Chapter Text
Another successful night.
It’s the first thing Buck thinks as he quietly closes the door behind him, willing with all his might that the complete stranger that owned said door would sleep though his sneaking out.
It wouldn’t matter to him even if it did.
Nothing really matters and now that Buck knows that, a cool sense of bliss fills his soul.
In the end he will always be alone, the lesson was a hard pill for Buck to swallow. So many years of being scared of fading out of the lives of the people he loved was a hard thing for Buck to get over.
Then it happened, the one person Buck had given all trust to, the one he thought would be there until the bitter end, chose to leave him.
And Buck understood why it had to be done. Eddie had to put Christopher first, Buck also would do anything to make the boy happy. He would do anything to make either of the Diaz boys happy. It was his biggest blessing and fault in life.
However, now that they were gone, Buck had chosen never to give his heart and life over again. He would forever do what was needed for his family, even go to the grave for them.
But now, Buck had sworn life would become careless.
Buck’s life now consisted of mindless fun. Not bothering to attach himself to anything or anyone to avoid inviting in stress.
The last time Buck ever felt this free had to be before Abby came into his life.
But he wouldn’t think about that. He wasn’t becoming Buck 1.0 again, more just knowing nothing matters.
Example one.
Sneaking out of a random, beautiful man’s house, hopping into an Uber to a 24 hour shift, still trying to shake the taste of said beautiful man from his mouth.
Buck wouldn’t let the shame of walking into the firehouse feeling like death warmed over from too many shots the night before, send him into a spiral. Why should he feel shame? He had been through so much during his twenties, Buck should be expected to go out and do some crazy things. After all he was hot single firefighter exploring a whole new side to his sexuality.
“Buck! Remember you have to pick up Maddie and Chim’s gender cake by noon on Friday.” Hen’s voice calls from where she sits in the ambulance doors. She had one of the clipboards she and Chimney has hidden from Buck, it was littered with pink and blue sticky notes. It was clear she should be taking inventory of the ambulance but was stressing out over the gender reveal party happening this weekend.
“On it Hen, stop stressing!” Buck calls back, barely turning back to look at her as he heads to the locker rooms. “Everything will be perfect.”
Hen rolls her eyes at Buck’s carefree attitude. It was becoming more annoying than clipboard Buck and she could see right through the façade he was playing.
Buck was like a little brother to her and she could see just how much Eddie and Chris’s leaving was affecting him. There was no fighting his new outlook on life though, because she knew that sooner or later, and no matter what anyone could do, Buck was going to crash.
She’d seen it before and there’s a good chance she would be there to help pick up the pieces.
Buck could also sense that Hen was onto him, though once again he reminded himself that nothing matters. Eventually she would stop caring so much. Something else will come up that makes Buck’s problems nothing more than an afterthought.
So he presses on.
Shift after shift that week he presses on.
Buck couldn’t help but cheer as the weekend arrived and not one thing went wrong that week. Not one soul was lost on their shifts. His attitude changing the way his mind worked during a call. Following orders to a T because what was the point in throwing his all into it?
He’s there to do the job and that’s what he would do.
However, as he is sat in his loft, scrolling through one of his many dating apps, trying to find another mindless fuck to soothe his boredom and kill some time before he has to prep for the party tomorrow, his phone buzzes in his hand.
A little mindless annoyance builds in him as the photo of the gorgeous man on his screen is replaced by caller ID.
It soon vanishes when Eddie’s picture flashes on the screen.
Buck hardly hesitates to answer.
Eddie’s calls are few and far between now. He was busy with his new life in Texas and Buck understood that, it would be pointless for him to care when really what could he do about it? Why get upset about something he couldn’t change.
“Hey buddy! Long time no see!” Eddie grins when the face time connects.
Buck settles back into his recliner, kicking his feet up onto the table before him. Any need to find that mindless fuck going from his head as he stares at the man he loves.
“Hmm, coming from the man who is so hard to contact…” Buck shoots back.
Eddie’s face twists into a brighter smile. “Oh, I’m just busy working on something Buck… don’t tell me that you miss me?”
“Miss what exactly? Brooding and sarcasm?” Buck wasn’t sure when the grin on his face took over the misery he wore before.
That’s just the thing with Eddie, he barely had to try anything to make Buck happy. Sure they’ve had their moments when things got heated, back before Buck even understood his feelings for the other man, but when it came down to it, there wasn’t much Eddie could do to upset Buck.
Eddie’s face twists into a matching grin. “Oh you absolutely miss me Buckley.”
Buck rolls his eyes but doesn’t try to argue the point, nor does he agree because Eddie already knew how much Buck missed him and even trying to simply word it would have Buck spurting more information than he needed to.
“How’s things with Chris? You said that he agreed to meet for a chat finally… did that happen yet?” Buck asks, changing the subject from dangerous territories.
To his surprise, Eddie’s smile did not falter, in face it seemed to grow impossibly wider.
“He stayed the night afterwards, Buck! It wasn’t even late, he just said he would stay and even though it’s still early days, we’ve been speaking more and more… he even took my side against my mother.”
Buck feels his eyes widen.
That was in fact as big of a deal as Eddie was making it out to be. Eddie has been gone for close to two months, and no matter what Eddie suggested around his family, his mother would say the complete opposite and have Chris on her side. Things must be getting better between them and truly, Buck could see it on Eddie’s face.
That haunted look he had sported before deciding to move, before he spoke to that priest and decided to do things that would make him happy.
Well that look was now gone.
And the sight of it should make Buck happy.
The man he loved more than anything was happy, happier than he had been in a very long time. Buck should be celebrating and filled with his own joy.
The happiness for his best friend was there, buried deep inside a place he couldn’t touch, because the thought that this move was the right choice for Eddie was painfully clutching his heart.
But no one could say Buck wasn’t a great actor (not including all those hotshot fans that roasted him alive online). “I never doubted this would happen, Eddie. You are an amazing Dad and you’re showing Chris just how much you love him… he was bound to see it over time.”
Eddie ducks his head, hiding the tears Buck knew were growing behind his eyes. “I can’t thank you enough for helping me do this Buck. You will never understand how much it means to me.”
Buck notices that Eddie purposely keeps his eyes hidden away from the camera as he speaks. Almost as if Eddie were trying to hide something, hoping Buck wouldn’t see something hidden in those doe like brown eyes.
The very eyes that Buck missed being focused on him. Having Eddie looking at him through a camera didn’t quite have the same feel.
“Chris has been asking about you, so maybe the next time you’re free we could all catch up properly?” Eddie asks swiftly, not allowing Buck the chance to think of an answer to the previous comment.
Buck nods his head sadly. He’s been on call with Eddie and Chris before when they’d been out of state, but those times Buck knew that his boys would be coming home. Now he’s not sure when he will get to see them again.
Chris was getting older and Buck wasn’t sure how much longer the kid would have any thoughts or feelings for him. Buck himself couldn’t name any of his own father’s friends.
Even if that situation wasn’t the same.
“Well, next day off is tomorrow but we’ve got Maddie and Chim’s gender reveal party and I’m the cake supplier-“
Eddie snaps his head back towards the camera, eyes bugging out of his head. “Maddie’s pregnant again?”
Buck freezes.
“Yeah?” The question slowly comes out, confused at Eddie’s lack of knowledge.
Eddie looks struck for a moment, as if he had been hit over the head with something heavy. “No one told me…”
Buck chuckles. “You must’ve known Eddie? They told everyone last month at the stat-“ his words filter off.
Of course Eddie didn’t know. He’d been gone and everyone that Maddie and Chimney wanted to tell the news too were already gathered at the station.
Eddie huffs out a breath. “I’m gone two months and already I’m out of the loop.”
Buck could hear a longing in Eddie’s voice and a look of grief could be seen on his face, even through the camera.
“I’m sorry Eddie! Things have just been so hectic, Bobby was already looking for your replacement and now he’s got people trapesing through the firehouse for both you and for someone to cover Chim’s paternity leave.” Buck holds the phone up higher so Eddie could really see his face. “I promise you though, I will give you every update I can from now on, including tomorrow so you can be prepared for all the annoying uncle pictures and videos coming your way.”
Buck threw in the little joke, hoping to make Eddie smile, but the hurt look on Eddie’s face doesn’t seem to fade.
“Yeah… thanks Buck.” Eddie sighs before rubbing a hand over his face. “Look… I gotta go, I’m taking Chris for breakfast in a few hours.” Eddie motions a hand towards him. “But let Chim and Maddie know I’m happy for them.”
“Y-yeah sure… call you soon yeah? Hopefully with Chris?” Buck throws out, desperate to keep the other man on the phone for a little while but knowing it was a last cause. Eddie was shutting himself off and without being there in person, there wasn’t much for Buck to do.
Eddie tries to smile. “Of course, goodnight Buck.”
The call ends before Buck could reply and he’s left staring at his screen.
The man he had been looking at before now looked downright awful after seeing Eddie.
It didn’t stop Buck from matching with him.
Another night another mindless fuck.
Because nothing really matters anyway.