Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter 1:

Luna entered the sleeping quarters, holding a bottle of pinkish liquid. "I managed to find this, Listy. This might help." She handed the bottle and a spoon over to him.

"Oh, cheers, Lu," he replied.

She smiled and sat back down on the bottom bunk, returning to her magazine. He began reading the information on the bottle Luna had given him. "For a mild stomach upset, take one teaspoonful. For acute indigestion, take two."

Lister considered using the spoon but then threw it away, emptying most of the bottle into a glass and starting to gulp it down. Luna rolled her eyes, shaking her head slightly. "Typical Listy." Just then, Rimmer entered the quarters dressed as a chef.

Rimmer entered the quarters dressed as a chef. Luna smirked at the sight of him, looking up a little from her magazine. "Oh, heads up, here's Gordon Ramsay."

 

"Well, a highly enjoyable meal all around! You can't expect perfection the first time, but I was quite delighted with how my dumplings went down," the hologram said, smiling with satisfaction about his dinner efforts.

"Rimmer, real dumplings—proper dumplings—when they're properly cooked to perfection, should not bounce," Lister stated.

"True, but compared to what I thought they were going to be like, they were quite superb," Rimmer said, still feeling pleased with himself.

"How's Kitty Cat?" Luna asked.

"He's just sleeping off the stomach pump. He'll be alright. The lamb was a bit of a flop, though," Rimmer replied. Luna shivered in disgust at the thought of seeing the lamb.

"The lamb? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese, and that lemon meringue pie—man, what was in that?" Lister asked, feeling queasy at the thought of it sitting on the table.

"I thought you liked that; you brought some back," Rimmer said.

"I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot," Lister said.

Rimmer looked to Luna, pointing in her direction. "She loved it. Her plate was clean."

Luna rubbed her neck, feeling awkward. "Um, sorry, Rimsy. But I slipped it into the bin when you weren't looking. I kinda lied so as not to hurt your feelings."

 

Rimmer took off his chef's hat, feeling a little hurt that his meal hadn't gone well. He sat next to Luna. "It's not easy, Lister. Cooking when you're dead—when you don't exist, when you're made entirely of light."

"That's your excuse for everything, isn't it? Being dead?" Lister replied.

Luna felt bad for the hologram. "Oh, come on, Lister. He did try. I mean, it's not every day a dead guy cooks for you."

Rimmer smiled a little at Luna's kind words but sighed. "I'm just trying to rehabilitate myself, trying to do the everyday normal things that most living people take for granted."

"You've got the skutters to help you," Lister pointed out.

"What? Pinky and smegging Perky?" Rimmer said, getting up from the bunk. "What use are they? It's like giving Blind Pew contact lenses."

Lister replied, "They only do what you tell them to."

"Ah, but they don't, do they? You say, 'Keep an eye on that lamb,’ and they do. They sit there for three hours and watch it burn."

"They've got no emotion; it's not in their software," Lister argued.

"Have you seen their broom cupboard? It's full of pin-ups of John Wayne. That cannot be right, can it? Piled this high with Film Fun magazines."

Rimmer gestured toward the cupboard, indicating that it was at shoulder height. "It's not how spanners behave in my book."

 

Luna giggled at the thought of the little skutters idolizing the legend that was John Wayne, just like teenage girls falling for a cute guy. "Aww, how cute!" she squealed, earning strange looks from Lister and Rimmer.

"What?" she said defensively as Holly appeared on the screen, breaking into the conversation.

"What's happening, dudes?" Holly smiled.

"Hi, Hol," Lister waved.

Luna smiled. "What's up, Hol?"

"Guess what?" Holly asked.

"What is it, Holly?" Luna asked, moving to stand next to Lister and Rimmer.

"What is it vaguely about?" Rimmer asked the computer.

"No clues, just have a guess," Holly replied.

 

Rimmer, Luna, and Lister looked exasperated.

"I knew you wouldn't get it. The post pod has arrived," Holly announced with a smile.

"What, the mail?" Rimmer asked, surprised.

"It's been tracking us since we left Earth. Now that we've turned around, it's caught up," Holly explained.

"Do you mean it's taken 3 million years?" Lister blurted out, shocked that the mail pod had lasted this long in deep space.

"Yeah, that's about average for second-class post."

Chapter Text

Chapter 2

 

The skutters zipped down the corridor, one in an Indian headdress, the other in a cowboy hat, chasing each other and livening up the hallways.

Lister, Luna, and Rimmer walked past the playful skutters. "See what I mean?" Rimmer said, attempting an exaggerated war cry.

Luna chuckled. "Don't be such a killjoy. Let them have their fun."

 

The trio entered the Mail room, where the open pod promised surprises. Luna and Lister sifted through mail spilling across every surface.

A skutter's arm grabbed a piece of mail from the pile. It was from the John Wayne fan club, addressed to 'The Skutters, Red Dwarf, Deep Space, RE1 3DW,' and then it vanished.

 

"All sorts—mail, entertainment cassettes, new movies," Rimmer said.

Luna wandered between the heaps, her eyebrows raised in surprise and a small smile forming as curiosity pulled her to rummage through the stacks.

She picked up a parcel. "Friday the 13th part one thousand six hundred and forty-nine. Seriously, those movies lasted forever."

"They remade Casablanca!"

Lister ambled over to see what Rimmer was on about. "Philistines! Remake Casablanca? The Dinglebat and Beardsley version nailed it, man. End of!"

This world was still strange for Luna; she'd only been aboard a month. "Is this remake any good?" she asked, reading the case.

 

"I saw it—real knockout," Holly said. "Of all the space bars on all the worlds, you had to re-materialise in mine."

Luna found it kind of interesting. "I'll give it a watch later, Hol."

 

"A cassette of a whole year of Earth news," Rimmer announced. Luna blinked in disbelief.

She picked up the cassette. "A whole year, huh? Wonder what we've missed."

"And two seasons of zero-gee football. I'll see you in the spring. Lister grabbed the video and was about to leave the room.

"Ah ah ah. Are those total immersion video games?" Rimmer asked. Lister paused, eyeing the parcel.

"These are brilliant," Lister said, picking up the canister. "You can't get these for love nor money—like Venus's arms or Brooke Shields' buttocks."

"What are they?" Rimmer asked

"They're computer games, yeah? But electrodes go into your frontal lobes and hypothalamus, so you feel as if you're really there. Yesss."

"Like virtual reality? Sounds fun," Luna smiled. "It is, Lu. We can play later if you want," Lister grinned.

Luna nodded, "You're on, Davey boy."

Rimmer eyed them. "Fine. Holly, something for you—a video letter."

"Bung it on," Holly said.

Lister inserted the cassette. A face similar to Holly's, but with glasses, appeared on the monitor.

"Strike a light, it's Gordon". Holly beamed."Who's Gordon?" Rimmer quizzed

"He's the eleventh-generation AI computer aboard the Scott Fitzgerald. He's got an IQ of eight thousand".

"Alright, Hol? The voice belies the IQ estimate. "It-- It's Gordon."

 

Holly smiled. "He's got awesome intellect, I'll tell you."

"I'm just sending my chess move: Pawn to King four. Your move. Better sign off now—see you, Hol." Gordon paused onscreen. "How do you turn this off?"

Lister shut off the video. "Playing postal chess with him, are you?"

"Well, A chance to lock horns with an intellect of that calibre, I'd be a fool not to. Pawn to King four, eh? He's a sly one".

"So who's winning, Hol?" Luna asked

"He is. That was the first move," Holly said.

 

Everyone headed back to Rimmer and Lister’s sleeping quarters, with Lister and Luna sitting at the table sorting out the newly delivered mail.

"Me. Me. Me. You. Me." Lister said, tossing his letters aside.

Rimmer lay on his bunk, watching them look through each piece of Mail. "It's all junk mail, yours, you know," the hologram remarked.

" Listy Listy Listy," Luna said, placing a pile beside her.

"You send off for every bit of rubbish going, you do. Just so you'll have some mail to open." Rimmer said with a grin across his smug face

" Me. Me," Lister continued, looking at each letter.

"Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes, I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't." Rimmer spoke in a silly, mocking tone.

"Me. Me. Smeg! "Outland Revenue." Lister groaned . Rimmer sucked a breath, becoming very cheerful to whom Lister got the letter from.

 

"Oh oh oh oh,"Outland Revenue."

 

Lister opened the envelope and began to read the letter's content. "Eight thousand five hundred?" he cried.

"Eight thousand five hundred?!. Rimmer said Happily

"That's a lot of tax, isn't it, Lister? How on Titan are you going to pay for that, eh?".

Luna looked confused. "Huh? It can't be right. Let me see it, Listy".

He handed Luna the letter. She studied the letter carefully, just then a huge smirk grew across her face as she looked down at the bottom bunk. "Lister won't be paying it, Rimsy." Luna paused with a smirk crossing her face.

"It's yours."

 

" What?!" Rimmer cried as he jumped up from the bunk, reading the letter that Luna held in front of him . "No. This is wrong. It's wrong. This is well wrong".

 

" Relax. It doesn't matter now. They're not going to catch you now, are they?" Lister said.

Luna nodded in agreement, "Yeah, he's right, I mean, you're dead, they can't do anything now."

"What do you mean? Just because we're three million years into deep space, and the human species is extinct. That means nothing to
these people. They'll find us." Rimmer panicked more

 

Lister continued to sort out the rest of the mail. "Me......."
" God, I'll be worrying about this all the time now."

"Listy... Hey, I found another one for you, Rimsy. Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Rimmer." Luna read out aloud.

"That's from my mother," Rimmer said.

"Rear Admiral?" Lister asked in confusion,

Rimmer nodded, "Every time I take an exam. I've told her I've passed. It's getting embarrassing now. I should be Commander in Chief of the whole universe.

Luna tried not to laugh. "Shouldn't that be Commander Smeghead of the whole universe?" Lister then burst out laughing at her cocky comment.

 

Both got an unimpressed glare from the hologram.

"Do you want me to open it?" Lister asked. Rimmer gave him a nod. Lister did so and started to read. "Dear Rimmer." Is this from your mum?

 

" That's mumsie!"

Lister was finding it hard to even read. "This handwriting's terrible. "I hope this epistle finds you adequately healthy to discharge your duties.".

Luna stopped him midway, "You know, maybe we shouldn't be reading this deeply personal stuff."

"Just get on with it," Rimmer demanded.

 

Lister went back to reading "I write to--" I can't read that. Oh, "I write to inform." "I write to inform you that your father is dad." Well, of course he is.

 

Maybe it's your father stroke Dad.” Lister said.

 

Luna bit her lip, feeling rather uncomfortable. She knew what the letter was saying, "I think she means dead Lister." Luna whispered to him.

 

Lister held the letter up and examined it more closely. "I can't make it out. You sure that says dead, Luna?".

"My father is dead," Rimmer said

" What?" Lister asked. "My father is dead." Rimmer snapped in annoyance

Luna pointed it out in the letter. " Oh yeah, it's an E," Lister said happily, having solved what it really said. "That's what it is. Your father's dead, Rimmer."

Then he stopped. Realising what he just said. "Oh, eh -- I'm sorry."

"Is that all she says?" Rimmer asked.

Luna looked over Lister's Shoulder. "Just that, "He passed away peacefully in his Jeep." Looking at the letter again, "Sorry...sleep." Luna walked over to the Hologram.

She wanted nothing more than to give Rimmer a hug. But she knew she would just go right through his holographic form.

"Oh, Rimsy... I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. At least he went peacefully." He just looked at her sadly, saying not a single word.

Chapter Text

Chapter 3

Later that evening, Rimmer stood alone in the observation dome staring into space. Luna walked up the stairs to join him. "Can't sleep, Rimsy?"

"Hmmm," was the only response the hologram gave her, "No, me neither." Luna gave a weak smile

"Hmmm".

Luna felt her heart breaking as she looked at him. She stood by his side, gazing out at the stars.

"You know... Me and my Youngest sister and I lost our Grandfather. I was only six, and she was 3 at the time. We got Loads of presents from everyone, like it was Christmas. I remember us wishing that a couple more people would die. So we could complete our My Little Pony sets. Grandma tried to explain to us that he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back”.

 

She told us he was very happy and he'd gone to the same place as our goldfish. Luna giggled at the memory .

"Venus thought they'd flushed him down the toilet. Our mum and dad used to catch us stuffing things down the toilet, like magazines for him to read. Once my grandma caught Venus with her head down the bowl, reading him the football results." Luna let out a little chuckle. picturing the whole thing in her head.

 

Rimmer let out a deep sigh. "I knew he was dead. I mean, they're all dead, aren't they? Just getting that letter makes it seem like it happened yesterday."

Luna felt her heart breaking for him. "You never said much about him to us."

"No,"he bitterly answered.

"You must have been pretty close," Luna asked,

 

" Close?" Rimmer said, pausing for a moment before he answered her, "I hated him. I detested his fat, stupid guts, the pop-eyed, balding git."

"Eh?" Luna gasped.

He always wanted to join the Space Corps -- be an officer. But they wouldn't take him because he was an inch below regulation height. One inch. I had three brothers. When we were young, he bought a traction machine so that he could stretch us. By the time my brother Frank was eleven, he was six foot five. Every morning he'd measure us and if we hadn't grown, back on the rack." The hologram explained

 

"I'm sorry to speak ill of the dead, but it sounds like he had a screw loose".Luna said, then she covered her mouth,

"I don't think he had one screw fully tightened, to be perfectly honest with you. He had a fixation that we all had to join the Space Corps. At meal times, he'd ask us questions on astronavigation. If we got them wrong -- no food." Rimmer explained.

"Oh my God, Rimsy, how did you cope with that?" I had no idea. Lister told me you adored your parents.

"When I was fourteen, I divorced them".

" You did what?" Luna blinked.

"I took them to court. I got paid maintenance until employment age and access every fourth weekend to the family dog."

 

Luna was still puzzled by his reaction to the letter that she and Lister had read out to him earlier. "So why were you so completely blown away hearing about his death?"

 

"Oh, it doesn't mean to say I don't respect him, didn't look up to him. It was only natural -- he was my father."

"I don't mean to speak ill of the dead. But there's nothing natural about your family, Rimsy," Luna spoke, leaning against the railings.

 

"It's just I always wanted just once, just once, for him to say to me, 'Well Done."

"For what?"

"For something, for anything. I wanted him to be proud of me, just once. And now ..."

 

Luna gazed up at him. "If it makes you feel better. I'm glad you found my pod. If you hadn't, I would have been really. Even though your parents weren't proud of you. I am" .

 

He gave Luna a half-smile. He knew she was trying to make him feel better. "You really care about me, don't you?" Rimmer questioned, and a slight blush began to appear on Luna’s face. “Well....I....Ummm...”

Suddenly, they heard the familiar sound of 'Aaaooowww'. Completely wrecking the serious yet tender moment between Rimmer and Luna, Cat appeared beside the two .

"Wow!!! My stomach has been pumped, and now I'm hungry. Hey, there you are! Hey budbabe, I'm so hungry, I just have to eat."

Luna was trying to quieten Cat down, "Shhhhh. Not now, Kitty Cat. Rimmer's dad died". Looking over at the grieving hologram.

"I'd prefer chicken". Cat blurted out without thinking.

Luna facepalmed, shaking her head.

 

A still rather depressed Rimmer lay on his bunk watching one of the news tapes. On the screen, a holographic newsreader was reading the news on Groovy Channel 27.

 

"Good evening. Here is the news on Friday, the 27th of Geldof". Spoke the Newsreader, "Archaeologists near Mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon-dated in Bonn. If genuine, it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read "To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within this book are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental."

 

The page has been universally condemned by church leaders". Europe. A terrorist representing the Revolutionary Working Front, a fanatical left-wing group dedicated to eliminating the--".

Rimmer watched on as Cat walked in, sitting on the end of Rimmer's bunk. "Pause," Rimmer called out. The recording stopped.

"About your father. If it's any help, he's in the ground now. Sure, it's bad news for him. But on the other hand, it's party time for all the little worms." Cat said, wiggling his fingers mimicking worms.

 

Luna and Lister, who had appeared close behind, just stared at him.

Cat got up from the bunk and walked towards them. "There's just no consoling him,". He muttered to the two before leaving.

 

Lister gave Luna a little nudge to try to talk to Rimmer.

 

"He might want to play the T-I-V if you ask him. You seem better at talking to him. The cat and I will meet you in the mail room." Lister whispered to her before leaving.

 

Luna took a deep breath before walking over to him. She sat at the end of the bunk. "Rimsy, listen -- Me and the boys are going to play one of those virtual reality Games. I was wondering if you wanted to come?".

 

Rimmer simply shook his head. "Oh, come on, Rimsy. Holly says he can key you in". Luna smiled a little. But the hologram only shook his head again.

"No?" Luna knew he needed some time to himself. It was for the best to leave him be. "All right, Rimsy," she sighed sadly, getting up from the bunk.

"Play," Rimmer spoke, and the recording continued.

As Luna left the quarters, she glanced back a little over her shoulder. "I hope you're going to be okay... Arnold," she whispered to herself, to meet Lister and the Cat.

 

The video resumed: "--middle class, was arrested today. The man, Henri le Clerque, was attempting to poison the mineral spring in France, which is the source of all the world's Perrier water. Had he succeeded, experts believe the middle class would have been wiped out within three weeks."
Techno news. The new sensation sweeping the solar system is the total immersion video game, "Better Than Life." Using the new senso lock feedback technology,

"Better Than Life" is able to detect all your desires and fantasies and then make them come true." The new reader spoke.

Rimmer shot up, taken an interest in the news report.

"So great is the appeal of 'Better Than Life' that when one store in New Tokyo ran out of stock, rubber nuclear weapons had to be deployed to disperse the crowd. Sport.
England's underwater hockey team's tour of Titan--" the news reporter carried on. Rimmer had already left the quarters in a hurry to find the others.

The four gathered within the Mail room, Rimmer and the Cat watched eagerly as Luna and Lister searched through the mail. The hologram had completely changed his mind about the idea and was now just as keen as the rest.

After a few moments of searching, Luna came across the parcel. " Yes!! found it. Here it is, boys, Better Than Life."

"Brilliant!" Rimmer beamed excitedly.

"Let's play! Hee hee hee".

"I so can't wait for this," Luna said, sounding very enthusiastic and eager. They all put on very strange-looking helmets and pressed large electrodes into their heads.

Stupefied expressions appeared on their faces. "Key me in, Holly," Rimmer ordered.

Soon, the four stood looking as if they were in a drug-induced trance .
..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Suddenly, the crew found themselves inside a steam-filled corridor. They pass through two sets of imposing double doors, which lead them to a beach.

 

"What kind of game is this?" Luna Questioned. Rimmer knelt down, scooping some sand into his hand. It felt very Real. "It's incredible. It's just like being here".

 

Luna knelt down, and she ran her fingers through the sand. "Wow! It's real all right, VR has certainly come a long way from what I remember".

The crew spot the film star Marilyn Monroe making her way towards them.

"Boop boop bi doo". She waved at the males and walked past. The three males stood in total disbelief. Even Luna was in shock.

"That's what her name is, the actress from the 20th century. Err," the hologram pointed, trying to remember her name. "Mary Magdelene!".

Lister groaned, "It's Marilyn Monroe, you gimp.". He gave Cat a little nudge. Spotting the film star looking in his direction. "I think she fancies you".

"What does that prove? She's not blind." Cat said, his attention turning back to Marilyn, "Hey, baby, I'm a little busy right now. I'll catch you later, ok?" he called, waving to her. She waved back.

Luna stood frowning, turning away in a slight huff, "grr...Men."

 

The four carried on walking along the beach. Rimmer pushed through Lister and Luna. "It's absolutely incredible," Luna blinked, seeing his hand resting on her and Lister's shoulders. "He can touch!" she said, astonished. Just then, something caught the hologram's eye.

"Look, Look!"

The others looked onwards, seeing a Napoleonic figure standing in the water.
Rimmer rushed over to him in a moment of excitement.

Luna giggled, watching in awe, "Aww, how cute Rimsy turned into a fan boy."

"Excuse me." He called out excitedly. Napoleon turned around only to be met by a very excitable Rimmer.

"You're probably really busy, but could I just say you are my all-time favourite fascist dictator and I've read all your war diaries and I thought your Italian campaign was simply brilliant." He said, sounding like a hyperactive teenager.

He took out a small black book and pen, handing it over to the war leader.

"Err, could you just sign this for me? Err, make it out to my good pal Arnie from your dear chum Napolean Bonaparte". The French military leader wrote in the little book. "It's not for me, it's for my sister Alison. Errm, we call her Arnie".

 

The others watched on from a distance. "Yep. total Fan boy." Luna sighed dreamily.

Rimmer was pointing in total joy behind Napoleon's head as he watched him sign the autograph. He rejoined the others, still feeling all giddy after meeting his idol.

Lister shook his head in slight embarrassment, "Napoleon Bonaparte's autograph!".

 

Just then, a man appeared beside them from nowhere. The crew looked rather shocked by his sudden appearance. It was the "Better Than Life" Guide.

"Gentlemen! Ma'am! Welcome to "Better Than Life." Well, you must be hungry, and there's a restaurant just a couple of miles down the beach."

"A couple of miles? How are we supposed to get there?" Lister asked.

 

The Guide smiled, "Anyway you want. After all, this is "Better Than Life," then vanished into thin air.

"Anything we want?" Luna asked in wonder.

Lister concentrated briefly for a second, only for a powerful Harley Davidson appeared on the beach before their very eyes.

"Hee hee, Yeah! Yo!" Lister cheered; he and the cat got on the bike, and a pair of sunglasses appeared in their hands. Both putting on the sunglasses.

 

"Luna, jump on! There's plenty of space," Lister asked her. She stood by Rimmer's side. "I'll get my own transport, don't worry, I'll catch up with you two. Besides, I'm not really a biker chick."

"You don't know what you're missing bud babe," Cat said.

 

Lister revved up the bike. Both Males turned around, giving Rimmer the middle finger before driving away,covering the hologram in sand in the process.

Luna tried her hardest not to laugh. She wiped away some of the sand from his shoulder. "So.... it looks like it's just you and me, Rimsy. So what mode of transport are you going to try and impress me with?"
She said, playfully taking his arm.

 

Rimmer knew this was his big chance to impress Luna. He began to concentrate, and a clapped-out Reliant Robin appeared before them.

Luna wasn't that impressed, "Okay....."

"I'm thinking too small. I need to think big!" Suddenly, the burnt-out Reliant Robin became a flashy Jaguar.

"That's more like it. Heh Heh. What do you think of that, Missy?" boasted Rimmer.

 

" Now that's impressive,"she said. He opened the door like a gentleman, "m'lady." Luna giggled, "Why, thank you, gentle sir." Getting inside the Jag.

 

He got into the driver's side of the car and turned on the radio. Luna smirks. "Shall we join the others, Tiger? Or should we have some fun?". She winked, making a seductive growl.

 

Rimmer smirked, "I bet you're wearing a peep-hole bra under that, eh?". Luna chuckled seductively, "Might be". Rimmer growled, biting his hand. He seemed rather pleased with the way things were going.

"We're only one thing away from perfection".

"And what's that?"

Rimmer concentrated again, and a pair of fluffy dice appeared in the car. "Bliss".

Both looked at each other with passion in their eyes. As they drove off along the beach.

Chapter Text

Chapter 4

 

Meanwhile, the Cat and Lister had already arrived at the BTL restaurant, and they sat still awaiting the arrival of Rimmer and Luna.

The restaurant was very classy, yet very colourful. Cat was blowing down straws, as Lister was throwing food into the air, trying to catch it in his mouth as usual.

"Where's Goal-post head and Pinky? I thought they were right behind us".

At that moment, the"Better Than Life" Guide appeared, serving Lister's Meal.

 

"Your caviar vindaloo, sir. Half rice, half chips and lots more bread and butter to follow".The male smiled, placing the food on the table before Lister, who beamed as if it were Christmas day at the sight before him.

"I never thought I'd see the day when I could eat something as classy as this, you know?"

 

"This is 'Better Than Life,' sir,"he said,then turning to Cat, "And yours was the fish, sir?"

 

Cat nodded eagerly, and he started to lick the man's jacket, acting like a typical feline.

 

"What are you doing?" Lister asked with his mouth full of food, some of it falling out as he spoke.

"I always do this when someone gives me food". The Cat continued. The Guide placed a tank full of fish in front of the Cat. "As ordered, sir. Small fish. Are you sure you wouldn't like your fish cooked?

 

Cat shook his head, "No, sir! I like my food to move!" He then produces a fishing rod, dangling
The hook in the tank, "I'm going to eat you little fishy..." he sang happily.

 

It wasn't long before Rimmer walked into the BTL restaurant . He was dressed rather nattily, like someone from a bygone era who had just been out for a drive in an expensive car, complete with goggles.

Luna followed behind him, taking his arm, looking very glamorous. Her long, pink hair flowed down her shoulders, and she wore a purple formal dress along with a white fur Cape that was draped around her shoulders.

The guide saluted them, " Ahh, Mister Rimmer, sir. Miss Astrid, ma'am . Your friends are seated at table K on the second Terrace.

 

"Excellent," The hologram beamed, "shall we, my dear?". Luna nodded. They walked off to join them. The pair is looking at each other, all lovey-dovey.

 

At the table, Cat continued singing happily, trying to catch his meal from the tank. "I'm going to eat you little fishy. I'm going to eat you little fishy cos I like little fish". He laughed, shaking salt into the tank.

Lister sat watching with an incredulous expression.. The two other crewmates joined them. "Sorry, we're late, boys," Luna beamed. Lister looked at her in awe

 

"Wow, Luna, you look.... absolutely incredible."

She giggled a little, "Thank you, Listy."

Ah, I'm sorry we're late, we don't know what happened,". said Rimmer, pulling out a chair for Luna as she sat down at the table

"Let's just say we went for a drive. Well, one thing led to another and..." Luna spoke, becoming like a giddy schoolgirl looking at Rimmer.

"Good God! This is a great game! Twice in one lifetime, I'm turning into Hugh Hefner!" Rimmer said, taking some bread from Lister's plate and eating it.

"You can touch things!" Lister gasped.

 

"I know. Why do you think me and her were so late?" he said, making a sexual gesture with his fist and elbow.

 

Lister almost choked. "W...What!!? You two?" They nodded, acting like lovestruck, slightly unhinged teenagers.

It felt awkward for him to watch them acting all loved up. "Anyways, have you two checked into your rooms yet?

 

"What rooms?" Luna asked.

 

"We get our own rooms. I mean, mine is absolutely brilliant. I've got this vibrating, leopard skin waterbed in the shape of a guitar".

 

"Oh, Sweet! Sounds really Cool."

 

"Yeah? Well, you should take a look at my wardrobe. It's so large that it spans an international time zone. When it's three o'clock where my shirts are, it's seven in the morning for my socks." The cat nodded in a smug manner before going back to his fishing.

As the group was talking, a Voice called out from nowhere."Admiral!" Rimmer looked round, thinking
Someone is showing off.

 

"But what about my electronic lavvy? I mean, this thing comes when you call it, takes your trousers down, does everything for you. It's just so stylish," Lister boasted.

"Okay... that's interesting, yet it would suit you down to the ground, having a toilet that does everything for you," Luna said.

"Admiral!" The voice called out once again.

Rimmer looked around to see where the voice was coming from. "Who is that? Just because some hoity-toity, gonad brain gimp knows an Admiral, does he have to broadcast it?"

 

"Admiral Rimmer, sir!"

 

Rimmer yawned, "Awwwww, yawn-o-rama city. We know an Admiral. Come on." Luna looked across the room and saw a male approaching them

"I think he's meaning you, Rimsy darling."

The owner of the voice now appeared. Doing a Rimmer-style salute. He was dressed
in a Captain's uniform.

 

"Admiral Rimmer, sir. Field Marshall Clifton sends his compliments and wonders if you would care to join him for port and cigars," he spoke, still remaining in his salute through his speech.

 

" Errr, I think there must be some mistake. I'm not an Admiral".

Just at that moment, Rimmer was now dressed in a uniform with more decorations than the Cistine Chapel.

Luna felt her heart racing at the sight of him in the white uniform. He reminded her of Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman. "Hello, Admiral," she said in a seductive manner.

 

"Gentlemen, M'lady, do excuse me," he said, getting up from the table.

Luna gently stopped him, "Do you think you can keep that Uniform for later on, Admiral Rimmer?" she whispered cheekily.

 

Rimmer gave her a cheeky grin in return, "I love this game!" he cheered, walking off with his captain.

 

Luna smiled all lovingly. Just at that moment, a group of teens spotted her. "Oh my god, is her !! Is Luna Astrid!!!?" One fan screamed out excitedly.

The group of teenage fans rushed over to her, holding Magazines, Posters, and CDS. Some were wearing T-shirts with Luna's face and name plastered over them.

 

"What the smegging hell?" Lister asked. Luna was pretty confused herself at all these people wanting her to sign things, screaming her name. "Why are they swarming around Pinky?" Cat questioned .

 

One of the teens heard his rather stupid comment, "Well, Duh, she is Luna Astrid, the biggest pop star on the planet."

Another nodded, "Yeah, and she is dating one of the most eligible bachelors, Admiral Arnold J Rimmer."

"Luna and Rimmer?! Dating?!" Lister and Cat said in unison

Luna smiled brightly. It was her dream to become a singer, and thanks to the game, she achieved her goal of becoming a pop star. She began signing autographs and taking selfies with her fans. "Like Rimsy said, I love this game!!"

 

As Luna continued on with her adoring fans. The Guide appeared once again at the table. He brought out a Beer glass and placed it on the table. "Dom Perignon '54, sir. In a pint mug, as requested."
Lister smiled brightly. "Thank you, my man." He drank the bubbly in one go, spilling a good deal of it. He placed the empty glass on his head. The Cat looked at him strangely.

"That's a good year,"

 

In one of the private dining rooms, the Field Marshal's party was in full swing. Rimmer sat at the head
of the table smoking a cigar. Everyone was laughing and in good spirits.

"So, I said to Hollister ... well, I can't actually remember exactly what I said to him. But it was one of the most enormously cruel and frighteningly witty put-downs ever".

The military men looked at each other for a moment. Then they all burst out laughing.

 

A young cadet shyfully approached Rimmer. "Sir, I know it's a most awful bore, but, err, would you mind just
signing this?". He produced a book and a pen.

 

"What's that, you little pipsqueak?" Rimmer asked, taking the book and pen from the young male. On the front cover of the book was a photo of Rimmer in full uniform.

"My Incredible Career, by Admiral A. J. Rimmer," Rimmer said, reading the front cover. "I've read it eighteen times, sir."

Rimmer signed the book for the young cadet, "There you go, laddo," handing it back to the cadet.

"Oh, thank you, sir. Gosh, I'll be the envy of the academy." The young cadet beamed.

Rimmer stopped and was surprised to see who stood behind the Field Marshal and another officer. It was his late father.

"Son".

"What are you doing here?" He asked.

"I'm sorry to barge in on you and your, err, officer chummies, but--" Mr Rimmer paused.

"Yes?"

Mr. Rimmer was thinking of the right words to say to his son; he was feeling slightly awkward. "I just wanted to tell you--"

"Yes?"Rimmer asked eagerly.

I just wanted to say--" The older male paused, still trying to get the words out.

"Yes?" Rimmer asked again, holding his breath slightly in anticipation, that his late father was going to finally say the words he had been waiting to hear his whole life.

"I just wanted to say—" Mr Rimmer paused, then finally blurted, "You're a total Smeg head!" Rimmer was stunned. "What? This isn't my fantasy!"!""No, it's mine." The Cat strolled in, grinning, swiped Rimmer's cigar, and swaggered out.

 

The game continued, with Lister and the cat enjoying a peaceful game of golf. Lister was dressed just as normal.

But Cat was dressed in the full golfing costume . Lister wasn't playing with much style, just giving the ball a good whack. "Yess, Hooooo".

"Hey, move over, man. I want to plant my egg". Cat said, pushing Lister aside, getting ready for his turn.

 

"It's called a ball". Lister corrected

 

"Are you trying to tell me how to play this game? You think cats never played golf? Ok!". The Cat took a huge swing, spinning around three times, and threw the golf club far into the distance.

Lister ducked for cover to avoid the golf club. Cat was hopping around on one leg, watching the flight of the club.

 

The two wandered the golf course, goofing off and making car noises as they pushed their golf bags.

"I'm really thirsty, you know". Lister said

"Yeah?"

The Guide appeared, carrying a large drink with a firework inside. "Perhaps a banana bomb, sir."

Lister took the drink from the tray, clearly impressed. "Thank you, my man," .

 

The Guide lit the rocket, and it shot off out of the glass.

They both laughed, then continued. As they walked, they passed a large bed where Marilyn Monroe was lying.

 

"Hi sugar! How about a bit of ooby dooby doo?" she spoke in a flirtatious manner towards the Cat.

"How's about a bit of ooby dooby don't."

They carried on walking. Marilyn threw a pillow at him in a huff.

"What a pest!" Cat groaned.

 

The game continued. Lister's golf ball came rolling near the hole, shortly followed by the Cat's golf club that came flying onto the green, landing nearby.

As Lister and the Cat walked up to the Golfing pin, a robotic monitor made an appearance.

"Alright! What's happening, dudes?" Holly said. The two males were pleased to see him.

"We're having a really nice time. I'm dating Marilyn Monroe, and I also have another girlfriend who's a mermaid. She's half woman, half fish." Cat said, holding a photo of the said girlfriend, licking and kissing the photograph.

He turned around, pointing her out.

"It's Miranda, my girlfriend," He waved. A strange-looking creature came out of the water. The top half of her was a fish, the bottom half was a woman.

"Somehow I'd imagined she'd be a woman on top and a fish on the bottom".

The Cat looked slightly baffled at what Holly said, "No! That's a stupid way round". He stuck out his tongue briefly, grinning away as he waved.

 

A small car was driving down a country lane. From the outside of the car, it was heavily loaded.

Rimmer was at the wheel.

The car stopped; it seemed to be in trouble. Rimmer got out to check the engine, arguing with the passenger. Luna stepped out, clearly upset and visibly pregnant.

Lister and Cat peeked over a wall, observing. "Rimmer, what happened to you?" Lister asked. Rimmer pretended all was well, but it clearly wasn't. "Ah, this is a great game, Lister. I couldn't be happier."

Luna stormed towards them. Lister was taken aback when he saw the heavily pregnant Luna. "Oh my god..... tell me that's just Smegging wind".

 

Luna groaned, "Yes, Lister is wind, of course, is not, you gimbiod! I'm pregnant!" Lister and Cat didn’t know how to even react to seeing poor Luna pregnant.

"She got pregnant this morning, and we also got married. is pure Bliss".

 

Luna didn't find this amusing at all, not in the slightest. "Bliss!! You call this Bliss, you arrogant pile of Smeg!!".

Lister noticed his fancy Jag was gone. "Where's your E-type?"

"It was too impractical. With the baby on the way and everything else." Rimmer explained, hiding the real reason.

"You fantasised that you would marry Luna, have a kid, and have a mortgage?"Lister asked.

Rimmer then grabbed hold of Lister's shirt. "Help!" he squeaked.

 

Now Rimmer was wearing old clothes, drinking from a bottle wrapped
in a paper bag. "My brain's rebelled. It just won't accept nice things happening to me. It just keeps fantasising horribleness". He said, sliding down the wall.

 

Things were about to take another odd yet nasty turn when an official-looking man appeared. "Mister Rimmer?"

 

"Yes". Rimmer spoke weakly.

 

The man looked at his papers once again. "Mister Arnold Judas Rimmer?"

"Yes".

 

"Judas? Is his middle name really Judas?, he told me the J stood for Jonathan," Luna whispered to Lister .

"Yeah, it's Judas. He tells everyone that it's Jonathan".

 

"Outland Revenue, sir!" The man smiled, taking great pleasure in this moment.

"Oh my God!" Rimmer cried

 

The Taxman held a formal paper in front of him. "This is a demand for immediate payment".

 

Rimmer took the papers, reading the information, "Eighteen thousand!?".

 

"If you are unable to pay, sir, I am instructed by the Revenue to break both your legs and pull off your thumbs." The male's eyes twitched in an insane manner.

"What am I going to do? I'm broke".

 

" I'll pay. I'll pay. I'll pay. " Lister said going through his pockets but couldn't find any cash. "Where's all my money gone?"

Luna opened her handbag to see if she had any money on her. "Hang on, maybe I might have some money". She rummaged inside her purse only to find nothing. "Hey, all my money is gone. What is going on?"

 

"Oh no! I just fantasised it all away. This is getting worse. Help me!!!". Rimmer cried, "Ah! Don't move! A huge, black, furry spider with big teeth just crawled up your trouser leg".

 

The hologram daren't look. "I know. I just put it there. It's the thing I'm afraid of most
in the whole world -- a tarantula crawling up my trousers".

"Rimmer, this is getting way out of hand now". Luna said. Lister was in agreement with her, "She's right, man!!"

" Do you think I don't know that? Ah! He's past my knee. He's into my boxers.” Rimmer screamed.

"Close your eyes and wish it away!!!".

Rimmer kept his eyes closed, daring not to look. "I can't!"

"Concentrate, Rimsey!!! You can do it!!!". Luna encouraged.

"I can't!".

 

Suddenly, the game underwent a reality shift. All four crew members found themselves on the beach, buried up to their necks. Their faces smeared with Jam.

 

Even Holly was involved.

 

"What's he done now!?" Cat asked.

 

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry".

"What's going on?, What kind of sick hell have you got us into now!!!" Luna screamed angrily.

 

Rimmer glanced at Luna in total fear. "Our faces have been smeared with jam, and we're about to be eaten
Alive by killer ants!!

"Why?"

"Why not?" Rimmer answered back.

" Oh dear. You can't take him anywhere, can you?" Holly said that his monitor was also covered in Jam, just like the others.

Lister was now beyond irritated. Their peaceful game had turned into a virtual nightmare, all thanks to the hologram and his strange, dark imagination. "You've ruined this, Rimmer!"

"We're going to die. We're going to die and it's all my fault!!".

All of them let out a scream, wanting to escape the horrible Nightmare that had befallen them.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5

Back within the safety of the Mail room.
Everyone took off their T.I.V. helmets, furious with Rimmer for ruining the game. Luna checked her stomach and sighed with much relief. "Thank Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars, I'm not pregnant,"

"You're a dinglebat, aren't you?" Lister snapped at Rimmer, who already looked guilty. "Sorry," Rimmer replied.

 

"Yeah! We were having a great time until you and your diseased brain showed up," Cat shot back.
"You're a bozo!" Lister yelled, grabbing another letter. He and Cat stormed off.

"I can't help it. Nice things just don't happen to me," Rimmer called out. Luna was about to leave when Rimmer blocked her. "You know I didn't mean to ruin the game."

 

Deep down, Rimmer knew Luna would be more sympathetic towards him.

 

"You believe me, Luna? Please say you do," Rimmer pleaded.

 

Luna wasn't amused at all and ignored his puppy-dog eyes. "Luna... say something..."

"What can I say? I'll borrow some words from my idol," Luna sang mockingly. "He's just a smeging fool, such a bloody tool, and his middle name is Judas." She stormed out. Rimmer fumed.

 

She caught up with Lister and Cat. Lister opened a letter. "Hey, what's that?"

"It's for Rimmer," Lister said, reading. "Dear Sir, due to a computer error, you were wrongly informed that you failed the astronavigation exam. You passed with honours and are promoted to navigation officer first class."
We enclose your pips and insignia." Smegging hell!"

All three looked at Rimmer in sheer disgust, who followed behind them as they walked into the sleeping quarters.

"Who said you were a loser? Who said nice things never happen to you?" Lister grumbled, slamming the letter down.
Rimmer did a big salute, pleased. Luna rolled her eyes. "Who made Casper the smegging Ghost a navigation officer?"

Just then, the door to the cupboard swung open and the taxman from the game jumped out carrying a big hammer. "I did!"

Everyone jumped. "Oh no, we're still in the game!" Lister cried. Cat dove behind him as Luna and Rimmer clung to each other in fright.

"You certainly are. Now, what about my eighteen grand?" the taxman said, grabbing Rimmer's wrist. "Come on, it's bone-crunching time. Where are those thumbies?"

He placed Rimmer's hand down on the table, pinning it down. Cat watched on in amusement. Both Luna and Lister had their eyes covered, not wanting to look. The tax man raised his hammer before slamming

 

It was down on Rimmer's hand.

GAME OVER!!!!!