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Chapter Text

James

James is sure he normally hates this song. He’s sure that if this song were to have come over the speakers just a couple of hours ago he would have yelled across the room for Sirius to change it until his request was honored. 

But James is currently standing on his coffee table, looking at Remus through slitted eyes and slurring along to the words. He thinks that he might be quite drunk. 

This was how it had gone. The party at Marauder Avenue began with the pregame: James’ favorite part. He had tossed back shots with Sirius, complaining that he simply wasn’t “drunk enough," even when he was about 5 deep.

Then, she walked in. 

Lily Evans had walked in the party, quite tossed herself, and surrounded by her troupe of friends. Lily Evans had walked in and James had emptied the bottle of vodka that was left on the countertop. 

It wasn’t that James didn’t like Lily. In fact his issue was quite the opposite; he was in love with her. Despite the fact they had broken up just 4 months ago. Or rather, she had broken up with him. 

Needless to say he was handling it quite well. 

“Oi! Potter!” 

Plastic cups crinkled under him as he stumbled forward on the table. Remus’ hand was suddenly on James’ waist. “Easy Prongs. Get off the table.” 

James offered an easy smile, looking down at Remus through his glasses. “Of course, Dad.” Quite dramatically James extended his right leg far out in front of him before jumping onto the carpeted floor, right in front of where Sirius was standing. 

“Pads!” James exclaimed, extending both of his arms and stumbling forward into his best friend. “Oh Pads, where have you been?” And then, attempting to lower his voice, said, “Remus here thinks I’m drunk. Can you believe it?” 

“You, James Potter, drunk? Why Remus I am ashamed. Our lovely friend here is just having a good time. Loosening up. And you know it’s about time too, he’s been so wound up lately.” 

“Exactly!” James echoed, spinning on Remus and pointing an accusatory finger. “A good time!” With clumsy hands he fumbled his way into Sirius’ jacket pocket, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. “Off for a smoke.” he explained, waving the pack about before spinning on his heel and heading for the back door. 

James stumbled through the crowd, getting stopped on his way out by practically everyone. How were his parents? What classes was he taking this term? Would they be hosting again for Halloween? James answered as best he could, the words he said leaving his brain and floating away into the air, sure to forget them just after he spoke. 

Yeah, the voice in his head thought, you might be drunk. 

The back door swung open and James tumbled out into the night, deeply inhaling the cold air. He blinked slowly as he pulled a cigarette out of the pack, bringing it to his lips to light. 

James did not smoke. At least he didn’t smoke how Sirius did, which was almost every day it seemed. No, James did not even smoke when he was drunk. Which was how he should have known he was completely and utterly wasted. After all, a cigarette only seemed like a good idea when he was so plastered he wouldn’t be able to taste the smoke and tobacco on his lips. 

James took a long drag of the cigarette, leaning himself against the wall. Time seemed to move differently now. He had a prickling feeling of anxiety at the back of his mind. 

What time was it? Where was his phone? Had he called his mom today? Where was Lily? 

His last thought hit his chest like a bullet. He lifted the cigarette back up to his lips, inhaling long enough to make him cough. 

James coughed on the smoke in his lungs, coughed hard enough to make him drop the cigarette on the ground. Everything suddenly seemed to be spinning. One minute his body was swaying to the left, the next he was tipping forward. Saliva began to pool at the back of his mouth. 

James tried to straighten himself up, quickly swallowing. “No.” he said out loud, as though he’d be able to will the nausea away. But it wasn’t enough, James began to feel his stomach cramp, and soon he couldn’t swallow the saliva fast enough. He gagged, placing a hand over his mouth. No, he thought this time. Not when Lily is here. 

Suddenly, James no longer had control of his body. With his hands on his knees, James hunched over the grass and vomited. His eyes burned with tears and he managed a shaky breath. But soon enough he was vomiting again, absolutely defiling the landscaping that Peter had just finished that morning. 

“Holy shit.” A voice says from behind him. 

***

Regulus

Regulus was not in the mood to go out. Sure, he enjoyed a good party, and after the events of the past year Regulus felt a lot closer to his brother and his friends, but some nights he did not want to drag himself out of bed to watch a bunch of people drunker than himself. 

“Barty, my brother throws about a million parties throughout the term. There will be others. Besides, he says you lot are still invited even if I back out.” 

“Listen up you little shit.” Barty says from the other side of the dormitory. He’s holding two bottles of beer in his hand, waving them in Regulus’ direction. “You are coming out tonight. Whether you want to or not. This is setting the tone for the rest of the year. Last I checked you wanted to have a good year.”

“This conversation is turning mean.” That’s Evan, seated on his ass in between the two beds. “Reg, all we’re saying is that you’d have a lot more fun out with us tonight than you would sitting in here reading classical literature or whatever it is you’re absorbed in right now.”
“I bet the classics are a front. He’s reading filthy smut over there.” 

Regulus looks down at the book in his hands. The first words his eyes catch upon are “his hard member.” Regulus rolls his eyes anyways. 

“Besides,” Evan continues, “If you aren’t having fun we’ll leave straight away.” 

So that’s how Regulus ends up at his brother’s house wearing a baggy t-shirt and nursing his third beer of the night. He wasn’t sure why he let his friends bully him into coming to this. After all, he was definitely not having fun, but he was definitely not going to ruin their fun. Especially not as Barty had Evan pushed up against a corner, whispering into his ear. Regulus figured they were fucking, he just couldn’t prove it quite yet. 

“Little brother!” Sirius yelled, swinging an arm around Regulus’ shoulder. “How are you enjoying yourself?” 

“Oh-” he stammers, turning to look at him “Alright I suppose. The music is kind of shit though.” 

Sirius narrows his eyes. “Did James tell you to say that?” 

Regulus’ heart jumps. James. 

“James?” he exclaims. “No, I haven’t seen him the whole night actually.” 

“He hates this playlist. He’s always trying to get me to play some pop hits from the 2010’s. Says it’s best to dance to.”
James would dance at parties. Regulus thinks, and hates himself for it. Ever since reconciling with Sirius during his junior year of high school, he’s been drawn to his best friend. At the time it was inconceivable. Here was Regulus, 16, incredibly depressed, and recently out as gay. There was James, a college freshman, charismatic, and desperately in love with Lily Evans. Hell, who was Regulus kidding? It wasn’t like much had changed in 3 years. 

“Ah.” he responds. “Well maybe he’s onto something with that.” 

“Reg!” This is Remus, arm looping around his brother’s waist. “Oh I’m so glad you made it, Sirius said he wasn’t sure if you’d come. Well help yourself to anything and you’re of course welcome to crash on the couch.” 

Regulus liked Remus. He liked him before Sirius and him started dating, and why wouldn’t he? Remus was incredible. He was kind to Regulus, often playing good cop when Sirius played bad cop. He supposed his brother could date someone worse. 

“...for fucks sake he’s going to kill himself doing that.” Regulus was roused from his thoughts to see Remus staring across the room at none other than James Potter. 

Fuck. Did he have to look so hot?  Hair a mess, glasses askew, and enough alcohol in his system to make him even louder than usual, Regulus was surprised he hadn’t seen him sooner. 

“Dear God,” Sirius says. “There is no way in hell James is shaking ass on the table right now.” 

Remus takes off, shaking his head and muttering something about being a lightweight. 

“So Reg.” Sirius turns back to him. “Which one of these boys are you going to snog tonight? Because if you’re having trouble getting some by yourself then I have no issue being your wingman. So long as everything stays above the belt of course.” 

Oh not now. There was no way Sirius really wanted to discuss his sex life right now. He wasn’t sure what was more humiliating, that he didn’t have one, or his older brother knowing he didn’t have one.

“Sirius.”
“What? You’re 19! It’s entirely normal, in fact even healthy, for you to be experimenting and-” 

“Sirius.” Regulus urges. “I think Potter is about to plummet face first onto your boyfriend.” 

“Oh fuck. Oi Potter!” he yells, charging in their direction. 

Regulus exhales a sigh of relief and takes the opportunity to sneak away to the back yard. He has a good time at his brother’s, truly he does, but considering all he’s been through lately it does seem a bit overwhelming at times. After all, he had just been discharged 5 months ago. Sure, it was a decent enough time ago that perhaps he should be more adjusted by now. And maybe that’s what makes it all worse. The expectation that he should be fine by now. That he should be just fine at every meal and never turn away one of Remus’ freshly baked goods. 

But the truth is most days don’t just feel like a battle, but a full-on war with himself. From picking out clothes in the morning to sitting in the dining hall and staring at the large array of options. Most days he thinks it will never be better. That there will always be the sick urge at the back of his head to starve himself, the craving to not only look skinnier but to feel the lightheadedness and the cramps of hunger. But then there are the days that he feels a little hopeful. That the breakfast in front of him isn’t so scary, and that the options for his fashion have expanded since he fits into his pants again. 

Regulus is pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of coughing. Regulus looks behind him to find none other than James Potter fumbling with a cigarette, smoke pouring from his mouth. 

I didn’t know James smoked. Regulus scolds himself for not only thinking about James, but for the amount of staring he’s doing. He shakes his head of his thoughts and turns his head back to the sky. Stupid straight James Potter. He lets himself think. 

Except he’s drawn back to his direction by the sudden sound of retching. This is how Regulus sees James hunched over, properly vomiting into the grass, and all over his own shoes. “Holy shit.” he says out loud. 

He wasn’t sure when he moved to be so close to James, but suddenly his hand is on his back, attempting to be comforting. James begins to straighten himself up, blinking rapidly and raising a shaking hand to his mouth. 

“You okay? Here, take a seat.” Regulus gently takes hold of James’ shoulder, guiding him to one of the chairs they keep outside for when James and Sirius want to show off their football skills to Peter and Remus. 

Regulus has seen James drunk on plenty of occasions. He’s seen it at other parties, through FaceTime, and even over some drunken texts about how lucky Regulus is to have Sirius as a brother. But never has Regulus seen James this drunk. 

“I’m- I’m really sorry-” James slurs, voice barely more than a whisper as his head lolls backwards. He seems to even be swaying as he’s sitting down. 

“No- no don’t be sorry. I- uh- want me to grab someone?” 

Regulus can’t tell if James is shaking his head or if it’s just lolling about again. And right when he’s about to ask him for clarification James throws up again. And this time, all over himself. 

Chapter Text

James

The music is too loud. Who in their right mind would be playing music so loud? 

“He’s out here-” A door slam. “I don’t know, he just started puking all over himself.” 

“James. James.” Warm hands hold onto the sides of his face, gently lifting his head up from the broken position it was in, bent back to stare at the sky.

All of a sudden James is looking at a very blurry Remus. His eyes slowly blink close and open. “Hello my moon-” James manages. With a great deal of effort he swallows. “I think- I think I’ve made a mess.” 

“You think?” This is Sirius. When he got there James has no clue. “Arms up mate, you’ve just about wrecked this shirt.” 

James lets out the sigh of a laugh, his head falling forward. He catches sight of the vomit all down the front of his shirt and his lap, letting out a small groan. Thankfully he was only vomiting up liquids at this point. 

“Remus hold his head up. Reg I need you to help me with his shirt.” 

The voice seems far away, and with much effort James peels his eyes open just as Remus takes his glasses off, tucking them away in his pocket. He feels his arms lifted up by soft, slightly cold hands. His eyes slowly follow these hands all the way to their owner. Regulus. 

Suddenly James feels all too hot. His heart is pounding out of his chest. He’s on fire, like he’s been electrocuted. He thinks he might be sick again. 

“Did I-” James swallows, “Did I ever tell you guys about Prague?”

This past summer James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter took a boy’s trip to Prague for about 5 days. One of the nights James had disappeared, much to the intrigue, and concern, of the other boys. Suddenly James feels like he has to tell them what happened. 

“James.” The hands on his face squeeze at his cheeks a little harder. “Prague is not important right now, help Regulus and keep your arms up.” 

The cold night air shocks at his chest, cooling him down. His head suddenly falls forward, and he sees Remus at his feet, taking off his shoes. He has the distant thought that he really liked those shoes. They’re red Converse. “...Need those-” he mumbles. 

“You are not bringing the puke shoes into the house James. Ready Remus? Come on Jamie, arms around my shoulder, there you are. Reg, get the door.” 

James feels himself getting lifted out of the chair, body slumping forward as Remus and Sirius hold him up by the arms. Suddenly he’s dragged into the too hot, too loud living room. Sure, Remus and Sirius are trying to be as inconspicuous as possible but James Potter is a tall guy, and he’s also taken to groaning with each step he takes. 

But Remus and Sirius are relentless, dragging him through the party with one goal in mind: get him up the stairs before James can see Lily. What they didn’t account for was Lily seeing James. 

“James! James oh my God-”

“Evans I really need you to move if you want to stay out of the splash zone.” Sirius huffs. 

James can hear Lily. Lily is here. Lily has been here and she didn’t say hi. Didn’t say hi until James was dragged through the party with vomit still on his pants.

He lifts his head, dropping it against Remus’ shoulder. “‘Ello Lils-” he chokes out. And he knows his voice, he hears the waver. He can feel the hot tears burning behind his eyes and-

And before he knows it he’s being dragged at double time up the stairs. 

“Regulus, that’s his room, open it up.” 

James finds himself deposited on the cool tile of his bathroom floor, his arms placed to be hugging the toilet bowl. He manages to lift his head, finding that his eyes lock onto Regulus awkwardly standing by the bathroom door, a look of disgust, and perhaps concern, on his face. 

Saliva quickly pools at the back of his throat and James says, “Reg, you look great tonight.” Before vomiting into the toilet. 

***

2 weeks later 

Regulus 

Reg, you look great tonight. 

Regulus hasn’t been able to shake that night from his head. Can’t forget the glassy look in James’ eyes as he looked Regulus over. How he had continued retching until Sirius ushered Regulus out of the room, apologizing and urging him to enjoy the rest of the party. 

It’s been 2 weeks and Regulus still can’t get it out of his head. The tanned, perfect abs that had lay under his ruined shirt, how his curls had begun to wind up a bit tighter as his forehead sheened with sweat. 

Fucking stalker. He thought to himself. 

He was sitting in the house on Marauder Avenue, invited over by Remus. Seeming to remember the laptop and books spread in front of him, Regulus tried to resume writing his essay. 

“Alright, muffins are ready.” Remus announces, gently pulling the muffins from their tin to rest on a platter. 

Regulus stares at them for a long moment. Tries to not think about how he had watched Remus dump sugar and chocolate chips into the bowl. What was even the point of having one? He had had lunch. Sure, lunch had practically turned into pushing food around on his plate until he felt it was socially acceptable to get up and leave, but he had definitely had those strawberries. 

No. The second voice in his head thought. That’s not lunch.

This was how most days were lately. Wanting to be better, trying to be better, and oftentimes miserably failing. 

Regulus grabbed a muffin. It was easier to eat when he was with people. When he could distract himself with conversation. 

“Remus.” Regulus prompts. 

“Mhm? What’s up Reg?” Remus has jumped onto their countertop, peeling back the baking paper. 

“How come James and Lily broke up? I just haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since the party.”

Remus sighs. This has obviously been a point of contention for the group. “You know,” Remus starts, “I think James always loved Lily more than she loved him. And I don’t mean that rudely I just think- James was talking about marrying her and I just think Lily is more practical than that.” He takes a bite of the muffin and offers a shrug. “James didn’t tell us much. But he did tell us that she broke up with him.”

Regulus is quiet, lost in thought. He looks down, picking the part of the muffin with the least amount of chocolate chips visible and taking a bite.  “I’ve never seen him that drunk.” 

Remus sighs again, shaking his head. “I’m just glad he hasn’t drank like that again. We all take it too far sometimes. But if cleaning him up like that was going to be a new thing I’d have to put a stop to it.” 

Regulus nods, gently picking out a chocolate chip so he can have another bite. “Well, I’m glad he seems back to his usual self.” 

But the conversation didn’t soothe him. In fact the thoughts swirled around faster in his head. 

Reg, you look great tonight. 

You look great tonight. 

Reg. 

***

James

James hates himself. He can’t remember when it started, but when thinking about it, the thoughts seem to go back further and further. 

There’s little things. How he’s often just a little too loud, how he never seems to have enough time for his friends lately. How his hair is so unruly it drives him crazy, and on his worst days he wants to rip it out of his head in clumps. 

Then there’s the big things. How he got too drunk 2 weeks ago and ruined his friends’ night. How that night in Prague has been eating him alive from the inside out. And most pressing, how it’s the second week of the term and he’s already failed a quiz. 

The email notification angrily glares at him. 

Your assignment has been graded. 

4/15

Submission Comments: “Please come to my Office Hours. Additionally, TA’s are available for tutoring.” 

“Fuck.” he says out loud. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He studied for this test. He sat in the living room for hours with Remus, poring over worksheets and watching countless Youtube videos. Though, maybe that night he hadn’t been as focused as he’d have liked to be. He scratches at his thighs, remembering how badly they had stung that night. How every time he moved a fresh pain had rolled over him. It hurt, and he craved it. Maybe he had spent more of the night chasing after that hurt instead of paying attention. 

“Fuck.” he says again, hands finding his curls and yanking harshly. He takes a few stuttering breaths, yanking a little bit harder, like he could rip the thoughts out of his head. He shouldn’t. He promised himself when this started, this would not be a regular thing. Only when he really needed to feel it. But isn’t that what he needed right now? He grabs his phone, navigating to his pinned group chat. 

Marauding Men

Remus 

Regulus is coming over, by the way. 

Sirius

btw

Remus

It does not save that much time. 

James

hey i have an online quiz due

imma lock my door until im done

if i dont pads might come in here naked 

Sirius 

you love me naked 

James exhales, locking his phone and tossing it onto his bed. This is the hardest part, covering for himself. He hates lying to his friends, hates it so much that it begins to fester with the rest of his thoughts. Lying to your fucking friends. Stupid fucking bitch. 

He fumbles with his door knob, watching it as he backs away to his bathroom. Like it would magically unlock itself. Like someone would just come in here and stop him. 

He’s sobbing now, full gasping sobs that bring him to his knees in the bathroom. Clinging to his hair he pulls hard, letting his head fall back against the door and bang against it a couple of times. 

You failed. You failed a stupid fucking quiz, where the class average was an 80%. What is wrong with you? You failed. 

The words spiral in his head, nagging at the back of his mind until he can’t handle it anymore. He opens his cabinet and fumbles for the back, stops when his fingers feel the cool touch of his blade. 

When he started this little habit at the end of last term he knew he couldn’t put them somewhere visible. Didn’t want to draw attention to long sleeves and refusing to go shirtless. 

So now he sat, his shorts and boxers pulled just low enough to expose his hips. He shudders as he observes his canvas. 

There's a group of scars that are in the fresh stages of scabbing over. You promised this wouldn’t be a habit. He hates himself even more, when he can see them all laid out like this. His hands are shaking as he reaches for the blade, making a hesitant cut over one of his scabbing wounds. 

I could tear them open. He thinks. It would hurt more. 

So that’s what he does, watching the red blood pour over his tan thighs, staining his fingertips and threatening to spill onto his jeans. He quickly fumbles for the toilet paper, mopping himself up where it’s gotten unruly. 

The thoughts don’t ebb, they’re eating him alive. But with each cut he feels himself relax a little more. Like there is now proof of how horrible he truly is, so he can let it rest. 

When his crying stops, and the amount of blood begins to concern even him, he starts the slow process of cleaning himself up. Mopping up the floor, cleaning the blade, hiding the blade. 

When he’s done he stares at himself in the mirror for so long he begins to look like a stranger.

Chapter Text

Regulus 

“Who the fuck would even make this a requirement? I mean it just doesn’t even make sense!” 

“Which class are you bitching about over there?” Sirius asks from the kitchen. 

“Anatomy!” Regulus shouts back. “I’m a literature major. In what world should I be required to memorize all these bones and organs.”

“Oh gee.” Sirius says, voice dripping in sarcasm. “How dare the school make you understand the functions of your own body.”

Regulus shoots a cutting glare, even though Sirius can’t see it, he hopes he feels his disdain through the doorway.

“Just ask James!”

“What?!”

“You heard me.” Sirius appears in the doorway, bowl of popcorn in hand. “Just ask James.” He repeats, plopping himself down on the couch next to Regulus. “He’s like…an anatomy God.”

Regulus raises an eyebrow. “Seriously? How is that even a niche someone could have?”

Sirius shrugs, “He’s a sports medicine major, that’s how I suppose.”

Regulus pauses, he didn’t know that about James. He had just assumed he would have been in something like business or marketing considering he was such a smooth talker. 

Just then, there was the loud thud thud thud of footsteps on the stairs. “Am I being talked about?”

It’s James, and he looks…wow. He’s straight out of the shower, his hair dripping wet, and beginning to coil up into curls. He’s shirtless, and wearing a pair of obscenely short athletic shorts. 

Regulus feels his neck go hot. He looks away, staring at his laptop. 

“Jamie! Little Reggie here is struggling in anatomy.”

“Anatomy 124 or 140”

“124. With Pomfrey.” Regulus responds. 

“Ah. Easy.” James reaches over the back of the couch, grabbing a fist full of popcorn. “I’m going to the library tomorrow around 5pm. Join me and I’ll help you out.”

“No really that’s-“

“That’s perfect!” Sirius interjects. “Absolutely perfect!” 

Great. Regulus thinks. It’s bad enough he can’t get Potter’s stupid drunk words out of his head and has to watch him show off his stupid abs, but now he has to have a private tutoring session. 

Just great. 

***

James 

James got to the library early so he could get started on his math coursework. Obviously his last studying tactic didn’t work, so maybe being surrounded by the academics of the school, (AKA the nerds who actually utilize the library) would help him secure a better grade on the next quiz. 

All too soon his alarm goes off, reminding him to finish up his work before Regulus arrives. 

Right on cue James looks up to see Regulus walking through the doorway, looking between his phone and the room around him. James had gotten his number from Sirius and texted him earlier that day. 

James

hey reg! 

ill be at the lib at 5 

3rd floor east

theres coffee up there

u want some? 

Regulus

Okay. See you there.

No, that’s alright. 

James had wound up buying Regulus a coffee anyways. Black, with cream and sugar on the side. 

“Regulus!” James waves him over to his table that he’s secured by a window overlooking the grounds. "I got you a coffee." He says, nodding his head towards the cup.

“James...Thank you. You didn't have to do that. And thanks for meeting with me too.”

“Oh of course, I love anatomy. I almost became a TA for the intro classes.” 

“Why didn’t you?” Regulus asks.

Why didn’t you? Why didn’t you?

The words echo in his head. 

Because I’m too dumb at everything else. Because my GPA was too low. Because I failed 2 classes last term. 

“Well it’s just a lot of work isn’t it?” 

Regulus nods, “Yeah. Well and it’s your last year. You should enjoy it.”

Last year. 

James doesn’t want to think about the fact that it’s looking less and less likely that this will be his last year. In fact, it’s looking like he will be asked to leave university entirely if he messes up another time. 

Clearing his throat James nods. “Yes um- well anyways! Anatomy.” 

James rifles through his backpack, pulling out his stash of old notes and worksheets. “Let’s start with the skull.”

As James begins to explain the sections of the skull he pushes a diagram in front of Regulus. 

“See, the thing about anatomy is that you can’t just look at a picture. You have to know where it is on you.”

James has that glint in his eyes, the one he gets when he’s entirely confident in what he’s doing. Sports and anatomy those are the things that get a rise out of him.

“For instance,” he continued. “This is the temporal bone.” He says, holding his hand up by his ear. “And it’s right here on you…” 

He’s not sure why he does it. Not sure what possesses him to reach forward and touch his fingers to Regulus’ temple. He feels the softness of his curls, his soft skin hiding just below. James is staring into his gray eyes; eyes he can’t seem to look away from. The shadows his long lashes are casting over his cheekbones, the soft blush creeping up his neck. James’ heart is beating far too fast. He clears his throat and pulls his hand back like he’s been burned.

James tries to regain control. Tries to steady his hands that are shaking as he reaches for the notebook. It’s too quiet. It’s too hot. And he can’t get that image out of his head. Can’t erase the feeling of Regulus’ skin beneath his fingertips. His heart is pounding out of his chest. James is pretty sure he’s going to have a heart attack. 

“I-“ He’s breathing too fast. James is completely and utterly losing control. “I can’t do this-“ It comes out no louder than a whisper, rushed; James begins snatching all of his things except for the binder filled with his old anatomy notes, leaving it on the table for Regulus.

Without a second glance at Regulus he’s putting his backpack on and racing out the doors. He runs all the way back to Marauder Avenue, feeling like he might die. 

***

Sirius 

“Well, Peter is off at his internship, and Prongs is with Reg…what’s the harm Moony?” Sirius has Remus backed up against the kitchen counter, his leg in between Remus’ thighs. 

Remus is flushed, and damn near panting; Sirius loves him like this. 

He lowers his lips to Remus’ neck, leaving a gentle kiss, just before he pulls off he lets his tongue graze over his skin. 

“Yes but- Sirius I can’t think straight- They could come back.”

Although Sirius must admit, it doesn’t look like Remus is trying too hard to resist him. His legs are slowly falling open, and his arms are looped around Sirius’ neck, drawing him in closer. 

“Mmm.” Sirius mumbles. “Yes, I guess they could.” 

His hands are sliding under Remus’ shirt, feeling the taut muscles that lie beneath. Just as Sirius is about to strip him of everything and take him right there in the kitchen, the door barges open. 

Remus quickly pushes Sirius aside, jumping away from him. 

“Who- James?! Aren’t you meant to be with Reg?” Sirius asks incredulously. His first thought is to be irritated. Just when he’s about to have some good old fashioned alone time with his boyfriend he gets cock blocked. 

“...James-” He hears Remus whisper, and that draws Sirius out of it. 

James looks as though he’s seen a ghost. His face is pale, and he’s breathing so hard he’s practically gasping for air. 

“James, mate, breathe.” Sirius urges. 

James shakes his head furiously. His hands are in his hair and he’s tugging, tugging hard. Sirius feels helpless as he watches him pace in the corridor. 

Remus gets to him first, placing a gentle hand on his arm. “James. I need you to look at me. In my eyes- there you are. Deep breaths. Inhale with me- good, good. And exhale.” 

James slowly begins to look less panicked, but his hands are still in his hair, death grips on his delicate curls. 

Sirius inches closer, gently grabbing hold of one of James’ hands and detangling it from his hair. “James, are you okay?” 

Though his breathing has slowed, tears begin to well in his eyes. 

He looks like a caged dog. Sirius thinks. 

And then James says the last thing he thought he would. 

“I think I’m going to flunk out.” 

***

Regulus

“He hates me. I think I damn near gave him a panic attack from how much he hates me.” 

“That’s fucked up, man. If I ever see Potter I swear I’m gonna-” 

“Barty.” Evan cuts in. “Reg I’m really sorry about that. But I mean this all seems kind of out of nowhere. I mean you were sitting in the library and then all of a sudden he runs out?” 

Regulus sighs, the memory of the event coming back to him. How James’ hand had rested on the side of his head, almost playing with a curl for a moment before he had suddenly run out on him. Leaving him behind with the- 

“He left you his binder?” Barty is hovering over Regulus’ desk, reaching for the blue binder that Regulus is currently staring a hole into. 

“No.” Regulus says. “I’ll give it back to him.”

Evan is still quiet, looking between the binder and Regulus. 

“I don’t know, mate. Maybe he’s sick or something. Seems like this could all be cleared up.”

“Well it’s not exactly like he needs to be friends with Potter anyway. He’s just Sirius’ best friend.”

“Oh gee, that makes me feel better.” Regulus leans back in his chair, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palm. “I just wish I knew what it is that I did.” 

“Like I said, I’m sure it’s all perfectly explainable.”

“Doubtful. I always pegged him as a prick.”

“Crouch you are the last person to talk about who’s a prick-”

Regulus tunes out the bickering as he absentmindedly stares at the cover of the binder where in James’ (horrible) handwriting he’s written: 

Property of James F. Potter

Chapter Text

James 

He was pretty sure he was losing his mind. That was the only viable explanation for why he had lost it over looking into Regulus’ eyes. He wasn’t sure why he lied. Why would he have preferred announcing his dirtiest secret instead of telling the truth: he got anxious staring at Regulus. 

Except maybe that was his dirtiest secret. That Regulus had piqued his interest; had made him feel like he was on fire. And that scared him. Scared him even more than telling his best friends that he was probably going to fail out of university. 

They had handled it…well. Actually Sirius had screamed and he was sure Remus was about to cry. He felt like he was disappointing his parents. God his parents. 

That had been Remus’ first point. Tell your parents. Which of course was inconceivable. He hadn’t even planned on telling his friends until it got to the point that he was kicked out. 

So he had listened to the various plans and ramblings of his friends, scratching at his hips while they bickered amongst one another. 

“I’ll set you up with a tutor.” 

“Talk to McGonagall. I’m sure she’d speak to the board on your behalf.” 

“Actually, I can tutor you.”

“Sirius that is the worst idea I have ever heard-” 

“What?! You don’t think I could?”

James tuned them out. He couldn’t hurt himself tonight, it was too soon. But if his scabs just ripped open…if he could just chase that little bit of pain…

“James.” His head snapped up, his hands stilling. 

“Huh?”

“Get some rest. We can brainstorm in the morning.” Remus settled the matter.

But James was not getting rest. Instead he was staring at his wall, visions of Regulus’ eyes, his hair, his skin, God just him, floating around his head. 

What was happening to him? 

That reaction to his best friend’s little brother was more than absurd. It was downright embarrassing. And not that James was homophobic, no of course he wasn’t. After all, if he was up too late he could often catch noises of more than illicit activities happening just down the hall. 

No, he was not homophobic. But he also wasn’t gay. Of course he wasn’t gay. He’d spent 3 years of his life loving Lily Evans, and he was still mourning their relationship 4 months after it ended. 

He was not gay. And yet...what about Prague? 

No. James scolded himself. That was different. He was drunk, he was trying to rebound from his relationship with Lily. That was entirely different. 

*** 

Prague, Czech Republic 

2 months earlier- July 

2am

James was drunk. He was drunk and he had no idea where his friends had gone off to. They had begun their night at Dog Bar. An underground bar with disgustingly cheap cocktails, and incredibly crowded rooms. James loved it. 

He had lost Sirius and Remus about 30 minutes ago. Feigning illness, Sirius had dragged Remus after him into the bathroom. But James knew he was too sober to be ill. 

As for Peter he had found himself at the foosball table, flirting with a girl from Amsterdam. Good for him. James had distantly thought, as he wandered away from him and through the narrow halls. 

So, it was 2am and James had no idea where his friends had gone off to. The plan had been to reconvene at 2:30am outside the bar, and spend the rest of the night at Duplex. But surely plans had changed right? 

So that's how James found himself outside the bar, alone, and trying to figure out how to pay for a Lime scooter. At least he had been trying to pay for the Lime scooter when he suddenly found himself laying in a large pile of the scooters. He must have been more drunk than he thought. 

“Alright there?” A voice had said from above. James had looked up to see a man staring down at him, offering his hand. 

James accepted it, letting himself be hauled up. “Thanks mate. Just trying to head over to Duplex.” 

“Oh really? My friends and I were just about to head over. Come on, we can walk together.” 

3am

Soon enough James was standing at the very posh bar, while the man next to him paid for his drink. “Thanks mate, I really appreciate it.” 

“Yeah ‘course. With someone as pretty as you I should be paying for your drinks the rest of the night.”

James chuckled, but something stirred in the pit of his stomach. 

3:30am 

The man was saying something in his ear but James couldn’t quite make it out. Somehow there was an arm around his waist, resting firmly on his hip. 

James turned his head to look at the man properly. He watched how his blonde hair changed color with the flashing lights. How he could see his collarbone and chest popping out from his collared shirt. How his hand was so big resting on his hip. James felt entranced by him. 

If he was sober he wouldn’t have done it. That’s what he told himself later. He would have made great friends with him and things would have ended there. 

But that’s not what drunk James had decided. Drunk James, because he was surely a man with a mind of his own, grabbed onto the sides of the man’s face and kissed him fiercely. 

He had moaned into his mouth as the man bit his lip, sighed when the man slid his hand up James’ shirt. 

James felt like he was floating. He wasn’t sure how long they made out for. Wasn’t sure when the man had sat down at a chair and James had sat himself on the man’s lap, practically straddling him. 

He could feel the man’s hard-on through his jeans; James wasn't sure why it hadn’t disgusted him. 

“I have a hotel room.” The man was saying, catching his breath. “I’d love to take you there.” 

4:30am 

James stumbled after the man into the room, and wasted no time in pushing him up against the wall, fumbling at the buttons of the man’s shirt. 

Soon he was kissing all over his chest. Biting, licking, sucking, and certainly leaving marks.

“Off?” James asked, hands resting gently on the man’s belt. 

The man breathed out, “Yes.” and began to help James undo the belt. 

James wasn’t sure what he was doing, wasn't sure what had possessed him to sink to his knees, pulling at the man’s boxers. 

If kissing a man for the first time wasn’t sobering, realizing that he was sucking someone off definitely was. James slowly began to come back to his body. The moans that filled the room, his own included, the musk of the man in front of him, the firm grasp on his hair. 

So what? Was his first thought, and he continued in this way, gagging as the man finished in his mouth. 

As James wiped at his lips he took in some deep breaths, slowly realizing what he had done. Realizing who he was with. Realizing he had enjoyed it. 

“I- I should go.” He stammered, rising to his feet and feeling in his pocket for his phone. 

“Did I do something, let me help you baby-” 

“No.” James said harsher. “No just- thanks but, I gotta go.” 

5am

James let himself into the private room in the hostel they had booked. He had quickly discovered his phone had died long ago.

“...It keeps going to voicemail…”
“...Where in the hell is he-”

“James!”

He was welcomed into the hostel by the sight of his 3 worried friends.

“Sorry about that guys…got a bit carried away at the club.”

“Well you know what they say.” Sirius said, “When in Prague!”

Yeah. James thought. When in Prague. 

Chapter Text

Regulus 

Disgust was written all over his face. “What in the world are you wearing?” 

Barty stood in front of him, arms spread wide open. “Sexy construction worker? Obviously.” He vaguely gestures up and down at his neon orange vest, no shirt, and the tiniest pair of jorts that Regulus had ever seen. 

“Just missing a tool belt.”
“Uh huh.” Regulus deadpanned. “Because that’s what’s wrong here.” 

“Okay well what the hell are you going to be?” 

“Oh I’m not going.” It came out as a scoff, Regulus shaking his head. “Absolutely not.” 

“What?!” Evan exclaimed, looking up from tying a cape around his neck. He had decided to go to Sirius’ infamous Halloween party as a vampire. 

“James hates me. Why would I go to his house on Halloween if I know I’m going to run into him and it’s going to be a mess?” 

“Regulus, he does not hate you.” Evan replied.

“Just kick him in the nuts.” Barty supplied at the same time. 

“I am not going. That’s the last thing I’m saying about this too.” 

Regulus was wearing cat ears and the black skinny jeans so tight he thought he was going to lose circulation in his legs.

“Reg I don’t think he hates you.” Remus looked over at him after taking a swig of beer. He was in a Tigger onesie. “When he came back here he was really upset. He just has something personal going on.”

“Yeah, personal hatred.” 

Remus rolled his eyes. “So what even if he did? I didn’t know you were close enough that it would hurt you to never speak to him again. Just go about your life business as usual.” 

Regulus sighed, rubbing at his temples. This headband was not making him less irritable. 

“Where’s Sirius?” He asked, wanting to be done with the James situation. 

“Oh I’m sure he’s outside smoking a spliff. He was looking forward to it all day.” Remus rolls his eyes but his tone is soft.

“And he’s dressed as…?”

“The usual.”

“Again?!”

“Yes boys, again.” It was Sirius, dressed as Freddie Mercury, complete with a fake mustache that was peeling up at the side. He slung an arm around Remus, leaning in to kiss at his neck.

“Ugh-” Remus said, turning his head away. “You smell like weed.” 

Regulus scanned the room. He had yet to see James. Good, he thought. Maybe after how he behaved at the last party he’s sitting this one out.

Just then Regulus’ attention was drawn to a certain Spiderman standing on the couch shouting, “Guess what time it is? Shot o’clock!” 

James. Fucking. Potter. 

*** 

James 

James had given himself a limit tonight. He would not black out. He would not throw up. He would have a respectable amount of fun. 

He wandered through the party, eyes looking for a certain someone. And this time it was not his ex-girlfriend. 

He needed to apologize to Regulus, pour his heart out and explain the situation. Well, the situation he had shared with his friends. Not the real situation. James wasn’t even sure if he could call it a real situation.

So what he got a little anxious when he touched Regulus? The pressure of school was obviously weighing on him. And he was sure everyone had some sort of gay encounter when they were drunk! That was what your 20’s was about! Right?

All James was going to do was explain that he was very stressed about his academics and he had a panic attack. That was all. Except it seemed that every time he got close enough to Regulus he was gone, vanishing into the crowd. 

If James didn’t know any better he would think Regulus was avoiding him. But that was ridiculous. Sure, James ran out on him mid-tutoring session but surely that can’t be enough to make him ignore James. Right? 

He’s properly wandering now, his neck practically breaking at any flash of black. 

“James!” 

He turns quickly at the sound of his name, but when he sees who’s talking to him his heart drops into his stomach. 

Lily. Fucking. Evans. 

“Oh hey Lily. Enjoying the party?”

“Oh of course, you guys always go all out.”

“Good…good…I’m glad.” He’s not quite sure what to say. Just 2 weeks ago he would have been dying for this chance. For the opportunity to win her over. To convince her she made a mistake when she told him they weren’t working anymore. Now he just feels stuck. 

“Well James I’m glad to see you’re doing okay. I was really worried about you.”

“Oh thanks Lily but really, just a bit too much to drink that night.” 

She chews on her bottom lip. James thinks he might die if she does that again. He can’t stop staring at the green ivy covering her body. Lacing up her arms, circling her head like a crown. 

“Even before then James. I told you when we ended things if you needed help-”

His heart stops hammering. He can’t believe she’s doing this right now. Can’t believe she would use what he had said to her in confidence after failing two of his classes last term. 

“Lily you know I was emotional when we had that conversation-”

“Okay and so what about before we broke up, James? You haven’t been okay for a long time! You know, I thought we would stay friends! That I could help you. Now you don’t even talk to me! You can’t even look at me!” 

“I can’t be your friend Lily! I didn’t break up with you!” 

He realizes they’ve suddenly taken to shouting. Suddenly he’s transported to the end of last term. He’s in the kitchen at the start of the summer party, Lily is across from him; they’re yelling at each other. She’s begging him to go upstairs, to show him. He’s insisting that he’s drunk and lying about it. She had yelled. He had screamed. She broke up with him a week later.

He clears his throat, shifting back and forth between his feet. “I’m fine Lily.” He says, voice lowered. 

That’s when he sees the quick flash of cat ears opening the front door and disappearing into the night. “Regulus!” he shouts. He turns his head back to look at Lily, “I’m sorry.” Is all he can say before he bolts through the living room, chasing after Regulus. 

*** 

Regulus 

He hates parties. He’s not even sure how he keeps ending up at them. They’ve obviously been nothing but problematic for him. Last year he spent the majority of them in the corner, or outside smoking weed with Sirius. And this year isn’t looking too much better. What with James treating the backyard like a toilet last time, and this time he’s been nothing short of obnoxious. Standing on the couch pouring shots, yelling across the room, and flirting with Lily in the corner.

He’s not sure why seeing him talk to Lily hurts. James hates him, so what if he’s talking to his ex-girlfriend? They’ll probably get back together by the end of the night. Being jealous over a straight man might have been one of Regulus’ poorer decisions.

He folds his arms over his body, staring up at the sky. Get a grip. 

“Regulus!” 

He freezes. Surely that’s not who he thinks it is. He turns around, taking a deep breath as he registers James in front of him. His first thought is that it should be criminal to look that good in a Spiderman costume. 

“What?” It comes out harsher than he had wanted it to. 

“I- uh-” He looks confused suddenly, like he isn’t even sure why he chased Regulus outside. “Well I guess I wanted to apologize.” 

“Apologize? For what? Is it for the last time you were drunk? For acting like I don’t exist unless my brother brings me up? For running out on me in the library?” He’s not sure where this is coming from. Words are spilling out of him and he couldn’t stop them if he tried. Suddenly he’s really mad at James. He’s not really sure why. He shouldn’t even care. 

“Reg-”

“No! I don’t understand why you suddenly care. Just go back to how things used to be. If this whole apology thing is because you pity me or something then forget about it.” 

“Regulus. This has nothing to do with you, I just- I have a lot going on.”

“A lot going on? It’s your last year of school! You don’t even have a job! Your parents take care of everything for you-”

“I know!” James shouts, and it’s like he’s in pain. “I know, I know, I know. I have everything handed to me and I’m still going to fail out of university.” 

“I- wait a minute what?” Regulus sputters. Sure, he never assumed James was the smartest of the bunch. Call it a stereotype but his whole former-athlete persona and getting plastered at parties was really not lending itself to the idea of him being a straight-A student. But never would he have imagined he was failing. 

“That’s why I ran out on you. I was worried about my grades and stressed and- I’m sorry I left like that. I mean it.”
And Regulus can’t help but believe him. Maybe he was the most gullible person alive but something about it was just so sincere. Like James might have actually been hurting. 

“Oh- well that’s- I’m sorry. I’m sorry I took it the wrong way.”
“And look, knowing that I’m failing out is probably not the best persuasion but I am good at anatomy. I’d like to keep helping you.” 

Regulus isn’t sure why he agrees. Why he wants to continue letting each second in James’ vicinity eat him alive. But he nods. “Yeah.” He mumbles. “I’d like that.” 

Chapter Text

3 weeks later

James 

James couldn’t sleep. He sat in his bedroom, hands in his hair. This wasn’t normal. Nothing about James seemed to be lately. It was not normal to have sex dreams about your best friend's little brother. And it was definitely not normal to wake up from it and not feel disgusted. Especially when you were straight. 

This was just an intrusive thought. Just a fleeting thing that he didn't necessarily want to come true. This is just like when he thinks about hurting himself. He doesn’t want to, but he can’t help it. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to. If he repeats it enough then maybe it will be true. This is the same thing. 

I’m not gay. James thinks. “I’m not gay.” He then whispers to the room. 

He knew he wasn’t gay. After all, what he had felt for Lily was real. Their sex was real. His desire for her was real. His love for her was real. So why was he losing his mind over Regulus? 

Offering tutoring was maybe his worst idea ever. He couldn’t seem to get him out of his head after that. He found himself day dreaming about his curls, the way his hair was slightly grown out right now and hung over his ears. How his skin felt underneath James’ fingers; how he wouldn’t be able to stop smelling his cologne for hours after. 

Suddenly he stood up, taking a deep breath. His bathroom door lurked in the corner of the room, like just looking at it would eat him alive. He thought about how he had done it again. Just earlier that night, far after the other boys went to bed, he had sat on the floor of his shower and watched the blood spill over his thighs and down the drain. 

He was beginning to think that he was spiraling. He was doing it too much and he knew it. There had been some close calls lately. One time Sirius had come barging into his room, and James had scrambled to lock his bathroom door. Another time Peter had asked James for an extra roll of toilet paper and had almost stumbled across a bloody blade that James didn’t clean off the night before. Then a couple of nights ago it had been particularly bad. James had cried so hard he thought he would pass out. There was the moment where James worried if one cut would ever stop bleeding. 

He had to be more careful. He needed to get some control over himself. He needed to figure out why it felt like he was losing his mind. 

Remus 

He woke up feeling hot. Like it was the middle of summer and he had slept under a million blankets and a heating lamp. 

The second thing he noticed was how difficult it was to breathe. He thinks he should sit up, but it’s a distant thought. It’s too much energy, and he barely has the energy to breathe. 

He’d been diagnosed with lupus about 4 years ago now. He distantly thought that maybe these things were related. He couldn’t find the energy to care. He just wanted the pain to stop. 

“Sirius-” He mumbled faintly. Sirius would know what to do. Sirius always knew what to do.

But Sirius didn’t come. He didn’t know what time it was. Blinking his eyes open he realized it was really bright in the room. He groaned and shut his eyes again. “Sirius.” He tried again. 

It took all of Remus’ effort to lift his hand to his chest, wincing as he breathed in. God, it even hurts to breathe. 

He thinks he should try and get his phone to call someone. Maybe when he wakes up from this nap.

Regulus

Sometimes Regulus didn’t see a point in trying. Why try when all it ever did was come crashing down around him. He didn’t know why he was spiraling. He thought he was better than this. It was pathetic, really. How he's sitting here near tears at the idea of eating this pasta. 

He's sure his knuckles are turning white from how hard he is gripping his fork. 

Barty was talking. Regulus had no idea what he was saying. 

“I’m gonna go.” Regulus announced, quickly pushing away from the table. 

“But Reg-” Evan prompted, concern filling his eyes. 

“I said I’m gonna go.” He leveled his gaze at Evan, daring him to say something. Then he was gone, marching out of the dining hall and trying to level his breathing. He hadn’t even taken the time to put his plate away. 

He tried to rationalize this. He left because he was running late. Not because he was scared, so scared he almost felt sick. No, this was because he was running late for his tutoring session with James. Except he wouldn’t have been running late if he had just sat down and ate. If he hadn't stared at his food for almost a half hour. 

Regulus met with James twice a week for anatomy tutoring. They’d been consistent with it since their argument on Halloween. They didn’t talk about the argument. And Regulus tried not to think about why he had been so upset. God, he really needed to stop falling for straight boys. 

If there was anything Regulus learned it was that James was good at anatomy. Like really good. The way he explained things just made sense. But sometimes the lessons felt like he was being tortured for his unholy thoughts about James. 

The class was currently focusing on the fingers and hand bones. Meaning much of their time together was spent with James gently holding Regulus’ hand in his own, rubbing at his fingers and urging Regulus to do the same to him. 

Stupid straight James Potter. 

When he arrived at their usual spot he found James looking incredibly serious. One hand was in his hair, tugging on it. He does that a lot, Regulus thought. 

His other hand was on the book in front of him, his lips must have been shaping the words he was reading and-

Do not think about James Potter’s lips right now. 

“Hey.” He announced as unpacked his bag next to James. 

“Oh hey Reg!” 

Reg. 

Regulus doesn't know why it bothers him when James calls him that. It doesn’t bother him when anyone else uses that nickname. 

“I got you something.” He says casually, sliding over a banana and a small pack of crisps. 

His heart clenches. He’s not sure why it matters so much to him that James knows what food Regulus will always say yes to. 

Eating disorders are weird. He has no idea why he can’t sit in a dining hall and eat a small plate of pasta, but he’ll gladly sit next to James Potter and munch away on some kettle-cooked crisps. 

“Oh, thanks.” He gives him a soft smile as he opens the package. 

He likes that James doesn’t pry. He doesn’t bug him about when he last ate, or how his clothes seem to be fitting. He just brings his snacks. He brings him snacks and he never stays quiet while Regulus is eating. Regulus doesn’t know if that’s just because James Potter is an obnoxious twat or because he knows Regulus doesn’t like it to be silent when he eats. 

“-and so then I was thinking about it and I wondered if you would want to come?” James is looking at him expectantly. 

“Oh- um, sorry what?” 

“Well I was wanting to go to the movies and see the new Marvel film. But no one wants to come with me. Would you want to?”

Regulus is dumbfounded. He’s sure he looks like an idiot, mouth hanging open and gaping at James. 

“I- uh- when is that?” 

“Oh sometime next week. I’m not picky about when we go.”

And James looks so calm, so collected. This means nothing to him. This is nowhere near as monumental for him as it is for Regulus. 

“Yeah, sounds good. Never watched any of them though.”

James clutches at his heart. “Judas!” He exclaims. “It’s fine, I’ll explain everything you need to know on the way.” 

Just as James begins to pull out his binder his phone goes off. He continues getting his stuff out. Until it rings again. And again. And again. And-

“Jesus Christ-” He mutters under his breath before he answers. “Hey I’m with Regu-” He gets cut off. 

Regulus looks between James and his bag of crisps, mid-chew when James breathlessly says, “Yeah, yeah okay I’m coming. I’ll leave right now. Is Pete there? Good, okay. I’m coming.” 

“What’s wrong?” Regulus asks. James suddenly looks frantic, shoving everything on the table into his backpack haphazardly. His right hand goes to his hair and he starts tugging on it. “You need to come too. It’s Remus.” 

Chapter Text

Regulus 

Hospitals made him uneasy. Always had, but he supposed it was worse after being forced into treatment. Now it just reminds him of morning rounds. A doctor prodding at him and therapists pleading he work with them. He pulls his legs in a little tighter and shudders, looking up from his place on the ground. 

He’s seated outside Remus’s room, legs curled up to his chest. Remus had always taken Regulus under his wing. Now, to know he was so vulnerable, felt horrifying, like his entire world could come crashing down around him. How could the man who understood him better than anyone else be reduced to a hospital bed and monitors? God, life wasn't fair. 

James was pacing. He’d been doing this for about 40 minutes now. Like clockwork every 5 minutes Peter would poke his head out and ask James if he was ready to come in yet. And each time James would start towards the door, and then like some invisible force took over him, shake his head furiously and continue pacing, hands in his hair. After the second time James did this Peter had looked at Regulus, raising an eyebrow. 

Regulus had just nodded. Looks like he was babysitting James. 

“James.” Regulus tries, looking up from his nails. He'd been biting them again. 

James ignores him, continuing to pace. In the past 10 minutes he’s taken to mumbling to himself. Great. Regulus thinks. He’s completely lost his mind. 

“James!” He says louder, and James finally stops, turning to look at Regulus. “You can go in there and see if he’s fine for yourself. But standing out here looking like you’re about to have a nervous breakdown is not going to do anything. He’s stable. He’s sleeping. It was just another flare up.” 

Regulus thinks maybe he’s being too harsh on James. But then James slowly nods, taking in a deep breath. “Yeah.” He murmurs, looking down at his feet and scuffing the tile with his red Converse. “I just- I don’t know, hospitals freak me out. And I know it's like, selfish and stupid but I just- I freak out every time he gets hospitalized. I can never go in there and I feel like shit about it…”

Regulus shakes his head, slowly standing up. He’s not sure what compels him to move. Maybe because he relates. Because he can see all of these messy parts to James. He always knew James was never perfect, despite what his exterior often said. But now, he can see all those hidden parts to him. He walks closer, and fuck James is a lot taller than he realized. 

Slowly he rests a hand against James’ wrist. “He’ll be okay. And it’s not stupid. It’s hard to put fear aside. Even if you really want to.” 

And suddenly James is looking into Regulus’ eyes. Regulus never knew eyes could hold so much emotion, such depth. His breath is caught in his throat. James’ eyes leave Regulus’ flickering down to his mouth. 

Regulus isn’t quite sure what’s happening because James Potter is not about to kiss him. And he is definitely not moving closer to him. 

Until suddenly, Regulus’ eyes are closing, and he can feel the soft pressure of James’ mouth against his. He tastes like coffee and sour candy. His lips are slightly chapped, but they’re the softest things that have ever touched Regulus’ mouth. And then he’s gone, like he was never there at all. 

Regulus is sure he’s gaping at him, mouth open and eyes blinking. 

James looks the same, and then his hand reaches up to touch his own lips. “I- oh my god Regulus I’m so sorry I have no idea-” 

Of course. Regulus thinks. It was out of emotion. I didn’t mean it. Regulus can practically predict what he’s going to say. After all he’s been in this situation before. The “straight” guys always seem to attach themselves to him. 

James 

“I have no idea why I just did that- I think- I didn’t mean it I’m so sorry.” 

James’ heart is beating out of his chest. His hand is slightly trembling against his lips. 

Why did I just do that? Why did I just do that? 

He feels broken. Something has to be wrong with him. Because he’s not gay. He knows that. So why did he kiss Regulus? Why did he want to wrap his arms around the smaller man’s waist; pull him as close as he could to his own body and kiss him until he forgot about the tight ball of anxiety in his stomach. 

“Regulus I-”

“Look I don’t want to be part of your homophobic panic attack.” Regulus snaps.

“What- Regulus no I’m sorry I just-”

“No James. You kissed me. I don’t know why the hell you did but that’s something that you need to figure out without me. I won’t be your experiment.”

James feels like he’s being hollowed out, all the deepest parts of himself on display. “Regulus it’s not like that. I don’t even want to experiment-” 

“Well it sure as fuck seemed like you did a minute ago! You can lie to yourself all you want James. But you’re not going to lie to me. I’m not going to do this right now. I’m going home.” 

And Regulus is leaving, marching down the hall. James stares after him, trying to steady his breathing. Fuck. He distantly thinks. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

Suddenly he needs to be anywhere other than in this hallway. He needs to get away. He can’t be surrounded by the lingering scent of Regulus’ cologne, reminded of the kiss every time the dry hospital air brushes against his lips. 

He steels himself and knocks on Remus’ door. 

Regulus 

He was being eaten alive by this kiss. He had to tell someone, and his roommate seemed as good a person as any. 

“Hold on,” Barty said. “Let me get this straight. James Potter, like the James Potter you have this lingering childhood crush on, kissed you?”

Regulus had only been able to groan, letting his head thud against his desk. 

“He kissed you and then-”

“-and then he freaked out and tried to backtrack.” 

Barty laughed, actually laughed. 

Regulus sat up, turning to face him. “Are you laughing at me?” 

Barty shook his head, “No it’s just, I mean James Potter is totally gay for you. Holy shit.” 

Regulus rolls his eyes. “God you’re a twat. I don’t want James if he’s going to act like this. I told him I’m not being part of this experiment.”

The rest of the night isn’t much better, as Barty insists they tell Evan. He thought telling his friends would help. Except it’s only making this whole thing sit like a massive brick at the bottom of his stomach. He lays awake, tossing and turning, until his phone suddenly buzzes. He’s sure it’s just a notification for an app. Maybe he needs a software update, or some bot liked his Instagram post. Then it buzzes again. And again, and for a final time, until Regulus forces himself to check it. His stomach twists up even tighter as he reads: 

James 

i’m sorry

ur not an experiment 

i mean that

dont hate me 

Regulus stares at the texts for a long time. He’s not quite sure what to make of them. He stares at them for so long he almost forgets what he’s looking at. 

Regulus

It’s fine

What day is that movie?

James 

wednesday sound good?? :)

Chapter Text

Regulus 

He stared at his phone. It had to have been burning holes in his eyes. It felt that way. Like the texts he was sending were digging straight into his very soul and eating him alive. He wasn’t sure why he had expected anything different. How he had let James Potter weasel his way into his heart just to pull this. 

It wasn’t a date. Regulus knew that. But it had sort of started to feel that way. They had continued texting throughout the week, but Regulus had to cancel their tutoring session because of an exam so they hadn’t seen each other. The texting was friendly, but after the kiss Regulus couldn’t help but feel that it was charged somehow. 

Now he stood outside his dorm at 6pm like how they had discussed. Regulus read the text over and over again. Willing it to change. For it to be wrong. 

James

ok wanna meet at 6pm? 

ill wait outside ur dorm

Regulus 

Sounds good. 

Hey, I’m outside. 

Are you still good for the movie? 

It was 6:30. Regulus had been waiting for 30 minutes. Nearly 40 if he took into account the fact he had come down before 6. He shoved his phone in his pocket, sighing as he ran his hands through his hair. He bet James was at home. Probably sitting on the couch and laughing at something Sirius had just said. He hated this. Hated that he ever thought James would show up. What killed him the most was thinking James would get away with it. That he wouldn’t even realize what he had done. 

He felt like his blood was boiling, jaw clenched and shoulders tense. Well fuck you, James Potter. He thought as he walked away from his dorm, heading off campus towards Marauder Avenue. 

James 

He couldn’t go. He didn’t know what the fuck was wrong with him but he couldn’t go. He had been laying in bed, something he’d been doing a lot of; so much of it that it was getting harder and harder to excuse, when the overwhelming urge to die had taken over. 

Sure, James had been thinking about death a lot. But it seemed to have gotten worse. Like every morning he woke up and the pit in his stomach grew larger the moment he realized he hadn’t miraculously died in his sleep. 

But sometimes it just hit. And when it hit him he felt like he’d been run over by a semi-truck. He couldn’t think, couldn’t function, couldn’t do anything without the pounding desire to kill himself lingering at the back of his mind. 

Looking back, James could almost convince himself that he had always been this way. That something had always been fundamentally wrong. But truly, what might have once been mild depression had now taken over his every waking thought. 

Everything  he did was horrible and stupid. He was worthless and disgusting. He was just wasting space. 

Today was one of those days. James had the smallest thought at the back of his mind that this was connected to his questionable motives towards Regulus. His wrong feelings towards him. 

So when that urge to just die rose into James’ thoughts, he managed to pull himself from bed, and collapse on the floor of the bathroom. 

He was exhausted. Exhausted from living life like this, exhausted from battling himself. But what other choice did he have? 

He didn’t even feel like he had the energy to cry as the knife bit into his scarred, and still bloody skin. Long ago he’d abandoned the idea that this was an occasional hobby for relief. No, this was now his punishment. And each time there was the thought at the back of his mind that he could start cutting at his wrists. By his veins. Those were the thoughts he tried to keep at bay. For now. 

James lost track of time. All he was concerned with was watching the blood trail down his leg, wiping it away, and starting again somewhere else. His head was pounding. He just wanted it all to stop, wanted all of this to be over with. He wasn’t sure when the pounding in his head started to seem real. Like it was just lurking on the other side of his bathroom door. Until he heard a voice yelling: 

“James Potter if you don’t open this fucking door then I will!” 

Remus 

It was good to be home. Nice to be surrounded by familiar things and away from the prodding of nurses and doctors. Most of all he was glad to finally be in the same bed as Sirius, though the hospital bed didn’t truly stop his boyfriend. 

“And you’re positive your doctor said you could be up and walking around? I still don’t think you should’ve gotten out of bed today…”
Remus can’t help but laugh. Yeah, he thinks. Definitely good to be home. 

“Yes, and stop worrying. If I was truly sick you would know.” He feels the weight of Sirius’ chin resting on his head. His hands reach up to grab at Sirius’ as they twine their way around his shoulders. 

“I know.” He hears him murmur. “I just worry about you.” 

Remus smiles to himself, “Well then come sit next to me.”

Suddenly Sirius is jumping over the back of the couch, gracefully settling in next to Remus. 

“I’m glad to be home. To be next to you in bed-” Remus is leaning in to kiss at Sirius’ neck. He can’t help but smile against his skin as he feels him practically melt.

“Remus stop making me horny, you ass. I told you that we needed to relax until you were fully recovered.” 

“Well I don’t do much than lie there anyways so I mean-” 

They’re cut off by the door slamming open. 

“Every fucking time-” Sirius mutters to himself. 

Remus smacks him in the arm just as he registers that Regulus is in the doorway. And he looks- 

Damn. He looks pissed. 

“Where is he?” 

Sirius raises an eyebrow. “Uh if you’re talking about your fabulous older brother he’s over here.” 

“No, not you. Potter. Where is he?” 

Remus looks between Regulus and Sirius. He’s sure he’s missing something, and he realizes that Sirius is missing something too. 

“Why would you need James?” Sirius asks. 

Remus watches as Regulus clenches his fists at his side. “Of course.” He huffs. 

“What exactly do you mean of course?” Remus prompts. 

Sure, he knows James has been tutoring Regulus in anatomy, but he didn’t know they were friendly in this way. Remus certainly knew that even if they were, James had been far too busy to even hang out with his own roommates. He either seemed to be gone from his room all day or locked in there claiming he was studying. 

“...If he hasn’t told you then I can’t. Is he here?” 

“Regulus, are you going to kill my best friend?” 

“No. I’m just going to give him some strong words.” 

Sirius glances back at Remus. His nose is slightly scrunched. He does that when he’s thinking. Remus acknowledges.

“His room.” Remus finally answers, nodding his head towards the staircase. 

Regulus

Whoever said a long walk could calm a person down was lying. Regulus had only succeeded in giving himself more time to be mad. 

“James Potter if you don’t open this fucking door then I will!” 

He hears rustling. The slamming of cabinets. A faucet running. Lots of shuffling. 

“Potter!” He shouts again. 

And just when he’s about to bang on the door another time, it’s opening. 

Stupid fucking James Potter is standing in the doorway, shirtless, no glasses on, and a shit-eating grin on his face. 

“Oh hey Reg!”
“No. No don’t you fucking dare act like that.” Regulus barges his way in. “You left me waiting.”
James' mouth opens partially to make an “o” shape, and then he shuts it closed again. Regulus can practically see the cogs turning. 

“Yeah. You were texting me about it like two hours ago and suddenly forgot?” 

“Reg I didn’t forget-” And James is reaching for him. Grabbing at his wrist, pulling him towards him. 

“Then what, James?” 

“I just- you make me nervous.”
And Regulus can see the truth in his eyes. How James looks slightly on edge. How he’s gripping onto Regulus, still pulling him closer.
“And I don’t- I don’t know what is going on with me-” It comes out as a whisper. 

Regulus is beginning to think he might have a weakness for James Potter. The way his eyes are staring into Regulus’ is eating him alive. 

He’s not sure who closes the gap. Maybe it’s both of them. But suddenly they’re kissing. James’ hands are burning into the soft flesh of Regulus’ waist. They’re practically devouring one another, playing a game of pushing and pulling with their mouths. 

Until Regulus is pushing James back onto the bed, sighing into his mouth as one of James’ hands moves from his waist to his hair. 

Holy shit. He distantly thinks. I’m sucking face with James Potter.

It’s hot. It’s exhilarating. It’s- short lived. 

James is pulling back, panting. His hands drop to his own waistline, and it feels like he’s trying to shimmy Regulus off of his lap. 

“Reg-” he breathes out. “I’m sorry I just- I have a lot I need to figure out and I’m really confused and I think maybe you should leave.” James practically vomits the words out at him. 

Regulus almost wants to laugh. This situation couldn’t be more comical if it tried. 

He can’t help but scoff as he climbs off of James’ bed. He nods, staring at his feet before looking up to say, “Well then don’t talk to me until you figure it out. I mean it. I’m not going to be your gay experiment.”

James starts to sit up. “Reg no- come on-”
“I mean it James. If you can’t stand to follow through when it matters and you just want- God I don’t even think you know what you want. Figure it out. I’m done.” 

And then Regulus is storming out of his room, letting the door slam shut behind him. 

Sirius 

Regulus isn’t gone long. He definitely hasn’t been gone long enough for Sirius and Remus to even begin decoding what is going on. 

“Regulus!” Sirius shouts as his little brother storms down the stairs, beelining for the front door. “What is going on-” He starts. 

“Not answering.” is all he gets before his own front door is being slammed shut. 

Sirius turns his head, scrunching his nose at Remus.
“Do you have any idea what is going on?”
“I have none that make any sense.” 

Sirius sighs, “Unfortunately I don’t think whatever they’re up to is going to make any sense.” 

Chapter Text

Regulus

“I told you he was an asshole.” 

Regulus doesn’t even have the energy to be exasperated with Barty. He’s not sure why he bothered telling him about the movie fiasco. 

He groaned, laying back on his bed and digging his palms into his eyes. He could still feel the weight of James’ hands on his waist. How James had let out that soft sigh as he rolled his hips against Regulus- 

He pulled himself out of his thoughts. James obviously had some issues surrounding this whole gay thing. Well whatever it was it was certainly not Regulus’ problem to deal with. He went through his own problems coming to terms with his sexuality, and he felt bad for James, really he did, but that just wasn’t something he could handle right now. 

College was supposed to be about meeting guys who were already comfortable with their sexuality, not just another “straight” jock who wanted to keep Regulus his secret. 

So he had to pull away. He needed to avoid James Potter at all costs, even if it meant never kissing him again. It would just be better this way. 

James

Today was another one of those days. Except those days were beginning to become every day. 

James had woken up with an exhaustion so deep he didn’t just feel it in his body, but in his soul. He laid in his bed, eyes fixed on the same section of his ceiling. Just existing was exhausting him. His thinking was poisoning himself, except he couldn’t turn off the thoughts. It was an incessant noise, an ever-present hum. 

You would be better off dead. 

You’re a fucking fag. 

Kill yourself. 

They won’t miss you.
You make their lives worse. 

Kill yourself. 

Kill yourself. 

Kill yourself. 

He snapped back into his body, rubbing at his swollen eyes. He could wither away in this bed. But that was too easy. 

“Prongs?” 

James blinked, pushing on to his elbows to look over at the door. Sirius stood in the center, concern creasing his brow. “You alright mate? It’s just about two in the afternoon. Are you sick?” 

“Sick? I’m not sick. Just a lazy day.” 

“Right. Except you said the same thing yesterday. And the day before that you told Pete that you were going to play football with him and then you left him on the pitch by himself.” 

“Fuck.” A beat passes. Sirius is unmovable, arms crossed as he narrows his gaze at James.

“I thought you were doing better about the whole Lily thing. I told Remus he shouldn’t have invited her round the other day-” 

“No, Pads, it’s- yeah it just hurts a bit when I see her, y’know?”

Sirius pauses, like he doesn’t quite believe him. “Yeah, ‘course. Well mate if you ever need to chat-”
James just nods, cutting him off. “I know.” 

That Night

James

James felt like he was being consumed. By his guilt of lying to his friends. By his shame of his growing feelings towards Regulus. By his humiliation of potentially having to take another year to graduate. It was all becoming too much. 

He felt woozy. His sobs were giving him a headache and the blood pooling down from his legs was beginning to make him nauseous. He could hear the distant sounds of his best friends making dinner. 

How could he do this to them? How could he be so selfish? 

It hit him suddenly. The idea that he didn’t have to live like this. That all of this could be over. He knew he could do it. It would be easy. 

The razor in his hand shook as he brought it to his tanned wrist. 

Sirius 

Sirius knew something wasn’t right with James. He’d been practically haunting the halls of their house like a ghost with nothing but a blank expression on his face. He had thought he was the person James came to with all his problems; that their friendship extended beyond being embarrassed to admit things to one another. He just didn’t know how to convince James to tell him what was going on. 

He watched Remus fuss around with their dinner. “Pads that reminds me, could you go upstairs and get my phone. I left it up there and I need another timer going.” 

“Yeah ‘course.” Anything to distract him from his worrying over James. After all, everything was probably fine. 

Sirius found himself in their room, unplugging Remus’ phone from the nightstand, when the silence was suddenly shattered by a voice. 

“Sirius? Sirius please- Sirius please make me stop- I don’t want to- you need to stop me-” James’ voice came out in a rush, like he was trying to get all his words out with just one breath. 

Sirius snapped his head around and promptly dropped Remus’ phone onto the hard wood.  

James stood in the doorway, hair more a mess than usual, in only his boxers, with a razor in his hand and blood dripping from his wrist onto the ground. Sirius stood in shock for a moment, that really felt like an eternity, as he watched the blood steadily dripping to the ground.

“Fuck- James-” Sirius finally rushed towards him. “Let go. James I need you to let go of the razor-” 

But James was hysterical. He was properly sobbing now, coughing around his words as he hugged his arms into his body. 

Sirius’ heart had dropped into his stomach. He had never thought James would do this. James was violently shaking his head, his curls falling into his eyes as he continued with his pleas.

“I don’t want to do it- you have to make me stop. Sirius please- you have to make me stop. I don’t know who else can help me please-” His voice caught around his final words as Sirius gently pried the razor from his hand and tossed it to the other side of the room. 

Sirius grabbed onto James’ shoulder and pulled him into his chest. 

“It’s gonna be okay Jamie- it’s gonna be okay-” Sirius didn’t know if he was talking to himself or James. But no matter what it was a lie. Nothing would be okay. Not if James Potter had decided to end his life on a Friday evening. 

“Remus! Pete!” Sirius heard his voice from far away. He clung onto James like simply keeping him in his grasp could keep him alive. He was dimly aware of James’ sobs, the shaking of his tall frame. “Remus!” Sirius screamed again. 

He only allowed himself to take a breath when he heard footsteps pounding up the stairs.