Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He knows it right away. Right away he opens his eyes after the explosion. It was, actually, hard to miss. Well, it's his safe gear, he has to notice it. The hiss in the tube. The smell. It's itching his lungs.

But it's not his biggest issue right now. Hen is injured. And… Chim’s mask is fully broken. At least Ravi and Cap seem okay.

At least Buck is out. Thanks everything Buck is out. 

He can live with the hole in his oxygen tank connection. At least till the end of the day. Not that he has any choice.

And Buck is out! 

‘Okay, cap, what are we going to do?’

It's a stupid question, he knows it. They have a lot on the plate.

***

Chim was right to isolate himself. Maybe… maybe Eddie should have done the same. 

But Hen’s unconscious and Chim is isolated and Eddie is left as the last paramedic in the team. And, to be fair, the only one. Who can't even touch people. 

And he under any circumstances can't touch Hen. That sounds like a challenge and usually Eddie is up for challenges. Not now. 

He feels it already. He's much better than Chim, that's for sure - hell, Buck, you have to hurry! - but he feels the fever and this awful pain in his limbs. And he stumbles on the perfectly flat floor. Just a little but he knows it's not good. So his limbs are not only hurt - they are ready to stop working. 

But he should help Hen. And he has Ravi. Ravi would do the trick. Ravi and Cap can do it. That's not the easiest procedure but otherwise Hen won't make it. And, to be fair, Eddie knows this procedure too well. Army experience. It would be so much easier if he actually could do that himself!

But he can't. 

‘Ravi. Listen to me. Very carefully. You would need to do exactly what I say. I'll guide you step by step’

Ravi exhales so loudly Eddie can hear it through his mask. He can hear it through his own breathing. Is it getting rougher? He hopes it's not but he knows it is. 

‘Why can't you do it?’

Why, Eddie? Come up with something, because it's a valid question.

‘Chim. He also needs a paramedic and it can't be you or cap, right?’

Ravi nods very slightly. But he nods. And Eddie smiles. And holds on the wall for a split second his vision gets blurred. Just a moment. 

Bobby notices it. 

Bobby is on the line with Maddie and military guys from outside. Bobby tries to get them all out of here. Maybe he misses it. Oh God, it's me, Eddie Diaz, not your favourite child but just for once please, please… don't let Bobby notice anything.

Ravi works on Hen. Very slowly but very precisely. He has potential, to be fair. 

Eddie clenches his fists to stop hands from shaking. Okay, hold on. You don't have a choice yet. You don't have a choice at all. 

This thoracotomy would hurt like hell after. But it looks legit - in the circumstances they are right now. The best of the worst. But it works so it could be called a day. 

He just hopes Hen won't catch this thing also. It would be too hilarious. 

He checks the results of Ravi’s work from a distance. It takes some effort to focus - his vision blurs for a moment again. Nods. Smiles at Ravi.

‘You did great! Now keep it that way and check her every five minutes. I’ll be back with Chim, I can hear him struggling, he's getting worse and while we don't have a cure yet…’

Eddie inhales and freezes from the vivid metal smell in his mask. That's new. There's definitely blood. It's too fast. He can't think about it right now. Not now. They don't have a cure yet.

‘Diaz..’ - Eddie can feel Bobby’s sight. It's… unpleasant. And heavy.

‘Yes, cap?’

‘A quick talk?’

‘Chim needs me, you can see it. You can hear it! So…’- Bobby’s sight gets heavier. Or everything gets heavier. Maybe it's the virus. Eddie can't think what else it could be. 

Interestingly enough if Buck and Athena could make it? They should, right? They should make it. For Chimney!

Because Eddie's head is ready to explode right now. He just can't afford it.

Bobby definitely sees him leaning on the wall before coming closer to Chim. And now it's possible Bobby hears him breathing too heavily. Bobby is very attentive sometimes.

***

‘Maddie, Maddie, calm. You trust Athena, right? And your brother. They think of something. They find Moira and think of something! Chimney's going to be fine!’ - Now it's his turn to talk to Maddie and it's hard. He is not sure if he tries to convince her or himself at that point. So he just keeps doing that while Bobby and Ravi are searching for the saline ingredients. One of them would have to get it here. And Eddie cowardly hopes it would be Ravi, because Bobby looks at him sometimes. And there's too much compassion on his looks. Eddie isn't ready for that. 

He slowly blinks. Checks himself. Fever. Headache so strong his vision is constantly blurry and doubled. That's bad. He has to keep it together. Until they get a cure. Until all of them are out of here.

Maddie stops for a second and her voice sounds muffled.

‘I… Eddie. Are you okay? Your voice is…’.

That's bad. Hell she's smart! Fast, distract her! 

‘I'm fine. Concentrate, Maddie. Saline solution is on the way but try to find something else while we wait and..’

He coughs. And sees the small blood drops on the inside of his mask. Brilliant. It's not the time!

***

It's Bobby. Of course it's Bobby. He brings everything. He stays right behind the door.

‘Diaz. Why do I feel you're hiding something?’ 

Eddie smiles. Just a little. It won't be visible under his mask even if he isn't sure why he still has it.

‘Are you…’ - Bobby just asks. Just like that. Like ‘are you insane’, it sounds exactly like that. If he knows he still has Maddie on the phone?!

So Eddie has to interrupt 

‘Chim is going to be fine. Don't you worry.’

‘And you?’

‘And me, of course!’

He lies. He knows he lies. Bobby knows he lies. And he lies anyway. 

Everything hurts. Fantastic. Oh god Athena and Buck should hurry. Chim doesn't have much time. Eddie doesn't have much time. And he needs this time. He can't just fall down even if this idea looks tempting. 

‘Hey… Eddie.’ 

It's Chim. He's talking. He's one foot in the grave and he's talking!

‘Promise me.. you people won't leave Maddie alone…with children’

‘Don't be ridiculous, Chimney. Of course we won't. And you also won't! They'll get the cure and fix you in a moment!’

‘You're a terrible liar.. Diaz' 

You have no idea, Howard Han, how good I am, thinks Eddie. It's just not a lie.

‘If it's..a boy…you should help Maddie. He should…grow up…with a nice model… like Chris’

Chimney is still delirious, that's for sure 

‘He will. Because his father is great and...’

Chimney looks at him. Somehow very focused. And he can see blood droplets in his mask and shaking hands. He's too close.

‘Diaz.. The hell..’

‘Everything is going to be just fine. Hold on, Chim.’

‘Li… ar…’

Chimney’s eyes roll back

But then - Eddie hasn't even started to panic, being more occupied with Maddie on the line - Bobby says something… something like ‘They did it’. 

Athena did it. Evan did it. It should be a fantastic story to listen to. Some time after. When everyone would be okay. 

Eddie smiles and squints, stumbling again. Yes. Fantastic story. Not for him though. He… most probably won't be there.

***

Buck returns. How did he even pass through the military? And why?

‘Okay, guys, your time here is over, Moira is taken, antivirus is working as I can see by Chim - I'm glad you did it, man! Let's go back, I came to help.’

Bobby smiles through the mask and looks right at Eddie. With a giant question in his eyes. Eddie slightly nods using all his will to stand straight. 

‘Okay, let's go out! You first. Me and Diaz, we need to check one more thing. We're right behind you.’

Buck takes it as an order, as he should. And goes out, walking right next to Chim’s gurney. They're far away in the tunnel when Bobby finally asks

‘Everything is fine, Diaz?’

‘...yes’

Eddie scoffs. His mask is foggy and he tries to clean it with his glove.. but it's foggy from the inside. Foggy and covered with blood droplets. Fortunately though it's not visible from a distance.

‘So we can go out, right?’

He nods. If he tries to talk right now his voice could betray him, Eddie feels it. Eddie hates it. 

But he takes a step. Another step. Every step is a small victory. He goes right after Bobby…

And locks the door the moment Bobby is out of the lab.

‘Eddie!’

Eddie inhales. Very loudly. Takes off his mask. Inhales again. Yes, that's better. Coughs vigorously and clutches the wall to keep standing. 

Bobby looks at him through the glass. He's not asking. And it's even more hurtful. Eddie smiles at him. And a little creek of blood runs down his nose to his smile.

Bobby clenches his fists and finally talks

‘So I was right. You did hide.. something’

‘Guilty.’

‘Why?’

That's a funny question. Really funny. How could he… it wouldn't change anything. But it would make everyone more nervous then. So there was absolutely no reason to say anything. But how to explain it in as little words as possible 

‘It was senseless? I mean..’

Eddie staggers and moves closer to the wall to lean on to it. 

‘I mean we knew there's one dose? And Chim needed it more. I… wasn't sure.’

That’s also a lie. He was pretty sure. From the very beginning. But he didn't want them to make it a choice. They all know who they would choose. So he made a choice himself. 

He doesn't say that but Bobby somehow knows it. Bobby is a good captain. And a good psychologist.

‘You're wrong. Okay. Let's figure something out.’

That's even more funny. Eddie laughs but the laughing changes to very painful coughing and after - with no pause at all - makes him so sick and nauseous he bends down. 

Looks at the little puddle of blood. And laughs again 

‘I think… no. I think you should go, cap. It won't be a pleasure to watch.’

‘That's not the point, Diaz. Listen to me. You have to…’

Eddie just smiles tasting his own blood

‘Bobby… actually…That's the first…time in my life.. I don't…have to… be anything…’ 

Another cough wave makes him lean even closer to the wall. Basically lays on it. 

‘Maybe… I need to confess. Before it's too late.. before..i still can…’

His thoughts are getting more strange and messy in his head but he tries his best. Maybe after all of the team got out he gave himself a break. And... broke. 

Bobby downs his eyes and says something under the hearing. Then looks back at Eddie. Takes out his rosary - he has it on him, that's nice. And his phone. Types something. 

‘Okay. I'm listening’.

***

Buck looks back. Where's cap and Eddie? That's strange. What could they check for so long in this stupid lab?

He goes to Athena. Athena looks at her phone and her face is unreadable. She turns to her car and there's Buck 

‘Hey, Athena… do you…where are you going?!’

She moves him aside in silence. Only when her car is on she spills

‘Apparently not only Chim caught that’

The car flies away leaving Buck in confusion. Not only… no. No no no. Cap?!

It can't be, right? But Athena runs somewhere and she doesn't try to get back so maybe she thinks she can go back to Moira? It's quite impossible. 

Anyway… Bobby is in danger. 

Buck turns back and runs.

Chim tries to catch him on the way. Chim is hardly conscious but very insisting 

‘He's…a liar’

That lands in Buck's head with no consequences at first. But when he's getting to the sterile hall - he has another costume cause he was made to change to something more safe and strictly asked to get his colleagues back - it starts to sink in. Bobby is not a liar. So… Eddie? Why would Eddie lie? About Bobby’s condition? Not his style. And actually Eddie doesn't talk with him. Eddie doesn't talk with anyone. He did talk to Maddie though… okay, first thing first is to get there. 

***

‘... That's it. That's… most…of it’

Bobby nods, keeping his rosary. Then says 

‘What’s about Chris? Did you think that through, Eddie? We still can do something. I won’t buy Edmundo Diaz just give up.’

‘Saline solution? Don't… hell’

Eddie takes a step aside, staggers and slides down the glass wall leaving the bloody handprint on it.

Bobby stands up

‘Okay, that's it. Let me in, Diaz, that's an order!’

‘I don't… I don't think I have... time for.. that. Listen… Chris…. Will be with Buck.’

Bobby blinks and almost drops his rosary

‘What? Why?!’ 

‘The… the will… Buck knows.. he knows… he just doesn't…I…’

Eddie squints and more blood runs down his face. Like bloody tears

‘Eddie!’

‘He.. he just doesn't know… i found a name… for this… hard…messy… thing between…us. It was..kinda… obvious. But… don't tell him!’

The last phrase is full of horror. Bobby clenchs his fist so hard his rosary picks his palm through the glove. 

‘Eddie for god sake open this damn door.’

He looks around searching for the emergency button. Eddie hardly consciously proceeds 

‘I… found the name… some time ago. I thought… I should… have told.. but he chose…chose…’

‘...Tommy Kinnard’

Bobby sadly smiles. He knows he's here not as a captain Nash anymore. He detests that but he can't do anything about it now. Eddie needs to confess… where's this stupid button it should be somewhere it's a safety thing!

Eddie laughs again and some blood just stays on his lips. He's basically drowning in his own blood. He was right saying it won't be pleasant. 

‘Tommy …fucking …Kinnard… promise… Bobby… promise you won't tell him. I hate this… death bed confessions… he doesn't need it. He needs to live…happy life… and…Chris needs him… hell!’

Another wave of nausea and sickness just hits him.

***

‘Bobby!’

Buck freezes trying to adjust to what he sees. Bobby goes around the lab entrance searching for something. That's what they stayed to check? 

He turns around and Buck can't help but take a step back. Bobby holds a rosary in his hands. Why?

‘What the… where's… Eddie?..’

Athena would return. If it is Bobby. It just isn't him. 

But… Eddie is invincible, right? It's Eddie! It just…can't be. Just can't.

Bobby moves aside and Buck stops breathing for a second. Comes closer. 

There's Eddie behind the glass. Sitting there, leaning on the glass wall from the other side. With no mask. Face deadly pale and covered in blood. Buck slowly turns back to Bobby 

‘It's… it's the worst joke ever, guys. Stop it. And.. Why the hell did Eddie take off his mask?! Eddie?... Eddie!’

Eddie tries to focus. It's hard. Even keeping his eyes open is hard. But he manages it. 

Buck. What the hell is he doing here, is he insane?!

‘Evan…’

‘No. No no no. Stop it. Get up. That's not funny! What… Chris is waiting for you!’

Eddie grins. It's bloody and scary. He takes a giant pauses and searches for every word

‘I'm… not coming… you are. You… Chris…’

He slowly blinks and his focus is definitely lost. 

‘What are you… Bobby, do something!’

Bobby comes closer. Puts a hand on Buck's shoulder

‘I'm sorry kiddo’

Eddie coughs again and just lies down on the floor looking at the ceiling. And closes his eyes, basically whispering.

‘Bobby… please… he can't… watch. And… you promised…’

A little bloody bubble forms in the corner of his lips. That's the only taste he has for now. Blood. He never liked it. His speech gets even quieter and becomes a mess of murmurs.

Bobby nods and tries to walk Buck away. Buck thinks that's insane. He freezes

‘I'm not going anywhere without Eddie. Are you both messing with me? That's… please, stop’

He's begging in the end. Because there. Behind the glass. There's Eddie. And Buck hears in his mumbled whispers among the wheezes and rattles… he hears his own name. Muffled ‘Evan’... He doesn't want to hear his name ever again. He might change it. Eddie ruined his name because only Eddie could use his name properly.

And he still uses it… properly.

Buck glues himself to the glass walls and looks there without blinking. 

‘Buck, we need to go. We need to respect..’

‘The fuck we need. To respect what?! If Eddie won't go - I won't go. How to open this stupid door?!’

Buck hits the glass. 

Bobby scoffs louder. And catches Buck's hand before he hits the glass again. 

‘I'm really sorry. Let's go’

‘No!’

Eddie silently chuckles, coughs and chokes on his blood. Thanks, Bobby. 

Buck starts screaming in the hall.

He screams so loudly it can be heard even in the closed lab. It tears Eddie's heart apart. Not for long though. He faints in two minutes after Bobby drags Buck off the glass doors.

Chapter Text

Buck stays there. They are all staying there. Some medical checks. Some military checks. A lot of questions Buck doesn't know how to answer. To be honest he doesn't know why he should answer. But he answers. Some people go around. He stays there.

He saw medical personnel getting inside. To Eddie. And they are still there. So… what if… Neither Buck nor Bobby could check Eddie. So he could be alive. Or - Buck shivers - he could die alone. 

Buck stays there when someone comes closer

‘Evan…’

He frowns like all of his teeth are hurting at the same time. No. Not ever. His name is ruined. His name is stuck behind the glass walls. Eddie ruined it…

‘Please.. don't. Don't call me that, Maddie… never.’ 

She looks confused but doesn't ask and Buck is very grateful for it. He's grateful she doesn't say anything else. Just hugs him and stays close for a minute.

‘How is… how is Chim?’

Words are sticking in his mouth but he makes himself say it. Say anything. Even if there's no sense. Even if his throat is hurting from the screaming.

She quietly inhales

‘He's… he would have to go down to the hospital but it looks like the antivirus works. I mean… he's safe… Ev… Buck. How are you?’

Buck can't really answer. He just doesn't know what to say 

‘I'm fine I guess…I'm not infected and not injured. So I'm fine’

‘So… you can go home. You need to go home.’

That's insane. He can't. He doesn't stay here just in case. He waits. 

Buck still stays there when medics finally go out of the lab. They come out and Buck stops breathing.

Because there's a bag on the stretcher. Not Eddie. There's no human on there. 

There's a body bag. Locked and sealed. Very safe.

Very… surrealistic.

It's a bag. A bag. Where's Eddie?! Eddie is definitely not a bag. There's no way Eddie could be in a bag. 

He takes a step and someone stops him. Catches his elbow and calls

‘Evan’

No. No Evan. His name is dead. His name is sealed tight in the body bag. Eddie took it. 

When he slips to the ground there are several people holding him. He can't see any of them.

He can see only that bag packing into the black van. Going away. Taking his name and something else.

Something he didn't find a name yet.

***

It's been minutes or hours before he manages to stand up. Slowly blinks, feeling his eyes full of sand. Exhales.

‘Well’

There's laughter inside him. He just can't keep it locked. He's not a bag, he's not sealed. Even if he hears crying around him - he can hear his sister and someone else - he just laughs. He laughs loudly. He laughs until he starts to choke. But even then he just can't stop.

The bag. Who the hell…that's fucking funny.

‘Evan'

‘No!’ - he's still laughing but his answer is quite aggressive.

The pause after is very confused. And then Bobby comes closer. 

‘Buck. Inhale. Just. Breathe’

He's breathing. He's fine. He's not… he's not in the stupid body bag?!

Buck tries to stop laughing but he feels the second he stops he starts screaming. There's no other option.

And he screams. Again. He screams so desperately his scream should wake up the dead man. 

But there's none. There's not even… a bag. It's gone.

Bobby holds his shoulder

‘Buck, we have to go. You need to go home. You need to rest.’

Buck takes a sip of air. It's not even an inhale, it's a literal sip. 

‘I need to call…his relatives… parents…Peppa… Chri…’

He can't finish. He can't even think. How for the fuck sake he could possibly call him. What could he say?!

‘Bo… Bobby… I need several days off’

Buck finally catches his breath. Bobby looks at him

‘I can organise it. But I need to know the reason’

‘I… have to go… to Texas. To Chris. He's… I…’

Bobby smiles with the very corners of his lips 

‘I know about the will. Eddie.. told me. Okay. I'll go with you.’

Buck freezes. Why?

But it's definitely better than going there alone. So he nods.

***

Buck sits on the couch and slowly blinks at his sister. She doesn't have to be here, she doesn't have to have stress if she remembers she's pregnant? 

‘Buck, are you listening?’ 

She came here right after the hospital. They didn't let her into Chimney's room but at least they talked. 

At least Chim is alive.

Buck thinks he should feel something else. Like anger or maybe envy. But he's glad for his sister. He's glad Chim's alive. He's glad they found Moira and the antivirus in time. He's a good person in the end, right?

He just can't understand why… that's where his mind stops. Why is Chimney more worth it? Why is his sister more worth it? 

‘Evan!’

He shivers and finally concentrates on her.

‘Maddie. Please. Never. Never use that name. It's…’

It's broken. Ruined. Dead. Soon be buried. It's basically stolen from him!

She just looks at him

‘Okay. Can I ask why?’

‘You can. I can't answer just yet’

Because, Maddie. My best friend died with this name on his lips covered in his blood. I just physically can't let anyone else use it. He took all the rights for it. 

He can't say it, it would sound insane and he's not insane.

‘.. okay. So, Buck. I… need to tell you something. I… kinda knew’

He blinks again 

‘What?’

‘I talked to him. When he helped Howie. I heard there was something wrong. I felt it. I mean.. he coughed! I should have said it to someone. I should have told Bobby earlier. I… it's my fault apparently’

‘No!’

He says it so eagerly he just jumps off the couch and comes closer holding his sister 

‘No, Maddie, oh my god, don't even think about it! There was only one dose. And you couldn't know for sure. You were stressed. I mean.. stop it. It's… it happens’

She hides her face in his shoulder 

‘Yes but…You…’

Buck feels her tears through his t-shirt and doesn't know what to say. He just stands there holding her till the moment his phone rings. Only then he lets Maddie go. Takes the phone. 

‘Hello’

‘Ev..Buck’ - it's Bobby 

‘Yes?’

‘I called Diaz's parents. And booked a flight. It's in four hours, if you need to pack. I'll pick you up in two hours if it's okay… Buck’

Bobby takes a small pause 

‘Please, take the will. His parents aren't very friendly’

‘Okay. I… okay’

Buck puts the phone back to his pocket and looks at Maddie again 

‘I'm going to El Paso… Eddie promised Chris to take him back to LA after the school year's end. Apparently… it happens sooner’

‘Are you… ready?’

Buck grins

‘Do I have any options? I am. It's Chris…’

‘I didn't mean it. I mean… okay. We’ll help. You won't be alone, you know it, right?’

He nods. He knows it. It's just… it's a little bit strange. He lost his best friend. Why does everyone treat him like he lost something else?

***

Buck sits on the back seat of Athena's car and keeps quiet while she drives in the city's usual traffic. Keeps quiet even when Bobby turns to him, checking. He just watches the road.

He took Eddie to the airport several times lately. Eddie basically lived in-between LA and El Paso. So he knows this road to every stone. 

And it feels so weird to be in the car without Eddie. To go to the airport without him. To go to El Paso without him. It's wrong. 

‘Buck, are you okay?’

Bobby turns back to him and Buck smiles just a little 

‘Fine. Just. Remembered something’

Eddie continuously complained about the costs of plane tickets but when Buck asked him why he returned from El Paso - he just smiled.

Buck recalls this discussion word by word 

‘Why did you return to LA? - Eddie smiled and looked at the window: ‘There's something that really matters, apparently. I tried to ignore it. I failed. Chris will be back when he finishes his school year’ 

Buck remembers how he grinned and drummed the steering wheel: ‘You told me all that matters is in Texas’ - ‘I made a mistake.’

Eddie is… Eddie was a liar. 

Chim said ‘He's a liar’ and Buck had to know it on the go. He had to know who Chim was talking about. How could he not?

Bobby apparently tired of calling him so there's Athena’s voice 

‘Buck!’

‘Yes, what?’

‘Airport. We're here. Take your bag, I'll walk you two to the check-in’

He should have asked Athena about her run. Where did she drive?

Why didn't she tell him it was Eddie?

If it would have changed anything….

***

Buck falls asleep the moment the plane takes off. It's not a long flight, so not that he plans to rest. He just didn't sleep back home tonight. 

Because… 

Eddie lived there after coming back from Texas. They discussed it several times, Buck planned to find a new place, Eddie laughed every time and told that he's not ready to lose such a perfect neighbour.

Eddie slept on the couch - it was his intention as long as technically it was Buck's home now. Buck argued every time. All this subletting stuff became their normal topic starter very fast.

Eddie slept on the couch but sometimes Buck sat there for so long he drifted off to Eddie's soft voice right there on the same couch next to Eddie. And Eddie just covered him with his blanket and never said anything. 

But tonight… Buck curled on the couch for several hours and couldn't even close his eyes for a second. Everything felt weird. Everything felt foreign for some reason. Like the whole house was the same and very much different at the same time. 

So he sleeps on the plane. His birthmark is pressed to the plane window and he subconsciously tries to have as little space as he can.

Bobby covers him with the airline's branded blanket. Drinks this awful coffee - for some reason it's always awful at that height. His rosary is somehow already in his palm and he keeps counting beads looking at Buck every now and then.

Eddie left him with a secret he promised to keep. He hopes it will be easy to keep. 

He knows his hopes are never fulfilled.

Chapter Text

Diaz’s parents are waiting for them on the porch and it somehow looks like they don't really want to let them in. Buck doesn't really care, right after he left the car he was looking for Chris.

He still can't see him.

He can see Helena and Ramon though. For some reason he thought they would be sadder. But they are more on the angry side.

Luckily, it's Bobby who starts the conversation 

‘Mister and missis Diaz? Accept my condolences …My name is Robert Nash. I called you’

‘Yes’ 

Ramon finally extends his hand for a handshake. And Buck hates him on the spot again. He hated him before. To be fair he hated both Eddie's parents before but now somehow it's getting stronger.

Ramon and Helena turn to Buck 

‘Evan. And why are you here?’

Buck clenches his fists and tries to smile which is hard when everything in him just screams ‘Never Evan, you have absolutely no rights to use this name, it's not yours and not mine your son stole it and died!’

That hits him and he freezes for a second. His son just died. Eddie… 

‘Hello, Helena, Ramon… I… I'm very sorry for your loss…’

Ramon grins and Helena just shrugs in a very disgusted way. Like they are… not sad. Buck feels it and his hatred just grows. They're not sad. They're disappointed!

Bobby proceeds: ‘Can we talk? And.. where's Christopher?’

Helena nods: ‘Yes, of course, please, come in. Christopher is in his room. He locked himself in after he had the news’

Buck frowns. Chris.. and you let him!

Bobby apparently reads his mind cause he catches Buck's elbow slowing him down a little. But when they come in and Helena goes to make some tea - Buck is finally free. And he rushes to Chris’s room with no hesitation.

***

The door is closed so Buck knocks and immediately hears the answer. 

‘Buck?!’

There's noise from the crutches and the door opens. How did Chris know? His room windows are on the opposite side from the road, he couldn't see him.

‘Chris…’

Buck steps in and hugs him

‘How did you…’

‘Grandma and grandad don't knock and… dad couldn't be here anymore… So who else could it be?’

His eyes are red but Chris doesn't cry. He just hugs Buck so tight like he's afraid Buck could also disappear.

And Buck doesn't know what to say. I'm sorry? It's quite obvious. It's going to be okay?

But…it's not?

So he just strokes Chris's hair and looks around. And at some point his hand stops. He recoils a little and looks at Chris 

‘Did you…pack your stuff?’

Chris nods

‘I… knew you would come and take me home…and I didn't know what else to do. They were arguing the whole day. I hate it. So…’

Chris doesn't cry still but Buck thinks he himself is ready to start

‘You knew I come?’

Chris nods

‘Of course… you're my Buck. And I have to be there, right? That's my dad. I can't miss the funeral…’

Buck squints. Yes… he is. But…

And then Chris - he's still holding on Buck's waist - asks

‘How did it…why?’

That's not the story for the teenager. At least the details. Buck inhales 

‘There was an accident in a medical lab… Eddie… your dad…’

Nope. He can't say it. 

Chris carefully looks at him 

‘Okay. Don't. I mean… at least he wasn't alone, right?’

That hurts as hell. But Buck nods. Even if it's not true. He shouldn't lie to Chris. But he did it anyway. Eddie would approve it, right?

‘Chris… you know.. your dad has a will?’

Chris grins

‘No. Did he? So what did you get? His credit debt?’

‘No. And he didn't have one. No, Chris… he wants… he wanted me to have…you’

Chris steps back so roughly he loses one of his crutches and staggers. Buck catches his hand and walks with him to the bed

‘He left me…with you? Not with them?’

It would be funny if Chris doesn't want it. Buck looks at Chris face and there are finally tears forming in his eyes 

‘Chris, if you don't want it we can ignore it you know, right, they most probably ignore his will anyway’

As usual. Eddie didn't like to share a lot of his family stories but he shared enough for Buck to get the main idea. He was dishonoured.

‘No, Buck.. I… and you really can take me?’

‘Of course. Chris, I won't leave you, you know it!’

Finally Chris breaks. He presses his face to Buck's shoulder and cries. Buck just pushes him closer.

Bobby finds them just like that.

***

Bobby stands in the doorway in silence for a couple of minutes before speaking 

‘Christopher. I'm incredibly sorry for your loss but now we need to go to your grandparents and discuss everything. And…I see you already packed your stuff?’

Chris nods and keeps holding on to Buck as a lifeline

Bobby smiles just a little. Well, Diaz wasn't wrong with his will at least from Chris perspective. If Buck is ready for that, that's the question.

But Buck raises his head and grins

‘You're right. Okay, superman. Let's go for a fight.’

Chris chuckles through tears. Bobby comes closer and passes him his crutches 

‘Let me do the talking, okay, guys?’

They both nod in the same manner. They even look alike. That's, to be fair, hilarious, Eddie's son looks more like his… 

Bobby's smile fades just a bit. Like his friend. There's another name Eddie found for that and Bobby knows this name. Very clearly. It gets even more obvious now when he sees Chris and Buck next to each other in their grief. 

And apparently Bobby would be the only one who knows that name. Eddie should have known that was quite a cruel decision. But… quite merciful at the same time. For Buck at least.

‘Okay. Let's go. Buck, you do have the will with you? It should be handful’

Buck nods again 

‘Of course. I came prepared!’

Chris finally smiles.

***

When they return to the dining room, tea is already served. Ramon and Helena sit next to each other and they look incredibly calm for people who just lost their child. Bobby can't decide if he respects it or despites it. Suddenly he thinks, the second. It's hard to explain.

He lost his children. He knows that feeling. It doesn't look right 

‘Why did Evan come?’

Helena is straight to the business and Bobby catches Buck's face frowns. He really can't stand his own name apparently.

Bobby talks right ahead, not leaving Buck any opportunity to answer

‘Buck is here because your son was provident enough to think about his son's future. And he left the will. Where he called Buck his son legal guardian. That's why Buck is here’

‘That's obviously a lie’

Ramon smiles and proceeds 

‘My son wasn't the brightest but he definitely wasn't an idiot so he knew we would be taking the full custody of Chris’

Well. That explains why Eddie didn't invite his parents to the Christmas party once. 

Bobby glances at Buck. He clenches his jaws so tight his teeth must be hurting.

‘Eddie is… was..’

Bobby steps in

‘Your son knew who was close to his son. It was never you. Did you know Eddie was shot several years ago? Spent some time in the ICU? You weren't there for him. You weren't there for Chris. Buck was. Buck was there every moment for Chris.’

Chris nods so enthusiastically he must be dizzy at that point.

Ramon purses his lips and takes his wife's hand to stop her from speaking. 

‘That still doesn't explain the situation. And it doesn't matter. Chris is staying with us. I told it to Edmundo several times and now I can repeat it. Chris's place is here. The will is just an unfortunate thing we can fix. Through the court’

It sounds quite calm for a threat. And it's obviously a threat.

Buck exhales. He recalls Eddie's voice.

‘No one will ever fight for my son as hard as you’...

It was so long ago. It still hasn't changed. It won't change. 

He speaks and his voice is surprisingly steady 

‘I will fight for Chris. Just as Eddie did.’

***

Ramon takes a short breath and smiles 

‘Okay. Let's leave it aside for a moment. Chris, would you please go back to your room? We need to discuss something else’

‘No’

Chris just moves closer to Buck and looks at Bobby searching for some reassurance. Bobby smiles a little.

Ramon exhales. 

‘The funeral. Obviously Edmundo would be buried here in Texas…’

Buck chokes on his tea. ‘Obviously’? Well it's not obvious for him. Because… well it's quite hard to visit every day. Even every week. It's just… He lost his best friend and now he has to lose even the place to remember him? That's fun.

And he has nothing to say, that's the main issue. He has some right to fight for Chris. But here… he has nothing.

Bobby, somehow, smiles again 

‘So you didn't visit your son while he was alive but now all of the sudden you want to have his grave. That's interesting’

Bobby is furious. Buck knows it just because he knows Bobby. He's calm and seems friendly but his words are shockingly straight.

Bobby proceeds 

‘As he died on the call and it wasn't just an accident - LAFD would most probably want to have his grave there to pay respect to the person who served the city.’

And, most important - Bobby sees Buck's face now. And he has an ace in his sleeve. Not the best though 

‘Also. His wife is buried in LA. As far as I know they weren't divorced. So his wife is there and it's only logical to let him stay in the city he loved. Next to the people he loved.’

He looks at Buck just for a second. Unnoticed.

***

Ramon heavily exhales

‘Okay, Robert. It looks like you have all the answers. Then tell me one more thing…’

Buck just feels the next his line would be terrible so he looks at Chris 

‘Chris, could you please go to your room now? Check if you have everything you’d need back in LA?’

Chris looks at him surprised. Turns to Bobby. He seems very composed. 

‘Buck's right, Chris. Please. Go to your room. I suppose we need to discuss one more thing with your grandparents. Buck can accompany you though’

So Bobby tries to send him away also? That's new.

Buck stands up. Helps Chris

‘Okay, superman. Let's go’

Bobby turns back to Diazes 

‘So?’

Ramon scoffs 

‘I just wonder. What stupid mistake did my son make this time that ends up so… poorly?’

Bobby freezes for a second. He was damn right sending Buck away, he wouldn't take it calmly.

And… stupid mistake? He did his work, that's all.

Ramon continues

‘He was always pretty stubborn to show off, you know. Army, firefighter… But usually he was lucky enough to survive. What went wrong this time?’

Bobby subconsciously hopes Eddie didn't send his parents even a postcard. 

‘Your son was one of the best firefighters I know. And he did everything to save people around him. I don't follow you right now, sorry, what mistake are you talking about? Dying?’

Ramon pauses. But Helena intrudes with not so better words

‘My husband meant.. we loved Eddie but let's be honest. We failed him badly - and it should have ended badly. We just hoped it wouldn't be… that bad' 

Did you, thinks Bobby. Did you really? 

‘I'm sorry. I still don't follow. So you imply… Your son dying on the call helping people is a mistake. Because you failed him?’

Helena nods in agreement.

Bobby very carefully puts his cup on the table. The tea somehow tastes like betrayal. Gladly Buck didn't hear it. It would be a disaster. And, probably, someone could get hurt. 

‘I'm sorry. We definitely talk about different people. Edmundo Diaz I know and worked with wasn't a failure.’

But I can see how hard you tried to make him one…

Bobby thinks he need to go right now otherwise disaster is inevitable even without Buck around 

‘I'm sorry. I need to help Chris and Buck. We need to catch a flight. By the way. Here’

He passes Ramon the will Buck left on the table 

‘You would definitely need it for your lawyer to check’

***

When Bobby knocks to Chris's room he feels his eye twitching. He knows Buckley's parents aren't the perfect example of parenting. He genuinely didn't know Eddie had quite the same issue. Eddie wasn't a big fan of sharing. Maybe that's why Bobby was so surprised with the will. Now it makes much more sense.

The door opens.

Chris and Buck sit in the bed checking all the papers Chris packed. Buck checks. Chris is reading the list he has on his phone. Bobby enters and quietly closes the door behind him

‘What are you two doing?’

‘Dad packed all my documents but he left me a list to check so we're checking… I don't want to go back here’

Bobby chuckles. Well, now he's one hundred percent agree. But there's still an issue 

‘Christopher… The school year isn't finished. So we need to do something with that’

Buck raises his head from the pile of papers he's running through 

‘Eddie found a school in LA. I saw the contract and agreement and bills somewhere here…’

‘It's for the next year, Buck. I'm speaking about this one. Chris has to finish school. I think…’

Buck looks at him in denial. Chris just looks worried 

‘Chris. What are you thinking about distant school? Just till the end of the year?’

Chris quickly nods. Buck asks

‘But there's only two months left so… Why, Bobby? Did they say something?’

Oh yes, they did

‘I just think. In the current situation. It’ll be better for Chris. And for you. Okay. We have a plane to catch, so how is your packing in general?’

‘What did they tell you?’

Buck keeps looking. Bobby just shakes his head. If he knows Buck - and he knows him - Buck would definitely start a fight after any of the phrases Diazes used for their son.

‘Athena just sent me our tickets. We have three hours. Let's finish this’

Bobby helps. His experience in repackaging already packed bags comes quite useful when Chris decides to add some of Eddie's stuff.

Chris puts things to his backpack with stories. Some like ‘That's dad's favourite tie. He's not a fan of ties but this one is good. And that's a thing from his army…’

‘It's his silver star’

Buck grins

‘We need to take it, thanks, Chris. And that's… what is that?’

‘That's actually yours.’ 

Chris chuckles and looks at the picture Buck holds in his hands.

‘When I was little. I had to draw a picture of the heart. For my biology class. You helped. You misunderstood the assignment, remember?’

Buck remembers. He just didn't know Eddie saved it. Preserve it. Why did he do that?

Bobby takes the drawing from his hands.

‘That I'll take if you're okay with that. Put it on my fridge. It's Buck's drawing - so that's the place’

Buck still looks very confused. 

And Bobby thinks. It was several years ago, Diaz, and you found a name for it just recently. And Buck… didn't find it at all.

He stops himself.

It's better Buck never finds it.

***

The goodbye is quite messy and fast because it's a hard mix between ‘See you at funeral’, ‘See you in court’ and ‘See you in hell’. Luckily it ends and the rest of the way home is quiet. The car ride to the airport is calm, there's no line to check in and Bobby finds an acceptable coffee in the departure lounge. 

Chris dozes off when the plane takes off, holding Buck's hand. Buck turns to Bobby and asks

‘What did his parents say you agreed to take Chris home today?’

Bobby purses his lips.

‘I'm not sure I should share it. Let's call it that way, I wasn't aware of Diaz's parents before. That's why I was surprised he left a will on your name. Now I know for sure he was right. E.. Buck. Are you sure you can do this? I mean, kid is… it's not very easy’

‘I know. I have known Chris for almost ten years. I think I know what to do. And I won't be alone, right? So what did they say?’

Bobby exhales. Looks at the window - the night sky over the clouds is astonishing. And he thinks. Somehow life goes on even if it should stop. At least for a second. It never stops. 

‘They think Eddie was a failure. And his death is a mistake’

‘It is!’

‘No, Buck. His mistake.’

Buck thinks for a second and his eyes widen. 

‘What… Eddie always says his parents are a special treat he's not fond of but I didn't think they…’

‘And they will go to the court to take Chris from you’

Buck smiles. Bobby watches him smiling with a heavy heart. Buck smiles just like Diaz right now. Very sneaky.

‘And I won't let him go’

***

Athena waits for them in the parking lot ready to go. 

It should be the easiest part of the way but it's not. Buck gets it when he turns to Chris and sees tears running down his face 

‘Chris? Chris!’

Chris looks at the window and tears keep falling down 

‘Buck.. I… never was here alone. Without dad. I don't know how…’

Buck hugs him. Pulls him closer to hold. And holds murmuring something and stroking his curls 

Bobby looks back from the front seat silently asking if they need anything. Buck shakes his head 

Bobby nods and turns to Athena. And proceeds their discussion even more quietly

‘He didn't cry in front of them, Athena. They are ready to fight just to fight. Not because of him. Because it's ‘normal’. That's their reason’

Athena squeezes the wheel 

‘We can't stop them. But just in case we have a juvenile lawyer. And we have tons of witnesses that Evan..’

He doesn't hear her but Bobby hears and calmly abrupts her

‘Buck. Call him Buck’

Athena scoffs but fixes herself 

‘That Buck is perfect for him. Plus the will. Plus.. Chris is fifteen. He has a word in the court. So Chris will be fine’

She doesn't say ‘Buck will be fine’ though.

Chapter Text

Buck has no idea it would be so hard to wait for the funeral. He has no idea he would ever wait for the funeral but here he is. Sitting in the kitchen in the middle of the night waiting for his best friend's body to be returned. Body…. He looks around and his memory tricks him. 

Sometimes they both caught the same insomnia and spent the whole night here in the kitchen talking. Buck remembers it so vividly he can actually see Eddie standing there in the corner with his mug and something sweet in his hand. And he is grinning and he has powder sugar all over his face. And he talks about some stuff like Chris's new hobby or new car or anything to be fair. He's just there. And Buck suddenly feels home.

Now there's no one in this kitchen apart from Buck himself. And Eddie's mug is in the box of his things Buck can't even look at. 

His mug, his favourite fork - somehow he had it? He thought other cutlery tasted bad? - his…mostly everything. Buck just packed it into boxes and hid. 

Is that grief? Is he grieving his best friend so much he can't.. he can't. 

Eddie should have stayed in Texas. What could possibly matter so much he returned…and died here. Nothing! 

In Buck's memories Eddie sits next to him with a beer and laughs at Buck's new Wikipedia finding. 

In Buck's memory he's here cooking breakfast for Chris and talking to his hildi coffeemaker.

In Buck's memory Eddie is alive and he calls him ‘Evan' and it sounds right. 

He can close his eyes and hear it.

But then Buck blinks. 

The kitchen is empty and silent.

***

‘I talked to them, Buck. He will be here in three days’ - Bobby sits at his office and looks at Buck. And Buck freezes. He… 

Buck knows what Bobby means, he just… Bobby doesn't use a name and Buck is grateful. But it could be easier to call it just…it. It will be here. Not ‘he’. He won’t…

Buck looks around and notices Eddie's name on the file right in front of him on Bobby's desk. And the urge to take it is unbeatable. He extends his hand but Bobby is much faster. He takes the file and puts it in his drawer 

‘No. You don't need it. I just… I need to prepare a speech’

‘And you need his file for that? You know him! I know him. Everyone here knows him. Without his file!’

Bobby inhales

‘It will be a public funeral service…’

Buck frowns. Eddie definitely would hate it

‘No’

‘I tried, Buck. It's not my decision. Apparently it was a pretty big deal..’

‘To die?!’

‘Evan!’

Buck's face changes

‘Don't. Ever. Call. Me. That’

‘I'm sorry, Buck… but it's your name. It's on your ID. You know it, right?’

He knows. But it's not his name anymore. It's… Eddie took it with him. He drowned it in his own blood and took it. He shouldn't have to do that. He should have stayed in Texas…

‘Buck?’

‘We are… We were best friends, right?’

Bobby nods. The pause is so short Buck couldn't see it

‘Then… why do I feel like I lost something else?’

Bobby sadly smiles.

‘What exactly?’

There's a long pause. Then Buck whispers 

‘Everything…’

***

Chim enters the station and the first thing he sees - Eddie's shelf. It's empty but the name tag is still there. ‘Diaz’. Right next to ‘Han’. Chim freezes for a second. 

That's wrong. That's all wrong. It shouldn't be him. 

‘Chim! Nice to see you back. How…’

Ravi sees his eyes and recoils

‘I'm.. I'm sorry?’

Chimney inhales

‘Panikkar. You're fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine’

He speaks but keeps looking at ‘Diaz’ name tag.

Nothing is fine.

Ravi's still looking at him. Then turns to the shelf.

‘We need to take the tag off’ 

‘No. Not.. not yet’

Chim frowns. So, ‘Diaz’. You took the easiest way, right? You decided for everyone. And died. Like a coward!

Chim feels his eyes start to burn. Scoffs. And go to the locker room. Changes. Goes to the kitchen. Takes a cup - just the closest one. 

It is signed. On the bottom there's a mark ‘Buck'. In Eddie's handwriting.

That's fun. He forgot about it. He takes another cup.

Coffee is tasteless but he knows it could be the aftermath of his disease. Or it could be his new life. Borrowed one. Hell he hates it.

Bobby comes to the kitchen. Smiles 

‘Chim! I was pretty sure you would take several additional days’

‘I need to be here. And… I need a distraction. Before the…’

‘I know… I'm glad to see you, really.’

Chim looks into his cup. Unfortunately, coffee’s surface doesn't have any answers. 

There's nobody else at the kitchen so the moment is fine and Chim really need to talk 

‘I knew’

‘... Elaborate’

‘I knew, Bobby. I knew he's infected. I saw it’

Bobby keeps silent for a moment. Proceeds very carefully 

‘You can't be sure. Now we have only the aftermath. And yes, there were signs…’

Chim takes a breath 

‘No. It wasn't a sign or a hint. I knew for sure. Bobby, I saw his mask full of blood drops. I saw his hands shaking. I saw it and I know what I've seen because… I was there. And you know the worst part?’

Bobby slowly shakes his head even if he's pretty sure he does.

‘He knew. He knew he's going to die there. He knew there's one dose. He… he let me have it’

Another pause. Very heavy 

‘He did. So you can live. What is the issue?’

‘What is the issue?! Bobby, he stole a right to decide! From me, from you, from all of us!’

Bobby slowly inhales and Chim notices the rosary in his hands 

‘I know why he did it. I can't blame him. I'm grateful for that. You should be too.’

***

Buck looks at Chim from a distance. He fills today's report and looks calm and Buck hates him for that even if he can't explain it. 

It feels weird. And wrong. 

He comes closer 

‘Hey Chim. Need help?’

Chim scoffs 

‘If you want to finish my report - I'm down for that but I'm pretty sure you have your own’

Buck smiles. Just a little. And the smile instantly fades

‘You said ‘he’s a liar’ that day. What did you mean?’

Chim drops his pen. Raises his eyes on Buck 

‘I don't really remember it, sorry. When did I say it?’

He remembers. Of course he remembers. But for some reason he's pretty sure he has to lie. Because… if Buck finds out Eddie knew… he shouldn't know. 

‘I ran there, Chim. I was sure… I was one hundred percent sure it's Bobby. I buried him in my mind running through that hall. I didn't get it then. But… you tried to warn me!’

Chim isn't ready for that. But he knows - he thinks he knows how Buck feels right now. So he has to say something. He has Bobby. Bobby is his friend. He has Hen. Hen is his best friend. Buck… Buck has everyone of them actually. And still he looks like he's alone with that

‘Maybe. I really can't remember much. It's not like I was fully sober. I'm sorry, Evan’

Buck shivers. Chim doesn't know. He didn't say it on purpose 

‘Buck. Just… Buck, okay?’

He still can't explain it. He still can't hear it. He definitely should just change his name legally. It would be easier.

Chim takes a moment. Then nods. He wants to ask something else, Buck can see that. But he doesn't. And Buck doesn't insist.

***

It came in the evening. And… It is a coffin.

‘Why?’

Buck looks at it very confused. Then turns to Athena. 

‘Athena. Why?’

She tiredly touches her forehead 

‘Why what, Buck? We need to bury… something’

Buck knows that!

‘No. I mean… Why is it a coffin? I read… It has to be a cinerary urn. Because… biological hazard…Only ashes… Cremation is a standard protocol. I read…’

Buck feels so dizzy he needs to hold on to the wall. 

If there's a coffin. So there's… a body? He can see it? He can say goodbye?! Can he?

He comes closer in total disbelief. Touches the coffin lid. And tries to find locks. 

Someone catches his hand 

‘I'm sorry sir. You can't open. It's sealed and secured with a numbered seal. Safety reasons’

Buck blinks. Turns to Athena. Her face is more concerned than surprised.

‘Can I check the documents?’

Athena takes the file passed to her. Reads. And looks even more concerned.

‘Why did it take so long then?’

She asks a lot of questions to be fair, Buck tries to listen.

But he can't stop stroking the coffin lid. It's just a giant wooden box. With a flag. It just can't be Eddie. 

Plastic bag wasn't him. Coffin isn't him.

Athena finds him crying. And - for some reason - takes a closer look at the metal seal. Her lips move when she reads the number. Her hand is in her pocket.

Then she inhales. And puts her hand on Buck's shoulder. 

‘Ev..Buck.. let's go. We need to prepare for tomorrow.’

Buck can't. He couldn’t cry before. He can't stop now. He can't even check. He doesn't need to. But he wants it! He wants to check!

Or he wants to see him for the last time. There's a thin line. Buck isn't sure. 

She walks him to her car and it reminds him in flashbacks how Bobby walks him down the hall. Away from Eddie. Both times.

Chapter Text

Buck wakes up from the phone call. 

He stretches in the bed and carefully gets out trying not to wake up Chris. They took Chris’s room, Eddie's parents - Buck hates it to the very guts but he couldn't just send them to the hotel even if he is pretty sure Eddie would do exactly that - took Eddie's room. There is somebody else sleeping on the couch, Buck is not really sure why even though Chris tried to explain it several times yesterday.

Okay. After he saw the coffin there's nothing else he can think of. Why is there a coffin? Why is it sealed? Why for the fuck sake Eddie is dead?! He shouldn't be. 

The phone is still ringing somewhere. Buck walks into the kitchen and shivers 

It's Eddie's. Eddie's phone is ringing. Why is it ringing?! Everybody knows he's…

He struggles for a second but the phone is still ringing so he has to answer. He doesn't know the number and there's no name so most probably it's some spam call. But what if… what if…

The call ends. Buck didn't catch it. It was most probably a spam call but still… Now Buck would never know. 

And now he looks at Eddie's phone with a very strange feeling. 

He… doesn't know Eddie's friends apart from 118. He doesn't know…anything about his life in Texas. Yes, it wasn't so long. But there was something. And maybe someone? Who knows. 

Eddie would have told. It's Eddie, right? They talked about everything.

Buck flinches. They haven't ever talked about Tommy. Like. Tommy thought Eddie was a competition… they didn't discuss it once. That's interesting actually. Why didn't they discuss it? It was a funny accusation.

Buck takes Eddie's phone again. Looks at it. The battery is so low it's in the red zone. He may need to charge it. He looks again and finally understands one thing.

Eddie's wallpaper. It's him. It's Buck and Chris. That's fun.

That's fun, right?

When Chris wakes up and comes to the kitchen - Buck stands at the same place. And his tears slowly fall down on Eddie's phone.

***

‘Buck?’

Chris carefully comes closer and touches Buck's elbow. Then holds it

‘Buck!’

His voice gets scared. Buck slowly blinks and pulls him closer.

‘Sorry. I was… thinking’

‘You're crying, Buck.’

‘Yes, I…’

Buck puts the phone on the table. The battery is dead and the screen is black. He can see his own reflection and it's not the best of his looks that's for sure. He should fix it before the funeral. 

‘I miss your father. Very much.’

Chris inhales and speaks. In a very mature tone

‘I know. He missed you back to Texas, you know? Every time he saw something interesting he saved it to show you. And he put our picture on his phone wallpaper!’

‘I see…’

Buck holds Chris even closer just to feel his warmth. To feel Chris is right here. Chris cuddles him and proceeds 

‘He thought…’

Suddenly he starts to sob

‘That's how he can keep us close. And the picture is… he said it's very funny. I look just like you there. On the screensaver he has another one. All three of us. You need to see it also. I think… It would be good to see some photos. Later. After…’

‘We’ll do everything you want! Chris, now you're crying. That's… okay, pancakes? We need to have breakfast before everyone is awake. I don't want to make pancakes for them…’

Chris chuckles through the tears and nods.

And Buck manages to make the most perfectly round pancakes ever. With a blueberry smile on each one. The same smile he tries to put on Chris's face.

The same smile he desperately lacks himself right now. 

***

It doesn't look real. That's what Buck is thinking constantly. It just doesn't. He feels the weight of the coffin on his hands and it doesn't feel real 

He sees people's faces and it's all fake. Why are you all here? 

Why are you all…alive? He thinks he could bury everyone. He would have been devastated. And he would have still had his best friend by his side. It would have been easier, damn.

And now it's just a messy disaster. Somehow Buck is pretty sure Eddie would hate it.

Buck hates it for both of them. This crowd. This road they need to walk. This bell Buck has to ring. 

Bobby didn't ask him to say something and he thinks it was the right decision.  

But Bobby asked Chim. And now Buck has to hear about sacrifices and duty and everything that is not technically a lie.

It's just not all that Eddie had been. What about his attitude? His lack of superstitions. His smile before he cut the rope.

Buck could tell much more about him. Maybe that's the main reason Bobby didn't ask him. Now all that belongs only to Buck. 

And his own name now belongs only to Eddie. He takes it to his grave. 

Buck can feel the tears running but he's not sure at this point if he is crying over Eddie. Or over himself.

***

‘Hey, Evan’

Buck grins. Very unpleasantly.

‘Tommy. Hi’

His first intention is to ask something like why are you here but he stops himself. He knows why. He's a firefighter. He was Eddie's friend at some point. He was… something for Buck.

‘I just want to say, I'm really sorry’

He doesn't look sorry though. He smiles. Buck hates it. Very badly. How could he smile right now? How could anyone smile right now when there, right in front of them, is a coffin. With Eddie inside. Buck really wants to make a scene. But that's definitely not a good time so he just nods

‘Thanks’

‘And…’

Now he is going to say something ridiculous, thinks Buck. And there would be a scene anyway. He just waits. Tommy doesn't disappoint in the end 

‘So all of this hilarious chase with the FBI was pointless? My competitor died anyway? Why didn't you tell me we did it for him?’

Buck waits for something like that but he gasps anyway. Competitor? He inhales

‘We saved Chimney. That's the point. And don't you ever call Eddie that!’

He hears his own voice crack. Bobby hears him too, even standing far away. He turns to Buck and hears Eddie's voice inside his head

‘Tommy fucking Kinnard’. Well, it was rude but quite close to the reality, Diaz, I'll give you that.

Tommy meanwhile raises his hands 

‘I'm sorry. I didn't know you two finally got to the conclusion. Then I'm even more sorry for your loss, Evan’

Buck slowly blinks. He will hit him right now. Right in the face he used to like. Right in the lips he used to kiss. Just because.

Buck didn't stop his own hand - Bobby stopped it. He catches Buck's wrist and looks at Tommy 

‘Kinnard. Dismissed. And you better be fast’

‘Got it’

He disappears. Only then Bobby finally looks at Buck. Lets his hand free

‘Everything is fine, Buck?’

‘No… he said… he called me Evan’

Bobby tenderly smiles

‘I know. He's used to it. It's still your legal name’

‘He said.. he said… Bobby. Why does everyone imply I am in love with Eddie? I'm not! He knows that! We're friends’

Buck uses the wrong tense. Bobby won't correct him.

And Buck asks… that's a risky zone of discussion. 

‘I know. You're friends.’

‘I found a name… he didn't.’ Eddie's voice is echoing in Bobby’s head right now and it's cruel. Because it means he's lying to Buck right now. But he knows he should. He promised it. 

***

On the other end of the ceremonial hall Chim looks at Ramon and Helena Diaz in pure horror. Then tries to find words. Like polite words. Not very successfully though 

‘Are you insane? Did you just imply Eddie died because… because he was a failure?!’

He loudly takes a breath 

‘That's.. I… That's not even close to reality. How could you … today…’

There's Athena right next to him. She is surprisingly quiet today and Chim gets it. He would like to be quiet today. But he had to hold a speech and now, apparently, he has to fight his burning desire to scream at the ‘grieving’ parents because they are not grieving. They're embarrassed! They don't have any clue what their son really was.

They don't have a clue Chim can stand here mostly because of Eddie Diaz and his stupid decision he stole from his team. 

He takes another breath.

‘I'm sorry for your loss. Instead of you.’

‘Don't be. At least you manage to survive your work every day…’

Chim hit Buck once. It was terrible. 

Now it's even nice. Well, it was nice. In the end he managed to survive that lab mostly because Eddie didn't. He'll be fine with Eddie's parents blaming him. But that?!

Athena grabs his hand immediately and turns to shocked Diazes

‘I’m very sorry! He's… not in the right place right now! I'll take it from here. By the way, my name is Athena Grant. I'm a police officer.’

She drags Chimney away to the corner shushing him. There she finally releases him

‘Chim, what the hell?!’

‘Did you… did you hear him, Athena?!’

She scoffs 

‘I know! But you can't possibly hit Eddie's father! Especially not in front of Chris!’

‘Chris was there?!’

Now Chim thinks he didn't hit that brat enough. Because how could he say that in front of his son's son?!

Athena loudly exhales and there's Chris. He is quite fast with his crutches. And he's smiling 

‘I saw you hit grandad!..’

Chim isn't ready to explain but Chris proceeds with his giant smile and it's the first time for days he is actually smiling

‘Thanks! Dad would love it. He told me you're cool’

Chim grins. Oh yes, Chris. Your father told you I was cool. And then he died because I wasn't cool enough to take his place.

***

‘It's so quiet. Eddie would like that…’ 

Buck looks around. He is so grateful to Bobby for making this burial in LA. He hates the whole idea of burial in general. But at least Eddie would be here. Not Eddie of course but…

Quite the opposite of Eddie's parents by the way. They left after the official ceremony. 

To be honest, Buck is glad. It was too crowded. Now there are only people Eddie likes… liked. 

It's so fucking hard to think about him in past tense Buck needs to make himself do it. 

Maddie slightly exhales. Comes closer and holds his elbow 

‘Are you holding up?’

‘As you can see. I'm fine’

And he is actually fine. Till the very moment the coffin goes down. 

Chris is next to him sobbing and Buck can see faces around. No one is smiling. Apart from him. He can't stop. That's… that just can't be real. That stupid joke is too long to be funny.

And he's laughing because it's so not funny it became funny. 

He's laughing so loudly even Chris looks at him surprised. But Buck can't stop. He's laughing and tears are running down his face and he can't stop it. 

He has no idea it could be so painful to watch a wooden box going under the surface. It's just a wooden box, hell, it's not his best friend inside, right? It's sealed. He couldn't check. So he couldn't see. So it's just a box! There could be anything. Anyone. Not Eddie. 

‘Buck?’

Chris pulls his arm a little. Buck tries to stop. He really tries. 

He can't say goodbye. Not to him. And he's choking on silent sobs and shivers when Chris hugs him. 

Maddie comes closer. Then Bobby, Athena and all 118. 

They just stand around him and he thinks it should help. He's not alone. He still has friends. The closest ones. The best ones.

There's just no Eddie anymore and that's killing him. 

It doesn't help.

‘Can I… have a moment?’

Bobby nods

‘Of course. We'll be nearby. Waiting for you’

Bobby and Athena walks everyone away and Buck finally sobs out loud 

Comes closer to the fresh grave. 

‘You should have stayed in Texas. There's nothing here worth you dying. You should have stayed alive. For Chris. For me…’

Buck's vision is blurry from tears and he whispers 

‘You should have stayed with me and kept calling me ‘Evan’.’

Chapter Text

His alarm goes off. As it does every day. Eddie scoffs and mutters something in Spanish before turning it off. He can't recall the last time he woke up with such a headache. And what was in his head when he set the sound of a flat line instead of the normal alarm? But it definitely does the trick.

Okay. He needs to get up, check if Buck and Chris are awake and get ready for the shift. If today is a good day - he can rely on Buck's breakfast. Hell, he's a good cook. It would be a catastrophe when he finally moves out.

‘Hey, Eddie! Toasts, pancakes or fried eggs?’

They are going to starve as long as Buck moves out.

‘I'm fine with anything, ask Chris?’

Eddie finally leaves the bed and hears Buck repeating his question. And Chris answers immediately.

‘I wanted waffles??’

Eddie smirks and hears Buck laughs in the kitchen 

‘It wasn't an option but okay superman, waffles on the way’

Chris giggles and the sound of crutches gets louder.

Eddie goes to the bathroom. Turns on the water and glimpses in the mirror. And freezes. For the split second his face looked like death, pale and bloody. But he blinks and it goes back to his normal sleepy face he knows how to live with. 

‘Eddie, are you okay?’

Eddie exhales. Apparently he sticks in the bathroom for way too long. And he doesn't feel it

‘I'm fine’

He comes into the kitchen and sniffs the air like a dog. Buck is a perfect cook. And his food smells amazing every time. Buck gives him a concerned stare.

‘What?’

‘You shouldn't move out. Chris and I won't survive without your cooking. Without you in general.’

Buck laughs. He thinks Eddie's jokes are nice. He doesn't think they could not be jokes.

Eddie smiles with a specific undertone of sadness and takes a waffle. Tastes it. Closes his eyes

‘Perfect.’

‘You don't like waffles’

‘I like everything you cook’

Buck laughs again. Eddie really loves his cooking. And his laughs. And him. 

And Buck just… doesn't. And it's fine, it's totally normal. 

Eddie silently inhales. It's… totally normal to be desperately in love with your best friend. Of course. It's not pathetic in any case. And it's totally normal… to not. 

‘Eddie?’

He smiles again 

‘Sorry. Just taking a moment with your waffle. Maybe we need to get a room’

Buck smiles and turns back to the waffle maker to make a new batch for Chris. And Eddie's heart is aching just a little.

***

He starts coughing two days after, on the call. Being halfway up on the ladder.

It's… strange. He's not sick, he knows it, there's no flu or even ordinary cold. And to be fair he couldn't recall even severe flu causing this type of cough. Like all his guts are tearing apart.

Eddie holds to the ladder trying to breathe in and he feels that specific copper taste he knows too well. 

That's fantastic!

‘Diaz, what's wrong?’

He is stuck on the ladder coughing blood and he has no idea what the actual hell is happening, that's what. It's hard to explain.

And it ends abruptly like it has never happened. But it did. Eddie still feels this bloody undertaste on his tongue.

But nothing else 

‘Sorry, I… it's fine’

He doesn't sound fine but it doesn't matter. He runs up the ladder as fast as he can and proceeds working. As nothing happened. Maybe nothing happened. 

Because there's no coughing anymore and in general he feels nice. So, he decided not to think about it.

Buck waits for him near the ladder and after Hen and Ravi take the guy - mild carbon monoxide intoxication and a big laceration on his forearm, nothing too drastic but he's lucky they came so fast, his apartment is a witch fire now. 

So Buck waits for him and checks immediately.

‘Are you okay? What was it? I heard your coughing. Are you sick? Do you need to go to the doctor?’

Eddie grins. Buck is so caring sometimes it's funny.

‘I'm okay, Buck. Maybe I inhaled something. I'm not coughing now’

‘It sounds terrible. Like…it sounds like…’

Eddie slowly blinks. And Buck proceeds 

‘It sounds like you're dying…’

‘But I'm not’

Eddie's grin gets wider 

‘I'm totally okay, don't worry. What's with the guy?’

‘On his way to the ER but seems fine. He didn't cough though’

Buck is still checking him like he's waiting Eddie to drop dead right now 

‘I'm not coughing either. I'm fine. Back to work’

Eddie finally unplugs his safety system and stretches his back before turning around to go to the engine.

Buck is still watching him. As a good friend should.

***

‘Eddie, listen’

They are in a bar, celebrating…something that already left Eddie's head but it doesn't matter. Everybody is having fun and he's trying also so Buck has to repeat

‘Eddie’

‘What?’

The music is loud just enough to make their conversation absolutely inaudible in a foot of them. And apparently Buck decided that is the perfect time and place for asking this 

‘Why did you come back from Texas?’

Maybe he tries to catch Eddie. Maybe he thinks after a couple of beers and music Eddie will be more honest. Surprisingly, he is right.

Eddie smiles and leans to Buck.

‘To be closer to you.’

He laughs a little watching Buck's face frowns.

‘Nice one, Eddie.’

Buck finally laughs. Obviously. Because Buck loves Eddie's jokes. 

Especially when they are not jokes.

‘But really. Was it so bad in Texas?’

Eddie takes another sip from his glass. Well. It wasn't good but that bad? Anyway. Now he needs to find an explanation Buck believes.

‘You don't know my parents. They judge everything. Literally everything. And they think Chris is a ‘special’ kid!’

‘He is special! He's perfect!’

When it comes to Chris Buck becomes incredibly defensive 

‘He is. Not for them though. They treat him as if he's defective. Because I'm defective and I can't even make a ‘normal’ child. So… yes, it is bad enough back in Texas’ 

Buck smirks 

‘Your own parents think you're defective? You? How come? I mean… you don't have a dead brother..’

‘I don't. I just.. don't fit into their standards. In any possible way. Sometimes I think they would have been happier… without having me, let's call it that way’

He remembers his first day after Afghanistan. He was so messed up and he got a silver star and he tried to explain it subconsciously waiting for… something. And he got something. Something like 

‘So you did your duty… it would be strange you didn't… Didn't know they give a medal for that now, need to check if our bus driver gets one’

Yes, they definitely would be much better without him. 

Buck is looking at him through his glass 

‘You know, I thought my parents were the worst. But apparently they are sharing this position’

Eddie shrugs 

‘I got used to them by now. I just don't want Chris to live through this as I had to so that's why I put you in my will’

Buck scoffs 

‘I hope I'll never have to actually do it. I mean…’

‘I get it. I hope so too’

Eddie blinks and somehow the picture is changed drastically. There's no bar anymore and no Buck but blindly white ceiling and medical staff around him talking through their masks. And pain.

Pain is so crucial he squints and feels the taste of copper in his mouth again. It's not even scary, even if he hears the heart monitor somewhere is choking on the beeping sound. And all goes dark with his exhale 

‘Evan…’

‘What? Eddie? What's wrong?’

He blinks. No. Still in the bar. Buck is still in front of him, looking concerned 

‘Nothing’

‘I thought… like you weren't here for a second. And…you've called me Evan?’

‘Sorry..’

To be honest, Eddie loves his name. ‘Evan’ tastes like everything Buck cooks. And it feels like home even if there's no explanation for that whatsoever. But it's too intimate and too personal to use in everyday life, as he thinks. Tommy Kinnard for example, doesn't think so. He also thinks calling Eddie by his last name is fine. It's not.

Eddie smiles and gets his glass. And his hands are shaking - and Buck sees it also.

‘Eddie. Something is wrong’

‘Maybe I'm tired? Nothing big. So you were saying?..’

Buck is right. Something is wrong. Eddie just can't get what specifically.

***

It keeps happening now and then, making Eddie question his sanity. This morning he can swear his nose was bleeding so profusely he should have passed out. It was so insanely out of nowhere he didn't even think of calling Buck. And then it stops like it was never there.

That's strange. Maybe he really needs to see a doctor. Shrink apparently because.. there's nothing wrong physically. There's no blood on his face or in the sink whatsoever.

He shivers a little when hears the knock on the door.

‘Hate to bring it up but Eddie, do you remember you still have a roommate? And only one bathroom? I kinda need to brush my teeth also’

‘Sorry’

He puts his head under the faucet and turns on the cold water. It helps enough for him to go outside not looking like an ICU patient.

When he comes out Buck heavily looks at him 

‘Everything is fine?’

Yes, thinks Eddie. Or no. That's hella hard question. But Buck is his best friend. He should know otherwise his overthinking is going to kill him.

‘I'm not sure. Maybe I'm going crazy? Or just having the worst case of flu…’

Eddie chokes on his own words when Buck's hand casually lands on his forehead.

‘Well…’

Eddie smiles 

‘So, am I going to live, doctor?’

Buck's hand is still lying on his forehead and Buck's face changes a little 

‘I… well, apparently it's not a flu - you don't even have a slight fever…’

Eddie giggles 

‘Fantastic. So I'm going crazy. Nice to know, thanks’

Buck, apparently, just forgot his hand still is on Eddie's forehead. Not that Eddie has something against it though.

‘Erm… listen, there's no shift today, right? I can drive you to the hospital to have a check up’

For some reason Eddie can't even understand and definitely can't explain, idea of hospital makes him shiver

‘No. I…’

He blinks 

White ceiling. Sound of multiple IVs. Monitors beeping. And this strange feeling in his throat… like he's intubated. He's definitely going insane! Because he feels that intubation tube and coughs vigorously. But it just can't be true.

‘Eddie!’

He blinks again. Okay, at least Buck's hand is not on his forehead anymore. That's good. Buck is holding him and that's bad

‘I'm.. fine. I'm definitely going insane so you're right. I need to have a check up’

‘You do. Because you scared me! I thought… you can…Okay, let me… I actually have a date today I need to cancel.’

Eddie silently exhales and recoils 

‘Don't. It's fine. I think I'm capable to get to the hospital by myself so don't worry’

‘Are you sure? I don't want you to get into accident’

‘I’ll be fine. Thanks, Evan’

Buck smiles a little 

‘Fine. But call me if you need me’

I need you already, thinks Eddie. It doesn't matter much.

***

Every time the needle touches his skin Eddie shivers and looks away. He's not afraid of blood by any means, he's a paramedic after all. It just… reminds him of his hallucinations or whatever he has lately.

‘So… nothing is wrong with me?’

Not that he's surprised, no. It's quite the opposite. He hoped it's something wrong with him. 

‘Well, from your test results… a little anemic maybe - lower norm borderline - but in general you're perfectly healthy, you could go to space if you want’

‘I really don't. Thanks, doc’

‘You look disarmingly disappointed for a man who gets good news’

He's not. Because it means he is crazy. And it's definitely not good news. Anyway. At least he can…

His phone starts to ring the moment Eddie leaves the hospital. And it's Buck 

‘What did they say?!’

Eddie smiles 

‘Hello to you, Buck. They say I'm too good for this planet’

‘What?!’

How could he forget it every time? Buck's sense of humour just disappears when he's nervous. So he is nervous. That's flattering for some reason.

‘Sorry. I'm perfectly fine. Can ride the crew dragon tomorrow…which means I'm most probably insane. So I'm on my way to Frank’

‘Do you want my company?’

Eddie has to hold his smile with his teeth.

‘No, thanks. And I suppose you're busy’

‘Why?’

‘Buck, you have a date. You should be at the table with some nice guy eating your ridiculously fancy and expensive salad and laughing at his not so funny jokes - and I quoted that from your previous experience’ 

There's a big pause on the line 

‘Well… he is nice and funny. And I'm not having salad!’

‘Nice to know. Go back to your date, it's getting rude. We talk at home’

He ends the call and exhales loudly. Buck is too invested sometimes. Not into something that really matters. 

It starts again when he turns on the engine to go to Frank. And hell that's bad.

The light in the room is too bright. The smell is too sterile. Everything here is too excessive. But voices are muffled and all the medical equipment is silenced. That's the first he catches. And he's surprised he catches it. He's surprised he's even awake. Somehow he didn't plan to wake up. Somehow he knows he shouldn't be alive. And still - he is. And everything hurts. And he can't fully recall how he ended up here.

And the only thing he knows for sure is the name. The name isn't his.

‘Evan…’

Eddie slowly blinks and frowns. He squeezed the steering wheel so strongly his knuckles were white. Thanks every possible God he doesn't believe in, he wasn't driving at the moment 

He should find out what is wrong with him before he kills someone! Or literally dies - it's hard to fix his breath right now and his throat is sore and aching.

And this undertaste of copper is so annoying even if he's not insane yet he's coming there on the full speed.

***

Frank smiles a little 

‘Well. On the bright side, Mr.Diaz, you're not insane…’

Eddie lours. That sounds too good to be true. Because he has a doctor's note he's physically fine. And if he's not insane either…what the hell is wrong with him?!

‘But? I can hear there is a but.’

‘But I'm afraid your panic attacks are back. So we need to correct your therapy and…’

Eddie slowly shakes his head 

‘It doesn't feel like it. It doesn't feel like… I mean…’

Frank writes something down his tablet 

‘Panic attacks are tricky. They could have so many shapes and forms you'll be surprised. And still, you sound like you prefer schizophrenia manifestation. Believe me, that's much worse’

‘I know!’

Eddie clenches his fists. He really knows it. It's just hard to believe panic attacks are so heavy. On the other hand, his first one felt just like a heart attack… okay. He proceeds trying to sound calmer 

‘I know. It's just so real. I mean.. I can taste my own blood at the time!’

Frank nods

‘Your imagination is quite alive, I'll give you that. But still. Just panic attacks. Sorry if you were hoping for some ‘real’ diagnosis but allow me to remind you, it's still very much real. I'm mostly interested in causes though. If there were some issues at work?’

‘No’

‘Home then?’

Eddie takes a breath 

‘Also no. Chris is fine, he's going for valedictorian and I'm also surprised they have it in middle school, so he's mostly in learning. And Buck…’

Frank smirks 

‘Are you still living together?’

‘His apartment hunting doesn't go very well. So yes’

‘You need a place for yourself, Mr.Diaz. As I can hear you don't have one. How do you expect your brain to rest if you don't give it a choice, it's always in the panic room.’

Eddie thinks it's not an issue. Eddie thinks it sounds like searching for the comfort zone and he definitely doesn't have one. And doesn't need one. Eddie thinks the best place he could imagine for himself is next to Buck. So getting rid of Buck is not an option for now. Buck is ready to move out anyway and it itself is a huge pain. And actually it could be the reason… no, he's not so desperate. And it still doesn't feel like panic attacks!

Chapter Text

‘So… panic attacks. You've been there before, right?’

Buck waves his chopsticks and looks calm enough.

‘Yeah, right’

Eddie nods. 

‘And… Why? I mean.. it should have some reason, right?’

Eddie shrugs and takes another bite of his chicken. 

‘Absolutely no idea. I mean… no clue’

Buck takes his cup

‘But what did Frank say?’

‘He said it could not have any obvious reasons. It's just there’

He also said it could be because Buck is still living here but it's definitely not it. Moreover, that could be the only thread Eddie still holds onto.

‘At least I'm not insane. That's promising.’

Buck smiles 

‘I didn't have a single doubt. So yes. And..’

‘No. Enough about it. Tell me about your date! I hope he's at least sweet and can remember your name. I mean, after Tommy Kinnard my expectations of your love interest are kinda low…’

‘Hey!’

Buck throws a bun at him but Eddie catches it with a smile.

‘What? I'm right!’

‘You're right but… anyway. He's nice. And he uses my proper name now.’

Eddie laughs 

‘That's a win. And?.. No, stop. Now?’

Eddie's smile vanishes

‘So… your date is still… he broke your heart!’

‘We fixed it!’

‘With what, super glue?!’

Tommy fucking Kinnard… again! Eddie thinks he should have known that earlier. Hell, he's egoistic. He thought he had gone mad but it's Buck who's definitely insane. Tommy Kinnard! This… okay 

‘Okay. Can you please remind me why you two broke up before?’

Buck looks somewhere above Eddie's head 

‘You. He was jealous of you. But I reassured him it's not an issue. That's actually pretty funny, did you know he - and my sister - thought I'm in love with you?’

Eddie definitely didn't know that. He didn't want to know that either.

‘But you're not’

‘Of course I'm not. We're friends! Right? I'm not in love with you, you're not in love with me. That's kinda obvious’

Eddie slowly nods trying not to laugh too loudly.

‘Of course. Cause you're in my will and my house and… I came back from Texas to you’

‘Exactly!’

Buck doesn't see any flaws in that logic and for some reason Eddie feels appreciated. He can't explain it. He can't even explain why he lied about Frank’s words. 

He just looks at Buck. Very carefully. His last thread, right? It's getting thinner.

Anyway. Buck is still here. So… Eddie still has something to hold on.

It's definitely not panic attacks though cause otherwise he'd have one right now.

***

The copper taste returns on another call. And Eddie tries to ignore it as long as he can. And he quite succeeds - in his own opinion - when he starts to cough again. And it's bad. It's worse than last time. Luckily though they almost finished the routine and he can take some time and he obviously takes it. He hides behind the engine and spends like several minutes inhaling in-between coughing. 

It doesn't help. He feels dizzy from lack of oxygen and coughing doesn't stop getting more and more choking. Eddie blinks. He just feels so sick and nauseous it literally makes him bend down. And then.. he looks at the little pond of dark blood on the concrete with disbelief. It just can't be happening because it has no explanation whatsoever. 

He has all medical documents saying he's perfectly healthy. He has Frank's note that he's not insane.

But that is definitely not a panic attack. No, it's something… he has no idea to be fair. It feels like he's dying from the disease and… it somehow feels like he's been there before. He just can't remember it. It's highly unlikely he could forget this type of adventure though. 

The second wave of coughing is even worse and he thought it couldn't be worse. Eddie slides down the engine and slowly blinks. Is that a tear on his face? So he coughs so hard… he tries to wipe it and now he has blood on his fingers. Not a tear, noted.

It would be fun… it is fun. It's definitely not a panic attack. It's too much for any panic attack. It's too real for a panic attack. 

‘Diaz, where are you?!’

Bobby's voice pierced through his consciousness right in time. He was on the edge of fainting not even knowing it until this specific second. Bobby calls him again and coughing stops immediately. Like it was never there. Eddie stands up and looks around.

Coughing is stopped. But a little pond of dark blood - too dark - is still there proving there's something very much wrong with him. He blinks again. And turns away. 

‘I'm coming’

He comes around the engine with a smile 

‘Diaz. What's with the coughing?’

Eddie's blood leaves his face. He totally forgot his radio was turned on

‘I'm not sure… maybe there's something in that building we've been in that my lungs just don't appreciate?’

‘Very funny. I need you to have a medical checkup cause it sounds bad’

‘I have done it three days ago. I'm perfectly healthy…’

Bobby looks at him very closely.

‘I hope you don't lie to me. Because you look like a dead man.’

Eddie smiles and wipes his face again trying to get over it. It doesn't help. 

‘Too much coughing, that's fine.’

Bobby still looks at him and for the split second Eddie sees him through the glass. With a rosary in his hands. It looks so real Eddie can recall Bobby’s words.

He blinks and the vision is gone.

Bobby exhales 

‘Diaz. Why do I feel you're hiding something?’ 

That sounds so familiar Eddie frowns. Then smiles 

‘I'm not. Really. I’m working on that, I just have no idea what ’that’ is.’

When they go back to the engine Eddie looks around. His blood on the concrete…is gone. 

***

So he needs a new plan. Maybe if he ignores these episodes they would go away? It doesn't sound logical but calling it panic attacks doesn't sound logical either and still here he is. 

‘Dad, do you know Buck is planning to move out?’

Eddie turns to Chris so fast he feels dizzy 

‘What?’

Chris chews his donut and proceeds with full mouth of pastry 

‘I mean… he said it's strange he's living here…’

Chris finishes his donut and looks at his father with a lot of concerns 

‘Is it though? I thought he liked living with us…’

Eddie slowly nods

‘He did. But you know he tries to fix his life and apparently he wants to feel more…independent? I'm not sure. We can ask. But Chris. We have absolutely no right to ask him to stay, you know that? He's a grown man. If he wants to move out…’

If it is a panic attack…he's panicking now. Yet there's nothing.

Chris scoffs 

‘Did you two have an argument? Cause I need to know why Buck doesn't love me anymore!’

‘He loves you’

That's not a question for Eddie.. that was not a question for Eddie before. He's not sure about now. He has lived for several years now subconsciously thinking Chris is their son. But it could be the other way around for Buck. It could be ‘his best friend’s son’. He's getting paranoid apparently. 

‘He loves you, Chris. It won't change even if he moves out’

At least he can sound convincing. He hopes so

‘But… you know what? Let's cook something. We have to be prepared to live without his cooking!’

Without his cooking. His voice. His stuff in their shelves…without him. Eddie feels a hint of pain in his chest and smiles. They lived without Buck before. For so fucking long it couldn't be an issue to go back even if it feels like an issue. Like the end of everything.

He should talk to Buck though.

***

It takes a week to finally get a chance for proper discussion. And it takes place at work, in the bunk room. And Eddie thinks it's right because he can't make himself have this conversation at home that Buck wants to leave.

‘So .. you're moving out?’

Buck doesn't answer at first but mumbles something inaudible.

‘Buck! Why did I know that from Chris?’

Buck is still mumbling but at least it starts to sound like something affirmative.

‘Evan…’

Eddie laughs. 

‘Why?’

Buck finally exhales 

‘I didn't want to hurt you I think and I can hear how stupid it sounds now’

‘Hurt me? You can't possibly hurt me. But you did hurt Chris.’

‘How… how!?’

Eddie stands up and gets up the ladder to Buck's bed, looking at him with a crooked smile

‘He thinks you don't love him anymore’

‘What?! No!’ 

Buck jumps off the bed so nervously he almost falls down. Luckily Eddie managed to catch him. 

‘I do love him! It's… it's not the reason! I mean.. I've talked with Frank…’

Oh fuck. Eddie's smile gets a little sad

‘And…’

‘And he said I need to move on. Just like you told me!’

‘It was… a long time ago, Buck. Anyway. You don't have to do it if you don't want it’

‘I kinda do. I mean… Tommy is not a fan of our living arrangement and also.. I got a hint I could be the reason for your panic attack that you somehow didn't mention.’

Eddie exhales and goes down the ladder 

‘Because you're not. Okay. When.’

He misses the question intonation but it doesn't matter. Buck goes down after him and stretches 

‘I think next week. I have two consecutive days off and Chris will be on the school trip’

Eddie nods. And looks at him. At some point, just for a moment, he sees Buck's face… from somewhere else. Panicking, covered in tears. He even hears his ‘It's the worst joke ever’. It is…

It's not a panic attack. Cause he's panicking now. It doesn't matter much. 

Eddie smiles 

‘Okay. I'll help you pack then’

The thread is so thin now it's like a hair… and yet - no panic attack whatsoever.

***

Maybe Frank was right. Maybe it was a panic attack all along. Maybe it ends just because there's nothing to be afraid of anymore. 

‘I’ll be moving tomorrow. Tommy is coming to help so if you're not okay with it..’

‘I'm not okay with him in my house. But he's your boyfriend - which I am also not ok with but who cares - so I'll live with it. And we packed everything’

Buck takes a sip from the guest cup - his own is in one of the boxes 

‘Are you okay with me moving out at all?’

Eddie laughs so loudly he spills some coffee from the pot

‘Don't you think it's a little late for that question? I'm… fine with it. It's time for you to live your life. Not mine.’

He's still mad about Chris, of course but he won't be raising that ever again. It's Buck's decision and Buck's problem and… really. No ‘episodes’ in a week. That's a win! 

‘I … I can hear you're mad!’

Eddie nods

‘I am. Because you hurt Chris. You need to fix it… I mean… okay, nevermind. You can fix it’

And he didn't want to raise it like a minute ago? Brilliant. 

‘I’ll fix it. I love Chris!’

‘I hope so. Because he loves you. As much as I do’

It just slips out and Eddie should say something immediately to cover it… but he doesn't say anything else. And Buck chokes on his coffee and coughs for a minute looking at Eddie with pure horror 

‘What?!’

Eddie just shrugs and smiles. It was a secret. It's not now. He doesn't think it would be so good to say, he lived with that for so long, he can't even remember when it started. So it's only logical it should have been said. 

‘Is it… a joke?’

Buck still drills him with a stare 

‘I don't know, Evan. Is it?’

Buck waits for something else. For a couple of minutes he waits. Then stands up, puts his cup to the sink and goes away saying nothing.

Only then Eddie drops his head to his hands and starts laughing. What the actual hell he was thinking of saying that so easily? The answer is easy - he wasn't. He wasn't thinking at all. It just came out. 

He laughs and laughs until the main door is clicking open and then shutting close. He still laughs until laughter changes to coughing. 

Only then he stops.

Apparently, he cut the thread himself. 

Like he had any options.

Chapter Text

Buck doesn't return home in the evening. He doesn't even call. That's fine, thinks Eddie. That's… expected. He wasn't ready. He didn't want it. He has his own life. 

Eddie himself proceeds to pack Buck's boxes. One by one. Surprisingly Buck's stuff is everywhere. Absolutely everywhere, even in Eddie's nightstand there's Buck's t-shirt.

It feels… actually Eddie just doesn't feel it. Doesn't feel anything. He should have said it - he said it. Buck just needs to understand it doesn't matter much. And doesn't change anything. If Buck understands it? He's not a complete idiot in the end.

Copper taste returns when Eddie drinks coffee before going to bed. And this time he feels a lot.

Copper taste. Tube in his throat that blocks his airways. Shiver.

He shivers so much he drops his cup and it breaks with an awful noise he can't hear. He hears voices instead. Voices and monitors beeping 

‘We can't lose him, it's the only source of the virus’

It feels like he's dying…again. Like.. he felt it before.

Oh it would be so unfortunate to die here now before Buck moves out. 

It would be awful. Buck returns for his stuff. With Tommy fucking Kinnard. And finds his apparently not-so-good friend Eddie dead in the kitchen. It would be hilarious

Eddie laughs. He can't take a breath feeling the intubation tube in his throat but he laughs.

He laughs looking at his ceiling slowly changing to extremely white and cold colour. He laughs sensing someone not from here starts CPR on him. He hears that specific counting and pushing noise. What he doesn't hear - the sound of the door opening and steps in the hallway. 

It hurts like hell. It hurts like…

He felt that already. He should have died then. In the lab. He remembers the lab!

Lights are getting brighter blinding him and he exhales the only name that keeps him alive

‘Evan…'

‘Eddie?!’

And it all goes dark.

***

‘Eddie!’

He slowly blinks. He's… not where he should be. Is he dead? Is it hell? His parents would not be surprised by that. He's also not surprised by that. 

And he broke his favourite cup. That's a bummer. 

He starts to stand up but someone holds him. Buck. Buck's back. 

He also should not be here

‘What…’

The taste of copper is still with him. 

‘I hoped you could tell me?! Don't.. don't stand up. I called 911, they should be here in four minutes according to Josh’

‘I.. I don't need 911 here…’

He slowly blinks again. Yes. He definitely doesn't need them here. Because he himself shouldn't be here. 

‘Evan…do you remember… in April… we were on the lab call. With CCHF virus leaked’

Buck's face frowns 

‘Yes. It was a disaster. Chim could die! Luckily me and Athena got the antidote. Actually we get back with Tommy after that’

Eddie smiles. Interesting.

‘So, only Chimney got infected?’

It doesn't seem right. But it does seem fair. 

‘Well, yes. Why do you… listen, I'm pretty sure all the test you did in the hospital would have shown if you have it’

If he has it here… but he doesn't. He doesn't have anything here. Is it something like Buck's coma dream? But why?

He should have died there. On the floor of the lab. Locked behind the glass wall. He remembers it vividly now. He should have remembered it sooner, this copper taste is hard to confuse with anything else. 

And then… all of that. Well, at least now he's pretty sure it's not panic attacks by any means. 

He shivers again. 

And Buck's voice gets muffled and overlaid by short commands for the defibrillator.

‘Eddie! Don't sleep! What's going on with you?’

And Eddie laughs again. Nothing. Nothing is going on. Apparently he's dying. Somewhere. He feels his heart being electrocuted.

And his sick brain sends him here. To sweeten the pill. And it fails because…

Because Buck is moving out tomorrow. 

If he dies there - would he die here? Or he would be stuck here forever? 

‘Eddie, please. Look at me’

He knows Buck's face to every inch. Every small freckle. That's why he's so detailed, right?

Eddie didn't exist in Buck's coma dream. Because he's not so important… he's not. 

Lamps are too bright and voices are too steady 

‘Three hundred. Clear’

There's sobbing in the background. Somewhere. Somewhere in Eddie's brain where he lies on the floor of his own kitchen and Buck is waiting for 911 to arrive. And he's sobbing.

Eddie smiles 

‘Hell, it was…a death bed confession…in the end’.

***

Everything hurts. Literally everything. Even the parts of his body he has forgotten he has. Heart, for example.

Eddie opens his eyes. The ceiling is bright white. Like in the hospital. Is he in the hospital? His memory tricks him at this point. 

Buck called 911… Buck was devastated and crying. Buck was moving out. And Buck wasn't real.

He wasn't real.

Eddie frowns and slowly blinks. Tries to inhale… There's an intubation tube. Amazing. That's why it's so hard to breathe. That's why he's so dizzy. If he passes out where he would wake up? Here, on the hospital bed hell knows where… or there. With Buck. With Buck who doesn't love him. With Buck that doesn't exist.

No Buck loves him. But one of them is at least real. Should be. Now it looks like Eddie won't be seeing him anytime soon. 

His vision gets blurry but he catches several white coats with full biological hazard masks coming closer.

So that's a reality. He hates it already. Maybe it'd be better if he dies there on the floor. In his own brain.

It was hell, of course but it was predictable hell. Now it's… complicated.

With all of this medical stuff around him, tubes, monitors, IVs. And these white coats with muffled voices Eddie can discern but not understand. 

He hates needles. He hates being here. He hates not knowing anything.

Still - on the very edge of hearing, somewhere from his unconsciousness - he hears Buck's voice. Buck, perfectly - too perfectly maybe - constructed by his own brain just for him. Buck that doesn't exist. 

He would be answering his imaginary friend right now cause he's that desperate but luckily enough he has a tube in his throat. Luckily enough white coats are here to sedate him. Because he can't talk or scream but he's shaking violently and his face is covered with angry tears.

He can't cry over imaginary hell. He has his real one.

***

When he wakes up again there's no tube inside his throat. That's promising. 

There's still too much light around and everything is too white - apart from his pillow, covered in blood stains. 

He has to get away from here one way or another. It would be great to make it out alive. To his son. His friends. His… Evan. But he takes the second best option. With imaginary hell he can at least see Buck and Chris and his team… his team.

How could he be here alone? How could no one even visit?

He definitely misses something. Some crucial details. Maybe he has to be isolated but it's hard to believe that Bobby doesn't stand behind the glass window with his rosary or Buck doesn't write on a big paper short messages from Chris or…

But there's no one. It's bright white and quiet apart from monitors beeping and IVs dripping. It could drive him insane. Maybe it drove him insane already. Maybe it's another picture his brain gives him before his heart stops beating.

But according to the monitor his heartbeat is fine. Well, not perfect, of course. But manageable. 

He silently exhales and blinks. Monitors start to beep loudly and he blinks again. It takes…some time.

***

He wakes up from the voices around him. Surprisingly it's quite audible and not muffled.

‘Object three-seventeen remains stable. I thought we lost it’

‘It’. What's ‘it’? He's ‘it’? He's an object? He has a number instead of a name? That's new. He likes his name. Well, he likes the sound of his name from some people. And this number is absolutely amazing, apparently, he would be killed not by disease or medical things, no, the irony, that's what kills him.

Eddie doesn't open his eyes. He lies quietly and listens but there's nothing else said, only noises of medical vials and puffing sound of syringes going into IVs. Apparently that's something sedative because of the instant dizziness he feels.

His heart monitor siren goes off in fifteen minutes. 

***

‘Who’s Evan?’

He hears the question. He just doesn't want to answer. He doesn't want to answer any questions. But then the question is repeated. And again. And again. The voice is drilling through Eddie's head and it was hurting before so it isn't helping.

Finally he manages to open his eyes a little. And immediately squints from the bright white light.

‘Why…’

‘You called him before your heart stopped’

So his heart stopped. And he thought his numbers were manageable. He definitely lost his focus. 

‘... friend of…mine’

Hell it's hard. And everything is so blurry and… And… he looks around - as much as he can so not so much around. The light is so bright, the face of the white coat is almost invisible - he has a mask and goggles. If he thinks Eddie is contagious? If he really is? Maybe he needs to catch this coat guy and kiss him with this deadly disease that fails to kill him several times in a row?!.. well. He can't even raise his hand. But the plan is fun. And especially fun would have been kissing that guy before he kissed the one he really wanted to kiss… he still wants it but there's no way he'll get a chance now. 

Who's Evan, really. You won't get it. Eddie himself can't get it fully. Everything. 

Even if he doesn't exist. That's funny. He confessed in his own sick dream - and he was rejected. It's no surprise reality hates him, he himself hates him. 

‘Do you know what day it is today?’

Eddie huskily chuckles. He doesn't. He doesn't have a calendar around. He doesn't even have a watch.

‘No idea. You'll be surprised my inner clock is broken and not that I can feel the earth spinning to get the current date. I believe it's… ‘

They got to that lab in the middle of April. So… may? Maybe June?

‘Wild guess. Tenth of June’

The white coat giggles 

‘The second of August. Your death certificate was signed off somewhere in may, I believe… so I'll give you that. You were unconscious most of the time’

Second of… oh hell his son lives without him for more than three months already?! More than a quarter of the year!

He spent more than a quarter of the year in the sick dream while Chris thought he's an orphan now. 

He isn't. Buck would never leave him. It doesn't matter if he loves Eddie or he doesn't, it doesn't even matter if he exists. Buck would never leave Chris alone.

So he's not alone. But… Eddie left him again. 

He's definitely not the father of the year.

But that explains a lot. Mostly everything. Why he is alone here. It's not them who left him. It's him. He left everyone he cares about. And he didn't die. It's still too ironic for his taste.

Eddie feels dizzy again. He needs to get out of it.

He'll die anyway but it's better to die trying

Chapter Text

Buck pushes the speed dial. Waits for a minute 

‘Hi. You've called Diaz. Please don't leave a message I'm not calling back anyway.’

It was funny before. Buck thought it's hilarious.

Now it's not. Because Eddie's not calling back. He can't.

Buck just keeps dialing his number now and then because it's the only place he can listen to Eddie's voice. Hell he's afraid to forget it.

He calls again 

‘Hi. You've called Diaz. Please don't leave a message I'm not calling back anyway.’

…

‘Hi. You've called Diaz. Please don't leave a message I'm not calling back anyway.’

…

‘Hi. You've called Diaz. Please don't leave a message I'm not calling back anyway.’

Maybe he waits for something else. Maybe he hopes for something else. It's funny, Eddie's phone lies in the kitchen drawer. 

And soulless machine keeps saying 

‘Hi. You've called Diaz. Please don't leave a message I'm not calling back anyway.’

At some point Buck thinks he needs to leave a message anyway.

‘Hi. You've called Diaz. Please don't leave a message I'm not calling back anyway.’

His face is covered in tears and yet it doesn't change a thing.

So he just closes his eyes and listens to the words he knows and hates. He doesn't care about the words.

He listens to the voice only. 

‘Hi. You've called Diaz. Please don't leave a message I'm not calling back anyway.’

He proceeds calling until his phone dies.

***

‘We have to empty Eddie's locker, Buck.’ 

Bobby looks at him and Buck doesn't clearly understand why. Why is he looking at him like that? He knows Eddie's locker should be emptied. They don't have enough lockers. 

‘Okay. I can do that’

‘No, I just need you to be aware, I'll do it myself ‘

That's not right, thinks Buck. Definitely not right.

‘Why? Don't you trust me? I can prepare a checklist, his locker would be the cleanest and emptiest in the whole station!’

Buck said that and chuckles. And it won't be his locker anymore.

Bobby looks at him with a long sight.

‘Fine. But I'll help. I need to collect station property if he somehow hid some’

That's not the reason. But that's the reason for Buck.

They get a chance to do that in the evening. Bobby searches for the master key and Buck smiles 

‘I have mine.’

‘Do you have a master key, Buck?’

Buck's smile fades 

‘No. I mean… I have a key to Eddie's locker. Just in case I need something’

There's a pause. Chim, who came to help, smirks

‘In his locker?.. did he know that?’

‘He gave it to me… i usually forget the house keys or something’

That sounds… It makes sense.

Bobby nods

‘Fine. Open it’

Hen comes by and stands next to Chim. Then comes Ravi. Why are all of them here? Buck doesn't like it. It should be personal. It's Eddie's locker, so there could be his personal stuff.

Buck more or less knows what personal stuff there is. Spare clothes, things Eddie didn't know where to put. Snacks. Some pictures of Chris. Not that it sounds personal of course…

Buck opens the locker and freezes. It smells… it smells Eddie. So strongly it's breathtaking. 

‘Buck?’

I can't, thinks Buck. I just can't. It's not… it's..

‘Buck?..’

Buck takes out a t-shirt from the locker. And smiles. It's his own t-shirt. He thought he lost it. Apparently, Eddie took it. He sniffs the fabric. Yes. Eddie took it and wore it and now it smells of his cologne and him in general and it feels like Buck won't be washing it ever again.

His smile gets warmer and he sniffs the t-shirt again when Hen puts her hand on his shoulder

‘Buck, we .. We can do it later. We can do it without you, if it works for you…’

Why does she sound so compassionate? He's fine. It's his friend’s stuff. It's his friend's t-shirt he can't stop sniffing like a dog.

He sees wet marks on the fabric and only then gets he's crying. He didn't know that.

‘Oh, that's a nice photo! Who took it?’

Ravi tries his best to light the mood. It doesn't work.

Bobby looks closer. It was Maddie, he remembers that day. Jee Yun's birthday. 

There's Chris hugging Jee Yun - both are looking at the camera. Buck's looking at them… and Eddie. He's looking straight at Buck with so much in his eyes you have to be blind to miss it.

‘Strange picture. Why is Eddie looking at me like that? Did I have something on my face at that time?’

You have to be blind or you have to be Buck. Bobby inhales. He hates telling lies. Surprisingly, he doesn't have to, Chim reacts faster

‘Yes. You don't remember? Your face was covered in cake and finger paints Karen gave to Jee. I think Eddie was checking you not to make Chris’s new shirt dirty. He failed by the way’

Chim grins. 

‘Buck, can I take this photo? For Jee. She looks so happy here and I want to have something for her to… you know…remember’

Bobby silently exhales. He should talk to Chim. Later. Because he's so appreciated right now it's hard to articulate. On the other hand… why did he do that?

Buck slightly nods and subconsciously sniffs the t-shirt again.

Maybe that's why. Because Buck smiles but tears won't stop running down his face and he keeps smelling Eddie's t-shirt.

They keep looking into the locker. Spare keys, some towels, general stuff. Buck's favourite snacks. Buck takes out everything carefully and packs it into the box. Silently. No one says a word. Even Ravi waits for the locker to be empty and closed before saying 

‘Is it strange that I still miss him? I mean it's been some time and we weren't close like… ‘

He looks at Buck and stops.

Buck just stands there, shivering and holding the t-shirt close to him.

‘Nevermind.’

Hen inhales

‘It's not strange, Ravi. Every person has their own way to cope with grief. Let's go and have some coffee, okay? Buck, come on’

He nods. Not that he heard what she said. But he follows her. Chim is right after them. 

‘You know, Diaz… you shouldn't have to do that. You should have guessed you would break him.’

Bobby looks at the label on the locker before taking it off. Hides it in his pocket. 

He shouldn't be mad at Eddie and he tries his best but some days - like today - it's just impossible to not be because what the actual hell he has to lose his family again.

On the other hand… Bobby spends an enormous amount of time thinking what could have been changed if Diaz said something.

Nothing. But in that case Bobby would have so much guilt it could kill him. 

And Eddie still would have been dead. 

***

‘Bobby, it's three in the morning. Care to sleep?

‘We cleaned Diaz's locker yesterday… and I keep thinking. I made a mistake. But I can't… Athena. I can't see any other options. I am so mad at him for not telling me earlier but what would it change?’

Athena exhales and gets up on her hand looking at him

‘It would have been your decision. Your responsibility. Would it have been better?’

Bobby keeps silent for a second 

‘I would have chosen Chimney. I tried to see the other way around and there's none. I'm not a good man’

‘You are a man. And I understand your choice. Chimney had a pregnant wife and a toddler. And he's your friend. And he was dying!’

‘And Diaz died. Still. That's so wrong but… at some point I'm grateful for his decision. Chim hates him for his decision. And Buck…’

Bobby turns away and looks at the wall 

‘And Buck tries to convince himself that he lost his best friend.’

She smirks

‘But he did lose his best friend’

Bobby exhales 

‘Yes. But…I'm afraid he gets it at some point. He gets who he has really lost. And then - I lose him’

Athena falls down the bed and watches the ceiling waiting for an answer to run over it. There's none 

‘He didn't get it for years…’

‘He sniffed Eddie's t-shirt like a dog. And can't stop doing it till the end of the shift. I won't be surprised he puts it as a pillowcase’

Athena keeps staring at the ceiling 

‘If he gets there - he gets there. The only thing we can do - not pushing him there. And… did Eddie say something.. before?’

Pause 

‘I can't tell. The seal of confession.’

‘Didn’t know he was a catholic.’

‘He…wasn't. He just needed to talk. You don't know his parents…’

Athena chuckles a little and moves closer to her husband 

‘I know enough. Did you know Chim hits Eddie's father in the face? Right on the ceremony.’

‘I didn't. But I can't blame him. I was close to do that several times’

He laughs but his laughter is sad and tired

‘Let's sleep, Bobby. We'll manage it’

Bobby nods and turns around.

Down there, in the drawer, there's a picture of a funny heart made by Buck. And Eddie's name tag.

Bobby knows it and this knowledge helps him just a little.

***

Buck looks at the ceiling for an hour trying - really trying - to calm himself. He has the worst dream ever and… it wasn't a nightmare. It was just a fucking strange dream he can't get over.

There wasn't anything terrible in particular, moreover it could have been quite a nice domestic dream.

If it weren't about Eddie. Eddie just being alive. Eddie living here in his house. Eddie preparing dinner - actually Eddie wasn't so bad at cooking, he just hated it cause it was too time consuming. Eddie smiling at him. Just… Eddie. 

Maybe Eddie's t-shirt is the reason. Maybe he shouldn't sleep with it. Maybe he should get rid of it.

Maybe he should stop dialing Eddie's number to hear his voice. It's not the best lullaby whatsoever.

But he isn't ready just yet. Tomorrow. Or in a week. Or in a month.

When it won't hurt so much.

Bobby made them talk to Frank but it isn't about therapy. He doesn't need therapy, hell. He needs his best friend. 

Buck exhales. It isn't that bad. Well. It wouldn't be that bad. Yes, he misses his best friend. Yes, it's a little unfair that Buck can see him only in his own dreams or in pictures in his gallery.

That's not the main issue now. 

The main issue is…

He kissed Eddie in that dream. And his body still feels it. Every part of it. 

So his subconscious made him watch himself kissing his best friend. And love it.

He woke up in tears not only because he misses Eddie. But that.

That's not fine. He has never wanted to kiss his straight best friend. It would have ruined their friendship on the spot. And that's not the reason he has never… It's just not it. It's Eddie. He's not in love with Eddie! He has never been!

He's just grieving too much. That's the issue. Definitely. It drives him insane and he needs to stop. Baby steps, of course. Stop calling his number. That's easy, he can block it. 

Get rid of the t-shirt…

Buck subconsciously holds it closer to himself. Okay,it could cause some problems. He can't just throw it away. But he can put it into the box. As he did with everything Eddie's.

He shouldn't forget his best friend. He should start living his own life. Now.

He sniffs the t-shirt again and holds his breath.

It's going to be so fucking hard.

***

‘Hello, Maddie’

He calls his sister too rarely lately. That's another thing he should fix. And… he took his phone already but he can't dial Eddie’s number so he calls her. Just to call someone. Just to hear the voice of the living.

‘Buck. Nice to hear you. Chris told me you acted strange lately so it supposedly explains your call but I'll give you a chance to explain it yourself’

He sadly chuckles.

‘If you remember… some time ago you asked. If I'm in love with Eddie…’

He hears her silent gasp. Like he said something she doesn't want to hear. Well, too bad cause he has to ask. So he proceeds 

‘Why did you ask it then?’

He asks this but Maddie knows for sure what he is actually asking. ‘Am I?’. And that question is much more tricky than it seems. 

Maddie doesn't answer at first. Then she starts and her words have nothing to do with what he expected to get

‘Yes, I remember of course. It was stupid question. I made a mistake then, sorry. It was quite a confusing situation, you should give me that. You lived in his house. Just like you did after Abby. But no, Buck. You were just friends. Very close, yes. But friends’

He listens to his sister subconsciously squeezing his phone. For some reason - he's not sure why…and he's not sure he wants to know why - he feels disappointed. That's strange. He shouldn't. He knew that. Obviously they are… they were friends. It's been four months and he can't make himself use the correct tense!

He nods. And he doesn't hear the small pauses she makes in-between sentences. The same pause showing she's not entirely honest. He just misses all of it and Maddie can't be grateful enough.

When Buck finally answers his voice sounds numb

‘Thanks. That's what I thought. How are kids? Chim? You're right, I should call you more often…’

‘Or just answer the phone at least once in a while. But don't worry. My nephew is an angel and he covers you. We talk with Chris every day….’

They talk for fifteen minutes about Maddie's family and plans and Chris's school that is just around the corner and everything. But it.. doesn't help with covering Buck's disappointment 

When the call is finally ended Maddie exhales so loudly Chim smirks

‘It was tough. Why did you lie to him?’

‘I… didn't.’

Chim tilts his head to his right shoulder with a very sceptical grin

‘Okay, maybe I wasn't fully honest. Chim, it would kill him. Why did you take that picture from Eddie's locker?’

Now it's Chimney's turn to exhale loudly 

‘Eddie's look. It's too… well. You caught me.’

She nods and hugs her husband 

‘We have to do that. Because we can't lose him too’

Chapter Text

‘Tell me about him’

Ravi sits next to Buck at lunch and looks straight at him. Buck frowns just a little in confusion 

‘Sorry?’

‘Tell me about Eddie. Listen. We worked together for several years and yet I know nothing apart from your stories.’

Buck smiles a little 

‘So maybe you need someone else's stories?’

Ravi scoffs and takes his fork

‘I tried. I have the same answer - ‘Go talk to Buck, they were best friends’. So here I am. I just want to… I mean…‘

Ravi tries to formulate his idea but it's not necessary. Buck gets it. He smiles wider 

‘Ravi. You don't have to miss him. You don't have to feel something you don't, you know it, right?’

Ravi points his fork at him

‘But I need to know more about a person I replaced’

That's tough 

‘You didn't… you didn't replace him.’

No one could replace him, thinks Buck. It's Eddie. 

‘I'm constantly called by his name. So.. I think I did. And I think I'm falling this assignment’

Buck closes his eyes for a second 

‘Okay. Okay. Ask’

‘Was he really so good? At work I mean.’

Pause 

‘He guided you through the hella difficult procedure supposedly suffering from the deadly disease. What do you think, Ravi?’

‘I think… I don't know. Maybe. Is it true he did cut his rope once?’

Buck slowly nods

‘Yes. He did a lot of questionable stuff to be fair. I hated him at first…’

Ravi chokes and keeps silent waiting. And it pays off

‘When he came. His first day. First of all he was handsome - I mean, even Hen said that and she's not a big men's girl, you know… But that's not the point! He looked confident and too friendly. Like… he looked proper. Little did I know he was a reckless idiot with no survival instinct or common sense.’

Buck doesn't notice it but Ravi does - Buck is mad and instead of finishing his lunch he just cuts his steak to little pieces all over again. And keeps talking.

‘I mean, he cut his rope, yes. And you should hear him talking with that guy! When we were hostages! He had absolutely no… okay. He has his survival instinct. For Chris. He's so afraid of leaving him alone…’

At some point Buck jumps back to the present tense. Ravi doesn't correct him.

‘He's so surely convinced he's invincible. And he managed to convince everyone the same. Invincible Diaz who doesn't need painkillers cause it's only a broken rib. Great Eddie who…’

Buck takes a breath and proceeds 

‘Great Eddie who thinks everyone is much worthy than himself! Fucking idiot with a self-destructive complex!’

‘Buck..’

This time Ravi stops him. Just because he sees tears slowly falling down Buck's plate. Buck takes another breath. Wipes his face and smiles

‘I'm sorry, Ravi. I told you I hated him at first… Apparently I still do’

That's the biggest lie Ravi has ever heard. But he doesn't comment.

***

Athena brings flowers. Buck lets it slide. But Hen also brings flowers. Even Ravi. He also brings flowers!

‘Guys, what the… why?’

Bobby puts another vase on the shelf 

‘That's a tradition. As I remember the day of the funeral there were no flowers here. So… We're fixing it.' 

‘It's been months. And it's his birthday. I'm not sure he'd appreciate it’

Buck looks around and shivers just a little. Now their house looks like a funeral home. And that's creepy!

Chris scoffs 

‘Buck, don't. Dad loved flowers. And that's literally a tradition’

Buck wants to argue but there's Peppa 

‘Evancito, cariño. Just go with it. White flowers and… Robert, as I can see, did his homework and brought marigolds!’

Bobby smiles just a little.

‘I sure did.’

So when Maddie comes - with Chim and also marigolds - Buck just quietly exhales. Fine. Fine. 

Apparently he looks still a little annoyed so Chris touches his elbow 

‘We'll take it to the grave later, don't worry, we don't need home smelling like a perfume shop.’

Chris is too smart. Even for a teenager. Even for a teenager who lost both of his parents.

The day goes just fine as it could be fine under the circumstances. The way to the cemetery and back just erases from Buck's memory but at least there's no flower’s smell anymore and home looks like home again. Not like a ceremony hall. 

There's a lot of talking and a lot of drinking that Buck misses in the beginning. 

They talk about Eddie and Chris and for some reason about Buck and then the theme just jumps from one point to another like a tennis ball. Until very late. Peppa took off, saying she has a lot to do. And she took Chris to visit so Buck won a night in an empty house. After all the guests are gone. 

But now they're not and for some reason Chim got surprisingly drunk… Buck also drank much more than usual but he doesn't feel it now.

And then… then Chim starts to talk.

‘Sometimes I think I should forgive him but I still can't’

That's, thinks Buck, is incredibly untimely. Forgive for what?

‘Please, be more specific’

‘That son of a bitch sacrificed himself to let me live and..’

‘Howie!’

‘Chim!’

Maddie, Hen and Bobby try to stop him simultaneously but it doesn't work. And Buck just… he just listens.

‘What?! I'm telling the truth here. He knew he'd die but he didn't tell anyone! He knew we had only one dose. And he let me have it! He didn't ask! He didn't leave me a chance to say something.’

‘Chim, stop.’

Bobby rubs his forehead with a very tired look.

‘But..’

‘Chim!’

Buck keeps looking at Chim feeling all he had drunk literally evaporates from his system 

‘What are you… what are you talking about?!’

He turns to Bobby 

‘What?!’

Athena opens her mouth but Bobby shakes his head 

‘Buck… let's go outside. ‘

He stands up and Buck subconsciously follows him. It's Bobby. Bobby knows…everything? He can fix it. He can fix Buck. Because now he needs to be fixed.

***

The silence in the room is so heavy it's strange people can keep sitting straight. 

Until Ravi doesn't speak 

‘Well. That explains why…’

And after - they talk all together interrupting each other. 

Then they stop - all at the same time.

‘Chim… what the literal hell?’

Maddie looks at her husband with horror 

Chim lowers his head 

‘I shouldn't have said that in front of Evan’

‘Buck. Call him Buck. So…’

He nods

‘I don't remember it clearly. But I remember his face. His coughing. Blood in his mask and trembling hands. And his breathing. I mean. I know for sure what he was into because I've been there. And yet… there was only one dose’

Athena exhales 

‘It's Diaz in the end. He wasn't a big fan of whining.’

‘It wouldn't have been whining, right?’

That's Ravi. Apparently his picture of the world is shaking now 

‘He lied! For…’

‘... For Chimney to be saved. Yes. He did. I mean it wouldn't hurt if he had asked.’

‘It would. Because…’

‘... Because then it would have been my decision.’

Bobby looks at Buck straight.

‘It's not.. that's not… he could have told me!’

‘How?’

‘I don't know! Bobby. That's… I still don't see your point’

Now Bobby looks right above Buck's head definitely avoiding his stare

‘It would have been my decision. One dose. Two victims. I'm not a god to decide who should live and who should die… And it should have been exactly that decision.’

He takes a pause 

‘But I would also choose Chim. So there would not be much of a difference but I would know I killed him’

‘And now… now he killed himself. Fantastic!’

Buck kicks a stone in front of him and exhales 

‘No. He just calculated correctly. And took the blame from me. I can't articulate my gratitude for that and… Buck?’

Buck laughs. Again 

‘I didn't know he was so…so bad at math!’

***

Bobby waits until Buck's laughter drowns in his lungs and asks

‘How are you holding up?’

‘I'm not. So you're telling me… Eddie knew. He knew he'd die. And… he decided - with his unbeatable but totally wrong logic - that Chimney’s life is more worth it.’

‘Maddie was pregnant if you remember. And Jee is a toddler..’

‘But Maddie is fine! And we would never leave her alone. I mean… Eddie left Chris alone!’

Bobby heavily inhales. And watches Buck's face changes. Then speaks 

‘He didn't. He left Chris with you. Because you're his family. When we came to Texas - Chris was waiting for you. He knew for sure you'd come, right?’

That hurts. Because Bobby is right. But it doesn't seem right 

‘But Chris is not my son…’

‘Isn’t he? You know everything about him. You care for him. You were next to him every time he needed it. Buck, I'm sorry to break it to you but he was your son since he ran away from Eddie's new girlfriend. He ran to you’.

Buck slightly nods

‘I suppose… still. I just can't get over that. Eddie knew. And… and…’

He starts to stutter 

‘And we let him die alone!’

‘It also was his decision, Buck. We just respected it’

Bobby did. Because it really was Eddie's decision. Not because he wanted to die alone, he most definitely didn't. He didn't want Buck to see it. He tried to protect him in the end. Not that he fully succeeded. Buck is broken anyway 

‘I shouldn't hate him for that, right? Even if he didn't want to spend his last moments with me… with us.’

Buck asks something that really bothers him, Bobby catches the intonation change. And sadly smiles 

‘You shouldn't. But you can. I mean… Buck, I also hate him for that. Because I was his captain and I failed him. Failed Chris. Failed Chim. And now I'm failing you. Because you're waiting for an answer I just don't have.’

The issue is - Bobby has this specific answer. He just can't give it to Buck. 

Maddie brings the teapot from the kitchen but her hands are so shaken Karen takes it from her 

‘I still… don't understand’

Ravi sounds very quiet as he's a little afraid to proceed with this terrifying discussion but he just can't stop himself. He is stopped anyway when Buck and Bobby come back.

They drink tea in silence. It's still very heavy silence but this time no one wants to break it.

Buck catches Bobby in the hallway. Looks right at him and his sight is sober and hurt.

‘He did called me. In the very end. He called me by my name. He took my name. Why, Bobby?’

And Bobby Nash has no answer for that

Chapter Text

Buck didn't find the strength to hide this t-shirt and now he has to pay for that. He's paying. 

He dreamt of Eddie. Again. And this time… there was much more kissing involved. He doesn't want to kiss his straight best friend! His dead straight best friend!

Eddie in his dream called him ‘Evan'. And it sounds so right. Just like it has to be. Buck misses it so much. He actually misses his name. 

And now Buck lies in his dead best friend's bed and his tears run down the pillow leaving the wet marks. And he himself just can't get over that dream.

Buck isn't in love with Eddie. They are best friends. Even if…

He searches for his phone under his pillow but the t-shirt is closer and he holds it and sniffs. The smell is fading away and Buck feels instant panic. In a week tops the smell would go away. Then what? What would he have then? 

His sick dreams, apparently.

Buck is subconsciously angry about his own habit to wash all of their clothes on a weekly basis. 

He finally finds his phone. It's two AM and he has a shift tomorrow but it doesn't matter. He has to know. Right now.

He waits for several minutes and he's ready to hang up when he gets an answer 

‘Evan, it's two in the morning, what the..’

‘You’ve called Eddie your competitor. You said you're not afraid of me breaking your heart because your ‘competition’ is out of the way. Why?!’

Buck hears his exhausted exhale

‘Evan…’

‘Don't. Just answer’

Buck is still lying down in Eddie's bed. The same bed he has slept with Tommy by the way. He regrets it a little too much now. 

‘Because I had a feeling you choose him’

‘There wasn't any choosing. In what situation… he's straight! He's my best friend! I don't…’

‘I remember. You don't have to want to sleep with people you have feelings for. It sounds ambiguous, you know. But if you're saying I misread all the things happening between you two…’

‘There was nothing between us two!’

‘If you say so. Why didn't you tell me he's dying? You told me only about Chim’

This change of topic is so unexpected Buck stumbles on his words 

‘I.. I didn't know.’

‘Best friends, right. Okay. If that's all I'll be back to sleep. Nice to hear from you but please don't call me again this late.’

Buck looks at his phone for several minutes straight. Well, it didn't help. And he didn't get an answer he could understand. He did get some answers though. 

That makes absolutely no sense.

In what hypothetical situation Buck would have a choice between them?.. and who would he choose?

This answer he thinks he knows. But he ignores it.

***

Buck isn't really sure why Chris wanted it so badly but Chris asked to go to the cemetery and Buck couldn't say no. He has a day off and he has no plans at all - if you don't count lying in bed for the whole day and eating Cheerios right from the package as a plan - so he has absolutely nothing to say to avoid this trip except.. he doesn't want to.

Every time he sees the gravestone with ‘Edmundo Diaz, 1991-2025’ his heart misses a beat. Because it should not be there. Eddie should not be there. He has a silver star, he just can't be dead. 

It doesn't make any sense - and it doesn't matter. Because he's dead and he's definitely there.

Buck wants him to be alive so much at that point it's impossible to explain. He hoped it would go away. It doesn't. 

He still can't get rid of Eddie's t-shirt. The smell is so faded it's practically not there anymore but still it gives him some ground feel and 

Buck blinks. He was so deep inside his head he literally forgot he's here with Chris.

Chris who hits the gravestone with his crutches.

‘Chris?’

‘You died! You left me!’

Buck comes closer but Chris totally ignores him keeping hitting the stone and screaming 

‘You died! You didn't even say goodbye, why didn't you at least call?! You must come back!’

And Buck thought Chris is keeping up just fine. He was so wrong

‘Chris!’

Chris is crying and keeps screaming. And he totally ignores Buck till the very moment he hits the gravestone again and falls.

Buck jumps to him hugging 

‘He left me. He promised he won't leave me anymore!’

Buck saw tantrums before. Buck has absolutely no idea what to do so he holds Chris even closer. And Chris keeps crying.

‘Mom died. And you…you…you just…’

He's choking on his words and tears and Buck feels pain. Cause he still has nothing 

‘Chris… he didn't want to…’

‘Everyone else is alive! How stupid could he be to just die there?!’

That's so good Chimney can't hear him now. That's so bad Buck can. 

Chris turns to him and his face is red and covered in tears 

‘And you will also leave me!’

‘I won't! I'll never…’

‘Dad said the same. All the time! And you know what?! He did!’

It's looking like Chris won't calm himself. And Buck can do anything to calm him. 

Because somewhere deep inside… he would do the same. Hit the gravestone and scream. Because what the fuck Eddie how could you leave your son?! How could you leave me?!

Chris shivers and still cries and that's getting to the point Buck takes out his phone and calls. He just has nothing else in his pocket.

***

Bobby is there in ten minutes and Buck isn't really sure he didn't use Athena’s help and police car. 

‘Buck?’

Buck just looks at him. He holds Chris close to himself and shakes a little every time Chris takes a breath before the next wave of screaming. Chris's voice and cry breaks Buck's heart to millions of pieces. For now it's approximately hell knows how many pieces inside Buck's chest and they all beat. And it hurts. 

Bobby comes closer 

‘Christopher..’

No answer. 

Bobby sits down next to them and looks at the gravestone. Very carefully. Then turns to Chris 

‘Christopher. Want to hit it once more?’

Chris inhales and shakes his head 

‘I thought so. I'm not sure Buck would be able to replace your crutches fast enough, so it's better to spare it for now, right?’

Buck blinks. It looks like Chris really doesn’t want to proceed. 

And Buck himself, he still wants to hit the gravestone so much… It's so hard to resist - he just stops resisting. One hand is still holding Chris and the second is slamming into the ‘2025’ engraved on the stone.

It hurts!

Bobby heavily inhales 

‘That's why Chris is much more smart. He used crutches.’

They sit in silence for some time until Chris's tantrum goes down to the point he can talk properly. Then he stares at Bobby 

‘Captain Nash… why?’

Bobby exhales. That's a tricky question. He has no right answer. But he can try - and he should try it. For Chris. And, partially, for Buck. Who looks like he's ready to proceed hitting the gravestone.

‘Your dad… had a silver star, you know that. It was in his blood. To save his team. So he saved us and…’

He exhales again and proceeds quieter 

‘And I failed to save him for you. I'm so sorry, Chris’

Chris sadly smiles 

‘That's not… he didn't save himself. He left me’

His lips are shaking again and it looks like he's ready for the second round. And Buck is not really ready. Buck wasn't ready for the first one. He feels he can't handle it. 

And Chris sobs

‘He left me alone!’

Bobby smiles with the very corners of his lips 

‘He didn't leave you alone. He left you with your Buck, right? He knew for sure the best person for you. And he left Buck with you also.’

Buck's face frowns. That sounds suspiciously strange. And Chris… Chris just nods 

‘I know. But I don't know what I can do!’

‘You don't have to do anything. You just need to be there for each other. And I'm here for you. And all 118. All of us. Just call if you need. And now… I brought some candles and cookies. So… let's share a moment with your father, right, Chris?’ 

Chris nods again. His face is still wet from tears but it's getting dry.

‘But I need your help to get it from my car….’

Buck freezes before getting it. Bobby gives him a moment here. Because… Bobby sees he needs it before Buck himself sees it.

‘And Buck?’

‘Buck can wait’

Buck numbly nods and watches Bobby and Chris go back to the car.

Turns to the stone.

And hits it again. With full strength. It hurts as hell but… it doesn't matter. 

‘You shouldn't… you shouldn't leave us!’

Chris shivers hearing Buck's scream from the distance and Bobby holds his shoulder. 

‘We…should give him some time, right?’

Bobby smiles. Chris is a perfect son of his father. Both of them. 

‘Yes. And you can try a cookie or two’

***

When Buck's out of the shower at the station he hears something that is so off he freezes for a second. He hears Hen arguing with someone! 

Someone he knows. Someone who shouldn't be here.

He finally keeps going. 

Yes. That's it. Tommy Kinnard is staying in the middle of the station, right in front of the engine. And Hen literally hisses at him!

Tommy turns over and sees him. And for some reason Buck thinks he should hide. That's strange. Tommy isn't dangerous by any means. Why does his brain act like he's at gunpoint?

‘Evan!’

He shivers. That's why. 

‘Buck… just Buck. Why… why are you here?’

‘Came to talk. I think we should find something more private though…’

‘Kinnard, don't you dare!’

He shrugs and Hen loudly exhales and goes away with her special ‘I'm gonna regret it but you gonna regret it more’ face.

Buck rubs his forehead and offers

‘Locker room? Or we can just go outside’

‘Let's go outside’

Why did he come though? Buck has no idea. But he nods and goes after him.

It's dark and chilly at the parking lot so Buck hopes it won't be too long. But he waits for Tommy to start 

‘I was thinking… Evan. You actually did break my heart already but maybe…’

On the one hand - he calls him ‘Evan', totally ignoring his very clear request not to do it. On the other hand… something makes Buck keep listening. Even if Tommy doesn't say anything else. He just takes a step closer and kisses him

And Buck feels stunned. Because.. it's Tommy Kinnard. Buck doesn't think he's in love with Tommy Kinnard. But for some reason it's so easy to imagine another man and…

He misses the moment Tommy steps back and smiles 

‘So. What are you thinking of?’

Buck subconsciously licks his lips

‘What?’

Tommy laughs a little 

‘Okay, I rephrase. Who were you thinking of? Let me guess…’

He didn't finish, there's no need. Buck gets what was making him follow Tommy. And why did he let this kiss slide.

‘Your cologne…'

‘Yes. I just thought it should help you to answer your own question. About competition. Does it help?’

It helps… at some point it helps in one thing. Buck sobers up immediately. And hits him. It's much more pleasant than hitting the gravestone.

‘How could you…?!’

‘You did break my heart, of course. But you need help. There's help.’

Tommy walks away before Buck hits him the second time. 

When Buck comes back to the station - Hen meets him with a cup of coffee and comfort silence he needs so much.

Did he really think of Eddie kissing another man though?! 

But he isn't in love with his dead straight best friend! Right? 

***

Chapter Text

At that point Buck just doesn't understand why it doesn't get any better. It's been months without Eddie. He should have adapted to this new awful reality. He most definitely didn't.

He thinks that he copes just fine but then something happens again and he feels like his own world is broken to the core. 

It shouldn't be that way. It should… time is healing, right? Wrong. 

Time is opening something inside he's not ready to open. Like. Some details he successfully ignored.

He still can't get rid of Eddie's toothbrush and razor in his bathroom. It just stays there, never to be used again.

He still can't stop sleeping on the couch. Because Eddie slept there. Because.

Buck usually stops there. Just because. End of story. 

He hopes every time that it would be easier at work. But it's not. Everyone around treats him like he's fragile. He's not! He's fine! It's totally normal to grief. Even if it takes so much time. Hen told Ravi some time ago that everyone has a unique way. That's his.

To see Eddie out of the corner of his eyes. Just a hint. Him, staying near the coffee maker with a grin. Him, hitting the punching bag. Him, lying down on the bunk bed with a crossword book.

He's not here. Buck knows it. But he wants him to be here, that's the issue.

He needs his best friend. 

Maddie said it is okay. Maddie said he's doing just fine. Maddie said she made a mistake. Maddie said he's not in love with Eddie, obviously.

He's not. It's something else. Maybe it's something like withdrawal syndrome. People usually feel shitty when they stop doing drugs or alcohol or cigarettes or… okay, he's comparing his best friend to literally drugs. And it seems strangely accurate.

Then… he just has to deal with it for some time. Just a little more. A week. A month. A fucking lifetime he’d, apparently, be very sucked out. Brilliant.

The only thing that keeps him in place surprisingly, is socials. Because there's an open case about Chris’s custody and social workers keep paying them unexpected visits every now and then. It looks like the world wants to take the last part of joy off his life. 

Buck's fighting back so tremendously Eddie would be proud. 

***

He's sick of his stupid imagination. Or subconsciousness. Or whatever sends him dreams. Because he's fine seeing Eddie in his dreams, duh. 

He's not fine not seeing him! 

Buck sniffs the t-shirt once more and desperately exhales. The smell is gone. His last thread to connect is gone. Maybe from that moment the healing begins? Oh god please let it be that way cause he can't do it anymore. He can't do anything anymore.

And his first step to healing, suddenly, is getting back to dating. It seems so logical in his head that he doesn't get Chris confusion when he asks him

‘Chris… what do you think, is it fine if I go on a date today?’

Chris stops chewing his oatmeal for a second. And looks at Buck 

‘Well, today it is Karen’s turn to take me and Denny from school so i think yes, why? Buck, I'm fifteen, I know you could have a life… i just… you won't leave me for some girl or boy whatever?’

That's definitely not the reaction Buck was waiting for

‘No. I mean.. no, Chris, of course no! I just thought…’

‘Dad dated a lot of people. I'm used to this at that point. Please don't invite them home just yet…’

Buck slowly nods. He almost said the stupidest thing ever came to his mind. He almost asked wouldn't it be cheating!

Cheating on whom? His dead straight best friend?! That's insane! Luckily he managed to stop himself.

But it is cheating. 

He just feels it. Very strongly. He sits here in a restaurant with a nice guy Buck tries to like. And all he can think about is literally ‘Eddie doesn't like bell peppers’ or ‘Eddie knows what beer I like’ or even ‘Eddie has the same shirt and it fits him better!’

He doesn't say anything. But he thinks so.

‘Listen… How long have you been widowed?’

Buck chokes on his salad

‘Sorry?’

‘Your husband? Eddie? You told me a lot about him. I'm fine with it, really, I just need to understand where you are in your stages of grief. And how can I help’

‘He died four months ago… he's not my husband?’

Buck's face is so confused even his date feels uncomfortable.

‘Sorry! Partner?’

‘He's my friend!’

Now his date’s face became… well, funny.

‘You know you're on a date with a dude, right? You don't have to hide’

In conclusion, the date didn't go well. And Buck still feels he somehow cheated on Eddie. Even if it was not possible. 

And what idiot could ever think he and Eddie are a thing?

***

‘Hello, Mr. Buckley? Elizabeth Shore, Silver Grove Middle School. I'm calling about your son, Christopher. He got into an altercation.’

Buck slowly blinks and carefully puts his cup onto the counter 

‘I'm sorry? Christopher? Into an altercation? I'm pretty sure you've mistaken’

‘No, Mr. Buckley, I'm positive. So… could you please come to the principal office, we need to discuss consequences.’

The call ends but Buck still looks at his phone in denial. Chris? Altercation? No way!

Hen looks at him with a grin 

‘What’s wrong, Buck-a-roo?’

‘Chris got into a fight? I need to go there…’

Hen chuckles 

‘That’s fun. I mean, Karen sent me a text that Denny… they couldn't, could they?’

Buck shakes his head. He can't even imagine Chris having a fight with Denny. He can't even imagine Chris having a fight in particular.

When he comes into the principal's office the first person he sees - Karen. Not very sad to be fair and definitely not disappointed.

Then he sees Chris. He seems fine. Maybe a little angry but fine in general.

‘Chris!’

‘I'm fine… We won!’

We… Buck turns over and sees Denny. With a bruise on his cheek.

‘What the…’

‘Buck, sit down. I'm waiting for Mr. Donovan to explain what's going on’

He sits next to Karen but can't stop checking Chris every now and then. They share the chocolate bar with Denny and ignore the surrounding mess. 

‘Mr.Buckley. I'm glad you've made it. So, there was an accident…’

Denny raises his head

‘It wasn't an accident! Since they came they talk about how strange my family is!’

‘Denny!’

‘Mom, that's true!’

Chris nods

Principal Donovan taps his forehead with a tissue and proceeds 

‘The said accident ended up with an altercation. And Christopher used… tools..’

Buck frowns

‘I'm sorry, tools?’

Chris shows him his crutch. Karen grins

‘That's not a tool, principal Donovan, that's a walking aid. Can I ask what was the reason for the conflict?’

‘As I know there were some…insults?’

Chris suddenly gets bright red and Denny literally jumps off his chair 

‘They said that it's unnatural to have two moms!’

Buck and Karen simultaneously exhale but Denny didn't finish yet

‘Then they laughed. Then Chris stepped in. He said that my moms are definitely better than their parents cause my moms at least know what they're doing with kids like you know, raising them… then…’

He turns to Chris. He slightly nods, still bright red and visibly furious 

‘Then they laughed at him. They said of course he said so. His mother is dead. And that having two dads is even worse. Especially…especially…’

He stops abruptly 

‘Denny? What's wrong?’

‘I…can't say it’

Buck looks at Chris, very much concerned 

‘Chris?’

Chris looks at the wall but speaks 

‘They say having two dads is even worse especially if one of them was stupid enough to die on duty if his purpose was to save people. And that I should be glad you didn't give up on me cause I'm obviously defected’

Buck just gasps in pure horror. Denny shakes his head 

‘I said it's bullshit and Mike hit me. That's how it started’

There's a pause. Very unpleasant and sticky. Buck thinks… well, Buck's fists are clenched so tightly his knuckles are white and he wants to hug Chris - and Denny for stepping up - and take Chris’s crutch to beat up people who raised those kids. 

Mr.Donovan finally opens his mouth.

‘Denny, language! Anyway, Mrs. Wilson, Mr. Buckley, we need to understand that the school can't ignore the physical violence and the consequences….’

And there's Karen. Buck forgets sometimes how scary she can be 

‘So let me check if I get it straight, Mr. Donovan. They made homophobic comments. Then they insulted the memory of a deceased firefighter in front of his son. And then they attempted to strike my son while outnumbering him two to one. And now you imply to suspend my son and Christopher for, basically, self-defence. Did I miss something?’

The principal inhales

‘Well we need to talk to the opposite side of the conflict but…’

‘There's no buts Mr.Donovan. You need to address the situation correctly. Or I address it myself. If this school fails to recognize the difference between bullying and self-defense, we will take the matter to the district. And to the state board. And to every parent forum within a fifty-mile radius.’

Buck thinks Hen is scary all the time but she's like home scary, she's known scary. Karen is a natural disaster and he hopes he'll never be on the opposite side from her.

The principal exhales so loudly it's obvious he's ready to surrender.

‘I still need to communicate with the other part of the conflict but no further action against Chris or Denny just now. You are free to go. I'll let you know if there are any others… inconvenience’

When they're at the doors already the principal finishes 

‘I'm very sorry for your loss Mr.Buckley but i highly recommend you and Chris to see a council together. I know how losing a spouse can affect families.’

Buck smiles like it was a good joke. Looks around.

Apparently neither Chris nor Denny nor Karen think of it as a joke. 

***

‘So Chris hit him with a crutch!’

Buck finishes his story and his coffee and looks at his team with a poorly hidden pride. 

Hen slowly exhales 

‘So… my son has a black eye and Chris was verbally abused by these two and the principal even considered to give them suspension? That's unacceptable!’

Bobby scoffs 

‘Hen, I understand. But I suppose your wife already scared them to the bones. Right, Buck?’

Buck nods

‘Yes, she's brilliant. I thought I just hit Mr.Donovan right in the face. With Chris’s crutch! And then… then! He assumed me and Eddie were spouses!’

Buck waits for a reaction. Any reaction. But everyone - even Ravi! - just watched him with a very polite confusion.

‘Spouses, guys!’

Bobby starts. Very carefully 

‘Buck. You need to understand. Most of the people saw you two just like that. Because you acted like that. You lived together. You have co-parented Chris since I think seven years ago.’

Buck frowns 

‘That's not… we're not…’

Hen smiles 

‘Buck. Tell me. Is it bothering you so much? Why? Is it somehow so bad to be assumed as Eddie’s spouse? I mean he was pretty good looking and interesting and…’

Ravi giggles 

‘And he had a silver star!’

‘Because we're not! And he's not!’

Ravi giggles louder

‘So he was not. And you?’

‘Ravi! Shut up!’

Ravi raises his hands in surrender 

‘Okay, okay. Sorry! But it really looked like that from the outside.’

Buck wants to say something else but there's no idea in his head what specifically he could say. 

***

Maddie pours coffee to Chim’s cup while he watches it with a hint of anger

‘What’s wrong? It's your standard morning coffee!’

‘I know. It's just… you know your brother hates me?’

‘He does not. Why do you think so?’

Chim looks at her with a soft grin

‘He hates me for not telling him it was Eddie. For not telling him Eddie knew. I'm not sure. But… actually I'm pretty sure. And I know it wouldn't have changed anything. And Buck knows it, right? And he still hates me’

Maddie exhales 

‘He's… okay. He doesn't hate you. He just can't deal with it yet. I hope he gets better soon.’

Now Chim looks at his wife with some strange emotion she can't read 

‘Maddie. He was attached to Diaz with steel staples even if he tries to deny it. It won't go away anytime soon. I get it and I respect it. I just… I want to help him and it's hard! He doesn't speak to me!’

‘But… did you try?’

Chimney exhales 

‘I'm trying every time. Okay. I think.. It won't hurt if I try again. But if I fail I'll ask you. I care for him.’

She nods. She cares for him too. It's just… it's hard to help someone who doesn't want any help. Who denies he needs any help at all.

Chimney gets a chance to talk to Buck only in the late evening. Buck fills his report and chews on his pen looking into the void. Chim can get it, it was a hard call. 

‘Hey, Buck. Care to take a walk?’

‘Busy. Report.’

Chim purses his lips 

‘Five minutes tops. You are struggling with your report for forty minutes already, another five won't hurt much.’

Buck puts his pen away and raises his eyes at Chim. Grins just a little 

‘Fine. Five minutes. Chim, I need to finish it’

‘I know. It won't take long, promise’

They go around the station an Chim takes a minute to actually start 

‘Listen… I can see there's something between you and me that bothers you. I don't like it so… how about we talk it through?’

‘There's nothing. And if it was the only reason you didn't let me finish my report..’

Chim stops in front of their engine. It's late and quiet around so his voice sounds a little too much 

‘You stopped talking to me after knowing… about Eddie. I need to know why and how I can fix it!’

Buck frowns 

‘That… that's not true!’

‘Buck, don't. Just tell me. I can get it. Actually…’

He tries to find something acceptable for Buck but Buck suddenly talks himself 

‘You can't. I mean… I told you. You said he was a liar and I swear I ran through that hallway thinking… well. I wasn't really ready. I didn't have… I didn't have a chance to say goodbye? You should have said it was Eddie. You should have said he's infected the moment you got it!’

‘I couldn't! Buck…’

Buck takes a breath and proceeds trying to keep himself calm. Not very successfully though.

‘When I concealed information about my sister - you hit me. I'm not going to do that but maybe… ‘

Chim shakes his head 

‘No, wait. It's a different story. Me and Maddie. That time.. I thought I could lose her! I mean of course I was in rage, I could lose the person I love!’

‘I did lose the person I love, you know that?!’

Buck is panting under Chim’s stare. Chim feels like he was doused with cold water. And his look became very soft when he asked 

‘Do you know that?’

Then Buck hears himself. His next look he gives Chim is pure panic. 

‘I…’

Sirens go off at the most untimely moment in history. 

Chapter Text

He wakes up. It's getting annoying. All days are literally the same. He can't recall at least one time he falls asleep, it's like being turned off every fucking time. 

At some point he hopes he won't wake up. But he does. And it's the worst groundhog day he could even imagine. 

He starts to miss very ordinary things. Human voice, for example. Small talks - and not that he was even a fan of it. Apparently he was.

It's totally normal to miss his son, his team, Evan… he misses them so much. Chris should be in his last year of middle school by now. Silver Grove Middle School, he still remembers the name. Hen said it's one of the best inclusive schools in LA, with a lot of activities, a lot of courses, and highly qualified teachers. And Denny is there so Chris shouldn't feel lonely.

Chris shouldn't feel lonely at home also. He has his Buck. Even in his nightmares Eddie can't picture Buck leaving Chris. To be honest he can't picture anyone from 118 leaving Chris so he should be fine.

118 should be fine in general. They have each other.

Evan… Evan should be fine. The word ‘fine’ is so overrated at this point. If they miss him? It's a very egoistic thought but he can't fight it anymore. 

If he were… 

He wasn't in Buck's coma dream so he's definitely not so important. Chris was there. Chris is important! That's enough. That's more than enough. That's everything. 

Eddie is… just an object three seventeen at this point, right? An object not a person. Equipment for tests. 

It could be worse. It could have been Chimney. And Maddie would raise her children as a single mother. Well. With all 118 there. With Eddie himself there. 

He thinks about it. He thinks if he made a mistake not telling them. And he still can't think he made it. Mostly.

He should have died. That's his mistake. He should have had just a little self respect!

Last time he tried to act like he has some self respect though… he was heavily sedated and tied up to his bed. Very respectful indeed. 

That's definitely not the best way of… anything.

That's funny. He was so ready to die then. It was logical. It was right.

But now… now he's not. It's quite stupid to die here. As an object. As a wordless thing used for experimenting. He's a veteran. He's a firefighter. If he dies here it would mean only one thing. He lost. His parents were right. He failed at everything. 

Hell he misses his family! Not parents, of course. His chosen family. His team. His son! That's literally insane. He has to see Chris. He promised he won't leave him. He has broken this promise before, he has absolutely no rights to break it again.

And… hell he misses Evan. 

***

He wakes up. And it's not pleasant in any way possible. First of all, he was woken up quite impolite.

‘You should have died, you know that?’

He grins and opens his eyes. Light is blinding. Eddie instinctively tries to cover his eyes with his palm but, obviously, fails - his hands are still tied up to his bed.

‘This virus has a lethality rate of ninety eight percent. But you're quite a tenacious object. We're lucky to have you. Now we finally can check the aftermath of that… and if the immune system responds correctly.’

Somehow it doesn't sound even close to reassurance. It sounds like a threat. Eddie unfortunately knows it's not it. It's just a fact he gets. 

He doesn't have to respond. So he's not responding. Just turns away as much as he can.

White coat smiles 

‘That’s fine. We are here not to make friends. We're here to make science.’

Eddie doesn't want to make science. Or friends. He wants to be somewhere far far away from here. With his son. 

Maybe this coat is right. He should have died. He has his death certificate already, right? He just should not be here.

And he's here. And now this white coat is poking him with needles again. As he did yesterday. As he will tomorrow. Fantastic merry-go-round he stuck in. Hell knows how tired he is.

And what was the reason to wake him up anyway. He could stay unconscious. Not that he has any dreams of course. He just wasn't existing. It was nice…

He shivers and opens his eyes again - apparently he dozed off - when his hands are finally free

‘Stand up’

That's… new. 

‘Now’

Eddie isn't sure he can do it so fast. But… he missed the idea of standing vertically to be fair so he tries. 

Well, he has definitely got out of the habit of gravity. And apparently he lost half of his body weight. And most of the muscles. Pathetic. And how does he plan to work as a firefighter again, he has to spend like a lifetime in a gym. 

If he gets out of here of course.

‘Okay, now go’

Eddie hates being told what to do. And he's dizzy.

But. But! It's a start. If he manages it. Maybe he manages.. something more. Maybe it's his first step back home.

It feels just like his first step though. He's not sure he can take another one, dizziness is killing him.

‘March, object three-seventeen. It's not a request. It's an order. We need metrics.’

If Eddie has a little strength he would definitely hit this coat unconscious and run. But… for now he has no strength even for the next step. So he uses his stubbornness.

He makes it half way to the door before everything goes dark and the floor somehow gets right in front of him.

Maybe next time.

He hears the white coat scribble something on his clipboard.

His last thought is funny. 

Evan loves clipboards. 

Eddie…loves him.

****

He wakes up. Again. At this point it's not even annoying. It is just as it is now. He wakes up - to be fair it's more like he's being woken up - and the tests begin. For now he manages to walk to the door and back three times in a row. That's great.

He faints after it every fucking time and that's definitely not great. Anyway, yesterday he successfully got to his bed. And hit himself with it. 

So he has a little more strength - and a little more bruises. 

Well, at least he understands Chris more. So he's closer to his son he most probably won't see ever again.

Eddie clenches his fists. He's able to walk already so there's a chance. Not very stable obviously but better than nothing. He takes another step. It's more than yesterday. It's definitely more than a week ago. And it's been a week already. His career is under a big risk. No one wants a firefighter who can't walk still fifty feet without falling down. 

But he's still standing. And - that's definitely new - he's hungry. He knows it's more psychological for now, one of the IVs is obviously glucose. But he wouldn't mind having some of Bobby's lasagnas. Or anything Buck cooks. Anything normal. It's not the case he's hungry, no. He just wants to feel normal again. He just wants to feel alive again, not an inanimate object as he's been treated lately.

He grins and staggers. Nope, too soon. He has his internal plan. The said plan is being able to walk for ten minutes straight! Even if ten minutes with his current pace is most probably five rounds from bed to the locked door. He takes another step.

This floor is a traitor. And a fan of hitting Eddie right in the face

‘Seven minutes. Amazing progress.’

White coat marks something in his clipboard when Eddie starts to cough.

Brilliant. He thought - he hoped - it won't happen ever again and here he is, choking on his coughing.

The white coat scoffs very loudly 

‘That's expected. See you tomorrow’

And he just left. 

Eddie frowns, trying to sit on the floor, chokes again. The room is doubling in his eyes and his nose starts to bleed. That's, most probably, also expected. Fantastic. He's going to die here, isn't he?

He's not. 

Eddie sharply exhales and tries to stand up. Several - eight to be specific - attempts later he manages it and slowly goes to his bed, leaving bloody marks on the floor.

As Bobby said then… he wouldn't buy Eddie Diaz just give up. He was right. 

He has to get out. 

He just doesn't have any choice.

***

He wakes up. Everything hurts but for the first time in a long time Eddie smiles just a little, feeling every muscle hurt and sore.

Yesterday he managed to walk for thirteen minutes. It's three more minutes he initially anticipated and thirteen minutes more he was able to move like twelve days ago. It's a start. 

His smile fades away almost instantly. Yes, it's a start. Big win for him. And another mark in the white coat’s clipboard. Who knows what he would be forced to do today. Their tests are quite unpredictable. Three days ago he was asked - not in a polite way - to solve a crossword puzzle. So now he hates crosswords. And puzzles. 

The white coat comes in with a grin looking more scary than his usual empty face. On the other hand - Eddie instantly notices it - he's not wearing a safety mask. So Eddie is not contagious. So there is no virus in his system anymore. That's promising.

No killing kiss though. He needs to get a better plan.

‘You should take a shower, object three seventeen, it's getting unpleasant. If you manage to walk there on your own. Move.’

Apparently there's a strict rule not to treat him as a person. He could have forgotten his own name by that time if he wouldn't have repeated it every now and then. But it could have been funny. Because there's one name burnt through his mind. Evan. 

Buck would be so pissed off when he learns it, he hates his name. 

But shower.. to be really fair Eddie thinks it sounds amazing. Because it sounds like something easy. And real. It sounds like something from the world of living.

‘It's around two hundred feet down the hall. Give or take. Good luck’

The white coat stands next to the wall with his clipboard ready and the smirk on his face becomes more malicious.

Eddie takes a deep breath. Two hundred feet. Last time he managed to walk  approximately one eighty… maybe one eighty five if he flatters himself. So it's possible.

But chances not to pass out right on the finish line are not on him. 

Yet. He could manage it. 

His way to the shower - he still doesn't have a watch or any sense of time but he tries - takes approximately an eternity. Because he takes breaks every two or three feet he walks. But he managed it!

And still he stumbles right after coming in the shower. Because there's a mirror and hell he wasn't ready to see himself. He saw dead people more good-looking than him. He saw dead people looking more alive than him.

It's not even scary at this point. It's devastating. 

He got older for ten years straight and it looks like the person who shaved him was a psycho. 

All time he spent in the gym was stolen and he can literally count his own ribs. And his own scares. Old ones - he knew the history behind every mark on his skin before - and new ones he knows nothing about. 

And he has a strand of silver hair in his head. He's thirty three - or thirty four already, he's not sure - and he has silver hair. Nice addition to the silver star of course. 

He hardly recognises himself, thinks Eddie. Chris won't recognise him. Buck…

Oh hell. Buck most probably pretends he didn't notice anything but his panic would be so thick Eddie would feel guilty. He feels guilty already even if he's not sure why.

When he finally gets under the shower he shivers again. It's unpleasant. It's almost painful to be fair because he's so overwhelmed by water touching his apparently very thin skin he hardly can take it. Water. Sounds . Lights. Everything at once. He slips down the shower wall, gasping on air and steam and feels a hint of salt on his lips. His first thought, of course, it's his nose bleeding again, but it's not. It takes him a moment to understand it's his own tears he can't stop or control.

Eddie certainly did die that day in the lab. Because that… that is definitely not him.

Chapter Text

Eddie wanted everything to get better so much that when it kinda does he has no idea how to react.

Yesterday he had a shower. Normal human shower. It was quite painful to be honest but still it gave him the feeling he's still a human. Not an object. A real person. He misses this feeling. It was totally worth it. 

Even if his way back took twice the time and he fell down literally in the doorway to his room. Still worth it. 

On the other hand, it means he managed to walk twice the distance. Back to normal - it's nothing, it's less than his morning route at the station. But he's not at the station. And there's nothing normal here. He should be proud of himself. He isn't. For some reason he just feels nothing like his mind is numb.

The white coat doesn’t come. That's why Eddie feels…that's why he doesn't feel anything. He waits for a new batch of tests, dehumanisation and clipboard marks. There's none. 

He waits and waits and there's no one. Then he slowly stands up. When nobody's watching and taking notes and metrics it's quite pleasant. Eddie takes a step. Another one. It's hard and painful but it's as much freedom as he can get for now and he takes it all. He even thinks about doing a push up - his reflection is still standing in front of his inner view but he knows for sure it's a straight way to faint. Walking is fine. Baby steps…

Some time later, Eddie doesn't even try to use time frames anymore, his personal white coat comes in. Puts the glass of water on the table and leaves. In total silence.

Eddie waits. For something…anything? Explanation? Clipboard scribble? Command?

Nothing. It's just him. And a glass of water.

He could use water. He just doesn't trust it.

He keeps walking. Marching to be specific. Surprisingly it's easier. He counts every step and it makes the whole process more manageable.

Water is still on the table. He tries to ignore it. Not that he's thirsty. Not that he's not.

His body apparently just forgot how to feel… all of that. Hunger. Thirst. Sleepiness. All that should be subconscious. 

There is water on the table. Eddie is pretty sure there's something in this glass of water. Or no. It would be too funny. And too senseless. 

It's stupid to poison water and he definitely develops paranoia.

There's water on the table. Not in the IV. It's another thing that can remind him of normality. 

He misses normality.

Eddie takes the glass. 

It's… just water. How could he possibly miss the taste and feeling of water? 

He takes only one sip. He knows the rules. 

He just walks around his bed. Eddie takes a little sips of water every now and then. 

And feels himself a person for the first time in a while now. It should be a good sign. Maybe he still can deal with it. Maybe he still can get out. 

***

Eddie Diaz hates swings. Especially with that kind of swing. He should have guessed it, yesterday with no tests and simple water was calm before the storm. And here's the storm. 

The white coat comes with his clipboard and a stopwatch. And grins when Eddie finds a halter and a pulse oximeter on his table. 

‘We tried walking. Now run, object three-seventeen. Need assistance or you know the drill?’

Eddie knows the drill, that's for sure. And he tries his best to avoid being even close to the white coat so he manages the halter and pulse oximeter as well as he can. 

‘Splendid. Down the hall. And run. I'll say when you can stop’

Eddie scoffs. Most probably his body says it. Running is not the easiest task and he was on edge of passing out yesterday walking his two hundred feet. 

But … running could be useful.

He lasts three minutes. For the first round. And then his lungs just give up. Surprisingly not even his muscles. Apparently he used all his luck and self time yesterday. Because he's brought back with an ammonia smell and when the picture in his eyes stops doubling and he finally can take a breath without choking on it - he has to run again.

Five minutes. Then two. Then… Well, it's a six minute parody of turtle run that ends with him being incredibly sick and gasping.

And then… he has to run again. But this time there is a pop quiz! 

He's out of breath on the first question. Actually, it's a one question quiz. Name all states and capitals. Child's play - if you're a school kid in a good neighborhood. It's child’s play if you're Chris. 

And it's something like rocket science if you're Eddie Diaz. Who has to fucking run at the same time.

He recalls Nashville, Tennessee when he feels he's done. That's also new. 

All other times he just turns off. Falls as he was shot. Now he feels his body signaling him. And that's actually really promising. That means he can make another step. Recall another city.

It's been seven steps, Rhode Island and Providence before he falls down with accompaniment of both halter and pulse oximeter beeping.

The white coat plainly smirks 

‘Impressive…’

Another ammonia smell and he's finally good to go back to his room.

And there's another glass of water. And this time - Eddie can feel the aftertaste - there's definitely something. But he's too exhausted to think about it even when his vision instantly blurs. 

That's fine. At least he knows he can run.

And how could he forget Austin…

***

He most probably won't be able to run any time soon, thinks Eddie right after he opens his eyes. He looks at the bright lamps on the ceiling and slowly exhales with this specific type of cold anger. He's angry at himself. His body. His sore limb and muscles that just don't work properly. He's grateful they work in general though.

Everything hurts and he's still coughing and, judging by red drops on his pillow, his nose was bleeding again. Incredible. He's a walking corpse. 

Very much broken.

Yet, he forces himself to stand up. He needs to train himself. Every day. He's not an object. He's Eddie Diaz. He whispers his own name. It sounds strange, basically unfamiliar. And Eddie chuckles a little - he still remembers his own reflection. Also strange and unfamiliar. So everything is fine. It's just… it's just not him. It's an object three seventeen. And he's not an object. He's Edmundo Diaz, thirty three - thirty four? He must have missed his birthday already - firefighter, veteran, father. He has a silver star!

He chuckles again and tries to walk faster. Just a little.

And then. The white coat. With a halter and pulse oximeter again. And…

Eddie laughs. He laughs with a barking laughter and chokes on this laughing - nothing is funny it's just a nervous overload.

The white coat brings the ab roller. Even being healthy and fit Eddie found this specific thing more torture than exercising.

The white coat takes out the stopwatch and his clipboard Eddie hates already. Because it makes him just a set of numbers. It makes Eddie a pure statistic. 

Everything makes Eddie a pure statistic - he's doing it himself, putting on the halter.

‘Start with a plank. As long as you can. And count from one thousand to zero with a step of eleven. Go.’ 

Eddie slowly blinks. He's not sure he can count like that right now. Not trying to stand in a plank on the ab roller.

His breathing breaks before he even starts. But the voice of the white coat is still and cold.

‘Plank. Count. Go’

He taps the clipboard with his pen and that sound drives Eddie insane more than anything. Just.. tapping. Like he's wasting the time of this white coat. 

Eddie goes to the floor.

‘One thousand’

His hands are trembling immediately. And he can't catch his breath. Go, Eddie.

As long as he can. Counting. With a shaken sharp voice. 

‘Nine hundred…nine…eighty… nine’

He starts coughing again. 

Then his brain declines to work properly and he genuinely can't recall any number after five.

Then his hands give up without warning and he hits the floor with his chest which makes the coughing much worse. 

Then the copper taste and pulse oximeter loud beeping. 

Then - nothing.

***

When Eddie opens his eyes he's still on the floor. And the white coat is still there.

And he's still tapping his pen on the clipboard. 

It's not loud or anything. It's just… there. Constantly. Steady. Like an old clock ticking in the other room. Nothing drastic. Just…tapping.

Eddie slowly sits on the floor. Shivers in the rhythm of the tapping sound.

In a minute he's ready to close his ears.

And the white coat is still tapping. 

Eddie closes his eyes. And then ears. Curls on the floor trying to hide from that immersive tapping sound.

At some point all he can sense around it's that sound and it scares him more than anything. It's not painful. It's not an exhausting exercise. It's just a sound. And it breaks him more.

Then the tapping sound is over. The white coat writes down something on the clipboard. In silence that Eddie didn't recognise yet, there's still this annoying tapping sound in his head like it's stuck in his skull. 

The coat looks at him unbothered and repeats. 

‘Plank. Count. Go’

At this point Eddie isn't sure he can remember any number at all.

***

Maybe that's hell. For now it looks a lot like it. The devil is in the details, right? So here's it. The details.

The light is blinking. Constantly. With different frequencies. He tries to get used to it and fails every time - it makes him sick and dizzy.

The exercises he must do get harder. Not for a normal person and it's humiliating just a little. It's like he tries to take a sobriety test over and over again being incredibly drunk. Last time he failed the straight line walk. Who could possibly fail that? 

The days go by. No, wrong. The time goes by. He's not really sure about days, he has no watches or anything still and not that the white coat volunteers to share any information. Only commands, short and sharp. Walk. Run. Breathe.

Oh yes, ‘Breathe’...

That's the worst. 

He knows for sure he can easily hold his breath for three minutes and seventeen seconds. It is information that runs in his bloodstream. It's information strongly connected to ‘Evan’. 

And now he fails it. He holds for twenty seconds before his brain makes him inhale. His brain wants to live much more than Eddie himself wants to live.

Eddie doesn't want it. Eddie isn't sure he's existing right now. He wakes up not being Eddie. He wakes up as an object. Three seventeen. No name. No nothing. Function.

He falls asleep with a name again. He remembers himself dying with that name. 

Maybe that's how it should end. With the name. Not his though. 

But his brain wants to live so much it makes him walk a minute longer. Run a minute longer. Do everything just a minute longer. 

His brain does the worst in that situation. It makes him believe he can live.

Until it doesn't.

Eddie wakes up. And it's wrong. Everything is wrong. Everything feels wrong.

He feels that copper taste so strongly it's sickening.

He feels fever so high his head is on the edge of exploding and his nose starts to bleed after his stubborn attempt to sit.

When the white coat comes in - he wears a mask. 

Fantastic, thinks Eddie through the fog in his head. Amazing even. He's been there already. It wasn't fun then.

It is fucking fun now. 

The white coat just watches him. With the standard clipboard. There's no way Eddie can see his face but Eddie knows for sure - there's nothing. No emotions at all. 

Eddie is an object. He provides metrics. Numbers. Nothing more.

He died from that virus. His death just takes too much time. 

Chapter Text

At this point he wants to die. It's a weakness, of course. So he's weak, yes. His parents think he's a failure. Also yes. But he just can't take it anymore, it should have ended a long time ago. In a lab. In April. He basically made a deal then. He made a decision he failed to keep.

He would have been laughing right now if it wasn't so painful.

He should be dead and yet he can't even pass out. No, it would be too easy. Too good for Eddie Diaz, apparently. 

He's not it. At this point. He's not Eddie anymore. He's an object. Three seventeen. Dying on the bed. Watched. He's pretty sure every breath he fails to take, every blood drop running down his face is caught and documented carefully in that clipboard he should hate but it remains him of Evan.

Evan. He can't breathe without bloody coughing but he manages to whisper this name when the pain gets unbearable. It helps.

He tries to open his eyes but the fever and headache make it quite impossible - lights are too bright and drill his brain as if he has one. And his vision is doubled and blurred. 

And this taste of copper. It's the worst. Everything is soaked with this taste now. Even air he manages to swallow has that awful bloody undertaste.

He hears the beeping of his heart monitor. Or his oxygen monitor. Or some other monitor saying he's dying. Not a surprise. He knows. He's been dying for more than four months now. He failed even this simple task.

He's not fully conscious at that point but he catches the sound of struggling when he laughs. Apparently the white coat wasn't expecting that and he stopped noting because it's hard to put in the clipboard. The object laughs instead of agony? 

It is the agony, welcome to Eddie Diaz life. Nobody likes it here. Eddie doesn't like it. The object three seventeen doesn't like it.

He's still not dead. 

It's getting annoying. 

He laughs more and luckily his subconscious is quick enough to roll his barely functioning body to the side so at least he won't choke on his own blood he's sick of.

The scribbling of the white coat’s notes gets louder and overwhelming. 

Light gets brighter and hurts more even through closed eyelids. 

The taste of copper is everywhere. 

This taste finally covers everything except one word. One name.

Eddie whispers it. 

And finally falls into the dark. 

***

And then… He's not dead. That's… strange. Eddie opens his eyes with a lot of caution. Still alive. Still… here. 

White ceiling. Bright lamps. IVs. Monitors. And… 

He slowly inhales and he's not coughing. There's no annoying copper taste. There's no blood in his mouth. He survived. Again. How… why? 

‘Why’ is the main question. 

He feels exhausted, tired and sweaty, like he ran a marathon. And his face is covered in dried blood. And still he's not dead.

‘Object three-seventeen’

Oh yes. He turns his head just a little - it feels like an exercise. Blinks.

The white coat. Still in his mask so no face expression whatsoever. And the clipboard is still there. It should be full by now. History of death that failed to take Eddie Diaz.

They don't have his name apparently. Okay so, failed to take object three-seventeen. Maybe it would be better if it doesn't fail.

‘Hyperactive immunological response. Interesting.’

The white coat writes down something else in his clipboard. Eddie cracks a smile. Well, he won't argue, it was… hyperactive.

And still… 

He blinks again and it takes some time for him to open his eyes again and when he manages it - there's a needle in his arm. Blood works, obviously. They need to get another batch of data. Because he's making science here, not friends. 

He chuckles and frowns from the instant dizziness. 

If it was an immune response. It means he should get better. Well, no. It means that the worst part is over. Hopefully.

He slowly blinks again. At least he made it through the first part of blinking. He closes his eyes.

When he opens them again - something is different.

The white coat. His mask is gone.

And his face is surprisingly enthusiastic - Eddie isn't sure he saw any emotion on that face before. Somehow it makes him hate that face even more.

‘Stand up, object three-seventeen. Slowly.’

That's fun. Like he can! 

‘You need to take a shower. Trust me. It helps.’

Eddie sharply exhales. But stands up, shivering and holding the bed.

Not because he was ordered to. Because now he feels a threat from that white coat. 

He was just another object. Just like Eddie was an object three-seventeen - he was ‘the white coat’. Not a person.

Emotions give him something too human.

Eddie knows humans are always more dangerous than objects. 

***

Eddie walks down the hall counting his own steps and holding the wall. One, two… for some reason it's reassuring. He still can walk. He still can count. 

He can count to a hundred not straying! That's good. That means he's on a five years old kid level… 

Eddie turns back just once. And he isn't surprised the white coat stays there. With a stopwatch. And a smile. Okay, this smile is surprising. Smile is scary. That's most probably a paranoia again.

He made it here. He falls down in the shower and loudly exhales. Well, his legs are working their best. He thought he would fall down in the hallway. Still he's here. 

He just sits there on the tiles holding his own knees.

Why is he still alive though? Not that he's complaining… he is. It's been so long he hasn't heard his own name. He hasn't been himself. 

He's been an object for too long now he started to believe he really is an object and nothing more. And now he's an object incapable of standing still. Incapable of turning on the water!

He just sits there fixing his breath and trying his best not to pass out because this trip - two hundred feet, he knows that from the last time - took one hundred fifteen steps and all his energy. And how he could possibly be a firefighter if he can't even walk like a normal person?!

Eddie takes another breath and freezes when he hears the voice. It's hardly audible from here but he still can catch something. Something like 

‘What do you mean… work is ongoing… i know it was officially closed…a week…two at most…i remember. It is…totally worth it..i know…we shouldn't be here… leave no traces’

The voice goes away and vanishes in the distance. But something in Eddie's head just clicks. He's not sure what specifically just yet but for some reason it gives him enough strength to stand up. And turn on the water.

Two weeks at most… for what. 

What traces?

Why does it sound so important though.

***

The way back takes even more time but the white coat was right in one thing. It did help. At least he's not sticky and definitely not covered in his own blood. He feels almost like a person at this point. Disabled and broken person. Not an object.

When Eddie gets to his room - he should be calling it his cage but he actually can leave it, the door is not locked. He just can't move enough to walk around - he sees the glass of water on the table. And, for some reason, a cup of broth. This test he recalls, he already tried to eat something under the constant watching. Broth is actually the safest option. And it could come handy. 

If the white coat wants him dead - it's quite stupid to poison him, he puts on Eddie's IV every night. 

And water and broth smell like… water and broth. Nothing more.

So he has a shower. And he has dinner. That… adds a lot to him being a person.

Surprisingly he even falls asleep like a very normal and very tired person.

And started awake. 

‘officially closed’

‘a week…two at most’

‘we shouldn't be here’ 

‘leave no traces’

It is important. It is very fucking important. Eddie knows it. It scratches his brain from the inside until it physically hurts.

Officially closed. But! Two weeks at most. Okay.

It explains tests getting much harder. It explains re-infection.

Because time is running out much faster than expected. How come though? How it could be officially closed if he's still here. He's still here. The white coat is still here. Technicians, lab personnel, everybody - he saw them, there's a lot of people still here. It's strange for something that is officially closed.

Only… if it is closed only on papers. Only officially. Official information usually is very different from facts, right? Okay. It explains the deadline. Maybe some checks. Confirmation… something.

He thinks about it so closely he misses the exact moment he dozes off.

***

He wakes up in the morning in cold fear. Somehow this puzzle was completed in his head.

Leave no traces. That is the main issue. Traces. Difference between official version and reality he lives in. The whole lab working is a giant trace. 

He is definitely a trace. His death certificate was issued in may? Yes, the white coat could have lied then. But it looks too logical to be a lie.

His death certificate was issued in may! So apparently the whole project should have been closed back in may. Now it's not may. 

There's no point in covering it at this point. There could be only one option. Erase it.

That is what ‘leave no traces’ means. 

It's not even about him specifically. It's everything.

He got the idea he wouldn't be able to leave this place alive. Now he feels he won't leave this place at all. No one will. 

It's… maybe he's wrong. God, listen, it's me, Eddie Diaz again. Please, please make me wrong!

Chapter Text

The day starts as every other day. The white coat, pulse oximeter and halter, short commands… Everything is usual. 

‘In the hallway. Start with pushups, object three-seventeen. Twenty times’

Eddie chuckles. Yesterday he spent several hours just to get to the shower. The day before yesterday… he almost died. And today - twenty pushups. For starters! 

Because apparently he's getting ready for the Olympics.

He manages to make two. He falls on the floor on the third one. And uses this small pause. He planned it before. He planned it from the second he gets the feeling it won't be lasting. 

He needs to get out. One way or another. He knows one way. He dies. He wants to check other options. Just in case.

So he falls on the floor and looks around. Yes, the position is not ideal of course. But it's not suspicious.

So. His room. Shower in two hundred feet. And the metal door with a magnet lock and code panel in… another three hundred. He won't even walk that far! Not that he would be able to open the magnet lock and a code.

He silently inhales. And freezes just a little. Inhales once more. The smell is different. It's not a standard steriliser he used to sniff every time he falls down that floor. It's… it's a solvent. A lot of solvent. The floor is soaked with it. But that makes no sense, it's a giant fire hazard… somebody obviously lost his mind in here. 

‘Object three-seventeen. Push ups. Eighteen left. Go’

Eddie slowly returns to the position. 

This solvent smell is hunting him just a bit.

***

Next time he feels something is off he can't even fully understand what specifically is off. It takes him an hour - and a very excessive experience of recalling all US presidents with a letter ‘R’ in their names while exercising. Not a very impressive thing to do but he was proud of himself he could have remembered several of them. Okay, he was mostly surprised he remembered someone in general.

Then it hits him. The air smells like hot asphalt and cars and something green. It smells like outside. Who knew you could miss the smell of asphalt? Yet, here he is, laying on the floor and sniffing the air.

He spends fifteen minutes like that before he starts thinking. Why does it smell like this here? It's a closed facility. So it's a closed ventilation loop. It should be closed. There's absolutely no way it could smell like outside.

But he feels it. It does smell like outside. That could mean two things.

First one - he's finally got insane. That's expected!

Second - the ventilation loop is not so closed anymore. 

The possibility of him gone mad is much higher! Because… 

Who would open the ventilation loop for the virus discovery lab? No one. But if the virus is gone already. Eddie hasn't seen people with masks for quite some time. And the white coat lost his mask also.

Still it feels wrong.

He takes another inhale. Hell he misses that smell.

He's not crazy. It's so-called ‘fresh air’ - at least it's what's called fresh air in Los Angeles. 

***

The fire alarm is off. Eddie watches the little gadget not blinking for half an hour.

Not blinking.

That's impossible. He knows that. So there's something wrong with him. Or maybe it's the only one that's broken?

But when the white coat comes with his usual set of torturing exercises he calls ‘standard procedure’ Eddie checks every fire alarm there is in the hallway. Not blinking.

It's not blinking damnit!

That feels like a big and old place. The floors are wooden. Walls are covered in some definitely flammable material… there is a ton of equipment only in his room. A lot of textile. Definitely a huge amount of alcohol based liquids and sterilisers. 

It's a giant torch. And somehow the fire alarm is not blinking.

And it did. It blinked yesterday. The day before. It was just so usual for him he quite quickly stopped noticing it. That's the main reason he noticed it today and can't ignore it.

He's still a firefighter. 

Eddie exhales. He gets.. not stronger, not even close. But today he managed to get to the shower in one hundred steps! And two breaks less! So he's a step closer to Chris’s pace. When he was eight. 

The fire alarm is turned off. That thing can't just leave his head. No, it makes him think about it over and over and over. 

And the ventilation is working in an open way. 

And this smell of solvent…

He holds on to the wall. 

This place is a giant torch. It's not a coincidence. It's a plan. 

Leave no trace. Well. You hardly can count ash as a trace of a secret illegal science - ‘we make science here not friends’ - facility. 

That's…

Eddie literally burst in laughing.

That's fantastic. 

For so many reasons he doesn't know where to start. 

***

Eddie can't sleep. There's uncontrollable laughter inside him making him nervous and agitated. 

He's a firefighter after all. And he's pretty sure there's going to be fire. 

Impressive. It's August? September most probably. Wildfires season. 

Oh god that's amazing. Eddie isn't religious, he's done with it a long time ago but now. Now he's ready to regain faith. 

When you've been taught how to cease fire - you got the idea how to start it. Not that it's intentional. But hell it's coming out quite handy.

He… well, there's a very limited chance to survive. But his chances to survive here are limited anyway.

He gets up. It's not very dark, it's a lab after all, there are lights around the clock. Usually it messes with his sleep if he isn't sedated. Now it's a luck.

After the day full of exercises he moves slowly but he still moves and that is another win. He's able to do it!

The room door is unlocked. Apparently he's not expected to walk. They definitely underestimated Eddie Diaz and his will to live. No. Not to live. But not to die silently.

He walks to the hall.

The main door of the sector. Twice as far as the shower. And looks legit. Eddie exhales. Speaks to himself.

‘Okay, object three-seventeen. Move your ass. YOLO, whatever’

He takes a step. Another one. He just hopes he's quiet enough and his silent counting is not audible anywhere.

He's at five thousand something when he gets to the door and hell he's exhausted and sick and he slides down the floor right in front of the code panel.

There's no point. He managed to get here, yes! He's not sure he would be able to succeed the way back. He has to though.

So there's no way he will be able to open this door. It's quite heavy. And he doesn't have the code. And a magnetic card. 

So that's not the exit. So…

He slightly looks around. So there's no exit.

That's not an issue. He knew that before. His goal is not to survive. His goal is to die as a person. 

So… this place becomes a torch. Fine. But it should be him who strikes a match.

His way back takes twice the time. 

***

The white coat comes as usual, the clipboard, halter and pulse oximeter. And the ab roller. 

So it's the same test as before re-infection. Is he insane? Does he think Eddie will do better? He failed last time.

‘Halter, pulse oximeter - you know the drill. Then the hallway. Ab roller. Just as normal. If you fall - you stand up and start over. Until I stop you’.

It sounds easy enough, thinks Eddie. If you have a proper sleep at home, proper food and you weren't almost dead three days ago and if you didn't spend the last night discovering the lack of a way out. 

For Eddie at the moment.. well he’d be surprised if he manages to do at least a one round without passing out.

He managed it. Kinda. His lungs - it's his lungs again, not his hands - give up at the third movement. Eddie falls down the floor.

‘Stand up. And start over’

So not even a small break. Interesting. Eddie tends to get up the floor and catches the wires along the baseboard. Old ones. That's strange. The equipment used by the white coat is brand new, Eddie knows that specific model of pulse oximeter. But the building in general is in a very bad shape.

‘Object three-seventeen. Stand up and start over’

Eddie holds onto the wall standing. Staggers a little. And goes back to the position.

This time he makes five rounds before falling. And stands up without command. 

Starts over.

Three. 

One, very humiliating.

Four. 

His nose starts to bleed.

Three again.

Six!

He starts to stand up and everything goes dark. 

And then the voice drills his head 

‘Stand up and start over'.

He coughs. And stands up. On the pure stubbornness he uses when there's nothing else left

‘Start over’

Eddie can't remember how he ends up in his room. Apparently he walked here - or crawls - because he finds himself on the floor near the door.

Two weeks, hey. He doesn't have this time. He just won't survive that long.

The wires are old. He knows it now. He knows even the place of the broken socket. It's burnt already but they still use it.

It's a gift for him.

***

He wakes up in the middle of the night. Still on the floor. There's a glass of water on his table and a broth he's used to already.

Moreover. When he manages to stand up he sees a fresh towel and clothes on the bed. Eddie chuckles. And gets one simple thing. If he wants to try - he needs to try now. Maybe that's the specific reason he wakes up. Maybe he just knows for sure he won't be able to do anything after tomorrow's test. Today's test almost killed him. He's still dizzy and short of breath and he feels dried blood on his face. 

He's exhausted and most probably won't be able to even get to the main door but he doesn't need to whatsoever. It's closed shut. But. If he manages to get into the shower… 

Leave no trace. But the white coat thinks he has two weeks. He - or someone else connected to him - opened the ventilation loop. Soaked every surface in solvent and turned off the fire alarm. But the building hasn't fully dried off yet. So… if Eddie's plan works - he would have enough time to actually take a shower before fire gets uncontrollable and kills him. 

He smiles. Takes the t-shirt from the bed. Well, his death robe looks proper. But firstly - food. He should have something to manage his plan. 

The last supper - broth and water are tasteless though. Oh hell he misses Buck's pastry. And Bobby's cooking. It would have been much better as a last thing to eat but he takes what he has. And maybe he would have another round of this dream… where Buck cooks waffles. 

Eddie eats very slowly. Last time he rushed and it ended poorly. He doesn't have time for it now. 

He has all his time now. He doesn't even feel the pain he feels every day. He doesn't feel anything apart from the pure fun. It is fun.

He walks down the hallway without staggering but freezes in front of the broken socket he noticed earlier. It's in use, yes.

There's dehumidifier turned on. 

Well. His shower just got shortened.

Eddie carefully goes down and moves the plug in the socket. Half way out. The humidifier is still working. 

Eddie increases the power to the highest level. Turns away and walks to the shower room. It's an old socket. It's burnt already. The plug is halfway out. He needs one spark and it should be it.

They did try to kill object three seventeen. 

Eddie Diaz kills it himself.

Chapter Text

Eddie is staying under the water when he hears a pop in the distance. Further than he expected. The light blinks but quickly regains its power - well, it's a standard to any facility to have an emergency power supply. So the light isn't strange in particular.

But there was a pop. And electrical crackling sounds somewhere. That's what is strange. It should be much much closer, in the hallway. 

The cable structure in the building is very old. It's ridiculously old. There's a possibility the short-circuit happened somewhere else. 

It doesn't change a thing though. Everything is soaked with solvent and ventilation is working at high speed running the fresh air around. 

It just gives Eddie a chance to have a proper shower. Put on fresh clothes. And hide in the corner with a damp towel used as an air filter. If he wants it. 

There should be a lot of CO - the building is old and messy and hell knows what is inside it so maybe he skips this step. He doesn't want to feel too much at this point to be fair.

The sound of the vent changes and it starts to smell smoky around. Who knew he could miss that smell?

But he does. He misses it. It's the smell of his life. It's the smell he knows. He worked in it every single day. 

When the walls get warmer he smiles and finally turns off the water. There's no way to run and he has absolutely no energy to run anyway but the instinct is strong enough. The survival instinct he thought he didn't have. That's hilarious. Everything is hilarious.

He slowly goes to the corner and sits down on the tile floor. His fresh clothes are wet. The towel he has in his hands is wet. 

He won't use it. 

There's absolutely no way he could get out of here, he's basically already dead. Still - he recalls it from the academy - it should be easier to die from CO poisoning than to be burnt alive, it's not Salem in 1700th anyway.

And then finally the ceiling light goes out with a snap and he hears a flash from the hallway. So now his system workeď out. 

He laughs. Apparently the white coat got hit first. Well. That's the price you pay messing out with Eddie Diaz!

Nobody will know he was there. 

Eddie closes his eyes. It's the perfect time to have a nap!

***

The white coat raises his eyes from the clipboard the second something pops outside. Quite close to his room. Too close. 

He steps outside and freezes, watching the scene in some kind of denial. It's a fuse box. It's sparkling and smoking and the wall around it starts to smolder. That's… unexpected. That's too early. And he didn't start it. The wood in the building isn't fully dried, it could leave something behind, he planned to burn it all down in two days. He has a schedule actually, he's a scientist! How is he expected to work in such a mess?

He could have been sleeping right now. He could have missed it. He could have survived. 

That's not an option. Nobody here has a right to survive. They know too much. Even if they don't know none. 

The experiment was officially closed. Back in may. It's September now.

CDC finally started questioning where the money went. And where the money is still going. 

There will be audits and checks and visits. In two weeks - because it's CDC. It's a giant machine that takes some time to start moving. 

There should be nothing here left by the moment that machine finally moves. It won't be anything. Ashes, maybe.

He slowly exhales, calming himself. So yes, yes it is early, yes. His hands are trembling just a little and he clenches his fists to stop it. It doesn't change a thing. The doors are already locked. The ventilation is working well - it's working even too well, he can hear the sound of it getting louder. And he didn't start it. He didn't start the fire. That's actually a good thing. He's a scientist, not a maniac, right? So it's not him killing all these people! That's.. actually quite relieving. 

So maybe he just needs to add some alcohol to the archive and call it a day. 

All the data is uploaded already. Yes, there are several tests missing but - he looks down the hall at the locked door to c-block. The walls are slightly orange. So there's a fire already. - there's no one to provide tests on anymore. And he finished the main work, his thesis is perfect. 

Now… What should he do now?

Fire is going down the floor and bites into the solvent soaked wood like into the ice-cream. 

He goes back to his room, takes a bottle of cheap spirit and takes a big sip. He needs it.

Then goes out to the archive. 

The fire is slow for some reason or maybe it just looks slow - still he can hear screaming starts in the lab rooms. Well. He should be sorry, apparently. But he's not. 

It was worth it. Everything was worth it.

He takes another sip and rushes to the archive. He needs to speed up with his run. Or slow down with his drink. He prefers running of course.

He hopes he won't meet anyone in a hall though. He's not in the mood for explaining.

***

‘You did this!’

He's pushed to the wall with an arm on his throat by his own employee! That's unacceptable!

‘Elaborate?’

The white coat smiles and tries to get rid of the hand but the grip gets only stronger

‘Don't try to mess with me. You're the owner of this circus. There's no way you didn't have your hands on this fire!’

‘You’ll be surprised…’

The arm is finally gone. The white coat takes a breath and proceeds 

‘But it's not on me’

‘Of course. And I'm an Easter bunny.’

‘Listen…’

The doctor - their MD actually - scoffs 

‘My zone is a giant bonfire and I suppose there's no survivors already. All doors are locked, power is out and we're now acting as chicken nuggets in the oven. And you know what? I didn't finish my report!’

That's the thing he's really worried about.

‘And yet you're here, not trying to help someone?’

‘Oh spare me, we go outside - we get behind the bars for good. I'm going to the invest lab’

The white coat raises his eyebrows 

‘... My report, remember? And I don't want to be roasted chicken. So I sedate myself. I’m a medic after all’

That's actually a great idea. The white coat grins and fixes his glasses. Takes a sip from his bottle - he should have taken two, he drinks too fast. And giggles 

‘You're a medic, yes, yet you're not saving people’

The hand is back to his throat 

‘Shut up. I saved your object back in may!’

‘And yet you've signed the death certificate. And proceeds with the tests. Hell, re-infection was your idea!’

‘And it worked!’

‘You're not really a Hippocratic kinda doctor, are you? You're Mengele!’

There's a pause. Then their MD takes his hands back to his pocket and takes a step aside 

‘It pays. I'll add my report to the cloud. And now farewell. It wasn't a pleasure.’

He turns away and goes to the invest lab. Walls around him are on fire and it actually looks…quite biblical. The white coat takes another sip. And he's back on track.

***

Fire started slowly but grows pretty instantly - solvent and ventilation created a perfect duo for the inferno in one specific lab building. That wasn't surprising for Eddie and wasn't surprising for the white coat. But it was definitely a shock for everyone else working there. 

One of the lab girls senselessly beeping her card again and again

‘My card isn't working!’

There's a lot of smoke and coughs around but some tech somehow remain calm

‘Try once more. I'm not surprised that the fire alarm isn't working - this building is basically an antique garbage bin - but the entrance lock is pretty new, I remember it was maintained like a month ago… Why are you just sitting here all settled?!..Wait a second, are you smoking?! You insane!’

There's another coughing and cheesy speech 

‘If you try to read your contract - small text on the seventeenth page - you would remember that all the locks here are fail secure, not fail safe. We worked with a deadly virus in the end. By the way - that's it. That's the end’

‘Shut up! Okay, then we need something powerful enough to reboot the lock and then..’

The tech guy inhales both his cigarette and surrounding smoke and giggles 

‘And we have to do it four times to get to the main entrance. Good fucking luck, I'm staying here.’

‘You’ll die here!’

‘We’ll all die here. Hey, does someone have Spotify? We need music for our last dance!’

He inhales once more and starts humming some pop songs.

‘Okay, positive you're insane. Hey, girl,a little help here. I think there should be a window behind this drawer. Maybe we can… i can see the floor is on fire, that's why I'm trying to do something!’

The cigarette guy turns his head 

‘So you've never heard of physics before? Good for you but I don't recommend… stop it!’

He finally drops his half-burnt Marlboro on the glowing floor and jumps to the window. And he's late just for a split second

‘No last dance for me…’

The window breaks before being open and it feeds fire to the point it flares up engulfing the room in a moment.

***

He hated this song long before his marriage but now he hates it even more mostly because his wife set it on repeat every time they go for a car trip

‘I swear I'll throw your phone away if I hear Nickelback once again, Edith!’

She crinkles her nose but turns it off

‘It's classic rock by the way, much better than what was it?’

‘AC/DC is a classic and … do you see that?’

She turns her head right in the moment he hits the brakes

‘It's… smoke’

‘In California. In Topanga. Not a good sign. In the wildfire season especially. Call 911. Hell, we need to get out of here.’

She nods and dials the number 

‘9-1-1, What's your emergency?’

‘There's a fire… near Topanga… right over the three-one mile sign. Topanga Canyon boulevard. I think… I think..’

‘Edith, tell them the wind is growing and it bows towards the hill. West side.’

‘It's east side Jay! So yes, there's a wind and… ‘

‘Ma’am can you specify what exactly is on fire?’

She takes a breath and looks through the window 

‘I believe it's a warehouse or something like that. It's fully involved. I can see flames through the roof and it's getting bigger!’

‘Got it. Ma’am you should move to a safe location. I suggest up the hill one hundred yards minimum’

‘Tell them I have a fire extinguisher in my truck so…’

‘We can help until firefighters are here and.. Jay, she says no and asks to move quickly!’

‘I know, I know, I'm driving! Oh fuck, fire is spreading fast, look, the roof collapsed!’

Edith is still on the phone with the dispatch when they both hear the sirens. Only then she ends the call and turns to her husband

‘You know what? It's the most stupid picnic we have had in years! Some music maybe?’

And she puts on ‘Highway to hell’

***

So it's been five minutes. Six tops. And his nap is over. Eddie frowns and moves from the wall. It's getting hot and he was never a fan of a sauna. 

And that was the last moment Eddie could feel the time running at least hardly accurately. After it gets sticky and stretches like a slime Chris had several years ago. 

The light is out but it's not really dark in the shower room - there's gleams of flames from under the door and the mirror became a flat disco ball straight from hell. He smiles and coughs. Husky and dry because the air is getting hot and heavy. The water on the tiles evaporates, smoke runs through the room from the door to the vent and Eddie is just there. Getting smoked as a piece of bacon. He would fancy a big fried egg with bacon right now by the way or this strange thing with bacon and caramel that Buck cooks when he feels ‘posh’ as he calls himself. 

Eddie feels dizzy and tired and now he could maybe consider the wet towel but he lost it somewhere already and he's definitely not conscious enough to look for it. And… for now it's absolutely senseless. 

He just lies down on the floor - it's still bearable to touch - and watches the fire reflections on the ceiling dancing in the heavy black smoke. 

The sound around is basically deafening, he forgot how loud it is when the building is dying in a flame. Something is popping, growling and falling down around his little tile cage.

At least the shower door is still holding up. On the last straw, definitely, the door knob is so hot it glows red as Rudolph's nose. 

And the smell. The smell is awful to be fair, it's a mix of wood, paper, plastic and solvent… His head is heavy and his thoughts are messy but he catches this rational question - how much solvent did they waste here - and laughs.

Eddie knows for sure how the CO works. And he knows for sure there is CO. Even if he can't smell it. He just hopes it will work faster than the heat. He definitely doesn't want to feel… but he feels it already. Just a hint. As he looks at himself and feels himself from a distance. He still feels it. He feels his breathing getting shallow and frequent, smells and smoke hurting his throat and lungs. And the tiles under his back are warming up too fast.

He doesn't want to die, to be fair. Not now and not like that. 

He misses his son so much.

And he misses Evan. So fucking much.

He died once with that name on his lips.

He's doing it again now.

Chapter Text

Athena knocks before opening the captain's door.

‘Sergeant Grant… Athena. Close the door, it's private. And sit down, please. We need to talk’

Athena scoffs just a little before taking a chair in front of Elaine.

‘Long time you've been so serious, Elaine. Did I do something wrong?’

Captain Maynard exhales 

‘Are you still exploring documents about this firefighter, Diaz?’

Athena purses her lips

‘There's too many strange things’

‘It's not our business and not our division and you know it!’

Elaine takes out the folder marked ‘Classified CDC’. Then takes the first page from it

‘Athena, listen. You bothered CDC to the boiling point. I've got it today. For you’

Elaine hands the page to Athena. She takes it and starts reading. A lot of classified fields, a lot of black lines. But there's Eddie's name. And the general information is also there. 

Athena prefers otherwise.

‘Original Declaration of Death: 17 April'

She knows that. Eddie died on 17th April because they were at that lab on 17th April. Because she was there. But it does say ‘original’.. she looks further 

‘Actual Date of Physiological Death: 11 May

Reason for discrepancy:

██████████████████████████████████████████████████████

Container authorized for release 14 May 

Condition of container:

— Seal intact.

— No external damage.

— No verification permitted prior to transfer. (Per Protocol ███).’

Everything else on the page is blacked out. 

She reads it three times. Then raises her eyes to Elaine.

‘That's… unacceptable. And that doesn't explain anything! How come they have different dates? Where is the reason for discrepancy? Why did we get the coffin with a certificate issued on 17th of April only on 15th of May?!’

She takes a breath and puts the page on the table. Touches her forehead 

‘What happened between April and May? It's been a month!’

Elaine looks around. Inhales sharply 

‘Well, Athena… As your captain I shouldn't show this to you. As a person though… most probably I still shouldn't. I'll do it anyway. Because you must stop bothering the CDC. I've got a very strict notice about you. Here.’

She hands her another two pages from the folder. And proceeds in a very soft voice,

‘It's rough. I'm sorry.’

Athena starts reading and holds her breath 

‘APRIL LOG —

19 APR – 03:32

Acute respiratory collapse. CPR initiated.

*Resuscitation: 9 min. Return of spontaneous circulation achieved.

21 APR – 16:48

Febrile seizure. Assisted ventilation applied.

No loss of pulse recorded.

24 APR – 11:05

Cardiac bradyarrhythmia.

Stabilized after 4 min.

28 APR – 02:11

Unresponsive. BP unreadable.

*Resuscitation: 6 min. Partial recovery.

Subject classified as “non-viable”'

She silently swears. And there's more!

‘MAY LOG —

07 MAY – 14:19

Oxygen saturation below 60%.

No external intervention approved.

09 MAY– 05:26

Cardiac arrest.

*Resuscitation: 7 min.

Prognosis: non-survivable.

(REDACTED: ██ )

11 MAY– 15:37

Multiple system failure. Pulse thready → absent.

*Resuscitation: 17 min. Unsuccessful.

Time of physiological death recorded: 15:54.

Body classified for sealed transfer.’

So that's what happened between April and may… she reads the words but doesn't see the full picture yet, surprisingly her mind tries to protect her.

‘That's... That can't be right ’

‘You’ve never seen that. Not you nor anyone. And you'll stop asking. Now - dismissed’

The empty folder goes back to the desk. Athena isn't sure it's empty. She isn't sure she needs something more right now.

Folded four times pages are burning her skin through her uniform and she has no idea if she shall dispose of them or keep them now.

***

Buck sits in the engine and still looks around with panic.

‘I ..’

‘Stop. Now we have work to do. We’ll talk later. Buck, I'm here. Just breathe’

Buck slowly blinks and raises his eyes at Chim. Just for a moment. Then goes back to watching his own shaking hands. 

‘I did lose the person I love.’ The person he loves… Eddie. That's it.

That is what it has been. For all that time. That's…

Buck feels physically sick and he pressed his face to the window trying to cool himself. The person he loves…

Eddie. That person is Eddie. 

And Eddie is dead now. Eddie doesn't know!

Buck gasps. He's definitely unfit for duty right now. He can see his own hands are still shaking.

‘The person he loves’...

Oh for fuck sake why now, why did he get it now he doesn't need it! He doesn't know how to live with it. Without Eddie. 

Buck misses the second Bobby starts his short briefing. He misses all the briefing in general. 

He didn't get it on time. So Eddie died not knowing this. Eddie died alone.

Buck quietly howls. 

He doesn't even try to cover this thought. And he doesn't deny this thought. Because… It's true. He loves Eddie. It's not an issue in particular. He should have known that long ago, that's the issue!

Eddie should have known that!

Eddie…shouldn't have died.

***

He notices Chimney following him when he's opening the crushed car on the crossroad. That's annoying.

‘What?!’

‘I just thought… You don't look very sound, let's call it that way. So it's better I'm watching you.’

‘I’m fine, Chim. It's Eddie who's dead!’

Chim exhales and fixes jaws of life in Buck's hands

‘I know. Buck. We all miss him’

‘That's… that's not the same. Chim.’

Jaws cut the metal

‘Did you … did you know?’

That's tricky. Did he know? Everyone knew. 

Chim opens his mouth but Buck is faster

‘No, not it - Maddie knew so you definitely knew. Did… did he know?’

And Chim thought his previous question was tricky. But to be fair… at least Buck doesn't ask the other way around. 

‘I… I don't think so, Buck… careful!’

Buck finishes and opens the car with sharp and short movements.

‘I… I thought so. Okay, sir, we're getting you out, please, don't move’

***

Chim catches Bobby after the call. It's the end of their shift and Bobby tries to get everything done today because - in his own words - ‘he’s tired of missing his wife's life’. Chim can get it but today is an emergency!

‘Bobby. You… you should talk to Buck. Now. I mean…’

Bobby nods

‘I saw him on the call today. He was pretty distant but… he's grieving, Chim. We can't rush him here.'

‘That's different. Bobby, he grieved his best friend Eddie. Now he's grieving… the person he loves’

Bobby slowly closes his eyes and exhales. Then goes back to Chim 

‘Please be more specific’

‘It's a quote. You have to talk to him, I… I'm not sure somebody else could slow him now’

Bobby nods and hands Chim the pile of papers

‘Should be closed and moved to HR.’

***

Buck isn't at the station. And his car is also not there. Bobby takes his phone. Dials. No answer.

Where could Buck go? Maddie? She's at work, Buck won't go to dispatch now, there are too many people.

Home? Maybe… no. Chris. Buck is a good parent. Chris needs him too much.

Then… then there's only one place.

***

Buck is sitting on the grave and looks at the gravestone without blinking.

‘You died… you left me. And you didn't know… I also didn't! But now… now I do and you're not here! How could you not be here?’

Bobby carefully comes closer. Buck doesn't notice him. He's all into his speech.

‘That's so unfair… you've had to stay in Texas!’

Buck doesn't cry. He just looks at the numbers. ‘1991-2025’. Bobby stays next to him

‘Buck…’

Buck doesn't look up.

‘He died, Bobby. He died alone… He died not knowing… I should have got it sooner!’

That hurts. Bobby sits next to him

‘You was his best friend anyway. So you still was his closest person’

‘Yes but. He… he wasn't loved much. For who he is. He always pretends. He always performs. He always feels that he has to be someone else…’

Bobby slowly blinks. He recalls Eddie back in the lab

‘That's the first time in my life I don't have to be anything’

Buck's right. Buck knows Eddie better than anyone.

But still he doesn't know…

It hurts more 

He doesn't know. And he won't know. It will kill him. For now he's grieving his ‘what if’. If he knows - he would be grieving his unfulfilled future. 

Buck sharply exhales. And finally breaks into tears. 

***

She sits in the kitchen with a cup of so strong coffee it could be used as a weapon. It's two or three in the morning and she isn't sure. 

Athena looks at pages she's got from Elaine several days ago. She can repeat everything that's not blacked out there. It doesn't make sense. Any sense at all.

She closed her eyes. Back in April right after the lab. It was… she can't say it was painful, no. It was messy and Bobby literally hanged on the phone asking when he would be able to pay respect to his teammate.

And all that time his teammate didn't actually need to be paid respect. Hell no. He needed…

She squeezes the cup. No.

That's insane. Literally insane. He was kept alive for a month!

Constantly resuscitated. Marked as 'non-viable' and still!

She exhales so loudly Bobby, coming from the bedroom gets a jumpscare.

‘Athena? Is everything alright? Maybe you could go back to bed?’

She exhales again. He comes closer.

She should hide these papers. But she doesn't hide them.

First Bobby sees - not even dates. No, he catches the worst part of all. He sees logs. Maybe it's professional. He takes the pages from her. Reads silently. Puts them back.

And says nothing. But she sees his hands trembling when he takes her cup.

That night no one sleeps at Grant - Nash.

***

 ‘How many people know that?’

It's fifteen to four when Bobby finally speaks. He made a fresh batch of coffee and sat in front of his wife, hands locked on his cup, knuckles white and steady.

Athena looks at the pages once more 

‘Me and Elaine. Now you. I highly doubt Elaine showed it to someone else, she's not a talker and… that's CDC. And that's basically…’

She inhales

‘That's a torture confession. For a month. Torture of LAFD member. And…’

She stops abruptly. Because yes. It's a torture confession and a murder confession wrapped in bureaucracy. With a ‘Confidential’ bow. 

Bobby slowly takes a sip

‘No one else could ever know that. Especially people close to…’

He can't say the name. If he does it - he confirms to himself that it happened with a person he knows. The person he respects.

Bobby takes another sip.

Eddie chose his fate. He was pretty sure he'd die. He agreed to that. Bobby let him make that choice.

But none of them consented to that. 

But Bobby left one of his team to die alone. He should have been there. He should have been there till the very end. Maybe in that case… Eddie still died, yes. Back in April.

Not being…

He stops himself. No. Not Eddie. Never connect this information to the man who tried to do something good.

The cup in his hands is clinking just a little when he takes another sip.

It was so much easier to not know.

***

They are on the Ventura freeway when the dispatch calls

‘118? I can see you in Woodland Hills. There's a structure fire in Topanga, possible spread to brush’

Bobby checks his tablet.

‘On it. Okay guys, new call. Turn to the Topanga canyon boulevard’

He turns on the sirens and checks again. Approximately six to eight minutes. Not perfect but acceptable. They'll be there first.

Meanwhile Ravi raises his eyes from his phone he was stuck on. Looks around.

‘Sorry, Bobby, did you say Topanga?’

He goes back to his tiktok feed and starts quickly scrolling it back. 

‘Ravi, it's not the time for your funny videos and another ‘ten celebrities living in Topanga’, we're in LA, celebs are everywhere…’

‘No, no, that's not it. I saw a livestream like a minute.. maybe two minutes ago. With a big warehouse fire. I believe it's the same fire we're going. I thought it's some BTS from the new season of ‘Hotshots’. Where's it.. oh, yes, found it. Topanga Canyon, down the hill, right?’

‘Yes’

Bobby looks at the window. There's smoke already seen. A lot of it. September and a structure fire in Topanga sounds like the beginning of the catastrophe. Or maybe he just saw too much of it. 

Ravi scrolls through his feed by the geotag now. And suddenly and very loudly gasps.

‘There are people inside?! Someone tried to open the window!’

That changes everything. Bobby swears

‘Speed up then. Dispatch,118, we have possible victims inside the structure. Report based on civilian footage. ETA engine 118..’

He checks his tablet and the road

‘Three minutes. Ravi, are you sure?’

It actually doesn't matter. If they have any doubts - they take the worst scenario. 

‘Pretty much..’

Everyone in the engine hopes it's a mistake. Somehow everyone in the engine knows it's not. 

Chapter Text

They are the first to arrive - apart from dozens of people with smartphones streaming the fire constantly which is quite ironic. And quite dangerous - the fire is spreading and bushes around are already smouldering. Bobby takes incident control on him and starts from calling the dispatch to get air support.

‘Okay, team. People inside are the highest priority. Hen - prepare the triage, Chim - open medical zone, Buckley, Dia…’

He stutters and inhales 

‘Buckley, Panikkar - first inside check.’

Ravi scoffs and looks at Buck. He definitely wants to say something like ‘I told you so’ but he sees Buck's face… and says something else 

‘Let's go, I'm right behind you.’

Buck nods, basically screaming inside. Just because yes, yes, it'll be so much easier to work with Eddie now. Ravi is good but Buck could work with Eddie with no words at all. They just complemented each other. 

It's an old building so it shouldn't be a problem to get inside until it is. Buck looks at the door. It's smoking around but it has a biometrical lock and a melted code panel. And it's locked. 

New locks usually open when something is wrong, it's a safety thing. Why is this specific thing locked?

‘We need to cut it open. Ravi…’

He's already on it - he runs back from the engine with tools. He's good, really. A great firefighter. He's just not Eddie.

There are several more stations coming here and Buck hears short commands Bobby gives about securing the surroundings, assisting Chim and so on.

He just saws through the door.

And when it finally falls down - they get another surprise. And a wave of hot air and smoke right to their faces

It's an airlock vestibule. Right after the door. Okay, it was an airlock vestibule. Now it's something burnt down and partially melted but there's no open fire and that's great.

There are other stations coming right after them, Buck sees 127, 133 and even more.

And Bobby's voice in his helmet gives commands. It's just commands but it is reassuring for the reason Buck doesn't know. 

First priority - to find people, every team has a thermal imager for that. 

No heroism, says Bobby in the end, and Buck chuckles, going down the hall. That should be dark but there are emergency lights and things that definitely don't belong to the warehouse. It belongs to the hospital for example. Or veterinary station. Something like that.

And there's so much smoke it's hard to see in two feet even with emergency lights and flashlights they all have.

And somewhere there are people. Now Buck is pretty sure there are. This place doesn't look abandoned.

And it doesn't look like a warehouse!

***

The next door is also locked. If the first time Buck spent a minute to break the lock now he's got the system. He doesn't get why there are so many closed doors though.

He doesn't get a lot of things.

‘Look, there's a fire alarm…it doesn't work. And sprinklers also’

That's Ravi. He's very attentive.

‘There's fire behind the next door’ - that's someone from 133 Buck can't recall a name. 

He blinks and goes to the next door. How many closed doors are there? 

That's definitely not a warehouse!

‘Prepare the hose, we need to cease the initial fire to proceed!’

Buck starts to saw. That door is hot - he can see the doorframe is crackling and smoking. And he takes a step back right after the lock is done, leaving 133 to turn on the water.

There's a literal wall of fire and smoke - and the steam right after the water comes in. 

It looks like hell just a little. And somewhere there should be people!

They comes inside.

‘Buckley to IC, that's not the warehouse. There's a two-wings structure with the middle part…’

Buck shortly exhales and proceeds

‘Starting to thermal imager search’

Then it's just work. Buck actually feels at ease when he's working. Even with Ravi.

Ravi's great.

Their squad stays in the middle part checking door by door and getting more hopeless with every next one.

There were people, definitely. Most of them didn't make it. 

Buck looks at the wall just watered and frowns. It isn't seen under the mask but it's still here

‘The cable structure. That's what caused the flames. And…’

He touches burnt wood. Looks closer. It's a little oily.

‘And there's something else? I'm not..’

‘I found something! Next room, further corner. A thermal imager shows a possible survivor!’

Ravi… he acts like a search dog - he's too enthusiastic. Which, actually, is a good thing!

Buck looks at the strange burnt pattern once more and turns over 

‘Then go!’

***

‘There's flame right next to the entrance but there's a cold spot in the corner and…’

Ravi turns to the team and gasps so loudly even Bobby hears it through the radio 

‘Panikkar? Status!’

‘There’s... Buck! Turn over, there's a man!’

Buck looks back so fast his neck hurts. Ravi's right.

127 stays on track to the possible survivor and Buck runs to the man in the hall. He's coming from the left side of the smoked hall, his white coat is burnt a little and he holds a bottle in his hands 

‘Sir?!’

The guy looks at him and Buck shivers. He saw a lot of victims. Shock, panic, denial - all of it. This guy is different. He's suspiciously calm.

Buck checks visuals.

Maybe though he's just drunk - the bottle he holds is vodka

‘Did you find our doctor?’

There was a doctor. What place is it?!

The guy keeps talking 

‘He should have been in the right wing… he looks nothing like me. We're twins’

He's messed up. Possible CO poisoning?

Buck comes closer and holds the man's shoulder 

‘We need to get you out’

Hen’s triage zone is next to the main entrance where 133 ceased the flame totally. Hen needs to evaluate him.

Buck tries to softly drag him when the man starts to laugh

‘You have to find him! I'm not going through this alone!’

Through what? Okay, triage first and..

‘Sir… how many people were here?’

The man takes a sip - Buck instantly takes the bottle from his hand - he thought it was vodka but it's marked ethanol 70% and that guy just drank it! - and Ravi keeps looking at him waiting for an answer 

‘Hell knows, fifty something?’

Ravi slightly nods. And asks further - when Buck with that man is next to the doorframe already 

‘If there's a basement or something?’

The pause is noticeable 

‘Yes. We have a technical store underground. Lab rats, the object.. nothing interesting. My brother should be in the right wing, there's his office!’

Ravi nods again and Buck finally gets this strange person down to Hen.

He's staggering but it could be alcohol. Or CO. Or stress. He does look stressed. But wrongly stressed.

And his burns… hands and face are in a bad shape. Like he looked at fire for some time.

But, thinks Buck, handing the man to Hen, it doesn't matter now. So, right wing.

It looked fully blazed. 

***

The right wing is hard to approach, flames are eating the floor deeply in the hall and ceiling is falling down with big blocks. There was something on the wall, probably some information table but it's fully melted now. And there's a mark where the fire alarm sensor was but the said sensor is gone. It didn't work anyway. When the 133 elevates the pressure of water, smoke and steam are so strong the whole hall disappears in it.

Ravi and one of the 133 look through the thermal imager. Ravi takes the inner side l and the other guy - the outer one. 

Ravi stops first 

‘Nothing. The temperature is extremely high everywhere.’

‘There are two slightly colder places down the hall. But…’

There's a shocking noise and the floor falls down surrendering to flame and water.

‘Buckley, 118. To IC - The right wing is fully collapsed. That's not a warehouse.’

Buck looks down. There's a blazing corridor. With several doors.

‘Ravi… ‘

Ravi is already checking his thermal imager.

‘I see one possible hiding place. But that guy said there should be someone in the right wing?’

Buck looks at him. Then at 133. Back to Ravi 

‘We’re firefighters. Not suicides. The right wing is out of reach. There's still the left side of the building. Like left wing or something. And the basement - we can see it now. Buckley to IC..’

‘I heard. 127 alpha is working in the central hall, charlie is helping on triage and transportation, 133 bravo to the left wing… Buckley, Panikkar. Basement is yours’

Buck turns on the water trying to cease as much fire as he can from the top. Ravi searches for the entrance 

‘It would be funny… found it! And the cold zone is quite close to the entrance’

Buck keeps watering the fire. And thinks.

They'll go down. To the cold zone. And there would be rats. So they could waste precious time on rats instead of people. Rats and objects.

He stops for a second and increases the water pressure.

The object. Maybe the best rat. Or a rabbit!

***

Yet… they're going to the basement. Luckily enough Buck took the flame under control from the hall. When they open the door - another door closed shut with a melted magnet lock and card socket - there's a corridor wide enough to walk. 

But the smoke and steam are so heavy the visibility is close to none.

‘Buckley to IC. We're in the basement, starting to search. It won't be long’

Of course it won't be long. Buck looks around. The hall is mostly destroyed by fire, he saw it from upstairs. Now he can only see the thermal scheme on the imager while Ravi holds the hose keeping watering the floor and walls.

There's something. Two or three hundred feet from here. The cold spot that could be a human - or a number of rat cages stacked together.

‘That way. Ravi, clear the route. We're lucky ceiling is already collapsed here’

Ravi slightly chuckles. He doesn't think they are lucky in any way possible. They just lost the whole wing where could be people waiting for help. 

Judging by Buck's pace and lack of searching adrenaline he thinks the same. But they have an order so they follow it.

Buck gets to the door. It's - finally - not secured, just closed shut. It was closed shut. For now it's holding in the door frame as a favour.

And it seems that there's something that makes air and smoke move a bit right under the door.

‘Ravi?’

‘On it’

He comes closer with a hose ready to cease the blaze if there'd be one.

Buck pushes the door. It takes him two attempts to open it.

There's no fire. There's… there's a shower room? Covered with tiles.

And there's something on the floor. 

Buck holds his breath

‘Lab rats. The object’

He can cross his heart it's not a rat. It's a human being. Is it 'the object'?

He runs closer. Checks the vitals. 

‘Alive! Let's get him out, Ravi, I need your hand. Buckley, Panikkar to IC, we found one, getting out to Hen!’

Buck tries to hold the person and sees - by the very corner of his eye - the lip movement. He doesn't hear anything, and it's just a movement.

Very familiar one.

***

Hen, checking someone already with an empty face, loudly exhales and puts a black mark on the body. Turns around and takes a quick look at the person Buck and Ravi just took out of the building. And then her face changes. She gets into emergency mode.

Checks the pulse, airways, breathing, swears a little. Checks the temp.

‘That's a miracle you managed to get him here alive. Chimney, code red, we need you here! Critical CO poisoning, I'm starting the ventilation but we need a pressured O2’

She puts a red mark on the person and an ambu-bag, pumping it while Chim comes closer with a bag.

‘Finally, someone I can help!’

And then he works silently.

Buck hears Bobby’s command to go back. Ravi is already half way back to the building. 127 needs hands.

Buck can't move.

This… person. He has tattoos on his arms. Just like… and Eddie thought he was original.

‘Buck, out the way!.. i need a monitor!’

Chim cuts the t-shirt on that guy to put the sensors. Buck just stays there.

He can see this person's ribs! That's strange. Why is he in such bad shape?

And there's so many scars.

Buck still stands there. He doesn't know why.

He looks at one of the scars. The bullet one.

‘Buck, for fuck sake, you saved him and now you try to take it back?! Move! I take him to the hospital, Han to IC…’

Buck slowly takes a step back to not interfere with Chimney's route. 

Another step.

Tattoos just like Eddie's.

Another step - he goes back to work as Bobby said.

The scar from the bullet. Buck remembers the taste of the blood.

Another step.

This lips movement.

It…

It was

…

He turns back right at the door and runs back to the EMT car.

It can't be real. 

But it is. 

Because it wasn't just a movement. It was ‘Evan’

Chapter Text

Buck stops running only when he hits the EMT car. Chim is already inside, setting everything

‘I’m going with you’

‘Buck, it's not the time!’

Buck is already inside. Staring at the person lying on the gurney. He doesn't even blink. That just can't be true. It can't be him.

‘I’ll help. I'll do everything needed. Chim…’

He doesn't proceed, he doesn't know how. He can't tell the reason he needs to be here, Chim would think he's insane. He himself thinks it's insane. Eddie died. Back in April. That can't be him.

But something inside Buck is screaming right now. 

It is him it's him it's Eddie it's him

Chim looks at him with a long sigh.

‘Fine. I don't have time to argue. IC, Han and Buckley en route to Cedar Sinai transferring the patient’

The answer is pretty quick 

‘Why is Buck there?!’

Chim looks at Buck. He managed to hand him an ambu bag and now Buck is pumping. Very concentrated. Very steady. Basically ideally. And he stares at the patient so close like he tries to find something. His reason to be here apparently. That is hard to explain shortly.

‘I… need a hand.’

It's not a lie in particular. It's just not the reason. But it's the most he can say. There's a short pause when Chim gets the EMT monitor connected and looks at numbers. Numbers are bad. 

‘We have to go now!’

His radio is silent for another second. When the car takes off - only there's Bobby's voice 

‘Fine. Explain later’.

Chim doesn't answer. He just doesn't have time for it, starting the IV in the moving vehicle.

And Buck is just holding the ambu-bag, pumping with a count. Still staring.

***

Numbers are bad. And they're getting worse. 

Buck knows it's a standard situation. Buck hates it now. His hands with an ambu are steady, he's professional. Inside… Inside is another story. Staring didn’t help. Then he needs a new plan. He just won't look. That's easy. Don't look, don't think, don't give your stupid hope any chance cause there's no way it's Eddie.

Yet it's him. Buck can't explain it even to himself. He tries to find a solo logical explanation for this person to be Eddie. There's none. And it is Eddie.

The monitor beeps - it's beeping constantly but now it's another sound. A more scary one. It's not a flat line. It's like a prelude to a flat line. 

He glances at Chim. Chim is surprisingly pale, which is strange. He should be used to this. Definitely not his first rodeo. Chim works with IV, then checks the numbers again. 

He doesn't say anything but Buck knows it. It's not his first rodeo either. If they're not in hospital in several minutes - lights and sirens won't be necessary anymore. 

He can't imagine that. He tries - he needs to distract himself. Anything will do. Even that. 

If they lose this person now. If it is Eddie. Well, at least they won't need to pay for the funeral again.

The laughter is boiling inside him. And stops abruptly when he looks at the monitor again. He needs to lay his sight somewhere. 

The monitor doesn't care about him, that's for sure. The monitor just shows numbers. Of the person actively dying.

Buck can't afford laughing now. He can't afford anything now. Only the ambu bag in his hands keeps pumping. Because according to the numbers - he's breathing for that guy.

And he knows. 

He won't be able to stop. 

Chim says something, the driver answers

Buck counts his own bag movements.

Chim calls the hospital.

Buck counts.

ETA three minutes. It's only forty five pumps. He can do it. 

There's one.

***

For some reason - Buck is pretty sure it's his bad luck - the oxygen level runs down when they're right in front of the hospital. To the numbers Buck can't even realise. He sees it. He reads it. He knows what it means. But his brain freezes at the moment, blocking the understanding part. The ambu bag is still in his hands. He's still counting. Thirty three. 

It seems like it doesn't matter anymore. The pulse elevates drastically and it's not a good sign. 

Chim sees it also. Buck has no idea Chim could swear like that. 

Buck has no idea Chim could move so fast.

Buck apparently doesn't know anything about him.

Or he just doesn't know… something about him. Something that makes him eagerly calm and professional at the moment and at the same time swearing like a drunk sailor.

It's definitely not realistic but somehow Buck hears the monitor sound better than their sirens. 

Buck is still counting. He squeezes the ambu every four seconds. 

Even when EMT doors open. Even when the driver and nurses take the gurney out.

Even when Chim starts CPR. 

Buck is just there. 

He counts.

It's forty eight when someone takes the ambu from him. The nurse. She keeps his rhythm and slightly moves him back when the gurney - surrounded by medical personnel - hides behind the doors.

It can't be Eddie there.

Buck was at the funeral. Buck was at the cemetery. 

Eddie died in April.

Buck's brain knows it. He saw the death certificate. Buck's brain knows what reality is. 

Buck's heart… Buck's heart doesn't. 

***

Chim gets out the doors in ten minutes. Buck sits next to the wall but stands up to meet him. And tries his best to read his face. No luck. And Chim doesn't say anything! He just looks at Buck, noticing his shallow breathing and shaking hands - Buck can't control it since the very second the ambu bag was taken from him. Chim gets it. He's also quite shaken. But he saw… things. And he knows it will be going down pretty darn fast from this point. 

‘Buck… we need to talk. But firstly I need to..’

‘Is he alive? Is it … Chim!’

Chimney drops his head 

‘He's alive. Barely. And.. no, Buck, I can't, I really have to make a call, it's important’

‘Chimney!’

Chim finally raises his eyes at Buck. Buck looks desperate. His whole body is vibrating and pale and his panic - or something similar, very strong - could be touched.

Chim hid the information once. Not intentionally… not fully intentionally. Buck was crushed. He can't do it now. It could kill him. Again. And Chim surrenders.

‘I.. I think so. It's impossible, there's no…’

Buck doesn't listen. He's already under the doors looking through the glass window down the hall. His hand blindly holds the door handle like he wants to open it and he's afraid of it at the same time.

Chimney comes closer 

‘Buck, keep it together! We don't know anything yet. It's just… there are… signs’

‘He called me.’

Buck’s glued to the small window, he doesn't even turn back.

‘He… he called me ‘Evan’. Chim it's not a sign or coincidence it's..’

‘Buck. He couldn't… talk in that condition. This guy is… he shouldn't be alive, he definitely couldn't call you. I need to make a call now’

He exhaustedly exhales 

‘Please. Stay here, I'll be in a minute’

There's no point to ask. Buck won't go anywhere. 

Then, in April, Bobby walked him away. Now there's nothing in this world able to tear him from the glass.

***

It hits him when he dials Athena's number. So badly Chim has to hold onto the wall.

It can't be. 

Chim is pretty sure he's mistaken. Yes, tattoos, scars, but it's not fully unique.

Chim can make a mistake.

Buck… Buck can’t. 

But, and that's even worse, Buck can hope just a little too much. And if it's the case - he'll be devastated. More than now.

Chim misses the second Athena answers. And he needs another moment to find a proper wording.

‘Athena. We're in Cedar Sinai. And we need a police officer here. It's urgent. I.. can't tell more but you're the most trustworthy police person I know’

Chim hears noises on the background but her voice is straight and strong

‘Is someone hurt? You were on that Topanga fire, right?’

‘Yes, we were and.. it's very tricky. So you need to rush’

‘I’m on my way’

She cancels the call and Chim dials the next number.

‘Bobby… we won't be back. And you need to be here’

‘.. I have too many questions. Chim, you're the lead paramedic on scene, Buck is one of my best firefighters and there's a fire if you didn't notice’

‘Buck is … unfit for duty. And I need to wait for the police. Bobby. You need to be here. It's…’

He won't say ‘It's Diaz’, that's insane. Even ‘It could be Diaz' is pretty much insane. That's the point. It could not. It could not be him. Yet…

‘It's about a guy we brought here. You have to see it’

Bobby loudly exhales. He knows Chim for too long. He knows he won't be so persistent if there's no reason for that. And Chimney's voice sounds strange. And how come Buck became unfit for duty after one EMT ride?

‘I’ll see what I can do. About police..’

‘I’ve called Athena. Be quick.’

He puts his phone back and presses his face to the wall. 

He should have taken the day off today.

***

Buck is still next to the door when Chim comes back. 

‘Buck, it's…’

‘I need to be there.’

Chim takes a breath.

‘You can't. Buck, listen..’

‘No. You listen. I need to be there. I need to check.. I need to know for sure. It's.. I…’

Buck is definitely unfit. Not for duty. He's unfit in general. Chim isn't sure Buck even understands what he's saying. He takes another breath 

‘Evan..’

It was dirty. It worked. Buck turns to him with such an expression Chim is pretty sure Buck hits him. 

But he doesn't. He just stares. At least now he's listening 

‘We don't know anything yet. Let's talk facts. We found someone barely breathing. In a basement. In a fire in the warehouse that wasn't a warehouse. And that someone… Buck. This person has been… I don't want to use the word ‘tortured’ even if I think so. But he has marks. IVs, bruises…his full physique is quite bad - you saw it’

‘And silver hair…’

Buck is back, that's promising 

‘Exactly. That's why I called Athena. That's why you… can't enter even if you try.’

‘But he's alive?’

Buck is not fully back, noted.

‘... He was when I stepped out. Buck. His state is critical. It might be even worse than we think because… there's a lot we can see. How much we can't?’

‘He should be alive.’

Chim feels the need to just hug his brother-in-law. To stop him from falling apart right here. And to be fair...

If it is him. If it is not. Both ways. This person should be alive. Because people who did that to him should be found. 

And…

Chim puts his hand on Buck's shoulder. 

He also wants him to be… him. For many reasons.

***

Athena is there in eight minutes and it's her personal record - taking into account she wasn't officially on duty so there were no sirens. She walks through the main entrance, shows her badge and goes down the hall to the ER.

And staggers the second she notices Chimney. And stops completely - when she sees Buck.

Chimney looks awful. Like a person who saw things people should not see. Or a person who just lost someone he knows. Or both.

Buck looks broken. He holds onto the door to the trauma bay like he's anchoring himself. 

And all of it is off. Chimney saw things. He's been a paramedic for almost twenty years, there's not a lot of things that could do that to him.

And Buck is known to have one of the craziest coping mechanisms she saw in her life. So he could laugh, cry, or even scream. That's Buck.

Stands still holding the door of trauma bay, says nothing, shivers as he has fever - that's not Buck. 

So there's something that hits both of them so much. 

She comes closer.

‘Chimney?’

He blinks - he watched the hall behind the small door window - and looks at her. 

‘Thanks for coming so quickly, Athena.’

‘Now can you tell me why I came here?’

He exhales. Steps aside from Buck checking if Buck is still there. Still standing. Takes another step.

‘We were at scene, Topanga fire, yes.’

‘The warehouse with possible wildfires, I know.’

‘It… wasn't a warehouse. As I know. I haven't been inside, I was in an EMT car, working with victims. Athena, there were victims in coats. And scrubs. And… There was a basement. Buck and Ravi went there and found…’ 

Chim takes a deep breath. He needs to stop thinking Buck could be right because it would mean everything he's about to say he'll say about a person he knows. He's not ready for this. He's not ready for any of this. Interesting, if he can find some ibuprofen here in the hospital. 

‘The person we brought here. He has very.. specific injuries. Infusion sites - uncommonly located. Scars. Marks on his hands… a lot. You need to see it yourself. And he's severely malnourished. And it looks like.. it’s not a matter of a couple of days. Or even weeks. It's been months.’ 

Athena rubs her forehead. Chimney just ruined her day, definitely. And some of her next days. If he's right - that's the criminal case.

‘I need to go inside’

‘Into the trauma bay in the middle of patient stabilisation? Well…’

Chim chuckles. Athena sees him shaking violently just once before he manages to ground himself. Hardly manages. 

‘Is it bad?’

‘Everything I just told plus unknown time exposure to CO and high heat… He'll pull it through.’

That's so unexpected from Chim Athena frowns a little. He said it like an order not a suggestion. 

She takes her phone. She can't go inside but she has enough information to start working.

And then the doors finally open.

‘I need to talk with the person who transferred the patient.’

Chapter Text

That's it. No status, no anything. The doctor comes out the doors, takes off his mask and starts with it. 

Chim feels with his skin Buck stops breathing. Hell no. 

‘It's us. Is he…’

The doctor grins

‘Surprisingly, no. He should have. Anyway. I need to know the backstory. Where he was found, for example. And if there's any ID. Because… well’

He exhales and looks up like he reads the ceiling 

‘His state is inconsistent with the situation described at the moment. Yes, there's severe CO intoxication and smoke inhalation but there's no burns usually found after the fire..’

Buck suddenly speaks - Chim was pretty sure Buck is on the very edge but luckily he's still professional. Even now. 

‘He…he was hiding in the shower room. Fully tiled. There wasn't an open fire’

He speaks but his voice is so not-his Athena stares at him. These two are definitely hiding something.

The doctor marks something on his tablet. 

‘Okay. His main injuries are not connected to fire. That's not a question. I've been working for quite a long time to recognize something dirty and I ask you to give me as many details as you can. Then I'll call the police and you'll have to repeat it.’

Athena steps up and shows her badge 

‘Sergeant Athena Grant, 737-L-30 LAPD. I'm here already. So let's proceed’

The doctor sharply scoffs

‘Nice. So. The injuries are inconsistent with supposed trauma, there's no burns on the skin or airways. I need to know where this patient was before. Where was he found?’

Chimney closes his eyes for a second. He's a lead paramedic. He's a responsible person now.

‘Old warehouse at Topanga.’

‘I suppose to believe it? This person has multiple injuries looking … medical unethicality. I mean - strange marks of the central line and IVs, intubation, medical fixation - for days. His blood works just add to it, I'm not sure I've ever seen something like it before. And it is not fresh. I'm talking weeks, most likely months. And… sir?’

Chim turns his head. Buck is panting, his fists are clenched and he seems about to scream. Or - knowing Buck now - laugh. Athena also notices it and moves towards him just a little. 

Buck utters

‘Is he…’

He heavily inhales and speaks more clearly 

‘What is the prognosis?’

The doctor raises his eyebrows 

‘For now? None. I told you, a patient in his condition… he shouldn't have survived transportation. Do you know him? We need ID anyway’

Buck deflates as a poked balloon 

‘No. I… I don't. And there wasn't any ID. And any personal stuff. Just clothes on him. It's just… I'm sorry, I'm a little emotional’

Chim is ready to give Buck a medal cause hell he deserves it now.

The doctor grins and proceeds, definitely not convinced

‘I see. It's quite common for firefighters, of course. Anyway. Sergeant. I highly recommend placing security… Oh, I hate calling people John Doe but there's no other option. And…’

He moves just a little, stepping on the one place and Chim suddenly sees his fatigue. His work is not easier than theirs, that's for sure. Still… Chim subconsciously hopes he's professional enough to not let this John Doe die. For Buck!

‘And?’

Athena looks at the doctor clicking her pen. Which means she's stressed to the top. Chim isn't sure he saw her like that before

‘There are several other victims of that fire in Topanga here. I believe… we need a lot of security’

***

When Chim comes back with a cup of cheap sweet coffee Bobby's already there talking to Athena. They're not loud enough and to be honest… He has much higher priority.

Chim comes closer to Buck who sits on the plastic chair head in his hands curled and silent 

‘Hey, Buckley. Take it.’

Chim hands him a cup

Buck doesn't move

‘I didn't want to go to the basement. I was too slow. Intentionally! I thought there were rats. Who would save rats when there's people around? And now…’

‘Stop.’

Chim is oddly straight forward 

‘Don't think about it. You did go there. You found him. You took him out. That is what really matters. Because if he stayed there he would die. There were no other options. Please, have a coffee, you need it’

‘Chim.’

Buck's voice is quiet 

‘What if I failed? And he dies? How am I supposed to live with it?’

‘You didn't fail! Take the cup!’

Buck exhales. But agrees. He holds the cup with one hand and doesn't drink.

‘I don't… I don't know. If it's him. Or I just want it so much to be him. But if it really is him… how, why?! I…’

He finally takes a sip. Looks into the void. Takes another sip. 

Chim keeps silent. He has no answer for that. And it haunts him as well. If it really is him… 

Maybe in that case it would have been better for him to die back in April. Like… More merciful. 

Buck raises his eyes just in time to catch Chimney’s face frowns from this thought. And says with no hesitation at all. 

‘It was my name. And it is him.’

And Chimney… can't argue.

For some reason deep inside... He knows Buck's right. He just doesn't want to know it.

***

Bobby watches his people from a distance before going there. And he doesn't like what he sees. He saw Buck like that- in several different situations. It could be excessive for now - based on what Bobby knows now. But it's Buck.

Chimney on the other hand. That's what scares Bobby the most. He looks fine. For the first glance of a person never met Howard Han. For Bobby - he's surprised Chim isn't looking exactly like Buck. 

He looks back to his wife - she's contacting LAPD again. She's already assigned to the case about a strange victim she told him about. And now she's all in the work, connecting dots between that guy and fire.

So he goes to his team. He needs to know more. 

‘Buck, Chim… What's going on?’

Buck’s still watching the door. Apparently waiting for the doctor to come outside again. And share some new information about their patient they have nothing to do about. Interesting.

Chim deeply inhales and starts the same speech he already gave Athena and the doctor. Bobby raises his hand.

‘That part I'm aware of. Why are you still here? Chim, as I can see Athena is already on it moreover she has two additional officers. You had to return to the scene. And.. Buck? Unfit for duty? Suddenly after one EMT ride? I know you saw..’

Chim interrupts him

‘Bobby. Trust me. You don't. You don't know. That's nice you came, I also need coffee. So I can leave Buck on you’

So Chim doesn't want to talk. That's so not him Bobby follows him with a very heavy look before turning back to Buck. Sits next to him

‘Athena told me you acted strange. Care to elaborate?’

Buck grins

‘I think no. Just stressed. I mean, who would do that?’

He takes another sip from his cup.

‘And also. You ordered me to go to the basement. And I hesitated. Bobby, I hesitated, I should have got there sooner and maybe him… this person… has more chances now? But I did know! I knew about people in the right wing. I could hear someone screaming in the central hall. I mean… I..’

Bobby waits. He knows he shouldn't say anything before Buck gets to the point. And Buck is definitely getting there.

‘And… Bobby. We saw a guy. White coat. Drunk. He should be here somewhere I suppose. I just realized it. So. That guy. He told me. There's nobody in the basement. Only rats…’

His cup falls on the floor and coffee leftovers splashes around making Bobby's eyebrows arch.

‘And the obj… he literally said ‘the object’. I think I'm going to be sick.’

Bobby holds his shoulder to stop the shiver 

‘Let's talk to Athena about it. It's her case. And then discuss the rest. How about it? And.. Do you know anything else about that guy? Name maybe? Anyway. First thing first - Athena. Come on, Buck.’

Bobby stands up and Buck stands up after him. His face is paler than usual but now there's something else in it. Something Bobby… isn't sure he has ever seen in Buck. Maybe once when Maddie was kidnapped.

‘ ’Thena!..’

She turns to them. 

And Bobby's phone rings.

‘Buck, talk to my wife. I'll be right back’

That's Hen. And that's strange for her to call in the middle of triage

‘Hen?’

She sounds tough. And very annoyed 

‘Cap. I just think you should know. We're going back to the station. IC order.’

Bobby raises his eyebrows. That's getting stranger with every second.

‘Be more specific’

‘That's all. Mehta said literally ‘This fire is not under LAFD jurisdiction anymore, get back to your stations. Keep your mouth shut’ and he didn't sound very pleased. Bobby. They didn't let me finish the triage. They didn't let teams finish the search. It's possible there were still people inside!’

Apparently, Hen doesn't want to keep her mouth shut. 

‘Hen, we will discuss it later. Please wait for me at the station. And… Mehta was right. Keep it down for now.’

She ends the call and Bobby rubs his forehead in exhaustion. What a mess.

***

Chim stands next to the vending machine and can't put the bill into it. His hands are trembling too much.

Buck is right. The longer Chim thinks about it - the clearer it gets. Buck is right, it is E.. it's him.

It could have been Chimney. Previously he thought he could be dead instead of Eddie. But now…

He couldn't imagine that. Never. That's wrong!

He finally manages to feed the vending machine with money. Chim takes the cup, spills literally a half of coffee and takes a sip not tasting anything.

He goes to the corner and sits there on the floor cause his knees apparently want to have a break.

It's… who would do this to a person?

How did he survive the virus?

How did they not know that?!

Is it their fault?

He knows it's not. He can't convince himself it's not.

He recalls Jonah playing with his, Chim’s, heart. Turning it on and off. That was rough. 

Bobby broke Jonah's nose then. 

If Bobby… 

No. Not now. The first priority - he has to survive that. 

Chim tries to check everything he has done on the EMT. If he could have done more. 

No. He did literally everything. So now the ball is not on his side.

If he survives. If he wakes up. That would be crucial. Much worse than healing the outside trauma. 

Chim knows he's right. It's cruel. But he's right. 

Yet he can't believe Buck would have to lose … the person he loves. For the second time. No. It's also cruel. The world isn't fair. 

He inhales and stands up. He's still a lead paramedic. He doesn't have a right to break. Buck needs him. Because…

Bobby doesn't know. Nobody knows. 

Hell Chim wants to be in the ‘not knowing’ team so much!

***

‘Sergeant Grant!’

Athena turns to the officer with a very unpleasant face - he interrupted Buck in the middle of obviously very important speech 

‘You need to see it. We tried to check the ID of the victims and..’

‘And? You don't know how to use livescan?’

‘Just look’

He shows her his tablet. There's a red warning ‘Classified, no information available’

She scoffs 

‘It could be a mistake. Try another person. Maybe the fingers of the one you tried is too injured’

He swipes his tablet

‘We’ve tried five bodies already. And one guy in the ICU. Got one more ‘classified’. Others are not readable. There was a fire in the end..’

Okay, that doesn't look like a mistake.

‘Okay. Thanks for letting me know. You need to clean the place from unauthorized persons. But firstly - just in case - try to reboot the system.’

She knows it won't work. But she can hope.

He nods and goes away. She turns back to Buck

‘Buck, please, be quick, as you can see my work just got upgraded’

Buck turns back to her - he can't stop watching the trauma bay door 

‘There was a guy back there on scene. White coat. Looked stressed. He said there's no one in the basement. Only lab rats. And ‘the object'. So.. he confirmed it's a lab of some kind. And.. I suppose he knew about that. I mean…’

‘I get it. Okay. I check on him, do you know his name or..?’

‘Nothing. I'll recognise him. I don't even know which station brought him. But he wasn't too injured so I suppose he's not in ICU’

Athena rubs her forehead. That warehouse fire is getting ridiculously hard. 

‘Fine. And…’

Her phone rings and she muffledly swears before answering 

‘Sergeant Grant’

‘Athena…’

That's Elaine. And she sounds like she has a bad news

‘Where are you?’

‘Cedar Sinai. Topanga fire, remember? I took this case’

‘LAPD is out of this case. It goes higher.’

‘What? Higher where?’

‘Sergeant Grant…’

Captain Maynard takes a pause. Athena can feel her irritation now. Like she says the words she doesn't want to say. 

‘I don't know. And I don't want to know. Athena. It's not my order. I'm only the transmitter. I hate it more than you. So… I have a little time window - don't ask how - I can give you fifteen minutes before making it official. After it - LAPD is out of Topanga fire case. No interaction with victims. No identification. No investigation. Nothing. Use this time wisely. And see you at the station. I'll be here.’

She inhales and proceeds more quietly 

‘Athena. It's something big. I'm not sure we can do anything about it. Be careful. ’

***

Chim walks back into the hall at the same moment the trauma bay doors open.

Why doesn't the hospital vending machine distribute alcohol? It would be much more useful.

‘Sergeant?’

The doctor looks even more tired. 

‘He's stable. For now. And security is in place. You can come in to do what you have to do. Five minutes. Sir!’

Bobby catches Buck literally at the doorframe 

‘Buck, are you somehow Sergeant Grant now?’

Buck shakes his head but his sight is glued to the doors. 

Athena checks her watch. Elaine gave her fifteen minutes. Now she has something like ten left. 

She needs to go there. Take pictures. Run livescan. Or not. It's not a LAPD case anymore. She just wants to get everything she can. She's not going to help any department taking her case from her. 

Plus - Buck and Chimney. She has known them for years. Their behaviour is out of normal. 

Everything feels wrong on so many levels she isn't sure where to start. 

On the other hand, if she even needs to start?

Though… Something isn't clicking in all this mess. 

Elaine repeated ‘fire victims’ several times.

Athena’s guy - this guy in trauma bay - is a fire victim. Technically. 

She looks around to give herself a rest for a moment. And catches Chimney standing a couple feet behind. Looking basically the same as Buck now. For whatever reason.

And Buck? What makes him so eagerly trying to get there? She has to ask. 

‘Buck. Chimney. You have to tell me everything you know about this guy. Right now. In ten minutes - give or take - this case goes to some other department. Not LAPD. So if you know something I need to know - say it.’

She wants to know everything before she goes out of the hospital door. She wants to know why experienced firefighters look like they saw a ghost. 

Buck exhales with a howl. That's definitely new even for him. Chim just looks down. She proceeds heavily.

‘For now I still can do something. If you know anything and you hide it …’

Buck's still looking at the doors. And Chim quietly speaks

‘There's a chance we know this guy.’

It has an effect. And it explains a lot. 

‘You know him? And you didn't… okay, Chim. You'll go with me to confirm…’

She looks at her watch again. Seven minutes and every police officer here should get out. 

‘We’re not sure. And… it's better to take Buck’

Athena purses her lips watching Buck's face. He looks as far from a reliable source of information right now as physically possible. Returns to Chimney

‘Nice one.’

‘I’m serious. You… you'll get it. If we're right’

***

Athena stops right before the door. Turns to Buck - he's acting so abnormal that it's scary.

Chim said they could know the victim. Who could it be to know both Buck and Chim, they usually have very different interests. Somebody from work? 

‘Buck. We have six minutes. I need to do a lot of things and I regret taking you already. But if Chim's right…’

Buck sharply nods

‘I know. I won't cause any trouble! I just…’

He doesn't finish. They come in and Buck flies to the hospital bed, looking at the person lying there. Athena also gives him a glance.

He looks - well, he looks as she expected from a victim of ‘unethical medical intervention’. And Buck is standing next to him and hardly breathes. She definitely should have taken Chimney. 

She can see marks on his hands even from a distance. Marks, bruises. She takes a picture. Just in case. 

And tattoos. The same tattoos Buck checks again and again. When he pulls his hand to trace the lines she has to stop him. And look at tattoos once more. They look familiar. Disturbingly familiar. She takes another picture. 

Chim said they knew him. If she knows him? For some reason it feels like that. Just for a second.

But no, nothing clicks.

Okay. 

Now livescan. Then all the data go to hell knows who else takes this case over. But at least she would know the identity of this person for sure.

Then… well, she heard a couple of stories in her practice. People in unidentified van with gray id’s. ‘National security’. Or something like that. And there's nothing left.

She feels sorry for this guy. He'd already got enough. 

She imagines dozens of these vans. No. Most probably there's something else. More sneaky. More scary. Silent disappearing. The end is the same. 

She looks at the victim again. There's something itching her brain. Something very… she does know this person, doesn't she? She just can't recall it.

But work is work - she takes out her portable scanner when Buck sobs.

Very silently. Like he's in pain. 

‘Buck?’

He doesn't look at her. He keeps looking at the victim's face. Brushes the silver hair strand. And visibly tries not to cry out loud. 

She runs the first try. 

The system beeps. ‘Not Readable, try again’. Maybe she won't know. Maybe it's for the best. 

She shouldn't feel relieved but she does. And Buck is still quietly murmuring something so close to the victim it looks inappropriate. He definitely knows him. Very well. 

‘Buck. You do know him?’

He takes a short inhale. Looks at her - his hand is blindly searching for the victim's fingers and she needs to stop him again. And he speaks.

‘We all do.’

She exhales a little annoyed. Time is not on their side and now Buck decided to throw a riddle. She takes another look. Tattoos, bullet scar on the right shoulder - old one - gray hair, face of severe malnutrition. No, nothing. 

‘Buck, for fuck sake! There's no time and..’

‘Athena. Look at him. How come you don't see?’

She looks all over the person again and Buck says something. He doesn't say it for her. He calls. 

‘Eddie…’

***

Her first reaction - chuckle. Very loud, while she runs the second try - ‘Not Readable. Try again.’ That's explainable. The victim's fingers are in a bad shape, she sees it now. Being locked in the shower room surrounded by fire is not the best spa. She feels something cold running down her spine. If there's at least one chance Buck’s right - that's the best result they could get. 

But there's no chance Buck is right. Not even one. She saw the death certificate. Two different ones…

‘No, Buck. I know you're grieving but it's impossible.’

Buck takes a deep breath. And suddenly smiles 

‘It is. And yet it is him. He called me ‘Evan’ back there.’

He's so sure she needs to check again. She comes closer. And looks again, very carefully this time. Very attentive. Bullet scar on the right shoulder. Tattoos. Face bone structure - as It could be seen with an intubation in place. A little birthmark. Some details she didn't get from the first glance but can't unsee now. 

It is impossible. She saw two death certificates!… She saw logs!

She saw logs… She can believe the person on the bed was through everything mentioned in these logs. 

It feels like a punch to her stomach when it finally clicks.

It changes everything. 

She looks at her livescan. It takes too long already and now she silently begs it to fail.

‘Not Readable’. It's the first time she's glad to see that. 

Her phone starts to beep - apparently it's a notification from LAPD. To get out.

It's hard. It's almost impossible. Because now it's not a random victim - she's too experienced and too cynical to fight the system for everyone. 

But it's not everyone. It's a person she knows. It's part of a family. She can't just.. leave him for some department to be erased - and she's pretty sure that's the main idea why LAPD is out. 

And to be fair she has no idea what she can possibly say to Buck now. How to get him out of the room.

Now she herself can't stop looking. How did she miss it? 

Maybe… maybe Buck should not get out.

‘Buck. Buck, listen to me.’

He stares at her in pure denial.

‘I.. I can't go anywhere, Athena, don't even ask, it's…’

‘Don't.’ 

She smiles. Just a little. 

‘That's specifically what I want you to do. To stay here. Next to the room if the doctor asks to move. No further. You are his safety now. Until I think of something.’

Her phone beeps again reminding her she has to leave. 

And she turns only in the very doorframe. Buck sits right on the floor next to the bed. Like a watch dog.

She just lost one case. 

She just got a new one.

Chapter Text

Athena catches the doctor's sleeve right in front of the room. He looks exhausted at the very best

‘Sergeant Grant?’

Okay. Is she really thinking of asking it? 

Yes. 

‘I need you to… you said that person doesn't look like a fire victim.’

He scoffs. Very tired.

‘I did. What is your point, sergeant? I need to go back. And you need to take your guy out’

She takes a long breath

‘Did you file the patient case already?’

‘You’ll be surprised but I'm not an Indian god with a dozen hands. No. And you want me to file him as a fire victim…’

‘I don't. I want you to avoid any connection to fire in Topanga in his case. That's crucial.’

He finally grins 

‘So you, sergeant, want me to lie in official documents. That's unexpected.’

‘I… I ask you to do it. To save this man's life.’

The doctor looks through the window to the room. His patient is on the bed - he can see the numbers on monitors and he doesn't like it - and there's a guy from the EMT next to the bed, pressing his forehead to the bed border. The same guy who ‘doesn’t know’ this man's ID. It feels like a very untimely fool's day when nobody tells the truth.

‘I’m.. partially convinced. And still you need to take your guy out’

‘That’s my second request. It will be hot here soon. And the police security won't be here. And this person needs security.’

Now the doctor chuckles 

‘And you still try to tell me you don't know who he is?’

Athena just nods. Her phone is buzzing in her pocket constantly but she has to finish here first. 

‘For now it's better for you to think so… please.’

Athena Grant hates begging. Now she's on the very edge of it. She moves just a bit to catch Buck by the corner of her eye. He's still sitting right on the floor. She slowly blinks. 

‘Please… don't kick him out.’

The doctor takes a moment. Inhales. Looks back to the room. Then turns to her

‘Fine. I'll see what I can do. Just because I have a feeling people who did it somehow connected to what you said. And… I'm not very law-abiding apparently, so… sergeant. I got a ticket today for bad parking. Do something with it and we're even.’

He winks and goes to the room. 

***

Buck sits on the floor watching every movement Eddie’s chest makes. 

It reminds him of sitting next to the gravestone. But gravestones are not breathing. Okay, gravestones don't have intubation tubes. And people under the gravestones don't have it.

It's Eddie. He's here. He's alive. 

Barely. But alive. Buck lived for four months thinking he lost his best friend. Buck lived for the last three weeks knowing who he lost.

And now… he doesn't even get there yet. What if…

Buck totally misses the moment the doctor comes back and he flinches when he's addressed with 

‘Sir,...’

‘I won't go away. You need to take me out by force’

There's a chuckle 

‘Didn’t plan it. Could you please just step aside, I need to set a new IV…’

Buck raises his eyes and crawls aside

‘Is it enough?’

‘Fine. Sir. I can ask a nurse to bring you a cup but you would have to leave the room so..’

‘No’

‘I thought so’

The doctor keeps fixing the IV. Then looks at numbers. Inhales. Buck hears it

‘He..’

‘I'm working. No prognosis yet. And as long as you're sitting here - you could maybe talk to him. For some reason I feel you have something to say. But I won't ask. As far as I know you see this person for the first time’

The doctor chuckles again under Buck's sight. Shrugs just a little. 

‘At least he's stable. My only concern is my patient's state. Anything else is not my business.’

Buck quietly nods. 

‘You can move back if you need. And you can hold his hand. If you need. Just don't touch the tubes and wires. I'll send a nurse here while I'm filling his file.’

The doctor's tone changes to a more serious one for some reason.

‘Her name is Carol Blake. She's the best. And my name is Noah Sofer. You need to know it. Cause I'm the person in charge and everyone here - in this room especially - should be cleared to come in by me. So…just hold this information in your head’

Buck slowly blinks. He has no Idea why he possibly can need this information but the doctor is pretty strict saying that. 

Athena said he's Eddie’s safety. But she didn't say why he needed safety… 

Apparently he needs it.

Apparently even the doctor knows why he needs it.

Buck doesn't know it yet. Buck doesn't understand it yet. Okay, he doesn't understand anything yet apart from Eddie being alive. To be honest he doesn't understand even that.

But one thing he knows for sure. He won't go anywhere from here.

***

Athena finally looks at her phone when she's out of trauma bay doors.

‘The case is officially transferred. Your work is done. Go home. Don't talk.’

Elaine called three times and then sent a message. She's very persistent with it. Persistent means urgent. 

That means Athena should leave the hospital fast enough.

But she needs to do one more thing - her husband and Chimney are still here. Bobby is concerned in general. Chim is… well, there's no Buck around and Chim definitely took his place of being unfit.

‘Thena!’ 

Bobby takes a step towards her but she knows her first priority. And it's Chimney.

‘You were right’

She doesn't say anything else. She doesn't have to. Chim closes his eyes and exhales so loudly she's afraid he’d pass out. 

‘Is he…’

‘Stable for now. And we need to go. We'll talk on a way’

Chimney blinks 

‘Can I…’

She shakes her head with a sympathy Bobby can't understand yet 

‘I'm sorry. But we need to go.’

Bobby looks around. Then back to his wife 

‘Where’s Buck? Is something wrong with him?’

She pauses. 

‘He's fine. In the car. Don't talk here’

Bobby arches his eyebrows but says nothing going to the exit. Chimney follows him in the same silence. Not in the same, though. Bobby feels there's something wrong. But Athena asked not to talk. And she never asks that with no reason.

Bobby gets that everything is wrong when they are next to Athena’s car. Because Chimney can't open the door - his hands don't cooperate. Athena helps him, looking around. Waiting for something. 

The moment Bobby gets on the front seat - she starts the car and basically launches from the hospital parking lot.

Only then she turns to Chim just a little 

‘You okay?’

‘No…are you… Athena, are you sure?’

Another pause when Bobby understands absolutely nothing but feels it's too important to interrupt.

‘Yes’

‘Fuck’

Bobby can't remember Chim swears. He definitely needs to interrupt now 

‘Can you maybe enlighten me on the situation?’

‘In a moment. Chim. You need to ask Maddie to take Chris. Buck stays at the hospital for.. some time. Don't say anything else. Just that’

‘Already on it’ 

Bobby looks at him in the rear view mirror. Notices a nervous shaking, heavily breathing - obvious stress markers. And stares at Athena

‘I need to know what's going on, Athena. It's about my people in the end…’

She checks if her radio is turned off.

‘It's Diaz.’

***

Bobby blinks

‘What?’

Athena shortly inhales taking the turn to the fire station

‘The victim. In my case I was moved off from. It's Diaz.’

‘Athena. He's dead. You saw the death certificate and..’

Bobby heavily exhales. He recalls the logs Athena showed him some time ago. It seems disturbing that it makes more sense now. 

‘And more. So…’

‘Yet it's him. You can ask Chimney. He knows it. He knew it before me. He and Buck. Right?’

Chimney mutters something.

‘Chim?’

‘Bobby. I'm not Buckley. I'm not delusional. Moreover, I don't want it to be him. But it is him.’

Bobby doesn't feel his fists clench

‘You're saying that… Athena, I need to go back’

‘No’

She accelerates a little more driving on the highest permitted speed 

‘I need to see him’

‘No, you don't’

That's Chim.

‘Bobby. That's not… pleasant at the very best’

That day. Back in April. Bobby remembers Eddie's words ‘It won't be a pleasure to watch’.

His nails are so deep in his palms there's ichor starting to show.

‘That doesn't matter. Athena!’

‘No. Bobby. It's not my case anymore. It's not even a LAPD case anymore. That's something we shouldn't interfere with. Yet’

‘But..’

She exhales getting into the parking lot of the 118 station 

‘Yet. I'll think of something. And now… you must not tell this to anyone. I need some time to figure it out myself.’

Bobby knows his wife can be a little paranoid. But now he feels it's not the case.

She proceeds, this time looking straight at him 

‘I’m not sure how long Buck could stay in hospital but you have to cover it. And you…’

She turns to Chimney 

‘You have to cover it also. And yes, now I'm asking you to lie to your wife, your best friend… and most importantly - to Chris. He must not know anything yet.’

Chim nods. Athena waits for them to get out of the car. She says only

‘I need to go. I was off duty today and now I should be at home. Elaine made it very clear’ 

And takes off.

Bobby slowly turns to Chim 

‘Howard…’

‘I'm.. I'll be fine.’

He looks down 

‘I'm not so sure about him’

***

Maddie calls in an hour. Chimney rewrites his report for the seventh time already - it's surprisingly hard to avoid any mention of victims of fire but save the whole ‘we were working’ when you're a paramedic.

‘Yes?’

‘You have to tell more than you already did’ 

She sounds… tired mostly 

‘About whereabouts of my brother. And you have to tell it to Chris. Because Buck sent him a message that literally goes ‘Everything fine sorry idk when home love you’ and his phone has been turned off since.’ 

Chim pinches the bridge of his nose 

‘I can't… Buck is fine, I swear.’

‘But he's in the hospital? Which one?’

‘Yes… And I can't tell you even that.’

He hears her loud exhale

‘Chim… how do you want me to explain it to his son? Chris lost both of his parents already. He's sure Buck is lying that he is fine.’

There's a little shortage in his brain before Chim gets it. 

Chris.. well, it makes sense. If it was Chim's decision - he wouldn't have held it from Chris. But Athena specifically asked him to lie and he voluntarily obeyed. 

‘I don't… hell. Please, call Athena. She can come up with something. But still. Buck is fine. I can't share more now’

It would be so much easier to say ‘hey listen, we found Eddie. The same Eddie we buried four months ago. And he's alive. He was tortured in some kind of medical experiment and he hardly survived today's fire and Buck can't get off of his hospital bed’..

No, it won't be any easier.

Maddie finally speaks 

‘Athena’s involved... Is he in danger?’

‘He is not.’

Chim makes a little pause and Maddie catches it. Inhales even more sharply 

‘Fine. I'll call Athena. And you need to think of something better to say when you're home.’

She ends off the call and Chim puts his phone away.

He needs to think of a lot of things before he comes home. 

He can't think of anything apart from dozens of marks on Eddie’s hands. Apart from numbers of his vitals. Apart from his face… Apart from Buck's face.

Buck is there alone. How will he survive it?

***

‘Sir. Go outside. Five minutes. My nurse brings you a coffee’

Buck numbly shakes his head

‘No’

The doctor - Buck remembers, his name is Noah Sofer - smiles just a little 

‘I’m still here. You'll be just behind the door. I don't need a second patient here. And… I need to work. You want this person you obviously don't know anything about to stay alive, right? Go.’

Does he want him to stay alive? He's not sure that there's anything he wants more at this point. Buck slowly stands up and staggers a little. He has no idea how long he sat here.

‘Five minutes. And I'll be right behind the door. And…’

‘Go. I'll do my work, you'll do yours’

Buck goes to the door but his sight is glued to Eddie's face till the door closes behind him.

And there's really a nurse. With a cup of coffee and a cookie 

‘Hi. My name is Carol Blake. Doctor Sofer asked to bring you coffee. And cookie is on me, you need glucose’

He nods again 

‘Thanks…’

He takes it and sits right next to the wall. He won't go away. Athena asked him to stay close…

He's finishing his cookie, so it's been not more than four minutes, when there's a guy. No badge of visitor, nice suit - he looks like a person that should not be here. He walks around the hall and talks to the staff. Points to the trauma bay

Buck holds his breath to hear him better. Still he needs to concentrate and it's more of lip reading than actual hearing.

‘...fire… Topanga..?’

And the nurse - not Carol, the girl from the front desk - shrugs. The guy says something else and she starts to check something on her tablet. Then shakes her head. Her lips are easier to read.

‘Sorry…no…ask…’

Buck drinks his coffee with a one sip. If Athena was afraid of that?

He goes back to the room at the same time doctor Sopher's pager starts beeping. He checks it and frowns, mutters something definitely inappropriate and looks through the glass at the front desk. And then - straight at Buck.

‘That’s definitely above my paycheck. I'm a doctor, not a… whatever. And I hate people in suits.’

He goes to the door. Stops in the doorway 

‘If someone asks - this patient is not from Topanga. Think of something. I hate to let my work go to waste. Especially my good work. By the way…’

He opens the door 

‘His heart rhythm and oxygen is stable. I'm thinking of extubation when I come back’

The door closes.

Chapter Text

Her phone rings when she turns on the coffee maker. Elaine. Personal number, not the work one 

‘Athena, where are you?’

‘Home’

She hears exhale 

‘Perfect. I'll come.’

It's not a question. Athena checks the time. Half past eleven PM. Not the best time to visit. But it's Elaine. If she says that she comes - it's important.

‘I’ll make coffee’

Call ends and Athena finally sits down watching the coffee maker working.

Then her phone rings the second time. She's getting popular.

‘Athena!’

That's Maddie… Athena tiredly pinches the bridge of her nose. She's not ready for this discussion 

‘Yes?’

‘Where’s my brother?!’

Athena inhales

‘I’d asked Chim to text you… Buck's safe. That's all. It's… complicated’

‘Athena…’

Maddie's voice is heavy when she proceeds 

‘I have a baby, a toddler, and a stressed out teenager who already lost both of his biological parents and now he thinks he lost another parent. I need more information apart from ‘he’s in the hospital, can't say more!’ I've got from Howie.’

Another deep inhale 

‘Maddie. He's safe. He's not injured. He has to stay in the hospital per my personal request. I… also can't say more for now. Maybe in the morning.’ 

There's a pause before Maddie proceeds quietly 

‘Can you at least promise me he's fine?’

Is he fine? Last time Athena saw him - his world was in ruins but physically… physically he's fine 

‘More or less. And Maddie. Don't ask more questions. I'll tell you more… when I can.’

She ends the call. Takes the coffee pot and freezes in the middle of the kitchen.

Diaz is… he's alive. And the logs she saw are obviously true because he looks like a person that has been through hell. And…

And all of it happened just under her nose!

When Elaine comes, Athena is still holding the coffee pot. And it's already cold.

Elaine comes into the kitchen still in her jacket. Takes it off and throws it on the chair.

‘Athena. You are on leave. Effective from yesterday. Until the future notice.’

Elaine doesn't even sit down yet handing Athena the folder

‘It was hard but trust me. It's the best chance you have. Forget about the Topanga fire case. You saw nothing. You know nothing. You were never there.’

The coffee pot clinks on the table.

***

Hen checks her tablet. It has been frozen for several hours now even with all her attempts to reboot it.

Then stands up and goes to the kitchen. There's Ravi. She would rather talk to Chim or Bobby but both of them are in the captain's office and she feels they don't need company just yet.

So Ravi it is.

‘Hen!’

He hands her a plate with cookies - last batch of Buck's nervous baking routine. And smiles a little bit lost what makes him appear even younger when he raises his eyes and speaks 

‘Did you finish your report? All my records are… I'm not sure. There's no records? I've even checked the engine. There's no route logs’

‘My tablet froze. Can't check. But you remember what Captain Mehta said…’

‘There were people inside! Hen, there were people!’

She loudly exhales 

‘I know. That's terrible and I have no idea..’

‘I just… I don't understand what the point is. What is the point of our work when… Did you see something like that before?’

She takes a cookie. Bites. And shakes her head 

‘No. But Ravi. You and Buck did manage to get someone out. 133 got out a dozen people at least. 127 also. We’ve done what we could. And yes. It is strange. I can't help you with it. My advice is - stop thinking for now and..’

Ravi stares at her. Very closely 

‘Where’s Buck?’

Hell she also wants to know that!

***

‘Chim. Sit for the name of the lord, you make me dizzy’. 

Chim keeps circling around.

‘I can't. I mean. Bobby, I..’

Bobby takes a deep breath. He knows Chim saw something. He knows it must have been bad. But Bobby himself… he knows only what he's been told

‘Okay. Run in circles if it calms you down. But tell me. Are you sure it's…’

The sound getting out of Chimney's mouth is pure panic 

‘Yes. I had my doubts back in the EMT car but after… It's him. Listen. I'm not… okay, yes, it's connected but not like you think. Bobby. It could have been me’

Chim finally stops 

‘It could have been me… at least for some time. I thought he gave up on the antivirus - for me - and died. It was hurtful enough and I felt guilty. But now. I mean… you had to see it. I.. I'm not sure I would have survived for so long in that shape, I'm much older… Yet, he's barely survived.’

Bobby waits for a second before asking. Very carefully 

‘How bad is it?’

‘He collapsed when we got to the hospital. I performed CPR. And then… I hardly doubt he stays alive through the night. It's not only CO. It's… I have no idea what it is.’

‘And Buck is there?’

‘And Buck is there. I should have gone with Athena. But in this case Buck would hate me forever. Now it's only me who hates me.’

‘Stop.’

Bobby also stands up

‘We’ve been here before. You did nothing wrong. Don't depreciate his decision!’

Chimney drops his head. And speaks. Quietly. Looking at the floor 

‘I want him to survive and that's egoistic. Because it is mercy to die in his state’

Bobby chokes 

‘Don't say that about a guy who literally dug himself out of the well. Who argued with the prisoner having a gunpoint at his head. He'll be fine. I won't buy him just give up. If it is him. And… Buck is there.’

‘Buck won't survive it for the second time. He won't survive watching ‘the person he loves’ dying again.’

Now it's time for Bobby to look away. So he looks at the wall and speaks with a light sad smile 

‘That’s why it should be Buck there. Eddie will never let him.’

***

Three cups of coffee later Elaine exhales.

‘Well. Back to business. Athena. I know…’

She looks into her cup and proceeds 

‘I know that usually I close my eyes when you're working behind my back and cover you. But that's not the case. It looks too dangerous and definitely out of our hands. Judging by how fast it was cleaned up from the police systems - it's too big for you to swallow. So step aside. It should end in a week or so. It usually does.’

Athena arches her eyebrows 

‘Sorry?’

‘Athena. I… can't say I've seen something like that but I know the drill. Week, two tops - and there's nothing. No building. No records. No victims. Like it never happened’

The cup in Athena hands shakes

‘No victims?’

Elaine shrugs 

‘That's collateral damage. We can't do anything about it. You're a big girl, you should understand it.’

‘No.’

She stands up

‘I… that's not the case. It's people. It's…’

‘It's what?’

Athena looks around. The house is dark and quiet. She thinks about it. Elaine is right. Technically. It's easier to step aside. Let the system clean itself. Then she thinks of Bobby. What she could possibly tell him. Then Chim. Then… Buck won't take it. No one who already knows won't take it but Buck… he would think she betrayed him and he would be right. 

They lost Diaz once. They buried him. They grieved him. They couldn't do it again.

She…could not do it again and she definitely couldn't make them do it.

And… she recalls Diaz in the hospital bed. He suffered enough. Without their help. 

‘I can't step aside, Elaine. Not in this case.’

Her cap frowns like her jaw is suddenly broken 

‘Should I ask? According to the ‘need to know’ policy?’

‘Then… no. Not now.’

Athena puts her cup on the table. Watches Elaine also stands up

‘I know you for how many years, twenty by now? You won't act like that if you don't have a reason, Athena. Very good reason. Okay. I need to go. Be careful.’

Elaine puts on her jacket and looks right at Athena

‘I won't be able to help if you make a mistake. So don't make a mistake.’

Athena closes the door after her. Exhales loudly.

Elaine… didn't say ‘no’ in the end.

***

Doctor Sofer comes back in half an hour. Very irritated. He walks around the trauma bay, collecting something. Takes some vials out of the box. Definitely preparing for something. 

Buck doesn't stand up. He doesn't even move. He's still holding the bed border, whispering something. 

Eddie doesn't hear him. That's obvious. But still. Eddie has to know he's not alone. Not anymore. 

Buck can't override the past. He can't just override months of him thinking Eddie died. Him, leaving Eddie alone. 

But now he's here. He won't go anywhere. 

‘You know, it would be easier if I have your name’

The doctor comes closer. Checks the monitors and his face changes just a little. Not in a bad way though.

‘I don't get it…’

Buck slowly blinks.

‘What? And… Name. Well, you can call me Buck.’

His name - real name - still belongs to Eddie. And to be fair Buck can't wait to hear it again. From him. Out loud. 

‘Just ‘Buck’? Okay, works for me.’

‘You don't get what?’

Doctor Sofer shrugs. And changes the topic for some reason 

‘Buck. Maybe you should eat something?’

‘I’ve got a cookie from your nurse. She's nice’

‘Won’t argue. Anyway. Let's rephrase. I need some time. Fifteen to forty minutes. Depends.’

Buck's hands squeeze the bed border tight enough to break it. 

‘No.’

The doctor deeply inhales. 

‘I don't ask you to go away. Just out of the room. Actually… I need to extubate him. And people outside seem very insistent on coming here. I need your help. And yes, you need to eat something. You've been sitting here for how long? That's a doctor's order.’

Buck tries to calculate what he has been told.

‘You need my help for what?’

‘To keep them outside. As I understand..’

He smiles with only corners of his lips

‘That's exactly the reason you're here.’

***

Carol hands him a new coffee cup right before she hides into the room. Buck doesn't have any chance to argue and to be fair he doesn't want to. Coffee is quite timely now.

It's hot so it could fix his chills he doesn't know he has before coming out of the room. 

And he needs to hold the cup so his hands stop shaking. Hell, he's a disaster. He's falling apart and he has absolutely no rights for that. Not now. Eddie… needs him.

He tries to ignore sounds from the trauma bay - Sofer’s short commands, beeping, just working noises. It's normal, he knows it. It wouldn't bother him. But it's Eddie. 

Buck needs to pinch himself. To prove he's awake. It hurts. He's awake. And it's Eddie. He knows it. He knows it since that lip movement. Since ‘Evan’ he read.

But believing…. That's the whole other story. He can't believe it. There's no way Eddie could be alive. Because if it is true… it means they left him. They didn't try. 

Bobby would say Buck is delusional and there was no reason to believe otherwise.

Buck had to know it!

Buck… he blinks.

There's a person in a suit. Right in front of him. Looking through the glass. Buck fights himself to not cover it and fails so he takes a step.

The suit now looks right at him

‘You're not a doctor. Why are you here?’

‘You're not a doctor either’

Buck squeezes the disposable cup so hard the coffee leftovers splashes around.

The suit doesn't smile.

‘I think I need to come in’

‘You think wrong. Only authorised persons are allowed inside.’

Pause 

‘It's a Topanga victim, isn't it?’

Buck feels goosebumps but keeps his voice straight

‘That's just a person in the trauma bay. Do you know what people do in a trauma bay usually? They're dying.’

It physically hurts to say but Buck keeps talking hoping it's not the case now 

‘They don't share their backstory. So try to ask at the front desk. I was asked to stay here by the doctor- I'm staying here. No questions asked’

The suit tries to look through the glass again. Then smiles - very uncomfortably

‘Fine. I'll ask. And about you also’

He walks away but - and that is obvious - it's not a failure. He just takes a break. 

Buck feels it and his hands shake again. So strongly his broken cup just falls down.

Buck just postponed the inevitable. And he needs to come up with something else.

He doesn't know for sure why they search for Topanga victims. He doesn't even know who they are. He just knows they must not get Eddie. No one can get him now. 

Chapter Text

When Chim opens the door - someone already waits for him in the hallway. And it's not Maddie. 

It's Chris.

Chim isn't sure he's ready to talk to his wife. He's definitely not ready to talk to the kid. Any kid. Especially Eddie's kid.

‘Where’s Buck?!’

It looks like Chris hasn't slept at all. That's definitely what they have in common.

‘Chris…’

Chris looks at him. And his eyes are giant even if he doesn't cry. It feels worse. Chris already accepted the worst option. That's wrong on so many levels Chim gasps before answering 

‘Buck is in the hospital. He's not hurt. I swear, Chris. Buck is fine. He's… he's helping Athena. It's very important’

Chris doesn't seem convinced in any way 

‘He is so busy he can't even answer the phone?’

Chim closes his eyes and nods

‘Yes. He's that busy. But he is fine. Do you trust me?’

Chris blinks 

‘When he comes back?’

That's the question Chim doesn't know the answer. Not even close. 

‘I’m not sure. It's not on him to decide now. Athena should know. So let's wait together.’

‘Do you promise he's fine?’

Chris has such an adult reaction sometimes Chim forgets he's fifteen.

‘Yes. He's not hurt. I promise’

That's not actually the same. Chim knows it. Chris knows it. But he takes it for now and this ‘for now’ is visible on his face. And he proceeds 

‘You don't look fine though …’

‘I am … thanks, Chris. I'm just tired. Do you know if Maddie is up?’

‘Kitchen. I suggested my help but she sent me back to sleep’

‘And you just ignored her?’

Chim smiles just a little 

‘I have to know. And…’

Now he looks exactly like a fifteen year old boy 

‘I had a nightmare. About dad …’

Me too, thinks Chim. But it wasn't a dream.

***

Buck wakes up from the monitor beeping. He somehow managed to fall asleep sitting next to Eddie's bed and pressing his face to the bed border. Which is now shaking.

He needs a second to get a grip but he doesn't have that second cause the beeping is getting more intense and there's a voice addressing him directly 

‘Out. Now!’

He moves away from the bed before standing up, and freezes.

The bed is really shaking, it wasn't a dream or his own vision. It is shaking because the body on it is shaking.

Buck notices a small trickle of blood running down Eddie's face and feels dizzy instantly.

Doctor Sofer moves sharply and accurately and he ignores Buck since Buck isn't in his way anymore but Buck can sense he's tired and nervous. If he slept at all?

Buck moves to the wall. His lips are moving, silently whispering something he doesn't even know what. Something like ‘no’ but non-stop.

It was fine. It was! Eddie was stable through the night. Numbers were good. Buck remembers it. He checks it constantly before falling asleep.

Why .. why?!

He starts panting and he hopes he does it quietly enough. But he's wrong. 

The doctor turns at him and swears 

‘I said out! Your panic doesn't help!’ 

Buck walked away last time. Well, he was dragged away. Doesn't matter. He won't repeat it. He won't leave Eddie alone.

He exhales 

‘No…’

‘Then get it together! ..Hell his veins are a mess..’

Buck tries. He tries to keep it together. He just doesn't know how.

Seizures stop abruptly and Buck can't really distinguish his exhale from the doctor's one. He just slides down the wall, closes his eyes and hugs his own knees.

He… didn't think it through. When Athena told him to stay. He didn't think he could witness… he should have thought about it! 

The monitors are still beeping and Buck is afraid to open his eyes and check it. That's childish. He tries to convince himself and it doesn't work. He just curls on the floor and hides his face to his knees. 

The monitors are still beeping and Buck keeps shivering in the rhythm of it.

Doctor Sofer inhales. Very loudly. 

‘Stand up. Take the ambu. I need Carol’s help and I really want to avoid re-intubation. So.. if you won't go away - do something useful’

And Buck stands up 

***

Bobby sits in his kitchen and looks at the wall. He sits there for an hour straight fighting his very deep and dark intention to stand up, open the kitchen drawer. And take out the bottle of scotch. He's that broken. But he knows for sure it won't help. No. It makes everything only worse. Especially now.

‘Bobby’

Athena comes into the kitchen. She's in her night gown but the bags under her eyes screams she didn't sleep a bit.

‘You need to rest.’

‘I… Athena. Are you sure?’

Is she sure he needs to rest? Well, yes. But he doesn't ask about that. She knows exactly what he's asking about.

‘I am. I wasn't in the beginning. Buck convinced me. His reaction was… you know Buck’

‘I’m not sure if I want to believe you… or don't. Because Athena. If it is really him. We left him. I left him. I left one of my guys to go through, I'm not even sure what to call it. So I'm asking for the last time. And I trust you. Is it really Diaz?’

He knows Chim is pretty sure and he knows he's hanging on the straw of illusion he knows is illusion after all. But he still asks and Athena has to answer. 

Athena takes a breath. And takes out her phone she made pictures on.

‘I… Maybe that's the best way for you. Look. But I have to warn you. It's hard.’

Bobby takes the phone. Swipes between photos. Slowly. Then raises his eyes at Athena 

‘You tell me this guy is… first of all, alive?’

She nods and Bobby squints. Chim's reaction gets much more clear now. Buck's reaction also. To be fair Buck held on pretty great in that case. 

And… he checks the pictures again. Tattoos. Scars. Face. Everything. 

Bobby puts the phone on the table and hides his face in his palms. 

He doesn't ask anymore. He doesn't need it anymore. 

Athena sits next to him and holds his shoulders. Feels him shivering.

‘I know. We..’

She stops. For now she has nothing. No plan. For now she isn't even sure she's not lying saying he's alive.

He should be. Otherwise Buck would have called already. Or his scream would have been heard around LA.

‘We have to get him back home’

Bobby's voice is a little muffled but steady. And Athena nods again even if he doesn't see her.

She knows they have. She doesn't know how for now 

***

Buck doesn't know how long it takes. He pumps. The doctor changes IVs, checks something, swears at numbers. Carol brings the crash cart and for the second Buck thinks - if something goes wrong. If Eddie… Then Buck himself would need the crash cart. 

‘BP is dropping’

‘Adrenalin’

Buck pumps. He tries to ignore voices around. He tries to ignore beeping. He pumps and watches the body on the bed. Weak, pale and injured. 

The body he remembers being fit and able to climb on the drainpipe. 

The body even Hen called ‘handsome’. 

That's unfair and wrong on so many levels.

He pumps.

The doctor and nurse work.

The monitors beep.

Buck pumps and keeps whispering. Something stupid and silly. Something like.. no. Not again.

They found him already. He just can't… he can't.

Buck's hands are steady. He counts. He pumps.

The crash cart is a giant magnet for him. It's there. He sees it. He knows what it means. He doesn't want to know it. He doesn't want it to be here. 

He pumps.

And then the door opens.

‘Dr. Noah Sofer?’

‘Out!’

Buck shivers. He doesn't expect this doctor to be so strict.

‘I need a patient chart’

‘You need to get yourself fucking out of here or you'll have a chart for the dead body!’

Buck raises his eyes and watches the grey suit smile. 

‘It works for me’

Buck misses the pump.

It… what?!

The doctor's voice gets so cold it literally lowers the temperature of the room

‘Get the fuck out of here. I'll come when I'm done. Keep pumping!’

The last part is definitely for Buck. He takes a short breath and catches the rhythm.

The door closes.

Did he really say ‘it works for him’?!

***

Buck's hands are still pumping the imaginary ambu even after Carol takes it from him. 

‘Stable…’

Doctor Sofer exhales so loudly Buck shivers a little. Then looks at the monitors. Numbers are good - more or less. But it was the same just an hour ago so apparently it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean it won't get down again.

He's in the hospital. He's under the doctor’s control. Buck is right here.

Buck is here now and it doesn't mean Eddie survives. It doesn't mean they didn't leave Eddie alone in something terrible he had to survive and now he's here and he still has to survive and…

Buck clenches his fists and swallows the internal scream. That all feels like a nightmare.

‘I need to finally file this. The lack of a medical chart at this point is worse - it creates too many questions…You just saw it. To be fair, in any other situation I'd share it with my colleagues. The state in general, blood tests, everything. Great proof of the human body’s abilities.’

You don't know, thinks Buck, anything what he's capable of. The well. The shooting. His awful parents. His stupid friend.

Doctor Sofer raises his eyes straight at Buck 

‘I need to go to the front desk. Fulfil the chart. Then find this guy and give it to him. Then I'll come back here and you, Buck… need to go and eat something. I don't need two patients here and the second option is IV with glucose I prefer to avoid for now. And…’

Buck watches him in horror. 

‘I’ll do whatever I can. I'm not dealing with anyone saying they don't care about the patient, only paperwork. I'm too old for this’

It should calm Buck down, probably. It fails. When the doctor and Carol leave, Buck deeply inhales and feels instant dizziness from abnormal normal amount of oxygen finally getting into his lungs. Looks around. It's only him here. 

Only him - and…

‘Eddie…’

Buck is still standing next to the bed and whispers 

‘You have absolutely no right to die now, you know? Not now.. not after I know.’

***

‘Doctor Noah Sofer?’

‘Depends’

He's filing his patient and the last thing he needs now is the distraction from someone in a suit. He needs to recall how much adrenaline it was…

‘Standard. One mg five minutes’ - thanks God for Carol staying right next to him and watching him doing this stuff. He's a doctor in the end, not a clerk. 

He types it down 

‘Dr. Sofer. I need your patient’s chart. Now.’

He shrugs 

‘You're not alone. As you can see I'm working on it’

‘It's another Topanga fire case victim, isn't it?’

The doctor stops typing and looks straight at the suit 

‘You interrupted my work. You saw the patient. Did he look like a fire victim to you?’

The gray suit shrugs 

‘That's a general question. I don't really care how it looks. If it's connected to Topanga - I need to know’

Doctor Sofer frowns on the word ‘it’ and proceeds, very irritated.

‘You’ll be surprised but Cedar Sinai is a big hospital. With a lot of patients. Not everyone is your business. And definitely none of them is ‘it’. And now, sorry, I need to finish it.’

He goes back to the system. Checks everything once more. Clicks ‘Save’.

Turns away from the desk - and bumps into the grey suit. He's still there 

‘Who is that guy in the room? He's not a hospital staff’

Doctor Sofer spills through his teeth 

‘That's also none of your business I guess. Figure it out.’

He promised not to kick Buck out. He didn't promise to cover him. Yet he's covering him. It won't work for long.

Chapter Text

He can see the hospital is acting like a bee hive lost its queen. He can get the reason for that. He just can't think how to use it now. And he has to come up with something. Quickly. Because people in grey suits are already here. And it would be too bold to assume it won't affect him. Most probably he and his work is the main reason they are here.

If his brother is also somewhere here? Could he survive the fire?

He doesn't want him to survive. He didn't want to survive himself. 

No one had to survive in the lab but apparently LA firefighters personnel are too professional. 

‘Sorry. Miss..’

He checks the badge on the nurse next to his bed

‘Laura… Do you know if there's another fire victim here? Looks just like me?’

She shrugs with a very sympathetic face

‘I'm sorry, I don't know. Is he your brother?’

‘Twin… I have to know if he's fine’

Technically, he has to know if he's not fine. But tomato-tomato, doesn't matter.

She looks at him even more sympathetic 

‘Maybe ICU… or trauma bay. There's a lot of unidentified persons, sorry.’

He tries to act sad. How do people do this? Anyway. His attempt plus his bandages and he's being here in the hospital in general - it helps 

‘You know what… I can check. Or, you know…’

He makes his face more vulnerable. At least he hopes so. This nurse is an idiot, he thinks but hell it's his luck.

‘We can go through the ICU. Anyway they need to identify people there. It should be handy!’

She's literally glowing. He nods.

‘Thanks.’

It could be handy, yes. For very different reasons.

***

He underestimated the mess. He gets it right away when they step into the hall. 

Too many actions. Too many grey suits - he tries to hide his face for now even if it doesn't matter much, they most probably know he's here. He hears their talks about ‘topanga fire’ here and there.

The nurse, Laura, walks him down

‘I'm sorry for it, that's something new’

Oh kid, he thinks. It's me who should be sorry for it. But I'm not. Still worth it. Now I just need to know the aftermath before them.

They walked through the ICU looking in the windows and he shook his head. No. His brother isn't here. 

And he counts. Five, seven? Okay, ten people at least. Well, he's not the best arsonist, he definitely made a mistake somewhere. Maybe there wasn't enough solvent? 

She stops next to the trauma bay.

‘Actually it's a restricted room, we need to get a permit from the trauma team leader, as I know for now it's doctor Sofer… you know, I can see him there, so we can try. He's very understanding, I think he's one of the most humane person in trauma… it should be fine. And he also needs to check his patient identity after all, we have a full unit of Johns and Janes Doe!’

She slightly opens the door. He looks inside and for the first time he feels the ground crumble under his feet.

The object three-seventeen. The only thing he does not expect to see ever again. 

The doctor, standing with his back to the door, talking with someone, turns around. And asks not very politely 

‘Can I help you?’

‘We are searching for my patient twin brother..’

‘I doubt…What?’

***

Buck is speaking with doctor Sofer for ten minutes already. Mostly about why specifically he needs to get a coffee and something to eat. And, in a perfect world, he also needs to have a shower. 

That's right, he knows it. He just can't afford it yet. He's not leaving the room. 

Their discussion takes the third round already - Buck thinks he likes this doctor in general but he's too stubborn! - when the door opens. There's a nurse and…

If Buck holds something in his hands he would definitely drop it. Because he knows this face.

That's the person from the fire. White coat. Ethanol. 

Now he doesn't have a coat obviously. But this face. He still looks stressed. 

And…

There's clicking in Buck's brain 

He told him and Ravi. He said there's nothing in the basement. Only lab rats.

Only ‘The object'.

He…

Buck moves so instantly only Sofer's hand stops him. Literally - he catches Buck's hand and holds it so tight Buck can swear it leaves a mark. But maybe it's for the best. Otherwise he would make a scene in the trauma bay. And most probably he would be kicked out from here. It's not worth it.

This person called Eddie ‘The object'! 

The white coat slowly shakes his head. Buck can read his lips. Something like… object again.

He takes another attempt to move. This doctor is so strong that's insane!

The nurse looks confused 

‘Sorry, I don't get it…’

‘That's not… my brother. Sorry to interrupt’

He takes several steps back and quietly exhales. That's… well, everything is bad but this is terrible.

And… he needs to check his object’s chart. That should be fascinating data, he needs to have it. The object three-seventeen is full of surprises and scientific flaws.

And he shouldn't be alive. 

***

When the door closes Sofer turns to Buck with an unreadable face 

‘I need an explanation. Now. And it should be a good one. Why the hell did you try to attack the patient?’

Buck gasps. He needs to call Athena. Now. He has no idea how to…

Or he needs to find this guy. And beat him up. For every scar on Eddie's skin. For every silver hair. For every moment Chris thought his dad was dead. For every moment Buck had to live without him.

It's unexplainable. 

‘I… he…’

‘Get a grip. Before I kick you out. I'm waiting’

Buck takes a breath 

‘I need to know who he is… he can't… he mustn't be anywhere near E…the patient.’

Buck still can hear his own pulse on his ears. He forgot he could feel so much fury. 

‘That doesn't count as an explanation, you know that?’

‘You don't… I… I can't explain.’

‘Then I have no other choice’

Sofer purses his lips and looks away. Buck looks down at the floor. He can't leave. Now he knows it for sure. 

‘Carol.. please, make sure this person won't be anywhere near this room. I don't know, think of something. Infection. Collapse. Anything. And you...' - he turns back - 'Still owe me one. And now - coffee and something to eat. That's a medical order and I won't take ‘no’ as an answer.’

He silently exhales 

‘I can read lips, you know?’

***

Doctor Sofer won this round. Buck sits next to the trauma bay with a cup of oddly sweet coffee in one hand and his phone in another. And looks at his phone. He has so many missed calls but for some reason his first intention is dialing Eddie's number. Leave a message. 

He won't of course. He locked this number. He has to unlock it. 

But firstly… Eddie needs to wake up. Then Buck will hear his voice. Not in the voicemail message. Eddie is alive. He's right there. Behind the wall. Buck saw him. 

He still can't fully believe in it. 

He holds his phone tighter. Basically he wanted to call Athena but for some reason…

‘Buck!!’

‘Chris! Hi.’

He can't. Athena is important. But Chris… Chris is everything and Buck promised to call him the moment he has a chance 

‘Buck, are you okay, when are you coming home?’

Buck closes his eyes

‘I'm fine. I.. have to be here for some time. I promise you, everything is fine. I'll come home the second I can. Actually I needed to call Athena to check it. Chris, how are you, did my sister treat you well?’

He hears Chris chuckles 

‘Well… now we all know the taste of baby formula. Don't recommend it, your cooking is significantly better… Buck I miss you.’

Chris’s intonation changes instantly 

‘Do you promise you're fine and come back soon? I… don't want to go back to Texas' 

Buck slightly knocks the wall with his head. 

‘I promise. I'm fine. I'll be back soon’

He can't say ‘I'm with your father’ yet and it kills him. For many reasons.

‘Chris. I love you. Be nice. Help Maddie. Don't eat baby food, you're too old for this! I need to call Athena so I have to go.’

Chris inhales 

‘You promised you'll be home soon. Tell that to her. I need supervision!’

Buck laughs and ends the call. And he's ready to dial Athena’s number.

But there's that guy. Still in the hallway. Waiting for his nurse apparently.

Buck should not do anything. He should not!

He doesn't know how he got there. Next to that guy. 

Athena would kill him.

***

Buck's first intention, the one that is ridiculously hard to fight and he thinks he deserves a prize for actually fighting it, is to crush that guy into the wall. 

But he doesn't do it. He just looks. He doesn't even know what to say 

The guy starts first and when he speaks Buck needs to fight this intention again. Cause the first thing he says is

‘For some reason I always thought firefighters save people first. Not objects.’

That hurts so much Buck sinks his nails into his palm. 

And the guy keeps talking. He doesn't smile. His face has no emotion on it at all

‘I was wrong. So my brother is supposedly dead and three-seventeen is here. Pretty sure it won't survive anyway. According to my calculations it should be over already. But that medical chart should be fascinating.’

The only thing stopping Buck now - Athena would be mad. Still he finally manages to spit

‘He's a person. Not an object. Not ‘it’.’

‘If you say so’

The guy shrugs and Buck feels his own nails go deeper through his skin. He still doesn't know why he can't beat this person up right here. And Athena’s threat doesn't look so scary now.

Buck takes a deep breath

‘You know I can go to the police right now cause it's pretty much a confession?’

The guy shrugs again and points somewhere with his head

‘It's definitely not the police responsibility. Good luck with it. My nurse is back. I'll go search for my brother you most probably left to die in the flames’

It should be some kind of insult… but it's not. Buck is a professional in the end. He knows you can't save everyone. He knows he saved who he had to.

And he needs to go back there. And never leave his side.

Athena… well, text would do.

***

Carol hears it first. She checks the IVs while doctor Sofer adds something to the chart and Buck is taking a nap next to the bed. She stops abruptly and bends to the bed. The doctor raises his eyes

‘What is it?!’

He's loud. Not intentionally. He's just tired and annoyed to the top. Buck also opens his eyes and starts to look around.

Carol shushes them.

‘Listen… I think…’

Sofer comes closer. And Buck is already on his feet, basically glued to the bed. The panic inside him makes his moves sharp.

There's nothing. Buck can hear only breathing. A little shallow but quite calm. He doesn't notice his own breathing takes the same tempo. 

And then… It's quiet. It's so quiet Buck would definitely miss it if he isn't so close. It's more like an exhale 

‘Evan'.

He would sit down on the floor if he doesn't hold onto the bed. 

The doctor watches him. And takes a step back. Silently shows Carol to come with him. 

Buck bends lower. Closer to the person on the bed 

‘Eddie!’

His throat closes. The next sound leaving him is something between a sob and a howl. And he just can't stop.

Chapter Text

Back to his childhood he learnt about heaven and hell. It was a part of the catholic education when they told you how to be good and humble and end up in hell regardless just because you lied to your grandma when you were three.

And he knew it for a long time. Hey, this move with CO should have been taken as a suicide by Saint Peter himself.

So this is hell. 

That explains a lot.

At least it explains the soundtrack. Like someone is ugly crying right next to him. Choking on air. Unable to stop.

And he knows that voice he can hear through the sobbing. He loves that voice. 

That voice calling his name.

That just can't be hell at this point. Because… it can't.

And it can't be Evan. There's absolutely no way Evan could be…

Okay, get it together, object three-seventeen! Open your eyes!

He exhales. Well, he also feels the oxygen tube in his nose. An odd thing for hell to be honest. 

He blinks. The ceiling is white and the light is bright. His heart misses the beat. That can't be right. There was fire. He should have died. So that is hell after all? But… 

The sobbing and gasping are still there. And the voice keeps calling his name. That voice belongs to…

‘Evan?..’

It can't… that's insane. 

There's literally a moan. 

‘Eddie…’

He blinks again. And the ceiling is not there anymore. There's Buck's face.

That's the best view he had in…forever.

And it hurts.

It hurts so much physically he squints. 

Maybe… maybe it's his brain again. And that's not real. It … surprisingly it makes sense. Maybe it's his last dream. He can live through a very painful meeting with the person who kept him alive while actually dying in the tiled shower surrounded by CO, smoke and flame. 

He prefers straight hell to be honest. That's too cruel even for his brain that obviously hates him.

Buck inhales convulsively. And tries to stop crying. And fails.

Eddie wants to calm him. Buck went into hysterics already, he can't even take a breath, that's not okay and Buck… Buck has to be okay. 

That's not real Buck but it doesn't matter, right?

‘Why…’

Eddie used his voice so rarely lately and his throat is bruised with smoke apparently so his voice sounds a bit husky. And hardly hearable. Buck hears it. And for some reason cries more.

That's genuinely insane. If it's Eddie's last dream he could at least try to imagine Buck being happy, right?

And what type of dream is it if he can't even stay conscious for long enough to actually talk? Or move?!

He tries anyway.

He moves his hand. Just an inch.

Buck holds it like a lifeline.

***

‘Carol. Can you please bring a glass of water? He definitely needs it. And I still don't need two patients. He'll be right there in a minute.’

She nods and rushes away from the room. But she closes the door behind her shut.

Doctor Sofer smiles.

‘Buck?’

Nothing. He leans to the patient bed, basically lays on it, holds the patient hand so carefully like it's a china cup, and cries. At least his breathing is quite consistent now.

The doctor calls again 

‘Buck!’

Buck slightly raises his head. Tears keep running but his sight is mostly sober.

‘You need to vent.’

He shakes his head and holds the patient tighter

‘I'm not kicking you out! But you really need it. To stand up. Have a glass of water. Take a breath. Right behind the door, no further. I'll keep an eye on…’

Doctor Sofer exhales with a soft grin

‘On a person you told me you don't know anything about. Really.’

Buck doesn't move and he proceeds convincingly. From his perspective 

‘It's a good sign. I… didn't expect him to wake up’

‘So early?’

Doctor Sofer keeps quiet and that's precisely his answer. He didn't expect him to wake up in general. Buck catches it and looks straight at him

‘I'm practicing for quite a time, Buck. I can read blood results. And I saw him when you brought him here. That's not the point. The point is - he's awake already. I'm here. And now you stand up. And go to Carol. Take the water. Drink it. And count. To three hundred by tens. Then you can go back.’

His voice is calming for some reason Buck doesn't really understand. And he agrees. Stands up. Goes to the door.

‘By the way… this person. Any medical allergies I need to know?’

Buck shakes his head.

‘Nothing I can think of.’

He comes outside. 

There's Carol with a glass of water and a sandwich.

‘Take it. You need to eat. You know…’

She smiles and Buck can't remember her smiling before 

‘When there's something wrong on the plane they start the food service. People can't eat and panic at the same time. So please, eat’

He nods a little distant. He didn't know that. He hates planes. She smiles wider

‘It’ll be fine. Come inside when you're finished’

She hides behind the door leaving him there. He takes a bite without tasting anything. Slowly chews. And takes his phone out.

He has to make a call.

***

Chim wakes up. His phone is ringing. Who would call in the middle of the night?

He takes it. ‘Buck’

Chim answers immediately. Because it's Buck. So … there's news. 

‘Chim..’

Buck takes a pause and Chim hears him counting under his breath. Something like ‘twenty…thirty…’ but then Buck proceeds 

‘He's awake’

‘He's what?!’

Maddie starts to rumble next to him. Then sits. Silently asking, who's that. Chim answers with his lips only ‘Your brother’ and goes back to the phone. Buck loudly breathing. And still counting for some reason 

‘Fifty.. Chim, he's awake.’

Chimney almost drops his phone.

‘Are you sure?’

Maddie's signalling him constantly but Chim ignores her, listening to Buck 

‘Yes…seventy… he recognised me? It feels like it’

Chim swallows the air so loudly Buck asks 

‘Are you ok?’

Buck sounds worried. Mostly because he hears Chim's hesitation. 

‘Are you?!’

There's another quiet counting: ‘One hundred’… Buck made it to the hundred already.

‘No. But I need to… hell I forgot how to count!’

‘One hundred ten. Buck. Inhale. I… That's good, right?’

He doesn't sound sure. And Buck's lack of answer isn't reassuring also

‘I… I think so?’

Chim waves at Maddie to stop her from taking his phone 

‘Okay. Keep me updated. And inhale. It should be good.’

There's some noise in the phone, another counting and Buck disconnects.

Chim carefully puts his phone down. And stands up. Maddie finally breaks 

‘Howie, what the hell? Why did my brother call you, not me? Who were you discussing? Is my brother okay?!’

Chim slowly nods and goes to the door. Stops right in the doorframe 

‘I need a drink. Wanna join? But no questions asked. And Buck is fine’

Buck is fine. Eddie… Chim doesn't expect him to wake up so early. Hell he must be so confused. And hurt. And… 

Maddie comes into the kitchen when Chimney searches for something on the shelves 

‘Upper right. Whiskey. So I can't ask anything?’

‘I can't answer anyway. But you can ask’ 

He takes the bottle and glasses

‘You seem… Chim, are you okay?’

Funny enough. Chimney shrugs. He can't answer even that question. 

***

Maddie goes to sleep in an hour. Chim keeps sitting in the kitchen watching the night go out. 

Buck didn't say much. He actually didn't say anything. He said Eddie's awake. And recognised Buck. 

That's much. That's too much at some point. 

What do they do next? Just break the news? Something like ‘We thought you're dead. We held a funeral for you. I hit your father on it! You have a pretty grave by the way.’

Fascinating. 

And then what? The guilt is unbearable to the point Chim can't stand up. But he has to. Buck called him. He's in charge now. He just doesn't know what specific actions he has to take. If he should take any? Not that there's much he can do right now. 

Bobby would definitely see he spent the night drinking. Whatever.

Diaz, son of a bitch. Welcome back to the world of living. You were missed.

Chim takes a sip.

***

‘When was the last time you slept properly?’

Buck slowly shakes his head. That's a tough question. He knows the answer

‘Honestly? April…’

He knows even the date specifically. The night before the lab. Even though they spent most of it arguing who should move out in the end. Eddie's position was ‘no one’... Buck takes a short breath. 

Doctor’s face changes. Apparently honesty wasn't the best choice. 

‘I’m sorry?’

Buck squints and smiles just a little. Okay. He has more acceptable answer for that. 

‘I mean… two, three days ago?’

Sofer doesn't seem convinced. 

‘... Still a disaster. Well. You need to…’

Buck is ready to start to argue when the door opens. 

‘Sofer. Quick talk.’

And then - Buck is so surprised he bites his tongue - the doctor nods and goes out the door with no explanation whatsoever. 

Carol frowns, checking the monitors

‘That's odd.’

She catches Buck's stare. Exhales. Buck noticed she's also quite exhausted. They all are. 

‘It's Doctor Lass. Chief of medicine. He's on vacation…’

She pauses

‘In Hawaii. At least he was. So there's something very big happening’

Sofer comes back in forty minutes - Buck manages to curl on the floor next to the bed so closely he can hold Eddie's hand in case Eddie wakes up again. He can't think he's alone.

Doctor Sofer watches it with a complicated face.

‘That’s nice… You need to call your police friend. Because I just got suspended. Carol..’

He looks at her with a smile 

‘As I remember you ignored your vacations for months? Your vacations caught you anyway.’

He turns back to Buck 

‘I did my best. From 8 AM tomorrow all people from Topanga are not under Cedar Sinai’s responsibility. Your friend … sorry! ‘The person you know nothing about’… was separately mentioned. Something with his blood tests. I know what. I think I know it.’

He swears under his breath and locks the door before proceeding 

‘Buck. You have to know. It's bad. It means there was something that shouldn't exist. Because Cedar Sinai is quite a big hospital. And they basically shut it down. And everyone who worked with Topanga victims - nurses, doctors, coroners, med techs - is suspended.’

Buck looks at him and blinks slowly. He hears words. The meaning is running away.

‘What?’

‘We have all night before they rearrange the ICU for Topanga victims only. Closed facility. Security…. No regulation from the hospital itself’.

Buck blinks again and stands up.

‘And…’

‘And it looks like clean-up operation’

Buck turns his head. Just a little. To see Eddie's face. He's unconscious. No. He's just sleeping. Buck hasn't seen him for almost half a year. He can't just lose him again.

***

Buck stands next to the door. He basically holds the door handle with one hand while holding the phone in another. Dialing Athena. What if she's sleeping? What if she's not next to her phone? What if..

She answers so fast like her phone was in her hands already 

‘Buck?’

He closes his eyes. How to articulate everything?

‘Athena. I… I don't know what's going on and I think I need your help’

She pauses for a moment 

‘I… Buck, you have to know that I was moved out of that case. Of every case. I'm off duty until the future notice which as I suspect won't come before that mess is over’

Buck squeezes his phone to the point he hears a crack

‘Hell. Okay. There's something… all the personnel connected to the fire victims are suspended and they move things around and…’

Buck subconsciously avoids any names 

‘And I'm not going anywhere. So I need a plan. ’

She keeps silent before slowly speaking 

‘Buck. I need to know word by word what you were told.’

‘Sofer said… all ICU rearranged for fire victims. No hospital control. External security. Athena… he said it's a clean-up operation. And also… Our patient was mentioned separately. So…' 

Another pause. Heavy one. And then Athena asks

‘Did Sofer send you away?’

Buck smiles. Softly. No one can see that

‘No. And even if he tries - I'd be here. He's not in charge anymore. But he didn't say anything.’

Loud inhale 

‘Okay. Stay while you can. But when they ask you out - you go out. Don't resist.’

Buck chuckles 

‘Hell no. Athena, I…’

‘You do understand they will kick you out anyway? Buck, I still don't know for sure who we are facing now. But that's not on a police level.’

She doesn't know. She has an idea. That idea looks legit and that's awful because it makes it quite unbeatable.

And she doesn't know what to do.

And she knows for sure if Buck doesn't go voluntarily it would end up poorly - they would kick him out. By force if he wouldn't obey. And he won't obey. 

She takes a breath.

‘Do you have any timeframe?’

There's Buck's turn to be quiet for a second 

‘Doctor Sofer said till 8 AM.’

‘I’ll think of something. Try to stay close. Don't do anything stupid!’

Buck nods again. He never does stupid things!