Chapter Text
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♥ John Egbert is in a relationship with John’s Ghost and It’s Complicated
> Dave: congrats on getting hitched bro.
> Karkat: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. EGBERT, YOU HAVE ASCENDED TO ENTIRELY NEW LEVELS OF GUT-PUKINGLY POINTLESS INANITY. YOU ARE SCALING THE RUNGS OF THE METAPHORICAL LADDER OF DOOFUSDOM SO RAPIDLY YOU HAVE LEFT THE LADDER ALL TOGETHER AND ARE ZIPPING THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE LIKE A PARTICULARLY OBNOXIOUS BLUE CHEEPBEAST.
> Karkat: IT’S BAD ENOUGH YOU CREATED THAT RIDICULOUS PRANK ACCOUNT WHICH IS APPARENTLY FUNNY IN SOME WAY ENTIRELY BEYOND THE WIGGLING GRASP OF MY STRAINED COMPREHENSION FEELERS; WHY WOULD YOU MAKE EVERYTHING A NEW DIMENSION OF TERRIBLE BY ENGAGING IN SOME SORT OF PSEUDO-HUMAN-INTERNET-COURTSHIP DISPLAY WITH YOUR FAKE-DEAD-SELF?
> Dave: hes on troll facebook karkat obviously this is a pseudo trollian internet courtship display come on keep up we have standards to meet here
> Dave: btw john i think troll displays are the ones where you have to bash horns together and then stick your head in a pail and vomit grubs
> Dave: or do quadrants work different online
> Karkat: YOU HAVE ACTUALLY RENDERED ME SPEECHLESS, STRIDER, CONGRATULATIONS. YOU MAY EVEN SURPASS EGBERT IN SHEER THINKSPONGE-SHREDDING AWFULNESS. THEY SHOULD PROBABLY CREATE A SPECIAL AWARD JUST FOR YOU. IT CAN BE CALLED THE OBNOXIOUS BASTARD IN SHADES AWARD. THE TROPHY IS A BRONZED DOUCHE. PLEASE PROCEED TO THE COUNTER AND PICK UP YOUR PRIZE AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE. AND THEN SHOVE IT UP YOUR WASTECHUTE.
> Rose: What a fascinating romantic path you have chosen, John.
> Rose: I’m not certain I have ever encountered an example that so elegantly combines narcissism, necrophilia, disordered personality, and delusion. My congratulations on your ground-breaking accomplishment.
> Rose: Perhaps some relationship counseling might be in order?
> John: haha, oops.
> John: sorry guys, i was just playing around with my settings.
> Rose: I see. Tell us more about your interest in self-stimulation, John.
> John: rose, no. no, rose, no.
> Rose: Would you say this originated before or after your descent into narcissistic self-fascination with your own fictional deceased spirit remnant? Is it possible your pursuit of an online relationship represents an attempt to reconstruct the less tangible trappings of your fixation on the other-worldly?
> John: …
> John: :(
> Rose: Don’t be shy, John. I assure you I am approaching this matter as a professional.
> Dave: welp been nice knowing you bro bye now i wont forget you ill lay a red rose on your grave every day ill be sure to provide for your widow and orphans well name the first born after you im thinking johnny or little john or johnboy or derpface
> Dave: wait your widows ghost-john
> Dave: how will that work
> Dave: have you been playing around with time shenanigans is that whats happening here
> John’s Ghost: nope, nothing weird going on here!
> Dave: this is my stern face john look how stern it is
> John’s Ghost: what?
> John: what do you mean, dave?
> Gamzee: AwWw wOw cHeCk oUt tHeSe bEaUtIfUl mOtHeRfUcKiNg mIrAcLeS Up iN HeRe fOr mY TwO GhOsTy-bRoS. FiNeSt bLeSsInG Be aLl uP AnD UpOn yOu.
> Karkat: GAMZEE, IT’S A FAKE ACCOUNT.
> Karkat: GHOSTS CANNOT HAVE TROLLBOOK ACCOUNTS. JOHN IS NOT DATING HIS GHOST. JOHN IS AND WILL NO DOUBT REMAIN PATHETICALLY TRAGICALLY SINGLE AND PROBABLY NEVER BREED AND WE ARE ALL GRATEFUL FOR THIS SMALL BOON EVERY DAY.
> John: hey!
> John: i could breed if i wanted to.
> John: and also date.
> John: dating more than breeding.
> John: i think dad would disappointment-face at me if i breed before i finish my degree
> John: in fact let’s leave breeding off the table all together
> John: why am i talking about breeding?
> Karkat: I DON’T HAVE THE FIRST FUCKING CLUE BUT PLEASE STOP. THE MAMMAL-STOMACH-WIGGLER CONCEPT IS MAKING ME KIND OF NAUSEATED.
> Rose: Actually, John, from my observations of your father I consider it more likely that he would be entirely supportive of any action you wished to engage in so long as it was your choice.
> Dave: hear that john time to start pumping out the babies
> Dave: send your dad a dozen bet hell be thrilled
> Dave: bake you an im so proud cake
> Dave: mmm cake
> Dave: i want cake john why wont you earn me a cake
> Dave: put those child bearing hips to work
> John: omfg adsfkadjk
> Dave: why not john i bet ghost john wouldnt leave me hanging like this
> Dave: ghost john would be a bro
> Dave: ghost john would understand the importance of dadbert cake
> Dave: ghost john would give me babies
> John: dave no.
> John: no babies, no breeding, no cake, no talking about my dad anymore.
> John: no child-bearing hips!!!
> Karkat: NO RELATIONSHIPS, NO FAKE TROLLBOOK GHOST ACCOUNTS, NO STUPID PRANKS.
> John: wow, excuse you.
> Karkat: I THOUGHT WE WERE LISTING THINGS WE NEVER WANTED TO HEAR ABOUT AGAIN.
> John: pfft, whatever.
> John: you’re not the boss of me. :p
> John: i'll have as many relationships and fakebook ghosts as i want.
> Karkat: IT’S CALLED TROLLBOOK YOU INSUFFERABLE SHITPOKERS! WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO GET THAT RIGHT?
> John: and my pranks are hilarious.
> Rose: In fact I believe it’s called “A Social Networking Site Primarily But Not Exclusively Designed For The Use Of Trolls Wherein A Descriptive Page Of Yourself Is Created And Social Connections And Other Trivial Life Happenings Are Compulsively Documented And Collated In A Metaphorical Electronic Book Or Webpage Format For The Perusal Of Your Hatefriends And The Public And Also Various Political and Commercial Entities But Definitely Not In Any Way That Violates Your Personal Privacy Or Welfare Or Security”
> Rose: Although I admit that doesn’t trip off the tongue easily in casual conversation.
> Aradia: if j0hn did die and his spirit s0meh0w retained c0herency and
als0 a desire t0 access s0cial netw0rking sites i w0uld be willing t0
assist him as a medium
> Aradia: just to put that 0ut there
> John: thank you, Aradia.
> John’s Ghost: you are a true friend.
> Aradia: 0u0
> John’s Ghost: unlike some people.
> John’s Ghost: cough karkat cough
> Karkat: JOHN, I REFUSE TO ENGAGE IN ANY KIND OF MIND-BENDINGLY EMBARASSING AND POINTLESS PUBLIC TROLLBOOK ARGUMENT WITH ANY NON-EXISTENT ALTER-IDENTITY OF YOURS. I’M DICTATING THIS RIGHT NOW AS A FIRM, NON-NEGOTIABLE RULE IN THE HOPES THAT I MAY SOMEHOW MAINTAIN SOME SMALL SHRED OF MY DIGNITY, IMPLAUSIBLE AS THAT SEEMS.
> John: wow, so mean, karkat. you're going to make ghost-me cry.
> John: way to stomp all over the feelings of my temporary-accidental-fake-internet-girlfriend.
> Karkat: ‘GIRLFRIEND.’ JOHN I KNOW YOU HAVE AN ASSORTMENT OF RIDICULOUS HUMAN HANG UPS TO GO WITH YOUR BIZARRE PRECONCEPTIONS BUT DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW HUMAN SEXUALITY WORKS?
> Rose: To be fair, John’s sexual orientation is not necessarily dependent on the gender of his partner.
> Karkat: YEAH WELL I’LL BET HIS PARTNER’S GENDER IS ALSO NOT MAGICALLY DEPENDENT UPON JOHN’S SEXUAL ORIENTATION WHATEVER THAT MAY BE FROM MOMENT TO MOMENT. ESPECIALLY WHEN HIS PARTNER IS ALSO ACTUALLY JOHN OR A STUPID FAKE DEAD JOHN PSEUDONYM AND WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN DOING ANYMORE WHY AM I STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS?
> John: haha, i don’t know, karkat.
> John: why are you?
> Karkat: YOU’RE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE AREN’T YOU? IS THIS EVEN A THING OR DO YOU JUST BRING THIS SHIT UP AND PLAY DUMB BECAUSE YOU ENJOY WATCHING ME FLAIL AROUND IN REACTION TO YOUR STUPIDITY? WHICH BY THE WAY, DOES NOT INVALIDATE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE STUPID.
> John: mmmmaybe.
> John: it’s not my fault you’re really easy karkat!
> Dave: truer words man
> Karkat: FUCK YOU, STRIDER.
> Dave: jeez man rein it in
> Dave: like i appreciate you supporting my point but try to control your urges in public maybe save it for your diary or something fakebook is not the place
> John: it’s not his fault you’re hot dave
> Dave: truest words
> Karkat: PLATONICALLY AND ENTIRELY NON-LITERALLY, FUCK THE PAIR OF YOU IN ALL YOUR ORIFICES FOREVER; YOU TWO DESERVE EACH OTHER.
> Dave: i know right too bad johns already taken
> Dave: what do you think john any chance of me stealing you away from your epic bromansu with ghost-john
> Dave: ditch the ghost and be my true bro-love forever
> Dave: or the other way round i guess either ways fine really im not picky
> John: oh sure i see how it is
> John: any john will do
> John: is that all our friendship means to you dave?
> John: :T
> Dave: im sorry baby i can change
> John: nope too late. i'm promoting karkat into your place.
> Karkat: I WANT NO PART OF ANY OF THIS. I HATE YOU ALL EXACTLY THE SAME AMOUNT. WHICH IS A DEVASTATINGLY LARGE AMOUNT.
> Dave: aw karkles i knew you cared
> John: anyway i don’t know why john-ghost bothers you so much
> John: it’s not that weird to make extra joke accounts.
> John: jade's dog has a fakebook page.
> Becquerel: BARK
> Dave: okay see this is why i find that creepy
> John: it is pretty funny how that always happens.
> Dave: i mean is jade even online what the fuck
> Dave: is the demon dog accessing fakebook all by itself and like typing with its paws i mean how do they fit on the keys are there unholy powers at work here can they alter the laws of space and physics and i guess biology or is jade like secretly a sociopath who enjoys fucking with my head what am i working with here where is the evil coming from
> Becquerel: BARK
> Dave: no shit im sorry mister demon dog im sure youre very nice and real and not evil
> Dave: please dont eat me
> Dave: shit can you even read
> Dave: can you speak english
> Dave: i mean read
> Dave: read english
> Dave: being a dog and all
> Dave: okay listen up imma lay it out for you
> Dave: bark
> Becquerel: BARK
> Dave: holy fuck someone make it stop
> Equius: D --> I’m not sure e%actly what is going on here but it seems some form of congrat001ations are in order
> Karkat: YOU SEE? YOU SEE THIS TRAINWRECK? THIS IS WHY TROLLBOOK IS NOT MEANT TO BE USED AS A TROLLIAN SUBSTITUTE. DON’T YOU PEOPLE EVER READ MY MEMOS?
Nepeta Leijon
and 9 others like this status!
Karkat Vantas
abjured this status!
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✦ John Egbert changed his relationship status to Single!
> Eridan: hey john
> John: no.
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