Archive of Our Own

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23 February 2020 · 1:02 AM

Let’s get this bread @spiderman

would it be bad luck to say that patrol is boring tonight? like! i’m glad no one is in trouble but also i haven’t had a proper night’s rest in months.

23 February 2020 · 1:26 AM

Let’s get this bread @spiderman

it was bad luck. i take it back.

12 March 2020 · 4:43 PM

Let’s get this bread @spiderman

2020 can go frick itself

uwu @itsnotaprobanymore
replying to @spiderman

Frick?

Let's get this bread @spiderman
replying to @itsnotaprobanymore

there shall be no cursing in my christian minecraft server!

14 March 2020 · 12:58 PM

Let's get this bread @spiderman

day 23 in the chamber. they ain't found me yet, but when they do, they gonna be surprised.

👁️🗢👁️ @uwuchan
replying to @spiderman

is this just a tiktok quote or are you actually hiding?

Let's get this bread @spiderman
replying to @uwuchan

i have ✨uPgRadEs✨ being made to my suit, so i'm stuck at the avengers compound

14 March 2020 · 1:39 PM

Let's get this bread @spiderman

rating the people around the avengers compound because I'm bored: A Thread

14 March 2020 · 1:42 PM

Let's get this bread @spiderman

mr stark. solid 9/10. would be a ten but who wears sunglasses inside? i don't care that they are super high tech, definitely not jealous. 

14 March 2020 · 1:45 PM

Let's get this bread @spiderman

hawkeye. 6.5/10 but honestly we must stan our HOH king. i once saw him fall out of a vent. also purple is a weird colour?

14 March 2020 · 1:46 PM

Let's get this bread @spiderman

black widow. 11/10. the flavour? immaculate. the volume? astronomical. totally not spider-themed bias.

14 March 2020 · 1:49 PM

Let's get this bread @spiderman

the winter soldier. 8/10. cool arm. 

14 March 2020 · 1:52 PM

Let's get this bread @spiderman

captain america. -10/10. said a dirty word on my christian minecraft server. gives me flashbacks to pe. has eyebrows of disappointment.  

avengers stan @notallheroswearcapes
replying to @spiderman

omg this is the best thread ever

 

ear puns @volumedown
replying to @spiderman

so y'all really out here letting me find out that hawkeye was HOH from Spiderman shitposts?

 

eat the rich @trafficlitesatnite
replying to @spiderman

Spider-themed bias. But honestly, who wore it better?

 

tony stank @tonystark
replying to @spiderman

Kid, what are you doing?

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15 March 2020 · 8:15 PM

SpiderWatch @officialspidernews

Spiderman spotted on 5th street dancing to Renegade at request of fans. Is Spiderman one of us? #spiderwatch #tiktok #renegade #genz

Savage™ @thatbeach
replying to @officialspidernews

Spiderman has to be a millennial or a gen z

Sara no H @saraaaa
replying to @thatbeach

The only valid options. We would regrettably have to unstan if he were a boomer.

Savage ™ @thatbeach
replying to @saraaaa

Isn't Captain America a boomer?

Sara no H @saraaaa
replying to @thatbeach

I said what I said. 💅

16 March 2020 · 12:06 AM

Let's get this bread @spiderman

i'm trending? sweet. anyone wanna do a #spiderama ?

Lindsey @urmumsahoe
replying to @spiderman

Was that really you doing the renegade?  #spiderama

Let's get this bread @spiderman
replying to @urmumsahoe

yup!

Anna Banana @catloafbread
replying to @spiderman

Do you have a tiktok? #spiderama

Let's get this bread @spiderman

between school and webslinging, i don't have time to make tiktoks, but i definitely waste time on the app!

Himbo @officialhimbotweets
replying to @spiderman

Why does @StarSpangledMan give you flashbacks to PE? #spiderama

Let's get this bread @spiderman
replying to @officialhimbotweets

my school still shows old psas that captain america filmed in pe and sometimes detention. the amount of times i've seen his disappointed eyebrows this past month is aStrOnOmICaL.

16 March 2020 · 12:58 AM

Daily reminder to smile @clapthemcheeks

Hold the fucking phone. Is @spiderman still in highschool? Am I simping for a whole ass child? #spiderama

Margo @ohhellothar
replying to @clapthemcheeks

Yes 😂

Jackie @twerkingrites
replying to @clapthemcheeks

F

Pettywise @pettywisetheclown
replying to @clapthemcheeks

F

Let's get this bread @spiderman
replying to @clapthemcheeks

f

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18 March 2020 · 1:32 AM

it's ya boi @spiderman

with great power comes great responsibility

it's ya boi @spiderman

i will either die a hero, or live long enough to see myself become a villain 

18 March 2020 · 2:15 AM

it's ya boi @spiderman

... the deed has been done.

Dumbo @bigbagofbeans
replying to @spiderman

This is ominous as fuck

Ayyye @gigigooo
replying to @bigbagofbeans

no cursing on spiderman's christian minecraft server!

Tony Stank @TonyStark
replying to @spiderman

Kid... 1) why the fuck are you still awake and 2) what the fuck did you do

18 March 2020 · 2:22 AM

F.R.I.D.A.Y @AIFriday

@StarSpangledMan @TonyStark Language Protocol initiated. 

Cap @StarSpangledMan
replying to @AIFriday @TonyStark

Did you seriously just have FRIDAY wake me up to say "Language"?

18 March 2020 · 2:38 AM

Christmas in July @queenkilljoy

Putting a pause on @TonyStark and @StarSpangledMan 's issue with the f-word, does any one actually know what Spidey is out here doing? 

18 March 2020 · 2:51 AM

The only valid Karen @AIKaren

@TonyStark, it seems that @Spiderman has consumed a tide pod and wishes for you to not know.

it's ya boi @spiderman
replying to @AIKaren @TonyStark

Thanks, Karen.

18 March 2020 · 3:06 AM

Shuri @wakandanprincess

@spiderman why was I not informed that we were eating the forbidden snack?

it's ya boi @spiderman
replying to @wakandanprincess

it was sort of an impulse thing. they had free tide pod samples at this laundromat and it just happened

it's ya boi @spiderman
replying to @wakandanprincess

it actually tasted kind of gross

it's ya boi @spiderman
replying to @wakandanprincess

yet somehow satisfying

it's ya boi @spiderman
replying to @wakandanprincess

my stomach kinda hurts

18 March 2020 · 3:10 AM

T'challa @blackpanther

Please tell me you are not actually planning on eating laundry detergent, @wakandanprincess.

Shuri @wakandanprincess
replying to @blackpanter

If I am? What will you do about it furry?

it's ya boi @spiderman
replying to @blackpanter @wakandanprincess

why would you say something so controversial yet so brave?

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21 March 2020 · 11:15 AM

SpiderWatch @officialspidernews

Spiderman spotted in Hell's Kitchen earlier this morning helping local vigilante Daredevil. #spiderwatch #spiderman #daredevil

Flint @pocketsand
replying to @officialspidernews 

I thought Spiderman was an #avenger

Thomas @THBaker
replying to @pocketsand

What does being an avenger have to do with anything?

Flint @pocketsand
replying to @THBaker

I'm just saying, I don't see Iron Man or Captain America helping to keep Hell's Kitchen safe. Not really an "avenger level threat". 

Ole Razzle Dazzle @spacecatkatie
replying to @pocketsand

Spidey has always been around to help every day people. Why are you being such a hater?

Flint @pocketsand
replying to @spacecatkatie

Please, stop pretending like these guys actually care about regular people. It's all about public image for people like Iron Man. Spiderman may have cared before, but now that he's with the avengers, I doubt he gives two shits.

21 March 2020 · 11:31 AM

Back it up Terry @twopeasinapod

Does #daredevil have a twitter?

it's ya boi @spiderman
replying to @twopeasinapod

:'( no. we've tried to make him get one, but he won't

omg spiderman responded to me @twopeasinapod
replying to @spiderman

We?

it's ya boi @spiderman
replying to @twopeasinapod

@mercwithamouth and i!

21 March 2020 · 11:40 AM

Robyn @beancontent

How did we not know that Spiderman knows Deadpool?

Sunny @sunnyinseattle
replying to @beancontent

Do you think he cares that he... uh... kills people?

Deadpool @mercwithamouth
replying to @sunnyinseattle

I prefer the term "unalive", and I haven't unalived anyone since Webhead's been in the picture ;)

it's ya boi @spiderman
replying to @sunnyinseattle @mercwithamouth

he promised he wouldn't unalive anyone anymore

21 March 2020 · 12:11 PM

Tony Stank @tonystark

@spiderman kid, tell me that I'm just getting old and my eyesight is bad. 

it's ya boi @spiderman
replying to @tonystark

you're getting old and your eyesight is bad????????

Tony Stank @tonystark
replying to @spiderman

Why is your name trending with Daredevil and Deadpool of all people? What did you get yourself into?

Deadpool @mercwithamouth
replying to @tonystark @spiderman

Don't be jealous that you can't be a part of #teamred

it's ya boi @spiderman
replying to @mercwithamouth @tonystark

well that sounds like my cue to go, gotta swing!

Tony Stank @tonystark
replying to @spiderman

This conversation is far from over. 

21 March 2020 · 12:45 PM

SpiderWatch @officialspidernews

Spiderman spotted scaling the side of Avengers Tower. Did he get in trouble with the Avengers for his involvement with what @mercwithamouth called #teamred ? #spiderman #ironman #spiderwatch #avengers

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21 March 2020 · 2:06 PM

status: grounded @spiderman

so... i'm grounded :(

Pizza w/o Pineapple @carrieon
replying to @spiderman

??? how can someone just... ground Spidey?

Judge Judy @judyjudybobudy
replying to @carrieon

Dude, didn't you hear? Spiderman is like... 12

status: grounded @spiderman
replying to @carrieon @judyjudybobudy

i'm not twelve >:(

Deadpool @mercwithamouth
replying to @spiderman

Just say the word and I'll get DD and we will rescue you from Iron Daddy

Tony Stank @TonyStark
replying to @mercwithamouth

Ew. Never call me that again.

21 March 2020 · 3:23 PM

status: grounded @spiderman

Can we tread something other than #irondaddy , i am ✨u n c o m f y✨

Purple is a cool colour @hawkeye
replying to @spiderman

Didn't you call Stark "dad" once?

status: grounded @spiderman
replying to @hawkeye

............ you did this... for what?

Purple is a cool colour @hawkeye
replying to @spiderman

🤷 You rated me a 6.5, this is what you deserve.

status: grounded @spiderman
replying to @hawkeye

i'm going to eat your kneecaps in your sleep.

Purple is a cool colour @hawkeye
replying to @spiderman

@tonystark come get your kid he's scaring me

21 March 2020 · 3:40 PM

Alive Aha Fuck @agentpotato

Is @tonystark actually @spiderman 's dad or something?

Joshua @JTCarter
replying to @agentpotato

Stark would be the type of parent that turned his kid into a mask wearing freak.

status: grounded @spiderman
replying to @agentpotato @JTcarter

:/ i'm not a freak? that's rude.

21 March 2020 · 3:52 PM

#IronDad @tonystark

Being a good person and doing what is right and helping those who cannot help themselves does not make you a freak and if I see one more person calling my kid a freak, I will end your whole career.

Pepper Potts @StarkCEO
replying to @tonystark

Tony, this is going to be a PR nightmare. You can't just go around calling people your kid.

#IronDad @tonystark
replying to @StarkCEO

Watch me.

21 March 2020 · 3:55 PM

Natasha @blackwidow

Who is calling Spiderman a freak? Turn on your location, I just want to talk. 🔪🔪

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22 March 2020 · 3:41 PM

status: grounded @spiderman

since i'm grounded, who wants another #spiderama ?

BS @cinnabunz
replying to @spiderman

Who is your favourite avenger? #spiderama

status: grounded @spiderman
replying to @cinnabunz

are you really trying to get me grounded for longer? :(

Jay @halfearthling
replying to @spiderman

How did you get Deadpool to stop "unaliving" people? #spiderama

status: grounded @spiderman
replying to @halfearthling

easy. i just asked him to stop

Jay @halfearthling
replying to @spiderman

Imagine having that much power- I-

CommonSense-Man @commonsenseman
replying to @spiderman

Why don't you ever use capital letters? #spiderama

status: grounded @spiderman
replying to @commonsenseman

~ ✨ aesthetic ✨ ~

Deborah @debragrahms
replying to @spiderman

So like.. do the webs, you know, come out of you? #spiderama

status: grounded @spiderman
replying to @debragrahms

omg ew no i use webslingers — my own design

Deborah @debragrahms
replying to @spiderman

So, hypothetically, anyone could grab a mask and make their own webslingers and be Spiderman?

status: grounded @spiderman
replying to @debragrahms

hypothetically, yeah?

Hope @hopestwest
replying to @spiderman

So if the webs are from a machine, what do you use to crawl on things? Magnets? Suction cups? Stark tech? #spiderama

status: grounded @spiderman
replying to @hopestwest

i'm just a sticky boi :)

#1 SpideyFan @spideyfanaccount
replying to @spiderman

The videos of you catching cars on the internet are *so* cool! What's the most you can lift? #spiderama

status: grounded @spiderman
replying to @spideyfanaccount

i don't have an exact number but one time i had a building dropped on me and i was able to lift it off

#IronDad @tonystark
replying to @spideyfanaccount @spiderman

Excuse me, you lifted a *what* off of you?

status: grounded @spiderman
replying to @spideyfanaccount @spiderman

whoops, gotta swing!

22 March 2020 · 5:02 PM

Avenger News @officialavengerupdates

Avengers Tower reportedly went into lockdown around 4:56 pm. Could this be due to @spiderman 's recent tweets about being trapped under a building? #spiderama #avengers

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27 March 2020 · 5:02 PM

Sophia The First @sophialite

Anyone else worried that we haven't heard from #spiderman in five days?

Sasha @sourdoughbread
replying to @sophialite

I'm sure he's just busy saving people

SpiderWatch @officialspiderwatch
replying to @sophialite @sourdoughbread

There have been no spottings of @spiderman since our last update.

27 March 2020 · 5:09 PM

Kry @krystalball

Do you think Tony Stark is holding Spiderman hostage?

27 March 2020 · 5:15 PM

Val @glossygossip

Kinda strikes me as weird that ir*nm*n has so much control over sp*d*rm*n, he's not even an av*ng*r, iirc

Rey @lonelygirl15
replying to @glossygossip

Isn't that why the av*ng*rs fought before? Because ir*nm*n was too controlling???

Carlos @icarlos
replying to @glossygossip @lonelygirl15

dude, everyone knows you're talking about ironman and spiderman?? why are you censoring it??

Val @glossygossip
replying to @icarlos

Can you please delete your tweet? I don't want the algorithm to pick it up and for st*rk to see it

Carlos @icarlos
replying to @glossygossip

As if he cares about a nobody twitter account

27 March 2020 ·  6:45 PM

status: grounded @spiderman

i saw that i was trending, pls don't start any conspiracy theories. mr. stark is awesome and i could have gone out as spiderman if i wanted to

status: grounded @spiderman

i had an essay due and i've been on my personal twitter all week

status: grounded @spiderman

thanks for looking out for me, though. if i'm ever in real trouble you guys will be the first to know!

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1 June 2020 ·  10:41 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

@blackwidow did you really make out with @hawkeye?

Natasha @blackwidow
replying to @spiderman

I am disgusted. I am revolted. I dedicate my entire life to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and this is the thanks I get? @starspangledman did you buy stock in Depends?

Cap @starspangledman
replying to @spiderman @blackwidow

Of course, hasn't everyone? @thefalcon Do you think Helen Keller is real?

Sam Wilson @thefalcon
replying to @spiderman @starspangledman

I mean, sure, I guess. @tonystark does your sleep paralysis demon twerk?

#IronDad @tonystark
replying to @spiderman @thefalcon

All the time, honestly. @warmachine did you sub to my onlyfans?

Colonel Rhodes @warmachine
replying to @spiderman @tonystark

Does a bear shit in the woods? @hawkeye have you ever thought about not being a little bitch?

Purple is a cool colour @hawkeye
replying to @spiderman @warmachine

It's sort of my trademark. @spiderman were you in my swamp?

spidey boi @spiderman
replying to @hawkeye

what can i say? shrek is love, shrek is life.

1 June 2020 ·  12:13 PM

Avengers News @officialavengersupdates

If you're feeling down today, check out @spiderman 's page for a fun #avengersthread with their take on the viral tiktok #yesnochallenge

1 June 2020 ·  12:22 PM

Daily Bugle @thedailybugle

Spiderman the Menace is threatening the safety of New York by keeping the Avengers busy on social media. — read more here.

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5 June 2020 ·  12:18 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

ksaren how do i give myszelf stitcshe

5 June 2020 ·  12:19 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

wphat do you mean ewetwt sent

5 June 2020 ·  12:21 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

kanre vi cant' understanld you

#IronDad @tonystark
replying to @spiderman

Kid, what are you trying to tweet?

spidey boi @spiderman
replying to @tonystark

twerte? karen! ddi lyou ppost what ri swas smaying?

#IronDad @tonystark
replying to @spiderman

Stay where you are, spiderling. I'm coming to get you.

spidey boi @spiderman
replying to @tonystark

vi'm finep, mr sthark! it lwas ebarely a scratch! 

5 June 2020 ·  12:36 AM

SpiderWatch @officialspidernews

@spiderman was spotted in Flushing Meadows around midnight. The webslinger appeared to be injured while leaving the scene and was spotted being flown to Avengers Tower by Ironman after a series of cryptic tweets.

Tony @bitchlasagna 
replying to @officialspidernews

Now I feel like an ass, I thought he was drunk. 

Sav @savage_savannah
replying to @officialspidernews @bitchlasagna

His tweets weren't *that* hard to read, he clearly was asking his AI how to give himself stitches.

Shannon @crispyarmin
replying to @officialspidernews

I wish he would just rely on the avengers for helps sometimes instead of swinging around injured ;; 

Mary @silverlininglight
replying to @crispyarmin

He wouldn't have gotten hurt if he didn't try to do the police's job! He's just another narcissist that wants to play hero, just like Iron Man.

link in bio @tahtgamingyoutuber
replying to @crispyarmin @silverlininglight

but no one wants to have *that* conversation

Shannon @crispyarmin
replying to @silverlininglight @tahtgamingyoutuber

Because it's not even a conversation that needs to be had! Spidey is the farthest thing from narcissistic! 

Jerrett @wheresjerret
replying to @crispyarmin @silverlininglight @tahtgamingyoutuber

saying "but no one wants to have that conversation" doesn't make your point ~* d e e p *~ bro. 

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6 June 2020 ·  9:45 AM

Ivan @ivan_no

Do you ever wonder if @/spiderman has a personal twitter account? #spideyidentity #showerthoughts

season 5 @fatal_gaming_god
replying to @ivan_no

Is @/spiderman not personally his?

Ivan @ivan_no
replying to @fatal_gaming_god

I mean a twitter account for the man behind the mask.

#helpthebear @ventimochaswirl
replying to @ivan_no

LOL I thought we agreed months ago that @/spiderman was like... 12?

6 June 2020 ·  9:51 AM

Glados @thecakeisalie

It makes sense why heroes and vigilantes like @/spiderman hide their identities, but when we have people like Tony Stark out here announcing they are Iron Man just days after debuting their suit... what can I say, curiosity kills the cat. #spideyidentity

Hailey @casual_fling
replying to @thecakeisalie

does satisfaction bring it back? #spideyidentity

Glados @thecakeisalie
replying to @casual_fling

I hope you're not implying that we find out spiderman's real identity. That's a huge invasion of privacy! 

Brian @doublewhammy
replying to @thecakeisalie

Spiderman is a freak just like those so called 'x-men' mutants. Does he really deserve privacy? I wouldn't want my kids interacting with someone like him. #spideyidentity

Hailey @casual_fling
replying to @doublewhammy

Yeah 🙄 because someone who helps old ladies cross the road and stops sexual assaults before they happen is such a terrible role model for kids to have /s

6 June 2020 ·  10:02 AM

Paulina @cutemushroomgf

I think the only reason I would want to know Spidey's real personal account is because I feel like he shares really great memes #spideyidentity

6 June 2020 ·  10:05 AM

Nik(o) @nekonikoknee

I bet @/spiderman could take amazing photos of NY while swinging around. Spidey, if you see this! Make an insta! #spideyidentity

6 June 2020 ·  10:15 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

why is #spideyidentity trending? did someone leak my nudes :O

Deadpool @mercwithamouth
replying to @spiderman

Who do I need to unalive, sweetums? Revenge Porn is never okay.

spidey boi @spiderman
replying to @mercwithamouth

omg no it was a joke please don't unalive anyone

6 June 2020 ·  11:48 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

i respect the discussions around the idea of secret identities, but i would appreciate it if noone tried to unmask me. im just like everyone else. i have family and people i care about that could get hurt because of the things that i do (1/

6 June 2020 ·  11:50 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

i know i put them at risk by continuing to do these things but, i learned the hard way that when you can do the things that i do and you don’t and people get hurt because you were too weak to stand up for what was right, it’s on you. (2/

6 June 2020 ·  11:54 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

i am always open to criticism when it is justified and constructive but don’t @ me just because you want your bigotry known to the world. if you call me a freak and a mutant just because I am different than you (3/

6 June 2020 ·  11:58 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

then i would hate to see how you treat someone who comes from a different culture or happens to be a different race or identify as a different gender or sexuality. i’m still a human being worthy of respect and privacy (/4

uwu @itsnotaprobanymore
replying to @spiderman

He said what he said!

avengers stan @notallheroswearcapes
replying to @spiderman

mic. drop.

Flint @pocketsand
replying to @spiderman

As if anyone would care who is actually behind the mask. Most bad guys are of the avengers own making. 

Alive Aha Fuck @agentpotato
replying to @spiderman

do we have an "ism" for people who are anti mutant/enhanced individuals/etc? It would make it easier so we can label the bigots who @ spidey just for being his buggy self. 

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8 June 2020 ·  5:16 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

today's thread will be what the #avengers would have gone viral for on @tiktok if they had made accounts liked i asked them to. before you ask, no, i do not take criticism. 

8 June 2020 ·  5:18 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

starting out strong, @tonystark and @starspangledman would have gone viral for "if you're motherfking happy and you motherfking know it clap your hands", and it would have ended with mr. stark smacking #americasass

8 June 2020 ·  5:22 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

i'm pretty sure if i uploaded footage of @vision glitching to that glitchy russian song, it would still go viral

8 June 2020 ·  5:25 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

i don't know if mr fury has a twitter or if i will be arrested if i tag him, but he should do the "here's the tea" nail clicking because mr fury has all the tea

8 June 2020 ·  5:28 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

@wakandanprincess, do us a solid and record @blackpanther drinking "superhero juice" and then move the sticky note to reveal that it's actually "furry juice" i am begging you

8 June 2020 ·  5:30 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

alternatively, @wakandanprincess should get on the siren beat trend to show off her cultural outfits! #wakandaforever

8 June 2020 ·  5:31 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

@blackwidow could do either the freddie dredd "damn son" or the "i'm fcked up" thirst traps and we would all be blessed

8 June 2020 ·  5:36 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

@hawkeye would only go viral with the "i just flipped the switch" trend if he got @blackwidow 's help and they switched uniforms.

8 June 2020 ·  5:39 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

@whitewolf would use the "i can't take it off" audio with a green screen image of a tsa agent asking him to take off his arm because if the avengers didn't have private planes you can't tell me this wouldn't legit happen

8 June 2020 ·  5:41 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

@drstephanstrange would do the stranger things (haha get it?) trend but would use his really cool magic to make the camera actually fall through cool portals!

8 June 2020 ·  5:42 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

you can't tell me that @mercwithamouth wouldn't be perfect for the "i used to be so beautiful now look at me" audio

8 June 2020 ·  5:45 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

i'm begging @thefalcon to make a tiktok with the "do you ever look at someone and wonder what is going on inside their heads" audio but with clips of @whitewolf and @starspangledman not understanding this century

8 June 2020 ·  5:48 AM

#IronDad @tonystark

kid, don't tell me you've been up all night on a school night.

spidey boi @spiderman
replying to @tonystark

i won't tell you that i've been up all night on a school night

8 June 2020 ·  5:50 AM

F.R.I.D.A.Y @AIFriday

@starspangledman @spiderman Language Protocol initiated. 

Cap @starspangledman
replying to @AIFriday

@spiderman, kid. Really? 

spidey boi @spiderman

!!!!! i'm 16!!! a grandmother!!

Chapter Text

8 June 2020 ·  6:15 AM

SpiderWatch @officialspidernews

After a fun thread of Avenger TikTok trends, our webslinging hero responded to Captain America here on twitter. Was it just another vine reference or is our spider hero really only sixteen?

8 June 2020 ·  6:16 AM

Daily Bugle @thedailybugle

Breaking News: Local menace only sixteen years of age! Where are @spiderman ‘s parents and who is actually in control of this web-slinging vigilante?! — read more here

8 June 2020 ·  6:20 AM

Avengers News @officialavengersupdates

We urge the public not to speculate and jump to conclusions based upon what they see on the internet. 

Kimberley @kimsatz
replying to @officialavengersupdates

So is it true or not? Is Spiderman actually only sixteen?!

Internet Explorer @1nt3rn3t3xp70r3r
replying to @officialavengersupdates

I mean, Spiderman did reveal that he was still in school, right? You all should have known he was a teenager?

Dave @daviiid
replying to @officialavengersupdates @1nt3rn3t3xp70r3r

no way, i thought by school he meant college??

Internet Explorer @1nt3rn3t3xp70r3r
replying to @officialavengersupdates @daviiid

He literally said he sees Cap PSAs while in *detention*, I don't know what college you're thinking of that still does *denention*. 

Gia @giastorm
replying to @officialavengersupdates @1nt3rn3t3xp70r3r

Let's not forget that he dropped an F in chat for that person asking if they were simping over a whole ass child!

8 June 2020 ·  10:48 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

guys... it was a vine reference, omg

8 June 2020 ·  10:48 AM

spidey boi @spiderman

besides, i'm not sixteen yet :'(

Pepper Potts @StarkCEO

You are just as much of a PR nightmare as Tony is, kid.

Chapter Text

15 June 2020 ·  12:47 PM

spidey boi @spiderman

so i was thinking. . .

Rick @rickyboi
replying to @spiderman

Whoa, be careful there, buddy! Don't hurt yourself!

spidey boi @spiderman
replying to @rickyboi

rude. i mean, true. but rude.

15 June 2020 ·  12:52 PM

spidey boi @spiderman

a n y w a y s, i was thinking about maybe going to pride next weekend

Stacey @enbystacey
replying to @spiderman

OMG YES!

Leslie is Lesbi @leslielies
replying to @spiderman

My parents were worried about me going to pride alone this year, if you are there then it will be safe!

Greg @greggreggreg
replying to @spiderman

Don't you kind of think it's overstepping boundaries? Like, can the Avengers pls not be narcissistic for once?

Sara Wheelie @sarahwheeler
replying to @greggreggreg

??? pride??? is for everyone??? how is spiderman wanting to go to pride = narcissistic??????

Greg @greggreggreg
replying to @sarahwheeler

I'm just saying, they always make these things about themselves. Let the LGBTQ community have this one thing. 

Sara Wheelie @sarahwheeler
replying to @greggreggreg

oh rite, i forgot, you speak for all members of the LGBTQ community, apparently! /s

15 June 2020 ·  1:15 PM

sBIderman @spiderman

uuuhhm. in case it wasn’t clear, when i swing around saving all of you guys, i swing both ways. 

#IronDad @tonystark
replying to @spiderman

Wow, kid... This isn't how I pictured you coming out — wait, no, this is exactly how I pictured you coming out. Good job, kid.

sBIderman @spiderman
replying to @tonystark

Thank you, Mr. Stark! 

15 June 2020 ·  1:20 PM

SpiderWatch @officialspidernews

Official Update — Spiderman came out as bi via twitter! Happy pride, everyone! #nycpride #pride #spidernews #biicon

Joshua @JTCarter
replying to @officialspidernews

Wow, guess he's a freak in more than one way.

Alive Aha Fuck @agentpotato
replying to @JTCarter

If you have such an issue with #sBIderman , why are you letting him live in your head rent free my dude? 

Chapter Text

16 June 2020 ·  4:34 PM

MJ @themjfiles

Not you guys out here pretending like your faves aren't queer because of your straight cis toxic culture. 

Kevin @kevin__johnson
replying to @themjfiles

Why do you people have to make everything gay these days? Everyone wants to be a special little snowflake and cry about representation. Not everything has to be gay. Grow up and get over yourself.

MJ @themjfiles
replying to @kevin__johnson

Okay Kevin, here is where you fucked up. You say "you people" as if the LGBTQ+ community are "others". You say that things are "being made gay these days" as if queer folk haven't existed this whole time. 

MJ @themjfiles
replying to @kevin__johnson 

 While you get to live out your little cis white picket fence straight family fantasy, queer folks are doing what they have always done... progressing. 

MJ @themjfiles
replying to @kevin__johnson

And calling people "snowflakes" doesn't have the effect that you want it to. You just sound like a boomer. 

MJ @themjfiles
replying to @kevin__johnson

Leonardo Da Vinci? Gay.

MJ @themjfiles
replying to @kevin__johnson

Shakespeare? Gay.

MJ @themjfiles
replying to @kevin__johnson

Maybe those examples are a little too outside of the little bubble you see the world in, Kevin. I can't help but notice you're using Captain America's shield for your icon.

MJ @themjfiles
replying to @kevin__johnson

Guess what, Kevin. Gay. If not, bi. 

Kevin @kevin__johnson
replying to @themjfiles

Neither of those can be proven and Cap is not gay. He is an American icon that stands for everything a REAL American MAN should be. 

Kevin @kevin__johnson
replying to @themjfiles

Aren't you people the ones always crying about not assuming shit about people? You're projecting your snowflake gayness onto everyone. 

MJ @themjfiles
replying to @kevin__johnson

Dude, there's no assumption. Cap literally became a war criminal for his old "buddy". 

MJ @themjfiles
replying to @kevin__johnson

Queer history is constantly being coded by cis straight people to try and erase it. "Oh they were roommates" "They were best friends!", no dipshit, they were romantically involved.

MJ @themjfiles
replying to @kevin__johnson

Life, ffs. @spiderman tweeted that he was literally bi. Wanna argue that one too, buddy?

16 June 2020 ·  5:26 PM

sBIderman @spiderman

so, i just saw a tweet thread and i thought since it's pride month and all, maybe i would get some friends to help clear the air. to shed some light, so to speak, on some queer history erasure. go to @starspangledman 's page for today's history lesson!

16 June 2020 ·  5:26 PM

Cap @starspangledman

Imagine living in an era where being anything other than heterosexual could, at worst, end with you being dead. 

16 June 2020 ·  5:27 PM

Cap @starspangledman

And then imagine waking up seventy years later, where queerness is still oppressed but it is also celebrated, where you have rights and freedoms. 

16 June 2020 ·  5:28 PM

Cap @starspangledman

And then imagine people thinking your boyfriend — that you once went into nazi territory to rescue, mind you — is just your roommate still. 

#IronDad @TonyStark
replying to @starspangledman

In case this wasn't clear enough for all the haters, Cap and Bucky are fucking.

16 June 2020 ·  5:28 PM

F.R.I.D.A.Y @AIFriday

@StarSpangledMan @TonyStark Language Protocol initiated. 

Cap @starspangledman
replying to @AIFriday @TonyStark

I am aware, Thanks Friday. Tony, was that necessary?

#IronDad @TonyStark
replying to @AIFriday @starspangledman

Absolutely.

Chapter Text

1 July 2020 ·  5:14 AM

sBIderman @spiderman

People of the internet, i come asking a very important questions

1 July 2020 ·  5:15 AM

sBIderman @spiderman

What are your best acne solutions? 

izzy @spgd16
replying to @spiderman

Spiderman gets acne?

Cutethulu @cutethuwu
replying to @spiderman @spgd16

Dude... there's an actual person under that mask...

makenzie @makensneeze
replying to @spiderman @cutethuwu

Wait until they find out that spidey *gasp* has to eat and use the bathroom too

izzy @spgd16

no need for u guys to be rude.

Jessica @jessicalouwho
replying to @spiderman

Omg check out hyram on youtube!!

Big D @DazeDee
replying to @spiderman

Honestly you could have a bomb skin care routine, but, you're not going to see any results if you keep your mask on for hours every day.

sBIderman @spiderman
replying to @DazeDee

i googled about my mask! i used to sweat a lot in my old one, but this one is pretty light weight! I don't have any troubles breathing through it, so i thought it wasn't the issue.

Big D @DazeDee
replying to @spiderman

*facepalm* breathable for you, maybe, but not for your skin!

It's a choice @milesperhour
replying to @spiderman

It might be puberty.

Chapter Text

11 July 2020 ·  1:14 PM

sBIderman @spiderman

you know, it’s really a wonderful day out today

11 July 2020 ·  1:15 PM

sBIderman @spiderman

the sun is shining

11 July 2020 ·  1:15 PM

sBIderman @spiderman

there are pretty clouds!

11 July 2020 ·  1:16 PM

sBIderman @spiderman

i don’t even care that i’m locked out!

11 July 2020 ·  1:17 PM

sBIderman @spiderman

like, it’s really good to get some fresh air for once!

Ciara @lemonwedgebaby
replying to @spiderman

Do you not get fresh air when you're swinging around the city?

sBIderman @spiderman
replying to @lemonwedgebaby

this air is different! it's not city air!

11 July 2020 ·  1:22 PM

sBIderman @spiderman

why would i ever want to go inside when i have all this fresh air and sunshine!

Caw Caw @hawkeye
replying to @spiderman

Glad to hear you're enjoying yourself out there spider-ling

sBIderman @spiderman
replying to @hawkeye

it's so great out here, your prank failed mr barton! you should just let me back in now since your prank didn't work!

Caw Caw @hawkeye
replying to @spiderman

Such a shame. Actually, I was thinking about going to train, maybe take out my hearing aids for a few hours. I probably won't even hear FRIDAY telling me someone is requesting entrance to the compound! But that's fine right, since it's so great out there?

sBIderman @spiderman
replying to @hawkeye

that's FINE, mr barton! i'm HAPPY to be outside!

11 July 2020 ·  2:45 PM

sBIderman @spiderman

@hawkeye if you do not open this ███████ door, i will eat your knee caps

11 July 2020 ·  2:47 PM

sBIderman @spiderman

WHY DID MY ████ GET CENSORED?!

11 July 2020 ·  2:49 PM

sBIderman @spiderman

What the ████. ████ ███████. Are there any █████████████ words i can ███████ type

11 July 2020 ·  2:52 PM

sBIderman @spiderman

█████ ███ ████████ ██ ██ █ ██████ ██ ███ █████ ███ █ █████ ████ ████ ██████ ███ █ ███ ██ ███ █████ ███████ ████████ █ █████ █████ ██ ████ ████

11 July 2020 ·  2:54 PM

sBIderman @spiderman

@hawkeye I AM EATING YOUR KNEE CAPS FOR LUNCH

Caw Caw @hawkeye
replying to @spiderman

@tonystark COME GET YOUR KID HE IS SCARING ME AGAIN

#IronDad @tonystark
replying to @hawkeye @spiderman

Kid! You can't threaten to eat people's kneecaps when you're upset, we talked about this. It's not even one of your powers.

sBIderman @spiderman
replying to @hawkeye @tonystark

NOT ███████ YET IT’S NOT!!

11 July 2020 ·  3:02 PM

Daily Bugle @thedailybugle

Breaking News: Local menace threatens bodily harm to Avengers. Someone needs to take control of this foul mouthed web-slinging vigilante — read more here

sBIderman @spiderman
replying to @thedailybugle

Get ██████

Chapter Text

25 July 2020 ·  8:52 PM

sticky boi @spiderman

a friend of mine came out to me as nonbinary this weekend, and like, yay!

25 July 2020 ·  8:53 PM

sticky boi @spiderman

i thought the hardest adjustment for me would be using new pronouns for them

25 July 2020 ·  8:53 PM

sticky boi @spiderman

but it's actually the heavy weight of the realization of how gendered the english language is as a whole

25 July 2020 ·  8:54 PM

sticky boi @spiderman

what if my enby friend punches a racist in the face (👏 as 👏 they 👏 should 👏)? what do i say? i can’t say “pop off king!” or “yass queen” 

Gay-briel @gabriel98
replying to @spiderman

"Preach, Your Highness"

xoxo Gossip Girl @jourd.on
replying to @spiderman

As you should, my liege

Mabel @perhapsmaybe
replying to @spiderman

"Ok, your majesty"

MGG <3 @mggstanaccount
replying to @spiderman

You better work, supreme leader

Brian @soupforbrains
replying to @spiderman

No objections, your honor

Mikayla @mikayla_r_93
replying to @spiderman

Period, esteemed guest

Frog @urlocalenby
replying to @spiderman

Just hit 'em with the "Yes, Chef"

Chapter Text

3 August 2020 ·  2:41 PM

sticky boi @spiderman

if i ask mr stark nicely, do you think he'd buy me a 20pc mcnugget?

Paige @paigetheplatipus
replying to @spiderman

I'd be more worried that he'd misunderstand and just buy you McDonalds instead.

Margo @gingerabouttosnap
replying to @spiderman

Ok, but why does Ironman give me the vibes that he'd go to McDonalds drive through with the avengers, then only order himself a black coffee.

Jay @queenearth__
replying to @spiderman

Publicly ask him for nuggies! We will shame him if he says no!

3 August 2020 ·  2:58 PM

sticky boi @spiderman

@TonyStark , will you buy me a 20pc mcnugget?

#IronDad @tonystark
replying to @spiderman

No.

sticky boi @spiderman
replying to @tonystark

i hope that tonight, both sides of your pillow are already warm >:'( #shameontony #justicefornuggies

3 August 2020 ·  3:03 PM

Chloe @chloephorm

@TonyStark I hope when you step on a leaf, it's not crunchy! #shameontony

Brit @thatbrittneybitch
replying to @chloephorm

He seems a bit too old to be stepping on leaves?

sticky boi @spiderman
replying to @thatbrittneybitch

you're never too old for a satisfying crunch!

3 August 2020 ·  3:03 PM

Gracie @bakaaa

I hope @TonyStark realizes he has to pee right after finally getting comfortable in bed #shameontony

3 August 2020 ·  3:03 PM

Black Widow #1 Stan @natasharoombanoff

I hope the moment that @TonyStark sits down, someone asks him to do something #shameontony

Gary @sluttyfrenchtoast
replying to @natasharoombanoff

Like he would actually get up and help someone

Black Widow #1 Stan @natasharoombanoff
replying to @sluttyfrench toast

True, then I hope the moment he sits down, something inconvenient happens!

3 August 2020 ·  3:05 PM

Riley @rileysmiley

#shameontony , I hope he forgets to shake the ketchup and only gets the watery bits

Emma @esemma
replying to @rileysmiley

And those watery bits go all over his fries and leave them soggy and gross! #shameontony

sticky boi @spiderman
replying to @rileysmiley @esemma

:o evil!

3 August 2020 ·  3:05 PM

Carrie @instantpotatoes

I hope @tonystark goes up a flight of stairs only to forget why he went up them in the first place and he doesn't remember until he's gone back down, thus he has to go back up them again #shameontony

3 August 2020 ·  3:06 PM

McDonald's @McDonalds

We hope that @TonyStark 's food is always slightly cold in the middle, unlike our 20pc McNugget. We've sent you a DM, @spiderman . #shameontony #justicefornuggies

Chapter Text

7 August 2020 ·  8:23 AM

sticky boi @spiderman

i'm @'ing someone who still sleeps with a nightlight @hawkeye

Caw Caw @hawkeye
replying to @spiderman

I wouldn't have to if you'd stop hanging from the ceiling in my room!

sticky boi @spiderman
replying to @hawkeye

>< that's not how this works. don't talk back, just @ someone new!

Caw Caw @hawkeye
replying to @spiderman

Fine!

7 August 2020 ·  8:35 AM

Caw Caw @hawkeye

I'm @'ing someone who thinks Budapest was a vacation.

7 August 2020 ·  8:42 AM

Natasha @BlackWidow

Weak. I'm @'ing someone who adopts every sad, stray teenager without a father figure in their life that he sees. @tonystark.

7 August 2020 ·  8:50 AM

#IronDad @tonystark

I would just like the record to show that it's only been two Sad, Stray Teenagers (TM). I'm @'ing someone who likes to go out for the early bird special. @starspangledman

7 August 2020 ·  8:59 AM

Cap @starspangledman

I'm tagging someone who is shorter than I am. @buckybarnes

7 August 2020 ·  9:02 AM

JBB @buckybarnes

'm @'Ing someone Who thinks he is Cool. @thefalcon

7 August 2020 ·  9:05 AM

Sam Wilson @thefalcon

I'm @'ing the person who got stuck in a vent for two days and literally no one noticed he was missing. @hawkeye

7 August 2020 ·  9:07 AM

Caw Caw @hawkeye

:'( I'm @'ing the people who got their asses handed to them by a literal child. @thefalcon @buckybarnes

Sam Wilson @thefalcon
replying to @hawkeye

Dude, the kid said you can only take one person.

JBB @buckybarnes
replying to @hawkeye @thefalcon

besides, we Let the kid Win.

#IronDad @tonystark
replying to @hawkeye @thefalcon @buckybarnes

The footage says otherwise.

JBB @buckybarnes
replying to @tonystark

how Do we know that You didn't doctor the Footage.

#IronDad @tonystark
replying to @buckybarnes

Okay, fess up. Who the heck taught you how to make a twitter? Did they conveniently forget to teach you how to type?

JBB @buckybarnes
replying to @tonystark

spiderMan set it up for Me. he Said it would Annoy you.

Sam Wilson @thefalcon
replying to @tonystark

does This bother you tOny?

Caw Caw @hawkeye
replying to @tonystark

i don't Get what is So Wrong?

#IronDad @tonystark
replying to @buckybarnes @thefalcon @hawkeye

I will literally launch all three of you out of the tower right now.

7 August 2020 ·  9:26 AM

Shuri @wakandanprincess

Oo the girls are fighting. 🎟️🎟️🎟️🎟️🎟️ selling tickets.

Chapter Text

17 November 2020 ·  12:15 PM

error 404: spider found @spiderman

heeeeeyyyy…………

. @eternalsunshines
replying to @spiderman 

holy shit

Special Agent Enby @tkths2rgrv
replying to @spiderman

It’s been 84 years!

Mia @ItsMiaLisa 
replying to @spiderman

We have been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

aaaaa @agentpotato
replying to @spiderman

Dude, I thought you ghosted us!

17 November 2020 ·  12:32 PM

psta @p0427

@spiderman where have you been?!

error 404: spider found @spiderman
replying to @p0427

i got locked out :’(

psta @p0427
replying to @spiderman

for 3 months?

Misty @mistyeyedsadness
replying to @p0427 @spiderman

has it really been only three months? Felt more like five years.

psta @p0427
replying to @spiderman

could you not just… reset your password?

error 404: spider found @spiderman
replying to @p0427

in theory yes

error 404: spider found @spiderman
replying to @p0427

in practice

error 404: spider found @spiderman
replying to @p0427

no

error 404: spider found @spiderman
replying to @p0427

unfortunantly

error 404: spider found @spiderman
replying to @p0427

you see, my account was linked to a phone number, which i don’t actually have anymore, because, i dropped it off the statue of liberty

error 404: spider found @spiderman
replying to @p0427

and i will not be taking follow up questions on why i was on top of the statue of liberty 

17 November 2020 ·  12:46 PM

error 404: spider found @spiderman

anyways! what did i miss?

 .1 @1kss
replying to @spiderman

Nothing much. Just the crushing weight of life and responsibility.

error 404: spider found @spiderman
replying to @1kss

awesome, i was hoping to avoid that

17 November 2020 ·  1:02 PM

. @eternalsunshines

Why couldn’t you just ask your AI to log you back in?

error 404: spider found @spiderman
replying to @eternalsunshines

i needed the struggle to build character

17 November 2020 ·  2:05 PM

SpiderWatch @officialspidernews

After a 3 month hiatus that some are claiming to have felt like much longer, Spider-Man has returned to twitter! #welcomebackspidey

Bennie @beaniebennie
replying to @officialspidernews

#welcomebackspidey we missed you!

Sara no H @saraaaa
replying to @officialspidernews

my timeline will be blessed with meme content once more #welcomebackspidey

Brian @doublewhammy
replying to @officialspidernews

Why are we celebrating this?

Sara no H @saraaaa
replying to @officialspidernews @doublewhammy

You know you can literally just block and mute things you do not want to see, right?