Chapter Text
Severus sighs as he slowly makes his way through the corridors of Hogwarts. His mother had painted this place as a sanctuary. Stories of safety, happiness, love, and friendship.
About how he would learn more than he could ever imagine. Magic, potions, creatures, and things she couldn’t even begin to list the entirety of.
About how he would love it here.
She was wrong.
Severus hates it here.
He hasn’t made anywhere near the number of friends she had promise he would.
He has…had Lily but he royally fucked that up. He had Lucius and Narcissa before they graduated and taken over the duties as Lord and Lady Malfoy. So he tries not to bother them.
And he has Regulus, but there’s only so much they can do together, being two years apart.
And everyone else in the school either hates him and ignores him.
For varying reasons.
He’s a Slytherin. (So was his mom and she’s amazing! So is Slughorn and while he’s not the nicest man he’s far from the devil the others paint the other Slytherins as).
He's greasy. (He’s a poor potioneer. The fumes are nasty on hair).
He’s poor. (He can’t help that and no one teases Lupin for his patched clothes!)
He’s friends with Lily. (So are a lot of people. She attracts friends in droves.)
He studies the dark arts. (So did the elder Black.)
He’s “friends” with Mulciber and Avery. (Allies is more apt. He already has to be on the look out for attacks in the halls and classrooms. He'd like not to have to be on guard in the dorms too.)
He exists. (He won’t after tonight.)
He’s been thinking about it for a while now. It’s not like he has anything to live for. His mom died over the winter Holidays and he’d barely survived those remaining days after, living with his dad. The months long summer would surely see him dead by the end of it anyway.
And they leave for the summer in three days. That’s not enough time to come up with any other plans.
He can’t strike out on his own. He has no money. No marketable trade yet. He’s only just done his OWLS and his NEWTS aren’t for while.
He’s got people pressuring him to meet a “very powerful and influential” friend. He knows who they mean. The same way he knows what those thick dark sleeves they now wear hide. The same way he knows that some of the people he shares a dorm with have been killing muggles for fun.
And contrary to what Potter and Black seem to think, he does not hate muggles. He hates one specific muggle.
His dad.
And he doesn’t even hate his dad for being a muggle. He hates his dad for being an abusive drunk who hurt his mother.
And he hates Petunia because sometimes she makes Lily cry. But not enough to want her dead! That day with the branch was an accident. He didn’t mean to make the branch fall. He just wanted her to go away and his magic did the rest!
But he does not hate all muggles.
Lily’s parents welcomed him into their lives with open arms. He would never want the things that are happening in the paper to happen to them!
But he can’t speak of his feelings. Not when it could put him in danger of being attacked in his sleep.
They’d probably even kill him.
And no one would care.
He’s been show how little his life matters and all it took was a visit to the Shrieking Shack under the full moon and Dumbledore’s vow afterwards.
He doesn’t know if Black was honestly hoping to kill him. He probably never would know for sure. But Severus had been very close to death that night. At the end of Lupin’s very sharp teeth.
And he hadn’t been afraid. He’d been happy.
Happy to have it finally be over.
Happy that maybe his death would change things. Perhaps finally the four boys who tortured him would face some consequences.
But no. Potter had pulled him out. And Severus isn’t naïve enough to think that it was about him or that Potter suddenly grew some morals.
He knows damn well that Potter only did it to save his and his friends arses.
It’s in the hospital wing that he realizes why he wasn’t afraid.
And it was then that he decided he wouldn’t be leaving Hogwarts alive.
He’s broken from his thoughts by finally reaching the owlery.
He’s never actually been up here. Why would he? He has no one to write to. His dad would shoot a owl down the moment it got too close to the house. Regulus would just talk to him in person. And when Lucius or Narcissa write him he responds back and gives the note to their owl.
But tonight he has a letter to send to Lucius, and Regulus but Severus plans to slip that one under the door on his way back to bed.
He selects Regulus’ owl. Lucius would recognize it and immediately open the letter. Plus Regulus had given him permission to use his owl.
The owl in question states are him as he approaches. Taking a moment or two before recognizing him and perking up.
Like the rest of the Blacks, the owl that Regulus owns is as insane as the rest of them. Often times landing on his owner’s plate or in some poor first year’s hair.
Regulus’ parents had tried to get him to take a different bird but the pair had grown attached which is why the bird doesn’t try to attack him when he secures the letter to her leg. She recognizes him as Regulus’ friend.
“Hi…I’m sorry I don’t have a treat for you…but I’m sure Lucius Malfoy will have plenty available for you,” he murmurs. The bird butts her head against his arm until he’s giving her some gentle scratches.
Satisfied with her bribe she takes off into the night sky and Severus sighs softly. This is why he loves animals. They know you better than you know yourself and if an owl likes him then there must be something inherently good in him.
But it won’t change how tonight will go.
With the letter sent there are only two more things for him to do.
He quietly returns to the dorms. Moving silently through the halls. Gryffindor had a lengthy match against Ravenclaw earlier. The last of the year. Meaning he doesn’t need to fear running into Potter or Black. And if they aren’t strolling around then Lupin and the last one won’t be either. As those two don’t usually initiate.
Not that those four matter anymore. Not after tonight.
He makes it to the dungeons and past rows of dorm rooms until he reaches the one he is looking for.
Regulus is a deep sleeper. Something about Sirius’ shouting being so loud that Regulus had to learn to sleep deep otherwise he wouldn’t sleep at all. His friend won’t wake till morning and by then…it’ll be too late.
Lucius won’t get his letter until morning, too late to do anything.
He had even mailed a letter to Lily’s parents. They would decide when their daughter would get to read it.
He didn’t want to…want to leave things as they are. Even if she never forgives him he wants to be able to apologize to her. He won’t leave here with any regrets.
Merlin forbid he come back as a ghost and be trapped here forever as a ghost.
Once he’s slipped the letter under Regulus’ door he returns to his own room.
Avery and Mulciber are already asleep. The pair of them snoring so loud it sounds like a muggle lawnmower.
Reaching behind his nightstand he retrieves the vials that he stuck there for safe keeping. It has taken weeks to steal enough ingredients and sneak up to the astronomy tower to brew these potions. Only being able to sneak out to brew when he knew the Gryffindors were too tired to do be roaming the halls.
Before he can lose his nerve he uncorks the two vials.
First he downs the poison. It’s not going to be as quick as he would like but it was the only one he could make with the ingredients available to him.
Once he’s swallowed the poison he knocks back his second potion. His enhanced potion to induce euphoria.
If he is going to die he would like to do so happy.
He’s been unhappy for so long he’d like to remember what it’s like to be happy.
With that all taken care of he lays back in his bed, his stomach already burning as the poison begins to take effect.
First will be the burning.
Then it will enter his blood stream.
Then him heart.
Then finally he will be free.
He wishes it hadn’t come to this but he’s not afraid. He made his peace with the idea of dying while staring into a pair of yellow eyes and snapping teeth.
Slowly, as the burning continues, he closes his eyes.
A smile on his face as he slips off into sleep.
A sleep he won’t wake from.