manfred. I’ve found fewer things soothe the spirit better than a fresh cup of tea.”
She chuckled, his enthusiasm for tea catching. “I’ll allow it.” Much as she wished to stay in his embrace, Rook couldn’t deny tea sounding good right then.
“And I’ll find out from Lucanis how much more time we have before dinner.” He rose from the couch, but not before clasping her hands together and kissing them one more time. “I shall return shortly, my darling.”
She closed her eyes as the door closed behind him and his footsteps grew fainter, cradling her cheek in her palm, already feeling the emptiness of him in the room. Some meditation was in order, when she was calmer, before bed.
Rook didn’t have to wait long before the door opened again and heard a familiar shuffle and clanging of a tea tray
“Hello, Manfred.”
Manfred gave a small hiss, an almost sympathetic and somber greeting as he set the tray down on the table. Rook wondered how much Emmrich had told him, or how much he picked up.
“Now don’t be getting all sad on my account.” Rook glanced down at the tray, a genuine smile breaking out at the sight. “Not when you’re bringing tea, and cookies, and flowers.”
That earned her a more enthusiastic hiss.
“Better.” She smiled. Count on Emmrich to go all out just for tea.
Speaking of whom, he was not far behind. “Ah, excellent, Manfred, you found the butter cookies. Well done.”
With a pleased hiss and clap of his hands, he scurried off.
“He’s so precious.”
“I’m glad you find him just as endearing.” He sighed. “Though I do wish he would stop poking around the others’ rooms. I know it’s his curiosity getting the best of him, but he was fortunate that it was Neve’s this time. If it had been Taash, I fear they would not have been so understanding. Yet he continues despite my reprimands.”
“All part of growing up,” Rook teased. She plucked one of the flowers out of the vase. Not one of the Shroud’s Kiss as Rook thought at first glance.
Her breath caught as she realized it was a lily. Their conversation about favorite colors came back to her, along with his protest over white not being a color. Though not serious enough of one for him to forget how she was partial to lilies.
“And the flowers?”
“I picked them a few days ago. I’d intended to wait til I had more to make a larger bouquet, but now seemed like the appropriate time.”
Warmth spread through her, a constant sensation around him. How did she get so lucky? “You really are the best, you know?”
“That will always be gratifying to hear, my darling.” He pressed a tender kiss to her forehead, looking down at her with such fondness that had her smiling in kind. Creators, she really was besotted, wasn’t she? “Now drink up before the tea gets cold.”
She placed a quick kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Yes, Professor."
Rook then set in to enjoy a peaceful tea time with Emmrich until none of the earlier fear and anxiety or lingering tension in her body remained, the wave receding for the time being. Next would be another talk with Varric, and dinner and evening with her friends and necromancer.
It wouldn’t fix the world or the doubt within herself, but it’d help.