Archive of Our Own ^beta

“I’m not gay,” Eddie said, leaning forward onto his elbows, his untouched glass of Chardonnay before him. 

“I—“ Hen started, eyebrows furling as her gaze darted to meet her wife’s. 

Karen, hiding her confusion somewhat better, set down her wine glass, the yellow liquid only sloshing slightly, and said, “Oh-kay. Is there a reason you felt like you had to say that, Eddie? Because—“ she waved her hand to indicate both her and Hen “—we didn’t exactly think you were.”

“Yeah,” Hen agreed, recovering her composure. “You okay?”

It’s just–” Eddie scrubbed his palm over his forehead. “I’m so confused right now, and I thought…well,” he waved his hand at them vaguely, “You’re lesbians.” They both snorted but remained silent. “Maybe you could help?”

“With what?” Karen asked gently. She brushed a few locs behind her ear and then leaned towards him, expectant. 

“I think I’m in love with Buck,” he said tentatively, quietly, tasting the words in his mouth for the first time.

“You think…” Hen trailed off.

“I know I am.” This time it came out more firmly. He knew in his heart that it was true. He’d just never allowed himself to say it out loud before. Buck was like oxygen to him, something essential, but it had only been since Buck had jokingly told him that Tommy had called him “competition” that he’d really sat down to examine his feelings. 

Which brought him to his current conundrum.

“So,” Hen said sitting back in her chair, twirling her wine glass in her hand, “You’re confused because you’re in love with Buck–” 

“But I’m not gay! How the fuck does that work?”

She shrugged, her black and white checked jacket opening to expose a bright red top underneath. “Well, if you’re not attracted to men, could it be that you just love Buck platonically? He is your best friend, and it’s totally normal to love your friends.” She paused for a second, chewed on the inside of her cheek, and then, nodding to herself, continued, “I mean, do you want to sleep with him?”

Eddie blushed, staring fixedly at his hands in his lap, but said, “Yes.”

Smiling broadly now, Karen cut in, “Let’s be more blunt. Do you want to fuck him?”

The blush spread all the way down to his toes. His face felt like it was on fire, and a flood of heat shot straight to his groin in answer. His heart rabbited in his chest as he whispered, “Yes.”

“Okay then,” Hen said. 

“Excellent,” Karen echoed, tilting her glass towards him in a silent cheers before taking a long sip.

“So what’s the problem?” Hen asked.

“I’m not gay.”

“You don’t have to be,” she said calmly, tilting her chin up and gazing confidently just to his left, almost regal.

“I– What?” Eddie’s mouth hung open.

“Oh honey,” Karen cooed. She scooted her chair closer to him at the table. “There’s so much more than being gay and straight. Maybe you’re bi like Buck.”

“I don’t think…”

Hen leaned forward, crossing her arms on the table. She narrowed her eyes like she was trying to solve a particularly challenging puzzle. “You know, you don’t–”

“I think I know where you’re going with this,” Karen interrupted, “But I have a better idea!” 

“Oh no,” Hen frowned. 

Karen whacked her gently on the shoulder as she jumped up. “Oh yes.” She darted from the room and came back a moment later carrying a laptop and another bottle of wine. She set them both on the table. “We ply him with more wine to lower his inhibitions–"

“Ooooh, fancy word, babe.”

“Thank you,” she bowed, “And then we do some research.”

“Uhhh?” Eddie said eloquently.

Karen continued like he hadn’t even spoken, “We show him pictures and see how he reacts.”

“Perfect, let me get the corkscrew.” Hen popped up to grab it off the side table and immediately began opening the new bottle.

“Do I get a say?” Eddie asked, grimacing.

“You wanted our help, right?” Karen asked sweetly, batting her eyelashes at him, all innocence.

“Yeah.” 

“Excellent.” Her whole demeanor changed. She sat up straight, cracked her knuckles, and opened the laptop. She alternated sipping her wine, typing, and clicking the mouse. She’d gone from lazy wine night to excited in an instant. 

Hen gazed at her fondly. “She loves research,” she sighed, taking a sip. “You’ve made her so happy.”

Eddie frowned to himself, as he was now beginning to question bringing it up. How could this not be humiliating for him?

Loving Buck made sense. He was the most loyal, kind person Eddie had ever met. He’d been there for every important event of the last eight years, both good and bad, and Eddie couldn’t live without him. What he’d been doing in El Paso sure as hell hadn’t been living. He could barely function without him. Buck was joy and light and comfort. He made the world better. It made sense to love him. Anyone would. Everyone should.

Eddie was the one who didn’t make sense. How could he suddenly go from loving Buck as his goofy, wonderful best friend, the person he wanted to drink beers with but happily sent away at night, to wanting to attack him with his mouth and drag him back into the bedroom to hold forever? 

That didn’t make sense. How does a switch like that get flipped? And after eight fucking years?

Honestly, it made him feel creepy, especially since Buck made it obvious how ridiculous he thought Tommy’s words were. Competition?  He’d laughed, jokingly saying, “I guess Tommy didn’t know you at all, huh?”

The joke was on Buck, though. Apparently Tommy knew him better than both of them. Imagine being so unknowingly transparent. When had he fallen in love with Buck? How long had he stared at him longingly without knowing it? When had his appreciation for Buck’s fitness and dedication to health morphed into desire?

He had no fucking idea. He just knew that the second Buck had said the word, “competition,” his whole world had shifted on its axis. All of his memories of Buck, all of his feelings, everything rushed through him all at once, and the next thing he’d known he’d been sitting next to Buck on the couch watching the credits roll by for a movie he didn’t remember starting. 

That night was the first night Buck’s face (and body, let’s be real) had drifted into his thoughts when he’d taken himself in hand. It was now a regular occurrence. 

So here he was weeks later, a confused pile of single dad, resorting to bothering his friends for advice. If they were going to help, how could he turn it down?

“Alright Eddie, here you go,” Hen said, handing him his still full glass. “Bottoms up.”

Eddie blinked back to the present, sighed, and lifted the cup to his lips, taking a long sip. 

Here we go. 

Fifteen minutes later, they sat crowded behind Karen’s fancy laptop, laughing hysterically. 

“No. No. No. No more puppy photos!” Eddie gasped, gripping his stomach, suddenly worried the laughter might stir up the near half bottle of wine in his belly.

“What about this one?” Hen asked. “He’s pretty.”

Eddie stared at the actor, some guy from a firefighter show Karen had found on a Top 50 of Hollywood’s Hottest list. The guy had big muscles. He squinted. They looked flashy, not practical. “I bet he couldn’t pass the obstacle course.”

“Eddie!” Hen elbowed him. “Do you think he’s hot?”

Eddie finished the last sip of his current glass and then tipped it towards Karen for her to refill. She did so, and then he looked up at Hen. “He’s no different than the last twenty guys you showed me. They’re all objectively handsome, like I can see the appeal and why people would be attracted to them, but I’m…not.”

He looked at the blond man on the screen. He wasn’t all that different from Buck. Dirty blond hair. Blue eyes. Legs for days. Broad chest. Big shoulders and bursting biceps. 

“You see what I mean, though, right?” He took a big sip, letting the wine loosen his tongue even more. “This guy–” he gestured at the screen “–I’m not attracted to him at all, yet in almost all ways he’s just like Buck.”

Karen narrowed her eyes. “Oh my God, you’re right.” She and Hen both cackled. “Okay, okay. Nothing so far. We need to up the ante.”

“Umm.” Eddie was now nervous.

“It’s fine.” Hen bumped their shoulders together. “My wife is brilliant. She problem solves for a living.”

“Yeah,” Karen said, “It’s not like this is rocket science.” She snorted at her own joke, and Hen rolled her eyes. “I mean,” she continued. “This isn’t high stakes.”

“It’s not life and death,” Eddie said practically. He was a firefighter. It was easy to put things into perspective. His sexuality crisis was nothing on the grand scale. 

“No, no, no.” She didn’t look up at him, just clicked away at the mouse, typing different words into the search engine. “What I mean is that you already know you love Buck, and he’s a sure thing. All you’re really looking for is a label.”

Eddie opened his mouth to respond, but then her words sank in. What did she mean by that? Hen hadn’t batted an eyelash at her wife’s words, so she both understood and agreed with what Karen had said. Dare he ask?

Before he could, Karen said, “Alright, here we go. We needed fewer clothes.”

“What the fuck?” Eddie blurted out.

“I’m changing the variables. We need to cross everything off one at a time. So,” she pointed at the screen, “Clothed men didn’t do it for you. Does skin help?”

Eddie apprehensively turned towards the screen. She’d pulled up an underwear ad. A diverse group of nine men lounged around a staged living room wearing only white briefs. He only needed three seconds to answer, “Nope.” He collapsed back in his chair.

“C’mon, Eddie,” Hen groaned. “At least try. Even I can say those men are hot.”

“But do you want to sleep with them?”

“No,” she said indignantly. 

“Neither do I.”

“Touché.” She tapped their glasses together, and they both took a sip. 

“Okay, okay, but do you find them attractive?” Karen asked, trying to get back to business. 

“No more than the others.” Again, he could see the appeal, but they didn’t do anything for him. No physical reaction. In fact, the idea of sleeping with one was just weird. Even if he found one attractive, he wouldn’t want to sleep with him. Granted, he’d never been one to go around ogling women and immediately thinking about sleeping with them either. That just wasn’t him. 

“Hmm.” Karen frowned at the computer, dropping her chin into her hands. “You are a puzzle, Eddie Diaz.”

“Sorry,” he said, shrugging. 

“Oh no.” She laughed. “I like puzzles. This is fun.” She clicked around a little more, rocking her head side to side. “Would you indulge me?”

“Aren’t I already?”

“Shut up.”

“Mmm…mmmm...mmm…mmm,” he hummed at her, not opening his mouth.

She threw him an exasperated look and huffed, “Fine then. Just nod.”

He cocked his head to the side, showing as many teeth as he could in a broad grin. When she raised her eyebrows at him and ducked her chin with her "mom" face on, he nodded before smirking back at her. 

She returned to her computer screen, mumbling to herself about “ridiculous, drunk men,” and he returned his attention to his wine. He was on glass number four, and the alcohol had finally begun to settle in. He wasn’t exactly a lightweight since he and Buck drank a beer or two several times a week, but he rarely drank more than that at a time. Four was pushing past reasonable.

Karen turned the computer away from them, clearly wanting to reveal her scheme later. 

Eddie chuckled and leaned into Hen, resting his head on her shoulder. He whispered, “Your wife is something.”

“You have no idea.”

Karen kicked out at her, not taking her eyes off of the screen, lower lip caught between her teeth. 

“I meant that in the best way, babe.”

“Mmhmm.” The corner of Karen’s mouth quirked, but she didn’t look up.

Hen rolled her eyes fondly before leaning over and kissing Karen’s shoulder. Karen’s laser-focus dimmed, her eyes softening into something that could only be called gooey. She melted into her wife and dropped a soft kiss onto her bald head. Hen nuzzled in a moment longer and then sat up so that Karen could return to work.

Eddie’s chest ached. 

He loved Hen and Karen individually for themselves, but he especially admired them together, their relationship, how they could be both loving and teasing. They were fun together, and they set the bar high for what a marriage could be, for what it should be. He’d be happy with half of what they shared.

But alas.

He took another gulp of wine, the tart and the sweet rolling over his tongue in a sharp burst of flavor. He looked more closely at the glass. He should drink wine more often. Did Buck like wine? He should ask.

He pulled out his phone and shot off a quick text.

“What was that?” Hen asked, trying to look over his shoulder.

Eddie looked up from shoving his phone back in his pocket and frowned. “I texted Buck.”

His pocket vibrated at the same moment that Hen screeched, “You what? Oh Eddie, you’ve got it bad. Karen, he didn’t even make it an hour into wine night before texting Buck.”

“Of course he didn’t. Did you really think he would?” Karen said, not looking up, her focus back in full force.

Hen tilted her head, her gold hoop earrings swinging at the sudden movement. “No.” She laughed and shoved at Eddie’s shoulder. “And that was before we learned all…” she waved her hand vaguely at him “...this.”

“Not sure how I feel being referred to as a this.”

Hen pinched his nose, cooing, “You’re a cute this.”

“A disaster this, ” Karen added.

Eddie groaned, dropping his face into his hand and shaking it.

Hen rubbed his back but then pushed, “Well, what did he say?”

Sighing, Eddie pulled his phone back out and checked the notification. “Buck said, ‘Sometimes, why?’”

“To…” Hen said, circling her hand for more information.

Exasperated (or more likely embarrassed), he said, “I asked him if he liked wine.”

“You two are so cute it’s sick,” Karen said, still clicking away.

“What?”

Ignoring his question, Hen pressed, “You gonna answer him?”

“What is this? High school? You wanna write my response for me?” He pretended to hand her the phone.

“Yes!” She squealed, taking it before he could pull it back.

“That was a joke, Hen. C’mon.” He lunged for it.

“Uh uh. It’s mine now.” She thrust it in the air out of his reach and then jumped out of her seat. He followed, but she ducked into the kitchen, typing away. He caught up to her as she said, “Annnnnnd, send. Here you go.” She dropped it on the counter and bolted in the other direction. 

“What did you say?”

“Why don’t you look, loverboy?”

Heart racing, Eddie picked up his phone, the screen still on. The last message read:

          Just having the best wine night ever with the coolest people on the planet and needed to know if you were remotely as amazing as them

As he was reading it, Buck typed back:

          Hen got your phone?

He responded with a quick, “Yeah,” unable to contain his grin at the fact that Buck knew them all so well. 

Still smiling dumbly at his phone, he walked back into the dining room. 

“So what is your boy up to tonight that you could make time for us,” Karen asked, stretching her arms high overhead as she leaned back over the chair. The loose sleeves of her colorful geometric patterned dress fell down her arms, and she slid them back as she sat up, the soft, flowing fabric billowing out around her as she settled back into the chair.

“Hey, I make time for you!” Eddie said indignantly. “This is our third wine night since I got back.”

“Yeah,” Karen drawled. “And every time it’s been on a night Buck was busy, so… cough it up.”

Eddie pouted, wrinkling his nose, as he sat down between them. “He’s watching Jee so that Maddie and Chimney can go to Mr. Lee’s retirement party.”

“Told you so,” they said in unison.

“Oh shut up,” he said as they high-fived in front of his face. 

“Where’s Chris tonight?”

“Home. Enjoying being adult-free for a few hours.”

“Uuuuugh,” Hen groaned, sprawling back while leaning heavily into his side. “To have children able to stay home alone!” 

“We’re close, baby. I think Mara’s almost ready.”

“Me too,” Hen agreed. Her eyes glowed with pride at the thought of her daughter. She turned to Eddie. “We want to make sure she feels safe and confident first.” He nodded in understanding, as she added, “Though at least they can stay with my mom on nights like tonight. That’s been so helpful.”

Karen hummed in agreement.

“I have to admit it is nice,” Eddie smiled shyly. He was still getting used to it. Chris had gone to Texas a boy and come back a young man. “It’s a hell of a lot cheaper, that’s for sure.”

“Amen!”

He still had a trained caregiver spend the night when he was working, but it was so much easier to run errands and go out at night now that Chris was older.

“Alright.” Karen finished her glass of wine, rocking it towards Hen for a refill. When she had a full glass, she turned her computer around. “Next steps.”

“Huh?”

“Women.”

Eddie just stared at her. 

“Variables, Eddie, more variables.” She grabbed his shoulder and shook it. “We’ve established that Buck is the only guy who does it for you, right?”

“Yes.”

“And you know you like women?”

“Uuuuuh, yeah.” He was surprised that his voice lacked confidence. 

“Well, let’s see what we can see.” 

“Yesss,” Hen said, rubbing her hands together. 

“Hush you,” Karen said with a teasing glare. 

“Love you.” Hen added a loud “Mwah.”

“Pshhh. Go get another bottle of wine, woman.”

Hen laughed, stood, and then dropped a kiss onto the apple of Karen’s cheek before disappearing into the kitchen.

Eddie rubbed his chest. The ache was back. 

Instead of falling into pointless yearning, he turned to the screen. Karen had filled it with over a dozen pictures of different women–some famous, others from random articles. All beautiful, each in a different way. 

“Yeah?” Karen’s eyebrows waggled suggestively. “I was able to be a lot more particular with this set, seeing as how I have opinions on this one.”

His gaze roved the screen, and the longer he looked, the more it became obvious that he didn’t feel any different about these photos. “Ummmm, they’re beautiful.”

“I feel like there’s a ‘but’ in there somewhere.”

“Where’s a butt?” Hen asked, setting an open bottle of wine on the table.

“Not that kind of butt, love.”

“Damn.”

Eddie laughed, grateful that something silly could break the tension winding him up inside as he learned fundamental things about himself in his mid-thirties. 

Embarrassing.

Karen looked expectantly at Eddie.

“It’s…the same. I can appreciate that they’re attractive. I recognize that they are beautiful. I’m not blind. But that’s...it.” Somehow realizing that felt weird and right all at once. 

Karen closed the laptop and interlaced her fingers in her lap, all business. ”How many girlfriends have you had, including Shannon?”

“Does Kim count?” he asked, cringing internally. 

“That’s up to you.”

“Four with her, three without.”

“And, sorry to pry, but you slept with them?”

“Except Kim.” He nodded.

“And liked it.”

“Well, yeah, of course.” He willed himself not to blush but probably failed. 

“Hmmm.” Karen sat back in her chair, picking up her glass. She tossed her hair back and pursed her lips in thought.

“Isn’t my wife hot when she’s in detective mode?” Hen asked, a soft smile lifting her lips.

“Sadly, I think we just established that I don’t think anyone is hot.”

“Except Buck.” Hen chuckled, holding up her glass. 

He clinked theirs together and repeated, “Except Buck.” 

Fuck, and Buck was hot. The last few weeks had been… Well, he’d been steamrolled, like his body was making up for eight years of not noticing all at once. Just thinking about Buck made him break out into a sweat. Being near him? Talking to him? Actually looking at him? Eddie had taken to standing differently just in case he couldn’t control his body. His heart seemed to have a mind of its own now, racing away for the dumbest reasons (honestly, it had been a sponge, Buck had dropped a sponge, c’mon!), and a hoard of butterflies had moved into his stomach. They attacked like an armada, swooping around, exhilarating him, making him nauseous, carving out his insides so that it felt like he stood at the precipice of a cliff (because Buck smiled or texted him or brought him coffee).

He was in a state of heightened awareness at all times, and he couldn’t remember ever feeling this way before. 

He may have with Shannon but that had been ages ago. His memories of her were clouded by what came after and the complications that eventually overwhelmed them both. He remembered wanting to be near her all the time, loving the smell of her hair, wanting to hold her hand, wishing they could make out all night long. Those were happy memories.

And they all applied to Buck too. So…maybe. 

“If it’s too personal or too uncomfortable, feel free to not answer, but why Kim?” Karen asked seriously.

“She reminded me of Shannon. She practically was Shannon. I mean– She looked like Shannon, and I missed Shannon. I missed the magic we used to have. I missed feeling like my family was whole, like I could do better this time.”

“So it wasn’t really about Kim?”

“No. I barely knew her.”  The words felt heavy in his mouth. He couldn’t change the past, but he’d always regret walking into that store–for Chris, for her, and for him. 

“But she felt familiar?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I could recognize myself with her.”

“And how did you meet Shannon?”

It was beginning to feel like an interrogation. Even glazed over with wine, Karen’s gaze was piercing. He answered hastily, “We started dating in high school, but we met years before and had been friends.”

“Okay, and you knew Ana for how long before you asked her out?”

“A year-ish? We interacted for different reasons when she was Chris’s teacher–”

“You chewed her out,” Hen interrupted through a pretend cough.

“That and, you know, conferences, emails, etc.” He threw Hen a look. “Chris had a different teacher the next year. She became a principal, and then I ran into her at a call. Buck teased me about her for days. It was all very professional up until I asked her out.”

“Of course,” Hen nodded sagely, eyebrows scrunching as she pouted her lips. Eddie elbowed her.

“And Marisol?” Karen continued the interrogation.

“What about her?”

“Did you know her before you asked her out?”

“Well, yeah, I met her on a call.” He turned to Hen. “You know the house renovation with the siblings?”

“Uh huh. They were…something.”

“Hey!”

She held her hands up, placating.

“Well, anyway. We felt bad for destroying her house, so Buck and I went over there to help her out. Then I ran into her at a hardware store.”

“You asked her out then?” Karen asked.

“Nah, I called her later because my Tia kept bugging me about dating.”

“Would you have called her if you hadn’t felt pressured?”

Eddie thought about it. Would he? He’d enjoyed being around her. They’d had fun painting with Buck, and she’s exactly who his parents would want him to bring home. But had he really been interested in her at first?

“I don’t think so,” he finally said, a heaviness settling in his chest, “I did like her, though, don’t get me wrong. I think it just happened later than it did with Shannon and Ana.”

“Okay, last question Eddie–”

“Maybe–” Hen interjected, grinning, her eyes shiny with wine.

“Dating.” Karen raised her eyebrows and gave Hen a look, mouth slightly pinched and head cocked. Hen blew her a kiss and took another sip of wine, relaxing back into her chair with her jean-clad legs spread wide. 

Eddie envied her. He still sat tall, entirely on edge, both about Karen’s questions and the fact that he’d shared his feelings with them at all. He needed another drink. He refilled his glass and downed most of it in one gulp.

Karen chuckled at him but showed no mercy, continuing, “So, dating. Did you ever just hook up with someone? Like at a club? Make out? Fool around in the bathroom? Take someone random home?”

Eddie couldn’t help it. He burst out laughing.

“What?” Karen asked.

“When? When would I have done this? I am not the demographic for clubs.” He snorted through his nose, which just made him laugh harder. “I don’t think I’ve ever been to a real club. A bar, sure, but a club?”

“Well, why not?” She seemed genuinely perplexed. Her gaze floated from Eddie to Hen, who was also giggling–perhaps for the same reason as Eddie or maybe because Eddie’s snort had been so unexpected, she’d nearly fallen out of her seat–and back again. 

Hen curled forward, trying to catch her breath. “You’re on your own, sweetheart.”

He rubbed Hen’s back and said, “You must not know my history.”

She shook her head. “Not as much as Hen.”

“Okay then. Shannon was my first girlfriend. Then we got pregnant. Then married. Then I went to Afghanistan, and when I came home, she left. So, underage, married, war zone, and then I was single parenting a kid with high needs. Babysitters are expensive. Ones that are nurses are even more so. I work shitty hours, as you well know.” Karen inclined her head. “There was no time, and even if there had been, I wouldn’t have gone out because…parent guilt.” Both Karen and Hen frowned at that one, but they nodded knowingly. “Ana was the first woman I really looked at after Shannon died because, you know, I’d been married all that time, and I broke up with her because I wasn’t ready for change. All the women I’ve dated kinda fell in my lap. When your only free time is during the day on your off days while your kid is at school, it’s kind of hard to date.”

“No judgement, just a clarification, you’ve only slept with three women?” Karen asked. 

He nodded. 

“Only women you were in a relationship with first?”

He nodded again.

“And that, Eddie Diaz, is why you need to get out and have some fun!” Karen said loudly, clapping her hands and tapping her heels against the floor.

As infectious as her joy was, Eddie was skeptical. “I dunno. The last time I did that I woke up half naked in a bathtub, and Chim was missing.” He’d also spent the whole night with Buck, which made it safe and fun. Other people had been there, but Buck had been the focus of his attention.

“Yeah,” Hen howled at his side. “That’s true.” She sobered up quickly. “The important thing is that we found him, so it’s all good.”

“Exactly! It’s about time you had some fun.” Karen grinned, her eyes moving back and forth between them.

“Oh no, what’s that look for?” Hen turned to Eddie. “She has that look. You better beware.”

“We need more data,” Karen said, meeting her wife’s eyes.

“Huh?”

“Hen, Uber.”

“Why?”

“Right. Okay.” Hen put down her glass and tapped away at her phone. “Done. 10 minutes.”

“Perfect.” Karen nailed Eddie with a smirk. “Now we fix you up.”

“What?”

“Come with me to the bathroom,” Karen said. She stood quickly and then wobbled on her heeled feet, grabbing the back of the chair for balance. “Babe, you may need to carry me to the Uber.”

“Good thing I’m your big, strong firefighter.” She winked. 

“Damn, riiiight,” Karen slurred. “C’mon Eddie.” She grabbed his shirt and pulled. Intoxicated, she had the strength of a kitten, but he followed her anyway. It didn’t look like he had much choice at this point. “It’s a good thing you’d look hot in a potato sack,” she said, tugging him into the bathroom. “Because this…” she waved her hand at his LAFD t-shirt and jeans “—is not what I’d have picked out for you. C’mere.” Next to her bright dress and perfect makeup, he looked practically dingy.

She directed him to wash his face before untucking his shirt, hanging it crookedly on his hips. She frowned at his work boots and then brought her gaze up to his hair. She wet her hands and ran them through his hair, spiking it up at the top.  She then reached under the sink for some gel, squeezed some on her hand, and did the same thing all over again. 

She finished by curling a finger around that pesky strand of hair in the front, the one that never stayed where he put it. She patted it down on his forehead and then turned him to the mirror. 

He looked like himself, just spikier, shinier. Not his style, but he didn’t mind. 

He smiled at Karen in the mirror. She grinned back and then kissed him on the cheek before shoving him out the door. “Uber’s gonna be here any second.”

“It’s here,” Hen called from the front door.

Karen walked back to the dining room table, handed Eddie his half full glass of wine, gesturing that he should drink it, and threw back the rest of hers. “Cheaper this way,” she whispered with a wink. She then grabbed her purse from the side table by the door and sailed out. 

“So…what are we doing?” he asked as he tried not to trip down the porch stairs. The path before him tilted, and he focused on walking in a straight line.  

“We’re taking you to a club!” Karen swung her arms wide and spun in the grass. “How can we make a determination if we don’t know whether you can hook up with someone?”

“Is that relevant?”

“Sadly, yes,” said Hen, grabbing Karen’s shoulders and helping her into the car. “It would answer an additional question. However,” she whispered conspiratorially, “I think she just wants to go out and is using this as an excuse.”

Karen practically glowed with joy in the back seat. He could believe it. 

“I also can’t believe I’m the most sober one here. Not fair,” Hen added. 

“Well,” he looked over at Karen again, “She’s on a drunken mission, and I’m pretty sure I can’t be sober for what’s coming.” He patted her shoulder. “Sorry you have to be the adult.”

She shook her head, gazing fondly at Karen in the back. “She works hard. I’m happy to let her have a carefree night.”

Eddie couldn’t help his smile. Even if he wasn’t exactly excited about Karen’s plan, he was all in on giving Karen a fun night. “Yeah, let’s go.” He squeezed her shoulder before climbing into the front seat.

An hour later Eddie was less concerned about Karen’s night out and more focused on the random hands touching him, hands that weren’t Buck’s. 

When they’d arrived at the club, the three of them had headed straight to the dance floor. He’d closed his eyes and let the music flow over and through him.

There wasn’t much that came to him more naturally than dancing. Man, he’d missed doing it regularly. The heavy beat reverberated in his chest, a steady metronome that had his hips and feet moving almost instantly. Even if he’d rarely danced to this type of music, the need to move and shift to the beat was inherent. 

Hen and Karen danced and laughed next to him. Other people glided in and out of his periphery, dancing with them and near them. He fed off of their energy, just feeling the music. 

After about thirty minutes, though, they’d gone off to buy a drink and rest, Karen yelling into his ear, “We’ll get out of your way, so now’s your chance. See if anyone interests you. Is there someone you’d want to make out with on a casual night out?”

Revulsion smacked into him at the thought, and nausea roiled in his stomach. The very idea of kissing any of these people was unpleasant, bordering on gross. However, he’d told Karen he’d try, so he steeled himself and returned to dancing.

The dancing, of course, was the highlight. What he didn’t like was that now that Hen and Karen were gone, the tone and style of dancing changed around him. Before, when someone had come up to dance with him, they’d danced, actually moving in sync, their feet and hips mirroring one another from a safe distance. No one had touched him.

Apparently the bubble around him had popped. Now there were hands everywhere. A woman touched his shoulder. He brushed her off. Another touched his hip and pulled him closer. He very deliberately took a step back. A man whispered, “Do you need saving?” in his ear while brushing a hand along his back, and Eddie had about jumped out of his skin. Another woman, undeterred by those who’d failed before her, strutted up to him, flipped her hair, and placed a hand on each of his shoulders. 

That time he’d frozen in place, unable to function in the face of her boldness, which wasn’t fair because all he wanted to do was fucking dance and let go for once.

“What’s your name?” she’d asked.

He’d stuttered out, “Eddie,” and then danced with her for a few minutes before bolting towards the bar top where Hen and Karen sat on bar stools.

What the fuck was wrong with him? He’d never struggled with proximity before?

Hell, he was a firefighter. They sat cramped together in an engine all the time. Half of his day was spent pressed up against Buck, which–

Well, maybe that was the problem. He didn’t mind Buck in his space. Buck had been all over him at Chimney’s failed bachelor party, arm over his shoulder, ripping off his shirt, dancing with him, hugging him close while they laughed and drank some more. Looking back, he’d enjoyed it way more than he realized. He’d probably spent the entire evening staring at Buck with stars in his eyes. 

Yeah, none of that had bothered him.

This did.

Fuck.

The dancing had been fun. Until they’d started pawing at him, he hadn’t minded being in a crushed space. Both Karen and Hen had hugged him and clung to him while dancing and that hadn’t bothered him either.

It was strangers. 

Interesting. 

He strode up to their table, and without saying a word, grabbed the drink in front of Hen and swallowed it in one gulp.

“What was that?” he yelled over the booming music, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Gin and tonic,” she answered, pursing her lips crookedly.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” she said dryly.

He shifted his gaze to Karen, who grinned cheerily up at him. “Having fun?” he asked.

“Absolutely,” she said. “Watching that train wreck was a blast!”

“Oh shut up.” He scrubbed a hand over his face and groaned.

“I take it you weren’t interested in fucking any of them,” Hen said loudly over the music.

“Jesus, Hen!”

Karen put a hand on Hen’s shoulder and said, “I thought he was going to run to the bathroom to grab a broom to shake them off with.”

They both cackled, falling into one another, their eyes sparkling with mirth and drink. 

“That was a disaster,” Hen said, sobering. 

“I noticed,” Eddie deadpanned, eyeing Karen’s drink.

She covered it with her hand and tugged it closer to her body, making an exaggerated hissing sound.

“Fine. Fine.” He held up his hands in surrender, then turned to Hen. “Do you want another gin and tonic?”

“Sure.”

“Karen, same?”

She nodded. 

He took off to the bar, weaving his way through the crowd, his feet stepping in time with the music. Now that he was no longer being accosted, he wanted to dance again. 

He ordered three gin and tonics at the bar, then swayed and tapped to the beat while he waited. He closed his eyes and shifted his weight around, the movement calming him. 

“You’re a really good dancer.”

Eddie startled, his eyes shooting open. “What?” he said stupidly. The world around him tipped. The bright colors from the laser lights swung above him, blurring against the harsh white light behind the bar. He lost his balance and tilted sideways, barely catching himself against the bar with a panicked grip. 

“Sorry,” the man next to him said, quickly bracing Eddie’s shoulder with a firm hand to catch him and just as quickly removing it. 

Eddie stood, slowly letting the world right itself and taking an extra second to set his feet on firm ground. 

He lifted his gaze to the man and blinked, surprised. The man was tall, about Eddie’s height. He faced the bar, hips resting against it as he arched back slightly. He wore a tight white t-shirt and jeans that fit him perfectly, accentuating toned legs and–how could Eddie not notice–a nice ass. Strawberry curls spilled over his forehead, and he smiled sheepishly over at him. His look and coloring was so reminiscent of Buck Eddie blinked again, taking an extra second to recover. 

“It’s fine. Sorry,” Eddie said, finally shaking it off. 

The problem was he didn’t know what to do next. He’d stopped dancing, too self-conscious and maybe a bit woozy, but his drinks weren’t anywhere in sight. Where was that bartender!? His gaze darted over to the man, and he found him still looking at him with a friendly smile. 

“No. I should have noticed your eyes were closed. Sorry. You are a good dancer, though.”

“Uhhh, thanks.”

“Do you dance a lot?”

“I–uh, used to.”

“But not anymore?”

“Not often, no. I used to do ballroom way back, but I haven’t had much time for dancing recently,” Eddie said, surprising himself at sharing so much. He hadn’t even told Buck about the ballroom thing.

The man leaned his elbows onto the bar and then tilted closer to Eddie. “Then I feel lucky to have witnessed it.”

“Pfft,” Eddie said, forcing himself not to lean away. “You just saw me shimmying my hips while standing still. That barely counts.”

“Oh no.” Did the man just bat his eyelashes at him? Did people actually bat their eyelashes? “I was watching the show on the dance floor.”

Eddie turned away and groaned, cringing. 

“You have a gift, and those jeans are illegally tight. No wonder those women couldn’t keep their hands off of you.” He smiled ironically, but his eyes held only appreciation, never looking away.

“Uhhh.” Eddie began to tap his toe, looking down the line of the bar to see if the bartender was anywhere nearby with his drinks. He’d been hit on before, many times, especially at work or school or any number of inappropriate places, but he didn’t know how to act in a place where it was expected.

“After you get your drink, would you want to dance with me?”

A “no” was on the tip of Eddie’s tongue when he saw Hen and Karen throwing him thumbs up and celebratory fists.

Wasn’t this why he was here? To see if he could hook up with someone? The guy was bold. He’d give him that. And he had curls. Buck had cute curls. Eddie kind of had a thing for when Buck let his curls free. 

He’d enjoyed dancing, especially with Hen and Karen. Maybe if he tried dancing with just one person he wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable. He could try it. What's the worst that could happen? He’d hate it as much as before and leave, so nothing special.

“Sure,” he said, briefly looking back at the man with a nod, steeling himself. 

“Cool,” he said. “I’m Joe.” He held out his hand.

“Eddie,” Eddie responded, taking it. 

Joe held on a moment longer than was comfortable for Eddie, but then he let go and turned his back to the bar, staring out at the dance floor. “You here on your own or with friends?”

“Friends,” Eddie said bluntly. 

Before Joe could ask anything else, the bartender came back with three glasses.

“Thank fuck,” Eddie breathed under his breath. He handed over his credit card and then grabbed the glasses. “My friends are over here,” he said. 

They weaved back through the crowd. Eddie put the drinks down, immediately picking his own back up and tossing it all back in one long swallow. 

“Woah, Eddie,” Karen said. 

“Gotta go.” He shrugged.

“Liquid courage,” Hen mumbled under her breath. Eddie kicked her foot under the table and then took off for the dance floor, assuming that Joe would follow him.

Karen yelled, “Go get him!” to his back.

“Your friends seem nice,” Joe said as they found an open space. 

“It depends. They usually are, except when they get into data collection. Then I suffer.” He frowned down at his boots. The blurriness was back. He pivoted on his toe and watched the fuzzy edges of his boot shift against the shadows. 

He stared, fascinated, until Joe’s voice broke in: “I’m going to assume that’s an inside joke.”

Eddie shook himself out of it and looked up to meet Joe’s gaze. “Maybe. They like research. I’m their guinea pig.” He started to move, relaxing into the beat. Joe followed his lead. “All I wanted to do was come over for some wine and conversation. Next thing I know we’re down a research rabbit hole and at a club for more data. Lucky me.”

“Uhhh. What kind of data?”

“Kissing,” Eddie said without thinking, then frowned. This was the second time he’d shared more than he normally would with a stranger. The alcohol was affecting not only his balance but his tongue.

“Huh?”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s dumb. Let’s dance.”

Joe looked like he wanted to ask a question but closed his mouth and moved a step closer instead. They danced companionably for several minutes, Joe always keeping a bit of distance. Eddie was grateful for that. Joe must have noticed how uncomfortable he’d been before, and he was respecting his space.

Joe was a great dancer. He mirrored Eddie, easily moving with him. Eddie ran both hands through his sweaty hair and kept them overhead, just feeling the music, letting himself go. 

It was glorious. A great beat. Loose limbs. An uncomfortable situation blurred slightly enough that he could ignore it.

When that priest had told him to find his joy, he hadn’t expected it to be dancing, but what was the first thing he’d done? Prance about his house, doing exactly what he’d done as a kid when he’d memorized that dance.

Maybe now that Chris was older he could find a studio or take some refresher lessons. The thought lasted for about three seconds before he laughed. He couldn’t imagine Buck ballroom dancing. Maybe line dancing or dancing like this in a club, but ballroom felt too rigid for Buck.

Maybe they should do salsa.

He froze.

He’d automatically added Buck to his plans about dancing. Picking up ballroom again was supposed to be for him. His joy, but…

Without Buck, it wouldn’t be as fun. 

Buck was an important part of his joy.

“You okay?” Joe’s voice sounded near his ear.

Eddie jumped and found Joe leaning over him, still not touching but close. He wore a worried but cautious expression.

Eddie coughed, “Yeah. Sorry. I just had a weird thought. I’m good.” He began to move again, this time with his eyes fixed on Joe. Maybe if he focused on him, his thoughts wouldn’t trail to Buck (unlikely).

This time he danced more deliberately with Joe, who moved closer into his space and played off of him in return. They danced together for three more songs, and Eddie was truly enjoying himself. The alcohol flowed through him, making him more relaxed than usual. The music washed over him, flooding his soul and driving his movements. And dancing was better than any workout he’d done recently. He loved exercise, but this was special, a different kind of high.

It all fell apart when Joe grew bold. He crowded up close enough that their hips and thighs almost touched, and then he placed his hands on Eddie’s shoulders. 

Eddie didn’t like it. He didn’t like his dancing being interrupted, and he didn’t like having someone so close. Even so, he hid his reaction and tried to roll with it. 

This was why he was here after all.

Then Joe spoke, his mouth hovering just over Eddie’s cheek. “So what research were you doing about kissing?”

“Ummm. It was a bit more than that.”

Joe shifted his hips, bumping their thighs together. “Tell me.” Eddie shivered but not in a pleasant way. It was more like one of those random full-body shivers that come on suddenly; only this time it was accompanied by a river of ice running down his spine. 

“They wanted to know if I could kiss a stranger…and maybe other stuff.” He mumbled the last few words to himself, but it was obvious when Joe heard the first part because he stopped moving.

“Oh. So. Do you…”

Eddie shrugged, though his insides squirmed a resounding No.

Joe gave him a soft look, the neon club lights suddenly highlighting a strip of freckles across his cheeks. Buck had a few freckles. They were cute, almost as cute as his birthmark. Eddie was so captivated by the freckles and thinking about Buck that he missed Joe’s next words.

“What?” he asked, shouting.

“You could try kissing me. If you want.”

“Oh.” Eddie suddenly came back to full awareness. They were standing still, legs overlapping, Joe holding him, in a loud, crowded, noisy club. Joe was very close. Eddie could count his eyelashes, and his smile was genuine even if somewhat bewildered. 

If he was going to try this with anyone, it might as well be Joe, though as far as he could tell he still wasn’t attracted to men. The only things that had drawn him to Joe so far were features that reminded him of Buck. Maybe kissing him would show that he was? Eddie didn’t fucking know.

“Okay,” he said before thinking too hard about it.

“Cool.” Joe brought his hands up to cup Eddie’s face as he stood tall, separating their bodies. He met Eddie’s eyes and then leaned–

Three things happened in quick succession. Eddie’s brain (unhelpfully) filled in a what if this was Buck scenario, and his heart leaped before crashing into a wall of disappointment, leading Eddie to fully understand that he didn’t want to kiss anyone who wasn’t Buck, which then caused him to duck out of Joe’s hands and back away, blubbering, “Sorry, sorry, sorry. I can’t.”

Because he loved Buck.

Nothing else mattered.

Joe frowned but stepped back as well. “It’s fine.” He brushed a hand through his fiery curls while his gaze darted around. “I’ll–”

Eddie felt lighter, something settling nicely into his chest. He was so grateful to Joe for giving him this, but he felt horrible about how he’d handled it. He stepped forward and held out his hand. Tentatively, Joe took it. “Sorry about that, but thank you. I mean it. I hope you find someone great.”

“Uhhh, thanks.” He raised an eyebrow. “So I guess the research answer was no?”

“Yeah,” Eddie huffed out a laugh. 

Joe nodded, and Eddie squeezed his palm firmly one more time before letting go. He turned on his heel and walked off the dance floor. 

Feeling more confident than he had in weeks, he slid into the chair next to Hen and said, “I really don’t think this was ever gonna work, Karen. I’m in love with Buck. I don’t want to kiss anyone else.” He stole Hen’s bottle of water and took a long swig. She threw him a non-plussed look and snatched it back as he wiped sweat from his brow.

“That was the flaw in the plan, true.” Karen frowned down at her glass. “At least we tried.”

“I don’t think it matters whether I could be attracted to other people because I don’t want anyone else. Buck is it for me.”

“I know, baby,” Hen said, dropping her head onto his shoulder. 

Somehow the surety he felt mixed with the alcohol in his system, and he found himself saying, “Him. It’s just him. I don’t know what the fuck that means, but I want him to hold me. I want to kiss his birthmark, and I want…I need his dick in my mouth.” 

“Woah there, Eddie. Save it for the bedroom.”

Hen shrieked with laughter, cuddling into him more as she wrapped an arm around his back, not allowing him to bolt the way he wanted.

Had he just said that? Out loud?

Fuck.

“Did you at least think that guy was hot? I mean, you danced with him for a while.” Karen asked.

“Not really, but his curls reminded me of Buck.” Eddie ducked his chin, embarrassed.

“Ugh, you’re hopeless,” she said, reaching out to take his hand. 

“Who’s hopeless?” Buck’s voice boomed over the music behind them.

Eddie jumped three feet in the air, nearly falling off of his tall chair, and Hen yelled, “Oh thank fucking God, you’re here. Please save me from your man. This has been a night, an illuminating, informative night, but a night nonetheless. I would like to take my wife home now.”

Karen beamed drunkenly at her and fluttered her eyelashes suggestively. (Well, apparently people did flutter their eyelashes for real.)

Eddie was so grateful Buck couldn’t see his face because he’d about choked when Hen called him “your man.” 

“Uh, hey Buck, what are you doing here?” Eddie asked, not turning around.

“Hen texted me to come get you. She said you were drunk off your ass and needed a ride home.”

“I am not–” Eddie protested, turning around to face Buck and then froze. After an entire evening of objectifying people for “research,” Buck was the first and only person Eddie actually found truly attractive. 

Buck looked like he’d just rolled out of bed. He wore grey sweatpants and a loose baby blue t-shirt with an unzipped black jacket. His curls, the ones Eddie loved so dearly, were ungelled and soft, falling onto his forehead and begging to be touched. In fact, all of Buck was begging to be touched. Everything about him screamed soft and cuddly. Eddie wanted to cup his face, run his fingers over his lips, hold his hips while they danced, and brush his hands over the breadth of his chest. 

And he wanted Buck to do all those things to him too. He was the first person Eddie actually wanted to touch him all night.

Eddie smiled secretly to himself, that lightness in his heart digging in deeper, carving out a permanent residence. It was absolutely just Buck. Buck was the only one who made his heart race. Buck was the only one who could get into his personal space without bothering him. Buck was the only one he wanted to plaster himself against, the only one he wanted to kiss, to hold, to love. 

Buck was it.

Now what?

“You okay, man?” Buck asked, frowning down at him. He grabbed Eddie’s chin and lifted it up so that he could peer in his eyes. “Hmmm.” His gaze darted between Karen and Hen. “I’ve only seen him this drunk a handful of times. What did you do to him? I thought this was a wine night.”

Karen waggled her eyebrows, said, “It evolved,” and then chugged the last of her drink.

“And you, my brilliant wife, are now cut off.” Hen took her glass and shoved the bottle of water into her hands.

Karen pouted but dutifully took a sip of the water.

“Drink it all,” Hen commanded. “You’ll regret it tomorrow if you don’t.”

“Fine,” Karen grumbled, but she took a steady series of sips. 

“They’re cute,” Buck said, looking back at Eddie. 

“Yeah,” Eddie responded, which was when Eddie and Buck both realized that Buck was still holding his chin. 

Buck let go like his hand was on fire, and Eddie watched it fly away wistfully. 

“Ohhh-kay.” Buck turned back to Hen. “Eddie has that glazed look. I’m gonna get him home. You two okay? Do you need a ride, too?” 

“Nah, I’m getting us an Uber. You two go ahead.” She leaned into Eddie and whispered in his ear, “Two things: one, tell him. Don’t wait. Do it.”

“And two?”

“I could be wrong, but I think the word you’ve been searching for is demisexual. Look it up tomorrow and see how it feels. But…” she paused, meeting his eyes, “You don’t need to explain yourself. You don’t need a label. You don’t need to do anything. Just love that boy and love yourself. You two have something special going on, and it’s been beautiful to watch.” 

He opened his mouth to have her repeat the word, but she said, “I’ll text it to you.”

“Thanks.”

Now–” She patted his shoulder and shoved him off the chair. “Go get your man!”

Eddie fell to the ground with little grace, arms waving to catch his balance when his knees buckled underneath him. He glared at Hen but then thought about what she said. “You think–” Now that Buck was here, now that the possibility of telling him was real, Eddie doubted, he feared, he worried. What if…

“Ed-die,” Karen said, jumping off the bench to stand next to him, speaking just loud enough for him to hear. “We didn’t spend this evening questioning whether you should love Buck or even if he loved you. Those are a given. Facts. The only thing that surprised us was that you said it out loud. No, this evening was about exploration. Answers. You were confused about your sexuality. Not Buck.” She patted his shoulder and then shoved him at Buck. “Listen to Hen, and go get him!”

Eddie stumbled–again–his momentum eventually stopped by a solid wall of Buck. Buck grabbed both his shoulders to steady him and then slung his arm over them to help him walk out.

“I can walk, you know,” Eddie said petulantly, pointedly taking even steps.

“Usually.” Buck gave him a very obvious once over. “But I’m not sure about tonight.”

Huffing Eddie said, “You didn’t have to come get me. I could have taken an Uber too.”

“Of course I did,” Buck said simply. “I was happy to pick you up.”

Eddie meant to respond, but Buck’s words set off a firecracker in Eddie’s brain that sent warmth flooding through his whole body. Instead of a retort, he snuggled a little deeper in Buck’s embrace and let him lead him out to the car.

Eddie took a long breath once they were outside the club. The cool night air refreshed his sweaty skin, and he lifted his outer arm to catch more of the breeze.

“You cold?” Buck asked.

Eddie snorted and shoved his shoulder into him as they walked, knocking him off balance. “I’m not you!”

“Hey!” Buck rebalanced them, tucking Eddie further under his arm and leading him left down the sidewalk. “At least I can walk straight.”

“Pfft. I did that on purpose. You’re the one who can’t seem to walk in a straight line, always crowding in and pushing me off the sidewalk.”

“Not true!” Buck said.

“Very true. You just can’t tell because it’s how you walk.”

“I–”

“Shhh.” Eddie wrapped his hand around Buck’s waist. “I don’t mind. I like it.”

Buck inhaled sharply. 

Enjoying the feel of Buck’s muscled back and obliques against his arm, Eddie mused whether it had been his arm or his words that had silenced him. 

Interesting. 

The silence had a downside. He was now free to think about anything, and anything usually meant Buck. Hen’s words haunted him. Should he tell Buck? Would it be fair to Buck? Were she and Karen right about Buck loving him back? They hadn’t specified in what way Buck loved him. Maybe it was more of a ‘he’s your best friend so of course he loves you and will still love you after you confess your undying love for him.’ 

But maybe he did love him back…like that. Was he willing to go out on that ledge?  He took risks for a living. Could he take this leap?

Hen’s words followed him as they walked the four blocks to the Jeep. They followed him when he buckled up and when Buck climbed in. They chanted at him as Buck turned the ignition and when Eddie turned up the air. “ Tell him. Tell him. Tell him. Tell him. ” Again and again. 

Should he?

Buck smiled at him as he turned to back out of the parking spot, and Eddie’s heart lurched, the ache so strong that it would have toppled him over if he hadn’t been sitting down. 

Buck was just so…Buck. 

He wasn’t perfect, but he was thoughtful and caring, incredibly loyal, and the most genuine person Eddie knew. If nothing else, Buck deserved to know he was adored, completely and utterly. 

Eddie watched the muscles on Buck’s hand flex as he put the car back in Drive. He steered them out of the parking lot, and all Eddie could do was stare. 

He loved Buck as a person. He loved who he was inside more than anything, but– Eddie’s gaze traveled up the length of Buck’s body, taking in the thick thighs that filled out sweatpants that should be loose, the strong hands with long fingers, the breadth of his chest and the roundness of his shoulders, the stubble on his chin, the cute tip of his nose, the curve of his lower lip, and the birthmark that begged to be kissed.

Buck was hot.

There was no doubt how Eddie felt about him. He wanted to rip those clothes off, climb into his lap, and then bite a line of kisses across his scruffy jaw. He wanted to kiss Buck until he couldn’t breathe and then suck a mark onto his neck. He wanted to hold him, hug him as close as possible, to intertwine their bodies so thoroughly that it wasn’t obvious what was whose.

He wanted Buck in a way he hadn’t wanted anyone since Shannon–body and soul.

It was thrilling and terrifying all at once.

But it was true and honest. 

Buck coughed, throwing him a curious look out of the corner of his eye, and Eddie realized he must be staring.

Eddie smiled softly to himself, coming to a conclusion. It wasn’t a question of “to tell or not to tell,” it was more a question of when would it all just spill out of him uncontrollably. Because hiding all these overpowering feelings was impossible. 

“Do you mind if I turn off the music?” he asked.

“Yeah, sure,” Buck answered, dutifully keeping his eyes on the road. 

Eddie hit the button before shifting in his seat so that his shoulder pressed into the back rest, and he faced Buck fully. 

“You should ask me why we went to a club?”

Buck chuckled, rubbing his palm across the steering wheel. “Okay, Eddie, why did your wine night end up at a club?”

“Research.”

Buck frowned and then turned on his blinker to merge onto the highway. “You know that makes no sense, right?”

“It does. Ask me what we were researching?”

Buck rolled his eyes. “What were you researching, Eddie?” he said, appeasing him.

“Several things.”

He let that hang for a few breaths, wanting to make sure they were off the highway before he said anything suggestive. 

“That’s not helping, Eds. Are you going to tell me, or make me guess?”

“Actually,” Eddie grinned, seeing their exit still two miles away, “Why don’t you guess a few.”

“Ed-die,” Buck whined.

“Indulge me.”

“Fine. Types of whiskey?”

“No. We drank gin and tonic.”

“I thought this was a wine night. That’s some fishy wine.”

“‘It evolved.’ Now try again.” 

“Okay.” Buck tapped the steering wheel. “Guessing songs? Rating the DJ?”

“Nope.” 

Buck put on his turn signal. “Decibel levels? Somehow you all nerded out on hearing safety and went to a club to see how bad it was?” 

Eddie laughed. “You know, that’s not as far-fetched as you’d think.”

“Right?” Buck grinned, taking the exit.

“Do you give up?” Eddie asked.

“Yes. C’mon. Now you’ve got me all wound up, and I can’t decide if it’s interest or frustration.”

“Well,” Eddie clasped his hands together, “I’m hoping it’s interest.”

“So…” Buck turned left at the light. 

“As I said, several things. Attraction. Kissing–”

“Kissing?” Buck squeaked.

“Or not-kissing as it turned out.”

“Hmmm.” A shadow dropped over Buck’s expression, and his eyes narrowed on the road. 

That wouldn’t do. “Alright, alright. Enough being vague.”

“Good,” he said, voice flat.

Eddie took a deep breath in through his nose and let it out slowly. 

“Eds?”

“I’m fine. It’s just–” He steeled himself. “The evening started out with us trying to decide if you were the only person I was attracted to, and it ended with me realizing that you are absolutely the only one I want to kiss.”

“Eddie… Fuck– What?” 

Eddie watched in real time as Buck registered the meaning of his words, a series of expressions darting quickly across his face. His smug smile faltered when Buck swerved.

“Shit! What the fuck, Buck!”

Eddie looked out the window. Buck’s swerve hadn’t been a swerve so much as he’d taken a sharp turn into an empty grocery store parking lot. He pulled into a parking spot and turned off the car.

He shifted to face Eddie, breathing more heavily than usual. “Explain.”

Eddie opened his mouth–

“No. Wait.” He held up his hand. “Explain like I’m a toddler. Explain like I am a person truly invested in what you say. Explain like the next words that come out of your mouth might break me.” His voice cracked on the last few words, and his eyes shimmered, like he was on the verge of tears, his whole expression open and vulnerable.

Eddie’s chest ached, and his stomach swirled, a mixture of anticipation and longing. No more teasing. No more jokes. 

“I love you.”

Buck gasped in response, pressing himself back into the door, his leg tense as it braced against the floor.

Eddie smiled to himself, rubbing a hand across his jaw and over his cheek. “I love you so much I can barely see straight.”

Buck’s chest heaved, his breathing now audible. “That’s not– That’s not…” he trailed off. 

“What?” Eddie tried to fill in the blank, confused. It was clear Buck wasn’t rejecting him, but his words made no sense. What was the problem? He thought he’d been helpfully direct.

“Possible?” Buck squeaked out. 

“Well, I just said it,” Eddie said with iron in his voice.

“But you’re drunk.”

“Yeah.” His belly sloshed in response, and he thoroughly regretted that last drink. Beer would have been better. Or more wine. 

“So maybe you don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Buck,” Eddie groaned. “Don’t insult me here. C’mon, you do know that alcohol lowers people’s inhibitions and that they are more likely to share secrets and inner truths when drunk.”

Buck clenched his jaw.

“Also, I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“I know,” Buck whispered, his body still tense. 

“Buck.” Eddie reached across the chasm between them and placed a hand on Buck’s knee. Buck flinched but then relaxed. Eddie drew circles with his thumb. “Buck. If you were listening, you would have heard the part where I said we went to the club after I’d expressed my feelings about you to Hen and Karen. I was sober when I told them.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh. Do you need me to have them text you to verify?” Eddie teased, squeezing his thigh lightly.

“Uh. No.” 

“Good. So?” Eddie asked, his heart rate speeding back up in anticipation.

“So what?” Buck’s expression was somehow a cross between bewildered and terrified, though what he was afraid of Eddie couldn’t guess.

Eddie furrowed his eyebrows and narrowed his eyes at him. “I did just tell you that I’m in love with you. What do you think about that? Do you have any thoughts on that? Feelings? Concerns?”

Buck swallowed. “I have many thoughts.”

“Good or bad?”

“Both maybe.” He grimaced and shrugged, uncharacteristically quiet and cautious.

“Well, start with the most important,” Eddie said, trying to be helpful but also trying not to freak out. Buck wasn’t disgusted by his admission, but he also didn’t seem too happy about it. 

“My straight best friend just told me he’s in love with me.” It came out fast, explosive, like Buck couldn’t even hold onto the words.

“Ah.” Eddie dropped his gaze to Buck’s thigh and then deliberately dragged it all the way back up, eyes heavy and appreciative. When he met Buck’s eyes again, he said, “Guess I’m not straight.”

“But–”

Eddie scooted across the bench, his thigh pressing into Buck’s knee. He reached for Buck’s hand, but Buck jerked it back.

“Seriously, Eddie,” he practically spit out. “If you’re not straight, I– Who am I? What is this?” He gestured between them. “The last …you being straight, knowing you were straight, kept me sane. It kept me from ever questioning us. And then, after Tommy…” he trailed off, but Eddie filled in the missing word, competition. “It kept me from doing something stupid.”

“Like what?” Eddie breathed, his voice heavy.

“LiketellingyouIloveyou.” Buck said it so fast that it took Eddie a few moments to parse it out, and then…

Then he soared. Even though the alcohol had loosened him up, weeks of anxiety and fear flew away. Whatever happened, Buck loved him back.

He beamed, feeling like sunshine was pouring out of him. “Yeah?” 

Buck blinked a few times, his eyelashes fluttering adorably against his cheeks as he stared down at his hands, clasped tightly in his lap. He finally looked up under his lashes and caught Eddie’s broad grin. A slow smile began to spread across his cheeks as well. “Yeah,” he said softly.

“So, we love each other,” Eddie said, awed.

“I guess so,” Buck answered, his voice firmer than before, like he actually believed it. 

“Then what are we doing here? Are we going to just sit in the car staring at each other, or are you going to fucking kiss me?”

Buck laughed and shook his head. He lifted his hands to reach for Eddie but paused halfway, his eyes darting between Eddie’s face and his hands like he didn’t know what to do with them.

Eddie sighed and then grabbed them, pulling them onto his cheeks as he leaned forward. Rubbing Buck’s wrist with his thumb, he said, “You’re going to have to meet me in the middle, Bud. I’m not climbing you on the first date.”

A hysterical laugh burst out of Buck’s mouth, and he dove forward. His nose bumped into Eddie’s cheek, and his lips pressed a kiss into the corner of his mouth. 

“Fuck,” he said, pulling back, his eyes wide with embarrassment. “Sorry, I’m–”

“C’mere, Buck.” Eddie placed a hand on Buck’s chest and let the other stroke over his cheek and neck before reaching around to cup the back of his head. He tugged him forward, and their lips brushed together in a soft kiss. 

Eddie waited for Buck to relax, and when he felt the muscles in his chest and shoulders release, he tilted his head to press kiss after kiss onto his pillowy lips, tasting him slowly, savoring the curve of his mouth. After several moments, Buck began to kiss back in earnest, and it wasn’t long before his hands found their way into Eddie’s hair, fisting it to hold him tighter.

They kissed and kissed, making Eddie want to melt on the spot, and then Buck’s tongue swiped across Eddie’s upper lip, and Eddie practically moaned, his whole body shivering in response. Buck smiled against his mouth and did it again, grinning when it elicited the same response again. Eddie bit Buck’s lower lip in retaliation, holding it between his teeth while running his tongue over it. Buck groaned. 

When Eddie released him, Buck slammed their lips back together, opening his mouth. His tongue only needed to press against Eddie’s lips for a second before Eddie was opening for him. Their tongues slid together, and Eddie ascended. 

This must be what heaven felt like, or at least his heaven. Buck’s mouth felt like velvet, warm and soft, and he tasted of mint mouthwash, something so familiar and domestic. It reminded Eddie that Buck had gotten out of bed to come pick him up.

“God I love you,” he said against Buck’s lips.

In response Buck whirled his body around, facing the front of the car again, pulling Eddie with him so that Eddie now lay across him, Buck’s arms supporting his back. To Eddie it felt like Buck was holding him up, tilting him back like a dip in a dance, leaning over him to kiss him deeper. Eddie’s legs were strewn haphazardly across the seat, his knees bent so that he just barely fit. The butterflies in his stomach roared to life, and his heart raced.

Heaven.

So hot.

Buck kissed him deeply, hugging him tightly, one hand brushing up and down Eddie’s spine in a maddening caress, and then said, “I love you too. So much.”

Eddie lifted his hand and brushed at the wild curls just above Buck’s temple. He pushed them back, then ran his fingers through them, relishing the silky softness. They were so adorable they made his heart ache, and he vowed there and then to hide all of Buck’s hair products. He twirled a curl around his finger and then lightly combed his fingers from front to back. 

Buck arched his neck back like a contented cat, and Eddie rose up to place an open mouthed kiss to the right of Buck’s Adam’s apple.

“Oh,” Buck said, closing his eyes as his fingers dug into Eddie’s back.

Eddie scraped his teeth against Buck’s skin and then kissed the spot lightly before lowering himself back down. 

Buck’s gaze followed Eddie, his smile blissful, and all Eddie could do was smile back, completely besotted. 

“Wanna spend the night?” he asked. 

The joyous light that shone out of Buck’s eyes was answer enough, though he did say, “Hell yeah,” before curling down to kiss Eddie again, practically smashing their chests and faces together in his excitement. 

When he finally let go, Eddie extricated himself from his odd position, sitting up tall in the middle seat. He took Buck’s hand, interlacing their fingers. “Let’s go home?” 

“Please.”

He kissed Buck’s knuckles. “Good.”

“For the record, I still have no idea why you ended up at a club tonight.” 

Eddie kissed his cheek and then scooted back to his seat and buckled in. He reached over to grab Buck’s hand again and said, “I’ll explain later. When I’m sober enough to make sense.”

“Okay.”

“If we’re lucky, Chris will already be asleep.”

“Yeah, sure,” Buck laughed, shaking his head.

“Eh, true. We’ll have to peel him out of his chair.” Eddie rolled his eyes.

“Mmhmm.”

***

Eddie awoke the next morning to the sun on his face, the taste of death in his mouth, and a warm body pressed against his back.

Buck.

They lay on their sides, Eddie’s back pressed into Buck’s chest, one of his legs caught between Eddie’s ankles. Buck’s left arm rested underneath Eddie’s pillow, and the other held him close, his hand pressing into the spot above Eddie’s heart.

Eddie couldn’t help smiling to himself and snuggling back into Buck’s long, hard body. Buck radiated heat, and even though Eddie might never sleep with a blanket again, that warmth was comforting, like being enveloped. Somehow the simple act of being held made Eddie feel cherished, and he never wanted to leave this warm cocoon. 

He closed his eyes.

And then a minute later he opened them. 

Well, fuck, he was awake. He could still snuggle with Buck though, right? 

He tried again, wriggling his hips back, grinning to himself when he felt something hard pressing into his thigh. Not today, but maybe soon. His cheeks glowed at the thought, and he closed his eyes.

And opened them again.

Okay not going to work. 

He spied his phone on the night stand, just out of reach. He wrinkled up his face and rolled forward, reaching for it. Buck pawed at him, pulling him closer. Eddie’s fingers brushed against the phone, and with one more big inchworm flop, he grabbed it. Buck voiced his displeasure with unintelligible words, his fingers clutching at Eddie. 

Eddie wriggled back, and as soon as he snuggled into his place, Buck sighed, relaxing. Silly man, Eddie thought. 

Hen’s text notification lit up his screen, and he swiped to open it.

          Hen: Demisexual

Oh yeah. That word she’d said last night. He closed the message and switched over to check his email and other messages. He scrolled around for a few more minutes before opening Hen’s message again and staring at the unfamiliar word.

Buck started to shift and make little noises behind him. Eddie smiled and set the phone down on the bed.

Buck’s nose nuzzled at the back of his neck, and his hand slid back to clutch at Eddie’s hip. “Last night, you said you wanted to kiss me, right? I didn’t dream that?” His voice was gruff, still thick with sleep, and his lips brushed against Eddie’s skin. 

“You’re in my bed aren’t you.” Eddie grabbed the hand at his hip and lifted it to his mouth, kissing along the knuckles before tucking it under his chin. 

“Oh thank God,” Buck said, rising onto his elbow and placing a stream of kisses all over Eddie’s cheek. He looked like a dream, and Eddie could only stare. Buck’s curls were flattened on one side and falling forward on the other. Eddie’s old t-shirt strained across his broad chest, and his eyes were sleepy and soft, his eyelids still drooping adorably. 

Just as Eddie was about to shift over so that they could kiss properly, Buck froze, his eyes stuck on something. 

Eddie looked up at him and then followed his gaze…to his glowing phone screen. Huh?

“You okay Buck?”

“Uh, yeah.” He blinked, then slowly turned a teasing smile on Eddie. “What’s that about?”

Eddie kicked his ankle (thought it was probably more like his shin, silly long legged man). “That’s what I was trying to tell you yesterday! Research!”

“And it required going to a club!”

“Obviously.” Eddie rolled onto his back, Buck looming over him, still leaning on his elbow.

“So did you figure it out? Uhhh–” he looked at the phone again for help, but it was now blank.

“Demisexual,” Eddie supplied.

“Yeah, that?”

“I guess. Maybe.” He lifted both hands to the ceiling and shrugged before interlacing them on his stomach. “I dunno. All we really established is that I am only into you. Then Hen threw this word at me when we left.”

“Well,” Buck said, grabbing Eddie’s phone and rolling onto his back, “Is she right?”

“No idea.”

“You haven’t looked it up?” Buck asked, shocked.

“Not yet.”

“Well, we are now.”

“Bu-uck.” Eddie whined, but he dutifully unlocked his phone when Buck handed it to him.  “It’s too early for research. And I researched all last night. I’m researched out.”

Buck kissed his temple. “Indulge me.” 

And of course Eddie would. He’d do anything for Buck.

So he kissed Buck’s shoulder, rolling into Buck's side and snuggling in, and watched Buck’s thumbs fly over the phone keyboard.

Eventually he said, “According to Wikipedia–”

“My English teacher just rolled over in her grave…errr, or groaned in disgust if she’s still alive.” 

“Anyway,” he elbowed Eddie in the stomach, “It says, ‘Demisexuality is a term used to describe individuals who rarely experience primary sexual attraction–”

“You’re reading it aloud?”

“Yes, and–

“Nerd,” Eddie muttered, but he softened it by throwing his leg over Buck’s hips and kissing the place where his collarbone met his neck.

Buck leaned into the kiss and said, “Hush and learn.” He cleared his throat comically, and Eddie pinched his side. ”Primary sexual attraction–” the first words came out as half a giggle–“is ‘a type of attraction that is based on immediately observable characteristics such as appearance or smell, and is experienced immediately after first encounter. A demisexual person generally tends to develop sexual attraction after they experience secondary sexual attraction – a type of attraction that occurs after development of an emotional bond. The amount of time that a demisexual individual needs to know another person before developing sexual attraction towards them varies from person to person.’”

“That…was a lot.”

“Should I read it again?”

“No. Give me the phone.” Buck handed it over, and they both reread the paragraph, Eddie twice.

“What I’m getting,” Buck said after giving Eddie some time to process, “Is that demisexuals are not sexually attracted to people right away, and it instead grows on them over time.”

“That’s what I’m getting too.” Eddie locked the phone and threw it to the side.

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“What do you think about it?”

“I–” Then he paused and really thought. Maybe Hen was right. Shannon and Buck were the great loves of his life, and he’d been best friends with both of them first. That made sense. He’d liked Ana and Marisol and had known each of them before dating them, and if he remembered correctly, he hadn’t slept with either of them right away. It had taken a while. The initial appeal for both was that they were exactly who he should be dating and bringing home.

It felt right, and it provided a realistic answer to his confusion; but the firmness of Buck at his side, his steady heartbeat, and the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest that lifted Eddie too, reminded Eddie to focus on what was the most important.

He touched Buck’s birthmark with a fingertip before trailing his fingers over his scruffy cheek. He left his hand on Buck’s neck. “I love you, and I don’t want anyone else.”

“You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. I love you too. Completely and exclusively.” Buck kissed his forehead, then his temple, his cheekbone, his nose. 

Eddie giggled, smacking his hip with his free hand. “Stop it. I wasn’t done.”

“Oh?” Buck pretended to kiss him again but paused just above his lips. “You were saying?”

“God you’re a pain in the ass.” Eddie’s chest ached at how much he loved him, at how radiantly happy he was.

“But you love me.”

“Yeah. I do.” And he couldn’t help grinning up at him. Buck’s eyes shone bright, the blue sparkling in the soft morning light. Eddie was transfixed, overwhelmed by his beauty and the depth of his feelings.

“So?”

“I think I’m demisexual. It makes sense.”

“That’s great, Eddie.” Buck kissed him tenderly, wrapping him up in his arms and hugging him close. Eddie mirrored his movements, imagining that they could become one, excited that one day they actually would. If only they could stay like this all day. 

Buck nibbled kisses down Eddie’s jaw and then pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “Does it make you feel better to know?” he whispered.

“Yeah,” he said, kissing Buck’s neck. “It’s nice.”

Yet…now that Eddie knew, now that Hen and Karen had held his hand and carried him over the threshold into a new world, a new life, everything had refocused.

In the end all that mattered was this, that he had Buck in his bed, in his arms, and in his life.