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It’d been a while since the four of them had had an evening gathering, but this occasion certainly called for it. Even if none of them particularly wanted to dwell on the reason.
Earlier that day, Frank had turned up at their door, with Gerard just behind him. Phil had been the one to answer and understood quickly that they brought serious news.
Frank explained that he’d had a call from home, the inevitable phone call. His kids were asking after him and they were too smart to be fooled by a ‘he’s on tour’ lie.
“I miss them too… It’s been too long. We really only planned to stay out here for a week, maybe two at the most each time. But we’ve been gone… Months now.” Frank continued.
Gerard had nodded, saying he’d contacted his family too, let them know he was also coming home.
Phil had blinked, surprised and yet at the same time surprised that he was surprised by this news. Frank and Gerard had always made it clear that this place was a getaway for them, not something permanent.
“When do you guys leave?” Phil asked.
Frank winced. “Uh… Tomorrow.”
“We really can’t… We don’t want to stay away from our families any longer.” Gerard explained.
And so, on the spot, it had been agreed, the guys would come up to Dan and Phil’s place and they’d all have a final night together before they left.
Just as he was about to close the door, Phil turned around, and hurried to catch up to Frank and Gerard again. “But. You’ll be back, right? At some point? You’ll come back here?” An exchanging of glances, and Phil continued, hurriedly. “Only, I know Dan will want to know. I gotta… Guys, you know this’ll be hard on him.”
Gerard smiled, nodded. “Yeah. We’ll come back.”
“We don’t know when.” Frank added, cautiously. “But we will be coming back.”
Dan had taken the news relatively calmly when Phil went back and let him know. Smiling and saying they needed to make sure they got a proper send off.
But Dan took himself off to his room shortly after that. Not unusual in itself, but when Phil went past his room he gave the door a light push open.
He could see Dan wasn’t sat in his desk chair, which meant he was on his bed instead. A few moments passed, neither boy willing to break the silence that seemed to lay heavy between each side of the door.
“I’m fine.” Dan finally said, quietly. “You don’t need to come in.”
Phil understood that was a gentler way of telling him he didn’t want Phil coming in.
“I’ll just be in my room, if you need me?” Phil offered. He knew Dan would deal with this in his own, quiet way.
And tonight, they would all celebrate.
---
The older couple had turned up just over an hour ago and already the usual order was established.
That being Dan teasing/scaring Frank by forcing him to look at tumblr with him. (Ever since that first time had made Frank squirm, Dan couldn’t help himself). While Phil sat close to Dan, so close he could very nearly have Dan on his lap. He’d resisted so that far.
And all the while Gerard sat a little further back, watching the other three with an amused smile.
“Okay, I’m going to make coffee, anyone else?” Gerard said, getting to his feet, looking over at the others. Frank nodded, smiled and lent into Gerard’s hand as he walked by, Gerard ran his hand through Frank’s hair.
Dan slumped. “Tea for me if you’re offering!” He protested.
Gerard laughed, but nodded.
“I’ll… I’ll come help you!” Phil offered, jumping to his feet, nearly pushing Dan off the sofa too.
He followed Gerard to the kitchen.
Gerard smiled at Phil. “You don’t need to, you know, I know my way around your kitchen by now.”
“Yeah, but… I mean. Um. You’re the guest here, I should really be…”
Gerard was already busying himself with the kettle, and Phil was just standing there, leaning against the counter. Gerard grinned at him again.
“Can. Um. Can I ask you something?” Phil said, getting mugs out and placing them on the counter.
“Sure.”
Phil was now shuffling the mugs around, for no particular reason. Gerard immediately sensed that Phil was using this as a form of distraction for himself.
“Phil?” Gerard prompted. “Something bothering you?”
“Uh..”
“If you’re worried about us going, I really do mean it when I say we’re gonna be coming back.”
Phil nodded, his gaze still focused on the mugs. “No, I mean, I know that. That’s not what I… Uh.”
Gerard frowned, coming nearer. He kept a slight distance, not wanting to crowd Phil and make him more uncomfortable. “I’m guessing… This is something to do with you and Dan?”
Phil shrugged, non committal.
Gerard glanced at the door, satisfied the others couldn’t hear. “Has… Something happened?” He pushed, gently.
“I… Um. Yeah. Yeah. Something happened.”
“Something… You’re not comfortable with? Or, you’re scared that… That Dan’s not comfortable with?”
Phil closed his eyes, wincing. “I… I was comfortable with what happened. But.”
Gerard stepped closer again, hand reaching out to Phil’s shoulder, he dropped his voice low. “Okay, Phil, until you start giving me a little more information I can’t give you good advice. But, I will say, if you’re worried about a… First time situation not going well, remember that firsts rarely do.”
Phil shook his head. He looked up at Gerard, finally. “Have you ever kept something, something pretty important from Frank because, at the time you thought it was the right thing to do but… The longer you kept it secret, the harder it became to… To tell him?”
Gerard frowned, thoughtfully. He leaned back against the counter, folding his arms. Then he nodded. “Not with Frank, but… With Lindsey. I kept everything about me and Frank from her for… Too long. I should’ve been honest from the start, and, yeah. It was hard, really hard to come clean but it felt so much better to do it than to keep lying. And, it all worked out.” he turned his head to Phil. “If there’s something you’re worried Dan won’t… Accept about you, I really don’t think you should be worrying.” Gerard smiled softly. “That guy adores you, you know?”
Phil blushed, nodded. “It’s not. It’s not as simple as that. I… Uh. Okay. Something happened, something… I think was pretty, um. Well it was a big deal for us, I think. But, Dan doesn’t remember, and, I told him… I told him I didn’t remember either.”
Gerard looked at him, and nodded slowly. “But, obviously you do remember.”
Phil shrugged. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”
“Was it something that Dan might… Regret?”
Phil grimaced, fidgeting on the spot. “I don’t know! Maybe! I don’t… I mean, I don’t regret it, but I don’t know if he might think it was too… Fast or something. And. And then the morning after he was upset and scared that he couldn’t remember and. I just thought it would be… Better if he thought I didn’t remember either. But now… I don’t know. I don’t know if I was right to do that or if… If I should tell him.”
Gerard held up his hands, calmingly, seeing that Phil was getting flustered and panicky. “Okay, okay. Phil, I need you to be honest with me right now. I am not judging you, because I respect your decisions were noble, but this is important. Did you and Dan have sex?”
Phil bowed his head, and shook it. “No. No, we haven’t- But. I know… It was something. It was a first for Dan and I feel like I stole something from him, but I don’t know how to tell him. I don’t know what I’m more afraid of. If it’s Dan hating me for keeping it a secret, or hating that he can’t remember. I didn’t- I thought I was protecting him.”
And then Phil felt Gerard’s hands on his arms. “Okay.” Gerard said, softly. “Well. I think you know… You need to tell him. Sooner rather than later.”
Phil nodded. “I will. I’ll… I’ll figure something out.”
“No need.”
Both Phil and Gerard looked up, twin wide eyed looks aimed towards the door, where Dan was standing.
The colour seemed to have drained completely from Dan’s face, his lips pursed tightly. Everything about his stance told Phil, very clearly that he was trying to keep his emotions in check, but also that it was a losing battle.
Gerard looked, carefully between the two boys, barely daring to breathe for fear of somehow escalating this situation, for once not knowing the words that might defuse it.
Finally, Phil stepped forward, hand outstretched, “Dan-”
But that seemed to be the spark that exploded everything, Dan disappeared from the doorway, heading in the direction of his room.
Phil immediately went to follow him, Gerard caught him by the arm. “Phil, let him go, let him process first, you’ll only-”
Phil shook him off. “No. No I can’t. Dan will… He’ll think the worst, I know how his brain works, I can’t… I can’t put him through that. I have to explain.”
Before Gerard could begin to convince him otherwise, Phil had gone after Dan.
Gerard closed his eyes, offering up a small prayer that this might yet turn out okay.
Phil found Dan’s door already closed. He opened it without knocking, and immediately had to dodge as some unidentified object was thrown at him.
“Get out!” Dan snapped. “I thought I made it clear before, if the door is closed, I am fucking closed! To everyone, including you! Especially you right now!”
Phil sighed. He closed the door behind him, careful not to slam it, not to do or say anything sudden, anything that could be seen as aggressive or confrontational. Phil looked up at Dan, saw him standing the other side of the bed, as far away from Phil as he could be. Hands were clenched at his sides, Phil could see he was trying to figure out the best way to vent his emotions. They were too much, too big for him.
Phil would understand if they had to be released by him getting yelled at. He wouldn’t blame Dan for that. “Dan…” He said, gently.
“What did we do?” Dan cut in sharply. “What did you do? What is it that I can’t remember?” He demanded.
Dan’s voice was getting louder, and Phil winced, wishing Dan could keep it down just a little bit.
Phil watched as Dan moved closer, glaring at Phil. “Tell me! Did we fuck? Did you fuck me? Did you- Did you-” He stopped, bowed his head as his voice shook. He looked up again, and his eyes were still fierce, but now they were clouded with tears. “Did you?” His voice was quiet now, quivered and Phil moved closer too, climbing over the bed. Reckless, he knew it, but still he reached out his hand. Dan hit it away. Dan shook his head, tears escaping now. “Phil, Phil please tell me no. Please. You know- You know how long I’ve waited, I’ve waited so long to be with you, please don’t tell me- That you did that, that I can’t remember. Please.”
Phil shook his head, trying to reach out again, again being batted away by Dan, who was swiping at his own eyes, trying to stem the heavy flow.
“Dan. Listen. I promise, I promise it wasn’t that. We didn’t- I told you that, that very morning, it wasn’t sex. Dan, please, I know, we- we’re waiting.”
Dan shook his head. “You promised you didn’t remember either, but that was a lie. How can I trust anything you said that morning?”
“Dan-”
“I didn’t tell you outright, but I knew. I guessed and I’ve tried to shut it out of my mind ever since. But when I said, that morning, that I hurt, I meant it. I meant I really hurt and not in a general way like I made out. I hurt like I’d-” Dan closed his eyes, tightly, causing yet more tears to flow ever heavier down his cheeks. He was shaking and Phil so, so wanted to pull him close and hold him, it ached to know he couldn’t.
Dan’s voice cracked as he spoke again. “Phil, I hurt like I’d had something inside me and, and I knew. I knew we’d had sex and- The only thing that scared me was that I couldn’t remember. And, when you said you couldn’t either, I… I felt like we had a do over. A chance to do it right.” He looked up at Phil. “But now you’re saying you do remember, but I still can’t. And I hate that that memory has been taken from me.” Dan closed his eyes again, bowing his head. “It was supposed to be perfect.”
Phil edged closer and finally, finally took Dan’s hand, coaxing it out of it’s fist, gently rubbing his knuckles. “It still can be.” Phil said, softly.
Dan shook his head.
“Yes.” Phil pushed. “It can.” He sighed, his other hand reaching up, brushing through Dan’s hair. “Dan, I promise, I promise you that is not what happened that night. But… I am going to tell you what did happen, because you are more than owed that.”
Dan opened his eyes, his gaze immediately caught by Phil’s, listening carefully.
“I… I tried to stay more in control but. You’re really pushy when you want to be.” Phil smiled, just a little. A small quirk at the corner of Dan’s lips betrayed that perhaps even he wanted to smile at that too.
“You said… You told me you’d been having trouble… You know. Uh. Um. Getting off.”
Dan winced. “Oh God… I told you that? Drunk me says the worst things…”
Phil shook his head, slightly, then nodded. “Yeah, and… Like I said, I tried, but… In the end, I gave in and… Helped.”
Dan’s eyes closed again, and he sat back, almost deflating in shame. “I got you to… To jerk me off? And I don’t fucking remember a thing? Well. That’s just. Wow.” Then he frowned, thinking this through. “But… That doesn’t explain…”
Phil’s turn to wince now. “I. Um… I don’t know how exactly to put this one… Uhhh…”
Dan’s eyes turned wide, slowly processing, then very suddenly, it all became clear. “Oh!” He jumped up from the bed. “Oh! Oh no. No- You- Um-” He was pacing, rapidly in the space between his bed and the wall. Phil sat, carefully on the bed, watching Dan, not wanting to say anything further.
Dan stopped pacing, abruptly, hands in his hair. “Phil. You’re saying you- You had your, um, your fingers in me. That. That’s what you’re saying.”
Phil had gone a bright pink now. “Yes.”
Dan’s hands went to his face and he slowly sank to the floor, leaning against his bed. “Fuck.” He muttered.
Phil watched him, unable to read just how Dan was taking this. Would more words now only make things worse? Was physical comfort what Dan needed? Or would Phil be pushed away if he tried?
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dan asked. He sounded drained. “If you remembered, why didn’t you tell me? You knew how scared I was… Of what we’d done, of what I couldn’t remember. Why didn’t you just tell me?”
Phil closed his eyes and leant closer. “Because I didn’t know how you’d take it… I didn’t know if you’d be just as upset. But, I figured.. I shouldn’t be keeping something like that from you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
Dan’s hands over his eyes, rubbing. He swallowed hard. And Phil wanted to beg him, beg him not to cry.
This was exactly what he’d tried to prevent.
“A-and. Because… Because you’d… You cried. After we… After you… Dan, I was scared and I only want the best for you. And when you cried I was so scared I’d messed up, that it’d happened too soon and all I wanted was… Was to make it right for you.”
Dan blinked, swallowing back tears again. “I cried? That night? I cried after we… After I… Got off?”
Phil nodded, realising quickly that Dan still had his back to him, he followed up with, “Yeah. Yeah you, you did.”
“Did you think I regretted it?”
“I-” Phil stuttered. “I was afraid you did.”
Finally, Dan turned around, looking up at Phil. All that anger and fear had disappeared, replaced by something even more raw, something open and honest. A very, very small smile quirked at the edge of Dan’s lips. “Did you consider, even for a second, that maybe the tears were ones of relief?”
Phil frowned, tipping his head. “What do you mean?”
Dan’s smile grew, getting up on his knees he leant in closer to Phil, hand reaching into Phil’s hair. He paused with his lips barely apart from Phil’s. “What if, up until that moment, I was still unsure? Still nervous that you were only humouring me? Only playing along so as not to hurt my feelings? What if it was only then that I realised… It was all real?”
Phil pulled back, blinked at him. “You thought-? You thought I’d just… Lie to you to make you happy?”
Dan shrugged. “Not.. Not lie exactly. I just. I’ll admit I couldn’t quite trust myself to believe… I was so lucky. And… With me being intoxicated, I wouldn’t be surprised if my emotions ran… Even higher than usual.”
“So… You think… It was relief? Not regret?”
Dan smiled, leaning in again. “I’m just saying… I don’t think I could ever regret being with you.”
This time he allowed the gap to close between them, their lips meeting softly, carefully. Phil’s arm wrapped around Dan, pulling him up, pulling him closer. And Phil could feel Dan smiling against him and it was the sweetest thing he could think of in that moment. Dan was smiling, after all this had come out, Dan was smiling.
Dan had pulled back, and his hand was against Phil’s cheek. He laughed, softly. “Now why are you crying?”
Phil opened his eyes, and rubbed his hand at his eyes, he blushed. “Because I’m relieved.” He admitted, ducking his head.
Dan kissed his cheek, softly, then his lips once more.
A pause, the smallest gap between them. The air felt heavy, full of things that… Could happen. Breaths held, neither daring to shatter this moment.
A sharp knock on the door shattered it for them instead.
Both boys looked up, cheeks flushing red even though they’d hardly been caught in a compromising position.
Frank stood at the door, leaning on the handle, smirking. “Are you two coming out again any time soon or…?”
“Sorry!” Phil said, flustered, hurrying to his feet, his hand in Dan’s dragging him up too. “We- We’re done now, honest. We, um-” He shuffled past Frank, Dan trailing behind him, blushing but with a small smile on his lips.
As he went past, Frank snagged Dan’s elbow, pausing him. Dan let his hand slip from Phil’s, who looked back at him, surprised, questioning.
Nothing but a look passed between them and Frank witnessed that silent communication that the two of them had. Phil nodded and carried on back to the living room.
“Gee told me what happened in the kitchen. You kids are gonna be okay, yeah?” Frank asked, gently.
Dan blinked, surprised by the concern, surprised to be asked. Then he smiled, ducking his head self consciously. “Yeah. Yeah we’re okay.”
Frank nodded, relieved. “Good. Good.” He’d turned to leave, but, without warning, he suddenly found it impossible. Dan had wrapped his arms around him and was hugging him just a little too tight.
“Thank you…” Dan said, quietly. “Thank you for… For everything. I don’t think… I wouldn’t be with Phil now if it hadn’t been for… For you and Gee.”
Frank blinked and very, very gently tried to prise Dan away. Hell, the kid made him feel shorter than usual at the best of times, right now he felt like he was being embraced by a giant.
Thankfully, Dan got the hint and let go.
“Thanks.” Frank said, shaking his head. “But, you know… It was you that made that happen, you and Phil. Me and Gerard didn’t do anything.”
Dan nodded. “You did. You’ve done… So much.” His head hung slightly, embarrassed. “From that first day… When you asked me about Phil? You said… You noticed I liked him. I hadn’t admitted it to anyone before, not even myself. So. Yeah. You did a lot.”
Dan looked up, smiled. “I guess I’m saying… Thank you for being the kick up my ass. And. For helping us both, with advice and stuff… And.” He looked away again, huffing out a breath, a distraction for keeping his emotions in check. “And. To ask… Please, don’t… Don’t stay away too long?” A small laugh escaped his lips. “Never know when we might need you guys to help us out again.”
It was Frank’s turn to initiate the surprise hug that time.
“Stop worrying so much.” Frank said. “You’ve got this. I promise.”