Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I just can't. 

A phrase eddie had said countless times in his life believe it or not, a Diaz man, uncapable. He was a disgrace. He saw it on his parents faces everytime it was the day shannon died because he failed to keep her happy, everytime it was time for him and chris to go to el paso for christmas because chris deserved to be around a functioning family, everytime he was required to listen without questioning and agree blindly regardless. But actually seeing the Helena and Ramon Diaz on his doorstep to take Christopher from him made eddie want to commit murder. Not actually, but close enough. Sure, hed screwed up. He'd invited her into his house and scarred Christopher for life. But he was not a bad father, he was a trying one and that was better than one who didnt care at all. Buck was reminding him of that when he'd came over earlier and ended up staying longer than anticipated.

"No. No, you aren't taking him," Eddie stood infront of the door and blocked them from coming inside.

"Edmundo-"

"Dont dad, just dont. Go home, get a hotel, I dont care you're not coming inside."

"Eddie, Christopher called up to come and get him, you wouldnt really deprive a boy of his family, of his abuelos would you?" Then she did that stupid voice, the guilt tripping annoying voice, the one that had made eddie a sucker for years.

"Oh but I am. Go away dont come back," he was trying hard not to cry. How dare they try to take chris from him. They thought he was a bad father, they thought he was horrible. He did too, but how dare they‽ This was outrageous and was getting in his nerves, so he slammed the door then turned around to see bucks eyes go wide and a scream from outside. "What? We both know they were overstepping?"

"Eddie was that...on purpose?"

"Was what?"

"You just- you slammed the door on her hand."

"Her hand? No, her hand wasn't there."

"It... it was Eddie, she screamed. Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, just peachy. So look, are you going to speak to Chris or what?"

"Eddie i already tried that- seriously man are you okay?"

"Im good. Look, we can try speaking to chris again after I wash up those plates, its really annoying me how long they've sat there for."

"Eddie, stop! You're clearly not okay, youre crying!"

He moved a hand up to his eyes and truth be told he was crying, oh. That was- wow. He couldnt really remmeber the last time he cried, but he does know that the last time he did, he bases it off of his panic attacks, the most recent one was about a month or so ago. A record.

"Oh."

"Oh? Eddie, you're kind of scaring me,  can we go sit down?"

"No we cant! The dishes!"

"The dishes can wait!"

"They cant- they- if we waited they'll sit there and it wont be right it has to be right!"

"Eddie, breathe. Cmon, couch."

"Stop telling me what to do!"

"I-"

"You think im incapable dont you! That i cant take care of chris!"

"Eddie i- what?"

"Im not stupid okay? I see the way you look at him. You cant have him hes mine!"

"Eddie i would never-"

"Get out!"

"No. Look ill stay out your way, but on your couch. I dont really trust you right now."

"Do what you want buck. Leave me out of it!"

Eddie stormed to the kitchen. suprised he had even said any of that. What was wrong with him. Why is he so stressed about stupid dishes and why was he being such a jerk to everyone around him. It was pretty crazy to be honest, the fact that buck wanted him safe over everything that even after all that he still offered to stay. Eddie washed the last plate then walked over to the couch where buck was situated. Avoiding eye contact. "Im sorry, come to bed?" "Im fine here eddie" "please?" "Fine." Eddie didnt know what was wrong with him, but knew he should get help. But did he really want it?

In the morning he didnt want to get out of bed, he knew he had to realistically. But his mind kept saying that he'd get up in five minutes, just five more. But five came, and went. And so did buck, he kept popping in and out of the room to see if eddie was getting up yet or not. But eddie wanted to just lay in bed aslong as he could, he felt horrible. Chris was still mad at him and it was summer break so it isn't like he had to go wake him up for school. 

"Eddie, cmon you're kinda worrying me. With last night and now this im getting scared" Buck came over and tried to pull the covers off of him, almost a parallel of when he'd taken them off buck after the firetruck. But this time eddie held tight onto the blanket, so buck couldnt pull it off. "Eddie, please?"

Buy the problem was, eddie felt like he couldnt speak, he sat up and wanted to speak but felt stuck. The words were there, but they couldnt find their way out. So eddie just put his head in his hands. It was easier than trying to communicate something he didnt know how to.

"Okay...do you want to go talk to chris?" Eddie didnt respond, "Do you want me to go away?" Eddie didnt respond, "Eddie, give me something! I cant read your mind. What, do you want to write it down?" It was at that eddie looked up, and nodded. Buck was across the room in seconds, grabbing a notepad and pen for eddie to write.

"Im sorry from last night... -oh eddie, its alright. I know you didnt mean it." Buck sat down next to him. "I hope I didnt overstep, but i called pepa to take chris earlier i hope that was okay?" Eddie nodded. It was easy to speak like this, simple. 

"Buck, im sorry"

"Its fine, i know you didnt mean to hurt me or anything"

"But I did though, and I can see that. Im sorry"

"Its fine. Eddie have you ever uhm- have you considered the possibility of you being...?"

"Being what"

"Au-" and it was at that moment eddies phone rang, he held up a finger to silence buck and answered the phone. Buck could only hear the responses from eddies side but it didnt sound good.

"Hola. Sí. No. He what? What hospital? Vale, im coming now mijo its alright."

"What happened?"

"We gotta go, Pepa was with chris and she tripped and fell down the stairs. They're on the way to the hospital now. I uh- where my keys‽"

"Ill drive. Get your shoes." 

"Thanks, what were you going to say earlier?"

"Doesn't matter, right now focus on Pepa."

"I- i just cant. I- what were you going to say?"

"Eddie, focus on pepa."

"But you were going to say something?"

"Something not important. Let's go okay?"

"Okay. Yeah lets go."

Chapter Text

They arrived within minutes, buck asked what room she was in and eddie ran ahead. Chris was there, sitting with Pepa and abuela. Eddie ran forward to hug him and buck lingered near the door before abuela sent him a look, he stepped closer and asked pepa how she was.

"Im fine, all this fuss for nothing," she rested her hand ontop of Bucks and tried to sit up.

"Woah no, you had an accident thats serious"

"An accident that wasnt as bad as it could've been, im not hurt edmundo. I just need to stay here for the night and then ill be gone."

"You can stay with us while you heal-"

"Eddie, im fine. No healing, it was just a coincidence"

With much convincing, eddie agreed to take himself and chris home, well buck drove. But when they pulled up to the house eddie stopped buck from opening his door, he twisted around to look at chris.

"Can we talk?"

"Dad, its fine."

"Its not, listen. Living without your mom has always been hard, and it got harder when I saw her and she looked exactly the same. For a second I thought she was back, that you were still 7 and as curious as ever. But then I realised that wasnt the case, that I was being a horrible person. So I stopped, physically I did. Emotionally, i- I couldnt. She tried to give me some closure when you saw her."

"So your still sad about moms death."

"Yes mijo, everyday"

"Then why do we never put up an ofrenda of her on día de los muertos? Why can I never talk about her with you? Why do you never even acknowledge her. She loved you and you left her."

"Dont say that. I get that your angry but dont say that. You have no idea what I was going through, and thats good. I never wanted you to know because im the parent, but lately I havent been, you need less freedom and im sorry to say it but I need to start taking more control okay? I loved your mom chris and she loved me. We just weren't as inlove as we initially thought."

"She was inlove with you!"

"She wasnt. The day she died, she had asked for a divorce chris. We wanted to have split custody of you."

"That...that isnt true why are you lying?"

"Im not. I wish I was but im not."

"You are."

"Im not. I wouldnt lie to you about this. We can go inside now but I just needed you to know that, okay?"

Chris got out the car and walked up to the house, buck got out to go unlocked the door for him but eddie took a second to himself in the car. He wasnt sure why but he just felt like he needed to move. Alot. Repeatedly. He got out the car but the feeling didnt go away, he wanted to keep pinching himself slightly. But he didnt, that was weird, and buck was watching. Him and buck sat on the couch while chris went to his room buck noticed eddie wasnt sitting still so he grabbed eddies legs and rested them over his lap. It felt...better but not good enough. So eddie turned himself around, put his head in buck's lap and brought bucks hand down to touch his head. The motions of buck brushing through his hair calmed him slightly.

"He didnt seem as angry."

"Yeah. Hey, what were you going to say earlier?"

"Yeah uhm, can I show you something on the tablet?"

"Sure."

"Okay look," it was a site, showing some common signs of autism. "Do any of these look familiar to you?"

He read them out, mentally checking off a couple boxes in his head. Challenges with social communication/interaction check, repetitive behaviors/interests check, manifesting as difficulty with eye contact check, delayed speech, intense routines, sensory sensitivities check, special interests check, and repetitive movements like hand-flapping check. "yeah, I guess so. But that doesnt mean I have-"

"I- i know. But maybe getting it checked out could benefit you?"

"I think ill be fine buck, thanks but no thanks. Im gonna head to bed yeah?"

"Okay, great."

"You coming?"

"Yeah."

They were laying side by side. Eddie was starting to drift when buck spoke up.

"Me and you are good right?"

"Yeah ofcourse. Nothing will change that okay?"

"Yeah, night eds"

"Night buck."

The next few days consisted of eddie calling pepa and constantly trying to help despite her not wanting it. He went over to her house on tuesday and she had had enough.

"You know I love you but im fine edmundo, stop stressing."

"Your dishes arent done."

"Its one cup, its fine."

"Its- yeah no, its fine. Can I ask you something?"

"Will this get you to go?"

"Yes."

"Im listening."

"Do you ever feel like im different, from some others? Like how i obsess over things like dishes or loud noises if I cant control them or-"

"Yes. I think its different, but thats not bad. Youre special, everyone else is boring."

"Everyone else is normal."

"And you think thats good? I remember when you were younger about 6, you couldnt fix your mothers necklace, the clasp was at the front and she wouldnt let you fix it. She fixed it herself but you went on and on about how she still did it wrong. Ramon yelled, you cried, I took you away. Yet you still kept speaking about the necklace, you didnt want me to touch you and you didnt want any help. But you wanted to be left alone, I stepped out of your room and came back in five minutes later and you were calm. You've always been good at that, being alone."

"Yeah, I sort of remember that. Mainly you taking me away, but still. Buck brought it up, said he thinks its autism hes ridiculous-"

"So what if it is?"

"What? Im not-"

"Christopher has CP, you have no problem with that. Why is this any different?"

"Becaus it's me, because I-! I have to go."

"Ill see you later. Just have a think on it okay?"

"O-okay. Bye."

The second he got in the car he just felt wrong, really wrong. His jacket was too tight, his shoes felt to stuffy, everything was wrong. The sun was too bright and the noise of the road was too much. It was just too much. He reclined his chair back and layed down. He tried to focus on breathing, on anything but this. But it was too much.

"Siri, call buck."

Calling buck😊

"Eddie? Im on shift, we just got back from a call?"

"Can you- are you alone?"

"Uh yeah, whats wrong?"

"Can you just speak. I- im outside in the car."

"Uh okay. We had a call where two ladies were stuck in the same hula hoop! It was crazy, they were trying to perform a trick but got stuck. They were twins too!"

He took a couple deep breaths, he always felt better around buck. Buck speaking, singing, just being there. It didnt matter. He loved buck with all his heart, he really did. Within 10 minutes of buck ranting eddie had calmed down and was feeling slightly better.

"When's your shift finish?"

"In about an hour. God, im tired."

"After shift, come to mine?"

"Yeah, ofcourse. I wouldnt rather do anything else."

"Okay, im gonna drive home now."

"Can you tell me what made you so upset in the first place?"

"Its stupid."

"Tell me anyways?"

"Everything was just too much. Ill tell you when you come over okay?"

"Okay, see you."

"See you."

Chapter Text

Buck got there ten minutes late. Ten whole minutes. Buck finished at 8pm, Eddie always gives a twenty minute grace period to wrap up a call they mightve been on. Then another twenty to leave from the firehouse to Eddie's and currently it was 9pm meaning Buck was 10 minutes late. It had eddue slightly anxious. Buck wasnt even answering his phone, it was going straight to voice mail. Whatever, it was fine. Chris had come back from his friends house over an hour ago, and yet this was the first time eddie had seen him re appear from his room.

"Dad, is Buck coming?"

"I dont know. I tried calling him and he wont answer."

"Are you worried?"

"N-" the word was going to leave his mouth "no" but he'd promised. He'd be more truthful. "Yeah, kind of. But he said he is coming. So he is, buck never would break a promise."

"Thats so cringe."

"Thanks bud. Thanks"

"Dad. Do abuelos uhm- do they like you?"

"What- chris theyre my-"

"I know! I know. But like a parent always has to love their child but they dont need to like them and no offense but it doesn't seem like abuelos like you. Sorry..."

"You really need to be taught what a filter is. But, regardless, they do love me and they do like me, they just dont like the way I do things. Like you love and like me but hate the way I cook pasta."

"Its raw, yet overcooked all at once?"

"Yes, thank you. But anyways, what brought this on?"

"I just dont get why they actually came. I mean at the time I wanted them to, but but I thought they'd say no and force us to talk it out."

"But they didnt, because they think im incompetent. Look, whatever your abuelos think doesnt matter, just what you do does."

"Well I dont think your incompetent. I think your amazing."

"Thanks mijo, means alot." Eddie had started to wipe down the counters, when did he start to do that again? Whatever, it was now 20 minutes past bucks get home time so while chris went back to his room, eddie called buck again.

"What's the most dangerous type of uranium cake? Yellow! Leave a message after the beep!"

Voicemail. Again. Eddie felt crazy, he started running his hand through his hair. What could be keeping buck for so long. Eddie felt stressed, and he wanted a hug without the actual human part of it. He wanted the pressure of a hug, yes, thats what he needed. So thats where buck found him another ten minutes later (thirty minutes late), with a blanket and a chair layed on him. 

"Eddie, i-"

"Buck. You are thirty minutes late. What the hell man!"

"Thirty minutes-? You never said a time. Sorry, why are you under a chair?"

"Buck. You are late and I wanted pressure. You are late."

"Eddie, you never said a time. Our call ran late, you know how it is." Buck crossed the room and sat on the kitchen floor, next to eddie, who was still under the chair.

"Buck you were late. You were late and now its just- wrong!"

"Oh my god man, im sorry. Why is this such a big deal‽"

"Because it is!" Eddie shot upright and buck saw he was crying, he tried to come closer but eddie snapped. "Dont come near me!" 

"Okay, i wont. Can you tell me why you're so upset about this in particular?"

"I dont even know."

"Okay, what had you upset earlier?"

"I spoke to Pepa about your suggestion about me being autistic. She said it wasnt crazy, that it would make sense."

"And that...upsetted you?"

"Yes!"

"Eddie. You have a son with CP, a best friend with ADHD and you-"

"You have ADHD?"

"Yes, you didnt know that?"

"Some would say i dont pay attention to the finer details."

"Let's sit down and actually talk about it okay? You can have as many blankets as you want, maybe no chairs?"

So that's how they ended up on the couch, eddie wrapped with three of the heaviest blankets they had, researching about autism. Some of the best people they could reach out to, and more importantly, buck reassured eddie he wasnt different. He was just himself.