tell me about despair
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Summary
eddie's not entirely sure he believes in getting help, at least not for himself. there's only so much healing to be had for a body torn apart by bullets, for a mind that's only half there, for a man who's been leaving pieces of himself behind all his life with nothing to take their place.
except, as it turns out, falling apart happens in increments, and healing does, too: it happens when you gnaw a hole in your lip trying to keep quiet only to have the words escape; when you realize that the ghost you've been seeing out of the corner of your eye is yourself; when your best friend smiles, and you allow it to take your breath away.
it happens through the smallest of things: bird feeders, and cacti, and pasta shapes.
meanwhile, the world goes on.
(or: the entity often affectionately referred to as the unrepression fic.)
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- Part 1 of tell me about despair
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Buck probably thinks Eddie’s freezing up because he’s remembering the time before Buck, except he isn’t, because he can’t. Buck came along and redefined what it means to touch, to be touched.
And Eddie doesn’t know to explain that. He doesn’t know how to split the whole thing into parts.
How to say: I want you more than I have ever wanted anything. I want you close, and here, and always.
I don’t know how to let you take what I want you to have.
in which eddie can almost, almost let himself have everything with buck. it takes one google invite, one therapist, and a never-ending series of stops and starts to figure out why the almosts keep happening.
(a coda to tell me about despair.)
Series
- Part 2 of tell me about despair