Chapter Text
The remnant of the wine on her tongue went bitter immediately, her heart throbbed like it was going to burst out from its confines.
She wasn’t scared, no she wasn’t scared of Kara, not at all; she was scared that finally, Kara had seen her, stark naked with all the blood, gore, and evil she was covered with.
She had assumed till now that shame and guilt were the things she had mastered but under the inspection of those ice-like blue orbs looking directly into her soul, Lena felt shameful. Regretful. That she was covered in the sin of taking lives which was the gravest danger to a human soul.
She shouldn’t have felt like this, not when it was Kara who had hurt her, left her heart to bleed; she had abandoned her. She had turned her face away from Lena when she stopped responding to her letters when she took Lady Imra to her chambers. She had betrayed their sacred union, their connection but now, Lena was the one who was at fault, who was to be put on a mighty trial Kara had set for her.
Knowing that she was treading on dangerous waters, her hands slowly ventured over the dagger that was properly hidden under her dress; it had been so long she had used it but it was a trusted friend, one that would come to help if she were to ask it.
Kara’s eyes tracked the movement of her hands and the blueness of her eyes disappeared, it was replaced with a stormy gray. There was sheer hurt in her eyes, but she had put a veil on that part of herself, barely seconds later her eyes got steely and she leaned back to the chair with a small smile on her lips.
“So, I wonder, did you poison my wine, Princess? Or should I call you Queen Lena now that you have your kingdom back, hmm?”
Lena kept her hands firmly to herself, but she didn’t make a move, she was barely breathing let alone thinking about replying to Kara.
Finally, the reckoning had come, the day she was going to be free of the lies she had been keeping.
Kara would see her what she was, a monster, an abomination; if she hadn’t lost her love for her, she was definitely going to lose it now. It was for the best; Lena had always dreamed of this day when they would be honest with each other. The only thing she didn’t consider was how Kara was going to be the owner of her heart, mind, and body; how the disappointment in her face would tear Lena’s heart bit by bit till there was nothing left.
She was still hurting so much despite that she had betrayed her with Lady Imra. Despite the burning hatred she was feeling for her, Kara was still so strong to play a part in Lena’s demise.
There wasn’t any disappointment in her eyes when Lena forced herself to meet her gaze, it was more like melancholy and hurt, and something Lena wasn’t able to decipher.
When she didn’t reply, Kara chuckled bitterly and leaned on her elbows on the table.
“Aren’t you going to answer me, my love? Or did you forget how to speak?”
Lena kept her eyes trained on that handsome face she adored. Her mind was willing her heart to hate Kara, but it was so frustratingly impossible. No matter how much she tried to assure herself, to bury Kara deep in her heart; she was back in her thoughts with no delay, her shiny smile was tormenting her withered soul.
She had to hate her. She hated her. But also, she loved her more than everything she had loved.
“Test it.”
She whispered as if she was talking to herself, but Kara leaned down to hear it better.
“What?”
“If you are wondering whether it’s poisonous or not, drink it. Test it.” Lena said with shocking confidence, she didn’t know why she said those words, it was stupid and childish-
Would she really drink that wine knowing that it was poisonous?
“Is that so?” Kara’s eyes flared with a challenge; Lena could also see the tears starting to shimmer in those endless depths as Kara reached down to take her glass to bring it to her lips. She looked at Lena with burning eyes just before she gulped down the entire glass in one go.
Lena trembled as she watched her, she wanted to scream at her face and beat her chest with her fists. She was the most arrogant, full of herself -
Why did she have to be like this? Always measuring up to Lena’s challenges, always pushing the boundaries…
Kara wiped off her mouth with her cuff and threw the glass to shatter on the ground into dozens of pieces.
Did she know it already, how she could know it beforehand that Lena had chosen not to poison her, maybe she had found someone to taste it that’s how she knew it wasn’t poisonous-
No.
Lena had filled the glasses with wine, she had time to put the poison into her glass. Her hand was trembling when she was on the brink of putting that damn poison. Kara couldn’t have known if it was poisonous or not, then why did she-
Why did she choose to drink the wine if she thought it was poisonous?
Kara looked at her with tear-filled eyes, a few tears fell to her cheek as her jaw clenched, but her expression didn’t waiver; her eyes were filled with unadulterated hurt and misery.
“How - why did you…” Lena started but Kara got up suddenly, drawing Lena with her up to her feet; Lena had no time to pull herself together as Kara’s hands found the dagger underneath the dress and unearthed it. Her breath shook as she waited for the inevitable, Kara had the chance to end her life there and then-
But instead, Kara held the dagger so tightly over its sharpest side, that her blood started to pour from the fresh cut she had inflicted on her palm, staining her white shirt; her hands shook intensely as tears continued to fall to her cheeks.
Was she trembling with rage? Was she that furious?
Lena waited without breathing for the eventual impact.
Then, Kara did something unbelievable.
She took Lena’s hands and placed the dagger in her hands by making her grab it tightly, she directed the blade just over to her heart.
Why…?
Lena’s heart wobbled in her chest; her knees went weak with the prospect of hurting Kara. She was on the edge of plunging the sharp Luthor steel deep into the heart of the woman she loved more than everything. This was her chance, a chance Kara had given her gladly if she could push it more through her heart…
But no.
Her plans and predilections didn’t matter. She could never hurt her the way she had hurt others.
It would be worse than the most painful death she could face. But why? Why these feelings were rendering her useless at the moment so pivotal?
Kara’s lips quivered before speaking up in a hushed voice.
“I didn’t know if my wine was poisoned or not, I don’t care if I die then or now. If you want to kill me, here, kill me right now. I have placed my trusted soldiers on the gate, they will say that I’m stabbed by the spies of Edge Clan when they will find my body, no one will know it was you. This is your chance Lena, the moment you’ve been waiting for since the beginning. So, just…Do it. Do what you’ve always wanted and you are free to do whatever you want afterward.”
Lena's hands squeezed the handle and her eyes welled up with the absurdity of the situation. Was Kara testing her? What was the meaning of all this?
She couldn’t afford to look weak, but weak was the only thing she felt at that moment.
“This is not a play Lena. If you are determined to kill me, this is your chance.”
Lena couldn’t move her arm, was it really not a play? Why would Kara give her such a chance? Were there only two men at the gate and no one else, or maybe Kara was waiting for the right moment so when her dagger was leaned on her heart, people would come and see what kind of a monster Lena was? Maybe that was her revenge?
She couldn’t kill her, ever. But she couldn’t trust her as well.
Her hand holding the handle was frozen, she didn’t have the power to move it. There was only one way to get out from this, she wasn’t going to get anything she yearned for, not really. But it was what she had wished from the start.
“I don’t want to kill you. I want you to leave my kingdom to me and leave my land.”
It came out very plain and plausible, but Lena had to avoid looking at Kara’s eyes when she said those words. Because her eyes could show her real feelings if she looked at those endless blue orbs.
Kara’s hold on the dagger loosened and the stiffness of her body slowly melted away. But the pure hurt in her eyes made Lena’s insides burn with regret. She regretted that she had inflicted this pain on Kara, seeing her like this was worse than any physical pain she could have endured.
“Is…is that all you want, Lena?”
Her words were barely above a whisper, and the blood stain on her shirt was soaking all the way to her arms. Lena let go of the blade and it fell to the ground with a clang. She had to be convincing now in order to make Kara believe that she wanted to be alone in her misery.
“Yes.”
She looked directly into those hazy orbs; her voice sounded resolute with all the vigor she could muster.
“What about everything you did? The things you planned and…didn’t or couldn’t do? Don’t have anything to say for yourself?” Kara asked while waving her bleeding hand in front of her.
Lena bit down on her lip, hard, but she couldn’t help herself when she reached for the cotton napkin on the table then she took Kara’s hand to bandage the cut roughly.
She hated seeing her hurt.
“I did everything to avenge my father’s death. My mother and brother, they…they used me to get what they wanted. Everyone around me despised my existence and saw me only as a nuisance. It was only my father who cared about me, who loved me. When I heard that your family was involved with his death…I-I don’t need to explain anything to you, because no matter what I say you wouldn’t understand and trust me. So, just…Let me handle the weight of what I’ve done and leave me alone, Kara. Let me be.”
The look on Kara’s face and the intensity of her gaze almost knocked the breath out of her lungs when Lena finished wrapping her cut. She took a step back and put a distance between herself and Kara, the atmosphere was making her dizzy as it was.
“What if I say no?” Kara asked tilting her chin up, she hadn’t moved her body an inch after Lena drew apart from her. The only lively part of her body was her face, otherwise, she seemed like a big rock, unyielding and unmoving.
Lena didn’t know how to answer. There was a high possibility that Kara wasn’t going to give her what she wanted. But she didn’t know what to do, how to push Kara into doing what she asked-
“What if…I too-”
Kara’s words were interrupted by a guard who chose to barge at that exact moment.
“P-princess - princess, the soldiers on the borders…” He said out of breath, totally missing how angry Kara looked.
“Didn’t I tell you no one can come into this room in any circumstance? What’s the meaning of this?”
The guard threw a very quick glance at Lena and his shy eyes darted between them before he replied:
“I-I’m sorry to barge in like this your Majesty, but…there is an army marching toward us. The scouts spotted the leaders of border clans leading the army.”
Kara’s face hardened, and she instantly got into a battle mood.
“How many soldiers do they have? How long until they reach the city’s borders?”
The soldier’s skin paled and his gulp was almost audible.
“They…the scouts counted roughly 7,000 horsemen, Princess. And they said…it would take 3 days for them to reach the gates.”
Lena felt her dizziness overtaking her senses and she held onto the table. What was going on? She had been so immersed with Kara and court affairs; that she had totally avoided all that was going on the outside.
“How could they march so fast under our nose? Where were my men when they waded through the land? How could they gather so many people in such a short time?” Kara raised her voice and paced around the table with a wave of palpable anger. She closed her eyes and sighed before focusing her attention on Lena who was standing there on shaky legs.
“You, escort my wife to her chambers. And place two of my best men outside her door, you will let people in her chamber with my permission.”
“W-what…?” Lena was still shaken over the news she had heard but Kara’s words felt like a slap that made her wake up from her stupor.
“You will be confined to your chambers until it is safe. If we won’t be able to stop them from entering the city…You will be sent back to Krypton.” Kara said without looking at her face, she was almost halfway through the door when Lena called out to her.
“I won’t do such a thing. I won’t be confined, and I will stay here, no matter what happens.”
Kara stopped to a halt and threw a glance sideways.
“You will do as I say.”
The darkness was back. She was again confined to her chambers, with only darkness as her companion.
The future was bleak, everyone was on the edge and all she could think of was…
Kara. Where was she?
She was barely in the palace, gathering the soldiers and leading them to the gates ever since Lena had seen her. After Wymdon and Mercell, the people of Gand were still on the mend, and now with this rebellion with the border villages…
Everything was fragile. The risk was too high.
When Lena arrived in Luthor lands, Kara was out in the border villages, trying to smooth out the problems. Lena didn’t give a second thought about it then, but the kingdom was always at odds with the border clans. Lord Maxwell, Edge, and many more were hungry for power and now that the throne of the Luthor Kingdom was empty, they all wanted it for themselves. Her father was skillful at keeping them at bay for all those years with successful negotiations and mutual agreements, but after Wymdon and Mercell, everyone knew that Luthor Kingdom was weaker than before.
In a way, it was Lena who had pushed her kingdom into this chaos. After her father’s death, everything spiraled out of control. Now it was too late to be sorry for what she had done, but innocent people were going to pay the price of her stupidity.
Not if Kara could stop the rebels from entering the city.
They had a huge army exceeding 7,000 armed men, whereas the army Kara had brought was only big as 3,000 soldiers. There was no time to wait for reinforcements, Luthor Kingdom was going to fight with Kryptonians side by side. But even when their forces combined, the rebels were outnumbering them. And also, they were savages who knew their way around the city, not like Kryptonian soldiers who were completely stranger to Luthor terrain.
The wheel of fortune was spinning, it was spinning fast, and Lena had nothing to do other than praying the safety of her people.
Kara didn’t force her to stay in her chambers all the time, but she was accompanied by a large group of soldiers whenever she chose to wander around the palace to learn more about what was going on. The thought of going back to Krypton was making her sick to her stomach, she could never return there without Kara by her side.
Krypton was not her home; it was only a place filled with strangers. The warmth and welcome she felt there were because of Kara.
Kara who was going to fight her battle. For her.
Lena was aware of the reputation of her wife; she was a renowned soldier and a tactician. But odds were piled against her. Kara had a chance to leave the Luthor Kingdom behind to its fate. Luthor lands meant much to Krypton at the end of the day, they could retreat back and make a deal with rebels if needed. But despite all these, Kara had chosen to stay and fight back.
In the short note, Lena got from Kara a couple of days ago, it was only saying:
I will win this war, for you. Then I will do whatever you want me to.
It should have been comforting because Kara was giving the promise of leaving her, just like Lena had asked her to do. After the war, she was going to leave her, forever. But with many unknowns, Lena feared that something was going to happen to Kara. Lena knew that the moment of doom would come, for Kryptonian forces to accept defeat and fall back, maybe return to Krypton, leaving the Luthor Kingdom to its fate. But Kara was stubborn, she wasn’t going to give up easily. Even though she would be the only one standing, she was going to fight.
Damn her, damn the way she had turned Lena into a frenzied mess.
At night, when she was alone in bed, she was smothering her cries on the pillow and cursing at her fate. She was never a lucky person to begin with; everyone, everything she had cared for and loved so far was taken away from her. She had to claw her way to be in the position she was standing in today, which was far from what she had dreamed or planned.
She had never considered being…in love. Caring for someone like she did Kara.
She should have accepted the way Kara challenged her and let her die on the battlefield. She should have taken the golds and silvers and left her Kingdom and her damned past behind.
But she couldn’t. She wouldn’t.
One night, it was nearing morning with early sun rays barely illuminating her room, the door of her room opened. Lena was in a light slumber; she immediately covered her body with the duvet and called out to the shadows:
“Who – who is it?”
The silence lasted seconds, then Kara’s weary face came into view. Her muddy boots were leaving a trail of dirt with every step she took, but Lena couldn’t care less. The expression on her face and the way her body was taut were more important to her.
“Kara?
Kara stopped a few steps away from the bedpost and her hands clenched at her sides.
“I…Can I sit?” She gestured to the bed, despite the stiffness in her body, her voice was soft as silk.
Lena nodded after her eyes wandered on her tired face. She let go of the duvet and scrambled back to the headboard. Kara sat down while sighing deeply and leaning her arms on her muscled thighs. Lena was afraid to talk or to wake up since this felt like a dream. It had been a while since she saw Kara in her dreams like this.
They were both silent for a while, the only sound in the room was the roar of the wind and the patter of guards outside.
Kara mumbled something, but Lena couldn’t decipher what she was saying.
“What is it?”
“You need to leave. You need to go back to Krypton.” Kara said with a hoarse voice, but she wasn’t looking at Lena, she had placed her body sideways and her hands were clenching around nothing.
Lena expected to have this talk with her, but she had imagined Kara would be more…lively, and angry.
“No.”
Her answer was fast and determined, but it didn’t surprise Kara. She sighed instead and bowed her head.
“It is not a request, Lena. You have to. I…I don’t know what will happen. They are more prepared than I’ve thought.”
There was simmering despair in her voice, but it was not because she was afraid of the war or fighting. Lena knew about her biggest weakness, she had discovered it just after she had met her. Kara cared about people; she valued human life and was willing to do everything to preserve it. The war was bound to be bloodshed. That’s why she looked so stricken now, that’s why she was blaming herself for something she had no control over. If there was the slightest chance to avoid war, Kara would do everything in her power to find it.
War was disgusting but it was primal, inherent. It was the legacy of humankind.
Lena understood the lore of violence, and maybe that’s why she had always been so good at afflicting hurt in others. But Kara was nothing like her, she had spent all of her life surrounded by parents that loved her, and friends who supported her. She could never understand the fiery pleasure behind hurting others who deserved it.
She was struggling. Not because she was physically weak, but because she was terrified of what was to come. The war brought out the worst in people, especially the wars that were fought in the name of plundering power and status.
“I cannot leave, Kara. This is where I need to be.” Her voice didn’t come out whiny or rebellious. She was just telling her truth. But the worried expression she saw in Kara’s eyes when she turned her head to look at her made her head spin.
It was the first time after such a long time those blue icicles were melted into a warm, bright ocean façade. The protection she had weaved around her heart was thick as she had made it almost impenetrable. But with a single look from her, she was again at the edge of the same cliff, ready to topple over.
Maybe she was not strong as she had willed herself to be.
“I cannot let anything happen to you.”
Kara’s words breached her defenses and cleaved into her soul like waves.
How could this be so easy for her, to rip Lena’s heart over and over?
“Why?”
She was stupid. What was the point of asking a question when she already knew the answer?
“I tried to kill you and your family. I almost succeeded. And you know what-what I have done. Why, why are you letting me live when you have every chance and reason to kill me? You can leave me here, allow them to ransack my kingdom. You don’t have to fight, so why…Why do you do it?”
Her frustration was like a thunderstorm, every word she spat out made Kara flinch and Lena despised herself for it. It was much better when Kara was furious, and bloodthirsty just like when they were in the dining room, days ago. Lena could handle that, but not this.
Because there was no trace of hatred and blame in those crystal-clear blue eyes.
“You already know, Lena.”
The air in the room got heavier, charged with electricity that could set them ablaze at any moment. Lena’s breathing got shallower, and her eyes locked with Kara’s. She waited for it, with the slightest movement from either of them-
But Kara stood up, shaking her head. Her big hands weaved through the blond mane cascading on her shoulders. She looked so handsome and so out of reach but every cell in Lena’s body screamed to extend her hand and touch her.
Her eyes again landed on Lena’s face but the warmth from before was completely wiped off.
Lena felt inexplicably cold even though she was wrapped with the plushest covers money could buy.
“If…if you insist on staying here, you will stay on my terms. I will leave Alex and a couple of my trusted soldiers behind, with you. And if, if the wind changes direction in their favor in the slightest…You will leave with my men. They will get you to safety. Going back to Krypton or anywhere you want will be up to you.”
After finishing what she had to say, Kara took a step toward the door but Lena’s hands wrapped tightly around her wrist stopped her.
She shouldn’t have asked it. She shouldn’t have even thought about it.
“What about you?”
Under her touch, Kara’s muscles tensed, and Lena’s grip loosened. From her side profile, she could see how Kara was clenching her jaw.
“You don’t have to worry about me.”
When the door clicked shut behind her, Lena was not able to move from her position. She wanted to slap her and scream in her face. She was worried sick about her because she still loved her.
She loved it so much that it made her broken heart bleed. No matter what happened, was going to happen, the love she felt for Kara would remain buried in the middle of her black heart, she was sure of it.
Knowing this and living with such a fullness in her heart was hard, and it was bound to be harder. Every cell in her body craved the warmth only Kara could give to her, if she could hug her and kiss her again, maybe she could be convinced that everything was going to be alright.
But it was too late because she wasn’t going to see Kara for a long time.
The agony wasn’t as sharp as before. She had gotten used to it, considering her lifelong experience, she had all that it necessitated enduring pain.
The weeks went by, and the war dragged on, but it was far from coming to an end.
Lena had stopped praying a while ago. Because praying was useless. The god had long abandoned them. Even if there was a god, it was the most despicable being in the universe. Because how could something so almighty allow such cruelty? What was the point of being powerful if it couldn’t be just and fair?
Why would she be praying, who was she praying to?
In Kara’s command, Luthor forces had managed to make the rebels recede, but it was not enough. The losses were too many to compensate, everything was so fragile that the Kryptonian-Luthor army could collapse with the slightest push.
Thousands were dead, and there were so many wounded that the streets of Gand were overflowing with mutilated bodies.
The air was heavy, and the sun was lost from the skies for a long time.
Lena walked in those streets every day, she wore the same uniform healer women wore and tried to help the injured with her best. Her nights had blended into her days, and the conception of time was no longer clear as it used to be. She had been training in combat, with a proper sword and an angry dueling friend.
Ser Danvers, Alex, had learned everything.
It was one day, that day when she almost cut Lena’s throat with her fine dagger. She had cornered Lena into a wall of the court and asked with raging fire threatening to spill from her eyes:
“How - how could you do this, Lena? I trusted you; Kara trusted you, she is fighting your damn war, how could you…?”
Lena was calm under her hands. She had been expecting this from anyone from Kara’s close circle for a while.
“If Kara told you what I did, then I guess she told you why I did it.”
“Kara didn’t tell me anything. It was one of your maids, she told me how you almost poisoned us in Krypton and stabbed Kara to death in your bed.”
The wind was immediately sucked out of her lungs.
“What?”
She had chosen the people she had taken to Krypton very carefully. They weren’t supposed to crack under pressure, they needed to be discreet, they had to know what was going to happen to them if they were to reveal anything.
“I had to shut her up before she spoke to anyone. Do you know why? Because if anyone gets a wind of this, you don’t have to wait for rebels to kill you.”
“Then why don’t you kill me, Alex? Right here, now?”
Alex had withdrawn her dagger and placed it back on her belt, but the animosity in her glare had become permanent since then.
“Because Kara told me… to protect you no matter what. As much as I want to cut your throat, I cannot do this to her. Even though I cannot fathom how can she still care so much about you, she cares about you. She…she is like a sister to me.”
She was barely able to endure Lena’s existence. During her free time, Lena was being subjected to her cruel glares and when they were training together, Alex was not hesitant to knock the breath out of Lena’s lungs. So, she was an excellent practice partner.
Until another revelation left Lena tethering on the edge, further.
She was working from the first lights of the morning to the deep darkness of the night in the infirmary tending to the wounded, so she was tired all the time. For some time, she was feeling unwell and bilious, but she had dismissed it easily saying it was because of the pungent blood and rotting human flesh tainting the air. It was normal for her to feel queasy and lightheaded all the time because she was eating less and less each day.
Even Alex had started to ask if she was okay after seeing the paleness of her skin, but Lena was quick to deflect everyone’s worries and get on with the job at hand.
Then one day, while she was walking around the infirmary, she fell.
She couldn’t remember anything when she woke up in her royal bed, but almost a dozen worried faces surrounding her bed were alarming.
Alex was saying something to the royal physician until Lena mumbled and made a move to straighten herself.
“Don’t exert yourself, Princess. You need to rest.”
It was the only thing Alex had said, and surprisingly her voice was less hostile than before. Lena wanted to ask what happened but she was bone tired, when the sweet slumber took over her consciousness, there was nothing she could do to hold out.
When she opened her eyes maybe hours or days later, the sky was dark, and Alex was sitting in a chair next to her bed. Her eyes were closed but Lena could sense her tiredness with the way her body tensed every time she breathed in and out.
“Alex?” She called softly, not to startle the sleeping knight.
Alex opened her eyes and looked around drowsily, then her eyes met with Lena’s. She rightened her posture and cleared her throat after a beat of silence.
“How are you feeling?” She asked with a rough voice, her eyes scanning Lena’s frame covered with a heavy duvet.
Lena felt there was something wrong, bad news Alex was going to give to her; so, she steeled herself and evaded answering her question.
“What happened? Why are you still here?”
Alex cleared her throat again and looked at the closed door as if she wanted to summon help.
She returned with a sigh.
“What do you remember last?”
Lena creased her brows and tried to recall what happened before she was submerged in darkness.
“I…I was in the infirmary…”
“Yes. And you passed out, Lena.”
Lena shook her head and tried to make a move to get up from the bed.
“It’s okay, I feel much better now-”
“No.” Alex interjected and the expression on her face immediately stopped Lena.
“What is it, Alex?” She asked with a slight tremor in her voice. Did something happen to Kara, or was she sick? Why did Alex look pale and stiff all of a sudden?
“You are pregnant.”
It took a while for Lena to register what Alex said.
An increasing hum invaded her senses, for a while she could feel and listen to her own heartbeat so clearly. Thousands of thoughts circled in her mind, but also everything blanked out.
That time felt like an eternity ago when she went through that sacred Kryptonian ritual. She was optimistic about her future back then; it had felt like she could handle things with Kara by her side. That’s why she had agreed with the ritual of pregnancy, and the chances of her getting pregnant were low, or it was what everyone had told them.
Why now?
Now was the time she couldn’t feel elated to hear the news because her and Kara’s lives were tied to a thin piece of strand. There were tons of unresolved things between them, Lena didn’t even know if they were going to have a future together. She was pessimistic about it considering mountains of troubles piled against them, but Kara seemed determined not to let her go despite everything Lena had done. Kara had said it was Lena who was going to decide for both of them, that she was going to comply with whatever Lena would choose.
Lena was angry at her for leaving such an important decision to her. Why Kara was avoiding taking responsibility? Didn’t it matter if Lena chose to leave her or stay with her?
Lena didn’t know what she wanted, but also deep down, she knew what she wanted.
“Lena, are you okay?”
Alex’s concerned tone brought her back, as Lena looked at her with unseeing eyes. It felt like a dream again, a dream she couldn’t escape from.
“Are…are you sure?”
“Yes.” Alex’s voice was certain, and there was a fleeting expression of empathy in her warm brown eyes.
Alex was right to hate her. She had planned the murder of Kara’s family, back in Krypton. She had lied, and plotted behind their backs, behind Kara’s back. It was for the honor of her family, for her dear father who was resting down in the cold mud of royal gardens. If he were to see what Lena had become, he would be ashamed, rightfully so.
But she was deceived. Lena was manipulated, used, and blamed-
Despite all of it, nothing could change the fact that she made her decisions. She caused this chaos that was wreaking havoc in her land.
In the middle of it, she fell in love like a bird caught in the irresistible pull of invisible forces.
And now, she was pregnant with Kara’s child. Kara could die on the battlefield at any moment.
She didn’t have a chance to tell her anything, they were so caught up with the web of lies they had weaved around each other. A few words exchanged between them meant nothing compared to what Lena wanted to say to Kara. She wanted to ask for forgiveness and hold her responsible for the heartbreak that almost shattered her.
“Alex, I need your help.”
Getting Alex to help her was one of the hardest feats Lena had achieved in her short life. The woman was as stubborn as an ox, she wouldn’t yield, almost. Lena knew how much she cared about Kara, like a sister, so she used it like a spear and shield to breach her defenses.
But in the end, she couldn’t prevent getting an earful from Alex as well.
“Gods be with me, this is so dangerous…Kara is going to kill me when she will see us. You really going to get me killed huh, Luthor?”
They were on riding their horses in the dark of the night, the skies were slightly colored with the first rays of the sun. The hardest part was getting out of the castle since soldiers were protecting every corner of the gigantic medieval structure. Lena had worn a dark cloak, and she chose to wear one of her royal purple gowns. They needed to stay out of trouble and not get in involved that could draw attention to them, it was just her and Alex after all. If something were to happen to either of them, there was no chance of asking for help.
Knowing the gravity of risks, Lena had insisted – actually begged Alex to take her to Kara.
After hours of coaxing and a bit of manipulation, Alex had agreed but she wouldn’t stop grumbling. Still, it was a small price Lena was willing to pay.
Kara’s regimen was located outskirts of the city, their location was not known by many because of the security measures. Alex knew some shortcuts and after hours of traveling on horseback, they were able to see the smoke coming off from the neatly scattered tents in the secluded lowland.
“This is going to be interesting.” Alex said and threw a grumpy look in Lena’s way. She looked haggard and weary, but Lena was lively and restless next to her. Riding the horse all night had left her thighs sore, but she couldn’t care it any less. She had one goal; it was to see Kara. She would do anything to fulfill her goal.
“Get behind me.” Alex said and her horse approached the soldiers looking at them curiously from a safe distance. She hopped off and went to talk to soldiers heatedly. Lena was looking around by swinging her head in every direction, but she couldn’t find anything hinting at the presence of Kara anywhere. When Alex came back, Lena was growing more impatient by the second.
“Where is she, Alex? Is she not here?”
Alex sighed and shook off the dust on her breastplate.
“She is here, but she went for a walk. We will wait for her in my tent, and you are going to eat something – hey, Lena, where do you think you are going?”
She rushed after Lena who dismounted her horse and started to march to the nearest greenery.
“No, I will see her first.” She kept walking until Alex’s hands closed around her wrists.
“Lena, stop. You are causing a scene.” She said between gritted teeth.
Then she pulled Lena along with her until they were in the security of one of the tents.
“You shouldn’t be here, and you cannot walk around in an encampment like it is one of your royal gardens. There is a way of things work in here-”
Lena pulled her arm free and threw a murderous glare at Alex’s reddened face.
“Then stop wasting time and help me find Kara, Alex.”
Alex puffed loudly and shook her head. “You – you…Has anyone told you how impossible you are? How Kara manages to keep up with you I wonder…” She muttered and folded her arms over her chest.
In the following minutes, she brought water and something to eat for Lena and promised to take her to Kara if she were to finish everything on her plate. Lena had never eaten so fast in her life.
Alex talked to people outside while Lena was gobbling up the food, and even though their voices were hushed Lena could make out that it was about her. When Alex came and saw her plate empty, she grudgingly guided her to the woods without being seen by soldiers preparing their weapons and practicing.
She followed Alex with solid steps until they saw Kara who was sitting on the grass on her knees, with her back turned. Alex looked at Lena, then she took a step toward Kara and the crunching twig under her boots alerted Kara as she got on her feet hurriedly.
It took a few seconds for Kara to register them, she had already wielded her sword. When she squinted her eyes and took a step toward them, Lena’s heart rate had reached a new peak.
“Alex? Lena? What – what are you doing here?”
Alex stepped aside and threw her arms in the air.
“I would love to stay and explain, but I think Lena can do it better than me. Take your time. Call out to me if there is something you need.” She said and left them alone like that.
Lena couldn’t leave her eyes from Kara’s strong form, and she couldn’t help but take a couple of steps toward her way.
“Lena…What is the meaning of this? Why are you here?” Kara asked a bit harshly. She seemed upset.
Lena’s eyes tracked her movements when she tucked her sword into its sheath. It was the first time Lena felt the physical and emotional tiredness of the last few weeks. She wanted to open her mouth and tell Kara everything she had planned in her head, but nothing came out. Instead, she took a couple of steps more and dropped the hood of her cloak.
“I needed to see you.”
It wasn’t explanatory as she thought, and Kara seemed angrier at her words. She strode over steaming and her hands encircled Lena’s arms.
“What the hell do you think you are doing? I told you it is very dangerous, I told you to stay put and wait for word from me, how can you come here like this? What if something had happened, I wouldn’t even know –”
“Do you love me?” Lena’s question came out like a whisper. She didn’t push Kara’s hands as they were not forceful, on the contrary, the places their skins met were charged with electricity. Lena wanted it, wanted more. She wanted to feel her hands, her lips on her.
She wanted to punch her, and she wanted Kara to destroy her right there.
Kara withdrew her hands upon hearing Lena’s question and placed a distance between them. The anger in her eyes was still there, but there was something else clouding her usually bright azure eyes.
“What?”
“I said, do you love me?” Lena repeated with a stronger voice. She felt hot under the protective cloak and many layers of fabric she was wearing. Her eyes were not leaving Kara’s even for a second.
Kara seemed like she was struggling to answer. The audible gulp Lena heard, the way she clenched her hands and her eye twitched like a tic…She seemed on edge.
“Lena, I told you why did you –”
“Shut up and answer me, Kara. I want to hear you say it.”
The remaining anger and whatever question in Kara’s eyes dissipated in the blink of an eye. The vulnerability in her eyes was almost too much as Lena struggled not to avert her gaze.
“You already know.” She said with a strained voice, but Lena was having none of it.
“I want you to say it. Please.”
The sun shone in her eyes and dew wettened those crystal-clear blue depths. Her jaw clenched and she let out a shaky exhale.
Lena stood there on her wobbly legs and with an impossibly fast drumming heart beating her ribcage, she waited to hear the words that were going to heal her wounds.
It wasn’t supposed to be this easy. She had promised herself on the way coming here and before that, she was going to get a fair explanation from Kara, and their conversation was going to build up with that.
But nothing mattered when she saw the woman she loved so much, alive, well, just in front of her. She was the mother of her child, her wife.
The silence was filled with birds singing and tree leaves rustling, but Lena was deaf to any other sound other than Kara’s. She waited and waited.
Until Kara gave out and a single drop of tear fell to her cheek.
“Yes. I love you still, I will love you no matter what happens. I don’t know how we ended up like this – how I ended up like this, but…But no matter how hard I push myself, I cannot change how I feel about you, Lena.”
Lena wasn’t aware she was also crying until she felt the wetness soaking her face.
“Despite everything? Despite what you know, and still don’t know about me, do you love me?”
Kara wiped the stray tear, but tears kept streaming until her cheeks reddened under the early morning sunlight.
She looked ethereal as Lena’s breath shook and the soil under her feet trembled.
Kara’s answer was a mere confirmation. A reflection of Lena’s love for her, and she was seeing it bare and blatant for the first time. First time in her life, Lena didn’t have to feel scared about her feelings. Her affection was true and solid as the sky above them, standing proud without any cloud hindering its endlessness.
But still, hearing those words from Kara cured her tired wounds and made her bleed more, she died and revived with a force more powerful than the one that had exiled her in the eternal darkness she belonged until now.
Kara’s words were her hopes for a new beginning, for a good life she wished to live, truthfully.
“I love you despite everything, Lena. I wished I could erase my love for you, I tried but I can’t. Even if you kill me now, I will die loving you. I will die gladly because it is you.”
Lena let out a sob, and she closed her eyes. How could she still say such things? Her heart was breaking into countless pieces when she thought about Kara getting hurt.
After seeing her so wrecked and distraught, Kara made a move to approach her, but Lena held out her hand and stopped her.
There was one more thing she had to ask. Maybe she wasn’t going to like what Kara was going to say, but it was worth it. She needed to know, to prepare her heart, to make a clean start.
If someone were to say she was going to be on the brink of forgiving infidelity a couple of years ago, Lena would laugh it off and sharpen her dagger with a stone. Yet, here she was, ready and willing to forgive Kara if she had been unfaithful to their union.
Was it a weakness? Was it stupidity to forgive such a thing?
To her old self, it was the most absurd thing to forgive unfaithfulness. But her old self was crude, she didn’t experience the pain and love as her current self did.
It was not a trade-off, per se. Lena wasn’t going to forgive Kara in return for the forgiveness she was going to receive for her sins. Love and marriage were not as easy as most people thought, Lena had the chance to experience them first-hand. She couldn’t cut her heart out, and similarly, she couldn’t wipe off her sins like rebellious waves cleaning the marks on a sandy shoreline.
“I need you to answer one more thing.” She said while furiously wiping her insistent tears. The heat of Kara’s eyes felt warmer than the sun shining above them.
“Did you…did you…touch Lady Imra? Did you touch anyone else; did you betray our wows when we were apart? Don’t lie to me, Kara. I can handle the truth, but I cannot handle it if you lie about this.”
Kara’s eyes darkened, and she tilted her head aside with a steely expression on her face. The silence lasted barely seconds, but still, it felt like an eternity to Lena.
“I swear on holy Rao, my family, my past and future, everything I hold sacred; I have never touched anyone other than you, Lena. I have never broken my wows to you, and I shall never until the day I die.”
Whatever was left on her lungs came out with an agonizingly slow exhale.
Lena hid her head and tried to reactivate her collapsing lungs.
It was beyond euphoric to hear these words from Kara. Slithering despair and doubt were lurking in the nearest corners of her mind, but she chose not to pay heed to them. She had wasted nearly all of her life doubting, questioning everything around her. Such feelings had provided nothing but exhaustion and pain to her soul.
She deserved nice things too. She could choose to believe Kara and leave every doubt gnawing her confidence behind.
Her fingers loosed the tie holding her cloak firmly attached to her body, and the heavy material fell to the grass with a thud. Kara’s eyes didn’t leave her face, but Lena could see how she was trying to contain herself not to reach out to her, not to touch her.
It was her turn.
Kara was bare in front of her with all the vulnerability her eyes could reflect and much more. Lena had to take a step.
So, she did.
Her hands reached to hold Kara’s bigger ones, and she was engulfed with the warmth of her aura instantly. The coldness making every cell in her body quake slowly dissipated and left its place to a comfortable coziness. She held those golden, sun-kissed, big hands tightly and asked one more time before allowing herself to break all the walls she had built within.
“Are you sure about this?”
Kara’s hands were callous and strong under hers, but Lena could feel the vibrations in her skin. When Kara guided her hands to Lena’s face and cupped her cheeks ever so tenderly, Lena’s eyelids fluttered.
“Yes.”
It was as easy as that.
Kara’s thumb smoothed her cheeks and Lena turned her head to peck the center of her warm palm all the while Kara’s eyes watched her every move. Those blue orbs were flitting between Lena’s face and her mouth. When Kara drew her impossibly closer in a swift motion so suddenly, Lena gasped and her free bunched the fabric of her white shirt.
“I missed you. So much.” Kara said while leaning her nose on her forehead and deeply inhaling the scent of her hair.
Lena wanted to open her mouth and say a thousand things she wanted to tell Kara, but nothing came out. The words were eluding her, and there was the only thing left to do: to show Kara how she felt.
She nudged Kara’s head backward and left a hot, wet trail of kisses along her jawline until she reached her ear.
I love you.
She was voiceless. Her breathing was shallow and loud, just like Kara’s. Before she had a chance to revert the attention of her mouth to Kara’s face, Kara tilted her face and captured her half-open lips in a slow kiss.
It had been so long since Kara kissed her like this. Too long since she felt the crackling electricity running through her veins.
She opened her mouth fully and Kara’s tongue intertwined with hers. If it wasn’t for her need to gasp for fresh air, Lena could stay like that forever, gladly.
She pulled back slightly, pupils blown, and lips dusted red, she dove back in with a renewed vigor. Her fingers found purchase on Kara’s strong neck and her free blond locks; she didn’t need to stand on her toes since Kara leaned to her height to devour everything Lena was gladly giving her.
Underneath the flimsy white shirt she was wearing, the hard and toned muscles fueled Lena’s frenzy as she pulled the offensive fabric to unleash the tanned skin. Kara chuckled between kisses and removed her shirt in a swift move leaving Lena breathless for the umpteenth time.
It didn’t matter they were out in the woods; they were alone in the bubble they had created, and Lena wanted more. She wanted to give and receive everything.
But at that moment Kara chose to pull herself back and breathe deeply. She gulped for air, and when she spoke her voice was trembling.
“We – we need to talk before we do –”
“Not now. I want your lips on me, fingers inside me.” Lena said and clawed her forearms trying to pull Kara back.
But she didn’t need to convince Kara anymore, the next second she was in the air with Kara’s hands tightening on her corseted hips. Kara picked her up and carried her to the nearest tree trunk like Lena weighed nothing.
Lena’s undergarments were soaked by the time her back hit the hardwood.
“How much do you like this dress?” Kara said between bites she harshly planted on her neck. Lena pushed her head back and moaned when Kara sucked a tender spot just below her ear. She wanted to feel her skin without anything coming between them, but this was her royal purple dress.
And she didn’t want to ride back to the castle wearing men’s clothes if Kara ripped her dress apart.
“If you don’t want me riding naked, you should be careful with it.”
Kara growled at her words and panted against her collarbones taking a short break in her journey to Lena’s tits.
“You are making me crazy.”
Minutes later -they were very fast minutes, Lena was sprawled on her cloak with all of her clothes, bodice, and undergarments thrown aside. She was lying face down, her hands bunching the thick material of the cloak. Kara was behind her; she was still clothed except for her shirt. Their skins were meeting but not as Lena wished them to be. With her hands keeping Lena steady and caressing every inch available, Kara was taking her time with Lena.
But Lena was not patient as she whined and pushed her body back.
When two deft fingers started to wander around where she needed them the most, Lena was about to cry with relief and expectation. She wanted to see Kara’s face and feel the entirety of her skin. She was about to voice her objections but only a strangled moan came out when skillful fingers smeared her wetness all over her quivering slit and between her thighs. Kara was holding herself not to push her fingers inside, instead, she was toying with the hard nub of nerves to drive Lena into hysteria.
The end was near yet so far, so maddeningly escaping from her when Lena surged forward every time Kara pulled her closer.
When she decided the torment was unbearable, she acted with a single goal in her mind: to take over and get the resolution she almost begged vocally. Her hands pushed Kara by her shoulders with a force she wasn’t expecting from herself, soon she was on her lap, happy and eager to take charge.
This was much better, and Kara’s expression was everything.
“I want you inside, now.” She said and held Kara’s hand to guide it to her cunt, but Kara held her waist tightly and gripped her chin with two fingers to submit Lena to look into her eyes.
“I want to hear you asking it nicely first.”
Oh, this was different. Kara was playing along which wasn’t like her. She used to give whatever Lena demanded in bed, not that Lena was commanding anything. Kara was skillful when she took the lead and guided Lena to ecstasy many times, voluntarily.
Scorching blue eyes fixed on Lena’s puffy lips and when Kara licked her lips, Lena felt her wetness getting alarmingly uncontainable.
She wanted to accept her challenge and prolong their small quarrel, but her body was screaming with the need for an urgent release. Kara had the upper hand. Her old self wouldn’t go down with a fight, but she just slipped her arms around Kara’s shoulders and leaned her forehead to hers.
“Please, your fingers…”
Just how Kara had changed, she had changed as well. From now on, she was going to be unrelenting about her desires.
Her gesture seemed to satisfy Kara as she pecked her forehead and then her eyelids before her hands started to move south. One of her hands was keeping Lena steady as her mouth found its way down to Lena’s nipples that pebbled in the slight breeze of morning.
“Anything you want, my love. Anything.”
She sucked her sensitive areola at the same time one of her thick fingers slipped past her throbbing hole without resistance. Her wetness was almost too much, dripping to Kara’s pants and staining them as Lena gyrated her hips slowly. The breathing got heavier, and their voices and moans mixed; soon another finger was added stretching Lena’s tight hole.
“Ahh!” She almost yelled when Kara plunged her fingers in a swift move and pulled them back.
Thank Gods no one came to check up on them even though they were out in the open and making so much noise. Lena wasn’t sure if they could stop at that point if someone were to come.
Kara kept pushing and pulling out her fingers till Lena was standing on the precipice. All she needed was a single touch, then she was going to burst into oblivion under Kara’s hands.
“Kara…”
As if she read what was on her mind, Kara’s fingers circled her clitoris and coaxed Lena into a much-needed climax. She pushed her head back and bared her throat while her whole body trembled, and her hands scratched the skin on Kara’s nape.
Oh, it was going to leave marks. Lena was willing to take responsibility for every mark she left on Kara’s skin.
There was no way she could rest since the second she was swimming in the aftermath of her intense release, Kara put her on the ground, laid her on her back, and pushed herself down to lap up the overflowing wetness leaking from her cunt. After coating all of Kara’s face with her come, Lena stopped her and picked on her clothes.
“I want these off.”
This time there was no need for a quarrel, Kara undressed in a matter of seconds.
All of her cells overcharged with stimulation when their skins met in every possible way.
It was like submerging herself in a relaxing, hot bath after a long day. Lena wanted to stretch, to dig her heels to the back of Kara’s strong thighs and cry out whenever Kara’s insistent lips wandered to parts of her body that begged for attention.
Kara looked so beautiful on top of her, so powerful and so ready. Lena cupped her cheek and tried to restrain the blond locks spilling all over that handsome face.
Now it didn’t take too much effort for her to say it because she was sure her eyes were reflecting what she was feeling inside:
“I love you, Kara.”
She said it, over and over again until she lost the track of how many times those words spilled from her mouth.
Every time she said it, Kara kissed her, ever so lightly and gently. She kissed her face until their breaths became one just like their bodies.
Lena came on Kara’s fingers while Kara’s wetness spilled and coated her thigh. Her body was aching with exertion and her own voice was sounding so foreign to her ears. The imprints of her nails, hands, and teeth were scattered all over Kara’s body but Lena couldn’t get enough. She wanted to brand her, to make sure Kara was hers and hers alone.
Her anger rose when she recalled those dark times when she thought about another pair of hands touching the hardened muscles underhand, the supple skin she spent hours exploring. She pulled Kara’s hair and bit down on her lips hard enough to draw blood. Thinking about Kara with someone else made her blood boil and fueled her desire to make Kara come harder.
Her reward was as glorious as what she gave.
Kara left her tethering on edge and killed her so many times, Lena passed out in the middle of their lovemaking only to wake up in Kara’s arms. The angry red marks were adorning her tits all the way to her belly and thighs, it was as if Kara had drawn a map for herself.
Lena was going to be sore for days. Deliciously, gladly sore.
She was lying on Kara’s chest, dozing to sleep all the while long fingers stroked her hair with a soothing rhythm.
Despite the afterglow of numerous orgasms, she couldn’t let herself enjoy the feeling of being alone with Kara fully, not yet. Because the main reason she came to see Kara was to tell her she loved her.
And, to tell her she was pregnant with her child.
But there were so many things hanging between them that needed clearing before she told Kara she was pregnant, Lena wanted to quell the fire still burning her.
When she straightened up, Kara opened her sky-blue eyes and caressed her cheek with kisses.
“Are you okay?”
Lena didn’t try to cover her nakedness when she drew herself a bit.
“We…we should talk now, Kara. We cannot afford to delay talking.”
She could see the conflicting emotions in Kara’s eyes, and she almost gave up on her insistency when Kara asked with a low and deep voice:
“Must we, now? I love holding you in my arms like this.”
Lena could only breathe out and shake her head before she yielded to Kara’s inviting arms.
“I know you have questions, and there are things I want to tell you about. So, ask me anything you want, and I promise, I will be honest.”
The atmosphere got tense, and Kara straightened up as she wore her shirt haphazardly. When she opened her mouth but closed afterward a few times, Lena reached out and squeezed her hand.
She sounded distant when she spoke.
“What if…what if I won’t like what you are going to say?”
“Then we both have to face it. I will not try to justify anything I did, but I…You should know that I regret everything I did, and what I planned to do. I’m sorry for lying to you all this time. I thought everything would be easier when I met you, I could learn to hate you and your family. But you…you destroyed everything I planned from the first moment we met. I thought I was going to live a life devoid of love until my last breath, I had made my peace with it. Until I met you. Until you opened a whole new world for me. Once I was head in over heels with you, I couldn’t – wouldn’t let you learn anything about my past. But I was selfish, I feared how you would see me. How you would hate me.”
After finishing her words, Lena hung her head and tried to calm herself by taking deep breaths. If she were to see a pint of despise on Kara’s face, it was going to destroy her.
But to be born again, she needed to die first.
“I’m willing to hear everything you will say, Lena. And I promise I will…do my best to understand you. Just know that no matter what you will say, nothing can change what I feel for you. I want to get past this, I don’t mind hurting if I will have you by my side at the end.”
Kara’s hands tipped her head up and forced Lena to meet her eyes. The raw sincerity she saw in those orbs loosened Lena gradually. She held Kara’s hand when she talked and didn’t let go.
She didn’t know how much time had passed, but when they heard Alex’s voice afar calling to them, it startled both of them.
The air was heavy, laced with emotions. The hours they spent felt like years.
Kara helped her to get in her dress, she kept her hands to herself and put on her clothes in silence.
They were sitting in silence for a while, Lena was feeling drained from talking and explaining herself, and Kara on the other hand seemed increasingly more thoughtful with every passing second.
Lena faltered and fumbled with the end of her cloak, but she couldn’t voice her anxieties. Kara’s grip on her hand was tight when they start to walk back to the encampment together.
“You didn’t tell me how you convinced Alex to take you here?” Kara asked slowly as her eyes danced on Lena’s face. The sun was still decorating the sky, but its early fervor was dimmed as it was nearing evening.
“Well, she couldn’t say much when threatened to come here by myself. Also, after she learned that I am –”
She barely stopped herself from saying it so bluntly. This wasn’t how she planned to tell her about her pregnancy to Kara. When she stopped abruptly, Kara followed suit and asked immediately:
“What is it? What happened?”
There was no need to stall or wait for a better moment. Lena held Kara’s hand and guided it on top of her belly. In a couple of months, she was going to be huge, her movements were going to be limited and her dresses were not going to fit. She had been thinking about it ever since Alex told her she was pregnant. What Kara was going to think about her pregnancy?
They had talked, but it was a small step, an entrée to the main course. First, they needed to get through this damned war to mend their wounds both physical and mental. Healing required so much strength and effort, the uncertainty of what was to come was making their future plans more fictional. And now, Lena was going to compromise the small progress they had made by announcing something so pivotal for their lives, she was hesitating. She was scared.
Alas, she had promised honesty, and honesty was what Kara deserved to receive.
She held Kara’s hand in the middle of her belly and waited till their eyes met for long enough to filter out the surroundings.
“I’m pregnant. We are going to have a child.”
The way Kara’s eyes widened was almost comical and Lena would laugh it off if it wasn’t for the fear of rejection and other ugly emotions waiting to find their way back to her head.
Her doubts proved to be trivial when Kara took a knee in front of her and placed both of her hands on Lena’s belly.
There were tears when those breathtaking eyes darted back to Lena’s face.
“Are you certain?”
Lena nodded her head solemnly and watched Kara as she smiled through her tears. This was a different kind of smile, different than others, so full of hope and love that Lena forgot the troubles waiting for them.
It had been so long since she saw Kara like this. Maybe, she had never seen Kara like this.
Kara got up and held her hands, but her smile didn’t fade, and her eyes didn’t leave her belly.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I wasn’t sure if this was good news or bad news for you – for us.” Lena added silently.
Kara’s smile faded slowly, and her jaw clenched as if she woke herself from the dream of numbness.
“If you are worried about the war, I will win this war for you –”
“No, it’s not just about war, Kara. I can’t – we can’t delude ourselves into thinking everything will magically get better. We will have to get through our problems, and it is going to take so much time and patience. Say you won this war, the threats to these lands will never cease, even when and if we return to Krypton as well. My blood, your blood furthers our burden. I don’t know if we will be safe ever again. I want this child; I want all of the children you’ll give me but with what right? With everything I did, do I deserve it? Do we deserve to bring such an innocent life to this broken world?”
Well, the truth was out harsher than what she repeated herself.
Her own words unsettled Lena as tried to stay strong to hold her ground. Every insecurity, doubt, and confusion were there in her eyes, words for Kara to see them naked.
She wanted to be a mother. From the first moment Alex told her she was pregnant, Lena’s heart cried with the joy of dreaming of herself as a mother. Her childhood went by as Lena watched mothers adoring their children. She never knew such motherly affection; Lillian was never her mother. Lillian was her teacher, her cruel inner voice, and mostly a foe dressed as her friend.
Lena had vowed to be a good mother ever since she was a little girl. She dreamed of giving all of her love so generously and without expectation to her children, she had found peace in those dreams for so long.
Now, finally, she had a chance. A chance was given to her in such a cruel time of her life.
As selfish as she was, Lena still wanted it. She wanted children, a family, and every look and touch Kara was willing to give to her.
Kara’s hands found their way into her soul once again; her words became a mantra Lena repeated herself for months to come:
“You deserve all the good things, Lena. Not because you’ve been through enough and fought the toughest battles, but just because despite everything you went through, you can still choose kindness over brutality. Love over hatred. You deserve a good life, and good people surrounding you who know your worth. You deserve to be cherished, to be loved, to feel safe and cared for. I love you with everything you’ve done, even though it hurts me to love you now. I will be better at loving you more, understanding you, and helping you if you need me. I know you will be an amazing mother, and I will do everything in my power to keep you and our child safe. I don’t know how we will navigate it together, but I want this life with you. I want us to be a real family.”
The sun came out from the hills stretching to castle borders for the first time in months.
The weather had been turbid and unknown; the soil was stiff and barren in the absence of sun and rain.
There was no sound, not even a hush coming from the castle and city streets. The usual chaos had left its place to a deafening silence.
It was time to mourn.
Mourn those who had fallen and were lost in the battle.
Months had passed. The time itself was tired in Luthor lands.
For the first time in months, the hearths were lighted not to tend the wounded and prepare a meal for the soldiers. Everyone had gathered in their homes to be together and rest.
The battle was won. But at what price?
More than half of the army had perished. Nobody was citing numbers for the dead. The loss was fresh and at its peak, the pain of the unspoken was almost tangible in the air.
It was the first time sun was showing herself with all her glory. After a week filled with heavy rain, petrichor soothed those who chose to venture outside.
Lena opened the balcony doors in her room and breathed deeply. The air calmed her senses, and she closed her eyes for a while to listen to unusual but welcoming quietness.
So much had happened in the past months yet she felt like her life was the same, stuck and unmoving.
The war was won, mourning had begun and for the first time in months, she had a peaceful sleep.
Border clans were scattered, their leaders were executed, and their losses were as immense as the Kingdom. People talked about peace and reconciliation, honoring the promises. Kryptonian army combined with Luthor forces showed no mercy to rebels and traitors, thus blood was spilled within and outside the city borders. As cruel as it was, there was nothing more powerful than a victory achieved by war.
The kingdom was going to be safe for a while, long enough till the losses and wounds were recuperated.
Lena on the other hand had her small victories and a bout of rehabilitation in the city walls and her palace.
She was adamant to cover her tracks. When she returned from Kara’s side months ago, the first thing she did was to locate and eliminate everyone and everything who seemed weak enough, waiting to crack under pressure. She couldn’t change what she did, but she could secure her and Kara’s future. And now, she had to think about the future of their child too.
There was no one left who could claim Lena had caused the death of her brother and mother. No one was going to learn about her plans on destroying Krypton as it was all in the past.
She had carved a second chance for herself, and this time she was not going to waste it by being a slave to her rage, disappointments, and regrets. Life was precious and single, especially now that she had so many things to lose.
“Lena?”
Kara’s voice caused her to open her eyes, when she turned back to face her wife resting on their bed, her eyes warmed with affection and worry.
“Kara, are you okay? Do you need anything?”
The battle had treated some beyond mercy and harshly, but thankfully Kara was not among them. When she returned, Kara was seriously injured, and on the brink of losing her life. Despite the copious amount of scars on her body, she had fought back and carried her army back to the city like the glorious commander she was.
Lena couldn’t be prouder and more humbled to have her. She had been tending to Kara’s wounds ever since and trying to make her comfortable as she could. Kara was sleeping for days because of her injuries, but physicians had assured Lena it was normal. She was just dozing off gathering her strength, yet Lena didn’t leave her side ever since she arrived.
“I’m okay. Come, sit with me.” Kara beckoned her closer while grunting in an attempt to lean her back to plush pillows. Lena helped her to settle and perched herself closer.
Her hands traced the bandages covering half of her body, and she sighed deeply.
“What is it?” Kara asked as her hands found purchase in the softness of Lena’s cheek.
“I hate seeing you hurt.”
Kara smoothed the deep frown on her forehead.
“Likewise. I hate seeing you sad or troubled, my love.”
Lena wanted to comfort her, to say everything was going to be better but she was more uneasy than ever. Their presence was expected in Krypton after putting things in order in Luthor lands, but Lena didn’t want to go back. She didn’t want Luthor Kingdom, she didn’t want Krypton, she didn’t want any crown adorning her head.
Power, the promise of power used to be the only thing fueling her to move forward but not now.
Now she wanted to live because she wanted to live her life fully, with love, and freely. But being a ruler had its inherent responsibilities, she had to think about her kingdom before her own life. Kara was next in line to Krypton's throne, and soon her family would be expecting her to take her place as the queen of Krypton.
They were bound by power and duties.
“Will we be ever free? Free of wars, diplomacy, unpleasant alliances, and compromises? I used to think this was my calling, but now, I have started to think this is more of a curse than a calling.”
Kara’s silence spoke higher than her words. But then, when Lena was going to apologize for souring their mood-
“What if I say…I can make another world for us? If you let me?”