Work Text:
Form 3949-A
Department of the Treasury – Internal Revenue Service
Information Referral
Use this form to report suspected tax law violations by a person or a business.
Section A – Information About the Person or Business You Are Reporting
Name of individual: Wei Wuxian
[see demographic info]
Section B – Describe the Alleged Violation of Income Tax Law
Alleged violation of income tax law: ☒ Unreported income
Briefly describe the facts of the alleged violation: Wei Wuxian won $X,XXX at Lotus Casino in Yunmeng, and I’m positive he did not report it on his tax return or pay any taxes on it.
Additional information:
Are books/records available? ☒ Yes
Do you consider the taxpayer dangerous? ☒ Unknown
Section C – Information About Yourself
Your name: Jiang Cheng
[see demographic info]
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
[address]
To: Wei Wuxian
[address]
We are proposing changes to your 2024 Form 1040 tax return. This is not a bill.
Proposed amount due: $X,XXX
[see details of proposed changes]
We received information from third parties that doesn’t match the information you reported on your tax return.
This notice: 1) Proposes a change to tax and/or payments and credits that you originally reported. 2) Provides you with an opportunity to agree or disagree with the proposed changes.
If our information is correct, you will owe $X,XXX (including interest), which you will need to pay by [date].
Wei Wuxian
[address]
To: Lan Wangji
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Taxpayer Advocate Service
[address]
Dear Esteemed Public Servant,
I am contacting you in your capacity as the national taxpayer advocate to inform you of a terribly concerning and probably fraudulent letter I received that claimed to be from the IRS. The impersonator in question proposed I pay thousands of dollars, as if I would fall for such a cheap trick!
I take mail fraud very seriously, so I am alerting you to this suspicious piece of mail so you can increase vigilance on your end and seek justice for a poor, innocent taxpayer such as myself. Your website says you are committed to ensuring every taxpayer is treated fairly, so I expect that you’ll prosecute this fraudster to the fullest extent of the law and compensate me in the amount of $X,XXX as a reward for identifying and reporting this wrongdoer.
I look forward to hearing from you!
With a passion for justice,
Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Taxpayer Advocate Service
[address]
To: Wei Wuxian
[address]
Dear Taxpayer,
Thank you for your letter. To verify whether the notice you received was an official IRS document, visit your online account on IRS.gov to see if there is a copy of it on file. If you believe the notice is not legitimate, you can report the incident to the Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration. There is no monetary reward for reporting a suspicious letter.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
National Taxpayer Advocate
Internal Revenue Service
Wei Wuxian
[address]
To: Lan Wangji
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Taxpayer Advocate Service
[address]
Dear Benefactor,
I can’t believe you actually sent a letter back — via the Postal Service and everything. How quaint! I of course do not have any idea how to access this “online account” you speak of, nor do I know what IRS.gov is. Is that the name of a new virus? I don’t want to get mixed up in all that. Let’s just operate under the assumption that the IRS has no business sending me any mail, so it must be fraudulent.
Can you report this matter on my behalf to the Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration? Tell them I’m very concerned about the state of our country’s Internal Revenue Service if anyone with a printer and some stamps can just go around impersonating a government agency. How can I, as a law-abiding taxpayer, feel confident about my tax contributions if I might fall victim to a vicious scam?
With a keen eye for fraud,
Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Taxpayer Advocate Service
[address]
To: Wei Wuxian
[address]
Dear Taxpayer,
Thank you for your letter. IRS.gov is the official IRS website. If you are a new user, you can create an account to view your balance, payments, tax records and other details. I cannot and will not make any reports on your behalf.
If the letter you received was a CP2000 form proposing changes to your tax bill based on third-party information, follow the instructions on how to respond. You can mail your response directly to the IRS to avoid concerns of fraud.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
National Taxpayer Advocate
Internal Revenue Service
Wei Wuxian
[address]
To: Lan Wangji
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Taxpayer Advocate Service
[address]
Dear Malefactor,
I don’t know what a website is, and I don’t want to view any of those things, actually. I am a little hurt that you won’t report this on my behalf, after all we’ve been through! I’ve used three whole stamps on you! Did you notice that they’re Halloween-themed? Are you a fan of themed stamps or do you think they’re tacky for professional correspondence? I ask because I’ve noticed that your stamps are really boring, but I’d be happy to send you some specialty ones in my next letter, as a reward for resolving this matter on my behalf.
CP2000 sounds like the name of a robot and not something I would receive in the mail. Here is my response: I disagree! Vehemently! I don’t see why the IRS is coveting my money so much. Don’t you already have plenty? Why are you trying to take advantage of a poor, righteous taxpayer like me?
Let’s just agree to let bygones be bygones and forget this whole robot thing, and I’ll forget the IRS trying to defraud me.
With a heart of compassion,
Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Taxpayer Advocate Service
[address]
To: Wei Wuxian
[address]
Dear Taxpayer,
I have looked into this matter. You received form CP2000 because a third party reported income that you did not list on your 2024 tax return. The proposed changes are based on undisclosed gambling winnings that count as taxable income. If you disagree with the proposed amount, fill out the response form that came with the notice.
I will not accept bribes of stamps or anything else to resolve any matters for you. Additionally, the IRS is not trying to defraud you but rather determining whether you are evading your tax responsibilities.
There is no need for us to correspond further.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
National Taxpayer Advocate
Internal Revenue Service
Wei Wuxian
[address]
To: Lan Wangji
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Taxpayer Advocate Service
[address]
Dear Robot Wrangler,
Enough with all this CP2000 nonsense already! Clearly, that mysterious third party has malicious intentions that are leading you astray. Would I, a humble taxpayer, dare withhold information from the mighty Internal Revenue Service? Would I be so bold as to shirk my duties as a citizen of this country and violate the social contract that binds us all together? I think not, my good sir!
I don’t wish to respond to the IRS letter in question, because isn’t acknowledging such an audacious accusation just admitting guilt I have no cause to feel? Instead, I must turn to you, my only safe harbor in a sea of IRS sharks just waiting to tear my hard-earned money from my bank account. If I did engage in any successful gambling, which I of course did not and would never, why would that be the government’s business anyway? Must the IRS be involved in every facet of my existence? Is my income tax not enough to satiate the beast?
I actually think gambling is a societal evil, and I would never engage in it. Along with this letter I’ve included a photograph of myself that demonstrates my ethical and socially responsible nature so you can see I would never fall prey to such an activity. Whenever I see a casino, I think about how it should be torn down to build a rehab center for abandoned guinea pigs or a zombie apocalypse disaster relief center.
How are fun stamps a bribe? They’re merely an attempt to bring some whimsy to your dull desk job life as a tax official. I’m helping you out of the kindness of my heart!
With an unrelenting spirit,
Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Taxpayer Advocate Service
[address]
To: Wei Wuxian
[address]
Taxpayer,
Responding to the CP2000 notice with your disagreement is the only way to begin the process of resolving this matter. If you ignore it, you will receive a follow-up notice.
I am not interested in your gambling or alleged lack thereof. I do not understand how a photograph of you and a cat is supposed to provide any useful information, so I am returning it to you.
Your time would be better spent cooperating with the IRS as your tax situation is investigated. Please do not send me any more letters.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
National Taxpayer Advocate
Internal Revenue Service
Wei Wuxian
[address]
To: Lan Wangji
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Taxpayer Advocate Service
[address]
Dear Uncooperative Comrade,
Surely you must know that telling me not to send you letters makes me want to send you letters even more. I have to restrain myself to only write one at a time, eager as I am to show off my stamps to you. I notice you have yet to offer any compliments, but I can read between the lines of your correspondence and recognize your implicit admiration for them.
In the same vein, I can psychically sense your appreciation for the photograph I sent. I assume you photocopied it and hung it on your cubicle wall (or do they give you your own office for having a fancy position?) before coyly returning it to me. Don’t worry about sending a photo of yourself in return; I’ve already googled you at length and am highly impressed with the results.
Of course I need to address my grievances with you, my loyal friend, rather than some faceless, nameless IRS denizen awaiting my response letter. How can I hope for them to truly understand me and my tax situation without a rapport like the one we’ve built? Given our epistolary bond cemented by the diligent efforts of the Postal Service, it’s only right that you investigate on my behalf to see what snitch invented this gambling myth to smear my good name. Clearly, they are operating with nefarious purposes and want to set us at odds, but we can’t let the villains win! I’m innocent until proven guilty, which I will not be, on account of my innocence.
With a zest for retribution,
Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Taxpayer Advocate Service
[address]
To: Wei Wuxian
[address]
Taxpayer,
Do not read between the lines of my letters. Everything I wish to express is conveyed within the lines. I am not interested in your stamps, nor your photograph. Do not address me as “friend.” Additionally, it is inappropriate to ask me to investigate anything on your behalf.
Third-party reporting does not mean someone has “nefarious purposes.” The CP2000 form is generated by an automated system when your tax return does not match other documents that have been sent to the IRS, including W-2 forms. If you received a W-2G form from the casino for your winnings, it would also have been sent to the IRS. With that on file, the system would detect a discrepancy in your reported income.
Once again, you must address this discrepancy by responding to the instructions on the CP2000.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
National Taxpayer Advocate
Internal Revenue Service
Wei Wuxian
[address]
To: Lan Wangji
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Taxpayer Advocate Service
[address]
Dear Educator,
I’m reading between the lines that you like when I read between the lines of your letter. Isn’t it amazing that we are so mentally aligned? It truly makes for seamless communication even in such an archaic format as paper mail.
Is “friend” not strong enough for you after all the stamps and envelopes you’ve spent on me? Since you’re so passionate about this, I’m willing to upgrade to sworn brotherhood. Let me know when we should hold the ceremony. Now that we’re so close, I do understand the conflict of interest you face, so I’ll only ask you to keep doing an investigation on the down low.
I’m not comfortable with my personal, private data being handled by some automated system with unknown intentions. For all you know, one day you’ll turn around and it will have developed the capacity for artificial intelligence and be plotting to defraud taxpayers worldwide. I think the IRS should avert this inevitable disaster by just ignoring everything the system has to say and deactivating it immediately.
W-2G sounds like yet another collection of random letters and numbers that you’ve made up to mess with me. I don’t recall ever stepping foot in a casino or receiving a W-2G, so I have to assume I’m being framed. Maybe someone who looks exactly like me (but slightly less handsome, naturally) committed identity theft by pretending to be me in a casino, and this form was sent to the IRS in error. How are you going to let a lousy doppelganger besmirch my reputation?
However, I do appreciate you taking the time to teach me about IRS protocol. I can tell you sincerely care about my well-being and want to help me find a way to free myself from these baseless rumors and accusations.
With a desire to learn,
Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Taxpayer Advocate Service
[address]
To: Wei Wuxian
[address]
Taxpayer,
Do not interpret my words as an interest in your well-being. I do not wish to be “friends” — let alone “sworn brothers” — with a suspected tax evader. Furthermore, your concerns about the automated system are ridiculous. The notice you received proposed changes so you have the opportunity to review them for discrepancies and make your case to a human IRS agent. To date, you have failed to respond per the instructions on the notice.
A W-2G form is used to report winnings from gambling. I have confirmed that the Lotus Casino in Yunmeng submitted a W-2G form for Wei Wuxian of [address] on [date] reporting the amount of $X,XXX in winnings. You are also required to report this income on your tax return, which you neglected to do. If you have concerns about identity theft, I suggest you visit IdentityTheft.gov to report it and contact the casino to get whatever documentation you can to prove that you were not the recipient of these winnings. This situation does not fall within my purview.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
National Taxpayer Advocate
Internal Revenue Service
Wei Wuxian
[address]
To: Lan Wangji
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Taxpayer Advocate Service
[address]
Dear Sworn Brother,
First of all, “suspected tax evader” is a hurtful way to address your new best friend! Especially when your new best friend is a victim of such a heinous crime as identity fraud. Someone is out there impersonating me for the purposes of being good at gambling and evading taxes! Shouldn’t you show me some sympathy? I will accept your sympathy in the form of closing my case with the IRS and clearing me of all suspicion for the 2024 tax year and every subsequent year.
If I were this fraudster — which I’m not, obviously — I would simply donate my winnings to charity and be free of my tax obligations that way. Aren’t I generous and ingenious? Tragically, I have no such winnings I can donate to charity, because I’ve probably never set foot in a gambling establishment in my life. I suspect my skin would instantly shrivel from all the sin befouling the air in such a place!
With a penchant for philanthropy,
Wei Wuxian
Lan Wangji
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Taxpayer Advocate Service
[address]
To: Wei Wuxian
[address]
Taxpayer,
Gambling winnings must be reported as income even if you donate them to a charitable organization. You can deduct qualified charitable contributions as itemized deductions to reduce your taxable income, but that does not guarantee they will offset the taxes owed on your winnings.
I advise you to respond to the CP2000 notice per the instructions and consult a tax accountant. This will be my last letter, as I have no desire to correspond further.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
National Taxpayer Advocate
Internal Revenue Service
Lan Xichen > Lan Wangji
Lan Xichen: How did it go?
Lan Wangji: I should not have let you organize a blind date.
Lan Xichen: It was that bad?
Lan Wangji: You set me up with a particularly audacious tax evader.
Lan Xichen: How did that come up? And why would he admit that to you of all people, given your job?
Lan Wangji: I know him from work.
Lan Xichen: In what capacity?
Lan Wangji: As a tax evader.
Lan Xichen: Hm. So I take it you’re not going to see him again?
Lan Wangji: I am.
Lan Xichen: Oh?
Lan Wangji: To force him to pay his taxes.
Lan Xichen: Oh
Yunmeng Trio!
Jiang Yanli: So?????
Wei Wuxian: a-jie u set me up with the irs agent pen pal i’ve been slowly torturing to insanity
Jiang Yanli: Oh!
Jiang Yanli: What?!
Jiang Cheng: Average wei wuxian pastime
Wei Wuxian: the irs is trying to bully me about unreported income so i’m bullying them back, one hot taxpayer advocate at a time
Jiang Cheng: I’m employed what does this mean
Jiang Yanli: So you think he’s hot!
Wei Wuxian: that’s a given
Jiang Cheng: Can we go back to the part where you’re antagonizing a government agency for some reason
Wei Wuxian: they started it
Jiang Cheng: By asking you to pay your taxes?
Wei Wuxian: by accusing me of underreporting my income!
Jiang Cheng: Didn’t you?
Wei Wuxian: what i did or didn’t do is none of their business
Jiang Cheng: I think by definition it is
Jiang Yanli: But how did the date go???
Wei Wuxian: it’s hard to say tbh
Jiang Yanli: Are you seeing him again??
Wei Wuxian: oh yes i think so
Wei Wuxian: whether that’s on a second date or in tax court, it’s too soon to say
Jiang Yanli: You’re being taken to tax court???
Wei Wuxian: not yet!
Jiang Cheng: Just pay your taxes
Wei Wuxian: i did! and now they want MORE
Wei Wuxian: i only have so much to give
Jiang Cheng: Then you shouldn’t have gone to a casino
Wei Wuxian: how was i to know that i would have such good fortune
Wei Wuxian: the irs is punishing me for my success and i won’t stand for it
Wei Wuxian: how do u know this is related to the casino anyway??
Jiang Cheng: Because I reported you to the IRS, obviously
Jiang Yanli: A-Cheng!
Wei Wuxian: more like JUDAS
Wei Wuxian: wait but lan zhan said it was the casino that reported my winnings
Jiang Cheng: I’m sure they did too but I wanted to be extra certain they’d investigate you
Wei Wuxian: why?!
Jiang Cheng: Because you broke my TV and it pissed me off
Wei Wuxian: oh yeah!
Wei Wuxian: i meant to put it back together but i forgot
Wei Wuxian: that’s my b
Jiang Cheng: Also we used all the same slot machines but only you won anything, so it was definitely all rigged
Wei Wuxian: i’m naturally blessed
Jiang Yanli: Okay so maybe in future let’s talk things through before we escalate conflict to the IRS
Jiang Yanli: Also, A-Xian, I think you should give Lan Wangji a chance! Opposites attract, right?
Jiang Cheng: An IRS agent and a tax evader is not exactly Romeo and Juliet
Jiang Yanli: It’s better! No one needs to die!
Wei Wuxian: i’d rather die than pay more taxes
Jiang Yanli: ???
Wei Wuxian: i’m like 60% joking
Wei Wuxian: maybe if he falls in love with me he’ll give me tips on how to evade more taxes in future
Jiang Cheng: Why do you even want to evade them? Aren’t you the one always spewing nonsense about an equitable society and shit?
Wei Wuxian: i can’t believe ur holding my personal political ideals against me in my battle against the irs
Jiang Cheng: You’re not in a battle with the IRS you’re just a lunatic
Wei Wuxian: for ur information, both can be true at once
Wei Wuxian: i’m of course opposed to rich people not paying taxes, but i don’t see why the irs needs money from the meager winnings i made on the slot machines! don’t they have better things to do?
Jiang Yanli: Maybe on your next date you can tell Lan Wangji about how you do believe in paying taxes!
Wei Wuxian: ok well i did tell him tonight that i believe in a tax-free society with no government or public institutions or social safety nets so i have some retractions to make
Jiang Cheng: Why tf would you say that
Wei Wuxian: i thought his reaction would be funny
Wei Wuxian: and i was right!
Jiang Yanli: Hmm...next time, I think it would be better to accurately represent your views
Jiang Cheng: I can’t imagine a tax collector would be very impressed with an anarchist
Wei Wuxian: the modern dating world is so hard...
Jiang Cheng: It’s probably easier if you’re not a pathologically lying tax evader
Wei Wuxian: and what do you even know?
Jiang Cheng: Shut up
Wei Wuxian: a-jie i’m questioning ur taste in blind dates but i’ll give it another go
Wei Wuxian: he is very beautiful, after all
Jiang Cheng: Ick
From: [email protected]
Subject: Google Calendar Invitation: Second Meeting @ [date, time]
Location: Gusu Public Library
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Second Meeting @ [date, time]
the library???? is this your way of telling me i talk too much and u would prefer to sit in total silence?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Second Meeting @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
It is funded by taxpayer dollars.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Second Meeting @ [date, time]
ohhhh so it’s a civics lesson about the importance of paying taxes? but how will i get to experience the full breadth of ur wisdom if we’ll be in danger of the librarians shushing us?!
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Second Meeting @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
There are books to read.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Second Meeting @ [date, time]
so ur idea of a date is to sit in silence reading books about civic obligations?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Second Meeting @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
Per the invite, it’s a meeting, not a date.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Second Meeting @ [date, time]
how many taxpayer-funded buildings do we have to visit together before we unlock the date upgrade
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Second Meeting @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
We should visit as many as it takes for you to understand your responsibilities as a citizen. I will arrange for a docent-led tour of City Hall next.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Second Meeting @ [date, time]
would it change ur mind if i said i have seen the light about the importance of taxes and have agreed to the proposed changes from that notice?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Second Meeting @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
Have you?
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Second Meeting @ [date, time]
no but it’s becoming more and more tempting by the minute just to get out of a boring city hall tour
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Second Meeting @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
I’ll see you at Gusu Public Library at the specified meeting time.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Second Meeting @ [date, time]
if u say so!
Yunmeng Trio!
Wei Wuxian: i think i broke him
Jiang Cheng: Who and why is it my problem
Wei Wuxian: lan zhan!
Jiang Yanli: Weren’t you going on a second date? What happened?
Wei Wuxian: technically, it was a “meeting,” not a date
Wei Wuxian: i went on a bit of an impassioned rant about the government misappropriating tax dollars to fund war crimes, etc etc, u get it
Wei Wuxian: and then we got kicked out of the library
Wei Wuxian: i’m not sure which part was more alarming to him, the ethical quandary or the reprimand by a librarian
Jiang Cheng: A-jie said to be honest about your political views, not to go insane and send him into shellshock in a library
Wei Wuxian: instructions were unclear
Jiang Yanli: Well, it’ll make for a memorable second date story! Will there be a third?
Wei Wuxian: there will be a third meeting indeed, at city hall
Jiang Cheng: WHAT
Jiang Cheng: YOU CAN’T MARRY AN IRS AGENT YOU JUST MET
Wei Wuxian: why not? we have so much in common
Jiang Yanli: ?!?!?!?!?!?!
Wei Wuxian: unfortunately it’s nothing so exciting as an elopement
Wei Wuxian: wait if i marry an irs dude does that mean he’ll do my taxes for me
Wei Wuxian: suddenly things are looking up
Jiang Yanli: What are you going to city hall for, then?
Wei Wuxian: civics lesson
Jiang Cheng: Wtf
Wei Wuxian: that’s my feeling about it too
Lan Xichen > Lan Wangji
Lan Xichen: So...?
Lan Wangji: Don’t ask.
Lan Xichen: ...
Lan Wangji: We were asked to leave the library for excessive noise.
Lan Xichen: Did you have an argument?
Lan Wangji: Wei Ying has a lot of opinions about the use of tax dollars.
Lan Xichen: Yikes...worse than you thought?
Lan Wangji: No.
Lan Xichen: Better?
Lan Wangji: He’s still in violation of tax law, which must be rectified, but his broader political opinions are more defensible than anticipated.
Lan Xichen: So...you like him!
Lan Wangji: I have to go. Goodbye.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Google Calendar Invitation: Third Meeting @ [date, time]
Location: Gusu City Hall
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Third Meeting @ [date, time]
i was holding out naive hope that u might be joking about the guided tour. what ever happened to the classic dinner and a movie?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Third Meeting @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
I will not have dinner with someone who has outstanding tax obligations.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Third Meeting @ [date, time]
technically u already have! so what’s another time, really?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Third Meeting @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
I will not knowingly have dinner with someone who has outstanding tax obligations.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Third Meeting @ [date, time]
u drive such a hard bargain, lan zhan. if i succumb to the evil schemes of the internal revenue service, will u at least buy me dinner?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Third Meeting @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
Pay your taxes and find out.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Third Meeting @ [date, time]
now why is that kinda sexy...
Lan Xichen > Lan Wangji
Lan Xichen: Third time’s the charm?
Lan Wangji: The docent suggested we were better suited to a self-guided tour.
Lan Xichen: LOL
Lan Xichen: And what led to that?
Lan Wangji: He asked a barrage of questions she did not know how to answer. I imagine she was embarrassed by her own lack of knowledge.
Lan Xichen: Wei Wuxian must be quite an impressive person!
Lan Wangji: Mn.
Yunmeng Trio!
Jiang Yanli: I’m on tenterhooks here waiting to hear if it went well!
Wei Wuxian: it really depends how you define “well”
Jiang Cheng: Did you get thrown out of somewhere again?
Wei Wuxian: we were politely asked to leave the tour at city hall!
Wei Wuxian: the tour guide was afraid of me exposing her inadequacy
Wei Wuxian: so i gave lan zhan a personal tour instead
Wei Wuxian: it’s hard to say whether he was impressed with my efforts or just vexed
Jiang Cheng: You couldn’t tell from his facial expression?
Wei Wuxian: you’re only asking that bc u haven’t met lan zhan
Jiang Yanli: He is a little stoic!
Wei Wuxian: that’s like saying a nuclear bomb is a little destructive
Wei Wuxian: do u think he’ll smile at me if i pay my taxes
Jiang Cheng: How is that the deciding factor in whether or not to pay the money you are legally mandated to pay
Wei Wuxian: well if i’m gonna do it i wanna get something out of it
Wei Wuxian: am i just supposed to pay my taxes out of the goodness in my heart?
Jiang Cheng: You’re supposed to do it out of legal obligation actually
Wei Wuxian: i don’t fear the law
Wei Wuxian: but i do fear lan zhan will live in eternal angst if i don’t indulge him and how can i live with that on my conscience?
Jiang Cheng: Oh, well if your precious lan zhan will be upset, of course you should pay your taxes
Jiang Cheng: Do you even HEAR yourself
Wei Wuxian: no i do not, on account of we’re typing over text
Jiang Cheng: You’re the worst person I know
Jiang Yanli: I support you paying your taxes to win Lan Wangji’s favor!
Jiang Cheng: A-jie please don’t encourage him to be insane
From: [email protected]
Subject: Google Calendar Invitation: Fourth Meeting @ [date, time]
Location: Gusu Natural History Museum
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Fourth Meeting @ [date, time]
u r not even prepared for how many dinosaur facts i know. maybe seeing the dinosaur fossils preserved by our government will move me to tears and i’ll want to donate my hard-earned money to the irs
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Fourth Meeting @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
Tears are not necessary; fulfilling your tax obligations is. I look forward to your dinosaur facts.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Fourth Meeting @ [date, time]
if u buy me a smoothie u can unlock some rock facts too so just keep that in mind
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Fourth Meeting @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
I only give smoothies to law-abiding taxpayers.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Fourth Meeting @ [date, time]
tsk tsk tsk there u go again, emotionally manipulating me
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Fourth Meeting @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
I’m offering reasonable incentives.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Fourth Meeting @ [date, time]
i can think of a few other incentives that might convince me even more
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Fourth Meeting @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
Perhaps those can be discussed once you pay your outstanding tax balance.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: Fourth Meeting @ [date, time]
don’t threaten me with a good time, lan zhan
Yunmeng Trio!
Wei Wuxian: well
Jiang Cheng: What was it this time? You got banned from every public institution in the city?
Wei Wuxian: for ur information we didn’t get kicked out of the museum
Wei Wuxian: but i got into a mild disagreement with another patron
Jiang Yanli: You got into a fight?! What happened?!?!
Wei Wuxian: it was a verbal argument!
Wei Wuxian: being nine doesn’t excuse spreading misinformation about pterodactyls
Jiang Cheng: Lmao you argued with a kid?
Wei Wuxian: ikr what a jiang cheng-esque thing for me to do
Wei Wuxian: i would’ve let it slide but that rascal just kept doubling down on nonsense and everyone knows that’s MY thing
Jiang Yanli: Ahhh oops! Was Lan Wangji upset?
Wei Wuxian: his mouth twitched i’m 100% sure he wanted to laugh
Wei Wuxian: a win’s a win!
Jiang Yanli: That’s good then!
Wei Wuxian: i think lan zhan’s evil plan all along was to bewitch me with his silky hair and long eyelashes
Wei Wuxian: unfortunately...it might have worked
Jiang Cheng: Weak
Wei Wuxian: listen i’ve tried to resist but at the end of the day i’m just a man with eyes
Jiang Yanli: Does that mean what I think it means???
Wei Wuxian: wait and see!
Lan Xichen > Lan Wangji
Lan Xichen: I’m waiting to hear about the latest misadventure in civics instruction!
Lan Wangji: I seem to be losing sight of my original goal.
Lan Xichen: Haha don’t tell me Wei Wuxian has hypnotized you with his tax-evading charms? I never thought I’d see the day
Lan Wangji: If we’re in a relationship, I may even be better placed strategically to comment on his financial affairs.
Lan Xichen: Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?
Lan Wangji: I don’t know.
Lan Xichen: Well, you know I think you should follow your heart. If your heart is pointing you toward Wei Wuxian, that’s a good enough reason to give this a chance!
Lan Wangji: Mn.
Lan Xichen: Just think it over!
Lan Wangji: Mn.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Google Calendar Invitation: First Date @ [date, time]
Location: Cloud Recesses Restaurant
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: First Date @ [date, time]
eh? how is a restaurant government-owned? is it on a military base or something?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: First Date @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
No. It is a private establishment.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: First Date @ [date, time]
wait this is a date?! we’ve upgraded?! but it’s the weekend! how did you find out already? damn u tax collectors work fast do u have a hive mind or something
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: First Date @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
Find out what?
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: First Date @ [date, time]
i submitted my response to the c3po or whatever the hell it’s called agreeing to the proposed changes
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: First Date @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
I did not know that. I am happy to hear it.
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: First Date @ [date, time]
wait u didn’t know and u still wanted to go on a date with me??? omg...lan zhan...do u have a crush on me or something? that’s so embarrassing for u actually
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: First Date @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
And is it embarrassing for you that you paid your taxes for me?
Sincerely,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: First Date @ [date, time]
absolutely speechless...when on earth did u learn to tell jokes...i can’t believe this. we’ll have to discuss it over our non-taxpayer-funded dinner
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: First Date @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
I look forward to it.
Warmly,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: First Date @ [date, time]
btw will boyfriend privileges include u doing my taxes next year?
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: First Date @ [date, time]
Dear Wei Ying,
I’m not convinced you can be trusted to do them correctly on your own.
Warmly,
Lan Wangji
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Google Calendar Invitation: First Date @ [date, time]
somehow that’s the sexiest thing u have said to me thus far in our acquaintance