Chapter Text
There was a knock on her door. "Taash," Bellara called from the other side. "Are you okay?" Taash didn't respond. Instead she sat on the floor, her arms wrapped around her legs. This was stupid, she told herself. So what if Rook and Neve were fucking, or fucked and decided to not do it again. It was hardly her business, and if it really was fucked, as in the past tense like he said, it really didn't mean anything about what their relationship would be going forward. To even term their relationship as anything but that of coworkers had always been ridiculous anyway.
Her bedroom door opened and Bellara peered in. Startled to catch Taash's dark expression Bellara shouted, "Oh! I'm Sorry Taash," as she slammed the door back shut.
Taash sighed, deep and world weary. "What is it Bellara," no response. "You can come in."
Immediately, the door opened and Bellara was slipping in through the narrow crack she allowed herself. There was a beat of silence, where Bellara stood just before the entrance, hands held aloft and posture hunched, with her feet spread wide as if she had to be prepared to catch something. When she saw Taash on the floor she relaxed, but only a little, as she walked closer, light footed, approaching a wild beast instead of a friend. Taash knew not to read into it, Bellara was just like that; it still hurt.
"I... uh... I heard you yelling at Rook. Not that I was eavesdropping!" She interrupted herself with a shout, desperate to prove she were blameless. "I was just downstairs trying to figure out why the artifact in the library started working and I overheard..." Bellara crept even closer, still acting as if Taash might explode if not handled with the most delicate of touches.
Taash grunted in response.
Hesitantly, crouching down about a foot from her side, Bellara asked, "so do you want to talk about it?"
"No," Taash said, refusing to look at her, glaring off into the middle distance.
"Oh," Bellara said, pulling back swiftly, one hand held awkwardly in the air as if she had been about to reach out in comfort.
Taash turned to look at her. Her eyebrows were tented up and she was bitting her lip. Betraying her earlier resolve, Taash said, "it was stupid anyways."
"Oh," Bellara said, her expression smoothing, and a curious slant to her voice. "What was stupid about it?"
Thrown by the question the only thing Taash could think to say was, "it's stupid that I'm upset."
Bellara's expression pinched. "I'm sure that's not true. Rook has a way of being..." she trailed off, searching for a word. "Blunt," is what she eventually settled on and Taash wished she didn't. Frequently, she had been called that herself, and it was a trait she appreciated in Rook. Bellara using it disparagingly stung.
"That's not it," the statement hung heavy between them, Bellara clearly trying to work out what was it, without adding anything else. "I like Rook," she didn’t want to mention the gender stuff or Neve, so instead, "the feelings just not mutual I guess."
"Ohhh," Bellara said, drawing it out and her face smoothing. She was less worried now, confirming Taash's belief that this whole thing was stupid.
"Yeah," she said, looking back at the floor, "I'll be over it by tomorrow."
"Will you?" Bellara asked back, her tone unreadable. Taash could only stare at her, no idea what to say. "It's just, well, you sounded really angry, and I don't think you'd be this upset if you could get over it by tomorrow."
It was a fairly obvious conclusion, but one Taash was still surprised to have thrown in her face. With her mouth hanging open in shock Taash could only gape as Bellara peered at her intensely, refusing to fill the silence. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to center herself like he mother taught her. "I thought Rook was flirting with me, and that he was serious about it." She glanced over to see Bellara biting her lip with her chin jutting out, her hands fisting the fabric of her pants. Taash waited her out, but she only stared back, big eyed and impatient. Taash sighed. "I know he kind of flirts with everyone, but I guess because he tried so hard to make sure I felt comfortable and..." Tassh didn't want to bring up how he always took the time to explain things to her, "I guess the necromancy thing was an issue, and we were arguing about it, and then we started fighting about something else, and then," she helplessly gestured ahead of her, to where Rook had been standing not too long ago. "I needed space," she finally settled on; inadequate but no better explanation forthcoming.
Bellara nodded, and then hummed, and once she was sure Taash was done speaking said, "you said he flirts with everyone, but he doesn't flirt with the rest of us like he flirts with you. He just banters with everyone else, with you he gets all up in your space and physical." Uncharitably, Taash thought that was because being physically obvious was the only way she'd have ever picked up on Rook's flirting, and he was nothing if not accommodating when ensuring he was understood.
Instead of voicing that she shrugged.
Bellara wiggled some more—there was no other way to describe it—and said, "I don't really have relationship experience," her voice pitched up and her cadence sped, maybe embarrassed to admit it. "But did Rook say he didn't like you, because he seems pretty into you."
"He said he fucked Neve," tumbled from Taash's lips, too exhausted to stop herself.
Bellara's surprised, "What!" came out as a squeak.
Taash regretted saying it at all.
There was a beat of silence--just enough time for Taash to feel remorse and decide this wasn't that worth getting upset over; not right now at least--and then she shrugged. "Yeah, Rook said, he and Neve did it."
Bellara's eyes were blown wide, "No way," he voice breathless.
Taash didn't like gossiping about other people, especially in situation like this, where the subject was uncomplimentary and they couldn't defend themselves. It always made her think about the doubtless, countless times she was the subject of other's conversations. She took a deep breath. This was about getting advice from Bellara, at this point it had to be because what else fucking justified this? With that thought she took the plunge, "He said, that him and Neve decided they were better as friends." She could feel Bellara hanging off her every word. It made her sick. "Rook wanted me to talk to Neve about something personal, and it was pissing me off because I'd rather have talked to him. I asked him if they were fucking and I meant it to hurt I guess. I wanted him to feel bad for trying to push me and Neve to get on."
"Maybe," Bellara started, breathless and forced to stop because of it. With a great gasping breath, she said, "Maybe you should talk to Neve?" It came out as a question, her voice pitching up, high and anxious. "I'm guessing this is private. Well I mean, I know this is all private, but I am guessing that whatever it was with Neve is even more, so he probably had his reasons?"
"Probably," Taash responded, her voice dry and hopeless.
"Neves not a bad person." Taash looked back to Bellara, who was picking at the stitching on her shoes. She glanced up and made eye contact. Taash looked away. "Elgar'nan and Ghilan'nain's dragons were attacking both Treviso and Minrathos at the same time. Rook had just gotten back from recruiting Davrin and there wasn't time to think about it. He had to make a choice, and well Rook sent me and Harding to go help Neve, while he Davrin and Lucanis went to Treviso." There was a pause, before quieter, her voice hushed in grief, Bellara said, "You heard what happened to Minrathos."
It made sense why Neve had left, even without the context of Rook failing to choose her, but "Why didn't he go with Neve? I mean they are obviously close, even if they already decided to only be friends."
Bellara chewed her lip. "I think, it's because Rook couldn't bring himself to choose Minrathos."
"What do you mean?"
Bellara looked at her with a pinched expression and Taash instantly felt like she said something stupid. "Things used to be a lot worse there you know. Its only been in the last few years that the Dalish have been able to actually travel in Tervinter and even then its still very dangerous." She glanced away. "I think maybe..." She trailed off.
"You think?" Taash prompted her after the silence hung a little too long.
"Neve cares a lot about Dock town. I think maybe that is why they decided they wouldn't work out. I don't think Rook can bring himself to get invested in anything in Tervinter. There is just too much history."
Taash thought about it, but couldn't really wrap her mind around the idea. It was stupid. The people in Dock Town weren't responsible for that shit that the magisterium did. It wasn't the fishmonger's fault that slavery was still legal. The dockhands had no say on the distribution of wealth. Majority of people in Dock Town where just trying to live their lives same as everywhere else, and to damn them just because of the government that oppressed them too was full of racist shitheads, wasn't right. Obviously Treviso was just as deserving of help, but to suggest that this decision was one Rook made easily made her sick. Rook did say he had bad opinions about things a voice whispered inside her. "I guess," Taash said, feeling the sentence out, "I should talk to Neve."
Bellara grabbed her hand, a tight squeez that was over so fast Taash didn't even have the time to react. "I think that is a good idea. She probably could give you advice about what is going on with Rook too. She knows him a lot better than I do."
Taash could only grunt in affirmation, as Bellara pulled away, and went to exit the room. At the door way she stalled, said "Good luck," and gave an awkward wave before making a complicated expression and then hastily retreating. Leaving Taash to stare at the closed door, more confused than she had been before. With a groan she got up and stretched, Bellara did manage to calm her down at least. She didn't know when Neve would be returning to the lighthouse, but there was no point in waiting around idle, she had free time so she'd better use it she thought to herself as she, reached up to grab the horizontal bar on the scaffolding in her room. Her morning workout had already been delayed by hours, so best to get to it.
***
Despite Rook's best efforts of continuing on as normal, it was obvious something had happened between him and Taash. The forced, if completely appropriate and polite, distance between them had everyone looking at her funny. There were questioning glances cast Rooks way as well, but he managed to ignore them with a practiced ease that left Taash jealous. Everyone had to know it was an act. His change in behavior was too great to be natural, but he managed to keep continuing on as if it were. She always knew he was a good actor, but even knowing what happened she found herself doubting her own recollection.
Rook and Emmrich continued to get on spectacularly. Every time she saw them in passing—returning from some mission he didn’t even ask her on despite having rotated everyone besides Emmrich who now seemed a permanent feature of Rooks adventuring parties—they would be deep in discussion about something or another. It wasn't always about necromancy and magic, sometimes it was about art, about galleries in Nevarra, gossip about the nobility, and sometimes even the banal, like food. Given that the pair was always coming and going, Taash felt like she couldn't grab a moment with Rook by himself. Interrupting a conversation with Emmrich was unthinkable in how awkward it would be, and checking Rook's quarters at night always yielded no response. Part of her wanted to argue that Rook did say he'd give her space until she was ready and honestly she didn’t know if she was. It wasn't like casual sex was a new concept—she'd taken up temporary bed fellows herself—but whatever was going on between Rook and Neve didn't look casual.
This left Taash with only one option, one she still hated to consider, ask Neve what was going on. She didn't really know what to say, breaking up with a guy because he let you face a dragon attack on your own was objectively a great reason to dump him, and it wasn't like Taash wanted them to get back together, or to even hear more details about what happened, just something had to give and Taash had a sinking feeling it had to be her.
In the last week Neve had more or less moved back into the light house occupying the tower next to Bellara, and Taash had heard them come in together from the eluvian, so she knew Neve was there, but that didn’t help her rally and knock on the door. She didn’t want to talk about the gender stuff, what she wanted to know was what the fuck were Rooks, "bad opinions," other than staring at Neve's tits he didn't seem like a misogynist and Taash was drawing a blank when trying to think of what else he could possibly have bad opinions about.
In the end Taash didn't knock, instead Neve opened to door and was greeted by Taash's glower. "Oh!" She exclaimed, quickly schooling her shock, "did you need something?"
Taash grunted, looked away into the void of the fade and said, "Rook said we should talk."
"I see," Neve said, drawing the words out a smile tugging at her lips for some reason. "I was just going to grab a cup of coffee, but that can wait. Why don't you come in?" She pushed to door open further for Taash who despite herself, stomped in.
Wisps were floating around everywhere, giving the room a mystical look. Neve leaned back on her desk and gestured vaguely around her room, "take a seat if you'd like, I know there's not much space."
"Right," Taash said, looking around and then not taking a seat. Forcing herself to make eye contact—really just looking at Neve's eyebrows—she said, "Rook told me I should talk to you about gender stuff."
Neve waited her for a moment to add something, but when it became apparent that Taash had nothing else to add she said, "Of course. I'd be happy to answer any of your questions."
Taash didn't know what questions she had. The silence stretched and Taash in a rush to say something before it snapped, before the whole situation became to awkward--she was the one that was imposing on Neve by being here afterall--blurted out the first thing that came to her mind. "I don't want to be a man."
Neve's expression didn't even change. With no inflection or raised voice she said, "Alright. Did people used to think you were a man before?"
"No!" Neve did widen her eyes at that. Wrestling her voice back down to an acceptable volume Taash said, "Rook said I could be a man if I want to because that's what he did, but I don't want to be a man." She looked away at the ground, "I'm just really bad at being a woman."
Neve hummed, her expression evening out, "there is no right or wrong way to be a woman. I assume Rook told you I was trans as well?" Neve asked, not stopping already ready to move on, like Taash knew what the fuck that meant.
Interrupting the start of whatever Never was about to say, Taash injected, "what does trans mean? Rook didn't say that."
With eyebrows raised, Neve said, "I see, what exactly did Rook tell you?"
Taash groaned. She hated this. She hated being the last one to know something. Rook had always been so good at explaining stuff to her and to realize he left her out of the loop about something hurt. "Rook said he used to be a woman but didn't like it so he decided to be a man, and that if I don't like being a woman I can decide to be a man too."
She didn't know what was wrong with the statement, but it left Neve with her eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she squared he shoulders back and her expression moved out. "Right," she muttered, almost to herself. "Trans is an abbreviation of Transgender. It can mean different things for different people, but as a general definition it means you aren't comfortable with the gender you were assigned at birth. In Rooks case that meant he used to be a woman but transitioned to become a man. For me it means that I was always a women, but people didn't see me that way until I physically changed myself, or in different terms transitioned. I used to look quite masculine so I used spells and potions to change that, but you don't have to change yourself to be transgender. You don't have to become a man to be transgender, you can simply choose not to be a woman, and if changing how you dress or look makes you uncomfortable you don't have to do that either."
"If I don't change anything about myself how is that any different than just being a woman?"
Neve hummed, and reached her hand up to cup her chin, tapping her index finger on her lips. "It's about what makes you comfortable in the end. For me and Rook we both weren't comfortable in our bodies or how we were perceived by others until we changed ourselves, but it's not like that for everyone. Some people might change the way they dress, or use different pronouns, but remain physically the same. These people, if they choose to claim the title, are transgender too."
"I don't get it." Taash admitted. "Saying your something different and not being different is just lying."
Neve let out a soft huff of air and almost crossed her arms, but then aborted the gesture and braced them behind her on the desk. "For most trans people calling themselves such is liberating. It can be freeing to reinvent yourself and abandon the pressure of following social expectations that don't serve you. Of course there are people out there that won't respect you, or insist that you are one gender or the other because of how you look or act, but you don't need to conform to these expectations, and that is true whether you decide to stay as you are or if you want to experiment or change."
Taash thought about it, it kind of made sense, but she wasn't sure how changing how you referred to yourself would help anything at all. If fact she was sure she wouldn't know how she really felt about all this until she had some time to think about it on her own. Neve was giving her space, giving her the time to think of her next question, and Taash realized there was something she really wanted to know. "Rook said he had bad opinions about this, do you know what he meant?"
Pursing her lips Neve looked off to the wisps floating by the window. "I don't know exactly," she said slowly, considering each word before she let them pass her lips, "but I know Rook tends to consider things in the extremes." She finally looked back at Taash, "Rook is either all or nothing, good or bad, black and white. I don't know what Rooks bad opinions are, but it may be that he is aware that he is drawing lines that no one else can see."
"If he knows he is doing that, why doesn't he change?"
Neve sighed and shook her head. "I don't know Taash. People are complicated and do things that don't make sense all the time." She looked back out the window, "maybe making those boundaries bring him comfort, maybe he thinks the world should conform to how he thinks it ought to be," her frustration was building, her volume increasing, her expression twisting into a snarl. "That everyone else is wrong and he is the only person that's right." Neve allowed her eyes to wander back to her, her lips pulling tight and pressing together in a tight line. "I don't know why Rook makes the choices he does, you'd have to ask him."
Taash thought about how Neve and Rook had something going on, and Rook still didn't save Dock Town; he picked Lucanis instead. Bellara said it wasn't that simple, and she was right, but that wouldn't make it hurt Neve any less. Choosing to change track, and not leave that immense weight for Neve to deal with, Taash tried to back track in the situation. "So some people aren't men or women, how does that work?"
Neve let out a great gust of air then smiled, "It depends on the individual. I have an acquaintance that is non-binary, I could perhaps arrange a meeting between the two of you?"
Taash thought about it. She didn't want to talk to another stranger about this, but all of Neve's answers were so vague—part of her just wished Rook would explain things. "I'll think about it," Taash said, perhaps having thought on the answer too long.
Neve's smile changed a little, but Taash couldn't tell how or why. "Of course, take all the time you need. I'll be here if you have any more questions."
"Right," Taash said, her voice awkward even to her own ears. "Thanks," and then she was out the door and on her own. She should have said goodbye, she realized standing out in the courtyard but it would have been weird if she went back now. Struggling with herself, she decided to go back to her room and work out, that at least was easy.