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Lance opened the barn doors and allowed the sun’s bright orange glow to seep in. The dust floated in the air from the dirt outside as the rooster went about calling the sunrise. He rolled his shoulder from the restless night and walked into the windowless barn, flicking a switch to turn on the light. A long desk rested against the wall with a chair. Cardboard boxes stacked around the other three walls; some were damaged and beginning to age while others were new and freshly placed at the top of the stacks. A bookshelf and table with some knickknack, picture frames, and trinkets collected over the years.
He rubbed the back of his neck, finding his small coffee machine and making himself a cup. The rich aroma brightened his spirit, even if only for the few seconds it took for him to sit on the chair and planting his eyes on the image framed on the shelf above his computer.
It didn’t mattered how many times he saw the image. Every time his heart sank - every time he forgot how to breathe.
He sipped his coffee and leaned back, trying desperately to regain his composure. The Altean marks on his cheeks repeatedly dimmed in and out, a small shine reflecting on his coffee mug. Once he settled, they stopped glowing and he returned to his intended purpose.
Lance turned on his computer, one of the latest models as gifted to him by Pidge. The holographic screen immediately brightened the room like stars illuminating a black sky. He moved his fingers through the various settings and buttons until he found exactly what he was looking for.
Taking one final breath, he placed his coffee down, sat up straight, and pressed record. His image reflected on a small screen as the red recording light flashed on, indicating that he could start speaking. He paused, noticing the deep bags under his eyes, the growing sadness at what he was about to do, yet also there was a sparkle of love and admiration - this was a perfect time to confess.
“Hello, Allura… it’s been ten years.”
He barely spoke her name, voice cracking with self-doubt and losing the confidence he earned during the years since he last saw her. Wanting to move forward, he inhaled deeply, wrapped his arms around himself, and looked away from the camera.
“A lot has changed. Mostly positive. I’m sure you would be proud - very proud. At least I hope you would be proud. Coran seems to say so every chance he gets. My family sends their hellos, along with the other Paladins. They’re actually all arriving tomorrow. A little reunion in your honor before we head back to the statue for the annual dinner…”
His voice cracked again, biting his lip to try and stop it from quivering.
“I miss you. I’m sure you know that. I still have the picture from our date…” He paused, glancing up at the frame and allowing it to encourage him to keep going, “Keith says I looked my happiest then. He’s wrong and I know he says it to make me feel better, but I like to think that at that point in my life I was - you always made me feel like myself - my truest self.”
He groaned, rolling his eyes and leaning back in his chair.
“I was such a child back then. I think back to how I acted when we met and how I kept behaving and I just want to apologize for my silliness. My loverboy tendencies were just my way of trying to come out confident and suave. You never fell for it - you’re too smart for that…”
His fingers curled together, locking tightly as he tried to remember the feel of her hands. Over the years, the memory faded. He was now unsure whether the softness of her skin was either like rose petals or linen.
His hand trembled of betrayal.
“I hope you aren’t angry with me. It’s just been so long, so I’ve forgotten a few things, but I’ve never forgotten how I feel. I still love you - that will never change.”
He sighed. “Allura… I miss you so much. It’s hard to move on some days. Every year we gather as a team, as a family, to celebrate your life. We catch up, even though we really don’t lose contact throughout the year. How could we? We went through the hardest moments of our lives together. There are parts of me only they can understand, and that’s where we support each other.
“I should move on to happier news. My sulking around anytime I speak to you is unacceptable. Where should I start? Maybe with Pidge… she’s easy enough. Her family is making some really advanced tech that’s helping us all out. The wormhole system makes traveling so easy and - oddly enough - it gives Coran a lot to do when they need an expert on the topic. She sneaks around often, always trying to explore different planets and learning about their own advancements or taking some of our technology to them. It helps spark the unity between us all - just as you wanted.
“Hunk has really turned the culinary universe over. He’s used his engineering knowledge to produce mass quantities of food while creating healthy and organic recipes that - with a simple push of a button - is made fresh in minutes. Him and his team of chefs keep going around with Shiro during diplomatic missions. The food continues to bring us all together. He’s too good at what he does. A room could be yelling at each other and his food brings in a moment of peace. That’s when he steps in with his knowledge and unifies them. It’s like watching magic - the same kind of magic you sparked in all of us.
“Speaking of Shiro, he couldn’t stay away for long. Curtis had told Keith he didn’t believe a word of Shiro announcing he was going to retire. To all of our surprise, he lasted six months, but space exploration kept calling him and so did the Garrison for handling diplomacy. He’s taking it at a slower pace, I guess, but Curtis has no plans to stop him. How could he? They love what they do way too much. It makes them happy and after everything he’s been through, he deserves his happiness…”
Lance smiled, a loving thought crossing his mind with the guilt he held in his heart beating at a rapid pace.
“I believe we all deserve happiness…”
His eyes wandered back to the stack of boxes, focusing mainly on the new ones labeled with which room they would be unpacked to. He couldn’t stop the smile from crossing his face, a new step ready to be taken after years in the making. To his surprise, he felt a flash of light appear from behind him along with a wet and long tongue pulling the ends of his hair upward. He groaned, turning with a smile and tapping Kosmo’s nose in warning and greeting. The large space wolf - too large for the filled barn - nudged underneath Lance’s chin, sensing the stress in his heart and the tears being held back.
Lance shook his head and pet between Kosmo’s ears, reassuring him that all was alright. Kosmo barked before turning away from Lance and flashing off with a few of the cardboard boxes.
With a long pause, Lance returned to the recording. “I officially own the farm my parents had. It’s nice that it belongs to me after all the work I’ve put into it. Kaltenecker had some calves and the farm is filled with so many animals. Ironically, the mice showed Kosmo how to herd the sheep. It’s pretty funny to watch them bark orders at such a large animal.”
He laughed, beginning to rock the chair using the tip of his toes.
“I enjoy growing your flowers. They bloom so nicely on Earth. It makes everything seem brighter and more beautiful to look at. My niece and nephew adore them. I catch them often trying to steal a few from my farm. I pretend to get angry, but honestly I don’t care. They help… they heal others just as you would have wanted. I bring them with me to hospital visits and relief efforts with Keith. There have been other planets in which we were able to plant them and I’ve guided them into using them to give their planet hope; slowly I will make sure your flowers continue to give everyone hope.
“It took me a while to get back on my feet. The others were worried about me for a while, but I figured it was just them trying to be nice. I forgot - forgive me, but there was a time I forgot how much of a family we were. What it was we built all those years together as a team… Speaking of which, Blue is fine. She’s hidden away somewhere on Earth and has only given me her location… She misses you, just as I do.”
He closed his eyes, wondering what to say next. He kept avoiding the subject, knowing full well she probably knew the truth. No matter where she was, she likely could see or feel what he had been experiencing.
He slowly blinked his eyes, mediating his thoughts as the Altean marks pulsed in and out with each breath.
“I’ve had so much time to think about us. What it really meant, even if it was for such a short time. When it first happened, I kept doubting something, yet still feeling overwhelmed with conflicting emotions… I meant it then and I still mean it now - I love you, Allura. I will go to the ends of the universe for you, but…”
His throat choked.
“But things have changed and I’m so unsure how to go about telling you all of this.” He trailed his fingers through his short hair, wondering why guilt suddenly rushed through his heart. There was nothing to be guilty about - life meant moving on - and he had to move on or he would live in misery, but the guilt didn’t appear to stop pulsing through him. “I kept replaying our time together. Not only the time we dated, but all the moments from when we met. I never wanted to admit how hurt I was to see you with Lotor. It ripped me into pieces, especially when I felt something was off. Worst yet, years after you were gone, I realized that my jealousy always brought out the worst in me. I’m sorry, Allura… I wasn’t honest with you. Even when you gave me a chance, I kept fearing it - I kept fearing that maybe he would somehow come back and you would return to him.”
He bit his lip, turning away from the camera and trying to not break.
“There was always this part of me that never wanted to believe you gave me all your heart. Even after speaking with your father, I still didn’t want to believe it. However, that’s me - that was me… insecure and lacking the confidence to trust that you returned my feelings.
“It goes back to how immature I was. With everything that was happening, I couldn’t completely trust… well, it wasn’t you I didn’t trust - it was myself. I’m so sorry… during your last moments I wasn’t at my fullest potential. I wasn’t ready to be the person best suited for you.”
He bent over, hiding his face within his hands as he allowed tears falling into his palms. “Keith says I’m too hard on myself. That he knows you were falling for me. That through everything, you understood how much I cared - that if we had more time… if only we had more time…”
The guilt stirred more, twisting down to his stomach and twirling around. Only the truth could stop it.
“I hope you’re comfortable wherever you are…” He paused again, “I’m avoiding it, the reason why I wanted to have this discussion with you… I’ve been having thoughts, moments of doubt of things that make me feel as if everything I once believed may have been a lie or that what I believe now might be a lie… but it’s not a lie. None of it is a lie. It took me some time to realize that.”
He sat up again and forced himself to face his reflection on the screen. He noticed the marks, a bright and glowing warmth against his cheeks. It felt as if Allura’s fingertips were grazing against him, trying to sooth him through his words.
“I’ve fallen in love again. With the last person I expected - yet, somehow it feels like I should have. I keep having repeating thoughts, that if you had never gone, maybe I would have never gotten this chance, that I would have allowed this happiness to slip away from my fingers, but then I think: would it even matter? If you were here, would I have really missed out on feeling this overwhelming sense of love? This is the doubt, the doubt that keeps repeating again and again.
“I’m living in a what if… what if you never were gone? Would we have lasted? How would I have grown? Would your love have ever grown to equal that of mine? Would one of us have realized our love was a lie?
“Or would we have loved every second we had together? Would we be married, have a home… have children? Then I think of him… After learning his truth, I wonder what would have happened to him? That’s when I feel guilty - feeling as if I’m unsure what the truth is of how I feel…”
“That’s not a fair question to ask yourself,” spoke a voice from the barn doors. Lance hadn’t notice them open and turned to see the dusty sunrise behind the figure who was holding a small blue lion doll with Lance’s name scribbled on it. Some threads were breaking, and you could see where they had been fixed and restitched over the years.
“Keith…” Lance whispered, forgetting about the recording and giving his full attention to the man slowly walking towards him. “I - I didn’t mean for you to hear that.”
Keith laughed and tossed the doll back and forth between his two hands. “I’m sure you didn’t, but I noticed you had left the doll on the nightstand and I figured you’d want it for your chat.” He lightly tossed it to Lance and stopped right in front of him. “I’m not offended by your question, if it matters.”
Lance held the doll on his hand and sighed. He kept his eyes on it as he spoke. “But you should be. Doesn’t that make you doubt…” He glanced up, noticing the ring resting on Keith’s finger.
Keith reached over and placed his hand over the doll before crouching down to look up at Lance. Their eyes met. A shot of hope blessed Lance’s heart causing the marks to glow even warmer. Keith reached over and touched them with his thumb. “Nothing makes me doubt the now… I don’t live in the past or in questions. I’ve been through enough to know better.”
“Are you saying I haven’t?” Lance leaned into his touch.
“I’m saying you know how to live in the now too… If you didn’t, I wouldn’t be here.”
Lance inhaled the crisp morning air and the musky scent of Keith. He turned his head and kissed the inside of Keith’s palm, tasting a bit of the ring. “I did ask you…”
“You did.”
“And you said yes.”
“I have no regrets.”
They smiled, the remaining silence in their gentle hold and eye’s lost in each other’s gaze. Keith broke the silence. “It’s recording…”
Lance darted his head back and blushed, the marks rapidly fading in and out, echoing his embarrassment. “Oh quiznack… Allura… I…” He stopped and looked back to Keith, watching as he stood up and prepared to leave him to finish. Instead, Lance reached over and took his hand, silently begging him to stay.
Keith grinned and accepted, squeezing his hand and not letting go as he walked around Lance and wrapped his arms around him. He planted his chin on Lance’s shoulder and held him from behind.
“I gave myself a second chance. With Keith of all people - I know.” He chuckled, but nuzzled further into the arms of the man he doted. “We’ve been together for several years. Years of patience and healing, but no regrets.”
Keith interjected, “Not a single one.”
“It all started at Shiro’s wedding. We’d all been rather busy with the businesses we immersed ourselves in, that none of us realized just how little we knew of each other’s lives. After all of us paladins had caught up, we made a plan to work together once again. We needed to be a family again - it had nearly killed us all.”
“Then I learned the truth. That for years he had harbored feelings for me and that part of the reason he always came to check on the goods I would send him was really to check on me. I worried him - for whatever reason, I always worried him.”
Keith rolled his eyes. “You worried me because you never seemed open to letting someone new in. I thought you were drowning yourself in raising the farm, working in the humanity effort, and visiting people to spread Allura’s word. I thought you were losing the spark that made you, you.”
Lance laughed. “Did you hear all that? All those words just came out of Keith… Keith! I’m still not convinced its really him.”
Keith groaned, “It’s really me.” He narrowed his eyes and glared at Lance.
“I know it is. I’ve learned.”
They faced each other and, losing themselves for a moment, kissed sweetly. When they parted, Lance turned his attention back to the camera. “At the wedding he told me some things that made me realize something I had been hiding. He told me he loved me - that since the days the lions went back into space, he began to realize just how much he cared for me. At first he thought it was friendship, but with each visit, he realized it was more.”
“I think I always knew,” said Keith, “but I wasn’t ready to admit it.”
“But at the wedding you did.”
“I did… and I’m happy I did.”
“It took me some time to return the feelings. I wasn’t sure if I deserved to move on and that’s when the doubt started.” He placed his hand on Keith’s forearm and pulled him closer, “But I realized that perhaps I had had the feelings for a long time too. I thought I had betrayed you and that maybe I never really loved you, but Shiro helped me see my error. He told me he knew exactly how I felt. He still loved Adam, but that didn’t stop him from having feelings for Curtis. He told me that finding new love doesn’t mean I love you less - it just means I’ve learned to love myself once more.”
Lance paused and tilted his head. “I miss you Allura… we all do… and I wish we could have had more time together. I will always wish we had a chance to truly fall in love and beyond the simple place of a first romance with the pressures placed on it by war, but I also want to thank you, for teaching me what it meant to give myself to someone and to accept them fully into my life. I want to thank you for giving me life.”
Tears streamed down Lances cheek, trailing past the dimming Altean marks and falling onto Keith’s arm.
“Allura, I love you. Thank you and…”
He took a deep breath, lip quivering, only feeling reassured by Keith’s arms holding him tightly.
“Goodbye.” He ended the recording.
