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Great job ruining the mission again Leo.
He stared blankly at up at the ceiling of his room, eyes tired yet still being unable to close them. He felt restless, shifting once in a while to get into a more comfortable position, but he’d start shifting again just a few moments later; so what was the point? He kept still most of the time, too absorbed in recapping the night’s events, letting it play over and over in his head, as if that would somehow change the past. His mind kept going over how he could have done better, but he was too clumsy, or he was too reckless, so he messed it up again.
Splinter’s loud snores drowned out the draining thoughts, or at least, it should have- the thoughts only got louder and louder as the years went by. The minor twinges of inadequacy unknowingly piled up into the mountain of reasons why he wasn’t enough for his brothers, the thoughts haunted him now, following right behind him, lapping at his feet in an attempt to make him notice.
Leo paid them no mind when he was with his brothers, but if the small nips of his insecurity were annoying in the day, then at night it grew to be his sleep paralysis demon- its jaws of uneven, sharp teeth ripping through his shell, giving him scars all over, not that he would ever let anyone notice. Which brought him back to the roaring and repetitive thoughts of tonight’s late-night analysis crashing onto the walls of his mental barrier, which could only resist so much.
It was supposed to be a simple patrol, but then he had messed up, again. As he laid on his bed he could perfectly recount all of the minor mistakes he made, how it could have gone better, and how they should have succeeded, if it weren’t for his mistakes.
It was Leo, it was always Leo’s fault.
He continued staring, eyes wide open, as he remembered all of their tired groans with perfect clarity, the resigned sighs as they realised the Foot had gotten away again, because he couldn’t collect himself when he rushed headfirst into danger, recklessly swinging about his blade, even as his mind went into overdrive just thinking of the possible abilities he could act on especially with the versatility of his weapon. He knew that it wasn’t the best idea to go straight into danger like that- you wouldn’t be able to exploit their blind side, they could easily trip you up, and just as easily impale you, or maybe- his mind bounced off the walls of the narrow alleyway, distracted but aware of his surroundings, which was pretty much the only beneficial product of his in overdrive. He wondered if this was how Donnie felt like all the time, all the different voices and abstract ideas in his mind clashed with each other, the pointless and unproductive thoughts were as loud as the ones that should have demanded his attention, their clashing like air horns blaring loudly over each other, fighting for his attention, making everything else virtually indistinguishable.
On the other hand, if he hyper fixated on a train of thought like Donnie did, Leo was positive he would go insane. If he somehow, somehow, could ignore all the white noise and focus on the minuscule sound of a good plan while it was being drowned out, he’d get too lost in its specifics, mulling over how it should be perfectly executed, which made his mind spiral down all the possible factors he had to account for- the opponents’ next moves, thought process, special abilities, and capabilities- the general environment- how far were they from the ground? What could he use that can be used to distract his enemies- and of course, his own lack of skills- what if the portal faces the wrong way again? Could he even make more than one portal at one time? How long could he be able to keep it open?
If it wasn’t easy to remain focused on the raging battle around him, how could he possibly focus on anything else? But he had to do something, and if it meant charging into battle like a raging bull, then fine by him. He could always regret his decisions later on anyways, but not in the heat of battle when his mind so often tends to drift. He could see it in their exasperated expressions and tired eyes, so many of their missions were messed up because of him- because he was being Leo. He can’t let them down again, not after so many mistakes, he needed to protect them, even though he knew they were all perfectly capable of handling their own in battle.
They don’t need you, the thoughts swirled in his mind, not for the first time either. You’re just their burden, holding them back.
Leo hated it, he hated the voice so much, yet he couldn’t deny the truth either, he was the liability, the useless one- that’s why he was the face man, if he were better, he could actually contribute, if he were stronger, he’d be able to protect them better, if he were more important, then he’d actually have a role. After all, what team even needed a face man anyways.
Leo knew that he’s the team medic too, an invaluable role, but if he were to just disappear, Donnie would just as easily taken over his role, in fact, he’d be a better medic than he would ever be, able to call on medical knowledge at a moments notice, detaching himself from the horrors of injury and blood, of gore- Donnie would make an excellent team medic. He’d already imagined all the scenarios in a world where he didn’t exist, a world where there were only red, orange and purple, without the blues he brought to the table, Donnie would most definitely be able to take up his role out of necessity alone.
Replaceable, his mind stirred again, awakening the demons that lurked around the murky waters of his mind, and started clawing, pulling, dragging him down into the depths of his insecurities. He could only withstand so many blows before he couldn’t struggle anymore, he already struggled to keep afloat, his only lifeline was the presence of his brothers, but even that wasn’t a fix. Nowadays, he’d be hanging out with his brothers, when the demons start to rouse again to scratch at the just dried wounds they left behind the previous night.
They’d be happier without you around, they’d remind him, getting increasingly more bold during the day, all the while his brothers were unaware, oblivious to his pain as it slowly scraped away the dried blood and plasma, gaining access to his raw and vulnerable wounds hidden underneath. Leo knows it wasn’t their fault for not noticing, he always puts on a smile and a show, perfected after years of hiding his emotions under his belt, an invisible badge right next to his Mad Dogs one, but each time he wears them the more undeserving he felt. The badge once worn with pride was now a somber reminder of his placement in the team, particularly that he wasn’t one, not a true Mad Dog like his brothers, who were all confident of their roles in the team.
Leo continued to stare upwards, eyes unfocused, too preoccupied with his own thoughts- too detached from reality to notice the house lizard scurrying across the ceiling. His breaths calm even as his internal mind surged with another wave of clawing demons, tearing apart his self-worth. If his brothers came in, they’d probably assume he was asleep, if it weren’t for the bloodshot eyes directed straight up and unblinking. But they were sound asleep in their own rooms, unaware of their brother’s inner turmoil.
He imagined telling his brothers, telling them that the him he portrayed to them was only an act, an empty lie, but he didn’t want to see their betrayed and hurt expressions haunting every night before bed, he didn’t want the pity in their eyes when they discover that he’d long lost his sense of self, buried somewhere in the ocean of doubt. He couldn’t hurt them like that, even as he longed to reach out to them, or April, or Splinter- but he couldn’t. The doubt filled his lungs, slowly drowning him inside out, but he couldn’t voice it out, the topic too heavy to properly choke out.
Leo thinks about his facade which he has grown to detest over the years, even as he still uses it as a crutch. The facade was his stability for a time, it was the best way to tell others that he wasn’t sensitive, that he wasn’t emotional, that he was strong and resilient, though it would manifest into demons in the confines of his mind, unseen by the world. He remembered the facade’s initial creation process, its structure more akin to pliant wax then it was first formulated as a solution in his mind, ruefully reminiscing the joy he took putting it together. As the years went by, his facade became better; more recognisable, more distinct, more tangible, like that of an actual person, and that was when Leo took form, solidified when he decided to go the extra level by coating it with bronze.
Idly, Leo wonders when Leonardo was forgotten and replaced with Leo.
He continues to battle his inner demons, some circling him as others pull him down into the depths. Leo knew logically that species couldn’t drown, but Donnie had explained that while he can hold his breath underwater for long periods, he still can drown unlike his ancestors because of his mutation, just that it’d take much more than just leaving him underwater for a few hours. Well, he would need food and entertainment, knowing him he would probably die of boredom than because of his inability to respire sufficient oxygen.
He knows that the demons would eventually pull him down under the peacefully rolling waves like they did every night but he kept fighting the pull anyway, resisting the strong currents of his own persuasive logic and desperately trying to hack out the doubt he’d accidentally swallowed in the process. He knows he’ll just resurface eternities later, when the sound of his alarm clock acts as a harbinger of another show he has to put on, it was only a matter of how long until it rang again.
He struggled for air, but only inhaled more bitter and salty seawater in the process, drowning him even more. He flailed helplessly, reaching for purchase as the last of his energy only to have his hand clap the surface loudly, but the noise wasn’t noticed with all the feardespairdesperation swirling around him as he was finally pulled down.
Underwater, the demons were bolder, they didn’t pull their punches as they ripped through him, each taking a huge chunk of Leo- Leonardo?- but it kept tearing away at him- and it hurt, it hurt so badly- stop he just wanted it to end put an end to his misery already- Leo could only feel more paindespairresignation as he drowned and struggled, he felt he felt so alone- so scared- so betrayed- where were they- where were his brothers- why didn’t they help hIM-
He felt cold as he sunk further, it was so cold he couldn’t breathe- the water around him wasn’t the crystal clear blues like those in movies- it was dark and murky- and he couldn't see- he couldn’t see anything but the onslaught of movement. Unbeknownst to Leo, his own blood rose upwards towards the surface, staining the water a dirty red colour- it was hard to breathe even underwater with all the sediments drifting about, blocking out the oxygen he so desperately needed. He was only aware of his descent to the seafloor and the pain he felt as he was being torn down for the umpteenth time.
_______
...Ng...
...
...Ring...
…
...RING!
His eyes snapped awake- arms swinging towards the alarm clock on his bedside, scarcely throwing it down the shelf. It took a while to fully register the familiar ceiling and bed he was lying in. That was... bad, was the only thing he could say to describe the last night’s experience.
Feeling returned to his limbs slowly, as he laid there processing his nightmare and mentally preparing for yet another exhausting performance. He off-handedly wonders how long he can keep up the show, considering how bad it was getting to resist the pull of doubt again.
He lethargically pulled himself out of bed, energy trickled down into his arms as he stretched them out, as did blood when he stood up, though he felt only slightly comforted by the thought of going out and seeing his ever-optimistic brothers again. Another part of him gnawed at him, whispering why would they want you around into his ear, but alone, it was easy enough to shake off, he didn’t acknowledge the involuntary for now that rang through his mind as a hollow afterthought.
He parted the curtain to go to the washroom so he could wash up, great, he wasn’t even awake for five minutes and his brain was already going off on horrible puns. He closes the door behind him, takes a deep breath before facing himself in the mirror, where his reflection stood, betraying his exhaustion and nervous anxiety. He feels more fragile, seeing himself on a flat plane, so easy to shatter- he wonders when he will break too. Still, he puts on a dashing smile, points the same finger guns, and pushes life into his eyes, just to keep up the act a while longer, or at least to last the day.
Nothing important should be going on today, if they’re lucky April might drop by, but no scheduled patrols, he can stay at home holed up in his room for the day, as long as he makes it to movie night. Secretly, he hopes none of them comes into his room, his ironically named safe space in the lair, maybe he was scared that the demons were real and that his show was over. Can’t have that happening when it was only just beginning, right?
He turned on the tap, watching as the water flowed down and down, and he stared in silence for a few moments, letting the echo of the water splashing on the sink fill the room, before finally cupping his hands under the tap and gently splashing it on his face. Washing away the exhaustion that still lingered on his face, rehearsing his role as he exaggeratedly groans while brushing his teeth, loudly gurgling the water before spitting it out into the sink. He plasters his signature smug grin before looking towards the shower and shower curtain he had been ignoring. He turned away seconds later, not wanting to shower in the slightest.
He struts out of the washroom and continues as he walks into the kitchen, where Mikey had already served breakfast, Donnie and Raph settling in at their regular seats, Mikey was still happily listing off his plans for the day and and-
Something in him just shatters.
Maybe it was the mundanity of the scene, how content and still it was in comparison to his mind’s chaos. Maybe it was how the breakfast was prepared for him too, cementing his place among them though his mind convinced him otherwise. Maybe it was nothing at all, nothing out of place or out of the ordinary, but he didn’t have the mind to care. Tears streamed down his face, his confident stride forgotten as he cringes slightly on himself, arms falling to his side. He willed his body to turn away, to at least bemoan a made up nightmare he had dreamed about, in case his brothers notice him at the doorway, but he couldn’t, for some godforsaken reason he couldn’t move.
“Leo? What’s wrong?”
Too late, he tried to use his jaw, but his mouth just warbled as he tried to open it. He tried for his voice but it didn’t cooperate either, his hands started to shake uncontrollably and suddenly he couldn’t support the weight of his world, of their stares as he folds on himself.
The brothers got up to crowd around Leo, breakfast forgotten. “Leo?” Raph tried, but only got a shaky sob in response, “Is it about last night?”
Leo would have responded with a weak yes, that was if he could even have mustered a word. Though it wasn’t just last night that was the problem, it was all his past mistakes, all his failures, it was him, he was the problem, but he couldn’t tell him that. What would they think of him, a traitor, a poser- he couldn’t, they would have to pry it from his dead hands if he had a say in it.
“Um, Raph?” Mikey hesitantly asked as he fretted over his sobbing brother, “This can’t be last alone, breakdowns like this accumulate over time.”
“Last night could have acted as the breaking point, though stress may accumulate over long periods of time but it only takes a single event trigger for this to happen,” Donnie added.
Damnit, he cursed, now they'd start asking questions, so many questions, he doesn't know how long he can hold on to his crumbled facade- the small fragments he was trying so desperately to fit back together without the glue of his peace of mind holding it together. What would he do- what can he do to avoid this conversation-
A pained whine cut through the room, it took a moment for Leo to realise the noise came from him, but by then a new wave of tears was already pooling in his eyes. It hurt to think- he was too tired to think, he didn’t want to keep hating himself anymore, but he couldn’t find reasons to stop, and all he could feel was the exhaustion and he stopped thinking- stopped fighting himself- instead he shifted from his crouched position to just fall on his side and just stopped.
He saw movement in the corner of his eye, but it didn’t register, nor did the indistinguishable sound of his brothers. He stayed limp even when he felt someone touch his shoulder, or when he felt someone try to wave their hands in front of his eyes. He just stared, unblinking and unresponsive to his surroundings. In fact, he was so out of it that he barely felt himself being lifted off the ground.
He saw the indistinguishable colours of his surroundings change, abstract shapes of his home pass by as he was set down onto somewhere comforting. Dark green and angry red stood in front of him, blocking his view and the majority of the light that had previously been shining on his face. He looked up to what would have been the figure’s eyes, but his eyes didn’t focus on their face, instead looking straight through the person. They- he?- was talking- about something- but he couldn’t make it out properly. But they were moving again, the movements slow and predictable, and he felt something being pressed into his hand- something small. He sluggishly unclenched his hand to receive whatever the thing was.
Somewhere in the background, he could see purple coming back, heavy shapes dragging across the ground he walked. Red and Purple were talking, but he still couldn’t make out what they were saying. His shaking hands finally grasped the object in his hand, he was aware on some level he really shouldn’t have been gripping the object so tightly, but he was too far gone to do anything with that information.
The scent of tea wafted in the air, tea- what tea was it? It was so familiar, the flavour on the tip of his tongue- it tasted like warmth and comfort and home though he hadn’t even sipped the drink. The colours draped a heavy duvet over his shoulders, and unconsciously he sunk into the feeling, tense muscles relaxing a tad bit. In his hand, the shape of a cube formed in his mind, he shifted the weight, trying to find something, but he didn’t know what. The cube sounded as he adjusted its positioning, his thumb finally finding a comfortable position on one of the sides, he shifted more weight onto the tip of his thumb and-
Click.
His mind latched on to the sound, and though his hand was still trembling slightly he was encouraged to click it, forming a shaky but consistent rhythm. Movement caused his attention to shift back to his surroundings, the previously rudimentary and blurry shapes were now clearer, sharper. The moving colours popped against the faded brick red of their home. Orange bounced back into the room, and though he couldn’t make out any features, he could somehow tell that he was more flighty and fidgety than usual.
Noise brought his attention back towards Red and Purple, they were looking at him, he realised after way too many clicks had ticked by. It took another while to process that they were talking to him too, as he remembered to listen to the words they were saying.
“-eo? Leo?”
He blinked, the previously indistinguishable noise formed cohesive sentences as he regained focus. Leo, that was his name, but- when did he forget?
“Leo, if you can hear me, nod your head.” Red- Raph?- said slowly, hands still positioned in its placating manner from before. Purple was behind him, standing awkwardly and fiddling with his phone, though his face was set in a concerned frown that was gradually becoming clearer. It felt like an eternity had passed before he could properly register the sentence, and another two for him to shakily jerk his head down by an inch.
Raph looked relieved if his exhale and loosened shoulders were anything to go by. Donnie?-
Purple- moved forwards to kneel next to Raph, Oran- Mikey not far behind.
“Nod if you’re verbal; shake if you’re not.”
The time needed to respond- ten, eleven, twelve clicks- was much shorter than what was needed for the previous question, but his mind was still stuck in the drying concrete; thoughts sluggish and interminable. He tried to operate his voice, but all he could manage was a weak whimper.
“Touch?” Mikey hesitantly asked.
Click-
He nodded frantically and he was immediately engulfed in a hug from all his brothers. He melted into it, the coldnumbloneliness he felt giving way to comforthomefamily, and they stayed like that for a hundred- two hundred- many clicks went by before they let go.
He tried for his voice again, though he was successful in getting the single syllable dislodged from his throat, the word was still shaky and raspy, a painful reminder of what had transpired earlier.
“H-hey.”
Mikey reached back for the green tea he had set down earlier, which he gratefully accepted as it soothed the sore ache in his throat, he was slightly reluctant to grab it with two hands though, as it meant letting go off the cube he was clicking.
“You down to talk?” asked Donnie, uncharacteristically meek for the teen.
Too tired to pull up any of his jokes or the fractured pieces of the facade, he shook his head. “Can- can we stay here for a while longer?”
“Of course.”
A while turned to the whole day as the whole family stayed, basking in the comfort of the room, and of course, rewatching the whole Jupiter Jim series.
And though the subject would definitely resurface later, Leo revelled in the comfort of being with his brothers, feeling warm and loved, so unlike the cold lonely nights he had grown used to in his room. And so what if the questions came, he’d work something out later, for now, all he cared about was the contentment of being with his brothers, without a doubt that he was loved.