Chapter Text
Penelope sipped on her second martini quietly, glancing at the door every so often, trying and failing to pretend she wasn’t dreading being stood up. Her date was half an hour late. She checked her phone again for the hundredth time.
No messages.
He had her number, why didn’t he just send her a quick text? You know like: Sorry, running a little late, be there in ten. Then she wouldn’t currently be melting into a puddle of martinis and anxiety.
She met him at a coffee shop, and he seemed charmingly sweet. Well, not Colin Bridgerton-level charmingly sweet, but enough in his own right for her to exchange numbers with him and say yes to the date he asked her out on the next day.
Penelope had been initially hesitant about dating again. She’d put a lot of work into herself over the past two years. Dealing with the scars left behind from her last relationship, healing, and focusing on loving and accepting herself again. Or perhaps more accurately for the first time in her life. She does not really remember a time when she was completely happy and comfortable in her own skin. But that feeling of self-hatred was never more prominent than during her relationship with him.
Alfred Debling.
She could think his name now. She could say his name aloud now without falling apart. But there was a time, a really long time, when she couldn’t. Could not let her mind drift in his direction without panic and fear crashing over her like a wave and squeezing the breath from her lungs.
It had started so slowly that it barely registered. A negative comment here or there about her interests and hobbies, her job, her clothes, hair, skin, her eating habits and her weight… Those always hurt the most, prodding at a leftover visceral ache stemming from years of thinly veiled insults thrown at her by her mother and sisters. Then it started to become physical. He would pinch her waist if she said the wrong thing in company, grasp her wrist too tightly if she disagreed with him, cage her in against walls so she couldn’t escape, or grab her chin forcefully to kiss her.
Before she knew it, she was covering up the bruises with makeup and strategically-selected clothes, making up excuses for his abrupt mood swings, and withdrawing herself from the people she loved. She had known that if she allowed Colin and Eloise to monopolise her life the way they used to, there was no way she could prevent them from seeing something was wrong. Which was why she conceded when Alfred told her she spent too much time with the Bridgertons, to forget about them. Specifically, he wanted her to cut Colin out of her life, claiming it was unnatural for her to be so close to a man who was only a ‘friend’. Alfred should be the most important person in her life.
His aggression in the bedroom had slowly escalated over the course of their ‘relationship’. When it had become so bad by the end, she had taken to squeezing her eyes shut until it was over, after which she would curl up into a ball and cry herself to sleep. It was often in those moments of weakness and complete helplessness that she thought of Colin. Fantasised about how he would treat her if it were him in her bed instead of Alfred. And it always brought her comfort. It was a coping mechanism of sorts. Until reality crashed back into her like a bucket of ice-cold water, and she remembered Colin would never love her that way. They could barely even be considered friends anymore. And the pain of missing him would increase tenfold.
It all came to a head one night when Alfred left her broken and bleeding on her bathroom floor, only to be found by Eloise who had forced her way into Penelope’s apartment after one too many unanswered phone calls. Eloise had immediately called Colin, and together they began the long and difficult journey of putting Penelope back together.
That was two years ago now. And not a day goes by where she doesn’t think about that night, spent in hospital with Colin and Eloise refusing to leave her side. That had prompted a fight with the nursing staff, and Anthony had to come down to smooth things over. Luckily, the Bridgertons were one of the major financial sponsors of the hospital, and Colin and Eloise never did have to leave her bedside that night. They spent the next few months in much the same way, practically glued to her side. Eloise even going as far as moving into her apartment, refusing to take no for an answer. And Colin may as well have lived there for all the time he spent sleeping on their couch.
Now, after two years of therapy and unwavering love and support from the Bridgertons, Penelope could see that every move Alfred had made from the very beginning of their relationship was in an effort to control her. Her thoughts. Her decisions. Her actions. Her body. She had lost herself to him slowly and completely, and for a time she had not even realised it was happening. That’s what scares her the most. She is petrified that she will let it happen again, that she won’t notice the signs until it’s too late. That’s why she had been so hesitant about dating again. Well, that, and a certain brown-haired, blue-eyed, strong, kindhearted and caring man that currently occupied roughly ninety-five percent of her thoughts and one hundred percent of her heart.
Minor detail.
Penelope was drawn out of her thoughts when Ethan, her ‘date’, finally sauntered up to where she was sitting at the bar.
“Penelope! How may martinis have you had!? Where’s the waitress at? I wanna find our table, I’m starved!”
Penelope raised her eyebrows at his greeting. No sorry for being late. Not even proper English! Just judgement about how much she’s had to drink and a complaint about how hungry he is. Like he’s the one who’s been sitting here waiting for nearly an hour! Where was the charming guy from the coffee shop?
Oh it was going to be a long night.
***
Colin heard Penelope’s keys jingling in the lock and he gripped the arm of the couch beside him in an attempt to keep his heart from beating out of his chest. One of the many reactions he couldn’t control whenever she was near him. Hell, whenever someone so much as mentioned her name. He tried to remain focused on whatever drivel had been playing on the TV for the better part of the last hour since Eloise had left. But as soon as the door opened his eyes flickered over to her like a magnet, as they always did.
Colin’s eyes floated over her whole body as she turned to hang up her coat and put her keys in the bowl near the door, clearly not having noticed his presence yet. Penelope’s back was still to him, and he took the time to notice how beautifully her little black dress hugged her curves in all the right places, and how her sky-high stilettos made her legs look deliciously creamy and kissable. Her copper curls were hanging down her back in soft waves, and he thought for the millionth time how much he wanted to run his fingers through them. Colin bit back a sigh as he inhaled the scent of her favourite Dior perfume, citrus shampoo, and the faintest hint of lavender that always seemed to follow Penelope everywhere. Jealousy suddenly sparked within him at the thought that she’d dressed up like this for another man.
When she finally spun around and caught his eye, shock flickered over her features for a moment, then he noticed the look in her eyes and concern immediately flooded him. He noticed the way her shoulders were slightly hunched, her posture tense, her mouth drawn into a tight line and the usual sparkle was missing from her eyes.
“Colin…what are you doing here?” Her voice was quiet and shaky in a way he had rarely heard it since that night, and his eyebrows knit further together. “Where’s Eloise?” Her eyes flit around the apartment looking for her roommate.
“She had to go look after Oliver. Phil called, he had to take Amanda to the hospital.” In hindsight he probably shouldn’t have led with that, but his concern for her had his thoughts in a jumbled mess.
Penelope’s eyes immediately widened with worry and panic laced her voice as she spoke, “What?! Is she okay?”
“Yea…yes, she’s fine,” he croaked, clearing his throat. “Sorry Pen, I didn’t mean to scare you. She has croup, and they couldn’t wait until morning to see a doctor. She’s had some medication now and she’s doing a lot better. They’re just keeping her in for a few hours for observation. But I don’t think El will be back tonight, she’ll probably want to stay and help Phil out with the kids.”
Penelope blew out a slow, measured breath. “Okay,” she whispered quietly again.
“She asked me to stay for a bit. She didn’t want you coming home to an empty apartment,” Colin offered an answer to her other question.
Eloise hadn’t actually uttered those words, having run out the door in a flurry of panic after hearing Amanda needed to go to hospital. But it was implied in her rushed 'tell her I love her' as she slammed the door on her way out. Eloise knew he wasn't leaving. He needed to find out how Penelope's date had gone. As an invested and interested best friend of course, because that’s what friends do. It had nothing to do with how he wished it had been him she had gone on a date with. How he wished it had been him she would take a chance with, in her first attempt to put herself back out there, two years after her last horrible relationship had ended.
“Oh,” she sighed out. “You didn’t have to do that.” She was avoiding his eyes and anxiously looking around the apartment again. Colin noticed a sadness take over her face and he was filled with a hopeless need to make her feel better.
“I’m always happy to wait for you Pen, you know that.” Colin smiled up at her warmly, attempting to get a smile out of her, and failing miserably. He swallowed hard. “Are you okay?” he asked softly, concern lacing his voice, as he shifted up onto the edge of the couch. He couldn’t wait any longer to find out. Panic and fear were starting to claw their way up his throat. Adrenaline was coursing through his veins and his heart was pounding in his chest, although for a completely different reason now. Colin had never been good at controlling his emotions when it came to Penelope, good or bad. Happiness, elation, joy, giddiness, excitement, awe, contentment, safety, security, sadness, jealousy, fear, worry…to mention a few of the myriads of emotions she made him feel on a daily basis…
Love…
It had been two years since Colin had realised he was in love with his best friend. He had spent two years being emotionally rung out, drawn out like a live wire, a raw exposed nerve ending, fighting to swallow down his emotions daily. Wondering if, and usually doubting that, Penelope felt the same way.
Waiting for her to be ready…
It had taken pulling her out of the worst night of her life, supporting her and holding her up day in and day out for months as she healed, and feeling as though his heart was being physically wrenched from his body watching her go through all that, for Colin to realise that he cared for her so much more deeply than could be considered strictly friendship. That she was the only one he wanted to care for like that. That he wanted to be the only one who had the privilege of taking care of her.
Penelope’s eyes darted back over to him briefly before dropping to the floor, and she swallowed heavily before replying softly, “Yea…I’m fine.”
“I know El wishes she could be here with you to see how your first date went,” he murmured softly, imploring her to look at him. “You know, I’m sure she’d love to hear from you if you wanted to give her a call. Oliver should be in bed by now, so she’s probably just hanging out at Phil’s,” he said just as gently, hoping that talking to Eloise might make her feel better. Rid her of these all-consuming emotions emanating from her, which seem to be fluctuating rapidly between anxiousness, panic and sadness.
“No, that’s okay. I’ll talk to her in the morning. She’s got enough to worry about.”
And Colin couldn’t help but latch onto that. “Why would she need to worry about you, Pen?” he attempted to say delicately, trying not to come across as too pushy, but he couldn’t help but keep needling her about what was going on. The panic in him was steadily rising, and soon he was not going to be able to hide it anymore.
“No reason.” Alarm rippled across her face again, but she schooled her features quickly. “I think I’m just going to go take a shower…Thank you for waiting for me Colin. But I’ll be fine.” Penelope then shuffled down the hallway towards her bedroom.
Colin wondered if she meant to dismiss him, if she expected him to be gone by the time she got out of the shower. If she realised there was no way in hell he was leaving after that display.
Colin took some deep, slow breaths, ran a hand over his face and attempted to focus on the TV again. Anything to distract him from the gut-wrenching dread threatening to overtake him. He was rubbing his thumb against his pointer finger in an effort to ground himself, an anxious habit he developed around the time his father died. He needed to stay calm if he had any hope of drawing out what was going on with Penelope. And calm did not involve banging on her bathroom door and demanding the truth until she cracked.
***
It was about half an hour later when he heard Penelope’s footsteps lightly padding down the hallway again, and he had managed to absorb absolutely nothing from the nature documentary he had apparently been watching. When she noticed him, she halted her steps for a second, but overall didn’t seem that surprised to see him still sitting on her couch. She was wearing an oversized hoodie she stole from him years ago that reached almost to her knees, and a pair of rainbow socks that went half-way up her calves. He thought she looked as cute as a button, and he couldn’t help the possessiveness he felt from seeing her wearing his clothes. But what unsettled him was the state of her eyes, red and swollen, as if she’d spent the entire time in the shower crying. Colin’s stomach lurched.
She padded lightly over to the kitchen to start the kettle, and Colin moved to follow her, swiftly and quietly.
Penelope must have sensed him behind her because she murmured softly, “You don’t have to stay with me Colin. I am capable of taking care of myself without Eloise here.”
He smiled a little at that because it was at least a small attempt at humour, and that made him feel slightly better. It gave him hope that maybe he was overreacting. Maybe she just had a long night and needed a warm shower.
“I think we both know that I was never going to leave you here like this Pen,” Colin asserted in a tender but matter-of-fact tone.
Penelope glanced back at him, and he could see that her eyes had softened, and there was just the tiniest hint of a smile playing at the corner of her lips. He let out a tiny sigh of relief.
“Do you want tea?” The sound of Penelope’s soft, honeyed voice caused butterflies to flutter around in his stomach.
“Yes please.” Colin watched her as she grabbed two mugs and an assortment of tea bags down from a cupboard she could barely reach even when standing on her tiptoes. He had always loved how adorably tiny she was.
Penelope was pushing the box of assorted tea bags in his direction when he saw it, and his stomach careened again. A suspiciously shaped bruise wrapping around her right forearm, only visible because she had subconsciously rolled up her sleeves whilst preparing the tea.
Colin reached for her hand, and somehow had the wherewithal to do it gently, despite the mixture of torrent emotions running through him at that moment.
Penelope glanced up at him in surprise. “Colin—”
“What is this?” He tried to keep his voice calm, but he knew his tone had an edge to it from the way she flinched and snapped her eyes down to where he was staring. He heard her sharp inhale when her eyes fell on the bruise, and he wondered if she even knew it was there. “Did he put his hands on you?!” Colin couldn’t help the way his voice rose in volume and snapped out of him.
Penelope pulled her hand out of his grasp and backed up into the wall of the kitchen looking panic-stricken, and he immediately felt guilt claw at him for how he reacted. His eyes softened as he looked at her and took a deep breath. He trailed his gaze over the rest of her body, what he could see of it peeking out from under his hoodie, assessing for any other injuries.
“Are you hurt anywhere else, Pen?” Colin kept his voice quiet but firm.
She shook her head as tears formed in her eyes. He felt himself unclench slightly with that confirmation, and he let out another slow exhale.
“I’m sorry I raised my voice, I’m not angry at you.” His voice was as tender as it had been all night, realising the fragile situation they were in right now. “Don’t be scared Pen, I’m not going to hurt you. I would never.” The last sentence came out barely above a whisper, but he knew she heard him.
“I know,” Penelope answered just as quietly, “I’m not scared of you Colin.” She hesitantly met his eyes as her voice broke and tears finally spilled down her cheeks.
It took a great deal of strength to hold himself back then. Seeing Penelope in tears had always cut him to his very core. But he could see the raw vulnerability written across her face, and knew he must tread carefully to avoid her retreating further into herself.
“Come here?” The way Colin said it was more like a question than a demand, letting her know she was in control here. He held out his hand to give her the option.
Penelope’s eyes darted down to his hand then back up to his eyes, assessing him for a moment, before she slowly stepped forward, reaching out towards him. He could feel her trembling when he finally grasped her hand in his, and he slowly pulled her into his arms, giving her the chance to pull away if she needed to.
Penelope didn’t pull away, just let out a shaky exhale as she let herself be engulfed by his arms. She buried her face into his chest before her body was wracked by sobs. And he just held her as she fell apart, rubbing her back with one hand and cradling her head with the other as he whispered sweet words of comfort into her ear. “You’re safe Pen. You’re always safe with me. I won’t let anybody hurt you, I promise. I’ve got you.”
Colin’s stomach had been in knots since the moment she walked through that door and he had known immediately that something was wrong. Now he was having trouble holding back his own emotions, and he had to close his eyes to stop the tears from spilling over. This whole situation was hitting a little too close to that dreadful night two years ago.
He didn’t know exactly what had happened yet. But he knew that the second that guy had laid a finger on her, it would have dredged up all that stuff from the past that she went through with Debling. And one finger was all it would take for Colin to track this fucker down and beat the living shit out of him.
But he couldn’t think about that right now. All he could think about was this sweet, perfect angel in his arms, and how she needed him to stay calm and hold her up tonight.
Once Penelope’s sobs had calmed somewhat, Colin gently lifted her in his arms bridal style, and walked her over to the couch. He pulled her down onto his lap and continued stroking her back.
“Can you tell me what happened sweetheart?” He tried to keep his voice as gentle as possible. “When you’re ready…take your time.”
Penelope shook her head and tried to play it down. “It’s nothing Colin, he just grabbed my arm when I tried to leave,” she mumbled, avoiding his eyes.
“Nothing! Penelope, you have a bruise!” Colin’s voice came out much louder than he intended, but he could not keep his composure any longer. “It is not nothing. Nobody has the right to put their hands on you without your permission. Nobody!”
Penelope seemed taken aback for a second at his fervour. But her face crumbled again and she started spilling every detail, from the moment her date showed up forty-five minutes late, to the passive-aggressive insults about her dress not suiting her ‘body type’, his judgement on what she chose to eat, and the unsavoury comments about her ‘tits’, right up until she decided she’d had enough and tried to leave, when he got angry and aggressively grabbed her arm.
“It just sent my mind straight back to…him,” Penelope whispered, swallowing hard, and Colin could hear the pain in her voice. “The room felt like it was shrinking in on me and I was bracing for…I haven’t felt that way since…I thought I had put it all behind me.” She exhaled sharply, shaking her head, the pain and frustration clearly evident in her voice.
Colin blew out a breath and tilted his head to the side, his heart breaking for her. “You have Pen, you’ve done so well, been so strong. Having triggers…it’s completely normal, and it does not take anything away from how hard you’ve worked or how far you’ve come. You are incredible. What happened tonight is his fault entirely. You did nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with the way you reacted. I know you felt like you panicked, but you didn’t let him intimidate you, you stood up for yourself, and you removed yourself from the situation. You should be incredibly proud of yourself.” Colin tried to give her a reassuring smile. “I know you feel low right now, but it will get better again, I promise,” he trailed off into a whisper by the end, gently stroking her cheek and pushing a lose curl behind her ear. Her beautiful, ice-blue eyes were sparkling with unshed tears, but she looked back at him with a soft adoration as she bit her bottom lip, before burying her face back into the crook of his neck.
“Thank you,” she whispered so quietly into his neck, he wasn’t sure he would have heard her if her lips hadn’t been a few inches from his ear.
“You never have to thank me for anything Pen, I’ll always be here for you,” Colin murmured.
“I know,” she whispered back. “I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life Colin.”
“You will never have to find out, I promise,” Colin breathed out, kissing her temple reverently.
***
Penelope never felt more warm, safe, and secure than she did when she was being held by Colin’s strong arms, her face buried into his neck, inhaling his scent. She felt completely surrounded and protected by him, like nothing could touch her. Her heart constricted. It was moments like these when she felt she would never be able to claw her way back up the slippery slope that was loving Colin Bridgerton.
Penelope had loved Colin, in some way, shape or form, since the moment they met. She was only nine at the time. She had managed to escape her mother, and had been dancing around in the rain, jumping in puddles and waving her yellow umbrella about, when it made contact with the sweetest twelve-year-old boy she had ever met. He was promptly knocked from his scooter and landed with a splash in a nearby puddle, cutting his chin on a rock and scraping both knees and a hand. Expecting him to berate her, she approached him frantically, apologising profusely with tears springing up in her eyes. But he had simply smiled up at her, attempting to comfort her when he was the one who was injured. And those kind, denim-blue eyes had haunted her every sleeping and waking moment since.
Colin and Penelope (and Eloise) had become fast and close friends after that. She spent much of their teenage years fluctuating rapidly between trying desperately to hide her love from him, to holding out hope that he would one day return her feelings. That hope had been quickly and thoroughly quashed when she was sixteen though, when she overheard Colin loudly and drunkenly proclaiming to his friends at a house party that he would never date her. She tried to use the hurt and anger to push him away, in an attempt to move on from him. But Colin wasn’t having it. As soon as he had noticed her trying to put distance between them, he managed to squeeze out of her what was wrong, and spent the next few months apologising profusely and begging her forgiveness. There was no way she could have stayed mad at him, and she allowed him to easily slide back into her life.
Now, at the ripe old age of twenty-five, after more than fifteen years of practice, Penelope was well adept at hiding her love from him. And she was no longer foolish enough to allow her heart to hope he would ever feel the same way. Their friendship was in a good place. Although she had noticed a shift over the past few years. Colin had become a lot more physically affectionate with her, and appeared to be focusing a lot more of his time and attention on her. Their friends and family were always quick to point out their oddly close platonic relationship, often implying them being more. But she would not, could not, allow herself to read too much into it. She had made that mistake before. She had to protect her heart.
Penelope had initially felt the change in their relationship during the time Colin had been unequivocally there for her in the aftermath of her relationship with Alfred. All of the Bridgertons had been there for her really, but Eloise and especially Colin had rearranged their whole lives to support her in a way she had never experienced from anyone in her life before, even her own family. She never really questioned it, but to an outside observer, her breakdown appeared to be the catalyst for Colin to slow down his nomadic lifestyle and put down roots in London. Penelope knew it was just a coincidence that he happened to become more available to her than he’d been at any other point in her life. He didn’t do it for her. Surely not. The two events just happened to coincide.
“Are you hungry?” Colin’s soft voice against her temple pulled her out of her meandering mind, and the all-consuming feeling of being so thoroughly ensconced in his embrace ended all too soon as he wandered into her kitchen in search of snacks. They spent the next hour watching mindless TV, drinking their tea and munching on the snacks Colin had procured. Penelope wasn’t feeling overly hungry, which wasn’t particularly surprising given her emotional state. What was more shocking was Colin, who normally ate with the gusto of a grizzly bear freshly emerged from hibernation, but tonight was only picking and nibbling at his food. She supposed he might not be in the best mindset either following her spectacular breakdown earlier. He was her best friend after all, and he was probably still worried about her, given that she could feel his gaze fall on her at least every few minutes.
Colin was sitting close enough should she need him, but still giving her enough space to breathe and decide how much contact she was comfortable with. That was just the way Colin was. So wonderfully kind and considerate, always seeming to know exactly what everyone else needed, especially Penelope. It was as if he knew her better than she knew herself at times. As soon as she had noticed him sitting on her couch when she arrived home earlier, she knew she had no chance at hiding the frayed state of her emotions from him.
“I’m okay Colin,” Penelope said softly when she felt his eyes fall on her for the twentieth time in as many minutes. She turned her head to the side and looked into his denim-blue eyes, trying to soothe his furrowed brows with her soft smile. And honestly, she was feeling much better. She had been less distraught about what had actually happened on her date, and more about how strongly she had reacted to it, feeling like she had taken ten steps backwards. But now that she had allowed herself to cry and open up to Colin about everything, she had a bit more perspective. There was nothing wrong with reacting like that to being aggressively manhandled. That was never okay. She felt proud for removing herself from that situation, and more confident that she would not allow herself to fall into a relationship like that again.
“I know,” Colin said softly, his eyes gently assessing her, like he was still trying to convince himself.
She nuzzled into his arm. “You don’t have to feel bad if you need to leave,” she murmured. The words were almost too hard to get out, the possibility of him leaving causing her stomach to twist into knots.
Colin pulled back from her with a look of utter disbelief flashing across his features, as if he had not even considered the possibility of a world outside her apartment before that moment. “Penelope,” he admonished. “You’ve always been the smartest person in my life. But if you think I’m going to leave you alone in your apartment tonight, I may have to drop you down the list a little.”
“Colin…” Penelope chuckled lightly at his joke and swatted him on the arm, even as her throat constricted with emotion. Dear, impossibly sweet Colin. Understanding how desperately she needed him, yet somehow managing to inject some levity into a night she could only describe as what drowning must feel like.
How was she ever supposed to fall out of love with this incredible man?
Penelope rested her head against his shoulder, and couldn’t stifle the yawn that slipped out of her then.
“You must be tired,” Colin murmured just as tiredly against her hair, placing a gentle kiss there that made the butterflies flutter around in her stomach.
“Hmm, no. I’m not ready for bed yet.” Penelope’s heart seized at the very likely probability of her nightmares returning tonight. For the past year they had been few and far between, only occurring when something triggered her. And because her triggers were usually something so mundane and seemingly inconsequential in the grand scheme of her day, she rarely anticipated her nightmares, which was somehow better. At least that meant she wasn’t afraid of falling asleep anymore, like she had been for the better part of that first year following her relationship with Alfred. But there was no way she would escape them tonight, and she felt as she so often did as she climbed into bed every night that year.
Colin, of course, caught on to this, and she cursed his ability to read her so well. “I won’t let you be alone tonight Pen. I’ll be there whenever and however you need me. I’ll stay with you if you’re comfortable with that. Or I can sleep on the chair in your room. Or on the couch. Whatever you need.”
Penelope’s eyes welled with tears again at his incredible sweetness, and she squeezed him closer. “Stay with me…please?” she whispered softly.
“Of course,” he replied without hesitation, softly kissing her head again.
***
After Colin had gathered up the empty plates, cups and rubbish and deposited them in the kitchen, they made their way into her room. Colin had often stayed with her or near her during those first few months when she had been in the thick of it, so he was no stranger to her bedroom. But it had been quite a while since he'd been in there, and she felt a blush creep over her face. There was something so intimate about allowing someone into your bedroom, despite knowing that they weren’t and never would be there for sex.
Penelope climbed into her bed quickly to distract herself, and Colin, from her flushed cheeks, pulling the blankets up to her chin and facing away from him.
She heard Colin clear his throat behind her. “Pen…”
Penelope turned her head and peeked up at him from beneath the covers.
“I…do you…are you…” Colin stuttered before clearing his throat again, and Penelope frowned at him. Colin rarely had trouble speaking, his charming and easy way with words one of his more well-known personality traits. “Are you okay if I sleep in my boxers?” he finally managed to get out as pink tinged his cheeks and the tips of his ears.
Penelope’s eyes widened slightly as her own flush deepened. She hoped desperately that Colin didn’t notice. “Ye…yes of course, whatever you’re comfortable with,” she answered bobbing her head with unnecessary vigour.
“I’m more concerned with what you’re comfortable with.” Colin looked at her softly, his eyes flickering over her face, assessing her reaction.
Penelope sighed softly and smiled up at him. What was wrong with her? This was just her sweet, caring, best friend Colin. They had shared a bed before. Many times. Why was she suddenly feeling hot all over at the prospect of being in such close proximity to a bare-chested Colin? Okay stupid question. She knew why. But for some reason it felt different tonight.
“It’s fine Colin,” she murmured. And it was fine. She could do this without overthinking.
Absolutely.
Penelope rolled back over then to give Colin some privacy to get undressed. And also because there was absolutely no way she would be able to handle seeing him clad only in his boxers. Imagining it was bad enough.
She felt the bed shift behind her as Colin climbed in under the covers. She sensed his brief hesitance, before he slowly circled his arms around her waist and pulled her back against him. “Is this okay?” he murmured, far too close to her ear.
Goosebumps immediately erupted over her whole body and a shiver rolled down her spine. “Mhmmm,” Penelope hummed, attempting to sound casual, because there was no way she could trust her own voice right now. She focused on closing her eyes and regulating her breathing before Colin noticed anything was amiss.
“I’m here Pen. Wake me if you need anything…please,” Colin whispered against her head, before placing a kiss in her hair. “Goodnight, sweet Pen.”
Penelope nodded as her heart clenched at his sweet words, and she squeezed his arms in response. “G’night Colin,” she whispered back, finally finding her voice again, before slowly breathing out and allowing her body to relax and drift off to sleep, completely surrounded by the safety and warmth of the person she trusted most in the world.
***
Colin awoke to Penelope whimpering and thrashing about in her sleep. He caught broken words and phrases of ‘stop’ ‘please don’t’ and ‘no’. His heart broke at the sight, his mind unwittingly drifting back to those initial few months post-Debling when she was riddled with nightmares almost every single time she closed her eyes.
He immediately jumped up onto his knees, hovering over her and trying to comfort her with his touch, gently shaking her shoulder to rouse her from her nightmare. “Penelope, it’s okay. It’s just a nightmare. It’s me. I’m here. Wake up for me love, please.” He tried his best to soothe her with his voice.
Penelope suddenly bolted upright with a deep inhale, almost taking Colin out in the process. Her chest was rising and falling rapidly with her frantic breathing, and Colin could see her visibly trembling from where he still sat on his knees beside her.
“Hey Pen, it’s okay sweetheart. It was just a nightmare. You’re okay. You’re safe. No one is going to hurt you here. Just focus on your breathing for me, okay?” he continued his soft, gentle words of comfort, but this time deciding not to touch her, sensing it might not be welcome in her panic-stricken state.
After a few more minutes, her glazed eyes finally found his, and he could see her slowly coming back to herself, her breathing finally slowing and evening out.
“Hey,” he whispered softly, holding out his hand for her to take. Their post-nightmare routine coming back to them as naturally as breathing.
Penelope slowly placed her hand in his and he stroked the back of it gently, giving her time to adjust to the contact as the last remnants of her nightmare fell away.
“Sorry I woke you,” she mumbled quietly, rubbing some of the stray tears from her face with her other hand.
“Are we really going to do this dance again?” Colin gave her a half smile and looked into her eyes, remembering the many times she would apologise for waking him with one of her nightmares, and he would adamantly insist that he would be more upset if she didn’t wake him.
Penelope gave the faintest smile and her eyes brightened slightly, and he knew he’d said the right thing.
“C’mere,” he whispered, gently tugging on her arm to pull her into a hug. She sighed against his chest and he felt her body relax against him. “Do you need something? A glass of water? I could make some tea?”
“No, I’m good thanks. Just exhausted. I think I just want to go back to sleep,” she mumbled against his chest, and he could feel the vibrations go straight through his heart.
“Okay. I’m here if you want to talk about it,” Colin said, pulling back to look at her. He grazed his fingers against her chin affectionately as he looked into her eyes, before gently arranging her back under the covers and once again snuggling up next to her, engulfing her in his arms. “Is this still okay?” he questioned again.
“Yes,” Penelope breathed out, already being dragged back into sleep.
Colin kissed her forehead and closed his eyes, attempting to slow his breathing enough to fall back to sleep. Despite the distressing circumstances that brought him to this moment, and being woken abruptly in the middle of the night, he'd never had a more restful night’s sleep than when he was by Penelope’s side, holding her in his arms, and feeling her breath against his chest. It was one of the rare occasions where he could show her love and affection openly, under the guise of comfort, without her questioning his motives. And with that thought, Colin slowly fell back into a deep slumber, surrounded by the warmth and scent of the woman he loved most in the world.