Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Chapter 1 

The room was large and lightened, the arguments and yelling had finally stopped. Silence lingering within the shallow walls . Footsteps are approaching, rushed and forced, full of anger . The door slams open, shaking. 

"Ugh! That foolish and stupid Vanilla cookie!!" Shadow milk shouts. "He always wants to make me feel guilty of my actions! That's emotional manipulation. Wasn't he supposed to be so kind?".

     He spins around the room, reviewing the argument he had with Pure Vanilla. He was always shouting, but Nills always looked so unfazed and sickeningly kind, that cursed look in his eyes...

"How pathetic! How scandalous! Me , the Beast of deceit, to tremble upon an old man ?! " his voice shakes

"I bet I looked so pitiful... So miserable!" . Shadow milk lays down on the bed , ruining the perfection and precision it was made of, sheets tangling into themselves. This room is disgustingly bright. Made special for Vanilla's dearest guests. Polished floors , wide windows , kind of poshly if you'd ask him.

What did Shadow milk do to deserve this? He did everything he could to make Vanilla suffer, yet , he was still treated nicely.

"Foolish cookies, you try to crumble them and they still care. Wasn't I horrible enough to get the fate that I deserve? A cookie of deceit shouldn't be treated like this! So fake, so hollow." .

A thousand thoughts spiral inside Shadow milk's mind, tangling , rushing, crashing one into another. He gets up with shaking hands and approachs the window. Then he closes the curtains impulsively, he doesn't need this much brigthenss. Darkness fast surrounded the room , not enough. 

    In the corner of the room, there's a desk with a chair , dust already gathering. Shadow milk sits down, wiping with his hand the dust off before.

How pathetic! Where are the tricks that saved him always? A hollow feeling clenches on him . This feels old yet so new... Where's the audience that praised him with so much joy ? The applause, laughs and giggles? Isn't he a jester anymore? Is he a disposable object now? Thousands and thousands of thoughts engulf his scattered mind. He isn't a prisoner, but also not free... Will he ever be ? Was he ever? Look at him now , once a puppeteer, now nothing.

Oh this feels familiar, way too familiar. Who knew there were such pretty chains awaiting him? He's now back , eons ago, when his fragile soul was still pure and untouched by deceit. He did what he was taught to, spread the knowledge and truth . But , the cookies didn't want that , they preferred the sweet little lies over the harsh truth.

Wasn't he useless? A god created just to fill a hole , a hole also left by the sickening greed of others . Isn't it the same as now ? A jester whidouth the circus or stage is futile. Why does Pure vanilla still care ? Isn't he the one that ruined and tournamented him ? Pft! A jester left at the mercy of the king! Such a cliché ! How pitiful! He's lucky pure vanilla didn't end him ! But , looking at the state he's in now , he should've. Oh... yeah...! Almost forgot, he's immortal. Made to forever witness his own downfall, the only thing he was ever made for . Impending doom. Entertaining.

    * In the corner of his eye , a pair of scissors is in sight. He grabs it and analyze it. The light reflecting so beautifully on that sharp silver blade. The comfortable handle , such a polished object ! It looks like it was carved perfectly for the shape of his fingers. If silver was the thing that imprisoned him for so long , why wouldn't it be also the thing that frees him ? His judgement felt as rational as ever.

Soon enough a warm droplet of jam falls to the ground, more to follow... A hypnotizing blue shade instantly soaked into the white felt of his rolled up sleeve. His whole wrist began to ache, finally, a piece of quiet inside his own mind. He closed his eyes, enjoying the blissful, temporary silence as the sound of droplets hitting the ground echoed. Footsteps are approaching, pretty fast . Shadow milk hears them , rationality fading, he tries to hide the evidence of his act , wiping away the mess with a pure white fabric nearby, in a hurry, he forgot to clean his wounds. His chest tightening, shoving the scissors inside a drawer. *

"Can I come in ?" A soft voice says. "I don't know, can you?" He shouts sharply. The door opens slowly, the beast notices his wrist and attempts to hide it behind his back , foolish mistake. "How are you doing Shadow milk? Did you get comfortable with the new surroundings?" spoke Vanilla noticing the darkness around him. "Yeah pretty much. Why would you care?" , " Shadow milk, you're my guest, I'd wish your stay to be as comfortable as it can be in the vanilla king-" .

A droplet of jam lingers down his wrist dripping on the ground, it felt warm , too warm. His whole body tensed up , avoiding the piercing gaze that was set upon that exact spot he started feeling ashamed of. That's it ! Close the curtains, shut the lights , go home ! The show is over and the circus's closed ! Shadow milk's dough whiteness in shock.

"Shadow milk?" Vanilla whisperes softly and gentle. "Ugh - I...I-", the master of lies stumbles ? How pitiful! "It's fine! It's nothing, get out!". "Shadow milk, don't lie to me , please...I saw the droplet ,I'm not blind...". Of course he's not , why would he be? Why would the jester's life be bearable? The yelling starts again, how fun.

"No ! You saw nothing! I'm fine , it's fine! Get out of here ! It's not your business! And don't tell me what to do or not!", "..." , "Shadow milk. It's okay, I just want to help . I can heal them . Please...". His unwavering light glowing tenderly , almost calm, he sits on the edge of the bed , patting his lap. Shadow milk, rolling his eyes ,  approaches him.

"Please, roll up your sleeve." , "Don't look a it." , "I can't help if I can't see it... Please." Shadow Milk does so , painfully slowly. He stops halfway, arm refusing to move. He inhales shakily , forcing himself to continue, avoiding it with his eyes turning his head away.

When Vanilla's eyes met the deep blue lines spreading all across his wrist, his mind blacks out. There were so many... Lighter, older ones , looking like they've been done in a hurry, then there's the darker ones, looking so painfully intentional.

A droplet of jam lingered on his own hand, slowly, reverently even... How... Why... Staining his own hands with the jam of another wasn't something Vanilla wished to ever experience. Especially like this. It felt... monstrous. The droplet cooled off as it reaches the healer's sleeve , leaving behind a tray of azure .

"Blue bird..." he swallows "Why must you hurt yourself this way ?" He mumbled , almost asking for permission with his eyes . No answer, only the trembling breath of his counterpart. Shadow milk's hands are cold , freezing cold .

Vanilla starts healing his wounds, wrapping his hands gently on top of the wounds, also granting warmth. His touch was sickeningly soft. So disgustingly tender , feeling almost addictive. He was never touched like this before. His fingers persisting on the deeper lines. It stinged, not enough to pull away but too much to ignore.

"There you go. Please, don't hurt yourself, you matter.", Shadow is sick of his words , really trying to get under his skin, won't happen, but , this was really the first time someone told him this... "May I check the other one as well?" He adds gently. "Do I have a choice?" Says Shadow milk sarcastically. "Okay then , enough for now , please rest . See you at dinner" .

Pure vanilla gets up and leaves . Shadow milk looks at his shadow and footsteps fade into the halls . Hours pass like seconds when you're trying to avoid something that's unfortunate inevitable... 

   "How dare he !? Saying such blasphemies towards the prodigious Beast of Deceit!! I don't need his cursed help! How pathetic and pitiful I sure had looked!" The once noble, brilliant “Fount of Knowledge,” burdened with wisdom, admired, is now a mockery of what he once was, trapped in self-blame and misery.

He stares into the void, voices burying him deeper in thoughts , wanting to never meet Vanilla's face again... Few days passed since his arrival and now, the foolish king already got his eye on him. Even miserable how he was before, it's still better than this pitiful cookie. Poor shadow milk cookie, ain't it? "ON THE WITCHES! WHY CAN'T I HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF REST IN THIS DAMN HEAD! " he shouts to himself.

"I know the perfect thing!" He hissed with a sharp grin "A show to distract me ! Nothing heals old wounds like some good old deceit and trickery!! Mhm! " He stumbles "But , honestly, I'm a bit exhausted ain't I ? Oh then , let the tricks for tomorrow. We have some room decor to do!" He sing-songs . 

      On the other side, Vanilla slowly walks down the halls towards his room. He opens the door gently, deep in thought. How else could he be , the moment he had with Shadow milk was..., kinda shocking.

He looks back at his hands and sleeve , stained by blue. It horrified him , deeply. He absolutely should wash that, or just change already. He walks down to his bed and sits near the edge , burying his face with his hands .

Has he done something wrong? All he wanted was to help , right? Is it his fault that shadow milk now punishes himself? He did the right thing for the kingdom and himself by tricking Shadow milk back then just to regain his freedom. He gaved him a room in his castle and a chance to change his ways ... Pure vanilla couldn't leave him there alone. He knows Shadow milk isn't evil, just, broken.

Oh Pure Vanilla, how selfless of you. You did what you had to do , and still feel guilty for chosing yourself over someone else. Someone who tried to hurt you. A healer who heals everyone but himself. Pure vanilla, silently breaking inside, but still doing what's best for everyone, except himself. No matter how hard you try to hurt him , he'll never blame you. But who takes all the blame? Himself. Every day, feeling like collapsing, like taking another step would bring him to an end, he still continues . But not for him , but for others, cause if they wouldn't exist , why would he ?

Oh Vanilla, I know that even in your last moments, you'd apologize to others for disturbing their peace with your needs. If you're not the embodiment of purity and kindness, what are you?

And you know it better than anyone, how  Shadow milk, is a constant reminder of what you can become if you fail . That's maybe why you want to save him so bad , to prove to yourself that you're not predestined for a tragic fate . Or , is that fate already reached? Isn't that so selfish of you? He's clearly suffering more than you do. Why are you making this about yourself? This doesn't fit the role and porpose you're supposed to fill. It looks like you really are just like him.

    The clock ticks . Did two hours passed already?? When? Well , it looks like it's time to announce Shadow milk about dinner... 

Chapter Text

     Pure vanilla walks down the halls that now seem endless. Light lingering within the walls , shadows twisting and swirling, fading into a taunting dance. The golden lace of Vanilla's robe shimmering in the reflecting light. Dozens of carefully painted portraits by the most masterful painters staring back at him . Piercing their glare at the healer tainted by blood. The sound of his footsteps slowly becoming muted. Closed wooden doors lay next to his sides , their beautiful carved patterns now being unrecognizable by his foggy , darkened mind .

   Perhaps Shadow milk needed some more time ? Wouldn't it be a shame to rush it ? What just happened between them was disturbing, but he wouldn't let his precious guest starve... That was against his ethics.

    His eyes lingering on the door in front of him , the one in which his behalf laid. Sudden sickness knots his stomach. His body feels limp , he might have been afraid. But of what? It wasn't his fault for the incident, was it? Well it surely felt like it . His gentle heart sank , stepping on it for the sake of connection.

  He knocks softly, hands slightly trembling, clinging onto the fragile , shredded leverage of hope. He inhales, and waits quietly for the smallest sign of life. Seconds melt , insanely how impatient the healer can become.

      "Blue bird? Are you there?" He mutters ,voice hoarse, almost cracking from the constant pressure of his gleaming healing beam. No answer. Maybe he has left... He for sure did ! What a horrible excuse! Vanilla's heart starts pounding, slowly breaking the glass tape of his unwavering patience.

     He opens the door , slowly. Carefully not to interrupt the stillness of the moment. "Shadow milk??".

    He was crouching on the bed , eyes unfocused, staring into the distance, startled by the moment, he quickly turned his head "Oh there you are Nills ! I was wondering when you're going to do your entrance!".

 His voice was barely cracking, unnoticeable for the untrained eye , poignant enough for Vanilla, especially for the sharp edges he hid under that sick grin of his that the healer knew oh so well .

     Pure vanilla breathed a sigh of half-relief , he was alive , at least.

   "Oh... Then , shall we head to the kitchen?" , "Not hungry Nills. Go wihout me, I don't need it." He tiled his head , glancing at him with a somewhat droplet of teasing barely detectable. He surely didn't need it... "Blue bird, but you've skipped breakfast and lunch also . You're sure you don't want to ?" . Oh , he has a choice now, how surprising. "I'm immortal , Nilly. I don't need food to remain alive. Not the same for you though. You should eat something.".

    He knows this little limbo very well. Such an exhausting game of chess... He knows exactly what Shadow milk was doing, exactly what he always does when he's feeling cornered. This was one of his several attempts at dominating the conversation. Twisting and swirling his words until only a pretty lie he tolerates escapes out of his poisonous mouth.

   "If it has to do with what happened earlier-" "Oh you're oh-so silly , Nilly! It's in the past, the show must go on!". "I'd like you to come with me , Shadow milk." Vanilla kept his voice firm and low , non threatening. Still , Shadow milk considered his confidence overflowing. No more 'blue bird' ? Such a pity...

    "Fine ! But don't blame me if the dishes are wasted!", Vanilla's eyes softened as he opened the door again, allowing the jester to exit first. Such a gentleman...

   They walked together down the halls, the same eyes filled halls . Real or not , created by the strokes of a silky brush or born ,it didn't matter, those were eyes , you couldn't convince Shadow milk otherwise.

   The warm color palette of the well thought and carefully designed castle was disgustingly bright, seemingly mocking . The way the light engulfed the atmosphere , the soft sky blue velvet carpet they were walking on , he wanted to tear it all to shreds for it felt made only to spite him .

    Perhaps he's considering himself slightly too significant in this annoying pest's life. Pure vanilla trying to reach for his hand , almost daring to grab it . Instead, Shadow, pulled it aside, refusing the sudden contact.

    Minutes stretched , the jester began to grow impatient at the enormous castle, he wondered when Vanilla's room could be , perhaps it would be nice to pay it a visit...

    He could swear that if he sees one more beige waffle cones or this sickening luminosity, he'll simply melt away into the ground and let himself be engulfed by this blasphemy. How could anyone have such horrible tastes? It was torture for the eye . 

   They reached the long waited room, finally. The dining hall's chaotic ambience and obtrusive clamor proved quite insufferable. The servants have already furnished the capacious table with an array of dishes most exquisite and diversified. Glimmering light doth coalesce upon the argent cutlery, embellished with lustrous, gilded filigrees, beside crystalline glasses of purest clarity. It was really such a sight for sore eyes. So extravagant, so glamouros, so poshly !

   One oh so prodigious chandelier hang upon the ceiling, glimmering with gold , stuffed with so many burning candles and glass droplets . Were those crystals ?! Little did he knew his soulmate possessed such refined predilections! Oh , what a pity, almost coaxing him to forgive that monstrous golden and beige scramble of a castle!

    They sit down, the jester squinting and mumbling at the feast in front if them . All just a fad. Still, Shadow milk is astonished by the delicate, silk tableware. Brushing so gently across his fingers. He missed such luxury. Oh but how deep was his longing...     

   After eons and eons of being buried within the roots and the filth of that horrendous tree , finally something worth his presence! He cleared his throat, trying to mask the amaze he felt .

   "Okay , didn't knew you were such a posh" Vanilla's smile slowly crumbled. He had never really been called that.... "Anyway ! Nills , and, tell me , I'm so so so so curious what happened while I was locked in that , umm, tree. Don't be shy , spill the tea!!".

  His impaired eyes glimmered with mischief . White , delicate bangs covering most of his vision as he tilted his head sideways, almost provoking. Vanilla began rambling about politics and boring history facts , while the jester was absorbing every single word. His best skill really was deflection, it was fascinating, almost impressive.

   The mastery of his silver tongue , spitting such aberrations , but still managing to lure you into his perspective. Vanilla liked diving into his words . He really knew how to fog his mind . The chat lasted a while, it had been fun . Shadow milk's presence felt really close , almost a need in filling his dull days with witt. He was astonished by his polished words , crafted so carefully to fit his will. The truly puzzling brilliance of the Fount of Knowledge might not have been a rumor after all . No wonder others doubted his sanity. It was... intriguing. He never witnessed such a controversial perspective.

     Pure vanilla decided to ask a question, it seemed appropriate then. "Blue bird... I must say that you truly intrigue me... You're just as gifted as it has been rumoured... Your knowledge and wisdom is far and wide ." The sharp grin on the jester's face faltered only for half a second. So, some may actually believe that his intelligence was a rumor. Wow ,stings. How ignorant. "And , we would really need someone like you in the kingdom council. Would you like to be a part of it ?".

    Vanilla looked at him, eyes shining with curiosity and life. Shadow milk's eyes widened in surprise. Such a request. Such a horrendous request! To help the ones that imprisoned him, such a blasphemy. "Hmm! Knowledge is wasted on me Nills . It always been, apparently... Why don't you ask the ones that actually saw me in all my glory? Or one of your books? What would they say about my intellect? I don't think you'd want that in your silly, little council. And why would I even get from helping you?" .

    "Oh, but, you could still join . You always make me laugh ,and your a good company, so maybe-" . The shouting started again... Shadow milk's gaze sharpened , piercing the healer with it .

   "Oh , so I am just a clown to you? A pitiful object you keep around just to entertain you?? To lighten up your mood?? That's all I am ain't it?? A fool? I genuinely expected much more from ya ! Am I a nothing you keep around as a pet just for giggles because of your oh-so astonishing mercy?! Spit it! Spit it to my face !! Say I'm nothing like everyone else! Look me into my eyes and tell me I'm right! " ,"Shadow milk, why would you think this?" ,"Oh so we're acting innocent now ! Okay, I can do that too! Don't act like a fool in my face ! . Vanilla's dough whiteness, mouth dropping in terror. Words came out of his mouth hoarse, soaked in pain, almost hysterical "No— don’t you dare say that! Don’t you dare put those words in my mouth! You’re not a pet, you’re not a fool, you’re not… nothing. I chose you. I stay because I want to, because you matter— more than you’ll ever let yourself believe. If I’ve failed to show you that, then hate me, scream at me, but don’t— don’t twist this into something it’s not! Don't project your insecurities on me . " ...

   Silence completely engulfed the room, only the shocked stares of the servants , followed by some gasps could be heard... Their breath was scattered, shallow even.

   "Shadow milk- I...I, didn't mean to-" . The jester open his mouth, nothing more than a tired huff ,then he exhaled , exhausted "Proved your point, Nills." .

   He headed back to the wooden door , body feeling heavy , opening it and vanishing from such a hysterical environment. Melting within the cold shadows that the nagging brightness of the castle didn't exterminate. Vanilla shallowed , stiff , still replaying the cruel argument they just had inside his thoughts. Wide eyes , carefully dissecting his words , trying to figure what triggered such a fight. The game of chess was far more complex than expected. 

   Along the halls , lost within the depths of anger , Shadow milk was rushing towards his room . That same old room he ruined with such great pleasure. "How dares this bofoon shout at me ?! Me , the ultimate, marvelous, astonishing beast of deceit, to be insecure??! What a tomfoolery! How scandalous! And even if I was, how dares this fool to point it out!" He talks to himself , almost shouting. What a madman.

   "Where is the calm , sweet Pure Vanilla?? Hmm? ", his throat tightened , eyes going glassy ... " Oh I did it again didn't I?" Isn't this what he wanted from the start? To prove he's unlovable? Abandonment he wanted, now he got it . Why isn't he satisfied? Wasn't this the whole point? To take Pure vanilla down to his level? To drive him insane? To make him lose his whole saint-like-personality? To turn him into something oh-so miserable as Shadow milk?

    "Oh, I really doubted that I could ruin this pathetic fool , with all his truth and foolishness! How badly I had underestimated myself! " ... He swallows, such a quality comedy show. The best joke of all time-himself .

     But wasn't he a jester? Wasn't this what he was made for ? Wasn't this what he longed for so long? The emptiness of the tender silence echoed trough his thoughts. The silver lining of the pale moon lingered over his fair blue skin , white bangs resting onto his eyelashes . Blocking half of his vision, annoying, this will surely have consequences at some point...

   He closed his eyes , hearing the tiny creaks of the floor , the pinched voice of some servant yelling at another... He sat on the edge of the bed, exhaling a shaky and tired breath he didn't even know he was holding.

   He fluttered his eyes open, searching with his glaze for something , something he didn't even know he was missing. It felt empty, maybe it was because of the lack of luminosity surrounding his room. His breath rushing, each inhale aching further than the last one . He could feel tears forming in the corner of his eyes. So pathetic. 

  The pressure floods the room with agonizing clarity. Such dive punishment brought upon him. A tried huff . A broken almost laugh he attempted to lighten up the mood. Was he regretting it ? . He snaps his eyes open, focused, vision scattered , searching desperately with his gaze the pair of scissors from earlier. No where to be found, surprising, the same with any other sharp objects.

  That foolish Pure vanilla must put someone to take them while they were at dinner! How disgustingly kind! Why would he care about a jesters health!? Well , if he did before, he surely doesn't anymore.

    "No! That little posh gnat!!! What am I supposed to do now?!" , he laid back again, hopelessly, on the bed... He traced with his eyes the line of the darkest shadow . His wrist ached slightly, that wasn't so shocking. He rolled his sleeve up to take one more look at his unforgivable sin. White lines were scattered now across his forearm , replacing the pretty deep blue ones he did himself. They were already healed , perhaps there's no meaning in praying that they'll fade.

 That's...disappointing, madly disappointing. But he got used to it , his magic wasn't more powerful or effective either. This was only an old , insanely old habit, nothing more. He glared at the mirror besides his bed , what a marvelous sight.

      Maybe,he could sleep,that should fix it. He laid on his back , left foot slightly curled over his other one , forcing his eyes shut . A small, creeping, scandalous thought wanders his mind: "shatter it , break it to pieces . Then ,you wouldn't be forced to witness such a sorry sight..." . That felt like something he could do. His brain anyway has one of those marvelous abilities to get weirdly creative in need. A shattered mirror...

     May he could use the broken pieces to- no. He squeezed his eyes shut , hands dragging down on his face , curling on his side . He must get this blasphemy out of his head. He isn't a rabid beast ,he should be able to be rational.

   He glances at the blue silk curtains Vanilla brought just for him. An annoyed groan while he buried his face into the pillow . Sleep faster. Although his mind refused to obey , keeping him awake against his will , he was too tired to shout about it.

    Back in the kitchen, Vanilla's empty hand fell back down. Being unable to stop his counterpart , "Shadow milk, no!" He whispers more to himself than to the room. All the servants were staring at the unsettling scene. Some of them frowning , other left speechless by the audacity of the jester.

    Vanilla truly never shouted around them before. His breath stuttering , this was strange. "Thank you all for the effort, I'll head to my room now", he says softly, trying desperately to mask the discomfort in his hoarse voice. He gently opens the wooden door, hands slightly trembling as his throat got sore. It closes with a small , accidental thud.

    The orange glimmering light of the evening melted within the halls . Such a beautiful sight for sore eyes . The same old gold linings and painting he saw daily, getting bathed in the amber glaze of wilting life. He got tired of those, seeing his own face painted in such glory felt unfair, underserved for his newest state . They felt kind of taunting...

   The light followed his footsteps so compliant , truly the image of a saint . A saint who couldn't keep his thoughts to himself. This was a lesson, an important one , this is what he gets for triggering his counterpart's insecurities. Only if he knew Shadow milk's mind was such a minefield . He should've already guessed from the spire , this is the price of his ignorance.

    "How could I yell?" he muttered slowly, as if he was expecting an answer from higher above. "We were making such good progress..." his voice was small , almost muted, filling with resentment. It truly was a pity. Still, Shadow milk's reaction might have been slightly excessive...

    He headed towards his room , footsteps slower than usual. His mind kept on chewing their dialogue. He truly smiled then... What was wrong in his offer ? He walks past the room Shadow milk now lies still , his heart starts aching. Perfectly closed , perfectly sealed. Almost as if he wasn't even there , as if it was only an open door and nothing more . His hand almost reaches for it , trying to make up for their argument. Good thing he told that staff to lock away all the sharp objects while they were away...

  It would've been a waste, he needed time, there shouldn't be any rush. Silence engulfed the place completely, allowing his breath to be the only thing he could hear . The light in the halls slowly fades into the darkness of the night surrounding them. Candles beginning to melt into nothing, instantly ,on command.

     Pure vanilla continued down the path to the place he could finally drown in his slumber. Thinking of his soft , silk bedsheets he just got . Such a delicate sensation...

   He got to his room, finally, gently opening the door. The is the place where he always goes to sank his trouble away. It waited patiently for him , as always, like it had any other choice. His bed was untouched too ,luring him to already place his sorrow in it. Perfectly folded, in the light of his forever light up chandelier, as prodigious as ever, the satin night robes glisten, carefully placed on the edge of the bed .

    He slid into them , carefully. His body felt sore , although his presentable, clean ,soft unwavering look was present, wrapping him up into something pretty. With a flicker of his wrist, the light vanished. The healer slipped instantly inside his oh so welcoming bed , fluttering his eyes shut, allowing himself to be taken away.

  He was exhausted, as always. His stomach growled slightly again, he didn't have enough time for that , it would've been a shame to bother someone for something this futile. He tried to ignore it , it was such a familiar feeling, he should be able to. Sleep comes for him no long after, making his cruel thoughts fade away. The night is young, silence and darkness dominated the room . The soft drizzle of wind hums softly behind the stained glass windows. Illustrations of his primal glory ,now meaningless.

    Back in his newly designed room, Shadow milk didn't sleep well... Oh the witches, he barely even slept .Alone, all over again, in his room, dark shadows staining the stillness of the moment. His soft ,silk pillow looked tauntingly close, may he could- no. That's pathetic.

   The jester forced his eyes open although they felt as heavy as stone, control , always control... Well , this an interesting ending.

    Millions of thoughts rushing trough his mind, consuming the energy from him , leaving him hollow and hopeless. The room feels like it's flooding, with no way to breathe or scream. He takes a deep breath in, trying to ground himself, trying to fill the emptiness inside. His chest starts aching. Harder and harder after every breath, which one not enough to fill his starving lungs . His hands start shacking. He looks at them , speechless, the sight of his own pale blue fingers, covered in his skin , trembling, was terrifying. He can feel tears filling his eyes, a constant pressure in his head . His vision starts to blur. He only needs a glass of water. Right?

      He closes his eyes, forcing his breath to even out , sliding back inside the cool sheets. After some time, the so long waited blissful oblivion finally grabs him , sparing Shadow milk from his cruel thoughts, but, bringing within something worse . An unfair trade. A misty memory he whished he could've tear it apart.

    He's back again inside if the tree , he can sense that familiar feeling of hopelessness and despair clenching inside his chest. There's no way out, must he endure his loneliness once again? Forever and ever? Cause now death isn't there to save him, and he's forever made to endure and witness his own downfall and failure, with no way out. Absolutely, marvelously tragic, what a sob story.

Chapter Text

 The glamorous light engulfed the Vanilla Kingdom as the sun raised from it's slumber, bringing the cruel mockery of hope for a better day. Warmth touches Pure Vanilla's cheek , nagging his eyes to flutter open.

It felt blinding. He stares offended at the white ceiling, gaze following the small track of a crack in the paint . He tries to push himself upward using his elbows. It was luminous, far more luminous than expected, looks like he's not the early bird he thought he was. A faint dull pressure in his head bothers him , expected after such day as the previous one .

He yawns lazily, stretching his arms with a tired groan. He gets up slowly, walking towards the stained glass window window . It really was pretty. He looks outside , smiling as he saw one of his gardeners watering the roses .

Shoulders loosening a bit , he didn't even notice he was so tensed . Everything looks so still, so peaceful, as if yesterday didn't even happen, that's... pleasant.

The healer approaches the wooden garderobe, changing into a wonderful white cloak with golden ends and details. He liked the way light reflected on it , it felt nice...

After, he headed towards the door , taking one more look at his room . It wasn't quite neat , he never used to leave it in such state... Uncanny for his nature , it's not like he could do much about it anyway. Then a soft tap on his shoulder-

"Good morning sir!" A voice speaks.

Startled , Vanilla flinched and looked around his surrounding in a rush. Oh , and there she was...

So small he wouldn't have ever noticed, one of his servants, well , the child of one . "Oh ! There you are Vanilla extract cookie! I didn't see you !" He says softly , smiling gently, "Can I ask you something?", "Anytime sir! " , he could see the excitement in her pristine eyes, it all felt so innocent, so oblivious , naive even , he missed such states of being. 

"Can you please tell the castle's chef to prepare breakfast and put it on a tray ? I'll come get it right back after you finish! ", " Of course, Pure Vanilla cookie!". "Well that would be just wonderful! I have to go now , I must visit our newest guest, thank you for the effort." .

The healer waved at the kid, patting their head, continuing his new routine. He could get used to it , but it would be so selfish to...

He walks down the same halls as always, along the same paintings as always, followed by the same closed doors as always. He should feel grateful for such safety, for the privilege of having such repetitive life . Here it is . The door that keeps them apart, keeps the chaos sealed tight. Vanilla knocks softly , heart already in his throat.

"Can I come in?" He whispers carefully, eyes locked on the handle . "You asking that already means you will." the voice behind the door hisses .

The healer slowly opened the door, searching with his gaze. There he was , his dear guest, sitting on the bed, his dough was pale, frail looking , almost like on the edge of crumbling...

His hair messy and tangled, faint dark circles beneath his eyes, black smudged lines lingering down from the corner of his eyes-Was that eyeliner? Why is he even surprised...

The image didn't quite look like one of the most powerful beast's. It's not the wit he got so used to , that's slightly unsettling. Shadow milk looked at him with somewhat disgust and tiredness, rolling his eyes.

" I made breakfast. Want some? " Vanilla speaks softly , trying to keep his voice calm . "I doubt that ya cooked it." he mumbled , mostly to himself . "Don't need it . I'm convinced I have better things to do." . Vanilla frowned for a bit , half a second, nothing more , nothing less , almost imperceptible, almost . Not invisible for Shadow milk's trained eyes though.

" Well , I supposed you'd be at least a bit hungry. I mean, it's been a significant while since you last ate..." He swallows , clearing his throat. " Maybe, you could at least sit by my side. Wouldn't that be nice ? " . " Do I have a choice?" , "Yes of course, always-" , "Doesn't feel like it , Nills." . "Shadow milk, isolating yourself like this won't bring you any good. I won't force you , but please , eat something.". "Look who's talking! I don't think you have any right to tell me such things." He hisses , his eyes narrowing the moment they meet Vanilla's.

"I will do whatever I please, when I please. That's your penitence for destroying my fabulous Spire of Deceit.". "Blue bird, I hate to see you like this, and I know you do too. I can't just let you rot like this.".

He then proceedes to come closer to him , slowly , keeping his hands visible, as if he'd approach a hurt animal.

The jester found such comparation degrading, until he felt himself flinch the moment the healer reached out with his hand , trying to crawl away further using his arms .

His back hits the bed's headboard , causing him to let out a sharp exhale, his eyes widening. Vanilla's light makes him feel rather exposed , rather pinned down into place for the other to observe. Vanilla places a hand on his knee , warm , soft, non-threatening , supposed to bring closure.

He looks at the jester staring at him with a somewhat precaution, some what confusion. His whole body locking tense, breath turning slightly shallow. He could feel the other's arms wrapped around his body. Shadow milk tries to push him away, kicking his thigh with his leg .

Vanilla stiffened a bit , still , not releasing his counterpart. "Let me go you bastard!", he hissed as he tried to push him away once again. Pure vanilla does not waver, his hold warming the other's fragile dough. "Don't you dare!" The jester shouts as he realizes his arms are incapable to free him.

Such pointless act, pathetic, truly pathetic . He could feel tears forming in the corner of his eyes , "Have you never been hugged before, Blue bird?" , "Of course I did you fool! I'm not some antisocial freak!" , "Then why are you acting so terrified? Why are you shivering?" , "Because this is assault. Let. Go." the jester demands , glaring at the healer.

He wanted to slap him so much it hurts . "Shadow milk, I forgive you .", "Shut up. I don't need your forgiveness.", "I do .Really." He whisperes into the jester's ear. "Shut up." He snarles , a tint of distress in his voice . "You don't have to be lonely anymore, I'm here." Vanilla says softly. "Shut up before I make you do it." He shouts , trying once again to push Vanilla's body away. His arms still carefully warped around his frail body , around his forearms , stealing away Shadow's possibility of pushing him away.

" Let go! I don't even slightly need your forgiveness! You know absolutely nothing! I could've killed you and your oh so sweet band of incapable pests. And I don't think now it's too late either.". He could feel tears trying to escape his jagged composure, forcing his eyes shut, trying to postpone the humiliation.

One of them slips from the corner of his eye , lingering all the way down to his cheek. He bites the inside of it , muting that soft , pathetic, sound his throat always makes whenever he's at his most miserable point.

He could already feel jam on the side of his tongue. He opens his eyes, already swollen and red , his gaze meeting Vanilla's, trying very hard to remain focused. The healer noticed his tear , his eyes softening as the other looked down , avoiding them. His hold softened, allowing the other to break free if he whished to .

The jester shivers the moment he's been released , surprised how supported he's been by the ancient, his back and head hitting the headboard once again. He brings his hands closer to his chest, wiping away violently his tear stained cheek. He swallows, trying to hide the cracks in his voice. A soft muffled 'sorry' escapes his throat.

"You saw nothing." . A small, tender smile appears on Vanilla's face , nodding slowly , "It's okay." He whisperes , "Do not pity me." Shadow snarles , voice still hoarse. "I won't." he swallows "But , please talk to me . When you feel ready, of course." ,"It's fine." the jester says.

"The curtains are closed, the theaters empty , so why do you keep acting ?" . Shadow milk finally turned his head , looking the other in the eyes.

"Because I want to." a pause "And because that's all I do. When a person is punished for telling the truth, they start spreading lies. Ain't it simple?" Shadow milk finally whispers. "You don't have to anymore.", "On the witches! I wish it was this simple..." , "Oh ...You don't have to stop this suddenly, even small steps count .", "I don't want to change, I , unlike you , like myself. Very much indeed." .

" Good then !" Vanilla smiled slightly maliciously, " Then there would be absolutely no problem in getting you to eat something. Am I right?", "You're insanely stubborn about the wrong things." , "We can wait a bit more if you want, when you're ready. And , after, I thought that maybe we could buy you some new clothes. So you wouldn't wear my or your's old stuff." , "What a wonderful idea , Nills ! Why don't we go right now to the tailor? Wouldn't it be more efficient?" . Pure Vanilla could already sense him trying to avoid breakfast, or questions... He knows this feeling too well. "Why don't we head to the kitchen first? " .

Shadow milk got out of bed shakily and sat on the floor, leaning on the edge of the it. A deep sight tore him apart. Gaze searching for something within the walls. "No.. " he whispered so slowly that Vanilla could barely hear him . "Blue bird? Would you let me braid your hair?" He asked softly.

"Hmmm? Yeah sure. Do whatever you please" . Vanilla got closer to him , brushing his hair with his smooth hands then started braiding his hair carefully, strand of hair after strand of hair , humming softly a song that feels so familiar.

His powerful vanilla scent flooded the room, the feeling is almost intoxicating. Each deep breath of the jester's causing a small , faint stinging feeling deep inside his lungs . It tasted bitter on his tongue.

Somewhat addictive, somewhat pleasant, somewhat frustrating. He , surprisingly , finds it tolerable . Such simple thing , leaving him wanting more... What is this? It doesn't feel right... It's so serene, pristine, safe... Things Shadow isn't quite used to . He can't understand them , no matter how hard he may try... There's no rush of the stage ,no piercing eyes patiently and predatory waiting for his mistake, no blinding, flashing,breathtaking lights that made his head turn static , no mob ready to stab or burn him at stake or whatever the sick and twisted mind of a narcissistic being could comprehend as punishment for one who 'failed' them , yet it did not feel completely shallow.

That's something new. He could suddenly feel the fingertips of the other barely brushing his cheek , so apologetic, so gentle, almost as if not quite sure if such thing is forbidden or not. He feels his head slowly guided to his side , his jaw being cupped by the healer, making the jester's unfocused eyes meet his . He slightly flushed at the contact, his cheek warm against Vanilla's hand , causing the healer to smile faintly .

"Here you go Blue bird . You're ready! " He said gently as he lifts proudly the braided hair with his other hand so Shadow milk could see his 'art' . His eyes widening, he didn't think the healer would really do it this carefully. It looked so shinny , so soft ,so long...

"Oh ! I know what would complete the look perfectly!" Vanilla mumbles , mostly to himself rather than the other. Then , he proceedes to gently take a vanilla orchid from his pocket and place it behind Shadow milk's ear.

"You look so pretty." he whispered . Pretty? No one ever told him that before. His mouth sketches a smile. A real one. His cheeks flushing with a deep blue tint as Pure vanilla notices it and chuckles .

The jester gets struggling up, pushing himself upward with his arms, heading shakily towards the mirror.

His eyebrows narrowing as he sees his reflection. He looks at himself up and down, deeply disgusted. He almost gags for a second. How can he think this is pretty ? His eyes kept drifting towards the way his clothes hang loose on his body, at the dark lines lingering from the corner of his eyes , cheap eyeliner... at the blue stained sleeve .

For a second, he can't even think properly, his mouth forcing him to swallow his words. He presses his lips into a thin line ,"I thought you never lie , Nills. Turns out I was wrong." He sights . "I'm not. Yeah, you may look a bit tired and burned out , but your still beautiful ." , "There's nothing beautiful about me , inside or outside. I even find it quite offensive for you to even think of such blasphemy." . Vanilla sights "No matter how hard I try, I can't change your point of view, can I ? " . "I'm very stubborn indeed." Shadow milk knows it's all his fault for how he looks now therefore, he has no right to complain.

Vanilla reaches for his hand , softly holding it, the jester slightly frowns at the contact. "You may not trust it now , or ever . But , I'm not lying . You don't have to believe my words , but , please, don't deny them nor twist them into one of the lies it's easier for you to believe in.". The jester slowly nodded. He turned his head so he could look better at his counterpart, one mismatched eye glazing into the other.

Shadow milk isn't the type to give up on his intentions or beliefs. He's pretty much of a bullheaded soul but, he's clearly outnumbered by the healer . One way or another, Nills will get him to eat anyway, keeping in mind how bugging and annoying he can be .

"Hmmm...Shall we head towards the kitchen?" Shadow milk says with a tone of slight disgust in his voice and a clearly fake grin, the words sharp on his tongue. Suddenly, Vanilla eyes lighten up, sparkling with hope , a soft smile appears upon his face. He shines even brighter than before, at this point he should be a chandelier. Wouldn't that be fun.

"Yes ! Yes of course! The servants have already prepared everything! ", he grabs Shadow milk's hands without even giving him time to think and drags him excited down the halls of the castle .

Shadow milk was walking painfully slow, almost stumbling a few times on thin air, Vanilla, barely hiding his enthusiasm for getting things his way. He wished Shadow would walk by him instead of following him around like dog , but all that disturbed the quiet of the moment was a weary sigh.

When they reached the kitchen, the smell is the one hitting them first. The grand table is filled with delicious meals , prepared carefully for Pure vanilla and his oh-so precious guest. Shadow milk feels a twist in his stomach from the sight, fatigue engulfing him but , at the same time, almost causing him to drool.

That's a really weird reaction for something as little as food. How pathetic! Vanilla pulls out a chair for him waiting for him to sit down, then , one for himself.

Some jelly pasta is stuffed under Shadow milk's nose . He swallows forcefully. Vanilla observes his noticeable discomfort with tired eyes, gently reaching for his hand , placing it between his own "I'm not going to force you." He whisperes . Shadow milk's eyes widened " You already did.".

A deep sight comes out of his lungs . He picks up a fork and swirls it into the pasta . A moment of hesitation. Way longer than a just a few seconds.

He could feel the surrounding eyes targeting him, wonderful. He finally starts eating. A proud look is now lighting Vanilla's face up. To the surprise of Shadow milk,the food was tolerable.

"Oh but what of a cook you have here Nills! My, my ! Better than I expected... still, not enough to please my high standards. " , " Thank you, Blue bird! I really have one of the best cooks in Crispia . And , if you really enjoy it , how about you finishing it?" , "This offer will be un-kindly declined. I'm full." he says, glaring at him .

Then , he proceedes to get up, to run back towards his room, escape the eyes of others. His stomach growls loudly, loud enough to humiliate him, loud enough to be heard...

His pupils sharpen, grabbing his stomach with his hands, pressing his nails into his sleeves, as if trying to compress the already gone sound. His gaze was completely scattered , searching for the glares of everyone surrounding him. Vanilla notices , his eyes softening almost instantly. He gently grabs Shadow milk's wrist and pulls him back down slowly. "Looks like your body isn't full yet. A few more bites? Please?" .

Shadow milk's gaze lowers, facing the ground, struggling to regain his composure. "Has anyone ever toldk you before how annoying you are ? " He rolls his eyes and gives Pure vanilla an unimpressed look . " You really piss me off. You know?" . Vanilla let's out a bright smile.

"As I said, I'm very stubborn when needed.", "It isn't a need now ." , " Doesn't look like it" he chuckles. " Co'mon, finish your food. We need to hurry a bit if we want to get to the boutique!" , " My , my! So , the whole boutique story wasn't just to manipulate me! Oh , and when I thought I would get tricked again, by the all mighty trickster : Pure vanilla cookie! Am I not whorty enough for one of your sweet little lies?" , "How funny, Blue bird. How funny... But no , it wasn't a trick. You know I always keep my promises, but I'm not going to rush you. Take your time. A new outfit can wait." .

As much as Shadow milk would rather starve than please his other, some brand new pieces of clothing are tempting. He's now starring at the remains of food on his plate.

Considering his options. He stuffed the remaining food into his mouth, trying to not think much about it. "Finished.".

Vanilla's gaze fills with pride, a smile lights up his face . "Okay then ! We should hurry ! I have a pretty important meeting in the afternoon." , " Bo-ring! Nills , I couldn't care less about your political stuff! " , "Really? You looked pretty interested yesterday.", " Liar! I was just acting. To please you , you know?" , " Liar? I don't think I was the one lying in such situation." Vanilla mumbled slowly.

They walked down the halls together, chatting, until they reached the castle's gates .

"We're entering the Town square. Please, don't scare away the whole population." , "My, my ! Nilly ! Are you trying to tell me how to behave? Tsk tsk tsk ! And what are the others gonna say when they see their all mighty king , wandering around with the beast of deceit?? That's some pretty juicy gossip!" Shadow milk chuckled with sarcasm and a smirk .

" I suppose they'll get used to it ." Vanilla smiled . "Shut up now . Don't look at me with your dumb face like this ! " the jester grins once more. 

Chapter Text

Surprisingly, the walk through the Town square wasn't as annoying as Shadow milk thought it would be.

Sure ,he received a few weird looks , how could he not? Some cookies staring with fear at him , others giving judgemental looks at Pure vanilla, but , all of them were scattered away with just a horrifying grin from him .

Vanilla glances at him ,annoyed , his opinion about scaring others away was already shared but , he couldn't control Shadow milk.

"You're a lost cause , do you know that?" He chuckles after noticing that the jester was now directly staring at a little child who tried to reach Vanilla.

"Thanks Nilly! I know I'm lots of fun ! But you know, I'm doing you a favor!  Without me spreading those pests away, they would've jumped all on you, bugging you with their requests and praise ! It is way more peaceful now , isn't it ?" "Thanks , I suppose" he lets out a small annoyed huff ,

"Is really something ever peaceful with you?" He mumbles . "What Nills?" the jester tries to sound offended by the confession, "Don't ya enjoy my company? I could leave anytime ya know-" , the healer rolls his eyes. "It seems like you're good at emotional manipulation also..." , "I've got all the flavors on the menu , bastard. I'm offended you even thought I didn't. Emotional manipulation, lies , trickery, normal manipulation, that's my domain! Ever need some help with that- I'm your man! You're astonishingly uneducated, Nills." , "I'm sorry-" , "As you should be you idiot." he hisses.

Soon enough they reached the downtown street , the coquette and vintage boutique lays in front of their eyes. Vanilla suddenly stopped, looking obliviously at the jester.

"Shall we go in ?" he mumbled, "I don't know, let's just stare at it ! What do you think?!" Shadow milk says with a wicked grin , rolling his eyes dramatically.

They open the door , the soft ringing of the bell hung up on the door echoing trough the room . Shadow milk crossed his arms , looking judgementally all over the place . His eyes widening at the sight of the many fancy , carefully folded clothes.

"Wait! Wait! I'll come in a minute dear costumers!" A rushed voice shouts. Hurrying down the staircase, Mont Blanc  raises her gaze to meet Pure Vanilla's, and to be shocked by the incredible sight of his newest guest .

Shadow milk didn't even bother noticing her , his eyes where stolen by an incredible high quality astonishing costume.

"Oh ! Pure vanilla! Your majesty, what brings you here ?? And why's-", " Mont Blanc! Well my guest...-" he gently nudges Shadow milk's arm to grab his attention "- wanted a new look !" , "What? Oh yeah! What he said." the jester startles.

"Oh ! I see... So this is it ! I think I have the perfect stuff then ! " she giggles full of enthusiasm. 

They waited a while she searched between different robes and clothes until something looked right. She looked Shadow milk up and down, then nodded. He found her gaze quite invasive, too much staring for his like.

"Hmmm... This looks just right . Try it on!" She then excitedly handed him some carefully folded clothes, the jester's eyes narrowing at the sight . The outfit looked simple from the outside, almost quite boring for Shadow milk's refined taste. 

"I doubt this could work-" "Do you know how to do my own job better than me?" she raised her eyebrow, glaring at him. The moment his eyes met her gaze, he turned his head and rolled his eyes.

Vanilla was quite baffled by the sight, he had never seen Shadow get humbled by someone else . He went into the changing room , slightly frustrated, and shut the curtains.

After some time, he dramatically opens them, eyes glistening and already searching for his counterpart, clearly satisfied of the result. He walks out, Vanilla's gaze following him with admiration and Mont Blanc's one with pride.

The outfit drapes his body in quiet drama, soft ivory sleeves billow like whispers beneath a sharply structured black corset, its silver buttons catching the light like fleeting secrets. The high ruffled collar frames the neck with an almost regal restraint, while the vertical lines of the fabric draw the eye downward, lengthening, refining, transforming slenderness into something deliberate and striking.

"Don't I look marvelous, Nilly?? Everything for the handsomest, the most brilliant , astonishing cookie!" He mumbles more to himself, way too  preoccupied of his own reflection.

His eyes lingering on every single stitch, desperately searching for a mistake. It felt too pretty, too perfect, too well suited. It covered his thin frame perfectly, making it rather seem elegant rather then neglected.

The clothing also felt comfortable on his skin, not itching ,not demanding to be replaced, even quite the opposite. He wasn't quite sure he was allowed to keep it. It made him feel like himself, but at the same time so different.

"You sure like to praise yourself" Mont Blanc whisperers , disturbing his contemplation, her eyes inspecting her work. "But don't I deserve it ?" The jester smirked. His blue braided hair was shining so delicately in the light, the sparkles in it reflecting on the walls , embracing the room in a somewhat frail serenity.

His mismatched eyes were brighter than Vanilla had ever seen them before , his black and white lashes covering half of them. A smile was visible on his face , but , was it genuine? The vanilla orchid was allowing such a good contrast towards the azure. Vanilla smiled too , his gaze meeting Shadow milk's own .

How much he loves to see him like this. A bit arrogant, that's true, but also radiant.

"Nillyyyy!!! Earthbread to Nills!!! I am talking to you. Is this understandable for your little mind ? Hmm? What were you thinking about??"

"Oh nothing, Blue bird. Just... " He stopped, pressing his lips into a thin line. He just couldn't believe he was the same person as in the morning. The switch is too fast , too shallow.

"Hey Nillyy! Ignoring me ?" , "No ,no, I just got lost in thought for a bit... Anyway, you look great Blue bird! But , as I said, we really need to hurry, I have an important meeting today.", "Politics? Again?! Co'mon Nills, as I said, I'm not interested in your oh-so important meetings." he rolled his eyes, Pure vanilla nods ," I'll keep that in mind... Still, I can't just cancel a meeting, but , I won't force you to attend it , you are free to remain it the castle." he smiled quietly,then turned towards the designer.

"It's truly wonderful Mont Blanc, we're extremely grateful! How much is it ? " , "2.000 sugar cubes , 500 discount for my dearest costumer! " , "Oh but you didn't need to-" , " Oh yes she needed! Are you a fool?! Are 500 sugar cubes gonna rot inside your wallet???" Shadow milk interrupts sharply , piercing him with his gaze.

She looked quite intrigued at both of them ,not quite sure what was happening. They payed and then headed towards the castle. Walking down the same paths as before. Vanilla was truly enjoying himself, while the jester was truly losing his patience.

"Nilly, you're walking so slow I can feel my mortality fading away." the jester frowned. "Isn't this what you wanted...?!" Pure vanilla mumbled to himself, quite annoyed of his others theatrics. Shadow heard it , but tried to ignore it .

"Not all of us are floating , Blue bird." the healer said not too long  after , sighing. Shadow frowned and suddenly stoped walking, his gaze drifting away.

"You know what? Go to your council or whatever, I'm remaining here.", Vanilla's eyes widened , surprised by the request ,"What? Shadow milk what happened?" , "I wanna buy something.", "What? What do you want to buy? And do you even have money-", "Some cigarettes.".

The healer's face dropped, not sure if he should say something or not therefore, he pressed his lips into a thin line , swallowing his surprise.

"What, are you against it or something?", "No no no no- I just- I didn't know you smoke." he finally admits, voice hoarse , still baffled by such fact, "Well now you know. Don't tell me you never tried it-" , "Does chocking on smoke count?".

He looked at his counterpart for a while, astonished by his new discovery. "I don't think we have cigarettes in this part of the town square... Maybe try at the markets... But they must be expensive, I never bought such things, so can't quite know-" , "Alright Saint Vanilla, thank you for blessing my lungs. Which are immortal by the way. And , brag about your purity and stainless acts.", "When you want to return, just enter the castle. You're always welcomed there. And please, don't do anything stupid.", "Oh damn ,I wanted to smoke four cigarettes at once-" , "Shadow milk!" the healer snaps, "It's a joke, don't worry." .

He waved to the king with a proud huff , beginning to walk towards a shady looking store in hope for his wish's fulfilment.

Vanilla's eyes softened as he looked at him fading into the busy crowd. For a moment, he just hoped that this wasn't one of the things Shadow milk used to drown into or abuse in exchange for quiet relief. 'They're just cigarettes' he told himself. Though, he'd have never thought that the jester could be a smoker, it didn't quite fit him.

He continued his walk , still lost in though, passing by rushing villagers and noisy groups. When he reached the castle's gate , a middle aged woman frowned at him , he didn't pay much mind to it , although it stung, continuing his walk towards the council. Little does he know that the conference won't go as planned.

When he opens the large wooden doors , Vanilla is greeted by disappointed and gazes filled with rage. He occupies his seat , in the head of the table, carefully folding his hands as always, straightening his posture.

"I've heard you're having affairs with that disgusting beast of your's..." An old cranky voice mumbles.

"I beg your pardon?" , "Don't consider us as fools Pure vanilla cookie! If you want to brag about your success in battle and carry around a creature like ...him, at least have the decency to cage it." , " Yes , he's an threat extreme towards every single one of us." Vanilla's skin whiteness in shock.

"Everyone. I can assure you , Shadow milk is making great progress, you do not have to worry-", "Still with that redemption plan of yours?!", "He's a beast!", "Do you even have the necessary safety measures??!!" . Soon enough dozens of voices began yelling at him or around him or at his plan ,he wasn't even quite sure at that point.

"The situation is under control. No one will get hurt." , "But what if he's violent??!" . By now, Vanilla's heart was pounding heavily. He must say something, the mob needed reassurance, although he'd never apply such restrictions.

"He's weakened. His magic is still unstable, he won't hurt anyone, at least intentionally. But , in case of an emergency, we have a powerful army and locked doors. You all don't need to worry about it.".

"That monster should've been already imprisoned! ", "What about our children safety?!" , "What has our kingdom become?! A place for a beast's enrichment?! ", the unpleased crowd still shouting hysterically, mentally pinning Vanilla down. Stripping away his possibility of stating something rational.

Along the halls , Shadow milk was walking, freshly out of the markets, proudly holding a cigarette between his fingers , the warmth and smoke filling his lungs was familiar, comforting even.

His shoulders lowering as he's finally numbing his mind. Humming a song he didn't even quite know the lyrics of . He suddenly heard shouts , trying to pay no mind to them, but his curiosity taking over him, approaching the conference room. Vanilly has gotten in trouble ,perhaps.

"He's a beast, nothing more. You're supposed to make him meek, force him into compliance, friendship isn't a strategy." a voice echoed trough the halls. Make him 'meek'...?

The words stung sharply the jester's ego , such blasphemy! To make him obey as if he would've been nothing more than a filthy animal? As if he would've been one of those pitiful creatures you kick in the streets just because you can?!

His eyes narrowing, dropping the cigarette to the ground and stepping on it , clearly offended. For a moment,he couldn't even quite respond, he couldn't even think of a response.

He bit the inside of his cheeks as furry boiled within his veins. He could almost feel chains getting tied around his neck, he brings his hand towards it , making sure he's still free. His chest started throbbing painfully, a sharp pressure inside his head. To 'be forced into compliance'??

A bugging ringing started in his ears. He had been forced before, to serve earthbread , to listen and answer to anyone's crap ,to be contained beneath the roots of that damn tree- This wasn't happening, not again. Now or ever.

No.

No-no-no-no.

He could almost feel the cruel , agonizing, blinding pain of forks and chains crushing and tearing his frail body apart. He could almost hear again his screams as pain flashed his vision white and his consciousness was trying to crawl away from his own body .

He must cling to the last straw of dignity he has left , he'll never obey anyone , never again.

Fury flushed trough his mind , aching deeper within his flesh, causing him to grind his teeth. He's had enough of such fads and arrogance.

He clenched his fists, scarcely trying to focus, he inhaled once and his magic spread on the ground like poison. Contaminating everything within it's touch, embracing the room in a mess of pitch black and broken star powder, smelling faintly alike to smoke. He forced the door open , slamming it hard enough for it to echo far along the castle's walls. 

"You know what they say- Speaking of wolf!" he hissed as the dark fog melted in his presence, revealing his face. Gasps and screams fill the room, for a moment after, everyone could barely breathe.

"Wanting me so bad ? Here I am ! The most horrific, terrible, reckless, insane beast you have ever encountered! The most extreme threat towards your pathetic Kingdom! In desperate need for chains and swords! How amusing it is to see you all tremble against my presence. How does it feel to be inferior, hmmm???".

His entrance was finished,now, although it was nothing more then a fleeting moment of horror for the others , to him it was already over, it's time for the entertaining end. His magic retreating as fast as he vanishes into ashes, not a single tray of it or him left left.

Silence sealing heavy and tight the room after his little outburst finished. Vanilla's eyes were wide , a tear lingering on his cheek, unsure of what just happened. It didn't take much until he heard whispers about an execution, that's when he realized his counterpart's life was at stake. He got up from his chair shakily, clearly unsettled by the newest event.

He apologized , as always, and ran to go looking for Shadow milk. The halls seemed slightly stained by ash , that could've been a track .

He reached his room , noticing it was creaked open. In front of him , Shadow milk was pacing the room, mumbling to himself.

One hand tightly wrapped around his chest , the other slowly hitting his forehead with his fist , over and over again, not enough to cause real damage, but enough to bruise if repeated .

The healer freezed at the sight , his hand instinctively reaching out to stop his counterpart from harming himself. The jester suddenly stopped , looking at the other with fear carved into his wide eyes.

"No-" he whispered, voice trembling. Vanilla took a step further, carefully not to scare him, left arm stretched out, ready to hold him, the other backed away , almost stumbling.

"So... You really did came..." The jester muttered, voice cracking under pressure, he swallowed hard once , closing his eyes, a small tear slipping out, "-Came to 'force me into compliance' ?!" he hissed.

"Blue bird no-never-","What are those safety measures you're talking about, hmm?" , "Blue... I said it just so they wouldn't panic-", "'Chains and locked doors' an angry mob's favorite!"-"I have no intention in locking, changing or chaining you if you don't-", "If I what?? Stop acting mindfully? Shattering the illusion that you can keep me tame? Start enjoying myself recklessly? If I what?!" .

"I did not meant it that way-", "Well then great phrasing of words!", "Shadow milk." the healer said , the words dipped into a demanding , firm tone , echoing trough the room.

It caused the jester to shiver , his skin crawling. His hands started shaking, enough for the healer to notice, enough for him to already come closer.

Shadow milk's gaze was unfocussed, wild magic pulsing through his veins , his hand clawing at the other tightly , small droplets of jam dripping to the floor and staining his white blouse. Vanilla gasps the moment he saw it .

"Blue bird, please, let your other arm free, please, it's not worth it to ruin such a pretty shirt, right?".

He shook his head , clearly denying the fact. Vanilla was closer to him, much closer, each step further carefully calculated. Shadow milk didn't move anymore, his claws still cruel towards his other arm , panting. When the healer reached him ,he placed a hand on top of his hand .

"Alright, okay- breathe... I'm going to help you stop this, alright? Then, I'll heal you- tell me if it hurts-" he said as he wrapped carefully with his fingers his counterpart's wrist, trying to gently pull it away from piercing skin.

The jester flinched, and when he felt the pressure and pain from his now injured arm fade, his wrist being thoughtfully held by the other's warm ones , he gasped.

"Do not touch me." A sharp inhale as he broke his hand free from the hold "You truly are pathetic. Utterly pathetic. Idiotic even!" he snarled sharply, voice dripping with venom, "You and your kingdom. Why did I even accepted to come here?!",

"Because you didn't enjoy loneliness as much as you pretend you do.", "Here we are , with the same bullshit all over again! It never gets old to ya does it?! Oh and when I was having fun!" , "Shadow milk ,I only wanted you to be happy here-" , "Well surprise-surprise! I'm not. And I'll never be. Not without my souljam!" he hissed.

"Oh this was a mistake. A horrible one even. All of it , nothing else than a mere foolish mistake." he laughed, Vanilla's eyes widening.

"Well, I guess it's time to make it right!" venomous excitement dripping from his voice as his sleeve stained further with that same old deep blue color he knew too well. Vanilla tried to grab his arm, holding it firmly yet careful not to hurt him.

"Shadow milk. You're not thinking straight, you're bleeding. Please, wait just a bit." worry dipping his words one by one. The beast tried to push him away, the healer's grip unwavering.

A smile carved into his face, sharp at the edges "Don't miss me Nills. I wouldn't if I was in your place" he said joyfully. Vanilla couldn't quite understand the expression in his wide, sharp eyes ,dread and quiet panic starting to creep in , tightening his grip .

Their mismatched eyes locked , the healer's milky ones searching his counterpart's face for at least a trace of predictability. The jester took one final look at the worried face of his counterpart, he liked the way his brows narrow and eyes widen in concern, it made him feel as if someone would've really cared. His expression softened, the manic rush almost fading.

"Blue bird, what do you mean by that?? C'mon, let me clean your wounds." he tried to coax him, "No ,Nilla. I'm doing you a favor." he smiled , voice genuine, terrifyingly genuine.

"What?! Blue bird, what does that mean?" his voice came out wrong, too recked to sound calm . Shadow milk closed his eyes, his shoulders dropping, giving in to the way his wrist was held , letting out a sharp exhale. "Goodbye Nills." he whispered , voice weak.

His whole body slowly crumbling into pitch black ashes, fading into smoke as Pure Vanilla tried to grab him. The pale yellow orchid from behind his ear falling to the ground, stained and withered . 

For a moment, silence laid upon the room , the healer unable to process what just happened.

"Blue bird?!? Are you here?!?" He shouted into the dead empty room ,his echo being the only answer he received. 'Was he dead...?' , the only thought wandering though his mind, swirling and looping, giving him no time to rest. So suddenly ,so fast, so ominous .

A suffocating smell of coal hang into the air , stinging inside Vanilla's lungs . He dropped to his knees, picking up the ruined flower and pressing it to his chest. His heart sank in sorrow as he tried to inhale once more , the air burning inside him leaving a bitter taste on his tongue. A tear slipping from the corner of his eye as he saw dark ,dried droplets of jam on the floor. 

He knew Shadow milk wasn't completely sick in the head ,why would he do such thing? Was this it? What kind of favor was this ? What kind of sick and twisted favor was this?!?

Chapter Text

It's been a while ,a while since his body crumbled to ashes in front of his other half. A while since he heard a whole mob begging for his death , truly a record.

Days passed by him , he couldn't remember clearly most of it, it felt like it didn't even happen to him. At least he's aware that his pack of cigarettes finished, truly a pity.

He closed his eyes, trying to recall the place from where he bought them , letting out an annoyed groan as his plan wouldn't work . He raised his gaze , Shadow milk wasn't even quite sure where he was now . The chilly wet grass brushing his palms, and- his thighs-?

His body was sore , bone deep exhausted, his wrists embraced by a dull pressure, a tightening ache. He tried to push himself upward, his vision swimming, a faint ringing inside his ears.

A shiver went down his spine as he fell back to the ground. It took him quite a while to realize he was buried deep within the forest near the Vanilla Kingdom. He blinked once , twice , mouth slightly open as he tried to logically place the course of his actions.

The pain in his wrists grew deeper, sharper-he got into a steadier sitting, his mind poking and bugging him to check for the cause of this unpleasant sensation. He raised his arm , already rolling up his sleeve. A blue stained bandage wrapping his forearm- his eyes widening as the mental jigsaw puzzle fell in to place. He gasped as he tried to peak trough the way too loose bondage. He inhaled sharply as he slowly peeled off the hurried, so wrong bandage.

The pain started throbbing as every single inch of skin got revealed, dark blue lines covering his arm until his elbow, a chaotic, repetitive and agonizing pattern, faint dried jam lingered from the edges of each. So this-had been his occupation. He traced each with his fingers gently, brushing over raw , mutilated skin , healed, old and fresh wounds all blurring into a unrecognizable section of flesh. He pressed on the deeper one of them firmly, pain stabbing his whole arm instantly, creating a pulsating like feeling.

His finger couldn't stop lingering on the sore spot, over and over again. Each time the pain got him back to his senses, forcing his body to remain aware as fatigue washed over him.

So , this was the cause of his 'amnesia'-blood loss. Truly shocking. He wrapped his wounds with the stained fabric once again as that same cut he kept playing with reopened , an almost burning sensation hit him , his vision blacking as he could feel jam dripping once again, tears forming from the corner of his eyes.

How pitiful, how desperate must he have been for carving such wounds into his body , a truly pathetic sight. He finished biding his forearm, much tighter than before , shakily exhaling.

One more to go- he couldn't. He didn't want such sight laying before his eyes, not as shame and disgust kept creeping down his spine. Still, he needed it properly wrapped, he couldn't risk complications right now , wearing stained bandages was already enough.

His freshly bonded hand was shaking , he forced it to a fist , trying to keep it still as he breathed heavily. If Vanilla would've been here , he would've surely pissed him off about healing his injuries, changing the bandage into a cleaner one , trying to coax him into eating something.

Shadow milk hated that his mind still wondered about his counterpart, clearly against his will. It was better like this , much better. He tried to quickly peel his other arm with a shaking hand , trying to ignore the other wounds, but he couldn't help but notice that they were far more rough than on the other one, repeated countless times over only some spots.

Jam still dripping from it , a droplet falling down to the ground. He lowered his gaze only for his eyes to widen in horror. The grass was stained by a puddle of deep blue right where rested his hand during the night , his palms , the same color. He couldn't even remember where he got the previous fabric from, and he's surely unable to bind his wounds with a piece of cloth still so damp a filthy, adrenaline rushing trough him.

He didn't have anything, absolutely anything that could work. He'll have to leave this place , as fast as possible. He tied his arm with the old fabric, much tighter than the first one, he had to stop the blood flow. Well , at least that was what he thought it must be done. 

He tried to get up slowly, his head still pounding. His feet dragging each other as he tried to remain conscious, cursing his situation while mumbling. Each step felt like it was tearing his remaining energy to shreds , his arms feeling heavy and limp at his sides , throbbing painfully. He hated how he could feel and place every single cut so accurately, each one adding weight to his guilt . 

His legs started shaking along with his hands ,pain washing over him . For quite a moment , he thought he'll lose his composure. He raised his gaze to meet a sign, "Crow's nest inn..." he mumbled to himself, voice hoarse, barely above a whisper.

His throat was sore , perhaps from the jagged sobs that torn his lungs apart the previous night. Finally, a memory clear enough to place. Well , it looks like yesterday wasn't exactly moderated. He looks at his wrists once again, swallowing hardly. Well , that was really- inconvenient . He headed towards the advertised building, too tired to change his appearance.

The bell rang as he opened the door with his remaining strength. The sound echoed trough his mind, causing his head to ache deeper. The man behind the counter smiled , that same old professional smile everyone carries when they notice a potential costumer . "Good evening!" the man's voice was filled with enthusiasm, nauseating for Shadow milk's mood.  

Evening ?... 

He nodded slowly , his lips parting but not a single sounds got through, . The receptionist's expression changes, slightly frowning as he tried to figure him out.

"Oh-oh excuse me. I should've noticed... are you mute, sir??" he tried to soften the situation, still unsure of his statement. The jester's eyes widen in surprise, shacking his head in disagreement before swallowing.

"No-no I was just- lost in thought. Do you perhaps own a room I could borrow for the night?" he smiled, sharply, a tint of mockery hidden in his grin . It was a weird sight, uncanny for the poor man. He couldn't help but notice his costumer's posh looking clothes, not an everyday's view surely. In spite of his arrogant and distant nature ,he seemed quite alluring.

The man who stood in front of him didn't appear as a wretch belonging on the streets, but something was off . The jester payed for a decent priced room , not really his* style, but he was quite in a rush . The man swallowed as he saw how cold the jester acted, his eyes widening as he saw the bandages wrapping his costumer's wrist.

He raised his gaze , looking Shadow in the eyes, noticing the dried dark blue that lingered on the shoulder of his blouse . "Don't you know it's impolite to stare?" the jester snarled, already turning away. "Sir ,are you alright?", "Better than ever." he mumbled, not facing the worker. 

The halls were considerably shorter than the castle's ones , wooden walls covered with paintings of several crows and people he didn't recognize. The light carefully stroking each , the sunset was near , a perfect view... He opened his room slowly, looking carefully inside , assuring he was alone.

He closed the door behind himself, slowly sliding down, resting his back against it. A groan escaped his lips as his wrists started throbbing once again, his feet were sore. He tilted his head , bringing his knees to his chest as the pain deepened inside him. Truly a pity. He brought himself some new bandages from an aid kit he found scattered somewhere inside the bathroom.

With weak fingers he undone the bandages, throwing away the used gauze . He closed his eyes as he felt the pressure pinning his wrists fade , he didn't want to open his eyes , again* , he already knew the sight awaiting him . Maybe, he could keep them shut , at least for a while , at least while the kingdom was quiet , while his thoughts were still silenced by the inevitable dread of pain , as his body was limp, already unwilling to move , his arms bare , the proof of his recklessness carved into his flesh .

Sculpted with thin or large , intentionally placed cuts all over . It was quite a risk -he knew it , but how blissful unconsciousness felt now, how tempting. He exhaled, the air stinging sharply inside his lungs , opening his eyes , his vision darkening. It was too much of an effort to keep them open , too exhausting. At least for a while, a small while-he deserves it. It's his right .

He fluttered his eyes shut , sliding down to the ground, curling around himself, pressing his hands close to his chest. He could feel his awareness fading away , sounds surrounding him fading into an indecipherable syphomy. The ache in his body dulled out , the ground dissolving under him, his limbs turning limp. Maybe, this was when he'll truly meet his peace, even if for only a little. 

The window was left wide open , a cold breeze washing over his unconscious body, a strand of hair falling over his face.

A truly uncanny sight. How pitiful must it have looked, a beast laying on the floor, drowned in the same pain it caused itself, regret carved deeply into it's face , stained by deep blue freckles. It's skin gone pale , cracked , dry lips being present, parted just enough to reveal a small , front gap, a childish mark ruining his face.

Silk bangs dusted . Filth , that is all he was, misery brought upon the world disguised as a God , bluffing. Silence wrapped itself around the room tightly as small droplets of jam begin to linger once again from the still fresh wounds. Blue settling through the white cloth of his blouse. Only the ticking of the clock was able to be heard, echoing through the almost empty room . 

... 

What a sight was awaiting him once he'd open his eyes.

A soft knock on the door did the job . Suddenly,he could hear everything once again , his consciousness snapping right back , forcing him to acknowledge his state. His eyes opened almost instantly as he felt the door behind being pushed against him . He left it unlocked, perhaps.

"Hello , is anyone here?" A voice spoke , concern soaking it's words. The woman gasped as she saw the jester laying on the floor.

"Couldn't you see it's occupied? You people have absolutely no respect for boundaries,do ya? " He snarled, rolling on his back and covering his face with his palm. Kicking the door closed with his foot , sealing it shut.

"Oh good lord, I-I thought-" the voice stumbled "I didn't know-". He could hear her footsteps furthering away, heading somewhere else , but she stopped for a moment.

"Are you alright, sir? " the voice said, quite firm. Shadow milk looked around himself, his head was still throbbing, he felt almost nauseous. He swallowed, trying to fix his voice "Better than ever. Now, shoo." , "You don't seem fine." she mumbled annoyed.

The jester tried to get up despite his vision swimming , a sharp ringing in his ears . He opened the door slightly, gazing with disgust over the woman that kept on bugging him. Her eyes widen , something he believed was pity washed over her face. Her brows narrowing as she noticed the deep blue stains on the other's clothes.

"See? Good as new." , "You- you look familiar" she swallowed "aren't you Pure Vanilla's beast?" . The jester felt his stomach fold at the sound of his counterpart's name .

"Such insults in the damn morning. You people have no shame. I'm not *his beast, I'm a beast. It's simple as that." He tried to act offended, almost shutting the door , "It's afternoon." the woman stated . "What? And who the hell are you?" He hissed , hand tightening on the doorknob, genuinely wishing for the conversation to end.

"Black Raisin. The owner of this place." . Shadow bit the inside of his cheeks, closing his eyes for a short while , of course it was her. "You seem- pretty much troubled , don't you?" , "Nope ,of course not. Now ,if you excuse me , I'd like a drink, I payed for it after all-" , "Yeah, well you barely stand, I think you're better off sober for now.", "I barely know you. Get out of my room." he whined , rolling his eyes.

There's a moment of hesitation between both of them. Her eyes piercing through him. "He's worried sick." , "Who?" , "Pure Vanilla." , "I go missing for what- a week? And now he's getting worried?!", "He made me look for you like a desperate." , "Truly blunt aren't we?" He laughed, her eyes furrowing.

"I'm going to tell him that you're here.", "Yeah ,sure ,go lose a great company and costumer. " he said as he closed the door shut .

Silence was left between them as the woman walked away. He opened the door slowly, peeking through the small creak to see if she left. He couldn't hear her footsteps anymore, she should've been gone . Thank the witches above. He got out of the room , careful to not make any noise.

He walked through the wooden halls , heading towards the bar . The place looked modest , polished tables and a nice bartender. Nothing too classy , just the smell of pine and expensive wine . He almost felt excited to try , irritation crawling up his spine as he remembered the marvelous pleasure of having a new pack of fine cigarettes.

He was immortal anyway, if he was supposed to live , he'll live as he desires. He sat at the counter, looking around for the one who was supposed to serve him . The dozens of options pridefuly placed on the shelves sent a shiver of thrill trough his mind. This was going to be entertaining.

The bartender looked at him , he was used to seeing people at their lowest ,but this one really captivated his attention. Such perfectly tailored clothing stained by dirt and jam , a refined tint in his presence, his luxurious long hair slightly messy and curled , dusted white bangs covering his piecing blue eyes .

"Good evening Sir , what can I get you?". Shadow milk thought for a second , impatient to see how further he could push this, he aimed for a delightful start. His eyes lingering upon each bottle , searching for something that could fulfill his wishes.

"Tell me what ya got! Go on , surprise me-" , "Well-", "You know what? I'm starting with a prosecco!" . The man nodded, handing him the glass filled with the asked drink . His eyes widen,lips curling into an mischievous wine as he raised the glass , looking at the glimmering,soft rosé liquid. It was truly captivating, the soft white foam forming at the top looked so pristine inside the glass .

He took a small sip, clearly pleased by the taste, mimicking the gesture of a toast towards the man . "Cheers!" he grinned wildly. Something about him unsettled the bartender.

"So , who are you drinking for?", "A fun question indeed! Why would I drink for someone?" , "You just chugged down a glass of prosecco, without savouring it. This isn't the usual behavior for a celebration." , "Oh but how observing you are! I'm just ,you know- saving time. What else do you have?" he asked cheerful, that grin never disappearing off his face, the words hit in an almost taunting manner .

  A few drinks later , his mind already started to fog , his manic cover started crippling away. The man looked at him with somewhat pity as he noticed the true intention of the jester.

"You're not here for a celebration,are you?", "Of course not! What idiot drinks six glasses of wine out of happiness?" he snarled. The man wasn't quite shocked, he surely didn't expect such answer, half an hour ago it would've surely been completely different.

"He's so damn annoying." the jester finally said. "I goddamn hate him. His mismatched eyes, his damn kingdom, his crooked smile , his blonde hair. He's a damn bastard.",

"Really?",

"Of course! He's so damn selfish, a whole damn kingdom has HIS name. I can see why it's so pathetic though.", "He truly seems like a posh , doesn't he?", "It's all just a fad! And on the damn witches, he's so damn selfless it makes me puke. Like- where's the fun in that??", the man raised his eyebrow, gazing at Shadow.

"You're mad at him for being selfless?" , "Oh YES! I mean ,not only that- but he dares to say he forgives me , after he ruined MY house, MY plans , in MY domain. Shouldn't I be the one to forgive him?!",

"What was your plan?" , "Filling the world with deceit until it's nothing more than a mere web of lies but- That's besides the point. He's an idiot nevertheless." . The man smiled a little, looking at his costumer , "What you're staring at?" , "You don't seem to despise him that much." , "If you psychoanalize me I'm going to pop your little head out ." , "I'm not.". The jester sighed , rolling his eyes then placing his chin over his crossed arms on the counter.

A sharp bolt of pain went through him as pressured appeared on his wounds. He gasped.

"You know what, just kill me at this point." , "Therefore ,whiskey?" , "Sure.".

He picked the glass , chugging it down in one sip ,the alcohol burning his throat. He coughed for a bit , it was an unexpected hit.

"And here goes my sobriety. Truly marvelous." , "You seem down." the man said with a small understanding smile, "I'm soon enough the most wanted person here, and not in the good way, how do ya think I'm doing??" , "What could you have possibly done-" , "A lot.", "What about the guy you talked about? The 'idiot'?" , "Nills?", "You know his name ,not me-" , "I think I need one more glass to talk about him- give me the whole bottle already. " He said , closing his eyes.

Nothing really made sense for him now , the world felt like it was spinning, his head aching once again. He couldn't think straight. "It was supposed to be fun..." he muttered into the sleeve of his blouse, already starting to feel nauseous. " What?" The man asked, looking at the jester.

Shadow milk couldn't raise his gaze , shame whispering into his ear, crawling under his skin, " All this. It's not supposed to be like that. A favor- on the damn witches, who says that?" he mumbled, turning his head to the side . The entrance door open slowly, scrapping along the old wood , He heard footsteps approaching at familiar slow pace . He didn't think much about it until-

"Blue bird?".

No ,no ,no- damn no. It was the same voice,the same cursed nickname. His day couldn't be better.

He lifted his head , searching with a glare for the blond. "Look who decided to show up." he hissed trying to get up, the world tilting with him , unable to keep himself straight. A sharp ringing inside his ears appeared as he got up from his seat.

Vanilla approached him gently, calculating each step. Afraid not to scare him. His mind screamed, unable to keep his focus, colors blending one into each other . His eyes were wide, panting, his legs shaking as if the ground beneath him was fading . He reached for the table near him as support as he closed his eyes, breathing heavily.

Without even noticing, his counterpart's arms were wrapped around him tight, supporting his weight. He exhaled shakily, , trying to gain composure, small dots flooding his vision, he could barely feel anything.

"It's okay, Blue bird." the healer said, running his hand trough his other's hair at a calming pace . Shadow milk could feel tears forming in the corners of his eyes as he struggled to remain conscious. His counterpart's warmth felt odd compared to his freezing,thin frame.

He tried to push him aside ,but Vanilla's grip was unwavering. His whole body felt suddenly heavy, causing him close his eyes and lean in. Awareness melting away in front of the king, pathetic. His thoughts slowing down as he passed out.

Vanilla gasped as he realized the situation they were in. Dread creeping under his skin as he adjusted his grip on his other's body , he noticed the bare wounds . He sighed, already considering if he should heal them or not.

The moment he noticed his left hand ,his mouth opened but not a single sound escaped his throat. It looked so painful, so repetitive, he was sure that if he stared at it long enough he could understand the pattern.

He looked at the jester's face , so pale , so pristine , veins visible under the frail skin beneath his eyes, the same old mole on his chin , his soft lips now ripped and scarred. He couldn't help but take notice of the serenity of his expression, free of pain and worry, freezed in time. He took hold of his hand , it didn't even feel alive ,as cold as if it belonged to a corpse sucked of life until the very end.

He carried the light body of his counterpart's, carefully not to shake ,he knew what an alcohol overdose could do. Shadow milk's head leaned on his chest, coughing slightly. Vanilla could see how dirty his clothes were , stained with so much jam and dust.

A miracle was needed for such injuries to heal in such conditions. He searched with his gaze an answer over the unconscious body , seeking a meaning for all this suffering. It was unfair, truly unfair. For a moment,he couldn't comprehend how so many wished the one inside his arms dead. His steps grew heavier, more calculated as he approached the castle's gates, moonlight washing over their skin. 

 He reached his room , carefully placing the wounded one on his bed, covering his body with a blanket. Vanilla brought some new bandages and sanitizer from his drawer , carefully, rolling up the jester's sleeve with his soft fingers. Shadow milk let out a small whine as he felt the movement that leaved his forearms unguarded.

The healer's expression changed immediately, gasping as he saw the damage carved into his other's body. Older and fresh scars , wounds flooding the pale skin , all following the same agonizing pattern. He felt sorry for even touching the wounds , but his fingers couldn't help but trace each.

He started gently cleaning them , the jester slightly frowned at the contact but, he continued. After he was done , he carefully binded each arm , not tight enough to hurt ,but enough to annoy and limit someone's movement.

He noticed the pierced skin on his shoulder,the same wound from that night. It healed so wrong, so painfully. He wrapped his hands around it , whispering a healing spell , hoping to ease the mark .

He couldn't let his guest rest in such filthy clothes, but that felt too inappropriate for their current status. He closed the curtains, blowing away the candle near the bedside table. He'll know what to do about it better another day if Shadow milk doesn't wake.

He climbed on the bed , resting next to the sleeping body . He could feel the other's heartbeat, such a fragile rhythm, he looked at the way his chest rose and caved , it felt like a forbidden view. 

Darkness,all consuming darkness looming over him once again. He fluttered his eyes open,the absence of his self inflicted pain was threatening.

The ceiling was white ,too white for that rustic inn. He could feel his hand pressing on his chest , trying to steady itself into existence.

He looked around,the same old beige , waffle like decor flooding the room . He didn't want to know what happened, what made him return. He felt cold ,a shiver shaking trough his spine . There wasn't the usual scent of his cologne or dirt from his clothes. He looked over his body , a blanket placed carefully over his trembling,thin body.

A tall ,blond figure appeared before him ,those same old milky eyes he had always despised . Pure Vanilla. How much he wished he would've been thrown in a ditch after a night like yesterday instead.

"How are you feeling Blue bird?? Any better?" The king spoke . Shadow milk wanted to speak,but his mouth wouldn't help , not a single sound escaping his throat.

He looked at his wrists , seeing them completely cleaned and wrapped tightly , surely not an amateur's work . His whole left arm was wrapped, embracing the wound he did with his own claws also . He could feel his stomach twist .

The hatred for the small ,unconscious moment of vulnerability grew burning along his spine. It felt as if it was a violation, someone removing the something that wasn't supposed to be removed. He tried to get up using his arms ,his head throbbed and his vision darkened.

"What the hell-" he hissed as the soreness in his body grew further. His breath hitched as he noticed his clothes being replaced with one of Vanilla's old robes. ''You sick bastard-" , "I thought that might be your reaction. I'm truly sorry, but I needed to mend your wounds-" , "No,no you didn't." He laughed slightly , his eyes locking with the the ancient's , searching for some leverage, anything that made sense.

He couldn't believe what he just heard. "You were unconscious for a while... I really got worried, and I couldn't let your injuries get infected. You literally let them bare while your blouse was literally soaked in jam and sweat. I won't apologize for not letting you hurt yourself." the healer said, his voice calm , almost tender but firm , "I don't need your damn pity. How long? How long was I gone??" , "Two days." ,

"What? This your doing isn't it?! You insane creep! Oh good lord I thought I was the mad-" , "You passed out from an alcohol overdose. In my* arms. Sounds familiar? What was I supposed to do? Let you there and wait till the maggots devour you?", "Sensitive spot?" .

They both looked at each other , to soft sound of rain hitting the stained glass of Vanilla's room being the only one present. Pure Vanilla looked at him for a bit,he could feel the panic in his gazed wrapped by pain, he knew the jester just felt vulnerable, therefore ,he decided to sharpen his teeth and tongue. He couldn't blame him , for someone as control obsessed as him, waking up stripped of it , feeling caged is- inconvenient. He swallowed, trying to fix his voice .

"No. But ,once you're doing better, you can leave. This isn't a place to contain you. The exit is and always will be possible. The fact that I enjoy your company and wish you by my side is a complete different story .". Shadow milk's eyes widen. He knew it already , Nills has always been sure to make that clear .

But , where else could he go? It's not like his oh so precious spire was still intact, the last time he saw it ,it was pretty much laying in crumbles.

This small little question was the one splitting his his head now , taking away his peace.

Chapter Text

I'm genuinely sorry guys , unfortunately , chapter 6 migth be posted way later than i orriginally expected . I apologize for the inconvinience but i lost all my drafts including chapter 6 completely , at least for a while on. I will contiue the fic but i need to write it all over again , please bear with me . Anyways , wish you all a good day/night <3 , the update is expected on the next saturday though :3