Chapter Text
Friday 1st
New Year's Day. Bank Holiday in UK and Republic of Ireland
These are my New Year Resolutions:
1. I will remain true to Vince.
2. I will bring my bike in at night.
3. I will only read worthwhile literature.
4. I will study hard for my O Levels, and get Grade As
5. I will try to be more kind to the dog.
6. I will find it in my heart to forgive Barry Kent for bullying me.
7. I will clean the bath after use.
8. I will stop measuring my thing.
9. I will do my jazz exercises every night without fail.
10. I will be a good brother to my sibling when it is born.
Saturday 2nd
Bank Holiday in Scotland
Vince came round today. Because of the snow, I walk round to collect him, and then I escort him home. Vince says that isn't necessary, but I wouldn't want him to get splattered by muddy snow. If necessary, I would take off my coat for Vince to walk on, like that bloke did for Queen Elizabeth I. I would get in a terrible row with my parents though.
Sunday 3rd
Second after Christmas. Moon's First Quarter
Last night I dreamed about a boy like me collecting pebbles in the rain. It was a dead strange dream.
Monday 4th
Mum took me shopping for new clothes. I wanted to buy green Wellington boots in Marks and Spencer, but Mum bought me plain black ones instead. I need them for escorting Vince home, as the snow keeps melting and getting dirty.
In Mothercare my mother went mad buying miniature clothes and stretch-mark cream. I hoped she would buy a nice respectable maternity dress for the dreaded day when her lump starts to show, but she informed me she intended to keep wearing her dungarees throughout her pregnancy. I will be a laughing stock at school.
Tuesday 5th
I keep having nightmares about the bomb. I hope it isn't dropped before I get my CSE results in August 1983. I wouldn't like to die an unqualified virgin.
Wednesday 6th
Epiphany
Leroy came round to look at my racing bike. He says that it was mass produced, unlike his bike that was made by a craftsman in Harrogate. I have gone off Leroy, and I have also gone off my bike a bit.
Thursday 7th
Got a wedding invitation from Lester and Queenie. They are getting married on January 16th at the town hall.
In my opinion, it is a waste of time. Lester is ninety, and Queenie nearly eighty. I think Vince is worried about having Lester as a step-foster father, and I'm sure Sabre will bother Ginger and her kittens. Their eyes are open now, and they don't want to see a giant Alsatian with huge teeth.
Friday 8th
My parents said it is my turn to cook the tea, and my mother shouldn't be doing all the cooking when she is pregnant. I made poached eggs and beans, and tinned semolina pudding. They didn't think that was a nutritious meal, even though everyone knows eggs have all the vitamins you need except Vitamin C, and beans have Vitamin C from the tomato sauce.
The centre of York is flooded. I hope it doesn't flood here. I am not a strong swimmer.
Saturday 9th
Full Moon
Nana and Grandpa came round this afternoon. Everything started off well – they brought my mother flowers, and fussed over her. But Nana ended up having a row with Dad, saying that he drank too much at Christmas. Luckily she doesn't know about New Year.
Leroy says the world is going to end tonight, because there's a total eclipse of the moon. He said he read it in one of his auntie's religious magazines. True enough, it did go dark, and I held my breath and feared the worst, but then the moon recovered and life went on as usual.
Sunday 10th
First after Epiphany
It has started snowing again. Vince usually wants to have a snowball fight on the way home, even though it's very undignified. Vince says it's not undignified for him, because he always wins.
Monday 11th
I've been looking through last year's diary and have been reminded that Critic's Forum never did reply to my letter asking what to do if you are an intellectual. That is a first-class stamp wasted! I should have written to the British Museum. That's where all the intellectuals hang out.
Tuesday 12th
My mother's lump started showing today, but she is doing nothing to disguise it. In fact, she seems quite proud of it. She is showing it to everyone who comes to the house. I have to leave the room.
Wednesday 13th
Vince and I went to the youth club tonight. It was quite good. Bob Fossil led a discussion on sex. Nobody said anything, but he showed some interesting slides of the male reproductive system. By the end of the night, I was an expert on my prostate gland. This is bound to be useful knowledge one day. It gave Vince and I a lot to talk about on the walk home, and we both agreed that we should explore the subject further when we have time, and enough privacy.
Thursday 14th
Went through the dictionary to look for words I don't know, and made a list of them. Abstemious, chicanery, chimerical, deleterious, enervate, fiduciary, lugubrious, pecuniary, sanguine, serendipity, tumescent, winnow, ziggurat. I will try to include them in my everyday conversation, although right now I can't see a way of doing so naturally.
Friday 15th
Thank God the snow is melting! At last I can walk the streets in safety, secure in the knowledge that Vince isn't going to ram a snowball down the back of my anorak.
Saturday 16th
Moon's Last Quarter
Lester and Queenie got married today.
The Sunshine Lane Residential Care Facility hired a coach, and took the old ladies to form a guard of honour with their walking frames.
Lester looked dead good. He cashed in his life insurance and spent the money on a new grey suit. Queenie was wearing a matching orange jacket and skirt with a big hat covered in flowers and fruit. She had a lot of make-up on to cover her wrinkles. Even Sabre had a red ribbon tied around his neck in a bow. I think it was kind of the RSPCA to let Sabre out for his master's wedding.
My father and I carried Lester's wheelchair up the steps of the town hall a single man, and then down them again with Lester a married man. The old ladies threw rice and confetti, and my mother and Vince gave Queenie a kiss and a lucky horseshoe.
A newspaper reporter and photographer made everyone pose for photographs. I was asked my name, but I said I didn't want publicity for my acts of charity to Lester.
The reception was back at the home. Matron made a big cake with L and Q written on it with Jellytots.
Vince is staying with Leroy for the weekend, so Lester and Queenie can have their honeymoon alone at Queenie's house. On Monday, they all have to live together. Even Sabre and the cats!
Sunday 17th
Second after Epiphany
I am reading Nausea by Jean-Paul Sartre. I can't really understand it very well, even though it is in diary form. It is mostly about a bloke whose chairs are taking over his house and his brain. It makes my diary seem dead common and unintellectual, as our furniture just sits there and we don't even think about it very much. My ambition is now to actually enjoy reading the book. Then I will know I am above the common herd.
Monday 18th
School. First day of term. Loads of CSE homework. I will never cope. Even though I am an intellectual, I am not really very clever. I think I might be developing angst.
Vince says Lester smells funny. He has to keep Sabre away from the kittens in case there is an unfortunate incident. He says that's why he can't do his homework.
Tuesday 19th
Brought all the leftover copies of my magazine New Voices home in my satchel and Adidas bag. Mr Jones needs the Games cupboard.
Wednesday 20th
Two and a half hours of homework! I will crack under the strain. I can feel reality slipping away from me, as if my mind was filled with deleterious smoke.
Thursday 21st
My brain hurts. I have just finished translating two pages of Macbeth into English. I have stared so long at the page that all the words spin slowly before me until they become empty and meaningless.
Friday 22nd
I am destined to be a failure. I can't keep working under this pressure. Dad said my work is perfectly satisfactory, but that isn't good enough when Leroy gets Excellent written in red pen on his paper.
Saturday 23rd
Stayed in bed until five-thirty in the afternoon to make sure I missed shopping at Budgens. Listened to a program on post-war fiction on Radio Four. Phoned Vince. Did Geography homework. Teased dog. Went to sleep. Woke up. Worried for ten minutes. Got up. Made cocoa.
I am a nervous wreck. I am beginning to think it might be my desk and chair. Their very essence mocks at me.
Sunday 24th
Third after Epiphany
My mother blames my bad nerves on Jean-Paul Sartre. She says French existentialism shouldn't be read about when one is studying for O Levels.
Monday 25th
Burns Night (Scotland). New Moon
Social Services called in to check on Queenie and Vince, and discovered Lester living there. They told Queenie off for not informing them she was cohabiting, and she snapped, “I'm not cohabiting – I'm married!”.
They are coming back tomorrow for a full investigation and assessment. I told Vince he can live with us if Social Services make him leave Queenie's.
Tuesday 26th
The social worker spent two hours interviewing Vince, Queenie, and Lester. She said Vince will have to be allocated to another foster family, as Lester's age and disabilities mean that Queenie can't care for him and Vince at the same time. Vince told me that Queenie wept, and said she was doing the best that she could. The social worker said that she could see that Queenie genuinely loved Vince, but “Mrs Corncrake, I'm afraid love is not always enough in these situations”.
Vince is dead scared. He is worried that Social Services will put him in a care home, or take him away from Leeds. Queenie was just meant to be a temporary foster mother while they found something more permanent. I can't lose Vince – he's the only thing keeping me sane.
Wednesday 27th
My mother is holding her women’s rights meeting in our lounge. I can’t concentrate on my homework properly with women laughing and shouting and stamping up the stairs. They are not a bit ladylike.
Thursday 28th
I got 17/20 on the History test. I knew the women's rights meeting was going to ruin my chances! How was I meant to concentrate on the Second World War with all that row going on?
Friday 29th
Came home from school early with a severe migraine (missed the Comparative Religion test). Went to bed.
Saturday 30th
Migraine. Too ill to write.
Sunday 31st
Fourth after Epiphany
Vince came around while my parents were out. When I said faintly that I wasn't feeling well, he crawled into bed with me for half an hour, until he released the pressure building up inside me. Feel a lot better now. Someone should have told Jean-Paul Sartre about it.
Thought of a sentence in which I could use tumescent. It's a bit personal though.