Chapter Text
That night Garrus took her to another nature path, showing her some of the more spiritual areas of Cipritine. She gasped when she saw the traditional temple. It was much more angular than the buildings she had seen in the city. The jagged edges of metal mimicked the shapes of the mountains in the distance. She treated the area with respect, seeing the area as a special place full of meaning to the turian next to her
“We believe that everything has a spirit. A spirit to guide and protect” he explained. “We respect the spirits and their guidance” his gloved hand brushed an old carved column of the temple shrine that helped hold up the roof.
“That’s… beautiful” she responded. Lost for words
“What do the vextra believe in?”
“We believe that the very best of us become Ancestors. They guide the current and future generations using the wisdom they gained when they are alive” Zoji explained. She hoped that telling him wouldn’t be deemed as too much. For her family, it included so much more she couldn't tell him
“Hmm. So only the very best?”
“Yes, everyone who doesn’t do their best is meant to be forever forgotten.” She whispered.
“That’s… harsh”
“The vextra are harsh” she muttered bitterly, looking away and pursing her lips as she looked down. She knew that better than anyone. People blamed her and found her personally at fault for something put in place over a millennia ago by her family.
“You’re not” he retorted, turning to look at her.
She scoffed “I can be” she countered.
He chortled “I have yet to see you be harsh Zoji. I highly doubt you have it in you”
Images of a broken body at her feet, her hands shaking and bloody filled her mind and threw her into a memory she’d rather forget.
The smell of blood, not her own, soaking through her olfactory orifices, hide, and clothing as she looked down horrified at her bloody hands, claws still partially extended. The body at her feet moaned, a guttural groan of intense pain. Barely able to move from the broken bones and slashed up hide.
Her doing
Stunned silence surrounded her as shocked faces looked at the young vextra in the sparring circle that shouldn’t have survived. Behind her another crumpled up body, moaning in pain. That one smaller, her age. The one in front of her larger, multiple years her senior.
“57!” An adult called out. She whirled around, eyes widened in terror
What was going to happen to her?
“Zoji?” Garrus called, his hand gently placed on her shoulder to shake her from the memory that she was mentally lost in.
She shook her head, shaking the memory from her head. Her body still acting like it had just happened. That she was still the young initiate still in training. She was breathing deeply, as if she had just gotten out of a fight to the death spar. She was looking at her hands, expecting to see light blue blood drip off of her fingers and claws but finding nothing
“Are you okay?”
“Sorry. Bad memory” she shook her head again, trying to calm her breathing.
Garrus still looked concerned. His mandibles seemed to flutter as he was lost in thought. “Do you want to get something to eat?”
“Sure. No alcohol” she stated, he gave her a big grin
“I agree”
The meal had been tasty and Garrus brought her to the night market afterwards at her pleading. She enjoyed seeing the flora bloom and come to life at night and the excitement in the air momentarily had Zoji relax even though she was in a crowd. Everything was so vibrant, and colorful. Lights were strung up to light the way to and through the market and stalls had lit up decorations and goods to help them stand out.
Zoji found herself in awe at what was around her and began looking around. She came across some basic asari clothing and contemplated buying some. She really didn’t have much in terms of physical clothes.
Garrus pointed at one, a skintight dress.
“What about this?”
“If doesn’t have a place for a tail” she told him, deciding not to explain that the idea of wearing a dress like that was not appealing. She never had worn a dress before and didn’t want like the idea of the material being so close to her body unless it was a suit or her armor.
He hummed. “What about this?” he asked, showing her a short-sleeved shirt that would show her midriff. She stared at it in shock.
He put it down upon seeing her reaction.
She shrugged and left the stall opting not to explain.
Garrus wanted to ask, but decided it best not to based off of her reaction. She searched around and found a vase that looked pretty and purchased it along with some flowers, slightly uncomfortable with how expensive all the flowers were.
She happily walked with Garrus to his home. He looked amused. Once back, she put the flowers on the table and arranged the flowers to look nice she went upstairs to grab the piece of messa that Sri and wrapped the suvex in and wrapped it along the neck of the vase, smiling at how it accented the flowers.
“You’re not taking them to your room?”
“They are a gift for your mother”
“You gave her a gift already”
“She deserves another”
He laughed softly.
“You’re going to get her so used to being spoiled it’s going to make me look bad for not doing the same” he teased.
“You should” she retorted, no playful teasing lilt in her voice. She was completely serious and leveled him a look.
He looked down feeling awkward.
“I’m sorry. I… Your mom reminds me of mine. I miss her so much.” She admitted, voice cracking and full of emotion. With the memory she had relived earlier her emotions were harder to tamper down. “I regret not treating her like this. Showing how much I appreciate her kindness and love.” Her voice cracked again.
Garrus looked stunned. Zoji took a deep quivering breath in as an attempt to calm herself down, her earlier reliving of her past making her emotions evermore overwhelming
“I’m going to go to bed. Goodnight Garrus”
She passed him without looking at him. He pondered her words. The regret she had on her face and in her voice. Then looked at the flowers on the table.
He headed back out to the night market.
She was right.
Zoji padded nearly silently downstairs with a small yawn
“Good morning Zoji. Did you sleep well?” Monell asked happily.
“Yes, I did Monell. Did you like the flowers I got you?” she asked cautiously
Monell’s eyes twinkled brilliantly. “Yes, Zoji. Thank you so much” she wrapped the vextra in a hug unexpectedly. Knowing how uncommon it was to have them show affection like this.
Zoji felt tears form in her eyes at the contact she hadn’t had in years. Although her body felt different, it still reminded her of her mother. She sniffled in an attempt to keep her emotions at bay before breaking down and sobbing into the female turian’s shoulder “It’s okay. Let it out” she cooed as she lightly let her talons dance on her back. Garrus watched silently from the kitchen, slightly stunned at the act of affection his mother as giving her. He eyed the gift he had purchased his mother the night before. A little talisman that he had packaged up with a note that told her how much he appreciated her for treating the vextra like the mother she lost. His eyes went back to the two women. Zoji’s sobs were quieting down. Her breathing quivering as she tried and failed to normalize it. “There, there.” Monell cooed, gently brushing away her tears from her tear stained velvet hide when she pulled away. “Sometimes we need a good cry.” She pressed her crest to her forehead. Zoji letting out a tiny gasp at the contact. Garrus watching now wide-eyed “Losing a mother is difficult. Know that I am happy to fill that need if you wish.” Monell whispered softly. More tears formed in Zoji’s eyes. She wasn’t used to such kindness.
“Why?” her voice cracked
“Why? Why what dear?”
“Why are you so kind to me?”
“I have no reason to be anything but kind to you, dear” she responded without missing a beat “Just because your people treat you so badly does not mean that it is normal.” She added her motherly wisdom. “You will always have a home here and are always welcome here, alright?” she asked, pulling away from her forehead to look her in the eye. Zoji stared in awe at the woman, having no idea how to respond and finding her mind difficult to form a thought, like waking through thick mud. She placed her warm gloved hands on her cheeks on her wide face “You are always welcome here. As far as I am concerned you are family” Zoji’s lip trembled as her emotions rose again. Completely taken off-guard from this level of kindness and compassion. “Now sit and eat. It’s your last day here. It deserves to be special”
She sniffed and wiped her tears and did as requested, sitting down, and trying desperately to compose herself.
Garrus slipped into the seat next to her “I took your advice last night. I got my mom a gift. Seeing her reaction was worth it. Thank you for showing me the error to my ways”
Her emotions, already running wild reached a precipice she frantically was trying to keep at bay. He put a hand on her shoulder offering her a small smile. Monell put a plate full of food unfamiliar to her in front of her and Garrus and set off to make some tea.
Zoji found it difficult to eat. She felt so relaxed here, so welcome. She felt anxiety about returning to Menae later. Her conflicting emotions making her stomach churn menacingly.
“Zoji you barely touched your food” Monell observed, looking concerned.
“I’m… nervous about returning.”
“I already told Decurio Helvius about your issue, he has already begun a plan to keep you safe.” Garrus told her as he sipped his tea.
She groaned and caught her head in her hands.
That wasn’t going to end well.
“It’ll be okay Zoji. We won’t let them harm you” Garrus attempted to comfort her.
She only felt her nerves twist dangerously in her gut.
Her instincts were telling her something bad was going to happen
She just didn’t know what
Or when
Returning to Menae was difficult. The shuttle had no vextra on it, and for that, she was grateful. She knew she would have to deal with them at some point though
After entering the compound Decurio Helvius stopped them both and beckoned them over to his work tent
“Why didn’t you say they had threatened your life?” He asked. She looked down, ears drooping
“I’m used to it”
“Well I’m not”
“Anything you try to do to stop it will only make it worse” Zoji attempted to defend her actions and explain
“And you dying will make it even worse on me and the security team.” He yelled at her. She cowered slightly, but only momentarily. Before she snapped to standing straight and her eyes becoming unfocused. This wasn’t the first time a superior had yelled at her. Her instincts and experiences jumped in before the fear could settle in. Seeing her reaction, he cursed and apologized. “I’m sorry. I like you. You are a hard worker and make no issues. You work ahead of schedule and are kind and courteous to those around you. The security team enjoys your presence. Your death would hurt morale. It would look bad on all of us that we didn’t keep you safe. Even if it is from your own kind. I have adjusted everyone’s schedule. You will not be doing anything alone from now on. Someone will escort you wherever you go. Your tent and work area will be closely monitored from now on. During lunch break we will have multiple members of the security team going through the line with you so you are not alone during the only time you will have to be around your kind. Alright?”
She nodded numbly.
“Good. Tesserarius Vakarian, escort her with Optio Vaana. Optio Vaana will escort her into the locker room you will wait for them outside”
Garrus stood at attention “Yes, Sir”
“Dismissed” Decurio Helvius said with a wave of his hand. Garrus grabbed her bag and the second they were out of the security tent Optio Vaana flanked her side, sandwiching the vextra between the turians.
“How was your trip? Did you enjoy Palaven?” she asked joyfully
“During the night I did. The day was too hot” she complained. The female turian laughed.
“Did you have any trouble?” she asked seriously. Zoji went to shake her head no but stopped
“We discovered I don’t handle alcohol well at all” she admitted. Optio Vaana laughed
“Really? What a pity.” She looked at Garrus “How much did she drink?”
“She had a Thessian Temple with half the alcohol”
“That’s it?” Optio Vaana exclaimed incredulously.
“It was the strangest thing. At first, she was fine, but it was like the alcohol content kept doubling in her system until she was stumbling around” Garrus pondered. Optio Vaana looked at him like he grew a third head
“Really?”
“I had a wicked… what did you call it?” Zoji asked
“A hangover”
“My hangover was fucking awful the next day”
“No alcohol for the vextra. Good to know” Optio Vaana muttered to herself as the two women entered the locker room as Garrus stood watch outside.
Zoji made to change, but noticed the eyes in her direction from the turian.
“Could you look away?”
“Zoji, I’ve seen many a species naked. You’re fine”
Zoji squirmed uncomfortably.
Optio Vaana sighed and leaned on the lockers next to her
“Is this better?” she asked, she wasn’t staring at her outright, but the nearness from another while she had to physically change into clothes was off putting.
“I… guess” Zoji muttered uncomfortably as she began to change out of her suit. She put the helmet in the locker and unzipped and clipped off the pieces of the ill-fitting suit. With just the undersuit she huffed as she got it off and heard the gasp from Optio Vaana as she saw the scars on her body. She covered herself shamefully and quickly with the undersuit she finally got off. Tears forming in her eyes.
She as hoping to avoid this
“How recent are those?” she asked, highly concerned
“I really don’t want to talk about it” Zoji muttered
“Zoji, how recent are those?” Optio Vaana demanded, repeating the question, voice raising
Tears flowed down her eyes. “Can I please get dressed?” she pleaded. Optio Vaana nodded, giving more space as she cleared the locker room and briefly went near the entrance. Zoji quickly put on her pajamas, tears of embarrassment and shame flowing down her cheeks.
Once changed she found Optio Vaana talking quietly with Garrus. She held her middle uncomfortably with her ears back and eyes looking away. Garrus caught sight of her and stopped the conversation.
“Zoji.” He soothed. “Can you please tell us what happened?”
“Must I?” she whispered, voice cracking
Garrus put a hand on her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her.
“Please? Can you tell us something?”
“They were all from my time on my homeworld” she whispered, shifting uncomfortably on the balls of her pawed feet and trying desperately to make herself smaller. Wishing she was invisible
“How recent?” Optio Vaana demanded as softly as she could, which wasn’t very
She sighed, more tears falling
“5 years ago”
“Which ones?” Optio Vaana asked harshly, feeling her anger rise. Zoji felt herself cower
“Vaana stop demanding she answer” Garrus admonished harshly
“You didn’t see, Vakarian. She was littered with scars” she seethed getting close to Garrus’ face.
Zoji held back a sob.
Garrus’ eyes had not left Zoji’s.
“You are upsetting her” he growled, eyes snapping to the other turian.
Optio Vaana stepped back and looked at the vextra and cursed under her breath. Taking a deep breath to calm herself.
“I’m sorry, Zo.” Optio Vaana apologized, making her voice soft, though her anger clearly simmered under the surface.
Zoji refused to look up at the turians. She didn’t want to see the concern, the pity.
Her lips were pursed, tears still flowing, her tail wrapped around her middle under her arms in an attempt at some security and comfort. It provided neither. Her ears were plastered to her skull in her extreme discomfort.
“Let’s get you to your tent okay?” Garrus asked soothingly, watching as she made a barely perceptible nod in agreement. Garrus outstretched his arm to let her start walking and the two turians matched her strides. The walk to her tent was silent and seemed to stretch on forever. Zoji wanted to escape the situation. Wanted to go somewhere where no one knew who she was.
This was quickly becoming her own personal hell.
Sri and Ven had never pried. They had always focused on distracting or using their numbers to keep themselves safe. They had an idea of what had happened, but wanted Zoji to tell them when she was ready. Which she never did. She had carried what had happened to her alone and in silence.
Garrus lifted the tent flap and Optio Vaana entered to clear it. There were a few other of the security personnel around her tent, and when they saw how the vextra was acting they looked both concerned and frustrated at the two military personnel that were escorting her. Optio Vaana left the tent.
“It’s clear.” She stated curtly, anger still bubbling in her body language and tone. Zoji entered quietly, still not looking at her two escorts.
Garrus entered with her. “Where would you like me to put your bag?” Garrus asked. She pointed to a small portable closet wordlessly, still not looking up. He put the bag in the closet, noticing her lack of personal items. “Zoji.” Garrus called to her quietly and softly, trying to get her to look at him “Zo” he tried again. She looked up at him in slight shock. He had never used her nickname. “What can I do to help?” he asked. Remembering her reaction to his mother he opted to ask something different when she didn’t answer “Would you like a hug?” he asked
She barely gave a nod and he enveloped her into his arms, pulling her body into hers. He softly ran his talons along her back as she cried, mirroring what his mother did to her earlier and what she used to do to him as a chick, not wanting to pull her tightly to him with his armor still on.
“Can you tell me what happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to relive it” she whispered pleadingly. “Please don’t make me”
Garrus nodded. “Understand Vaana just wants to help. She’s angry that such horrible things were done to you. If we know what has happened in the past, it helps us make sure it won’t happen now, as well as in the future,” he explained, keeping his voice as calm and soothing as he could. She let out a choked sob.
“I… went to the market alone.” She whispered “I was ganged up on” she paused, pressing her face into his armor at his keel to keep herself from drifting into the horrendous memory, the pressure on her forehead keeping her grounded on the here and now. “They stabbed me and left” she was breathing hard, breath quivering as she breathed in. “They left me for dead” her voice even more quiet. Garrus barely picked out her words. She began shivering as her emotions fought against her as she tried to keep from reliving it again “I was nearly dead by the time Sri and Ven found me”
Garrus was completely still as she was talking, face in complete shock from her words, unseen by the vextra who still had her head pressed into his cowl.
What the fuck was wrong with her homeworld?
How could someone treat anyone like that?
He rested his head on hers while she continued crying, resuming the soothing action of rubbing her back with his gloved talons once his shock wore off.
He was at a loss, completely unsure how to help her.
“That was the most recent?” he asked softly
He felt her head nod against him. He grimaced.
No wonder she wanted off her homeworld. He thought bitterly. It also explains why she doesn’t like crowds
After nearly five minutes of doing nothing more than rubbing her back and standing silently next to her she finally began to calm down.
“I’m sorry” she croaked, the throat sore.
“Why are you apologizing?”
“For crying. For keeping you from your duties. For being so emotional.” She listed off. He wanted to wipe her tears away, but with his armored gloves he didn’t want to risk harming her. She wiped her tears looking frustrated at herself for crying.
“You have no reason to apologize, then.” He told her as he tilted her head by her chin with one of his talons delicately.
She sighed. “You’re wrong. The fact that it happened is shameful” she explained with a bitter bite to her words
“The fact you nearly died is shameful?” he repeated incredulously, watching her nod. “Zo, you were attacked. That isn’t your fault and no reason for you to feel shame”
He watched her body language, already able to tell that she disagreed with him. Glancing at the time he decided not to bring it up or continue. She needed the rest.
“I will let Decurio Helvius know what you told me so you won’t have to repeat it or relive it again, alright?”
“Thank you.” She told him, still not looking up at him. Her emotions felt so raw, especially after the kindness and the emotional build up from being sponsored and meeting his mother.
“Good night, Zo. If you need someone Vaana is outside. She volunteered to take watch tonight”
She sniffled and nodded. Garrus squeezed her biceps and stepped away.
“Good night Garrus” Zoji responded when he walked toward the tent entrance
“Sleep well Zo”
“Thank you, you too” she muttered before going to her sleeping section of the tent.
Vaana leveled him with a look.
“You were in there for a long time” she stated harshly arms crossed over her carapace. Seeing his face she dropped her arms to her sides “She told you something, didn’t she?”
He shook his head as he traced over his fringe in frustration
“Yes.” He muttered. “Keep the fucking vextra away from her.” He told her bluntly, voice simmering in righteous anger at the injustice that had befell the vextra he had befriended, his mandibles stayed close to his jaw
“What did she say?”
He shook his head “Not here. I’m going to Decurio Helvius with the information she told me. Don’t press her on what else she went through. She’s been through enough”
“What does that mean?”
“Not here” he repeated curtly before walking away. Not caring he was being blatantly insubordinate to his superior officer for the sake of his friend.
“I’m sorry, what?” Decurio Helvius uttered, his jaw and mandibles slack. “You can’t be serious”
“Vaana saw a ton of scars on her body. That was the most recent.” He explained somberly. “She feels ashamed from it. Plus, she relives it when she retells it”
“Fuck” Helvius muttered “No wonder she was so opposed to explaining” Garrus nodded in agreement. “I will update the plan of attack on this issue during tomorrow’s briefing” he decided, dismissing the younger turian from the tent
“Yes, sir.”
“Thank you, Vakarian”
“You’re welcome, sir”
Bodies pressed into hers, pushing her away from the main road of the marketplace,
She couldn’t move much. Suffocation from the pressure of the bodies that encircled her
Punches and kicks aimed at her, they didn’t hurt much, their idea of entrapping her in the mess of body not helping their attack in that way
She struggled to block with the amount of people pressing into her. They pressed in harder, making it more difficult to raise her arms and legs to deflect their attacks and defend herself
She felt like she was suffocating. Unable to get a proper lungful of air
Overwhelming
Attacking like this was illegal.
But so was outright murder. No one prosecuted those that murdered her parents. No one would prosecute her attackers either
She stifled a scream when a knife was stabbed in her back, they had discovered this would harm her with more efficiency. One stab wound followed by others, repeatedly stabbing her in the middle of her body.
The only good thing about the bodies pressing against her was that they couldn’t stab higher, to places where she probably wouldn’t survive from.
Blood flowed down her body and legs. Streams of the light blue liquid flowing down like streams of water down her body. The streams merging with each other as more people came forward to do damage to her. The metallic smell permeated her senses with the hot air formed from the mass of vextra around her, making her want to gag. She found breathing becoming even more difficult than before. The crowd began to disperse after their attack, allowing new people to take their place.
Soon, without enough people pressing into her she felt herself fall to the ground, unable to continue standing with the lack of blood in her body. The few still around her didn’t feel like bending down and stabbing her. Instead deciding to kick her limp body.
Her vision started going spotty
After the life I’ve lived, this is how I die? She found herself thinking
She felt so cold, moving her limbs felt so heavy. It was difficult to think, too difficult to do anything but wait for the gentle embrace of death
Her body offering her a miniscule blanket of warmth from the flowing blood from her wounds until the cold air cooled it off.
Her limbs felt so heavy, like they were made of the same stone as the buildings that surrounded them
Colors drained from the last of her vision
Tunneled. Slowly going black
Her breathing slowed.
So much pain
Crack
A particular hard kick to her ribs led to enough pain for her to yell out in a pained anguish. It took so much effort just to do that.
She felt herself shaken awake
She gulped in air, no longer struggling to breathe, clutching her chest
She was shaking violently
Her eyes dashed around the tent, before seeing the female turian with eyes wide, mandibles quivering hear her jaw
“Zo?” Optio Vaana said, voice concerned “You were dreaming…”
Zoji wrapped her blanket closer to her body, pulling her limbs closer to her as she shook.
She wanted to close her eyes but doing so brought her back there.
She didn’t want to go back to that place
“Do you… want to talk about it?” Optio Vaana asked. Zoji shook her head no violently, her hair whipping back and forth from the action, still staring forward
Talking was the last thing she wanted to do.
Talking about it made her remember, remembering gave her the nightmares.
She wanted to forget it.
“Are you okay? Will you be okay?” Vaana asked, sounding awkward
“Eventually” Zoji muttered.
“I’ll be outside if you need me” Vaana eventually said when Zoji didn’t say anything further, just continuing to blankly stare in front of her at the fabric that made up the wall of her tent.
Vaana ducked out.
“Is she okay?” Zoji heard another turian ask Vaana when she stepped outside
“She had a nightmare” Vaana whispered. “She looks shaken up, like soldiers that come back from war and saw stuff. Bad stuff”
“Fucking hell” came the reply as steps of one turian walked away from the entrance of her tent.
Zoji rested her head on her knees. Pushing her eye sockets against them to have the pain to anchor her to the present so her mind didn’t force her back into the past.
After half an hour the vextra lay down, she found herself curling into the fetal position as she tried to go back to sleep.
She didn’t sleep well.