Chapter Text
The first time Isak almost met Even, was when there was a party at the first year Emma`s house. Emma invited both Sonja and Even, and Isak and the boys, in addition to almost all the pupils at Hartvig Nissen school. Emma and Sonja were having a good time at the party. While the girls chatted, Even talked to Sana, the little sister of one of his former best buddies. Sana and Even became friends that night. Isak was at the party too, but he was pissed that he never managed to get beer for the party, and scared to meet Emma, so he spent most of the time smoking pot with his bros. He went home early, feeling a little lost and lonely. Even was glad he had gotten a friend in Sana, but felt bored and sad, and had a nagging feeling he had missed something. He stopped taking his meds that night.
Isak: The Church
Isak hoists the heavy backpack higher on his shoulders, pulls the travel bag and steps off the aerobus. Fuck, he mutters to himself over the heavy luggage, relieved that he has sent the rest of his belongings by mail to his mother’s address. Oslo. He enjoys the feeling of the cold air in his face and looks around, while the bus coughs up behind him and drives on. So, here I am again.
It's the middle of the day, and the October sun shines on the buildings around him. Here are the same streets and buildings as when he lived here as a kid. Of course, he has been back several times, visiting his parents at Christmas and in the summer, but it still feels different this time, now that he is back for good. It must be about six years since he finished at Hartvig Nissen and moved to Trondheim.
His phone pings, and he picks it up.
SANASOL
Sana: Hi, Isak. You're back in Oslo?
Isak: Yeah, I am. Freaks me out a bit, but it`s ok. You good?
Sana: Same old, you know.
Isak: Hope you and your man are fine?
Sana: Oh, we're good. He does the cooking, and I earn the money.
Isak: You go gurl.
Sana: Yeah. Hope to see you soon. I have to run. @work.
Isak: TTYL Sanasol
Sana: Later, Isabell
Isak discovers that he has an unopened message from his mom.
MAMMA.
Mamma: You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not worship them or serve them… (Exodus 20:4)
A sinking feeling coils in his gut. A Bible verse again. Isak decides to ignore it; he can't respond to that right now. He stands for a moment on the pavement, shifting the weight from one leg to the other. So, back in Oslo. Isak doesn’t know what he feels. He can’t exactly say he’s happy to be back. He grew up here, but he doesn’t know if he belongs here anymore.
Fuck, why did I come back?
Well, he has missed Oslo, after all, and his friends, he must admit that. Sana is a good friend, and Jonas was as close as a brother once. Sadly, they aren’t that close anymore. Isak shuts his eyes for a moment, and tries not to think about it. The sun shines on him and warms his neck, but the air is cold, promising that the winter will come soon. His T–shirt, hoodie and pants are still clammy under his jacket, from the flight. Isak starts to move, even if he doesn’t know where to go. It has been a nightmare trying to find an apartment in Oslo. He has finally found one, has signed a contract and paid the deposit a week ago, but just got a message earlier today that he couldn’t move in yet. The landlord said something about a misunderstanding and the previous person still living there. Isak doesn’t know what to do. He knows he has the rights on his side, but there isn’t much he can do today. He can't stay with his mother, since she has a small nursing apartment, and he just doesn't want to bother his father. So, hotel it is. And he can try to fix everything in the morning.
He walks with long, quiet steps. There's no reason to be quick, and he can decide which hotel to sleep in later. He stares at the pavement in front of him. Things are a bit shitty at the moment, he has to admit. Right now, he has no place to stay, no boyfriend, no job. Well, that isn’t exactly true; he has a possibility to work as a biology teacher at Hartvig Nissen, but he's not particularly tempted.
Most people his age have jobs, houses and cars, and some even start to have kids. Whereas he has almost everything he owns in the backpack and suitcase. The thought gives him an uneasy feeling in his gut. It hadn’t been his intention to come home like this. He was going to come back with a good education, safe job and a bright future ahead of him. He had been close, too; he had studied at the university, and did well. But he never found a job that he wanted. On top of that, he hadn’t quite managed to make friends in Trondheim. He had made a couple of acquaintances, and had enjoyed some hookups, but still ended up spending most of his time home alone. It was like his whole life was on hold, waiting for something.
Isak stops. He has been walking without seeing where he is going, and has ended up in front of Sagene Church, of all places. Wow, he must have been totally lost in his thoughts. He stares at the building and notices a strange feeling in his belly. The last time he was here must have been back when he was in second grade at Nissen, but he still remembers it quite vividly. It had been a Christmas concert with Nils Bech, which was not his type of music, really, but it still made him feel things. He was there thanks to his dad, who had blackmailed him to come with him and his mom, so he would pay Isak’s rent. Things had been pretty awkward between them back then. But the reason that he still remembers that concert wasn't the awkward hugs with his parents, or the polite small talk between them.
Isak stares at the church, remembering. He recalls the strange, melancholy music; it was like Nils Bech was singing to him, making him feel things he didn’t know he could feel. He had especially felt this during that Christmas song “O Helga Natt”. – And the ray of hope passes through the world – His bright voice had stabbed him right in his chest. – and the light is shimmering over land and sea – At one point it was almost like the music took him somewhere else. – People, fall to your knees, and happily honor your freedom – Actually, it was like he was splitting in two, like he was in two places at the same time. One version of him was sitting, breathing heavily with tears in his eyes, next to his parents, while the other version was rushing out of the church, running to find and save a loved one. It lasted just for a moment, but it was a bizarre feeling. O holy night, indeed.
He remembers one more thing from that concert. He remembers a ridiculously hot guy, lean and blonde, with bright eyes and a swoopy James Dean hair, sitting next to him. Making him flushed and breathless. Isak doesn't quite know how he can remember this guy so well after seven years, but he does. It was like one of those times when you meet some stranger, when you sit or stand next to someone on the bus or in a queue, and you feel that invisible connection, that “what if this is the one” feeling, and you start to fantasize about what would happen if you took the initiative, or said something. Isak had allowed himself to imagine the two of them getting to know each other, leaning in on each other, whispering secrets in each other’s ears, flirting, becoming friends, and maybe… maybe something more? He knew he should try to say something.
Isak never did, though. He just sat there, full of fruitless emotions and dreams, letting the music wash over him, and stealing secret glances at the boy next to him. Feeling the burn from his body. The guy had looked just as lost in the music as Isak had felt. His eyes glittered and shone in the lights from the candles, and his lips were parted in a small smile. Isak had never felt such a sudden urge to kiss someone, or lose himself in someone, before.
Isak remembers that he just couldn’t keep his eyes from him. He tried to rest his eyes on the musicians or the decorations, but they were drawn back to that guy, again and again. To be honest, he wanted to drown in those shining eyes, bury his hands in that soft hair, and taste those plush lips. His mind was all about want. When the other’s ice blue eyes finally met Isak`s, it was like the guy saw right into him. Isak`s face burned, his heart started to beat crazily fast, and he looked down at his hands, terrified that the other one saw through him, saw what he wanted. Then he noticed that the guy had a notebook and pencil in his lap, with some dark and slightly funny drawings and notes. The guy followed his glance, and raised his eyebrows.
Isak smiled. – Cool drawings.
The guy looked at him. – You like them?
His voice was dark, Isak remembers.
– Yeah, he said.
The guy wrote something in the book and showed it to him:
Do you take the reference?
Isak stared at him. The stranger smiled back at him and raised his eyebrows. The bright smile alone made Isak lose his breath, and it was like he couldn't think. Reference? He had only looked confused at the guy, and felt a little self–conscious, worried that he still was teary eyed.
The guy wrote fast on his notebook again, looking eager and a bit intense. He looked at Isak with raised eyebrows and showed him the notebook:
The cross, the roses and the candles –
ROMEO+JULIET, by BAZ LUHRMANN –
You should check it out.
Shit, what was it? A poem? Isak had read the words and squinted his eyes. No, it was something about a movie. Aha. This guy was a movie nerd, apparently, with a taste for romantics and drama. Isak smiled a half smile. And that was when he should have whispered something to the guy. Something about the music, maybe, or a joke, just something to keep the conversation going. He wanted to. But he didn’t. He just blushed, smiled a little to the stranger, and nodded. Then he looked back at the decoration in the church, the big cross with flowers, the candles, and the quartet dressed in blue.
Something kept him from looking back at the guy, maybe it was because of the strange feelings the flowers and candles gave him, maybe because he was embarrassed of his own emotions, or maybe it was just because he didn’t know what to say. The stranger never left his awareness, though. He sensed the warmth from his whole body next to him during the whole concert, and he felt his knees bumping into his the whole time. Actually, it was impossible to avoid, the other guy spread his ridiculously long legs so wide the whole time.
When the concert was over and they stood up, it had been like someone had turned off a hot oven next to him. Then he had noticed that the blonde stranger had someone with him. Next to him stood a grown woman with eyes that shone just like his, and Isak concluded that she had to be his mother. There also was a beautiful girl with short blonde hair, who clung to the boy`s arm and kissed him.
Girlfriend.
Of course. He should have known. Isak still remembers the horrible cold, sinking feeling in his stomach. Of course he had a girlfriend. And why did he even care? He didn’t even know the guy, and he would never have gotten the courage to talk to him, anyway. Isak stole a last glance at the stunning boy, who was lost in a kiss with his girl, and turned away. He walked out of the church with his parents, feeling a bit dizzy and short of breath.
Outside, it was snowing. Isak used to love snow, but now he just felt cold. He chatted politely with his parents some minutes before he went home, and decided to forget that lean, long legged, blue eyed charmer. Still, that dizzy feeling stayed with him the whole evening. And Isak is sure that was the night he finally acknowledged that he had to stop hiding that he liked boys, and that he had to start living again. It took some time before he dared to come out for real, but at least he started to think that he wanted to.
Isak wrinkles his eyebrows, walking towards the church entrance. That was ages ago, and now he is supposed to be a grown up. But is he, really? Isak has studied and worked for years, and still feels like an imposter. He feels like he is pretending to be a grown up; pretending to know what he is doing. This last year he had started to think that he could not bear one more year of feeling so inadequate and alone. He has no job, no real friends and no one to love. He feels like such a fake and a failure, it`s ridiculous.
– Hey you, excuse me, can you stop there?
A dark, soft voice interrupts his thoughts.
– Huh?
Isak stops, and turns around. A tall, lean guy with a camera comes towards him, with a big, bright smile on his face. His hair is swoopy and messy, like he has been standing on his head or something. He raises his eyebrows, greeting him. – Halla.
– Halla.
Isak feels like he has seen the guy before, but he can’t quite place him. In fact, he feels a bit embarrassed to be in the way, so he doesn’t dare to look too much at him.
– You see, I am filming, would you mind waiting a bit?
The man’s voice is dark, and reminds Isak of something soft and warm, like honey. Usually Isak would have minded something like this, but he feels weirdly emotional today, so he doesn’t argue. – Uh, yeah, no, I don't mind.
He steps out of the way, while the other guy works on his camera. The guy looks focused, his dark blonde fluffy hair falling into his eyes. – You aren’t here for the funeral, I hope? I’ll be quick, I just want a shot before the sun gets too low.
Funeral? Isak hadn’t realized there was one. Now he sees the church door is open, and the stairs are decorated with flowers.
– No, I’m just taking a look at the church, he says, and the other guy looks up at him.
When their eyes meet, Isak has to catch his breath. The man has intense blue eyes, and is rosy in his cheeks because of the cold. Isak feels his mouth drops open when he realizes that he has seen this guy before. His heart starts beating faster. He would never forget those blue eyes and raised eyebrows, or those lips. This man is older, but he is still the same. It is the guy from that Christmas concert seven or eight years ago.
I was just thinking about him!
For a moment, Isak almost wonders if the guy has materialized from his thoughts. That’s ridiculous, of course. It must just be a weird coincidence.
Isak can’t look away. He just can’t. It is like those blue eyes hold him, and look right into him. His face burns, his heart races, all kinds of feelings tumble in his belly. His hands feel heavy, like they long to touch the other guy, making sure he is real. Isak struggles to shut his mouth and not look like an idiot.
Luckily, the other man looks a bit confused too.
– Uh, have I seen you before? he asks, with his intense eyes fixed at Isak`s face.
Isak comes with a strange sound that is a mix between a laugh and a hiccup. What can he answer to that? He can’t admit that he remembers this gorgeous, swoopy haired guy (and his girlfriend) from a concert seven years ago? That would be really revealing.
The other guy is still looking at him, waiting for an answer.
– Isn’t that kind of a cliché? Isak finally manages, trying to present a crooked smile.
The guy laughs, still looking at him. – I guess so. But I really think I have seen you.
He says it like a truth, and not a question. Isak’s heart beats an extra beat, and he just can’t hold it in longer.
– I, uh, I think you are right, he says, finally. His cheeks burn. – We must have met. I’m not sure where.
That`s a lie. I know exactly where.
– Here.
Isak almost gives a new sound, surprised at the quick answer. He manages to stop himself, just swallowing.
The other guy grins now, staring at him with wonder in his blue eyes. – It was here, I remember. You were here, it’s quite a long time ago. At a Christmas concert.
– Yeah, Isak admits at last, finally breaking the gaze, looking at the ground. – That must be it. Nils Bech, right? With the... eh… Romeo + Juliet decorations?
– Yeah! You remember!
Isak`s stomach does a flip when the swoopy haired guy laughs out loud, throwing his head back. Isak has to look at him longer. He doesn’t understand it; it is like the man is glowing every time he smiles.
– I recommended that movie, didn’t I? Did you watch it?
Isak nods.
The big smile that flashes towards him makes him dizzy.
– Good! It was my favorite movie at the time; I guess that’s partly why I remember the whole thing so vividly.
Those eyes. The guy looks at him like he’s studying something interesting. Isak can’t look away.
– Ok, yeah.
Why is his heart beating like this? Isak tries to breathe slowly, to calm down. He doesn’t know what more to say, though. This whole thing is so unreal. He licks his lips.
– This is crazy, though. You know that’s almost eight years ago?! And we meet at the same place? What a bizarre coincidence… It's insane, really.
The other guy’s smile falters just a little, and he nods, and looks at his camera. – Yes, it really is… something. But I, uh, have to film this. Can you wait a little?
Isak nods, and steps further away, watching as the tall man films some stills, focused concentration during the whole process. Isak freezes a little in the cold, but uses the opportunity to look more closely at the other man, without being detected. The guy has a relaxed, easy way of moving his body. A stubborn lock of his swoopy hair lives its own life and bounces when he moves. He wears blue jeans, and Isak can see a white t–shirt and a blue hoodie under his winter jacket. He looks handsome, but there is also something goofy about him, like he doesn’t have a clue about how good he looks.
– So. If you are not here for the funeral, what brings you here?
Isak swallows, he’ll never get used to those piercing eyes. – As I said, I just wanted to have a look at the church.
He laughs, feeling a bit silly. His hand goes up to his neck, and massages an ache that in truth isn’t there. The other guy`s eyes follow his movement, and Isak feels the heat in his head.
– You see, I just came back to Oslo, and, I don’t know, maybe I am a bit nostalgic.
The guy looks from him to his bags. – You’ve been away for a long time?
– Yeah. Studied in Trondheim. About six years.
Isak is met with a big grin, that makes him shiver.
– You must be a smart guy, then. So you just came back? Today?
– Yup.
Isak finally starts to get control over his voice. – Back for good, I guess.
He doesn't know if he's pleased over the fact, or not. Or if the other man can tell. He seems to look at him for a moment.
– We could go inside, you know, the guy says. – If you really want to have a look.
Isak wrinkles his eyebrows. – We don’t even know who died.
The other guy tips his head to the side, like he thinks about it. – It seems like there aren’t many people who did. I have been here a while now, and not many people have come. I think no one will mind if we slip into the back of the church.
He pauses. – Actually, I could use some images from the inside, to use in my project. What do you think?
– Okay.
Isak surprises himself with his answer. He isn’t particularly interested in churches, or funerals. But he still wants to see the inside of that church again. Something makes him curious. And he must admit that he wants to spend some more time with this blonde guy, even if nothing comes of it (he had a girlfriend, after all). He smiles at the guy.
– I’m Isak, by the way, he says. – Isak Valtersen.
The other man smiles back, and takes his hand.
– Even Bech Næsheim. Nice to meet you, Isak. Again, I should say. You coming?
Even backs off from him, while he`s still talking, and walks in long strides towards the church. Isak looks bewildered at him for a moment, before he follows him.
When they walk up the stairs, they can hear the pipe organ, and Even laughs a little. He looks at Isak over his shoulder. – Oh, I heard this awful joke this morning, he says, in a quiet voice. – What do you call an erection when listening to hymns?
Isak looks at him, expecting the worst. – What?
– An organ boner.
– Jesus Christ…
That was lame. Even only grins. The grin does something to Isak, it gives him a feeling of tightness in his chest. He huffs and shakes his head over the bad joke. This guy is unreal.
When they get inside, they hear the last notes of a psalm, “My Heart Always Lingers”, sung by thin, trembling voices accompanied by the pipe organ: For you, for you alone I will live and die. Isaks` smile fades, while he leaves his heavy bags at the entrance.
The church looks very different in the daylight. It is more realistic, in a way, calmer, and not so dreamy. Come, let my soul find its right moment of joy for you. There are just a handful of people in the front row, and a simple coffin with flowers in front of the altar. That you were born here in the deep of the heart. Isak and Even slip into one of the rows in the back, and sit down, as the music dies away. Isak feels Even`s presence like a warm glow on his left side.
Even leans in on him. – Seems like I was right, he whispers, – there are really not many mourners here.
– True.
Isak nods, and glances quickly at Even, who is studying what`s happening at the altar. A dark golden lock of his hair has fallen into his eyes, and Isak feels an urge to stroke it back. Pointless, a little voice whispers. He had a girlfriend, remember? But pointless or not, he still wants to.
He forces himself to look away, lifts his eyes and watches the high ceiling as the priest starts to talk about the deceased. It’s difficult to hear all her words from the back of the church, but Isak manages to pick up that the old man had been hard working all his life, but that he seemed to prefer to be alone. The man had a natural thirst for knowledge, and was given the title of “bookworm” as a child. He never seemed to mind, but seemed to be proud of it. He used to speak his mind, and lost some friends because of it. He had never married, and had no children. He had left his savings to some distant relatives and to a good cause. It is a sad story, really. Even though Isak doesn’t know the man, a sadness overwhelms him, and he feels tears well up in his eyes. Fuck, when did he start to be so emotional?
Even leans closer. – This was a bit heavy, he whispers. – Do you want to leave?
Isak doesn’t know. The feeling of the warmth from Even`s body next to him mixed up with his own weird sadness and longing, makes him choke up. – It's okay, he whispers.
But then the organ starts playing, and the little group of people in the front starts to sing another psalm. The sound of the melancholy hymn and the thin voices is oddly gripping: To live, it is to love/ the best your soul could reach/ to live it is in work/ searching richer goals. The words hit Isak hard, thinking about the lonely life of the deceased, and how it mirrors his own boring life. Shit. He swallows and fights back the tears. Afraid that Even will notice, he starts to look at the walls, the decorations, the coffin and the flowers. The setting reminds him of that concert years ago, and it doesn't help.
To live, it is to find / the largest value in life; Isak gazes at Even. He looks like he is lost in his thoughts, listening to the song. The sunlight from the church windows flickers over his face and makes his eyes sparkle. There's something vulnerable about his expression. He is gorgeous. He is everything Isak wants and can't have. He doesn’t know if he wants to hold Even, kiss him, cry or rage. This is just too much. He looks down at his feet, trying to control his feelings. To live, it is to win / the truth in all your doings. He remembers that strange feeling he had during “O Helga Natt” all those years ago, and he thinks about his own life, and the life he could have had, and something makes his heart beat faster and his breath shallower. To live, it is to lay/ all wrongs and lies in the grave.
One moment he has this vision, of himself in another life, where he has chosen love, and living for real, where he laughs and cries and lives, and it takes his breath away. It's bizarre, but he sees himself with Even, with this guy next to him, and they do everything together; they kiss, laugh, fuck, fight and cry and kiss again, and it can't be right, because it almost feels like memories. Memories from another life that never was. To live, it is like the ocean, / to mirror the heavens.
What is happening to him? Isak can’t breathe. It is like he is trapped.
He feels a warm hand on his shoulder. – Are you ok?
He can feel Even`s eyes on him, but doesn't know how to look back, or how to answer. The overwhelming emotions feel like they are trapped in his chest, and he can’t breathe. He needs to breathe. He needs to breathe!
He stands up, gasping.
– I have to go, he whispers, without looking at Even.
He feels the heat of Even`s eyes on him when he walks. His pulse drums in his ears and he feels dizzy. He walks as silent and fast as he can out through the door. His hands are shaking, grabbing the door handle. When he comes out to the entrance of the church, he stops by his bags, bending over them, gripping the wall with his hands, fighting for his breath. Tears sting behind his eyes. Shit. Fuck. What was this? Was it anxiety or something? Hallucinations? Was he losing his mind?
Even: The Walk
Isak is standing by the entrance of the church, breathing heavily, resting his forehead against the wall. He looks so lost that Even wants to hug him. Even walks closer. He wants to hold this young man tight, and to touch the soft curls in his neck, but knows he can't. He puts his hand carefully on Isak`s shoulder. – You alright?
The last tones of the hymn linger while Isak breaths. Even rests both hands on his shoulders now, and he hopes the touch calms Isak, and grounds him somehow. It seems like the young man has had some sort of panic attack, or at least a formidable reaction about something.
– Yeah, I…
Isak is slowly getting his breath back, it seems. – I… I don’t know what this is; it never happened before, it was just… too much, I don’t know.
Too much. Even knows that feeling. He has bipolar disorder, after all, and it`s not only about the highs and the lows. For Even, everything is too much, sometimes. Sometimes everything is enhanced. Every sound, every smell, every sight is too much. He knows anxiety like an old friend too. Or rather an enemy. He fears to be in big crowds of people, he fears to not be good enough, and he fears to lose the ones he love. Even also has a fear of death. He can sometimes close his eyes and he sees death right in front of him. Even if he uses medicines, he still has these fears. Even sighs. It is a bit ironic to think that he once had a strong death wish, a wish no longer exists, and now he is afraid of death. He doesn`t want to die anymore, he wants to live. And still the death is with him somehow.
– It's okay, he says. – Shit happens.
Isak stands up again, but not looking at Even. – This was just so... sad, and it’s been a long day, so... I’m just overreacting, I guess.
Even doesn't say anything. He had felt the sadness inside the church, too, and the music, and there was a second when he almost felt like he was in another place or time, but the feeling vanished just as quickly, and he thought it just was one of his moments. One of these small instants where reality blurs out a little. It probably was. He still feels kind of lightheaded.
Now he just wishes he could take away the sadness in this beautiful Isak, and make him smile again. It's so weird how he suddenly appeared in front of the church, their church, after all these years. His golden boy. Even had thought about him several times, regretting that he never got his number, or at least got his name.
He still remembers how miserable he was, and how he hated his last year at Bakka. He did his best and worked as hard as he could. Tried hard to keep stable. Just as his parents and his girlfriend at the time, Sonja, tried, too. And he went to school, and he took his medication, and he slept every night and ate healthy meals. And everything was so desperately boring, and controlled. And then he saw this blonde young boy at that church concert, looking awkward and weirdly lonely with his parents. His golden curls shone in the candle lights, like a crown. His eyes were dark green and looked like they hid a world of secrets. His mouth`s upper bow made Even want to kiss him, and he had a dimple in his chin that he wanted to touch.
The golden boy had captivated Even, even if he sat next to Sonja. Even didn`t care. That should probably have told him that he was on his way up, that he was slipping, but he said to himself it was just because they were growing apart. He knew he loved Sonja, and depended on her, but they were more friends than anything else at the point, to be honest.
As he had watched the young boy next to him, with the golden curls and the dark, green eyes, he didn’t think of her at all. The boy was the only thing that mattered in that moment. He had this cocky expression mixed with sad eyes, and it made Even curious. Even remembers that he wanted so badly to talk to him, and make him smile. Let his fingers stroke through his soft hair and over his neck. Kiss him and taste his lips. The warmth from his body had made him tingle all over. And when the artist sang O Holy Night, and he was surrounded by those candles and roses and everything, he could almost see himself and the boy together, like a couple in a colorful Baz Luhrmann movie, and it made him lose his breath. It seemed so real that he could sense it. He wondered for a second if it was hypomania or one of his strange moments, but didn't care. He just wanted it. He even talked a few words to the boy, and tried to write some words to him.
But then the moment was over, and the concert too. Sonja clutched his arm, and kissed him. And since he was dazed by longing, lust and guilt, he kissed her back. When he lifted his head again, the beautiful boy was gone, leaving Even with a sinking feeling of disappointment. He never saw the golden-haired boy again, but that was the night he broke up with Sonja, and decided to never use anyone as a crutch again.
Of course, Even was a bit hypomanic at the time, but his parents helped him stay in control. He chose to focus on school and making films for a while. After school ended, he moved away – to a film school abroad where his parents couldn’t babysit him anymore. There, he must admit, he took everything to an extreme. He studied too much, partied too much, drank too much and fucked too much. That is, when he wasn't so depressed that he locked himself indoors for weeks. He didn't last for long like that. When he came home to Oslo a year ago, he was wrecked. He has been in Oslo this last year, and he has realized he needs the stability, after such a long time of instability. His life is all about medication, treatment, sleep and a balance of everything.
It depresses him a bit, though.
Now Isak turns around, facing him, and Even is forced to drop his hands from his shoulders. His looks still take Even`s breath away, just as they did in the church back when they were kids. Isak is still golden, but far from a boy, even if Even can see he still has sort of a boyish charm. Despite that impression, he is a man, with strong features and dark, green eyes. Even still feels the overwhelming want in his hands, the want to hold him, and the want to sense his skin. He has this excitement in his body and buzzing feeling in his fingers, something that makes him wonder if he is starting to become manic again, so he holds back.
Need to stay in control.
Isak meets his gaze for a moment, looking a bit embarrassed, and Even smiles at him.
– Okay, Even says, and tries to sound reassuring. – It seems like you are better now. But if it’s okay, I want to follow you to wherever you are going. Just to be sure you are all right.
Smooth. Even is quite pleased with himself.
Isak looks embarrassed, avoiding his eyes. – There’s no need to, really.
– No, I know, but still.
Even is determined to follow Isak for a little longer. This coincidence is too huge to just let him disappear.
Isak sighs, and scratches his hair. Then he laughs a little. – I really don’t know where to go, though. I am renting an apartment, but the previous tenant hasn’t moved out yet.
Even`s eyebrows shoot up.
Isak`s voice is still a bit shaky, but becomes steadier as he talks. – It was something about a misunderstanding. I don’t want to beg my parents to help either. Well, I guess I will find a hotel for the night and find a solution tomorrow.
He shuts his mouth, looking like he feels he has talked too much. Even really wants to hug him.
– What's the address?
Isak tells him, and Even nods, his heart beats fast in his chest. – Pretty central, he says.
– Yeah. Uh, sorry to dump all this on you, Isak continues, throwing his hands up. – I’ll find a solution, and I can stand living at a hotel for a little while.
He looks like he doesn't have that many options. Even wants to ask him about his parents or friends, but something holds him back. He just nods. – Sure. A hotel can be fine. Where should we go, then?
– I guess I should go towards Hartvig Nissen, to find one of the hotels nearby. I have a job interview there tomorrow.
– Really?
Isak sighs. – Yeah. I have applied for several jobs, but that's the one I got an answer from. The school I went to.
He doesn't look very pleased about the thought.
Even smiles. – It’s not far from where I live. If you like, we can walk in the same direction?
– Okay.
Isak looks like he`s starting to feel better. He has some color in his face again, and his eyes are brighter.
They start to walk, Even helping him with one of the bags. Isak still looks a little embarrassed about his meltdown, but Even is proud that he manages to make him relax and forget everything, chatting and making horrible jokes.
– Do you know what a condom and a coffin got in common? he asks.
– No, what, Isak sighs, with a little smile.
– They both hold stiffs but one is cumming and one is going.
Isak laughs a little, looking a little hot in his cheeks, and rolls his eyes. – Fuck off, that’s just bad!
He looks at Even, and God, Even loves how he looks at him.
– I know, it’s horrible, Even says, and laughs out loud. – It’s a little funny, though.
Isak shakes his head, but he's still smiling. The bad joke seems to help, because Isak starts to relax, as they talk about everything from studies and hobbies, to favorite music and movies, about what they like and don’t like. When they talk, Isak looks at him with his dark green eyes, and Even can't help but meet his gaze. Something in his eyes makes Even believe there just might be something more than his imagination between them. And it gives him a fluttering feeling in his belly.
Isak tells him about his studies in biology and passion for science, and Even tells him how he went to film school, but ended up working as a media teacher, because he needed the security and wanted to keep the filming as a hobby. Well, that’s part of the truth, anyway.
He doesn’t mention that he sometimes copes badly with the responsibility and the stress that comes with working with movies. That stress makes his body sometimes go into a shutdown, it`s like a switch is turned off. That he gets sick, like a fever, and that he`s tired throughout his body, behind his heart. And then he just can't do his job. He doesn't mention that he sometimes makes reckless and bad decisions, because he is hypomanic. Luckily, Even has a job where it`s accepted that he gets sick sometimes. He has a system around him, and a good boss who sees when he starts to struggle.
Even doesn`t tell Isak all this, but a part of him wants to. Sometime. Even loves that they can talk so easily, like they had known each other for years. He only wishes they had, for real.
– I wonder what are the odds meeting someone again after such a long time? Isak muses, after a while.
– Yeah, it’s really odd, Even agrees. – I have been filming around that church sometimes the last year, though, he adds. – I guess that might have increased the likelihood of meeting me.
– You have?
– Yes. I have a bit of a fascination for it, you see. Or obsession, maybe.
Obsession is more accurate, yes.
– Okay.
Isak keeps his eyes at the pavement in front of him, looking a little embarrassed again. – I’m sorry I messed up your filming inside.
Messed up his filming? Even hesitates, before he remembers his little white lie about wanting to get some images for his project inside the church. He had only said it, so he could spend some time with Isak. He almost admits it, but manages to stop himself.
– No problem, he says. – I didn’t feel like filming more, really. Everything seemed so sad, and final.
That last part was true, anyway. The death, and the sadness of it all, was hard to face. Even didn't feel like doing anything else other than sitting there, next to Isak.
Isak looks at him, like he is a puzzle he’s trying to understand or solve, but he doesn't say anything.
They walk in silence for a while. At first the silence is pleasant, but after a while, Even can see that Isak is getting nervous. It makes him nervous, too.
– So, awesome talk, he jokes.
Isak only smiles and nods. He seems to have lost his voice.
Even chuckles. – Should I tell another joke?
Isak snorts. – Please don’t. Penis jokes are so old...
He looks at Even with laughter in his eyes. – I mean, cum on.
Even looks at him, and laughs out loud. – Isak Valtersen, a dick joke? I believe I have had a bad influence on you.
Isak grins, looking ridiculously proud that he made Even laugh. – You’re probably right.
Isak: The School
They finally reach Hartwig Nissen school, and the old building is looking just as it did all those years ago.
– So this was your old school? Even asks, and looks around.
Isak looks at the building with mixed emotions. – Yeah.
– Do you want to take a closer look? Even asks, but he doesn't wait for an answer. He backs away from Isak, moves towards the school, opens the gate and goes into the empty schoolyard.
Isak stares after him. Even is gorgeous, but also quite unpredictable. Isak still wants to follow him everywhere. He hesitates a moment, thinking about how lonely and fucked up he was when he went here. He should probably just walk away, emotional and weird as he is today. But in the end he doesn't.
– Fuck it. Just a little look, maybe, he says, and follows Even.
They find a bench, and Even leaves the bag, climbs up and sits down on the back of the bench, resting his feet on the seat. Isak follows him reluctantly, sits down next to him and looks around. Even smiles at him, leans forwards and rests his elbows on his knees. There is this new silence between them again, that makes Isak a little nervous.
– It was about six years ago that I went here, he finally says.
– Right.
Isak looks at Even. – Which school did you go to?
– Bakka.
Even glances at him, and looks ridiculously hot with his swoopy hair and bright, blue eyes.
Isak swallows, but puts on a cocky face. – That figures, he smiles. – Elvebakken is the place to go for hipster movie makers or media wannabes, isn’t it?
– Ha ha.
Even smiles at Isak, but there is something serious in his eyes. – I almost transferred to Nissen, actually, in my last year. That is, I got delayed for a year, and then I thought about changing schools.
– Really? Why?
Even`s gaze at him is thoughtful. – It’s a long story. I can tell you over a beer some time.
I can tell you. Some time. Isak likes that little promise.
– But I decided that I wasn’t that kind of person, Even continues.
Isaks looks at him. – What kind of person?
Even shrugs. – I didn’t want to be that kind of person who quits, I guess.
Isak remembers with a pang of guilt that time he made Eva hate school so much that she almost transferred to another school. And what he said to stop her, when he realized what he had done.
– I said that to a friend once, he admits. – I said “I didn't know you were someone who would just give up”. I said “If you want to change schools because things are a little fucked up, you are someone who gives up easily”.
– Yeah? What did your friend answer? Do you remember?
Isak smiles, and nods. – “I'm not five years old. You thought reverse psychology would work on me?”
Even chuckles. – I like your friend. Well, did it?
– I guess. She stayed at Nissen.
Even nods, looking at him.
Isak looks back. – You don’t strike me as a person that gives up, so I guess you made the right choice, too.
Even holds his gaze. – Maybe, he says.
Isak feels hot in his face, and he's not sure why. – You must be about my age, right? he asks.
– I’m 27.
– And I’m 25. I guess that means you would have taken your third year when I was in second, since you were delayed.
Even raises his eyebrows. – Impressive math abilities you are showing here.
Isak laughs. – It’s a pity though, he says. – I would have liked to meet you back then. I was a sneaky, grumpy kid at the time, but I think I would have liked you.
Shit. Did I just say that?
Isak feels hot in his head. He never talks like this. He shoots a quick glance at Even. Even looks back at him and his eyes are curious, like he sees something he doesn’t know how to figure out. He has a little smile on his lips.
– I know, he says. His voice is low. – It’s a pity.
Isak’s heart starts racing again. Did he just. Did he just flirt with him or something?
Even leans forward. – You know, maybe I could have lifted your spirits; since you were so grumpy, I mean.
Isak can't stop smiling; this Even is really something special. But then he remembers how Even supported him when he had the meltdown in church, and how he just decided to follow him and make sure he was okay. His smile falters. Oh, God, he hopes Even hasn`t felt obliged to follow him all this way!
– You have lifted them today, for sure, he says. – Uh, thanks. And I am okay now, you know. You don't have to take care of me or anything. I just was a bit overwhelmed back there.
– I know, Even says. – And I don't feel like I have to.
– Are you sure?
Isak feels the heat in his face. – I seem to have lost track of time, but don't you have anyone waiting for you or something?
Even smiles. – I don’t.
Isak releases a breath. No girlfriend this time, then, his blood sings. No boyfriend. Nothing. Or at least not one that`s waiting for him. The thought makes him lightheaded. His heart is beating fast again.
– That`s good, he says, and hopes that he doesn’t blush too much.
He can’t help it, he is falling for this guy, and he is falling fast. Somehow, he has this feeling that he knows Even; that he has known him for a long time, even if he never have met him before. It's such a weird feeling, and totally wrong, of course. He doesn't know Even. He`s just having an embarrassingly huge crush on him. He knows it´s just a small possibility that Even is single, and an even smaller possibility that he likes guys. But Isak hopes so. Oh, he really hopes so.
It`s truly a gamble every time he meets someone new. Isak feels like he has to come out again and again, in a never-ending story. It had taken some time to come out the first time, too. He had stopped hiding behind random hookups with girls after Emma told him that he used her, but it took him a long time to talk to someone about it. The secret had festered in him, and he had trouble sleeping. In the spring in second grade, he had finally told his protective roommate Eskild that he maybe liked boys. Unfortunately, Isak had offended Eskild in the process, being fixated on defining himself as something else than a homosexual “with mascara and tights”. He had learned something important that night, though. He had learned that homophobia didn't always come from the outside.
Then he told his best friend Jonas, and that went just as smooth as the talk to Eskild; that is, not smooth at all. He had been smashed at a russe–celebration and told Jonas everything. Everything. He even told him that he had had a crush on him in first grade, that he had contributed to Jonas and his girlfriend Eva breaking up, and he had told him how he did it. Jonas was very responsive and supportive to the fact that Isak liked boys. He was not so responsive to the fact that Isak had wrecked his relationship with Eva, though, or that he had never told him. Isak and Jonas didn’t talk so much after that.
At the next russe-celebration, Isak had fooled around with a boy from third grade, and then rumors started to take off at Nissen. Everybody talked about him, he couldn’t look Jonas in the eyes, and his other buddies, Mahdi and Magnus, were upset that he never told them. Isak felt like he had lost everything. The last year at Nissen was lonely. He still talked a bit to Eskild and the girl squad, and said hello to the boys now and then, but otherwise he was pretty much alone. The decision to move to Trondheim wasn’t difficult at all. He had buried himself in schoolwork the last months at school, and left Oslo as soon as he could. After that, he had come out several times, but he never found love.
What if he could have met someone like Even back then? What if Even had transferred to Nissen? What then?
Isak suddenly feels dizzy. He gets this weird feeling again, when it`s like he is two places at once. No that`s wrong, he's sitting at the same place, on the same bench, but in a different time, or… in a different world? Where he is younger, Even is younger, and they are smoking weed and talking. It`s like a memory from another world.
– Hey, are you okay?
Even looks closely at Isak. – You seem a bit lost in your thoughts?
Isak takes a deep breath, trying to push the weird feeling away. – Yeah, I’m okay, he says. – It must be this place, I was thinking about when I was a kid.
Even smiles, and looks like he understands, at least some things. He puts a warm hand on Isak`s shoulder, giving him a tingling feeling along his spine. – You really looked lost in time.
Isak tries to look indifferent to the touch, and smiles back. – I guess I was.
Lost in time, or lost in space, who knows.
Even looks at him, and his eyes are curious. – Did you like it here?
Isak pauses for a moment, and thinks. – Well, I had both good times and bad times, he admits. – I had a small group of friends, and I was happy with that. I managed the subjects, too. But I remember I felt like I had to put a mask on, half the time, and I didn't like it.
Even stares at him with raised eyebrows, and Isak explains: – You know, high school is a lot about fitting in and being cool. I guess I felt like I had to fake it. I was lovesick and grumpy most of the time, too.
– No kjæreste, then?
The question is light, but Even looks at him with an intensity that makes Isak`s heart beat faster. Isak has to look away. He doesn't quite know how he should answer the question. Finally, he says:
– I had a kjæreste in first grade, and I did fool around a bit, but it wasn't for real.
He doesn't want to explain the whole fake girlfriend period. At least not yet.
He wonders about Even, and his girlfriend. Maybe this is the moment he can find out things. He looks at Even, and grins.
– I bet you had one through the whole high school. Or maybe several!
Even looks surprised, but nods. – I had a girlfriend, Sonja, until christmas the last year at Bakka, he said.
Ah, that must have been the blonde girl in the church. Isak feels an irrational sting of jealousy, but tries to push it away.
Even looks out in the air. His expression is impossible to read. – After that it's been a bit more random, to be honest, he says.
Isak nods. If he should describe his love life after high school, random would be a good description, too.
While Even gazes out into space, Isak uses the opportunity to look at him, without being discovered. His heart races as he lets his eyes roam over Even’s shining eyes, swoopy hair, gorgeous cheekbones, and plush lips. It's like he loses himself in him. Even looks so damned kissable. Isak wants to taste those lips more than anything. And his long neck… Isak wants to trace his long neck with his fingers, and dig into his soft hair with his hands.
Fuck. Even looks him in the eyes. Isak blushes, smiles and looks down, and hopes that his thoughts did not show. When he takes a quick look again, Even still looks at him, but he says nothing.
He looks thoughtful. – Are you still in touch with your friends from back then? he asks.
– Not much, Isak blushes. For some reason, he wants to tell Even everything. – I have been texting with some of them. Jonas was my best friend.
Even looks at him and nods. – A friend from junior high, maybe?
– Yeah. But I fucked everything up. I eh… In third grade I admitted to him that I`d had a crush on him, and told him some shitty things I did, and, well, it hasn't been the same since.
Isak feels hot in his face. Wow, he just told Even he is gay, and that he had a stupid crush on his best friend. Even is so easy to talk to, that he didn’t even think about it.
Even stares at him. Isak doesn't know how to interpret his expression. Luckily, he can`t see judgement in his face, it's more like he`s startled and thoughtful at the same time.
– I did some truly shitty things, Isak adds, feeling brave. – My whole life was pretty bad at the time, and I was jealous and scared and I almost made his girlfriend change school.
– The one you told me about? Eva?
– Yup.
Even`s eyes shine, like Isak has said something weird and amazing.
– So this Jonas… He couldn’t forgive you?
– I don’t know, to be honest. I guess I never gave him the chance, because I was so embarrassed. I kept a lot to myself the last year at Nissen. And then I moved away, time happened, and suddenly it felt like it was too late to make contact again.
Shit. He said it. All of it.
Even nods, still with something like wonder is his eyes. – I know that feeling, he says.
Isak can't believe that a charming guy like Even can have similar feelings, but he doesn't comment on it.
Even looks like he hesitates. – You know, chances are, Jonas has forgotten this years ago?
– Yeah, probably. Eva forgave me, and I still text her sometimes. But with Jonas… We have just talked a few times since high school. It's still difficult to make that first call.
– Yeah, I know.
Even truly looks like he knows. Isak can’t believe it. He sighs a shaky sigh. He can`t believe he has told all this, either; to a man he just met. He feels ashamed, but relieved, at the same time.
– Well, I think I have reminisced enough for now, he mutters.
He stretches his back, noticing that he starts to get a bit cold. – I suppose I better find that hotel, or at least I should find a place to eat. Would you like to join me?
Oh God. That actually sounded like I asked him out.
Luckily, Even doesn’t seem to mind. He just raises his eyebrows. – Alright, I’m in, he says. – Let’s find a hotel, or have something to eat.
– Okay.
Isak tries to calm down the tingling feeling in his gut. – Okay.
Even: The Hotel
They jump off the bench, pick up the bags again, and leave the school yard. Even is a little shaken after the talk. Isak’s experiences mirrors his own so much that it’s almost scary.
Don’t go there.
Even is good at distracting himself with other things to think about. So he does. He watches Isak as they walk; he’s looking lost in his thoughts and a little tired. Even can’t help staring at him. Isak surprises him, again and again. At first Even was just shocked to meet him, and immediately attracted, then Isak seemed like a cocky brat, in the next minute he was an emotional wreck, then funny, then awkward, then brutally honest. He’s intriguing, and cute. And the looks he sends him… Those dark green, dilated eyes make him dizzy all the time.
So, when this blonde cutie asked if he wanted to join him to find a hotel, Even become short of breath. The question was maybe innocent enough, but Even’s still glad he gets the chance to follow Isak for a little longer. He doesn't want this to end yet, so he hopes they find something near his flat. Unfortunately, the first hotel they find is full. When they go back outside, Even is disappointed. The next hotels are further away from his apartment, so he can't continue to pretend like they are just walking in the same direction.
– Well, fuck.
Isak seems a bit indecisive, looking around.
– Yeah, bad luck.
Even follows his gaze. They are standing in Karl Johan, in the Alley of the Castle Park. The trees with golden leaves in the setting sun are really something. Even feels dizzy. One moment he has this image, of Isak and him, walking hand in hand, under those golden trees. Even can feel Isak`s hand in his and his shoulder bumping into his. It`s like a memory, but isn't, and it confuses him. Is it another of his moments, where the feeling of reality blurs out?
When Even was younger, he had a secret fantasy world, where he could control everything and everything was like he wanted it to. Sometimes he could decide to escape the real world for a moment. Other times he could have these feelings, where he felt like he was outside himself, or things around him was too small, or too big. This is different, it`s like this fantasy or what it is, is not in his control at all, and he doesn't feel like he is outside himself. He doesn't know what it is.
He notices that Isak is looking at him. Isak`s eyes are dark, and his cheeks and tip of the nose are rosy from the cold. Fuck, he looks gorgeous. Even swallows. Isak is something special. It`s not just the fact that he`s attractive, and smart, and charmingly awkward. Even feels that he gets sign after sign, that they belong together. Meeting him at that church (that church, that he's so drawn to) was like a sign. The fact that Even almost would have gone to the same school as him, was another. Then Isak let him know that he was gay (yeay). And then Isak told him how he had almost lost contact with his friends… There are signs everywhere.
Even knows he can't let Isak slip away. He needs to do something.
– I think we should check for hotel rooms online, before we start running all over Oslo, he says, and picks up his phone.
Isak nods in agreement. He looks a bit tired, like he`s ready to throw himself on a hotel bed. Not yet, not without me, Even wants to add, but feels ridiculous. He just met the guy; he can't think like this. He needs to stop now. He just… He just doesn't want this to be over yet.
Even stares at his phone, but finds almost no vacant rooms.
– There must be something big happening in Oslo this week; all the hotels are full.
– All of them?
– All except Plaza.
Isak looks a little disappointed, and sighs. – More walking, then. Well. I guess that`s not so close to your home anymore.
– No, I guess not, Even says, and puts away his phone. He swallows. His thoughts are spinning. Don't say we should part ways. He realizes he wants Isak to be his, more than he has wanted anything or anyone before. Don`t leave me. But he can't say it out loud, of course. He doesn’t know what Isak wants, and he doesn’t have the guts to ask. He thinks they have had a moment or two, like when he caught Isak watching him in the school yard, but he isn't certain. Isak is mostly easy to read, but whether he is attracted or not, is difficult to know for sure.
Even sighs. He knows he shouldn’t jump into anything impulsive, anyway. This buzzing feeling in his body, and these spinning thoughts, tells him that a new high is coming, and he should take it easy.
It seems like this short and weird fairytale is over.
– So…
Isaks looks at him quickly, before looking down. – Should we just find a place to eat before we part ways, then?
It's like Isak can't meet his eyes. Even wants to touch the curls at his neck, and bury his hands in his hair. The want makes him dizzy and restless, and he doesn’t know what they should do, or not. His thoughts are spinning and spinning. He doesn't want to part ways at all. But should they eat? At the moment, he can't think of food. He looks at Isak, breathless.
– Uhm, he says.
Then he doesn’t say anything more. He just stares at Isak. He wants to… He wants… He wants so much. He wants to follow Isak to the hotel, to be honest; he wants to kiss him, fuck him and drown in him. Even knows he can't say that. He feels the excitement, the buzzing in his fingers, and the restlessness in his legs. He realizes that he probably wants too much, too fast. He is slipping. If he says something, he's afraid he`s going to go on and on and never stop. He bites his lip, and says nothing.
– What?
Isak looks nervous at him, and swallows. – Shit, did I say something wrong?
Suddenly he starts to stutter and stumble with his words. – If… if you don't want to come, if I was rude or something, I'm just… sorry. You have helped me more than enough, so.
Even`s heart starts beating faster immediately. Something wrong? He can't help smiling, he almost wants to laugh. He steps closer to Isak and catches his gaze. – You didn’t say anything wrong!
Isak draws his breath, with big eyes and a ghost of a smile. – No? he asks.
– No.
Oh god, Isak looks gorgeous. His small, careful smile lights up his whole face. His green eyes are dark and deep; something to drown in.
Even realizes that he should tell the truth. He can’t let this slip away. If he takes it slow, he can keep in control. His voice is low when he continues:
– I just wanted to say I could follow you straight to the hotel instead.
Isak stares at him with wide eyes.
He feels the heat in his gut when he continues. – But then I realized it could sound a bit… reckless and… intrusive. You see, I can be a little too much sometimes, I have been told.
Well, that is an understatement. Even smiles, and hopes it doesn't look like a crazy grin. He really should not do this; he should take it easy. But he doesn't care anymore. He wants this so much he must try.
Isak: Even`s Flat
Isak stares at Even. Did he just say straight to the hotel? His heart is beating so quickly, and so hard, that it nearly hurts. He can feel the warmth reach his cheeks. Reckless and intrusive? You bet. Even`s smile is wide, and his eyes shine at Isak. Even raises his eyebrows, like a question, and something about that makes Isak shiver. He wants to grab Even and pull him closer, right then and there. He wants to kiss him, and get lost in him. He wants it so bad.
– Straight... to the hotel? he stutters.
– Yeah.
Even is still smiling a little, but his eyes are suddenly dark. Isak can’t help but stare at his lips. The thought of kissing them makes him hot all over. Even stays silent, staring directly into his eyes. Waiting. Isak should probably say something.
– Just.. like that? he manages.
– Of course. Yes.
Isak stares at Even, at his untidy hair, his glowing face and blurred gaze. A part of him wants to lunge himself at Even, and shout yes yes yes yes. This feels so right. At the same time, Isak desperately needs to have some feeling of control. What is happening here? What does Even want?
Even puts both his hands on his chest and looks him in the eyes. – I want to come with you, Isak.
Isak`s throat feels dry. He makes a sound between a cough and a laugh. Even wants to come with him, to the fucking hotel. He has dreamt of something like this so many times, but when it finally happens, he doesn't know what to do.
He stutters. – To… to do what, exactly?
He tries to make his voice sound light, but he only sounds breathless.
Even grins then. – Do you think we are going to play games or something? Even asks. He looks brave, but a little nervous, too. – To fuck, of course. Don't you want to?
– Well, faen, gasps Isak, – that`s tempting, but are you sure –
– Yes. Yes I am.
Isak shivers. – This is just a little…
He doesn't know what to say. He has had random sex before, so it's not that he`s against it. And he wants Even more than anything. At the same time, he likes Even. A lot. And he doesn't want this to be just another random experience. He swallows. – Isn't this a bit... quick?
His voice is raspy.
– Relax, don't worry.
Even cups his face with his hands, and smiles. – I am not going to bite.
Isak huffs, waiting for a lame joke, like “if you don't want to”, or something like that, but Even just smiles. His eyes are glittering.
– Okay… says Isak, in a doubtful voice.
Even`s eyes are suddenly full of laughter, and need, and determination. – Why are you so skeptical?
Isak swallows, tugging at Even`s shirt with his hands. Even`s face is so close, and his lips so inviting. Isak leans nearer, and licks his lips.
– I'm… not skeptical, but it's a bit quick, that`s all…
Even nods, almost absent mindedly. He looks in to Isak`s eyes, like he`s searching for something, or asking for a permission. Then he lets his hands drift to touch his neck, and his fingers glides into his hair. He leans his forehead against Isak`s, and lets his nose rub against his. Isak shivers.
Fuck, who am I kidding?
Of course he is coming. He wants this. More than anything. His body screams to him that he needs to be with Even. He doesn't care if it`s a random experience or something else, he just wants it.
– Okay, he breaths.
Even laughs a silent laughter. – Come here, he mutters, before his soft mouth presses against Isak’s.
The kiss is a shock to Isak`s lips, and makes ice and fire tingle through his whole body. He moans and answers the kiss with an intensity that probably surprises both of them. He opens his lips hungrily and lets himself sink into the embrace. Even`s mouth is so soft and tempting against his, and Isak puts all his longing, doubts and lust into the kiss. He kisses, licks and bites and moans into Even`s mouth
– Oh god.
Even moans too, and kisses him deeper. Isak’s hands search Even`s arms and shoulders, until he lets his fingers slide into his soft hair. Even`s body clings against his, and he can feel the warmth of his body. Oh god, they're all over each other, in the middle of the street.
– Wait, Even –
– I don't want to wait.
Even laughs a little, holding him close, and kissing and licking his neck. – Oh god, this is so good. I should take it easy, but I don't want to be reasonable. I just want you.
He grabs Isak’s butt, pulling him closer.
Isak breaths in. – Fuck.
– Yes.
This is really happening. Isak shivers, and all the blood leaves his brain. The need is like a fire in him. This is all he wants. Now.
– The hotel… too far away, he mutters, into Even`s hair.
– Yeah, too far.
Even nods, towards his neck. – My place.
His place. Fuck, this is really happening. Am I ready for it? Isak knows this is risky, just following someone he doesn't know. But it`s like he has this irresistible need, and this overwhelming feeling that they are meant to be. It`s like his body, his soul and the whole fucking universe try to tell him they belong together. And the feeling makes him dizzy. He can't protest. Doesn`t want to, either.
– Come here, Even says, again, and pulls him with him by the hand. – It's right around the corner.
Isak hesitates for only a moment, before he follows, still holding his hand. They partly run, partly walk, and stop only to kiss, and grab onto each other.
– Can`t believe this, Isak breaths into Even`s neck when they stop at a crossing. He laughs. – Fuck, I can't believe I'm back in Oslo, either.
Even looks at him, pulls him closer. – Have you seen your new flat at all? he asks as they walk, with his arm around his shoulder.
The question confuses Isak a little, but he doesn't care. – No. I have seen some photos. I just had to take a chance.
– Yeah, Even kisses his chin. – I'm sure you’ll work it out.
He smiles a little, and kisses him again.
They stop in front of a building. – Come, Even says, with his arm around Isak`s waist. – Here`s my place.
Isak follows Even inside, almost not looking around at all. All he can see is Even, this gorgeous man who seems to shine. In a blur he registers that the hall is cozy, with posters and drawings on the wall. Isak doesn't get to see much of it, though.
– Come here, Even says, pulling his jacket and scarf off, and dropping his own jacket to the floor. He kisses Isak again and lets his hands slide down his chest, belly and towards his pants. Isak shudders as Even starts unbuttoning his pants.
– Even…
He is breathless and hard as a rock, and he has no idea what he`s about to say. He takes Even´s hands. – Are you sure…
Even`s eyes glitter at him, and he smiles an indecent smile that makes him shake. – You don't get to slip away from me now, Isak. I want you so much.
He pulls him closer, kisses him and licks his neck, making Isak shiver.
– Fuck.
– That`s the plan, Even says, and walks backwards through the hall and into his room, pulling Isak after him. Even’s mouth is soft and tempting against his. His hands are everywhere.
– Come here, he says, – we're going to fuck all night, babe.
Isak doesn't manage to say a word anymore. His hands are lost in Even`s dark blond hair. All the doubt is gone. He only wants Even. Isak pulls him closer and puts his mouth over Even`s. His lips are hungry. Isak loses what he has left of control, presses against Even, kisses his eyes, mouth and neck.
They fall onto the bed, and pull frenetically at each other’s clothes, kissing and touching. Everything happens in a hurry, it's like they both are afraid of letting go of the other.
Isak falls down into Even, and drowns into his body. He touches and pushes and pulls and kisses and feels and licks and breathes and sighs and moans. Never before has he felt so wild, never has he felt so alive.