Chapter Text
Collie Parker’s father died when he was five.
He’d been a teacher when Collie and his mom still lived on the reservation. Even now, sitting with his wrists chained down to a metal table in a sterile-white room; he thought back to the days when his mother was also working (a teacher, but the students she worked with were troubled children, and she didn’t think it was the right environment to introduce to Collie so young), how his dad would take him to class along and the older kids would make funny faces at him and make him laugh.
He remembered the smell of their mobile home on that fateful day. Even with the windows open and the birds chirping, there was a bitter tang in the air that Collie didn’t know how to place at five years old. His mother had pulled her inquisitive child away from his father and the smashed bottle of bourbon on the floor. There was red, but he couldn’t process it. He didn’t know what it meant. Mom’s breath was fast and ragged, that’s how he knew to be frightened. She was muttering about getting out of this place. She assures him to this day that she was talking about the trailer and not the reservation, for which she still held love and beautiful memories with her students and family.
“Sometimes, it can be hard to breathe,” she tried to explain to Collie as she tucked him in one night. It felt like a tough lesson for child his age, but none of it should have been happening to a five year old to begin with.
“I always breathe, even when I’m asleep,” Collie scrunched his eyebrows together, thinking. “Even when I don’t really think about it.”
“Are you always able to remember the sound of the birds, even when they have to take a break? If I asked you to close your eyes right now and think about the smell of your favourite cookie, do you think you could?” Collie thought hard, but nodded. “Sometimes adults have so much to think about that they forget about those things all together. Things get familiar and we have to keep bringing light to them. We can't forget what they were like to begin with. It’s important to appreciate what we have, okay?” On one teacher’s salary, they would have to do just that.
Wichahpi Parker pulled together what little savings they had and sold the trailer. With that, she sought to assimilate Collie off the reservation and into the ‘white kid’ public school system. Everywhere she looked back home was overlaid in a grey, dull nothingness. She saw her husband lying there over and over.
Her decision came alongside a blossoming friendship with Ginny Garraty, a fellow teacher who worked at Devil’s Kettle Elementary. Devil’s Kettle was a town with a population of about four thousand people. Though its name sounded ominous, Wichahpi embraced their new start with an open heart and the assurance of Mrs. Garraty that she would be sure to watch Collie around the other kids and make sure no one picked on him.
November came that first school year and brought its own fresh problems. Ginny asked her out to lunch, seemingly distressed, to tell her that the kindergarten class was going ahead with their usual Thanksgiving pageant. Ginny wasn’t Collie’s teacher, but she talked a lot with Mrs. Janil. The kindergarten teacher expressed how upset the rest of the parents would be if they didn’t go about business as usual.
“It’s a crock of shit,” Ginny snapped with a mouthful of Caesar salad.
“Please don’t beat yourself up,” Wichahpi sighed. “I just never really dealt with this kind of thing before; or I didn’t think Collie would..”
“I’m not letting them ride Columbus’ dick in front of your son-“
She grimaced at her friend’s statement, but appreciated her support nonetheless.
Collie felt out of place, more so than the first two months with all new kids to be shy around. He could acknowledge that none of the other kids looked like him; there were a couple boys with skin far darker than his and a lot with the lightest skin he could imagine. He wanted to be friends with everyone. He just had to get over being shy.
Now, however, he was feeling embarrassed in a silly turkey costume. Ginny demanded that she not dress him in culturally appropriated clothing, but at the end of the day he still had to be in the show. There weren’t many practices for a little kids’ pageant: they just learned a simple song about turkey and all had one printed-out line of dialogue to speak in a line.
Collie was to go at the very end, after everyone had to learn names and talk about people who lived a long time ago. He would simply say “And I’m a turkey, gobble gobble gobble” and everyone would laugh.
Collie recognized the headdresses that some of the kids were wearing; he’d seen them in books and on the wooden man that stands outside of the gas station near his old home. He wished he could wear one of those instead of being a silly bird. Wearing something like that on your head meant you were important, from what he heard.
The very last practice before the show was when they all got to wear their outfits for the first time.
“ Can I try that on,” Collie tapped one of the other little boys on the shoulder. The blonde spun around quickly and grinned at him, missing one of his two front teeth.
“Sheee-ur,” he drawled out and gave Collie the feathers. “Can I be the turkey? Wanna trade?” Collie nodded excitedly. Blondie snatched the turkey right off Collie’s head and proceeded to run around and flap his imaginary wings.
“Gareth Barkovitch, you stop running and get in your line right now,” the teacher took his arm. Gary looked about ready to cry. “What are you wearing? I don’t remember you being the turkey.” He pointed to Collie, who was rocking from his toes to heels; he didn’t ever want to be yelled at like this kid was. Collie had seen him get in trouble more than once this year.
Mrs. Janil looked like she had crosshairs pointed at her, “Collie sweetie, can you boys trade back? That’s not very fair, is it? None of the others got to pick.”
“Yeah, being a turkey is better than being a stupid Indian,” a third boy said, also with blonde hair. “My dad says that they wanted to kill all of the pilgrims and eat them.”
“WILLIAM STEBBINS,” Mrs. Janil yelled louder than Collie had ever heard her. He realized he was breathing like his mother had the day she found him with his father. He couldn’t place the feeling, but he felt his face getting wet. “It’s okay, Collie dear-“
Collie threw the headpiece down and ran out of the room. It was then that Mrs. Janil rubbed her temples and called early recess with resumed pageant afterward. She needed to get her small discrete flask from her work bag.
Collie sat behind the swingers and just ran his hand through the smooth pebbles over and over, trying to focus. On his breathing, mostly; his mother’s words were never lost on him, not yet. The ringing in his ears wouldn’t go away. The short sharp crunch of shoes on pebble made his head shoot up to see the blonde whom he’d given the turkey hat to.
“Why are you cryin?’ It’s just a stupid show,” he plopped down by Collie and bonked his head off Collie’s shoulder. Collie wasn’t used to having his space invaded and shied away a bit. He liked having him here. “I’m Gary.”
“I’m Collie,” he muttered back with a shy smile. “Sorry I got you into trouble.”
“Pssshhhaw, I’m already off on the wrong foot with that ol’ bag. ‘Sides, she said you just wanted it because you were actually an Indian.” Collie flinched. Oh, that’s why the mean little boy had said that to him.
“B-But, I don’t wanna kill anyone,” Collie’s lip shook. “It's not true; I would eat with anyone if they wanted me to.” Gary just laughed and slapped his knee.
“It’s just a stupid bully thing, Collie. So what? Billy is a jerkface buttwipe. My buddy Ray says that the pilgrims were actually bein’ real mean and bad to ‘em. He said they probably didn’t even get to eat dinner.” Collie had never seen Ray and Gary sit together at lunch or play at recess, but Gary would always try to crowd in when all the boys stood together. He didn’t think Gary had a best friend. “He says maybe people are still mean for no reason. I’m sorry he was bein’ mean for no reason.”
Gary didn’t have a poet’s way with words, but the sentiment made Collie feel better. When they had to do the play, Gary laughed so hard at his turkey performance at the end that Mrs. Janil had to whisper-yell at him for bows. Then, Collie ran up and hugged his mother as tightly as he could. He told her later what the boy had said, and she said that was a sweet thing for him to do. She would help Collie embrace himself and actually learn more about his heritage. That year, he found himself thankful for two very nice things in his life.
Collie Parker was eighteen years old and one month into his senior year of high school. His mom taught at the elementary school with Ginny, both still beloved by their students year after year. He was glad his mom had an outlet now that he insisted he didn’t want to be coddled anymore. They lived in a quaint one-story with a basement he’d turned into his bedroom. He got straight A’s and really wanted to go to school to become a psychiatrist, really just work in mental health altogether.
Today, Collie had one goal in mind: jam in the library and pound out his ten page paper before seven. Seven was when his best friend Gary Barkovitch would be coming by to pick him up for some bar party event he wanted to go to. As they’d gotten older, Gary felt like he was still that loud and troublesome kid he’d met in kindergarten. Gary was a bit of a freak and rough around the edges. He wasn’t popular, and he could be hard to talk to. Now, he was also a bit of a…slut. Collie didn’t like that word, but he worried about Gary when he’d get a drunken phone call of Gary guffawing and explaining his latest hookup in gruesome detail. Guys who would never talk to Gary in the halls would let him blow them in a bathroom stall. This was partially the reason Collie allowed Gary to get him a fake id.
The other was that, despite everything in his best interest, he was utterly in love with Gary Barkovitch.
He doesn’t know when it happened; when his feelings shifted into something that made him lie awake at night and feel a knot in his stomach. When Gary casually said he’d blown the bar’s bouncer and they probably wouldn’t even check id’s, Collie felt his lunch rise.
Collie opened his locker and dumped all his other books, save for the ones he’d use for today’s paper. Boom boom boom, he’d get it all done. He looked at the tiny mirror in his locker and fixed his hair. The locker door slammed shut just as he’d gotten far enough back not to be hit in the face with it.
“Hey meathead,” Gary grinned that infuriating grin. Collie was outdoorsy, broad in the shoulders, sure- but, meathead? He wanted to throw out a ‘bitch’ back now and then.
“Hey..fucko.”
“You ready to get our drink on tonight and see my favorite baaaaaaaand,” he bounced on his feet. Oh, right; that’s what this was about. The band ‘Low Shoulder’ was playing at the dive bar. “You can be my wingman, my boy toy, make the singer jealous. Maybe I’ll even let you kiss me to get his attention-”
“-GARY,” Gary flinched and Collie put up his hand in apology. “Are you snorting someone else’s adderall again?” Gary bit his lip and nodded. “I’m excited to go, okay? Stop being weird about it.”
“Loosen up, Parker.”
“Clench up, Barkovitch.”
The two burst into laughter and brushed shoulders. “No, really,” Gary said. “You’re my date.” They shared a soft look before Gary was shoved into the lockers by Chad Nelson, running back on the football team.
“Eat my dick, Barkovitch!”
“Run into my back some more, Nelson,” wasn’t his best. Collie knew more about any boy in school than he ever wanted to. He was friends with Ray Garraty and Pete Mcvries, who were also on the football team. The four of them hung out sometimes, but they tended to couple off usually. Ray was the only person that knew about his crush on Gary. He’d called Ray one night after he’d had some of his mother’s leftover book club wine. Gary had been out at a college house party. He called Collie and told him Billy Stebbins was queer as a two dollar bill.
His memories were broken; a lot of things he had to focus hard on to remember, but he never forgot Stebbins calling him a stupid Indian and saying that he wanted to kill people. It had been kindergarten, but it still sat deep in the roots of pride in his heritage. Maybe he fell in love with Barkovitch the day he’d sat next to him and told him he didn’t want anyone to be mean to him for no reason. If he could even conceive of love, then. Well, anyway; Gary and Bill hooked up at the party in Bill’s brother’s room. Collie hung up angry on Gary and sobbed to Ray. The end.
“Well, I’ll see you at seven. Be sure to lube up,” Gary winked and skipped off to his photography class.
He and Ray sat silently across from one another in the library and both worked on their papers. Ray wasn’t going to be joining them at the bar. “I can’t get caught underage,” he shook his head. Yeah, neither could Collie. Without college, Collie feared he would become an alcoholic and kill himself. He blamed the trauma. He was still going to watch Gary. Ray and Collie walked back home together and Ray wished him good luck.
“I don’t really know what you see in Gary romantically. He’s my friend and all, but he's kind of a bitch,” Ray shrugged.
“He’s my best friend. He is a bitch, though.”
“He’s fine enough, but he’s so slappable. And not in the way you think.” Collie pushed him gently. “Bye, buddy.”
“See ya.” Collie ran upstairs to get changed. He had no idea what the vibe was, but this was a dive bar. He settled on a plain black tee under a zip up maroon hoodie and jeans. Cool and casual.
Collie’s mom called up that Gary was here, she thought the boys were going to a movie and staying at Gary’s house. He hated lying to her. Gary jogged up the steps and thumped him with both hands on his shoulders, “You look fucking hot. Too bad I won’t be able to see you in the dark movie theater,” he winked and Collie cringed. Gary had gone for a white puffer coat with a fur hood and the tightest black jeans Collie could imagine on a boy. He held his breath when Gary turned away from him and toward the door. Tight pants. His virgin mind was not immune to propaganda. Mom probably thought they were secretly dating, the way Gary talked to him.
“Let’s just go.”
The bar was backwoods-city. Most of Devil’s Kettle was, but the boots sure thudded strong in this place. He didn’t look at the bouncer, a man who had no right talking to an eighteen year old; he looked twice divorced with three kids.
“You know, I should arrest you for that fake one of these days, Barkovitch,” he growled under his breath.
“You’re not even out of the academy yet, fuckwad. Go on and cuff me though, I know you like that.”
The redhead scratched his stubbly beard and looked at Collie, “This your boyfriend?”
“No, limp dick,” if Gary hated these pricks so much, why did he let them do shit to him? Collie was convinced Gary had no real self-respect. Gary’s father was a piece of work; drinking at the VFW from noon to two in the morning and blaming Gary for it. Gary came into school with a black eye once and said he fell walking home from the bar. Maybe he was so used to punishment that he was a natural glutton for it. “My boyfriend is going to be on stage tonight.”
“He’s dicking you around too huh,” he grunted at Collie, who just looked away. This wasn’t his drama.
“Well I’m going to introduce myself to Nikolai, outta my way,” Gary shouldered past and Collie kept his head down and followed. With his eyes down, his eyes kept finding Gary’s ass in those black jeans. He locked onto it as a guiding point as Gary practically ran over to the band. Collie hoped no teachers would be here tonight.
“You’re Low Shoulder,” Gary sputtered out, getting the singer’s attention.
Here was the thing about Gary Barkovitch: if Collie didn’t know Gary better than anyone, if Gary had never before opened his loud mouth and made a fool of himself…if Gary sat across the room with his hair conditioned like it was tonight in the low light of this dive, he would look fucking beautiful. He did to Collie despite the damnation of knowing him because love made you feel stupid things. Gary was beautiful for a boy. Collie had heard that many times in his own life, mostly due to his long beautiful hair. If someone mistook him for his own mother, he wouldn’t be mad. They were both pretty boys and best friends, but Gary put out and he had to take care of Gary. Ray told him it wasn’t fair; Collie didn’t owe anything to Barkovitch, but Collie did it for the same reason any white boy did. Or so he’d been told.
“And you’re Britney Spears,” the singer turned and smirked. Collie immediately felt heated, but remained behind Gary. His friend was falling over himself, tucking his hair behind his ear and grinning.
“I’m such a big fan of you guys; I got your poster on my wall and everything. You play your instruments really super good.” Collie rolled his eyes, feeling his heart in his throat having to watch Gary flirt right in front of him.
“Wow, you’re something. Nice to know I can watch over you while you sleep. What is your actual name,” he was looking at Gary like a sample tray.
“Gary,” he laughed out. He couldn’t stop laughing through his words. It was a thing Collie noticed when he was nervous.
“Well I’ll play one just for you, Gary..”
“C-Can I get you guys a drink? They do these really cool 9-11 shooters that are red white and blue but you gotta drink ‘em really fast or they turn brown.”
“S-Sure, why don’t you get one of those for each of us?”
Gary shot off too fast for Collie to even bother following.
“Did you see that,” the singer turned to another guy unloading a guitar.
“Hell yeah, think he’s a virgin?” Collie’s head shot up.
“Has to be, the way he was falling all over himself. Mm, can’t get too attached; what if I fall in love,” Nikolai joked.
“Hey,” Collie snapped. The guys paid attention. “That’s my best friend you’re talking about. You’re right; he’s still a virgin, and that beats sleeping with creeps like you.” He could tell they didn’t give a shit what some random kid had to say about their potential hookup, and Collie didn’t have to say it. Gary wasn’t a virgin, but he hated hearing them talk about him like a piece of meat.
“Hey,” Gary ran up with a set of shots. He looked at them and groaned. “Tower two isn’t full enough.”
“Hey, those guys are bad news. They were talking about you being a virgin.”
“Ew, I'm not a virgin in any hole,” he grinned. “So he does want me-“
“Whatever.”
The mic onstage screeched and everyone looked. “Hey everybody, we’re Low Shoulder. It’s great to be here in Devil Falls-“
“Devil’s Kettle,” Collie yelled.
“Fucking A-right it is,” the music started to play. “This one is for Blondie.”
All alone in an empty room
Nothing left but the memory of when
I had my best friend
Collie looked over at Gary as he grinned at the stage. Their fingers laced together, purely because Gary was excited. Gary was touchy, which proved difficult when he wanted to touch him so badly.
Through the Trees I will find you
I will heal the ruins left inside you
Cuz I’m still here breathing now
I’m still here breathing now
I’m still here breathing now
Until I’m set free we’ll go quiet through the trees
Collie’s eyes were locked on Gary; on the stupid silly look on his face. Right now, he looked like he was glowing; the shot Collie took must have been strong as hell. Collie felt himself getting hot under the collar; why did this boy affect him so?
Wait, Barky wasn’t glowing; the bar was on fucking fire. A curtain by the stage was engulfed in flames. It broke off and fell to the floor, spreading the flames. People started screaming around them. Gary was still locked on the music.
“B-Barky come on-“
“God, what the fuck is your problem-“
Collie grabbed his arm, “The bar is on fire, we have to go!” Gary suddenly looked startled, taking in their surroundings. Collie felt Gary grip his arm when he noticed how much danger they were in. One of the boards fell from the ceiling in front of the exit, but Gary thought fast.
“Bathroom,” he choked out. “There’s a window.” They bolted into the bathroom. Collie refused to let Gary go until he was helping to push him through the small window over the sink. Collie barely made it, but once he hit the ground, they were running again.
“Hey there,” and there was the band, casually packing their instruments into a van. “That was crazy, huh?”
“What the fuck,” Collie couldn’t figure how there wasn’t a drop of sweat on any of them.
“You leaving already, Britney Spears,” that infuriating wink. “I figured you’d want to see my big tour van.”
To Collie’s dismay, Gary broke away from the grip Collie had on him. “Fuck yeah, I wanna see your really cool van.”
“Gary.”
“What!? If you hate hanging out with me so much, why the fuck are you still here?”
“I don’t..Gary, please don’t do this. You’re in shock,” Collie watched Gary wave him off in dismay. “If you get in that van, I…” It was a losing game. Gary looked dazed as the band helped him up into the vehicle. The singer turned to Collie and shrugged with a grin. “Sorry, man. Better luck next time.”
Gary weakly put a hand up to wave and the van door slammed shut. His face looked vacant.
Collie awoke to a loud clatter coming from the kitchen. “Mom,” he thought immediately and jumped up to make sure everything was okay. He’d told her that they’d decided against the sleepover and that the movie had been fine blah blah blah. After he grazed his foot on the corner of the best and cursed himself, he hobbled the rest of the way. The refrigerator shed light onto the hard linoleum. It also shed light on a very frantic, very blood-soaked Gary Barkovitch. He was on his hands and knees like an animal, shoving leftover meat into his face. His breathing was heavy and when he looked up at Collie, his eyes were wide.
“B-Barky?” Gary looked like he’d been crying. It was hard for Collie not to get down there and hug him. He was also..scared of Gary in this particular moment. “A-Are you hurt? Did those fuckers fucking hurt you? Talk to me-”
Gary opened his mouth slowly, as if he were going to respond. He looked like a broken doll, his movement shaky and stilted. Instead, he fell forward and threw up a puddle of red. Then he let out what Collie could only describe as a horrific shrieking noise. A thud sounded from Collie’s mother’s room, but she didn’t get up. Gary was up and shoving passed Collie before he could get another word out.
Gary Barkovitch was gone.