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Lucifer sighs as he sets his “#1 Principle" mug down on one of the small wobbly tables of the teacher’s lounge.
He’s been meaning to get that fixed for a while but he keeps forgetting. He flips through the many pages on the brown clipboard in front of him with furrowed brows and leans his back against the cold concrete wall.
Genuinely how is it possible to have this many complaints from parents, students, and other teachers in the span of 2 months? They just started the school year too. Lucifer swears this job will be the death of him. It’s more of a punishment than an employment at this point.
Technically, that’s exactly what it is. Or what it’s supposed to be.
Dear old dad, the Superintendent, wanted to “teach him a lesson” and stuck him with this nightmare of a public school.
Pride High. A name that makes a lot more sense when you consider the arrogance of the staff. Lucifer included, but at least he’s self aware of that fact.
Lucifer is convinced that these freaks actually think that they can just do whatever the Hell they want with no consequences. Just because the Superintendent said he couldn’t fire some of them doesn’t mean that they can just prance around and not do their damn jobs!
It’s honestly an ironic miracle that any parent purposefully enrolls their child at this school. The education here is nothing short of abysmal. Which he supposes makes him a bit of a bad father. But thanks to his own dad no other school in the district would take his lovely daughter. They were probably worried that Charlie would out smart the stupid preps and damage their fragile egos.
His daughter seems to like it here regardless of the terrible staff though. She even offered a tutoring program to help troubled students get their grades up and get them back on the right track. Lucifer honestly wishes that he shared Charlie’s optimism when it comes to this school but after all the shit he’s dealt with from these people he thinks he’s allowed a little bit of cynicism.
The Principal has enough incident reports and complaints via email and voicemail to fill the first chapter of War and Peace. A book he’s pretty sure his students don’t even know exists. Considering the language arts teacher dedicates more of his time to antagonizing and teasing him than actually teaching his students the material he’s given.
Which has led to now. Lucifer has been the Principal of this shitty excuse of an education center for about a full school year now after first arriving in early November of last year and he finally decided that enough was enough. This morning he called every single troublemaker on his staff, which was most of them, to the teacher’s lounge for a meeting after school.
The Principal glances away from the clipboard in front of him as his nightmare employees slowly start to file in the room. He’s surprised that literally any of them bothered to come on time.
Especially Adam, who comes in headbanging with his headphones blasting some kind of rock song as usual. Lucifer raises his eyebrows in mild shock. The band teacher hardly ever makes it to his own class on time.
When Lute steps in the lounge just behind the man as he silently air guitars, Adam's sudden punctuality starts to make more sense. The PE teacher runs a strict program after all. A bit too strict based on what Lucifer’s heard from students and their parents.
He watches the woman practically stomp towards the brunette and loyally take her place standing at Adam’s side in front of the cupboards while he lounges against the vending machine. Still completely unaware as the drums of whatever song he’s listening to continues to blare in his ears.
Lucifer rolls his eyes at the almost sad display. He’ll truly never understand Lute’s attachment to the man. He’s a piece of shit loser that still has barbecue sauce stains on his shirt from the ribs he brought for lunch 2 days ago. What about that is appealing?
Whatever, he’s not paid to judge his employees shit taste in men. Not that his is much better. Said man would probably kill him if he ever caught wind of the fact that Lucifer put him and Adam on the same level.
Lucifer looks back to his clipboard and smiles to himself, thinking about how he could still mess with him without finding a dose of arsenic in his dinner in the future. As he continues to ponder that, more teachers trickle in until the seats at the small tables in the lounge are nearly completely full.
The Principal lets his staff chatter amongst themselves while he takes another sip of coffee from his least favorite mug.
Least favorite because of who gifted it to him.
A certain shark obsessed asshole who thinks he’s hot shit and wouldn’t notice that “Principal” is spelled wrong on purpose to mock him for his own multiple spelling errors. When you constantly have to type out emails and you’re only running on 3 hours of sleep along with a 5 hour energy you tend to make some mistakes. Sue him, insomnia is a bitch. Besides, that was before he found the right medication thanks to Bel and the right pillow to calm his loud mind at night.
Lucifer is unable to properly stifle his laugh at the thought of how upset the computer science teacher would be if he knew about his special pillow. He spits out a bit of coffee back into his mug and quickly covers up the sudden chuckle with a fake cough. Pretending the hot liquid went down the wrong pipe. Unfortunately a pair of observant eyes sat directly in front of him see the cough for exactly what it is.
“Oh dear. Are you alright, Principal Morningstar?” The dark skinned man across from him asks with a grin and a head tilt that teeters on the edge of condescending. Practically a signature move of his.
Lucifer’s steely blue eyes glare into mirth filled chocolate brown ones from over the rim of his cup. The Principal clears his throat and places the mug back down onto the wobbly table to his left. He slowly brushes off the droplets of coffee that dribbled down his lip before answering. He just manages to prevent the twitch of a small smirk as the teacher’s gaze follows the movement shamelessly.
“I’m fine.” Lucifer assures him with narrowed eyes. “It just went down wrong.”
Alastor gives a noncommittal hum in response, clearly unconvinced as he taps one of his perfectly polished dress shoes against the hard floor of the lounge. One of the things that’s always been so frustrating about the language arts teacher is how he’s always the perfect picture of confidence. Smiling without a care in the world and lounging in his chair, one leg over the other, as he purposely makes Lucifer’s day far more difficult than it has to be.
Today is certainly no exception. Lucifer can’t help but feel a little exposed as Alastor’s sharp eyes watch him and lock onto his own from behind a sleek pair of glasses. He wonders briefly if this is how the teacher’s students feel when they are called on to answer a question Alastor crafted specifically for them to fail. The Principal makes a small mental note to add that to the list of behavioral problems he needs to discuss with the man.
The two’s impromptu staring contest is suddenly cut short by an abrasive laugh from Adam. “Who knew our Principal had troubles swallowing? Right?” He jokes and turns to the PE teacher next to him to hold up his hand for her. “Up top!”
To Lucifer’s dismay, and complete lack of surprise, the woman gives Adam a high five with a small smile. He rolls his eyes not wanting to entertain the man with a response. Alastor unfortunately takes that as an opportunity to respond in his stead and turns his head to face the self proclaimed dickmaster.
“Adam!” The teacher starts cheerfully with a vicious grin that’s almost twisted into a snarl. “How nice of you to take a break from choking on rib bones to join us today! And on time, at that.”
Adam grits his teeth at the man’s remark. “That was one time man! I was just trying to suck the meat off!” He shouts back at him defensively before realizing how that sounds. “Wait- shit I meant- uh-”
Alastor quirks a brow at the wording as the band teacher stutters through his comeback.
Eventually the stuttering ceases and he earns a middle finger from the greasy brunette. “Fuck off, you red obsessed piece of shit!”
“Eloquent, as always.” Alastor smiles, satisfied. “Be grateful that I was not present while you were choking. I would have ensured that you only had the chance to do it once.”
“What did you just say?” Lute asks dangerously, knuckles whitening as she tightly grips the counter top behind her.
“Oh dear, do you need to sit in on one of my classes to understand a simple implication like that Lute?” Alastor asks, always willing to play with fire.
Lute’s glare becomes even fiercer. “Take that back scum. Or you might find yourself without a tongue to make remarks like that anymore…”
Alastor hums as if considering it. “Hmmm, no. I don’t think I will. Just like you can’t take back all the time and energy that you’ve dedicated to a manchild.”
As Lute’s scowl deepens Lucifer recognizes his time to chime in. “Guys, seriously? Death threats, right in front of me?”
Alastor’s attention easily flicks back to the disappointed Principal in front of him as he turns around. “Apologies, dear. We have other business to attend to, correct?”
Lucifer takes the prompt for what it is and stands up, clipboard in hand to address the whole room.
“Alright guys, now that everyone is here we can get started.” The blonde announces, silencing any residual chatter as he flips through the pages to determine their first topic of conversation.
“Uh no the fuck we’re not?” Adam interjects unhelpfully.
Lucifer looks up from his clipboard with an unimpressed look. “Adam, if you have a question you raise your hand. Even your students know that much.” When Adam gives him a pissy look and jerks his hand up in the air, abiding by the request, Lucifer smiles at him snidely. “Yes?”
“Zesty and the Carmel bitch aren’t here yet. Shouldn’t we wait for them?” Adam asks and gestures to two empty seats where the history and math/shop teacher usually reside during lunch.
Lucifer rolls his eyes at the man’s crude nicknames. “Zestial and Carmilla don’t need to be here because they actually do their jobs and don’t have incident reports filed about them every other day. That’s exactly why I’ve called you all here. We need to have a serious discussion about your behavioral and teaching habits.”
“What?” Adam asks, genuinely confused.
“You’re shit at your jobs.” Lucifer deadpans, maybe a bit too harshly. “Most of you. You know who you are.”
Adam is still somehow confused. “Wait- But if we’re here to be put over your knee for a spanking or whatever then what the fuck is Rosie doing here?”
Lucifer glances at the aforementioned art teacher who is sitting elegantly in the chair next to Alastor’s silently sipping some tea. “Rosie is here because she wants to be. Part of her reward for her hard work is watching your asses get chewed out.”
Alastor turns to his friend and gives her a sharp grin. “As delightfully devious, as always.” He says with a small chuckle. Rosie just smiles against the edge of her tea cup in response. “Well, let's not delay Rosie’s gratification any longer, shall we?” The language arts teacher requests with a small clap and places his hands in his lap, looking towards Lucifer with rapt attention.
The Principal sighs knowing that Alastor is also probably going to enjoy this meeting more than he should. “Yeah, let’s get this over with…We’ll be going in alphabetic order.”
“Oh?” Alastor perks up at that.
Lucifer gives him a pointed glare. “Backwards.”
“Oh.” Alastor repeats with much less enthusiasm.
“So, we’ll be starting with Vincent.” Lucifer says and flips to the page containing the computer science teacher’s profile.
“Vox.” The teacher across from Alastor corrects.
Lucifer pauses and looks up from his clipboard with a confused look. “...What?”
“My name.” He clarifies. “It’s Vox.”
Lucifer looks back down at the page in front of him and scans it for any mention of the name “Vox”. Once he’s skimmed the man’s whole profile and confirms that the only name listed is still Vincet Whittman he glances back up at the brunette.
“No, I’m pretty damn sure that your name is Vincent.” Lucifer replies, already losing his patience not even 5 minutes into the official start of the meeting.
“It’s Vox now.” The brunette replies with a shrug. He's either oblivious or uncaring about the Principal’s growing frustrations. Lucifer would bet on the latter.
“Are you serious?” The blonde asks exasperatedly. “I just learned your name and now you’re gonna change it?”
Vox, apparently, gives him an unapologetic grin. “Well that’s what I have my students call me. It sounds more techy, y’know?”
Lucifer raises an unimpressed brow. “Do I look like one of your students?”
“Well, you’re definitely short enough.” The man replies through his chuckle.
A couple of different snickers and laughs resound throughout the room at Vox’s joke, including a particularly loud one from Adam.
“Oh, ha-ha.” Lucifer frowns, unamused. “Real mature guys.” Once the laughter dies down the Principal sighs. “Fine, Vox. I don’t care what you call yourself, just make sure to wear a name tag at least.”
“You got it Lu.” Vox says with a wink and some cheesy finger guns.
“Don’t call me-” Lucifer starts before interrupting himself with a sigh, realizing that trying to stop the man from annoying him is a fruitless endeavour. “Whatever.” He grumbles. “Let’s just get onto the first topic.”
Rosie quietly places her tea cup on its saucer with a small clink and gets up from her seat. Silently, she walks over to pull out one of the drawers below the cupboards. She roots through it for a few moments before taking out a small white sticker and a black sharpie. She strides back over to her seat and sets both items down in front of Vox on the table so he can make a temporary name tag.
“Thank you, Rosie.” Lucifer says to the woman gratefully with a small smile. “You really are the best of us.”
“Oh, you charmer.” She replies, moving her hand as if she’s batting the compliment out of the air and smooths out her skirt as she sits back down. “Keep talkin’ like that and you might make someone jealous.” The teacher says cheekily, always clever enough to tease the Principal and a certain someone but never revealing or calling too much attention to it.
Lucifer just chuckles to himself softly as Alastor’s foot taps on the ground, annoyed. He’s always so transparent when he’s upset.
While he thinks Lucifer is distracted, Vox slips the sharpie he used to create his new makeshift name tag into the pocket of his neatly pressed pants. Lucifer spots the theft but decides to let him get away with it for now.
“You done?” The Principal asks the man who is doing his best to look innocent and failing miserably.
Vox slaps his new name tag on his breast pocket proudly. “Yep.” He grins.
Lucifer raises a brow as he takes in the sight of the name tag. The man’s handwriting is bordering on chicken scratch and he took the time to draw a small doodle of a shark next to the X of his new name.
“Great.” The blonde replies dryly and scans the notes he made on the many incident reports filed about Vox. “So, Vox. You are our computer science teacher here, correct?”
“Well yeah, I didn’t quit.” Vox confirms in the most asshole way possible.
“Right.” Lucifer starts, not paying any mind to the teacher’s smart remark. “So why, then, did you only talk about sharks for your entire class period Monday of last month instead of doing your job?”
“It was shark week.” Vox replies simply, like that explains anything.
Lucifer furrows his brows in response. “Is that supposed to mean something to me?”
“Why doesn’t it?” The brunette asks incredulously, like he’s the one being unreasonable here.
“Shark week isn’t a national holiday, Vox. You can’t just basically take time off work because the Discovery Channel is only airing sharks for a week.” Lucifer scolds him like he would a child. Though not even Charlie at her worst was this immature.
“It's a national holiday to me!” Vox retorts, ignoring Lucifer’s eye roll. “It only happens once a year!”
“It’s still not an excuse to not do your job.” Lucifer reiterates hoping the emphasis will get it through the other man’s thick skull.
No such luck however, as Vox continues to argue. “You’re lucky that it was just one class period. I could’ve taken up the whole week.”
Lucifer narrows his eyes at the man, recognizing a threat when he hears one. He sighs to himself, cursing his father for sticking him with this job for the thousandth time.
“Fine.” The Principal relents. “Every shark week that happens to fall during the school year you can use one class period to talk about it. Just make a slip or something so your students' parents know their kids won’t actually be learning anything useful for that hour.”
Vox mutters something under his breath that Lucifer can’t make out nor does he care enough to try. He can only imagine it’s several complaints about the blonde dissing his precious shark facts.
“Moving on.” Lucifer transitions onto the next topic. “Your boyfriend, Valentino, cannot keep coming to visit you during work hours. I’m not even sure if he’s legally allowed on school grounds.”
“What?” Vox asks with a scoff, having the audacity to look confused. “Val’s harmless.”
“He’s a pimp.” Lucifer deadpans. “I don’t want that around my students.”
“Was a pimp.” The brunette holds a finger up to correct him. “He just directs and produces pornos now.”
“I don’t care. I don’t want him here.” Lucifer immediately counters. “Especially if he’s going to harass the staff. You know he keeps asking me if I want to be your third? It’s weird.”
After a few moments of silence Vox raises his brows expectantly. “And?...”
“No.” The Principal glares at him. “Never in a million years.”
“It was worth a shot…” Vox says, slightly put out by the harsh rejection.
“I’ll shoot you if you don’t shut up.” Lucifer bites back the warning.
“Okay! Jeez…” Vox puts his hands up defensively before looking the blonde up and down with a suggestive smirk. “Feisty…”
“God, I wish I could fire you…” Lucifer groans as he drags his free hand down his face exasperatedly.
“Pretty sure you say that on an almost daily basis.” Vox replies, unbothered by the insult.
“And it always remains true.” Lucifer grumbles. “Maybe that’s an issue that needs some self-reflection, yeah?”
“Nah. Seems like a you problem to me.” Vox grins.
The Principal gives him another glare for good measure before directing his attention back at his clipboard. “Another thing, you’ve got to get your TA Velvette in control. I’ve gotten several complaints from students that she is being, and I quote, ‘A total bitch’ to them. Also, when I sat in on your class to observe last week she did nothing but scroll on her phone the entire time. Fix that.”
“Ha!” Vox lets out a sharp laugh at the command. “No.”
“What do you mean no?” Lucifer asks, annoyed.
“You want me to take away Velvette’s phone?” The teacher asks with incredulity. “Do I look like I have a death wish?”
Lucifer gives him a disbelieving scoff. “Oh come on, it can’t be that big of a deal to her?”
“To a woman in her early 20s with over half a million followers? Uh, yeah, it is that big of a deal.” Vox insists. “She’s practically an influencer! You’re basically asking me to try and take a freshly killed gazelle from a lion. Or some jambalaya from Alastor. Or Adam from Lute. Or-”
“Okay, I get it.” Lucifer interjects with a disgruntled look, not in the mood to hear anymore of Vox’s comparisons. “She can keep the phone. Just make sure she doesn’t talk to any of the students anymore, she literally made one of them cry last week.”
The nod of agreement he gets isn’t much but it’s enough for Lucifer to move onto the next issue. “Alright, moving on. You need to stop stealing shit from the other teachers, small things, big things, I don’t care, stop stealing.”
“Why do you automatically assume I’m the one stealing it? Maybe you’re all just misplacing stuff.” Vox replies and defensively crosses his arms at the accusation.
“First of all, Alastor found the drawer in your desk where you stashed all of it. Second of all, you literally just pocketed the sharpie Rosie gave you like 5 minutes ago.” Lucifer responds with an unimpressed look and points to the small outline of the sharpie in the man’s pocket that he can see from where he’s standing.
Vox tenses and turns to glare at Alastor from across the table. “You went through my desk, you freak?!”
Alastor gives him a shit eating grin and shrugs off his fellow teacher's anger. “Your kleptomania happened to inconvenience me during one of my class periods. I was unable to find my red fountain pen I use for essay corrections and when I had seen it last I was in your vicinity, regrettably. I connected the dots from there.”
Vox continues to seethe in his seat, his hands tightly gripping the sleeves of his suit. “I always lock the door before I leave, how did you even get in my classroom?!”
“I swiped your keys while you were occupied with something or other.” Alastor explains as he pulls the aforementioned keys out of his own pants pocket. He dangles them in front of the man casually with one finger through the loop of the key ring. “You really should pay more attention to your surroundings. You aren’t the only one with sticky fingers, as it were.”
The brunette grits his teeth and snatches the keys back from the language arts teacher. “You don’t get enough action for your fingers to be sticky!”
Alastor grimaces at Vox’s crude remark. “I prefer to be intimate in ways that are meaningful. Not that you and that nympho boyfriend of yours understand anything about that.”
“Yeah, whatever man. Just say you can’t get it up.” Adam interjects smugly from his spot at the vending machines.
Before the interaction can escalate into a full on argument Lucifer quickly interrupts any kind of retort Alastor has cooking up in that devious head of his. “Guys, can we get back on topic? We only have 30 minutes until the lights are cut off for the night and we still have a lot to cover. But if you all want to navigate your way to the parking lot in pitch black darkness be my guest.”
That seems to calm everyone down and incentivise them to pay attention. Vox flips Alastor off for good measure before directing his attention back to the Principal. Alastor rolls his eyes at the immature gesture and follows suit.
“Vox, make sure you return everything you stole to its rightful place by Monday. And for the love of God, stop stealing.” Lucifer commands sternly. “Or else I’m giving everyone else the go ahead to start taking shit from you in retaliation. You got that?”
“Yes, Principal Morningstar…” Vox grumbles out sarcastically in a similar manner to his students.
“Good.” Lucifer says and looks down at the teacher’s profile once more. “That pretty much covers most of the reports and complaints made about you. There’s just one more thing to discuss and then we’ll move onto Stolas. I know that you’re gunning for the position of Principal. It’s definitely not a coincidence that one of the things you stole from me was my goddamn name plate, Vox”
Vox stammers through his laughter at the accusation. “What? No- Me? Principal? Who would ever think of a silly idea like that?”
“Yeah, real convincing.” The blonde says with a raised brow. “Trust me, you really don’t want this job. I would know, I don’t even want it. So if you could stop actively trying to sabotage others that are possibly up for the position that would be great. We’ll never get any work done if you’re all at each other’s throats.” Before Vox can stutter out an excuse Lucifer quickly transitions to the next topic. “Moving on! Stolas, you’re up next.”
The tall gray haired man shifts in his seat nervously as the Principal’s attention is now directed at him. Stolas has always been one of the teachers that actually respects Lucifer’s authority which the man does appreciate. Probably has something to do with the teacher’s father, Paimon, who used to be the astronomy teacher at Pride High before Stolas recently took over.
Stolas is a hard worker and good at his job, one of few at this school. Lucifer just wishes he didn’t make the man so nervous every time he’s in his vicinity. It’s kinda hard to have a pleasant conversation with someone when they’re practically shaking like a leaf.
“So, Stolas.” Lucifer starts out softly as not to spook the man. “What I said for Vox about Valentino also applies to you. Though obviously your circumstances are different seeing as your boyfriend Blitz does actually have a child enrolled here. He can bring you your lunch and he can talk to his daughter but he can’t stay longer than 10 minutes if class is still in session since you tend to get distracted by him. When you’re on break though he can stay for as long as your break is. Just please don’t have sex on school grounds.” Stolas slowly puts a hand up to ask something. “Yes, the parking lot counts as school grounds.”
Stolas slowly puts his hand back down with a small blush and clear of his throat. “O-Of course Sir..”
“Great. Make sure you tell Blitz that next time he visits. Other than that you’re pretty clear across the board, good job.” Lucifer says with a small smile.
Stolas stands up a little straighter at the praise. “Thank you Sir…”
“See how smooth that went?” Lucifer asks the room. “Most of you could learn a thing or two. Anyway, next person alphabetically would be…” Lucifer pauses as he flips to the next page in front of Stolas’ profile. “Satan. Your turn, big guy.” He announces as he glances up at the large form of his Vice Principal. “There’s only two things I want to discuss. First of all, you really got to work on those anger issues man. I can’t keep getting calls from parents telling me that you yelled at their kid just because they asked you what day it was.”
“It was Monday!” Satan shouts making his southern accent come out at full force, his anger reignited just at the thought of the incident. “It was a stupid question and they knew it!”
“They’re highschoolers, Satan. They’re all about dumb questions. You just gotta learn to deal with it, roll with the punches.” Lucifer says calmly as he pulls out a small circular ball from his pocket and tosses it to the man. “Here, anytime you feel like yelling at any of the students just squeeze this until the feeling passes. Also maybe get some therapy.”
Satan examines the ball for a moment before he tightly squeezes it in his large fists. Lucifer winces, feeling sorry for the stress ball as he spots the bulging veins on Satan’s thick forearms. When it doesn’t pop or tear despite the force of the Vice Principal’s tense muscles he nods.
“This is acceptable.” He concedes and tucks the ball in his pocket.
“Good. One last thing, I do really appreciate you trying your best to help lessen my work load and everything but hacking into my email was not the best way to go about that. I had to change like 5 separate passwords because of that.” Lucifer tells him.
“You had the same password for 5 separate accounts?” Vox interjects with a chuckle.
Lucifer turns to glare at the brunette. “Not anymore, so don’t even think about it.”
“What was it? DuckDad#1 or something like that?” Vox continues to prod at the Principal.
Lucifer doesn’t dignify that with a response as he flips to the next page. “Moving on! Pentious, we need to have a serious discussion about you and Baxter ignoring the safety protocols during your experiments. I cannot stress this enough, gloves and goggles are mandatory for both you and your students. We don’t need kids getting 3rd degree burns on our watch. You especially can’t leave them unsupervised in a room full of potentially dangerous chemicals.”
Both science teachers at least have the decency to look guilty. “In our defense…” Baxter starts to explain. “That was just a one time thing. We only left briefly to examine a previous experiment of ours that we had left outside overnight.”
“15 minutes is not briefly.” Lucifer narrows his eyes at the excuse. “That’s a quarter of a class period. What were you two even doing out there for that long?”
“We were mostly debating on the best method of disposing it.” Pentious answers as he nervously plays with a strand of his long black hair. “Unfortunately we determined that we would not be able to seal it in lucite and bury it on such short notice.”
“What kind of experiment- Y’know what? I don’t want to know…” Lucifer sighs. “Just make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
Baxter gives him an affirmative nod while Pentious gives a firm salute. “Of course, sir.”
“While we’re on the topic of the science department. Baxter, you need to stop stealing chemicals from the lab. I’m not sure what exactly you’re doing with them but I don’t care, they are expensive to replace.” Lucifer informs him.
Baxter blushes slightly as he looks down at the ground sheepishly. “I’m sorry sir, I’ve been trying to make the perfect cleaning formula for the janitor. She was complaining about how she couldn’t get rid of certain stains…”
Lucifer looks at the short black haired man with a small smile. Ah, young love. “I mean I’m assuming you know what you’re doing so I’m not going to tell you to stop making the formula but you can’t do it with the school's chemicals. From now on all materials you use for that come out of your own pocket.”
“Understood.” Baxter replies.
Lucifer nods and flips to the next page on his clipboard. “Drama department, Ozzie and Moxxie. You guys are next. Your arguments about creative differences are getting out of control. You need to compromise or the winter musical is going to be the sound of music again, no one wants that.”
“You don’t understand Luci!” The dark skinned man immediately starts to argue. “He wants to cut dead girl walking from Heathers!”
“We shouldn’t have highschoolers doing that on stage in front of their friends and family! It’s not tasteful!” The short man next to him retorts stubbornly.
“It’s Heathers, it’s not supposed to be tasteful!” Asmodeus bites back.
“Hey, guys!” Lucifer interrupts the sudden argument. “This is exactly what I’m talking about, you aren’t going to get anything done if you keep going back and forth like this.” Lucifer sighs. “Moxxie, what about the students doing the scene bothers you the most?”
Moxxie wrings his hands together before he answers hesitantly. “Well…I just don’t want them to feel uncomfortable or exposed…Especially not in front of people they know..”
Asmodeus seems to soften a bit at that as he places a firm hand on the smaller man’s shoulder. “Oh Moxtail, I’m sure if they weren’t fine with it they would’ve told us. They seemed comfortable during Angel’s demonstration and you know our TA doesn’t skimp out on the raunchyness.”
“I guess…” The teacher still seems hesitant. “But it’s different when there’s more than 10 people watching.”
“Maybe you could just silhouette the scene?” Lucifer suggests. “Put them behind some curtains during the actual sex part so they won’t feel too exposed but their silhouettes are still visible so the audience gets the gist about what’s happening.”
“That’s a great idea!” Asmodeus exclaims brightly and turns back to the small man to his right. “How’s that sound Moxxie?”
“As long as the students are comfortable with it, that works.” Moxxie smiles.
“Glad we got that sorted out. Anytime you guys have an argument like this again that you can’t sort out by yourselves, come to me and we’ll think of a good compromise.” Lucifer requests and flips to the next profile of the economics teacher. “Alright, Mammon. We need to talk about what you’re teaching your students. I can’t believe I have to clarify this but you can’t teach them how to tax evade.”
“Why the fuck not?” The Australian immediately questions crudely. “We’re supposed to be preparin’ these little shits for the real world, yeah? We need to make sure they won’t act like bitches when the government comes to collect what ain’t theirs!”
“Yeah that’s the other thing I wanted to discuss…” Lucifer sighs. “You can’t keep swearing like a sailor all the damn time.”
Mammon scoffs at that. “Oh fuck off. Those cunts have heard worse in the songs they listen to on the way to school.”
“Regardless, just…stick to the material you’re given, Mam, please.” Lucifer says as he rubs the bridge of his nose to try to soothe his frustration. “As for the swearing, if you can tone it down for the rest of the semester I’ll get you something as a reward.”
Mammon perks up at that. “A date with Levy?”
Lucifer glances at the stiff swim coach standing at the water cooler. “Probably…not.” He answers honestly.
“Then I’m not interested.” Mammon replies and crosses his arms defiantly.
“I’m right here.” Leviathan interjects, not pleased at being used as a hypothetical bargaining chip.
Lucifer gives her an apologetic look before turning back to the economics teacher. “I’ll buy you lunch for a month.”
“Two months.” Mammon tries to bargain.
“A month and a half.” Lucifer counters.
Mammon is unrelenting however. “Two months.”
“A month and a half and I’ll let you use my parking spot for the same amount of time.” Lucifer gives his final offer.
“Deal!” The teacher agrees excitedly. “I’ll keep my slate so fuckin’ clean the crazy janitor won’t want to even be near me!”
“Not like that will be difficult to accomplish…” Baxter mutters under his breath as he rolls his eyes.
“Yeah you do…that, Mam..” Lucifer says with what he hopes is a reassuring grin and moves on the next troublemakers. “Adam and Lute, you two are next.”
“Woah, hold the fuck on.” Vox puts a hand up to interject unnecessarily. “I thought we were going alphabetically? Why is Adam next? He and Lute aren’t even from the same department?”
“Well Lute is next and she and Adam are basically a package deal so I thought I’d just get him out of the way.” The Principal answers simply with a shrug.
“Hell yeah we are!” Adam exclaims proudly as he slings his arm around Lute’s shoulders.
Lucifer resists the urge to roll his eyes as Lute’s usually tense posture immediately relaxes at the contact. “See?” He demonstrates for Vox.
Vox just scoffs in response and crosses his arms. “Whatever.”
“Anyway, Lute.” Lucifer flips to her profile as he addresses the PE teacher. “I’m going to be honest. I’m very concerned about how you treat your students.”
“Why?” Lute glares defensively, tense body language already back in full swing regardless of Adam stuck to her side like glue. “My teaching methods get the best results out of almost everyone in this damn room.”
“Your ‘teaching methods’ are practically torture! You can’t make the kids run laps as a punishment in 80 degree weather! That’s how kids get heatstroke and that’s how we get sued!” Lucifer shouts frustratedly.
“80 degrees isn’t even that hot. If they can’t handle that then they’re weak.” Lute claims fiercely.
“Christ Lute…” Lucifer breathes out. “If you’re going to make them run laps you make them do it inside where there is air conditioning.” The blonde commands. “You psycho…” He mutters that last part quietly so the woman can’t hear.
Lute continues to glare at him before reluctantly relenting. “Fine.” She bites out.
“And one more thing, you can’t be biased with your punishments. Especially against my daughter and her girlfriend.” Lucifer tells her sternly, eyes narrowed. “If I get told over dinner again that you made them do 50 push ups just for going to the bathroom you're done for. You understand? You are one of the staff I'm capable of firing at any time, remember that.”
As Lute seethes, the staff members that Lucifer can’t technically fire all relish in their immunity. Vox chuckles to himself lowly alongside Alastor, Pentious snickers while Baxter mimics the woman's furious expression, and Husk gives her one of his rare smirks as the dark skinned man takes another swig of his alcohol that he definitely shouldn’t have on school grounds.
Lute clenches her fists so hard Lucifer is sure she’s seeing red. “Understood, sir…”
“Good.” Lucifer replies smugly with a satisfied smile and flips all the pages on his clipboard to lay flat so he can access the very first teacher profile on top. “Moving on to Adam. If I get another goddamn noise complaint about your students playing ‘stick it to the man’ too loud I’m confiscating your guitar.”
“Not cool man…not cool.” Adam says disappointingly as if Lucifer’s the one in the wrong.
“What do you mean ‘not cool’?” Lucifer asks with unimpressed finger quotes. “You’re not even supposed to be teaching them that!”
“Rock isn’t something that’s taught! It’s something that’s felt!” Adam shouts back as he grabs his chest dramatically like he truly believes the words he’s saying.
“Oh my god you’re the worst.” The Principal groans, just barely resisting the urge to bang his head against the clipboard in his hands. “The winter concert is coming up in 3 months so just stick to sleigh ride for fucks sake.”
“Ugh, sleigh ride is so fucking boring.” Adam grumbles.
Lucifer stares at the other man blankly. “I’ll let you make a giant slapstick.”
“Wait for real?” Adam asks to which the blonde nods. “Oh fuck yeah! We’re totally getting some wood after this Lute. Not in a sexy way.”
Lucifer looks both confused and annoyed. “Why would that be sexy?”
Adam gives him a smarmy smile and gestures towards his crotch. “Wood.” He says in lue of an explanation.
Once it sinks in Lucifer’s frown lines are on full display. “Eugh…I didn’t need to know that. Speaking of what or who you do outside of work, it’s outside of work for a reason. Don’t tell your high school aged students detailed stories about your dates, no one wants to hear about that.”
“Uh, they asked me about the dates.” Adam replies defensively.
“They’re trying to get you to waste the class period you dip shit cause apparently you can talk about a singular failure of a date for an entire hour.” Vox interjects smugly.
“Says you, shark fucker!” Adam retorts and flips the computer science teacher off.
“Hey! I don’t fuck sharks, I just admire them!” Vox yells back, offended.
“Whatever.” Adam rolls his eyes as he unslings his arm from around Lute’s shoulders and leans his weight into her instead of the vending machine behind him. “I don’t even go on that many dates anymore.”
Vox laughs harshly at that. “Why? Lost what little game you had?”
“No! I just don’t need to!” Adam shouts. The brief, almost unsure, glance he sends Lute’s way does not escape Lucifer’s notice.
“Jesus Christ…” Lucifer sighs as he flips through the pages of his clipboard. This is going to be an HR nightmare. Well not that he has any room to talk. “I don’t care who you date, just keep those late night dalliances away from the students' ears. Anyway, back on track. Lev, you’re next.”
“Hold on.” The swim coach holds a hand up to stop him from continuing. Lucifer pauses as he watches the woman absolutely chug the large cup of water she took from the water cooler. She lets out a refreshed sigh once the small paper cup is empty and easily crushes it in her fist to chuck it into the trash can like a frat boy would a beer. “Okay, now I’m ready.”
“Great…” Lucifer says a bit off kilter at the irregular interruption. “Only one thing to talk about with you. You can’t keep the swim team for practice till 8:00 pm. They have homes to go back to, you’re overworking them.”
Leviathan tilts her head, confused. “If they don’t practice then how are they going to be better than all their competitors?”
“Well they don’t need to be better than every team all the time Lev…” Lucifer says softly.
For some reason he’s always just had more patience with the teachers like Leviathan, Ozzie, Bel, ect. He thinks it’s due to some kind of strange kinship he feels with them.
“Yes they do.” The coach insists. “What is the point of a competition if not to be better than your competitors?”
“I don’t know, usually people do it for fun. Not to have a bunch of trophies to prove their superiority.” Lucifer replies dryly.
“That sounds ridiculous!" The woman exclaims as she puts her hands on her hips.
“No, what’s ridiculous is having to buy a whole new trophy case just for swimming awards.” He counters.
“That sounds like an achievement to me.” Leviathan responds shamelessly.
“An achievement at the cost of your students' health is not worth it Lev.” Lucifer scolds. “You can’t keep them late for that long.”
“Okay yeah. That makes complete sense.” Leviathan easily concedes with a shrug.
Lucifer almost falters at the sudden change. Thankfully he’s gotten used to the woman’s hot and cold personality over the months he’s gotten to know her. “You’ll only keep them till 5?”
“Only till 5.” She repeats as confirmation.
Lucifer was honestly expecting that to be harder. “Alright…Moving on then. Husk, your turn.”
The man gives him a grunt of acknowledgement as he places his beer bottle on the table with a sharp clink. Husk is one of the hires that was actually Alastor’s personal recommendation. Lucifer thought that the school needed security of some kind but getting the authorities involved was too much of a hassle. So Alastor said he would call up some friends of his. One to act as the muscle and another to act as the speed and agility that would also do double duty as the janitor.
No matter how much Alastor reassured him that their records were clean he still did an incredibly thorough background check on the two to ensure they weren’t dangerous criminals. Well it turns out they were dangerous criminals, just ones that didn’t get caught yet. Lucifer honestly should’ve known, with them being Alastor’s friends and all, but he was desperate and hired them anyway. Husk has always kept to himself mostly. Only occasionally chatting up the drama department TA instead of focusing on his job.
But that’s not exactly the problem…
The 30 year old’s massive drinking problem is the real issue. But of course Lucifer isn’t allowed to fire the ones that give him the most trouble per his punishment from dear old Dad. The Principal watches him down the last of his beer in a similar manner that Leviathan downed that water like she’d die without it.
“You can’t keep coming to work hung over Husk, and you especially can’t be drinking on the job.” Lucifer tells him as the man wipes some stray drops of beer from his bottom lip.
“Why not?” The man asks. “Bee does it all the time.”
Lucifer glances at the home ec teacher. She actually seems to currently be nursing a hangover of her own if the tense expression on her face is any indication. “Yeah, but Bee has her own problems…”
“Hey!” Bee shouts, disgruntled at the accusation. “I mean yeah, but…Hey!”
“Point is, it’s not okay for Bee to do it either so just try to work on that. At least keep the alcohol off school grounds, please.” Lucifer says and at the man’s nod flips to the next profile. “We’re almost done, people. Only 3 more to go and we can all go home so don’t make this any more difficult than it needs to be. Next up is Bel.”
At the lack of usual acknowledgement Lucifer looks up from his clipboard confused. “Bel?” Once he does he spots the small form of the school nurse laying face down on the table fast asleep.
“Bel!” The blonde shouts to try and wake her up to no avail as she keeps snoring away. “Not again…” He sighs.
“Oi! Wake up ya dumb cunt!” Mammon yells and kicks at her chair causing the narcoleptic to regain consciousness with a start.
The nurse lets out a loud snort. “Huh…Wassaup?” She asks as she blearily takes in her surroundings.
“We’re in the middle of a meeting/teacher evaluation right now Bel…” Lucifer says, exasperated but not surprised in the slightest.
“Oh…” She replies drowsily. She brushes the strands of her curly hair that are stuck to the sides of her face back behind her ears. “Is...it my turn..?”
The Principal nods. “Yep. And this is actually exactly what I wanted to talk about. It seems that even though you do have multiple complaints they all stem from one specific issue. You need to get better at taking your narcolepsy meds. We can’t have you falling asleep while actively treating a kid who's sick or injured…again.”
“...Sorry, Lu.” She apologizes through a yawn.
Lucifer sighs. It’s hard for him to stay upset at the woman. “It’s alright, just make sure you’re less forgetful about that in the future. You and Lev are neighbors right? Maybe she could help remind you.”
“No one has a better memory than me.” Leviathan brags proudly as she flips the long hair of the non shaved side of her head with a flourish. “I’ll make sure you never forget, Bel.”
“Yay…” The nurse responds while she struggles to keep her eyes open. Lucifer lets out a small laugh at her very small display of genuine enthusiasm that seems completely insincere.
“Moving on to Bee.” Lucifer announces and flips to the home ec teacher’s profile. He lets out a barely audible groan at the many notes and complaints about the woman. “Oh boy…Where to start? Well speaking of Bel, stop trying to steal her drugs. Those are not for recreational use. Stop being a jackass.”
“Hey, I’m proud to be a jackass.” Bee responds shamelessly.
Lucifer rolls his eyes. “Yeah slap that on a t-shirt.”
“Watch me.” Bee replies with a grin, apparently taking that as a challenge. Lucifer wouldn’t be surprised if she actually has that t-shirt by next week. She might even commission Rosie to have it made.
Lucifer ignores her and scans the profile. “Most of these are just complaints about you coming into work hung over. How often do you do that?”
The woman thinks about it for a moment as she twirls a strand of her multicolored hair. “Probably like 3 times a week…”
Lucifer face palms with a groan. “You are so lucky I like you…You can’t be teaching kids to cook with a pounding headache, it causes you to make mistakes. Like that time you put a quart of white wine into your pasta sauce instead of a cup and left the wine unattended.”
“That wasn’t even that big of a deal…” The teacher shrugs it off.
“Almost half the class got drunk, Bee…” Lucifer deadpans.
“So what? That’s legal in some countries.” Bee tries to argue. “Besides that wasn’t even my fault, I’m pretty sure that freaky janitor swapped the measurements on purpose. I think she’s been stealing some of my knives too…”
Lucifer’s always been a bit wary of the janitor so that information is concerning to say the least. “...Really?”
“That’s not true!” Baxter interjects from his seat next to her. “Vox is the one that took your knives, not Niffty.”
“Wha- Me?!” Vox bristles at the accusation. “What use would I have for some stupid ass knives?!”
“What use would you have for the Principal's name plate?” Alastor asks with a condescending tilt of his head. “You took that, did you not?”
“And my guitar picks.” Adam chimes in.
“And my whistle.” Lute adds on sternly.
“And my swim cap.” Leviathan says.
“And our scripts.” Moxxie pouts.
“And our test tubes.” Baxter states while gesturing between him and Pentious.
“And my knives!” Bee shouts.
Vox grits his teeth in anger. “I didn’t steal your goddamn knives!”
“I don’t care who stole them between Vox or Niffty. I can’t fire either of you anyway so it basically doesn’t matter.” Lucifer says dismissively. “I’ll have Alastor talk with Niffty sometime next week. Yet again, Vox, stop stealing shit.”
“I didn’t even-” Vox starts to protest before being interrupted.
“Moving on!” The Principal announces. “We’re in the home stretch, everyone. Just one person left.” A series of relieved sighs and groans resound throughout the room
“Finally we’re onto-” Lucifer cuts himself off with a sigh as Alastor raises a hand smugly. “Yes, Alastor?”
“I believe I’m next, Principal Morningstar.” The man grins as he lowers his hand back down to his lap.
“Yeah…saved the worst for last.” The blonde grumbles to himself.
Alastor tilts his head at an almost unnatural angle. “Hmmm, I’m fairly certain that’s not how the saying goes..”
Lucifer narrows his eyes at the teacher. “I don’t care how the saying goes, I just care about what’s accurate.”
“Ah yes, always such a stickler for accuracy. That’s why the height listed on your ID is 5’5 instead of 5’4.” Alastor replies as he examines his nails, unbothered.
“You motherfucker, I told you that in confidence!” Lucifer fumes and harshly flips the page to reach Alastor’s profile, almost ripping the paper in the process. “Alright, you know what? You asked for it…” Alastor has the most complaints on the notes section by far. “First of all, stop eating my lunch. I know it’s you that’s been doing it, quit it.”
“How do you know that for certain?” Alastor asks amusedly. “Are you sure you aren’t mistaken?”
“Vox sent me the security footage.” Lucifer informs him blankly.
Alastor’s smile falters ever so slightly at that as he addresses the man across from him. “Traitor.”
“Loser.” Vox sneers back.
“Simpleton.” Alastor easily counters not even looking in his direction.
“Virgin!” Vox shouts, slamming his hands onto the table.
“Hey!” Lucifer yells to interrupt their back and forth. “Shut up, both of you. Shit like this is why your classrooms are on opposite sides of the building.”
“He’s just pissy he got caught.” Vox claims and crosses his arms almost petulantly.
“I wouldn’t have gotten caught if you were capable of minding your business.” Alastor replies with a roll of his eyes.
Lucifer gives him an unimpressed look. “You wouldn’t have gotten caught if you never did it to begin with.”
“Now, where’s the fun in that?” Alastor simpers at the Principal.
“I’d honestly rather buy you lunch than have you keep taking mine.” Lucifer says.
Alastor’s ever present grin somehow gets wider. “I’d be amenable to that.”
Lucifer has a sinking feeling that he just walked right into another one of Alastor’s traps. “Great…Another thing, similar to Lute, you can’t be biased with your grading. Especially not against my daughter’s girlfriend.”
“I wouldn’t call it bias, exactly.” The teacher attempts to defend himself.
“You took 5 points off of her essay because she spelled her name differently than she usually does…” Lucifer reminds him. “You can’t do that, Alastor. That’s unfair to her.”
“She came at me with hostility first.” Alastor replies unashamedly. “I merely responded in kind.”
“She’s a highschooler, Alastor. You can’t have beef with someone a decade younger than you. You’re a grown ass man, act like it.” Lucifer scolds him, relishing in the slight twitch of the man’s eye. “Speaking of beef, you can’t use the seating chart to start arguments between your students.”
“But it’s oh so entertaining to watch Charlie verbally rip into that Von Eldritch girl anytime they’re sat next to each other.” Alastor chuckles.
Lucifer sighs. “Stop sitting my daughter next to people you know she dislikes. She dislikes them for a reason.”
“You really are intent on taking away the joy I get out of this job.” Alastor complains.
“Oh please, you get enough joy out of bothering me to last you an entire lifetime.” Lucifer rolls his eyes and looks back at his clipboard. “You need to stop using the PA system as your own personal radio show. I will not hesitate to take away your privilege of doing the morning announcements.”
“You wouldn’t know proper entertainment if it hit you square on the forehead.” The teacher mutters irritatedly as he taps his shoe on the ground.
“Alright, we’re not going there again you pompous prick.” Lucifer shuts him down sternly. “Next thing, you can’t make your tests and quizzes impossible to get 100% on purpose. You’re going to drive the tryhards either insane or to tears. Don’t smile at that you sadistic weirdo.”
Unfortunately Alastor just seems to delight in being called sadistic. “I suppose I’ll spare them the crushing failure till next semester.”
The Principal gives him an incredulous look. “Till next semester?”
“Well it can’t be a permanent addition.” Alastor insists. “They’ll think I’m going soft otherwise.”
“You really have no business being a teacher...” Vox chimes in with a glare.
“You certainly don’t have any room to talk, Vincent.” Alastor easily brushes off the remark.
“It’s Vox!” The brunette yells back.
“Vox calm down…” Lucifer says exasperatedly. “That’s another thing Alastor, stop purposely provoking the other teachers, especially Vox.”
Alastor pays no mind to the computer science teacher flipping him off for the 5th time today. His attention is solely focused on the blonde in front of him. “Goodness, just how many complaints about me do you have on that silly little clipboard of yours, Principal Morningstar?” He asks with another stupid tilt of his head.
“Too many to count.” Lucifer grumbles.
“Well I’d love to hear them…” Alastor leans forward with the challenge, the chains of his glasses brushing over his cheek as he does so.
Lucifer’s eyes narrow at the obvious prompt. “Fine.” He relents, unclips Alastor’s profile from the rest, and flips it over. He starts to read the many notes and complaints that continue to take almost the entire backside.
“Stop parking in my parking spot, stop coming into work super early before me, stop encouraging Niffty to stab the roaches instead of spraying them, stop using the phone in your classroom to call my office while you know I’m busy and while you are supposed to be teaching your class, stop leaving your class unattended to go bother me, stop telling my daughter to think of you as a second father, stop making fun of my height all the time, stop making jokes about the stock market crash, stop clicking your pen all the time, stop calling Hannibal Lecter ‘relatable’, stop threatening your co-workers, and stop refusing to use technology because that makes my job 10 times harder when you won’t read your goddamn email.”
Alastor blinks a couple of times once the Principal has finished, smug grin not faltering. “Anything else?”
“Stop being the worst.” Lucifer suggests, annoyed.
There’s a small moment of silence between the two men before Alastor quietly inhales to let out a simple. “No.”
“Then I guess meeting adjourned or whatever.” Lucifer replies like he wasn’t expecting anything less.
“Wait, seriously?!” Vox asks incredulously. “That’s it?!”
“Yep that’s it.” Lucifer confirms, setting down the clipboard. He turns around to grab the large black bag that contains his work computer from under the table behind him. “You can all head home now.”
“Wha- All that bullshit and he only gets a slap on the wrist?!” Vox continues to argue, wildly gesturing at the man.
As Lucifer slings the strap of his bag over his shoulder he cocks a brow at the furious teacher. “Who said that’s all he's getting?”
“I-” Vox starts before he’s interrupted once again. Lucifer found that’s one of his new favorite things to do.
“Anyway! You’re all dismissed, have a nice weekend!” Lucifer announces to the room and does a sweeping gesture to the door when no one moves to get up.
“Fuck yeah!” Adam celebrates and grabs Lute to drag her out of the room. “C’mon babe, Home Depot closes at 9.”
The pale woman blushes at the endearment as she lets herself be guided out of the room by her arm. Lucifer watches them go shaking his head disappointedly. Once they’ve left, everybody else gets a clue and quickly files out of the teacher’s lounge. Which leaves the Principal alone with the language arts teacher.
Alastor has made no move to get up even when first dismissed. His attention remains fixated on Lucifer and Lucifer alone. The weight of the man’s stare makes the blonde shift his weight a little.
“Do you need something?” Lucifer eventually asks with an impatient look.
“Not exactly.” Alastor replies smoothly, still staring at him.
Lucifer rolls his eyes at that, not in the mood for the teacher’s games. “Whatever you want, can it wait until you’re outside of the school? I need to make sure that everyone is out of the building before I lock up.”
Alastor’s smile widens and he gets up from his seat with a flourish. “Certainly.”
“Great…” Lucifer responds dryly as he moves over to the door to shut off the lights.
He doesn’t bother to look behind him as he walks in the direction of the parking lot. He knows that Alastor will be right behind him. And sure enough the sharp sound of the teacher’s dress shoes against the hard floor follows him out the door. The blonde grabs his keys and phone from the confines of his jacket pocket to check if his daughter has texted him anything. Once he turns it on he sees a notification from her telling him that she’ll be staying at Vaggi’s for the weekend. He sends her a thumbs up and a small message to have a good time.
“Awww isn’t that sweet?” Alastor coos from where’s reading the texts from over the small man's head.
Lucifer stiffens a momentarily at Alastor’s sudden interjection before just shaking his head, deciding to ignore him. He quickens his pace once the doors leading to the parking lot are finally in sight. He opens the heavy door, a large burst of refreshing cold fall wind blowing in his face as he does so. He holds it open tapping a foot impatiently as he waits for Alastor to catch up and get his ass outside. He swears the man started walking slower on purpose.
“Thank you, my dear.” Alastor smiles as he slinks through the gap with the grace of a cat.
Lucifer doesn’t pay him any mind as he watches the man walk towards his car instead of his own. He chooses instead to focus on thoroughly locking the doors behind him. Niffty will take care of the other ones once she’s finished cleaning. Once he’s ensured they’re safely locked he presses a button on his keys, unlocking his car, before putting them back in his pocket.
He just manages to prevent a loud groan as he watches the language arts teacher open the door to his driver's seat. Thankfully the man doesn’t get inside, instead just opting to keep the door open for Lucifer. He strides over to where Alastor stands proudly at the door.
Lucifer gives him one last suspicious look before taking his large bag off his shoulder. He ducks to carefully place it in his passenger seat, making sure the computer inside isn’t damaged from rough treatment. When he’s satisfied with the bag’s position he steps inside and situates himself at the steering wheel. However once he grabs for the handle to shut it he’s stopped by Alastor’s grip on the handle on the other side of the door.
“Do you have any plans for this weekend, Principal Morningstar?” The teacher asks persistently.
“Not really, I was planning on just ignoring my annoying partner.” Lucifer replies with an unimpressed look.
Alastor chuckles at that and leans down a bit. “And how, exactly, do you expect to do that?”
“Like this.” Lucifer answers and uses his strength to tug the door out of Alastor’s grip, successfully shutting it in his face.
He quickly locks it so the teacher doesn’t get any ideas, giving him a smug smile through the window. Alastor’s eyes narrow in annoyance at being thwarted. He backs up as Lucifer starts his car to pull out of the parking lot. The low rumble of the engine cluing him in that he lost this round. Lucifer gives him a small two finger salute and reverses his car to leave Alastor standing alone in the parking lot, fuming and Luciferless.
The drive home is as uneventful as it usually is when it’s just him in the car. Lucifer doesn’t even bother to turn on the radio to break the dull silence. What’s the point if he won’t hear a beautiful soprano singing along to the songs from the back seat or a soft hum occasionally accompanied by interesting radio facts from next to him?
Lucifer pulls into his driveway parking inside his garage and places his forehead on the steering wheel tiredly. He sighs, readying himself for another silent filled weekend without Charlie to brighten up the place. Once he’s done wallowing in his self pity for a while he opens his door while grabbing his work stuff with his other hand. The blonde gets out of the car and hefts the bag back over his shoulder as he does. He shuts the door with his hip and walks through his garage to reach the door that leads to the staircase upstairs.
When he’s finally inside he places his bag just at the bottom of the stairs and immediately sets his sights on the living room. He lets out a groan of relief when spots the comfy couch in front of the large television. Lucifer plops down on it face first, not even bothering to take his shoes or jacket off first. He situates himself on his back leaning his head against the arm rest and shuts his eyes.
He peers them open however when a small meow from below him gets his attention. A small black and white cat lightly bats at the edge of the couch with persistent mews. Lucifer chuckles at KeeKee’s ever present need for attention that reminds him a lot of someone else.
“Hey sweetie…” He says to her softly.
He shifts his hands down to his sides instead of resting them on his stomach. The cat seems to appreciate the newly given room to lay on top of him as she moves to pounce. Lucifer lets out a small oof as she jumps right on his stomach. He immediately forgives her however once she gets comfortable and curls up right on his chest purring away. Lucifer smiles and scratches at her ears.
“Good girl.” He praises her as he continues to give soothing pets to her soft fur.
The Principal closes his eyes and tries to let sleep claim him but he can’t quiet his loud thoughts long enough to do so. He sighs in defeat and shifts a little to grab his phone back out of his jacket pocket. He knows that holding a bright screen so close to his face isn’t great for his eyes but he can’t find it in himself to care right now.
He scrolls through his phone laughing at some videos of ducks his daughter sent him which jostles the sleeping cat on top of him. When he’s all caught up on looking at all the videos Charlie’s sent him of ducks and the occasional deer he decides to play some random mobile games till he gets bored.
He does that for at least a half an hour before the sound of a knock startles him out of his technology induced trance. Lucifer’s brows furrow in confusion at the sudden visitor. Thinking that it might be one of the neighbors or an unwanted solicitor Lucifer sets down his phone and grabs KeeKee. Thankfully she doesn’t protest much to the transfer from chest to ground other than a soft mewl. He watches her trot in the direction of the kitchen and moves to get up to open the door.
He doesn’t bother looking out the window to check who’s on his doorstep before swinging the door open. Once he does, he finds himself face to face with the biggest pain in the ass he’s ever dealt with.
“Hello.” Alastor grins down at him.
“Give me one good reason I shouldn’t shut this door in your face right now.” Lucifer asks irritably.
“Like father, like daughter.” Alastor chuckles to himself, not dissuaded at all by the shorter man’s poor attitude. He takes his hands out from behind his back and presents a medium sized red felt bag. “I come bearing gifts.”
Lucifer glances at the bag with poorly disguised curiosity. “What if I don’t want your gifts?”
“My dear, when have you ever wanted me to not cook dinner for you?” Alastor’s question is practically rhetorical. Lucifer is always weak to a home cooked meal, especially one made by him.
Lucifer sighs, relenting, and moves behind the door to let Alastor inside. “Fine. Come in.”
Alastor’s smile widens once he’s allowed entry and strides inside the warm home. He sets the bag down on the small table next to the entrance as Lucifer shuts the door behind him. Lucifer’s curiosity gets the better of him and moves next to Alastor to peer in the bag. He spots what looks like some fresh okra inside a clear plastic bag alongside some smoked sausage and a large bag of white rice.
“You didn’t have to bring all of this.” Lucifer says to the man at his side. “We’ve got at least half of these ingredients already in the fridge and pantry.”
“Nonsense!” Alastor disregards his comment. “It means far more to cook for you with ingredients that came from my own pocket. This is supposed to be an apology after all.”
Lucifer cocks a brow at that. “An apology huh?”
“Of sorts.” Alastor replies simply.
“Right, ‘of sorts’.” Lucifer mutters and shifts away from the other man.
Before he can fully walk away to go lay back on the couch however, Alastor stops him with a firm grip on his forearm.
“You’re in a bad mood.” The teacher says matter of factly.
Lucifer scoffs at that. “Gee, what clued you in?”
It’s a rhetorical question that Alastor takes as literal. “Your serious demeanor throughout the meeting, the fact that you didn’t crack a single joke, stumble over any of your words, your lack of awkward laughter and general social ineptness, the absentness of your usual bright smile, and the consistent furrow of your brow that suggests you have a headache coming on.”
Part of Lucifer feels very warm inside that someone cares enough to observe him that closely. Another part of him is still upset that that same someone is the reason he’s in this mood to begin with. He doesn’t reply with anything, just choosing to drag his gaze from the man in front of him to the plain white wall. Alastor isn’t content with his lack of attention though and softly tightens his grip on Lucifer to tug him closer.
The Principal lets out an undignified yelp as he narrowly avoids colliding face first into Alastor’s lower chest. He plants his feet and glares up at the taller man. A blush rises to his face when he feels the hand previously gripped around his forearm slide down to wrap around his waist.
“Alastor-” Lucifer starts before he’s silenced by the warmth of the teacher’s other hand cradling the side of his face.
“Shhh…” Alastor shushes him softly. “I’ll help with that horrid mood of yours, my dear.”
That’s all the warning he gets before Alastor leans down and slots their lips together in a firm affectionate kiss. Any protest Lucifer initially had is wiped away as he practically melts into the other man. With both of his hands and arms free Lucifer is able to sling them over Alastor’s shoulders. He cards his fingers through the brunette’s thick curly hair with his right to push the man impossibly closer. The kiss deepens as he does so. The cold metal of Alastor’s glasses chain tickling his cheek is a stark contrast to the warm palms currently embracing him.
They stay like that for a solid minute. Just breathing each other’s air and reveling in each other’s company. Eventually it’s Lucifer that pulls away, deeply inhaling the air he forgot to take in before losing himself to the devious man who’s still holding him closely. He looks up at him from his lashes, breathing heavily. Of course he’s expecting nothing less than the smug satisfied expression plastered on Alastor’s face.
“Feel better?” He asks lowly.
Lucifer huffs. “Your kisses aren’t that good, Alastor.”
Alastor’s eyes narrow at that. Before he can get a chance to prove him wrong Lucifer pushes away from him and moves back over to the couch. He sits on the edge and finally finds the energy to remove his jacket. He drapes it over the arm of the couch to act as a pillow of sorts.
He watches as Alastor picks up the bag of ingredients and walks through the living room to place it atop the marble kitchen island. The man starts to one by one remove the ingredients from the bag and organize them by the order they’ll be chopped and cooked in for convenience.
Once he’s finished sorting them he preps the space. He grabs the appropriate knife from the magnetic knife rack hanging over the stove and places it next to the cutting board. Alastor hums to himself as he opens one of the lower cupboards for a large pan and sets that on the stove. He opens one of the higher cupboards and pulls out two separate bowls to put the chopped produce and meat for when they are eventually added to the pan. He turns around to place the bowls next to the cutting board.
When he does he’s met with the sight of Lucifer leaning his back against the couch. His eyes are firmly shut as he roughly rubs at his temples. Alastor sets the ceramic bowls down with a soft clink and walks over to where his frustrated partner resides on the couch.
“Lucifer.” Alastor addresses him quietly.
The unspoken question is obvious to the other man even in his current state. “I can’t sleep…” Lucifer admits.
Alastor sits down next to him and leans against the comfortable arm of the seat. He bends down and moves to remove his shoes, motioning for Lucifer to do the same. Once they both have taken off their shoes Alastor scoots himself to sit up against the couch's arm. He moves his legs to place them on top of the cushions making Lucifer move down to avoid getting kicked.
When he’s situated he spreads his legs and drags Lucifer back over to him to slot him right between the gap. The Principal’s smaller frame fits perfectly against the teacher as Alastor wraps his arms around his waist. The two men are back to chest. Alastor’s chin rests on top of Lucifer’s head, practically burying himself in the blonde strands that smell of fresh apples. His smile widens when he feels Lucifer relax against him.
“It’s a miracle that your bony ass is comfortable to lay on.” The man remarks without any bite.
Alastor just hums in response. Lucifer feels the vibration of it against his back which just serves to calm him more. They stay like that for a while, uninterrupted, until Lucifer feels like talking.
“I hate my job.” He complains.
“I know, my dear.” Alastor replies while rubbing soothing circles into his sides. “That’s exactly why your father gave it to you.”
“I wish I could like it just to spite him but I can’t.” Lucifer admits. “I hate thinking that he won, that he got exactly what he wanted from sticking me in that Hellscape. All because I refused to follow his stupid rules.”
“He hasn’t won completely.” Alastor says and takes one of his hands off the Principal’s waist. With his now free hand he grabs Lucifer’s to place a soft kiss on top of the other man’s knuckles. “You have me.”
Lucifer shakes at little as he lets out a small laugh. “Does that mean you’ll stop making my job harder than it needs to be?”
“Perhaps.” Alastor murmurs. “But of course, who am I if not a personification of your punishment?”
“Wow, how romantic.” Lucifer mutters sarcastically.
Alastor chuckles as Lucifer guides his other hand back to his slim waist. “Only the best endearments for you.”
“Damn right.” Lucifer says while he leans his weight fully against the chest behind him.
Once he’s finally gotten comfortable the sound of a duck quack notification makes him sigh. He makes a move to get up before Alastor tightens his grip, keeping him in place.
“No need, dear. I can reach your phone just fine.” He tells him.
“Finally your long limbs are good for something…” Lucifer replies, still in a snarky mood as he watches Alastor retrieve his phone from the table just behind them.
Alastor hands him his phone, blatantly ignoring that remark. Lucifer hums gratefully and opens his phone to a text from Charlie. She sent him a selfie of her and Vaggi smiling with pillows and blankets surrounding them on all sides. Seems they had taken to making a pillow fort for their sleepover. She captioned the photo with ‘Just so you know where we are! ❤️’.
Lucifer laughs lightly at that. Charlie’s always been such a good girl. Even during her rebellious phase she never stayed out longer than 10 without telling him where she was. Another text comes in a few seconds later of her asking him what he’s doing right now. Lucifer’s fingers hesitate over the keyboard as he thinks of a proper response. Eventually he settles on a casual, ‘Nothing much. Have a good weekend sweetie!’ and sets his phone down with a sigh.
Feeling his now tense posture Alastor looks at him questioningly. “Lucifer? Are you alright?”
“I just- I don’t like lying to her…” Lucifer says as he fiddles with the fabric of his pants. “But how am I supposed to tell my daughter that I’m seeing one of her favorite teachers and have been keeping it a secret for months?”
“I’m one of Charlie’s favorite teachers?” Alastor asks smugly.
Lucifer glares at him as best he can from over his shoulder. “Don’t let it get to your head. You’re either 2nd behind Rosie or 3rd behind Pentious.”
“Well that’s a given.” Alastor replies, unbothered. “What I’m most curious about is if I’m one of your favorites.”
“Right now you don’t even make the top 10.” Lucifer mumbles.
Alastor leans down to place a chaste kiss on the Principal’s outer cheek. “Oh really?” He says against his skin.
“Yes, really.” Lucifer responds, ignoring the heat rising to his face. “You’re not off the hook for the shit you’ve pulled.”
Alastor hums at that as his kisses trail downwards towards the pale man’s neck. “Well hopefully a home cooked meal and a weekend all to ourselves will help make up for it.”
“I doubt it.” Lucifer rolls his eyes and turns his head to grab Alastor by his curls, tugging him closer. “But we won’t know unless we try.”
“Of course, my dear.” Alastor chuckles, leaning in to kiss him once more.