Chapter Text
𝘗𝘓𝘈𝘠𝘐𝘕𝘎: [ALLURE] - [BRENT FAIYAZ]
1:35 ──────ㅇ───────── 3:47
↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺
FOR THE NIGHT LONGED FOR ERADICATION
The damsel of the dusk held liquid damnation between her frail fingers, the skin peeling off as she sat by the window ledge, peering at the dormant woman, her chest rippling like an enslaved current as her body twitched at every breath. The damsel almost felt remorseful for pouring the fluid down the woman's parted lips, but remorse for such an act was futile. She had pledged to torment the lone beings, impelling them to succumb to a life of ceaselessness as sovereignty was forbidden to beings like her.
A harsh beep bounced off the walls of the muted bedroom, shattering the already scarce slumber that was vowed to you, a disgruntled groan whispered through your lips, already dreading the havoc that was waiting for you. You let a shallow breath enter your lungs, feeling the ache in your throat that never seemed to leave. You pushed yourself up on your bed, the back of your head dropping against the headboard as you stared at the ceiling above, hoping it would suck you out of the mayhem that sat beneath your skin, crippling away at your muscles and burning through your bones.
You stretched out the worn muscles and sat at the edge of your bed, peering at the window before you, curtains already drawn open, as you were probably bemused the night before. The early morning horizon was always intriguing, the city disunited as some lights behind the curtains were blinding and some ceased. There were no stars gracing the sky, just a mere black sheet held up by whoever was instructed to. You grabbed the edge of the mattress on both sides to try ground yourself. You always gave yourself fifteen minutes before the day started to let yourself just be in the time you had. The imbalance of pre-dawn was somewhat comforting, like it was the only time when disproportion was permitted.
With one last exhale you stood up, attempting to fortify yourself for the day. You walked towards the bathroom, feeling the frosty air nip at your skin. As you stood in front of the sink you couldn't help but observe your reflection, the shadows under your eyes had enhanced, almost concave like. Your eyes were frosted with light crimson across the edges, the vessels clearly done with pursuing you. So you did what you always did, covered the blemishes and prayed they didn't threaten to rise from the surface.
You peeled away the sweat ridden fabric from the night and slipped into your usual oversized hoodie and sweatpants, zipping up a jacket as extra protection from the frosty air. You grabbed your necessities from your dresser, and as you were about to desert the apartment, a faint glint of light took you by surprise. Beside your scattered gold jewellery, a lone silver watch glared at you. You placed it between your fingers, softly brushing your thumb against the steel and in instinct you shoved it in the pockets of your sweats, ready for it to follow you.
Boreas had decided to be benevolent today as the concrete beneath your shoes wasn't icy as you anticipated, however it was replaced with a slight dampness. The oxidised silver clouds above were clearly distraught as you felt droplets of water graze your skin. It started light, just a mere drizzle however halfway through your journey a sudden cascade of rain rushed down, almost like the concrete and the city was absorbing the cathartic wails of Oizys.
Unfortunately it had been the one morning you had not brought an umbrella and you were starting to get washed by the tears. You glanced around the street, most of the stores and cafes asleep however when you slightly squinted a warm yellow light peered through the cluster of bricks.
You stepped into the warm cafe, the golden gleam pooling throughout the space, a fatigued sigh left your lips and a faint aroma of baked pastries and crushed coffee beans graced your senses. You let the room come into focus could see that it was almost barren, just a lone barista scrolling through their phone and only a peak of milky white hair peaking through a booth. The commanding squeaking of your sneakers filled the silence, leading the barista to look up at you, her expression disinterested.
"Hi what can I get you?" The barista mumbled, exhaustion lacing her voice.
"Can I get a caramel latte and a pain au chocolat please." You replied, your answer instant.
As you paid and collected the items, the downpour outside had relaxed and with one last glance you vacated the cafe, the white hair still hidden within the booth.
𝘗𝘓𝘈𝘠𝘐𝘕𝘎: [PARADISE] - [AVENOIR]
1:35 ──────ㅇ───────── 3:47
↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺
The vast hospital stood In front of you, its intangible limbs already grabbing you vigorously as if it was trying to drain your oesophagus of life. The energy never stopped but it always shifted, despite the early rise of the day, people were dotted around the entrance. A man sat perched by the bench near the doors, his back forward as he yelled through the phone. A woman pranced up and down the road, her coffee untouched in her hands. You glanced through while walking towards the staff entrance, scanning your badge as the doors parted with no ceremony.
The changing room always smelt faintly of antiseptic and laundry detergent, almost as if the air itself was trained to purify the transgression on your skin. The room was completely still, the only anomaly being your hushed breaths. You slipped off your damp clothes slowly, and as you were beginning to slip off your sweatpants your nimble fingers reached into one of the pockets and brushed cool metal, you grabbed the watch and held it between your fingers yet again, It strangely felt heavier than before. You looked down at the piece and intently followed the silent movements of the hands of dial, each tick wordless but holding the reminder that time was rushing past without even discussing it.
You swallowed the growing ache in your throat and replaced the damp clothes with scrubs, each movement practiced and almost automatic. You started folding the clothes gently and placed them in the locker, and you conscientiously placed the watch on top of the folded clothes, as though it would bruise if handled roughly.
With one last look you shut the locker door, the click sound rebounding off the walls and you turned away before any thoughts would cultivate in your mind.
The ward was alive, each sound brimmed with energy mixed into one harmony, the monitors beeping, the mixed pace of footsteps and the low voices rumbling throughout, each syllable indistinguishable.
You scanned the area to see a familiar coal haired man. Choso was stood by the nursing station, his shoulder slightly slumped over as he was mid conversation with another nurse. You walked towards him and he seemed to notice your presence as he looked up and caught sight of you, ending his conversation.
You stood in front of him, his figure slightly towering over you as your eyes skimmed his features, dark shadows etched under his eyes, his obsidian locks tied lowly, some frayed wisps flowing. His eyes lidded, exhaustion woven into his gaze but a soft warmness grew within them as a faint lazy smile graced his lips.
"Damn you look like shit." He snorted, looking at your disheveled state, "Did you walk through a car wash?"
You huffed out a faint laugh. "Good morning to you too .."
You held the now cold coffee between your fingers, trying to chug the bitter liquid with efficiency. As you were trying to down the coffee you could hear his faint chuckle as background noise.
"Jeez did you not sleep?" His tone filled with amusement.
You threw the cup away and sighed, "I passed out last night but the neighbours were so loud I was basically awake."
He chuckled again, a little louder this time, "Yeah, you need to do what I did last time." a grin tugged at his lips as he knocked his knuckles lightly against the counter. "Just start banging on the wall, really loud"
You glanced at him, eyebrow quirking, a small smile tugged at your mouth before you could stop it. "I don't know." your voice dry, "I was thinking of just blasting the SpongeBob theme tune...would probably kill the mood."
His lips were still tainted in a soft smile, eyes creasing at the corners. "Yeah Yuji would disapprove, he's still obsessed with that show, even as a college student."
You shook your head as you stepped past him to get towards the computer behind the counter, you leaned on the desk, one palm balanced on the other and one hand on the mouse. "Well." You muttered as you logged in, "Yuji is Yuji." Your focus on the computer.
He stood beside you, his posture relaxed and composed. The screen flickered to life, and the patient list loaded, fifteen names stared back at you. You peered at the screen longer than necessary, your shoulders tensing for a fraction of a second.
"That's rough." Choso noted, "Don't get comfortable..meany Mei is in a mood." he leaned in slightly and whispered, making sure that the information stuck with only the two of you.
You exhaled through your nose. "When is she not in a mood?" you felt your hand cementing itself with the mouse, feeling a dull ache in your ribs.
He hummed in agreement as you stretched out your arms, trying to release the familar exhaustion that had settled into your bones, a tangled exhale left your lungs as you pulled up the first chart.
You strolled through the ward, preparing for your patient rounds and you reached your first patient. She was a woman in her late fifties, hair neatly brushed, a mauve pink cardigan neatly placed on her lap. A gentle smile bloomed on her lips when you entered, the type of smile that reached her eyes, small crinkles growing at the corners.
"Good morning," you said gently. "I'm one of the surgical residents, how are you feeling today?" you smiled, glancing at the woman.
"A little sore," she admitted, "but much better than yesterday." despite the smile dissolving as she spoke, she still radiated a warmness.
You checked her vitals, examined the incision from the day before, asked about pain, nausea, bowel movements, each question and response was almost mechanical however the routine rhythm grounded you.
As you were monitoring her blood pressure, her voice filled the air. "You must be so busy," she said as you finished documenting. "Always running around." she said. You unwrapped the cuff from her arm and a forged smile plastered itself on your lips.
"It can be very busy but It's manageable," you replied. "I enjoy the rotation." you scribbled down her readings.
She hummed in response and nodded approvingly. "You remind me of my daughter, she's a doctor too."
You unconsciously gripped the pen in your hand tighter, your muscles tensed, it felt as though the air filtering through the vents had been confined, your lungs being plundered of their function.
You cleared your throat, feeling the decompression of the air and as you were about to speak the curtain rustled as someone stepped in, a woman dressed in professional attire smiled brightly, the pearls of her teeth glistening. "Hey mom." she gleamed.
She stood beside her mother's bed, stroking the untamed flyaway hairs away and softly placed a kiss on her cheek. "How are you feeling?" she questioned, her voice filled with concern but care.
You felt yourself still, the dull ache in your ribs was blooming into something damaging, almost as though someone had pressed their foot upon the everlasting bruise.
"I'm okay don't worry, this young lady has been looking after me." she nudged her head towards you. Her daughter glanced at you, she was a younger facsimile of her mother, their smiles duplicated on to one another.
"Thank you." She whispered, reaching out to hold one of her mother's ageing hands.
You stood in the space a beat too long, gaze intently observing the mother and daughter. Then you blinked, smoothed out your expression and reentered the room. "Your incision looks good," you said, voice steady. "We'll aim to get you mobilising more today."
"Thank you dear." replied, voice tender.
You nodded and escaped the area, feeling yourself expel a breath that had balled up in the pits of your stomach.
Each patient visit had blurred past, your actions motorised. As you trotted past the nurse station again, you looked up to see sunlit tresses and a tight line expression. You ambled across the station and faced Nanami, who was reviewing charts, he always carried a sombre visage, the lines and edges of his figure always tight. Rectangular clear rimmed glasses perched his nose bridge, his irisis a muted green, never bright, never bold. He lightly raised a brow at the sight of you.
"Have you eaten?" he uttered, voice stoic.
You huffed out a sigh from his words. "Why is this always the first thing you ask me" You crossed your arms, "No hi or hello."
He placed the tablet on the counter, focusing his attention to you. "Okay hi, have you eaten?" he stated, his lips in a straight line.
You rolled your eyes, however the act was filed with a gentle undertone. "Yeah I had a pain au chocolat." you replied.
He lightly shook his head in disappointment. "That's not very nutritious." he commented.
You blinked at him, "But it's yummy." murmering, not enjoying the ongoing interrogation.
He pushed his glasses up with one finger, looking at you with a sort of spent demeanour. "You should know as a doctor that's not as important as health."
You placed a finger on your chin, pondering for a few moments. "I saw you eat a cupcake the other day." you retaliated.
His jaw narrowly twitched in reflex. "That was after my main meal." his voice edging into frustration.
"But you still ate it." you responded, a deadpan expression covering your face. Nanami looked at you for a moment before he closed his eyes and started rubbing his temples with one hand.
"What am I supposed to do with you?" He grumbled. A small smile traced your lips as you looked up at him.
"I'm fine don't worry." You said softly, trying to ease his concern. He hummed and picked up the tablet from the counter.
"Okay fine." He replied, despite the answer being accepting you could hear that he was not convinced, however not pushing.
"How has your day been though?" You asked, moving the conversation.
Nanami lifted his gaze from the tablet in his hands, eyes scanning your face for a moment before he answered. "Busy," he said evenly. "I just finished a hernia repair, straightforward It went well."
You nodded, feeling a dull relief from the word 'well', an acute awareness that nothing below that was acceptable, not a room for anything else.
He adjusted his grip on the tablet. "Dr Mei mentioned you'll be assisting on a laparoscopic cholecystectomy."
You exhaled through your nose, something between a laugh and a sigh. "Assisting is... generous. I've already been warned."
The corner of his mouth twitched, barely a smile. "She's not in the best mood today."
"Is she ever.." You said, feeling an imminent storm stirring.
Nanami hummed, noncommittal, then glanced to the ward behind you for a few moments as if a thought had preserved him. When he looked back at you, his voice carried a minor softness, concealed.
"Even if you don't get to do as much as you'd like," he said, "watch everything, positioning, decision-making, how she handles complications before they happen." he paused for half a second. "There's value in that too."
You nodded again, slower this time. "I know."
"I know you know," he replied. "But residents forget that when they're tired." he looked down at the tablet again.
That earned a faint smile from you, the knowing of shared convention and struggle.
The ubiquitous odor of antiseptic had welcomed you, its scent braiding into each particle of your being, the scent almost comforting, as you stood by the scrub station, the tepid rush of water drowned your hands, using the soap bar to cleanse the contaminants, your skin now purified. You almost wished the solvent would seep into the cracks of your muscles, releasing them from the anguish that held them.
"Don't rush." You heard the voice beside you command, tone assertive, your shoulders tensed in reflex, hands pausing for a moment, you glanced sideways. Mei stood at the adjacent sink, already scrubbed, arms held carefully aloft. Her mouth and nose covered by a mask but her eyes were visible, sharp beneath the fluorescent bulbs, the kind of expression which clutched you in place.
"Yes, Dr Mei," you said, slowing your movements despite the fact that the routine had been instilled in your veins.
She gave a brief, dreary hum, it wasn't approval, she never seemed to bestow that, something only given to the incomparable souls.
The operating theatre held its breath as you stepped inside, your gown and gloves tied with exercised ease. The monitors hummed its tune, instruments laid out with reverent precision, not daring to move as the anaesthetist murmured vitals.
Mei's gaze was focused on the board, "Laparoscopic cholecystectomy," she said, as if she was reminding herself more than you, "Routine I don't want unnecessary delays.". You could not decipher her expression due to the mask however there was a tightness in her body and gaze.
Your nod was immediate. "Understood." she didn't look at you again, as you positioned yourself where indicated, not even first assist, not remotely close, just mere observation, retraction if she felt generous, however the possibility of that was slim, her movements mechanical and the energy that diverged from her skin could burn anyone in reach.
You felt a slight sting but ultimately swallowed it down, you knew which battles were worth the fight.
The surgery hastened past, the minutes passing with sharp light and the even sharper voices, where your hands hovered more than they touched, did they know that your hands had been tainted, that no serum could purge them. You stood at the edge of the sterile field, absorbing instead of acting despite your instincts jumping at you, following the precision unfold without invitation. Mei drove with an unmissable efficiency, her hunger overlooking the space where tutelage could have laid, leaving you to deduce in silence, presently tracing each movement, your mind stitching what your hands were denied. Invisibility didn't constrict you, it fuelled a drive that was blocked. You altered into a quiet witness, your dim, staunch glow pressing into the margins of luminosity, understanding not by being elected but by refusing to disappear.
"Read more on biliary anatomy, you hesitate."
"Yes, Dr Mei."
Her words almost like a trenchant sword, critical despite not given a chance to prove otherwise.
The changing room was empty yet again, quiet in almost a merciful way, as if it had decided to hold you in place. Your marred scrubs replaced with your hoodie and sweatpants, a slight comfort caressing you. You sat for what felt like eons, forearms resting on your knees, breath steadying itself without instruction. The watch placed in your pocket, as if containment was simpler than confrontation.
You finally held your phone between your hands, untouched and derelict, like the world was shut off and the life that lived past the pixelated screen was a mere illusion. You scrolled through the forgotten notifications, emails, useless apps but then stopped at a message, thumb hovering, careful not to open it.
Yuki:
Remember what we talked about.
Cryptic yet it held significance that the naked eye would disregard. You exhaled a crooked breath, body not relieved. You stared at the screen for a few seconds before turning it off, sliding the phone into your pocket without responding.
FOR WHO ARE WE IF WE AREN'T SLAVES TO NESCIENCE