Chapter Text
II: Ten million three hundred and twelve thousand and twelve!
When someone banishes someone else from the City and wishes she would never meet her again, usually she also deletes her number.
But not Blair, she’s always been a fervid student of this school of thought: keep your friends close and your enemies even closer.
That’s why she still has her contact in her phonebook; she just has to hope that she would still be reachable at that number.
Not that it’s going to be a pleasant call; it’s more like opening Pandora’s box.
A reason why Blair waited until she got home, away from prying ears, before doing that.
Blair dials it and finds out it’s ringing.
It’s a good sign.
Even more when her goal picks up the phone at the fourth ring.
“Blair, to what do I owe the honor of receiving a call from you?” Jenny starts, with the most apathetic tone ever.
“Please, Little J, don’t make it harder than it already is.” Blair rolls her eyes, already repenting for her impulsive decision.
“Did my brother finally come back to his senses and dump you?” Jenny goes on, as she’s skimming through the pages of a fashion magazine.
“Ah-ah, very funny.”
Blair is one second close to ending the conversation and finding another way to fix her problem, but then Jenny speaks again.
“I should have known better from your matching Cabbage Patches that you and Dan would end up together!”
Blair frowns.
“Am I wrong or did you just say something nice about Dan and me?”
“Maybe, but don’t get accustomed to that!” Jenny scoffs.
“Well, I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that actually our matching Cabbage Patch are sitting together on the same shelf in Dan’s bedroom, close to each other, never parting; a mirror of how your brother and I feel.”
“Oh my god, I think I’m gonna puke!” Jenny groans from the other side.
Blair chuckles, as she caresses the red man bun of her girl Cabbage Patch.
“Just kidding… about the dolls, I mean, not about Dan and I who never want to part.”
“Did you really just call me after all this time to torture me this way?”
“Actually, Little J, the main purpose of my call is about doing something to make your brother love me even more.” Blair spills the beans.
“Eew, why should I ever help you with that?” The younger girl grimaces.
“Because you have something to earn.” The elder girl throws her bait.
“And what would it be?” Jenny grows curious and suspicious at the same time.
“Let’s say I might temporarily revoke your banishment from Manhattan.” The other makes her offer.
“How temporary?”
“A week.”
“Let’s make a month or this doesn't happen.” Jenny strikes back.
“You don’t even know what ‘this’ is yet!” Blair makes her notice.
“All I need to know is that you need my help for whatever and this gives me power.” Jenny sneers.
- Geez, Little J, you never learn your lessons! *I* have got power, always, in every kind of situation. - Blair ponders, determined.
‘Two weeks and half? Last offer.Take it or leave it.”
“Deal.” Jenny gives in.
“And absolutely not even remotely getting close to Constance’s glamorous life.” Blair takes her precautions.
“Screw Constance! But I want access to at least two College parties.” Jenny retorts.
“Oh, looks like Little J has really grown up.” Blair states, as she assesses her request. “As long as you're not aiming for Yale, they clipped my wings… What about NYU and Colombia?”
“Sounds great. “
“I had sort of forgotten how damn good you Humphreys are at bargaining.” Blair grumbles.
“So, now that we have a deal and a temporary truce, what do you want me to do?” Jenny finally asks her.
“Let’s just say I need you to give me that ‘Queen of the Damned’ look you used to have…” Blair chews on her lower lip.
She hates being the one who needs something.
Jenny chuckles.
“Oh. This is gonna be so much fun!”
“I’m afraid so.” Blair snorts. “About you, I’ll handle everything for you to reach me tomorrow morning. Once you get to the station, a driver will pick you up and lead you to me in absolute secrecy. We have less than two days to get the job done.”
“I would have no trouble even with half of the time at my disposal.” Jenny counters, maybe overconfident. “What did you mean before, about us Humphreys being good at bargaining?”
“Dan challenged me on how many orgasms he had to give me before I openly told him that I love him.”
“WHAT?!”
“He had stated he could win with twenty ones, I had countered that after at least fifty orgasms nothing would happen… but truth is that I was already utterly his at the thirtieth one… within just two nights!” Blair recalls, amused and even a little aroused at the memory.
The poor not-so-innocent-anymore Jenny is so shocked she doesn’t even utter a word.
“Oops, sorry, way too many sexy details?” Blair pretends to apologise.
“Now I really have to puke!” The younger girl hangs up.
------------------------------------
“Wait, is that black lipstick?” Blair wonders, alarmed, as Jenny displays all the stuff she brought with her.
“Sure, you’re aiming to impress Dan, aren’t you?” The stylist shrugs, as she keeps drawing things from her trolley.
“Are there… skulls as patterns?” Blair asks, horrified, as she examines the short black and white dress with generous neckline and thin straps.
“Yeah, and before you ask me, nope, it’s not one of my creations; not because I wouldn’t be able to create one for you in such a short time, of course I would; but because my Fashion is not for someone who would want to rip it to shreds the minute after using that!” She reads Blair like an open book.
“Along with those combat boots; is it really necessary?” Blair gulps down.
“There’s nothing punker than combat boots, so shut up!” Jenny retorts, starting to lose her already short patience.
“These can’t really be stockings, right?” Blair ventures, lifting up a pair of large fishnet stockings with holes.
“Of course they are and you’re gonna wear them!”
“Just how? They already seem broken!” The elder girl whines.
“That’s kind of the whole point!” Jenny scoffs.
“More like w-hole point!” Blair strikes back.
“Geez, you’re really spending way too much time with my brother if you have reached his same level of humor!” The blond rolls her eyes.
“Oh my god! It’s not a wig, that thing I see on the bed… is it?” Blair grimaces.
“Okay, enough with the accessories for now, let’s think about the make up.” She decides, taking the eye liner applicator.
Blair instantly backs off.
“Careful with that thing…”
“Shut up and trust me!” Jenny holds her still, in order to start.
When she’s done, Blair has some difficulty recognizing herself in the mirror with the thick black winged eyeliner above and below her eyes.
“I don’t have two eyes anymore… I have two blackholes!”
“Which means that I’ve done my job well. Okay, this was a test, you can remove it, I’ll apply it to you again tomorrow, so you’ll be ready for the night.” Jenny explains.
“Well… thank you, I didn’ t expect such a kind collaboration.” Blair mumbles, stunned, as she pours the micellar water on her cotton pad as it was the most precious thing in the world.
“Oh c’mon, I’m not the monster you keep thinking I am… Well, not anymore!” Jenny shrugs. “Well, since I doubt you’ll let me go shopping around the Upper East Side undisturbed, although right now Gossip Girl is on stand-by, not exactly for her own choice. At least you could be so generous to let me borrow something from your wardrobe for my two parties.” She sneers.
“I guess it sounds fair.” Blair agrees, leading her to her wardrobe.
“So, you have heard about that Gossip Girl issue…”
“Of course I have; Dan told me. I still can’t believe that you know!” She snaps, as she’s already inspecting Blair’s outfits, all the black ones, for the record.
“Of course I do, in a healthy relationship there’s no room for secrets.” Blair counters.
But Jenny is ready with her snide retort.
“Well, it doesn’t look so healthy to me, since you deprived your boyfriend from his main activity!”
Of course, Blair won’t let Jenny win that battle.
“Dan is mainly a writer, so he should create less blasts and more chapters.”
“You have some points,” Jenny acknowledges. “Guess what? Some of the blasts are mine… looks like I’m not so bad at that job, either.”
“Oh. So do you think he will allow me to post some blasts as well?”
“No way! Gossip Girl is just among family. DNA family, I mean. In a certain way, since she shares a brother with us, Serena is closest to be the next Gossip Girl than you’ll ever be.”
“Oh god, no. I guess everything is safer in Dan’s hands.” Blair admits.
“Oh, Blair?” Jenny calls her.
“Yeah?”
“Could you please avoid giving me something you wore when you had sex with my brother?”
---------------------------------------------
At the Someday Bar, everything is ready for the Halloween Party.
There are horrible - in the good Halloween sense - carved pumpkins, piled to each other in a corner, from the biggest to the smallest one.
In the middle there is a huge spider web with purple shadows, with giant black spiders all over it.
A creepy green light surrounds everything.
On the wall there is every sort of monster's head.
Spooky statues and skeletons scattered everywhere complete the work.
The only background music before the concert begins is from the most popular horror films’ OST.
Right now there's the main soundtrack of Deep Red.
The party starts at 10:00 p.m. and the concert more or less an hour later, but Dan is already there at 9:30 p.m. because he actually knows the band he talked to Blair about.
At least half of the band, since they used to be his childhood friends.
And in Brooklyn it is much easier to keep in touch, rather than in the City.
Talking about the past shared memories and the most recent news is making time pass very fast.
Meantime, on a cab to her destination, Blair can’t resist the urge to make a phone call.
Serena picks the call at the third ring.
“Hey, Blair!” She cheers, quite hyper.
Probably she already had a drink or two. Or three.
“Hey, Serena, how are you? It’s been a while since I heard from you.”
“Everything is more than fine here in L.A., thanks.”
“L.A.? So aren’t you in the City?”
“Nope.” Serena giggles.
Blair takes a mental sigh of relief.
“So, it’s not like Dan talked to you about a cool party in Brooklyn, tonight?”
Serena scoffs, but in an amused way.
“Blair, Blair… When are you going to finally figure out that between Dan and me it’s over, our ship has sailed, a long time ago? I’ve seen the way he looks at you and I had my answers. And I’m fine with that. Really.” Serena confesses.
“Also because she’s in my arms right now and I assure you she doesn’t want to go anywhere else!” Carter talks into her speaker as Serena giggles, all happy.
“Yeah. Gotta go now, Carter and I are heading to a themed Gangster Party. I’ll tell you everything when I’m back. Have a cool Halloween!" She hangs up.
Blair smiles.
She still can’t believe how things ended well with the people she feared would have reacted in the worst way possible at the news that Dan and her were in love.
Just like Chuck, who has surprised her, flying to Chicago and making things with Raina work for real, this time.
Raina is practically Chuck Bass’s female version, she’s perfect for him and she was glad that the former love of her life found another kind of happiness.
All that really is getting in the proper mood to start the party.
“Please, driver, can’t you go a little faster?”
At the Someday Bar, Dan is still busy chatting.
“Can’t wait to meet your UpTown girl, tonight!” The bassist cheers.
“If she’s coming…” Dan grumbles.
“Why? Did you two have a fight?” The drummer asks, worried.
Dan just laughs.
“If anything, having fights is what brought us together, in the first place. It’s just that this time I know I asked her a lot, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she felt too much pressure.” He explains. “But even if she should come, please, don’t expect much from her, probably the most transgressive thing she could do is wear a shirt with a ripped out button or something like that!”
He’s about to chuckle, but he’s too enraptured - just like everyone else in the bar - by the girl who just entered.
She is walking fiercely with her combat boots, her large fishnet stockings with holes that her short black dress with white skulls barely covers.
She has very dark make up and long green acid, wavy hair.
She’s simply beautiful.
Dan is astonished when he sees her walking directly to him and throwing herself in his arms.
He gently pushes her away.
“I’m flattered, really, but I already got a girlfriend I’m very in love with.”
The girl just chuckles.
“Oh c’mon, Humphrey, it’s me!”
If this was a cartoon, Dan’s jaw would reach the floor.
“Blair?! Is it really you under all that make-up?”
Her black lips curve into a satisfied smirk.
“I’ve told you I would astonish you!”
“So, is she your girlfriend?” The bassist wonders.
“It looks to me like she tried a bit harder than a ripped out button!” The drummer chuckles.
“Blair, these are my friends, Will and Jonathan, who are also part of the band we’ll see tonight. There must be somewhere around here also Joe, the singer and guitarist, his fiancè, Louise, who’s the keyboardist and backing vocals, and Maddie, the violinist; but these two are my closest friends.” Dan introduces them and she shakes their hands.
“Nice to meet you. So, Humphrey, is this the way you talk about me with your friends? But mostly, since when do you have friends?” Blair wonders, rather puzzled.
“Are you always so sharp with him?” Jonathan asks her.
“Trust me, it’s part of her charm.” Dan chuckles, hugging her from behind.
“Does she always call you ‘Humphrey’?” Will asks Dan.
“Trust me, it’s a sort of pet name!” Blair explains, giving Dan a quick peck.
“Cool costumes, anyway!” Blair comments, appreciating their wizard tunic, capes and hats, full of details.
“Words coming from the two punkest couple ever!” Will congratulates them.
Dan wears the very same sexy outfit Blair saw at the rehearsal, but now he combed his hair in a way that makes him look four inches taller, not to mention the perfectly applied bottom thick black eyeliner that brings out his big, dark eyes even more.
And his now six days of unkempt beard makes him even more grunge.
He couldn’t be sexier.
Dan parts from his friends and isolates in a corner with Blair, as she stares at the whole bar.
“Well, well, looks like even Brooklyn knows how to party.” She recognizes it.
“I’ve told you that you should learn to love my town a bit more.” He murmurs, kissing the corner of her lips.
“You’re making the task a lot easier.” She smiles, pulling him closer.
“Wait, are these coffins?” He chuckles, toying with her pendant earrings.
Blair giggles.
“So, did you notice that and not the very showy black studded collar choker?”
“I noticed every single thing and you’re making my blood boil” He whispers in her ear, his voice hoarse and lustful.
“I can’t deny you’re having a certain effect over me, too…” She tries her best to keep cool, as she caresses his high tuft. “Humphrey… this hair is illegal and … is that gloss on your lips?”
Now she’s the one with a lustful voice.
“It could be.” Dan sneers, before kissing her.
“How about we skip the party and have our own in my bedroom?” Blair suggests in his ear, clinging to him.
Dan parts from her.
“Huh, Blair, as tempting as it is, can’t we just stay here until the concert ends? I promised it to my friends; plus, after all the efforts we put in our costumes, we should let the people see them, shouldn’t we?”
“Well, I guess you’re right.” She tries her best not to pout.
“We can have our fun later, the night is still so young.” He winks at her, caressing her face.
“Okay, Dan, we can stay, but not if you don’t follow me in the bathroom, let’s say… now.”
Dan grins.
“This sounds like the hottest compromise ever!” He grabs her hand and disappears with her for a convenient while.
Whoever goes to the toilet might hear the classic noises of a couple venting their most animal-like impulses.
After said convenient while, Dan and Blair get out of the bathroom visibly content, checking themself at the mirror to see if they have to fix something on their faces, but luckily there’s no need.
However, Blair is glad to know that, in any case, she can rely on a make-up artist almost as good as his little sister.
------------------------------------
“Thanks for convincing me to stay, the band was worth it.” Blair says as they’re already in the cab.
“Glad you liked the concert and the party; although I would lie if I didn’t say I’m happy it’s over.” He grins, holding her hand.
“Did I say that I gave Dorota a free day and that my mother and Cyrus are in Frankfurt? No one is going to disturb us.” She winks at him.
Once they get off the taxi they rush towards Blair’s bedroom.
“Just let me take off these awful things, they’re killing me!” Blair snorts, throwing the combat boots on the corridor.
Right before Dan grabs her by her hips and throws her on the bed, reaching her.
“Don’t think I didn’t figure out who helped with your transformation…” He grumbles as he kisses her from above. “What did you promise her in return?”
Blair knows that Dan is too smart not to tell him nothing but the truth.
“Let’s just say I allowed her some freedom around the Upper East Side.”
Dan blames her with his look.
“But she assured me, she shouldn’t wreak havoc… Well, not much!” She makes him smile.
“However, Humphrey, instead of asking about your little sister, you should focus on the main issue…”
“Such as? Kissing you? I’m already doing it.” He answers, kissing her again.
“Mm, nice, but it’s not what I meant.” She pushes him back. “I hate this dress. So, unlike it never happened before with all my haute couture clothes, you can rip it to pieces. I know it’s your long-time dream.”
No sooner said than done.
Dan grabs the dress at each side and tears it out, ripping it right in the middle, as Blair yelps with excitement.
He proceeds to rip even the two halves he got in smaller pieces.
He gathers them all and throws them up, as if they were a sort of big confetti.
“It’s even funnier than I thought.” Dan grins as he cups Blair’s breasts, still trapped in her black bra.
Blair sinks both her hands in his hair, as he stares at him, deep into his eyes.
“Humphrey. You should wear eyeliner more often.” She states.
“It will be done.” He nods.
“But not in public, Never. Only in the bedroom. From now on this must be a vision only I can enjoy.”
Dan smirks, flattered by her jealousy, as she rubs her face against his stubbly face.
“Maybe we should add even some black polish on your nails, shouldn’t we?”
Dan looks at her in disbelief.
“Isn’t it too much, love?”
Blair pushes him away in order to get off her bed and reach her drawer, when she takes something.
“I decide what it’s too much, my love.” She sneers, as she walks towards him, her hand shaking the little bottle of black polish.
She straddles him.
“C’mon, give me your hands.” She urges him, opening the bottle.
“Well, at least this way you make it sexier.” He gives in.
“Speaking of sexy, I’m half naked, while the only thing you took off is the leather jacket… but we’ll fix this problem later.” She says, as she paints the nails of his left hand, before proceeding with the right one.
“I feel weird, even for a Halloween night!” Dan grumbles.
“Weird or not, I can’t wait to have those black polished hands all over my body…” She bends on him for a passionate kiss, turning him on even more. “So as you stand still and let the polish dry… I can deal with your jeans!”
Dan loves it when Blair undresses him.
Once she got rid of his jeans, she plays with the T-shirt, caressing his chest through the gashes.
“It’s fun. You can keep it on.” She decides.
“As long as you keep your wig on.”
Blair brings a hand to her head.
“Geez, I didn’t even remember I was still wearing this thing!”
“That’s better!” He grins. “So, do you think the polish dried?”
“Sure, it’s a quick dry polish, only a minute and we’re beyond it.”
“Good,” he sneers, right before flipping their roles.
He starts caressing her face, traces the studs of the collar choker she’s still wearing, crosses her bra, caresses her stomach, toys with her belly a little bit.
And Blair stares at those black nails, almost hypnotized.
“Am I wrong or you’re not wearing your beloved La Perla lingerie?”
“No way! This time my underwear had to match the mediocrity of the dress.” She explains.
Right before hearing a clear ripping sound and finding herself much more naked.
“Humphrey!” She startles, appreciating the initiative, even more when he parts her legs.
“The polish might be dry but it’s going to get really wet.”
Saying that, Dan inserts the first finger inside Blair, quickly followed by a second one and moving them just like he learnt how she likes.
“Oh, Dan!” She enjoys the first orgasm of the night.
Dan enjoys the sight of her, slave of pleasure, as he tastes her, slowly sucking his fingers, his eyes never leaving hers.
So impossibly hot.
So much that it brings Blair to a second orgasm
“I want you, Dan, I need you… now!”
She lowers his boxers, then she grabs him by the Tshirt so violently she creates a new gash, but he doesn't seem to mind at all.
Dan crawls onto her, caressing her fake green hair, and he kisses her deeply, as he pushes inside her, inch after inch.
Blair easily adjusts to his rhythm, as the room fills with their pants and moans.
Only when Dan is fully inside her, he brings his glossy lips to her ear.
“You know I always keep a backdoor to the site, right?” He informs her, making her startle and not just for the heat of the moment. “We know I could have still spied on the mails people sent to me and yet I didn’t.”
“And I… uh, I guess I should appreciate your effort.” She mumbles as he parts from her, rolling on the other side of the mattress.
“Yeah, you should.” He remarks, as he recovers a little bit.
Not if Blair is determined to not let him recover at all.
She rolls on top of him, straddling him.
“And I guess I should reward you properly.” She smirks, as her hand is already caressing his cock, awakening it.
And when she places her black lips on its tip, it has a very impactful effect on Dan.
It’s something so unusual to see her like this.
Just like her oh so black shadowed eyes that stare at him as she goes up and down, up and down, with increasing rhythm.
Her hand gently squeezing his balls is the last thing Dan needs before reaching the climax.
And Blair makes sure not even a single drop gets wasted.
“Blair… love… that was… oh, God!” Dan rests for a while, before reaching her for a kiss that makes him taste himself.
“As amazing as it was, it’s not the only reward I have for you.” Blair informs him, as she searches for a permanent marker.
“Huh?” Dan stares at her, puzzled.
“I guess it’s time to give you your portal back, without the backdoor.”
Saying that, she grabs a shred of her former dress and writes the password on a skull, giving it to Dan.
He gets up, in order to take his laptop and comes back, sitting on the bed and opening it.
He accesses his portal and inserts the new password he reads on the shred: 10312011.
And it works.
“Thank you, love.” He gives her a peck on her lips. “And I guess I’ll treasure this as one of my hottest souvenirs.”
“You know what? The ripping dress part was very exciting … and now I’m glad I didn’t get rid of the white dress yet. So, we could use that next time, at least once more.” She suggests.
“Or I could buy some ugly sex clothes at the Flea DUMBO for you. For many more times.” He suggests.
“Daniel Randolph Humphrey, this is disgusting and thrilling at the very same time!” She laughs, kissing him.
Dan studies better the password.
“1-0-3-1-2-0-1-1. I wonder if there’s an explanation behind it. Maybe just like the ten million three hundred and twelve thousand and eleven orgasms I gave you so far?” He smugly ventures to ask.
Blair just scoffs.
“Nooo, you, pervert pig!” She shoves her elbow in his stomach.
“Ouch!” He complains.
“Just like Oct 31th 2011, Halloween this year.” She clarifies.
Dan doesn’t say anything, he just confines himself to dive his head between her still very naked legs and his tongue does exactly know what to do.
“Ten million three hundred and twelve thousand and twelve!” Blair yells, very pleased.
Once they get dressed again, Blair finally wearing one of her beloved luxury babydolls, Dan celebrates Gossip Girl’s return, as Blair brushes her real hair.
Pretending nonchalance, she leans closer to his shoulder to have a glimpse of what he's typing, but he’s way too smart for that.
“Ha-Ha, Blair. It’s not nice to peek. You’ll get to see it once it’s on line, just like everyone else.” He turns the laptop from her sight.
“But I’m not everyone else!” She protests, ready to throw the hairbrush at him, but he blocks her wrists in her hand.
“I know, my love, but when I’m Gossip Girl you are!”
“I hate you!” She snaps.
“Naaah, you love me way too much to hate me!” He makes her laugh as he kisses her.
Good evening, or rather good late night … or rather good-almost-dawn, Upper East Siders!
I know, I’ve been off for a while, hope you missed me.
C’mon, I know you did.
What can I say?
I’ve tried to get out of my comfort zone, not keeping my eyes on you all around.
Have you ever tried to get out of your comfort zone?
I think you should.
It can make you take some risks, relying on an old sworn enemy… and maybe realise they’re not so awful anymore.
It can give you a chance to be in places you had never been to and maybe you liked them, much more than you want to admit.
It can make you discover and make discover a new side of or to your partner that they ignored and give them one more reason to love them.
Whether you decide to follow my advices or not; it’s also good to go back to the good, old same habits.
So, brace up, because by Thanks Giving Day I’ll be filling my own special turkey with the most juicy news and scandals.
You know you love me.
XOXO
Gossip Girl
--
THE END