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Perfectly paved road gives way to old cracked concrete and dirt as V drives Scorpion’s bike into the beginning of the badlands, the Heat radio station playing while they ride. The expression on V’s face could read as, determined, frustrated, or even vengeful- but what it actually meant was simply, stress. V was stressed-the-fuck-out right now. Earlier he gained the courage to text Panam that he wanted to talk to her about something important and that he was going to head to the Aldecado camp; when she pressed them on it, he just said that he didn’t want to explain it all over text, though reassured her it wasn’t bad. She replied with the ok and an I love you- She’s so sweet to me. It was comforting at first but it just gave way to more anxieties, What if she doesn’t love me after this? Or worse, says we “just can’t make it work.” I don’t know if i can deal with that- hell I can barely deal with telling her, but I have to right? or maybe I could just-
V then suddenly was hopped up into the air and tumbled down onto the worn pavement, a small thud heard behind her that was clearly the motorcycle. After sitting up and rubbing the wound on their head, they quickly turned around to survey the damage done to the bike. Luckily there was none- the bike was turned the wrong way but it managed to keep itself up, unlike V who just felt like they were kicked by a horse. Breathing out a sigh of relief, she stood back up with a bit of a groan and walked back over to the bike.
“Took quite a tumble there, are all of those thoughts making you act drunk with worry?”
V rolled his eyes and got back on the bike. 'Shut it Asshat, it’s enough that I’m panicking about this, I don’t need you critiquing my driving too.'
“I do if you’re gonna get us killed by your angsty inner-monologue. I can sympathize with your anxiety later when you’re not gonna splatter us all over the side of the road.”
V sighs, he reverses the bike to make a small u-turn then gets back on the road propper and starts driving. it’s silent now except for the song on the radio- though that then turns into a radio show, the boisterous host about to go into the depressing daily news. V shuts it off with a huff,
Now it’s truly silent. The music only helped a little before, and her thoughts are racing soon again. 'I could totally just not tell her, say that it was actually nothing or that I just missed her? No- i already said it was important enough to go see her, she’ll see through it immediately. What if-'
“V if you don’t stop your mental spiraling I will manually take over this body and pull the chip out.”
'Oh gee, what a nice thought- extremely funny idea, you killing us.'
"It’s the quickest way to get you to shut up"
'I’m not even talking out loud'
"Did you go fucking brain dead? I am IN you BRAIN, I can hear and feel the things you do, including your thoughts dipshit."
'Then just fucking ignore them then, no one making you listen to them'
"Kinda hard to when you’re so damn loud. You’re stressing me out kid."
“You’re stressed out?!” V speaks out loud this time, full of frustration. “You’re not the one fucking coming out to your Girlfriend as sometimes being a goddamn woman!” She holds down the handle and starts accelerating down the shitty road. “Next time you come out to someone and get fucking berrated then i’ll consider shutting my brain off- but until then mind you’re own damn business!” V can feel their eyes start to well up from the pent up stress, but they quickly wipe it away.
"Okay, I’m sorry just..."
Johnny is silent for a moment. V thinks for a moment she really shut him up, until-
"It’s not like I don’t know why you’re nervous V. I’ve seen the memories of it all."
A pause. Then..
'You mean my clan calling me a delusional bitch or throwing a fit about my transition- fucking threatening to stop it.'
"Fucking dipshit bigots. That shit wasn’t even new back in 2020, mind boggling that they were that weird about it. "
'We lived in the damn desert for christ’s sake, why did it matter at all?!'
They both went quiet, seemingly having nothing else to say. Though they both knew that wasn’t true.
'…I just…I don’t want it to be the same with her, yanno?'
"I know that V, but we both know thinking in circles about it isn’t gonna help that feeling. You have no control over this except for telling her."
'I really wish I would stop having no control over my life.'
"Well you’ve got to get used to it- if not then you might get your personality downloaded onto a test bio-chip then wake up inside someone else's head."
V chuckles a little bit, 'what a specific scenario, wonder where you got it from'
"I’m trying to make a point here asshole. The sentence sounds rude but V knows there was no malice behind Johnny’s words (at least those one’s anyway). All I’m saying is that- you’ve gotta take it. Besides- we both know Panam won’t yell at you for just- being a person. She already knows you were born as a girl, so I highly doubt she’s the bigoted type."
'I know I know it’s just…I don’t want her to leave me. I’m only now just starting to rebuild my life after losing almost all of it- I can’t handle losing something else or anyone else.'
A circular windmill catches V’s eye- she’s near the Aldecado camp. Her heart starts racing and butterflies fill her stomach. She breathes in a deep breath to try and calm her nerves. As she drives closer and closer to the camp- Johnny speaks up again.
"Well that’s the first mistake you made V- She’s stubborn, and you won’t drive her away that easily."
When Johnny finishes speaking, V sees the camp not far up ahead. She slows down the bike, and eases it next to a rock and parks it. Her hands shake on the handle bars, nerves going up and down her body. She closes her eyes, takes one last deep breath…then another…then a third-
"Quit stalling kid."
V’s about to think of a remark when- “Oh hey V!”
V jolts out of their thoughts and looks up to see Mitch Walking up the hill and over to where she’s parked.
“Hey man,” Mitch says, “Panam said you’d be visiting for something, she’s been waiting with me in a trailer anxious as hell.”
“Oh shit,” V blurts out, “Of course that made her nervous.” She rubs her hand on her face, “Oh and hi Mitch, how’ve ya been?” She gets off Scorpion’s bike and starts walking down the slope into the camp propper with Mitch in tow.
“Ah not much,” Mitch puts his hands in the pockets of his jumpsuit, “No trouble from any corps yet, so we’re in the clear for a bit we think. And Sual and Panam have only gotten into about a dozen squabbles since you’ve been gone.”
V laughs at that, “Only a dozen? Damn, new record for those two.”
As they walk by the many campers and Nomads, Mitch starts talking again, “Now, I’m not about to pry into something between you two but you both seem like nervous wrecks, so all I’m gonna say is goodluck. And if either of you do anything dumb I’ll kick your asses.”
V huffs out a laugh, “Thanks Mitch.”
It’s a short walk to the trailer; a ripperdoc is stationed there, sitting by an operating bed. Sitting on the steps into the trailer is Panam looking down at her phone, her leg bouncing. The footsteps of Mitch and V cause her to look up and her face bursts into a smile. She gets up immediately and waits for the two to come over. “Well I see Mitch got to you first- and here I was looking forward to being the first person you talked to when you strolled into camp.”
“Oh, you missed me that much huh?” V replied flirtatiously.
Mitch makes a disgusted face, “Okay you two are being gross, I’m gonna escape and keep tweaking with the ship. Buh-Bye.” He turns around and walks in the opposite direction. Panam flips him off and then immediately after, he flips her off in return without even looking.
It causes both V and Panam to chuckle, “Is that a common thing with you two?” V asks.
Panam smirks, “I’m surprised you haven’t witnessed it sooner.” She laces her fingers into V’s hand. “Now, let’s go somewhere more private so we can talk about this important secret.” She starts to pull V in a direction past the trailer, probably headed to a different trailer or tent, or something half constructed they’ve just started building.
V rebuttals to her statement, “it’s not a secret it’s just-”
“It’s hard over text, I know. I’m only teasing V, trying to loosen up the tension and nerves in the air.” Panam turns and V almost trips. It looks like they're headed to a smaller trailer, from here the only thing that appears to be inside is a bed and a chair.
V remembers what Mitch said about how her text made Panam feel. “Sorry about worrying you.”
Panam looks at V with a look like she’s gonna say something, but V beats her to it, “Mitch told me you were sounding nervous before I arrived.”
Panam says, “That bitch.” in a way that sounds like it was supposed to be quiet but was instead extremely audible, “Don’t worry about what he said, I’m not nervous at all.”
V shoots her a look, “You looked pretty deep in thought when I first spotted you, even looking at your phone with your face all tense.”
“Okay I’m nervous!” she blurts, “i’m just worried is all.”
“It’s okay if you’re worried, I didn’t exactly say a lot. Bu-”
“Then if it’s okay, you have nothing to apologize for.”
They’ve reached the trailer at this point, Panam’s sentence concluding as they arrive, “I know bu-'' Panam cuts off V with a kiss to their lips. When she parts she says, “That was a nice way of telling you to shut up, next time I won’t be so nice.” She pulls V into the small trailer.
Inside are two metal chairs against the wall, a mattress lying to the left with a pillow and blanket, a radio on top of a metal end table in front of the chairs, and some bottles sitting in a bucket in the right corner. Panam goes to that same corner and picks up two of the bottles, “Thought you’d might want a drink for this conversation.” She hands out one of the bottles to V, “But I’ve also got a lemonade if you want that instead.”
V looks at the beer and takes it, “Nah, you’re right about the drink. Thanks.” They take the left chair and sit. Panam sits beside her in the right and opens up her bottle with what looks like a fucked up belt buckle. She hands it to V and then broaches the topic, “So..are you ready to discuss..the..thing you’d like to talk about?” V opens her bottle and takes a quick swig. Then breathes in a deep breath through her nose…and takes another swig. Swallowing, she lets out a nervous, “Uhhm…” Breathes out, “Ok..give me a sec.” Panam waits patiently, looking at V and absentmindedly sipping at her drink.
V stares at her bottle. She feels frozen, 'I can’t do this- i cannot do this how am I able to do this this was such a bad idea I can’t do this I need to leave'
Hey. Johnny’s voice is clear and piercing. "Deep breaths V, you can do this. Just take a deep breath and calm down."
V closes her eyes and breathes in deeply, and just holds it there for a bit, trying to calm her mind. She breathes out slowly, then opens her eyes. She knows if she looks at Panam she’ll never even begin to start talking, so she moves her eyes to the floor near the trailer’s entrance, then begins.
“Okay so..you know how..when we had sex in the ship,” they hear Panam make an mhm sound. “And I told you that I was trans because, well the t-dick aint exactly big.”
Panam chuckles, “I don't think this is about you being ashamed of your size but if it is, you’ve got a beautiful dick V.” She says it sincerely but also to be a dick. “Also sorry about springing that on you all of a sudden- I didn’t mean to make you come out to me on the spot, but you know I know that you are a man right?” V cringes a bit while Panam continues, “If this is about that-
“It’s not- well yes it is but.” She pauses and lets out a breath. “Yes, it has to do with this but, it’s not the entire reason.” Here we go. V takes one more short breath, “I’m…yes I am a man…sometimes.”
They wait. Panam says nothing, so they continue, “I did transition to male but, when I was in the middle of it, I realized that being seen as a woman or a girl- it didn’t feel painful or alien anymore. It felt..safe? Like it was something that had always been pushed onto me but now, it felt like something that was just mine. That I could be however I wanted, and the only person it mattered to was…me? I don’t know if this is making any sense, I’m s-”
“No. Keep going.” Panam interrupts V, then puts her right hand on their left, “I’m listening.”
V looks at her the first time since they started talking, and they see nothing but patience and love in her eyes. V has to look away again, this time because that almost made her burst into tears. V sniffles, “What I’m trying to say is…I’m not always a man. Sometimes I’m a woman. And sometimes I just feel like a person, and other times it’s hard to describe but- that’s who I am.” She looks over to Panam but keeps her gaze down, “Sometimes I’m gonna be your girlfriend..uh..is that..okay?” She looks up at her with her eyes only.
Panam looks a bit bewildered but then ushers out, “Oh course it is V.”
V looks fully up at Panam now. No words come out of their mouth but her expression is one of shock. Johnny materializes in the back corner and lets out a cocky, "Told ya it’d be fine." And takes a drag of a holographic cigarette.
V is not in the right state to even eye roll, they just mutter out, “uh..O-Okay!” clears their throat and adds, “uhm..Thank you.”
Panam smiles in confusion and chuckles, “ Thank you? You don’t need to thank me V. If that is who you are then I am perfectly okay with it.” She squeezes her hand that’s laced with V’s, then turns her body to use her right to hold up their face, “I love that you’re my Girlfriend. Thank you for telling me.”
V puts their hand over their mouth and immediately starts lightly crying. “I love you so much.” she leans into Panam’s hand, “Thank you.” V then feels their shoulders being shaken.
“Stop saying thank you!” Panam says each word with the shaking for emphasis, and then lightly punches V in the shoulder for good measure. “You shouldn’t have to thank me for accepting you, I always would have no matter what you said.” she pauses and thinks, “Well maybe not no matter what but most things I would have no problem with, and this isn't one.”
V laughs and wipes some tears from their face, “Well..i wasn’t sure it would be a problem or not, like a deal breaker.”
Panam laughs and takes a drink of her beer, “What kind of girlfriend would I be then? No you can ONLY be a man.” They both laugh at that.
“Ok ok. When you put it like that, it does seem a little silly.” They sniffle, “I’ve just had some..let’s say rough reactions to this in the past, back at my old clan.”
“Then it’s fucking good you left them.” Panam scoots her chair until it’s parallel with V’s and squeezes their left hand, “‘Cause you’ve got us now. And you’re always welcome here.” She lovingly kisses her Girlfriend on the lips, then parts, “I’ll always welcome you here. You’re not gonna drive me away that easily.”
"See? "
V briefly looks over to Johnny in the corner and huffs out a laugh, “Yeah, I’ve been told that before.”
V moves in and kisses Panam back. They put their right hand on Panam’s arm to pull her closer, to hold her. Panam smiles, and moves V to where she’s basically in her lap, holding their left side and right thigh. V blushes and looks at Panam with a glint. Panam looks back with mischief. “Is this gonna go where I think it’s gonna go?” V narrows her eyes.
Panam hums, “I mean, it always does lead there somehow.” then squeezes V’s thigh, which causes them to let out an involuntary sigh, “Though I’d say it’s because my girlfriend is just hot.” Panam punctuates her statement with a firm kiss that she plans on making more passionate in mere moments, though for right now- V kisses her girlfriend with tears of joy and acceptance on her face